[WOMAN HUMMING THE CARPENTERS' "WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN"]
[DOGS BARKING NEARBY]
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
[SINGING] We've only just begun
Before the rising sun
We've only just begun
Day by day
Together, together
Going together just the two of us
Ah.
[SIGHS]
[KISS' "I STOLE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING LOUDLY OVER SPEAKERS]
[GRUNTS]
No! What is that?
Aah! Come on, come on!
Come on.
I remember the day that we met
I needed someone You needed someone too
Shut up!
Stop it!
[GLASS AND CERAMIC BREAKING]
Shut up!
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh.
Kiss. The devil's music.
[BAND PLAYING KISS' "ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE"]
You say you wanna go for a spin
The party's just begun, we'll let you in
You drive us wild We'll drive you
Crazy
You keep on shouting You keep on shouting
I can't fucking hear you!
I wanna rock and roll all night
And party every day
You keep on shouting You keep on shouting
- What? - Give it to me, baby!
I wanna rock and roll all night
TRIP: Let's party!
And party every day
Have a party, what a rush
I wanna rock until I die!
[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
Thank you, Cleveland!
You've been a great crowd.
But after three and a half hours of some kick-ass rock 'n' roll...
...and seven encores on top of that...
...I'm sorry to say that, uh, we gotta get back to our hotel rooms...
...and fuck some groupies, so...
[ALL LAUGHING]
What are you doing, man? You put that...
You fucking asshole, man. That's my bass.
Just one more day of school...
...to get through, girls, before tomorrow night.
Come on, Detroit, Michigan.
- You wanted the best! ALL: You got the best!
The hottest band in the world!
Kiss!
[MIMICKING CROWD ROARING]
[CAR HORN HONKING]
Who is it?
Shit, man, it's Jam's mom.
- What? it's my mom? - Cover all this shit up, man.
Spray something. Smells like dope in here.
TRIP: Just like Jam's mom to ruin the fucking party.
HAWK: It smells in here, man.
[COUGHS]
Jeremiah, you get out here this instant.
- Hi, Mom. - Now!
- What's up? - The devil's body count, that's what's up.
Don't you know what Kiss stands for?
Knights In Satan's Service. Where is Karen Carpenter?
- How would I know? - Donny and Marie too?
Why would I have Donny and Marie?
Whoa, whoa. Unh!
I had a nightmare that bullshit like this might happen.
If he misses Peter Criss' drum solo...
...he won't be able to continue with his life.
Lex, quit jinxing us, man.
Nobody's missing that concert tomorrow night.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN 1: They're larger-than-life space-age comic book heroes...
...the most sensational phenomenon of the past decade.
Their fans are fanatical.
Each fan has a favorite, each one a fantasy.
[PEOPLE CHEERING AND SCREAMING]
Oh, my God.
MAN 2: The rock 'n' roll band Kiss is in town.
For some people, that spells trouble with a capital T.
I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.
MAN 3 [ON TV]: Kiss is hotter than hell.
WOMAN [ON TV]: The protesters are mainly religious groups.
Satan worship and drugs among our kids.
MAN 4 [ON TV]: Each 12-and-a-half-inch figure sold separately.
JAM: No!
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
[GRUNTS]
- Jam. JAM: Hawk?
Listen up. We're in a bit of a quandary right now.
[TRIP SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
They're fucking gone.
- What's gone, man? - What do you think, man? The Kiss tickets.
- Gone? - Please tell me you have them, man.
- Why would I have the Kiss tickets? - I don't know, man.
Just check whatever you were wearing last night.
Now, man!
[CHUCKLES]
I got them, man.
Heh. He's got them.
JAM: I must have taken Trip's jacket by mistake.
- I'm really sorry about that. HAWK: Oh, don't be such a wuss, Jam.
Are you grounded because of last night?
Oh, yeah, but, uh, has that ever stopped me before?
See you guys at school.
- Phew. - Poor Jam, man.
Imagine having to stash your Kiss records in Carly Simon album covers.
How shitty is that?
No question. Mrs. Bruce is a psycho bitch from hell.
You're one to talk, Lex. Your mom's a fucking dyke.
Just because she's a female gynecologist doesn't mean she's a lesbian.
And even if she was, at least my mom didn't give birth to me while she was on LSD.
Shrooms.
Will you guys quit the mom-bashing?
I mean, look. Look, Lex's mom is cool because she lets us spend the night.
If it wasn't for your mom, Trip...
...we wouldn't have smoked that fine Panama Red last night.
So leave the women who gave you life out of it. They're both cool in my book.
Let's go.
- Trip, you asshole. - What?
Man, you spilled the bong water all over the bed.
Stupid son of a...
Come on.
Oh, my...
Jeremiah, it's time to go. Get...
What are you doing?
Just, uh, whew, getting a little sunshine.
You're gonna be late if you don't hurry up and change.
Change?
What's, uh, wrong with the clothes I wore last night?
It's dirty laundry, for one thing.
And another, you still haven't tried on the clothes I bought you.
You're skating on thin ice already, young man, so I wouldn't push my luck.
Now, get out of those rags.
Mom, it's...
And besides, those jeans are so tight.
I can see your penis.
Excuse me.
This jacket, it stinks of BO.
It's enough to make a person sick.
Now, remember, I have my church meeting...
...so you'll be on the honor system tonight.
I'll be home a little after 1.
And if you've been partying or playing that satanic Kiss music...
...need I remind you of the consequences?
Uh...
Grounded for the rest of the year?
Oh, you are a smart boy, Jeremiah. Put these on before they go out of style.
Come on, take it.
Man, school. What a fucking waste of time, man.
I wish someone would tell these chicks that disco's dead!
Don't stare too long, boys. You'll go blind.
Yeah, right.
[CHUCKLING]
Stellas. I hate Stellas almost as much as I hate dogs, man.
Yeah, man. Same species when you think about it.
Shit, man. That geek looks like Jam.
HAWK: Man, that geek is Jam.
Hey, dork!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Heh. So who did your wardrobe? Tad the preppie sailboat captain?
Hey, man, my mom had me over a barrel, all right?
After last night, I had to let her dress me today.
- Give-and-take relationship. - She gives shit and you take it.
Hey, hand over the tickets. I wanna hold them.
The tickets?
- What? - Well, there's a, uh, little, little problem.
- They're still at my house in Trip's jacket. - What are you talking about?
She was standing over me when I was changing.
- You are so pathetic. - Man, that's some sick shit right there, man.
I mean, does she comb your ass hair for you too?
If she even smells those tickets, she'll destroy them.
We get fucked out of seeing Kiss for the third year.
It's gonna be okay. Don't worry about it.
They're at my house. They're perfectly safe.
We'll go there and pick them up. My mom's not even gonna be there.
Dudes, hours from now, we're actually gonna be seeing Kiss.
All right, we'll just double-time it to your house.
We'll grab the tickets, then we'll head to the train station for the 3:45...
- ...to Detroit Rock City! - Whoo!
God!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Well, as they say in the tampon biz, see you next period.
BOY: Jerk.
[BOTH GRUNT]
- Oh. - Heh. I'm sorry.
It's not a problem.
Thanks.
Fine.
- Hey, Beth. - Yes?
[GRUNTS]
- I'm so sorry. TEACHER: Mr. Bruce, Ms. Bumsteen...
...is there a problem?
Uh, no, there's no problem.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't worry about it.
- Jeremiah. - Yeah?
I wanted to tell you something.
What?
I know we don't, uh, know each other that well or anything, but...
- But what? - Um...
Today is gonna be the last time I can...
I'm mov...
MAN [OVER PA]: Jeremiah Bruce, please come to the office.
ALL: Ooh!
Jeremiah Bruce, come to the office immediately.
MRS. BRUCE: Give me that microphone. Jeremiah Bruce, this is your mother.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You are in big trouble, young man.
What I found in the pocket of that stinky, smelly jacket of yours...
...has me more than livid. You get your little fanny out of that seat...
...and you meet me in the front office.
How dare you do this to me.
How dare you humiliate me after I work so hard for you.
You take my hard-earned money...
...and you and your idiot friends spend it on Kiss tickets?
Kiss tickets!
Sit.
- Mom, you don't understand. - Oh, I understand perfectly.
And so will Father Phillip McNulty.
You're sending me to boarding school?
MRS. BRUCE: What else can I do?
Records, magazines, comic books, that's one thing.
But tickets. Tickets.
Do you realize what this means? That you are no longer content...
...merely hearing their awful music and looking at photos of their faces.
Now you wanna see the devil in the flesh. You wanna reach out and touch pure evil.
And in Detroit, no less.
It's been a long time coming, Jeremiah.
But you are finally going to get the kind of discipline that you deserve.
JAM: But, Mom, you... - Shut up.
[HAWK SIGHS]
I knew it. We're completely fucked.
For once, Lex is right. Can't get any worse from here.
MAN: I hope you rodents have hall passes.
Fuck, it's Elvis.
Could that be three detentions I smell?
All right. Second floor, girls' bathroom. He'll never find us there.
[ELVIS LAUGHING]
Fuck! Son of a bitch, man!
Take it easy, man. This is the girls' crapper, remember?
Oh, wake up, Lex. We just watched Jam's mom torch our fucking Kiss tickets, man.
Not REO Speedwagon, not Journey, not the Bay City Rollers.
Kiss, man. If you can think of a better reason...
...to trash a girls' bathroom, I'd sure like to hear it.
What the fuck are you doing?
- This is school. - So what?
[HAWK PANTING]
We're clear, dudes.
Let's go.
- Shit. A skirt, a skirt. LEX: Oh, shit.
Sherry Van Hafton.
Shit, I've had the hots for her since second grade.
[URINE TRICKLING]
[SHERRY FARTS] [ALL SNICKERING]
Man, I've never heard a girl blow ass before.
[FARTING CONTINUES] [ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL YELL]
[SHERRY SCREAMING]
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
TRIP: Get the fuck out of here, man! - Sorry.
God forbid someday you have a son like you, Jeremiah.
A boy who lies through his teeth...
...buys demonic records and smokes the dope.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[STUDENT GRUNTING]
[GLASS BREAKS]
MALE STUDENT: Sorry. Sorry.
[STATIC CRACKLING]
Anyone up for an enema?
- Shit, man. - Maybe some music will cheer us up.
RADIO HOST: This is Simple Simon on the rock of Detroit...
...home of the biggest Kiss giveaway in the history of the universe!
I got four front-row tickets along with four backstage passes...
...to the concert tonight at Cobo Hall.
And I'm giving them to the 106th caller who can tell me the real names...
- ...of each Kiss band member. - Oh, shit.
[STATIC CRACKLING]
Oh, no.
This is horseshit. It's too bad we're stuck in this prison.
I got it.
Mr. Verudi, get back to your bench.
Mr. Johansen, I gotta take a leak like you would not believe.
Put a clothespin on it till the end of class.
But, Mr. J, you know, ever since my doctor, he put me on these salt pills...
Salt pills?
Don't insult my intelligence, Verudi.
Oh, man, I'm taking a leak in my pants.
- Yes. - Get the hell out of here, Verudi.
You disgust me.
I need to be connected to the WURP contest line.
Now, lady, come on.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
TRIP: Oh, yeah, man!
[TRIP YELLING]
- I won! - What?
We... We won!
- We won! LEX: What?
We're going to Detroit, baby!
- We're going? - Yeah!
HAWK: Yeah!
TRIP: Man, this is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in school.
Not only are we on for Kiss in Detroit...
...but we're gonna be sitting front row center, man.
Guys, guys, our band Mystery is a quartet, right?
We can't go on the road without our drummer.
Jam's mom said something about taking him to St. Bernard's.
I say we go up there, bust him out of there.
Man, St. Bernard's is in the next county.
So? Your mom's car has a CB, radar detector, cruise control, check.
We're not stealing my mom's car. That's not happening.
- Damn right we are, man. - All I need is one ding on that Volvo...
...and I'm fucked when my mom gets back from Cincinnati.
She won't even know we touched it, Lex.
If one thing happens to the car, I'm blaming it on you.
- Say you drugged me or something. - I say we get out of here.
- Hold on. We're ditching school? TRIP: About time, if you ask me.
I'm just going through the motions till I'm old enough to drop out anyway.
Shit. Shit. Guys, Elvis alert.
I notice the trays match your outfits. Did you plan that?
Excuse me, ladies.
Ew! He stinks.
Hey. Hey, I'm responsible for that.
[YELLING]
[GRUNTS]
No!
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Pray hard, Jeremiah.
- God loves you. PRIEST: That he does.
God bless you, Father McNulty.
Jeremiah.
Now, if you think that recklessness and disobedience...
...can get you expelled, think again.
Now, St. Bernard's may punish you even for the slightest digression...
...but it'll never cast you out, even for the largest.
So here you are, Jeremiah. Here to stay.
Yeah, man, come on. Let's go bust him out, yeah.
No, man. We can't just waltz in there.
We gotta figure out a plan, man.
The eagle's landed, you guys.
You kids know where Phillip McNutly's office is?
- Uh, you ordered a pizza? - What's the damage, young man?
Ten even.
Oh.
[WHISPERING] if he offers you a slice, you're not the least bit hungry.
Ten dollars, and I'm donating your tip to the church.
- The Lord thanks you. - Tell the big guy not to mention it.
I am famished.
Well, I hope you brought a lunch for yourself.
Uh, no, but I'm not hungry anyway.
Oh, it finally speaks.
Well, there's one barrier we've broken through, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Mm. Mm. Oh.
Your coming here reminds me...
...of the gospel parable of the prodigal son.
Once, there was a man...
...and he had two sons.
And they both grew up on the farm with him.
Um, one day...
[MUMBLES]
[GRUNTING]
Ah.
[BURPS]
Oh.
That was a very stale mushroom.
Well, where was I?
Man, come on, this is such a lousy view.
How the hell are we ever supposed to know when he's lit?
It usually takes 10 minutes to half an hour.
All depends, you know?
[McNULTY LAUGHING]
He's lit.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
I've been telling that sermon for years.
This is the first time I've realized...
...it's the work of some comedy mastermind.
The prodigal son is a barrel of fucking monkeys.
Wait, wait, wait! You kids can't go in there.
No, no, no, it's okay. We're old buds of Father McNulty's.
How's it hanging, Padre?
Whoa, I just heard you talking through my nose.
Is it possible my nose has eardrums?
Nosedrums. Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah. We're here to take our friend Jam here...
...to the big satanic Kiss concert tonight if that's okay with you?
Satan? Satan? Santa.
Hey. Whoa, they're the same letters. They're the same guy.
It's the same frigging guy.
Hey, what the hell are you doing, Sister Gonorrhea?
Waiting for a bus? Ha-ha-ha.
[SHRIEKS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SINGING] You'll still get rowdy with the girls and boys
'Cause it's time for you To take a stand, yeah, yeah
Yeah, ooh
Shout it, shout it
Shout it out loud
Yeah You want a little party
Shout it, shout it
Shout it out loud
Whoa, dudes, man.
I just had the killerest vision, man.
Imagine Mystery opening up for Kiss, man.
- Oh, that'd be fucking it. TRIP: Yeah, man.
It could happen, man. it could happen.
You know, in '73, Kiss was opening for Blue Öyster Cult.
One year later to the day, man...
...Blue Öyster Cult was opening for Kiss.
We're not gonna be opening for anybody until our singer gets over his stage fright.
- God, man. TRIP: Ha, ha.
I don't have fucking stage fright, Lex.
Yeah, then why'd you pass out on-stage at Bing's party before the first song?
That was one show, man.
That was our only show, and you dropped like a dead deer on us.
TRIP & JAM: Ha-ha-ha. - Shut up.
[DAVID NAUGHTON'S "MAKIN' lT" PLAYING OVER RADIO]
ALL [SINGING]: I'm solid gold
I've got the goods
They stand when I walk Through the neighborhoods
I'm makin' it
I've got the chance I'm takin' it
No more, no more
Fakin' it
This time in life I'm makin' it
[HORN HONKING]
Makin' it
TRIP: Give me this pizza.
[LAUGHS]
LEX: Come on, it's the last piece, man. - Mine, all right?
[HORN HONKING]
Fuck, man. Only a car full of Stellas and Guidos...
...would ride your ass on a two-lane highway and honk.
Oh, man.
Listen everyone here
This coming year's gonna be my year
I'm as bad as they come
Number two to no one
I've got looks I've got brains
And I'm breakin' these chains
Throw that shit out before it stains the up... Man, get... Throw it out of the car, you asshole.
Come on, man.
I'm makin' it
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- Oh, fuck, man. - Oh, man.
Kenny, you asshole, you just killed a bird.
BOBBY: That's no bird. That's a hunk of fucking cheese, Kenny.
A hunk of fucking cheese?
We just pissed off the incredible Hulk...
...his idiot half-brother and his two circus clowns.
I'm gonna fucking kill these bastards. Know that?
Pull the fucking car over!
- I'm gonna fucking... Pull over. - No way, man.
- You're dead! - Suck my cock!
Maybe we should pull over and apologize.
This motherfucker's dead.
The paint.
Fuck.
Pull over.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- Out of the car. Let's go. - Oh, fuck.
- Oh, shit. God... Oh, God. - Kenny.
No!
- Oh, God. Oh, shit. CHRISTINE: Kenny.
HAWK: Shit. Shit. Oh, God. CHRISTINE: That's not funny, Kenny.
[HAWK GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
CHRISTINE: Kenny. HAWK: That's not very nice, man.
CHRISTINE: You're a complete asshole, Kenny.
[BOBBY LAUGHING] [KISS PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Oh, no.
Not the fag music. Get out of the way.
Kenny, would you cut it with the macho crap?
Whoa, whoa, this is about pizza, man.
Can we try and leave Kiss out of it?
What, a bunch of guys who make bad music...
...dress like freaks and wear more makeup than all my sisters combined?
No. These assholes gotta be stopped.
- That's it. I'm leaving. BARBARA: Oh!
Christine.
Jesus.
Christine. You googatz in the head or something?
We are on the side of the freaking highway.
- Fuck her. - Fuck her.
- Kool and the Gang, now, that's music. - Now, that's music.
- But this? This is crap. - That's crap.
[TRUCK HORN HONKING]
All right, fag-mo, have you learned your lesson yet, puke?
[BOBBY LAUGHING]
Well, if the lesson is that you're a dick with ears...
...and a really bad haircut, I'd say, yeah, I learned my lesson.
BOBBY: Break his fucking legs, Kenny. - Fucking...
[KENNY GRUNTING]
[TRIP LAUGHING]
Come on, we can talk about this, right? Heh.
You know, maybe reason a little bit.
[YELLS]
When these guys wake up, they'll come look for you.
You best hope they don't find you because if they do, they're gonna kick your asses.
Oh, yeah, Stella. And we'll deserve it too, won't we?
But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make it really worth their while.
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
[BARBARA SHRIEKS]
Oh, God!
[TRIP, HAWK, LEX & JAM CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
- Yeah! BARBARA: You freak!
- God! - Yeah!
BARBARA: Die, you fucking freak!
Thanks for letting us use your makeup.
You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse, you greasy disco ball.
HAWK: Let's go! - Very funny.
I hope you fucking choke to death and die...
- ...you loser-ass motherfuckers! - Disco sucks!
BARBARA: Fuck you!
Fuck! Fuck!
[BOBBY GROANS]
- Hey, they put the fag makeup on you. - I got the fag makeup on?
The fucking fag makeup's on you.
- Oh, no. I got fag makeup on me. - Oh, gee.
- Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah!
Hey, look, it's that girl.
Man, that's no girl. That's a Stella.
Yeah, well, Stella or no Stella, we should pull over and help her out.
CHRISTINE: Fucking inbred oaf.
Kenny, fuck him. Fuck you. Fucking kick your ass.
Man, what the hell is wrong with you?
You got a thing for that thing?
It's a teenage girl walking along the side of the highway.
I mean, they make scary movies that start out like that.
Hey, but they make porno movies that start out like that too, man.
Yeah.
Oh, great. Just hitched a ride with a bunch of potheads.
I'm trying to hook up with people at this place...
...in downtown Detroit called Disco inferno. You mind dropping me there?
What's it worth to you?
- What the hell is that supposed to mean? TRIP: Ha, ha.
It doesn't mean anything. Don't pay attention to him.
It's more like Disco's Infernal.
Oh, you hot baby, you.
You know, your clothes may say disco, but your eyes say rock 'n' roll.
Yeah? Well, your belt buckle may say rock 'n' roll...
...but your breath says pepperoni, baby.
[JAM CHUCKLES]
So are you gonna suck our dicks or what?
- What? - Trip, that's so fucking rude, man.
Fuck you, Jam. Stop being the wussy sensitive guy just to impress her, man.
She's obviously not gonna put out, man.
She's a tease, man.
A tease? What the hell did I do to tease you Mongoloids?
You got in the fucking car.
Oh, God, how calculating of me to lead you on like that after you offered me a ride.
Whatever, Stella.
CHRISTINE: My name's Christine.
Not Stella. You don't have to be pigs because I prefer Donna Summer...
...or KC and the Sunshine Band or the Village People over Kiss.
LEX: Oh, no. TRIP: Ha, ha.
Fucking Village People. Man, they're a fag band.
- They take it up the coat. - All right, all right, guys. All right.
You know, thanks, but I can take care of myself, germ.
- Jam. - Whatever.
Dope burnout, let's get one thing straight:
As far as I'm concerned, good tunes is good tunes.
Be it disco or rock or polka or whatever have you, regardless of the category.
I mean, disco is just easier to dance to.
You call that Deney Terrio, John Travolta shit dancing?
Hey, you know something?
Disco's so fucking big right now I wouldn't be surprised...
...if Kiss did a disco song someday. TRIP: What?
- Yeah. - If there's one thing Kiss will never do...
- ...it's a bullshit disco song. - No shit, man.
Yeah, man. Disco blows dogs for quarters, man. Heh.
That's an intelligently biting remark wrought with wit and irony.
If you don't like that one, you'll think it's funny...
...when we kick your fucking ass out of the car.
Why not put your money where your mouth is?
- Why don't you lick my hairy crack? TRIP: Ha-ha-ha.
Why don't you bend over? You're looking right at it.
TRIP [MOUTHS]: What?
That last remark fell about 30 yards away from making any sense whatsoever.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
You're right. "Bend over, you're looking right at it"?
What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?
[CHRISTINE & JAM LAUGHING]
Give me... Give me a hit off of that J, will you? That's some kick-ass shit.
[CHEERING]
TRIP: Kiss!
Move out of my way!
Lex, thank you for letting us borrow your mom's car, man.
Man, that weed knocked Christine on her ass.
She's sleeping like a baby Stella.
- Man, let's lift up her skirt. HAWK: There it is.
LEX: What? JAM: Holy fuck, we made it.
LEX: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Man.
MAN: Hey! LEX: I'm going into swarmo mode.
I'm going into swarmo mode. Oh, shit!
[SHOUTING AND CHEERING]
TRIP: I'm the King of the Night Time World!
Man, this is better than the first time I got to finger a chick, man.
- It's happening, man! - WURP!
JAM: This is so lucky. - We got two hours to spare.
HAWK: Check out that parking space, you guys. - Get in there.
HAWK: Ample time to go to the station and grab our tickets.
You know what, God is smiling down upon us tonight.
JAM: That's weird. I figured he'd be pissed as hell at me.
[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
TRIP: Yeah!
[ALL LAUGHING]
This is so awesome.
- Dude. - I cannot wait, man. I can't wait.
- Yeah. - Kiss!
ALL [CHANTING]: We're gonna go to Kiss!
LEX: Yeah! TRIP: Let's get out of here, man.
- Simple Simon? - Yeah, the one and only.
Hey, you kids are gonna have to hurry up.
- I'm due at Cobo Hall for the warm-up. - We're right behind you, Simon.
We wanna thank you for handing over those tickets to me and my buddies.
Your name isn't Trip, is it?
Oh, no. My name's Trip. Remember? We were talking on the phone?
RADIO HOST: Go, caller. TRIP: Eugene Klein...
...Stanley Eisen, Peter Criscuola, and Paul Frehley.
SIMON [ON RECORDING]: Youjust got yourself four tickets and four backstage passes to Kiss...
...live at Cobo Hall tonight! TRIP [ON RECORDING]: We won! Aah!
SIMON: Stay on the line so we can get your full name, information and...
[DIAL TONE]
Trip? Man, you didn't hang up on me, did you, Trip?
What kind of total moron would hang up after winning Kiss tickets?
Well, there you have it.
We had no choice. We had to give the tickets to the next caller. I'm sorry.
[HAWK SCREAMING]
- Whoa, whoa, hey, relax! HAWK: I hate you!
I'll kill you!
[ALL CHEERING]
This noise machine is more than just a quartet of lousy musicians.
Now there's a woman who totally abuses her privilege of motherhood.
- What is Kiss backwards? ALL: Sick!
Oh, shit. Guys, where's the Volvo?
- It was fucking stolen, man. - Christine stole it.
Asleep, my ass. Stella booted with your mom's wheels.
Son of a bitch, man. How could this happen?
- Heh, heh. - Why are you laughing?
I'm starting to get real mad. Jam, you ass.
Why'd you talk us into picking up this bitch?
- I'm sorry, man. I was trying to be nice... - I'm sick of your nice shit.
Drummers are supposed to have some fucking balls.
I was being conscientious. I didn't think she was gonna steal his mom's car.
Jam, just shut your faggoty-ass mouth, okay?
You're pissing me off.
Now, we came all this way...
...we got an hour and 45 minutes...
...and we got absolutely nothing.
And so help me, God, we are going to that concert.
We must get the cops in on this Volvo situation.
Lex, this is Detroit.
You think the cops are gonna waste city dollars on a Swedish car?
You're right. I mean, my mom's got insurance.
- Why am I freaking out? - Yeah.
It's cool. She's gonna try to ground me. I don't give a shit, man.
Exactly. Cool, bro.
Oh, shit! Man, I'm in big trouble.
I'm in big fucking trouble! The car's gone, man!
Shut the fuck up, man. We're trying to think.
Wait a second, man.
I know how we can get the fucking tickets, man.
We'll beat the fucking shit out of four little kids or something.
- Like, take their fucking tickets. HAWK: Brilliance, Trip.
Sheer fucking brilliance.
Why don't you give Albert Einstein here the fucking Nobel Prize?
[SIGHS]
Look, I think I can barter with a scalper.
If you guys can think of a better plan, go for it.
For the next hour and a half, it's every dude for himself.
We'll reconvene at that intersection at 8:45.
- I'll see you guys later. Good luck. - I don't know what the fuck we're doing.
WOMAN: Look around you tonight, mothers.
Look at all the young faces.
Oh, they smile and they laugh...
...but their eyes have lost all hope.
This satanic group Kiss has stolen their souls.
We...
Shit.
I do not know how you got here tonight, and I do not want to know.
All I know is you are going to pay dearly for this one, young man.
Oh, my God.
The mass, Father, so inspirational. Father, thank you.
- Thank you. Come again next week. - Father.
It's Jeremiah.
I'm desperate.
My son was about to defy God...
...by going to that blasphemous Kiss concert.
In that case, come right in.
He and his mom just went into that church.
Can I go and say goodbye to him?
Beth, I am not gonna let you wander the streets of Detroit after dark.
I'm not going to wander. I'm just gonna go over there.
- Fine. As long as we know where you are. - Thank you.
Don't be too long. We need to be getting back on the road.
- Stuart. - Just relax.
She's probably got a crush on the kid or something.
Hey, chief, need a ticket? Second row, center, but it's 75 clams.
Oh, man, this is all I got. Look.
Well, man, scare up the extra gravy, brother, take it easy.
Wait a minute, where am I supposed to find that kind of money in an hour, man?
Well, um, check it out over there. There's a little contest going on.
Take off your pants, shake your wee wee, get a hundred bucks.
I can't take off my clothes and go in there and dance like that, man.
I mean, that's embarrassing, man.
Check it out. The question you gotta ask yourself is how badly do you want to see...
...the greatest fucking rock 'n' roll show on the fucking Earth, right?
You're talking Gene and Paul live, y'all.
I'm talking about voluptuous women in the audience.
I'm talking big breastises in tight vestises, my friend.
You're talking people passing around joints.
You're talking about fucking Detroit Rock City, brother.
Shake your wee wee.
I got stage fright. And they're playing fucking disco over there.
Shit or get off the pot, rock star. You want to dance?
Or you wanna see Kiss on album covers for the rest of your life?
Mm.
Second row, center, brother. Go shake your wee wee.
- You're gonna have that ticket for me, right? - Oh, yeah, man.
You got my, uh... You got my solemn oath as a... As a public servant.
Go for it, brother.
All right.
See you around.
Hey, chief, you need a ticket? Seventy-five bucks, second row, center.
No, man, I'm gonna beat my ticket out of some poor defenseless chump.
You know what I mean?
- Yeah, whatever, reefer-head. - Yeah.
You fucking burnout.
[SIGHS]
[HOT CHOCOLATE'S "EVERY 1 'S A WINNER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
'Cause baby I believe that you're a star
Everyone's a winner, baby That's the truth
Making love to you is such a thrill
WOMAN 1: Whoo! Yeah! Take it off, honey! Whoo-hoo!
Everyone's a winner, baby That's no lie
You never fail to satisfy
WOMAN 2: Give me. HAWK: Ah! Ah!
Don't do that.
[CHEERING]
I need to sign up for the contest, please.
You're scrawny but thanks to the concert we're low on amateurs. Name?
- Hawk. - Pick a song, Hawk.
You got any Kiss?
Doubtful. Drink?
Yeah. A man's drink.
Oh, God.
What's this?
You've never seen a bourbon on the rocks before?
Oh.
Save your money, stud muffin.
Lady at the end of the bar sends her love.
Oh, shit.
Wow.
Cheers?
Aah! God!
[CHUCKLES]
It's gone bad.
[BOYS LAUGHING]
Hey, you little twerps.
Give me your Kiss tickets or I'll pop your faces in.
- But we don't have any Kiss tickets. - Yeah. Kiss sucks.
What? I ought to kick your asses for saying that.
Give me this instead. Now, scram. Get out of here.
[BOYS CRYING]
[CHUCKLES]
Cool.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
SIMON [ON RADIO]: Simple Simon coming at you.
It's 30 minutes and counting until Kiss hits the stage tonight...
...at Detroit's very own Cobo Hall.
But until then, here they are with "Shock Me."
Rock on, Ace!
[KISS' "SHOCK ME" PLAYING ON RADIO]
[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[PINBALL MACHINE BEEPING]
Hey, little kid.
- Shit. You just stumped my last ball... - Scream and I'll kick your head off.
Okay, booger, your Kiss ticket or your life.
Please, sir, don't beat me up.
I do have a Kiss ticket, but not on me.
Oh, likely story. Now, hand it over, punk.
No, really. My brother's hanging on to it for safekeeping.
Please, let me get him for you.
Hey, Chongo.
Look, little kid...
- ...I don't need to see Kiss that bad. - Don't try to run, you maggot.
Chongo's an all-state track star in every event.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Lookit, man...
- ...you can have my wallet, okay? - I was gonna take your wallet anyway...
...after Chongo and his friends crush your ribcage like a pack of Luckys, punk.
- This fairy giving you shit, bro? - He was gonna mug me for my Kiss tickets.
TRIP: That's nuts.
Heh. I said, "Hey, little kid, you know where I could take a piss?"
[CHUCKLING]
[TRIP GRUNTS THEN COUGHS]
Okay, pimple dick, you have the option of walking outside or getting dragged out.
Please, sir...
...don't kick my ass.
I'll do anything to get out of a beating.
Say, Chongo...
...perhaps we could use some extra cash for tasty snacks at the Kiss concert...
...our weaselly friend won't be attending.
[CHEERING]
Hey, move those lights over there.
MAN: Hey, you. - Man.
Hey, come back here!
Shit.
Come here.
All right, wise guy. You are so out of here.
Fuck. Hey, keep your paws to yourself, you dumb fucking ape.
Where'd he go? Did you see him?
MRS. BRUCE: It's been a while since my boy had holy confession.
- Could you please...? - Consider it done.
Oh.
It is about time that you gave up that stupid dream of yours once and for all.
No son of mine is gonna be a career musician...
...ever, ever, ever!
PRIEST: Madam, madam. - Shh.
We are in a cathedral.
- I'll walk you out. - Sorry. I'm sorry.
JAM: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
This is my first confession in a really long time.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
That was our Viking, Patrick Hirsch, and he's hung like a Norse.
Our next amateur has a name like a bird, and if you like birds, you'll like this:
- It's just a swallow. CROWD: Aw!
So put your hands together, make him feel at home...
...and please welcome Hawk.
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
Oh, shit.
No, no, no.
- No way, man. - You're not gonna chicken out now, are you?
You're right, Dicky.
You're right, man.
Shit. What am I saying? I gotta do this. It's for Kiss.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Ow.
[GROANING]
[CHEERING]
[YELLING]
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
[HAWK GROANING]
WOMAN: The stink.
Maestro.
[KISS' "STRUTTER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I know a thing or two about her
I know she'll only make you cry
Everybody says she's looking good
And the lady knows it's understood
Strutter
[CHEERING]
She wears her satins like a lady
She gets her way just like a child
You take her home and she says "Maybe, baby"
She takes you down and drives you wild
Everybody says she's looking good
Whoo!
And the lady knows it's understood
Take it off!
Strutter
Oh. Whoa.
[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
HAWK: Ow.
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
[YELLS]
MAN: Oh, man! Hey!
- Hey! - Man.
Come back, you little punk!
Move!
MAN: Hey!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
WOMAN 1: What are you doing? SECURITY GUARD: Move it!
WOMAN 2: Get off me, you bitch!
SECURITY GUARD: Get up. Come on, move it, sweetie.
WOMAN 3: Watch it, asshole.
Where is he? Where did he go this time?
- Two hundred bucks? - My time's precious.
That's a reasonable price to pay for your sorry life.
Hold on, man.
Look, I know how I can get the money.
I just figured it out, man.
Oh, yes.
But you might wanna wait outside.
- I don't trust him. - I think he's on the level.
He's too stupid to do anything sneaky anyway.
Look at him. He's a moron.
You got 15 minutes and not a second longer.
Are you sure that you don't wanna talk...
...about, uh, oh, carnal knowledge with a neighborhood girl?
Or how about finding a box of magazines, huh?
Under your dad's bed?
No.
Well, then I suggest you try to think of something...
...a little juicier to confess than losing Kiss tickets.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Shh.
Beth?
Shh.
Are you waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish.
I have a confession.
[BETH CLEARS THROAT]
- I didn't mean for that to be so, um, intense. - I can take it.
I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you.
I've just always been too scared to show it.
That's exactly the same way I've always felt about you.
- Jeremiah, really? - Really.
And call me Jam.
It's my band name.
Jam.
And now for our grand prize of $100...
Don't worry, ladies, I'm not competing.
If I did, you'd want your money back.
And the winner is:
[DRUM ROLL]
- Sir Loin! - Yes! Yes!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Hey, don't look so sad.
The night is young and filled with compensatory possibilities.
Oh, heh.
Oh, thanks for the drinks. That was really generous.
There's no reason for me to be around these parts anymore, you know.
I'm in a position to spend some money on you...
...if you'd get in a position and spend some time on me.
[SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[CASH REGISTER BELL DINGS]
I can't believe you're thinking of robbing this store.
You don't pass GO and collect $200 for pulling stuff like this.
No shit. Is this really worth it? I mean, sure, you're gonna get your ass kicked...
...nine ways to Sunday by that fucking gorilla...
...but, I mean, that's still a hundred times better...
...than getting it porked for the next three to five.
And what about that girl, Trip?
She'll never forget this night.
Even if you get away with it, she'll be scarred for life.
When are you gonna realize that sometimes being tough...
...means being tender?
All right, everybody, shut up!
[COUGHING]
Mm-hm.
Gonna have to do this sometime.
Might as well be now.
- Okay. - Evening, honey.
[GASPS]
You know what I am, what this is, and what you need to do, so let's do it quick.
Everybody else, kindly introduce yourselves to the floor and kiss it hello.
- Do it or die, bitch. - Please, mister, I'm just a high school kid.
- Aah! - Fuck school.
I just went through the motions till I was old enough to drop out.
And where's all that studying going to get you tonight?
Robbed at gunpoint and possibly shot in the fucking head.
[ROBBER LAUGHING]
Hey, scumbag, drop it, or I'll blow your head off.
Oh, yeah?
You and what army?
The Kiss Army.
[CHATTERING]
Oh, God, they're in there.
[LEX GRUNTS]
[LEX SCREAMS]
[WOMEN SCREAM]
- Oh, shit. - Come on.
[LAUGHING]
[DOGS GROWLING AND BARKING]
Oh, God. God, if you get me out of this...
...I swear I will never pull my pork again.
[CLERK WHIMPERING]
- Give me your gun, boy. - No. You give me your gun, boy.
I don't even think you have a gun.
Neither do I.
For the last time...
...take the piece out, lay back down, or your mom's gonna need Mr. Clean...
...to get the brains out of your ski cap.
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
- Aah! TRIP: Let go of it.
Let go.
[CLERK SCREAMS]
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
Thank you. Thank you.
Who are you?
Ah, they call me Dr. Love.
BETH: Is it true that Gene Simmons had a cow's tongue grafted onto his real tongue?
I think he, uh, had the piece of skin...
...under his tongue removed so he could stick it out farther.
I was gonna send you this, but...
JAM: Ann Arbor? BETH: Yeah.
My dad's company is relocating him.
That's why I was acting so freaky at school today.
I thought it'd be the last time I'd ever get to see you.
[JAM CHUCKLES]
Oh, fuck.
You'd better have something really sinful for me this time, son.
All right, Father, here it is.
I feel a little ashamed talking to you about this, but I went to my cousin's wedding.
And one of the bridesmaids asked me if I wanted to take a bath.
This is terrible.
This girl was a total fox.
So I finally gave in to temptation about a block away from the wedding reception...
...at this little motel that charges by the hour.
When she peeled off that gown...
...you are not gonna believe what she was wearing underneath.
Was it a teddy?
- Oh, no. - A bustier?
- Uh-uh. - Satin underwear?
Crotchless panties?
Leopard-skin bra?
Fishnet leotard?
A leather G-string?
[BARKING]
All right, guys, here. You want a sandwich? Come on. Go. Go!
Okay, fuck it, man. I just... l give up.
[GROWLING]
Oh, God, man, what now? Wolves?
[WHIMPERS]
All right.
[BARKING]
So I jump in the car. I hot-wire it in, like, 30 seconds. I start driving.
Suddenly, I hear this scream. The disco queen was asleep...
...in the backseat the whole time.
[MAN 1 LAUGHS]
- What are we gonna do with her anyway? - I don't know, but she looks like fun.
MAN 2: Yeah.
[MEN LAUGHING]
- Hey, hey, take it easy. - Aah! God.
You don't wanna get any whiskey dick around here now.
Of course, you don't have to worry about that, do you, woody?
Ooh. Aah!
Oh, shit! Oh, wow.
I see you've met premature Peter. Heh, heh.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
It's been, uh, quite a night.
So far, you've seen me and my dick throw up.
Hey, I'm sure there's more where that came from, right?
Now, come here.
[THUDDING]
HAWK: Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Better kill me before you do what you're thinking about...
...doing to me, because when I get angry, I can bite down very hard.
Sweet Polly Purebred's got some spunk, huh?
- I'll give her some spunk, all right. - We stripped that Beemer in 15 minutes.
I'd say we could strip her in 15 seconds.
[LAUGHING]
Hey. Now, wait a minute, guys. Come on, two on one ain't fair.
Why don't you let me get my friend Barbara?
I'm telling you, you'd love her. Tits the size of your head.
You'll feel like a little baby sucking on them. You guys like disco?
I teach disco dancing back at my church.
You look like you got a rhythm in your blood.
Free lessons if you let me go.
Oh, I know a dance we could do.
The horizontal hustle.
[MAN 1 LAUGHS THEN GARAGE DOOR OPENS]
Hey, peanut turds.
I'm here for the girl and the car.
You can try to stop me, but you're not gonna like what happens if you do.
It's too bad. He was such a young idiot.
Hey, he's a stupid boy.
He deserves to fucking die.
[WHISTLES]
[GROWLING]
Tear these grease monkeys a new asshole.
[DOGS BARKING]
One step out of that office, and your asses are Alpo.
I always come prepared.
Oh, wow, Lex. You're the coolest.
I believe you were promised a ride to Disco Inferno.
Let me escort you to the car.
Hey, what about the fucking dogs?
- You got a phone in there, man? - Yes.
Call the cops.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Beth, I feel like such an idiot.
Why didn't I just say something a year and a half ago?
Don't think about the past.
Let's just think about from today on.
I'll never forget you, Jam.
- Church will never be the same. - Heh.
Yeah.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
BETH'S DAD: Goddamn it, Beth.
Yeah, I'm coming, Dad.
Well...
So, um, I'll call you...
...as soon as we get a phone.
- All right. - Yeah.
Bye.
- I hope this helps. - No, no. You know what?
Strange as it may seem, I don't think I can take the money.
It's just... it'll cheapen the whole experience.
I ain't no midnight cowboy or anything like that.
[LAUGHS]
I'm not paying you for the lovemaking.
I want you to have this for whatever it was you needed it for when I made the offer.
Thanks. Yeah.
Was there any money taken?
Nope. But it is Smiley Mart's policy to hand over a cash reward...
...of a hundred and fifty dollars to anyone who stops a robbery.
I gave him the money and he took off.
Yeah, okay. Uh...
Thanks. Hey, you see this guy again, you give us a call, all right?
We wanna ask him a few questions.
If I see Dr. Love again anytime soon...
...you're gonna have to wait till I'm done with him first.
TRIP: One-thirty...
...140 and 150.
That's all I got, man.
Tsk, tsk. tsk.
I really wanted things to work out for you, my weaselly, dimwitted friend.
You got spunk. Chongo.
[STAMMERING]
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
At least I still got you, Stretch.
[LAUGHING]
I took his head off.
[TRIP GRUNTS THEN BOYS LAUGH]
[GROANING]
Kiss? How dare they call themselves Kiss.
Kiss is about love.
They are teaching our children lust, betrayal, and hate.
- We, as parents are obligated... JAM: How's it going, Mom?
- Jeremiah. - I'm gonna ask you this nicely first.
Can I have my drumsticks back?
Your drumsticks are the least of your worries, young man.
You ran out on God.
My son just ran out on God.
- You are in a world of... - Trouble? Ha-ha-ha!
I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours. Hello?
I'm gonna be in St. Bernard's boarding school...
- ...for the next two years of my life. - Yes.
I'm gonna be out of your hair until I am a legal adult.
- Yes! - All you have to do is go to church...
...light a candle, and pray to some stupid statue...
...and all is forgiven and forgotten, right?
Then you can spend your days in a guilt-free pursuit...
...of more constructive activities...
...like telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are.
Then you no longer need the patience and understanding required...
...in order to talk to your own son on some normal plane.
And that way, you don't even need to think about how tough it was for you...
...when you were growing up, probably a good thing too...
...because if you did, you'd realize what a lousy...
...goddamn, shitty-ass parent you are.
[ALL GASP]
Jeremiah...
...what has gotten into you?
I just lost my virginity in a confessional booth!
Lord have mercy!
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness. - Now, for the last time...
...Mom, give me back my fucking drumsticks.
Please.
Cute.
They grow up fast, don't they?
Hey, dude. Dude, I got the cash, man. Check it out.
No!
No, that can't be the last ticket!
God! No, no, no!
You fucking bastard!
Oh.
Any luck?
Yeah, man, plenty, heh. But it was all bad, man.
I found the Volvo.
Oh, yeah?
- Tickets? - No.
JAM: Wait a second. I know how we can get in.
I say that we all beat the shit out of each other, right?
We go to the ticket taker...
...and we say that we got mugged and our tickets were stolen.
I mean, they have to let us in then, right? They have to.
Why not?
[GRUNTING]
[CHATTERING]
MAN: Okay, thanks, man. - Go.
HAWK: No! No! God!
Oh, man, you gotta let us in.
Four muggers just stole our tickets.
Heh. You expect me to believe that?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look at us.
Hey, it was those assholes right there! They stole our tickets! Number 13!
Hey, stop those guys.
[MOUTHS INDISTINCTLY]
BOY: No.
MAN: They got tickets. - Let's see. Come here.
They even stole my wallet, man.
I've never even seen these assholes before.
In there, you'll find my Kiss Army picture lD...
...and a hundred fifty bucks cash.
- Out of here. Come on. - Damn.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
My midget weaselly friend.
I was really hoping things could work out for you, you know?
You got spunk.
- Go. - I got it, man.
We're going.
[PEOPLE CHEERING NEARBY]
Okay, then.
[CHEERING]
ALL [CHANTING]: We want Kiss! We want Kiss!
We want Kiss!
This is it.
[ALL SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: You wanted the best, and you got the best!
The hottest band in the world, Kiss!
[PLAYING "DETROIT ROCK CITY"]
[CHEERING]
I feel uptight on a Saturday night
MAN: Oh, shit!
Nine o'clock The radio's the only light
I hear my song and it pulls me through
It comes on strong Tells me what I got to do
- I got to - Get up
Everybody's gonna move their feet
Get down Everybody's gonna leave their seat
You gotta lose your mind in Detroit Rock City
Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet
Get down Everybody's gonna leave their seat
[CHEERING]
Movin' fast Doin' ninety five
I hit top speed Still movin' much too slow
I feel so good I'm so alive
I hear my song playin' on the radio
And it goes
Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet
Yeah!
TRIP: Oh, my God!
Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet
[CHEERING]
[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]
- But we don't have any Kiss tickets. - Yeah. Kiss sucks!