knees and gentlemen and Samba nosh thank
you Wow
oh my god ladies and gentlemen welcome
to the series finale of the White House
Correspondents Dinner oh man my name is
Hasan Minaj arrests I'll be known in a
few weeks
number eight three zero two eight seven
who would have thought with everything
going on in the country right now that a
Muslim would be standing on this stage
for the ninth year in a row baby we had
eight years of arras plus another year I
see you clam up see you Barry
what you doing right now you jetski and
while the world burns that's cool that's
cool that's cool for those of you who
don't know me I am a correspondent on
The Daily Show on Comedy Central now I
see some of you whispering to each other
why is Comedy Central it's basically an
internship for Netflix I'd like to say
Jeff Mason and the White House
Correspondents Association for having me
I would say it is an honor to be here
but that would be an alternative fact it
is not a no one wanted to do this so of
course it lands in the hands of an
immigrant it's how it always goes down
no one wanted to sit no one Don Rickles
died just so you wouldn't ask him to do
this gig all right all right Peter Don
Rickles the only Donald's with skin
thick enough to take a joke like that
all right Peter the legend I'm sorry I'm
sorry that's that's my only that's my
only only trump joke I was explicitly
told not to go laughs administration I
promise you that's my only Trump show
believe me
it is amazing to be surrounded by some
of the greatest journalists in the world
and yet when we all checked into the
Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today
ever every time of USA Today slides
underneath my door it's like they're
saying hey you're not that smart right
USA Today is what happens when the
coupon section takes over the newspaper
is if that article about global warming
or 50 cents off tied either way
the pictures are so pretty tonight is
about defending the First Amendment in
the Free Press and I am truly honored to
be here even though all all of Hollywood
pulled out now that King Joffrey's
president it feels like the red wedding
in here
for the record the WHCA is a group of
journalists who cover the White House
they are not King Joffrey's goons so I'm
so glad you guys are all here tonight to
honor a great American tradition because
we all know this administration loves
deleting history faster than Anthony
Weiner when he hears footsteps so thank
you for being here okay listen I get it
I get it
we got to address the elephant that's
not in the room
the leader of our country is not here
and that's because he lives in Moscow it
is a very long flight it'd be hard for
Vlad to make it plants can't just make
it on a Saturday it's a Saturday as for
the other guy I think is in Pennsylvania
because he can't take a joke now for the
nine people watching on c-span there
also was another elephant in the room
but Donald Trump jr. shot and cut off
its tail you know a lot of people told
me Hasan if you go after the
administration it would be petty unfair
and childish in other words presidential
so here we go um I get why Donald Trump
didn't want to be roasted tonight by the
looks of them he's been roasting
non-stop for the past 70 years
historically the president usually
performs at the Correspondents Dinner
but I think I speak for all of us when I
say he's done far too much bombing this
month now a lot of people in the media
say that Donald Trump goes golfing too
much that's always like he goes golfing
too much which raises a very important
question why do you care do you want to
do do you want to know what he's not
doing when he's golfing being president
let the man putt-putt keep him
distracted teach him how to play Batman
tell him he has a great body for
bobsledding playing tic-tac-toe the
longer you keep him distracted the
longer we're not at war with North Korea
every time Donald Trump goes golfing the
headlights should read Trump golfing
apocalypse delayed take the W
this is great I love this even if you
guys groan I've already hired Kellyanne
Conway she's gonna go on TV on Monday
and tell everybody I killed so it really
doesn't matter but I love I love that
everybody's drinking having a good time
this is beautiful
you know Donald Trump doesn't drink
right does not touch alcohol which is
oddly respectable let's think about that
that means every statement every
interview every tweet completely sober
how is that possible we've all had that
excuse haven't we be like I said what no
listen babe I swear to you I was
hammered that's not who I really am what
if Donald Trump tell Melania listen babe
last year on that bus at Billy Bush
that's exactly who I am he tweets at
3:00 a.m. sober
who is tweeting at 3:00 a.m. over Donald
Trump because it's 10:00 a.m. in Russia
those are business hours you know
negative professional wrestlers are
president anything is possible you know
that statement anything is possible used
to have a positive connotation
anything is possible now we're all like
anything is possible anything the news
come out of the White House is so
stressful I've been watching house of
cards just to relax which is like a hung
man a congressman Bush a journalist in
front of a moving frame that's quaint
now it's not just the president who
decided not to show up his entire
administration is not here Betsy DeVos
couldn't be here she's busy curating her
collection of children's tears now a lot
of people think Betsy DeVos is out of
touch with working-class America but you
listen to me and you listen to me right
now okay
every morning Betsy DeVos is up at 5:00
a.m. putting your children on their
flight to school so don't you tell me
she's at a touch okay
hey has anyone seen Rick Perry since he
became energy secretary I have a feeling
he's sitting in a room Tula plutonium
waiting to become spider-man that's just
my hunch
now a lot of people think Steve Bannon
is the reason Donald Trump dog whistles
to racists and that is just not true a
Steve Bannon you see Ben again I do not
see Steve Bannon I do not see steeped in
not see fan not see see Fannin not see
[Music]
see Fannin Frederick Douglas isn't here
and that's because he's dead someone
please tell the president mic test
wanted to be here tonight but his wife
wouldn't let him because apparently one
of you ladies is ovulating so good job
ladies because of you we couldn't hang
out with my pen
now he bought that Trump isn't here
either and I wish she was because issue
if she was here I would ask her the
question that we're all thinking why why
do you support this man because I get it
we all love our parents but we wouldn't
endorse them for president
what if suppose I create a son should
your dad be President of the United
States I'd be like my dad Nadja me Manoj
the guy who tries to return use
underwear to Costco
no Jeff Sessions going to be here
tonight he was busy doing a pre Civil
War reenactment
on his RSVP he just wrote no justno
which happens to be his second favorite
n-word you know he was Hillary Clinton
couldn't be here tonight Hillary Clinton
could I mean she could have been here
but I think someone told her that the
event was in Wisconsin and Michigan so
what what you guys you know Nate silver
told me that joke would kill Nate silver
told me there was a 74 point one percent
chance of that joke killing I believe
June 8 so here's that grown me you can't
believe I believed you man okay enough
about how slytherin we are here to talk
about the truth it is 2017 and we are
living in the Golden Age of lying now's
the time to be a liar and Donald Trump
is liar in chief and remember you guys
are public enemy number one
you are his biggest enemy journalist
Isis normal likes ties and somehow
you're the bad guys that's why you got
to keep your foot on the gas especially
with Sean Spicer who is not here tonight
because I think he's at home googling
how to fake his own death but I love it
when you give it to Sean Spicer Sean
Spicer gives press briefings like
someone is going through his browser
history while he watches just panic like
no wait stop it stop it stop it stop
taking your head stop taking your head
stop shaking your head we'll talk about
this tomorrow it is the best now you
guys are laughing but realize Sean
Spicer has been doing PR since 1999 he
has been doing his job for 18 years and
somehow after 18 years his go-to move
when you ask them a tough question is
denying the Holocaust that is insane how
many people do you know that can turn a
press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson
traffic stop only the spikes man only
the spice man you know what's crazy
every day on the daily show we do these
jokes all the time we're like the
administration lies from flip-flops it
doesn't matter
his supporters feel trust them is not
stopped his momentum at all it's almost
as if the daily show should be on c-span
it has less zero impact it was true and
I realized something maybe it's because
we're living in this strange time where
Trust is more important than truth and
supporters of President Trump trust him
and I know journalists you guys are
definitely trying to do good work I just
think that a lot of people don't trust
you right now and can you blame them
I mean unlike Anderson Cooper's bone
structure you guys have been far from
perfect
remember election night I mean that was
your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment
the look on your face is at 11:00 p.m.
on election night it was like walking
into a Panera Bread and finding out your
sixth grade teacher has a part-time job
there I was like what mr. Edison
I guess you don't have all the answers
because it was all fun and games with
Obama right you were covering the adult
who could speak English and now you're
covering President Trump so you've got
to take your game to a whole new level
it's like if a bunch of stripper cops
had to solve a real-life murder Fox News
is here I'm amazed you guys even showed
up how are you here in public it's hard
to trust you guys when you backed a man
like Bill O'Reilly for years but it
finally happened Bill O'Reilly has been
fired but then you gave him a 25 million
dollar severance package making it the
only package he won't force a woman to
touch now in a while his defense he was
told by a close friend when you're a
star they let you do it you can do
anything you guys are having a hard time
with Jesse Watters right now too he's on
a break right now ride he's on a break
just like my childhood dog is staying at
a farm upstate I get it I know that move
now I know some of you wondered Hasan
how do you know so much about Fox News
well as a Muslim I like to watch Fox
News for the same reason I like to play
call of duty sometimes I like to turn my
brain off and watch strangers insult my
family and heritage
and thus NBC is here tonight and I'm
glad you guys are here tonight that way
if I'm bombing Brian Williams will
describe it as stunning I think it's
hard to trust you guys when you send us
so many mixed messages on one hand you
tell us the prison industrial complex is
the problem and then you air five
straight hours of lockup you can't be
mad at corporations profiting off of
minorities in prison when you're a
corporation profiting off of minorities
in prison like I have one quick request
MSNBC please tell Rachel Maddow to chill
about Trump stack return tax returns I
don't know what you think you'll find in
there but there isn't going to be a line
item that just says bribes from Russia
that's not how it works it was like oh I
found the 10/40 USSR it doesn't work
like that
you're the liberal news outlet like we
dressed the same I look like a melanin
version of Chris Hayes I want to root
for you guys but you're turning into
conspiracy theorists every night you're
like the Russians after our elections
the Russians after elections meanwhile
everybody Latin America in the Middle
East is like Oh a foreign government
hambert of your election what is that
lie do tell MSNBC just pump the brakes
we're only on day a hundred by the end
of the year you guys all going to have
tin foil you'll have some jars of urine
all over your desk now I had a lot more
MSNBC jokes but I don't want to just
ramble on otherwise I might get a show
on MSNBC
last but not least my favorite
entertainment channel is in the building
tonight CNN is your baby now you guys
got some really weird trust issues going
on with the public I'm not going to call
you fake news but everything isn't
breaking news yes you can't go to DEFCON
one just because Sanjay Gupta found a
new moisturizer every time a story
breaks you guys go to nine screens nine
boxes on the screen I'm trying to watch
the news not pick a player in street
fighter it's giving me anxiety
it should nine experts on a panel
what is your barrier of entry here to
talk about transportation infrastructure
is my uber driver Gary Erie what do you
got
it just says Gary 4.8 stars he's like I
don't know I got a mint thanks Gary
let's go to the countdown clock to the
next countdown clock all you gotta do is
Stoke up conflict done every time I
watch your show it feels like I'm
watching a reality TV show CNN tonight
should just be called wait a second now
hold on stop yelling at each other with
Don Lemon you know your news right come
on but every time I watch CNN it feels
like you're assigning me homework
it's from for Russian spy I don't know
you tell me tweet us at ac360 no you
tell me I'm watching the news
but it feels like I'm watching CNN watch
the news
just take an hour figure out what you
want to say then go um be here for
whenever I turn you guys on it feels
like a little thing just ran into the
room it's trying to tell you a story
take a minute drink some milk then tell
us the story wolf I know I'm busting
balls I don't I don't have a solution on
how to win back for us
I don't but in the age it's from I know
that you guys have to be more perfect
now more than ever because you are how
the president gets his news
not some advisors not from experts not
from intelligence agencies you guys so
that's why you had to be on your a-game
you got to be twice as good you can't
make any mistakes because when one of
you messes up he blames your entire
group and now you know what it feels
like to be a minority and I think we
some of you guys complaining like what I
got to work twice as hard for half the
credit remember you're a minority you
guys got a lot more experience than me
but I got three decades of being brown
so if you want to survive the age of
Trump you got to think like a minority
and now that you're minority oh man
everyone is going to expect you to be
the mouthpiece for the entire group so I
hate to say it but somewhere right now
all of you being represented by Geraldo
Rivera see now that you're a truly
minority there's a distorted version of
you out there you know Taco Bell for
Mexican culture and Express for Chinese
culture Huffington Post for journalism
and then when you actually manage to do
great work you get hit with the most
condescending line in the English
language
hey you're actually one of the good ones
then you have to smile and say thank you
kind of sucks doesn't it by the way you
guys don't really minorities you guys
are super white but because I could see
so MSNBC because we got our minority
card no uh but your work is invaluable
and I mean that as a fake journalist I
am rooting for you we're a hundred days
in 1360 days to go you guys are running
the marathon and I'm at the half mile
mark giving you tape for your nipples
long wishing you nothing but the best
you chase van you will chase a long way
to go this has been one of the strangest
events I have ever done in my life to be
honest with you like I feel like I'm a
tribute in the hunger game like if this
goes poorly Steve Brandon gets to eat me
but I was asked to not roast the
president and administration in their
absentia and I completely understand
that we are in a very strange situation
where there is a very combative
relationship between the press and the
president but now that you guys are
minorities just for this moment you
might understand the position I was in
it and it's the same position a lot of
minority tips feel in this country and
it's you know do I come up here and just
try to fit in and not ruffle any
feathers or do I say how I really feel
because this event is about celebrating
the First Amendment and free speech free
speech is the foundation of an open and
liberal democracy from college campuses
to the White House only in America can a
first-generation Indian American Muslim
kid get on this stage and make fun of
the President
the orange man behind the Muslim van and
it's assigned to the rest of the world
is this amazing tradition that shows the
entire world that even the president is
not beyond the reach of the First
Amendment but the president didn't show
up because Donald Trump doesn't care
about free speech
the man who tweets everything that
enters his head refuses to acknowledge
the amendment that allows him to do it
think about it it's almost what is at
11:00 it's 11:00 p.m. right now in four
hours Donald Trump will be tweeting
about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this
dinner and he'll be doing it completely
sober and that's his right and I'm proud
that all of us are here tonight to
defend that right even if the man in the
White House never would so I'd like to
thank the White House Correspondents
Association for having me here I want to
thank all of you I want to thank
Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a
generation of journalists and I would
like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring
the next thank you so much it's been an
honor good night I love you thank you
you
thank you guys thank you I really
appreciate it thank you
[Applause]