This programme contains some strong language
LAUGHTER
I used to work in a shop, me,
and I used to till stuff up - showing you, look -
and people came in...
They'd come in. I'd say, "That's £3.42, please."
"Do you want the 42?" "What?"
"Do you want the 42?"
"Yeah! I do!"
LAUGHTER
"Otherwise it'd be three quid.
"And that's not enough, is it?"
"No, you're all right. I'll take it out of my wage, shall I, eh?"
People say stupid things.
A woman come up to me in Bolton at Christmas.
She went, "Excuse me, love. Excuse me.
"Am I going the right way?"
LAUGHTER
I don't know! I don't know where you're going.
"I'll tell you this for free."
I love that one.
"I'll tell you this for free!" Put your money away.
"Believe you me. Believe you me."
Me, when did I get dragged in? Me?
"You me?" What's it got to do with me? You me?
"I won't touch him with a barge pole."
Who's got a barge pole?!
Who's got a barge pole? "I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole."
Oh, no. No, no.
"He's happy as Larry."
Who's this Larry?
Who is this Larry fella we can compare ourselves to,
he's that happy?
"First things first." That's a belter.
"Come on, first things first."
Really? Let's have first things third, shall we?
LAUGHTER
I love it when you come back off your holidays and people say,
"Eh, I see you brought the good weather back with you."
LAUGHTER
Imagine that at customs, eh?
"Have a look in here, shall we, see what you've...
"Jesus Christ, I'm blinded! Blinded!
"..'cking Crowded House here. Look at that, eh?!"
Slimming World, red and green days. Who goes Slimming World?
SCATTERED CHEERS
Slimming World. I went once.
It's, erm... If you don't know what Slimming World is,
it's like Weight Watchers but it's a quid cheaper.
LAUGHTER
Red and green days. I went once.
Methodist Church Hall in Bolton.
Thursday night, all women sat around in a semicircle.
"Let's have a look at you girls, now.
"Big round of applause for Debbie.
"This week she's lost a pound."
I said, "I shit a pound. What's that?!
"One pound! Big deal!
"Cost me 3.50 to get in. What's a pound?
"Shh, shh!"
"Joan at the back.
"Any problems this week, Joan, love?"
"Yeah, I can't poo."
"Too much information, Joan.
"We didn't need know that."
"I'm eating a Nutri-Grain here. Dirty bitch.
"Want that? Want that?"
"Carol at the back.
"What's happened here, love? What's happened here?
"You were doing really well - really well.
"You nearly had your half-stone sticker."
LAUGHTER
"What's going on, love? I'm looking here now... At my hand."
"..and I'm worried.
"What happened?"
"I were doing really well,
"and it-it got to Wednesday...
"..and... I don't know. I...
"I just..." "Come on, tell us. Share it with the group. Come on.
"Come on, we're all nosy bitches. Tell us."
LAUGHTER
"I got to Wednesday and...
"I broke one of my nails
"and I had a fry-up!"
HE WAILS
LAUGHTER
"Aw, we've all been there, girls. We've all been there.
"Give Carol a round of applause anyway for trying."
I said, "Trying what? Cooking oil? Fat bitch. What's she tried?
"What's she tried?! Don't clap her."
LAUGHTER
"Carol. Take the C off chips. What do you get?"
LAUGHTER
"It's up to you, love.
"I can't do it for you."
APPLAUSE
You know what I love about karaoke?
When you're singing on a karaoke,
you haven't got a clue that those were the words.
I was singing Take That, Back For Good.
# Wash your back # Wash your back
# Wash your back... #
"I want you back"? What's this? "Want you back"?
I've been singing wash your back, 15 years.
When you go on the karaoke and see the lyrics,
that's what they're supposed to be singing.
You know that song We Are Family?
For years I thought they were singing,
"Just let me staple the vicar."
Right? Who's right and who's wrong here? Listen...
# All of the people around us they say
# Can they be that close?
# Just let me state for the record... # HE MOUTHS "STAPLE THE VICAR"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's what they sing!
Just let me staple the vicar.
LAUGHTER
What's all that about?!
# Just let me state for the record... # HE MOUTHS "STAPLE THE VICAR"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We're giving love in a Femidom.
# We're giving love in a family dose
HE MOUTHS "IN A FEMIDOM"
# We are family... #
LAUGHTER
You know Duffy? Duffy, the Welsh songstress?
The last three years I thought
that poor cow were begging me for birdseed.
# I'm begging you for mercy... #
HE MOUTHS "FOR BIRDSEED"
LAUGHTER
# I'm begging you for mercy... #
APPLAUSE
Apparently, it's mercy. I thought it were birdseed!
I'm on karaoke giving it "birdseed, birdseed."
Mercy?
If you didn't go abroad for your holiday,
then you had your holiday in England!
Glorious, big six-week holidays at home.
Playing out till 11 o'clock at night.
Light nights, have a water fight. Get an empty bottle of Fairy Liquid,
go out on the front street. "Having a water fight!
"Mum, wash some pots.
"Wash some pots, I'm having a water fight!
"Hurry up and wash some plates. Having a water fight.
"Give it here.
"It's full of suds, that. Come on, sort it out, Mum.
"I'm squirting suds at other kids."
Playing out in your slippers.
How fast could you run in your slippers when you were a kid?
LAUGHTER
How fast could you run in your slippers?!
Slippers are fast, slippers!
Them three quid slippers off market. They're fast.
Oh, they are. When I used to...
They should give slippers out to athletes. I do, I think that.
Nike slippers. They should give them out.
We'd piss it at Olympics with Nike slippers.
Because they're fast.
When I used to run chippy on a Friday night in my slippers. Fast?!
Vroom!
Steve Austin. Vroom, slippers!
Playing out, go outside. Come in. Ever come in really thirsty?
"Oh, I'm thirsty! Mum, I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty, I want a drink!
"I'm thirsty, I want a drink, I want a drink. Give me a drink!"
IN IRISH ACCENT: "Have a cup of tea." "What?!"
"Have a cup of tea." "What do I want a cup of tea for?"
"It's the best thing you can have if you're thirsty."
"You're not even Irish, Mum. What's wrong with your voice?!"
"Have a good cup of tea, that's the best thing you can have
"if you're thirsty. A good cup of tea. It cools you down."
Bollocks. What a load of...
Can you just see them at Wimbledon, eh? "Game, set and match."
"Can you get the kettle on for these lads here?
"They're gasping!"
LAUGHTER
My mum's in tonight.
So I don't have to give her three rings.
LAUGHTER
Let her know I'm safe.
Do you ever do that? Give your mum three rings,
let her know you're safe.
And after the second ring, she picks it up, so what's the point of that?
LAUGHTER
I rang her the other week from London. She said, "Where are you?"
I said, "I'm in London."
"You don't sound like you're in London."
I said, "What do you want?
"Chas and Dave singing Rabbit behind me or something like that?
# Snooker loopy nuts are we... #
LAUGHTER
I love it when the phone rings about 10:30 at night
and you're both like that - "Who the hell's this?"
LAUGHTER
"Who the hell's this? Who's this ringing at this time?
"Who the hell's this?" Pick it up, you'll never know!
Pointing - "Who's this?
"It's rung off, it's rung off.
"1471.
"The caller withheld their number."
Or when someone rings you
and they're trying to give you a phone number
and you can never find a pen.
There's never a pen. There's always one pen never works. "I'll just...
"I'll just get a pen. Just hang on.
"Shit. Just get a pen. Pen, pen.
"Have you got a pen, love?
"The bloody pens I've had in this house!
"I don't want an eyeliner. I want a pen. I'm on the phone."
Down the side of the couch.
"Pound coin. That's mine, I'll tell you that."
You always end up with a little blue shitty lottery pen
that's about that big.
"Look at the pen I've got. Go on, sorry, I've got a pen now.
"Oh, Jesus."
Somebody's chewed through the end of it.
Somebody's bitten through the end of it, so now every time
you try and write, the nib goes up inside.
So now you've got to carve the number into the paper now.
3-0-7...
2-9...!
"I'm going to buy a box of pens and I'm going to put them
"on that pissing phone table, I tell you now."
LAUGHTER
# Can't go on
# Thinking nothing's wrong... #
Drive, by The Cars. Beautiful song.
They used this on Live Aid, do you remember?
They showed it over this harrowing footage
of these starving Ethiopians.
ONE PERSON CACKLES
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
HE MOUTHS
If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie.
Pork pie! Swear to God.
# Thinking nothing's wrong
# Oh, I... #
HE MOUTHS "PORK PIE"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I pledged money, me. Pork pie!
I pledged money.
LAUGHTER
I went round my grandma's flat.
I walked in, she said, "Guess who's dead."
LAUGHTER
"Guess who's dead." I've got to guess!
"Guess who's dead."
Where do you start with something like that?
"Guess who's dead. You'll never guess."
"Chuck me the phone book."
"Connie." "Who?"
"Connie!"
LAUGHTER
"Who's Connie?" "Connie! In the flat upstairs.
"I heard a thud during Bargain Hunt."
LAUGHTER
"I don't know who you mean." "Connie!"
"Who's Connie?" "Connie, Connie, Connie."
"Oh, well, now you've repeated it, bloody penny's dropped now."
"There were Connie, Pat and Teresa,
"and Joe - he had a beard, emigrated to Canada.
"Remember, he joined RAF? Big lad.
"His daughter, Donna, granddaughter, used to be at nursery with you.
"She ate crayons. She's in police now, she's a desk sergeant.
"She had a club foot. She had a kink in her leg when she walked.
LAUGHTER
"Used to work at Warburton's.
"Jimmy's in borstal. He knocked a nun down on Green Lane.
"In a three-wheeler.
"Kelly and Angela live over the dry cleaner's together.
"They're both... HE MUMBLES: ..lesbians."
LAUGHTER
She can't say lesbian, my nana - she'll burn if she says lesbian.
MUMBLES: "They're both lesbians."
LAUGHTER
"Connie, dead. Eh, I only saw her on Tuesday and all."
"And?"
"Well, she looked all right to me."
I said, "She got knocked down by a bloody bus.
"What do you want her to look like? That?"
LAUGHTER
"I saw her in Netto shopping." I said, "What do you want -
"Grim Reaper pushing a trolley behind her?"
"Come on, Connie, love. Get in.
"You don't need firelighters, not where you're going. Come on.
"Time's time. Come on.
"Come on, I've got a pound on this trolley.
"Get in the child seat, come on."
How camp's Grim Reaper?
"Let me tell you, come on.
"Hold my scythe, my wrists are aching, I tell you.
"Take my hood off. Is it hot in here or is it me?"
I love that. "Is it hot in here or is it me?"
"How is he?" "He's all right."
"But how is he in himself?"
LAUGHTER
"How is he in himself?"
What is he, a contortionist?
LAUGHTER
Playing out, remember playing out?
Playing in some sand that the council had left.
LAUGHTER
Or you've got them fly things.
Them fly things you used to hang on the front door. Remember them?
Those strips of plastic. Red and yellow and green and blue strips.
They never kept flies out. Used to keep flies in!
Used to maypole with them. You ever maypole with them?
In your mum's high heels? Like that?
I-I didn't. Right? Some lads did.
Let's just sort that out right now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Maypoling in them.
"Stop maypoling. They're not for maypoling on.
"They're for keeping flies out the house!"
"Ah, shut up, Mum."
High heels.
LAUGHTER
"Mum, I'm stuck."
LAUGHTER
"Mum, I'm s..."
"Dad, I'm stuck." "You're 19!
"You want to go out and get a job!"
LAUGHTER
MICHAEL JACKSON:
# You are not alone... #
MUSIC STOPS
LAUGHTER
Can't believe it, can you?
Know what I mean?
Should have been on here.
LAUGHTER
Apparently, according to Michael, your burgers are the best.
# I can hear your prayers
# Your burdens I will bear... #
HE MOUTHS "YOUR BURGERS
ARE THE BEST"
LAUGHTER
He must have had one of them burger vans.
You know they have at funfairs?
Doing steak Canadians and hot dogs.
Speaking of hot dogs...
CELINE DION: # Near
# Far
# Wherever you are... #
I believe the hot dogs go on.
# I believe that the heart does... #
HE MOUTHS "THE HOT DOGS..."
LAUGHTER
He's got a bit of rivalry, here, Michael.
LAUGHTER
Celine's peddling hot dogs.
She's on his patch.
LAUGHTER
A friend of mine had a phone call one afternoon.
She had all the family round.
"Hello? Hello?
"What'd you say?
"I can't hear, love. Can you just turn that television down?
"I'm on the phone here. What're you saying?
"Right down. I can't hear, love. Just hang on."
She took the phone outside. "What did you say?"
IN DEEP VOICE:
"How big are your tits?"
LAUGHTER
It were a dirty phone call, and she'd dragged him round the house.
"For the third and final time, how big...?
"I'm in a payphone here, love. I'm in a payphone here.
"There's a queue outside."
LAUGHTER
"Them's me pips. Me pips have gone."
"Me pips!" What are pips? What AREpips?!
Pip-pip-pip-pip!
"Pips have gone. My pips have gone, Mum!"
Then you talk quicker. You try and cram it all in after the pips.
HE SPEAKS HIGH-SPEED GIBBERISH
"Pips. Lost them. Pips went. Pips went!"
Why do mums buy crap pop?
LAUGHTER
Why do mums buy crap pop?!
Why?
Why do they buy it?
They go to the supermarket on Friday night, do the Friday big shop.
They come back...
Rola Cola.
LAUGHTER
Rola Cola.
Never Coca-Cola or Pepsi. Rola Cola.
Or Panda Cola, or Strike Cola or Freeway Cola.
Eight litres for 40p.
Crap pop. Shit pop you don't want.
"Get it drunk." "I'm not drinking it."
"Get it drunk." "I'm not drinking it, Mum!
"I wouldn't mop my drains out with this. It's crap."
"Get it drunk." "I'm not drinking it.
"It's horrible. It's too big an' all. It won't even go in the fridge.
"It's too big, look. It won't go in.
"Not only is it crap, it's warm as well!
"Warm crap pop.
"Got 18 litres of this shit here. We don't want any more.
"Stop bringing it home, will you?
"Stop bringing it home."
AS MUM: "It only cost 40p." "I know, but it tastes rotten.
"It's not cola, that. It's horrible."
MUM: "There's children starving in Ethiopia."
"Send it to them."
"They'll send it back. THEYwon't drink it. It's crap pop!"
Honestly, I'd had enough of banging my head like that. I went, "Mum!"
and I'm battering my mind, I said, "Mum,"
I said, "Drink it your ..'cking self!"
LAUGHTER
Woke up, casualty...
..on a drip filled with Rola Cola.
LAUGHTER
Bar of soap hanging out of my mouth.
APPLAUSE
Texting's bad.
Texting's the devil.
Takes over your life, texting.
I sit at night, me, with my phone on the arm of the couch,
looking every few seconds just to see if someone's texted me.
Going like that.
LAUGHTER
..'cking Billy No-Mates.
LAUGHTER
Beep-beep!
"Vodafone have new offers. If you would like..."
Oh, balls to your offers!
I want friends, that's what I want! Not offers!
And when you text, you text crap.
"What R U watching?
"What R U...
"R U watching?"
"Big Brother."
"So am I."
"I know. We're in the same room."
LAUGHTER
Send, send.
"What are you doing?" "I'm sending this."
I've got full signal. Send. I've got to get higher. Got to get higher.
Send.
LAUGHTER
Meanwhile, k.d. lang's singing about arseholes.
# All souls... #
HE MOUTHS "ARSEHOLES"
LAUGHTER
I don't waste my evenings.
LAUGHTER
# What do you get when you kiss a guy
# You get enough germs to catch pneumonia... #
After you do, he'll never bone ya!
I swear to God. Bone ya!
Bobbie Gentry. Filth. Listen.
# ..enough germs to catch pneumonia
# After you do he'll
never phone ya... #
HE MOUTHS "NEVER BONE YA"
LAUGHTER
Filth. I've sang that in the car with my mum, that.
LAUGHTER
A friend of mine won a trolley dash round Netto.
Seriously, a trolley dash. Run round, got to the checkout.
Trolley piled up here. They tilled it up.
11 quid.
LAUGHTER
You can't argue with them prices, can you, eh?
It's the only place I know where the carrier bags are dearer than beans.
LAUGHTER
And they're good carrier bags an' all. They are.
They're the kind of carrier bags that your mum uses
for to put all other carrier bags inside.
What's all that about?
"Mum, have you got a carrier bag?" "Just hang on.
"I've got a Next one here with good handles."
LAUGHTER
"Where is it?"
"Mum, we're going." "Wait."
"Mum, we're back."
LAUGHTER
"I want an ice lolly." AS MUM: "We'll make our own."
LAUGHTER
Get that ice cube tray from the top of the freezer.
"Come on, we'll make Rola Cola cubes."
Rola Cola cubes.
Mmm!
LAUGHTER
Made one out of bleach one year and almost killed my sister,
I remember that.
That were her own fault. No, because...
No, there's a reason, right.
No, because we had a sale outside in the front street.
You know when you have a sale, you used to put a blanket down in front,
like a duvet, and you have like a sale outside your house.
She tried selling my Stretch Armstrong for 38p, right?
I'd only had two stretches of it since Christmas.
He's out there with a price tag around his neck.
Magna Doodle. Look-in annuals.
Millennium Falcon. There were nowt wrong with that, right.
Evel Knievel were out there. They're all out, like.
Did you ever have a... And girls, girls used to make rose perfume.
Did you ever do that? Did you ever do that? Rose perfume.
LAUGHTER
Did you do that?
Get an empty bottle of Rola Cola, right, this is what you do.
LAUGHTER
Fill it up full of water, right.
And put rose petals in it.
And then sell it.
I bet Avon lady were shitting herself, weren't she?
LAUGHTER
Answer machines and old people.
That's not a good combination, I find.
Whenever my nan rings. BEEP.
"Hello, Pete. It's your nana.
"Hello. Hello, hello.
"Hello? I don't like these bloody things.
"Hello?"
LAUGHTER
"Peter. Don't think he's there. I can't hear him."
IN A DEEPER VOICE: "Let us in.
"Hellooo?
"Hello, it's your grandad."
LAUGHTER
"Helloooo...
"..it's your grandad."
LAUGHTER
"Don't think he's there, I can't hear him.
"Well, why's that back door open?
"Well, what are you defrosting?"
LAUGHTER
Ten minutes on your machine, these two having a conversation.
They just forget, walk off.
Our answering machine at home says,
"Please leave your name and number after the beep. BEEP."
"Hello, my name is Mum..."
LAUGHTER
"And my number..." Like you're not going to know your own mum!
I got my mum a cordless phone for her birthday.
And I keep saying,
"When we've had a conversation and you want to hang up,
"you've got to push the red button, right?"
AS MUM: "Do I not just put it back in its holster?"
"Its what? Holster?!
"It's a phone, not a gun, what are you on about?
"Push the red button because if you don't push it, you've not hung up.
"You're still on the line.
"And I can't make a call from our house because I can still hear you
"in the front room in your house talking to Pat about the menopause.
"And I can't..."
LAUGHTER
AS MUM: "Pat, I've tried...
"I've tried HRT, Pat. I've tried HRT. The thing about..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. MUM!
"I can hear every word!
"Push the red button.
"WOO, MU-U-U-UM!"
"Ssh, can you hear voices?"
LAUGHTER
"Can you hear that? Can you hear voices?
"That's the HRT, Pat! That's the HRT."
"It's not, it's us, the Borrowers. Put the phone down.
We're over here near the skirting boards.
LAUGHTER
I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's your mother.
LAUGHTER
Went to Connie's funeral just before Christmas. Really bad day, raining.
Fine rain, soaks you through.
LAUGHTER
Worst kind of rain, that fine rain. It's trying.
It's trying. It's trying.
HE STRAINS
It would if it could.
Can't make its mind up.
I didn't know what coat for to put on.
Raining.
Went to the cemetery, then went back to the pub
because they'd put a bit of a buffet on for Connie.
Not that she ate much. And there were...
There's always aunties and uncles there
that you haven't seen for years.
Not your proper aunties and uncles. Just frien...
And there's always an Uncle Knobhead.
There's always an Uncle Knobhead.
There's an Uncle Knobhead in everyone's family.
There's one in ours. I'll not tell you his name... Jack.
Sweep over. Smokes roll-ups. Yellow stained fingers.
Always setting fire to you when he's talking. Sss.
"Are you listening?" Sss, sss, sss.
"That's right, that's right. Are you ignoring me, eh?
"I'm with the wife. I'm with the enemy. That's right.
"I've just had a bypass. Touch and go, touch and go.
"My heart's on its arse."
PETER GIGGLES
Is it? Is that a medical term?
He came into the toilets, he went, "Whoo! Whoo!"
Are the police here?
"Whoo!
"Look at you, eh? Eh, you're shooting up, aren't you?"
"No, I'm having a piss, actually, if you don't mind."
LAUGHTER
"Eh, how old are you now?" "29."
"29! Whoo! Catching me up."
"No, you'll always have that 25 years' edge on me there."
"I remember you when you were down here."
"Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about that if you don't mind."
LAUGHTER
They're all sat round having some buffet.
This woman said... IN DEEP VOICE: "Oh... Oh...
"Oh..." Yes.
"Oh, did you see the rain today at cemetery?
"Raining? I've never known rain like it.
"But when they lowered that coffin of Connie's, did you see,
"did you notice?
"Clouds parted, and bloody sun shone.
"That were Connie! She were there.
"She did that. That were Connie."
I said, "What? That were weather."
"No, no, that were Connie! She were there.
"Isn't that right, Lena?"
"That's right. I tell you now -
"I lost my Billy five years ago.
"He loved..."
CLEARS THROAT
"He loved cheese and onion crisps. He loved them.
Cheese and onion crisps, cheese and onion crisps.
"He couldn't get enough of them.
"Quavers, he loved Quavers.
"Couldn't move for Quavers in our house.
"He loved Quavers, multipacks, Quavers.
"And when he died, and they lowered his coffin into the ground...
"..I swear on our Christine's eyes...
"Don't, please.
"..as they lowered the coffin, God is my witness...
"..an empty bag of Quavers blew across."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That were Billy! He were there.
APPLAUSE
Then you go back to school in September and you can't write.
"I can't write. What's the matter with me?
"I can't write!"
"I can't write."
Six weeks of Why Don't You? and your arm's frigged.
"I can't write."
LAUGHTER
"Cannot write. What's the matter with me?"
Teachers - "Come on, now..." In assembly. "Come on, now.
"Quiet, everybody. Come on, fingers on lips.
Ever do that at school? You can still talk.
Na-na-na-na...
"Fingers on lips, come on.
"You're not on your holidays any more."
There's that one lad with a Li-lo and trunks and a snorkel like that.
"What?! No-one told me. Bloody hell.
"I've got all my gear out here.
"Put that cream on, will you?"
Every time I think of it, I piss myself.
# Every time I think of it
I pinch myself... #
HE MOUTHS "I PISS MYSELF"
LAUGHTER
# You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in... #
Can I just tell you, I do my own choreography,
in case you're wondering.
LAUGHTER
I can't believe you kiss your cock at night.
# ..One of those guys who likes to shine his machine
# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
# I can't believe you kiss your car goodnight HE MOUTHS "COCK AT NIGHT"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it.
LAUGHTER
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE