you're going to come across some
conversational bullies in the course of
your life
now generally people try to shut them
down with insults and aggression and
some others prefer to walk away from
these interactions to avoid that kind of
negativity but there is a third
potentially more effective way to deal
with these toxic people Russell Brand
for instance tries to take control of
the conversation instead of shutting it
down this allows him to stand up for
himself without coming across like a
jerk and his interview with three hosts
of the MSNBC Morning Show is a perfect
example of the main strategies that you
can use to dominate any bully in any
conversation so let's begin by quickly
covering the best practices for any
group interaction then we'll come to
what to do when things go sour one
general rule of thumb is that you want
to make sure you don't leap into
conversation only to be cut off
otherwise people will subconsciously
believe that your opinions aren't worthy
of being heard and you can actually get
pushed around more so when you begin
talking it's usually best to continue to
the end of your sentence like this you
don't have to dominate the conversation
or refuse to be interrupted during long
monologues but you do need to speak with
enough momentum to at least finish each
sentence before yielding the floor to
someone trying to interrupt you this is
going to lead to people being far more
likely to listen when you share your
opinions and you can contrast the
feeling that you get from watching
Russell do this with the young Jane
Smith who does not it's not that Jaden's
thoughts don't have any merit it's that
he hadn't yet learned to speak with
enough conviction to be taken seriously
by at least finishing your sentences you
encourage others to respect you more now
the next principle that is extremely
valuable in any group setting is to
treat each member of a group as an
individual obviously a concrete way to
do this is by referring to each person
by their name Brian you are free to wear
whatever you want best you focus on your
drive
thank you very much cat I admit this can
feel awkward at first if you're not used
to it but it actually has a very
positive effect on the person who is
hearing their favorite word in the
English language but even if you don't
know people's names you can show that
you value each individual by taking time
to look at each person while you speak
especially if someone is quiet or shy
taking those three seconds to make eye
contact with them while you speak goes a
long way towards making them feel
included in fact if you're finding that
you lose groups attention when telling a
story or a joke this is one of the
quickest fixes give each individual a
few seconds of your focus attention to
keep them hooked now lastly we like
people who are like us and who like us
back so when you're in a group it always
helps to emphasize similarities with
other members and to give genuine
compliments you also look beautiful of
course in your wonderful country and in
our country seems to be the trouble
you've seen Russell did everything I
mentioned but sometimes conversations
turn hostile despite your best efforts
so I want to show you how to disarm
people who become aggressive in a way
that is both subtle and charismatic way
before you actually have to get direct
with him the first thing to realize here
is that perhaps the most powerful tools
that you have to influence the tone of a
conversation are your nonverbal signals
now these can be grouped roughly into
more signals and less signals when you
show these more signals you'll get more
of whatever you're responding to show
less signals and you will get less for
example watch how Russell gets mica to
switch from being rude and
passive-aggressive to complimenting him
in an effort to win him over
you look that is a very kind compliment
first we have that calm stare in the eye
with neither malice nor a smile this is
gonna make anyone who is being rude feel
uncomfortable doing so it's like they're
being watched
second not paying attention to that
person will also make them change their
tact
you see Russell's attention wander and
it immediately makes the host feel that
they need to do more to be kind in order
to win him back and third the prolonged
silence this is one of the most powerful
nonverbal tool
at your disposal when people are unkind
you may feel an impulse to quickly speak
or to smile so as to defuse the
situation or cut that uncomfortable
tension but Russell doesn't he waits
until Mika complements him and then
speaks up quickly show a little more
chest hair that is a very kind
compliment now that she's gone through
that bit of rudeness and has returned to
being kind he gives strong more signals
this is going to work in a one-two punch
where he says don't do this but do this
and see if you can spot these more
signals you also look beautiful Bryan
you are free to wear whatever you want
this is one of your freedoms that is
afforded to you first
Russell verbally applauds what Mika says
now calling out any sort of behavior
that you appreciate is going to elicit
more of it then he returns her
compliment and finally he becomes
playful and smiles now of course all of
this is on top of the fact that he's
engaging in a much more enthusiastic way
this dispels that tension that was
mounting and strongly associated with a
more polite way of behaving people do
not like tension and conversations so
don't get rid of it while they're being
mean wait till they are kind all of this
is a strong more behavior signal that
adds up to a nonverbal statement about
what kind of behavior he expects
throughout this conversation now he
continues to send these signals paying
much more attention to Mika who is being
more courteous than to the other host
Brian who is continuing to be rude in
fact Brian starts to make a comment that
he later finishes about how we can't
understand Russell's accent and
suspecting that that guy is headed in a
bad direction
Russell flat-out ignores him this is a
great strategy it's funny though because
I travel a lot
quietly this effectively makes Brian's
next question much more courteous and we
see Russell respond positively everyone
asks what do you like better TV movies
or stand-up what's actually which one's
more difficult I mean going on stage I
think it's probably pretty tough movie
can be boring to just shoot a thing a
hundred times TV is what it is the thing
I enjoy most is stand-up comedy you can
do the same thing in group conversations
if someone's being insulting
passive-aggressive rude pay attention to
other members of the group turn so that
your body faces those people smile be
warm engaging even loud with them it
shouldn't take very long before that
rude person
says something more kind at which point
you can shift attention their way now
one final indirect option is to do a
those types call out now this is where
you speak about a type of behavior that
you don't like perhaps a type of
behavior that someone in that group is
currently doing but you allow that
individual to save face by not calling
them out directly instead it's about
those types of people do this with a
smile to remind the person that you're
still on the same team they don't have
to be the type of person you're
describing and you're not yet saying
they are watch how Russell does this in
his answer you know what happens if you
work immediate people like to change the
information so that it suits a
particular agenda if you're in a room of
people then what you're saying is clear
if you say something that people that
people are confused about you can
explain it to them then if you say
something because a joke people can't
pretend that you're saying it seriously
so I like having direct communication
with people because I believe people are
very very intelligent well the
information gets manipulated a lot of
people like to of course like you know
fake stirs and stuff that those type
strategy is a sneaky way to influence
the tone of any sort of conversation
imagine being at a networking event and
complimenting one group on their
enthusiasm talking about those other
types who are a little bit dull and
boring you can bet that that group's
energy will rise to meet that stellar
reputation you've given them and not be
like those other people
now unfortunately these signals do go
unheeded in Russell's case as they
rarely but sometimes do in real life the
hosts continue to be rude
Brian abruptly says that he can't
understand Russell's accent
you know when I see him in person it's
totally fine
forgetting sarah marshall or the TV show
it's fine but on satellite radio in the
car I can't understand a single joke you
can't understand it another host forgets
his name would you do therapy with him
is where Willie is heading who is really
and they all start speaking about
Russell in the third person like he's
not present experience it's just sort of
taking it all in you are talking about
Izzy I'm not here yet and as if I'm an
extraterrestrial we're just sort of
admiring the whole you know it's the
whole thing is after nonverbal and then
the indirect those type warnings
sometimes you have to go direct and
flat-out say what behavior you would
like to see done differently say when a
person is present you should refer to
the person and then let's face it good
manners it's where Willie is heading now
a lot of people mess this up and just
make things get even more hostile the
key here is to criticize specific
behavior not the people doing it when
you say that someone is a jerk it's
likely to make them defensive and
doesn't specify how you would like them
to change when you say instead don't
call me by that name or don't speak to
me in such a loud tone you'll be much
more likely to get what you want now
admittedly what Russell does here is
hard staying calm enough to keep steady
eye contact not getting riled up when
people take an antagonizing tone
maintaining that sense of humor through
all of this most of us would probably
just sweat in either under react or
overreact so I want to share just one
last mindset that takes a while to
develop but will help a ton you need to
learn to detach your ego from personal
attacks
watch how brand is able to take a
personal criticism namely that he isn't
qualified to speak on a particular topic
and brush it off as disconnected from
the points that he's making I'm just
asking you why would you take you
seriously when you're so unspecific
firstly I don't mind if you take me
seriously I'm here just to draw
attention to a few ideas and here look
how brand is able to see that something
is offensive without necessarily feeling
personally offended or getting defensive
about it I want to bring you a sign
first of all this is fact pimp brand
absolutely make yourself comfy mate now
this of course is clearly offensive as
an object unlike most of us Russell
doesn't feel the need to immediately
defend himself from personal attacks
because he isn't heavily invested in
what most people think of him he wastes
no mental energy on protecting his ego
which allows him to be whittier in the
face of criticism paradoxically not
defending himself actually makes him
come across better than if he did the
price now I'll actually be talking about
all the different tools that you can use
for humor including how to develop more
of the speedy wit in a future video
which is going to continue to break this
clip down yes there is a ton happening
in seven minutes but I will likely be
out next month since we have some big
videos planned in the meantime Keanu
Reeves Tom Holland potentially Andrew
yang so if you want to make sure that
you don't miss on that video or any of
the other ones that I've just mentioned
make sure to hit subscribe and to turn
on notifications now that way you're
gonna get a message when those come up
and it won't be something that you never
hear of again anyway one of the things
that will allow you to begin to detach
your ego from any sort of particular
attack is a deeper sense of
self-acceptance
if you feel comfortable with yourself
with who you are at a base level what
other people think or say is much less
likely to faze you and rile you up when
you have solid self-acceptance all of
your self-worth doesn't come from being
praised or well-liked it comes from a
belief that you are enough no matter the
opinions of others now this is quite
frankly a long journey one that takes
time to integrate but if you would like
to get started today I have created a
guided meditation that is focused on
developing that deep sense of
self-acceptance and you can get it today
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simple habit simple habit is a
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joy positivity since those things can be
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be very achievement oriented always
focusing on what needs to be done and
not enjoying the moment I also actually
spent a lot of time on my own doing self
guided meditations without any sort of
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wanted and I put it on the simple habit
app so if you join simple habit at
simple habit calm / confidence on your
phone you can listen to that guided
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so if you'd like to check out the guided
meditation that I create or any of the
others there's nothing to lose you can
check that acceptance meditation out at
simple habit calm / confidence on your
phone since it is an app either way I
hope that you have enjoyed this video
and I very much look forward to seeing
you in the next one