[wolf howling]
Subtitles by explosiveskull
♪
(distant voices) Deb or Deborah, never Debbie.
Leave the faggy ties at home, okay?
I'm fuckin' this cat. You just hold the legs.
Got it?
See you never, flame sauce.
[snoring]
She put the MILF in Milford High.
Now, she's behind bars!
Debbie Ward, a former Texas Teacher of the Year...
...tried to rig last year's contest
so her daughter could win.
Ow! Shit!
Yeah, she kidnapped her daughter's main rival,
a Miss Bianca del Rio,
who I was shocked to find out was a dude.
She basically got our teacher fired
for just being gay!
That's when the notorious New York homosexual
returned to Milford High as the fabulous Bianca del Rio.
Now she don't even look like a woman!
What kind of unnatural woman?!
He's biting me!
(Reporter) A snake attack at a local high school.
Did her breast implants save her life?
[screaming]
Then Miss del Rio got her revenge,
and it was so good.
This is not true!
This is a conspiracy!
Vice Principal Deborah Ward exposed as
the infamous Miss First.
Taker of underaged male virginities.
Okay, you don't have to push me.
That tampering Texas temptress, Debbie Ward,
maintains her innocence.
And to this day insists that Bianca del Rio, not she...
...is the one who should be locked up in the County Jail.
Lock her up!
Rise and shine, bitch!
[gasps] What are you doin' here?
You wanted me punished?
Well, here I am.
Who'd have thought they'd make us cellmates.
Life's pretty fucked up, isn't it?
This can't be happenin'.
We're gonna be prison pals.
We're gonna eat together.
We're gonna sleep in the same cell.
We're gonna watch each other on the toilet.
Help! Someone get me out of here!
We're gonna be together a long time, you and I.
No hard feelings, Debbie.
I might even give you a makeover.
You'd look really pretty bald. [chuckles]
Now, make sure no one's coming,
‘cause I've got to take a huge dump,
and boy is it is gonna stink!
[screaming loudly]
Bianca!
One more night terror for the road, I guess.
Lucky you.
Now get up.
Time for your release.
Take a seat.
We just have some forms for you to fill out and, uh,
a little somethin' special before you go.
I just want to thank you.
This whole experience has been a revelation for me.
I'm a new woman.
Sure you are.
You know I was worried that bein' in solitary for so long
that you might have missed out on some of the pleasures
that prison life has to offer.
Oh, but I didn't.
That first night in solitary,
with the cockroaches crawling around my ears,
I didn't think I was gonna make it.
But then, I saw him.
Saw who?
My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I smashed a cockroach up against the wall with my bare hands
and there he was in the goo, the face of Jesus!
And right then, I knew I was born again.
Again.
Okay, I don't think that's a thing.
Oh, it is.
I baptized myself in the toilet just to be sure.
And now that I'm gettin' out,
I'm gonna do the work God intended me to do.
Charity shit or somethin'?
I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio!
Excuse me?
With kindness.
I'm gonna kill her with Christian kindness.
That's one crazy bitch.
She can't even spell. Look at this shit.
[thunder rumbling]
Watch out, Bianca del Rio.
[smacks lips] I'm comin' for ya!
Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?
Ow! No!
♪
[maniacal laughter]
[school bell ringing]
No, no, Melanie.
I'm pretty sure that the Earth is round.
- Hey, Mr. Martinez? - Uh, yeah.
Can you tell me about Sputnik again?
Oh, look at you, taking interest in class.
Isn't Sputnik Russian for potato?
Well, actually, Sputnik was launched in 1957.
You remember that year...
That was the year that your grandmother slept with her uncle
and gave birth to your dad-cousin.
[all laughing]
- Bye, Mr. Martinez. - Bye, kids.
Listen, make sure you get those term papers done.
They are due in a week.
And I know you potheads don't want to spend
your spring break doing homework.
Surprise, bitch!
Oh! Oh, ho-ho!
What are you doing here?
And Rex. Ooh... Ooh...
Where is Bailey?
Oh, honey, I left Bailey kenneled up in New York City.
She's fine.
But Rex here is a helpless baby person
and she couldn't be left alone, so tada!
[loudly] Hello, Rex. How was rehab?
This bar looks closed.
That's ‘cause it's a high school, baby.
You expect Rex to know what a high school is?
He was educated in a Barbie Dream House.
When you pull the string, the elevator goes up.
Ooh, Science 101.
Oh, Mama, it's gotten worse.
I asked her for directions on the way here.
She pointed at the windshield and said...
We're going that way.
Well, I'm glad to see not much has changed.
Especially not in this small-ass Texas town.
Bitch, it still looks like 1865.
Why are you still here?
Well, someone has to teach these inbred twats
that the world is older than those pants.
Really, girl?
Navy blue capri-length at your age?
My age?
You have been gone from New York City for a while.
These came back.
This bar looks dead and I finished my drink.
Wait a minute. Have you been drinking lighter fluid?
I'm hoping that's just alcohol in a flask
because she downed the last of my Xanax with that shit.
Thought they were Mentos.
The fresh maker.
She should be dead, right?
Years ago.
Come on. Let's give you a ride to your place.
Come on, girl, I got my car back!
- Did you get your license back? - Well, technically, no.
Oh, come on, Rex baby. Put her in back. Baby seat.
I think the lesson is:
make sure your husband's penis isn't inside the sink drain
before you turn on the garbage disposal.
Thanks for the tip!
And later in the show we've got Marsha Marshall,
who is gonna show us ten different ways
to decorate your cat for Easter.
Meow!
But first, back in the news, in the headlines, Russia.
Vladimir Putin has assigned
a new Prime Minister of Homosexual Propaganda,
Svetslap Zlopa━
Svetlana Zlopasnost.
Oh! Well, there you go. That is a mouthful.
Yikes! She looks like fun at a party.
Unless your party is gay,
because those are illegal!
That's right, you Russian queers.
Don't even think about decorating your cat for Easter.
You might land in jail. [chuckles]
Does Russia even celebrate Easter?
Other countries are just so weird.
[TV audio] Oh, don't talk bad about Russia
They might hack your emails.
Mama, you're back! What happened?
They released me.
No one was there to pick me up, so I had to walk home.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
It's okay. Walk did me good.
Gave me time to clear my head and to think.
I came up with six new ways
to get Bianca del Rio fired and out of our lives.
All I need is a t-shirt cannon and four live raccoons.
Mama, you need to forget her.
After the trial and all that publicity,
there's nothing the district can do to get rid of her.
It's over.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let Bianca del Rio win.
- Uh-uh! - Well, we need money.
We're two payments behind on the mortgage.
Rent-A-Center repossessed the recliner.
And remember how my boobs popped?
Of course.
The doctors says if I can't get on next season of “Botched”"
it's gonna be $10,000 for reconstructive surgery.
That's if I want them the same size.
- As before? - As each other!
Mama, we are broke.
These little schemes of yours just make things worse.
Is this what you want?
A world where freaks and homosexuals
get to do whatever they desire?
Nuh-uh.
I did not pray to President Trump every morning
to turn this country into a big transgender toilet.
How are we gonna make America great again
with Bianca del Rio still in it?
Oh!
Where's my chair?
It's okay, Mama.
We're gonna get you a job
and we're gonna get back on our feet again,
get me back into a bra again.
Oh, prison was so hard! Carly, you don't even know!
I'd eat soup with a spork.
Our Christmas eggnog was spiked with Old Spice.
Gettin' revenge on Bianca
was the only thing gettin' me through.
There, there, Mama.
What are you watchin'?
“Texas Today.” I never miss a show.
(TV) Some “human rights activists” are mad
because in Russia they can throw anyone
they even suspect of being gay
in jail without a trial.
Well, you know me.
- I don't hate the homosexuals. - No.
Even after Roger burned my neck with a curling iron last week -
and I still think it was on purpose.
But, you know, you could
still be fired here just for bein' gay.
But that doesn't mean you have to be mad about it
and start waving your hands in the air with a hot iron.
You should be grateful for what you have.
Exactly.
Just because it's legal to discriminate against anyone
at a bakery anytime, anywhere,
at least we're not throwin' you in prison.
Right.
You think Texas is bad,
you should try to go to Saudi Arabia, Roger!
It's worse than Russia.
They throw homosexuals off buildings there.
My God, that is not fun and it's very humid.
Nice dress, Deborah.
When Rent-A-Center took your recliner,
I see they left you with the fabric.
[maniacal laughter]
[grunting]
[screaming]
[maniacal laughter]
Maybe those terrorist Arabs are onto something.
Ah, great.
Another episode of "Little House on the Dreary."
Where does Ma Ingalls keep her moonshine?
The alcohol's above the sink in the kitchen.
Anything under the sink is poison.
So help yourself to whatever you want down there.
I cannot believe that you brought Rex in effect here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I thought he needed a change of scenery,
and he's not the only one.
Seriously.
Here you are.
You're still at that same school,
still in this same old raggedy-ass house.
Uh, girl, I moved.
Still in a new raggedy house,
still with those glasses.
And I know damn well that Lasik has made it to Texas.
Baby, you know they'll take any excuse they can
to shoot someone in the face around here.
I am so glad that you drove all the way from Fire Island
in a rented car to criticize my life.
Me, too, sis.
Great catchin' up.
Okay, listen. I'm fine here.
- Did ya get the raise? - No.
Sleepin' with the hot coach?
- No! - Then how is any of this fine?
And I'm not even talkin' about those hideous-ass curtains.
- Ah... - Listen.
Bianca made you sort of famous.
Well, gay famous, which is like straight famous
except you don't make as much money.
And in America, the only reason to be famous is to -
say it with me now -
get laid and get paid.
Yeah. I read your shirt.
I made that shirt... and this.
I make things.
I'm a maker... the fresh maker.
Weeee!
[Rex gurgles]
Yeah... Uh, listen.
You need more Bianca in your life.
No! Bianca is upstairs in the closet where she belongs.
Nobody wants to see anymore Bianca,
much less Bianca teaching Chemistry.
Bianca does not just have to teach.
Look, Ambrosia Salad's been wearing that same ass-green wig
and same broken-down heels since Stonewall,
and she's still making the money, honey.
What is so wrong with me being here teaching?
That's what I moved here to do.
- Well... - There's a...
You know what! Enough about me.
Okay... Better question.
Are you staying for dinner?
Yes or no? Because I've got a box of wine
that isn't gonna drink itself.
A girl's night in?
Mm-hmm.
You had me at box, bitch.
[both laughing] Come on, girl.
Don't shit in my skillet!
Ooh, shit.
♪
I made coffee.
What happened last night? I can't remember anything.
This is vodka!
It's coffee-flavored.
You bitches put me through it last night
and that is not helping.
- Oh, girl. - Oh!
You're just out of practice, that's all.
Yeah. It's as easy as falling off a bike.
I never forget how.
We had fun... and you let loose.
And we even got a little Bianca del Rio up in there.
What? Oh! God.
Oh... I'm not sure this is progress.
I finally met the famous Bianca del Rio.
And she's a lot more fun than you, believe me.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, wh- what's with the bags?
Under your eyes?
Just passin' through, honey.
Bye, girls.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Where are you going?
Where are you going?!!
I know you just didn't come here for an intervention.
No, but I could have.
Now sister, listen.
What I say next to you,
I say with the light of the sweet Baby Jesus.
Look at what you've become -
an elderly woman living alone on a fixed income.
You make money, but you never make enough to leave.
That's called Texas Holdem.
I think I have a deck of cards in my ass.
Look, I'm from here. I know how it is.
Pull Bianca out of that genie bottle
and make your escape now.
Oh, great!
And just go back to New York with the two of you?
Oh, not New York, honey.
I am going to Hollywood.
Well, technically, Long Beach, but...
It's like Hollywood but for lesbians and fat people.
I'm performing on a cruise ship.
Cruise ship? How are you gonna take Rex on a cruise ship?
He can barely stand up on dry land.
Oh, I'm not going.
I'm staying here with you.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
- No, no. - Ah, yes.
No! You are not leaving me with this thing!
Maybe the sweet Texas sun has made your brain soft.
Rex is your problem; Bailey is mine.
That's how this whole
Little Sisters, Big Messes program works.
I have been gone for over a year.
Rex is no longer my problem.
When you temporarily left, you took your little goldfish,
but you left your not-quite fish with me.
Now I've got bigger fish to fry, so Rex is yours again.
(Rex) I'm fine.
I just need some electrolytes.
- No, no, no, no... - Oh, yes...
Get out of my car!
You did not bring him here before.
Why are you bringing him here now?
Because before he had a man,
but since he swallowed that bag of pennies, well...
Is this Red Bull or Gatorade?
That's antifreeze! Get away from there!
Ha, ha! I told you you'd be a good mom,
and not just because of your hips.
Your life was empty.
I gave it purpose.
You're welcome, bitch.
- No, no, no, no. - You're welcome!
- Do not do this to me. - I'm goin', bitch.
Do not do this to me.
- Write me on the cruise. - Stephen, this is not fair!
I hope you fall on the propeller, you nasty bitch.
- No! - Oh, yes!
I'll never let go, Jack.
Go fish!
Fuck!
Weee!
I thought you were nocturnal creatures.
Go on, get out of here! Get out of here!
Keep your Bianca faces away from me.
Look, Mama. I'm pretty again.
Yeah. It looks like
you're smuggling fenders across the border.
Don't worry, Carly.
You'll get your real fake boobs soon.
I've got a plan.
A job plan, right?
Not an overly complicated revenge plot.
Got bit by those raccoons, by the way.
What's the worst place on Earth?
Texas in July?
Worse than Texas.
Bigger than Texas.
Stricter than Texas.
Russia?
That's where vodka gets born.
And elections get stolen.
Who cares when you're the winner!
“An all-expense-paid, first class ticket to Moscow.”
This smells like a scam.
Don't look a gift whore in the mouth,
because she probably has jacked-up teeth. [giggles]
I mean, how did I win a contest that I didn't even enter?
Because you didn't win.
Look... Bianca won.
“We're pleased to honor the Teacher of the Year,
Bianca del Rio,
at the annual Alchemy and Manufactory Exposition
and present her with a cash prize of $100,000
paid in real American money.”
Seems legit.
I guess this means Bianca's coming back.
Crunch!
I was watchin' that show you like,
and they were talkin' about how they throw gays
off buildings in Saudi Arabia.
And I'm thinkin', “How do I get Bianca del Rio to Riyadh?”
You can't throw someone off a building, Mama.
I know. I mean they barely let you drive there.
So then I'm thinkin', okay,
what's the next best worst place there is.
Russia!
Well, why would Bianca del Rio go to Russia?
Easy. I sent her a letter sayin' she won this teachin' award,
only she has to go to Russia to get it.
Knowin' her, that's an offer her ego can't refuse.
And once they get a good look at her,
they'll know she's a queer-bait drag-queen freak
and lock her up.
Right, so pack those fun bags!
We're goin' to Russia!
I can't just fly to Russia.
It's the middle of the school year.
[hiccups]
How drunk are you?
I'm completely sober.
This is my one hour chip.
I'm full.
And you can't go either.
You said that you just got that job off your app.
I did! Last night in the park.
I know you think I don't work hard,
but I'll work two jobs at once if I have to,
or if one of them is really hot.
Remember when I told you that when you talk
it makes people sad?
What have you got to lose?
Call the number on the letter.
If it's legit, free trip to Russia -
and all that money!
Well, the expo is during spring break,
and $100,000 is a lot of money.
And as much as I hate to admit it, Stephen was right.
There's absolutely nothing keeping me here in Texas.
Less than nothing.
Okay, fine.
Dasvidaniya, Texas!
Bianca del Rio's goin' to Russia!
[both laughing, cheering]
I can't wait to see Bianca in action.
No, no, no. You're not coming with me.
I'm sure there's some long-term kennel I can put you in.
You owe me.
You left New York, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Bitch, you were in the ICU.
Oh, yeah. That was a fun party.
Well, if I can't go to Russia, I guess I'll just stay here,
unattended.
Hey, you don't need your cleaning deposit back, do you?
Okay. Put it down. Fine, fine, fine.
Bianca and Rex are going to Russia.
[cheering]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
And listen. We are going as friends.
Don't get handsy, ‘cause if you do,
I'm gonna throw you in the dumpster,
like the one you were born in on prom night.
I- I-I just need to check in with the CDC before I go.
They always like to know where I am.
And now I have to take a Silkwood Shower.
It's gross.
So how does sending Bianca to Russia
get us out of debt and me in a bigger bra?
First, we go to Russia.
Then, we watch the Minister of Homosexual Propaganda
put Bianca in jail forever.
Next, we get your boobs fixed dirt cheap in Moscow.
That whole country's like one giant Dollar Store.
Then, with Bianca out of the picture,
I'd get my old job back at the school.
I mean it's lose, win-win-win.
Wait. If we can't even afford a recliner,
how are we gonna afford to get to Russia?
Well, I may have had myself declared legally dead
and collected the insurance money
by pretendin' to be my imaginary twin sister.
But we'll sort all that out when we get back...
from Russia!
Woo-hoo!
Do you have any more wig glue? I'm out.
I told you not to huff that stuff.
You barely have a two-digit IQ as it is.
I use it for legitimate purposes.
I've been downloading a lot of apps on my phone -
translators, local restaurant guides, both hookup apps.
Apparently there's a lot of bears in Russia
that are lesbians.
[laughing]
Where do you think you're going dressed like that?
Moscow!
How are you gonna get through airport security?
Okay, I'll change, but I don't want to miss our 9:00 flight.
Yeah, 9... 9 PM! At night!
On Saturday!
It's Wednesday, you dink.
Here.
Now listen. I've got two more days at the high school
before we're outta here.
Do not swallow a jar-full of pennies while I'm gone.
That only happened once.
[ship horn blows]
Mama, why does Bianca get to fly first class to Russia
and we're stuck hidin' in this shipping container?
I had to be sure Bianca took the bait.
Also, now that I'm legally dead,
I technically don't have a passport anymore.
Why's your bag movin'?
Oh, I brought one of the raccoons along
in case we need it.
Or if we get hungry...
It's gonna be a long trip.
- Old Spice? - No.
Woo!
Ah!
[raccoon chatters]
♪
I'm convinced that the movie “Psycho”
was filmed in that bathroom.
Twinsies!
Oh, thank God.
The only thing that would make this room worse
is havin' to share a bed with you.
You should be so lucky.
You know this place is really, really gross.
It makes Motel 6 look high-end.
No wonder Tolstoy was so depressing.
Right?
Remember in Tolstoy Three when they were
all holding hands in the furnace?
I didn't know a cartoon could wreck my shit like that.
You should talk less and maybe read more.
At least the room comes with a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah, well, we could use that as disinfectant.
I can see Alaska from my room!
I don't think so.
Hiiiii-eeeeee!
Yeah, well luckily, we're not gonna have to be here long,
just a few days.
Well, we got to soak up some local color.
Oh, God.
I want to go down to the Expo and let them know that I'm here.
“House Hunters”! I love this show.
[TV, with Russian accent] I like house number one.
The open-concept kitchen had good flow between
the living room and bedroom because no interior walls.
But we'd have to draw water from the well out back
since it didn't have indoor plumbing.
Neither did house number three.
The crumbling living room walls let in a lot of natural light,
which we need because someone stripped the copper wiring.
Th-that desperate hovel was great,
but I-I-I don't like a wall with so many nails in it.
We aren't royalty.
I liked house number two. It's in our price range.
But on the small side
and a little too close to Chernobyl.
Yes, but the interior walls and the updated bathroom sold me.
I think house number two.
Our nice, young heterosexual couple chose correctly.
The second house with its modern décor,
functioning appliances
and a tasteful use of rich colors,
obviously the work of a deviant homosexual who must be punished!
"House Hunters" has gone downhill
since they got rid of Suzanne Whang.
That's not “House Hunters.” That's “Homo Hunters.”
And look! It's that Svetlana -
that Russian bitch.
She's the Minister of Homosexual Propaganda.
She's the one that puts all the gays in prison.
For making her wear that jacket?
No, asshole, for being gay!
Russia has very strict laws,
which is why it's very important for you to be inconspicuous.
Do you know what that word means?
Inconspicuous is my middle name.
I have mean parents.
Hey, girls!
So much for being inconspicuous!
What? I don't want people to know we're at a science fair.
All we have to do is find the coordinator
and let them know that Bianca will be here tomorrow
to collect the check, and then we're out of here.
Siri. How do you say “hot nerd” in Russian?
(phone) I am not Siri, you capitalist pig.
- See. - Just look around.
You don't need an app for that.
Ugh! My boredom is zero feet away.
[indistinct chatter]
[Russian accent] To light bulb, we cut potato in half.
Find two coins if you can spare them,
two nails from house next door,
and a little bit of copper wire.
Now, copper wire is easy to fetch from the neighbor,
because once you take the two nails the house falls down.
He's cute.
When we get back to the hotel, remind me to go
down to the basement and find your standards.
Standards? Coming from you?
You're the one that found the sex offender registry
and thought it was a dating site.
Add all these materials together to the potato
and we are making electricity.
Any questions?
Da.
When do we eat potato?
Oh.
How many share in one-half potato?
Whole family?
Potatoes for making electricity. Not for eating.
[all sigh]
Hi. I-I'm Richard Martinez,
and I'm a science teacher from America and...
...and this is my friend Rex,
and we've come here for the, uh, science expo.
Hi. Mitya.
Short for Dmitriy.
Mitya, nice to meet ya'.
[chuckling]
Oh, look!
Anything else.
We can get lunch soon, Mama.
That raccoon wasn't very filling.
Yeah, yeah. I just got to find Bianca
and then get the police to rush in here and arrest her.
It will be glorious!
Why did the Russian hooker pee on the mattress?
‘Cause she thought it was you, Deborah!
[gasps] Fake news!
[screaming]
Hasta la pavement, bitch!
Debbieeee!!!!
[laughs maniacally]
She's dressed as Richard?!
How am I gonna get the police to arrest her
if she's just a run-of-the-mill gay burger
without the flame sauce and extra cheese?
Mmm, cheese... You're makin' me hungry.
Come on. Let's go back to the hotel.
I know how to get rid of her there.
America is a long way to come just for a little Alchemy Expo.
Well, I'm...
I mean, a friend of mine is getting a prize.
So I only came here tonight to, uh, meet up with the organizer.
Ah, Sacha is gone already, but will be back tomorrow.
Will, um, you be here tomorrow?
Yes.
I see you then?
Sure.
- Okay. - Okay.
See you then.
- Da. - Mm-hmm.
- Ya. - See you then.
Bye-bye.
Ahhh!
Bye-bye...
Please don't die.
All I'm sayin' is keep it in your panties.
Russia's already dangerous enough for the both of us
without you making a spectacle of yourself.
Oh, don't come for me.
I saw you over there with the queen of the nerd herd.
God, your meet cute was so pathetic,
if I still had the gag reflex I'd barf.
Mitya was the only interesting person at that place.
And really, is that what they call
a science fair here in Russia?
Pretty flimsy for a country that hacked elections.
Exactly! Which doesn't explain
how they could afford those plane tickets
and the $100,000 prize.
You always overthink everything.
You know what...
You always under-think everything.
You see? You see what you did there?
You and Stephen always say that we're friends,
but you talk about me like I'm your nephew with Alzheimer's.
All I'm saying is that you should trust me more.
Why don't you just relax
and enjoy all that Russia has to offer?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relax. Enjoy...
[gasps] Oh!!!
[Russian accent] Is this your room?
Uh, ye-yeah.
What seems to be the trouble, officer?
Whose suitcase is this?
- Oh... - Bianca.
Is Bianca flaming drag queen or degenerate homosexual?
Yes.
Actually, Bianca was gonna take, uh, these clothes and... wigs
to her mother's to cheer her up because, uh, she's really sick.
Cancer.
[feigns cough]
Hmm!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
I- I-I ju-had, just...
Oh, great. Great. [car doors slam]
So far, your plan of relaxing and waiting to see
what Russia has in store for us really worked out great.
Didn't it? Now what are we gonna do?
Now that the police have confiscated all of our drag!
I went through your bag.
Most of it was from an outlet mall anyway.
There was 50 cents in my purse.
We'll replace the rest when we go home.
They're expecting Bianca del Rio tomorrow at the expo.
But how is Bianca gonna go there and collect $100,000 check
when Bianca's being hauled away in a bag?!
You can use my outfit. You can have my wig.
We'll let this dress out in the back... A lot.
And nobody will know any better.
Well, that's not gonna work because they've probably already
seen pictures of me on the internet.
Internet?! They barely have electricity.
You've seen your boyfriend and his potato.
It's pathetic.
Bianca has brown hair, and that dress of yours
is a walking bacterial test strip!
What we need to do is find somebody
in this country that has drag.
We can create a new Bianca.
I can go in, collect the check, and get the hell out of here!
Because the longer we stay here, the bigger chance we have
of somebody giving us a one-way ticket to a Siberian hell hole!
You're so dramatic.
Fine. I'll ask some guys on this app
if there is a gay bar around here.
I'm sure there's a tragic drag show.
There always is.
We'll steal some looks, collect that check,
and head back to Texas. [feigns gagging]
What do you know!
I guess I do have some gag reflex left.
I'm full of surprises. [giggles]
[scoffs] Gross.
Mama, you'll never guess what I got.
Stop scratchin' or it won't heal right.
It's not gonna heal right until that doctor fixes me.
We've been in Moscow two hours and Bianca isn't in jail yet.
What kind of country is this?
We called the police and reported
a room-full of flaming drag queens and homosexuals.
What more can we do?
Can we please get some lunch and find that doctor?
We'll get some food on the way.
Those queer burgers found a gay bar they're goin' to.
This could be our big break.
Mm... Burgers.
But first...
we'll need a disguise.
Where are we?
I don't know. We're in Russia.
It smells like desperation.
We must be close.
[knocks on door]
Da?
Glasnost!
♪ Spread my wings and fly... ♪
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
♪ She's an undercover ♪
♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪
[Russian accent] Welcome to Club Katya.
I am your hostess, Katya.
Hello, Katya.
This is my friend Rex, and my name is Richard.
Ah, yes. Nice to meet ya!
Oh.
Mwah. [chuckling nervously]
Hmm.
Uh, I was wondering, Katya, if you could help us out.
I'm looking for some drag.
Oh, perfect.
This is Gorky Park.
She is one of our very best drag.
Huge, enormous talent! And that is no fat joke.
♪ She's an uncover girl... ♪
♪ Girl, girl... ♪
♪ And she's gonna save the world ♪
♪ World... ♪
♪ She's an undercover girl ♪
I'm actually looking for some drag, as-
as in clothing, for myself.
Huh?
It's a really long story.
Well, long story made bearable by vodka.
Come this way.
What kind of a plastic surgeon has an office in an alley?
This is not as comfortable as I thought.
Focus up. Bianca del Rio's in there.
I need you to go in there
and come back out with a full report.
If we're lucky, police will round up the whole fruit basket.
When I have a student, they get class and sass.
When Deborah has a student, they get wrinkly old ass.
[laughs]
Class dismissed!
[screaming] Deb!
Now go! Go!
But, Mama...
Oh, and watch out for that eye hole.
They say they're not interested in your lady business.
With these foreign perverts, you never know.
Go.
You got this.
[door squeaks]
[sniffs]
[scoffs]
♪
So let me understand...
You are found out to be gay teacher and then fired.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, and then sent to prison?
No, no, no.
I actually went back to school in drag as Bianca del Rio.
Oh. So you are found out in drag
and then sent to prison?
No, no. I'm still teaching there.
The person that fired me is the one who's in jail.
This Texas, it must be magical place.
What's the winter like?
Bitter and haunting?
Uh, no, not haunting. It's just pretty average.
Oh! Let us drink to Texas, the magical kingdom of paradise.
You know, I never thought about it that way,
but Texas doesn't even sound that bad
compared to Russia after all.
Ugh.
When I think of the sad times here in Russia, I say to myself,
“Katya. At least you're not living in Saudi Arabia.”
They have the killings, of course,
but think of desert drag.
Sand up your tuck?
It's disgusting.
Well, look at the bright side.
You could probably make a pearl.
I could have pearl necklace?
[chuckles]
You know, I'm-I'm- I'm just curious.
It's like, why are all these posters up
of this Svetlana bitch?
Uck! The queens here are obsessed with her.
But isn't she the one who hates all the gays?
Yes, but not always so.
She was at one time Moscow's biggest, how you say like, um,
stick witch.
- Fag hag? - Da!
It was the classic tale.
Woman love gays.
Gays love woman.
Woman turns her hair red.
Gays talk shit at brunch.
Woman becomes Minister of Homosexual Propaganda,
sends all her gay friends to the Siberian work camp.
Woo! That must have been some brunch.
No, it was an awful brunch.
One egg and piece of toast for a party of twelve.
There is nothing worse than a hungry queen.
Gorky Park was one of them.
She was the only survivor.
What happened to everyone else?
She ate them.
Look at that fat fucking bitch.
How else would you survive winter in Siberia?
Anyways, I'm sorry I become emotional.
[sighs] Let me ask you.
Who is this weird guy you are hanging out with?
He is boyfriend?
Boyfriend?
Oh, with Rex?
Oh, God, that's not my boyfriend.
He's somewhere around here.
He was whistling at some guy earlier.
Oh, that's him right there by the bathroom.
I don't suck dick, but I'll put it in my mouth
till the swelling goes down.
[giggles, then sighs]
I arrest you.
Oh yes, daddy!
Oh!...
Oh, wait. You're serious.
You, too, tranny.
[squeals] Get your hands off of me.
Oh, no! Secret police!
I'm not one of them!
Hold that thought.
[siren blaring]
Oh, no! The paddy wagon!
[screams]
[inaudible chatter]
Nyet!
[bike bell rings] Weeee!
Wait! Wait!
You!
[gasps]
[crowd yelling, screaming]
This whole trip -
I should have known you were behind it!
Eat trash, sissy pants!
Aw, fuck!
Ahhh! Hey!
[cackles]
[both yelling]
Son of a bitch!
Mama!
[laughing victoriously]
Mama!
[breathing heavily] So-so what'd you do
to get out of jail, Deborah?
Did ya have sex with the warden?
I know that he's your uncle.
Oh, save your insults, Bianca del Richard,
‘cause now I'm the one holdin' the cat
and you're the one fuckin' his legs.
Wait. Hold on.
How tight are your Spanx, Deborah?
Is it cuttin' off the circulation to your brain?
I mean, what have you done here?
Revenge!
I finally got revenge on Miss Bianca del Rio!
Really queen, revenge?
I'm the one standing here
and your daughter's being hauled away to jail.
Yeah, technically that wasn't part of the plan.
Yeah, and... now we've lost them.
Well, I got you!
Wait, hold up.
I don't know the way back to the hotel.
Wait for me.
[laughs]
[chattering back and forth]
Do you have any idea how dangerous Russia is?
We should not have come here in the first place.
No! You never shoulda come to Texas.
You brought this on yourself, gay boy.
All I wanted to do was teach.
You were the one who shoulda been
minding your own fucking business.
You queers shouldn't be around children.
Funny coming from you.
Aren't you the one who got caught having sex
with a high school student, Miss First?!
He looked legal - from the waist down.
You're just jealous.
The only person endangering a child around here is you.
Where's your daughter Carly? In jail?
She knew there might be sacrifices.
Besides, it was worth it
seein' that hooker friend of yours locked up.
She prefers whore.
Oh yeah? Well, you're next, flame sauce.
You better watch yourself.
Where are you going?
Oh, I got the room next door.
Got a special rate.
[scoffs]
[phone buzzing]
This bitch.
Perfect timing.
Sorry to interrupt nothing.
Rex wasn't answering his phone.
Where is he?
Another Netflix and chill?
Hulu and hump?
Amazon and anal?
We're in Russia. Rex is in a Gulag.
Come on, girl. Who's Gulag?
It's a Russian prison.
They've taken Rex, they've taken my Bianca drag,
and I'm in some hideous hotel with Deborah.
She set me up, again.
Well, I guess now is not the best time to tell you
that I'm not really on a cruise ship, girl.
I'm a contestant on “RuPaul's Drag Race.”
[giggles]
Well, if you're calling already
I guess we're both not getting $100,000.
Sister, how dare you say that!
Do you know what I've been goin' through over here, girl?
Save it, Martin Luther Queen.
I'm in a jam here.
I've got to find a way to get Rex out of prison
and get us back to America.
And drag alone ain't gonna fix it.
Bianca del Rio solved your Deborah problem before.
Now I know she can do it again.
Listen, if drag can fix a face like yours...
Uh, I'm hanging up now.
- Nice try, Bitch. - Thanks, girl.
Did you see it, girl? They pulled a pag. Woo!
It's all right. There's always All Stars.
Bitch!
You know you're not supposed to be on your phone.
Listen, I need your help pullin' together some new looks.
It's an emergency.
That's what I told you on the runway, fag.
Now get!
Bunny, reach up into that Moroccan bizarre up on your head
and pull me out a #12 brunette wig now.
Does anyone else around here
hear an irritating screeching voice that just won't quit!
La-la-la-la-la-la!
We have to help Bianca del Rio.
Oh, the one whose face looks like a smashed-in piñata?
I cannot believe you would say something like...
- But! - Yes, ma'am.
Anything to shut you up.
Just reach into the left,
passed the gerbil cage, which is open.
Oh! I think I found Natalee Holloway.
♪
I know that you're following me.
[with Russian accent] Is not me. Is bowl of borscht!
Fresh meat.
More like day-old bread back.
Someone smells fishy... Too fishy.
They think I'm one of you.
If by one of you, you mean a blond slut, then yes.
Yes, ya are.
The guard called me a tranny. He said I had a meaty tuck.
I know you. You're the girl from Richard's school.
Your mother's insane and a snake bit your boobs off.
Did we meet back in Texas?
Oh, no. Stephen made a picture book
for me to read on the way so I would know
who all the players are,
and he did not do you justice, girl.
[giggles] What are they gonna do to us in here?
Keep us here forever, if they want.
That's not fair.
Welcome to my world,
which now that they think you're one of us is your world, too.
That's how it is.
Fire us, imprison us, don't text us back -
whatever they want.
I'm sorry. I didn't know it would be like this.
Oh, you're from Texas.
I'm sure there's a lot you don't know.
I'm Vickie Leaks.
I run this joint.
What are you in for, fish stick? That dress?
No, for cutting hog-bodied queens who wear Jaclyn Smith
and try to start what they can't finish.
Honey, Rampage is a brand, not a way of life.
Don't take it out on me because you aged out of Wet Seal.
I've got a knife up in my wig. Let's dance, bitch.
Simmer down, Hot Topic!
I'm just taking your temperature.
Thanks for that.
Do you really have a knife in your wig?
An emery board and lipstick.
[chuckles]
I'm Carly, by the way.
I'm Rex... And don't worry about her.
She's just testing you.
The first night it's all about trying to see how tough you are.
Anyone tries to mess with you, you just mess right back.
Hopefully, my mom will be here soon to get me out.
The same mother who tried to use you
to exact her revenge on someone else?
You're not her accomplice; you're her victim.
You think so?
I can speak for many a queen when I say
you cannot let a bad mother
keep in the way of you being fabulous.
You've got a cute face and legs, legs, legs.
[giggles]
I've spent my whole life hatin' homosexuals,
but you're really nice.
Oh, no, girlie. I'm mean as hell.
You're just seeing me as a real person for the first time.
That's all we are. We're all just people.
Except that bitch. I don't know what she is.
You wanna play Go Fishy?
Did you smuggle that deck of cards in your wig, too?
The cavity search wasn't very thorough...
Unfortunately.
[crashing sound]
I'm no Jessica Fletcher,
but I know when I'm being followed!
Come on out, Deborah.
How'd you know it was me?
I have eyes.
Yeah, four eyes!
[both laughing facetiously]
Look, Deborah, I'm gonna temporarily ignore
your psychotic blend of down-home homophobia
and lack of southern charm.
Considering we both have
two people that we care about in prison,
I think it's best that we work together to get them out.
You would do that?
Yes, I would do that. And I hate you.
I'm sorry. Hate is a strong word.
What I meant to say was I really hate you.
You don't get to hate me!
I get to hate you. I'm a good person.
I follow the teachin's of the Bible!
Shh!!! Shut up! They'll hear you.
What? Are the police still around?
No, the rats.
Their screech is like a God damn mating call.
Come. Let's go inside.
I really wish I had on a horrible dress
so I could talk to you hag to hag.
I'd call you a “see you next Tuesday,”
but that would imply I ever want to see you again.
Just say cunt, Deborah.
We're in Russia. Nobody knows what it means.
No, we have cunt here.
Is woman. Woman like her, small.
Not big in hips, but huge vagina.
Katya, this is Deborah, the one I was telling you about.
The wicked witch of the Western Hemisphere!
Oh, fuck you!
I am a good Christian, just like my president.
And I came to this Godless nation of yours -
it smells like a burnt cat -
to try to seek justice!
Nyet. You are obviously selfish, vindictive cunt, but no matter.
Look at this place. It's destroyed!
They took everything, everyone.
I barely escaped with my life and just a little bit of money.
You know what!
Rex never turns off his hookup apps.
He will no doubt be held under Kremlin in secret prison
operated by the fabulous Miss Svetlana Zlopasnost.
You think you could get us inside?
Maybe hack into the mainframe?
I wish, but I've maxed out on sexual favors
already this fiscal quarter. Not work.
Then what are we gonna do?
There is a secret program where local prostitutes
try to convert queers into straight,
but even as Russian whores, you two would be a stretch. No.
Well, maybe you can get us some disguises.
We have to find our way inside.
We could make visit as relatives.
Simple quick “hello” and “goodbye.”
It might work, but we have to go now.
Gorky Park is there. It is way past her feeding time.
Let's hurry!
Come on, Debbie!
Make fast. Secret police everywhere.
No one's gonna believe these disguises.
I've never felt so pretty.
Eh... All Russian women look like man.
Who can tell difference?
Now, we're just relatives visiting, sisters.
Now go to door on right. They let you in.
Wait, wait, wait. You're not coming with us?
No. Is too dangerous for Katya.
If I don't get to see you, it was nice to meet you...
and good luck...
You'll need it. Bye.
Wait, I...
Come on.
When we get inside, I'm gonna get
all the information from Carly that I can.
Yeah, funny coming from you.
You don't even know the difference between
french bread and a french braid!
I'll take care of it.
You! You fell for this entire scam.
You thought you were gettin' prize money
for a science fair in Russia. [chuckles]
I mean suck it, fag lady! I won!
Can you please keep it down?! Here come those horny rats!
Go, go!
♪
Category is... prison drag realness.
This look doesn't “Jail House Rock”
so much as give me “Folsom Prison Blues.”
Oh, it's not that bad. Maybe a little tight.
Tight?
She should get ten to life for murdering those seams.
(Russian guard) Okay, playtime is over.
Back inside.
You have visitor.
You, too, tranny.
I'm obviously in the middle of something.
Who is it?
It's mean woman with fat ass.
Oh, that's Bianca.
I don't know her.
I can see you.
(Guard) Nyet!
No touch!
I wouldn't touch her.
She's like a vending machine full of STDs.
How did you get in here?
Well, obviously, I told them I was your much younger sister.
They're stupid, not blind.
Anyway, where is your whole Bianca del Rio?
This is not what I was expecting.
Don't you remember?
They took Bianca. She is gone.
Everything you need is in the suitcase.
You worry too much.
This place is much nicer than our hotel, by the way.
At least here has room service.
And what are you gonna do if they send you to Siberia
and make you eat someone to stay alive?
Is he hot?
Focus!
How you holdin' up, Carly?
Well, I'd be a lot better if I wasn't
stuck in a Russian prison, thanks to you.
We've got to beat those queers!
You know how important it is.
All you think about is Bianca.
You don't even care what happens to me.
Maybe those homos aren't so bad, Mama.
I mean when Jacklyn Smith tried to stab me,
Rex is the one that protected me -
a lot more than you ever did.
That fruit fly?
Yeah. I think you're wrong about them.
Nah. You don't mean that.
It's got to be the Old Spice talkin'.
Listen. I don't want you to worry,
but we are trying to work on a plan
to get you out of here.
I'm not worried.
I've made this prison my bitch.
All the queens work for me now,
and that hot guard feeds me three times a day.
He brings you food?
Not exactly.
Now, Bianca and I are gonna get you both out of here together,
but I got a plan of my own.
Another plan, Mama?
Yeah. Bianca thinks I'm gonna help her,
but once you're free,
I'm gonna expose her for what she is, and bam!
She's gone!
You would do that after she helps get me out?
It's what we came here for.
I'm not leaving Russia till Bianca's locked up forever.
[chuckles]
Listen. There's got to be another way to get in here.
Do you think I could pass as one of those guards?
Hmm... Origami is straighter than you.
The only other option is actually
better suited for you than it is for me.
Oh, you mean the hookers!
Yeah. We have straight conversion therapy tomorrow.
I'm gonna have sex with a gross Russian skank for science.
I can't wait to spank that bitch. [giggles]
(Guard) No touch!
That's not what you said last night.
Time is up.
- Bye, Sis. - Bye.
These disguises barely got us to the door as family.
No one's ever gonna believe that we're hookers,
not even here in Russia.
We can't just leave Carly in there.
Prison's doin' terrible things to her.
She's not strong like I am.
I know. You can pull a cart. [laughs]
Okay. Insult me all you want,
but I got to get my daughter back.
Okay, fine. I will work out a plan
to get Rex and your atrocious offspring out of prison.
If you had that wig on right now,
I'd snatch it right off your head.
Yeah, that's the difference between us.
I'd just snatch out your own hair from the root.
[chuckles]
- Ya hungry? - I could eat.
♪
Nothing.
That glue-sniffin' dummy is gonna end up in Siberia...
If Gorky doesn't eat him first.
Well, at last he's gettin' laid.
Oh, look. It's me in a faggy tie.
Bianca del Rio, what are you doing here?
This is your 'come to Jesus' moment, Richard,
but Jesus was busy, so you got me.
But how am I gonna get Rex out of prison?
Rex can take care of himself.
You baby him too much.
He is literally an adult baby.
Anything he can grab, he sticks up his nose or in his mouth.
Or ass.
Rex is a lot like wig glue, more versatile than you think.
It has a lot of uses if you put your mind to it.
But how am I gonna get him out of that prison?
Find me.
Your way in is your way out.
Eating Chinese food late at night is a big mistake.
Now I'm dreamin' in fortune cookie.
How is Rex like a vending machine full of STDs?
‘Cause when you put three quarters in, you get one.
[groans] Get out of my head.
[laughs, nonsensical babbling]
Dream over.
[snorts]
I come up with my best insults while sleeping.
Wig glue.
[knock on door] Shit!
[knocking continues]
[woman grunting, groaning]
International overnight delivery for Richard Martinez, huh?
Um, wh...?
Hey, hey! Wha...?
[speaks Russian], bitch!
[squeals, laughs]
What the hell does that mean?
I think it's “halleloo” in Russian.
- Yes! - I have a better question.
What the hell are you doing in a box?
Honey, airfare is expensive and, you know,
some of us didn't win “RuPaul's Drag Race.”
Ooh, the girls are hateful. You'll see.
I don't watch reality television.
Well, it turns out that that “Frontline” episode
on human trafficking is a lot more informative
than I think it was meant to be.
Well, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Whoa, baby, with me, it's always a good thing because...
say hello to my little friend.
[both screaming, laughing]
I love you.
You old bitch.
Old? Honey, you must be talkin' to that wig,
because you know there are at least ten years
between me and you.
Well, let me tell you this -
Rex is gonna have ten years in prison if we don't get him out,
but I think I have a plan.
Ohhh!!!
Do you have a plan to get me out of this box?
- Come on, girl. Just lean... - Bitch, I know.
Honey, the overage charges for the weight.
They tried to say I was 150 pounds, bitch.
Ahhh!
♪
Ooh! You look fabulous!
See, I told you... Bianca will fix everything.
Oh, girl, it's just drag, not a cure for herpes.
No, honey, if you want a cure for herpes,
you leave Rex up in that solitary confinement.
[both laughing]
You know, there's only one more thing we need...
Oh, Deborah!
Bianca del Rio...
as I live and breathe.
Yeah, we'll fix that later.
We've got lots of work to do...
on you.
[smacks lips]
♪
I've been waitin' a long time for this makeover.
How do I look?
Well, when I said I wanted to rearrange your face,
this is not what I had in mind.
My feet are killin' me.
How do you fruits walk in these heels anyway?
A lifetime of pain and sufferin'.
Hi. You must be Sacha.
I'm Bianca del Rio.
[Russian accent] You're a fancy prostitute?
I have no money, not even for the short one.
Uh, no.
We're actually here looking for my friend Mitya.
Dmitriy. He was here yesterday,
and I do believe that's his potato.
Not here.
At government job.
Today, I watch potato!
What's the big deal with the potato?
There is line for potato.
Hey, calm down, Potato Lady!
Um, Bianca's her pimp.
Listen. We need chemicals.
This is a science fair, isn't it?
There's got to be some place around here
we can buy or steal supplies to make a chemical reaction.
If you need work, I am also,
how you say, uh, pimp.
Oh.
These girls over here, not my best.
But prison not so picky.
[paper tearing]
This place might have what you look for.
Thank you.
Come on, girls. We've got some shopping to do.
We've got some shit to blow up.
[chuckles]
The secret prison is under the Kremlin.
We only saw the visitor center in the front,
which means the prisoners are in the back.
Okay, this is a crazy plan, even for you.
Oh, shut up.
Now you, you've got to pass these around
and wait for my signal.
I'm not sure if it's enough to put the Kremlin in orbit,
but it definitely will crack a few walls.
Now hold up now.
This is not gonna go off in my hand, right?
No! It's stable until you use the detonator.
You did bring the detonator?
- It's in my wig. - Good.
Wait a minute, though.
So they're supposed to hire ya'll hookers
to seduce the gays?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hmm.
Well, what are you gonna do
if they try to make you have sex with Rex?
I'm totally gonna bite down on the cyanide capsule in my molar.
You guys, look.
We're totally like "Charlie's Angels" right now.
Do-da-loo, do-da-loo, do-da-loo...
Hey... You're Bosley.
Oh, God. Here. Take this.
Here's the rest of ‘em. Get ‘em and go.
Beat it, queen. Do your job!
Now listen, Debbie.
I know we have not seen eye to eye,
because I've seen wiener dogs taller than you,
but you and I really need to work together
to make this happen.
You can count on me,
and I'm not just sayin' I'll work with you now
so I can double-cross you later.
- What? - What?
♪
- Tits up. - I'm tryin'.
[knocking on door]
Da?
Hi. We're the prostitutes here to fix the fags.
Yeah, uh, we're here to cure all the fags.
Calm down. I got this, Mother Teresa.
[scoffs] We've done worse, but not much worse.
Come inside.
Hmm... Don't mind if I do.
[sing-songy] Told ya.
Comrade!
We must to get to prison.
I feel a presence I have not felt since...
the last time your hand was on my ass.
Knock it off.
Don't mind the rats. The rats don't mind you.
I really like what you've done with the place.
It's so drab.
That's the radiation. We have leaky pipe. Watch step.
[gasps] Is that Plutonium?
Oh, that's Uranium-235.
- Very good. - Thanks.
Prisoner today thought it was Gatorade.
Stupid homo.
You're smarter than most whores we get.
- Oh, well. - But just as homey.
I'm sure you mean homely.
No, homey. My mother was whore.
In you go.
- Uh... - Uh, so what do we have to do?
Fix homo and I pay you one potato each.
One potato, two potato, three potato...
Nyet!
He seems nice.
[whimpers]
[Russian accent] Just to get set up.
Then we begin.
Now I've been to some kinky shit,
but this is weird, even for me.
I can't wait to see the skank you picked out for me, though.
I hope she's awful.
Oh, she is.
I thought there was gonna be more hookers.
I think it's just us.
How does this work?
Well, they've got him strapped to that machine
to test his sexual response.
Don't you watch “Masters of Sex?”
Premium cable?
I'm a teacher, not a lottery winner.
There's a lot of lotteries you didn't win.
(Rex) While you're down there...
[grunts]
Yes, daddy!
(Rex) Oh... Oh, look at that.
Now listen. They're gonna pick one of us,
hopefully you,
to go over there and grope him to see if they can turn him on.
Once he pops a boner, he's out of here, free.
This doesn't make sense.
We're in drag in a secret Russian prison under the Kremlin
tryin' to turn this gay slut straight.
And it's not like you sailed here on the good ship Logic,
did ya?
Buy a lady a drink first.
I'll take an Old Spice.
- Neat. - We must to test you.
Okay, which hooker you want?
Oh, this is like “Sophie's Choice,”
except I want to be the kid who goes to the gas chamber.
Is that an option?
I pick for you.
Now listen. I wanna help Rex,
but if she picks me, I don't know if I can do this.
It's gonna be me anyway.
I'm way prettier than you.
You really haven't caught onto this whole homosexuality thing,
have ya, Debbie?
Stop callin' me Debbie!
Rex is a walking hard-on.
All you have to do is go near him.
He'll pop a boner. You're a very lucky lady.
Okay... Show me hands.
Thumbs up! Hands.
Okay. Okay.
No syphilis, but we use them anyway.
Come on.
You very old whore. You know what to do.
Right here? Right now? In this lighting?
Make this queer a real man or you both die in Siberia.
I thought I was getting a potato.
Potato is for closers.
[sighs deeply] There's got to be another way.
Maybe Siberia's not so bad.
Oh, please. You know you want this.
You've wanted this since the night we met.
I tripped over you in a snow bank.
I thought you were homeless.
Oh, yeah? Then why did you try to kiss me, huh?
That wasn't a kiss. I was giving you mouth-to-mouth.
You weren't breathing.
Well, I'm breathing now.
[breathes heavily, snorts]
If I throw up in my mouth,
it's not gonna be good for either one of us.
Talking costs extra! No more potato.
Kiss! Kiss now!
Wait. Before we do this,
Richard, Richard, something I have to say.
What?
If Deborah is over there wearing my wig, I will kill you.
Not if this kills me first.
[gagging]
No response.
Sorry.
I smell cabbage. Is anybody boiling cabbage?
Listen. This is no fun for me either.
Now focus, or I swear to God I will fist you like a Muppet!
Thanks for the dirty talk, but I don't think it'll help.
Maybe if you tilt your head a little so I can see the guard.
No response. Come on. Again!
Again! Kiss.
I really wish there was cyanide in my molar.
Then we could both die.
I mean, you know it's a sin,
but you're just not prepared for how gross it is.
Definitely boiled cabbage.
Maybe with some turnips?
Is anybody hungry?
- Nothing. - Sorry I'm late.
Rex, look. It's the guy from the science fair.
I didn't think he was cute then
and I don't think it'll help now.
Oh, I make adjustment.
Honestly, I thought he was hotter as Katya.
Wait. What?
Nice to meet ya.
How did you miss that? I would think
your nerdy senses would have been tingling.
[whispers] You are a science teacher.
You know what to do.
All fine now.
Listen. If you try to stick your tongue
down my throat again, you're gonna taste my lunch.
[gags]
[gasps] Success!
Yay!
Oh, yes! Success!
Yay. Success!
Success!
Hey, take him back to his cell.
Wait! I-I thought they were released once they were cured!
Girl, please. Look at him.
He need many more treatment,
but at least you don't go to Siberia.
What about Carly?
Curly? Who is this Curly?
Shut your face, Debbie!
You have my daughter, Carly.
She isn't one of these flamers. Let her go!
You keep Bianca.
Let me know how this all plays out.
I've got a man waiting for me.
[thud on floor]
Oops. Baby made a boom boom.
What is going on here?
Mitya, what have you done?
This hooker is a flaming drag queen
and a degenerate homosexual.
I'm the real woman here, okay?
You can take her.
Bianca del Rio is the one that you want.
You thought those heels were killing you before;
wait till I get a hold of you.
Okay, that's it. Guard!
Take homo to cell!
I stay with Mitya and these prostitutes till you get back!
Come on. Go, go, go, go.
Let's go.
This is great. Now we're both gonna rot
in this rat-infested prison together.
You brought this on yourself, homo.
Oh, yeah. They're probably gonna put us
in a cell together with each other.
Wouldn't you like that, Debbie?
Never call me Debbie!!!! [shrieking loudly]
Oh, no. That voice. The rats.
(sing-songy) Deb-bie. Deb-bie.
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Bzzz!
Stop that! You stop that with your faggy ties,
your clown makeup, your nasty one-liners,
and your purse full of bees!
You stop calling me Debbie!!!!
Oh, no. Is mating season!
Whoa!
[gun shots]
Little Debbie with her Holly Hobbie dresses.
Little Debbie with a lip gloss addiction.
You stop that!
They called me Little Debbie Snack Cake!
I was the shortest one in school!
You're just as mean as they are!
You stop teasing me!
[gun clicking]
Oh, no, no, no, no!
They coming, they coming.
Oh!
Oh, no, they coming.
They coming to mate with my face.
They-they- they mate with my face!
You don't have a key?
Nyet. Maybe if I had wig,
I could take bobby pin, but I have nothing.
[gasp] Looks like we're next.
Well, you see, ever since Debbie here
and her brother kidnapped me and left me to die in the woods,
I never leave home without this.
I don't have time for this!
I don't have time for you!
All right! Let's go,
The prisoners were kept downstairs.
We must to hurry.
That works perfectly, Deborah.
Wait. What?
Your voice... It brought the rats.
I told you we needed to work together.
They must to feed us soon.
Gorky get hungry.
What the hell?! No, no!
Look! They are here.
- Mama, is that you? - Carly!
Oh, I couldn't leave my baby here in prison.
Listen, you guys, I'm gonna have you out in no time.
You and Bianca are workin' together.
[whispers] Just to get you out of here.
Don't worry. She's gonna get what's comin' to her.
Mama, haven't you learned anything from all this?
Well, I learned I look pretty fierce as a blond,
and did you know rats have a mating season?
[both gasping]
It's okay, girl. He's with me.
I told you I could take care of myself.
I wish you would have told me that
before I had to make out with you.
Excuse me.
You are free to go.
[whispers] Stay down, stay down.
Carly, you're free!
I am.
Now, help me shove Bianca in here.
It's what we came here to do.
No, Mama. I can't.
- What? - You're right. I am free.
Finally free of you.
No! Carly! What are you doing?
These flamers turned you against me?
They're just people just like you and me, Mama,
tryin' to do the right thing.
But we were never tryin' to do the right thing.
I mean all that hate - and for what?
You can't just leave me in here.
Sorry, Mama.
You said prison made a new woman out of you...
Well, it made a new woman out of me, too.
Noooo!!!
I'll get you Bianca. This ain't over.
Looks like you're the cat.
You're gonna have to hold your own legs, bitch.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
As soon as I get out of here, I'm comin' for you, Bianca!
I'm comin' for you!
Oh, no.
Here come those horny rats.
(Rat) Hey...
[screaming] Biancaaaa!!!!
This way. Let's go.
Thank you for everything.
I can't believe that you would do that to Deborah.
I mean I wouldn't even leave her in that jail cell.
Well, Rex has been nothin' but kind to me.
I mean, it makes me question
what this whole thing was about in the first place.
Maybe we are better together livin' side by side,
instead of tearing each other down.
Bianca has told me of snake that bites your boobs off.
Yeah.
I know a doctor who can make new again,
creamy like mash potato.
- Yes! - They will be mash potato.
Perhaps a bit lumpy, but we do our best.
Okay.
Tater tits... Yeah.
Let's go!
I'll never forget you.
Hey! Wait up.
Hey, guys. Let's blow this pop stand.
- He's not coming with us? - Who?
Your new boyfriend.
Oh, that was just a prison thing.
He knows that.
Besides, I think my time behind bars
proves I don't need a man to protect me anymore.
What you need to protect you is bubble wrap.
I've been doing just fine in New York since you left.
I don't need you to worry about me anymore, mom!
But I do worry about you.
Why did you think those bricks of cocaine
in your bag would help?
Not that bag... The other bag.
There were two bags, like the ones under your eyes.
All right. You got me on that.
Look! Is Svetlana Zlopasnost.
We run now!
Degenerate homosexuals are escaping!
Let's get them!
[LOUD BOOM]
[explosions, booming]
Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Ah, sh...!
Go, go, go, go.
Perfect timing, as always.
Girl, you know I got your back.
That's ‘cause nobody wants your front, but, uh...
[screams]
Oh!
So that is end of Svetlana Zlopasnost.
Who is going to host next season of “Homo Hunters?”
That was a good show.
R-I-P.
Thanks for all of your help, Mitya.
Sorry we got your club raided and that we blew up your job.
But maybe this means that you can come to America now.
I- if you'd like to, I-I...
Well, I would like it a lot.
Is tempting.
I would like to know you better.
But still so much work to be done.
Your Texas has given me hope that if we stay and fight,
we can have Texas, too.
Oh, that is the saddest...
and dumbest thing I think I've ever heard.
[chuckles]
I understand.
You should stay and make a bad situation better.
I mean, that's the whole reason
why I moved to Texas in the first place...
and the reason why I'm going back.
It's not just the children that need an education.
We've made some progress, but there's still more to do.
True.
I'll help. I mean, if you queers can change my mind,
anyone can change.
Oh, eat.
Come on. Is nobody going to eat that, huh?
[all groaning]
Is three months now since we moved to homo house,
and is great!
Sometimes I miss the breeze
come through the cracks in the walls, but...
And now we have central heat.
When I build fire in middle of room.
In-in-in-in basement I have swing.
Oh, basement. What treat!
It's funny kind of swing is in basement closet.
Not so much with the weee!
Sometimes I climb into the swing.
I hear moans.
I think homo house haunted, but it's just my Boris.
[chuckles] Da!
I like.
[chattering, crowd cheers]
(Reporter) In International news,
Russia continues to insist
they weren't running a secret gay prison under the Kremlin,
and that the explosion last month in downtown Moscow
was just a gas leak.
But word that dozens of gay people have been arrested
and imprisoned in Russia has sparked outrage and protest
all around the world.
Personally, I'm supporting gay rights by wearin' this outfit
that Roger told me I looked great in...
but I'm pretty sure he just dressed me as Barb
from “Stranger Things.”
Yes. Justice for Barb.
That is what it is all about.
NEWS: It's deadly and it could be in your purse right now.
What is it?
You'll find out in the next hour.
Rex, no.
Rex, no! Rex!
If you don't bring your whorish ass...
Wooo! Rex!
[phone ringing]
[no audio]
Ow!
Marker.
Get that out of my face. I'm trying to perform.
I feel like a fuckin' roach.
Here, like, I'm a crab?
[smacks lips]
Mother [BEEP]!
[chuckles] You can't do this to me.
I'm talkin' to a stick.
How are you gonna get Bianca to go over to Russia?
Oh, easy.
[laughing]
I sent her a letter sayin' she won a teachin' award, right?
Only she has to go to Russia to get it.
[both laughing]
Okay. Get it out, Dratch.
[laughing] You motherfucker.
He just blew me a kiss. What a dick.
You are found out to be gay man in teacher fuck hole butt.
Sorry.
That's him right there by the bathroom.
Oh, I want to fuck you. [laughs]
Good. ‘Cause you know what?
You're going to speak Spanish into my clam hole tonight, baby.
Ahhh!!!
Fuck you, Debbie!
I'm gonna do this.
Explosion. Ah.
Lock her up! Her emails!
[laughing]
Oh, God, it's there, right?
It's looking at me. No. Okay.
Oh, God. I hear it clicking.
Okay. [gasps] Jesus.
Okay. [chuckles]
This could be our big break.
[gasps, screams]
It's four AM and you're in an old police station.
I- It gets better. It gets better.
Oh, you don't like gays? Or clowns?
Shut up.
Well, I think I found Natalee Holloway.
Oh, no. That's Rachel Dolezal disguised as... [snorts]
Sorry.
This hooker is a flamin' drag queen
and degenerate homosexual!
[laughter]
Yes and yes.
This hooker...
[all laughing]
Got a special rate.
All right, let's reset.
- Line? - It's a burp.
Okay, sorry. That sucked.
Come on.
Secret police are everywhere. We must be careful.
That old leather skin, honey, they should stick real good.
Fuck you, cunt.
It's still prettier than your asshole.
I sent her... [giggles]
I sent her a letter saying... [giggling]
- Oh, don't look at me. - I'm not looking at you.
Let me get this right.
They're gonna hire ya'll hookers
to go in there and seduce the gays?
[laughing]
Oh, wait. Let me get this right.
So they are gonna hire ya'll hookers...
[laughs]
Del Motto...
Oop, oh, she locked him in.
Sorry, I just...
Katya ruined the whole movie.
Hey, ya'll, we in Russia. It's over there.
And cut.
- For real. - It's a cut.
- Nice job. - Nice job.
Subtitles by explosiveskull