Um...
[sighs]
I've been thinking a lot,
especially the last few months,
about this-
this book I read in college.
It's this story about a boy.
He's the reclusive son of this disgraced noble family,
and buys a turtle.
But he thinks that the- the turtle's shell is too plain,
so he has it covered with jewels,
diamonds, sapphires, rubies.
And it's- and it's beautiful,
but the weight of the turtle's shell is so heavy
that it- it kills the turtle...
crushed under the weight of the ornamentation.
And it's not the turtle's fault.
Anyways...
?
? I am the very model of a modern Major-General ?
? I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, ?
? I know the kings of England ?
? and I quote the fights historical ?
? From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical ?
? I'm very well acquainted too, with matters mathematical, ?
? I understand equations both the simple and quadratical, ?
? About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news ?
? Hmm.
? With many cheerful facts
? about the square of the hypotenuse ?
? With many cheerful facts
? about the square of the hypotenuse ?
? With many cheerful facts
? about the square of the hypotenuse ?
? With many cheerful facts
? about the square of the hypotenuse ?
? I'm very good at integral and differential calculus ?
? I know the scientific names of beings animalculous ?
? In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral ?
? I am the very model of a modern Major-General. ?
? I know our mythic history King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's ?
? I answer hard acrostics, (stumbling over words) ?
? I've a pretty taste for paradox-- ?
Aw.
[laughs]
[song continues]
I don't even know why you bother, Charles.
You haven't won in fifteen years.
That's the Blackworth boy again, isn't it?
-Well, uh-- -I thought you
were gonna try a self-portrait this time, Charlie.
?
Bye, mom. Love you.
Oh, wait a minute.
Come here, birthday boy.
Mmmm.
Okay, I gotta go.
?
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
-so help you, Mary? -No.
Good. Ursula, the witness is yours.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The victim was so very young.
So full...
of promise.
Talented painter, loving friend.
Never really had a boyfriend,
but he did have a Jewish stomach that gave him a lot of problems.
We lost a lot of good men to IBS.
[chuckles] Thanks, guys.
Poor Charlie's early twenties, gone too soon.
Well, that's alright, Ursula.
We can't all be twenty-three forever.
Ooooh. [laughs]
Yeah how many twenty-third birthdays is that now, Urs?
This many.
Alright, order, order, order-
Wyatt, what are you wearing?
-Yeah, what is this? -I said formal attire.
I came directly from work,
so I could make your precious banner.
-Oh. (Ursula) Almost, Wyatt.
Okay, great. Let's eat.
[grunts] Nah--
Oh, Carmen.
Has the jury come to a verdict?
I have to iron your shirt.
Oh my God, thank you.
I would love to present the defense.
-Yeah. -Mmm.
I think I've heard everything I need to hear.
Sorry, London.
[clears throat]
The judge and jury find the defendant,
Charles Kinberg...
[trumpet fanfare]
guilty!
[cheers/ad-libs]
Of murder in the first degree!
Twenty-six lashings!
Lash him!
Wait, no!
What?
After reviewing the case,
I hereby sentence Mister Kinberg
to reside here with me indefinitely.
What? Are we still playing the game?
You're my best friend, Charles, and I need you.
I mean, I'm- I'm here all the time anyway.
[whispers] Please.
I'll think about it.
If you come out tonight.
[sighs]
[growls]
Don't do it.
You're just gonna be torturing yourself.
What?
(Ursala) Wait. Oh my goodness.
Nothing's ever happened between you two before.
Why would it now?
If you let go of me, I will kill you.
Who's that?
-Hold your breath! -Just wait!
[song playing]
I love this song.
[groans] Other people.
Hey, there.
Hello, there.
Hot.
Come on, don't worry.
Let's have fun.
[piano playing/singing]
[applause]
Excuse me.
Piano man.
Tim.
Sure.
For my best friend's birthday, I would like you to play
Modern Major General from Pirates of Penzance,
please, and kick it up three half steps.
I'd really like to show off my midrange.
I'm sorry, man, I don't know it.
Okay.
[laughs]
I'm gonna go get a drink.
(Ursula) I'm coming.
(London) Me, too.
Hey.
Tim, was it? Right?
-Cool, I'll just-- -Where are you going?
You're very handsome.
[laughs]
You can't just say that to somebody.
No?
-No, I mean-- -Thank you?
So what's your move?
My move?
To talk to a boy you like.
[hoots]
Uh...
Well, I- I pine from afar.
Yeah, I'm a piner.
You're hiding something.
What?
Trust me.
Nothing gets by me.
Give me your hands.
You just are very forward. [chuckles]
[sighs]
Oh, I was painting.
You used to play the piano.
Yes.
How did you know that?
I can always tell.
[clears throat] Whiskey, please. Straight up.
(Bartender) Get out of my bar,Blackworth.
Whoa.
What is your problem?
We don't serve criminals here.
Excuse me?
Forty?
Lower.
[laughs]
What's going on here?
Trying to score some downtown pianist?
Charlie Kinberg, is this humus even kosher?
(Charlie) Sebastian.
Kosher?
(Sebastian) Come on, let's get outta here.
Now?
Yeah, I'm over it. Let's go.
-Um, I guess I should-- -Stay?
And sing?
(Sebastian) Come on, Charlemagne.
Your chariot awaits.
(Charlie) How did he know I played piano?
Name one little gay boy that hasn't taken piano lessons.
-Oh, come on. -Seriously.
He looked at my fingertips and he said that I --
(Reporter) Hey, Mister Blackworth.
What are you doin' out tonight, huh? Huh?
Go.
(Wyatt) Come on, man. Leave him alone.
(Reporter) Whose money are you spending, Sebastian?
Hey, Sebastian--
I hope your father rots in jail forever!
Time to go home.
Go home.
Come on. Guys, Leave him alone!
I said leave him alone.
Stop!
Open up!
Hey! Hey, Sebastian!
You knew about the transfers, didn't you?
Ah--
Hey, Sebastian. Come on.
(Charlie) You okay?
Never again.
[horn blowing]
(Rabbi) These are our high holy days.
It is at this time of year that we reflect on all that has been
and think of that which we can do in the new year.
Please be seated.
[cell phone vibrating]
[whispers] Who's calling you during Rosh Hashanah services?
Remember your love for us,
the covenant you made with Abraham on Mount Moriah.
[whispers] Sebastian.
Oh, poor thing.
I still can't believe his father.
You know, I never did like Dick.
[snickers]
[laughs]
Oh, stop.
[laughs]
Oh God.
[laughs]
After our closing benediction...
Mint?
[laughs]
...the cantor and I will lead the congregation
to walk to the East River
where there, together, we will symbolically
discard our sins into the moving waters-.
[whispers] So how is he?
I just worry about him when he's alone.
There, in the ceremony of Tashlich,
we have the opportunity...
He asked me to move in with him.
[normal voice] Are you crazy?
Shh.
[whispers] You have got to move past this.
This is not healthy.
We turn now to page one hundred and twenty...
There, I've said it.
for Avenu Malekeinu.
Would you please rise.
We offer ourselves anew.
[sings in Hebrew] ? Avenu malkeinu sh'ma kolenu.
[whispers] I love this part.
? Avenu malkeinu chatanu l'faneycha. ?
[cell phone vibrates]
[sighs]
[whispers] I'm sorry.
What?
Where is he?
Is he okay?
Please tell me he's not on the roof.
He locked himself in the bathroom.
Oh, Charlie.
Thank God.
My shift started a half hour ago.
I have to get downtown to the restaurant.
-How long has he been in there? - Charlie?
[clears throat]
Sorry, I was fixing the sink.
Yeah, and a drink?
Yeah, well,
Mother took all the Xanax with her to Jackson Hole last month.
[sniffles]
Wyatt, you want to be a dear and get me some more whiskey?
[sighs]
Apparently, he tied some sheets together.
[sighs]
Although, knowing my father's delusions of grandeur,
it was probably just some Great Escape {end-italic}plan.
You know, scale the prison walls.
Uh, he's on suicide watch.
[scoffs]
I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.
Where's Carmen?
She's gone.
I had to um...
[sighs]
There's no money, so...
[sniffles]
I'm sorry, I know that's gauche to talk about,
but it's uh,
they've taken it all back.
Sebastian, we need to get you outta here.
No, I can't leave this apartment.
[cries]
[sighs]
Charlie, please.
It's only good when you're here.
[sighs]
?
(Sebastian) I can't get it.
(Charlie) Are you sure you know what you're doing?
[grunts]
Okay.
[shrieks]
[laughs]
Oh...!
[shrieks]
No!
Oh my God!
[laughs]
[sighs]
Hey, stainless steel wipes?
My mom said they were essential.
What is this?
Don't touch it.
-It's called Sebastian. -Hmm.
I was gonna show it to you later...
but okay.
Well, I think you captured my beauty quite well.
I painted you as a traditional odalisque.
Mm-hmm.
But by taking the traditionally male gendered viewer's gaze...
-Mm-hm. -and setting it
upon a male subject,
I'm essentially
-queering the viewer's eye. -Queering the viewer's eye.
I know. You've been saying that
since before you came out of the closet.
[clears throat] I swear to God, you came out of the womb
with a master's in queer theory.
What's that Joubert quote?
[clears throat]
"When my friends are one-eyed, I look at their profile."
[sighs]
Thank God you only look at my profile, Charles.
[laughs half-heartedly]
Glass of Pilot Noir for table three.
[sighs]
It is way too early
to look at something that depressing.
No, your tips were actually extra great this week.
Maybe I should get real person job like London.
Vogue {end-italic}is a real person job, Urs, even if it is only part-time.
[chuckles] Hey,
look who's paying rent on time this month.
Alright, up top.
I'm gonna walk away.
(Ursula) You still buy newspapers?
(London) It's a two-page expos�.
(Ursula) And?
And I didn't get the job.
I thought the final interview was a formality.
(Charlie) Hey. (London) Yeah, so did I.
Okay, so maybe Thatcher wasn't a good fit for you.
(London) No.
I didn't get the job because of this picture,
because of Sebastian.
Shh-shh-shh-shh shh-shh-shh-shh.
Please, please.
No one our age can get a job. You think you're special?
What picture? [door slams]
But didn't they already know you were working at Blackworth?
Yes, they did.
They just didn't know that I was, how did they put it,
fraternizing with the heir-apparent
to the most hated man in New York.
You know, I think I need a break from all of us for a while.
London, no, come on.
We can just use the back entrance
of Sebastian's building from now on.
Charlie, no offense, but I'm not gonna take
advice from you right now, about Sebastian.
-Oh, come on.. (London) Look, you guys.
You don't get it.
Things cannot stay the same.
You're being such a drama queen right now.
God forbid you're not partner by thirty.
[laughs]
Please, Ursula.
(Londom) At least, I have long term goals.
(Ursula) Yeah! Oh, of course.
All of that climbing up the corporate ladder
from Mobile, Alabama for nothing.
Hey, stop it. Come on, uh--
Okay, you know what? It's not for nothing!
And I don't wanna have to go back there.
So if I don't get a job, that's what I'm looking at.
I get the money thing.
You think I work two jobs seven days a week
because it's really fun?
This is a question of loyalty.
[sighs]
I gotta go.
(Charlie) London.
What are we gonna tell Sebastian?
Nothing.
(Sebastian) I can't believe he's in there.
What do you think?
Nope.
(Sebastian) Let's go.
[orchestra warming up]
[Charlie whispers] Why are we even here?
(Ursula) I told you.
I'm covering the opening reception forVogue .
I'm already bored.
[chuckles] Shh-shh.
[whispers] Sorry.
[whispers] Be sophisticated.
One of us should have stayed with him.
[applause]
Oh my God.
Oh my God, what?
[under breath] Oh my God.
[playing piano solo]
Tim Mallek, devilishly handsome star pianist.
Mmm.
Admiral Kinberg.
Hey. Go forth and investigate.
Go forth.
No, Wyatt.
Charlie, from the bar.
Tim, from the on stage.
-Oh God. -Yes, Tim, from the on stage.
But, you know, my friends just call me Tim.
Colonel, we actually have to get back to the house to--
Well, Colonel, let's not use titles
'cause we don't know what they mean.
Hi.
Uh, Tim, this is Ursula and Wyatt.
-Guys, this is-- -Tim Mallek.
I remember you both from the piano bar.
Mmm, mm-hm.
Ursula and I know each other from high school.
-Ah. -We need some wine.
And uh, Wyatt is our token straight boy.
Ah, very useful.
Listen, there's something that we need to do.
We need to get more wine.
Okay.
And then we have to go see Sebastian. Yes.
Actually, Tim. We've got to be going.
-He's waiting for-- -Uh, it was great to meet you.
What are you doing? I was talking.
I can't believe he's flirting with a guy.
He's an old man.
I should actually catch up to them.
[cell phone vibrating]
Is that your boyfriend checking in?
Is he prettier than me?
Can he play Chopin like I can?
No.
No, he's just Sebastian.
He's my best friend.
Phew.
So, nothing more.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, he's just going through some stuff.
Then what's the problem?
(Tim) Come on. [horn blares]
[laughs] (Charlie) Oh my God.
So how does a star concert pianist end up at a bar?
(Tim) Chamber ensemble.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
(Charlie) Chamber ensemble piano, whatever.
How do you end up at a- at a hole-in-the-wall
showtunes piano bar?
(Tim) I swear, nothing makes me happier.
If it paid the bills, I'd settle down in New York
and play there full time,
instead of moving from job to job.
Or San Francisco.
(Charlie) San Francisco?
(Tim) Yeah, I love it there.
But this is the dream.
One day I'll be playing here with the Philharmonic.
(Charlie) This place reminds me of Rosh Hashanah.
(Tim) Oh yeah?
(Charlie) Tashlich. (Tim) Tash what?
[Charlie chuckles] Tashlich.
It's the service where you throw your sins into the river.
It's my favorite part of Rosh Hashanah,
(Tim) I thought Jews don't believe in sin.
(Charlie) It's a metaphor.
(Tim) Mmm.
I have an idea.
Yalla -
(Charlie) It's okay. We can see it another time.
Why isn't the Highline always open like Central Park?
Fuck!
I'm sorry.
I just really wanted to show you this.
I like you.
(Tim) What are you doing?
It's okay. It was a valiant effor--
How did you learn to do that, MacGyver?
Hebrew school.
Seriously?
No.
Who are you?
(Tim) Okay, so I was twenty-six, your age,
and I was dating this crazy guy back in Beirut,
and I couldn't bring myself to break up with him,
even though he was reading my mail,
and we'd fight, screaming, wrestling fights.
So, instead of breaking up with him,
I moved to America.
Wow.
Yeah, pretty bad.
Yeah.
Okay.
Tashlich!
[laughs]
(Tim) What?
You don't have to yell "Tashlich."
Sin-throwing is fun.
Your turn.
When I was eleven,
I was living with Sebastian and his family
for a few months.
My mom and I were going through...
Uh, it was bad.
And I would not come out from under the bed for days.
So, Sebastian climbed under and stayed with me for hours,
just holding my hand.
I wouldn't stop crying, and so he kissed me.
On the lips.
It was so soft.
Only two or three seconds, but it was enough time for me
to realize that I was...
different from other boys.
Which was scary.
And so the next day, I told everyone at school
that he had kissed me, that he was "a gay."
So, what happened?
Sebastian wore his mother's pink nail polish to school
the next day.
-No. -Yeah.
(chuckles)
Anyway, fifteen years later, I still feel bad about it.
Right, let's see what you got.
[grunts]
Okay, now give me a good one.
What?
That wasn't good?
I outed my best friend.
When you were eleven.
Fine, I'll go.
Last Christmas, I punched my father right in the face.
Knocked him out.
Blood, everything.
Seriously?
Well, he drinks, and sometimes with my mom,
he's just, he's not very nice.
For a second, I thought I'd killed him,
and I didn't care.
That's a terrible thing, isn't it?
You ever do anything like that to your old man?
No.
He died when I was eleven.
I'm sorry.
Well, that explains the crying under the bed.
It's okay.
We weren't very close.
It wasn't much of a loss.
Gay men and their dads.
I think we need both of us to hoist this one over.
[laughs]
(Tim) One, two, three.
(Both) Tashlich!
Hey!
Shit.
You know you're not supposed to be here.
[Tim laughs]
(Tim) Slow down.
[Charlie laughs]
?
? You'll say a better Major-General ?
? has never sat a gee.
? You'll say a better Major-General ?
? has never sat a gee.
? You'll say a better Major-General ?
? has never sat a sat a gee.
? For my military knowledge
? though I'm plucky and adventury ?
? has only been brought down to the beginning of the century ?
? But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral ?
? I am the very model of a modern Major-General. ?
[laughs]
I did it.
?
[soothing voice on tape] Give yourself permission
to leave your day behind.
(Charlie) This help's you relax?
[tape continues...] [Charlie snickers]
(Charlie) Why are there whales? (Tim) Shut up.
[Charlie snorts] (Tim) They're very soothing.
[Charlie laughs]
I love seeing you in my shirt.
Tim, I need to tell you something.
What?
'Cause I wanna be honest with you...
'cause I like you.
I lied to you.
I tell people my father's dead all the time, but...
the truth is he left when I was eleven.
Just left.
Never said goodbye.
Sebastian knows the truth, but [inhales]
with everyone else, it's just easier to say he's dead.
He lives in Long Island now, with his new family,
which is fine.
I never really see him.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you.
'Cause that's what boyfriends do, right?
They tell each other things.
Boyfriends.
[music/voices/glass shattering]
What the...
? Three little maids from school are we... ?
(Wyatt) Oh!
Charlie!
(Charlie) What the hell is going on?
It's a fucking mess in here, guys.
He was sad, so we're making him....
(Wyatt) Oh! (Charlie) Jesus Christ.
(Ursula) ...happier.
(Wyatt) Oh, no. - We're making him happier.
There you are.
I- I'd completely forgotten what you look like.
(Charlie) What are you doing?
We are redecorating.
[laughs]
(Ursula) This goes over here (Sebastian) Yes.
Sorry, we would have invited you,
but I know how busy that you have been.
Sebastian.
[drops bottle]
(Sebastian) London, too. [clears throat]
Whose clothes are these?
Whose do you think they are? Wanna toss some with us?
Let me show you.
Wanna toss that in the air?
Like this.
This isn't what he needs right now.
Well, I think you're wrong.
I actually think this exactly what he needs.
I can- I can take it from here.
You don't think we can take it?
(Ursula) We've been managing just fine without you
for the past two weeks.
Why don't you guys go?
Hmm?
-Go! (Wyatt) Alright.
[knocking]
(Charlie) Hey.
Just wanted to come say good night.
Oh, you're not staying with Jim tonight?
You know his name is Tim.
And, no, he has rehearsal.
He's too old for you.
I don't know what you could possibly see in him.
I didn't think I'd miss him, you know?
He ruined my life,
and I miss him.
He's still your father.
Of course you miss him.
Do you ever miss your dad?
All the time.
Charlie?
Yeah?
Do you...
do you think I'm a good person?
Of course.
You had to think about it.
That can't be good.
Sebastian...
you're not a good person.
You're the best person I know.
Well, you're the only one that thinks so.
Please.
I'm begging you. He misses you.
He needs you. You're the responsible one.
-He does not need me. -Fine, I need you.
See, this is the problem with Sebastian.
It's all about Sebastian all the time.
People grow up.
They grow apart.
It's okay.
I'm not abandoning him.
?
(Tim) I'll just be a minute.
Just have to grab something.
(Charlie) I can't see a thing.
(Tim) Just wait over there.
[sighs]
[lights clicking on]
[gasps]
Not bad, huh?
-Are we allowed to be here? -No.
[laughs] Oh my God.
Maybe breaking into places can be our thing.
Yeah, right.
[piano playing]
? Take all these, you lucky man ?
? take and keep them if you can, Charlie. ?
[laughs]
You learned some Gilbert and Sullivan.
Gondoliers.
I never break a promise.
Your turn.
Come on.
[sighs]
You pushy Lebanese.
[laughs]
You- you uh-- Okay, why not?
Uh, okay. [playing piano]
? Take a pair of sparkling eyes ?
? hidden ever and anon.
What?
I love you.
I know we haven't been seeing each other for that long,
but that's just what I feel.
I love you.
Wow, I uh--
You don't have to say anything yet. It's okay.
I know you feel the same.
Um...
What's wrong?
How do you know?
[chuckles]
How do I know? I just do.
When I'm with you, I never want to be anywhere else.
I love you, Charlie.
Uh...
What is it?
I don't know. It's a lot to process.
I mean, I like you so much.
I guess I just didn't realize...
[sighs]
It's this friend of yours,
-I knew it. -What?
You and the Blackworth kid.
No.
-God. -Wait, you know who he is?
Everyone in New York knows who he is.
[sighs]
Hey.
How could you be in love with that guy?
What?
Don't say it like that.
You don't know him.
So what?
Have you been sleeping with him all this time?
No!
Sebastian and I have never...
anything, ever.
But you're in love with him?
No.
I mean, how could I be? No.
You don't get it.
Oh yeah.
Please, I get it.
Everyone has a Sebastian.
Hey.
[whispers] Hey.
Listen.
I wanna be with you.
[scoffs]
Okay?
It doesn't matter.
You're so young.
I forget sometimes.
What?
You think you don't deserve love?
[scoffs]
Whoa.
Way to take a huge leap there, Tim.
Let me tell you how this ends.
You don't end up with your Sebastian.
It's not real love.
It's a childhood obsession, an idea of a person.
And really, it's a poor excuse.
What?
Like this fucked up umbilical cord,
so you never have to open yourself up to anyone.
[sighs]
[voice breaks] Wait, Tim! I--
It's okay. You know, just...
call me when you're ready to let someone else in.
[gasps]
?
Wyatt!
God, I love this holiday.
(Wyatt) Indians, your land is mine!
(Ursula) Your hat looks weird.
You know, I think I'm gonna do a lap first.
Kinberg, where's Tim?
Don't wanna talk about it.
(Ursula) Hmm? (Wyatt) You got it.
Oh, okay.
[slurps through straw]
(Ursula) Okay.
Whoa there, es�.
No, honestly, I'm so- I'm so fine, Ursula.
I can have as much drinks as I want because I'm dumped.
Well--
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
Tim doesn't understand.
Why don't people understand us, Ursula?
We've got each other.
[sighs] Okay, enough about Tim.
What's up with you? What's happenin' with Ursula?
Hmm?
Well, a new, full-time position opened up at Vogue {end-italic}.
-Cultural Features Editor. -Amazing.
I don't know if I'm gonna put myself up for it, though.
What? Why wouldn't you?
Just- I just don't know if it's like the right time, you know?
No, no.
Plus, what if I don't get it?
It's my dream job.
There's nothing more depressing than the death of a dream.
(Charlie) What if we never get our dreams?
You want to know whose fault it is?
Yeah, I could take a guess.
Bill Clinton.
Wow.
I would not- I would not have guessed that.
No, because when we were growing up, Bill lied to us,
because he said, that you could do anything.
You could be a dreamer during the- the Clinton administration.
You remember that?
Yeah, dude.
Tim just dumped you because of Bill Clinton.
What? No, shut up. You're ridiculous.
That's what you said, right?
Oh.
[slurps]
(Ursula) Charlie?
You gotta put yourself up for that job, Ursula.
You have to go after the things you want in life.
You gonna boot?
Where's your uh, hidden cave?
Tell me it's closer than Transylvania.
Yeah, it is. It's in Bushwick.
[laughs]
Doesn't anyone live in Manhattan anymore?
Oh, don't worry, little lamb.
-I'll protect you. -Little Lamb?
I don't know if anyone told you,
but I'm really a wolf in sheep's clothing...
Why don't you go get us a drink?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
He's cute, right?
A Ginger?
[chuckles]
Who knew there were so many cute boys in Brooklyn?
Yeah, I really should invite him back to the apartment,
but you know how these boys scare so easily about money.
[laughs]
Charlie. Uh.
[chuckles] Good fangs.
God, you bit my nose.
Who bites someone's nose?
-Stop it! -We can practice.
[sighs deeply]
[laughter/talking coming from other room]
You're an asshole!
[clears throat] What?
Are we just not gonna talk about it?
(Sebastian) What?
I know you know.
I know you know my feelings for you.
What are you doing? Get out.
-Should I go? (Sebastian) No.
My friend, he's just having a little stroke.
You just like the attention, right?
You just use me to feel better about yourself?
Can we talk about this later?
No, I waited fifteen years to talk about this.
We're talking about this.
Great. Well, then you can watch.
I kissed you.
Yeah, you were drunk. It happens.
And we'll talk about it in the morning.
-I should go. (Sebastian) No.
Why him, huh? Why not me?
Oh, well, thank you.
What?
(Charlie) Let's do this. Sebastian --
We're perfect for each other.
We spend all our time together.
We- we already love each other.
Oh, love?
It's a--
[sighs] It's a different thing.
(Charlie) Look at me.
Is this ever gonna happen?
Us?
Sebastian, us? Is this ever gonna happen?
Stop being so dramatic.
Why can't you answer?
I don't mind if he joins.
(Charlie) What?
Why don't you join?
(Charlie) I can't do this anymore.
Do what?
Tim was right. I'm never--
I'm never gonna be able to love anybody else.
(Sebastian) Will you stop saying love,
like it's the same thing!
Charlie, stop!
What is going on?
I'm leaving. That's what's going on.
Well, um, what's the point of having gay friends
if you can't sleep with them?
You're doing it wrong.
[sighs]
[breathing heavily]
[door closes]
You're way cuter anyway.
Please go.
Alright.
Why do you want to ruin what we've got?
So we can have some bad sex for a little while?
Then what?
Hmm?
I don't know.
Then we break up.
And that's it.
Fifteen years of friendship down the drain.
Yeah, you're right, and um,
I can't be here.
You know what's gonna happen, right?
When you stop loving me,
you're gonna realize what a terrible person I am.
[door closes] [sobs]
[growls]
[breathing heavily]
[moaning]
[whispers] Hi.
Okay.
[scat singing]
I love you.
Can I say it again?
I love you.
I love you, I love you.
Mmm.
I love you.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Yeah-yeah-yeah.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Who was that?
The San Francisco Symphony.
No.
-Yes. -No.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Oh my God! That's--
They want me to start in January.
Are you gonna take it?
It's a full-time position.
-Principal pianist. -Yeah.
Come with me.
What?
I can't do that.
You only have one more semester left anyway.
And you're not even in classes anymore.
You can work from there,
and come back for your thesis show.
-The plane ride is nothing. -But-
but my mom and-- I- I can't don't that, can I?
No, um...
we- we could do um, long distance or something.
No, long distance never works.
Trust me.
What's holding you back?
Nothing, I guess.
Oh God -- Oh, my stomach hurts.
-Ooh, uh- uh-- -Come here.
Oh, no, no.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I don't want anyone else. Do you?
No.
Then let's do it. Come with me.
What if we just stayed here?
This is my chance for something permanent, Charlie.
To stay in one place.
And it's your chance to do something for you,
to get away from... New York.
[ O Holy Night {end-italic}playing]
[song continues]
[guard radio chatter]
Merry Christmas.
You know I can't play this in here.
I know. It's just the cover.
[chuckles]
You remember?
Yeah, Penzance {end-italic}.
Our first Gilbert and Sullivan together.
[sighs]
That was nice.
So you came here after all this time to give me this?
No.
I came here to see you.
Well, I'm glad you did.
How's Charlie?
I don't know.
Look, [clears throat]
I need to talk to you about relaunching the fund.
What?
You're gonna have to be in touch with your mother.
She knows the security codes for all the offshore accounts.
So, I want you to get her to wire twenty million
as seed money.
What are you talking about?
The other investors will need to know
that we own ten percent of the fund,
-then you'll s- -Come on, stop.
And then you call- you call Blankstein...
and you buy twenty million and--
I'm not re-launching anything.
Can we please talk about anything else?
What do you want?
I want you to just be my dad.
That's uh,
[sighs]
that's what I need.
I was broke at your age. I know how to fix this.
You do not know how to fix this.
What are you gonna do for money, huh?
Who's gonna hire you now?
I'll figure something out.
I did go to an Ivy League school.
Right, after I endowed a building.
You can live off some of the money
from the offshore accounts.
I'm not gonna take any of that money.
That money should go back to the families and charities
that you've swindled.
We already settled with them.
Oh, come on.
God, you always were incredibly naive and selfish.
I'm the selfish one?
Do I need to remind you why you-
why you're still out there,
and I'm stuck in here for the rest of my goddamn life?
No.
I know you think that just because you're a faggot
that you're different from me,
but you'll always be a Blackworth.
Time's up!
You only get one family, Sebastian.
Maybe.
But it sure as hell isn't you.
[Major General {end-italic}playing]
[phone rings]
[clears throat] Charlie?
Uh, no.
[clears throat] Sorry. Yes, this is he...
[music continues]
I can't believe that his mother didn't show up.
I can.
You okay?
Y'all, they don't even have desk chairs.
We sit on bouncy balls.
[laughter]
Are you sure that you work at an actual internet start-up
and not just some hippie commune
that you accidentally wandered into?
(Wyatt) Uh, Ursula has some news as well.
I don't.
No-no-no. I'm proud of you.
Ursula is now the Cultural Features Editor
at Vogue's {end-italic}website.
-Yay! -That's amazing.
It's just digital, so it's not--
I'm so proud of you.
So, Tim, how are things at that ghastly old piano bar?
Hmm.
Well, I actually just got a job at the San Francisco Orchestra.
Principal pianist.
Wow.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, dude. That's great.
San Francisco?
[chuckles]
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
Well, we'll be sad to see you go.
Charlie, you must be devastated.
Mm-hm.
Ooh, and after you learned all that Gilbert and Sullivan.
[laughter]
Yeah, why all that Gilbert and Sullivan?
Well, for one, it's right in my vocal wheelhouse.
Mmm.
You don't have a vocal wheelhouse.
Actually,
it was Sebastian's dad that introduced us...
to it.
It's okay.
No, it's nice to remember the good things.
Anyway,
I'm ready for a fresh start.
And I feel like having us all here, finally, is--
[sighs]
I don't know, I feel like things are really gonna be okay.
To...
new beginnings.
To new beginnings.
Hmm.
Cheers.
[glasses clink]
[sighs]
I'm also selling the apartment.
I'm selling everything, actually.
And I'm gonna take the money,
and I'm gonna give it to all the people uh--
You know.
I'm proud of you.
Me, too.
So I thought maybe I could stay with you and your mom...
just for a little while until I get on my feet.
What do you say?
Um, well,
it- it's just-- [sighs]
Um, you wanna-
you wanna talk about this later?
Charlie, why?
What could you have to say
that you couldn't say in front of everyone?
I mean, we're all family, right?
Why don't I go get us some more wine?
Is this about Halloween?
-Sebastian. -What?
(Tim) Halloween?
What? You didn't tell him?
-Sebastian. -What happened on Halloween?
Maybe you'd know, London,
if you weren't so quick to abandon your friends.
Okay.
Sebastian, that's a conversation that you and I should--
He's a fantastic kisser, isn't he?
Sebastian.
(Wyatt) Why don't we put on some music?
(Ursula) That is a great idea. How about a little Mikado?
? Mikado!
Talk to me. Hey.
Sebastian, we are here to investigate.
-Would you shut up, Ursula! (Wyatt) Hey!
Don't speak to her that way.
Look, whatever happened, I don't care.
I know I've got you now, okay?
What does that mean?
[sighs]
I'm going with Tim.
(London) What?
(Ursula) Wait, what?
(Charlie) I didn't want to talk about this today.
(London) Charlie, when?
Uh, after New Year's.
Is this really a good time to bring this up right now?
(London) Charlie, what about school?
(Charlie) I'm working on my thesis,
and I- I can do that anywhere.
I know it's fast, but um,
I love him.
So, can someone turn off the music?
What?
I think this is great!
Guys, look at him. He's happy.
You know, whenever you find love,
I think that you should uh,
dive right in, you know?
Look, uh, buddy, if you need a place to stay,
you can stay at my place.
It's not much, but--
-Okay. -Seba-
You guys, is he--
(Charlie) Shit! -Oh my God.
No, no.
You'll just make it worse.
Sebastian!
Sebastian, come down.
[breathing heavily]
Just get down. Let's talk about this.
You were right to leave.
You found a way to be happy,
and it has nothing to do with me.
No, that's not true.
Just- just get down, Sebastian.
[sighs]
I knew about the transfers.
What?
I knew he was moving customer money,
and I knew it was illegal,
and I- I--
[cries]
I didn't say anything.
I could have stopped him, you know, and I didn't.
They're right to hate me.
No.
I see you.
I know how good and sensitive you are.
You're lying.
I'm just like him!
Sebastian!
Sebastian?
S- Sebastian,
how could you be just like anybody
when you're more yourself than anyone else I know?
You're- you're not your father.
[gasps]
You're everything.
You're everything, Sebastian.
-Wait. -What?
You're right. Let's do this.
It's you and me.
Come on, let's go away together.
Se- Sebastian.
It's not like that.
You really love him.
What the fuck is your problem, man?
Tim! Stop!
-Hey-hey-hey-hey! -No!
You spoiled fucking child!
He didn't mean it!
What? You took everyone's money,
and now you want their boyfriends, too?
Stop!
Come on, man.
It's okay.
Come on, hit me.
Hit me. I deserve it.
[sighs]
I'm sorry. Let's go.
Are you crazy?
Pushing him like that?
You're taking his side?
I'm not taking anyone's side.
[breathing heavily]
You're always gonna choose him over me, aren't you?
No, Tim. I love you,
-but you can't-- -He's a terrible person.
I'm sorry, I'm done.
I just don't belong here.
No, take him!
Go.
-He's right. -I'm not leaving.
-Go, go. -Stop!
Go! Get out of here!
Sebastian, stop!
Go! Oh! All of you - Go!
Sebastian, it's okay.
Sebastian.
You-- You weak, fucking faggot, go!
I don't need you here!
(Charlie) Stop. -Go!
(Charlie) Stop.
[whispers] Stop.
[sighs] It's okay, alright.
[knocks]
My baby boy.
[chuckles softly]
[sighs]
How is he?
Mmm.
He's still asleep.
Poor thing.
How does it feel being in your old room?
Different.
So, you were gonna move to San Francisco
without telling your mother?
Sorry.
Well, I'm not moving anymore, so...
When did you become such a man?
Don't feel like one.
Hmm?
You know, with Tim, I- I thought I was, but--
Hmm.
Maybe you need to figure that out on your own first.
Yeah.
He texted me saying he's leaving tomorrow
for fucking San Francisco.
Honey, please don't use the F word.
Sorry.
Well, maybe it was just meant to end this way.
Are you gonna say goodbye?
No, I don't think he wants to talk to me right now.
[sighs]
Charles...
get up. Come on.
Why?
Don't leave things on a bad note.
Charles,
real men say goodbye.
?
[buzzes door]
Hey.
Mmm, hey.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I want you to be happy.
Me, too.
(Sebastian) I don't think that I can be happy here.
(Charlie) I know.
Anyway, I've got an apology gift for you.
One time only.
What?
[Charlie's voice breaks] How did you--
-I went to your house. -Sebastian called me.
Sebastian?
You've got a good friend there.
-I'm not-- -I know.
[sighs]
Please.
You can't go. I love you.
[takes a shuddering breath]
It's just not our time.
Yeah.
[sighs]
?
Members of the jury,
we are gathered here today
to investigate the crimes
of the dangerous war criminal...
Ooh.
Sebastian Blackworth.
Even though he is leaving us,
no matter where he goes,
no matter what name he goes by,
no matter what people say about him,
I sentence him
to always be a one-eyed freak like the rest of us.
Amen.
Wait.
Uh, [clears throat]
Your Honor,
if I may have one final word
before my sentencing commences--
If you must.
[sighs]
The thing is, I was wrong about you.
You don't just face our good sides.
No...
you stare right at our one eye,
and you find the beauty in it anyway.
Thank you for always seeing the best in people,
even when they can't see it themselves.
To Charles.
To us.
[glasses/bottles clink]
[clears throat]
?