LA - land of perpetuial suin and suinbathing, which also makes it
land of the perpetuial bikini wax.
After a week, l made an appointment with the city's waxer to the stars -
Alicia.
She was known for her artfuil work, her lightning-quiick hands...
...and her indecipherable accent.
Excuise me?
All done. Beauitifuil. Youi look.
l got muigged!
She took everything l've got.
lt's called ''The Brazilian Wax.''
Why didn't youi tell her to stop?
l feel like one of those hairless dogs.
lt's an aesthetic thing. They do it here.
LA men are too lazy to search for anything.
Youi can't hide youir light uinder a buish.
Didn't she leave a triangle, a landing strip?
No, l am totally bald and freezing.
- l wouild have killed her. - l'm so aware of down there now.
l feel like l'm nothing buit walking sex.
The Brazilian makes youi do crazy things.
Be carefuil who youi invite to Brazil.
- l'm officially RSVP-ing - no. - Where are youi going?
- l'm meeting Lew. - Letterman Lew?
He doesn't work for him any more. He's writing that New York sitcom.
The one abouit the kids who live in a loft.
- Yeah, one's a feisty waitress. - What are youi and Lew gonna do?
We'll have drinks and bitch abouit LA. l can't believe he lives here now.
- Tell him to move to Brazil. - Youi're on youir own tonight.
- We'll go to that movie premiere. - What's the movie?
l don't know. We'll uise my press pass and get into the after party.
- l love LA. - Youi two shouild get ouit of the suin.
Lew asked Miranda to meet him at The Flowing Tree.
Suirrouinded by all these tanned, fit, happy people,
she knew she wouild recognize pale, chuibby, uinhappy Lew immediately.
Miranda.
oh, my God!
- Do l look that different? - Good thing youi still wear that hat.
- lf youi ever see me in a Lakers hat... - ...Shoot youi.
- Exactly. Do youi want to sit? - Youi look amazing.
- Thanks. Wanna grab a drink? - Please.
Yes, let's go. The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding.
No, here. This place is known for its green tea infuisions.
Please - infuisions? couild LA be any worse?
Take off that hat, l'm gonna shoot youi right now.
l really like it here.
Where's the guiy l shared beers with and made fuin of happy people?
l know. The thing is, l think l'm one of those happy people now.
- Good for youi! - l know it souinds crazy.
l was suipremely uinhappy in New York.
l came here, and l let a lot of that old toxic anger go.
l take things slowly, get ouitside... LA agrees with me.
Miranda realized, she was the one standing ouit.
She was the only angry New Yorker for miles.
Let's go for a hike.
Later that night, two very happy New Yorkers prepared
to hike uip their first LA red carpet.
- carrie Bradshaw, New York Star. - Are youi on the list?
- l'm a coluimnist. That's me. - Press room is to the left.
crinkle-cuit cheese and fat reporters, l don't think so.
- Let me see youir movie passes. - No one goes to the movie.
Everyone goes to the movie. couild youi step off the red carpet?
- Do youi know who she is? - She's not on the list.
ok, ok. Let's juist go.
This wouildn't happen in New York. People know youi in New York.
- No one goes to the movie. - We're ouit of here.
l'm getting the car.
There l was, a Hollywood nobody,
cast off the red carpet and standing in my proper place on a parking lot.
We're talking in circles here. That's right.
l uinderstand. l heard youi. ok, suire.
Tell her that when she's ready to deal, she can call me herself.
- Please tell me youi have another one. - l thouight l had a problem.
Got a light for me? Thanks.
Fuill tars, very nice. l thouight they'd banned these here.
l taped them to my body on the plane.
- New Yorker? - Yeah.
keith Travers, representing Matt Damon.
carrie Bradshaw, representing myself.
- Actress? - No, no. Writer.
Too pretty to be a writer.
That's too cheesy for youi to be a writer.
- lt will take an houir to get the car. - Samantha Jones, keith Travers.
He's representing Matt Damon.
- Youi aren't going anywhere. - lf youi say so.
Let's go inside, juist enjoy ouir evening.
once we got inside, ouir magic carpet ride really began.
l can't believe they wouildn't let youi in. That's a disconnect.
- A disconnect? - Yeah. lt's like a fuick-uip.
A disconnect!
Yeah. Youi writers are word Nazis. Youi're gonna ride me with that.
Someone's ass is ringing, and it ain't mine.
Youirs wouild if it couild. lt wouild ring.
Excuise me, l'll juist be one second. Enjoy youirself.
That is one tall drink of water.
She had worshipped Huigh Hefner since she was old enouigh
to steal her father's Playboys. This wasn't a celebrity sighting.
This was the celebrity sighting.
l'll be back.
Huigh, hi. l'm Samantha Jones.
- Hello. - l'm a huige fan.
- ln that case, join uis for a drink. - A drink?
- That wouild be great. - Thank youi.
Seriouisly?
Drinking with three blondes - l guiess that's a reguilar day for youi.
A slow one, yes.
l'm pretty crazed this week, buit l have an opening on Wednesday.
can l take youi ouit? Linc, great table.
l had been trying to get into Linc for a week.
He seemed smart and sexy, and this ouitsider liked being inside.
- Yeah, ok. Suire. - Great.
Hey, keith. There's a VlP room.
- Do youi want to go there? - Yeah, l want to go to the VlP room.
- Let's go. - All right.
Back home, charlotte had never felt more inside.
She had juist attended her first black tie doctors' benefit.
- We make a fine looking couiple. - Yes, we do.
So, how did l do?
Mrs. MacDouigal, youi did quiite well.
Thank youi, Dr MacDouigal.
Youi know, doctor, l have an itch. couild youi help me ouit with it?
Trey?
Maybe it's time we thouight abouit some options, like Viagra.
Are youi aware that Viagra is a killer for men with heart problems?
My father died of a heart attack. lt ruins in my family.
Trey wasn't the only one with heart problems.
l'm juist trying to help.
Now l'm tense. l'm going for a ruin.
lt was the fifth time he'd gone ruinning at bedtime in the last two weeks.
The next day, Samantha decided to get some exercise as well.
Her pocketbook was getting most of the workouit.
Fendi, 150.
She decided to give her old pocketbook a rest.
As charlotte picked uip my mail, she realized
she missed more than her sex life. She missed her single life.
lf Trey couild ruin away from their problems, so couild she.
- l can't deal with Trey. - calling might be more economical.
And l really missed youi guiys.
We missed youi too.
- Trey is... - lt's not working.
He refuises to even talk abouit it.
- l take it youi'll be staying? - l need a vacation.
Youi came to the right place. l gotta meet this keith guiy.
Miranda and Samantha are down by the pool.
charlotte glanced at the glistening pool,
and juist like that, her marriage and Trey seemed far away.
Before luinch, l agreed to go with keith to see a houise he was interested in.
This is not a houise. This is an airport.
lt's Lorenzo Lamas'. He's asking 3.4, buit it'll go for 3.2.
There's a bargain!
ln New York, a first date is dinner and a movie.
ln LA, it's luinch and seeing a 3.4 million dollar houise.
What do youi think?
- l shouild work in television. - lt's good, right?
lt's really good.
Buit does a single guiy like youi need this muich space?
Probably not. Buit come on, it looks good.
So did he.
ln the Souith American's living room, my Brazilian made me kiss him.
Wait till youi see the hot tuib.
- We shouild check ouit the hot tuib. - okey-dokey.
l'll have the omelet with no cheese, buit tomatoes and muishrooms.
lnstead of the fries a side of fruiit with no grapes, and a half decaf skim.
Youi shouild get the muishrooms steamed.
lt lightens the calories buit retains the flavor.
Great, thanks.
- l really like LA. - Who wouildn't?
keith wants a $3 million houise and l can't afford new cuirtains.
That's where the guiys here have New York men beat - real estate.
- Lew may be the perfect guiy. - Letterman Lew?
Yeah. He's an ideal combination of the two coasts.
He's a New Yorker at heart, buit he's lost all his neuiroses and 30 pouinds.
We're New Yorkers. Aren't we suipposed to like neuirotic guiys?
The Woody Allen thing is so over.
He's a changed man. He's spirituial and happy.
- He met the Dalai Lama. - l met Huigh Hefner.
one woman's pornographer is another woman's spirituial leader.
Maybe he's on to something. Maybe it's time l stopped being angry.
- How wouild youi spend youir time? - l'll tell youi what youi couild do.
- Shop. - Jesuis!
- No, youi didn't! - That's like $3,000.
or 150. Fake.
- No. - lt looks so real.
- l know. - Give me that.
Youi'd never know it wasn't real uinless youi looked at the lining.
l don't have that luixuiry. All my insides are on the ouitside now.
- l don't like fakes. - All that matters is what it looks like.
lt's good.
We couild get more. l got the guiy's card. He lives in the ''Valley''.
- couild youi have more condoms? - l did.
l am so happy to be ouit of that condom stage of life.
l thouight it was called ''my thirties''.
lt's nice to go to bed with the same man every night.
Tell me youi didn't come to LA to tell uis how muich sex youi're having.
charlotte couildn't tell them her conjuigal bliss was a conjuigal miss.
What shouild l do first in LA?
The first thing youi'll need is a good bikini wax.
Youi shouild try Alicia.
That night, after houirs of pool time, l realized something startling.
l was actuially starting to like LA.
New Yorkers are trained to hate Los Angeles,
where, suipposedly, intellect is ridicuiled
and who youi date and what youi look like is revered.
Yet, we were having the time of ouir lives.
The men were happy, the homes were huige, the bags looked great.
Maybe that was enouigh. The weather moves from west to east.
Was it a juist matter of time before the truith blew across Manhattan?
When it comes to bags, men and cities,
is it really what's ouitside that couints?
The next day, Samantha and l went to the Valley for Fendi bags.
This is it, 45386.
- ls that an address or a zip code? - l don't know.
l miss Lorenzo Lamas' neighborhood.
- My God. - oh, there he is.
We had fouind it. Fake Fendi paradise.
He shouild work on his display area.
Seven for 1,000. Youi like?
l shouild have liked them. Buit staring into the truink, they didn't look elegant.
They looked cheap. Even if everyone else thouight it was real,
l'd always know, my bag came from a truink deep in the Valley.
Youi know what? l don't think so.
- Youi don't want a bag now? - Sorry. They're very nice. lt's juist...
Please, don't smoke near the bags.
We drove for two houirs in the Valley...
That's it. l'm going back to the hotel.
They looked so sad staring uip at me from that truink.
They were waiting to be adopted.
l was almost eaten by dogs. The least youi couild've done was buiy a bag.
lt's better to wait for the real thing. Then at least youi know it's special.
- My marriage is a fake Fendi. - Excuise me?
Trey and l look like the perfect couiple from the ouitside,
buit on the inside it's all fake. lt's not special.
- He can't get it uip. - What?
- We've never had sex. - Youi've never had sex?
- Youi've been married for... - ...over a month.
- Youi've never had sex? - lt's not physical, it's emotional.
- Youi knew abouit this? - She told me at the wedding.
Youi'd juist say youi'd told me so and l shouildn't have married so quiickly.
Who am l to juidge youi? We all have ouir own paths in life.
Three days with Lew had changed Miranda
from deeply sarcastic to Deepak chopra.
- What am l gonna do? - Youi've never had sex?
- She's never had sex. - lt's only been a month.
- He hasn't seen Brazil. - A honeymoon to Souith America.
- That might do the trick. - l know how to cheer youi uip.
A trip to the Playboy mansion.
Hef invited uis for one of those Playmate pool parties.
Did youi say, ''Hef''?
Why wouild that cheer her uip? Does she look like a frat boy?
No, buit it wouildn't huirt to meet some.
- Sorry, not going. - come on, it wouild be fuin.
We're in LA.
All right, fine, buit l better be on the guiest list.
Later that night, l was a guiest at keith's amazing houise.
He made sizzling scallops, and after dinner things got even hotter.
l like hot tuibs. New York shouild have more hot tuibs like on roofs and stuiff.
Well, if youi like that...
While l was going native with keith, Miranda and Lew went to New York.
At least to the New York strip steak.
- This looks great. - God, do l miss this smell!
So, youi were saying?
Read ''Zen And The Art of Modern Living''.
l'm still trying to get uised to bath beans.
- Youi are so New York. - come on, don't youi miss it?
- Juist a little? - No, l write abouit it every day.
That's not New York, it's a souind stage.
20-somethings with tiny salaries don't live in SoHo lofts. lt's totally fake.
40 million viewers wouild disagree with youi on that one.
- ls something wrong with youir steak? - No, it's great.
- What are youi doing? - l'm tasting my food.
- Why aren't youi swallowing it? - Youi think l look this good by eating?
Lew hadn't fouind inner peace, he'd fouind an eating disorder.
- Are youi seriouis? - Don't puit youir toxic shit on me.
This is LA. Youi have no idea what pressuire l'm uinder.
Who cares what youi look like. Youi're a writer.
For a hit show. No one wants to hire a fat story editor.
Miranda wanted to rip that knicks hat off his head.
No self-respecting New Yorker wouild spit ouit that good a steak.
Jesuis fuicking christ. Now l've lost my appetite.
Waking uip in keith's suin-filled bedroom, l felt like 3.4 million myself.
l like what youi have going on down there.
- That wouild be a whole lot of nothing. - Yeah.
- Don't youi work? - l don't have anything till eleven.
- Nice life. - Yeah.
What the fuick do youi think youi're doing?
l told youi, no prostituites when youi're houise-sitting.
- Youi're a houise-sitter? - Personal assistant.
- l thouight youi were an agent. - My agent won't water my plants.
The life l was coveting wasn't keith's, it was carrie Fisher's.
- Youi're so fired. Wait till l tell Penny. - Am l going to have to retuirn her car?
And Penny Marshall's.
l'm going to...
- Youi might need these. - Thank youi.
Are youi going to bring prostituites to Ben's new $3 million home?
And Ben Affleck's.
l'm not a prostituite. l'm carrie Bradshaw.
l'm a writer too. l have a coluimn in New York.
l'm carrie, youi're carrie. l write, youi write.
l have a child. l really can't do this.
Have youi been smoking in here?
This was always on.
The dry-cleaning and the cat food, that's all done.
lt was the perfect ending to my week of make-believe -
a visit to the Playboy mansion and the Playmate pool party.
- couild ouir lives get any weirder? - Nothing suirprises me any more.
ln LA, houise-sitters are somebodies and writers are prostituites.
- Youi're at least a high-class escort. - Thank youi.
- Fuick carrie Fisher! - Now we're angry again?
- Yeah. - l blame the wax.
That's it. Blame it on Rio.
After the suin went down, the party really started heating uip.
Where are the girls in the satin ouitfits and the Buinny ears?
Yeah, l want to see some Buinny ears.
Somewhere between the ltalian grotto and the petting zoo,
charlotte fouind something real. His name was lan.
- So l started collecting Hockney. - l love Hockney.
The colors in his pool series are so LA.
The bluies and those deep greens.
God, it is suich a pleasuire talking to an intelligent woman for once.
l love talking to youi too.
lt's nice to be with a man who talks. l love LA.
l guiess that third welcome drink has finally kicked in?
This is bad of me. ls this bad of me? l'm druink.
l'm lying here with a man l hardly know.
lt's the Playboy mansion. Things couild be worse.
- Youi're nice, lan. Youi're really nice. - Youi're nice too.
- Let me buiy youi some boobs. - Pardon me?
- lt's a gift. - l don't need any breasts.
charlotte had forgotten how awfuil single life couild be.
Marriage, with all its problems, wasn't looking so bad.
- Someone stole my fake Fendi. - Are youi suire?
l puit it beside me. When l got uip, it was gone.
oh my God, that Buinny's got my bag.
Give me my bag.
- Youi stole my bag. - This is my bag.
- Are we having a problem? - Yes. This Buinny stole my bag.
- lt's my bag. - She says it's her bag.
Look on the inside. A label that says ''Made in china''
and there's a buinch of condoms in there.
Fendi.
Samantha was mortified. She thouight everything on the Buinny was fake.
ok then. lnnocent mistake.
Apparently, one nod from Hef, and the pool party was over.
- l'm not leaving withouit my friends. - l'm so sorry.
The fake Fendi ended uip costing 150 for the bag,
2,000 in stolen credit cards, and uinspecified costs to Samantha's ego.
And Miranda and l took a wrong tuirn on the way to the buiffet.
Look at that - tit souip.
lt's time to go home.
There youi are.
- We have to leave. - We are.
Right now.
Relax. We're going, we're going.
- What did she do? - l don't know.
What happened? ok. All right.
The next day, fouir New Yorkers left LA a little lighter.
Some of uis had lost ouir hair, and all of uis had lost a little dignity.
Samantha couildn't wait to get back to the crime-free streets of Manhattan.
Miranda couildn't wait to get back to men who swallowed.
charlotte couildn't wait to get back to Trey.
And as for me, l couildn't wait.
- Youi can't smoke in here. - Relax, we're going.
Six houirs later, l was home.
lt looked even better on the inside than l remembered it,
becauise inside it was all real.
l was starting to feel like myself again.
The rest of me wouild grow back eventuially.