Can it be so easy to love, when do you actually find love?
When you were scared of that feeling so long.
HE LOVES ME
Hermes Pitakos
Sanu Shoteka
voice-over Thanos Lecas
script and direction CONSTANTINOS MENELAU
LEAVING THE CITY I was too scared to leave town.
It sounded like I was going to miss it from life.
Even if I left only for a while.
I hated my life at the time.
I didn't feel anything and distant for months.
You said there was a beautiful beach at that place.
You've been here once.
It will affect us well.
Let's experience something beautiful.
It will be calm and quiet.
I wondered if this was a test.
Bring us to this place.
Let's see what if we're all alone, together, surrounded by beauty.
Will I stop blaming you? for everything I'm not?
Maybe ... you wanted to break up with me?
If we can't enjoy love in this place, then it's all over.
I wanted to do my best to make this work.
Although it was difficult now not to show my sadness.
I followed you.
I didn't expect anything.
Only when I was diving,
in this clear water,
when I realized how much I missed that.
I felt moments of happiness,
what I always wanted-
And I was glad to be there with you.
Suddenly...
new things came to my mind,
new plans for the future.
To make plans is my favorite thing.
Something I stopped doing in the city.
Because most of them failed, one after another.
Destroyed.
I remember the first time I saw you.
In that cafe where he worked.
I was too shy to say whatever.
I asked everyone about you.
But you were with someone else at the time.
Me too.
It took us a while to connect
and a little later, when both we were free
we went out on a date.
It was summer,
we were both so sweet in our short shorts.
We went to a summer movie,
but we hardly saw anything from the movie.
We kept looking at each other,
we held hands,
we didn't care what people thought
in our small, rural town.
We both cried tonight.
It was ... a relief ...
to believe I had found someone finally ...
to love.
We both needed that ... so much.
We didn't know if we were good for each other,
but we didn't care.
The feeling was too strong.
We had found each other.
We were so innocent and naive then.
I fell in love with you almost immediately,
because you looked so good.
But these were only first impressions.
Later, I saw the real you.
You gave yourself completely to me, without asking questions.
I did the same.
We became addicted to each other.
We have lost ourselves in our reciprocity.
The sex with you was amazing.
He was full and emotionally powerful.
But the best thing was to wake up next to you.
To look into your eyes in the morning.
We made every day worth it.
That's how we got used to each other.
Let my uncertainty disappear.
And to show my love.
I tied you to me.
MY IMPERFECTIONS
In the beginning ... it was like a game.
I should have had you.
I behaved in the best way.
But when I already had you ....
something has changed.
They treated me with love and respect
and I couldn't manipulate you, as I usually did in a relationship.
I had to banish my insecurity and their weaknesses
and treat you the same respect with which you were treated.
But I wasn't ready.
I could never see myself ready.
That required me to be perfect.
Like you were.
But I wasn't.
I was far from perfect.
And instead of trying to be,
I pushed myself in the opposite direction.
I turned against you.
Against us.
I couldn't stand our difference.
You were so balanced, and I was not.
At least that's how I felt.
But my imperfection was gone especially important to you.
I couldn't resist your love.
I loved you...
but I could never relax with you.
I wanted to enjoy her
and to be a part of your free spirit and nature.
I wanted to embrace beauty, which surrounded us,
the way you.
But I wasn't you ...
already.
Every time we fought, it was wrong.
Because of the wrong arguments we had.
Who can forget everything we said to hurt each other.
All those horrible things, which I said.
Just to make you angry.
To push you away
so as not to feel guilty for all lesions,
for which I was guilty.
How selfish of me, to make you look bad:
for your career choice,
just because mine wasn't going anywhere.
But any quarrel,
was followed by honest tears,
endless hugs
exclusive sex
and magnetic
intimate moments.
However, they still
they could not wash away the emptiness,
which I felt inside.
There was faith that one day everything will be fine,
that we will do better.
You said you believed in beauty,
in the insidious and ugly,
destroyed facade.
I was innocent.
How could I not want to be with you ?!
I was joking with you, saying such things things, but deep down, I loved it.
And I knew you were right.
You were often right.
But I couldn't always admit it.
When we were arguing ...
it was so detailed, what it wasn't along with my choices, with my job,
my friends, my way of life.
And that fueled me to be angry with you, not with myself.
I was focused on proving that it's your fault
instead of admitting that you are right.
and accept your offer to help me.
You pressed my buttons more obviously,
he fought in an almost childish way to help me.
But it did not work.
It only made it worse.
The last thing I wanted it was my terrible life
to be constantly ready to endure, the man I loved.
But ... you were young too.
We didn't love either.
Nevertheless...
talking to you was always felt correct.
When we weren't so judgmental
you had the answers to all my stupid questions.
You often knew what was best.
Even now
I must always be against this, what you say.
That's because I didn't want to admit it to me you know better than I do.
But in the end,
I quietly followed your advice
and I spent hours, thinking of your words,
which I loved ... so much.
I WISH I HAD YOUR CHILDHOOD
I often wondered what you were doing, when I was not with you.
I was jealous of you, but I never showed it.
They all loved
and how can it be the other way around?
You always had good things to say for each.
Always cheerful,
always positive.
Your connection to the world it was a mystery to me.
We have grown radically different way.
You come from a healthy place.
I wish I had your childhood.
I accused you of going out in the evening with me,
to take drugs, to flirt, to party.
But that was innocent of you.
There seemed to be no consequences.
For me, it was an obsession.
Addictive.
I couldn't avoid it.
I expected you to do something for stopping me,
to save me from myself.
And to some extent you did,
he was always by my side.
Let me play my game,
allowing me to throw it away from your system,
but I could not stop.
I often thought I was doing these things,
because you are not the right person for me.
That the right person, will stop my insecurity.
That I will fill the void.
That his love will solve everything.
But later I realized that no one he could not do that.
Boyfriend, is someone you love,
not someone you use to heal your wounds.
This is something that everyone you have to do it yourself.
And usually this enlightenment comes, when you fall to the lowest level,
which was exactly the hole to which I had rushed.
Before you, I could party a lot and to feel good about myself.
You turned it all around with the head down.
Being with you felt like a battle.
You never said much, but the meaning was clear:
what you mean was that I'm doing everything wrong.
You knew I felt guilty for what I was,
in what I had become.
It was hard to be with someone like me.
Especially when I had to prove myself in front of you at the same time.
We did not have the same funds.
If it wasn't for me, I don't know, how often would you go out:
or take drugs, or experiment with boys-
You did it for me, to be with me.
He made me stand in the face with his nonsense.
I knew you liked the good things about me
and he wanted to be himself.
To be as good as I ever was.
To be the best.
He was telling me your story for your trip to Thailand.
Describing the similarities of the physical and the emotional environment.
I knew you were on this trip with a man.
I knew it because you told me once.
All you really wanted was was to start a conversation,
because we were silent such a long time.
I thought,
that you wanted to prove something or something like this.
That it was better with him,
because we did not have such amazing moments together.
But of course,
you would never do that.
He just wanted to talk about Thailand.
I was scared of that.
It wasn't your fault,
but overly dramatic, as always,
I got up and went back to the tent,
leaving you all alone.
... AND I BROUGHT HIM HOME.
I hadn't slept well the night before.
I started thinking what we left behind.
I knew that if I turned off and focused with the new that surrounds me,
will make me feel better
to think more productively, to have fun.
On the surface, I was doing, as you did.
I lay on the beach, basking in the sun, I was trying to calm down ..
But reassurance seemed impossible.
There was nothing threatening in the nature that surrounded me.
There was no reason for me to worry about anything.
I was not worried.
Last winter was crazy.
I was obsessed with the idea that I'm not good enough for you.
Basically - for anything.
I had to find ways to to stand next to you.
Instead of working more, to try harder
I fell into the trap of vices in life.
I wanted you to cheat on me, to accuse you of something.
I wanted you to fail, to be even.
I encouraged you to do so.
It was too stupid to think that I can push you to something like that.
You couldn't understand What's happening to me.
That didn't make any sense.
I let you think
that your confusion to understand, What do I mean
is your own inability to understand me.
I couldn't stop thinking about that night:
the night without a face,
we spent all the money on drugs
and I invited a boy to party with us.
I liked it and I knew that you like it too.
You had seen him play in one play
and you didn't stop talking, how good he is as an actor.
It had been almost a year of quarrels, drugs and lack of money.
I thought you wanted us to break up.
I wasn't sure what you did, if you did anything at all.
I saw you getting tired of us,
but he never left.
You were always ... there.
Why did he love me?
Up to a point, there was in me, too only cold feelings.
I knew I loved you too, but did you feel it?
I accepted you as something guaranteed.
You would never leave me, so I allowed myself more mistakes.
So I brought him home.
We had talked to try with other boys
because we hadn't tried, and all our friends did.
Our monogamy was a fabrication for our gay friends.
No one even believed me because I was behaving whore as we went out to parties.
But the truth is, apart from the jokes, I had never slept with anyone else.
And deep down I knew that you certainly aren't either.
No matter how hard I tried to kill my romantic country,
I did not succeed.
But in the environment in which we were moving,
the same one we were a part of,
it was easy to try something that was absolutely contrary to your principles.
On the contrary, who you are.
I remember it was awful.
And dirty.
We were so out of our minds.
I started everything.
I told him to turn around,
because he was staring at me.
I couldn't look at you.
We did not touch.
It wasn't us.
It was already morning and I had to go to work.
He stayed with you in bed.
I walked down the street convinced, that he fucked you after I left.
I wish you fucked him, to blame you for everything.
I couldn't stand the thought to blame myself.
I couldn't stand the thought, you fucked him.
I couldn't stand any of that.
Even when we were in bed the night before
too intoxicated even to fuck normally,
I thought both you touch romantically,
feeling each other, connecting ...
Something changed after tonight.
We lost something.
I stopped feeling you.
I felt...
so alone.
DARKNESS
After my long walk,
I was lying in front of our tent, trying to get rid of your thoughts.
You sat next to me.
I guess he was wondering, where have i been
I would not go back to that one terrible night.
We've talked about her so much already.
I couldn't do this to you again.
Said...
that I don't feel very well.
I couldn't tell you about that purity of mind,
compared to mine.
For the tired psyche-
Someone else's mind was spinning in a circle with thoughts
and the cases we already were discarded in the past.
I raised my concerns again about money, career. All this.
But that was a lie.
These were important issues,
but they didn't really matter then.
They were just the result, of the real thing problem in front of me.
In front of us.
Which meant to me, basically.
It was hard for me to find meaning in most things.
I was almost basically driven from my emotions.
I was sad, selfish, insecure and enslaved by my vices.
The damage from my origin was showing.
Hiding all these years, lying, pretending ...
fear of love, fear of love will not be enough
that I will finish alone,
fucks you when you're a kid.
He fucks you for life.
Changing the landscape doesn't make it any better.
In fact, it showed much more clearly how fucked up I was.
You tried to cheer me up,
telling me how talented I am.
Giving logical explanations why still I am not successful in my work.
Why I'm still struggling.
I was honest about my feelings.
I even felt worse, in nature, than I felt in the city.
There was no more life in the city, to put all the blame on you.
It was my fault.
I didn't let the beauty affect me.
Your attempts to get me failed to feel better.
Did I kill our love that night?
She was clean.
Old-fashioned.
And more naive than I'm used to.
Did I kill her by inviting him?
Is that the thought which I can't overcome?
What should I focus on?
On the cause of my depression or on the consequences?
I wasn't that strong.
Maybe that night, with this boy, it was too much.
We crossed the line.
I couldn't get rid of it.
I felt ... betrayed,
but I couldn't say it
and I couldn't afford it to feel that way.
It was like when I found out that I was gay when I was little.
I didn't want to feel that way. It hurt.
But that was the truth.
I couldn't understand for a while how did you let that happen.
I was out of control, but you weren't.
There must have been some pleasure,
what you got from this one rejected lifestyle.
I was still blaming you for that.
But I was to blame.
What a mess we got into.
I rediscovered the darkness once more
Even here.
EVERYTHING I REALLY WANTED WAS YOU
This place... it couldn't be more beautiful.
But I still succeeded to humiliate him for both of us.
To be surrounded by people only it made me feel more lonely.
I finally managed to get us to the edge.
And I really felt it because it was quiet
we didn't argue or shout at each other
In fact, we were kind to each other.
It was as if it was really over.
I could feel the cold reality of powerful insecurity creeping into me.
I couldn't take you anymore as something guaranteed.
I felt so ... desperately alone
and vulnerable.
I felt so guilty,
that I mean nothing to you.
I know he left me for a while
to stop pretending that things will get better.
I really didn't deserve you.
You've been gone a few hours,
picked up his phone, so I guess that he wanted you to call home
and to a friend with whom to talk.
Someone other than me to gain understanding,
to exchange thoughts.
I didn't even think about it to do the same.
I wanted to be lost.
I had nothing to say to anyone. Already.
Except for you.
But while you were gone,
it was easy to come back to myself, in my destructive mind
assuming you're out there and flirt.
My loneliness turned into madness.
I asked you if sooner would be here with someone else.
You are so angry.
It was so immature of me even if I ask you this question.
Of course you will say no.
And now I understand that.
You loved me.
And he wouldn't be with anyone else here, and with me.
The destructive part of me wanted it to end all this.
Or maybe, to make it more dramatic.
To push everything to the edge.
To return to my old numbers:
it's never my fault.
Always loud and dramatic, both shouting and screaming
to get attention
to escape my misery and boredom.
I told you I was thinking about that night.
That I can't forget about her.
That I don't understand how you can.
How can you be so carefree.
You had already explained to me how you were felt after that night.
I said we had to break up.
My intention was to hurt you.
And you get upset would be my reward.
I wanted to say no.
Assure me it's not over.
That you love me
to oppose mine suggestion that we should break.
To be upset and to fight for me.
I wanted it to be dramatic.
I needed attention.
But ... you didn't say anything.
You ... just left.
Leave me alone
did not fall into the trap.
You are back,
but I did not have the courage to approach you.
I still wanted you to chase me.
Seriously,
I hardly thought I deserved it, any of that.
I wanted to see the sunset, sure that you will follow me
and the beauty of the landscape will do some miracle.
Probably ... that everything will be fine somehow.
The thought of losing you was too strong.
Explain to me quietly,
that you want to think about it.
To think of "us".
As things have not improved, then maybe we'll be better separated,
he told you.
Maybe when we're together, sabotages our efforts for happiness.
I was so scared.
I never wanted to be away from you.
What I really wanted ... it was ... you.
HE LOVES ME
I stared at the sea for a long time,
I was waiting for you to come and explain why do we have to separate.
I knew you'd be right, regardless. what would you say-
I was looking at the sea and that was it as meditation.
My thoughts became the engine before my eyes and everything was dark
and then it came back to you.
You know what?
I love you!
You needed a lot of courage to do this.
It would be easier just to leave and have fun.
To be free.
To find someone new.
I knew you didn't want to be with me, because you are afraid that you will be alone.
That you're actually with me because you really love me
In a magical way.
We were different,
different characters, different past,
but what was common was, that we felt the same way.
Logically, there is no reason to be together.
But our hearts became one.
You said it didn't matter that I'm raising your steam,
if I'm in trouble.
This will grow.
Families always behave to each other, so
we are Family
this is the truth.
I stayed in the water for a long time,
to make you look even better.
In the water,
I felt as if I had been allowed to be a little boy again.
Your little boy.
I liked everything again, which was before my eyes,
because you were there.
I felt connected.
I could feel you again.
The same emotions when I first met you.
The same when I was a child.
I felt so safe.
The landscape has changed into something amazing!
Now I could see the real one.
It was peaceful.
Time didn't matter.
I didn't think I could feel that way without drugs.
This is the feeling of love.
These moments of love will remain forever.
You and I alone ... on our beach,
watching the sun set.
I was happy.
OUR PARADISE
We stayed longer, not sure how long.
I was so immersed in us, to worry about the weather.
I know this place and the time we spent there
has something to do with your decision.
You hugged him,
all these amazing elements of nature,
which can have a positive impact on the human being.
I saw you swallow them.
You inhale them:
the water, the fresh air, the amazing beauty of the earth.
So many times as he looked back to this summer
I think I'm exaggerating, maybe not it was as clean as I remember.
Maybe you stayed on selfish motives.
Life is not always so sweet, as it seems-
There is always a struggle with reality.
But he was cute-
And he was romantic.
He was genuine.
You turned darkness into light.
And we couldn't be in a better place to approach each other again.
The island has become our paradise.
For the first time, in a very long time
I wanted to feel our love.
I loved myself that I felt again.
Then,
in this future in which I rendered to look
I lost you.
But love never disappears.
I had a long way to go,
to get better and I still have a lot to do.
Never forget to be grateful to you for showing me the way,
urging me to take the right turn,
this summer when you had to leave.
That's it. You stayed.
Translation, timing and subtitles: sofiaguy ™, 2019 https://sofiaguy.space
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