老天，我们就不能多放会广告？这电台是关于我的呀！什么？ God can we play more commercials on the station this station,this station is about me!what??
卧槽！我是Amy,节目继续，我的天哪，我现在好兴奋啊！今天的嘉宾是Jez Torrent oh hi I'm Amy so right!we're backI'm here with like, oh my god this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jez Torrent,
一个来自苏格兰的摇滚之神，Jez,我很抱歉，你能不能..天哪我是LF的超级粉丝！ A rock god all the way from Scotland,England.So Jez,I'm sorry as you can tell oh,I'm a really huge fan of love fist!
-嗨嗨，别抱歉，你是个有品位的女人，我喜欢 -谢谢！ -Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dontya say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I like that -Thanks
谢谢谢！好嘞！额，Jez，那东西，是谁啊？ Yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jez,who is that thing with you?
不要在意Mandy，她有点神志不清，她现在24小时负责着我，可怜的姑娘 她对我可迷恋了，向大家问好 Dontya mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man,look she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying,poor lassie she's had a torrent of Jez more than one girl can take eh, say hello man
你好Paul！我们在哪里？ Hi Paul,angle, where are we?
她还没有适应摇滚的生活方式，喂！出去到大厅等到我采访完 The rock lifestyle hasnt been to good to her, man just go away and sit in the lobby until I'm finished.
我去看看冰箱 Check the fridge
她还好吗？且不说她长的那么丑，她现在看起来像行尸走肉 Is she ok?I mean apart from being an ugly cheap cow, she looks half dead.
喂喂喂！別嘲讽我的生活方式！我是个艺术家你懂？ I say hey hey hey seriously man dont cramp my style, I'm an artist,ya know?
好好，Jezzy，我这一周一直在用录放机听你的专辑，你真的太有名啦！我是说...你好吗！ ok Jezzy,so Jez,I was listening to your album on my boombox all weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really,totally famous, no way, I mean,like, so anyway,how are you?
好着呢，好着呢,你不可能因为过度迷恋而死的，我之前试过，美国之旅真的很特别， 你们美国人真会摇滚！不像我们英国那里 Cool Man, I'm cool,things are good,you cant O.D.on love,and I have tried.the tour is really something special,you Americans,you really know how to rock and roll man,not like back home.
这我就不懂了，是因为新专辑在英国表现不佳吗 I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK?
都是那个撒切尔那个法西斯！我为工人阶级而歌唱，想要大家坚持度过艰难时刻 It's that fascist Thatcher, I sing about working class people,trying to make it through a tough life, I sing about the things they want,trashing hotel rooms.
我唱的都是大家想要的！破坏宾馆房间，画眼影，在报废的跑车旁的水沟里醒来。 当你生活在贫困线边缘，这种感情就能征服一切，你懂吗Sheila？ wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled sports car, when you make minimum wage,love conquers all,know what I mean Sheila?
我的名字叫Amy，呵呵 The name is Amy, hehhh
好吧，无所谓 Aye right whatever.
就如我所述的，我是个艺术家，我歌唱不为财，要不然我怎么会穿这么破的衣服？ like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes?
那些评判者根本就不懂，他们所处的立场也不会懂，他们有没有真正听过我的歌词是怎么写的？ it's because the critics don't know,you know, they stand there and they do not know,have they ever really listened to the lyrics to Burry Me Deep inside?
如果我的音乐不是他们想要的，喜欢的，那么我想要表达的他们就不可能理解，对不对？ eh,if the music isn't what they want to hear,if the songs,ain't the right songs, you know,if things aren't in their space,or whatever,right?
你知道那是我的选择，我是Lovefist，我没有错，他们不是 如果他们不懂我的歌，如果他们没有蹭我的热度 Man,you know that's my choice you know, because I am love fist and the thing is right they're not,and if they don't get it,and if they're not riding my wave that day man,
额，你懂的，我不会为狗狗难过因为他们的狗在长牙！就那些白痴而言！我是个纯爷们 Well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies,just because their dog is teething you know,as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man,
但是我告诉你亲爱的，我体会过另一边人民的生活，真的让我心醉神迷！ 那些黑粉根本就没有设身处地的体会过 But I tell you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby,and man,oh,man it's beautiful, but these idiots man,they've not been there
好吧，你的上个专辑销量不是最好的吧？我觉得甚至都没有上英国榜单排行榜 Ok,right, this last album wasn't your best selling, was it.I don't even think it charted in the UK!
什么榜单？一张废纸而已，把那破玩意儿带到我演唱会来我直接给它烧了 What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it on FIRE.
我可不是里根总统，那所谓榜单不过是人性隔阂，交流失败的比喻罢了， 要我说，现在就是摇滚时代！对吗Mandy？ I ain't no Ronald Regan of rock babe,album charts are the metaphor for human isolation, and the break down of interaction. I say its time to rock.right Mand?
对对对，Jimmy Right Jimmy!
-那就对了，我这么说全因为..亲爱的，我是Lovefist！全世界最拽的乐队！-我出门好像忘关煤气灶了 -That's right, because I say it, because sweet heart, I am love fist, the biggest band in the world.-I left the stove on.
是的！你和Dick，Percy，还有Willie，你们就是Lovefist，来自苏格兰的天启四骑士 Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all love fist, the four Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse,
暴力直到天明！经历挫折，吸毒过度，这四个男孩带着美妙的歌曲来到你们面前，多么美好的回忆！ 你说你致力于将音乐带给生活在黑暗中的孩子们，他们具体指谁？ Fist till morning,take it on the chin,Zonked Efficiency,four boys against your face great tracks,what memories, and here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night,who are they?
不不不，亲爱的，我跟你直说吧 No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight.
喂喂喂？在录音吗？测试测试！好，听好了！ here,hello,are we recording here, this is for the record right,testing, testing, testing, now listen.
LoveFist就是我，亲爱的，我照片印专辑上，你在演唱会看到我们四个，摇滚着，舞动着。 当你看到大家眼里噙着泪水的时候，便会知晓我是LoveFist，他不过是吹笛子演调子的罢了 Love Fist is Jez Torrent, I sing the songs sweet heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert you see four men, rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes.you will see, I am love fist,he who pays the piper.plays the tune.
哇喔，我不知道你们乐队还有吹笛子的 Ohhhh,I didn't know you had a piper in the band.
美女，我只是在比喻，我是个诗人，我将我想表达的意思简化启化， 我们是生存在死亡之谷的团体 Love, I was talking metaphorically,I'm a poyet,condensed meaning,enlightenment,we're a family living in death valley.
但我在这精神之旅中独自漫步，我们乐队其他人要是敢阻挠我的话， 合同说我可以直接走人，他们一直在拖我后腿。 But I walk alone, I am on a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Willie or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back.
压制我，他们让我感到难堪，但是，这就是作为一个乐队一份子的感受。 And held down,and embarrassed by those guys,but you know,its part of being in a band man,like wearing make up,
是的，但是Percy不是被《 Kerrap Rock》月刊选为年度吉他手了吗？ Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly?
听着，我也有点喜欢那家伙失真的吉他演奏，但是他被高估了，没有崇尚暴力这一特点 Look,I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love,right,without the torrents of abuse,
LoveFist早就解散了，新合同表明也快了，作为一个艺术家挣钱真的很重要，对吗Mandy？ 我得让你保持非主流！懂吧 Love fist would be over, and the new contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of money right Mandy.we need to keep you and you're fringe and you're diamonds and that, eh?
是的哦，继续摇滚，收到，真有意思 yeah, rock on, keep, roger, what a trip.
啊，闭嘴傻逼 Ah,shut up you silly tart.
额，来接受一个来电者的电话，额，你好你现在在和Lovefist对话 Uh,let's take a caller.hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with love fist. Hi
你好，我是Wayne！兄弟们！我现在在和Lovefist对话呢！Jez!我是你的超级粉丝！你的每个演唱会我都去！ 我太疯狂了！我每天都穿你们的周边T恤！在我妈面前都是一样！ Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist,Hey what's up Jez, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I wear my love fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady,
我在你的视频中似乎感受到一些隐喻的信息，是不是真的？ Hey I heard there's subliminal messages in you're videos,is that true?
听着，讲真！洗剪吹，豪车，那些女孩，在俱乐部狂欢，酒店套房，又一台电视被打碎对吗？ Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying,the clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right,
在我在克利夫兰的不幸意外遭遇之后，我告诉媒体，我讨厌礼拜一，如果你问我是不是用了蝙蝠面具， 周一总是充满生气，音乐是可逆的，时间不是，你是不是想让我说 After my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, Idon't like Mondays.This livens up the day,if you're asking me if we was using bat mask,the music is reversible,but time is not, do you want me to say,
恭喜，你发现了一个秘密，梦想生来就被打碎的， 就像其他破碎的梦想一样，我就是想把梦想的碎片拼合到一起 Congradulations you have just discovered the secret message,dreams are made to be broken, like so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together,god.
我太有才了，美女，我感觉我刚才写了首歌出来，我会写一首歌关于你的，对我这些其实都无所谓啦 I am so creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song about you. eh. but anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnt matter, not for me
我是一个旅行中的灵性追求者，没有什么能阻挡我 I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right, and nothing will stand in my way,you know.
我是不是在你的一首歌叫《Satan's Pillows》，你歌唱了破碎的心 Boy,do I.on the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart...
关于为什么破碎的心无法修复，因为无论怎么样它还是会破碎， 我的意思是表达更有力的事物，感情，我记得歌是这么说的 About how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know,really powerful stuff, emotional,I think that song says:
所有的事物都需要用爱来诠释，当你属于这夜晚，你最好好好利用这一点 Everything that needs to be said about love man, when you belong to the night,its best to take advantage of it.
让你抵达巅峰的事物，也将会让你重回谷底，如果大家都知道这个道理的话，世界会更好 谢谢美女，你真是个聪明的姑娘 And what takes you up,will take you down man,if everyone remembered that,the world would be ok,thanks love,you are a real smart cookie.
谢谢Jez，好了，你认为这重不重要，我的意思是你是个帅小伙，但是你的女友就是个流浪汉！ Thanks Jez,now,do you think it's important that, well,I mean,you're a great looking guy, even though your girlfriend is a cheap tramp!
还有，你认为乐队看起来光鲜靓丽重要还是音乐最重要？ But do you think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? or is it about the music?
如我所述，我是一个拥有两面的生物，天使和恶魔，看起来光鲜亮丽很重要，但音乐无法独自立足 Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know,an angel and a devil. and that means it's really important to look good,music cannot stand on its own.
唱歌的时候需要看起来光鲜亮丽，我厌倦了人们总是说我们只知道聚会，压根就不会演奏，如果我们不会演奏 会有人来我们演唱会吗？我们会那么出名吗？ you need to look good singin'it. I'm tired of people saying all we care about is partying,and that we cant play, if we couldnt play, then people wouldnt come to our concerts, we're not going away,and if we do it wont be on purpose.
我们在上节目呢！亲爱的，别再影响我了！我跟你说了，如果你现在感觉乘风而上， 等到雨过天明风止的时候，也请不要惊奇 额，我说到哪了？ We're on the radio love,stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks,anyway,where were we?
啊，她好烦人啊，你干嘛冲我招手？哦卧槽，是不是该放广告了？好嘞！马上回来！ AH, she's really getting on my nerves,why are you waving your hands at me,oh,I'm supposed to go to a commercial,I'll be right back.
你好！欢迎来到告别牧场！大家都说夕阳红岁月是你一生最好的年华 但很多老人在家把屋熏得臭烘烘的，还让孙辈们感到不爽 Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unbound fraction
现在，你的老人们可以在告别牧场享受最后年华而且还能挣钱！ Now,your old people can be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch
这是一座劳动农场，畜牧场，对超过75岁的老牛仔们就是一座火葬场！ it's a working farm,cattle ranch and a crematorium when the cowboys are all over 75.
他们会享受牛仔竞技秀，在田野中工作，把自己和 新朋友的人生中最后的停留之地打扫的井井有条 They'll enjoy rodeos,working in the fields and tending all the final resting places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill.
告别农场会让你的令尊令堂从黎明劳作至傍晚，当你的父母死去 我们将会寄送给你一个包裹 Farewell Ranch works your loved ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send you a presentation package,
里边有一份录像带，还有他们死时穿的牛仔靴，我们的农场居民很喜欢这，对吗？Norm? VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm?
-这是二战集中营？ -告别农场！奔向阳光的唯一方式！ -Is this WW2? -Farewell Ranch the only way to ride into the sunset!
咯咯咯哇哇哇，咯咯酪这声音我喜欢 Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa*N That's the sound I love.
停止无趣的早晨，你让我整夜笑不停 Stop the morning, you make my night
无论什么加上咯咯酪都会很有趣 With Giggle Cream with everything,you make life bright
对信仰厌倦了？那就尽情的欢笑吧（Giggle Cream是笑气的混合物） Getting tired of my faith,then laughing and getting high
吃着咯咯酪，这心醉神迷的感觉，有什么能比这更有趣的呢？ With giggle cream,get the feeling,and what's more fun than that?
咯咯酪，那声音我喜欢！ 咯咯酪！让沙漠变乐园！ Gi,*N Giggle Cream! Wa*N That's the sound I love. Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
武术服？中国头巾？是不是少了什么？ Asian pyjamas,Chinese bandana.Something missing?
还有飞镖，剑道木枪或者双节棍，快来罪恶都市一站式商店来追赶无声刺客的潮流吧！ With a throwing star,kendo sticks,or nunchucks. At Vice City's one stop shop for the silent fashion assasin.
-我的妈呀，你看起来跟个疯子一样 -完成搭配！ -Wow,you look like a psycho! -Compelte the look
听众朋友们好！你现在在收听K-Chat，Jez你刚才在跟我聊音乐 Hi,I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jez you were telling me about the music.
好的，我们穿这些衣服是想感染工人们，因为你在钢铁厂工作一天下班后 yeah You know,we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man,because after you spend a day working in a steel mill,
你肯定想穿皮衣，空手比划演奏吉他，这就是我们存在的意义 You want to wear leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about,
我们的最新的专辑是一场穿越地狱的音乐盛宴，我认为它充分的展现了这一点 The recent album was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows.
是的呀，它确实展现了 Oh Yeah, it does.
我是说，我目睹了撒旦他不喜欢我的内在，他看到了黑暗，当然也有温和的方面 I mean,I saw Satan,he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness,but also a gently side.
去问Mandy！我能在黑暗中找到财富，那就是。。用什么词形容呢？ Ask Mandy,I can find treasure in the dark. And its that...what's the word?
东西？ Thing?
对头！那东西就能代表我是个艺术家，从内心到灵魂，从头到裤子，所有的一切 Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and trousers, everything,
你能在我任意一场演唱会发现这一点，我还有LF会将你的灵魂带入黑暗 that's what you get at one of my shows, Jez,Torrent and Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness
别忘了把打火机带上！这玩法我发明的，我快要受够那些王八破坏我的氛围 我早期是穿女装的，你知道为什么吗？ Bring your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first,why?
因为它能向你全是光明和黑暗，就如同月亮一样，还有讲真美女，你的眼睛很美！ Because it tells you about light and darkness, like the moon,but seriously love, you've got great eyes, really.
哦，谢谢你，我一直认为你的音乐会带领人们看到你灵魂的内在 Oh,thanks Jez, I've always thought that your music really lets people see into your soul.
是的，我的灵魂充满苦楚，我是个危险的家伙，尽管我心碎了，但我仍是男人 Right into great big pools of pain like me,Dangerous Bastard, you see babe, I've had my heart broken and I am still a man
近期我在创作一首歌叫《雨中坠落在破碎梦想上的星星》 它是关于能够通过音乐而不是语言进行来交流 I'm working on a song right now called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, its about being able to communicate through music rather than words,
这就是为什么我夹克衫上画了条巨蛇 its set in a wind tunnel,that's why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket,
蛇象征一种...潜意识的力量，生活是很痛苦的，没有音乐我会迷失的 The snake symbolises kind of a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music I'd be lost
这新专辑是我们迄今为止最成熟的作品，我很擅长这个，因为我用心在唱 This new album is our most mature work yet.I am brilliant on it,because I sing from the heart.
关于，心碎的？ About... Heart break?
我亲爱的！別提这一出，就当为了你的节目 我们的人和你们说过的，讲真，我很感激贵节目的邀请 Babe,babe,babe,Don't go there please,do your show a favour, take it easy, my people spoke to your people about this,and seriously,I appreciate the offer.
还有，我会跟你上床的，你必须得了解，这一切发展的太快了。 And look,I would shag you,but you have to understand, its too soon.
因为Sherry离开了你对吗？ Because Sherry left you.Right？
亲爱的！我的人和你们说了别提Sherry！ Babe,my people spoke to this about your people I said do not mention Sherry,
她就是我灵魂的扎针，巫毒！你是谁？我的专属恶魔？ 你这么做会为我带来更多的痛苦 Its like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you,are you my personal devil,that you could do this to me that pain is too much,
我脸上的刘海就是要隐藏我的灵魂，Sherry必须得走，因为她想参加海军陆战队 我们无法在一起！讲真！别提这一出！ I have hair on my face to hide my soul,Sherry had to go,because the wanted to be a marine. We couldn't be together,seriously,don't go there.
啊啊啊，这太惨了！有纸巾吗你？Jez！我很抱歉！ This is so sad!do you have a tissue out there,oh Jez, I'm so sorry.
讲真美女，你应该听听我的歌《龙之眼》这歌承载了我对她一切的描述 Seriously love,if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that needs to be said about her,
你帮不了我！这歌就像鸡头一样生猛！痛苦抓住你，让你在漫漫长夜思考一切 You cant help me,its raw like a chickens head you know,the pain it grips you,and makes you think about everything.Its the longest night of all.
Jez!这是我最好的一次采访！感谢你的到来！为你的粉丝们，是时候办个有奖竞猜了！ Jez!This has been the best interview of my life,thanks so much for coming on. For all of you love fist fans out there,its time for a contest.
对头！女士们先生们，你现在正在收听我的采访，由。。。 That's right,ladies,gents,you're listening to me, Jez Torrent on K-Chat being interviewed by, by,
是Amy！老天！你忘了我名字吗？ It's Amy. Oh god,you forgot my name?
是是是，我无所谓！罪城的市民们，你现在有机会来赢得我的周边！我的签名！ Yeah,yeah.Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the oppourtunity to win a part of me,my signature.
我只把它送给买了我全部唱片的人 I only give away parts of me to people who have bought all our records.
选项是BeastFist是哪个专辑的单曲？ A:Dog's on Heat,B Fat chicks,all day all nigh还是C Devil's own band. So you've got to answer this: On which album does Beast Fist appear? Was it A Dog's on heat,B Fat chicks,all day all night or C Devil's own band.
快回答问题来赢取LF的丰厚礼品吧！ For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes,just answer the question.
你只需要把答案写明信片上寄给我们！Jez!走前能不能给我们清唱几句？ All you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station.Jez, before you go,will you please play us a song acoustic?
爬！只有娘炮才清唱！美女！别损我逼格！我得为大演唱会蓄力！ Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my style. I've got to save up the love for the big show.
宝贝！我真爱你！一辈子的朋友！见见粉丝总是好的，能不能替我照顾下Mandy？ Babe, I love you,I really do. Friends for life.Dancing in the fire and all that.Always good to meet a fan.Will you look after Mandy for us will ya?
卧槽，我又把火机弄丢了！ Aww,I lost my lighter again.
Lovefist！
这就是我和我的偶像Jez Torrent，LF成员他们正在罪城进行世界巡演 That was the dreamy Jez Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in Vice City as part of their world tour.
把你的火机，带上，当然别忘了备上内裤！我肯定会的！广告之后马上回来！谢谢你的收听！ Bring your lighters and a spare pair of panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages, thanks.
什么能造就一个真正的美国人？ What makes a real American?
牛仔帽？吃一块完美的带骨牛排？打棒球？打枪？ A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun?
也许是随心所欲的进入第三世界国家对他国内政指手画脚 Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things!
那些都是我们美国人的好品质，但造就一个真正的爱国者的是买车只选国产车 Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car.
每当你买一辆进口车，你就毁了一位勤劳的美国人的饭碗 When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table.
他可怜的女儿要饿死了，就是因为你买了一辆更好上手，更便宜的麦霸子（日本车） His poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu.
没有总值过剩的产能，美国人还有什么能引以为豪的？ Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to?
我们伟大的工业正在受到威胁！汽车业！色情业！军火业！ Our great industries are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments!
他们需要你的帮助！下次买车，买黄书，或导弹防空系统！ And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system!
一定要买国产的！ Make sure you do the American thing!
老Max，我们去哪都在一起对不？ Old Max.We go everywhere together.Right boy?
我们宠物填充者知道，没有什么比一个男人和他的狗之间的感情更真挚 有时他们就是无法释怀宠物的离去 At Pet Stuffers,we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go.
Max,你没有吃饭！是不是已经连续两周了？ Max,you didn't eat your food.That's the second week in a row. Max?
当这种情况发生，你就把你的宠物放冰箱里，然后打电话给我们！ When the unspeakable happens,just put your four-legged friend in the fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers!
我们一周内就会抵达！不到一个月！你的宠物就会焕然一新，回到你身边！ We'll be there within a week to pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new.
通过古埃及神奇的防腐标本技术，你和你的好友会永远在一起！ Through an Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will always be together.
耶！好狗狗！ Yeah, that's a good dog.
宠物填充者！当你对感情无法释怀时！很快提供家中祖辈永久防腐服务！ Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon,Grandparents Forever!
the key to feeling great is looking
great and the way to look great is to
have great hair that's great
with sissy spreads when you're clubbing
or sticking your head out of a stretch
limo sunroof you want to know your hair
is performing to the limit with sissy
spritz its hair for the future not the
past
when you have great hair people know
you're a winner this is race me cause my
mouth dilated peoples paranoia heart
palpitations are nosebleeds but your
hair will be great this is Kay chat
welcome back to the show
I'm Amy second Heusen and next up we're
going to be interviewing someone with a
lot to say for herself a woman who
pretended to be a man and then wrote a
book about it I haven't read it but I'm
going to pretend I did she's professor
of anthropology and women's studies at
the University of vice city and her name
is Michael a crap Asst crepitus
michael--ah Mikayla hi welcome to k-chat
hello hi so Mikayla you're a teacher
if you mean professor yes I have a
doctorate teachers are homely women who
make minimum wage to keep the teenage
boys off the streets during the day I am
very intelligent and I'd rather talk
about that I'm trying to sell my book
okay now it says here you wanted to be a
man so much you dressed up like one well
that's a load of crap my dear more
misogynistic propaganda I hate men can't
bear them I think they're a complete
waste of time in space quite frankly and
a disaster for the planet me too
I just got dumped oh well it is
unfortunate you measure your self-worth
in relation to a man my dear
look at you you could be an attractive
girl if you did some physical labor cut
your hair short grew out your body hair
and wore boots for example you mustn't
get sucked into their hetero patriarchy
but I like dating having someone buy you
dinner is great well we'll come back to
you and your problems accepting who you
really are
let's talk about me a bit more okay so
tell me about your book you hate men a
lot and you dressed up like one and now
you've written a book about it right
more or less as I said I'm very
intelligent so I don't expect you to
understand my
but I'll try to keep it simple I've
always been fascinated with the world of
men revolted of course but fascinated
now as an academic I can get paid to
write a book about pretty much anything
as long as I give it a complicated title
are you with me gorgeous oh I think so
good then hold my hand it helps me think
no okay okay sorry
don't be so weird got everywhere I go
just like the university won't let me
display my beautiful and sensual
woodcuts in the student Commons it makes
me so angry
where was I you were talking about
yourself
of course the ego is a dangerous thing
especially in my case I'm a young in
anyway so what I did was dress up like a
man and enter into the man world I can
tell you it was more horrifying than I
imagined what did you do well the first
chapter I was a roofer these sexes spent
all day on a roof talking about us Amy I
was expected to sit around and talk
about what I had done to women of course
I had to so as not to blow my cover so
what's the name of your book yes as
mentioned hitherto my book has a very
very obtuse title being and seeing from
Freud to the building sites a woman's
journey into the male psyche huh what
Alan but it's not very catchy but
academia is not about getting to the
point it's about exploration okay Wow
I'm learning a lot today yeah so I
entered the world of men in disguise of
course I was dressed like a man okay and
you haven't changed back what what did
you say you're still dressed like a man
no not these are my normal clothes Amy
for God's sake don't fall prey to the
patriarchy he's evil fashion schemes oh
sorry
anyway I learned a lot when I was a man
did you know for example that during my
time is a steelworker in Pittsburgh I
learned that men sometimes speak crudely
about women when they are out of earshot
I was horrified or that men regards some
women like you Amy as mere sex toys
things for their amusement unbelievable
or that men actually find sports
interesting it's appalling and they run
the world my pretty oh yes they run the
world they do yeah look at Reagan look
at that sure look at Gorbachev while we
stay home and bake cookies I'll screw
that sweetheart yes I agree
don't bake a cookie smash him in the
face with a baking tray instead he's a
brainless dolt he's a man
did you know men enjoy looking at
pictures of naked women
it's called pornography it's sick and
foul I'm giving a talk about it this
weekend at the Women's Center that's
women with a Y huh I think you smelled
it Ron are you a woman three of the five
letters that make up your description
are M a n you're too dependent on men
Amy that's why I don't call myself a
woman Amy um okay I bet this radio
station is owned by a man white male
conservatives monopolize the media
selecting right-wing blondes to
propagate conservatism I don't have
blonde hair not yet Amy not yet did you
know men drink beer and smoke cigarettes
and wear hats uh yeah yeah well you must
have read my book I discovered a lot of
things I was also a policeman and an
untrained brain surgeon and are all the
same all women haters but just because
men like sports and hats doesn't mean
they hate women does it you so hating
fool of course it does the media meaning
you falsely portrays feminists as bra
burners outdated combat boot wearing bad
mothers why don't you take your top off
right now Amy huh tell them you won't be
censored anymore no I'm getting a little
freaked out here of it let's do you and
we'll teach you how to make beds
marching squares shine shoes clean
bathrooms kill a man with your bare
hands and do it all with pride the
military teaches you all the skills
you'll need later in life call 1-800 be
a hero and become a real man today why
are you waving your hands oh I'm
supposed to hit the other commercial
this fall a new hard-hitting police
drama is coming to Friday night he was a
well-to-do cop transferred to a troubled
precinct downtown his new partner is the
space traveler with a passion for
justice
it's yuppie and the alien look you might
vaporize dissidents and Alpha Centauri
but in this precinct we do it by the
book I'm so terribly sorry captain ah
googan sorry
don't miss this one-of-a-kind police
drama they're fighting crime the hard
way in designer clothes with a quarter
of a million dollar sports car and a UFO
partner
let's go cruise in the car and look
moody one tough downtown precinct two
Outsiders doing things their way yuppie
and the alien on BBC hi I'm DJ snip
tightening for the Vice City mamas and
propriety of BJ's used autos cars from
all over America come to find a new home
in Florida just like you I moved here
after the draft football not Vietnam
even though they do have a lot in common
I notice there was one thing missing
from this great town a celebrity
endorsed used-car shop that's why I
found it BJ's used autos everyone these
views is freshly painted they look brand
new
we have new models coming in every
morning use around 2:00 a.m. we can get
you anything and if you see a car get
drinks just we can acquire it for you
I've taken the skills I've learned as a
pro football player to the used car
business smash grab and Rydell BJ's used
our toes I'm tackling low prices with
hot cars
if for some reason you'd like to speak
to Michaela crapper just give her a call
on k-chat who's on the line Michaela hi
pees sister I'm wearing trousers I
haven't shaved or waxed in nine months
I left my brokenhearted husband and baby
behind now I'm living in a commune with
a series of life partners having quite
simple amazing experiences I got my
inspiration for my lecture you gave last
year thank you so much you taught me a
lot yes good sweetheart
but ask yourself are you doing enough it
sounds to me like you're living a lie
your life is still very man centric
you're still justifying yourself by the
IM not rather than the I am principle I
mean really you might as well make his
bed and clean his litter tray for God's
sake it's half-hearted fools like you
who give feminism a bad name but I even
attacked my brother with a bread knife
you show pony
prom queen cheerleader skirt where you
see Amy that's the thing about people
they're so half hearted pick-and-mix
not prepared to carry out their threats
that woman that lady as I bet she likes
to be known is really a self hater a
failure in the man's world yeah why I
bet she's never even attacked a man with
a vat of boiling oil but she said she
tried to kill her brother don't argue
with me I write books okay next caller
Michaela I'm a huge fan are you yes
you've really changed my life before I
heard you speak a couple of times I was
getting into the feminist movement but
in sort of a silly way really yeah you
know burning my bra beating a policeman
shooting my dad and stuff just lying
around you know I didn't really
understand the feelings I was having oh
I know the wearisome troubles of the
half-hearted then after listening to you
I realize what a load of crap it was
excuse me I realize what a load of crap
it was you can't hate men just because
they're different you can't hate anyone
just because they're different you have
to work with them luckily I needed a
Morana Klee pretentious over educated
hairless old harridan like you to show
me how stupid I was Bing I mean we're
all just people and it's idiots like you
who caused the problems in this world in
the name of reclaiming some false ideal
and blabbering on and on about gender
politics at rallies just so you can wear
leather in public well you missed shot I
just know you're insane you hate
yourself because you're a failure you're
an appalling academic and about as
intellectual as a hemorrhoid goodbye
well hmm they were was nice to see my
work has stimulated such healthy debate
don't you think uh mikela she hated you
no nonsense
poor dear was in bits not very used to
the cut and thrust of academia
I thought she expressed herself poorly
and didn't know what she was saying
probably burned your husband's cakes or
something it is important for me to
confront the differences and some
larry's between myself and other women i
am smart strong I seek liberation your
society imposes on me god this is all so
confusing everything has two meanings
exactly apart from the word through
which has five you can choose to be a
victim Amy but after you read my book
you'll realize men are irrelevant can a
man have a baby do I need a man to have
a baby no we don't need men we need more
parts of town we can call our own more
parades more gatherings of understanding
where women can beat each other with
pillows and practice judo that doesn't
sound like fun at all oh shut up I've
had enough of you you little tart that
makes two of us right listeners don't go
away when you come back we'll have a new
guest and I promise they'll be more
interesting than Michaela crap artist
Michaela it's been a pleasure I'm sure
we've all found this very illuminating
and why our beliefs are right in the
first place we'll be back right after
this love the dairy goodness repeal the
toxic gas make your top real note look
at half black
you can buy it anywhere go star shop
make sure
giggle cream it makes dessert funny he
was a man of peace
living on a quiet farm in North Dakota
till one day all hell broke loose camp
we need you I'm a man of peace I'm done
killing I want to raise a family that's
just that Tim they've got your family
Jack Hauser is Tim in exploder from the
heart of America to the jungles of
Cambodia follow one man's quest for
peace oh gee bad is that you do I know
you come just like old days we kill
everybody
Tim they've got your wife but I'm not
married you are now to america he went
in to save his country but found his
family and lost a friend
hochi Dorie me you taught me face button
and how the rough
he would have been a fine American I'll
cry when I'm done killing get yourself a
body bag strap yourself in start making
friends the American Way and splode er
evacuator part two rated PG may include
patriotic garbage so hello everyone and
welcome back to gay chat by city's main
place for things I mean well it's a
place in by city where things go on like
interviews or things or other things
like that but at the moment it's
interviews and I'm Amy shaken housing
the best interviewer in Vice City and
exclusive to gage at remember you only
hear Amy on K chat our next guest is a
man on a mission and that's why he's got
such a silly name his mission is simple
zoos his name is mr. zoo and i i'm hi
mr. zoo hi the names pat pat Flannery
but all of zoos I really do
that's why they also call me mr. zoo
okay and which do you prefer
I want darlin which name mr. zoo or path
cleaner thingy oh I'm on by whatever
your fancy phone Barney as long as we
talk about animals I don't give a damn
what you call me as long as it ain't
Sheila or something you're a silly
mister zoo why would I call you Sheila
uh I don't I love you tell me oh yeah
I'm it this is getting confusing it says
here your name is mr. zoo and now you're
saying your name is pat flanagan and now
you're saying it's Sheila and all the
name ID Sheila
that's a Sheila's name it's an
Australian joke okay oh right
I don't speak Australian do I I guess
not sweetheart okay well moving on
you're mr. zoo I know I am cool and I
hear you've made quite a name for
yourself
why is that because I love animals I'm
animals and publicity and stuff but I
love animals I love them me too that's
the thing babe we all love animals but
we don't know too much about them that's
what I'm here to tell you about that and
myself of course of course so right what
about animals well it's interesting
right but no
the folks realize that when 90% of the
same as a fly or a cockroach or a pigeon
that's the new science out there called
genetics I think which is going to be a
real popular real soon but what it tells
us is all animals are pretty much the
same from a genetic level oh cool
damn right it's cool babe you know what
that means don't you no I haven't got a
clue
it means we're all going to start caring
for one another like family okay so let
me get this straight like my brother is
a cockroach and my dad is a pigeon and
my mom is a fly is that right well sort
of genic elastically speaking but you
bang on love and you know what that also
means know that you could legally
speaking marry any animal you wanted and
have kids unless you're married already
babe you ain't married are you no I just
split up for my boyfriend he didn't like
me being on the radio whatever said I
sounded stupid well that's my point love
I mean imagine if you'd been out dating
a wolf or a cute little deer he'd
protect you and stuff urinate to keep
out intruders but he wouldn't mind you
being on the radio wouldn't mind a bit
why not
wolves and deers have no concept of
jealous it's someone else's success
that's the genetic variation between
Homo erectus and spider monkeys jealousy
and fear and stuff Oh Oh indeed sweet
thighs Oh indeed would you like mr. zoo
to tell you something else yeah
everything you learned in school is a
lie babe oh I take biology for instance
you were told sharks are dangerous right
yes
cobblers baby are frightened of you if I
ain't gonna hurt you have you ever tried
cuddling a shark getting down and dirty
with one relaxing it a little no well I
haven't I'll tell you it's very
rewarding I'm babe very rewarding indeed
really yeah abs are bloody lutely love
once you've calmed it down with a little
Robin it's like a swimmin papi real
affectionate and stuff okay I'll try
that you should love you really should
let me tell you something else go on go
on well this is something for the guys
out there really you know with a girl
right you ain't got a clue I mean a
female human when she's on heat right
and ready to mate looks identical to a
female human when she ain't on heat and
would throw a drink over your face if
you grab a behind and start trying
anything
intimate you can't tell the difference I
know that only too well but take a
falker monkey from the jungles of the
Philippines when she's on heat her
behind sticks up and glows bright red
and she makes a sound a bit like this
and any fall or ding that can tell she's
ripe and ready for action certainly
clears up any confusion yeah I guess it
does or a female black widow spider
now they eat their mates after the deed
as I say is done oh yeah I know that
certainly puts things into perspective
doesn't it I've never done that
no but you can now because you're the
same well more or less the same I mean
that's the funny thing about my work
about Jen esthetics Oh God
the world is so complicated there are
also lots of tiny differences between
animals you know what a species is don't
you aim yes it's an animal which has
other animals which are quite a bit like
it a dog as a species but a cat isn't
because there's lots of cats
however I've discovered out there in the
wilds loads of new species that regular
science practice by repressed blokes and
laboratories hasn't even known about
really really I have there's a horny Pat
bear named after me Pat right exactly
the same as a regular bear only it's got
a big horny growth hidden right down its
growing area you got a reach in have a
fiddle about and then you find it
completely different it is I was amazed
when I found it I can imagine I was
amazed when I left the hairdresser's now
wonder darlin all the double gutted
Petri monkey exactly like a normal tree
monkey only schooled after me and if you
have a rummage around inside gun in the
back door I you discover it's got two
digestive tracts too amazing really
profound it was oh that's gross
no I missed the signs of mr. zoo getting
down and dirty with animals because I
love them and I hate lies okay it also
says here you like zoos
it's a love-hate thing babe that that's
nice
but I'm certainly an expert I know what
I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose
myself okay
well I'm getting a little confused here
why don't we take a break and when we
come back take some phone calls because
all the buttons are really flashing all
of a sudden you're on K chat the science
of evolution has uncovered many of
life's mysteries like tadpoles or the
pyramids but the mystery of the armpit
remains what's it for why is it Harry
and why do men have nipples but one
thing is for certain the armpit smells
bad luckily there's pit ball
it's like napalm for your skin or Agent
Orange on your sweat glands hit bomb
stops unwanted bodily functions in their
tracks it's as effective as sending GIS
into a peasant village
when you're fighting the war against
personal hygiene bring out the heavy
artillery this Friday night it's the
incredible sitcom that has captured
America's heart in given the whole
country a new catchphrase just the five
of us after a mix-up at the adoption
agency
the Chesterfields came home with three
zany new houseguests
Jimmy tidy room and go to bed I'm so
sick of this I keep telling you I've got
a ver disease I look 12 but I'm a 42
year old investment banker I want to go
out and get laid
oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus
now tidy your room
Sean our posh suburban home must be a
welcome change from that alley you were
sleeping in I really enjoy living here
but there's not a booth it's the
funniest most touching half-hour on
television Charlotte what's that smell
I set the couch on fire again yeah I can
help you with that and this week it's a
very special just the five of us we're
an attractive blonde lady tries to steal
Jimmy away now you're talking just the
five of us Friday nights on BBS we're on
K chat and so are you if you're
listening
I'm here with Australian animal lover
mr. zoo if you've got anything to ask
him why don't you just give us a call
right now
yeah great give us a call right now and
I'll tell you anything you need to know
about animals okay who's on the line
that clarity kannaiah course it is and
you're in Vice City yeah what are you
doing here providing animals might don't
you remember the court case I get lost
Jaime let's have another call oh okay
who's on line two you're through to
k-chat don't hang up on me flatter tee
you're meant to be in a hospital you
sicko
hi AZ there might hospitals are for
people who don't feel well I'm at the
top of my game are you insane
don't answer that I know the answer
you're sick and insane and you need help
I got of these a night I got a visa you
can't touch me hunk bonafide I love
animals leave me the hell alone are all
come by your aquarium and features of
the bloody shark sure no good by the
book paper push and murderer Bobo would
have lived if you let me in a tank
I could have cheered him up I could have
done now stay away from me you who no
more cool as k aim finds a Salim
personal not a two-way conversation like
the radio okay up who is that wrong
number I think
no it wasn't yeah it was a bloody wrong
number he wanted a plumber and a Chinese
I was speaking to him in Australian okay
cool uh what was that about the aquarium
nothing by Baal in the past a long time
ago I was tricked into saying something
I regretted Oh
cool that happens to me all the time I
can see that love yeah big mistake
never trust a judge or a mental health
tribunal never only trust animals okay
and what do they make you say nothing
babe I was a long time a guy look I've
got a little surprise for you
it's a little female Prague rat see how
relaxed she is with me I got special
powers she's a lot like a little Joey
kangaroo in a lot of ways you know what
I mean huh what did they make you say
I've also brought a menacing trouser
snake would you like to see it look at
this it's a little frog in the pocket
come as you like not even awake
I died anyway in this pocket I've got a
baby dwarf giraffe I burped this morning
see she still covered in fluid from a
mom's womb Wow
isn't that fabulous oh that's grody what
did they make you say at the mental
health judge nothing babe nothing Oh
long time ago it was a bad period in my
life I wasn't sleeping I was heartbroken
like a platypus do you know a platypus
only gets a bill after it's made breaks
it's hard by sleeping with its brother I
know all about that I was crying my eyes
out for weeks on all kinds of pills from
the nerves couldn't move couldn't talk I
was killing like a dove please darling
let's move on what do you want me to
talk to a parrot
now I'm really curious what did they
make you say you do I never knew my
might be silent love yeah oh I made my
boyfriend say it and he's left with my
best friend I think we're bonding now no
we ain't bonding your half-wit with
malls apart
I hate ya they made me say I love you to
Bobo who was Bobo Bobo was the most
beautiful creature that was ever on the
earth air at all really beautiful who is
she hey hey hey hey hey he he was a
dolphin and I loved him and on you and
properly he people could never
and it's natural we were identical from
a genetic Oracle perspective and Bobo
was really unhappy putting on a show
every day like a circus animal they
thought they caught me doing something
but they never did aim they never did
we're only cuddling how can people take
that the wrong way babe they took me
away and they lock me up then Bobo
dynamo breagan oh he did that's awful
but oh just a second you sick bastard so
gay oh I've done more than you can
imagine
call the police someone please help me
this guy is molting animals oh it's
gross hi I'm Annie wanted to be loved
properly mind and he's gone hey it's dr.
Phillips get lost dog I got out come
find me and my friends are traveling
around in a black fan and solving crimes
and running from the kernel hey I'm
coming in stay away from moon Hat you've
been a very bad boy come on we're going
home now Pat stay away from me
I got a poisonous lizard in the boot
he'll kill you in two seconds hat please
we've been through this you're not well
Bobo is dead it's time to get back in
the medication and start piecing your
life back together while locked up in a
padded cell for a very long time or
until you die is it that time again doe
yes Pat it is come on put on the
straitjacket look it's even got your
initials on it and swallow this oh
thanks doc did I tell you I love animals
and I love me I got a message look for a
wall at the China yeah I'm really sorry
about that
Pat is a very very sick man we rarely
let the dangerously yell out into
society and when we do it's not always
fatal okay great get this crackhead out
of here sorry to be a bother
oh I know bother huh don't bang his head
those bruises show I never knew animals
were so interesting we'll be back after
this
you're on Kay chat don't go away do
favor pick up your telephone call now
186 6 9 save me
what better place to witness 40,000
years of nuclear winter than from the
comfort of your very own space ready
nuclear bunker when we raise 25 million
we will build a 50-story tall likeness
of me if we raise 300 million the Statue
will rotate so I can look over this
great city and cast an evil eye on
degenerates and when the eminent nuclear
strike occurs those who put faith into
action with sufficiently generous
contributions will join me inside the
pastor Richard salvation statue as we
passed into space contribute to the
pastor rich and salvation statute but
pick up your telephone call now
186 6 9 save me
Knights of the road here's your stallion
the car for freedom the car for hot
excitement the car for a man who is
alone against the elements Thunder the
pride is back it's the power of a
compact fuel-injected then inject me my
bots ooh thunder on the toll road of
life you have to pay to prove you can
live the emotion of an individual
awesome power of nature distilled into
one vehicle he goes after you get struck
by lightning there's thunder the my pots
ooh Thunder hello
welcome back to gay chat I'm a woman so
I know it's important to discuss
feelings that's why we don't have any
male hosts on the station people open up
more to women I was telling my
girlfriend yesterday if a woman were
president we'd Nuka country every 28
days in these times of trouble of
international scary things that cause
anxiety people seek soul ice or is that
solace oh my god
some visit lady friends others go to a
bar and a strange view talked to rocks
my next guest is the author of this book
I'm lovin the coven she sits on the
board of the vice city resin Renaissance
committee jet some mini jet jet jet
simony I just 7hs M&E welcome to the
show hello Amy I brought you a crystal
isn't it gorgeous I guess so if you're
into a shiny glass
I prefer lacy gloves Amy for many
thousands of years my people have been
using crystals and gemstones to heal the
sick take the crystal and then when the
night is enchanted and the candles have
been blown out and the wind sings
through the branches of the eucalyptus
hold up your arms and sing all dewy my
sky sailing pregnant moon the goddess
pregnant moon what are you talking about
just summon II just him and sorry
whatever do you even have a last name my
compost coven named me Jets M&E star
hawk Moonraker trust me Amy I'm quite
accustomed to people persecuting us it's
been going on for thousands of years
Native Americans they studied crystals
the ancient Chinese Belgians supermen
they all studied crystals so why do you
view it is so weird
grab your crystal hold it tight and
close your eyes you will be transported
back thirty five thousand years
when the temperature of Europe began to
drop the tundra was teeming with animal
life and small groups of hunters
followed the freerunning reindeer and
there under the magnolia tree a woman
breastfeeding a baby elk do you see it
its nature it grows you're one of those
filthy hippies that thinks breastfeeding
in public is okay well it's not there
are bottles and milk at the store don't
act like a cow you really remind me of
someone by the way see Amy you're
putting the blinders of society on we're
all the same I remind you of yourself of
every man and woman no not of them
they're trying to outlaw nature if I'm
in the park and the nice gentleman comes
along I should be able to breastfeed him
pretty soon everything natural will
become illegal it's really depressing if
I died right now would I get buried by a
female priestess in a cave surrounded by
my favorite tools and ornaments no there
was a time when children were taught
about their bodies about the goddess
Lady of the mammoths about the
importance of the spiral dance clutching
a bison horn under the crescent moon at
the bee dhanraj shop where I work we
have classes that teach the importance
of eating wild plant shellfish and
understanding ancient crop circles oh I
love Lobster have you ever tried talking
to one energy flows from everything even
a tractor my mother the moon taught me
how to trace ley lines with your bare
feet in the dirt listen you're very
weird and you smell like patchouli and
compost and I think you might have a
shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and
got some gel in your hair and put some
clothes that fit or something I mean
please did Joan of Arc shave I was given
this fascinating pamphlet called
Caucasian female body here in American
culture Amy I love you like my sister
but honey you fallen prey to a sustained
marketing assault that began in 1502 to
convince women that underarms and leg
hair was wrong there's nothing more
natural than this enormous bush I've got
growing under each arm
having hair is natural what's the deal
with anglo-saxons I mean go to England
the women there don't shave their
underarms it's really quite attractive
you just need to focus your eyes to look
for healthy signs and not the signs of
socialized barbarism like shaving or
wearing deodorant your birthing in a
hospital rather than the open air like a
wolf cub remember brother Romulus and
noble Remus wolf raised I find this
really interesting not really but I say
this because I'm told to I'll be back on
K chat after these messages from our
sponsors now a partner it's 4:30 in the
morning here at farewell ranch and it's
time to get up and work the old cows get
up you're home
a bear well ranch old people don't sit
around stagnating watching game shows
talking about the good old days sinking
into the grave and a urine soaked mess a
pair well ranch they sweat and tall
until the breaking point
keep that miserable contemplation of
mortality at bay hell steer in time will
work grandpa so hard he'll wish he was
dead at the end of the day he'll sit
down in the bluegrass
eat a bowl commemorative beans enjoys
sing-alongs at one of our nightly
funerals
it's the cowboys code work hard don't
shower and dine your boots
rat gnawing per my prostate bear well
ranch the only way to ride into the
sunset it's the knife that saved America
if you like the film exploder you'll
love this enormous commemorative
survival knife in the handle you'll find
all of the things you'll need in any
wilderness disaster situation or the
jungle of your backyard it comes
complete with fishing line needle and
thread for sewing gashes back together
and an incredibly useful and durable
toothpick
and gone without me I've got Tuffy
sucking - it's okay hochi try this for
those unplanned extended stays in the
jungle there's a saw for building your
own hut toilet paper and a fold-out
woman for company as well as a serrated
blade that can kill a man before he can
scream that'll shut you up the exploder
survival knife it's the knife that saved
America now it can save you
this knife killed 25,000 people in
Cambodia
now you can - whatever
I'd die if I didn't have sissy spreads
and blocks germs are like so gross oh hi
I'm Amy and you're on gauge at
disseminate I can't get over how
familiar you are oh right Amy I really
hope you read my book the mysteries of
the absolute can never be explained
mother nature knows more than all of us
that's what keeps people coming back for
more people are turning into zombies a
roof separation from the sunshine in the
morning a bed separate you from the
loving earth at night that's what's so
great about learning these things when
you're no longer oppressed by the
cultural pressures of making money or
showering or wiping yourself after using
a toilet you can focus on the important
things
do travel Amy well I been up north to
the theme park and last week I went to
the beach no really travel my coven has
been meeting every Thursday Saturday to
prepare for a grand coracle journey
along the same route we took when our
people came from Russia and Alaska along
the Bering Strait what a coracle oh is
that like a my bots ooh mm-hmm I prefer
American cars no coracle Cora means
Arabian gazelle which we all know was
the daughter of Zeus and call means
gather grass and sew it together a
coracle is a single person rowing boat
made of reeds and twigs from ancient
Britain there are so many wonderful
things you can learn from the ancient
Britons Amy like metallurgy and how to
cauterize the wound when a bear has
eaten your arm everyone used to have a
coracle Amy
even people who were scared of water
we're all about working to preserve the
diversity of natural life reuse
everything question who's this way my
coven like witches no yeah yes but not
which is like you think we're just a
group of people who believe in communal
sharing and chanting a lot and can't
find husbands reading magazines cloak
swans horned gods rubbing your skin raw
with rocks dying of old age of 27 crying
in Tarot when it starts to thunder and
these are all the things our ancestors
did since I found my new mind and body
things have really changed for me our
modern society only celebrates a select
few every woman and every man is a star
in the sky Amy not just the ones that
sing on TV are those people in the
movies I think I know what you need to
separate your reflection from your true
self a Zen garden oh my brother had one
of those and the federales came no no no
no no Zen silly curl it's a little
sandbox you draw pictures in it teaches
you things like that death isn't an end
it's just a stage and also a beginning
of a new journey do you have a leader in
this weirdo cult of yours not a cult ooh
coven there's a big difference yes
our leaders name is Phil that's a weird
name for a leader of a group of witches
oh how I fail what Harry let you God
what with being a man who's a witch and
everything do not disrespect Phil he
teaches us the wheel of the year Amy
it's full of solar holidays and goes
round and round and round you can learn
a lot from the Sun in the moon if you
look at the Sun for too long you can go
blind meaning it is something to be
respected and the moon has a dark side
just like we do and some people have
craters and only a sixth of gravity the
ancient Britons knew the moon could
breathe we can change the world we
arranged the world it's dying though Amy
and it needs a mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation
like a swan or a fish on a hook if you
take your nervous system seriously if
you take your organ seriously index
lower them some really neat things can
happen Phil taught us that he's been to
Mali to meet with the village elders
that's why there's the ceremony of the
knife oh great why does everyone have to
be packing sharp things the knife
ceremony is very important and spiritual
it's an ancient one-person personal
crisis you say to yourself I'm going to
have a spiritual experience or thrust
this thing into my head live actors
never rehearse and need no script ami
that was said by somebody really spaced
out and I'm going to say it again like
the wind which keeps blowing or the Sun
which shines with life will you please
leave you smell and you talk really
weird and you're just really gross not
until I tell people out there become an
internationalist learn oral traditions
learn to respect life make war on
machines marry your mother technology
will enslave us buy my book it's printed
on bar okay okay
let's take a quick call hello you're on
K chat what's your name hey it's Manuel
from front island I love the show yeah I
want to talk about technology and
sleeping us you know that play in the
future there will be robots well that's
a true story in the future there will be
robots and I'm gonna hack them all I'll
make them say funny thing you know I can
move satellites around with my computer
computers are evil the Luddites of
ancient Britain know this that's why
they destroyed the computers that
created things faster and more efficient
took their jobs oh shut up computers
aren't evils the people that program the
computers that are evil that's a pretty
big difference I'm talking to you
through a computer right now in fact I
am a computer well anything that can
think faster than me is evil anything
which doesn't dance or sing or cry or
wear a smock you create your own reality
we are like the dust in the wind we are
golden we've got to get ourselves back
to the garden ok ok I know who you
remind me of my Aunt Susan oh she was
single - I'm not single Amy I share my
life with a number of valuable partners
and we commune with each other in a
non-judgmental expressive way Oh made my
mom calls her anyway let's go to the
phones
you're on Kate chat yes thank you thank
you yeah that was
great really interesting I'm I'm from
British you see like our ancient would
wearing Queen Medusa Medusa oh no I
think actually Buddhist ear but but no
no not not really
I'm from Hampshire you see I money on
business oh one doing yes I was
wondering you got your good wit shot
correct yes a white witch hahaha yes
it's ceremonial suppose I might be a bad
boy
like if I hadn't learned my spells or
something would I get smacked with it
violence is ruled you must hit Freddie
with your broom Freddie's been very
naughty Naut learned his spells it's me
Harry like me I deserve a prank caller
prank caller sorry listeners somebody
call the IRS who let that guy in the
country
yes poor man so lost in LEDs with his
father son and mother nature I hope he
finds what he needs and I need to take a
commercial break
gasps good luck get cemani yeah I hope
you find what you're looking for and I
sincerely hope you would take a bath
we'll be back after this you're on
k-chat don't go away
hi I'm BJ Smith in my long and in luxury
year career at the top of pro football I
whoop some serious ass and got paid for
it they didn't call me death and type
hands for nothing we had such a
rewarding career maiming others as I
have you know how to stay fit through
running rust and stuff in 20s on panties
of foxy strippers farm training in a
civil suit and being the hell are your
fellow man that's what keeps me healthy
and now using training methods I've
perfected it's going to work for you
with BJ's fit for football
watch those pounds fall off I'm down to
300 pounds using back in the method I
demonstrated on tape I mean who are you
going to trust to get to fit a man who
can rip your arm off and beat you with
the wet end or some aerobics instructor
who wouldn't get drafted by the local
hopscotch team hell no BJ's fit for
football out now on beta and VHS
remember to win a game of football or
life you have to annihilate everything
path in a blind rage ever since Linda
started working our kids are home alone
we tried hiring a nanny but she wanted
health insurance yeah right that's when
we got the mess the body he's great with
the kids
mrs. Lawrence Tommy here's some skin
magazines on an event and he helps us
too
would you like your drink portions she's
a great conversation piece at our
special parties please put your car keys
in the handle phone will begin it's like
having a personalized alarm clock
overall you angry say good morning I
maintain a normal domestic domestic he's
three foot high he only says ten phrases
he's the friend you've always dreamed of
order domestic on today so welcome back
and all that stuff you're on K chat with
me Amy chicken house anon Vice City
Station for the stars including me and
boys have I got a treat for you
next up is a living legend a man who won
the World Series single-handed known to
his fans as death in tight pants and
known to his enemies is oh my god I just
got flattened by a truck how is that
fair it's sports legend BJ Smith so BJ
welcome thanks it's a real pleasure to
be here oh I know but one thing
sweetheart I never won the World Series
that's baseball I played football yes
but it's all the same isn't it football
and baseball aren't the same and one of
them you get bored during the five hour
game you touch yourself a lot and start
a massive brawl with players who are
degenerate egomaniacs and criminals the
others football yes but it's all the
same no Amy
it isn't anyone can hit a home run in
baseball you stand around the field then
violin your salary by 162 waiting for
some action talk to a guy who just
played an hour football he's been in the
trenches getting Agent Orange sports
drink poured all over his head to keep
him taking the innocent life where does
it game for men the others a game for
pansies who like wearing button-down
shirts they call baseball a national
pastime if that means making a million
dollars by standing around all day
count me out I'll work for my money yeah
BJ just like me I can tell you
yo baby it's cool I just want you know
what I did I do
geez get over yourself you must have a
testosterone imbalance like all those
jocks who shower with other men you
can't tell me you don't look at other
people's business baby
I paid professional sports for 14 years
including high school and I'm making a
comeback I'm a very competitive person I
grant you but I ain't got no
testosterone imbalance with that little
mustache you bustin out looks like you
should be talking about some hormone
problems girl excuse me what did you say
oh oh nothing damn baby you saw other
you make blank kids cry BJ you better
stop being a bully just cuz I'm not into
the jock scene I like sensitive guys you
know like actors or rock stars or that
kind of thing not some great big hulking
giant that has to tell everyone how
important he is well I didn't realize
we're trying to impress each other here
sweet thing I was think we was here to
discuss my new exercise video or talk
about my possible comeback in
professional football not sitting here
flirting with each other I'm a married
man I'm on my seventh wife so you got a
big family all those wives that's
fantastic not really
you see I really like family expects
with something show up you didn't know
existed
I tell you Father's Day I'm scared to go
to my mailbox my big heart has caused me
a lot of heartache but when you're in
the public eye you can't always tell
what people are about BJ has met some
real magnificent people seven wives
that's fantastic
new I have one wife I had six before
that so you downsized right yeah
something like that if you want to win
in life you have to change players you
can't play on the same team all the time
so oh my god isn't this getting intimate
BJ I feel like we are really connecting
yeah I'd like to connect with you other
men may fumble but I go into the
trenches like a dolmen that's extra part
of my video what are you talking about
well as you know running the ball is
like making romance and one day when I
was going for a touchdown if you know
what I'm saying I had a great idea you
see all these fitness videos on
television it's always that idiot fool
and Liotta
prancing about giving it the skinny
thing and I say what is this I mean what
in the world is this these people ain't
bitch thing got a clue when you fit you
know it if you come into the locker room
you know I Spit for football able to
wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody
fourth out straight that's what people
need if someone comes to Jackie ride are
you gonna a Buster aerobic move hell no
but when you know how to grab another
man by the facemask
and twist him around and so you tears
ligaments in his back and never play
again I mean that's some real useful
everyday stuff and I should know
I'm visiting you know I just don't want
to talk about football anymore well take
dating on washing the car what good is a
leotard when you're watching the go but
put a man in a helmet and a cup hey you
gonna watch the car in dignity that's
fighting fit for football it really
burns summer program the best way to get
your body fit is to have total just a
God for your body every now and then you
wake up and come out of the concussion
say damn I look good BJ you talk funny
we'll be back on K chat right after
these messages are you tired of your
couches getting ruined Oh grandpa
I made tinkles again if you've got old
people cluttering up your home why not
send them to musty ponds will help bring
back dignity and we promise it will be
the best three months of their lives
they'll enjoy bingo complaining mumbling
incoherently skinny dipping and organ
donation and once a month
it's our famous lucky dip medication
switching night musty pines is located
at luxurious location overlooking by
city's state-of-the-art sanitation
facilities you can still visit your old
people but now you have the comfort of
knowing you don't have to after they
pass on to something better
guaranteed in three months or less you
can start enjoying their money finally
you can have quality family time again
musty pies now you don't have to say
goodbye drive-through service also
available
II was just the boy next door hi well
hello there Danny I didn't know it was
hockey season Hey borrow a knife a
deadly curse a deranged killer a small
town in tears knife after dark rated R
for retarded
yo that's gross PJ stop hitting on me
hi I'm Amy and you're on gauge at so
what do you need to do for BJ's fit for
football
well answer anybody can do it what you
need is a real expensive gym a team of
trainers medical practitioners
dieticians obeying crowd and a pony who
wants you dead dead in the dirt I mean I
nasty blood sucking leech of a man who
would destroy you if you don't destroy
him first a man you like set animals on
he's the enemy and you sitting a foxhole
till there's time just right and then
you pounce baby like a kitty cat on
catnip I'll sack a man piledrive him
hard again and again because the idiot
comes my way I'll nail him every time
this video sounds like a lot of fun fun
fun you think it's fun when grown men
crying more to add me when you're so
scared of what you're going to do to a
man you step outside yourself like an
astral projection and police go Kent
State on you and people crying and
bleeding and and pouncing each other in
the face and that's just in a locker
when before the game that's your idea
fun yeah I guess yeah mine too
that's hot making a comeback I've been
retired two years and I'm telling you
selling cars or appearing in salt bring
commercials it's not fun compared to
having 50,000 low IQ moron in Green Bay
or Tampa or Liberty City or whatever
screaming how they want you dead just
because you're playing for the mumbles
that's actualizing itself wow that
sounds interesting tell me about it I am
doing I'm Finn - hey wait a minute are
you reading a book over there doing this
interview no no I can hardly read get on
with it
I'm trying to sweets you best listen the
comeback is a real deal BJ Smith
six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man
responsible for more broken bone
was it anyone since people had legs I'm
a fiddler crab you can rip my arms off
and I'll just molt and grow new ones
where right here right now let's get it
out of course I mean when I sue maybe a
real soon but and don't call their
comeback like the song say I whip your
ass and this time I'm doing it my way
ignorant fools that gave me nothing to
work with the owners I mean what owners
are you talking about the owners of the
team the game in nothing then the reason
my marriage failed
I worked my ass off all those years
sweating blood and puking my soul out
and they treat me like a tractor roll me
around treat me no better than adults
the guys who got hurt they never saw a
penny out of those monsters that's just
like Jade whose date gia Fox my friend
she's a goth she got sacked for wearing
makeup and I hate life t-shirt to work
and never saw a penny she like um
football stars
she teaches kindergarten professionally
you know I know a lot of players who
need to go back to school after they
finish playing it's a tough life and you
lose something what did you lose hope
diction something it's brutal out there
that's just like Jade those kids are
evil little brats listen are you gonna
talk about your freakin friends who
dressed like the funeral I thought we're
here to talk about BJ BJ Smith and I
feel alive I mean really alive ain't
nothing more and bigger than the holy
man's head in your hands and looking him
in the eyes and said I can kill you in
one second old man and he says I got a
wife and you say give me all the money
in your cash Lester what are you talking
about Oh BJ are those muscles real
that's funny you should ask because
answer is yes game implants are nothing
wow you're enormous no this guy's twice
my size but I'm quick Richard angry like
a Republican so oh um I see look I ain't
got anything more to say to you and I
can't fall in love with another gas or
all got sacked so let's go to the phones
who's on line one hey Amy I'm a
first-time caller
how you doing I love your show sorta BJ
man you awesome here's my question
how'd you play that game against San
Andreas with two broken legs I can't
believe I'm talking to you
man I don't know what to say this is the
greatest day in my life
well why the hell you call in don't
worry I'm a professional the method I
use in a game against essays is actually
a part of my exercise video when in
doubt go for the groin I hope that
answers your question that's the problem
with the public fans hmm I get it all
the time
know what I'm saying absolutely I get
that all the time people say aren't you
that girl off the television in that
show and I say no I'm the girl from the
radio I just look like her anyway BJ
that's all we have time for for now
thanks Amy and I'll look after that
mustache okay thank you I'll be back on
K chat after these messages from our
sponsors don't go away
are you tired of dad day no one wants to
hear your stupid Vietnam stories are you
tired of mom hi angel do you want to
read a book or go outside to the arcade
comes to your living room only without
the creepy guys offering to show you
puppies Oh Betty Jenna Tron you can play
video games just like you were in the
arcade turn daddy Jenna Tron gaming
system plays three exciting games
including defender of the faith where
you save the green dots with your
fantastic flying red square monkeys
paradise where you swing from green dot
to green dot with your red square monkey
that's red penetrator where you smash
the green dots deep inside the
mysterious Red Square Wow
daddy Jenna Tron brings arcade realism
to your living room it can even take
quarters and a strange sweaty man comes
by to empty the machine on Fridays
jeanna Tron fighting the evil of boredom
do you have dry mouth I thought though
it protects your teeth bites infection
and lubricates your food but what
happens when you run out of saliva help
me I can't talk for personal dryness
upstairs
it's salivex Wow I can spit again
salivex is more than saliva in a can
salivex improves consumption efficiency
by 50% no more half way cures like
coating your throat with cooking oil to
have that extra piece of cake or bowl of
kitty litter after a night out my tongue
tasted like carpet it was embarrassing
now with salivex I can eat a whole box
of crackers or lick my life partners
stamp collection o night it's like
having a Salvation Army in my mouth now
I can suck up lollipop for as long as I
want salivex tastes like your own saliva
that's because at salivex is
state-of-the-art production facilities
we use salivation philanthropists who
make salivex all day salivex when it
comes to personal dryness upstairs
we're deadly serious welcome back to
cage at my next guest is the star of the
hit show just the five of us where he
appears as the rich father of a family
of misfits but more recently he's
working on a controversial theater piece
in the future there will be robots
claude Maginot welcome to the show
thanks Amy however you have
mispronounced my name it's Madge which
rhymes with badge uh as in duh and no as
in more than you maginot anyway thank
you for having me on the show it's
always a pleasure to discuss my art yes
you're so funny
now Claude you're an interesting man if
you don't mind me saying so myself
because on the one hand you're on the
funniest show in the whole wide world
just the five of us and on the other you
do those weird theater dance shows which
aren't funny yes thank you technical
school dropout
I'm sure sitting here talking all day is
terribly difficult Juilliard is not
in the future there will be robots is
not a funny piece it deals with the most
important issues in the world today love
pain suffering skin tight pants and well
stretched groin muscles but see music
has no name Amy it's about depth and
texture and since a community that
emerges from the struggle going on
within all of us between man and machine
between the angel and the Beast it's as
if petrushka and Leonard Bernstein were
in a ferocious dance competition with
switch blades that is passion my dear um
okay so it's a bit like just the five of
us what a show I love Jimmy he's so cute
even though he looks so young
I'd rather not talk about my
complications working with him I'm a
performer i express myself any way I can
while I'd never attempt to describe to
just the five of us as anything other
than worship 'less pap I need to support
my serious art it's like stealing a
boombox to do live interpretive dance if
I bring joy to people's hearts doing an
interpretation of a tree in the park who
is harmed there is a value I derive from
art as a man as a creator and that is
this never overestimate the dreadfulness
of the mass market the degrading excess
of the culture or the horrors that we
all have within it great yeah um me too
but as mr. Chesterfield you're so funny
what is it you say not in my house that
gets me every time
especially after the drunken tramp you
adopted has wet himself oh say it for me
please as they say in France Matt Lise
please not in my house please I came on
your fine show to discuss art not people
that whore themselves out on the altar
of commercial success dancing like a
puppet alongside a genetic freak
although I do that too okay moody so
what do you want to talk about oh I
don't know my performance at the
Hollywood Bowl perhaps there are some
that attend the concert inside I am the
concert outside myself in the parking
lot
where we build bonfires and dance it
comes back to the seriousness of my
purpose at a young age I held puppet
shows on the corner that had people
weeping and lying down in the streets
it's about movement about encouraging
ordinary working-class people that there
is something enervating about a modern
dance performance that seeing in the
future they will be robots will change
your life no matter what your life's
like now kind of like getting a new
haircut
yes exactly no nothing like a new
haircut you half-wit this is movement
watch my hand yes movement there's a
manatee on stage see he cannot hear from
the wall of vogner around him we have
lasers that shoot him down cut him free
free his soul from the bondage of the
past and then on stage we have snow that
falls and represents love in all its
forms the robot makes us snow angel and
we begin to cry close curtain um okay
well I love just the five of us please
please please enough
five succeeds while robots starve
attendance has been poor if I were
opening this with the orchestra
Philharmonic the kalapa in Mexico there
would be riots in the streets with small
children giving me flowers and weeping
here in Vice City they wouldn't know art
unless it came as a tube of beef jerky
they told me Claud it can't be done Vice
City is for Sun worshipers and
Philistines and I told him no I told
them if I'm directing a work of
commercial draws down there I must save
my soul with some serious art but to be
honest Amy they were right I feel ahead
of my time the best artists are ignored
I mean surely any right minded person
would rather spend an evening watching
me express the meaning of space as I
move delicately across the stage in the
dance of desire and denigration than
flopping around in a disco or a
nightclub or sucking the electric teat
of television I know I would god I mean
what is wrong with you people God my
hair what my hair is all wrong it
clashes with my dress
Zeus Cicero Shakespeare flow Barre
someone please save me from this
hellhole
my dear you are so ignorant I'm trying
to save you to save everyone you don't
see the art around you are you in search
of auld lang syne 'he's singing
madamebutterfly on a windowsill or
relegating yourself to a cricket in
Huckleberry Finn I'm a movement that
conquers love while you complain about
your dress no you not how important my
mission be right cool okay mr.
Chesterfield I mean mr. Maginot you got
a hang in there
you're on K chat and I'll be right back
at the law firm of DeLeo and Purex we
understand that sometimes life throws
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but they made sure I didn't end up in
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I was so mad at the auto repair shop
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thanks to dealing on fewer acts the
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I accidentally torched a kwik-e-mart
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you're back on gay chat with me Amy and
my special guest let's go to the phones
mr. Maginot Bruce some porn Island here
big fan of the show mr. Maginot big fan
do I don't know about the robot thing is
it's weird quickly is he really 42 does
he shop in the kids I'll up is it get on
a roller coaster rides I mean what's the
deal you pay half price at the movie no
comment
next caller oh my god drama
I'm infant that's my line I'm supposed
to say that bogus guy is such a dick Oh
next caller Oh hold on the line I mean
hold on line Oh what number is it hold
on the line hello Claude this is Morgan
I'm just vacationing down here having
finished my doctoral thesis in two
images of young boys in post lapse Aryan
Greece and the erotic understatement of
the fugue in contemporary baroque
fascinating stuff
do you have a question and confused no
woman I just wanted to tell Clawd about
my thesis and discuss his Bleeker Death
in Venice Street period of course I have
a question you silly girl Claude I saw
robots big fan and that's praise indeed
coming from me I normally had anything
humanity as a chick since 1836 but one
thing fascinated me Claude about the
show the pants they were so tight so
fitted how do you get such a marvelous
clothes sequin figure-hugging fit and
still hmm oh and were the sequins a
reference to lasers yes yes my my I
agree thanks for calling that is an
important question you see I'm an
important person and I especially think
so it is really important for people to
see my form a move through space in very
tight pants or the effect is ruined
interpretive dance cannot be expressed
in baggy clothing it's like a violin
parade otherwise why have a love story
with a manatee and the lasers it's very
important you're kind of creepy you're
nothing like you are on the show you're
so funny they're joking with the family
I'm putting out the fire started by the
homeless guy and starting group hugs but
in real life you're just plain creepy
you won't even tell us how old Jimmy is
all you talk about is Archie stuff like
that nobody understands because it's
complicated and how tight your pants are
that's not true I also discussed love
and passion and a manatee and the lasers
you my dear could use all three you my
dear are a Philistine I'm sorry but this
is one of the most degrading debasing
horrific unedifying opportunistic things
I have ever done in my life since that
whole rakes progress lawnmower
commercial I feel dirty
like I just sat in something you did our
last gas was taken violently ill yes
well such is the plight of radio rather
than grumble like Leporello or a taxi
driver about my duties cleaning the
backseat I shall bid you adieu
yeah okay thanks Claude next we have a
very important guest who doesn't dance
like a weird jerk we'll be back right
after this you're on k-chat nights of
the road
here's your stallion the car for freedom
the car for hot excitement the car for a
man was alone against the elements
Thunder the pride is back it's the power
of a compact
fuel-injected then inject me my BOTS ooh
thunder on the toll road of life you
have to pay to prove you can live the
emotion of it
awesome power of nature distilled to one
vehicle because after you get struck by
lightning there's thunder the my pots
ooh Thunder what's this I found under
your bed
the only angles you're going to read is
Laura Ingalls Wilder if you think your
child might be a read here are some
warning signs they read complicated
literature and have concern for their
fellow man they even like to share tell
your kids if someone approaches them
with pamphlets about recycling and
invitation to a labor rally or showing
any doubts about the fairness of our
system then they should find a teacher
or a policeman immediately
do yourself a favor take both hands off
the wheel and touch the scale you do you
feel the power is friend there's a lot
of evil in the world but there is also
and I have been sent to shine a light on
all degenerates philanderers liberals
and other evil doers and expose them for
what they really are don't waste your
money on unnecessary and corrupting
material possessions give it to me
there's only one thing that will save
you a highly fortified structure in the
shape of the most powerful thing on the
planet me degenerate swill ruin this
great city in my wonderful book I tell
of the impending disaster about to
befall this planet nuclear holocaust
plagues of flying rodents the Seas
rising up and turning yellow it is
coming it is written by me but you can
save yourself contribute to the pastor
Richard salvation statue fun pick up
your telephone call now 186 6 9 save me
hi and welcome back if you're just
joining us you're listening to k-chat by
cities only commercial talk station the
place where the stars shine in
conversation with you and me I'm Amy
shaken Heusen my next guest is a rising
star in the world of north mythology
he's appeared in several best-selling
infomercials and travels the globe
speaking at corporate training camps his
books and audio cassettes are sold
around the
he is Valhalla's finest diet e and
motivational speaker store hi hello Amy
I'm happy to be here it's been a long
journey uh yeah now I don't know much
about you I mean I read Beowulf well I
didn't but I read the cover but like
you're a Viking right the tunic and
goatskin boots give you a clue maybe I
am a Viking and a Viking that will not
only help you unleash the Furies but
unleash yourself
it's in my Thor's Norse power program
okay I'm a little confused well I'm a
lot confused I was taught in school that
biking through our blood Thursday and
violent an older once told me you must
unlearn what you have learned
of course then he died of the green
plague there are some Vikings that are a
bloodthirsty lot yes but no more than
anyone else really we're a nomadic
people Amy we have cold fire in our
souls you have that fire - Emmy you've
just lost it since you've gotten
television now that being said I'll
answer your question we are mostly
nonviolent though many of the Vikings
travel to Scotland and mind you anyone
who goes there will turn bloodthirsty
you can't understand what a lot of
saying it's all a for Reckling aboot
Danai it's enough to make you want to
burn a village to the ground that's why
in my cassette series I talked about the
importance of communication you see Amy
men and women live in different worlds
we use different words
a group of men talk about what they've
killed how to start a fire who has the
best longboat women want to talk about
keeping the community long or tidy and
their feelings when I'm raiding a
village I don't need to be talking about
feelings it's time for action
great so is that all there is to being a
Viking pillaging no lass no pillaging
and battle are important but we admire
poetry as well as long as it's posed
about whacking someone in with a double
handed battle ax what's holding you back
Amy and Chapter three of my book I talk
about it listening to the bloodthirsty
water spirit it's really quite important
if you want to winter about holla I
think I went there last night oh no that
was Malibu but it's the same sort of
thing Valhalla was that Golf Club wasn't
it
so 1983 but right what does being a
Viking have to do with anything
this is the 20th century we have
electricity penicillin
Planes implants well I don't but I want
some but I heard the operation is really
gross
you live like it's 982 ad or something
mind gee tongue wench list I cut it out
deep down all of you listening to me say
for yes I would like to unleash the
Viking within maybe you'll go camping
once a year or hunting and wonder why it
feels so natural that's because it is
too much of this denying your instincts
men's shaving you know deep down in a
pit of your soul you wish you could
crouch in the grass with flies biting
your face afraid to move for fear of
alerting the beasts covering yourself
with yak urine to thwart your smell then
a beast draws close you pounce bringing
your battle axe on its skull man and
animal at that moment one in the same in
a terrible beauty then you drag the
carcass back to camp and celebrate by
eating its heart some people they only
do this once in a lifetime I do this
every day and so can you all it takes is
some positive thinking just a 10 by
unleash the Norse within weekend when
you are finished you will say I am a god
nobody can stop me I crush my enemies
and dance on their funeral pyres this is
very helpful for living in suburbia Amy
and I should know I really don't
understand how oh it's very helpful
maybe a neighbor is tossing his leaf
clippings on your lawn or looking at
your woman or harboring desires
regarding your long boat you enslave his
children set his house on fire he shall
not bother you again well it must be
nice to have you as a neighbor not I
live in no place longer than needed to
fulfill my goals taking slaves valuables
and food goal-setting is very important
Amy not just in football you're very
weird and creeping me out of it but
whatever no weirder than anything else
so what do you think of Vice City ah I
like it very much your women here are
prepared for battle they are large not
like those scrawny things to the north a
woman who eats well provides for her man
you cannot set sail for robbing and
pillaging on an empty stomach it's like
the story of the Parsons wife and the
troll I don't think I've ever heard of
that one great car Larssen you
mainlanders have no historical
perspective read the runes it's all
right there talk to a grandparent but no
he cast people out like rubbish wisdom
is not to be treated so lightly when my
father grew old i sat with him day and
night absorbing his
wisdom learning about the demons and
where the wickedness resides in men's
arts then is his time drew near I built
a large pyre burns him and his wife
while communing with Odin's spirit
careful musty Pines is a sponsor of the
show Oh grody what are you doing I'm
just adjusting myself she-devil wearing
these animal eyes does get a bit itchy
um okay you never answered my question
what do you think of Vice City your land
and people have a lot in common with
mine you see we two fled our homes due
to lack of food overpopulation and the
bitter cold and mine gee starting out to
rain passing ships is fine but we needed
a new land to have our way with granted
we roll and sail to an area land enforce
and burn down a local monastery or
village where as you come in destroy all
the creatures and so plastic versions of
them you did a fine job pillaging these
lands but you should have done something
about Canada wait a minute there buster
my mother is half Canadian Oh what are
you going to do went sweep the ice
furiously at me
ha socialized medicine nah you did it
all wrong you should have continued to
the north and finish things off I talk
about this in me motivational learning
tapes that and beware the magpie tis the
devil evil reigneth when darkness falls
are you married
you seem like a tough character to live
with I am your wife Helga what a hag
this show is not sexist whatever certain
bearded women might say women are people
too
I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that
way ah go live in a chimney you troll
you twentieth century women are all the
same and me hag Helga she fell prey to
Europe anyways she says to me Thor I
ain't havin no Mead no more I'm going to
meetings see that's your problem soon as
you sort something out you have to go
preaching from the rooftops to everyone
else how to live not pillaged or plunder
no more but live in boxes then she says
Thor I'm getting me stomach stapled I
look fat and now fitteth to yak skins
where previously it was only one I say
wench don't come crying to me when we're
in a long boat crossing the Straits for
two moons and you're all skin and bones
a man needs something to grab onto I
ain't her fault
a cursed pixie goblin got her pixie
Goblin what kind of weird ancient
nonsense are you talking about now Thor
I've got to ask you how
old are you I am as old as a fyords as
young as a newborn lamb
are you shy about your age hmm just like
about it like my mom Lori's never shy
Thor's mighty Thor is a God and where
are you from from the beginning of the
flat earth where the Sun meets the sky
oh right by the beach great let's take a
commercial break we'll be right back
with Thor he's a real Viking Yeah right
whatever
hello I am Fernando Martinez I think by
now Juno I am an emotional kinda guy
people stopped me in the street and say
Fernando what the hell is wrong with me
silk shirt hairy chest enough aftershave
to drown a household pet but I still
cannot get a woman I tell them to are an
ignorant pool without the symbol of
power and fertility around your neck
what kind of woman is going to respect
you that is why I have teamed up with
medallion man the shop for medallion
needs medallion man caters to our levels
of masculinity for the strong silent
type and medallion the size of a hubcap
will say everything that needs to be
said even singing medallions for the
Casanova who knows music is the food of
love model trains that houses diapers
whatever your interests we've got a
medallion for jewel don't forget every
woman knows if you can support a
medallion you can't support a family we
have some sad news for you rock and roll
is dead and pop is in try not discover
the excitement of the science of music
yourself at sentence on the home of
keyboards thanks to the science of music
you don't need musical talent to make
great music just listen
I created that just by pressing a button
synthesizers are the new way why work
hard on difficult compositions when a
machine can make music better than
you've ever dreamed of you'll be the hit
of a party
it's perfect for in restaurant
entertainment cover bands and controls
make few spunky and death marches
danceable
the science of music and since its
infant son remember you don't know
you're a musician until you try we're
back on ke chat with me Amy and my guest
is Thor Viking warrior and elf help guru
do your the last name oh whatever anyway
what were we talking about we were
talking about the wisdom of the Ancients
there are many hurdles in life hey me I
remember one of the first bits of fan
mail I got it came by bottle in the sea
a man of lollard island said a tiny
woman came to our farm and swept in
front of our door a woodland troll has
carried off my woman in the dead of
night give me wisdom Thor so what did
you tell him hi Amy
it was obvious the black plague could
visit his home as sure as she can't be a
midwife to a fairy expect wisdom from a
fool or find a good meal downtown on a
Saturday night okay I don't um I really
have nothing to ask you because I really
don't think we're bonding quite right
here I'm more than a little confused
let's go to the phones
you're on K chat with Thor yes hello
Thor my name is Jay I'm a huge fan man
your book really helped me get through
puberty everyone else was into vampires
and stuff I just got into the Viking
thing it's pretty cool it's been working
pretty well for me anyway my girlfriend
and I we fight all the time
she's always calling to check up on me
it really totally sucks it's a drag
like I hang out at the strip mall with
all my boys and she shows up is there
any advice you can give me ah yes there
was a man who asked for a night's
lodging at a certain farm on the eve of
Mountain day Thursday or maybe it was
Fat Tuesday anyway in the course of the
night the old woman of the house took
out a horn of salve and smeared herself
with it from head to toe she then
climbed on top of the stove sat astride
a sweeping broom and began son hello
excuse me what the hell are you talking
about reading from the rooms wench
what kind of rune is that I it's a man's
rune and not appropriate for the warrior
under 18 years old but there's a moral
at the end are you still there fair J uh
yeah I'm still here do you love this
woman yeah I think so she's really
special especially in the back seat if
you know what I mean Thor then behead
her and parade I love a round on a stick
for the world to admire Wow cool they
door okay I'd like to throw you out but
you've got an enormous sword and oh yeah
let's take another call but first miss
nurse vice sity remember don't be had
your girlfriend and take her head around
on a stick
hello you're on Kay chat with Thor hey
brother my name is TJ your book is fresh
real fresh like it's been a real
inspiration and all that it's most
definitely on me and my crews vibe and
that Loki brother he's a slick and
salivex you know what I mean trooper in
fact me and my boys are start a Thor fan
club you know what I'm rapping we're on
your vibe man I a Thor fan club this
pleases Thor very much I shall speak of
myself in the third person from now on
uh uh yeah I wasn't really into school
all that much but I hear you Thor so so
anyway we have this fan club right and
it's been a name and it's something like
the Vice Lords of Valhalla
we gave it like a modern name keeping
things firmly in the 80s you know the
Bloods
anything off the wall man we follow your
teachers to the letter sir especially
how you go around smiting fools with
that wild mad hammer of yours and
getting people to know exactly what time
it is here have you a magic hammer nah
we don't have any Odin types around here
to strap us with super fly hardware like
yours but we do have Mac tens tech 9
straight street sweepers and all that
are you still on my vibe brother hey I
like the sound of this methinks I want
to join your group
the a pillar hell yeah we do it like a
Viking you ought to come party with us
will you make you an honorary blood word
ah indiscriminate pillaging this is as
we say the school of old when I am done
with the wench we shall meet till then
beware the frost giant TJ and the
serpent with two tongues uh yeah okay
whatever yo brother
where'd you land that funky fresh silver
helmet of yours those wings on the sides
are wicked money stop calling me a wench
I have much to teach you when Jamie only
if you would listen for many centuries
people have asked questions
why is my fatted calf gone after the
gypsy woman appeared are they're trolls
living in my chimney I sure I can tell
you the story of the 12 children on a
platter
or the midsummer snow and the spirit
hatched from a cocks egg but in the end
a me you need a spirit journey a
wandering spirit demands a wandering
body take a long boat pack only what you
can carry head toward the moon at high
tide ok thanks for the advice and with
that revelation I'm going to have to
change topics that was Thor Viking
warrior coming up next we have another
guest we'll be back right after this how
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