Alright, everybody, let's collectively rewind 13
our minds back in time -- 14
66 million years ago, to be precise. 15
The dinosaurs are here on Earth. 16
Meanwhile, up in space, our asteroid is now hurtling 17
towards the Earth, getting hotter and hotter. 18
If you were a terrestrial dinosaur, 19
you'd have experienced some heat 20
that is almost unimaginable -- 21
something like 1,200 degrees. 22
At that temperature, your blood will literally start 23
to boil inside your body, 24
and you will die. 25
Wait. You're actually gonna sign that? 26
You're actually wearing nails that say "Pussy Power"? 27
Maybe I really love cats. 28
Prove it. 29
You want me to show you my pussy? 30
She's a comedy queen, baby! 31
Um, why haven't you accepted my follow request on Insta? 32
Okay. So I get dress-coded, but meanwhile, 33
no one does anything about all the real fashion crimes 34
against humanity happening in this school. 35
Slip-ons with socks? 36
Wraparound sunglasses? 37
I mean, you need to be arresting those people 38
and expelling them and making them fly drones into their head 39
so they accidentally drown. 40
There we go. 41
I got you. 42
So, why won't you let me follow you? 43
You're one away from suspension. 44
And? 45
Okay, okay. That -- That just pisses me off. 46
'Cause we got bigger fish to fry. 47
"We"? Who's "We"? 48
Like "Black people"? 49
Like "Black queer people"? 50
What if this is the fish I want to fry? 51
So I saw this, um -- 52
this video of you jumping off a boat to help Nathan? 53
Oh! It made it all the way to VHS. 54
Be that person. 55
Is this where you therapize me? 56
Can I recommend a therapist? 57
But you know I just want to lie on your couch. 58
You need to repaint your nails. 59
So that's a no. 60
Is it 'cause you got a boyfriend? 61
I was a band geek in high school. 62
You know, I -- I loved it. 63
Someone else's music, someone else's steps, 64
someone else's clothes. 65
Conformity -- just give me more of it. 66
Literally, let me march to the beat of someone else's drum. 67
I see you, and it's like I'm... 68
You are who I wish I was in high school. 69
So accept my Insta request. 70
You need to go now. 71
See you at GSA. 72
Yeah, um, actually, I got stuff to take care of, 73
so I don't think I'm gonna make it. 74
Okay, then. 75
We'll miss you. 76
I'm the asteroid. 77
You're the dinosaur. 78
I love that podcast. 79
The atmosphere blows up, 80
and the dinosaurs go extinct in a second. 81
But, like, all the little creatures living in the dirt 82
just under the surface survive. 83
So what? We're all just supposed to hide underground 84
and wait for the apocalypse? Like, for what? 85
I'm sorry. I'm just, like, 86
experiencing rejection on multiple levels. 87
You want a hit? 88
No. 89
It's the fucking Binary, you know? 90
Yeah. 91
Actually, no, I have no idea what you're talking about. 92
Yeah, this is just The Great Binary doing its work -- 93
Stay or go. 94
Isolate or celebrate. 95
Funyuns or Hot Cheetos. 96
But this Binary keeps wanting you to choose. In or out. 97
So you're just like can't stay in, so gotta be out. 98
Then the Binary wins. 99
Now I'm thinking about In-N-Out. 100
Shit. 101
My munchies are setting in. 102
No, don't do it. 103
That zucchini bread is nasty. 104
Yeah. I dunno. 105
For some reason, I'm just really attracted to it, 106
and I want to get to know it better. 107
...and then you have to stand up 108
and be like, "I'm Naomi. 109
My pronouns are she/her, and I'm a lesbian." 110
But I'm not! 111
I'm only going because you're my best friend 112
and my brother's bi. 113
Shit. I don't know. 114
Those are some tough motherfuckers in there. 115
If they think you're straight at all, 116
they will fucking cut you. 117
I only get a pass 'cause my dads, 118
but it's touch-and-go, so you have to say it. 119
Wait. Are you serious? 120
Bitch, I'm just messing with you! 121
Oh, my God! I'm dying! I'm dying! 122
Hey, Jack. 123
Rose. 124
Are you, um -- Are you going in? 125
No, um, I got stuff I need to take care of. 126
We need you. 127
Otherwise, it's just gonna be, like, 10 hours of Delilah 128
TED-talking about trigger warnings. 129
I can't save everyone all the time, you know. 130
I like your nails. 131
"Posse Power." 132
Um, I-I'll see you later. 133
Okay, bye. 134
Oh! By the way, I just found out your grandma's white! 135
Why would we take a field trip to a wall? 136
Stonewall isn't a wall. 137
I can see us raising money for a trip, 138
but New York might be a little tricky. 139
Last year, the Young Republicans went to Fort Lee. 140
Yeah, well, they're much better funded than we are. 141
Hi. Hi. 142
Just, um, before we keep going with, you know, all of that, uh -- 143
And I know things are changing in here, 144
and, you know, new people, and -- 145
and you like to run things the way you do, which is great. 146
I just think it might be nice if I were to introduce us 147
to someone new with us. 148
This is Luz, my star soccer player. 149
Top scorer here. 150
This girl really knows how to score. 151
'Sup. 152
So, is there anything you'd like to share, 153
Luz, that brought you here? 154
Any issues, or...? 155
Yeah, I'm single. 156
That's an issue. 157
I'd like to fix that. 158
Hit me up. 159
Yeah. Can we go back to the trip? 160
We have to do something. 161
I just feel like we're all really complacent. 162
Maybe we should just do, like, a dance or something? 163
That's not a bad idea. 164
Or there's gay day at Disneyland. 165
Yeah, um, Disney's pretty problematic. 166
It is. 167
I mean, Ursula's the villain and a drag queen lesbian. 168
- Scar -- - That's really cool. 169
lispy villain who literally says, 170
"Let me practice my curtsy." 171
Or "Toy Story" Ken -- 172
closeted gay fashionista who's all "I am not a girl toy." 173
Like, and he's saying that, like, 174
literally the worst thing a boy could be is a girl or gay. 175
It's just -- I don't think we can give money to that company. 176
I'm sorry. We can't. 177
I kind of agree with Delilah. 178
I mean, not about the Disney thing. 179
I love me my Disney musicals. 180
But history, yes. 181
I'm on this whole thing right now 182
about the history of humankind, 183
and I just have to say, we are living in a bubble. 184
Like, I'm sick of all this short-term memory. 185
We're like, "Oh, I would never let there be 186
concentration camps," And, like, 187
we're literally putting kids in cages right now. 188
Fuck! I don't know. 189
Like, I'm all worked up, and I don't even know why. 190
But I agree with Delilah. 191
Like, I don't want to sit and argue 192
about who's making Rice Krispie treats 193
for some shitty bake sale. 194
Like, let's tell the school they have to give us money. 195
Let's go to the Queer Motherland, San Francisco. 196
Let's learn some historical shit about ourselves. 197
And from now on, let's just, 198
like, get it the fuck right, okay? 199
Wait. You guys... 200
Also, doesn't San Francisco have, like, 201
that three-story H&M? 202
Girl. 203
Chester. 204
That was perfect. 205
May I? 206
Yeah. 207
Let's give them something to talk about. 208
Okay. But they're also literally not talking at all. 209
Wait. I don't understand. 210
Like, you came out, you jumped off a boat. 211
Like, nobody's saying anything? 212
Yeah, no. My mom is just like, "Oh, hi. 213
Everything's bueno." 214
Is she gonna freak? 215
Probably. 216
Do you want me to stop? 217
You jump, I jump, right? 218
Oh, my God. No, seriously, stop. 219
- No. - Yes. 220
Please hit an iceberg. 221
Oh, my God. We should do the thing. 222
- What thing? - We're doing the thing. 223
"The thing." Come on. 224
- Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, okay, okay. 225
Close your eyes. 226
Do you trust me? 227
Now open your eyes. 228
Literally posting this for the world. 230
Megan! 231
It's Lindsay. 232
I know who you are, Lindsay. 233
We're on that thingy together. 234
Oh. How's it going? 235
Things are good. 236
Good. I'm so glad. 237
So glad. 238
It's just, I know how kids are -- mean -- 239
so I wanted to check in on you. 240
Oh, thanks. I so appreciate that. 241
Do I know what you're talking about? 242
I'm sorry. 243
I'm incredibly confused. 244
What is your kid's name again? 245
- Ella. - Ella Michaels. Right. 246
I was confusing her with the Ella 247
who got caught selling her parents' pot. 248
She was barely making a profit. 249
Oh, I'm sorry. 250
That was your Ella. 251
Oh, God. 252
Ella felt just sick about that video of Nathan. 256
Oh, my God. 257
Literally posting this for the world. 258
She's a birdy. 259
- Yes! - Oh, my gosh! You're making me fall! 260
Sorry. What's this for? 261
Snacks. For the meeting next week. 262
We still need gluten-free cookies 263
or anything vegan/sugar-free! 264
You know what? I am not busting my fanny 265
making vegan/sugar-free desserts for 20 people. 266
Seriously. 267
Whatever happened to just cookies? 268
Well, Megan, we do already have 269
quite a few different types of cookies. 270
Great. Then that should be enough. 271
You now, there was a day when people were happy with cookies. 272
Now it's all..." 273
Oh, I identify as a... 274
sugar-hating fake celiac-person" whatever. 275
You know what? You don't want cookies? 276
- Have a carrot. - Melissa's bringing carrots. 277
Oh! Well, you know what? 278
Someone might not identify as an orange carrot eater, 279
so you should bring some white carrots and some red carrots. 280
Right? 281
Ugh! So tedious. 282
"Pay attention to me! 283
Special allergic person me! 284
"I identify as --" 285
I'm sorry, but -- 286
there was a time when people were just normal. 287
You know? Just... 288
Hon? 289
Damn it! 290
Can you not glue my finger? 291
I'm not, and you're welcome. 292
- Okay, yeah. But you see, it's on my skin -- - Mom! 293
Did you see that, um... 294
video loop thing? 295
Of Nathan? Yeah, everyone saw it. 296
Oh, I see. 297
- So everyone knows? - What do you mean? 298
There were a gazillion people there. 299
I think they all understood, though, 300
that it was just a silly joke nothing-thing. 301
- Right? - He's a mess, okay? 302
And a total attention whore. 303
Yes! That's my whole point. 304
But it's not like he was making it up, 305
and it's not that big of a deal. 306
I mean, I guess you think he's going to hell or whatever, 307
but I just think he has, 308
like, character problems and moral issues. 309
- Yeah. - And can be selfish. 310
But I think he's just freaked out a bit, 311
and I think it's weird you don't talk to him. 312
He knows where I stand. 313
Yeah. Okay. You do you. 314
Oh, you know what? 315
I really hate that expression. 316
"You do you"? I don't even know what it means. 317
I'm just asking you to keep me in the loop. 318
You know, with your brother. 319
Yeah, not gonna do that. 320
Talk to him. 321
You're welcome for the nail. 322
You guys! What a surprise! It's not frosé night! 323
Well, Thursday's too far away, and Mama needed her cocktail. 324
I am loving this tropical print. 325
Hello, Malibu Megan! 326
Nice manners! 327
You make us so proud! 328
- Go on back. - Sorry. 329
Go. 330
What? I just thought it'd be nice to blow off a little steam 331
with the boys. 332
I am giving up on him. 333
I am. 334
I am giving up on Brad Pitt. 335
That "12 Monkeys" Thing. 336
And "Trees of Life"? 337
And the Fighting Club? 338
They're all just so confusing. 339
Why is Edward Norton punching himself? 340
I just -- I'm sorry, Brad. 341
Just please take off your shirt and shut up. 342
You don't have to prove you're smart 343
by being in movies normal people can't understand. 344
Well, in what context did you watch them? 345
What do you mean? 346
I just mean, some films you have to give your full 347
and undivided attention to. 348
And if you're talking through them, you know, it's kind of hard. 349
Like "Inception." 350
Well, be interesting, and I won't talk through you. 351
Okay? 352
Who wants more? 353
- Come on. - Thanks. 354
How's Nathan? 355
He's good! 356
Well, we're... 357
a little bit worried. 358
What? Come on, honey. 359
- It's Patrick and Joe. - I know! 360
But just what -- 361
What is there to talk about? 362
It's just a lot of change. You know? 363
And I have those apps, you know? 364
I meditate. I get it. 365
The only thing that's permanent is impermanence and... 366
Namaste. 367
Savasana, whatever. 368
I don't know. It's just a lot. 369
Which is why, at the end of the day, 370
I just want Brad Pitt to take off his shirt 371
and stop making me have to think. 372
Look, the Nathan thing, it's just a little confusing. 373
Generally, bi is confusing. 374
It's really not confusing. 375
"Inception" Is confusing. 376
- Honey, I find it -- - Who wants more? 377
- I find it a little confusing. - It's not. 378
Want more? 379
I have learned a lot, actually, online. 380
Yeah. 381
Some of it's a little bit too much. 382
I mean, did I need to know there is an entire category 383
for "Bisexual Cuckold Porn"? 384
What? No! 385
But -- I don't know -- it is -- it's all about choices. 386
Right? And -- 387
And our job is to make sure that Nathan chooses well. 388
- May I speak frankly? - Mm, not too frankly. 389
Okay. 390
Bisexuality can be confusing. 391
But it doesn't mean that they're, you know, 392
cheating all the time or having a bunch of threesomes 393
or sleeping with everything that moves. 394
And I get it, because one of the things 395
that makes it so confusing 396
is that literally every gay man came out as bi first. 397
I mean, I said I was bi, 398
and I was gayer than a straight guy in a musical. 399
Wait. 400
I starred in all my college musicals. 401
Now, I'm not saying Nathan is using bi as an excuse. 402
He's not. 403
He's not. 404
I mean, come -- 405
I have a feeling that Nathan likes a little drama. 406
They all do. 407
They all like to say, "I'm this today," 408
or, "Today I'm that," You know? 409
And to have all their friends comment and... 410
put likes on their posts and whatnot. 411
But half the time, they don't even know what the words mean. 412
My point is that I know my son. 413
And I know what will make him happy. 414
Right? And that is all that I want for him. 415
It's his happiness. 416
With a woman. 417
Motherfucker! 418
Hon? 419
God -- It's broken. 420
It's just a... 421
bottle of red. 423
...it is -- it's all about choices. 424
Right? And -- 425
And our job is to make sure that Nathan chooses well. 426
- May I speak frankly? - Mm, not too frankly. 427
Of course. Okay. 428
Bisexuality can be confusing. 429
But it doesn't mean that they're, you know, 430
cheating all the time or having a bunch of threesomes 431
or sleeping with everything that moves. 432
And I get it, because one of the things 433
that makes it so confusing 434
is that literally every gay man 435
came out as bi first. 436
I mean, I said I was bi, 437
and I was gayer than a straight guy in a musical. 438
Wait. 439
I starred in all my college musicals. 440
Now, I'm not saying Nathan is using bi as an excuse. 441
He's not. He's not. 442
I have a feeling that Nathan likes a little drama. 443
They all do. 444
They all like to say, "I'm this today," 445
or, "Today I'm that," . You know? 446
And to have all their friends comment and... 447
put likes on their posts and whatnot. 448
But half the time, they don't even know what the words mean. 449
My point is that I know my son. 450
And I know what will make him happy. 451
Right? And that is all that I want for him. 452
It's his happiness. 453
With a woman. 454
She's gross. 455
She's the grossest thing I've ever seen. 456
Oh. Finally. 457
Gets the job done, okay? 458
That's actually pretty good. 459
Who did your nails? 460
Chester. 461
Oh, stop. It's nothing. 462
If a man jumps in the water for me and paints my nails, 463
then he is, for sure, thirsty for me. 464
No, it's the opposite. 465
He's so not into me, he's just like, 466
"Oh, let me save this poor drowning puppy." 467
You're good. 468
Why couldn't you have just gotten wine? 469
They'd notice. 470
And you try measuring booze 471
while your parents discuss your sex life. 472
My dads think you're definitely gay. 473
But that's just them. 474
I told them I didn't get gay vibes. 475
Oh, my God. You guys are so weird. 476
What did you tell them? 477
I told them that we kissed. 478
Why? 479
I told them I liked it. 480
Oh, my God. 481
And they were like, "Don't get hurt, babydoll," 482
'cause they think you're just using me 483
to pretend you're not gay. 484
But really I think it's because 485
they had a shitshow with their third, 486
so they're just very anti- anything romantic right now. 487
I wasn't using you. 488
Oh, I know. 489
Uh, I'm just gonna get something. 490
I'll be right back. 491
Wait. Do you enthusiastically consent? 492
I just put your hand on my tit. 493
Oh, shit. Naomi's upset. 494
I'm sorry. It's just me and her, we're finally, like -- 495
- No, I get it. - But I loved it. And, um... 496
thank you. 497
Arianna! We're going! 498
Arianna! 499
Your lips just make me want to put my fingers in your mouth. 500
Arianna, we're going! 501
Naomi? 503
Look, I-I don't really have anything too good to say, but, um... 504
I don't know. It's -- It's weird. 505
It's, like, when someone likes me, 506
I-I kind of can't believe it. 507
You know that Boomerang of me? 508
I feel like that's just like who I am. 509
Doing the same stupid shitty thing over and over, 510
and I'm just watching myself, like, "Don't do that."