♪ Hush now child... ♪
I mean, I'm 30,000 feet in the air, right?
They're saying, Kevin, come on, please.
Kev, you got to put on the parachute.
Everybody's going, please, please, Kev.
At this point, they're begging me.
Tell me that the story ends
with you wearing the parachute.
Absolutely fucking not, no! No!
No, I wanted to be authentic. Right?
- It's got to be real. - Yeah.
You know what Tom Cruise calls parachutes? Diapers.
Is that because they fill up when you're falling?
No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin, they put me in a parachute,
they might as well put a diaper on me and send me to pasture.
Look, Kevin... you know,
based on the success of the first one,
we see massive franchise potential with The Jefferson's.
And you know, your agent just keeps saying that you might
be waffling on doing a sequel.
And I'm just here to ask, is it about the money?
Look, Deb, The Jefferson's is amazing, right?
We did amazing work there.
But I'll be honest, when I walk on that set,
I feel like I'm being babysat.
I mean, they give me goddamn stunt coordinators.
I have-- I have stage managers, uh, wires, green screens.
Yes, a-- and somehow, you still manage to jump out
of an airplane without a chute.
I wasn't telling the truth when I told you that,
but I forgot to say I was lying.
So let's take a pause, right?
Put a pin in that, so you understand
that wasn't the truth. I had to make that up.
I was pretending.
But you know why I got to pretend?
Because I'm not a real action star, Deb.
Kevin, you took a sitcom about a dry cleaner,
and you turned him into motherfucking Jason Bourne.
Okay? You are a real action star.
- No, not yet. - Not yet?
No. But I will be.
When you fund my next project.
Okay.
Deb, now, look, what I'm about to tell you is going
to seem crazy at first, but I promise you,
if you give it a chance, you'll get it.
- Close your eyes. - Okay.
Deb, I want you to picture yourself going up a mountain.
On the ground! Let's go!
Alright, you rich assholes!
Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!
All your fancy shit!
- What is taking so long? - Put it in the bag!
Let's go!
Just stay calm. Stay calm.
Everything shiny! Let's go!
Get it in the bag! Let's go!
They're coming this way.
I don't have all day here!
Shit, shit! Shit, shit, shit!
Trying to hide, little man?
The fuck did you just call me?
Bet you got a big wallet for such a little man.
Now, put it in the bag!
You want my wallet? Huh?
Get back. I got this.
You got what?
- I want your gun! - Shit!
You believe this fucking clown?
Give me your gun!
Whoa.
You're just going to be the first man in history
to shoot somebody with a safety on?
- What? - Huh?
I don't like guns.
Oh, shit!
- Not enough. - God damn it.
Shit.
Nice to beef you, motherfucker.
Hey, it's not about me. It's about you.
I'm glad everybody's safe.
It's a crazy world that we're living in.
- A lot of nut jobs out here. - Oh, Kevin!
Kevin? What just happened?
Real goddamn action!
That's what just happened.
- Okay. - Real fucking action.
That's the adrenaline that I want audiences
across the globe to feel, Deb.
This-- this was all staged?
Yeah! All of it. They're actors.
I just wanted to give you a little taste of what
our movie was about, right?
This is the movie that we're going to make.
So what I did was, I brought an outline, right?
A little rough outline to give you a little idea
about what we're going to do.
- Oh, boy. - Right?
The world of our movie lives
in improvised action.
It's spontaneous ass-whoopins. That's what this is about.
That guy spontaneously hit you with a gun.
You're talking about Larry?
Larry! Hey! You got me good.
- I'm gonna feel that one. - Yeah, you are.
You goddamn right. Fucking Larry.
You're not well. Oh, no, you're not well.
This is about me getting a respect
that I deserve as an action star, Deb!
What is it that you want me to say here?
What do I want you to say?
Deb, I want you to say, I'll do it!
My answer is no. Never.
This is never going to happen,
not at my studio or anyone else's. No.
Please? - No.
Can you just give it a-- - No, no, no, no.
Deb, can you just--
Can you just please give it a-- give it a read?
Oh. - Okay? Here.
There you go. That's all-- that's all I want.
Can you just--
I'll read it.
We did it! Yeah!
Hello, Mr. Greenlight! She loved it, right?
I told you she was going to love it!
What's the budget she gave you? $300 million?
$400-- $500 million for this?
Just drive.
I am so sorry, Kevin. That's not-- that is not fair.
You are a king, and this town doesn't deserve you.
Do you hear me? You are a king!
You are my king! Praise!
Praise!
Wait a second. Is that her right there?
Is that her, the one throwing away the script?
Is that her right there? Excuse me, ma'am!
Excuse me, ma'am, in the red jacket! How are you?
Kevin Darnell Hart is a national treasure!
- A national treasure! - Just drive the car!
We're going to drive the car!
But honestly, get your shit together!
Nice to meet you!
Drive the fucking car, Andre!
Today is gonna be the most amazing day of your life.
Your papers.
You say the same thing every day, Andre.
- And every day, you're wrong. - Oh, well, come on.
You're just cranky, because you haven't
had your tofu tahini smoothie.
I'll get that for you right now. Sophie! His TT!
I really hate that you call it that.
Here we go. Big gulps.
- There you go. - No.
I'm cranky, because the movie of my dreams just flamed. Okay?
Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
Well, I mean, come on, man. You still have us.
That's amazing, right? You have us.
What the hell does that mean? Ooh.
Hannah, Sophie, me, your man TJ right over here!
I'm talking about your village!
I know what you need. I know what you need.
A massage.
Nina, these are all set up for the new hot stones?
I can be in about ten minutes.
She can be in about ten minutes.
Kevin, the crew are ready whenever you are.
Yeah. I'm ready.
You got this!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Oh, God. How you doing?
Good. Great.
Kev, now just pretend you're biking through the Swiss Alps.
We'll CG the Alps in later.
What is that?
I'm on foot, though. I need a bike, right?
We'll CG that in, too. Action!
You just want me to--
Just go for it.
Act like I'm riding a bike?
Exactly. Straight arms.
Kevin, look at this. Kevin, look at this.
Hey, man. Not-- No!
I can't-- can't do this shit! I can't.
I-- I cannot do this shit any more! Alright?
I'm tired of the CGI and the goddamn green screens,
all this fake shit!
No, uh--
I want real fucking action!
Ah! Kevin, no!
Nina? What's the ETA on those hot stones?
It appears A-list actor
Kevin Hart is back in the news again.
Star of the high-octane reboot of The Jefferson's,
Hart has spent his own money destroying a high-end Hollywood
restaurant in an attempt to woo a studio
boss into financing what he refers to
as a cinema verité-style action film.
This comes just a year after the actor famously
fired his long-time stuntman Doug Eubanks
in the middle of production, a decision
that left insiders dumbfounded.
Bring me this man.
Bring me this Kevin Hart.
...also known as Mr. 206.
Wow. This is big, man.
No, like, this is really big.
Andre, I don't think you understand!
I cast my dream out into the universe, and guess what?
Karl Stromberg comes running!
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
But I got to say, boss. I don't like it.
I mean, you don't even know this guy, right?
I tried to look him up, and nothing came up on Google.
Duh. It's because he's European.
They got their own Google. Everybody knows that. Alright?
Listen, the guy is loaded, got tons of money.
And if his desire is to make my movie, then so be it.
- I'm good. - I can't do it, boss.
I am so sorry. I can't do it.
My job is to look out for your best interest, and I don't--
Uh, what did you just say?
It's my job to look out for your--
It's not your job.
As a matter of fact, that's the complete opposite of your job.
You know who looks out for me, Andre? Me.
That's who looks out for me. Me!
Okay?
- You know what? Pull over. - What?
Pull over. I'm driving myself. I don't want you--
Kevin, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Kevin, you can't drive yourself. You need me!
- You need me! - I do not need you.
Correction! I don't need you!
I didn't need my stunt man!
I damn sure don't need an assistant
telling me how to live my life.
Pull over!
Don't-- don't hold the wheel in the middle!
Shut up, Andre! I said shut up!
- I know how to drive! - We know!
We all know! He knows how to drive a car!
We know! But let's say you put your hand down.
- You pop it in D. - Pop it in first!
Nope, that's reverse! Whoa! You know what?
Why don't I help you out?
I'll get in there, I'll start her up, I'll roll out,
and everybody will think it was you.
I don't want your help!
Good, good, good! Good!
Good! Good, good, good!
Yeah, smooth! Very smooth!
You're leaving! Yeah! Fuck off!
I'll drive all the way home!
So, Karl...
Karl, what is it, uh, what is that you do for a living, man?
I made my fortune mining precious metals.
Mm.
Now, I finance films, primarily in the Balkans,
once in North Korea.
It's probably hard to get permits over there, huh?
Permits are for cowards.
Your outline... is dangerous.
It's violent.
It's almost no narrative that makes
sense to a regular human being.
I am not the regular human being. No.
- I am Karl Stromberg. - Yeah.
And that is why...
I will finance this film for you.
What did you just say to me?
You're telling me that you're going
to finance my goddamn movie? Huh?
Dude, you just made my day, man!
And I don't have to do my pitch! Because my pitch is expensive.
I ain't going to break all this glass
and stuff in here, because I know I got to pay for it.
Dude! You just--
I was in a dark place, Karl.
I was in a real dark place, man.
You just pulled me out of a dark place.
Because people underestimate you.
Yeah.
When you left comedy for the action,
they said you'd fail.
Did they?
When you fired your stuntman to do your own stunts...
they said you would fail.
You heard about that?
Everyone heard about that.
It's only you and Tom Cruise who do your own stunts now.
That's-- that's a fact.
Two peas in a pod, man. What's going on?
What you doing?
This film, Kevin...
will put you in your own category.
Ah! One pea in one pod.
Yes, right.
That's right. One pea, one pod.
Hell, yeah.
That's what it's supposed to be, Karl.
You know what, man? I know we just met,
but I feel like I've known you for a long time,
because you get me.
I'm so sick of this...
this CG and this green screen shit!
So what'd you think of the story, Karl? About me--
No one watches movies for the story.
Yeah.
They watch it for the action.
And the nudity.
I don't really...
I don't really have any dick in my script.
But if you want some, if you feel like people want
to see dick, I can add some dick.
I can-- I'm not afraid to go full frontal.
I'll do it. Right?
If that's what the people want.
My biggest thing, though, is the action, man.
I just don't-- I don't want to see it coming.
Right? I want to be caught off guard.
- You will shit your pants! - What you talkin' about?
We will have a change of pants available at all times
for when you shit your pants.
Because I'm scared.
You will shit. - I-- I will shit.
You will shit... - Yeah.
...your pants. - I'll shit my goddamn pants.
You will shit!
I want to shit! - You will shit.
Alright! I wanna shit!
- You wanna shit? - Yeah! I will shit!
You shit your pants!
I'm ready to shit my pants, Karl!
I want to shit my pants! Right now!
When-- when do we start so I can shit!
We already have.
There's a camera hidden right behind you.
Ohh!
I think I see it!
The little-- the black-- the space with the black, right?
Back up!
Get your ass back!
I don't know who you think you messing with,
but I tell you, you got...
Oh, shit!
He going to fucking eat my ass!
He going to eat my ass and set me on fire or some shit,
ain't you?
Who are you? Huh?
Where am I? Tell me-- tell me where I'm at!
Who... Wait a minute.
Do you work, you work for Karl Stromberg?
I said, do you work for Karl Stromberg?
Okay.
Okay. Okay, we in it.
This is it. We're doing it.
Okay, Karl! I like it! I like it!
Um, okay, shit.
Okay, let me see. Where-- where are we in the script?
God, my adrenaline's flowing so much.
You got me! I thought you was really trying to eat my ass!
Alright. Uh, okay, three, two, one.
Okay.
Rice, peas, carrots, let's go.
You know, I've been searching the globe for you.
You're a hard man to find, Mr. Bartholomew.
I think you got a line.
You got a line!
Uh, you say your part, and I'll react off of that.
Because what you say sets me up to now have my...
Unless you're not union. Or-- Is he union or no?
Guys? Can you not just--
Okay.
Oh, rewrite. There must have been pink pages.
Okay. Uh, let me get back in.
What you going to do with those?
Chop off my finger? Hmm?
Cut off my leg? My foot?
Newsflash, I only need one foot to kick your ass.
That is a trailer moment! Guys! I only--
Good evening.
Do not use the shears on this man.
Is that-- is that the producer?
Is that Karl? Karl!
He must atone for his sins.
What is that? Atone for my-- I don't know--
He must feel the pain
he has made others feel.
Yeah, I'm lost, guys. I don't know where we are.
Um, if we're going to do rewrites,
you guys got to give me the pages.
I'll stay in it. I'll stay in it. Uh...
Okay, alright. Okay.
Why don't we-- why don't we take it easy?
Because I know why you're mad, huh?
You're mad because-- Stop right there.
Let's stop right there. No, no, no.
Let's make that your mark. Nope, stop right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hey!
Count to ten.
No, fuck you! Wait!
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, man!
Hey! No, no, don't cut my dick!
Don't cut my dick! That's not-- Okay, use it.
I'mma use it! Stay in it.
Yeah!
Two.
Come on!
Damn it!
No, not today.
Yeah!
Did we get it? Huh?
Spin it! We got it!
Yeah! Oh!
Comin' to beat your ass, Montoya.
This set's incredible. So good.
Shit!
It's Montoya's men.
Jordan? The hell are you doing here?
Son of a bitch!
Did they hurt you? Hm? Did they hurt you?
Kevin, what the hell is going on?
The uranium heist. That's what's going on.
- Wait, what? - I already handled Bartholomew.
But General Montoya, he's not going to let us off as easy.
What the hell are you talking about?
Shit!
I was walking my dog,
and someone hit me in the fucking neck
with a tranquillizer dart!
- Huh? - And I ended up here.
What are you talking about?
You didn't talk to Karl Stromberg?
Who?
Karl Stromberg about the movie?
Right now, we're in it! This is the movie!
It's a live-action movie!
We're improving all the action scenes!
No green screen, no fucking cables.
It's real, raw.
He's going to take my acting career
and my action status to the next level.
So this is all your fault?
Well, I mean, it's my script.
It took me I don't know how long to develop it. But Karl--
- What the hell is your problem! - Stop!
What is wrong with you?
- Shit! Ow! - Annoying!
Stop. Shit! That's sharp!
How long were you laying on that?
Damn it!
Now, why you got an attitude?
This is a simple outline! It's a layup!
Okay? I'm a triple agent.
MI-7. I'm the highest of high, right?
Like, you can't get higher than where I am.
But you-- you're my love interest.
They took you hostage because they knew that's the only way
to get to me.
So now, I'm here, and I got to get you.
- You understand what-- - You're pathetic.
And I'm pretty sure that kidnapping is a felony.
Well, I'm pretty sure that when you're an adult,
they don't call it kidnapping.
So that's-- That's pathetic.
Fuck you, Kevin.
What do you mean fuck me? Why are you at me?
You should be mad at Karl Stromberg! Not me!
I do not know who that is!
Shh!
You don't want him to hear you.
Who? Who will hear me?
There's no one here! And do not say Karl Stromberg.
Are you saying Strum or Strom?
Is it Strum or Stromberg? Because I don't know.
Okay, hey, hey, hey.
There are cameras everywhere.
We're filming a movie!
Where? There are no cameras anywhere!
Will you look around? There's cameras everywhere!
Okay, listen. Listen.
All I need you to do is just grasp what's going on.
This is a big opportunity for both of us.
Okay? Just get in character.
Please?
They got this place locked down tighter than Fort Knox.
Oh, God. You wrote this dialogue?
Those motherfuckers knew I would come rescue you.
Beautiful damsel in distress like yourself.
Yep. Thank you for rescuing me.
Just like any woman, I wouldn't know what to do
if a man didn't show up to save me and tell me to eat
so I don't starve and breathe oxygen, so I don't suffocate.
Let's cut. Let's cut.
Can we cut?
Can you work with me?
- I'd rather not. - Please.
Thank you. - Okay.
Alright, guys, we're going to go again. Alright?
Self-action.
Do you have any idea what's on the other side of that door?
There are some dangerous men on the other side of that door.
I'm talking mercenaries, killers, ninjas,
failed karate school instructors,
people that want to do bad things to me
just because they can.
There's a bounty on my fucking head.
I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.
I'll pay that bounty.
And I will give them my head... if it meant saving your life
so that you can finish med school
and open up that clinic that you always wanted to--
Ow! Shit!
Open up that clinic that you always wanted--
Esmeralda, wait.
Esmeralda! Hey!
Oh, you fucking piece of shit!
You leave her out of it, you hear me?
She's got nothing to do with this.
This is between me, you, and the 78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.
Alright. That's how you want to have it?
Let's have at it.
I'm so over this.
Kevin, next time you have a terrible movie idea,
leave me out of it, yeah?
- Ah! - Oh, shit!
I'm sorry, but did this central casting goon
just hit me in the face with a real fucking ass-- Cut.
No, no, no, we need to cut right now!
I don't know what weird production this is,
but I need to speak to a producer!
Is that all you've got?
Jordan. Let me get in there now.
Slam his ass!
Jordan! Let my character get some!
Tag me in!
Damn!
Hold it.
Yeah!
Whoa! We got that!
What a scene!
Good job! Here.
I think I'm the one that was supposed
to kick his ass, though.
Because I'm the lead.
So I'm quite sure that was supposed to be me.
But we'll fix it in post--
Go, go, go! Go!
That guy was trying to kill me!
Kevin, not acting!
Not a movie! Literally trying to kill me!
No. It's cinema verité.
I know it's a little different, but that's what it is.
Different? A little fucking different, Kevin?
- Wow, shit! - Are you okay?
Yeah, I know you're just trying to get me to apologize.
- Just give me a second. What? - Kevin.
You've been hit. With a real fucking bullet!
That's not real blood.
What?
- Of course it's real blood! - No. Taste it.
I'm not going to taste your blood, Kevin!
You can! You can! It's pig's blood!
It's not my blood.
Does that feel fake?
- Ow! Ow! - Shit! Shit, shit.
I gotta lay down!
Kevin!
No, no, no, no, no! Wait, look!
There's a photographer! Look. He wants your picture! See?
Go on! What the fuck!
If I had what now?
Just an unexpected accident
with a very small,
flying, fast, like projectile object through his shoulder.
And I just think some painkillers
would really help him.
Mm-hmm.
I know I don't have a prescription,
but I can assure you, this is an emergency.
I see.
You want to score some good drugs?
Some xannies, some ox, chuckleheads,
wet Garys, Shriek and Jimmy's, moon pie, spider pie?
Look, I'm not a drug addict!
I'm an actor! Don't you recognize me?
Um--
Okay, it doesn't matter. Alright?
My idiot friend got shot with a real bullet,
an actual fucking bullet from an actual fucking gun!
And now, he's bleeding out in your alleyway!
And if you don't help me help him,
you're going to have a body on your hands!
Would I know him from anywhere?
You're lucky it just grazed you.
Here. It's the best I could do.
- The hell is this? - It's for the pain.
Pharmacist was a real piece of work.
Well, you're a piece of work for bringing
this out here to me.
I can't drink this. This is my competitor!
You got to go back in there and ask for Grand Cormino.
Are you being serious right now?
Kevin, you've been shot! I was kidnapped!
- Grown woman acting. Okay. - You need to fix this!
- You need to fix this now! - I told you, I can't! Okay?
Even if I wanted to, I can't do it.
And by the way, it's all by design.
I gave all the rights over to Karl Stromberg,
who is a great precious metals magnate.
You do hear how that sounds, right?
You-- you hear the words?
You know, Andre was right.
Andre, your assistant?
Yes, my assistant. No, my former assistant.
He was right, though. You know what we're going to do?
We're going to pay Karl Stromberg a visit.
Yeah, that's exactly what we're going to do.
We're going to tell him he needs to get back on book.
Because right now, he's not following my guidelines at all.
And we're all over the place.
In order for this movie to be the best thing
that we know that it can be, we got to get back on pace.
Okay? We're paying him a visit.
Well, at least my car is still here.
Yeah, but it's the only one.
This place is dead.
Yes, because it's the weekend. That's why.
Kevin, it's Tuesday.
Oh.
Wait, what the fuck?
Kevin, it doesn't look like anyone's
been here for weeks.
No, that's not true.
I was just here. I was just here.
Stromberg was right there. Okay?
That was the last week, or it may have been a week before.
I don't know what week it was, because I
got knocked the fuck out. But I was here.
He was sitting at a desk, right here.
This is where he was. He was--
Hmm?
You will shit your pants!
I'm not crazy.
I knew he was here.
Would I have this if he wasn't here?
It's the butt to his cigar.
You know what he was doing?
He was doing real weird stuff with the cigar,
licking it, putting it in his nose, slobbering all on it.
I was watching him while he was doing it.
Closing his eyes.
All of a sudden--
Why did you have to drag me
into your stupid fantasy death wish movie?
What are you talking about?
All I said was think somebody like Jordan King.
Keyword, "think." It was a suggestion.
Oh, great. Thanks for the suggestion.
He probably wanted you because you're one
of the biggest stars in Sweden. What if that's the case?
I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg
is the biggest star in Sweden.
The environmental activist?
Yeah, they have their priorities straight.
Hey, whoa.
Wait a minute. Come here. What's this?
Look.
Look, will you just look?
The hell is this?
Whoa. It's the VHS.
I haven't seen one of these in years.
Hey, it's Brian Penn from Buchwald Associates reading fo--
Um, I'm sorry, is it Stromberg or--
That's Karl Stromberg! It's Stromberg.
It's him! I mean, he--
It's different hair, but it's him!
Bring me this man, this... Kevin Hart.
I-- I'm actually going to go thicker.
Kevin, it's an audition tape.
Yeah, well, obviously. I can see that.
I see that it's an audition tape.
The question is, why? Why is it an audition tape?
Oh, my god. Wait a minute, is Karl Stromberg even real?
What, you didn't google him before the meeting?
He's from Sweden.
You want me to go all the way to Sweden and google?
That's ridiculous. Stop.
Are you on drugs?
Quick, answer it!
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Action Star.
Congratulations. You escaped.
Uh, do you know you shot me with a real bullet?
Of course I know.
That bullet was meant to kill you.
Oh, that's stupid.
You kill me, and then you don't have a movie.
You moron. There is no movie.
There never was.
What do you mean there's no movie?
You'd better stop talking like that.
That's blasphemy, and you know it.
There is a movie. Okay, who is this?
Are you the producer?
You have forgotten who you are,
where you came from.
I didn't-- didn't anybody forget where they came from.
Then what was the name
of your first elementary school teacher?
Ms. Foxen.
No, Ms. Clarkson-- Clarkson-- Clarkson.
Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.
And the hospital where you were born?
What does that have to do with anything?
The name.
Go on.
Uh, Saint Falkenstein.
- That sounds wrong. - Saint Falkenstein Hospital.
What-- Hey! Enough of this shit!
Cut the shit! Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm the person who's brought
an end to your life.
You are no longer cared for.
- You're worth nothing. - Uh, excuse me.
Can I ask why I've been dragged into this?
Great, Kevin! You took all the phone time with him!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to figure out
what was going on with my life, trying to hear
a serial killer voice out.
I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you!
- Shh! Shh! - Goddamn it, Jordan!
Shh! Do you hear that?
It's the VCR.
What the fuck?
Oh, fuck, it's a bomb.
- What? - It's a fucking bomb.
Well, disarm it!
You fucking disarm it!
Oh, yeah, 'cause I know how to disarm a bomb.
Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black? That's what you think?
Every Black man know how to disarm a bomb?
That is not a thing, Kevin.
Oh, I bet it's not a thing.
Get your racist ass back. Move, move!
Quick, quick, quick. Come on.
Oh, my God. Open it, open it.
Pull, pull!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Back. Get back, get back, get back!
Shit.
Okay.
Well, I guess it is just a movie.
Yeah, and that was a fake bomb--
Whoa!
Where's my keys?
- Oh, my god! - Oh, you're okay.
You're okay. What was that sound?
Andre? What the hell are you doing here?
- Come on, go. - What are you talking about?
- We gotta go. - I'll get the door for you.
Go now!
Kevin, that was a real fucking bomb.
A real fucking bomb!
Okay, Jordan, well, can you put yourself in my shoes?
I will not, no. No.
I do not have to do that. Do you know what?
Just shut up. Shut the fuck up.
Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre. I don't know if you remember me.
Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel.
You got it.
I'm actually... I'm Kevin's protege.
Sorry, I'm Kevin's assistant... Former assistant. Fuck me.
Of course I remember you, Andre. So what?
Kevin kicked you out in the middle of the street, did he?
No, pish-posh. No, of course not.
Technically, it was the sidewalk and I love Skid Row.
Everybody's got a story to tell.
So many teachable moments.
Wait, you-- you didn't go home?
You just waited here this whole time?
Well, yeah. I mean, I always carry a spare key, right?
That's what I do. And I don't mind waiting.
- It was a quick 25, 30 hours. - Thirty hours?
I would wait a lifetime to make sure Kevin is okay.
Stop it. Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that.
- Don't act like I did. - I know, I know.
And I know you fired me.
Oh, right, you fired him
because he tried to warn you about the Swedish mobster that
was actually a shitty actor who was working
for someone trying to murder us.
Okay, I don't understand what's happening.
I really don't. And Jordan,
I'm just gonna throw this out there right now.
I feel like you're still mad at me.
I will never not be mad at you for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry to interrupt, but where am I going?
Because I've just been driving.
Hey, hey, we're going to my house.
- You got it. - Okay, go to my house.
No, I'm not going to your house.
- I'm going to my house. - Your house it is.
No, you're not going to your house,
because I need to know that you're safe.
Oh, right, yeah, just like Andre wanted
to make sure you were safe.
You know what? I know what you're doing.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You're trying to do one of those things
where you make me evaluate who I am as a person, right?
That's what you're trying to do. But guess what?
I'm not gonna do that, because who I am as a person
is who I'm okay with, and I'm settled in.
It's not working. I'm gonna try one more time.
Are you sure you're punching in the right code?
Of course, man. It's your birthday,
like I'd ever forget that. It's tattooed on my inner thigh.
I rub it every morning.
- See what I'm dealing with? - Okay.
All the time, this is what it is.
It's not working. Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe the person who's behind all of this
changed the gate code.
Wait, and they think I'm dead.
So maybe this is to our advantage, right?
Hm. Maybe.
Yeah, no, there's-- Oh, shit, security.
It's security, Jordan. Get in the back. Hide.
Dude, maybe we just exit now. Should I go now?
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I should just-- I'm gonna leave.
You have to leave. Stop, stop, stop.
Are you sure? He's huge. He doesn't like me.
Sir-- - Hey, what's going on?
How are you, my man? Nice to meet you.
Are you aware you're trespassing on private property?
I did not. I-- I was not aware, no.
Please reverse out and have a nice day.
You got it, my man. No, do not reverse.
- You can't reverse. - You know what?
I'm not-- I can't--
My boss actually lives inside there.
So if I can just jump in there real quick, it'd be great.
Reverse out now, and no one has to get
pumped full of electricity.
Of course. I'm positive no one needs that.
No, do not reverse. Do not reverse.
- Do not reverse. - I'm not gonna reverse.
Do not fuck with me.
He's bluffing. - You're bluffing.
I assure you, I'm not bluffing.
He's fucking bluffing.
- Fuck with him. He's bluffing. - Fuck you. You're full of--
Compliments of Mr. H.
Well, I didn't tell him to do that.
Andre? Is he okay?
Andre? Andre?
Hey, Andre, m-- maybe one of us should just drive.
No, you don't have to worry about that. I got it.
- I got you, my man. - Damn it.
I got a crook in my neck that's a bitch.
I-- I swear, I gotta get to Nina so she can fix this.
- Who's Nina? - Kevin's full-time masseuse.
She's my full-time masseuse.
Of course.
Oh, okay, well, I'm glad that my life
getting destroyed amuses you.
Well, didn't you basically ask for all of this?
No, I didn't basically ask for all of this.
I did not do that. I asked for a movie.
There's a big difference.
A movie has cameras and sound, lights.
That's what that has in it.
This is not the same, not the same.
We need to go to the police.
No, no, we do not need to go to police.
Whoever this guy is, he thinks that we're dead, right?
So we use that to our advantage, okay?
We make him think th-- that we're not here.
We disappear. We just gotta figure out where to go.
Man, this is where Natasha would come in handy,
'cause she would know exactly where we should go.
- And who the hell is Natasha? - She handles--
She's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.
- This is getting ridiculous. - Oh, my God.
I know exactly where we can go
where no one would ever search for us.
Who's in?
Okay, make yourself at home.
Uh, do you guys want anything to drink?
Kombucha, coffee, tea?
Yes, yes, kombucha would be great.
I don't have it. You called my bluff.
I don't have kombucha. I'm sorry.
- No, water would be brilliant. - Water is gonna be great.
- Thank you, Andre. - Fantastic.
And you? You want some water?
I'm not putting my mouth on a cup of this house.
Nice, nice.
Jesus Christ, you actually live here?
Yeah, my little slice of heaven.
Ugh. What was that?
- I said, ugh. - I love it.
It's actually really charming. Thank you.
You know, my mom and I are kind of always
messing with the motif in here.
Went through a huge Southwestern phase.
So much turquoise.
So your mom helped you decorate?
Oh, yeah, big-time. She's my roommate.
- She's right there. - You gotta be shitting me.
No, no, no, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid. Watch this.
You want to meet her? No, I don't have to.
Here we go. Mom, you're okay?
Your mouth was open real wide. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my. Oh, my. - Don't charge me.
Oh, my God. Fix your bra.
It's-- it's Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
It's a family... No, you don't have to--
Oh!
And-- and Jordan King.
Or should I call you Wheezy?
No, that's just a role
I'm not paid nearly enough to play.
Uh, "Jordan" is fine.
Come here. I gotta squeeze ya.
Come here. Oh!
You two gotta eat. We're gonna have a feast.
Andre, go to the freezer.
We're gonna defrost the Christmas pork chop.
We're doing the Christmas pork chops?
We've been waiting for this for, like, six years.
I don't think we have that much time.
You don't have to do that. We don't want to steal your meat.
- We have plenty of time. - You gotta save that meat.
You're eating my meat.
Tell him, mom. Tell him!
- No, no, no, no. - You're gonna want my meat.
No, we don't want your meat.
People talk about it all the time.
- Well, we don't-- - Did you hurt yourself?
This is not-- - Did you know there was--
Ah, shit, woman!
Did you know there was blood there?
- Yeah-- Ow, ow! - And up here?
- Stop. - God, you are Kevin Hart.
You can't walk around with bloody clothes on.
You're too sophisticated. Take your shirt off.
- Come on, I'm gonna wash it. - That's alright.
I'm already doing a bloody load.
Come on, take it off. Come on.
Take it off, Kevin. What are we doing?
Yeah. Come on.
So nice of you. - Somebody's got a cute tummy.
Come on, that's a lie. - Mom, look at him.
Remember, I was telling you about his belly button?
It's right there, mom. You got it.
Take my chance.
Oh, god. Let me just-- Please, let me get it.
Stop it, please. Oh my goodness.
Thank you. You got-- - Oh, that's--
- You gotta be kidding me. - Well, that hit my eyes.
That is-- that is--
- That's a man right there. - Yeah, we were filming.
That is good. - We're doing an improv action--
I can't believe he's in our house. I love you so much.
...movie where basically all of the action...
- Such nice people. - Nice people?
- Who? - You're so mean.
How can you be mean to this guy? Look at him.
He might be the nicest, sweetest person I've ever encountered.
How could you fire him?
You want me to start at the beginning? I don't know.
Maybe because he doesn't respect boundaries.
- He cares about you. - Oh, you just stop it.
The man clipped my goddamn toenails one time...
while I was in bed... with a woman.
Exactly. Struggling, by the way, to perform.
Had a lot on my mind, a lot on my mind.
Brown gummy worm was in full effect.
- I don't want to know this. - Loose noodle.
Call it what you want. I looked down.
I see his face looking up at me. Now I got no shot.
Okay, thank you for the context.
Just giving you-- giving you a play-by-play.
But listen, when I go to set, it's me acting, right?
But to get there, I've got reps, my dialect coach, my assistant.
And then there's personal trainer,
hair stylists, makeup artists. The-- the list goes on.
And then there's family and friends who have supported me
and sacrificed for me.
I'm sorry. I got lost in what you were saying
'cause I felt it was bullshit.
You have that, too, Kevin, and then some, okay?
It's why you're a star.
No, that's not true.
I'm a star because I made myself a star with this.
Sure, yeah, that's the story you keep telling yourself,
but you had help.
Okay.
Hey, how are you guys doing?
The pork chops are smelling
so much like shrimp right now, it's amazing.
I got you a shirt, my man.
I think it'll fit perfectly, okay?
Do you see it? Nice.
Yeah, I made that myself.
Okay, thank you for that.
Ah, I wanted to ask you earlier, but I didn't get a chance to.
Who's-- who's that?
- This one? - Yeah.
That's my dad. He's been gone a long time.
- Really? - Yeah.
Same.
Hey, you know, my mom raised me.
I know.
Did your dad, uh, get a little afraid
of parenthood and run off?
It wasn't anything like that, actually.
He was amazing. He was kind.
Uh, he was gentle.
By the way, Richard Pryor's assistant.
Your dad is Rich...
I guess you could say assisting
just runs in the family, right?
Wow. That's legendary, man.
- It is, right? - That's huge.
It's huge, until it killed him.
What do you mean?
It's a big show, and crazy fan got through security.
So my dad jumped in the way of a knife
that was meant for Richard Pryor.
You're playing. No.
- Cut him from the stomach-- - What?
Right up, back down.
- What? - Killed my dad on the spot.
Oh, my God, man.
I can't. I can't process that.
Neither could I. It was enormous for our whole family.
Why would somebody want to kill Richard Pryor?
Huh?
Who? Well, yeah, why?
That's crazy, right?
Yeah. I bet, by the way--
I bet my dad, when he was dying, was looking up
and was like, Why would you do this, or something like that.
- Has to be, right? - Maybe, maybe. Maybe not.
I mean, at that point, that's not what's important.
Somebody tried to kill Richard.
Right, my dad was already dead.
The thing we gotta worry about is...
- Who is this guy? - God's gonna do--
Are there more of 'em? Yeah.
- Okay? You can't rewrite that. - No.
No, we can't. I tried to.
God, I've been to so much therapy
trying to rewrite that moment. What could I have done?
I was a child, but maybe I could have jumped in the way,
or something like that. Yeah.
On the bright side, though, if you think about it,
he died doing what he loved the most, assisting.
He was so happy that he brought joy
to someone who brought joy to so many people.
He taught me every single thing I knew.
You know, man, maybe--
Maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
I think your exact words were, I didn't need a stunt man.
I sure as hell don't need an assistant.
You said it to me. You yelled it.
And then you told me to get out of your car, right?
Oh, no, you're absolutely-- You're-- you're right.
But I'm just saying, now, looking back,
I'm saying, maybe I do--
Maybe I still do need an assistant.
Oh, God. Alright?
- I need you, too. - No--
- I need you, too. - Not the same.
- Oh, fuck. - Yeah.
I have never been this hard.
Alright, I'm gonna tell my mom.
Mom, you'll never believe it!
Congratulations.
Something else, huh?
I'm proud of you. - Shut up.
You know, if you start treating everyone
in the Kevin Hart universe with that level of respect,
I think you'll be happy with your life.
You really are something else.
I mean, you paint me out to be such a monster.
Name one other person that I have disrespected, just one.
Give me one.
I can absolutely name someone.
Hey, Jordan. - Yeah, hi.
I just looked at the call sheet.
I didn't see your stunt double on there.
- Oh, I sent her home. - Why?
Well, I grew up on motorcycles, and it's a simple one today.
I just have to drive through the glass
of a dry-cleaning business before it explodes.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Simple for who? Who? Who's it simple for, you?
Well, that's what you have Doug for?
Do you know what this would look like if you go
do all your own stunts and I don't do mine?
Do you know what people will think of me?
Uh, they'll think you're an actor?
And listen, I'm not jumping off the cliff.
I'm not jumping out of a plane,
and I ain't fighting no alligator for anyone.
You don't think I can do my own stunts.
You don't think I'm tough enough?
That's what Doug is for, for exactly this thing.
You think I need Doug?
Absolutely.
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't need Doug.
I think he just heard you.
Hey, Doug.
I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
Kevin.
Hey, there he is, my guy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
You ain't gonna believe this shit.
I'm talking to Jordan.
I just found out Jordan sent her stunt double home.
You know what she trying to do.
You know exactly what she trying to do.
She trying to show me up, and I'm not gonna have that.
I can't have that. I'm Kevin Hart, right?
So, here's the thing, right?
Let's get into this relationship
'cause it's one of the best that I've ever had.
How long you been with me, man?
Damn, that long, huh?
It's been a long time.
I know you gonna be fine,
and it's time for you to fly, right?
So with that being said, uh, we're done.
I-- I'm gonna go ahead and--
Is "fired" the word, I guess? I guess it is "fired."
So I'mma fire you, but in a,
but in a dope way to where we still cool.
I-- I'm gonna go on and get ready.
My guy!
- It's stunt time. - Kevin, this is a terrible--
It's stunt time!
Listen, I'm not trying to show you up.
Hey! Enough, Jordan.
It's all good, Mr. Action Star.
Now, you listen to me, alright?
I've been in this business for goddamn--
goddamn, how long?
How long?
You telling me that my goddamn reputation
doesn't speak for myself?
It fucking should!
When-- when does Cap Four shoot?
Does Mackie have a guy?
He does. He gets it.
Everybody's got a fucking guy, huh?
What about Adam Driver? Now, you said he's billed. Huh?
Listen, I can do work for him.
I-- I can be Adam's driver, right?
Yeah, no, listen, I'm serious about that.
I don't give a fuck. I'll drive.
I-- I'll be Adam's driver driver driver if I have to.
God damn it Scott!-- Fuck you!
I've been in the goddamn business for years.
You know what?
This is my me time. I really enjoy working.
I find a lot of peace, happiness,
and, uh, solace in creating.
And now my creating is about putting other people
in positions to win, um, amplifying other careers
and opportunities, not just me.
So, hopefully, it continues to grow.
I can't believe that my stuntman
would do this to me.
Ex-stuntman.
No, I gotta do something about this-- Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, Kevin.
Uh-oh. Oh, no. Let mom look at this.
Hold on. Oh.
Oh, we gotta change this dressing.
Take him to the bedroom.
- Prop him up. - Here we go.
- Get some wet towels. - Here we go.
Shouldn't he go to a hospital?
No. I'll get him back on track.
It's what I do.
Wait, you're a doctor?
I'm better than a doctor.
I'm a mom.
Left, right, left, right.
He's gonna be fine.
My mom is a miracle-worker.
How about you? Are you okay?
Uh... Well, not really. This is my problem, too.
Doug probably blames me for losing his job.
That's why he's put me in this deadly little game of his,
just for payback.
Yeah. Okay, that's fine, then.
When Kevin gets back to full health,
he will think of an incredible plan for all of us.
No, no, fuck that. We can't just sit here.
We need to do something. We need to get to the bottom of this.
Who is the person Kevin trusts the most?
- His agent. - Really?
Yeah.
Let's pay them a visit.
Right now? We can't go right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jordan, we can't go right now.
But what about this? What about this?
You're famous, Jordan. You get in there,
they're gonna recognize you. That's a problem.
Second is, Doug actually thinks that you're dead, right?
- You blew up. - Shit, you're right.
Oh, my God, I just thought of something amazing.
Thank me. Thank me now.
Let me hear it first?
Smart. That's a smart move, okay?
In the back, there's a disguise.
I always keep a spare disguise for Kevin in the back.
Grab that bag real quick.
- You have spare disguises? - Yes.
I mean, sometimes Kevin likes to live anonymously, right?
Whether he wants to go grocery shopping, feed the ducks,
heckle a stranger.
Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
Come on. Did you see all of them real quick?
Like this one right here, okay? This one right here--
- Andre, the road! - I'm doing it.
It's a hard left with my knees, baby.
Look at this.
This is so embarrassing.
We're lucky that you and Kevin are the same size,
you know what I mean?
Think about this as your greatest acting role to date.
You got this. You got this!
That's fantastic. Okay, and--
Uh, we're here to see, ahem, Scott Hayman.
Okay.
And you are?
Ronald Mondolvia III!
A pleasure to meet you.
And this is the wickedly talented--
Bill. My name is Bill.
Bill Mondolvia. We're both Mondolvians.
This is my uncle on my mama's side.
Shit-fuck, can this man cook a goose.
What was all that before?
Mondolvia... That's nobody's surname.
What do you expect, okay?
I couldn't concentrate. Your accent was fucking insane.
- My accent? - Yes. "Blah, blah, blah."
Okay, it wasn't great, but I mean--
- My accent? I nailed my accent. - It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, because there's no way
they're letting us go back to see Kevin's agent, okay?
They've probably already called security.
So if security comes,
we just pretend to be Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,
the very famous Instagram influencers
who make unboxing videos.
What is this?
We unbox it, and it's a smaller box, okay?
No, no, no. She's going to the loo.
I don't think that Bill would call it the loo.
I feel like he's more old-school.
I feel like she's about to take a shit.
Play it cool.
Like and subscribe, please!
Stop, stop, stop. Right there, right there.
Right there, that's Kevin's agent.
Who is he talking to?
How are you doing, man?
It's not Kevin.
Try not to move.
Mr. Kevin Hart needs to regain his strength.
As long as it takes, you'll be here in my house,
listening to my stories, eating my Christmas pork chops.
When my husband was wounded years ago, I couldn't save him,
but now I've got a second chance with you,
Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
Cynthia's treasure.
Hello?
Mom, mom, put Kevin on.
I can't. He's sleeping.
It's an emergency. Put him on right now, mom.
Come on, wake him up.
Hello?
Are you here to rescue me? I think I've been poisoned.
Kevin, listen up very closely, okay?
We've just been on a deep-cover
reconnaissance mission, and we fucking nailed it.
Doug is you. You've been replaced by Doug.
Wait, what? Replaced? I don't understand.
That's because my mommy just gave you
a very low-dose narcotic. Don't worry about it.
But when you come to, you have to understand
that Doug is trying to convince people that he's you.
He's fixed his teeth. He's changed his hair.
I mean, his mannerisms... Oh, my God, he's-- he's you.
Yeah, well, he can't fool my staff.
They'll know it's not me.
They're my village.
You get a raise. You get a raise.
That's right, everybody gets a raise, huh?
You know why? 'Cause I'm Kevin.
I'm Kevin!
Sorry, Kevin is suddenly very tired.
He needs his rest. No, no, no, no.
Mom, no-- Bye.
If Kevin wants to get through to Doug,
there's only one man he can talk to, Mr. 206.
I don't-- Who's-- who's Mr. 206?
He's a pretty famous stuntman,
and he's Doug's mentor.
Okay. Okay, fine, then this is easy.
We just take Kevin to see Mr. 206.
We? Nope, no way.
I will not be going to see 206.
He is a complete psychopath.
He nearly killed me in a stunt rehearsal
and then tried to make me apologize.
Jordan, Jordan, Kevin needs you right now.
He needs me? - He does, right now.
Oh, I thought Kevin doesn't need anyone,
until he needs everyone.
Okay, fine, then I'll take him to see Mr. 206.
Why? This is Kevin's problem.
You should just let him go on his own.
No. As long as I'm Kevin's assistant...
he'll never drive himself anywhere.
- It's in neutral. - I am so sorry.
We're slowing down. I was trying to go faster.
We did the opposite.
I am so happy my mom was able to nurse you back to health.
What did you just say to me?
The woman put drugs in my goddamn pork chop.
- She tried to poison me. - She's amazing, right?
Look at you now. Okay, come on, come on.
So tell me, why do they call him 206?
'Cause there's 206 bones in the human body.
They say, before he became a mentor in the stunt game,
that he broke every single one of 'em.
Actually, no, it was 205.
But then, on his last day of filming,
they say he broke the 206th one.
What? Which one was that?
Pinky toe, right foot, snapped.
Goddamn.
Uh, hello?
Uh, 206?
Hey, M-- Mr. Two Hundred And Six?
- It's 2-0-6. - Right.
Sign says no soliciting. Go away.
Yeah, no, we-- we didn't see a sign. There's no sign.
Who took my fucking sign?
We didn't take it.
Hey, either way, we're not here to solicit.
We-- we're not selling anything.
You don't even recognize my voice.
You know who's at the door right now?
This is Kevin Hart, comedian, actor.
I just told you... to go--
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
The fuck away!
Hey! Shit!
Come on, baby, it's me.
- It's me. - It's Kevin Hart.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't
kill the both of you right now.
Kevin's about to have a movie that's gonna get him an Oscar.
Well, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Your protege.
We're here because of your protege, Doug Eubanks.
What about him?
Well, we-- we're here 'cause he's losing his shit.
Yeah, no, he's absolute--
That's not true, 'cause you don't deserve a lie.
I'm not here to lie to you.
I'm gonna be honest with you, man.
I screwed him over.
I screwed him over, and I'm here because
I want to make things right, and I can't do that
without you, Mr. 206.
Well, how do you like your tea?
Huh?
Do I make you uncomfortable?
No. I-- I'm just so nervous for you, sir,
because you got really hot tea, and it's just
right above your balls, so--
What are you doing? What are you--
Oh, my God, what the fuck?
Oh, man, come on. - What the fuck?
Come, on man.
The ancient Babylonians believed
that undergarments were a sign of weakness.
I tend to agree.
I respect that.
I just...
I just want to, I wanna thank you
for taking the time, 'cause I know you didn't--
Cut the compliments. Tell me why you're here.
I, um, I know you're Doug's mentor, right?
If there's anyone who knows how he operates,
how he thinks, it's...
I need your help.
Watch your eye. Watch your eye.
Let's walk.
Doug Eubanks is more than just a former student of mine.
He's my friend, my confidant.
Briefly, in 2003, he was my lover.
Doug is the most fearless stunt performer
that I've ever trained.
One time, he asked me to stab him with an ice pick
'cause he needed to know how it felt so he could
replicate that reaction when the cameras are rolling.
- Did you do it? - With pleasure.
As a stuntman, you embrace pain,
lay your life on the line for your actor
every day you step on set.
And occasionally, an actor says thanks.
Sometimes they don't say thanks.
Sometimes they just fire you without warning 'cause
all of a sudden they think they're John fucking Rambo,
but they're nothing but a little bitch with a giant ego.
Yeah, yeah. So, hey, are you gonna talk to him for me?
Actors talk.
Stuntmen... stunt.
You're gonna have to fight Doug, and you're gonna lose.
Well, shit, then why are you--
Why are you even talking to me, then?
Only reason I'm talking to you
is 'cause every person is trapped
in a story of their own design, and I know the exact story
you're trapped in.
Yeah, it's a revenge story.
It's not revenge.
It's redemption.
No, I'm pretty sure it's revenge.
What do you really want?
I want my life back. I want to defeat Doug.
Defeat Doug? Doug's the enemy.
Doug's the bad guy? You're the good guy?
I just want to make sure I'm hearing this right.
Okay, maybe we're both bad guys.
No, Kevin.
You're both good guys.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out.
He fucked Doug.
I didn't hear that. What?
He fucked Doug.
I didn't catch that. I was--
Right at the top, he said it. Right over there, he said--
No. I saw a ladybug. I gotta--
So that means he's kind of fucked you before.
No, no. Wait a minute, no, he hasn't.
This is my dojo.
Well, it kind of looks like a bunch of trees
if you ask me, but alright.
- Goodness gracious. - Excuse me.
- Sorry. - Coming through.
- Yep. Yep. Sorry. - Coming through.
You've really gotta share the trail, guys.
- It's our fault. - Sorry.
We didn't even know it was a trail, to be honest.
I had no idea.
So this is where you're gonna train me to face Doug, huh?
Let me explain something to you.
Stuntman's Creed, be thy actor.
Every role you ever trained for, Doug trained harder.
Every martial art you supposedly learn,
Doug learned it for real.
He had to, 'cause when the cameras were rolling,
it was his ass on the line, not yours, sitting
in video village, sipping lattes,
eating sushi off of nude models.
Hey. First of all, I got a bad case of pinkeye.
I learned my lesson.
Hasn't happened since.
You never appreciated Doug.
Actors never do.
Anyway, I recently learned that
there's a lot of people that I may have underappreciated.
Good, Kevin.
That's growth.
- See that branch up there? - Yeah.
Climb that tree, crawl out to that branch,
and give me a dead drop to the ground.
Uh, how am I supposed to--
You want to know how Doug thinks?
You want to know how he operates?
You must see the world as he sees it,
without fear, without hesitation.
I'm a little scared, though.
I'm just gonna throw that out there.
- It's not like I'm-- - I volunteer as tribute.
Damn right you do.
This is Kevin's journey. That's his dead-drop branch.
No, that's what you don't understand.
You know why? Because what's Kevin's is mine.
- Well-- - Well, right.
I mean, not your material wealth.
- Of course, or your income. - No.
- Or your success. - No.
Or your rare collection of cars, which are amazing.
- No. - Right, none of that.
But his pain, his anguish--
Basically, anything that's bad, anything that's bad--
that's mine, too. That is my journey.
- What? - Brother.
Oh my gosh.
What's happening, guys?
Guys, this don't look good from the back.
What's going on?
Kevin, you can't compete with Doug...
but you clearly have the one thing he will never have.
You have a sidekick.
Andre? No, Andre is my--
Andre's like my-- What would you call it?
No, no, no. No, no.
- I'm his-- - Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
Andre's your what? I want you to say it.
Well, he was gonna say it, too.
No, no, he's right there. Andre's your what?
You don't have to do this, man.
He's your what?
Well, he's my assistant, my assistant.
He's your--
- He's-- - Say it.
Andre's my-- He's my sidekick.
- Say it. - He's-- Andre's my sidekick.
Say it. He's my sidekick.
Yeah, I need you to say it.
Okay. Andre-- Andre is my sidekick.
God damn it, Kevin, I need you to
fucking say it!
And I need you to believe it
deep down in your fucking bones.
Andre-- Andre is my sidekick!
- Huh? - I said, Andre is my sidekick!
Who's your sidekick?
I said, Andre is my sidekick!
I'm your sidekick! - Andre is my si--
I'm your sidekick!
What's happening to me, man?
It's growth, Kevin.
Growth hurts.
That's a pain that no double can take for you.
You see, Kevin, you came here seeking a mentor, but it's you.
You are the mentor.
Hell yeah.
You know what? You know what?
You two... take this moment, talk.
Talk over your new bond.
I'm gonna go get my tea.
What a fucking day.
I mean, now that I'm essentially,
I've been deputized as your sidekick,
I have an idea for Doug. We could work together on this.
We gotta get close to him, okay?
We don't have to record him or anything like...
What's wrong? What's wrong?
That scar on his hand.
Yeah?
I think I recognize that scar.
We don't have any scheduled deliveries.
Please turn around.
Hey, pal, I got a hot date
with my old lady in 30 minutes, meatball sub night,
and all’s I knows is I got a package
from Debra Simon at the studio.
Now, I can either leave it here, or I can take it home,
but you gotta tell me what you want me to do.
Go ahead.
That's what I thought. I'll see you in a bit. Up, up!
Okay.
Hey, Ronald Mondolvia, Mondolvia Plumbing, license and bonded.
You know, some guys are licensed, not bonded.
Other guys, they're bonded, not licensed.
Me, I'm both licensed and bonded.
Debra Simon sent a plumber?
Not a plumber, my man. The plumber.
I can plumb anything with pipes. Fuck it.
Sometimes I don't even need pipes.
One time I plumbed a manila envelope.
Water was spouting fucking everywhere.
- It was insane. - So what's in the van?
Oh, my God.
Hold on to your fucking beautiful, beautiful balls
because this, my man--
It's a commode.
Imported Italian marble, beautiful one-piece
construction, 12-speed bidet.
We got a little air fryer on the right.
You want to cook, eat, circle of life, shitting,
eating at the same time, there's only a couple
of these in the entire world.
This, my friend, probably one of the best
presents in the universe.
So can you, you know, eh?
You gonna help me fucking bring it in, or no?
Alright, fuck it, whatever. Yeah, okay.
I'll supervise. Pick it up.
Use your back.
Whoa, big boy. Big boy coming through.
Big boy.
Okay, Andre has the guard's attention.
Okay.
You sure you're ready for this?
In our family, if an A-list actor is in trouble,
we don't stand quietly by.
We fight, and if we must, we die.
Wow, well, the world could use more people like...
Wait, what is your last name?
Oh, Mondolvia.
Where the hell does this thing go?
Oh, that is the million-dollar question, huh?
Let me think about this.
Well, you could powder-room it, show it off like a prize pony,
or you put it in the main bath.
Keep all that for yourself, hmm?
Now, there's a third option, alright?
Listen up closely 'cause this one's fucking insane.
You can put the commode right here,
smack dab in the middle of the living room,
and you take a big, greasy shit right here,
look everybody right in the eyes,
make them wonder what your deal is.
And I know what you're thinking, holy shit,
that's aggressive, right?
But they'll respect the shit out of you.
Wait a minute, don't I know you?
Don't you know? Don't you know?
Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what it is?
Isn't this the place you took a shit
so big up there that people thought there
was a dog loose in the pipes?
How the hell am I gonna take a shit--
Man, what are you talking about? No.
- Wasn't that you? - No.
- No? - A dog in the pipes?
Maybe it was a dachshund.
Looked like a dachshund, your big--
- Oh, no, is that the dog? - Wait right here.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait right here in New York City,
you know what I mean?
Kevin? Kevin, are you okay, baby?
Everything went incredible up here.
You alright? Yeah, I'm alright.
Sweating my goddamn ass off, though.
Jesus Christ, how you ain't cut no holes in here?
Let's get you out of here and kick some fucking ass.
What do you say, huh? Alright, come on.
- Let's go. - Yes!
- What are you doing? - Funny story.
You're gonna lose your goddamn mind.
I drilled this puppy a little bit too hard.
I can't get it out without the aid of some tools.
So give me a second. I'm gonna grab some tools.
I'll be right back. Okay, talk soon.
Hey, Andre, you better stop playing.
Seriously, man. Andre?
Hey, were those fireworks?
I live next door, at the Mondolvia estate.
Did you set those off? You know that that is illegal.
They're not ours. I don't know who set these off.
Well, it scared the bejesus out of me,
and I have a pacemaker.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Look, lady, I told you, they're not my fireworks,
and I didn't shit in any pipes!
What?
That's for Andre.
Andre?
Come on, man, I'm serious.
There you go. What took you so long?
Where you go? Leaving me in this box
with all that goddamn quiet. Don't do that.
The fuck is that?
Hey.
Andre, that's a chainsaw? Okay, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Slow it down. Slow it down. Slow it down!
You're gonna cut my fucking head!
You're gonna cut my head!
No more chainsaw. No more chainsaw!
No more chainsaw, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Shit. What the fuck, Andre?
Oh, shit. Oh, oh, oh, shit.
On behalf of stunt actors everywhere,
I'm excited to say, this is your day of reckoning!
Hold up!
Trying to tell me a big old stunt legend like yourself
need a chainsaw?
Huh?
That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Two men.
How about two dogs in a bowl? I want to eat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you got a knife.
Big old man like yourself, stunt legend,
you need a knife for little old me?
That's what you need?
Fuck it.
I'll kill you with my hands. What?
Yeah, you know this ain't go too good for you
in that little, shitty hallway.
Man, Jordan whooped your ass.
Mask I was wearing was 100 percent polyester, unbreathable.
Sweating into my contacts.
Hell, a child could have kicked my ass.
Oh, that's a real elaborate excuse,
don't you think? Superman punch!
Oh, shit!
Ah, shit.
Shit. Andre!
Andre, do the sidekick stuff!
I made all that shit up about your sidekick.
You think I'd help you?
You think I'd put a greedy, unappreciative,
overrated actor over a stuntman?
I just thought it'd be fun to give you
some false hope before you died.
Shit! Yo, you gonna break my arm!
Yeah, and every other one of the 206 bones
in your body, and then I'm gonna eat your ass.
I knew it. I knew you were a ass-eater.
Oh, hey. I'll stab you.
Cute knife. What are you gonna do with that?
You gonna hurt me with that? Huh, huh?
No, but she is.
Oh, shit.
Oh, you got him.
It's... Okay.
Um, holy shit.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me.
Eyes. You good.
Thirsty.
- You what? - Th-- thirsty.
Well, get you something to drink.
You fucking threw a knife in his head.
I didn't know what else to do. I meant for his shoulder.
How did you mean for his shoulder?
Fucking size of the fireplace.
That's him.
He's awake. It's a good sign.
It's a good thing. Look, he's fine. He's fine.
What are you talking, he's fine?
I mean, he's...
He's a fucking zombie. What do you mean, he's fine?
Oh, god, he's gonna burn himself.
He's gonna get a burn on his hand or something.
It's not really the worst thing
that could happen to him at this point.
That's true. - Oh.
Hey! There he is.
How you doing, man?
Jesus Christ.
- He's okay. - He's just taking a nap.
He's not dead. He's fine.
- He's okay? - Yeah.
Wait, where's Andre?
Where's my sweet boy?
Don't you worry, 'cause I found him.
Alright, I'm sorry.
I made an oopsie-daisy. I got captured.
I thought I heard your voice, but it wasn't your voice.
It was his voice. I'm the worst sidekick in the world.
- Hey, shut up. - I'm gonna shut up.
- Shut up. - I'm gonna shut up.
You hurt one hair on my son's head,
I swear to God, motherfucker,
I will split you from chin to balls.
- Who the fuck are you? - That's my mom.
I love you, mom. If I die, I love you in heaven.
What the hell is your mother doing here, boy?
I'm here for moral support, and I love him.
I love you, mom.
But I will fuck you up!
- Try me! - Mom--
I love you.
How come y'all don't have no guns?
'Cause we're not here to kill anybody, Doug.
Oh. Oh, is that right?
Then where's Mr. 206 at?
He's... making breakfast.
This is a fucking joke to you.
It's a fucking joke to you.
Shut your ass up. Fuck you crying for?
- 'Cause I can feel your-- - That man was my mentor.
He was my muse, my rock.
And in 2003, for a brief period
where I was confused about my sexuality, he was my lover.
- Okay. - Sounds like a very special--
Shut your ass up. Don't--
Hey, hey, hey, listen to me.
Doug, we are sorry for your loss, man.
- So sorry. - We're sorry.
Oh. Oh, you're sorry, huh? Hmm?
See, y'all are a bunch of brainiacs.
I thought I had all you dead
in that goddamn business offices, I did.
Alright, Doug.
Doug, listen to me. Don't you hurt him, man.
You hear me? Don't hurt him.
Oh, 'cause you care all of a sudden, hm?
All of a sudden, you got a fucking heart, Tin Man?
You don't care about nothing.
This man ain't nothing but an employee of yours,
which means he's disposable. Ain't that right? Hmm?
That's not true.
The man is the complete opposite of that.
- Andre is 34 years old. - 35.
He's left-handed.
Right-handed.
Afraid of scorpions.
I love scorpions.
He won a sixth-grade spelling bee.
I got fourth place.
He memorized every single line of House Party,
both Kid's and Play's.
- You did that. - I did do that.
That is me.
Andre is the one man that I cannot live without.
I'm with you, ride or die,
although I was hoping for a little bit
more ride and a little less die.
I think I'm gonna die, like, really soon.
- Enough, enough. - I'm gonna shut up.
Doug, now stop it.
You don't even want him, man.
You want me. I'm the one who messed up.
I'm the one that threw you out like Tuesday's trash
and left you on the side of the goddamn curb
without the blink of an eye. I did that.
You want me, not him, so let him go.
Let him go and take me.
That's what you want? You want me to let him go?
Hmm? Say it. Say it again.
I want you to let him go.
- Mama, how about you? - Please let him go.
Let him go, huh? Will you let me go?
You want me to let you go?
Please, Doug. That'd be so nice.
Everybody telling me to let you go.
I should just let you go. Hey, mama, I'm gonna let him go.
- Thank you. - Make sure you watch, hmm?
- You watching? - Thank you.
- Now get your ass-- - Ah!
Oh, shit! - Oh, no.
Oh, my, he let go. He literally let go.
- Yeah, I let him go good. - Doug, this ends now.
Oh, well, that's okay with me, Little Boots.
You want to do it the hard way?
Then let's do it the hard way, motherfucker.
I got your ass.
Honey, oh...
My baby's alive!
He's alive. He's alive.
I'm okay. I'm fine, I'm fine.
The table actually broke my fall. Did you see me?
That was the dead drop I never got to do in the woods.
That was my tribute to you, Kevin.
Hey, come on. Let's get you up.
Take it easy.
Okay, we gotta get him-- Oh, my God.
What happened? What's going on?
Nothing.
A tiny, tiny bit of the table just--
Where is it? What part of it?
Don't touch it.
- Listen, listen. - Why, why, why?
Don't touch it. It's nothing. It's nothing crazy.
It's a little splinter. It's fine.
Get the tweezers. Let's get it out.
Why are you holding me back?
- Get it out! - Stop fiddling with it.
Yeah, stop for us. Come on.
Let's go get him to a hospital.
It feels like something's in my kidney, right?
- When I walk, at least. - Come on.
Okay. Jesus.
What the hell is that?
Oh, I installed customizable lights in here,
but you never had time to learn how to use 'em.
All them years I was your stuntman, Kevin.
Get him to the hospital, mom.
- Jordan, come with me. - Okay, be careful.
Come on, honey. Help me out.
See, Kevin, it wasn't
just taking falls and getting kicked in the face
and getting set on fire. Uh-uh.
That's not all I was doing to make you look good.
You remember Justice Squad Part Two?
You decided to gain 30 pounds for the part.
That meant that I had to gain 30 pounds, too, Kevin.
I'm a freaking diabetic, you selfish fuck.
- I almost put myself in a coma. - Okay, hey.
Hey, Doug, easy, alright?
I'm sorry, man. I made a mistake.
Shut your ass up. Mom, no.
Mom, no. Mom, no. Mom, I can't leave.
No, I'm not gonna let you die.
- I'm not losing another. - Mom, mom, listen, okay?
Look at me.
I-- I know you wish you could have saved dad.
Yeah.
I know, I know, but this is different.
I'm not just Kevin's assistant.
I'm his sidekick, and you want to know
the first rule of sidekick?
- Do no harm? - No.
That's doctor's, mom.
The first rule of sidekick is there is no sidekick.
That's "Fight Club," mom.
You know that. Brad Pitt's in that.
Ed Norton's in that, Mom!
Just tell me, then.
Okay, listen to me, and listen good, man.
Back when I was a sidekick, I was always jealous
of the lead actor and all the glory they got.
And I told myself, Doug,
I said, when I become a lead actor,
I'm gonna get that same glory. I want it.
I want to taste that. And I did.
But when I tasted it, I handled it wrong.
I was selfish. I was stupid, man.
And now I realize how much I need my village.
And, Doug, you're a part of that village, okay?
I need you. I fucking need you, man.
Give me a chance to make it up to you.
Give me a chance to prove to you that this is what I want,
that-- that I want you, I need you.
How about I give you the chance
to suck my dick, hmm?
I'm living the life, boy.
I'm in your goddamn mansion.
Hmm? I live here.
I got your career.
Your agents love me.
Them boys love me good, got me a part in a movie and everything.
I'm about to be Chucky in the new Child's Play.
- You took that shit? - Step back.
Get back before I goddamn skin your fucking lip.
And I signed up for a new Woody Allen movie.
Can't wait to see the press around that.
No, no, no, no. Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, wake up. Wake up. Come on.
What? What's happening?
I think what you were
about to do was to try to convince me that even though
you've been impaled by a large piece of
restoration hardware, you want to go back in there
and fight some lunatic
who is physically superior to you in every possible way
because you're not just his sidekick.
You're his best friend.
You're goddamn right I am.
So why go through all this trouble?
The Swedish actor, the torture chamber.
You think it's easy stealing a man's identity, hmm?
You think it's as easy as stealing his face?
Well, it's not, Little Pretty.
It's much harder than that.
Had to get his goddamn fingerprints first.
After that, I had to take all your goddamn passwords.
Once I got that, I said, we get your voice ID.
All the other secrets that you hold, I got it.
I got it good.
So now you have everything you need to be Kevin.
You even removed your mole, you sick son of a bitch.
Yeah, I did.
You know why?
'Cause I'm Kevin Hart. I'm Kevin Hart.
I got all the money in the world.
I got the best dermatologist in the world
'cause I'm Kevin Hart.
Dr. Sanchez would never touch
that rough-ass skin of yours.
But she did, motherfucker. She did!
Ah, shit!
No, boy.
Smack your ass. No, no!
- Ah, ah. Hold on. - What?
Superman punch!
No, not today.
Oh.
I told you. - Ah, you stupid little bitch.
Wasn't done with you, hmm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
See, I got your body.
Doug, you ain't got to do this, man.
- Give me a chance. - But now--
Doug, no!
Now I want your soul.
Don't take my soul.
I'm gonna get your fucking soul.
What's happened to me? What the fuck you just do to me?
Oh, shit.
Just stab me in my goddamn scapula, boy?
- Hey! - Huh?
That's a wrap on Doug.
Oh, got me good.
Motherfucker!
Hold on, Andre, is that the piece of wood
that was lodged in your side?
Sidekick for life.
No, Andre, that was supposed to stay in to stop the bleeding.
I told him it was a dumb idea,
but does he listen to his mom?
I'd do anything for you, man.
Hey, hey, look at me.
You're the best damn sidekick I ever seen.
Alright, guys, call the cops.
Stay with Doug until they get here, okay?
I've gotta get you to the hospital.
This time, I'm driving.
You know, actually, I will drive. I'm gonna drive.
I saw the way you drove last time,
so I think I'll take it from here.
- Why don't we just-- - We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah, but I'll use my feet and hands,
and you can sit on my lap or some shit.
He's in shock. I got you, buddy.
Keep an eye on Doug.
I got you, buddy.
I mean, I was foolish.
I let my ego run the show, and I'm honestly,
I'm lucky to be alive. We both are.
Why is he here with us again?
'Cause he's a vital part of my team.
Ah, okay.
Hi, hi, hi. Sorry.
- Sorry I'm late. - And so is she.
And so are they.
Alright. Who is the older lady?
Are you talking about that gorgeous woman
in the back? That's my mama.
Mama, how's the food?
Oh, it's so confusing.
Yeah. I love it, though.
I'm not really sure what her role is yet.
We're still trying to iron out the kinks.
But what I do know is it takes a village
to operate the world of Kevin Hart,
and she's a villager.
What's a villager?
Wow, Kevin, I gotta say,
you certainly have changed.
No, I just learned to appreciate the people
that matter the most in my life.
♪ Lovely day lovely day lovely day... ♪
Well, does that mean that you're in for Jefferson's 2?
Yeah. Just gotta check with my stuntman first.
♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
Isn't he in prison now?
♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
He is.
Yeah, I don't know. It slipped my mind.
Ah, I forgot.
Forgot?
Hey. Hey, guard.
Guard! Hey, let me out of here.
I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.
Shut the fuck up! - I'm Kevin Hart.
I'm Kevin Hart!