[footsteps]
[footstep continues]
[screaming]
No.
Please.
Bang!
Nice shot, lover. What was that for?
This was due back last Thursday.
And besides, he forgot to rewind.
Gumshoe Video.
If we don't have it, we'll hit the pavement looking for it.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
Wow, this is amazing.
I don't really know where to begin.
[gasps]
I told myself I wouldn't cry.
Um... no, seriously, I have so many people to thank...
I would just like to start by saying...
[ads playing] it's you guys that make this...
[crowd booing]
[crowd screaming] Stop!
Guys, can someone...
[crowd yelling]
[ads playing]Media Giant.
[Buddy] It's horrible.
It's okay.
I know I can't compete with these big guys, but as long as I have you guys...
my small and loyal following of geeks and weirdoes, I know I'll be alright.
Everyone, have some more beer!
Oh, and stick around, because later on...
we are gonna have a special midnight screening of a 1949 classic She-Gorilla.
Yes!
That's right.
[girl] Yeah!
Alright.
[people chatting]
How was that, man?
You're not supposed to show ads for two different video stores...
during the same commercial break, alright?
Who cares? When is the show again?
Oh my god, 3:12 a.m.
[illegible] God damn thing.
Those are your people.
- Who? Scottish people? - Hmm-hmm.
No, no, no, the freaks.
They're up all night, sniffing glue, watching
competitive jump rope on ESPN for women.
Those are the people keeping you in business.
- Yeah, you know, you're right. - I know I'm right.
All I'm saying is I love Neil as much as everyone.
But it was basically a rip off of Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.
[woman chuckles]
- Well, it was. - Thanks, man.
I would've done something more deconstructive,
like videotape actual video tape.
- The commercial was dynamite. - Great, thanks.
And Denise was great. Where is she?
I guess she didn't show it. She thinks this whole thing is a little stupid.
- What? - Yeah.
- You okay? - I'm alright.
- Alright, see you guys, bye bye. - Alright, bye.
Have fun tonight, alright?
[Marcia] I cannot believe Denise didn't show.
[Neil sobbing]
[baby crying]
[Neil] Hey, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
[baby crying]
- Great. - [Neil] I'm just kidding.
Hey, man, come here.
What's up?
Hey, you see that girl?
Um, can you spill water on her?
[giggles] Like on her tits?
No, uh... in her lap.
- Alright. - Alright.
Wait.
Alright.
Here.
Don't insult me.
[woman screaming] [waiter] Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
[screaming continues] [waiter] I'm so terribly sorry. I'm so horribly sorry.
- Awfully sorry. - [woman] You should be sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Sorry, I'm late. - Never mind.
Guess that's what happens when you turn into a big TV star.
[chuckles]
Oh, what happened with your dress?
Oh, yeah, it's nothing.
Again, I'm really sorry.
Uh... Denise, do you think you're a little hard on that waiter before?
Neil, what do you get out of hiring some goon
to throw a pitcher of water in my face...
- while you hide... - It's not a pitcher.
While you were hiding in the bushes.
You are not sitting in front of some movie,
you are acting out some immature little game...
if you want this to work, you'll have to grow up.
Or we could just break up.
What?
Wait a minute, I came here to tell you to get your shit together...
you can't turn this into breaking up with me.
Here we are.
I don't believe this.
The next thing you're gonna say is, "It's not you, it's me".
No, it's definitely you.
See you're not enough like Katharine Ross
in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
I don't know what that means.
She was so supportive, she didn't make Paul Newman feel stupid.
She went along with it.
Well, you know what, Neil? You can't go long with someone who's going nowhere...
someone who runs a shitty little video
store that doesn't even make any money...
and spends his days hanging around a bunch
of dorks talking about the Seventh Seal.
No, hey, you liked the Seventh Seal.
I was faking it, you sucker.
Oh, this is Burgman?
The imagery is so powerful! What a genius!
I'm so happy you made me watch this.
Hmm!
[Neil] I can't keep sponsoring Monday nights at the club, man.
- Come on. - I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I'm getting killed on Mondays, dude.
Nobody comes out to see these local bands.
These are shitty bands, man.
Who the hell wants to watch a bunch of
high school metal heads with names like...
shit and bricks and Trojan whores.
- Trojan whores? - Yeah.
I like that.
I don't know. You gotta help me out, dude.
You got help me out. I'm taking a bath on these live shows.
I can't even afford new uniforms with a soccer ball team.
The other teams are laughing at us. It's a total joke.
- Shit. - I know.
[ads playing]
Oh, I love this, check out this entrance.
[ads playing]
[TV] What a sucker!
[door bangs]
[TV] You did a very good job yourself, you didn't need too much of my help.
No, I don't mind. I'm in the video store right now.
No, it's one of those little shitty ones.
[TV] Yeah, and wouldn't that break your heart?
What do you think about The City of Lost Children?
Excellent film by the same guy who made Delicatessen.
I'm on the phone, actually.
What's Casino?
To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it.
It's basically a poor man's good fellas bet in Vegas.
Hang on, I'm, I'm... still on the phone.
So which one should I rent?
So which one do you recommend?
[sighs] [bangs]
All of a sudden, you're mute?
Oh, oh... I take it you're talking to me now.
Who else would I be talking to?
[chuckles]
It's for a friend who's at home sick, which one do you recommend?
What's the matter with your friend?
Why?
If your friend's got stomach flu and he's
running to the bathroom every five minutes...
then I'd go for this one.
But if your friend is in some kind of medication like...
You know what, just surprise me.
This one.
Great, uh... so how does this work?
What do you mean?
I've never been to one of these places.
You never rented a movie?
I've been to a movie, does that count?
Okay, let's start you off with a membership.
You know what, I knew it was some kind of racket.
No, not really, you need to give me your
driver's license and I'll give you a membership.
I don't have a driver's license.
- How do you get around? - I get around.
Okay, well, I can't give you a membership
until you give me a driver's license.
Hmm, how about a cash deposit?
I'll give you 20 bucks.
- What? 20 bucks? - Yeah, 20 American Dollars.
You know, these are all types you kind of hard to...
Alright, I'll give you 50 bucks and I
don't want to hear anything more about it.
Fifty it is.
Lucky for you, I saw my pimp today.
Oh, ah, Fletch, right?
No, his name is Donald.
Well, that's it. That's all I've got.
Don't blow it all on cigarettes and toilet wine.
[both chuckle]
- It'll be right here. - Alright.
Great.
[Neil whistling]
[commentator speaking]
[commentator continues speaking]
[people cheering in TV]
It makes no sense that zombies eat, they are
dead, they have no digestive system that works.
But they need people's brains in order to continue to live in the undead world.
- Yes. - How come they never puke?
Their insides are full of puke.
I still don't understand why zombies have to eat people.
Why don't they just go into restaurants?
- Absolutely. - It doesn't make sense.
They need to eat brains.
But they are already dead.
I understand them killing people ripping them
apart because they are angry that they are dead.
[Neil] Hi!
- Hi. - Hi.
You like the movie?
Um... yeah.
Cool.
We made it half way through, huh?
Um... yeah.
- You want to see something cool? - Sure.
Watch this. Hey, guys, guys, here!
Hey.
Okay, okay.
She stopped it when Clancy is following the professor.
My love, don't embarrass the family. It's clearly, the race track scene.
Please, she obviously stopped where the goons jump Clancy back at his apartment.
Hmm.
You're on crack.
This movie is stopped at the scene in the night club.
Just as Baxter... depending on the tracking...
just when he confesses killing the Gypsy.
That's crazy.
Why would anyone stop at just when he's about to confess?
[laughing]
You're right.
Precisely, hey, she wouldn't. She would be dying to know who killed the Gypsy.
Until I put it to you, ladies and gentleman...
that she fell asleep before the Gypsy was murdered.
And then she woke up in the nightclub scene...
and then not being able to appreciate the
ironic tragedy of Baxter having to murder...
the only person who could got him out of the hook, she shut it off.
I don't know, put it in.
He seems a little...
[woman grunts] Let's see.
[TV playing]
[characters speaking]What's wrong with that?
- Will you cut that music out! - Cut out the rest of the fuss!
Why did you kill her?
[laughing and applauding]
Cool... but scary.
Listen, I'm still gonna have to charge you full price...
even though you only watched half the movie, sorry.
Uh... guys, did anyone take an envelope from underneath the register...
written on it was nothing at all?
You wrote the words, "nothing at all", on the envelope?
I don't even understand the question.
[Marcia] Yeah, I'm confused.
- No? - No.
Looks like I have mislaid your deposit.
I'm sorry.
This is where you offer me 50 dollars' worth of movie rental.
It's a pretty good idea.
You know what, no offense, but I don't think I'm really gonna use it.
You get a lot of good movies for 50 dollars.
Or you could just take me out to a 50-dollar dinner.
Oh.
Well, I could just use the cash as well, just the cash.
No, no, no.
That's a great idea.
I can write it off as a business dinner.
[chuckles]
Uh... tonight?
Sure.
Do you know a place called Light sides?
- Hmm. - Alright.
I'll see you there at eight.
- Deal. - Cool.
- Uh, Violet. - Oh, Neil.
[both chuckling]
[woman laughing]
She asked me.
Hey, when your done fucking the customers,
want to play Trivia Pursuit with us?
No, thank you.
[TV playing]
[Neil whistling]
Hi.
- Ha-ha. - Well, well, well.
Look who decide to finally show up for a date.
Uh, I'm only three minutes late.
We're on a business trip.
I gotta tell you though, it's a hell of a happy hour.
[tapping on the couch]
They got the best goddamn peanuts in town.
- What? - Peanuts, P-E-A-nuts.
- Oh, alright. - Peanuts.
I guess you've been here a while.
Okay, enough with the chitchat.
You gonna take me back to your place or what?
Uh, you know my car is right outside, I can
give you a ride, or maybe I can call you a cab?
- What do you think? - You sure you don't wanna take me home?
- Hmm... - Neil, look at me...
- I'm wasted. - Yeah.
I mean, like shooting a fish in a barrel.
[Violet laughing]
Uh, you know, Violet? I think you are very
attractive. Really, you're very attractive.
But come on, I mean, what kind of guy would I be if I...
take you home and take advantage of you.
[Neil whispers] You know?
- So... - You're such a nice guy, Neil.
I'm gonna cry.
It's just really refreshing to meet such a decent person these days.
Vodka and soda.
Um...
I'll have the screwdriver.
I thought there'll always be a market...
a group of customers who needed something a little more personal...
and a little more intimate?
Sure.
Plus, most of these big stores don't have more
than a few Alt movies, hardly any B movies...
Sci-fi, Neway, forget about it.
That's a bummer.
I know.
Plus, I find out there's gonna be another
Media Giant store opening at least a mile away.
Did they send over a bunch of guys in suits with
cash in their briefcases try to buy you out?
No, I'm not really a threat, they don't need to buy me out.
- Goons with crowbars? - Um, no.
No?
No goons so far.
Um, I guess we've eaten almost 50 dollars' worth of food?
- Alright. - Ah...
Not so fast, big boy, you owe me a 50-dollar dinner.
I put my own tally in...
that'd be about...
[machine clicks]
About 37 bucks.
Um, I'll have a brownie Sundae and a cup of coffee and...
right, a piece of key-lime pie.
So, what are we gonna do about that big video store?
I mean, I assumed that everybody would feel the same way that I felt, you know?
But no, no, no, no.
Most people just want to get in their cars,
they want to drive to the local store and...
rent the latest disaster movie, you know?
Well, there's not many people just wanna
come in and have a leisurely stroll around...
maybe talk about cool break, shoot the shit... No!
Sis.
[TV] Media Giant online, renting your
favorite new releases as easy as watching.
Um, which version of thelnvasion of the Body Snatchers would you recommend...
the 1956 version, or the 1978 version?
We're closing in a few minutes.
Psst! Sh-ht!
[whispers] Come here!
[Violet] Hurry!
Uh... so what's in your mind?
After he leaves, we'll go out and switch the
DVDs so that they are all in the wrong boxes.
That could take all night.
It'll only a take a second to throw a rock through the window, smart guy.
[laughing]
[DVD boxes click]
Fancy, put something really dirty in here.
Alright.
Here you go.
[unintelligible]
Here.
So we never really... got to talk about you so much...
what is that you do?
Hmm, I'm looking for something I like.
Alright, what was your last job?
Doing a little this, a little that.
Uh-uh, and... what is it, you know, you want to do?
I don't know, have you never noticed how small jobs get boring pretty quick?
Yeah, yeah.
I would totally hire you, you know, if you didn't fuck up my inventory.
[Violet laughing]
Could I have a disc?
[police car siren]
Shh!
[siren continues]
Good idea!
[screams]
[alarm ringing]
[both gasping]
Oh my god, I think I'm having a heart attack.
My stomach.
Silent alarm? I can afford a silent alarm, forget about it.
Why did I eat all that dessert?
That was fun.
Yeah, it wasn't bad for a Tuesday.
Um, so, if we can get back to the car, can I give you a lift?
No, you go, I think we've got to split up for the night.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I'm just gonna lay low till the heat dies out, you know?
What? Just gonna hang in the yard?
I don't know, there's probably a Frisbee around here somewhere.
I'll be fine.
What are you doing?
Look at that, whole new guy.
Just remember, if they catch you, deny everything.
Alright.
Oh, Neil, you certainly give me a lot to think about.
I'll never rent from that video store again.
Tell me about it.
Not just because they almost certainly have our picture behind the counter...
- [Neil] Alright, well... why? - Ah!
[Violet] Hey, Neal.
Neal, psst, hey, you.
Yeah?
[Violet whispers] We forgot the goodnight kiss.
I mean, you know, if you wanted the goodnight kiss.
Yeah, sure.
Um...
Hello?
[kissing]
[Violet] Okay. I'll catch you later.
Okay.
Tell you what, man, that was the weirdest first date I'd ever had.
Yeah, sounds to me like that chick's cookoo for coco puffs.
I mean, did she have a tendency to mutter things loud to herself?
No.
Alright, then she's not schizophrenic.
Did she have wild mood swings?
No, she was pretty consistently out there.
Alright, then she's not bipolar.
Does she have an unusual tendency to count things?
Um, well, she did get a bit obsessed about the bill.
Yeah, but I mean, did she touch the bill a lot, touch a lot doorknobs, OCD style?
No.
Are we gonna play this game, or you just list off...
every diagnosis just to show me how much you know about psychology?
I'm pretty sure the girl isn't crazy?
Yeah, okay. You're gonna go out with her again?
I don't know, I don't have a number and I don't know where she lives.
You gotta Google her ass. That's what you gotta do.
- I don't know her last name. - [man] Hello?
- Oh, customer, I got it. - Alright, thanks, man.
Sorry.
- Hey. - Hey.
I went inside to look for you, but you weren't there.
The store was totally empty, it was creepy.
I thought maybe you're having those promotional deals...
like you are in a special post apocalyptic movies or something.
Nah, I was just passing time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Nice. Hey, do you know how to "dunk slam" it?
Yeah, I've been known to "dunk slam" in my day.
Ah, nice steal.
I want to learn how to do it.
Okay, first of all, it's called a "slam dunk".
Yeah?
Wow! [wall bangs]
You hear that?
You gotta take these things in baby steps,
today, you'll learn that it's called a slam...
Oh shit!
- Dunk. - This one's for all the marvels...
the world finals. Five, four, three, two, one!
Yes!
God's will! God's will!
Well, the ball has to be in the air when the clock runs out...
you count down the clock, and then you jump, so the game's over.
I'm pretty sure it's the player, as long as
the player's in the air when the time runs out.
Uh, no, it's the ball.
I'm pretty sure it's the player.
It's the ball.
Um, but you can come down now if you want.
No, you come up here.
It's nice, you'll like it.
Aren't your hands killing you?
Yeah.
Wanna go pool hopping?
Uh, no.
[laughs]
You carry binoculars?
Oh, yeah, you'll be surprised how often these babies come in handy.
People are doing all sorts of nasty things in privacy of their homes.
Seems unfair we shouldn't get a peek at it, right?
Looks like the manager is saying they still can't find anything missing.
And the cop is saying maybe they are just some kids having some fun.
And the manager's saying that from the security tape they don't look like kids.
Although the female cooperator seems quite fetching.
I suppose she could pass as a college student in a TV show.
And the cop is like, "yeah, she was quite
beautiful in a unique and fascinating way...
almost like the sunrise on a misty morning".
Is this how most people get caught coming back to the scene?
I have an idea, let's go to my store and watch a movie.
Oh, always with the movies... that's the difference between you and me...
I like you, Neil, but clearly you sit
around and you're content to just watch...
and me, I have to be doing something.
I'm perfectly aware right now what I'm doing is sitting around watching...
so don't bother pointing out the irony.
Huh-huh.
Don't get me wrong, last night was very very exciting...
and I guess this is exciting too...
and given that we're definitely gonna get busted sitting here, but...
can we just go?
Hmm, okay.
So where did you grow up?
Alaska, and Stockholm and Cape Town, but mostly Tasmania.
- Wow, that sounds incredibly... - Exciting?
I was just gonna say made up?
So where did you go to school?
A mystery school for young women.
[chuckles]
Hmm, that sounds hot.
Oh, yeah.
We all wore baby doll pyjamas and we had pillow fights every night.
And when Ms. Stern caught us, She doused us all with baby oil.
Terrific.
- So do you live around here? - No.
- Oh. - What?
Did you think we're going back to my place?
Slow down, Casanova.
No, I was just hoping to get some confirmation
that you actually live around here.
I can't shake off the feeling that you're
just blowing through the town like a carnival.
Well, I can't give my address out to anybody, I'm sure you'll understand.
Huh-huh.
Well.
I gotta go do some stuff.
OK, well, thanks for stopping by maybe you'll stop by again.
Nah.
Actually, I'm ready to give you my phone number.
Cool.
I want you to be very careful with this number, Neil.
Sure, I'll memorize the number And eat the paper, how does that sound?
I wouldn't recommend it. It's scented note paper.
You'd be better off flushing it down to the toilet.
Okay, I wasn't actually gonna do that, but sure, I'll flush it.
You are a sweet heart.
[Lucien] Neil, what're you gonna do when this place goes tits up?
[Neil] I don't think it's gonna happen for a few years...
not until people can get any movie they want to, directly in a TV set...
and I'm dead meat.
You should go back to school.
I mean, look at me. I have absolutely no concept of the real world.
Hmm.
I think you need to find a way to supplement your business.
You gotta turn this place into a single's club.
People come in here, they tell you their favorite movies...
and you match them up with the perfect mate using that information.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
You can charge woman 100 bucks.
And no matter what they tell you, you just give them my phone number.
If I set you up with someone who likes Ben Affleck...
you'd throw her out of a moving car.
I don't know. Is she cute?
[John] Alright, this is what you gotta do?
You gotta turn this place into a late
night underground casino. Make some cash!
Lots of towns have these secret gambling clubs...
places making like 50 grand a night.
Right, but if it's a secret, how do people know to come?
Uh, good question.
You let it leak out through word of mouth.
Well, then it's not a secret anymore and then you get busted.
That's why you have secret password,
something like ice station zebra or rosebud.
No, no, no. You can't say rosebud, you'll ruin citizen Kane.
No, you don't, the only way you ruin citizen
Kane is you tell people rose bud is a sled.
Rosebud is a sled?
Yes, it's a sled, it's the last shot out of... what film school do you go to?
How do you let people know what the secret password is?
You let it leak out what the password is.
- It's a secret. - Yeah.
Then it's not a secret, then you get busted.
- He's right. - I think you're over-analyzing.
- You can't have a secret... - I know you're over-analyzing.
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm looking for Neil Louis, the guy who owns this place.
- That's him. - That's the guy.
That's me.
I'm Detective Lowenstein, this is Detective Barlow.
We were wondering if we could have a word with you.
Oh, sure.
Um, you want to come into my office?
[Neil] Guys, can you hold down the fort?
Yeah.
You see that?
And you thought we don't live in a totalitarian society.
All you have to do is even mention opening up a secret gambling joint...
the cops crack down.
Shut up.
What can I do for you, fellas?
So you own and operate this store.
Yes, I do.
And you have just this one store.
Yes.
So it must really be tough for you...
with these big franchise video stores bringing
up every day, must really tick you off...
These big guys driving you out of business?
What's the deal with the old costumes?
Oh, those... I use them for promotions...
if we were doing any special on classic
horror films, I'll dress up as [illegible]
I think you like to play games, you little cock sucker.
We're not gonna beat around the bush, Mr. Louis.
We know that you vandalized the Media Giant video store on Tuesday night.
You're in a shitload trouble, shit face.
You're actually in a very fortunate situation.
The person we're more interested in is your accomplice.
My accomplice?
No, I mean...
Alright, cut the mealy mouth act, shithead.
We want to talk about the girl.
We're willing to let you slide on this thing...
if you can just tell us where we can find the girl.
Why? I mean I barely know here. How come you guys are looking for her?
You don't ask the goddamn question!
We ask the goddamn questions!
You don't need to know what she did, Mr. Louis.
What you need is tell us where we can locate her.
Okay. I don't know where she lives, I swear.
You obviously have some way of contacting her.
A phone number, maybe.
No, no, she didn't give me any number.
Alright, enough with this shit.
You're gonna tell us where to find the girl,
or the only costume you'll be wearing...
is this one!
What are you doing?
You know goddamn well what I'm doing.
Oh, yeah, I think you know. Alright, back off!
- This is mine! - I tried.
Here he comes. Do it.
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
[laughing]
I owe you guys so big!
[laughing continues]
I met Tony at a Karaoke bar and Rick is my next door neighbor.
Don't they look like cops?
[laughing]
Oh, come on. You cannot be mad about that.
Are you kidding me?
I thought I was going to jail, I thought I was gonna lose the store.
Wasn't it wild?
I thought that guy was gonna do something to me.
You thought he was gonna bugger you.
[laughing]
Jesus Christ.
But you didn't give them my phone number...
even though you thought you were gonna get buggered.
I didn't actually think he's gonna really bugger me.
The whole good cop bad cop routine was a little over the top.
You were so brave.
[Violet chuckles]
I gotta go home and do some stuff.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I don't know, I'll probably spend some time in the store.
I'll come visit you.
You can teach me the difference between thrillers and chillers.
[Violet laughing]
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Can you watch the store for a while?
- Could we order a pizza? - No.
Then yes, I will watch.
Alright.
- Neil! - Neil, hi, cutie.
What are you doing?
This is good, you can settle an argument for us.
It's not really an argument.
It's a difference of opinion anyway.
Okay, what is it?
What's happening? Where are you going?
What are you doing?
I'm following a girl, okay? It is important. What's up?
I think the baby should wear sunglasses so
he doesn't stare at the sun and go blind.
And you think that's stupid.
Yes, I do, I think it's stupid. Why would a baby stare at the sun?
Why wouldn't a baby stare at the sun? He is a baby, he doesn't know any better.
Get down, get down, get down.
[kid giggling]
You're killing me, buddy.
A baby wouldn't stare at the sun any more
then it would hold his breath and drop dead.
Thank you.
Is this what married life is like?
[cats mewing]
[Violet] Kitties.
There you go.
- Ha! - Fuck!
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
I'm sorry.
You'd be a lousy spy, Neil.
Oh, no, I wasn't. I wasn't spying.
You know, I'm totally cool with... the cats and everything.
I totally understand.
You know, wipe that look of pity off your face it's not my house.
My place is a dump, but it's a step up from this place.
- Oh. - I'll be right out.
Okay. Okay.
I sneak over every now and then to make sure
Mrs. Calm an doesn't forget to feed them.
I have this fear that I'll walk in one day
and they'll be eating her fingers and toes.
[Neil] Yeah.
I should have known it wasn't your place when I saw that TV set.
I have a TV set, look.
Oh.
Do you ever think that if you got a real TV
set so that you wouldn't feel the need...
to go around playing all these adventures?
Hmm.
I like to think that because I lead a life
of adventure that I don't need a TV set.
Besides, what has televisions got that I haven't got?
Game shows?
Hmm, I have a Monopoly set here somewhere.
Except all of the pieces missing except for the top pat and the little dog.
Hmm, ESPN Classic?
I don't know what that is.
I have something called a Space Channel.
Oh, really?
I also have some selection of pornography channels
♪ Oh help me, I want to lay down. ♪
♪ Oh, help me ♪
♪ I want to lay down. ♪
♪ I follow my own song. ♪
♪ Oh I follow my own song. ♪
♪ And I screwed some fakes. ♪
♪ And I loved so soft. ♪
♪ The pink mountaintops. ♪
- [Marcia] Hi. - Hi.
Hi, where are you going?
I'm going to the park.
We're going to the park, you come with us.
Well, I'm kind of meeting someone.
Ah, a new girlfriend, right?
The one that we stalked the other day?
- Yes. - Yeah, can we meet her, please?
You want to meet her?
Yes, please.
I'm going to get the car.
[Marcia] Good times!
Um...
Child locks.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You brought friends. - Yeah.
Oh, are you nervous about something?
You've got that stinky breath people get when they are nervous.
No, it's just... they are very good quiet people and they have a baby...
Can you not do that?
- Hi. - Hi.
Violet, this is Marcia, this is Buddy.
It's so nice to meet you.
Who is this?
This is Emerson.
Oh my gosh, can I hold him?
- Of course you can. - I want to hold a baby.
- Here you got him? - Yeah.
[everyone screams]
[everyone laughs]
Listen, we're so sorry that we're in on the
date, but we just really wanted to meet you.
No, don't be silly, there's plenty of food.
Plenty of food, Emerson!
This is nice, I'm so glad you can join us.
Wow, you made food.
Let's see what we've got.
Now I wish I could say I made all of this, but...
[laughs]
What are you up to?
Now this, I did make.
Oh my god, I love this. I have tried to make this a couple of times...
and it always just sucks.
It's true.
Did you put LSD in the jello?
Oh my god, how did you know?
Believe it or not, the secret ingredient is salt.
- Really? - Hmm-hmm.
I know it sounds gross, but it's true.
Not surprising, because there's actually a
lot of dessert recipes that call for salt.
- Really? - It's true.
It's amazing.
So you guys start...
I'm actually gonna go and feed the ducks.
[Marcia] Okay.
You are going away?
- I love her. - Yeah.
[Buddy] She's a keeper.
- Yeah. - [Marcia] And she's pretty.
- Yeah. - She is a hell cat.
[laughing]
Hi, there.
- Hello. - Hi.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Yeah, it really is.
Oh, no.
Um... how come you guys are eating our food?
So what was the bet?
If the bucks won, I could shove a burrito in your face.
The last time you lost, I was supposed to get to piss on your foot.
I never did.
What are you waiting for?
You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.
- Hey, Neil. - Yeah.
You want to see me piss on his foot?
Sure, yeah, just not in the store.
- Take your sneaker off. - Wait slow down.
Now listen, why don't we go double or nothing on tonight's game?
I don't understand what I get if I win?
How do I double up pissing on your foot?
Both feet.
Oh, shit, I forgot about the game.
I'm supposed to go to Violet's tonight.
What? The prankster doesn't let you watch TV?
It's not that. It's just she likes to act stuff out, like a scene I guess.
She couldn't be more perfect for you.
You think so, right?
Too bad, man, it's gonna be a great game.
I know, shit.
Are your friends mad at me?
No, they thought it was cute.
Um, so where is the cat lady tonight?
I don't know, sometimes she goes out.
I think she's balling that guy that picks up aluminium cans.
Hmm.
Do you think we should go and check on the cats?
Not especially.
It's been dark over there for a few hours now.
I think we should go and check on them.
What's your angle?
Why?
[commentator speaking on TV]
[Neil cheers] Yes!
[table bangs] Yes!
Sorry.
Wow, that was the first cool thing that happened all night.
Come on, that was amazing.
Wait, are you pissed because I want to watch the game?
No, I just don't get it, if you like basketball,
we could be out playing basketball right now.
We could be sneaking into a high school gym, playing basketball by candle light.
Yeah, no.
But sometimes, it's nice to do something...
that's fun not screwy and weird.
You know?
[Violet sighs]
Whenever I'm in a cemetery I tried to look for the grave of somebody...
who died the day I was born.
And then you steal a headstone and dumped it on someone's doorstep.
No, just to gives you something to think about.
That guy is here, now he's gone and I'm here. I'm taking his place, you know?
Would he want me to sit around watching TV all day?
No.
He would want me to run around, all sorts of shit.
Is this why you feel the need to go out and cause trouble?
I have a condition.
It's called bore-phobia.
Bore-phobia?
Bore-phobia.
I see, you're allergic to boredom.
A very exotic and misunderstood disorder.
So you can understand why doctors are reluctant to diagnose it.
Hey look, you know, I...
I hear what you are saying.
And I wish I could be more totally reckless, and I'm trying.
I mean, if you wanna go nude hang-gliding, I'll go nude hang-gliding.
Really? Because I know this guy.
- Not right now. - It's a guy...
But I could call him.
Not right now, just let me finish.
I want to those things, but just in a little more not insane way.
So I'll go nude hang-gliding...
but I just don't want to go to bed and then wake up...
and find myself in a hang-glider with no clothes on.
Are you okay with that?
I understand.
Good.
You want to come back to my place?
I don't think so.
- Are you upset with me? - No, not at all.
It's just you got in my head now you are getting
on your clothes into a hang glider without...
waking up, it's just my wheels are spinning.
I just don't think you really want me to be in bed with you tonight.
Right.
Fair enough.
[singing]
[singing continues]
- Hey. - Hey.
- A good crowd. - Yeah, it's a really good band tonight.
We've got the singer and the keyboard player from the American Sex Club.
They also get the guitars and bass player from the Mustache Rides.
Plus, tonight they got the drummer from Tard
sitting in, so should be pretty bad-ass.
You lost me, dude.
Okay, look, the drummer is normally in a
band called Tard, tonight he is not, alright?
Alright... - Yeah, you go check it out.
It's probably better that way, learn from doing.
Neil, see you later.
So she likes musicians, huh?
[doorbell rings]
[singing]
Thank you and good night.
That was great.
Of course it was great, baby.
Why don't you get me a beer?
[Neil coughing] [Violet laughing]
So, you do this kind of thing much?
Balling guitar players? I don't usually go for musicians.
Really?
Why did you think that I did, Neil?
Uh, I heard that chicks dig musicians.
No, magicians, we go nuts for magicians.
Get the wax out of your ears.
Oh?
So you never dated a musician not even that
guy that I saw you with at Baltimore Jacks?
I always know when you are spying on me.
I get a little warm spot on the back of my neck right here.
That was for my benefit?
[laughing]
You're a sicko.
Maybe, but I managed to bring out a rock star in you.
I've dated a few musicians but I swore off.
Really, why is that?
Well, first, there was Garry Leathers. [illegible]
[Neil] At least he had a great stage name.
Except that wasn't a stage name.
Garry Leather's just a given name, stage name was Randy Cocks.
[laughs] Nice.
And then there was Rick Niamacus.
Rick's all the ambition in life was play the
entire guitars solo from hot for teacher.
[guitar playing]
Once in a day, he did it.
After more than ten years, he finally nailed it.
And after filling his ambition in life, there
is really only one thing left for him to do...
[screaming]
[Violet] Oh god! Oh my god!
- Wow. - Hmm.
And that put you off for musicians forever.
No, but you would think so.
Finally there was Garth Bodka.
Gigantic bald, musical prodigy from Poland.
See I thought Rock and Roll was a problem...
but this classically trained gargantuan was ten times worse than the rest.
[Neil] Hmm, and how did that go?
[Violet] Hmm, he's been chasing me all
over the country for the last three years.
I move to another city, he follows me and breaks down my door.
I move to somewhere else, he tracks me down again, breaks down my door again.
I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
- Here you go. - I'll take this.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'll take this.
Okay.
Steve Jackson.
It's a nice generic name you've got there, Steve.
I guess.
Interesting accent.
Where's the accent from?
- Wyoming. - Right.
You catch the game last night, Steve?
I think Lakers are gonna win it all again this year.
Just like they did last year.
Yeah.
Lakers didn't win the champion last year, Steve.
Can I just get my card please?
[Neil sighs]
Remember when you were wondering why we don't have many customers?
[movie playing]
[man laughing]
[laughing continues]
That's him. That's the guy.
What are you talking about?
Alright, knock it off! You crazy fucking polark!
[audience applauding]
I got my eye on you, alright?
You ever set foot anywhere near Violet, I will personally shit down your throat.
You got it?
What was that?
Oh, oh man.
Violet, she's playing these tricks on
me, she tries to get inside of my mind...
She thinks it's funny, so she tells me this guy after her...
this bald guy, ex-boyfriend.
Shh!
Try to watch the movie.
You're the polark.
You're Polish?
Jerry Lucy is gonna make a salad.
Hello. [door knocking]
Violet?
Hello?
[door knocking] Violet!
Hello?
- Jesus! - Neil!
[Violet screams]
Jesus, Violet.
[screams]
This is bullshit.
[screams]
[screaming continues]
Come on now. I get it.
[gasps]
Fuck, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
[Neil screams]
You said no one was gonna get hurt.
What was in your jacket?
God, Neil, you and your video tapes.
I'm sorry he hurt your head you think you can make it home alright?
Yeah, I'm okay.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
Denis.
Pa-pa.
[chuckles]
You know every time I see you I feel I'm in one of those hidden camera shows?
It's not so bad, people love those shows, right?
No. I don't love those shows. I hate those shows.
I mean what was I supposed to do tonight, huh?
What was supposed to happen?
I don't know! Whatever you want to do.
You are the guy who sits around all day watching this kind of shit on TV.
What does the guy on TV do?
What do you mean watch this kind of
shit? How do you know what I am watching?
Oh my god, do you spy on me?
Da.
[chuckles]
- That is crazy! - Why?
Come on, you can't see how crazy that is?
There is not one guy in the world would go out with a girl who spies on him.
But we're not going out, we're getting to know each other.
We're finding out about each other.
Frankly, there's no better way to know somebody
than to catch them in their unguarded moments.
Everybody can say all the right things on those first few dates.
I find that's an effective way to cut through the bullshit.
And you followed me just the other day.
- Well... - Uh-huh.
Yes, I followed.
Look, you were being cagey, you were
practically begging me to follow you home.
I'm not one of those insecure girls who runs around spying on a boyfriend...
because she thinks he may be cheating on him. That is just sad.
No, you definitely project confidence.
Yeah, yeah.
I happen to think I'm a real catch...
so why shouldn't I be thorough about who I go out with?
Yes, so I watched you and I find out you are a very decent person.
You are.
So if it's the spying that bothers you, I promise to put down my binoculars.
Unless you want to go bird-watching in which I would gladly do.
Even though it sounds kind of boring.
Um...
No, I'm sorry, I can't... I can't...
[door bangs]
Oh, man.
[Lucien] I still say that Korean snuff cartoons
are much better than Japanese death-match anime.
[John] I say the Japanese death-match anime...
is much, much better than Korean snuff cartoons.
I still say that Korean snuff cartoons are
much better than Japanese death-match anime.
You're crazy!
Japanese death-match anime is so much better than Korean snuff cartoons.
You're crazy!
-Korean snuff cartoons... -Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Excuse me, you guys have any Japanese death-match anime?
Yes, but we can't talk about it, because our boss broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
Hey.
Have you ever seen any Korean snuff cartoons?
- No. - Yeah, nobody has. It's garbage.
- Hi Neil! - Hi.
- How is it going? - Good, good, how are you?
- Good, you look good. - I know, thank you.
- You do too. - Thanks
It's so funny I was just thinking about you.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
- Hey, you. - Oh, hey.
This is Chad.
- Chad. - Hi.
This is the guy I was just telling you about.
Your old boyfriend?
Yeah, guilty.
They guy that let the waiter throw a bucket of water on you?
First of all, it wasn't a bucket and I was just
trying to observe from a distance her reaction...
Sounds like a perv to me.
That's cool.
So you were just hanging in the bushes and
jerking off like some pathetic peeping tom?
We should definitely get together some time.
[Lucien] Last but not least, there's a letter...
from a place called Movie Dork Video in San Clement.
This guy is going under and he needs to liquidate.
So he wants 3000 bucks.
And if we buy everything for 3000 bucks,
he'll give us free shipping, which is great...
but obviously, there's a lot of crap here we
don't need, like 8 copies of Ernest Ghosts camp.
But he does have some stuff that we don't have.
So we could just take everything and save
on the shipping, which is not a bad idea...
or we can cherry-pick and...
[DVDs banging]
We can do this later, if you want.
Oh, god, Lucien. She's ruined it for me, Lucien.
It's all so boring now.
Hey, let's put in a movie.
No, no more movies.
It's no use, it's not enough anymore, you know?
It's just all so mundane and so predictable, Lucien.
Oh, hey, look. It's Jason.
Jason is gonna come in here...
and he's gonna hand me a package and then he's gonna hand me his thing...
And I'm gonna sign the thing and hand it right
back to him and he's gonna get in his truck.
He's gonna drive off.
Woo... it's so predictable, Lucien.
It's not enough anymore.
You know, where is the... where's the adventure, you know?
There is no adventure, man.
Where is the adventure, Lucien?
You signed "Neil Adventure".
I did?
Crossed out "Adventure", you wrote "Adventure" again...
What does it matter, Jason?
Huh?
Matters because I'm responsible for any package...
that doesn't have a valid signature of receipt.
- Jesus Christ. - I don't make the rules.
Lighten up, Jason.
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Gumshoe Video.
Do you guys have westerns?
Yes, we do.
OK, I really want to rent a couple of
Westerns, but I only have enough money for one.
As it happens, we're actually doing a
special tonight, which means you can get...
Here is the thing, I only feel comfortable renting
the Westerns from a guy dressed as a cowboy.
Do you have anybody there dressing like a cowboy?
Fuck you.
[phone ringing]
Gumshoe Video.
Why did you hang up on me?
Um, I guess I'm never gonna learn huh?
I know, it's brilliant.
So I wonder how you knew what I was wearing.
Don't bother looking out the window, I'm actually at work.
You have a job?
Yeah, you wanna come pick me up from work?
Um... well, I was gonna give the store open for another hour, so...
You have to come now.
Yeah, I guess I could... I guess I could come now.
Parking lot behind the bookstore and then walk north up the alley.
Hmm, this sounds dubious.
Oh, it's very dubious.
There is a stair leading up to the door on the second floor.
Doorway to the second floor, got it.
[door creaks]
When you get to the door, you're gonna give
it three long knocks and three short knocks.
Three long knocks, three short knocks, got it.
And Neil, you absolutely have to keep the cowboy outfit on.
[Violet chuckles]
[door banging]
[man laughs]
Oh, hey, take it easy, brother.
- Just take it easy. - Wait, man.
- Hey. - Hang on.
- You hang on. - Hang on.
Come on.
Okay, cow boy, just be cool, alright?
Don't do anything crazy.
God damn it, Glenn, just give him the cash!
Alright, nobody needs to get hurt, okay?
Okay, guys?
Alright, Glenn. [clearing throat]
Why don't you just toss that pouch over here real nice and easy like?
[Neil] Then we'll just take it from there.
Good.
Now you stay right there, I'm just gonna take a look at the little Missy here.
What the hell is going on in here, Glenn?
Be careful, Andy, he's got a gun.
How did he get in here, Glenn?
We let him in, Andy.
Why did you let him in, Glenn?
He used the secret knock, Andy.
I told you the secret knock was a bad idea!
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did!
I said as soon as you leak it out, it's not a secret anymore!
No, that's what you said about the secret password, Andy.
It's the same goddamn thing, Glenn!
Alright, guys, I get it, I get it.
Andy, come on, Andy.
I get it, come on.
Why don't you step over there behind the desk...
- Damn it, Glenn! - Andy!
What's he wearing?
-What does it look like?
- It looks like a dress. - No, it's a poncho.
He's obviously a cowboy, you've never seen a cowboy before?
So what have you guys got going on here, huh?
[crowd talking]
Holy shit!
An underground black jack club.
Bang!
Hey, you look like the good, the bad and the ugly.
Come here, poncho!
After him!
Faster!
[Glenn grunts]
Shit!
Bang!
- Glenn! Glenn! - Andy, what?
What are you doing?
I'm washing myself, I'm cooling down, I'm hot.
What happened to your head, you okay?
I fell down.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay, I've got a headache.
[windows banging]
Hey.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Do you know what we did?
Listen, Neil, it wasn't supposed to be dangerous,
the owner wasn't supposed to be there...
I never thought for a minute that somebody was gonna shoot at you.
Holy shit, that was the wildest thing I've ever done in my whole life.
How many people can say they've done something like that?
I thought you'd never want to see me again.
Are you kidding me?
There was like 20,000 dollars in this bag.
How long have you been planning this? I mean, this is genius.
Wait, you know I think that they think it's an inside job.
Because if they do, you should quit right away, no!
Not right away, you should tell them that you
suffer from some kind of post-traumatic stress.
That way, they won't suspect anything.
I'm serious, Neil.
I thought you wouldn't want to have anything to do with me after this.
We need to find a way to get my car back, good
thing you told me to park it up the street.
I guess I can have Lucien go get it, right?
What is it? My cut? Is that my cut, baby?
How does this work?
I guess you're the brains, I'm the monkey wrench, yeah?
Yeah?
You know what I hate about all those old detective movies you always watch?
No, what?
It's always so obvious the dame was up to no good.
It always turns out the girl's playing the guy for a sap every time...
and everybody knows it except for the poor sap.
No, there are some good movies where the dame turns out to be alright.
Uh, Key Iago for instance.
You're the nicest guy I've ever met.
And I'm a terrible person.
♪ Out on the wall sounds of banging is constant coming from your head ♪
♪ And desperate the calls came and
ringing from those wanna wring your neck ♪
♪ your neck ♪
[Neil sobbing]
♪ Open your mouth sounds of breathing found it spilling from your face ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Best to be dim to be humble of traffic stepping on your name ♪
♪ Count on... ♪
♪ Us all falling our own swords tonight ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Chilling walk home down the portions
roads there leading straight to your place ♪
♪ And look like the tin can with swallows
the kitchen plugging up your space ♪
♪ Count on us all stepping on ♪
♪ our own toes tonight ♪
Are you never gonna stop falling for this shit?
What?
What're you doing to me, Violet? Why are you doing this?
Why are you like this?
Because I really like you.
- Give me a break. - No, I'm crazy about you.
I believe the first half of that.
I'm just trying to protect myself.
- It doesn't make any sense. - It doesn't?
Let me guess, you've never been in a relationship longer than a year, right?
Fifteen months.
Fifteen months before you start to get restless...
just one year before you started to look at your
girlfriend like she's an old comfortable shoe.
Because she is not... or... [illegible]
It's just a matter of time before zip out the door, nice knowing you, right?
Does it make me crazy, because I never want
you to look at me like an old comfortable shoe.
You're the sweetest, most interesting, most creative guy I've ever met.
But you're fundamentally screwed up, I mean...
you've spent half of your life hanging out with fictional characters...
and what woman can live up to that?
Oh.
And I should point out, Neil, that...
it takes two to tango, I mean, if you are not
the most gullible son of a bitch I've ever met...
I wouldn't feel obliged to do these things to you.
Give me a break, you're like the baby that never gets tired of peek-a-boo.
Every time it's like you've never seen this trick before.
Maybe you're right, maybe I'm some kind of sick, twisted baby but...
come on, how can this possibly work?
How can people live like this?
And how do I know you're not gonna vanish in a couple of days?
That's easy, just don't let me out your sight.
I mean how do I know, I'm not gonna end up in a
bathtub of ice water with my liver taking out.
It's either spending your life wondering whether I'm going to steal your liver...
or try to find a woman you'll never take for granted, you choose.
Can a person live without his liver?
What do I look like, the surgeon general?
Okay.
Put some clothes on, you gotta take a ride in the new car.
Come on!
Wait, um...
Neil, come on!
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Come on!
- Wow! - Ta-da!
Ha-ha, you... you spent all that money on a car?
You think I want to walk around the rest of my life looking like a schmuck?
Well, I like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And I didn't spend all the money not even
close, that was a lot of money we stole.
Hey, I stole.
Yeah, well, there is enough money left for a week in Vegas.
Oh, I don't even want to think about the
kind of trouble you'll get me into in Vegas.
Puerto Vallerta?
No, no, no, Mexican prisons, I've heard stories.
Mount Rushmore.
Defacing a national monument five to ten years.
Graceland.
Graceland, huh?
Hey, um, you're gonna let me drive?
How come?
I just have this image of you pulling a Thelma & Louise and phew...
[chuckles]