♪ She looks so fine, yeah ♪ ♪ She looks so cool ♪
All right, guys, you know that hot, hot, hot girl, Rachel?
You mean the hot blonde from the boardwalk?
No, I mean the hot, hot, hot blonde from the boardwalk.
Dude, you're in California. All the girls are hot.
- [D-Mack] Mm. - Except D-Mack's last date.
What was her name? King Latifah?
Well, check this out. She's a masseuse, right?
She invited me up to a spa in Santa Barbara for the weekend.
Yeah, it's pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, she'll be working all day, but she'll be working me all night.
Mm-hmm. California is my kind of town.
How you think Breanna's going to take it?
Oh, she'll be fine, 'cause I'm not gonna tell her.
Things have been cool with us being just friends.
- I'm not about to mess that up. - You're gonna keep a secret from Breanna?
- Our boy's growing up. - [chuckles]
Shoot, I'm nobody's boy. I'm Rachel's man.
I'm gonna work that this weekend.
Right.
It'll be like this, "Say my name."
- "Say my name. Say my name!" - Arnaz!
That's your name.
- Well, what you so happy about? - Oh. Um...
I got accepted into guitar camp this weekend.
Really?
Hmm. Arnaz away for the weekend.
In the woods, irritating somebody else with his music. [Laughs]
Now, I'm happy. [Laughs]
♪ Sometimes in this life You can feel all by yourself ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪ ♪ What a true love we have found ♪
- ♪ Living one on one ♪ - ♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
- ♪ Living one on one ♪ - ♪ One on one, y'all ♪
♪ Now we're having fun ♪
-♪ Living one on one ♪ ♪ One on one ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - [girl laughing]
Okay, girls, I just finished my last term paper.
I need a break.
- Ooh, let's go to Tijuana again. - Oh, I'm not allowed in Mexico.
[sighs] You take ten shots of tequila and throw a rock
at the federalese and suddenly... [scoffs] you're a terrorist.
Oh, come on, you guys, I gotta do something.
Ever since Arnaz and I broke up, I haven't done anything fun.
[Sara] What are you talking about?
I told you all about the date I had last night.
That was fun for you.
In a lonely, desperate, Lisa kind of way.
Wait. Where did this come from?
"Redwood Retreat and Spa." Ooh. This sounds nice.
You guys, do you know what this is? This is a sign.
Yeah, a sign we need to clean the house.
Is that a condom wrapper stuck to the back of that thing?
How would you know?
No, you guys. This is what I'm talking about.
An adventure. I have never been to a spa before, so what do you say?
- Girls' weekend? - [Sara clicks tongue] Sure.
Can we bring along a rich man to pay for it?
No. No men. Just us girls.
And we can use the money my dad
- sent me for spring break... - [Sara gasps]
- and we can all bunk in one room. - Yeah.
Oh, wait a minute. I can't go. [chuckles] I have a date tonight.
Asking the pizza delivery guy in to hang out
while you search for a coupon is not a date.
♪ Hey ♪
- Good day, mates. I'm sorry to interrupt. - We're a bit lost.
That sounds like an Australian accent, so you must be really lost.
We're actually here to play
in the International Beach Volleyball Tournament,
and we're in need of directions.
Oh, well, here's the directions right to my heart.
[chuckles] You can spike it as many times as you like.
- [chuckles] - [chuckles] You're so sweet.
But we can't seem to find the Rusty Crab Motel.
The Rusty Crab?
That's the place with the police tape, and the chalk outline out front.
Why would your team be staying there?
No, the team is staying at the Venice Ocean View.
Alternates are staying at the Rusty Crab.
Well, you know, you'd be better off staying here.
Oh, that's very kind of you, but we can't stay
in the home of strange men.
Uh, well, first of all, only one of us is strange.
And second of all, you know, it's not just our home,
this is one of Venice's most charming bed and breakfasts.
That's right, we're a bed and breakfast.
- [both] Oh. - [Cash] Yes.
- [all laugh] - Come on in, take a look.
[girls chuckle]
Oh, this is so cute.
It's perfect.
But it must be expensive.
Not at all. We pride ourselves on being affordable and offering discounts
- to international volleyball players. - [both chuckle]
- Uh, can we please have it? - Oh, please, please, please?
And they beg, too.
- It's all yours. - [both chuckle]
A... a... and just so you know,
I'm D-Mack, and this is my associate, Cash.
If you'd like fresh towels, he's your guy,
and if you'd like a chocolate on your pillow, I'm your man.
♪ I know how make it feel so good ♪
- ♪ So good ♪ - ♪ So good ♪
You guys, I'm not sure about this spa stuff.
Everybody is walking around naked under their robes,
and some people need to tie their robes a little tighter.
- You are here to relax, Breanna. - Well, how can I?
Have you seen how expensive these spa treatments are?
You guys, I won't be able to do anything.
Well, we're just happy to be here, Breanna.
We're just going to hang out and enjoy the scenery.
- [Breanna whispers] I can't. - Mm. Hello, scenery.
[inhales sharply] Let the games begin. [chuckles]
Come on, you guys. This is a girls' weekend. No men.
Good afternoon, ladies.
It's a beautiful day today, so make sure you check out our view.
- And it's looking pretty good from here. - [Sara] Hmm.
Hey, I'm sorry, what was that you were saying about no men?
No, no, no, girl. I said "amen." As in, "Amen, he is fine."
Well, come on, let's go check out the pool.
I'm so glad you came up with me this weekend, Arnaz.
Oh, me, too.
- This place is incredible. - [Rachel chuckles]
- And so are you. - Arnaz, not here,
- and not while I'm working. - Oh.
You have to wait until tonight, and then you'll find out
how incredible this place really is.
- [roars, laughs] - [laughs]
- I don't know if I can wait. [Laughs] - [laughs]
Wow, if I didn't know that you just broke up with your girlfriend,
I'd think you haven't had sex in years.
- [chuckles] - Yeah, but who would believe that?
- [chuckles] I will see you tonight. - Okay.
My goodness, you guys, what is with all the naked people?
People are naked in the Jacuzzi, naked in the mud.
Even that old man was naked.
Put on some clothes, Grandpa!
- Oh. Hi. - Oh.
[chuckles] I know I shouldn't be drinking in here, but it's doctor's orders.
I get easily dehydrated.
Oh, uh, it's okay. I don't work here, ma'am.
Oh, please. My mother's a "ma'am."
This... is all "miss."
As in, "You wouldn't wanna miss this."
[Breanna] Wait a minute.
You mean I'm supposed to be naked during my massage, too?
But they just booked me with a male masseuse.
It's not a sexual thing, Breanna. These are trained professionals.
I don't care. I'm still switching to a female masseuse,
and if she goes L-word on me, I am so outta here.
We're gathering over here, ladies. It's time for your seaweed wraps.
Oh, we can't afford seaweed wraps.
Don't worry. It's included in the weekend package.
You are part of the Sydney Wong bachelorette party, right?
Why, yes. Yes, we are. [Chuckles]
This is Sydney Wong's cousin, Lisa.
Great. Just so you know, Sydney's been delayed
and won't be here until tonight, but she asked us to get you started.
Oh. Well, what kind of a cousin would I be if I held things up?
Let's go, people. [Chuckles]
You must be awfully hot in all those clothes.
I know a great strip drinking game. You strip while I drink.
Okay, that's not fair.
Looks like you had a head start on the drinking.
[pants]
[Arnaz] Just when I'm about to get some, here comes Breanna, blocking.
[Breanna] Oh, thank you so much for letting me switch.
[Arnaz] Oh, no, here she comes again.
I knew you'd be back.
Okay, you don't understand, there's a girl out there.
Oh, I understand totally.
Who wants a girl, when you can have a woman?
♪ I can't take no more ♪
Oh, our room is so cute. It feels so... lived in. [Chuckles]
Well, nothing's more quaint than staying at a bed and breakfast.
In France, we stayed in one that served wine and cheese at sunset.
Oh, please tell us you serve wine and cheese.
- Oh, please, please, please. - They're begging again, dawg.
"Please feel free to sample our complimentary spa products."
Ooh, thank you. I will. [Chuckles]
Ugh!
Mm.
Ooh, what is this? "Mango Lime Passion Body Frosting."
Ooh, it smells good.
- [Breanna] Mm. - [clears throat] Excuse me.
Are you Breanna?
Oh, yes, I'm Breanna.
Uh... you might wanna rub some of that lotion in.
Oh! Yeah.
Well, yeah, I'm just, um, conditioning my surface first.
You know, you just got to let it sit for a minute. [Chuckles]
Okay, that's long enough. [Chuckles]
Well, look, it's going to be a few minutes
before your next treatment.
Would you like a complimentary foot massage while you wait?
Uh... Can I keep my clothes on?
Oh!
- [breathes heavily] - All right...
what's this game you're playing? 'Cause I think it's hot.
Look, I'm hiding from someone.
[gasps] Ooh! You kidnapped me, and the cops are looking for us.
Oh, I love that.
Whatever you do, don't take me against my will.
[mild-tempo music playing]
- [mild-tempo music playing] - ♪ Yeah ♪
- We're back. - [girl 1] Hey, guys.
Perfect timing.
We got wine and cheese for you, ladies.
- [man] Estan muy lindas. - Uh...
why did your cab drivers follow you in?
Oh, this is Paolo and Miguel. We met them at the tournament.
[chuckles] Aren't we naughty girls?
I want to spank you.
See? I told you they'd have wine
- and cheese for us. - [Paolo] Mm-hmm.
Oh, thanks. We're gonna take this to our room.
Huh... the cheap stuff.
It's okay. I just going to be drinking out of her bellybutton anyways.
[clicks tongue]
[man] Here you go.
Drink this. It'll flush out the toxins.
What? You got me toxins?
Toxins were already in your body. I just helped release 'em.
Yeah, you sure did.
- Enjoy the rest of your stay. - Thank you.
[music playing on stereo]
Now what are you doing, Breanna?
Oh!
I can't take it anymore!
Oh, that's what I'm talking about!
Now the shorts.
Oh, you know what? I think I'm going to take my chances out there.
[Sara] So, what should we do first?
Hey, you still haven't had your massage?
Nope, not yet. I've just been sitting here enjoying some scenery.
[laughs] And I'm enjoying this cucumber salad.
Oh, excuse me.
Can I please have some ranch dressing when you get a chance?
Sure. But you do know those cucumbers are for your eyes.
Yeah, I know. And the dressing's for my forehead.
Facials in 20 minutes, girls.
- [chuckles] - Thanks, Shel.
What? W... wait. How can you guys afford facials?
Oh, she thinks we're part of a bachelorette party.
- Everything's covered. - That is so wrong.
[chuckles] Actually, it's so Wong. [laughs]
[Arnaz] Oh, this is bad. Keep walking, Rachel, keep walking.
Hi, Breanna. I'm Rachel.
- [Arnaz] Please don't be her masseuse. - I'm your masseuse.
Here's your ranch dressing for your forehead.
Thank you. [Chuckles] I'm... I'm going to put this on later.
Well, come with me, and I will take you out
- onto the patio. - Okay.
[Arnaz] Oh, new girlfriend, ex-girlfriend talking.
No good can come from that. Don't say my name. Don't say my name.
- [girl 1] Stop, Paolo. - [girl 2 giggling]
Yo, this isn't the weekend we had planned, man.
There are four people back there about to have sex,
and none of them are us.
Excuse me, D-Mack. Are you busy?
Perhaps I spoke too soon. [Chuckles]
- Yes, Melanie? - Uh,
it looks like the boys are going to stay over.
Uh, Paolo and I were wondering if the other room's available.
Sure.
- Just give us a minute to get it ready. - Thank you.
[music playing on stereo]
Man, what were you thinking? Now, where we going to sleep tonight?
Mm-hmm. Don't worry.
As proprietors of this B&B, we are required by law
to have regular unscheduled fire drills.
- [chuckles] I'm on it. I'm on it. - Mm-hmm.
[D-Mack laughs]
- [grunts] - Oh, here... let me.
[exclaims]
[smoke detector beeping]
- Fire! - Fire!
- [exclaiming] - This way! This way! Save yourselves!
Grande fuego! Muy caliente!
♪ Hey ♪
So before we get started, are there any problem areas
that you wanna tell me about?
[Breanna] Oh, okay, well, um...
school has been a little more stressful than I thought it would be.
You know, it's kind of hard living with five people.
Ooh, and to top all that, I just broke up with my boyfriend
who moved out here with me, because, you know,
we just wanted different things.
I wanted him to be the man of my dreams, and he wants to be a jerk.
Actually, I was talking about problem areas
on your body. [Chuckles]
Oh, I... I'm sorry.
Um. Well, I kinda don't like my ankles.
Oh, I see. You're a virgin.
What? How you know that?
Well, this is your first time at a spa, isn't it?
Uh. You're a spa virgin.
Oh, yeah, spa virgin.
Good evening.
- Uh. Hello. - On table now.
- Oh, no, I'm not here... - Table... now!
Take off your clothing.
I won't look.
Relax, I'm not going to bite you.
So I'm gonna start on your back,
and you just let me know if you feel any pain at all.
Oh, girl, believe me, I have a high tolerance for pain.
You should have heard my ex-boyfriend sing.
He sounds like a wounded dog.
[howls in pain]
Wait, just like that. What's going on over there?
It's one of Helga's clients.
She's got the hands of a Soviet brick mason.
Eyes front!
[Breanna] So how about you? You have a boyfriend?
I did just meet this cute guy, and he's here to visit me for the weekend.
Ooh, good for you. I hope everything works out.
Thanks. Normally, I don't date musicians.
They're usually self-absorbed boneheads who spend most of the day oiling up,
and practicing rock star poses in the mirror.
Girl, that's what I had. I am so glad to be done with that.
Well... I do kind of miss his abs, though. [chuckles]
Mm, I know. My new guy, abs of steel. But he knows it.
You know, they all know it.
Well, good thing they don't know is that's the only reason why we date 'em.
[both chuckles]
[groans]
Oh, my goodness, Helga is rough. What is she doing to that poor woman?
[bones cracking]
[groans, screams] T... that one hurt!
- Arnaz? - Arnaz?
- [groans] - Such a baby.
I'll go get some baby powder for your frail American tushy.
Arnaz?
Breanna...
what are you doing at guitar camp?
Wait a minute. You two know each other?
Yeah, this is my ex-boyfriend. How do you know him?
This is the guy I was telling you about.
Hey, what a small world, huh?
I can't believe you lied to me,
and said that you were going to guitar camp.
Good luck with him, Rachel,
but personally, I think you can do way better.
I don't know what's going on here,
but why would you have to lie to your ex-girlfriend?
Well, if I told her if was going with you for the weekend,
it would have been weird around the house when I got home.
Wait a minute. You live with her?
Oh, right. It's on my list of things to lie to you about.
Well, I was gonna tell you that I'm double-jointed,
and I can drop it like it's hot in more than 20 positions.
But forget about it. Helga...
he said your massage was weak.
Okay...
back on table, baby.
I'll kick it up a notch.
[upbeat music playing]
[mild-tempo music playing]
Look, Breanna...
let me explain. Okay, it's not like I lied to hurt you.
I seriously didn't think you were ready to hear
that I was spending the weekend with somebody.
And I'm not ready to hear it now.
I have reached a place spa people call "total relaxation."
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm headed back to my room.
Oh, and by the way,
I'm completely naked underneath my robe... and loving it.
[upbeat music playing]
- ♪ This is the remix ♪ - ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Ah ♪ - ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Whoa ♪ - ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ One on one ♪ - ♪ One on one, yo ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, one on one ♪ - ♪ Huh ♪
- ♪ One on one ♪ - ♪ One on one, yo ♪
- ♪ One on one ♪ - ♪ One on one ♪
- Love you, Daddy. - Love you too, Nellie.