（GOOD MORNING BLUES PLAYING)
（观众喝彩） (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
晚上好，女士们先生们！ ANNOUNCER: Good evening.Iadies and gentlemen.
现在用你最热烈的掌声欢迎迪兰莫兰先生上台！ Would you please welcome to the stage.Mr dylan moran!
好哇！ Hello!
AUDlENCE: Hello!
你们好，非常高兴你们能来 Hello, thank you for coming.
很好 All right.
现在是伦敦星期五晚上，你们都来了 It's Friday night in London, and you all came.
谢谢，非常感谢。其它所有事你都干完了 Thank you. Thank you.All of the other things you could have done.
你们可能都已经去过‘南多’了 You could all have gone to a Nando's.
我非常感动，再次感谢你们 I'm very touched, thank you.
所以说，我不知道 So, I don't know.
我真不知道 I don't.
这儿的事已经够多的了 There's too much.
是么？ Isn't there?
但是还是不够 And not enough at the same time.
然后它们就发生了,我处理得井井有条 And it just carries on. I can't, I can't cope any more with days.
日子太长了,白天就是傻X的时段 There's too many days.Days are a stupid length.
你知道，有足够的时间够你骂娘，然后你就要上床睡觉了 You know, they're just long enough to get regret and then you have to go and sleep.
有时候“哦~，我要。。”，转眼“Z~Z~” It's that feeling of "Ah, I should have" and you go, "Argh."
这世界的事太纷杂了 There's too much of everything.There's too much world,
太多的人，太多的新闻 there's too many people,there's too much news.
太多的新闻，而且它们还都挨个发生 There's far too much news, and it all happens too close together.
你要怎么与时俱进？ How are you expected to keep up?
世界在改变，我就想要侃一下时事 With what the changes, I wanted to talk about what's going on
但是我对自己说，够了，随它去吧，别管它 but I'd said enough, fuck it,just settle it. It won't.
它正在变成事实 It keeps becoming something else.
甚至当。。。你发现很难跟上周围的事情 And you know, even when the... You must find it hard to keep up with what's going on.
就因为。。。它们太相近了 There was the... Cause it is too close together.
比如说，那个皇室婚礼 There was the royal wedding, for instance,
那种傻X新闻，名人八卦 which is kind of silly news, you know,celebrity news.
过几天，乌萨马·本·拉丹就翘辫子了 And then a couple of days later,Osama bin Laden got killed.
它们几乎同时发生 This is too close together.
在当时，你根本不可能跟上趟 In real time, it's hard enough to keep track.
想象一下当你已经神志不清，未来30年会发生什么 Imagine what's it gonna be in 30 years' time when you have lost your mind completely.
当提到乌萨马·本·拉丹的名字 The name Osama bin Laden will come up
你会说“对，他是非常缺德 and you'll go "Yes, he was,he was a very wicked man, he was.
但是他穿的那身确实相当惊艳 "But he did look stunning in that dress."
当然，人人都在谈论他的兄弟。扯谈 Of course, his brother was the one everybody was talking about, you know, what an arse.
这真是个瞬息万变的时代 So, it's an incredible period of change.
当然啦，很多焦点确实都发生在这个大都市 And, of course, a lot of the focus is actually here. In a great city.
在伦敦还有其他大城市 In London and other great cities.
但是你看到的都是特写镜头，因为这里是权利的中心 But you see it sort of close up.'Cause this is the power hub.
不仅仅是伦敦，南边，事实上，整个国家，包括英格兰和爱尔兰 Not just of the local area, the south bit, the whole country, and indeed, the British lsles.
在这块地方这里是权利最集中的 This is the most powerful place in this region.
而且你是决策者 And so you are the decision makers.
你掌握一切 And you know that.
除了这座城市你一定思考过别的地方 And you've pretty much made up your mind about the rest of the country.
你怎么想苏格兰和威尔士，还有爱尔兰和北边 You know what you think about Scotland,and Wales, and lreland and the North.
你在想他们太热腾了，为什么还有人住那地？ You think they're all hilarious,and why would anybody live there?
你嘲笑北方，一群住在大馅饼里可笑的矮子 You laugh at the North, you think they're all funny little short people who live in a big pie.
试图用思维定势去定义他们 Trying to sort out their relationship with the definite article.
朝他们的晚餐里扔飞镖 Throwing darts at their dinner.And you know...
你们槽苏格兰 You laugh at Scotland.
你觉得到处都是醉汉，打架发飙的人 You think it's full of drunken,violent, bestial people
人人都是既抠门又冷漠 who are all mean and cold to the touch.
我住在苏格兰，一个美丽的地方 I live in Scotland. It's a beautiful place.
对 Yeah.
苏格兰是一个把肉炸了五道只是为了确认它们都死了的地方 Scotland, the country where they fry the food five times to make sure it's dead.
一个发明了培根味漱口水的地方 The country that invented bacon-flavoured mouthwash.
这里所有的人都用一个腔调讲故事 The country where everybody ends their stories with the same phrase.
不管是向15岁的人讲还是85岁的人讲 It doesn't matter if you're talking to somebody who's 15 or 85.
他们都会给你一模一样的答案 你问“额，你星期天平常都做什么？” They'll tell you the same story, "So what did you do on Saturday?"
“哦，真是太妙了，邀上一群哥们” "Oh, it was really lovely, you know,we had a few friends around,
“大家一起吃个超棒的午饭” "we had some lunch, it was really great.
“之后散散步，看看湖光山色” "And we had a wee walk,had a look at the loch and all that.
你知道，水雾来了，那真是美极了 "You know, the mist came down,it was gorgeous.
接着来几瓶冰爽的酒 "And then, you know,couple of wee glasses of wine, very nice."
“然后呢？”“嗯，我不知道，我就。。。” "So, what happened then?" "Oh, I don't know, I was like that..."
And then...
很早以前你就对威尔士有看法了 You long ago decided what you think of the Welsh.
英国人总是嘲笑威尔士人的贵族气 English people are always laughing at the noble Welsh people.
(MAN HOOTING)
好人，要不他们就是多愁善感的，随时准备 Beautiful people. But you have decided they're all maudlin, inbred
用威尔士人的宏亮嗓子放声歌唱 trolls, liable to burst into song at any time.
他们四肢又短，身上还有味道，你敢说你不是这么想的？ Because they're so short-legged and smelly. That's what you think, isn't it?
爱尔兰人，你老早就对这群可怕的人没想法了 The lrish, you long ago dismissed as fearful,
酗酒，不守时，不可靠，但是非常迷人 drunken, unpunctual, unreliable and very charming.
有点像难以驾驭一辆破车的感觉 Charming in the sense of being incapable of running a chip van.
爱尔兰太乱了，我们不像你们一样脑子清醒 'Cause lreland got messed up, you know, we're not cool-headed people like you.
爱尔兰被搞乱了，就他妈的因为钱 Ireland got messed up.Fucked really, by money.
因为以前这里的人从来不用钱，他们对钱没概念 'Cause people couldn't cope with it,they'd never had money.
你知道人们老早就能把石头变成配菜和烩饭 People made soup and salad and risotto out of stones for hundreds of years.
一百年来人们都按照老法子做，突然有一天菜单变了 Imagine you doing that for hundreds of years, then one day their menu changes.
上面写着“石头，石头，石头，白粉，就这些了” And it goes, "Stones, stones, stones, cocaine! That's what you're having."
所以你丫被搞昏了 So, people lost it.
人们站在大街上交易“我打算用我的裤子换你的外套，怎么样？” They're on the street going, "I'll buy your jacket if you buy my trousers."
搞得他们现在一无所有了 Now they have nothing.
对钱太感情用事了 Far too emotional to deal with money.
你知道他们有一个帝国 Not easy, you were people who had an empire.
Three-cornered hats and long scrolls，and everybody walking around saying, 到处有人戴着三角帽和长书卷走来走去，发号施令
“扩大果酱的出口量，进口猫咪，我们现在入侵到哪里了？” "Export more marmalade and import more cats, where are we invading now?"
你们还打算这么做，把什么都没有的城市炸得稀烂 You're still doing that. You're still bombing countries that have nothing.
你们已经拥有一切了，一个相当不错的毛巾架，或者一对乳环？ You have everything.Decent towel rails, nipple rings.
或许一货车的乳环，南多或者随便你想要的东西 Probably whole shelves of them.And Nando's or whatever.
你为毛要轰炸这些国家，难道是为了沙漠？ And you're bombing countries that have sand?
他们就只有剩沙了 That's all they have.
真的 Really.
在这个世界上有两种人，两种不同的国家 There's two kinds of people,and two kinds of nations in the world.
你知道，有一群人 。。。比如 You know, there's... You got your
和你是一类的人，你们理性冷静，我称之为beckers的一类 people like you, cool-headed people.I would call you beckers.
你希望所有事都是有次序的，你hold住一切 You keep everything inside. You beck it.
还有一类人他们是不安分者，地中海人，爱尔兰人 And then the shakers.Arabs, mediterranean people, lrish people.
他们总想从现状中摆脱出来 People who have to get things out.
而你在努力维持现状 You know? You keep it in.
你看那些阿拉伯国家的革命发生得有多快 Look how quickly the revolution happened in the Arab nations.
一夜之间，所到之处，战火都点燃了 Overnight, the touch paper was lit, (POPPlNG) it all went off.
在这个国家发动一场革命要多长时间？ How long would it take for a revolution to happen in this country?
多少次你穿过对街的银行的时候，咒骂为什么动乱不发生 How many times would you have to be fucked sideways by the banks for that to happen?
几万年来，人们总是把报纸揉成一团，一走了之 Ten thousand years of people wandering round rattling their newspapers going...
“我真的想！” "l mean really!"
4万年前人们则放下手中的茶几 Another 40,000 years of people settling their tea cups
笃定地说，“我只是，你怎么看。。。。” a little heavily saying,"I'm just, you know... I...
“好吧，我也不知道” "l don't know." And they...
十万年前才有人敢站起来说 A hundred thousand years before somebody stands up and says,
“真他妈的让我受够了！” "This is actually getting on my wick."
而现在。。。我们都很少再去谈论政治了 Now, you... I'm not gonna be talking about politics for too long
因为一切都令人感到绝望 because it's so depressing,the people involved are depressing.
你知道你该怎么做 And you know what you think anyway.
我们无需为政见不同而针锋相对 You don't need me to argue with you about that.
我们是在一个频道上的 You know where you are on the spectrum
你心里明白那些数据是怎么回事 and you know what you think of the figures.
有些人不喜欢卡梅隆先生 Some people don't like mr Cameron.
不光他本人，也不喜欢他的空气魔方 mr Cameron and his cube of air.
他好像不知道应该把这东西往那搁，不管怎么说 He doesn't seem to know where to put that thing down. Anyway...
他就是找不到一个合适的地方放它 He can't find a place for it.
我想根源是因为他离不开它 I think the reason he can't get rid of it
它是这个庞大的社会的必须要素 is because it contains the essence of the Big Society,
但是没人稀罕它 and nobody wants that shit.
还有一些人 Some people
不喜欢克莱格先生，把人放在一个玻璃盒子里 don't like mr Clegg,the token human being in a glass box
不准人家碰任何东西 who's not allowed to touch anything.
“你好，尼克，你感觉怎么样”“我觉得这个音乐不错” "Hey, Nick. What's up?" "l like music."
“好了，谢谢你” "Thanks, Nick." And then...
有些人根本不在乎强烈的反对声 Some people don't care for the ferocious opposition.
（咆哮）狼獾爱德米利班德是什么鬼东西？！ (GROWLlNG) What a wolverine Ed miliband is.
整整一年的时间他试图清理掉 He's been trying to clear not just a fur ball but an entire cat
他喉咙上的毛球甚至整张狼皮（清嗓） from his throat for a whole year.(CLEARlNG THROAT)
但是，你懂的。。 But you know what you think.
我意思是，你们挺靠谱的 I mean, you know where you are on the spectrum.
你要么是左翼要么是右翼 You're left or you're right, really. That's it.
如果你是左翼，真的，你太无趣了 You know, and if you're left wing,you're boring. That's the truth.
没人想要约你出去闲逛 Nobody wants to hang around with you.
你要不是二逼，你就是在装逼 You're very dull,you're the voice of conscience.
有个人对你说“现在，把它放下， You know, the one saying,"Now look, put it down.
我想这对我们俩都有好处” We should all be nice to one another."
“今天我们试试不要吃任何东西，好吗？” "Let's try and not eat everything today.Okay?"
不能再蠢了 Very dull voice.
右翼怎么样？专制，还很堕落，但是很坦率 The right wing? Cruel, yes. Vicious, certainly. But honest.
至少不会说一套做一套 Not a sophisticated philosophy, it just says,
只会说“怎么办？是把它吃了还是扔了怎么滴？” 'What is this? Do we fuck it or eat it?
“让我们对半分”(咆哮) "Let's try half and half." (GROWLlNG)
我忘了，你可能是自由派 Now, you might be liberal.You could be. I forgot.
你可能是个事儿逼，想得多还总是烦人 You could be, you could be one of those thoughtful, troublesome people.
你说“事情是这个样子的。。。 People who say, 'Well, things are actually a little bit like this
但是它可能有点那个啥。。。” and a little bit like that."
“那么，就照你说的去做吧” "So, let's do whatever you say."
“如果你没有自己的信念，你就不能坚定立场” If you're liberal, you have no purpose.
打个比方，你就是一件放在厨房里从来没被用过的玩意 You are the thing in your kitchen you never use.
有一次你一头脑发热从超市里把它买回家 Something you bought once when you were out at a market, feeling frisky.
你带走这件东西，到家以后，把它放在橱柜里 You bought this thing. You came home.You put it in a drawer.
一年两次，你把它拿出来，疑惑“这到底是用来干嘛的” Twice a year you take it out and you go, 'What the fuck is this thing anyway?
“你想拿它怎么办？” "What're you supposed to do with this?"
然后你家的那位跑过来告诉你 And the person you live with tells you it does nothing.
“把它放在鸡蛋上，它会把蛋打碎，然后蛋黄和蛋白就分开了” "lt goes up to eggs and it squeezes them, then it leaves them alone.
“你为什么会想买这种东西？” "Why did you buy the fucking thing?"
你不知不觉就变为一个小环保主义者 You might even be a little green person.
(尖嗓音)对我们环保天使来说 (lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE)The little green people.
“爱护花花草草” People who say, "mind the planet.
“保护小猴和小鱼” "Be nice to the monkey and the fishes.
“让我们用人体体液做自己的衣服吧” "Let's make our own clothes out of body fluids."
“确实，他们所说都没错” Now, these people, everything they say is pretty much correct
“关于地球和环境，但是没人听他们说的” about the planet and the environment and so on but nobody listens to them anyway.
他们是生活在餐桌上的素食主义者 They are the vegan at the dinner table of life.
一个人经过你家，给你说“我饿了” People who come to your house and say, "I'm hungry."
你说“进来吧，我正准备杀掉他们”，然后他说 And you go, "I'll try and feed them."And they say,
“我是一个素食主义者！”，“见鬼” "I'm vegan." And you go, "Fucker.
“那里有把电筒，麻烦你自己到花园里看看有什么吃的” "Here's a torch, go into the garden and see what you can find, okay?
“不要来烦我” "Leave me alone."
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
他们告诉你“吃豆类就足够你获得一切所需营养” They tell you, "You can get everything you need from pulses and lentils
此外你还能得到所以的东西除了公司 "and things like that." Yeah, everything you need except company,
因为还没等到你拥有一个公司，你已经死了 which is not to be had because you are dying,
尸体蜷缩在自己放的臭屁里 bent double in a miasma of your own toxic farts.
So...
所以你们肯定不想变成那样 So you know where you are.
你们看这个体制有多失败，威斯敏斯特，开销 And people, look at all the systems that failed, the Westminster, the expenses,
爱尔兰的慈善机构也倒闭了 the church in lreland collapsed and the banks...
好在银行倒不了 Banks didn't really collapse here 'cause
因为政府说“我们会处理一切” the government said, "Oh, we'll deal with all that."
他们到银行里，说 And they went up to the banks.and they went, "Oh, you guys.
“你，就是你，你就像还在高校一样，去把医院关了” "You're just like when you were in college.Close the hospital."
他们。。。 And they...
现在媒体 And now the media...
自己也分崩离析了 It's falling apart and...
当你终于赶上时代的节奏的时候 When you got that pace of change,
你发现自己老了 you feel old.
“我力不从心” "l can't help that. I feel old."
如果你现在20多岁，你不可能意识到的 Now, if you're 20 or 25, you're probably not that aware anyway.
生活在什么样的政府下，对你真的不重要 It doesn't really matter what government you live under.
如果你是年轻人，你生活在一个为‘性’至上的时代 If you're a young man, you know you live in a sexual tyranny anyway
你的鸡鸡是金正日，性可以左右一切 and your penis is Kim Jong.Sex decides everything.
你把车开进沟了，你躺在沟里想 You can have a car crash.You lie in the ditch thinking,
“这个时候应该采用那种性交姿势？” 'What is the erotic twist in the situation?
“我不可能看得到它” "l can't quite seem to see it yet."
是的，我不清楚，我过了那个年纪 Yeah, I don't know. I'm at that age.
反正我不清楚，一个男人到了多少岁的时候 Which is, I don't know what the number is
当他走进厨房，她妻子在那里 but it's roughly the age in a man's life when he walks into his own kitchen
她盯着他看 and his wife looks up to him
开始自顾自地唠叨，我不知道为什么 and begins to tell him stories.I don't know why, really,
about other women she knows，who are married to other men 她要说一个她认识的女人，嫁给另一个男人
那个男的在什么时候突然死了 roughly his age, who suddenly died
当时他正在做的事 doing something remarkably similar
和你正打算做的事惊人地相似 to whatever you happen to be doing at the time.
那就是在家晃荡，骂骂咧咧家里没有奶酪吃了 Wandering around complaining.there isn't enough cheese in the house.
到你到这个年龄，你突然发现 It's the age you when you get the idea,
你不知道为什么，你开始得到年轻人的 you somehow get the idea that you suddenly deserve respect
尊敬 from younger people
他们甚至都不知道你的存在 who don't even know you're there
就决定了要不要尊敬你 to decide whether they can respect you or not.
他们无视你，因为他们正忙着捣腾他们的机器 They don't know you're there 'cause they're too busy with machines.
登录电脑，手机，或者其他电子产品 Logged on to machines,computers and phones and so on.
年轻一代都不知道怎么独处，和人相处 People don't know how to be alone any more or in company.
当他们一个人待着的时候，他们就对着电脑屏幕 'Cause when they're alone,they fuck about with the computer
你要和他们说话的时候，只能通过手机找到人 and when they're talking to you,they've got a phone.
他们周围的机器实在太多了 And they much around with that.
你知道，我问小屁孩“你在干嘛？” You know, I said to him,"What are you doing?"
我在下载一张乌贼的图片 "I'm downloading the picture of a squid."
啊？ Why?
要不他们就是在摆弄他们的手机 Or they talk and they're fiddling with their phone.
“你在干嘛？这是什么？” "What're you doing? What is it?"
“应用程序”“好吧，它可以做什么？” "It's an app." "Well, what does it do?
“它酷毙了” "What does it do? What's so great about it
“就因为它打断了我们的谈话？” that it justifies interrupting our conversation?"
“它可以测量沙从多远的地方来” "lt measures sand from a distance."
“你没事吧？” "What's wrong with you?
“这个能干啥？”“它告诉你芹菜的燃点” "What does that one do?" "lt tells you the burning point of celery."
“你满嘴屁话，知道吗？” "You're fucked up, you know that?"
电子产品无处不在，我们生活在这个时代 They're everywhere. We're living in a machine culture.
所有的大超市都有买 There are machines in the supermarket.
机器人（信号声） Robots. They blip, blip.
太尼玛不人性化了！ This is de-humanising!
为此我们失去了多少次交流的机会 I miss the conversations.
我还是比较喜欢和一位女人或是男人聊天 I enjoyed standing there,talking to the lady or the man saying,
“谢谢，不过我不需要一个包，我没有忠诚卡。”“我看起来是不是像白痴？” "No, I don't want a bag. No, I don't have a loyalty card. Do I look like a fucking cretin?
“我把这包饼干打开了，逛街的时候我喜欢吃它，它帮助我集中精力” "I'm sorry the biscuits are open. I like to eat while I shop. It helps me focus.
“我也要” "Give me the things."
当你在一个商店的时候，你不能让一个铁片机器人停止发出声音 With a tin blip. You can't put a machine that goes blip
在一个杂货店 in a grocery shop.
你需要跟人说话 You know, you need to talk to people.
这是一个移民城市 This country is made up of ethnicities.
爱尔兰人，巴基斯坦人，孟加拉人 Of lrish people and Pakistani people and Bengali people and ltalian people, people
意大利人，加勒比人，非洲人，世界各地的人 from the Caribbean, people from Africa,people from everywhere.
这些文化交融在一起 These cultures talk.
如果你硬要放机器人在商店里，麻烦你给它们不同的文化特征 You know? If you're going to put robots in supermarkets, at least give them an identity.
如果是个爱尔兰机器人，它就不止叮叮叫了 Put lrish robots in there so they don't just go blip,
它会说“干嘛买这么多芒果？” they go, "Ah, that's a fierce lot of mangoes,
“你打算拿它们干嘛？” "what're you gonna do with them now?"
如果是意大利机器人 Put ltalian robots in there that go,
（意大利口音）“嗯，我要买这些豌豆” (lN lTALlAN ACCENT)'Well, I make you a deal on the beans.
“麻烦你把你的头盔拿下来再和我说话” "You take off your top and talk to me.We work things out.
“你说什么？得了吧” "What do you say? Come on here."
法国机器人 French robots.
（法国口音）“你是不是觉得我比其他机器人都小？” (lN FRENCH ACCENT) "You think I'm smaller than the other robots, do you?
“是吗？是吗？你肯定这么想的，但是我不小，我是机器王！” "Do you? Well, I'm not, you know.I'm not. I am a king!"
德国机器人（德国口音） German robots. (lN GERmAN ACCENT)
“你老板会给你真的钱吗？” "Have you actually got the actual money on your person?
“让我看一下，你确信你有钱付它？” "Can I see it please? Are you sure you can pay for this?"
爱尔兰对德国人有一种复杂的感情 Irish people have a very strange relationship with Germany at the moment.
有点敬畏，又有点害怕 Lot of respect and fear.
“求你，求你包养我们吧” And... "Please, please feed us."
不，你休想得到什么 No, you don't give a shit.
你不向任何人乞求，你也不会帮希腊人，对吗？ You're not bailing anybody out, are you? You're not going to help the Greeks.
因为这就是英国人就是这样干的 'Cause this is the English mind. You don't fucking...
你对全世界都不在乎 You've made up your mind about the whole world.
你对希腊人说“我不会帮你的” You look at the Greeks and you go,"I'm not helping you.
“你就是个有点土地和旧铺子的西班牙佬，走吧” "You're just a slightly soiled,shop-worn Spaniard. Go away."
因为，你时刻提醒自己，这是一个帝国 You know, because this place was an empire.You have to remember.
大不列颠主义 Rule Britannia.
记起来了吗？在英国，你必须 Remember all that? Britain, you know, did
赶在它变成一座暴动不安的城市之前，制定新规则 rule the waves before it became a permanently moored prison boat full of the disaffected.
(STUTTERlNG)
个人所得税高得惊人 It was quite inflated
因为在它变成一个被全世界嘲笑的十一税国家之前 'cause you were an empire, you were very powerful before you became
它还是个强大的帝国 an eleventh rate nation that everybody in the world laughs at.
在大不列颠的一些地区，你知道我指的是哪来吗？ And then there was the era of Cool Britannia. Remember that?
就是托尼·布莱尔来回巡游的那些地区 You know, when Tony Blair was around
其中很多是曼切斯特地区 and those cool British bands,a lot of manchester bands.
那些地区的人有一种很独特的步伐 They all had that very distinctive walk.
注意看啦 You'd see the manchester roll,
非常搞笑的步子 their walk was a very interesting walk. It was this kind of...
我特别观察过他们都是这么走的 I was looking at their walk and they all did this.
我想这个步子是神马意思？我意识到 I was like, what is that walk saying?And I realised
这是刚刚从监狱里出来的人走路的样子 it's the walk of somebody who's just got out of prison
他们刚被无罪释放了，虽然他们知道他们有罪 and they've been acquitted but they know they're guilty.
这就是不列颠 This was in the era of Blairism.
你还记得那句至理名言吗？ You know? You remember that philosophy?
一个真理告诉我们 The belief system that held that
如果你向上帝微笑，最终会得到上帝的眷顾 if you smiled hard enough into the face of God, you would eventually shit money.
So...
有一种现象 One of the things
在英国非常普遍 that's very striking about Britain
就是等级制度卷土重来 is the class system. And class is back.
人们又开始谈论阶级了 People are talking about class again.
大庭广众下谈论 Using these playground words.
从街头混混到公子哥儿 Chavs and toffs.
我感到奇怪，因为我没想到 I found that very weird 'cause I wasn't aware of a class system
等级制度会在英国滋长起来，这看起来不太可能 growing up in lreland. There didn't seem to be a class system.
反正我搞不清楚，对每个人是不是都是这样 Not that I knew about anyway. There just seemed to be everybody
四个有大房子的人在那里 and then there was four people over there who had big houses
只是你不知道他们的存在而已 but you didn't know them.
在我看来英国人就喜欢搞等级制度 It seems to me British people like the class system.
你就喜欢把人分装在不同的盒子里 You like to have little boxes to put people in.
你崇拜贵族阶级 You know? You like to have aristocrats,
他们有四套说辞，你根本搞清楚他在说啥 people with four sets of teeth. Nobody understands what they're saying.
他们住在巨大潮湿，有猎犬的别墅里 They live in big, draughty houses that smell of wet spaniel.
对他们的姓津津乐道 And they have all the fun with their surnames
他们称呼你，#%&……$*/先生！ 'cause they're called things like mr Tresorius-Bletchly-Sarasingle-Pukington
但是真正有钱的是那些中上阶级 and so on. And there's the upper-middle class who actually have all the money.
而且他们更喜欢他们的名字 And they have all the fun with their first names
因为那是受过洗礼的 'cause the child is christened or baptised
但是从那以后不会叫那个名字，他们只用小名 but it's never called by that name afterwards. It's always known by a nickname.
Johnty, Ning, Nong, Biff, Squiff,Titface等等 Johnty, Ning, Nong, Biff, Squiff, Titface, whatever is it, go on.
“来吧，我们正准备去滑雪呢” "Come on, we're going skiing again for no reason."
为什么人人要去滑雪呢？ Why would anybody want to go skiing?
你明明可以窝在舒适的厨房里，用锤子猛敲自己的膝盖嘛 You could sit in the comfort of your own kitchen and break your knees with a hammer.
弱智儿童乐趣多 What is the human impulse?
这些人都打过鸡血啦？ What's wrong with these people?
我觉得他们是过得太舒适了 I think it's because they're so closeted, their lives are so comfortable,
他们把危险当消遣 they actually seek out danger as a pastime.
如果你很穷，你不会寻求刺激，因为你每天都被危险困扰 If you're poor, you don't go and look for danger 'cause you're surrounded by it.
你的住处不安全，你的邻居很危险 Your accommodation is dangerous,your neighbours are dangerous.
你的家当相当轻便，你自己也居无定所 Your own family are pretty handy. You probably have a couple of moves yourself.
晚餐可以把你呛死，所以你根本不用去自找麻烦 Your dinner can fucking kill you anyway so you don't have to go and look for danger.
要想了解英国思维的精髓 I mean, probably, the key
绝对要知道‘射手座’，一个电台节目 to the English mind is The Archers, the radio programme.
但是现在它已经不是我所熟知的了 Now, it's not a programme I'm hugely familiar with
每次背景音乐一响起，我从厨房飞奔过去 because every time the theme music comes on, I leap across the kitchen
按掉那个该死的按钮 with an athleticism I don't actually possess
我从来没觉得我的运动神经有那么发达 in search of the "Fuck off" button on the radio.
今年我得到几个新词 I've caught a few phrases over the years
就像一个非常脑残的人 and I gather it's about some people who are very, very worried
急着把土豆片送到宴会上 about getting the crisps to the fete on time.
也不管它合不合大家的胃口 No wonder everybody's hooked.
你们不觉得这里很热吗？ Is it just me or is it hot in here?
还是只有我一个人觉得热？ It is, isn't it?
Ah!
南方天气总是很热 It's always hot in the south.
你们是不是都住在夏威夷的小店里,不是吗？ I mean, you people, you live in a permanent kind of Hawaiian buffet anyway, don't you?
大部分人都在钢鼓乐队混过 most of you are in a steel band. That's another
你还嘲笑北方女人，星期五和星期天晚上 thing you laugh at in the North. You laugh at the woman who goes out dressed
打扮得像个粽子一样的就出门了 on a Friday or Saturday night, in string.
你觉得太滑稽了 You think that's all very funny.
这是一个非常好的理由 And you know what? There's a very good reason for that.
因为北方女人，比如在纽克斯特或者利兹的 It's because that Northern woman in Newcastle or Leeds or wherever
必须经过一个漫长的冬天 has had to get through the winter
你完全没有想过 and the dark, a thing you know nothing about.
我曾经在这里见到过冬天，那不是下雪 I've seen pictures of the winter down here. I know that's not snow.
那是一个被你扔在一边的过期的冰激凌 It's just an over production of cream cheese you left outside.
你们根本就不知道什么是灾难 You people don't know about suffering.
她之所以会穿成这样子都是因为天气，你也会和她们一样 She goes out dressed like that 'cause of the winter and what it does to you.
前14个月你勉强支撑 The first 14 months of the winter are okay.
但是你不久就到崩溃的边缘了 Then you get a bit fucking edgy.
这就是为什么她买了一件 That's why she goes and buys an outfit
会占去她半个衣柜的衣服 that costs more than the rest of her wardrobe
它只不过重达十分之一盎司 even though it only weighs a tenth of an ounce,
而且就像核聚变的颜色 is the colour of nuclear fusion
且覆盖了她的整个曲线 and just about covers the entry points to her body.
她对这件衣服狂叫 She's giving a message with this piece of clothing. She's saying,
“滚！离我远点！我不想跟你说话” "Fuck off. Leave me alone.I don't want to talk to you.
“我要走了，我不想和你废话" "I'm going out. I don't want to talk to you
"要不你是的哥或者看门人" "unless you're a taxi or a doorman
“或者你可以变成 Bacardi Breezer（酒名），现在可以滚了” "or somebody disguised as a Bacardi Breezer.Leave me alone."
正常人的反应 A perfectly sane reaction.
黑夜创造出一切 The dark creates all kinds of things.
黑夜操作了一些特别的音乐 The dark creates music,particular kinds of music.
可怕的民谣，你根本不想听 Horrible folk music you don't want to listen to.
还有重金属，他们喜欢在黑暗的地方 And heavy metal which they love in dark places.
在斯堪的纳维亚很流行，那里出了很多金属乐队 They love it in Scandinavia. They have all these metal bands, you know?
他们和英国的美国的都不一样 And they're not like the English ones or American ones
他们命名为，像metallica and megadeth that have names like metallica and megadeth and so on.
因为，虽然在斯堪的纳维亚他们都说英语 The names are... 'Cause English isn't their first language
但是好像英语不是他们的第一语言 in Scandinavia even though they all speak it.
所以他们的乐队叫‘菊花锤’ So they call their bands things like Anus Hammer.
‘蛋蛋走私者’，就这些 Egg Smuggler, all that stuff.
真的很很逗，该有的你都有了 It's a very interesting look, heavy metal, you know. You have everything down here.
重金属，爵士，斯卡舞 You've got jazz and ska and everything, you know.
还有民谣 Whatever, folk music, too, probably.
唱民谣的有自己的衣服 Folk music has its own look. It has a...
他们穿着‘工装裤’，“我看起来像女的还是男的” You know, people wear dungarees 'cause they say, "I'm a man or a woman of the people.
“但是这不是重点” "This isn't my main thing, you know.
“我就喜欢这样子” "I'm just like you really.
“我的工作就是拔萝卜” "my main job is harvesting turnips.
“不管怎么样，接下来是‘低地上斗鸡眼的玛丽’” "Anyway, this next number is called Cross-eyed Mary of the Lowlands.
“我想把这首歌献给我的妻子” "I'd like to dedicate it to my wife."
你知道的，爵士乐 And then there's jazz, you know,
人们穿着奇装异服 where you get people in suits but they're non-conformist suits
粉色衬衫，搭绿色仔裤，配蓝色领带 'cause they're wearing a pink shirt with a green jacket and a blue tie
那裤子太难以形容了 and trousers too complex to describe.
他们会说“我穿这样因为我为自己工作” 'Cause they're saying, "Yes, I'm wearing a suit but I work for me.
“我的工作是开自动化拖拉机直到凌晨5点” "And my job is to play the electrified tractor horn till 5:00 in the morning, so fuck you."
重金属的服装也很搞笑 Heavy metal is a very interesting look.
这些衣服是一种反叛 The look is a kind of an argument.
对达尔文主义的论辩 It's an argument against Darwinism.
因为那些穿它的人会说 Because what the people who are involved are saying,
好不好看根本就不干你屁事 is that attraction is not necessary for reproduction.
他们把该长毛的地方剃掉 That's why they shave all the hair off where it would naturally be
再把它们移植到不该长毛的地方 and cultivate it in places it shouldn't be.
所以他们的音乐很抓狂 And that's why the music is so angry.
你知道，如果把你屁股上的毛都剃了，让你穿上一条皮裤 You know, if you shave all the hair off your arse and get into a pair of leather trousers,
你也能唱重金属了 you're gonna sing an angry song.
好的民谣肯定不会写与贾斯丁在巴黎疯狂的夏天 It's not gonna be some wistful ballad about that crazy summer in Paris with Justine.
“我死在早上，我为早餐而死” It's going to be much more, "Death in the morning, death for breakfast.
“小水壶被烤死” "Little pots of toasted death."
重金属就是这样诞生的 Heavy metal is what happens
当一群外表很恶心的人 when a group of people with competitively disgusting appearances
走到一起，对着空气咆哮 come together to try to kill air.
不，一定程度上 No, partly...
很大程度上，是因为年纪的原因 Partly, that is probably age speaking.
我只是看不惯这些 I just can't tolerate certain things, you know.
对于20几岁的人来说，你很容易就能接受它们 It's easy if you're 20 or 25 to put up with that shit.
但是话说回来了，什么对于你们都是容易的 But then again, so much is easy when you're 20 or 25.
你醒了，你坐起来，吃你的早餐 You know, you wake up, you sit down,you eat breakfast,
出门瞎逛，成天大话 you walk outside,you talk bollocks all day long,
遇到某人，和他上床 you find somebody, go to bed with them.
星期三就过了 That's a Wednesday.
等到你到一定的年龄，你会发觉世道艰难 If you've been on the planet for a certain period of time, it gets much harder,
同样，你坐起来，你瞪着你的早餐 you know? 'Cause you sit down,you look at your breakfast
你开始神游 and voices kick in.
你靠神游活着 'Cause you've acquired voices just by being alive.
有一个声音说“你不应该吃早餐，尼玛还嫌不够肉吗？” So part of you is going, "You don't deserve breakfast, you fat fuck.
“昨天你已经吃过早餐啦！” "You had breakfast yesterday.
另一边传来声音“你真的准备坐在这，对它流口水” "Are you really gonna sit there and slobber over this shit again
在你挂掉之前 "before you bumble off?
“一整天你都要假装是个人样，卧槽” "To pretend to be a person all day long, you fucking thing.
“你让我恶心” "You disgust me."
你在中间徘徊不定 You're in the middle of it, thinking,
“别这样，我只是想吃早餐而已” "Leave me alone, I just wanna eat my breakfast."
另一个声音又在你耳边响起 And the other voice kicks in going,
“糖浆，糖浆，你应该比其他人多得的！” "more jam. more jam! You deserve more jam than these other fuckers.
“把它悄悄放在荷包里，到厕所里来吃” "Put it in your pocket. Run off and eat it in the toilet.
“他们不会看见你的，赶快啊！” "They won't see you in there. Go on!"
岁月无情 This is age.
奇怪的事情发生了，但是没人提醒过你 And strange things happen that no one warns you about.
比如，你的梦想开始变得越来越无聊 Like, you know, your dreams become more boring.
没人跟我讲过会这样 Nobody told me about that.
你还是20岁的时候，你敢想任何你想要的 You're 20 or 25, you dream whatever you want.
你想象自己是一只可爱甜蜜的小天鹅 You dream that you are a swan made of honey
吃饱了像巴瑞·马尼洛（歌手）一样打嗝 burping little Barry manilows
我们都是 who are all
那种用圆规戳对方小腿的人 stabbing each other in the calf with compasses.
当你变老了，你有五个小时的时间去做梦 When you get older,you have a five-hour dream
梦里你被卡在有两个特易购（购物公司）大的走廊里 about being stuck in aisle two of Tesco's going,
“我的酸奶跑哪去了？它昨天还在这里的” 'Where's the yogurts? The yogurts was here yesterday. Where is the yogurts?"
这些是怎么发生的？ What's that about?
如果你睡着了 That's if you sleep.
谁可以睡觉？谁？ Who can sleep? Who sleeps?
如果你是一个正常发育的21世纪人 Really, if you're a proper gown-up person
一个成年人 in the 21st century and you're an adult human being,
你怎么可能完全放松？ how can you relax at all?
你的大脑在不停地转动 The mind keeps churning.
你想“如果这件事发生了怎么办？” You think, "What if this thing happens?Um-hmm?
“如果是那样的话怎么办？” "What if that thing happens?
“如果他们一起发生了怎么办？” "What if they happen together?
“如果我失业了怎么办？我恨我的工作，但是我不能失业” "What if I lose my job?I hate my fucking job, but what if I lose it?"
你的大脑就像一个嗡嗡叫的蜂巢 Your mind is a hive of worms
这些蜜蜂还不生活在一个蜂巢里，真他妈作怪 and worms don't live in a hive.so it already feels unnatural.
你躺在床上，旁边是你的伴侣 You lie in bed, you're beside your partner.
这样，那样 This thing, that thing.
“如果我死了会怎么样？” "What if I died?"
如果你独生，你只是想“如果我死了” If you don't have a partner,you just think, "What if I died?
“好吧，人终有一死” "Okay, I would be dead."
“但是如果你有妻子” But if you do have a partner,
“和儿女”那么“如果我死了，他们怎么办？” and a family, then "What if I died?How would they cope?
“他们不行的” "How would they? They wouldn't.
“他们可能会睡大街的” "They would be out on the street
“不到一个半小时，他们就会从海鸥嘴巴里偷吃的” "in half an hour stealing food from seagulls' mouths."
或者相反，他们可以独立 Or worse, they would cope!
住进更宽敞舒适的房间 They'd have a much nicer, cleaner house.
感觉自己更有价值，可能更有钱 And an improved sense of self worth.Probably more money.
无可避免地，你妻子在你死后三四天内找了另一个人 And inevitably, your partner would find somebody within the first three to four days
开始激情四射的性生活 and begin a tumultuous sexual relationship.
他们还会在你的床上做爱 They would be having sex a lot in your bed when you were dead.
无数次，白天，中午，晚上，半夜 The morning, the afternoon,the evening and the night time
在你死后，大多数时间他们都在你的床上瞎搞 would be the main times they would be having sex in your bed when you were dead.
用手喂对方龙虾吃，为了给 Feeding each other lobster with their bare hands
对方能量，好尝试更高难度的姿势 to give each other more energy to try it in new and more demanding ways.
当你意识到躺在你身边的这个人 When your realise you are lying besides somebody
正在等着你死的时候 who is waiting for you to die!
然后呢，他们缠绵在床上，打发时间 And what's more, they're sleeping to make the time go faster.
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
你是最后的 You are the last...
(口哨声) (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)(mAN WHlSTLlNG)
你是这世界上最后一个知道的人 You are the last sensitive, caring person on earth.
不准吹口哨 And don't fucking whifle... Whiffle?
不准对着我吹口哨，我们这代人会觉得很囧 Woof. Don't wolf whistle me.It's disconcerting at my age.
（口哨声）好吧，你可能是个年轻人 (mAN WHlSTLlNG) Okay,You're probably a young person,
你这样做可以，你听见口哨，你回头 it's fine if you do that. You hear that. You turn around,
可能一个风骚的人在另一边 might be somebody attractive at the other end.
如果你是个这个年纪，遇上这种事，你回看，你找死啊 If it happens to you at my age, you look round and there stands Death.
所以，不要对我吹口哨！ So, don't fucking wolfwhistle at me!
听着 Listen...
现在我的思路被打断 What's... I'm losing my thread now.
我从来没有，但是，不管怎么说，我没思路了 I never had one, but I lost it anyway, you know, l...
mmm...
对不起哈，我需要。。。 Uh, you know... I'm sorry, I need to...
我正在尝试做。。。 I was holding something.
比如说，这个。。。 And then, this... Um...
做运动没什么大不了的 Uh... Exercise does not have to be a big deal.
许多人都把它当成一种社会的竞争 A lot of people use that as a kind of social competition.
他们吹嘘“对啊，我正要去健身房呢” They boast, "Oh, yeah,I'm just going to the gym."
“我刚刚去游泳了”装逼啊！WK Or "Oh, yeah, I just had a swim." Fuck you!
这是在炫耀！ That is showing off! It's...
你其实可以做几个屈膝运动，随便在哪来都可以 You can work some simple knee bends in though, pretty much anywhere.
你知道，没有必要把它做为一个专门的事 You know, it doesn't have to be a big deal.
我压根没把它当回事，我只是 I'm not doing this as a thing. I'm just...
这件事。。。 Because, the thing is...
你可以做这件事当你觉得被点燃的时候，你可以在任何地方做这项运动 You can do it at... You can do it while you're being fired. You can do it anywhere.
“提姆，没有养老金哦，好吧，WC!” "What's that, Tim? No pension? Oh, yeah, okay. Fuck you!"
我可能没事干，但是我很柔软 I might be unemployed, but I'm supple.
我说过，放松不是一件容易的事 So... Yeah, it's so hard to relax,is what I'm saying.
你知道中年人的乐趣吗？ And there... People, people go funny in middle age, you know?
男人们去找点事干 men go funny. They
通常，他们有自己的爱好 get into things. You know, they get a hobby.
“我一直很喜欢木工” Say, "Yeah, I've always been interested in wood.
我一直没有提到这个，至到今天 "l just didn't want to say anything until now.
“我要走了，去做我的大木头” "l need to go and be with my big lump of wood."
他们会买一辆装逼的车，亮色系的外壳，亮瞎了你的狗眼 They get a silly car. You know, a bright coloured car that nobody else can fit inside
这样他们就可以假装低调地在他们的阴茎里开来开去 so they can pretend they can drive around in their own penis.
And, my thing...
我自己有一段时间对动作片 What happened to me was I got... I had this period of being addicted
非常有兴趣，惊悚片，现代的 to action films. Thrillers, modern thrillers.
真是傻逼啊，很傻很天真 Really stupid ones. You know, the stupider the better.
不是那种以前的在一辆车里面坐着的007 Not the old fashioned kind of James Bond one where he is in a car, you know?
他穿着笔挺的西装，女主角穿连衣裙 And he's got a sharp suit and a lady in a frock is there and
两个人一拍即合，还有两只脚悬空之类的 he clicks a pen and people's feet fall off and all that stuff.
现代的动作片，你根本搞清楚在讲什么 Not those. This is the modern one where you don't know what's going on,
最关键的是，哪个才是正义的一方？ and neither does the hero. That's the important thing.
人们看电影的时候都得了健忘症 Everybody has amnesia in the film.
故事一开始他穿越沙漠 And it begins with him running across the desert,
他从钉死在仙人掌上的蛇中取出几条 picking numbers out of snakes that have been nailed to cactuses.
因为这样才能解释他是谁，为嘛要这么做 'Cause that's somehow going to explain who he is and what he's supposed to do.
忽然他在一艘船上，用他的鞋垫杀了很多人 And then suddenly he's on a boat and he kills 1g people with his insoles.
然后呢，他发现他会说12钟语言 And then, you know, he finds out he can speak a dozen languages
他是一个出色的糕点师父 and he's an amazing pastry chef.
他可以用意念控制调味料 He can control condiments by thinking about them.
还有。。。。总之，烂片，如果杰森·斯坦森出演可能会好点 And... Rubbish, in other words. Even better if it's got Jason Statham in it.
(AUDlENCE HOOTlNG)
这些电影真的无敌傻X Those films, are unimprovably stupid
因为一开始他们就从把他从飞机里扔出来 because they begin with him being thrown out of an aeroplane.
他身上装了一根电线，连着他的心脏和屁眼 He's got one wire attached from his heart going to his arse,
另一根套在他脑袋一直到他老二上 another one going from his brain to his bollocks.
如果他拉错电线了，他就把眼睛吞了，吐出他的内脏 And if he pulls the wrong wire,he swallows his eyes, and vomits his liver.
他们太有创意了！太TM的爷们了！ They are fabulous!Exercises in homicidal manliness.
但是，换做你呢 And... Because that's what is happening to you.
你就是个小点，你的男子气概不见了 You're becoming a blob,so you outsource your masculinity.
你看杰森那么做 You watch Jason do all that stuff.
“去吧，杰森！打断他其他的锁骨！今天早上我得到一张违停罚单” "Go on, Jason! Break his other collarbone! I got a parking ticket this morning."
你看，他真的好MAN哦！他吃中饭都在流汗耶！ You see, he's such a man!Even his lunch sweats!
大多数男人算神马？几袋松软的腺体 He... most men are what?Nerveless bags of glands.
谁说了算，杰森！ You know, people who...Jason makes decisions!
多数男人，还有我，都会手足无措，犹豫不决 men, most men, me, most men get pole-axed by indecision,
只能到马槽 just walking in to Pret a manger...
杰森不是！他把整个TM的电线板拉下来！ Not Jason! He pulls the whole fucking circuit board out!
你看见了吧，多男人呀 That's how much of a man he is, you see?
多数男人都是野心勃勃的生物，你可以想象你的另一种生活 most men are ambiguous creatures. You can imagine another life for yourself.
你可以成为沃幸一家图书馆的胶水批发商 You could have become a library glue wholesaler
你还能成为一个 in Worthing. You might have been a
怀特岛上的自行车定做商 bicycle customiser in the lsle of Wight.
你也可以待在康沃尔郡修灯塔 You might have been somebody who repaired lighthouses in Cornwall.
和当地的一个水果商相爱了 And fallen in love with the local fruit seller
等到中年，你发现自己是个玻璃 in midlife, realised you were gay,
这些年来他一直对你有意思 and he has been nursing a crush on you for all these years
因为你一直来这边买红薯 'cause you'd been going in and out of there buying yams.
然后你搬到安达卢西亚 And then you move to Andalusia
开了一家小旅馆，里面提供一大堆的雪利酒 and open your own small B&B with an incredible range of sherries.
这些都有可能，但是对杰森来说，不可能！ It could happen, you know? But not to Jason!
他永远都不会和其他男人做爱！ Jason could never make love with another man. Never!
除非那个男的有情报 Not unless that man contained information
它可能是通过垃圾邮件里的病毒传播的 that could only be released through the enzymes in Spam.
我在说神马 You see what I'm saying?
我觉得同性恋仍然是个问题 I can remember when homosexuality was still an issue.
至少在一定程度上是的 And it still is to a degree
因为国教教会会说“你们可以有一个玻璃主教” because the Anglican church is saying, "Yes, you can have gay bishops
“但是他必须是独身主义者” "but they have to be celibate."
到底是有多藐视有个玻璃主教？ Which kind of defies the point of having a gay bishop, doesn't it?
重点是，除非你说 What's the point of being a gay bishop unless you can say,
“很高兴你在，这是我的朋友，杰夫” "Nice to be here. This is my friend Geoff."
但是 You know...
但是真相是直人有很多可以向Gay学习的 And the truth is that straight culture has a lot to learn from gay people.
我只和男人说话，不和女人说话，她们嘲笑别人，以此为乐 Now, I'm talking about men. I'm not talking about women. That's just jolly japes.
And the... (AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
是个女的都会这样做，这是主流观点 We'd all do that if we were girls.That is the mainstream view.
但是gay文化至少很诚实 But there is a lot of honesty in that culture
比我们诚实 that we don't have.
嗯，嗯，我说的是我们，很显然，我，还有其他直人 As, as... We, I say we, I mean me,obviously, and other straight people.
因为，我在杂志上看到过一个广告 Because, you know, I saw an ad
在美国，一个男人找男伴 in a magazine, in America.It was men looking for men.
我不是。。。我不是很能理解，但是我觉得他的坦诚让我印象深刻 And I was very... I didn't understand all of it, but I was very impressed by the honesty.
因为上面写着“棕色/绿色” Because it said, "Brown/green". Okay?
“毛茸茸的，并且多才多艺的” "Hairy and versatile."
如果你不会玩点小技巧，毛茸茸就没什么意义了 Which is good. There is no point being hairy unless you can turn a few tricks.
“但最最最重要的是，我们会一起做很多事情” "mainly top, mainly. But will do most things."
人们说浪漫已经是个古老的传说了 And people say romance is dead.
但是我最爱这个广告说 But my favourite ad on the page just said, "Anything!
“任何事，我可以做任何事！” "l will do anything!"
这是多么美妙的一刻啊~ Now, that is a wonderful position to be in.
当你走进某个人的房子，说 To know you can walk up to somebody's house, and say,
“这是一盒奶酪，这是我的萨克斯管，我的小猫咪去哪了？” "Here is the box of cottage cheese, here is my saxophone, where is that kitten?
因为在给婴儿换尿布的时候，你打出一击高C球，猫一定会跳到房顶上 "'Cause when we pack this baby and you hit a high C, that cat has to go over the roof.
“要不然我们不会吃我的袜子” "Otherwise we don't get to eat my shoes."
这真的是相当的直率 There is a wonderful directness about that.
直人则会觉得这样会好一点 It would be much better for straight people instead of all this
“GSOH，我喜欢在乡间漫步”没实质性内容 "GSOH, I love country walks" nonsense.
其实你完全可以说“过来，坐在我头上，非礼我的家具” Just give it to people and say, "Come around, sit on my head and insult my furniture.
“然后我们去散步！” "Then we'll talk!"
同性恋，当然，真的不用小题大做 Homosexuality, of course, is not a big deal any more.
我记得 I remember when it was.
它到现在已经被越来越多的人接受 You know, it's been adopted into the mainstream, very much so.
在主流的中心，简直可以算是好事了 It's at the heart of the mainstream, which is... Can only be a good thing.
现在你要脱离主流不是容易的事 I mean the mainstream... You have to work hard to be left out of the mainstream now.
因为大家都是这样的，你住在伦敦，什么人都见得着 'Cause it adopts a lot people. You know, you live in London. You see everybody.
你谁啊？埃雷托斯，穿了一双巨大的鞋的有点口吃的智利雕塑家 Who are you? Ernesto, the sculptor from Chile with the built-up shoe and a stutter.
请坐！ Come on in!
你叫什么名字？Quinn，没有上面一排牙齿，你是一个行为艺术家 What's your name? Quinn, with no upper teeth. You're a performance artist.
你自己做奶酪，一般是有目的的，欢迎！ You make your own cheese,sometimes on purpose. Welcome!
如果你是男人，关于性取向问题 I... You know, with sexual orientation,if you were a man,
一些人会遭遇中年危机 some people have a sexual crisis in their 30s.
一个30多岁的男人，你怎么知道自己是不是一个玻璃？非常容易 How would you not know if you were gay as a man if you're in your 30s? It's very simple.
如果你已经30岁了，你还穿小号的裤子 If you get to your 30s and you still take a small size in trousers,
那么你是个同性恋 you're a gay person.
多余的脂肪把所有的直男都掩盖了，所有的！ All straight men are covered in excess fat. All of them!
因为他们怀上了欲求不满和怨恨 Because they are pregnant with unused desire and resentment.
这就是为什么他们一直转动烧烤架 That's why you see them hanging around barbeques,
吃本来不想吃的汉堡 eating hamburgers they don't need.
“她说她再也不想和我上床了” Saying, "She won't make love to me anymore." (mlmlCKlNG EATlNG)
“可能是因为你太令她失望了或者你太胖了?” "maybe it's 'cause you're depressing and overweight?"
"够了！你也恨我！所以的人都恨我！ "Shut up! You hate me as well!Everybody hates me!"
“那边有只蝴蝶，烤了它！” "There is a butterfly. Grill it!" And then...
男人们通过烧烤发泄自己的不满 men express themselves through grilling. And the...
我们要停一会儿 We should stop talking for a bit.
因为。。。。你真的讲得太烂了 Because I have to... You're rubbish at talking.
待会我们再继续聊 I have to keep doing it.
现在，离开座位，去洗个澡，或者给对方一些南瓜 So, go away and have a bath or something. Or give each other some squash.
我们待会再见，谢谢，走了 And I'll see you shortly. Thank you very much. Bye.
（观众欢呼） (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
(mAN CHEERlNG)
(mAN WHlSTLlNG)
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
好滴，刚才你都干神马啦？ Okay, so what did you do in the interval?
观众1：喝酒 观众2：喝酒 mAN 1: Drink.mAN 2: Drink.
喝酒，喝酒，是滴，是滴 Drinking, drink, yes, you see.
好吧，我知道滴，我知道 Yeah, I know. Yes, yes.
喝酒，是你做的，最主要的事 Drinking, mainly, is what you were doing.
有点让我失望 You know, that's a little disappointing.
我也喝了，这就是我刚刚去干的事 I made out. That's what I did.
我不能控制我自己，我一直喝，一直 I can't help it. That's what I do,you know? All the time.
如果我不喝酒我会死的 I have to make out or I'll die.
我就像一只带着贝雷帽的鲨鱼 I'm like a shark in a beret.
但是有一件事，我不得不说，我现在在和你说话 I... You know the thing is... I'm... The truth is, look, I'm talking to you,
我们尝试和对方沟通 you know, we're trying to relate to one another.
但是，我和你不一样 But the truth is, I'm not like you.
我不是你们资产阶级 I'm not like you bourgeoisie.
坐在那边，坐在自己的衣服里 Sitting there in your clothes.
你们可以住在别墅里，还有屋顶结构的房子 You probably all live in houses or roofed structures.
这是出卖的标志 That's a sign of a sell-out.
我处在水生火热之中！ I live on the edge!
我是一个边缘人 I'm a very edgy person.
我走在一边，我没有乳头，这更符合空气动力学 I walk sideways. I don't have nipples,it's more aerodynamic.
我把自己藏起来，悄悄指责自己做的事 I sneak up on myself and accuse myself of things.
等会，等你回家，躺在自己的法兰绒上 Later on tonight, when you all are at home, in bed, in your flannels,
谈论着我有多棒 talking about how great I am,
我会出去，做每次我讲完一场以后做的事 I'm gonna go out and do what I do every time I hit a new town,
我出去，把我所能找到的火腿都买了 I'm gonna go out and buy up all the ham I can find.
然后把它们扔在电梯里 And leave it in a lift.
我希望你懂我在说什么 I think you know what I'm saying with that.
还有你怎么知道现代艺术就一定是好的？ 'Cause the thing about modern art is, how do you know if it's any good?
你得到了一幅现代艺术的代表作，就是一幅骷髅画 You get a representative piece of modern art, say, a skull,
用脆皮煎饼塞在眼窝里 with some Findus Crispy Pancakes stuffed into the eye sockets.
你怎么能肯定自己会喜欢这种东西？ How do you know if you should like it or not?
它画的是同一个主题 It's all about the title.
如果它自命不凡的称作‘爱的死亡’之类。。。。垃圾 If it's called something pretentious like The Death of Love that's... It's bad art.
如果它诚恳一点叫做有煎饼的骷髅头 If it's called something honest like Skull with Pancakes.
太好了，堪称完美！ that's bang on. That's perfect!
所以人都会认为它不凡 All men like to think they're cool.
啊，那是什么？是蛋糕吗？蛋糕，蛋糕，蛋糕啊！ Oh, what's that? Is that cake? It's a cake, it's a cake, it's a cake!
（坏笑） (LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)
mmm-hmm...
味道不错 mmm. This is good cake. mmm.
唯一的缺点，唯一的不足是 The only disadvantage,the only drawback to this
提到它的不足 and it is nitpicking to mention this...
当你还是孩子的时候，它真的是个好东西 mmm! Is that this stuff is great when you are a kid.
你知道，你会。。。。mmm,太好吃了 You know, you just... mmm, it's very good.
当你还是个孩子，你吃了它，马上你就把它转换成几英里的跑步 Instantly, you eat this as a child and you just convert it into extra miles to run.
当你们围在一起的时候 When you've been around a while,
你吃了一口，立马把它递给其他的传送者 you eat this, and you instantly convert it into extra pall bearers.
一个非常好吃的蛋糕 mmm, this is very good cake.
哇哈哈，谢谢你哈，不管你谁，好样的 Ah-ho. Thank you very much, whoever is responsible. Thank you. Good call.
The um...
我们刚说到哪儿了？ What were we talking about?
我想起来了，就是。。。 I don't know. Oh, yeah, stuff. That was it. And um...
我喜欢幻想我自己很NB So, you know, I like to think I'm cool.
是个男的都喜欢，认为自己很了不起 All men do. All men tell themselves they're cool.
你需要告诉自己这些，为了让自己活下去 You have to tell yourself this bullshit, just to keep going. You know?
我基本上达到了詹姆斯·邦德想成为的样子 I essentially think I'm what James Dean would have become
如果他还存在，并且发现碳水化合物和矫形鞋 if he'd survived and discovered carbohydrates and orthopaedic shoes.
我就是这么想的 That's what I tell myself.
这就是为什么我还会看这些电影 I suppose that's why I was watching those films, you know?
最后，我得出了我为什么沉迷于它们的原因 And the thing is, I worked out why I got addicted to them.
因为当那个混蛋到处乱跑的时候，所有的人都在追杀他 Because when the bloke is running around and everyone's trying to kill him
他完全搞不清状况，这是一个人到中年的隐喻 and he doesn't know what's going on,it's a perfect metaphor for middle age.
比如当你在自家厨房逛的时候 That's exactly how it feels when you're walking around your own kitchen,
抓着一大把你正在到处找的钥匙 clutching a bunch of keys that you're looking for.
你全家都在怨恨你，他们朝你吼 Your whole family hates you.They are shouting at you,
“尼玛到底想干嘛？！” "What the fuck are you doing now?"
“闭嘴，我几乎都快破解代码了，等一下” "Shut up! I've nearly cracked the code.Wait a minute."
你忘事，你健忘了 You forget things. You forget things.
名字，住址，神马你都搞忘了 Names, your address, all that stuff.
补贴金你是不会忘了的 The compensation is you remember things.
它们来之不易，因为你有一个忧郁灰色的过去 They come out of the blue because you have a past.
我记得一些事 I remember things.
尽管很多事没有意义 I remember... Some of them are not so useful.
我记得鹅卵石，旁边放了三根火柴 I remember avocado stones with three matchsticks in the sides
装在厨房水池旁边的一个玻璃杯里 in a shot glass, by the kitchen sink.
过去你曾经干过的一件事，就是得到一块鹅卵石 That's the thing you would do.You would get a stone of an avocado
然后用火柴棍支起它，然后把它放到玻璃杯里 and prop it up on the sticks and put it in a shot glass.
因为当你离开人世几天以后 Because then after you leave it there and after a couple of days,
你没有留下任何东西，除了一个在玻璃里的鹅卵石 you have...nothing.It's an avocado stone in a glass.
“我都搞了些什么？我应该好好过日子的” "What the fuck is wrong with me?I should get on with my life."
你把它扔出去 And you'd throw it out and, you know,
所以做一些有意义的事 do something useful. Um...
好吧，你知道 Well, you see, you know, that's...
我想到了人们的对话 I remember other things...I remember conversations.
人人都有和别人说过话 I remember people used to have them.
句子，人们用句子说话 Sentences, people would talk in them.
人们常常说“额，看见他我就不安” People would say things like,"Oh, I was very worried about seeing him
“但是我到那儿了，他很快就使我安心了” "but when I got there,he was quick to reassure me
“我们一起度过了一个美好的晚上” "and we actually had a lovely evening."
大概是十年以前，不是100年 That's 10 years ago, roughly. Not 100.
现在的人常常说“我这样，ugh!，他呢，duh!"”就这样 Now people just go, "l was like, ugh! And he was, duh!" That's it.
然后，然后就没什么好说的了 There's no time for anything else.
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
最后人们根本不想说话了，他们只是伸出他们的舌头 Eventually people won't use words at all. They'll just stick out their tongues
就像你手机屏上的小图标 and there'll be little icons like you have on the phone.
一张笑脸 Smiley face going...
我想谈尊重的概念，我是说，可能它听起来太土了 And I suppose the notion of respect. I mean, that sounds like such an old fashion word
以致于都不想说它，对吧？ even to say it, doesn't it?
但是你还是想获得年轻人的尊重 But you do, you imagine you'll get respect from younger people.
至少你可以得到你自己的孩子的尊重 And even from your own children you imagine you would get respect.
但是你没有，我有一个漂亮的13岁的女儿 You don't. I have a beautiful 13-year-old daughter.
可爱又聪明 Wonderful, intelligent person.
我想，人人都会这样说吧 I mean, any parent would say that. And...
这是事实 It's just true in this case.
我是说，不想其他家的孩子 I mean, it's not, not like other people's children.
当人们向你谈起他们的孩子的时候，“哈哈，哈哈” You know, people talk to you about their children and you go, "Ha ha,
“我看见你孩子了” "I've met your children...
“他们就像50年代的文件，不咋底” "They are like a documentary from the '50s. They are very dull people." And the um...
总之，我告诉我女儿 Anyway, I said to her,
“有一个展览会” "There is an exhibition on in town." I said,
“你想和我去吗？”“嗯，你意思是我们必须去吗？” "Would you like me to take you?" And she said, "Oh, do we have to?"
我说“当然不是啦，随便你，你想去我就带你去” I said, "No, of course not. I'm just saying if you want to go, I will take you.
“我觉得你会喜欢的，它可能对你有用处” "You might like it or it might be useful to you in some way."
她想了一会儿，然后她说 And she thought about it for a moment and then she said,
“好吧，我不介意如果我们不去” "Well, I don't mind if we don't go.
“但是如果我们去我也不在乎” "But if we do go, I don't care."
“我不得不去躺下” "I had to go and lie down.
我有一个9岁的儿子 I have a nine-year-old son.
每个男人都渴望得到他儿子的尊重 Every man imagines he is going to get respect from his own son.
这件事是必须得 It's a thing you have to have.
我看见我儿子，我亮了，我说“喂，今天你干嘛去了？” I see him, I light up, I say, "Hey! What happened to you today?
“今天在学校学到什么了？你出去玩了？发生什么了？” "How did you get on at school?Did you play outside? What happened?"
他甚至都不想和我说话！ He doesn't even speak to me!
他只是走过来，抓住你胃的底部 He just walks up to me,grabs the bottom of my stomach and goes
然后Blib-blib-blib，然后走了！ "Blib-blib-blib." And walks away!
去玩他愤怒的小鸟什么的 Walks away to play Angry Pigeons or what ever the fuck it is.
我不能阻止它发生在我身上 I can't help what's happening to my body!
我只好认为它是上天给我的一个礼物 And... It's a gift as far as I'm concerned.
它让我更同情女性 It makes you more empathetic with women.
因为你“身”有体会 'Cause you become more like them.
(AUDlENCE DlSSENTlNG)
不要和我讲女人 Don't talk to me about being a woman.
我知道的比你多得多了 I know a lot more about that than you!
因为你还是一个女孩 Just because you're a girl.
在我的脱口秀上不要讲我必须忍耐的事 Don't talk about the thing I have to put up with in my new state.
我不会说曾经用过的身体的一部分的名字 And I am not putting up with the names for the body parts that are used.
一个女人必须经历一段很长的忍耐 That women have had to endure for a long time.
这是很不尊重人的，我不会直说它的 It is deeply insulting.I will not be objectified like this.
我不能容忍那些无聊的字眼！ I am not tolerating the word moobs!
它们不是男性的乳房！它们很圆润！ They are not moobs! They are mests!
它们是智慧的徽章 And they are badges of wisdom.
哦，不要说我是女权主义者！ Oh, don't get feminist on me!
我不是个女权主义者因为我是个男的，我没被授权 Look, I'm not a feminist 'cause I'm a man, I'm not qualified.
不像大多数女性，我做不了女权主义者 You know, I can't be a feminist.Just like most women.
如果要把女权看做很严肃的事的话 If women were serious about feminism,
女权主义者常常商讨 they would have everything that feminists talked about getting.
如何获得平等的报酬，明天你就会实现了 Equal pay, you could have that tomorrow.
如果一个女的能停止发牢骚五分钟 If women would give up bitching about one another for five minutes.
不过这看起来不太可能 Which doesn't seem to be possible.
(AUDlENCE WHlSTLlNG) (AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
不是4分钟，不是3分钟，不是两分钟，不是一分钟 Not for four, not for three, not for two, not for one.
你知道有个很牛逼的女人，昂山素季 You know that amazing woman,Aung San Suu Kyi
缅甸持反对派的领导人 the Burmese dissident leader.
她正在做里斯讲座（BBC节目），必须从缅甸偷渡出来 She was doing the Reith Lecture,it had to be smuggled out of Burma.
一个神奇的形象，一个勇敢沉着的有远见的人 An amazing figure, very courageous and serene and visionary person.
我和我的一个女性朋友谈起她 I was talking about her to a woman friend of mine
她说“是的，但是。。。” and she said, "Yeah, but..."
“但是什么？” "What? Yeah, but what?"
“好吧，你知道，她的小腿有点粗” "Well, you know,her calves are kind of chunky."
这才是问题的关键，好吧! That's the fucking problem!
我想女人们为生儿育女倾注了所有的时间 I guess women do get dumped with childcare all the time.
即使她们有一个非常有权利的职位，那毫不影响 Even if they have powerful jobs.It doesn't matter.
一个女人可能在做心脏手术的时候 A woman might be a heart surgeon,
还在说“镊子，海绵，不要玩那些东西” she still has to go, "Clamp, sponge.Don't play with that."
因为 Because...
男人们总是在找借口！“啊，我不行，我必须。。。”因为。。。 men, they just make excuses!Say, "Aw, I can't, I have to... 'Cause the...
“你不会理解的，关于数字什么的” "You wouldn't understand.It's about numbers and stuff."
或者“我真的太累了，我不会做的” And they... Or "I'm just too tired.I'm not doing it.
“站在那边流口水，已经让我精疲力尽了” "I'm knackered from standing around generating my own saliva.
“让我一人待一会，我不做！” "Leave me alone! I'm not doing it."
总之，我不知道怎么说你们的困惑 Anyway, I don't know how we started talking about that. It was 'cause you had issues.
现在让我们解决它们 And now we fixed all that. And the...
我想男人，女人 So, yes, I suppose men and women and you know, things...
我不知道要说些什么，说些搞笑的事情 I don't know what to talk about. Let's talk about things comedians talk about.
我想到了，说说猫和狗的不同之处，怎么样？ I don't know... What... Cats and dogs. The difference between cats and dogs, okay?
你知道，你养猫，然而狗，是完全不同的 You know, you've got cats, and then dogs and they are not... It's different. They are different.
但是即使你有了猫，你依然不能远离政治，你行吗？ But even with that stuff you can't get away from politics, can you?
我意思是你看着一只狗。。。。你就会想，它是左翼的 I mean you look at a dog. A dog is...Dogs are left wing.
他们都舔自己的球，看，看呀，他们 They all lick their own balls.Look at them. They...
猫也舔，但是不是很情愿，很显然，它们是右翼 A cat does as well but reluctantly.They are clearly right wing.
它们做，但是在它们做之前，它们看着你，好像是在说 They do it, but just before they do it,they look at you as if to say,
“你现在忙吗？”你 "Are you busy?" You...
哪个人会再相信它们，信仰被讨厌 What does anyone think or believe any more? Belief itself is treated with disgust.
信仰被当做是一种大脑里的脂肪纹路 Belief is now regarded as a kind of fat marbling the brain.
在座的有谁信仰有组织的教会？ Who here believes in organised religion?
观众：没有！ -mAN: No!-(FEW AUDlENCE mEmBERS CLAP)
谁啊？ Who doesn't?
（欢呼更热烈） (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG LOUDLY)
看吧，西方人不相信任何东西！ You see? People in the West don't believe in anything!
我们以此为傲！ And we're proud of it!
“你信仰啥？”“那样都不信！不信！” -"What do you believe in?"-"Nothing! Nothing!"
“你中饭吃神马？我才不相信你呢！” "What did you have for lunch?I don't fucking believe you!"
我们不相信任何事情，我们轻视宗教 We don't believe in anything.We treat religion with contempt.
信念，都TM扯淡好吧 Faith. All that rubbish.
你是谁，小孩子？ What are you, a child?
你信仰它，做个好人，然后你挂了，你得到了一块饼干！ Believing in this, you do good and then you know, you die and then you get a biscuit!
你弱智啊！ What are you, a fucking idiot?
神经病！ What's wrong with you?
我们不信宗教因为我们懂科学！ We don't believe in anything!Because we know about science!
科学是唯一一件我们知道的事！ Believe in science!That's the only thing we know about!
原子和夸克的故事 The atoms and quarks and things.
我们一点儿搞不懂它！ We don't understand it! Any of it!
但是。。。这是事实 But... But that's the case.
所以说这和信仰有着本质的区别 So, that's totally different to having a faith!
不是吗？ Isn't it?
你知道，现在他们已经绘制出千分之五的宇宙 You know, they've mapped out 5% of the universe?
百分之五！ 5%!
如果是另一项工作，这个可能相当的落后 I mean in any other job description that would be pretty poor, wouldn't it?
“花园里的那面墙你做得咋样了？” "Have you built that wall in my garden?"
“哦，我完成了百分之无”“你可以滚了！” -"Oh, I've done 5%."-"You can fuck off!"
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) The...
我不相信上帝！当然，还有其他宗教 I don't believe in God!Of course I don't. Or religion.
我和其他人一样坚信科学 I go along with science like everybody else.
但是我对科学完全不懂 But I don't understand any of it.
所以我必须借助电视节目去理解它 So I have to rely on television programmes to explain it to me.
你知道布莱恩·考克斯，博士的Good-looking You know, things like Brian Cox,Dr Good-looking.
我注意到，最近，很到女人开始对天文感兴趣了 A lot of women became very interested in the universe recently, I noticed.
人们真正聊天，突然“”闭嘴！宇宙在 People will be talking and they'll go,"Shut up! The Universe is on!
“闭嘴！宇宙在” "Shut the fuck up! It's the Universe!
“非常重要，不需要知道它” "Very important. You need to know this stuff."
因为他可能来了，又走了 'Cause he would come on and go,
Hello, um... (mOCKlNG BRlAN COX lN FALSETTO)（用假声嘲笑布莱恩·考斯特） 大家好，嗯。。
他从其他星球来 He's from one of those places.
看呀！看那朵星云！ Look! Look at the nebula!
看，它们是不是很美？ Look, isn't it beautiful?
它们要几亿年才能形成，你不会懂的 It's made up of millions and millions of years of things you don't understand.
一道白的的光穿过黑暗的物质 The white light comes out of the dark matter
来到了这个绿色的休闲区 and goes into the green lounge area.
真的太美了！ It's beautiful!
所有的女的看了之后都会说“它们，真是太可爱了！” And all the women who are watching this are going, "lt is, yeah, it's lovely!
再多一些，好男孩，继续 "Walk around some more, pretty boy. Go on!
“回那山上去”我比较喜欢那里，“为什么你就不能像他一样背光呢？” "Go back up the mountain," I like that bit. "Why can't you be back-lit like him?"
他说话总是有隐喻 And he talks in metaphors,
如果你第一反应不知道他是神马意思 which is no use to you if you don't understand the thing in the first place!
想象你的头是一个被冷冻的钠phapibibate（？） (mOCKlNG BRlAN COX) lmagine you're head is frozen sodium phapibibate.
你的脚是行星 And your feet are planets.
当你坐下来，你会看见很多月亮在你的腋窝里 When you sit down, you are going to see a lot of moons in your armpits!
你TM的到底在说什么啊？ What the fuck are you talking about now?
有一个人他彻底放弃了上帝和魔鬼的观念 Anybody who has totally given up on the idea of God and the Devil,
那么他要么从来都没被正式地吻过，要么从来没有宿醉以后乘坐过瑞恩航空公司的航班 has never been properly kissed or flown on Ryanair with a hangover.
(观众喝彩) (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
我们有上帝，但是还要留下魔鬼去解释一些事 You can have God, but you go to leave the Devil to explain a few things.
所以 So.
好滴，找点乐子 Anyway, back to pleasure.
The...
你看，找乐子相当不容易，是吧？ You see, pleasure is difficult, isn't it?
有个年轻女人站在希思罗机场的外面 There was a young woman outside Heathrow.
几个。。。嗯嗯，前一阵子，我在那儿 A couple of... A while ago I was there.
她正在打电话 And she was on her mobile phone.
And she
她不能被称作流氓 would've been called a chav.
我自己不用这个词，我非常不喜欢这个词 I don't use the word myself.I don't like it very much but
但是这个词就是拿来形容她这种人的 that's what she would've been called. And...
她是一个女青年，非常胖 She was a very big young woman,she was fat. And...
嗯。。。勺子不给力啊 Uh... Get on the spoon.
她。。。。人们年轻的时候都不会发胖，对吧？ She... I mean fat in a way that people used not to be, you know?
你要到一定年龄才知道我话的意思 You need to be of a certain age to know what I'm talking about.
时间就是 Time was,
人们可能有点发胖了，然后他们到处乱跑，参加几个晚宴 people would be a bit fat. But they'd run around, skip a few dinners,
他们可能就恢复到正常体形了，但是那个女的不行 and they'd go back to the normal shape.Not this young woman.
第三代人，食物脂肪堆积起来的 This was third generation, shit food fat.
脂肪不会消失，如果没有炸药的话 The fat wasn't going anywhere without dynamite.
她看上去 She looked
有点像 Iike a sort of
股东大会上的球体 AGm of spheres. And...
她对着她的电话说 She was talking into her mobile phone and she was saying,
“我说，我从来没有这么醉过” "l mean, I have never ever been so drunk in my life.
“汤姆一直让我喝黑莓果汁这类东西” "Tom kept getting me blackberry smoothies or something.
“我喜欢9品脱的苹果酒，我都不知道自己在哪了” "l had like nine pints of cider.I didn't know where I was.
“今天早上我醒来，我跑去吃了两趟” "l woke up this morning and it's taken me two goes of food."
什么叫吃了两趟？你是说你坐在食物上动？ What's a go of food?Is that when you take a run at it?
“我去麦当劳吃早餐了，我刚刚吃了个汉堡王做晚餐” "l had a mcDonald's for breakfast.I've just had a Burger King for dinner.
“直到两分钟前，我TMD又饿了” "Up until two minutes ago, I was fucked."
我不是只针对这个年轻的女人 Now, I totally related to this young woman.
我也会，我们总是试图控制者欲望之车，永远是 I did. We're all trying to control the chariot of our appetites, at all times.
但是，我觉得，她不在乎别人怎么看她 Oh, she didn't care, I think, of what people would've described her as.
她就是她自己，她的声音一直在我脑海里，在飞机的另一端 She was herself. And her voice stuck in my head because at the other end of that flight,
我最后要讲一个装逼的人 the last person I'd spoken to was a very pretentious person.
就是我们称之为“潮人”的那种人 Who would've been called a toff, I guess.
他们的声音像鸟叫，这人是个女演员 One of those English voices full of birds.She was an actress.
她有大把的空闲时间 And she had a lot of time on her hands
因为所有她记得的事情都是无关紧要的 because everything reminded her of something else.
比如，她说：“噢，这些土豆，它们很不错，对不对？” She would say thing like,"Oh, these potatoes. Aren't they fabulous?
“他们长得真像我朋友，罗杰” "They're like my friend Roger."
“罗杰·罗杰森，你知道他吗？他住在意大利的Rogeronio” "Roger Rogerson. Do you know him?He lives in Rogeronio in ltaly.
“意大利也很漂亮，对吗？” "ltaly is wonderful, too, isn't it?
我猜，那里住满了意大利人，你也是其中一个，但是你不会说的 "l mean, it's full of ltalians. You'd fuck one, but you wouldn't talk to it afterwards.
“这盘沙拉真像我的少女时代” "This salad is like my girlhood.
“盛装打扮，装满了荔枝” "It's wildly overdressed and bewilderingly full of lychees."
一旦你掌握了这些 I suppose the classes was probably quiet easy once you get the hang of it.
在我看来这跟你花了多少时间和你的父母待在一起有关 It seems to me it's all about how much time you spend with you parents.
如果你往上走得越高，你和你的家人待在一起的时间越少 If you... Because the upper... The higher you go, the less time you're with your folks.
因为大概一年半一次，他们过来看你，然后再回去 You know, because around the age of one and half, they come up to you and go,
好吧，你，不管你是谁 "Well done, you, whatever your name is.
正要去阿根廷读寄宿制学校 "You're going to boarding school in Argentina."
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) And then...
如果你很穷，我和家里待在一起的时间会更多 If you're poor, you're just with your family a lot more.
你从洗衣机里面爬出来，再爬到一包土豆片里 You're crawling out of the laundry into this bag of potatoes.
你正在摇晃你爸妈的烟，当他们在做爱的时候，你在场 You're swinging off your parent's cigarettes as they have sex. You're there.
所以很有趣又听到有人谈起这些事 So it's funny to hear people talk about all this stuff again.
因为他们关心这些，用这些来衡量自己 But they're caring about all that,measuring themselves. And um...
另一件在晚上进行的事 Here's another thing that comes out of the dark. Right?
我想起来了 I worked this out.
Dinner parties.
night party肯定 Dinner parties must have...
第一个party一定是在冬天开的 The first dinner party must have happened in the winter.
原因我想一定是因为 'Cause I think what happens is
女人们开始厌倦 women get tired
成天看着和她待在一个房里的男人 of looking at the man in their house.
然后她们说 And they say,
“让我去看看其他的混蛋吧” "Let's get some other bastards round."
当然不是这么说的咯 Not in those words.
但是她们是这样想的 But that's what they mean.
“我们去拜访别人，到别人家做客” "Let's get some other bastards round or go to some other bastard's house.
“和他们一起吃饭” "And eat with them.
“因为我不想再看你了，那太令人绝望了” "'Cause I don't fucking wanna look at you any more. It's depressing."
一个成熟女性的美好时光 So it's a kind of an adult woman's idea of a good time.
真的不美好 It's not a good time.
如果你还只有20多岁那还好，和你的朋友出去玩 It's fine if you're 20 or 25.You go out with your friends.
喝喝小酒，聊聊天 You're eating and drinking and having a good time talking.
就很好了 That's the main event.
你们谈论爱情，人生，死亡，工作 You're talking about love and life and death and work
性和家庭，无所不谈 and sex and family and everything and anything that matters.
你不太关心食物怎么样 You don't care about the quality of the food.
你只要知道食物放在那里就可以了，因为其中有雪利酒 You only know there's food there 'cause one of the drinks is chewy.
而且，你知道，你去。。。 And, you know, you go...
你。。。 And you...
你玩得很开心 You have a good time
单纯聊天 talking. And then
你回到自己家，或者到别人家去玩游戏 you arrive back at your house or somebody else's house.
你想“万岁，这个传送点又好了”然后你就不想其他的了 You think, "Hurray, the teleporter worked again." And you don't think any more about it.
当你长大一点，聚会就变成了攀比 You get older and it becomes socially competitive.
因为你一到某人家，他们就立马开始胡说八道 Because you get to somebody's house and they start talking bollocks immediately.
他们打开前门让你进去，“要我带你参观一下吗？” They open the front door to you and they say, "Hi, can we give you the tour?"
不 No.
我只是现在在这里，我刚刚从冰冷阴暗的地方来 I am only here.I only came out in the cold and dark because
因为这个我爱的女人，说不想看见我了，好吧？ this woman, that I love,is sick of looking at me. Okay?
我明白这是一场食物的盛会，吃的在哪？ I understood this was a food gig.Where's the food?
我有自己的房子啊，我干嘛要看你的 I have got a house full of shit myself at home, I don't wanna see yours.
然后大家坐下来，开始聊房价和学校 And people sit you down and they talk about house prices and schools.
现在英国人的梦想就是 This seems to be the modern British person's dream.
他们的房子能在学校里，这就好比他们的孩子 To get their house into the schools so they can watch as their own children
被选入NASA（美国太空总署？） get selected for NASA.
坐在你旁边的一人笑起来像苏格兰风笛 They sit you beside somebody whose laugh sounds like bagpipes.
但是，周围没风笛 Amazing, without the bagpipes.
坐在你另一边的人永远比你更有趣 Somebody on the other side who's always more interesting than you.
你无关紧要，你可能是潜水艇的舰长 It doesn't matter what you do.You might be the captain of a submarine.
他们也许是玩爵士乐，单簧管的人，或是建造师，神经外科医生 They will be a jazz clarinettist architect neurosurgeon person.
人们 And the people...
我疑惑于人们在他们自己的家里 I didn't know people do this in their own homes.
这是怎样。。。怎样的一种攀比 They... This is how competitive it is.
他们看烹饪节目，所以他们带来首发 People have watched cookery programmes so they bring out starters.
第一次碰到这种事情的时候我被雷到了 The first time that happened to me I had a panic attack.
我说“这是什么？我觉得我们要吃饭了” I went "What the fuck is this?I thought we were gonna eat.
“这是一个钓虾的竿子在面包棒上跳舞”“食物呢？” "This is a prawn pole dancing on a bread stick. Where's the food?"
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
你不能指望和别人待在一起，还有让他们放松 You cannot expect to be with people and have them relaxed
假如你这样招待他们 if you're gonna treat them like this.
你必须给别人感觉自己有面子，很简单的道理 You got to give people decent, simple fare.
你知道，这里有个爱尔兰的经典的菜式 You know, here's an lrish classic recipe,okay?
这很简单，你不要吓唬人，你喂饱他们，然后你说 It's very simple. You don't freak people out. You feed them, and you talk.
我从我奶奶那学来的，她是个美丽有精神的人 This is from my granny.She was beautiful, spiritual person.
她过去常说 She always used to say,
“不要介意那只鸡有多大” "Doesn't matter how big the fucker is.
“他们都有脖子” "They all have a neck."
你懂的。。。 You know...
另一件她常说的事是 Another thing she used to say was,
“永远不要和超过11个人同时做爱” "Never get involved with more than 1 1 people sexually at one time."
“你不能保证每个人都高兴” "You cannot keep everybody happy.
“农场会马上恶化的” "Work on the farm deteriorates almost immediately."
不要那么做。。。 Don't do that and...
所以你要做的是要一只鸡，就一只 So what you do is you get a chicken.Okay. Get one.
翻看你的电话薄。。。 Use your contacts and...
不要急着开始，只要用人们都喜欢的小东西包住鸡的外面就好了 And don't get started. Just cover the outside of the chicken with little things people like.
用Twix的巧克力，一个橘子，或者一包薯片，都可以 With Twix, an orange, a pack of chips,whatever it is.
鸡尾酒枝，你懂的？ And cocktail sticks, you see?
然后在鸡肚子里面放一个巧克力蛋糕 And then you put a chocolate cake inside the chicken,
这样人们从外面吃到里面 so people work from the outside in.
等到人们准备开始的时候，你就可以说“不！哈，哈，哈，惊喜” And then when they think it's time to go, you go "No! Ha, ha, ha, surprise!"
他们会因此爱上你 And they love you. The will love you for that.
所以我想 So I think...
额。。。谁写的《科学怪人》？ Ah... Who wrote Frankenstein?
玛丽·雪莱，这可能听起来有点太绝对了 mary Shelley. Now this is gonna sound like a bit of a generalisation.
所有的女人 All women.
过去的，现在的，将来的 Past, present and future
都是玛丽·雪莱 are mary Shelley.
所有的男人 And all men
都是那个怪物 are the creature.
看看男的，看看他们，一个男人早上醒来，他是什么？ Look at a man. Look at him.Look at a man in the morning. What is he?
一件东西，为了找一个马桶，猛撞墙上 A thing, banging into walls,in search of a toilet.
他是瞎的，他是被组装起来的 He is blind and he has an erection.
(模仿弗兰克斯坦的叫声) (lmlTATlNG FRANKENSTElN GRUNTlNG)
(语无伦次ing) (mUmBLlNG lNCOHERENTLY)
(mUmBLlNG)
在他的脑子里这两件事情是联系在一起的 In his mind the two things are related.
我眼睛里没有血！ (mlmlCKlNG FRANKENSTElN) I have no blood in my eyes!
(mUmBLES)
他不断重复同样的事情 He goes to work to do a repetitive task.
(mUmBLlNG)
在午休时间买三明治 Takes a break at lunch to go for a sandwich.
看到一些东西就点燃了他大脑里的小宇宙 Sees something there to stir the little cosmos in his skull.
他看见了一个女人 He sees a woman.
它引起一系列非常复杂的 It entrains a very complex,
心理反应 psychological effect.
他正准备去实现他的计划，他潜回到了自己深暗的 He's about to realise something.He goes, he dives to his own depths,
洋底，抓住门栓锁上 to his own ocean floor and clutches at that insight.
撕破自己的外皮，真正的景象是这样的，他大吼 Breaks his own surface and this is the insight he comes up with. He goes,
“女人！” "Woman!" (GROWLS)
然后重新埋头 And then he goes back to work.
狂啃他手里的肉饼 To masticate his hand patty.
为手里的饼没有放牛肉而愤怒 Rueing the fact that he didn't get the beef.
然后回家告诉玛丽·雪莱 And then goes home to be told by mary Shelley,
“亲爱的，星期五我们要请杰弗逊到家里吃晚饭” "Darling we're having the Jefferson's around on Friday for dinner."
“杰弗森家，谁啊？” "Jefferson's, what are they?"
“他们是我们的朋友，亲爱的” "They're our friends, darling. They're guests.
“星期五他们是我们的客人” "They're going to be our guests on Friday."
“我们以前在哪里见过他们吗？” "When did we meet them?"
“你没有见过他们，我见过，我非常喜欢他们” "You didn't meet them.I met them and I liked them.
“所以他们要来吃晚饭，好吗？我告诉你只是因为你住这儿” "So they're coming to dinner. Okay? I'm just telling you because you live here.
“整个晚上你可以和菲利普说说话，你会喜欢他的” "You can spend the evening talking to Philip.You'll like him."
“为什么我要喜欢菲利普？” "Why will I like Philip?"
“因为他很无聊，我不打算碰他” "Because he's a very boring manand I'm not going to deal with him.
“好吗？所以你可以” "Okay? So you can
“一晚上都占有菲利普” "have Philip to yourself all night long.
“总之，你不会喜欢萨曼莎，不会的” "Anyway, you wouldn't like Samantha.You just wouldn't like her."
“为什么我不会喜欢萨曼莎？” "Why wouldn't I like Samantha?"
“因为她长得很漂亮” "Because she's very good-looking and she
“而且她穿得不够暖和，所以，我要去和萨曼莎聊天” "doesn't wrap up warm enough.So I'll be talking to Samantha.
“你可以待在角落一晚上” "You can stay in the corner all night long
“用手挠挠屁股，我们会有烤土豆” "and make arm pit farts while we have the roast potatoes."
“烤土豆！”哈哈哈！ "Roast potatoes!" Ahh!
Nah, it's...
那是因为女人非常温柔地告诉你 That's because women are kind enough to tell you
什么是 你下半生要去做的事 what it is you are going to be doing for the rest of your life.
所以 So.
我认为晚宴是一个中产阶级家庭生活的制高点 I mean, I suppose the dinner parties are kind of the acme of middle class life.
我们中的大多数是这样，不是吗？我猜，是的 most of us are that, aren't we? I guess we are.
原谅我，那个蛋糕的味道太好了，但是我需要一些巧克力 Now, excuse me. The cake was fine, but I need to chase that up with some chocolate because
事实上我不怎么喜欢巧克力 I'm eating the chocolate and the truth is I'm not enjoying it.
Um...
但是我还是想要吃它 But I'm gonna carry on eating it.
因为那是你的大脑在起作用，你明白吗？ Because that's the way the mind works,you see?
你明白巧克力的好处就是让你深陷酒吧 You tell yourself that the good chocolate is further on deeper down in the bar.
很像你早上醒来 Very much like when you wake up
你想“太他妈的烦躁了” and you think "Oh, this is fucking hideous
“我起床，一切会变好的” "I'll get up, things will improve."
接下来 So.
我们对女人还有男人做一些 Having made a lot of generalisations about women
概括 and men,
女人 women...
女人必须 Women have to
使她们自己 make themselves
变得漂亮，为了男人 beautiful for men.
因为 Because
男人追求漂亮的雌性 men are the ones who go on about female beauty.
你听到一个男的说 It's men who you hear say
“啊，我想念南希” "Oh, I miss Nancy.
“她有如此黝黑的脚背” "She had such dusky insteps.
“她的膝盖就像海豚的头” "Her knees were like porpoises' heads.
“她的眼睛就像是扔进完全的巴特里小盘子里的青金石” "Her eyes were like lapis lazuli thrown into little dishes of Utterly Butterly.
“当她来到你身后，你能感受到她的乳房” "You could hear breasts as she walked behind you.
“她是女人中的女人” "She was an extraordinary woman."
你没有看见 You don't get women
女人们用这种方式议论男人的魅力 banging on in this manner about male beauty.
你没听到过女人说 You don't hear women say,
“啊，我想西蒙了，他有如此漂亮的球” "Oh, I miss Simon.He had such beautiful balls."
我们声称自己是自由民主的，但是社会中依然没有这样一个平台 We call ourselves a liberal democracy and there's still no platform in this society
欣赏阴道整形 for the appreciation of scrotal beauty.
但是这些事女人们必须做 And the thing is woman do have to do all kinds of things themselves.
她们迫于压力而撒谎 And they lie about it 'cause of all the pressure.
女人们穿着自己头发做的防弹衣，再重新植入头发 Woman go and get their hair made bullet-proof and get the implants.
这些愚蠢的衣服和鞋人人都穿着 The silly clothes and the stupid shoes everybody wears now.
你知道这些 You know these...
她们说“哦，我喜欢，我是为自己做的” And they say "Oh, I enjoy.I did it for me, you know.
“我喜欢花45分钟坐到椅子上或者从椅子上起来” "l like the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to get in or out of a chair."
“我一直想自己看上去像一只被空运的虾” I've always wanted to look like a prawn who's being airlifted.
彻头彻尾的谎言 It's a total lie.
这不是一个人为她们做自己做的事 That's not the kind of thing a person does for themselves.
你知道我为自己做什么吗？在一个点心里面放一个点心 You know what I did for me?I had an eclair inside an eclair.
这是你为自己做的事 That's the kind of thing you do for yourself.
Not getting, fucking vajazelled,
不要在你的子宫里挂一个水晶吊灯 getting a little chandelier hung over your uterus.
因为，主流 So, because the mainstream
越来越多的不同的人都进入主流了，你知道谁在外面吗 absorbs more and more different kinds of people, you know who is outside.
好吧，我想是极端原教义者 Well, I suppose there's extremist fundamentalist people.
还有 You know? And...
啊·· Ah...
我真的搞不懂 I've never really understood when...
美国人对乌萨马·本拉登的暗杀的反应 America's reaction to Osama bin Laden's assassination
我觉得那不是成熟理性的反应，因为 was not very politically mature,I thought, because
他们中的有些人，他们真的代表一个国家做的 they sort of, what they really as a country did, was go,
（说唱）啊哈，他死了，看子弹在他的头上 (RAPPlNG) # Oh yeah. he dead.Look at him with bullets in his head
他死死了，他死到底了 # He's so dead. He's dead forever#
这说明 And that suggested
一个人还没有真正意识到他可能还会被炸 a people who hadn't really considered the idea of being bombed again.
额。。。 Um...
有一个真实的消息，不是我前面提过的名流的新闻 (mUmBLES) As real news. That was real news. Not the celebrity thing I mentioned earlier.
皇室婚礼之类的，相比起来没有那么糟糕 The royal wedding and so on,which there's an awful lot of as well.
你知道，所有那种杂志 You know, all those magazines
让你灵通所有这一类事件 telling you to catch up on all that stuff.
那些温和的，家喻户晓的杂志名 The friendly, over-familiar names of the magazines.
你好！来吧，让我们“舔舔”，那些事件 Hello! Come Here. Give us a Lick.all that stuff.
现在，世界上随时随地发生着各种各样的危机 Now, there are all sorts of crises happening in the world at any one time,
你知道，和食品，能源之类的有关 you know, with food and energy and so on.
现在，我没假设我们回到毛泽东时代的中国 Now, I'm not suggesting we return to a maoist China.
但是如果一群人在读名人消息 But if you got all those people who read celebrity news
让他们骑发电跑步机之类的 and put them to work on treadmills generating electricity or whatever,
就算你准许他们看杂志，他们也不会注意到 as long as you let them hang onto their magazines, they wouldn't even notice.
在 In
这个世界上发生的事就在这张纸上 the context of being in the world and watching all this stuff happen,
我不认为你真的了解了多少，你真的关心它们 I don't think it really penetrates, a lot of it. I don't think you care that much about it.
最后，还有一件和你有关的事。。。。。 In the end, what's gonna matter to you is...
今天你和谁一起来的？ Who you're with and,
你们之间发生了什么？在你的厨房发生了什么事？ and what's happening between you.What's happening in your own kitchen.
我有一朋友 Now, I have a friend
和我一样大，单身 who's my age and single
无子 and childless.
我不能告诉你我有大讨厌他 And I can't begin to tell you how much I hate him.
因为他还是一个天真的人 Because he's naive
和那些还没有子女的人们的想法一样 in a way that men are if they don't have children.
如果你是女的，你不需要为孩子设身处地着想 If you are a woman, you don't need to have children to be empathetic.
如果你是男的，那你不一样了 If you're a man, you do.
因为他还在跟我讲“那么复活节你起来干嘛呢？” 'Cause he still says to me things like, "So, what did you get up to at Easter?"
他没有想到我有家室，如果你有家庭，你起来不为什么 He forgets I have a family. If you've a family, you don't get up to things.
只是因为你躺在睡袋里，但是他们发现你了 I got in a sleeping bag, but they found me.
所以 So
告诉我你起床干嘛？ tell me all about what you got up to?
如果你有孩子，你的单身汉朋友们 Single men who give you...If they have a friend who has children,
会给你的孩子最糟糕的礼物 they give them the worst kind of presents for the children.
他们给他们那些抄着美国腔的大的塑料怪物 They give them those big plastic things that talk in American voices
你曾经在凌晨3点见过他们 that you only ever find at 3:00 in the morning
当你穿过这些怪物去小便 as you're crossing the landing to go for a piss.
你垫着脚尖跨过它，它对你说“A代表苹果，我爱你，吻我” You break all your toes on it and then it talks at you. "A is for apple. I love you. Kiss me."
滚开~！ Fuck off!
你是这栋见鬼的房子里唯一和我说话的东西！ You're the only thing that talks to me in this fucking house!
但是 But
但是他还是不成熟 he is immature.
你看？其实 You see? And what happens is that
他总是说。。。。他一直在坠入爱河 he says... He falls in love all the time.
他说“哦，我遇见一个女人，她太完美了” He says, "Oh, I met this woman.She's amazing
“我们有太多的共同点” "We have so much in common."
"你们有什么共同点？" "What do you have in common?"
“我们都喜欢性和香槟” "Well we both like sex and champagne."
3天以后他们坏了，我说“这是怎么回事？” Three days later they break up.I say "What was the matter?"
“额，她不会做浓汤” "Oh, she couldn't make bisque."
嗯。。。。 Um...
这并不是深入的关系，你知道吗？ This doesn't really get to the nitty gritty of a relationship, you know?
一个人要与一个人联系其实并不容易 And it's difficult for people to relate to one another.
我意思是，你首先得找到某人 I mean, you've to find somebody first of all.
我担心年轻人们 And I worry about the younger generation.
不仅仅是因为你们有很多没学的技能 Not just because you're losing skills all the time,
那不是问题，不用担心，你甚至 but that's okay, you don't have to worry.You don't
不用再写和说，你只需一台电脑，轻击它 have to write or speak or spell any more. You can straddle a computer and lick it.
它可以帮你做任何事 It'll do everything for you.
但是有一种重要的技能你需要的 But there are certain key skills you need
正在丢失，比如跳舞 that are being lost. Like dancing.
年轻人们不会跳舞 Young people cannot dance.
我知道这是因为我陷进了舞厅的骗局 I know this 'cause I got tricked into going into a disco situation.
是的，我说“迪斯科” Yes, I said the word "disco"
来自拉丁语 from the Latin.
在闪光灯下和一个女人跳动 meaning to put the moves on a lady under spangly lights.
他们不知道他们在干什么 They don't know what they're doing in there any more.
音乐傻X极了 The music is hideous.
但是你期待那种三秒钟就能让你眼花缭乱的东西 But you'd expect that sort of stuff that makes your eyes foam after about three seconds.
但是。。。。 But...
这就是他们做的。。。。这些 This is what they were doing... This.
他们看起来就像被机枪扫射了一样的 They looked like they were being tasered.
古典舞曲流行了整个 What happened to the popular classical dance that was established for all time in
80年代中期，当我还在成长的时候 the mid '80s, when I was growing up.
舞动没有什么不好的 There was nothing wrong with those moves.
虽然他们用法国式的口音念它 I did say it, pronounce that in a French way.
但是没关系 But never mind.
摇摆 moves.
你喜欢任何运动吗？ Do you like my moves?
你知道漂亮的动感，你知道，非常不错 The beautiful moves, you know? There was nothing wrong with this.
一个聪明的女人知道如果忍耐一个男人的那个，看这个 What intelligent woman is gonna resist that from a man. Look at this.
清理烤箱，他们叫 Cleaning the ovens, that was called.
或者这个 Or this.
Judging the mice，这是最棒的！ Judging the mice. These were the greats!
（鼓掌） (AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
我要走了，我快要错过时间了 I should go. I'm losing it.
额。。。 Um...
在这之前，我要告诉你。。。 Before I do, I'll tell you...
我收到了一封非常伤感的信 I got a kind of a very sad letter,
事实上，是关于运动的 kind of moving, actually,
来自一个家伙，人们有时候会问我一些意见 from this guy.People contact me sometimes for advice.
我是一个非常慷慨的人，他们愿意告诉我 I'm a very giving person and they can tell.
他说 He said,
“我爸爸告诉我 "my father tells me
那个女人 "that women
像支独木舟 "are like canoes,
充满了浓汤 "full of soup.
首先，每一个人都很怀疑 "At first everybody is suspicious.
但是他们都很想要一个 "And then they all want one.
妈妈告诉我女人是用头发做的神秘机器 "my mother maintains women are like enigma machines made of hair.
她们可能看起来迷迷糊糊的，但是她们总是知道你在想什么 "They might come across as fuzzy but they always know what you're thinking.
谁说的是实话？ "Who's telling the truth?
附，女人是从哪里来的？ "P.S. Where do women hang out?
比利，47” "Billy, 47."'
现在 Now,
那不伤感吗？ isn't that sad?
我觉得。。。比利，可能你在外面，我不知道，我讨厌做告诉你的那个人，但是 I mean... Billy, if you're out there, I don't know, I hate to be the one to tell you, but.
我认为他们给你指了一条流浪汉不归路 I think the folks are giving you a bum steer there.
事实上，女人们更像精神病人帽子下的鹰嘴豆 The truth is that women are like chick peas under a psychopath's hat.
她们活泼可爱 They can be cherishable and zingy
令人吃惊 and surprising.
但是你问得太多了 But you ask too many questions
你会被干掉的 and you get killed.
（观众拍手） (AUDlENCE CLAPPlNG)
感谢你的到来，大家，晚安 Thank you very much for coming, everyone. Good night.
（观众喝彩） (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
好吧，很快 Okay, very quickly.
因为今天是工作日的晚上，你也许有其它事要做 'Cause it's some night of the week and you've other things to do probably.
所以看 So look,
我的一个朋友 this friend of mine
告诉你一件困扰我的事，事实上，因为 that I was telling you about annoyed me,actually, because he...
他给她一件礼物，她的反应令他很失望 He gave a woman a present and he was disappointed by her reaction.
我说“来吧，她什么反应？” I said "Well, what was the reaction?"
他说“你知道，哦，我喜欢它，它真的棒极了，非常感谢” He said "Well, you know, she said, 'Oh, I love this. This is really great. Thanks very much.""
他想要更多，我意思是，在一段成熟的爱情里这是一个很不错的反应 He wanted more. I mean, In a mature relationship that's a fantastic reaction.
因为人们通常都是这样，别人送你礼物，你打开它 Because usually what happens is,somebody gives you a gift. You open it.
你抬头看对方，他们正看着你，他们告诉你为什么你要喜欢这个礼物 You'd look up and then they'd look at you and they'd tell you why you should like it.
你怎么了？穿上这该死的外套，这是一件奇妙的外套 "What's wrong with you? Put the fucking coat on. It's a fantastic coat.
它把所有的注意从你脸上移开，它遮住你的屁股，穿上它吧 "lt takes all the attention away from your face. It hides you ass. Put the coat on.
它有个大口袋，你可以把你所有的随身书籍放在里面 "It's got big pockets. You can keep all your self-help books in there.
我给你买了一件新的，我知道你有个人卫生洁癖 "l got you a new one. I got you Personal Hygiene for the Manically Depressed.
穿上这件外套 "Put the fucking coat on."'
他正在爱情的那个阶段就和你在恋爱中一样 He's in love with the state of a relationship when you're in love.
你们一直到餐厅吃饭，你们一起去电影院 You go out to restaurants all the time.You go to the cinema.
你走在餐厅问她“亲爱的，鱼怎么样？” You sit there in the restaurant saying, "How's your fish, darling?
“味道怎么样？我不告诉你鱼怎么样知道你告诉我你怎么样” "ls it good? I won't tell you about my fish until you tell me about yours.
“好吃吗？我真开心，所以它是我的。他们可能是兄妹” "ls it delicious? I'm so pleased. So is mine. They're probably brother and sister."'
从电影院出来“你觉得怎么样？” Coming out of the cinema going, "What did you think of the scene?
“当他藏在钢琴后面，女家庭教师从楼梯上下来 "When he was hiding under the piano and the governess came down the stairs
她拿着那个玩具狗，她试着不去看奥地利人 "and she was holding the toy dog and she was trying not to look Austrian
她和他都看着镜子 "and she looked in the mirror and he looked in the mirror
然后他们对对方说，你知道吗他正在想。。。。正确，我们想的是一样的” "and they saw each other. Did you know he was thinking... Exactly. We're the same."
无聊透顶 This is nonsense.
一段成熟的感情里，你在餐厅 In a mature relationship,you are in the restaurant.
你老伴看着你说“你在吃什么？” Your partner looks at you and says,"What are you eating?"
“我和洋葱在混战”“废话，吉米，牛排，把它给我” "l have a lot of onions having a fight."' "Bullshit. Gimme that steak. Give it to me"
我走出电影院，我妻子转向我“你喜欢每一幕，是吗？” I come out of the cinema, my wife turns to me and says, "You loved all the shit, didn't you?
“当他四处杀那些无辜的人们 "When he was running around killing all those innocent people
你却有大把的时间 "you where having a whale of a time,weren't you?
你会在脑子里假想自己是他" "You were sort of pretending you were him in your head.
不是吗？我可以从你脸上看出来 "Weren't you? I could see it in your face.
你现在还干这种事，你还尝试穿Robert Downey Jr的装束 "You're still doing it now. You're trying to wear that Robert Downey Jr expression
有点暧昧的犯罪和强烈的魅力 "of vague criminality with intense charm.
希望你穿它的时候，看起来像你磕过药了" "Except when you do it, it looks like you've got piles."'
你不同程度地厌恶我 "You disgust me on so many different levels.
"我必须一整晚待在你旁边看你啃爆米花 "l had to sit beside you all evening watching you snack a popcorn.
零食是什么？你现在在做，什么零食？ "What is snacking? You're making this up now. What is snacking?
零食是一个人在笑的时候往嘴里狂塞爆米花 "Snacking is when a person laughs and inhales popcorn at the same time.
令人恶心，痛心疾首” "It's revolting and actually distressing to be around.
“好了，我们走吧，一起去看你想看的芭蕾舞女演员 "Well, we went to go and see the fucking ballerina thing you wanted.
她生命垂危，她是一只天鹅，这花了三个星期的时间，我们去吧” "She's dying. She's a swan. It takes about three weeks. We went to that."'
“那是艺术”“畜生” -"That was art."'-"lt was bollocks."'
唯一一件好事是 The single best thing that can happen to you
你看着你爱的人在屋子里打瞌睡的时候 is when you catch the person you love in your house having a nap.
哦，不，不，不 "Oh, no, no, no.
试着愉悦你自己，你是不是疯了呀？ "Trying to enjoy yourself in your own lifetime. Are you out of your fucking mind?"
并且因为每个人都带有一种隐晦的内疚感 And because everybody walks around with an obscure sense of guilt anyway,
他们从床上跳起来“我没睡着，我只是躺下来，闭上眼睛” they bounce up in bed going, "l wasn't asleep. I just lay down and closed my eyes."'
“你没睡着？该死的你在打呼噜” "You weren't asleep? You were fucking snoring."'
“那不是真的，我不打呼噜，我从来不打呼噜” "That's not true. I don't snore. I never snore."'
“真的吗？好吧，给我五分钟的时间从你的嘴巴里扯出窗帘" "Really? Well, it took me five minutes to pull the curtains out of your mouth."'
听上去有点像朝强子对撞机扔香蕉 "Sounded like somebody throwing bananas into the Hadron Collider."'
两头犀牛在争论薯片巨额增值税 "Two rhinos fucking in a giant vat of crisps."'
女士们先生们,感谢你们的到来 Ladies and gentlemen of London, thank you very much for coming.
我们再见，晚安 I'll see you again. Goodnight.
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