>> MUELLERS PROSECUTOR SO FAR ZEROERING IN ON PAUL MANAFORTS
LAVISH LIFESTYLE.
SOME OF THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED, WELL LETS SHOW IT TO YOU.
A $15,000 OSTRICH JACKET, ALSO MORE THAN $18,000 PYTHON COAT.
>> NOW, YESTERDAY WE HEARD A LOT ABOUT MY CLIENTS $15,000OS
STITCH COAT, AND NOW THE PROSECUTORS ARE ATTACKING HIM
FOR HIS $18,000 PYTHON COAT.
BUT I ASK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE NEWLY-SELECTED
JURY, ARENT PYTHONS VICIOUS CREATURES THAT SHOULD BE MADE
INTO COATS?
( HISSING ) ( LAUGHTER )
I GOT TO START SHOWING UP FOR JURY SELECTION.
>> Announcer: ITS "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, MAN OF FASHION.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES CHLOE GRACE MORETZ, BOB GOLDTHWAIT AND
COMEDIENNE KATIE HANNIGAN, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, ITS STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
Captioning sponsored by CBS >> Stephen: THANKS VERY MUCH!
HEY!
LOVELY!
WELCOME!
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HI!
NICE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOVELY!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
PLEASE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
IM STEPHEN COLBERT.
IM FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF TODAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, AND I TELL YOU WHY,
BECAUSE ROBERT ROBERT DOESNT WANT TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOULL REMEMBER THAT OUR
COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF HAD A HISSY FIT ON TWITTER YESTERDAY, AND
NOW WE KNOW WHY.
35 TWEETS OVER THE WEEKEND OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
APPARENTLY, TRUMPS TWEET STORM CAME AFTER LEARNING MUELLER
WANTS TO ASK HIM ABOUT OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
WHY IS HE SURPRISED?
( CHEERING ) SURE, GO AHEAD, OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE FANS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DONT KNOW WHY DONALD TRUMP IS
SURPRISED.
WHEN THE COPS WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, ITS USUALLY ABOUT A CRIME.
"UH-OH, COPS ARE PULLING ME OVER.
WELL, THEY PROBABLY JUST WANT TO KNOW IF IVE CHECKED OUT SEASON
2 OF ATLANTA YET."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE -- LET ME GET RID OF
THIS.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE -- MUELLER WANTS TO ASK ABOUT
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE BUT HAS AGREED TO LIMIT THE SCOPE OF
QUESTIONING AND WOULD LIKE TO ASK QUESTIONS BOTH "WRITTEN,"
AND "ORALLY."
"YOU LOST ME AT WRITTEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU GOT ME BACK AT ORALLY."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
YOU KNOW IM A FAN.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT DESPITE THE PERILS, TRUMP IS
PUSHING FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH MUELLER AGAINST HIS LAWYERS
ADVICE.
YES, TRUMP HAS SAID FROM THE BEGINNING THAT HE WANTS TO TALK
TO MUELLER ONE-ON-ONE.
AND HIS LAWYERS HAVE SAID FROM THE BEGINNING, "WHY DID I GO TO
LAW SCHOOL?
I COULDVE BEEN A DENTIST!
ID RATHER BE UP TO MY ELBOWS IN SOMEONE ELSES SPIT."
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO PEOPLE CLOSE TO
TRUMP, TRUMP BELIEVES HE CAN CONVINCE THE INVESTIGATORS
OF HIS BELIEF THAT THEIR OWN INQUIRY IS A "WITCH HUNT."
"MR. MUELLER, BOB, IF I MAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY TWEETS?
THIS ONE HAS WITCH HUNT IN ALL CAPS.
( LAUGHTER ) I REST MY CASE.
DO YOU WANT TO ARREST YOURSELF?
OR SHOULD I SLAP THE CUFFS ON YOU?"
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMPS STILL GETTING LEGAL
ADVICE FROM ATTORNEY AND MAN WHO JUST REALIZED HOW HELL BE
REMEMBERED, RUDY GIULIANI, WHO CALLED ON MUELLER YESTERDAY TO
WRAP THIS WHOLE THING UP.
>> WE BELIEVE THAT THE INVESTIGATION SHOULD BE BROUGHT
TO A CLOSE. WE THINK THEYRE AT THE END OF IT, THEY SHOULD
RENDER THEIR REPORT, PUT UP-- I MEAN GUESS IF WE WERE PLAYING
POKER WERE NOT-- PUT UP OR SHUT UP, WHAT DO YA GOT?
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU BETTER HOPE YOURE NOT PLAYING POKER BECAUSE
YOUR CLIENT CANT KEEP A CASINO RUNNING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WERE GETTING NEW DETAILS FROM THE TRIAL OF FORMER TRUMP
CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND NURSING HOME DIRECTOR WHO STEALS JEWELRY
ON BINGO NIGHT, PAUL MANAFORT.
PROSECUTORS ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT MANAFORT
KNOWINGLY DECEIVED THE GOVERNMENT AND BANKS, ALL SO HE
COULD LIVE A LAVISH LIFESTYLE.
ACCORDING TO COURT DOCUMENTS HE SPENT $1.26 MILLION AT JUST
TWO HIGH-END CLOTHING STORES.
SO IF YOU TELL PAUL MANAFORT, "YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS"
YOURE INSULTING HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU MIGHT NOT SAY THAT,
BECAUSE THESE ARE THE JACKETS HE WAS WEARING.
THIS BOXY PINSTRIPED NUMBER WOULD LOOK GREAT IN THE CORNER
OFFICE, OR A HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "GUYS AND DOLLS".
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE SCREAMS: THEY JUST TOOK
MY THUMBS, CHARLIE!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS $18,000 PYTHON SKIN
JACKET, THAT SAYS, "WATCH ME UNHINGE MY JAW AND SWALLOW
A POODLE WHOLE!" ( LAUGHTER )
BASICALLY, HIS CLOSET LOOKS LIKE IF A BLIND PIMP GOT A HUNDRED
WISHES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE!
THESE JACKETS ARE SO DAMNING THAT THE JUDGE
HAD TO ACTUALLY STEP IN SAYING "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, WE DONT
CONVICT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY AND THROW IT
AROUND.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT GOING TO PROSECUTE PEOPLE FOR WEARING
NICE CLOTHES."
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS CLOTHES?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND ITS NOT -- ITS NOT JUST THE JACKETS THAT
MADE MANAFORT LOOK SHADY, ITS HOW HE PAID FOR THEM.
ONE CLOTHING STORE MANAGER TESTIFIED THAT MANAFORT WAS HIS
ONLY CLIENT WHO PAID WITH INTERNATIONAL WIRE TRANSFERS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: OH, COME ON!
THATS TOTALLY NORMAL!
( LAUGHTER ) "ILL TAKE A PACK OF GUM AND
SOME SLIM JIMS.
$4.99?
HMM... YURI AT ODESSA-BANK ISNT ANSWERING MY TEXTS.
DO YOU ACCEPT STOLEN PAINTINGS?" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT BY FAR MY FAVORITE DETAIL FROM THESE JACKETS IS ONE OF THE
LABELS.
IT READS, WEARABLE ART BY BIJAN.... FOR P.M.
AH YES, PAUL MANAFORT HAD WEARABLE ART BY BIJAN.
FOR THE MAN WITH DISCRIMINATING TASTE... AND INCRIMINATING
CLOTHES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO LOOK ELEGANTLY UNDERSTATED WHILE
BEING CHASED BY INTERPOL.
>> WEARABLE ART.
FOR DISTINCTIVE MENSWEAR THAT SAYS, "YURI AND I WILL GO MAKE
THE DISCO."
"WEARABLE ART BY WHO?" "BIJAN!"
FOR WHEN YOUR NEXT SUIT IS AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT.
>> WEARABLE ART BY WHO?
BIJAN.
OH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEYRE NOT A
SPONSOR, ARE THEY?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) BIG NEWS FOR FANS OF ALL THREE
DIMENSIONS: THIS WEEK IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT SCIENTISTS HAVE
DISCOVERED A NEW SHAPE.
I ASSUME THIS DISCOVERY WAS MADE BY THE CRACK TEAM AT FISHER
PRICE UNIVERSITY.
SO WHAT IS THIS HOT NEW SHAPE THATS BURNING UP THE INTERNET?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING: THE SCUTOID.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM YOUR AUNTS SALT AND PEPPER
SHAKER COLLECTION.
THIS NEW SHAPE HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A COLUMN WITH HALF
OF ONE END LOPPED OFF AT AN ANGLE, A PRISM WITH A ZIPPER.
A PRISM WITH A ZIPPER IS NOT A SHAPE.
ITS ONE OF PAUL MANAFORTS JACKETS.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
( APPLAUSE ) ITS ALSO BEEN DESCRIBED AS A
TWISTED PRISM.
BY THE WAY, TWISTED PRISM, ALSO MY FAVORITE METAL BAND.
( LAUGHTER ) WEVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CHLOE GRACE MORETZ IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MY DEEPEST -- MORE, STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
RIGHT OVER THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, FOLKS, YOU KNOW WHO STILL EXISTS?
WHITE HOUSE SENIOR ADVISOR AND LADY ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOORS AND
TRUMP.
TODAY, IVANKA SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW AND CAME ADMIRABLY
CLOSE TO DISPLAYING HUMAN EMPATHY.
>> A LOW POINT IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A NUMBER OF YOUR
COLLEAGUES WAS THE KIDS AT THE BORDER ISSUE?
WHAT IS YOUR VIEW OF THAT?
>> YES.
THAT WAS A LOW POINT FOR ME AS WELL.
>> STEPHEN: "BUT SOMEHOW I GOT THROUGH IT BY SAYING AND DOIN
( LAUGHTER ) NOTHING."
AND WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY "WAS" A LOW POINT?
ITS STILL HAPPENING.
THATS LIKE BEING INSIDE YOUR BURNING HOUSE GOING "YKNOW
WHEN THIS CHAIR IM SITTING IN CAUGHT FIRE?
THAT WAS A REAL WAKE UP CALL.
DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING?" BUT IVANKA ASSURES US THAT HER
DAD STEALING CHILDREN IS GIVING HER THE FEELS.
>> I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THAT AND I AM VERY VEHEMENTLY
AGAINST FAMILY SEPARATION AND THE SEPARATION OF PARENTS
AND CHILDREN.
>> STEPHEN: JUST IMAGINE HOW UPSET SHELL BE WHEN FEDS DRAG
AWAY DON JR. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN, IVANKA TACKLED THE ISSUE
OF HER FATHERS ATTACKS ON JOURNALISM.
>> DO YOU THINK THAT WERE THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE?
>> SORRY?
>> DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE?
>> NO.
I DO NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THATS NOT A VIEW THATS
SHARED IN YOUR FAMILY.
>> ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME TO ELABORATE?
>> SURE.
>> NO, I DONT.
>> Stephen: WAIT, HE ASKED YOU TO ELABORATE.
NO, I DONT, IS ACTUALLY SHORTER THAN NO I DO
NOT.
SO YOU DID NOT ELABORATING.
"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME TO ELABORATE?"
YOU DIDNT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THE PRESIDENT NOTICED IVANKA WAS ON TV, BECAUSE IT INVOLVED
HIS TWO FAVORITE THINGS: IVANKA AND TV.
HE TWEETED: "THEY ASKED MY DAUGHTER IVANKA WHETHER OR
NOT THE MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.
SHE CORRECTLY SAID NO.
IT IS THE FAKE NEWS, WHICH IS A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THE
MEDIA, THAT IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!"
SEE?
( BOOING ) THAT CLEARS IT UP.
TRUMP SUPPORTERS, WHEN YOU SEE THE MEDIA AT THE NEXT RALLY
MAKE SURE YOU VIOLENTLY THREATEN ONLY "A LARGE PERCENTAGE" OF
THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) MIKE ALLEN ALSO THREW HER ONLY
THE HARDEST OF SOFTBALLS.
>> YOUR HIGHPOINT AND LOW POINT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> OH, WOW.
OH, SO MY HIGHPOINT?
OH GOSH.
THERE HAVE BEEN-- THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY HIGH POINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WOW.
THAT TOOK HER A WHILE.
SHE SEEMED A LITTLE GLAZED.
SHE SEEMS LIKE THIS IS ONE OF HER HIGH POINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE EVENTUALLY DID COME UP WITH
A HIGH POINT OF HER JOB.
>> I LOVE GETTING OUT OF WASHINGTON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE HIGH POINT OF
YOUR JOB IS LEAVING YOUR JOB?
WHAT A COINCIDENCE -- THATS MY HIGH POINT OF YOUR JOB TOO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN SHE FINALLY ANSWERED: >> TAX REFORM, THAT WAS A REAL
HIGH MOMENT FOR ME.
I WORKED REALLY HARD WITH AN AMAZING TEAM OF PEOPLE TO MAKE
THAT HAPPEN.
>> STEPHEN: YOU HELPED REPUBLICANS PASS TAX REFORM THE
WAY MY NEPHEW HELPS ME MOW THE LAWN WITH HIS BUBBLE MOWER
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WELL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHLOE GRACE MORETZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WHEAIVED!
WELCOME BACK!
>> STEPHEN: TONIGHT ON "THE LATE >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO
THE SHOW, EVERYBODY!
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A TALENTED YOUNG ACTRESS WHO
STARRED IN "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR" AND "CARRIE" AND "IF I
STAY."
HER LATEST IS "THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST."
>> THEY SAY CANNIBALS ONLY EAT THE ANIMALS THEY ADMIRE AS A WAY
TO TAKE INSIDE THEIR BEST QUALITIES.
>> OKAY.
WHEN YOU SPEAK, YOU REVEAL A COMPULSION TO TAKE INTO YOURSELF
THE QUALITIES YOU ADMIRED IN THIS GIRL.
>> I WANTED TO BE LIKE HER, AND I CONFUSED THAT WITH BEING WITH
HER...
>> CORRECT.
I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.
ITS LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE WITH VICKY JONES, BUT WHAT
I REALLY LOVED WAS HER PERFECT PITCH.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME CHLOE GRACE MORETZ!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
HELLO!
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU BACK.
>> YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
GOOD.
JUST DOING PRETTY WELL.
>> Stephen: YOUVE HAD A BIG MILESTONE.
CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER BECAUSE -- AND I THINK IVE GOT
THE ACTUAL INVITATION HERE -- YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO BE A
MEMBER OF THE OSCAR ACADEMY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHATS THE OFFICIAL NAME?
>> THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURES AND ARTS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURES AND ARTS, AND
YOU GOT THIS LOVELY INVITATION HERE THAT SAYS, HELLO, GORGEOUS,
YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED.
SO WHATS THIS MEAN?
YOU GET A BADGE?
PULL PEOPLE OVER FOR BAD ACTING, WHAT IS IT?
>> YEAH, I GET A BADGE.
I GET TO VOTE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU THE YOUNGEST VOTER?
YOURE 21.
>> IM 21.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU THE YOUNGEST VOTER?
>> Stephen: I DONT KNOW.
>> Stephen: TIMOTHY SHALLEN GOT IT, TOO.
>> HES GOT YEARS ON ME.
ESHED BE APPLYING UNDEREYE CREAM.
>> Stephen: WITHOUT A DOUBT.
A LITTLE BIT OF SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: WELL, ACTING, IVE ALWAYS THOUGHT, IS PRETTY CLOSE
TO LYING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND I WAS AN ACTOR WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
I WENT TO NORTHWESTERNS PRESTIGIOUS LYING SCHOOL THERE.
>> ITS THE BEST.
>> Stephen: ONE TO HAVE THE BEST OF THE LYING SCHOOLS.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO LIE TO GET A PART?
I WAS TAUGHT TO SAY WHATEVER THE PART REQUIRES, JUST SAY YOU CAN
DO THAT.
>> YES, WELL, ACTUALLY, I LIED TO MARTIN SCORSESE FOR "HUGO,"
AND I TOLD HIM, IN HUGO, IM SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BRITISH AC
SENT AND BE BRITISH.
SO I WENT IN THERE, YOU KNOW, JUST READY FOR IT, AND I LIED
AND SAID -- >> Stephen: WAIT, HAD YOU TONE
A BRITISH ACCENT BEFORE?
>> I HADNT DONE A BRITISH ACCENT BEFORE, BUT I ALWAYS
ENJOYED ACCENTS SO I PLAYED A ROUND WITH MY BROTHER AND WE
ALWAYS PRETENDED TO BE BRITISH.
BUT I HAD A SOLID EAR, SO IM OKAY WITH FAKING IT.
I WENT INTO THE AUDITION AND THE CASTING DIRECTOR KNEW I WASNT
BRITISH BUT KNEW I LIED AND SHE LIKED ME.
SHE SAID, LIE TO MARTY AND IT WILL WORK.
>> Stephen: SHE TOLD YOU TO LIE TO MARTIN SCORSESE?
>> I ALREADY LIED ON MY SELF-TAPE AND I LIED TO HER AND
SHE MEW THE TRUTH AND SHE SAID KEEP LYING.
I SAID, OH, HELLO, MARTIN, IM CHLOEY, HOW ARE YOU?
HE SAID, HI, HO WHERE ARE YOU FR I SAID, CAMBRIDGE SHIRE.
HE SAID, OH, IVE NEVER BEEN THERE.
I SAID, YES, MY PARENTS WERE HORSE BREEDERS AND -- AS I SAID
THAT, I REALIZED I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HORSES, AND THANK
GOD I GOT MYSELF OUT OF THIS TRICKY SITCH, AND I ENDED UP
BOOKING THE PART AND IT WASNT TILL MUCH LATER IN THE
PRODUCTION HE REALIZED I WASNT BRITISH.
>> WHAT GAVE THE JIG UP?
I WAS SPEAKING USUALLY IN A BRITISH ACCENT THROUGHOUT THE
MOVIE, AND THEN I STOPPED AND I TALKED ABOUT BEING FROM GEORGIA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MY BROTHER AND MOTHER WERE
VERY AMERICAN.
AND I THINK MY MOMS SOUTHERN ACCENT KIND OF GAVE THE WHOLE
HORSE BREEDING AWAY.
>> Stephen: HOW DID HE TAKE IT?
>> HE LAUGHED.
HE WAS, LIKE, GOOD ON YA.
GOOD ONE.
I THINK HE TOLD ME SOME STORY ABOUT A YOUNG ACTRESS WHO MIGHT
HAVE LIED TO HIM AT SOME POINT IN TIME.
>> Stephen: SO TWO ACTRESSES HAVE LIED.
>> ITS ME AND ONE OTHER WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
>> Stephen: THE NEW FILM IS CALLED THE MISEDUCATION OF
CAMERON POST- >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE MISEDUCATION?
>> SO, BASICALLY, THE STORY FOCUSES AROUND A YOUNG GIRL WHO
GETS CAUGHT HOOK UP WITH HER BEST FRND IN THE BACK OF HER
BOYFRIENDS CAR.
>> Stephen: TWO GIRLS.
YES, TWO GIRLS.
SHE GETS CAUGHT IN THE BACK OF HER BOYFRIENDS CAR ON PROM
NIGHT.
HER AUNT CONSULTED THE CHURCH AND DECIDED TO SEND MY CHARACTER
CAMERON AWAY TO CONVERSION THERAPY CAMP.
AND CONVERSION THERAPY IS BASICALLY WHERE THEY SEND KIDS
TO PRAY THE GAY AWAY, AND THEY USE DIFFERENT FORMS OF
PSYCHOTHERAPY AND MANIPULATION TO KIND OF CONDITION KIDS TO
HATE THEMSELVES IN A LOT OF WAYS.
>> Stephen: AND AVERSION THERAPY, TOO.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND MANY STATES HAVE OUTLAWED THIS.
>> YES, CURRENTLY 14 STATES AND LAST TWO WEEKS AGO IT WAS
DELAWARE.
THE MOVIE IS SET IN 1993.
AT LEAST FOR ME, I WAS TAKEN BACK BY THE ISSUE BECAUSE THE
SURVIVORS I MET WERE IN THEIR MID 20s, THEY WERE PUT IN WHEN
THEY WERE 15 OR 16 AND HAD BEEN THERE FOR AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX
YEARS.
SO SEEING PEOPLE MY AGE THAT HAD GONE THROUGH IT AND PLACES LIKE
IN MANHATTAN, THERE HAVE BEEN MORE CONVERSION THERAPY CENTERS
IN MANHATTAN.
>> Stephen: SO ITS NOT ILLEGAL IN NEW YORK?
>> MANHATTAN HAS VOTED ON IT BUT ALBANY HASNT.
>> Stephen: SOME DESCRIBE IT AS A FORM OF TORTURE.
>> YES, 100%.
IT RANGES.
IN MY MOVIE WE FOCUS ON THE INSIDIOUS QUIET FORM OF
MANIPULATION THEY DO WHICH YOU SAW IN CANNIBALISM SCENE.
DESIREE WHO ALSO WROTE THE MOVIE HEARD THE CAN BALLIST STORY OF
ONE OF THE SURVIVORS AND PUT THIS INTO OUR SCRIPT BECAUSE TO
US WE WERE SO TAKEN ABACK AND SHOCKED AT THE REALITY OF THAT
KIND OF MANIPULATION THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD BE
ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX IS YOU WANT TO INGEST WHAT,
YOU KNOW, THEIR ATTRIBUTES THAT YOU DONT HAVE WITHIN YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: WELL, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I MEAN, ITS HARD TO END ON THAT NOTE, BUT, UM --
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: ITS IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS
LIKE.
>> IT IS.
WELL, ON THE UPSIDE, I WILL SAY THIS MOVIE IS VERY HEAVY, BUT IT
DEALS AND FOCUSES ON THE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS OF
GAY KIDS MEETING THE COMEDIC AND ITS BEAUTIFUL AND TEND AROUND
SWEET AND YOU WILL CRY BUT ITS NOT LIKE TAKING A MEDICATION OR
PRESCRIPTION.
YOU REALLY WILL HAVE FUN, I PROMISE.
>> Stephen: I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
"THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST" IS IN THEATERS TOMORROW!
CHLOE GRACE MORETZ, EVERYBODY!
WELL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BOB GOLDTHWAIT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN AN
ORIGINAL VOICE IN COMEDY FOR DECADES, HES ALSO
DIRECTED THE LIKES OF ROBIN WILLIAMS, PATTON OSWALT, AND
DAVE CHAPELLE.
PLEASE WELCOME BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I REALIZED SAYING THIS BACKSTAGE
QUICKLY, ITS REALLY A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
>> ILL CRUSH THAT RIGHT OUT OF YA.
( LAUGHTER ) ITS LIKE I KIND OF LIKE THE GUY
BUT NOW THAT I MET HIM HES A REAL ( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: COMEDY IN THE 80s IS WHEN YOU EXPLODED ON
THE SCENE.
YOU WERE A TOTALLY NEW THING.
>> YEAH, I WAS HUGE IN THE 80s.
A LOT OF YOUR AUDIENCE PROBABLY WASNT BORN WHEN I WAS RELEVANT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS CBS.
YEAH, I OWED LIKE TO REMIND THE VIEWERS, DONT STAND NEXT TO
THE MICROWAVE.
>> Stephen: OH, BECAUSE TO HAVE THE PACEMAKERS?
>> THATS A PACEMAKER JOKE.
THATS NOT MY TARGET DEMO.
HOWS THE RASCAL?
SORRY.
IM REALLY NERVOUS.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU NERVOUS?
YOURE BOB GOLDTHWAIT!
>> IM WAITING TO GO ON, IM, LIKE, IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER
TO JUST RUN OUT AND GO AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: YOU DONT DO THAT ANYMORE.
>> I WILL NOT DO THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, YOU HAD -- WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, YOU
HAD A REALLY FRENETIC, SOMEWHAT PANICKED WAY OF SPEAKING AND
REALLY MADE THE AUDIENCE LEAN IN TO WHAT YOU WERE SAYING BECAUSE
WE COULDNT FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING A LOT AND THEN YOU
WOULD SLOW DOWN AND OUT WOULD COME THE THE PUNCH LINE AND
WOULD KNOCK YOU ON YOUR HEELS.
WHAT WAS THE NEXT THING YOURE SAYING, WAS THAT PURPOSEFUL?
>> NO, I WAS REALLY SCARED.
>> Stephen: IT WAS AN HONEST FEAR?
>> I GOT MUTATED.
I NEVER DID REGULAR STANDUP.
I WOULD GO OUT WITH A DEAR JOHN LETTER.
AN ACTUAL DEAR JOHN LETTER.
AND I WOULD SAY, HEY, ITS NICE TO BE HERE.
THEN I WOULD START CRYING AND GO, ITS NOT NICE TO BE HERE.
AND THEN READ A DEAR JOHN LETTER AND GO BACK TO MY ACT.
MY WIFE IS SO FAT.
HOW FAT IS SHE?
I DONT EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT WAS MORE -- I WOULD JUST
TRY TO DO MORE PERFORMANCE PIECES.
>> WHATS THE MOST YOUVE EVER ANTAGONIZED AN AUDIENCE OR
SECOND MOST?
>> SECOND MOST.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IM NOT SURE IF I COULD HANDLE MOST.
>> I WAS -- ITS A LONG TIME AGO, I WAS DOING A SHOW IN
ATLANTA AND I TELL YOU HOW LONG AGO IT WAS, MY OPENING ACT WAS
DENNIS MILLER AND HE WAS A DEMOCRAT.
THATS HOW LONG AGO IT WAS.
YOU KNOW, AND EHES OPENING AND, SO, I GET UP ON STAGE AND ITS
AN OUTDOOR VENUE AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: ATLANTA.
YEAH, AND THE WHOLE SHOW I JUST KEEP GETTING, FREE BIRD!
YOU KNOW, THAT HILARIOUS HECKLE.
AND I THINK IM DOING AN OKAY KAY JOB PUTTING IT DOWN BUT
THEYRE POUNDING ME, FREE BIRD, FREE BIRD!
I LOOK AT MY WATCH AND SAID AS SOON AS I DO MY ALLOTTED TIME
IM GET LET THEM HAVE IT.
I DO 50 MINUTES, AND I HEAR FREE BIRD!
I SAID LISTEN, YOU IGNORANT HILLBILLY, LEONARD SKYNARD IS
DEAD, I REMEMBER THIS LIKE YESTERDAY.
I LOOK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAGE AND THESE WOOLLY LOOKING
BIKER DUDES ARE CLIMBING UP ON STAGE AND IM LOOKING FOR
SECURITY TO HELP ME OUT AND THEY DONT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE GUYS GET CLOSER TO ME
AND AROUND THEIR NECKS ARE LAMINATED PASSES THAT SAY
LEONALEONARDSKYNARD SURVIVORS TO IT WAS SURVIVING MEMBERS OF THE
LEONARD SKYNARD WERE IN THE AUDIENCE.
THEY WERE YELLING FREE BIRD TO GET LEONARD SKYNARDS ATTENTION.
THATS THE FIRST TIME I USED MY REAL VOICE ON STAGE WHEN I SAID
THEYRE DEAD.
AND THEY SAID, HEY, MAN, WERE LEONARD SKYNARD AND WERE NOT
DEAD.
IM, LIKE, TONY, GET THE CAR.
I GOT HEALED!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOUVE SAID SOME THINGS THAT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE JOKES YOU WOULD
TAKE BACK.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: YOUR FRIEND JAMES GUN JUST GOT CANNED BY DISNEY AS
THE DIRECTOR AND, REALLY, SORT OF LIKE THE VOICE OF GUARDIANS
OF THE GALAXY.
THOSE ARE HIS FILMS.
>> THATS HIS PROPERTY.
YEAH, HE WRITES IT, HE DIRECTS IT.
>> Stephen: IT COMES FROM HIM.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND YOU SAID, NO, THE CAST HAS SAID YOUVE GOT TO
GET HIM BACK.
>> YEAH, WELL, HERES THE THING, YOU KNOW, I LOVE JAMES, HES A
GREAT MAN.
THESE ARE TWEETS THAT WERENT FUNNY YEARS AGO, AND HES
APOLOGIZED FOR THEM YEARS AND YEARS AGO.
THEYRE DECADES OLD.
IF WERE GOING TO START PUNISHING ARTISTS AND CREATIVE
PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY SAID TEN, TWENTY YEARS AGO AND HAVE THEM
APOLOGIZE, WERE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANYBODY LEFT.
ITS GOING TO BE JIM GAFFIGAN.
THATS IT.
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH.
>> PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN LISTEN WITH YOUR KIDS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: VERY FEW DEAD ROCK BAND JOKES.
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> GAFFIGAN SNAPS -- LEONARD
SKYNARDS DEAD!
( LAUGHTER ) NO, SO, YOU KNOW, ON INSTAGRAM,
I WROTE A THING TO DISNEY SUGGESTING THEY REMOVE MY VOICE
FROM AN UPCOMING PROJECT THATS COMING TO THE DISNEYLAND PARK
BECAUSE IVE DONE THINGS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A VOICE ON A NEW RIDE AT DOES MYLAND?
>> YEAH, THATS THE THING, SOME PEOPLE WERE MORE UPSET THAN ME.
OH, GREAT, DISNEY DIDNT EVEN ANNOUNCE THE NEW WORLD OF COLOR,
GREAT BOBCAT, BECAUSE SOMETIMES I READ COMMENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IM ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU SAID TAKE ME OUT --
>> I SUGGESTED THEY TAKE ME OUT.
BUT THE KEY WAS THAT HES REALLY BEING ATTACKED NOT FOR SOMETHING
HE SAID ALMOST A DECADE AGO, HES BEING ATTACKED BECAUSE HES
VERY OUTSPOKEN AGAINST THE PRESIDENT AND HIS
ADMINISTRATION.
I SAID IM OUTSPOKEN AGAINST THE PRESIDENT AND HIS
ADMINISTRATION.
YOURE TAKING YOUR LEAD FROM A FEW CRACK POTS THAT ARE RIGHT
WING EXTREMIST TROLLS, YOU KNOW, SO I WOULD HOPE DISNEY WOULD
GOVERN THEMSELVES AND NOT LET THIS FRINGE GROUP OF LUNATICS
TELL THEM HOW THEYRE GOING TO HIRE AND FIRE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE NICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I WAS TALKING ABOUT COMMENTS
AND ITS, LIKE, WHEN I FIRST STARTED GOING TO PROTESTS ABOUT
THE PRESIDENT, I WOULD SHOW UP, AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER
GOT DEATH THREATS ON INSTAGRAM.
AND I WAS, LIKE, WHAT IS GOING ON?
AND I REALIZED, WOW, POLICE ACADEMY FANS REALLY LOVE TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SURE.
THEY WERE REALLY MAD, YOU BETRAYED US.
BUT MY FAVORITE COMMENT IS PEOPLE WOULD GO, IM GOING TO
UNFOLLOW YOU.
AND I WAS, LIKE, I USED TO PLAY ARENAS, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE
UNFOLLOWED ME.
YOURE ABOUT 20 YEARS LATE FOR THAT TRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO YOU HAVE THE
NEW SHOW CALLED "BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITS MISFITS &
MONSTERS."
WHATS IT ABOUT?
>> ITS AN ANTHOLOGY SERIES.
EACH WEEK ITS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
>> Stephen: ITS STORYTELLING?
YEAH, NARRATIVE.
HOPEFULLY COMEDY, A LITTLE DARK.
THE ONE COMING UP NEXT WEDNESDAY, BRIDGET EVERETT WAS
ONE OF MY FAVORITE ALL-TIME PERFORMERS.
I LOVE HER TO PIECES.
SHES KIND ENOUGH TO BE ON THE SHOW, AND SHE PLAYS A RACIST
MERMAID.
>> Stephen: A RACIST MERMAID.
YEAH, WE SHOT IT IN FLORIDA IN WEEKY WATCHY.
>> Stephen: IN A SWAMP?
PARTIALLY.
ITS A GIANT FRESH SPRING THATS GOT, LIKE, AN AQUARIUM WALL AND
MERMAIDS DO THE SHOW, AND THEN THERES ANOTHER PART THATS A
LITTLE BIT SWAMP LIKE.
HERES THE STORY AGAIN.
I SHOULD -- YOU KNOW, IM NOT PROUD OF THIS STORY, BUT WE WERE
FILMING, MY FRIEND TONY PLAYS NEPTUNE IN THE -- THIS MAKES NO
SENSE -- PRIJTS A MERMAID, SHES OUT ON A DATE.
NEPTUNE JUMPS OUT OF THE SWAMP AND HES, LIKE, HELLO, WHORE,
AND SHE SAYS, THATS MY EX, KEEP GOING.
HES PAINTED BLUE.
I LOVE TONY BUT I ALSO NOTICED THERE WAS THESE WARNING
ALLIGATOR SIGNS.
>> Stephen: AROUND THE POND?
YEAH.
SO I TOOK THE SIGNS DOWN BEFORE HE GOT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
BECAUSE, AS A GUY WHO USED TO ACT, YOU KNOW, I DIDNT WANT HIM
TO BE THINKING ABOUT THAT.
I WANTED HIM TO GIVE HIS BEST PERFORMANCE.
>> Stephen: YOU WANTED HIM TO BE IN A COMFORTABLE SPACE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: JUST NOT A SAFE SPACE.
>> YEAH.
IT WOULD BE, LIKE, CAUGHT AND THEN I WOULD GO DOWN TO THE
SHORE.
ALL RIGHT?
LETS DO IT AGAIN!
>> Stephen: I GUESS THATS A WRAP.
>> SO ANTHOLOGY SERIES EACH WEEKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
>> Stephen: I CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH OF THIS MAKES
IT TO AIR.
>> YEAH, GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: I ENJOY ALL OF IT BUT WE HAVE OTHER THINGS.
BOBCAT, THANKS!
"BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITS MISFITS & MONSTERS" IS ON TRUTV. BOBCAT
GOLDTHWAIT, EVERYBODY!
WELL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN KATIE HANNIGAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIAN MAKING HER NETWORK
TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME KATIE HANNIGAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU!
HI, EVERYBODY!
OH, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!
I AM HAPPY TO BE ANYWHERE!
WHOS LONELY?
OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER ) I NEED TO GET OUT MORE.
I KNOW.
BECAUSE I WAS GETTING THE TARGETED ADS ON MY INSTAGRAM FOR
THE DATING APPS, THE HOOKUP APPS.
NOW IM JUST GETTING A WEIRD ADD FOR A WEIGHTED BLANKET THAT
SIMULATES THE FEELING OF BEING HELD BY A PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
I KNOW, I BOUGHT IT.
IT IS SO HEAVY.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS THE CRAZY GIRL IN COLLEGE,
AND NOW IM JUST LIVING THAT EPILOGUE.
( LAUGHTER ) ANY LADIES YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
ROOFIED?
LATER YOU REALIZE YOU JUST HAD 18 COCKTAILS.
WHOOPSIE!
( LAUGHTER ) MORNING AFTER, YOUR FRIENDS ARE
CONCERNED.
WHAT DID YOU DRINK?!
THEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT -- IM, LIKE, I JUST HAD, LIKE, THREE OR
FOUR MARTINIS!
COUPLE DOUBLE GIN AND TONICS, LIKE SEVEN OR EIGHT SHOTS OF
PATRONE.
OH, I DRANK MEZCAL FROM THE BOTTLE -- BUT THEN I HAD A GLASS
OF WINE -- AND THAT WAS WHEN I STARTED LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS!
MY FRIENDS ARE, LIKE, GIRL!
YOU ROOFIED YOURSELF!
IM IN DENIAL, LIKE, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
SOMEONE ROOFIED ME!
THEN SAFELY ESCORTED ME TO MY EXBOYFRIENDS APARTMENT!
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THAT REALLY HAPPENED.
I KNOW.
EMBARRASSING.
SORRY, BRIAN!
HIS WIFE WAS MAD!
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE TO DRINK WHEN I GO OUT.
I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY.
HAVE YOU GUYS EVER FAKE SMILED SO HARD THAT, WITHOUT REALIZING
IT, YOUR FACE CON TORTS INTO A MASK OF FEAR?
( LAUGHTER ) IM THE WEIRD ONE WITH MY
GIRLFRIENDS.
GO OUT WITH THE LADIES, YOU PLAY "SEX IN THE CITY."
WHOS WHO?
ARE YOU KATY, CHARLOTTE?
UH, I THINK IM STEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) MY FRIENDS ALL HAVE HOUSES AND
FAMILIES.
I DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE.
I WENT TO PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION.
IT WAS $99.
IVE NEVER FELT HEALTHIER IN MY LIFE!
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I GET SICK, I JUST MAKE
CHICKEN SOUP OUT OF LOW-GRADE POULTRY AND I HOPE THE
ANTIBIOTICS SEEP OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I USED TO HAVE HEALTHCARE AT MY OLD JOB BEFORE I WAS A HILARIOUS
COMEDIENNE, THANK YOU.
I WAS A PRE-SCHOOL TEACHER FOR A LONG TIME.
WELL, THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
I TAUGHT PRE-SCHOOL FOR SIX YEARS.
THE WHOLE TIME, THE KIDS WERE TEACHING ME.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT I HATE KIDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY WHO LOVES KIDS.
I WAS IN THE PARK.
THIS BABY JUST WANDERS UP, SITS ON MY BLANKET.
I LOOK OVER.
HIS PARENTS ARE, LIKE -- HE LIKES YOU!
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE, OH, MY GOD!
AT WHAT POINT DO I TELL THEM THAT IM ON ACID?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OOOH, TICKLE TICKLE!
OH, IM KIDDING.
NOT ABOUT THE ACID.
BUT, UM -- NO, I DO LIKE KIDS.
I DO.
I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE KIDS OF MY OWN, BUT IM JUST FOCUSING ON MY
CAREER RIGHT NOW.
YOU CANT HAVE IT ALL, RIGHT, LADIES?
EVEN THOUGH THATS ONLY TWO THINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IM NOT IN A RUSH.
DATING FEELS LIKE WORK, DOESNT IT?
OH.
ESPECIALLY THAT FIRST DATE, YOURE JUST SITTING THERE,
SUBTLY TRYING TO FIND OUT IF THE MAN YOURE WITH IS A SOCIOPATH.
IM, LIKE, OH, SPORTS!
HA, HA, HA, HAVE YOU EVER HURT AN ANIMAL?
( LAUGHTER ) I NEVER WEAR MY GLASSES WHEN I
GO OUT ON A DATE, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOK SEXY --
( LAUGHTER ) AND ILLITERATE.
IM, LIKE, OOOH, DOES THIS MEAN YOU COME IN BRAILLE?
I CANT SEE.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST GOT GLASSES A FEW YEARS
AGO, AND, LET ME TELL YOU, EVERYTHING HAS COME TO LIGHT.
I FOUND OUT I HAD BEEN SENDING THE WINKING EMOJI, THE ENTIRE
TIME.
YEAH.
THAT REALLY CHANGES THE TONE.
OF YOUR CASUAL WORK EMAIL.
IM, LIKE, OOOH, RICHARD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE PRIVATE
MEETING IN YOUR OFFICE.
IT WAS SUPER HELPFUL.
HUH?
OH!
MYSTERY SOLVED!
APPARENTLY, I INITIATED THE HARASSMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW.
SORRY, EVERYBODY.
I HAVE KIND OF A LOT OF DARK JOKES FOR SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE
SHE OWNS A MUFFIN SHOP.
( LAUGHTER ) IM KATIE HANNIGAN!
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WEST SIDE COMEDY
CLUB IN MANHATTAN FRIDAY AUGUST 7th.
KATIE HANNIGAN, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THATS IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE ROB REINER!
NOW STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.
GOODNIGHT!