1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,038 knees and gentlemen and Samba nosh thank 2 00:00:09,024 --> 00:00:15,024 you Wow 3 00:00:10,038 --> 00:00:16,116 oh my god ladies and gentlemen welcome 4 00:00:15,024 --> 00:00:24,105 to the series finale of the White House 5 00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:27,021 Correspondents Dinner oh man my name is 6 00:00:25,005 --> 00:00:27,734 Hasan Minaj arrests I'll be known in a 7 00:00:27,021 --> 00:00:31,082 few weeks 8 00:00:27,779 --> 00:00:31,820 number eight three zero two eight seven 9 00:00:34,489 --> 00:00:40,505 who would have thought with everything 10 00:00:38,399 --> 00:00:43,190 going on in the country right now that a 11 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:47,681 Muslim would be standing on this stage 12 00:00:43,019 --> 00:00:49,071 for the ninth year in a row baby we had 13 00:00:47,969 --> 00:00:51,600 eight years of arras plus another year I 14 00:00:49,071 --> 00:00:52,146 see you clam up see you Barry 15 00:00:51,006 --> 00:00:54,305 what you doing right now you jetski and 16 00:00:53,046 --> 00:01:01,050 while the world burns that's cool that's 17 00:00:54,899 --> 00:01:04,710 cool that's cool for those of you who 18 00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:06,069 don't know me I am a correspondent on 19 00:01:04,071 --> 00:01:07,164 The Daily Show on Comedy Central now I 20 00:01:07,014 --> 00:01:12,075 see some of you whispering to each other 21 00:01:08,064 --> 00:01:17,070 why is Comedy Central it's basically an 22 00:01:12,075 --> 00:01:18,944 internship for Netflix I'd like to say 23 00:01:18,024 --> 00:01:20,903 Jeff Mason and the White House 24 00:01:19,619 --> 00:01:23,630 Correspondents Association for having me 25 00:01:21,119 --> 00:01:26,040 I would say it is an honor to be here 26 00:01:23,729 --> 00:01:30,734 but that would be an alternative fact it 27 00:01:26,004 --> 00:01:33,075 is not a no one wanted to do this so of 28 00:01:31,229 --> 00:01:35,272 course it lands in the hands of an 29 00:01:33,075 --> 00:01:39,734 immigrant it's how it always goes down 30 00:01:35,659 --> 00:01:41,726 no one wanted to sit no one Don Rickles 31 00:01:40,409 --> 00:01:44,462 died just so you wouldn't ask him to do 32 00:01:42,329 --> 00:01:46,358 this gig all right all right Peter Don 33 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:47,018 Rickles the only Donald's with skin 34 00:01:46,619 --> 00:01:50,630 thick enough to take a joke like that 35 00:01:47,729 --> 00:01:51,810 all right Peter the legend I'm sorry I'm 36 00:01:50,729 --> 00:01:53,820 sorry that's that's my only that's my 37 00:01:51,081 --> 00:01:55,125 only only trump joke I was explicitly 38 00:01:53,082 --> 00:01:58,118 told not to go laughs administration I 39 00:01:56,025 --> 00:02:02,042 promise you that's my only Trump show 40 00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:02,042 believe me 41 00:02:05,017 --> 00:02:09,053 it is amazing to be surrounded by some 42 00:02:08,039 --> 00:02:12,047 of the greatest journalists in the world 43 00:02:09,053 --> 00:02:16,069 and yet when we all checked into the 44 00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:16,069 Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today 45 00:02:18,031 --> 00:02:23,054 ever every time of USA Today slides 46 00:02:22,034 --> 00:02:26,131 underneath my door it's like they're 47 00:02:23,054 --> 00:02:26,131 saying hey you're not that smart right 48 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:35,106 USA Today is what happens when the 49 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:39,031 coupon section takes over the newspaper 50 00:02:36,006 --> 00:02:41,068 is if that article about global warming 51 00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:49,081 or 50 cents off tied either way 52 00:02:41,068 --> 00:02:51,133 the pictures are so pretty tonight is 53 00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:53,143 about defending the First Amendment in 54 00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:56,089 the Free Press and I am truly honored to 55 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:57,127 be here even though all all of Hollywood 56 00:02:56,089 --> 00:02:58,156 pulled out now that King Joffrey's 57 00:02:58,027 --> 00:03:01,059 president it feels like the red wedding 58 00:02:59,056 --> 00:03:06,061 in here 59 00:03:01,059 --> 00:03:07,126 for the record the WHCA is a group of 60 00:03:07,006 --> 00:03:10,045 journalists who cover the White House 61 00:03:08,026 --> 00:03:12,031 they are not King Joffrey's goons so I'm 62 00:03:10,045 --> 00:03:14,104 so glad you guys are all here tonight to 63 00:03:12,076 --> 00:03:15,157 honor a great American tradition because 64 00:03:15,004 --> 00:03:17,095 we all know this administration loves 65 00:03:16,057 --> 00:03:19,138 deleting history faster than Anthony 66 00:03:17,095 --> 00:03:25,189 Weiner when he hears footsteps so thank 67 00:03:20,038 --> 00:03:27,081 you for being here okay listen I get it 68 00:03:26,089 --> 00:03:29,155 I get it 69 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:32,480 we got to address the elephant that's 70 00:03:30,055 --> 00:03:32,714 not in the room 71 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:39,115 the leader of our country is not here 72 00:03:37,019 --> 00:03:42,280 and that's because he lives in Moscow it 73 00:03:40,015 --> 00:03:43,087 is a very long flight it'd be hard for 74 00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:48,079 Vlad to make it plants can't just make 75 00:03:43,087 --> 00:03:48,172 it on a Saturday it's a Saturday as for 76 00:03:48,079 --> 00:03:53,028 the other guy I think is in Pennsylvania 77 00:03:49,072 --> 00:03:54,151 because he can't take a joke now for the 78 00:03:53,739 --> 00:03:57,756 nine people watching on c-span there 79 00:03:55,051 --> 00:03:59,640 also was another elephant in the room 80 00:03:57,909 --> 00:04:07,930 but Donald Trump jr. shot and cut off 81 00:04:00,099 --> 00:04:10,420 its tail you know a lot of people told 82 00:04:07,093 --> 00:04:12,145 me Hasan if you go after the 83 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:14,134 administration it would be petty unfair 84 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:18,174 and childish in other words presidential 85 00:04:15,034 --> 00:04:19,653 so here we go um I get why Donald Trump 86 00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:21,010 didn't want to be roasted tonight by the 87 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:24,180 looks of them he's been roasting 88 00:04:21,001 --> 00:04:24,018 non-stop for the past 70 years 89 00:04:24,539 --> 00:04:27,552 historically the president usually 90 00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:28,881 performs at the Correspondents Dinner 91 00:04:27,669 --> 00:04:31,330 but I think I speak for all of us when I 92 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:37,241 say he's done far too much bombing this 93 00:04:31,033 --> 00:04:40,069 month now a lot of people in the media 94 00:04:37,889 --> 00:04:41,898 say that Donald Trump goes golfing too 95 00:04:40,069 --> 00:04:43,153 much that's always like he goes golfing 96 00:04:42,789 --> 00:04:49,840 too much which raises a very important 97 00:04:44,053 --> 00:04:50,140 question why do you care do you want to 98 00:04:49,084 --> 00:04:53,633 do do you want to know what he's not 99 00:04:51,004 --> 00:04:57,058 doing when he's golfing being president 100 00:04:54,389 --> 00:05:00,420 let the man putt-putt keep him 101 00:04:57,094 --> 00:05:01,126 distracted teach him how to play Batman 102 00:05:00,699 --> 00:05:04,960 tell him he has a great body for 103 00:05:02,026 --> 00:05:06,465 bobsledding playing tic-tac-toe the 104 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:08,169 longer you keep him distracted the 105 00:05:06,699 --> 00:05:11,703 longer we're not at war with North Korea 106 00:05:09,069 --> 00:05:14,078 every time Donald Trump goes golfing the 107 00:05:12,099 --> 00:05:19,181 headlights should read Trump golfing 108 00:05:14,699 --> 00:05:19,721 apocalypse delayed take the W 109 00:05:21,043 --> 00:05:27,101 this is great I love this even if you 110 00:05:26,048 --> 00:05:29,051 guys groan I've already hired Kellyanne 111 00:05:28,001 --> 00:05:31,049 Conway she's gonna go on TV on Monday 112 00:05:29,051 --> 00:05:34,109 and tell everybody I killed so it really 113 00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:35,132 doesn't matter but I love I love that 114 00:05:35,009 --> 00:05:37,010 everybody's drinking having a good time 115 00:05:36,032 --> 00:05:38,033 this is beautiful 116 00:05:37,001 --> 00:05:40,010 you know Donald Trump doesn't drink 117 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:44,038 right does not touch alcohol which is 118 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:54,056 oddly respectable let's think about that 119 00:05:44,083 --> 00:06:00,115 that means every statement every 120 00:05:54,056 --> 00:06:05,069 interview every tweet completely sober 121 00:06:01,015 --> 00:06:07,106 how is that possible we've all had that 122 00:06:05,069 --> 00:06:09,110 excuse haven't we be like I said what no 123 00:06:08,006 --> 00:06:12,029 listen babe I swear to you I was 124 00:06:10,001 --> 00:06:14,003 hammered that's not who I really am what 125 00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:15,116 if Donald Trump tell Melania listen babe 126 00:06:14,003 --> 00:06:22,015 last year on that bus at Billy Bush 127 00:06:16,016 --> 00:06:27,088 that's exactly who I am he tweets at 128 00:06:22,042 --> 00:06:27,088 3:00 a.m. sober 129 00:06:31,013 --> 00:06:38,094 who is tweeting at 3:00 a.m. over Donald 130 00:06:37,059 --> 00:06:44,063 Trump because it's 10:00 a.m. in Russia 131 00:06:38,094 --> 00:06:45,159 those are business hours you know 132 00:06:44,063 --> 00:06:50,085 negative professional wrestlers are 133 00:06:46,059 --> 00:06:51,150 president anything is possible you know 134 00:06:50,085 --> 00:06:53,088 that statement anything is possible used 135 00:06:52,005 --> 00:06:55,044 to have a positive connotation 136 00:06:53,088 --> 00:07:02,160 anything is possible now we're all like 137 00:06:55,089 --> 00:07:03,174 anything is possible anything the news 138 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,091 come out of the White House is so 139 00:07:04,074 --> 00:07:10,092 stressful I've been watching house of 140 00:07:06,045 --> 00:07:13,092 cards just to relax which is like a hung 141 00:07:10,092 --> 00:07:16,187 man a congressman Bush a journalist in 142 00:07:13,092 --> 00:07:16,187 front of a moving frame that's quaint 143 00:07:18,056 --> 00:07:22,065 now it's not just the president who 144 00:07:20,085 --> 00:07:23,184 decided not to show up his entire 145 00:07:22,065 --> 00:07:26,070 administration is not here Betsy DeVos 146 00:07:24,084 --> 00:07:30,093 couldn't be here she's busy curating her 147 00:07:26,007 --> 00:07:32,070 collection of children's tears now a lot 148 00:07:31,074 --> 00:07:34,077 of people think Betsy DeVos is out of 149 00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:36,051 touch with working-class America but you 150 00:07:34,077 --> 00:07:36,114 listen to me and you listen to me right 151 00:07:36,051 --> 00:07:38,136 now okay 152 00:07:37,014 --> 00:07:41,049 every morning Betsy DeVos is up at 5:00 153 00:07:39,036 --> 00:07:43,083 a.m. putting your children on their 154 00:07:41,049 --> 00:07:47,054 flight to school so don't you tell me 155 00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:46,154 she's at a touch okay 156 00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:52,134 hey has anyone seen Rick Perry since he 157 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:54,114 became energy secretary I have a feeling 158 00:07:53,034 --> 00:07:56,088 he's sitting in a room Tula plutonium 159 00:07:55,014 --> 00:07:59,018 waiting to become spider-man that's just 160 00:07:56,088 --> 00:07:58,091 my hunch 161 00:08:02,002 --> 00:08:08,008 now a lot of people think Steve Bannon 162 00:08:05,008 --> 00:08:10,015 is the reason Donald Trump dog whistles 163 00:08:08,008 --> 00:08:17,026 to racists and that is just not true a 164 00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:23,088 Steve Bannon you see Ben again I do not 165 00:08:17,026 --> 00:08:35,065 see Steve Bannon I do not see steeped in 166 00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:35,142 not see fan not see see Fannin not see 167 00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:42,700 [Music] 168 00:08:36,042 --> 00:08:44,125 see Fannin Frederick Douglas isn't here 169 00:08:42,007 --> 00:08:50,083 and that's because he's dead someone 170 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:52,078 please tell the president mic test 171 00:08:51,046 --> 00:08:54,103 wanted to be here tonight but his wife 172 00:08:52,078 --> 00:08:57,151 wouldn't let him because apparently one 173 00:08:55,003 --> 00:09:00,031 of you ladies is ovulating so good job 174 00:08:58,051 --> 00:09:02,127 ladies because of you we couldn't hang 175 00:09:00,031 --> 00:09:02,127 out with my pen 176 00:09:07,096 --> 00:09:11,131 now he bought that Trump isn't here 177 00:09:10,006 --> 00:09:14,047 either and I wish she was because issue 178 00:09:12,031 --> 00:09:19,083 if she was here I would ask her the 179 00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:23,098 question that we're all thinking why why 180 00:09:19,083 --> 00:09:26,110 do you support this man because I get it 181 00:09:23,098 --> 00:09:29,267 we all love our parents but we wouldn't 182 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:32,083 endorse them for president 183 00:09:30,149 --> 00:09:34,720 what if suppose I create a son should 184 00:09:32,092 --> 00:09:42,108 your dad be President of the United 185 00:09:34,072 --> 00:09:42,108 States I'd be like my dad Nadja me Manoj 186 00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:52,108 the guy who tries to return use 187 00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:53,008 underwear to Costco 188 00:09:58,045 --> 00:10:05,110 no Jeff Sessions going to be here 189 00:10:04,029 --> 00:10:08,940 tonight he was busy doing a pre Civil 190 00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:08,085 War reenactment 191 00:10:12,319 --> 00:10:17,362 on his RSVP he just wrote no justno 192 00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:22,558 which happens to be his second favorite 193 00:10:17,749 --> 00:10:23,836 n-word you know he was Hillary Clinton 194 00:10:22,639 --> 00:10:24,736 couldn't be here tonight Hillary Clinton 195 00:10:24,619 --> 00:10:26,620 could I mean she could have been here 196 00:10:25,609 --> 00:10:28,600 but I think someone told her that the 197 00:10:26,629 --> 00:10:32,710 event was in Wisconsin and Michigan so 198 00:10:28,006 --> 00:10:34,615 what what you guys you know Nate silver 199 00:10:33,439 --> 00:10:36,526 told me that joke would kill Nate silver 200 00:10:35,209 --> 00:10:38,218 told me there was a 74 point one percent 201 00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:43,336 chance of that joke killing I believe 202 00:10:39,109 --> 00:10:46,117 June 8 so here's that grown me you can't 203 00:10:43,579 --> 00:10:47,665 believe I believed you man okay enough 204 00:10:46,189 --> 00:10:51,410 about how slytherin we are here to talk 205 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:57,350 about the truth it is 2017 and we are 206 00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:59,140 living in the Golden Age of lying now's 207 00:10:57,035 --> 00:11:02,944 the time to be a liar and Donald Trump 208 00:10:59,509 --> 00:11:05,554 is liar in chief and remember you guys 209 00:11:03,259 --> 00:11:10,317 are public enemy number one 210 00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:16,993 you are his biggest enemy journalist 211 00:11:10,839 --> 00:11:20,848 Isis normal likes ties and somehow 212 00:11:17,299 --> 00:11:23,600 you're the bad guys that's why you got 213 00:11:21,739 --> 00:11:25,786 to keep your foot on the gas especially 214 00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:27,085 with Sean Spicer who is not here tonight 215 00:11:26,209 --> 00:11:29,266 because I think he's at home googling 216 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,735 how to fake his own death but I love it 217 00:11:29,779 --> 00:11:33,865 when you give it to Sean Spicer Sean 218 00:11:32,239 --> 00:11:35,317 Spicer gives press briefings like 219 00:11:34,639 --> 00:11:39,706 someone is going through his browser 220 00:11:36,019 --> 00:11:43,030 history while he watches just panic like 221 00:11:40,309 --> 00:11:44,720 no wait stop it stop it stop it stop 222 00:11:43,129 --> 00:11:46,177 taking your head stop taking your head 223 00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:49,921 stop shaking your head we'll talk about 224 00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:52,220 this tomorrow it is the best now you 225 00:11:50,569 --> 00:11:57,980 guys are laughing but realize Sean 226 00:11:52,022 --> 00:12:00,471 Spicer has been doing PR since 1999 he 227 00:11:57,098 --> 00:12:03,877 has been doing his job for 18 years and 228 00:12:00,669 --> 00:12:05,728 somehow after 18 years his go-to move 229 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:12,760 when you ask them a tough question is 230 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:14,260 denying the Holocaust that is insane how 231 00:12:12,859 --> 00:12:16,220 many people do you know that can turn a 232 00:12:14,269 --> 00:12:18,274 press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson 233 00:12:16,022 --> 00:12:25,071 traffic stop only the spikes man only 234 00:12:18,769 --> 00:12:24,774 the spice man you know what's crazy 235 00:12:25,027 --> 00:12:28,112 every day on the daily show we do these 236 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:31,094 jokes all the time we're like the 237 00:12:29,012 --> 00:12:32,105 administration lies from flip-flops it 238 00:12:31,094 --> 00:12:34,181 doesn't matter 239 00:12:33,005 --> 00:12:38,030 his supporters feel trust them is not 240 00:12:35,081 --> 00:12:39,092 stopped his momentum at all it's almost 241 00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:48,050 as if the daily show should be on c-span 242 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:50,095 it has less zero impact it was true and 243 00:12:48,077 --> 00:12:53,129 I realized something maybe it's because 244 00:12:50,095 --> 00:12:57,136 we're living in this strange time where 245 00:12:54,029 --> 00:12:58,036 Trust is more important than truth and 246 00:12:58,087 --> 00:13:03,161 supporters of President Trump trust him 247 00:13:01,019 --> 00:13:07,076 and I know journalists you guys are 248 00:13:04,061 --> 00:13:09,062 definitely trying to do good work I just 249 00:13:07,076 --> 00:13:13,082 think that a lot of people don't trust 250 00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:15,125 you right now and can you blame them 251 00:13:13,082 --> 00:13:16,088 I mean unlike Anderson Cooper's bone 252 00:13:16,025 --> 00:13:19,054 structure you guys have been far from 253 00:13:17,042 --> 00:13:21,101 perfect 254 00:13:19,054 --> 00:13:23,087 remember election night I mean that was 255 00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:26,024 your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment 256 00:13:23,087 --> 00:13:26,183 the look on your face is at 11:00 p.m. 257 00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:29,027 on election night it was like walking 258 00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:30,086 into a Panera Bread and finding out your 259 00:13:29,054 --> 00:13:36,097 sixth grade teacher has a part-time job 260 00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:36,097 there I was like what mr. Edison 261 00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:45,243 I guess you don't have all the answers 262 00:13:46,509 --> 00:13:49,516 because it was all fun and games with 263 00:13:48,649 --> 00:13:52,654 Obama right you were covering the adult 264 00:13:50,209 --> 00:13:53,281 who could speak English and now you're 265 00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:54,787 covering President Trump so you've got 266 00:13:53,929 --> 00:13:56,962 to take your game to a whole new level 267 00:13:55,579 --> 00:14:06,800 it's like if a bunch of stripper cops 268 00:13:57,259 --> 00:14:09,328 had to solve a real-life murder Fox News 269 00:14:06,008 --> 00:14:13,327 is here I'm amazed you guys even showed 270 00:14:09,949 --> 00:14:15,955 up how are you here in public it's hard 271 00:14:14,119 --> 00:14:18,196 to trust you guys when you backed a man 272 00:14:16,009 --> 00:14:21,016 like Bill O'Reilly for years but it 273 00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:27,920 finally happened Bill O'Reilly has been 274 00:14:21,709 --> 00:14:29,728 fired but then you gave him a 25 million 275 00:14:27,092 --> 00:14:30,811 dollar severance package making it the 276 00:14:29,899 --> 00:14:36,943 only package he won't force a woman to 277 00:14:31,639 --> 00:14:38,665 touch now in a while his defense he was 278 00:14:37,339 --> 00:14:41,350 told by a close friend when you're a 279 00:14:38,899 --> 00:14:43,984 star they let you do it you can do 280 00:14:41,449 --> 00:14:46,486 anything you guys are having a hard time 281 00:14:44,749 --> 00:14:48,838 with Jesse Watters right now too he's on 282 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:50,908 a break right now ride he's on a break 283 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:54,727 just like my childhood dog is staying at 284 00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:59,709 a farm upstate I get it I know that move 285 00:14:55,519 --> 00:15:01,850 now I know some of you wondered Hasan 286 00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:04,100 how do you know so much about Fox News 287 00:15:01,085 --> 00:15:05,014 well as a Muslim I like to watch Fox 288 00:15:04,001 --> 00:15:08,290 News for the same reason I like to play 289 00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:10,160 call of duty sometimes I like to turn my 290 00:15:08,389 --> 00:15:12,453 brain off and watch strangers insult my 291 00:15:10,016 --> 00:15:12,885 family and heritage 292 00:15:15,003 --> 00:15:18,042 and thus NBC is here tonight and I'm 293 00:15:17,031 --> 00:15:20,031 glad you guys are here tonight that way 294 00:15:18,069 --> 00:15:25,116 if I'm bombing Brian Williams will 295 00:15:20,031 --> 00:15:28,038 describe it as stunning I think it's 296 00:15:26,016 --> 00:15:30,048 hard to trust you guys when you send us 297 00:15:28,038 --> 00:15:31,116 so many mixed messages on one hand you 298 00:15:30,048 --> 00:15:33,096 tell us the prison industrial complex is 299 00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:38,109 the problem and then you air five 300 00:15:33,096 --> 00:15:39,162 straight hours of lockup you can't be 301 00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:42,078 mad at corporations profiting off of 302 00:15:40,062 --> 00:15:44,094 minorities in prison when you're a 303 00:15:42,078 --> 00:15:49,170 corporation profiting off of minorities 304 00:15:44,094 --> 00:15:52,122 in prison like I have one quick request 305 00:15:50,007 --> 00:15:55,008 MSNBC please tell Rachel Maddow to chill 306 00:15:53,022 --> 00:15:57,054 about Trump stack return tax returns I 307 00:15:55,071 --> 00:15:57,165 don't know what you think you'll find in 308 00:15:57,054 --> 00:15:59,145 there but there isn't going to be a line 309 00:15:58,065 --> 00:16:01,152 item that just says bribes from Russia 310 00:16:00,045 --> 00:16:04,113 that's not how it works it was like oh I 311 00:16:02,052 --> 00:16:06,056 found the 10/40 USSR it doesn't work 312 00:16:05,013 --> 00:16:09,015 like that 313 00:16:06,056 --> 00:16:11,079 you're the liberal news outlet like we 314 00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:13,128 dressed the same I look like a melanin 315 00:16:11,079 --> 00:16:14,145 version of Chris Hayes I want to root 316 00:16:14,028 --> 00:16:17,031 for you guys but you're turning into 317 00:16:15,045 --> 00:16:18,072 conspiracy theorists every night you're 318 00:16:17,031 --> 00:16:20,085 like the Russians after our elections 319 00:16:18,072 --> 00:16:21,117 the Russians after elections meanwhile 320 00:16:20,085 --> 00:16:24,099 everybody Latin America in the Middle 321 00:16:22,017 --> 00:16:28,029 East is like Oh a foreign government 322 00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:33,108 hambert of your election what is that 323 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:37,062 lie do tell MSNBC just pump the brakes 324 00:16:34,089 --> 00:16:37,173 we're only on day a hundred by the end 325 00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,135 of the year you guys all going to have 326 00:16:38,073 --> 00:16:47,079 tin foil you'll have some jars of urine 327 00:16:40,035 --> 00:16:50,043 all over your desk now I had a lot more 328 00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:52,062 MSNBC jokes but I don't want to just 329 00:16:51,015 --> 00:16:54,023 ramble on otherwise I might get a show 330 00:16:52,062 --> 00:16:54,095 on MSNBC 331 00:16:57,829 --> 00:17:03,690 last but not least my favorite 332 00:17:01,025 --> 00:17:08,564 entertainment channel is in the building 333 00:17:03,069 --> 00:17:09,162 tonight CNN is your baby now you guys 334 00:17:08,789 --> 00:17:11,828 got some really weird trust issues going 335 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:13,601 on with the public I'm not going to call 336 00:17:12,179 --> 00:17:19,193 you fake news but everything isn't 337 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:21,164 breaking news yes you can't go to DEFCON 338 00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:25,403 one just because Sanjay Gupta found a 339 00:17:21,209 --> 00:17:27,305 new moisturizer every time a story 340 00:17:26,159 --> 00:17:30,210 breaks you guys go to nine screens nine 341 00:17:28,169 --> 00:17:31,830 boxes on the screen I'm trying to watch 342 00:17:30,021 --> 00:17:36,074 the news not pick a player in street 343 00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:39,120 fighter it's giving me anxiety 344 00:17:36,074 --> 00:17:44,393 it should nine experts on a panel 345 00:17:40,002 --> 00:17:46,041 what is your barrier of entry here to 346 00:17:45,059 --> 00:17:48,780 talk about transportation infrastructure 347 00:17:46,059 --> 00:17:49,082 is my uber driver Gary Erie what do you 348 00:17:48,078 --> 00:17:52,110 got 349 00:17:49,082 --> 00:17:56,100 it just says Gary 4.8 stars he's like I 350 00:17:53,001 --> 00:17:58,580 don't know I got a mint thanks Gary 351 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:03,036 let's go to the countdown clock to the 352 00:17:58,679 --> 00:18:05,702 next countdown clock all you gotta do is 353 00:18:03,036 --> 00:18:06,123 Stoke up conflict done every time I 354 00:18:05,909 --> 00:18:09,870 watch your show it feels like I'm 355 00:18:07,023 --> 00:18:11,097 watching a reality TV show CNN tonight 356 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:14,100 should just be called wait a second now 357 00:18:11,097 --> 00:18:23,786 hold on stop yelling at each other with 358 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:27,039 Don Lemon you know your news right come 359 00:18:24,659 --> 00:18:28,663 on but every time I watch CNN it feels 360 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:31,041 like you're assigning me homework 361 00:18:29,059 --> 00:18:34,121 it's from for Russian spy I don't know 362 00:18:31,059 --> 00:18:42,110 you tell me tweet us at ac360 no you 363 00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:43,100 tell me I'm watching the news 364 00:18:43,035 --> 00:18:50,127 but it feels like I'm watching CNN watch 365 00:18:48,055 --> 00:18:50,127 the news 366 00:18:56,083 --> 00:19:07,115 just take an hour figure out what you 367 00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:10,891 want to say then go um be here for 368 00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:12,017 whenever I turn you guys on it feels 369 00:19:11,179 --> 00:19:16,030 like a little thing just ran into the 370 00:19:12,035 --> 00:19:15,103 room it's trying to tell you a story 371 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:38,033 take a minute drink some milk then tell 372 00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:41,072 us the story wolf I know I'm busting 373 00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:42,071 balls I don't I don't have a solution on 374 00:19:41,072 --> 00:19:48,127 how to win back for us 375 00:19:42,071 --> 00:19:51,071 I don't but in the age it's from I know 376 00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:54,092 that you guys have to be more perfect 377 00:19:51,071 --> 00:19:57,127 now more than ever because you are how 378 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:57,127 the president gets his news 379 00:20:00,001 --> 00:20:09,017 not some advisors not from experts not 380 00:20:05,042 --> 00:20:10,055 from intelligence agencies you guys so 381 00:20:09,026 --> 00:20:12,065 that's why you had to be on your a-game 382 00:20:10,055 --> 00:20:14,063 you got to be twice as good you can't 383 00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:17,066 make any mistakes because when one of 384 00:20:15,035 --> 00:20:20,060 you messes up he blames your entire 385 00:20:17,066 --> 00:20:29,108 group and now you know what it feels 386 00:20:20,006 --> 00:20:30,104 like to be a minority and I think we 387 00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:32,099 some of you guys complaining like what I 388 00:20:31,058 --> 00:20:36,095 got to work twice as hard for half the 389 00:20:32,099 --> 00:20:37,145 credit remember you're a minority you 390 00:20:36,095 --> 00:20:39,116 guys got a lot more experience than me 391 00:20:38,045 --> 00:20:41,084 but I got three decades of being brown 392 00:20:40,016 --> 00:20:43,097 so if you want to survive the age of 393 00:20:41,084 --> 00:20:46,084 Trump you got to think like a minority 394 00:20:43,097 --> 00:20:47,186 and now that you're minority oh man 395 00:20:46,084 --> 00:20:50,111 everyone is going to expect you to be 396 00:20:48,086 --> 00:20:52,094 the mouthpiece for the entire group so I 397 00:20:51,011 --> 00:20:57,035 hate to say it but somewhere right now 398 00:20:53,066 --> 00:21:01,157 all of you being represented by Geraldo 399 00:20:57,035 --> 00:21:03,110 Rivera see now that you're a truly 400 00:21:02,057 --> 00:21:05,129 minority there's a distorted version of 401 00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:09,029 you out there you know Taco Bell for 402 00:21:06,029 --> 00:21:12,124 Mexican culture and Express for Chinese 403 00:21:09,038 --> 00:21:12,124 culture Huffington Post for journalism 404 00:21:14,299 --> 00:21:20,250 and then when you actually manage to do 405 00:21:18,063 --> 00:21:21,084 great work you get hit with the most 406 00:21:20,025 --> 00:21:22,032 condescending line in the English 407 00:21:21,084 --> 00:21:27,043 language 408 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:31,381 hey you're actually one of the good ones 409 00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:36,090 then you have to smile and say thank you 410 00:21:31,669 --> 00:21:36,990 kind of sucks doesn't it by the way you 411 00:21:36,009 --> 00:21:39,057 guys don't really minorities you guys 412 00:21:36,099 --> 00:21:40,148 are super white but because I could see 413 00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:46,095 so MSNBC because we got our minority 414 00:21:41,039 --> 00:21:48,870 card no uh but your work is invaluable 415 00:21:46,095 --> 00:21:51,171 and I mean that as a fake journalist I 416 00:21:48,087 --> 00:21:58,496 am rooting for you we're a hundred days 417 00:21:52,071 --> 00:22:00,159 in 1360 days to go you guys are running 418 00:21:59,279 --> 00:22:04,970 the marathon and I'm at the half mile 419 00:22:01,059 --> 00:22:04,097 mark giving you tape for your nipples 420 00:22:05,045 --> 00:22:09,059 long wishing you nothing but the best 421 00:22:14,015 --> 00:22:28,019 you chase van you will chase a long way 422 00:22:18,289 --> 00:22:31,880 to go this has been one of the strangest 423 00:22:28,019 --> 00:22:34,094 events I have ever done in my life to be 424 00:22:31,088 --> 00:22:37,267 honest with you like I feel like I'm a 425 00:22:34,094 --> 00:22:39,110 tribute in the hunger game like if this 426 00:22:38,059 --> 00:22:47,146 goes poorly Steve Brandon gets to eat me 427 00:22:40,001 --> 00:22:49,043 but I was asked to not roast the 428 00:22:47,929 --> 00:22:51,950 president and administration in their 429 00:22:49,052 --> 00:22:55,088 absentia and I completely understand 430 00:22:51,095 --> 00:22:56,147 that we are in a very strange situation 431 00:22:55,088 --> 00:22:59,150 where there is a very combative 432 00:22:57,047 --> 00:23:04,006 relationship between the press and the 433 00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:07,804 president but now that you guys are 434 00:23:04,429 --> 00:23:09,620 minorities just for this moment you 435 00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:12,322 might understand the position I was in 436 00:23:09,062 --> 00:23:13,621 it and it's the same position a lot of 437 00:23:12,529 --> 00:23:20,360 minority tips feel in this country and 438 00:23:14,179 --> 00:23:23,191 it's you know do I come up here and just 439 00:23:20,036 --> 00:23:27,121 try to fit in and not ruffle any 440 00:23:23,299 --> 00:23:30,373 feathers or do I say how I really feel 441 00:23:28,021 --> 00:23:33,089 because this event is about celebrating 442 00:23:31,039 --> 00:23:36,860 the First Amendment and free speech free 443 00:23:33,089 --> 00:23:38,186 speech is the foundation of an open and 444 00:23:36,086 --> 00:23:43,157 liberal democracy from college campuses 445 00:23:39,086 --> 00:23:46,135 to the White House only in America can a 446 00:23:44,057 --> 00:23:49,109 first-generation Indian American Muslim 447 00:23:46,909 --> 00:23:52,600 kid get on this stage and make fun of 448 00:23:50,009 --> 00:23:52,060 the President 449 00:23:56,299 --> 00:24:04,440 the orange man behind the Muslim van and 450 00:24:02,001 --> 00:24:06,200 it's assigned to the rest of the world 451 00:24:04,044 --> 00:24:08,393 is this amazing tradition that shows the 452 00:24:06,299 --> 00:24:11,970 entire world that even the president is 453 00:24:08,789 --> 00:24:20,610 not beyond the reach of the First 454 00:24:11,097 --> 00:24:23,546 Amendment but the president didn't show 455 00:24:20,061 --> 00:24:25,094 up because Donald Trump doesn't care 456 00:24:24,419 --> 00:24:28,470 about free speech 457 00:24:25,094 --> 00:24:30,176 the man who tweets everything that 458 00:24:28,047 --> 00:24:34,061 enters his head refuses to acknowledge 459 00:24:31,076 --> 00:24:36,123 the amendment that allows him to do it 460 00:24:34,061 --> 00:24:38,133 think about it it's almost what is at 461 00:24:37,023 --> 00:24:42,057 11:00 it's 11:00 p.m. right now in four 462 00:24:39,033 --> 00:24:45,051 hours Donald Trump will be tweeting 463 00:24:42,057 --> 00:24:51,266 about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this 464 00:24:45,051 --> 00:24:58,125 dinner and he'll be doing it completely 465 00:24:51,779 --> 00:25:00,866 sober and that's his right and I'm proud 466 00:24:59,025 --> 00:25:03,674 that all of us are here tonight to 467 00:25:01,649 --> 00:25:07,740 defend that right even if the man in the 468 00:25:03,899 --> 00:25:07,976 White House never would so I'd like to 469 00:25:07,074 --> 00:25:11,123 thank the White House Correspondents 470 00:25:08,669 --> 00:25:13,745 Association for having me here I want to 471 00:25:11,789 --> 00:25:16,320 thank all of you I want to thank 472 00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:20,490 Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a 473 00:25:16,032 --> 00:25:23,058 generation of journalists and I would 474 00:25:20,049 --> 00:25:25,062 like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring 475 00:25:23,058 --> 00:25:28,477 the next thank you so much it's been an 476 00:25:25,062 --> 00:25:30,501 honor good night I love you thank you 477 00:25:28,999 --> 00:25:31,005 you 478 00:25:38,071 --> 00:25:41,139 thank you guys thank you I really 479 00:25:41,038 --> 00:25:46,177 appreciate it thank you 480 00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:46,168 [Applause]