×ÖÄ» I devoted myself to Mark for eight months
×ÖÄ» and he broke up with me in a text message.
×ÖÄ» I think what I did is a reasonable response.
×ÖÄ» Well, I agree that writing him that letter
×ÖÄ» expressing your pain was therapeutic.
×ÖÄ» What I'm not so sure about is...
×ÖÄ» "Wanting to light his hair on fire"
×ÖÄ» "And put it out with a hammer."
×ÖÄ» It just really hurts.
×ÖÄ» I've never had to deal with these emotions before.
×ÖÄ» This is my first time being the dumpee and not the dumper.
×ÖÄ» I've heard that the first time always hurts for the dumper.
×ÖÄ» Okay, Ed, that's definitely another dollar in the jar.
×ÖÄ» No, it's okay. I don't care
×ÖÄ» because he's gonna be dead soon.
×ÖÄ» No, I'm fit as a fiddle.
×ÖÄ» Doc says my stage four homophobia
×ÖÄ» is keeping me young.
×ÖÄ» Ed, this is not the time.
×ÖÄ» The time was, like, 1952.
×ÖÄ» Oh, and here's his huge reason for breaking up with me.
×ÖÄ» He said he wanted to have a fun summer.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God, that's awful.
×ÖÄ» I'm totally gonna use that.
×ÖÄ» When I'm alone, all I think about
×ÖÄ» is parking outside of his house
×ÖÄ» or showing up at his job and screaming at him.
×ÖÄ» Patrick, fixing in on those kinds of thoughts is unhealthy.
×ÖÄ» And I think that it's important
×ÖÄ» not to spend this really critical time alone.
×ÖÄ» I have no one.
×ÖÄ» When Mark left me he took all of our friends,
×ÖÄ» that heartless bastard.
×ÖÄ» - All of them? - Mark was a very likeable guy.
×Ö You don't have to be alone.
Ä» There's people right here
×ÖÄ» in this room that would spend time with you, right, guys?
×ÖÄ» Well, I would, but I want to have a fun summer, too.
×ÖÄ» I'd be happy to hang out with you, Patrick.
×ÖÄ» Well, there you go. Thank you, Lacey.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, and maybe we could chill at your house and watch a movie.
×ÖÄ» Oh, and you could invite that jewelry designer you know.
×ÖÄ» Why would I invite him?
×ÖÄ» So he could fall in love with me and give me a necklace.
×ÖÄ» Lacey, have you ever done something nice
×ÖÄ» for someone without expecting something in return?
×ÖÄ» Of course I have. I always do nice things for other people.
×ÖÄ» Like one time, I told a blind woman she needed a nose job.
×ÖÄ» How else would she know?
×ÖÄ» I'm not sure that counts, Lacey.
×ÖÄ» Actually, I'm positive that doesn't count.
×ÖÄ» Okay, everybody, time's up. See you next session.
×ÖÄ» Hey, Lacey, let's see if you
×ÖÄ» can do one truly selfless thing for someone else.
×ÖÄ» Okay, Charlie. I'll do that.
×ÖÄ» Just for you.
×ÖÄ» - That doesn't count. - Damn.
×ÖÄ» - Hey, Jen. - Hey, Charlie.
×ÖÄ» I got a big favor to ask.
×ÖÄ» I'm thinking about starting a new business
×ÖÄ» and I need $10,000.
×ÖÄ» $10,000?
×ÖÄ» Okay, it's just $1,000. You see what I did there?
×ÖÄ» That's a sales trick I learned at a seminar
×ÖÄ» that you paid $1,000 for.
×ÖÄ» Just so you know, that smile stopped working on me $1,000 ago.
×ÖÄ» This is a huge opportunity.
×ÖÄ» Do you remember that plus-size edible underwear company
×ÖÄ» I tried to start a couple years ago?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, why did you think that would work?
×ÖÄ» Because fat people like to have sex, too,
×ÖÄ» and they really, really like candy.
×ÖÄ» Anyway, I had a bunch of unsold merchandise in my garage
×ÖÄ» and it's been overrun by ants.
×ÖÄ» So you need the money for an exterminator?
×Ö Are you kidding?
Ä» The company that makes
×ÖÄ» the ant farms is looking for ants.
×ÖÄ» Those ants are crawling gold.
×ÖÄ» You know what? You are a public service ad for college.
×ÖÄ» I didn't go to college 'cause I was supporting you.
×ÖÄ» So I never found out what I'm good at.
×ÖÄ» I hear you, Jen, but I'm not so sure that ants are the answer.
×ÖÄ» I don't agree. I think it'd be great.
×ÖÄ» Okay, well, we can talk about it... is that an ant?
×ÖÄ» Son of a bitch! I hate 'em! Ugh!
×ÖÄ» Charlie, you've got to help me find something.
×ÖÄ» Patrick? What are you still doing here?
×ÖÄ» Oh, I'm just thinking about what it's gonna be like to be alone.
×ÖÄ» Today, tonight,
×ÖÄ» tomorrow day, tomorrow night,
×ÖÄ» the next day,
×ÖÄ» and the next night.
×ÖÄ» Okay, I see where this is going.
×ÖÄ» Look, I would love to let you hang out,
×ÖÄ» but my dad's coming for dinner tonight.
×ÖÄ» I've cancelled on him 12 times in the last two weeks.