[Clap of thunder]
[Raln falllng]
[Eagle shrleks]
(male volce, narratlng) My name Is Charlle Wood.
I thlnk I made a blg mlstake.
(glrl) Hlgherl
(Charlle) I can't, sweetheart.
Any hlgher, and you're gonna hlt the moon.
And get a bump?
That's rlght, smart glrl, and get a bump.
Oh, hey!
Hey, Emily, look who it is.
H i, Isabella!
H i, Emilita.
There we go. HI, how are you?
Okay. I've got her lunch.
An extra thermos of apple juice. Her Elmo doll.
M r. Fizzles. Twelve grapes in a bag.
I got it, M r. Wood.
Thanks. I'll see you at 5: 00.
Right, sweetheart. Oome here.
H igh five.
[Door closes]
(woman) Flrst the Wyomlng Wldow,
and now the Oregon U ndertaker.
They just pulled a dead girl out of the reservoir.
God! Suicide?
If she chopped off her own arms and legs before strangllng herself
and then jumplng off the pler, then maybe.
Pen, I'm eating.
They're figuring it's the Oregon U ndertaker again.
That'll be the fourth girl in six months.
Each one mutilated and disemboweled worse than the last.
Pen! Pen!
Oh, sorry, baby.
Listen, Oharlie,
you don't have to do this, you know.
Of course I do. We can't go on living on one income anymore.
How many nights this week have you given Emily SpaghettiOs?
She likes SpaghettiOs.
Hey, baby, trust me. Once they buy your book, you're gonna...
Not a single publisher has called, Pen. Not a single one.
(man on radlo) The term "black hole" Is of very recent orlgln.
It was colned In 1969 by the Amerlcan sclentlst John...
[engine stops]
[Door squeaks]
[Alarm goes off]
[Alarm stops] [Clink]
(female volce) We handle nearly 200, 000 calls a day.
The hotlines to some of the biggest corporations in the country!
(operator #1) Centel Onllne, Melanle speaklng.
How can I help you?
(operator #2) Melanle speaklng. How can I help you?
(operator #3) My name Is Melanle Have a great day.
Do you only hire women named Melanie?
It's a trick of the trade.
Oallers like to think they get the same Service Rep.
This here is the Melanie and John section.
And you are over here with the Jeniffers and Stevens.
This is you.
What do you mean this is me?
I was told I had a supervisor position.
[Laughs]
You gotta spend six months in the trenches
before you can interview for supervisor.
But I have a Ph D. U h, surely...
Look, you want the job or not?
Yeah.
Great!
Gus here will help get you started. Okay, Steven?
It's Oharlie.
Sure is.
I n the file menu, do you see where it says "open"?
Okl-dokl. Can you open the "open" menu?
Oki-doki. Again, my name is Steven.
Thank you for calling Oentel. You have a great day.
(Charlle, narratlng) I actually llked Gus at flrst slght.
Welcome to hell, dick head.
Well, maybe not flrst slght.
I'm sorry?
Hell!
People hooked up to machlnes llke slaves.
And the smell? [Inhales]
It's pure underarm.
Okay. So, um, what do we do here?
[Telephone rings]
Oentel Online. Steven speaking. How may I help you?
Oki-doki, ma'am. Have you checked to see if your PO is on?
No, ma'am, I'm not a retard. That's the protocol...
Sorry? Oki-doki.
I'm gonna check that with my supervisor real quick,
and I'm gonna put you on hold.
You feel feisty, you whiny, little turkey-neck bitch?
Why don't you hop up on my dlck and bounce
and see If that flres up your monltor, sweetheart?
[Beep]
Hello, ma'am. Thanks for waiting.
I'm gonna transfer you over to our technlcal servlce department,
oki-doki? Please hold.
I n the kingdom of the blind,
the one-eyed dwarf is king.
That's my wife, Stephanie. Ex-wife. I keep forgetting.
And that there is my little daughter, Thais.
That's a pretty name.
Yes, it's Greek. It means "beloved."
Thais has this problem with her eye pressure, and, uh,
doctor said of she doesn't get a cornea transplant like in a year,
then, uh, she's gonna go blind.
Every year 65, 000 diabetics
develop proliferative retinopathy,
one of the leading precursors to blindness.
She's not diabetic.
So, are you gonna be able to afford the surgery before she...
Yeah, yeah, I hope so. If everything, you know, goes as expected.
What do you mean?
H uh?
I have a plan.
[Buzzer goes off]
Hell's bells.
(woman over phone) You see, Steven, I'm 66 years old now
and my husband Is asklng me to do It donkey style.
(Charlle) Okay, ma'am, um,
I'm going to transfer you to our technical department.
Please, hold. Good God!
Are you expecting a call?
U m... [beep]
Oentel Online. This is Oharlie.
How... uh, Steven. How can I help you?
(man over phone) Yeah, my I P address Is stuck on 169.
Okay. Sir, um,
have you checked to make sure your computer Is on?
Dldn't you hear what I just sald?
Yes. Oh, I P address. I P address.
Here we go.
Your I P address should start with 81.
So, does it?
I just told you It was stuck on 169.
Do they let the cleanlng lady answer the phone In there?
Don't "slr" me, asshole. J ust help me out wlth my fucklng problem I
Please, hold on a second while I check with our technical department.
Yes, sir, your wife is one of 3. 8% of American women
who secretly engage in regular online chats with a total stranger,
accompanied by vigorous masturbation.
My wlfe just dled three months ago.
But I'd llke to dlscuss that wlth your supervlsor, Steven.
[Punches buttons]
Hey. Oharlie? Wait, wait.
It's my fault.
Don't worry about it. I'll be alright.
Look, you know I said I had a plan.
Yep.
Why don't you come in on it with me?
You know, be like a parter or something, you know?
I sure as hell feel like I owe you one, man.
It's not anything illegal, is it?
Dickinson!
Look, meet me at the Monkey Wrench, 9: 00, okay? Yeah?
[Howe Gelb slngs But I Did Not] # Would I be awakened #
# Where the wrong Slde renders #
# But I dld not #
# Would I be dangllng # Toward demlse #
# But I dld not #
# Forgettlng about # The Innocent splendors #
# But I dld not #
# And rage # Bllndlng my eyes #
# But I dld not #
# Could I have slouched # I nto deceptlon #
# But I dld not #
(Gus) Choo-choo, Charllel
Hey, Mac. Two bottles of your finest mass- produced lager.
So?
Oome here.
So, [clears throat]
I stumbled across the data base at work.
The online history of each and every member of Oentel Online.
Look, this is their record. Everyone in the state
that went online in the last three months
and logged on to an illegal porn site.
Right? I figure there's gotta be somebody in here
willing to fork over some coin to keep things hush.
They all look the same.
Yet they're not.
"REV Neville Smalls." What's REV?
Reverend.
Exactly. It's brilliant, don't you think?
U m, you know, I, um,
I really don't thlnk I'm crlmlnal materlal, Gus.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We're talking about a so-called man of the cloth
who likes to watch teenage boys and girls take off their clothes
and have God-knows-who do God-knows-what to them.
Who's the real criminal here?
I tried to do things by the book, Oharlie,
and stomached the 9: 00 to 5: 00.
My daughter is about to go blind, Oharlie. Blind!
How much are you...
Fifty for me, fifty for you. An even hundred.
A hundred?
Thousand?!
Dollars?
It's not much to preserve one's reputation.
What if somebody gets hurt?
It's a completely nonviolent enterprise.
No harm done whatsoever. And pretty much all I need
is for you to be my alibi.
That's all?
That's all.
Okay, look.
You pick the blue one and you go back to your old life.
But plck the red one and you flnally get to be a free man.
But I must warn you. Once you eat the red one,
there's no turning back.
Yes! Great!
I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous about going solo.
Rule number one. Preparation is king.
More than anythlng else we wanna totally rule out the element...
Surprise!
Josie, how long were you sitting there?
Long enough to ask how you'd feel about bringing in a third.
(Charlle) Okay, here's the touchlng story
of how Gus met Josle.
U h, miss?
Yes, sir?
I'm gonna get the check.
Why?
Does the chef have curly hair?
No.
I'd better get the check.
You work at the call center, huh?
Yeah, how can you tell?
Well, half the town does.
You have that same look the rest of them do.
What look is that?
"How much longer 'till I drop dead...
so I don't have to go to my stupld job anymore."
That look.
Yeah, that'd be the one.
Are you from here?
No. Oklahoma!
Oh.
Oklahoma, right? What's that like?
Nowhere near as sexy as you.
I'll get that!
So, care to hear about our dessert special this evening?
[Moaning]
Jesus! You sure are a very forthright and smart girl, ain't you?
That's what they said last year
when they crowned me Mlss Teen Oklahoma.
Whoa... What?
Mlss Teen Oklahoma? What, last year?
Yeah.
How old are you?
Eighteen. More or less.
Is it more or is it less?
Well, less I guess.
Shit!
What the hell Is the matter wlth you?
You're a child, for Ohrissake's.
Do I look like a child?
H uh?
Alright, okay. Is there anything else you forgot to mention?
Who are you?
Oharlie Wood. Former coworker of Gus'.
Josle McBroom.
Gus and I were an item back in the day.
What?
I'm sorry, but what are we gonna do?
I want in.
Alright, read my lips, okay? No fucking way.
You guys can't do the job without me.
Because, dumdum, I'm the only one who can make the call.
If the preacher starts recording you on his answering machine,
the first thing they're gonna do is try and match it up
with the voice records from the call center.
You guys would be screwed, stuffed, and mounted.
Is that true?
Kinda.
How d'you work that out?
I told you. I was M iss Teen Oklahoma.
How much do you want?
Twenty thousand.
Twenty thousand? For making a phone call?
For making "the" phone call.
(Charlle) The average person makes about 1, 140 phone calls
each year. None of whlch go anythlng llke thls.
May I speak to the Reverend Smalls, please?
H i, Revered. Are you by any chance familiar with a website
that goes by the name of TeenOrgies. Com?
Or YoungAnd H ung. Com?
Someone who knows what the mouse plays when the wife's away.
Llsten, up, slcko. I have In my hand
a list of all your favorite sites, credit card number,
dates and times of all your connections.
So you'd better cut the crap.
What do I want?
[Whispers] One hundred thousand dollars.
Two hundred thousand?
(together) What?!
You heard me. I want $200, 000, cash.
Take it or leave it, Rev.
If I don't have my money by tomorrow evening,
the church newsletter next month's gonna be a doozy.
And I'll be sending somebody.
Well, now,
I think that somebody deserves to be made full partner, don't you?
Walt I
I took a chance and it worked.
Now we each get $ 70, 000.
It's actually 66, 666
follow by an infinite number of sixes.
Thanks, Rain Man. Right, look, from now on, okay,
anybody pulls any out-of-the-blue candy- ass stunt, she's out.
If we're partners, let's start acting like it.
This is the plan. I go get the money at 9: 00 P. M. Tomorrow.
At exactly the same tlme, Charlle enters the Monkey Wrench
and pretends that we ran out of gas on the road to Mlll Creek.
He also says that I'm on my way to the gas station,
the one that opens 24/7. Don't forget to say that.
Ten P. M., after I've stashed the money In a locker
at the rallways statlon, I come back and I tell everybody about my walk.
That way, if it comes up, Oharlie was at the bar, I was at the gas station.
The guy at the station will testify that he never saw you.
Sure. You know why? 'Oause he's blind.
Pretty brill.
(Gus) The followlng day we meet up at noon.
We divvy up the money and we all go our respective ways.
Okay, now, any questions?
Yeah. Why don't we just divvy up the money immediately?
Rule number two. Always let the dust settle after a job.
You've been reading "Blackmailing for Dummies"
or something?
Any questions?
Great. Rule number three.
No matter what happens,
always stick to the plan.
# The best thlngs I n llfe are free #
# But you can glve them To the blrds and bees #
# I need money #
(Charlle) The next day
mlght've been the longest one I'd ever known.
For the flrst tlme slnce I could remember
I'd be able to brlng securlty and happlness to my famlly.
# Your love glves me Such a thrlll #
# But your love Don't pay my bllls #
# I need money #
I couldn't tell you If what I felt pumplng through my velns
was fear or excltement.
(Penelope) So, M r. Supervlsor, talk to me.
Do you have a secretary?
Yep.
Is she pretty?
Pretty? U m, no. She's more nondescript.
What's her name?
Sharon.
Sharon what?
U m, Stone.
Sharon Stone?
I know.
So, how was your day?
Phenomenal. And to top It off
the F B I is sending in the eye.
The what?
The "who." Bionic supersonlc Speclal Agent
Ohester Hymes, F B I, aka "The Eye."
Whlch Is just what I need
with the U ndertaker case spinning out of control. No leads, no fingerprints.
Honestly, why some folks suddenly have to go and turn Into crlmlnals
is beyond me.
What if I did?
What if you did what?
If I became a criminal.
Like, if I, uh, I don't know,
stole some money or something?
I'd arrest you.
[Nervous laughter]
But, but let's say, um, let's say, I had to.
You know, like we had no other choice,
and I had to steal something, um,
because... because I had to. What, what then?
I'd arrest you.
Why?
Because a good cop always gets her man.
I'm serious, Pen. Why should...
Why should Emily have to put up with secondhand toys,
secondhand clothes, secondhand life?
Oharlie, you, you have your book.
You have me and Emily.
And that makes us rich.
[Laughs]
# Don't got A lot of tlme #
# Don't glve a damn #
# Don't tell me What to do #
# I am the man #
# If there's A God up there #
# Somethlng above #
# God shlne your Llght down here #
# Shlne on the love Love of the loveless #
# Love of the loveless #
H i.
Ohh, wooh, what a crazy night.
My car ran out of gas.
Are you gonna order something?
Sure. Beer, please.
One of your finest mass produced...
[knocks at the door] [Hinges squeak]
My friend, Gus, um...
You know Gus. Gus Dickinson.
Works at the, works down at the call center.
Reverend Smalls?
And that's where he is now.
Walking down that road to the station.
Reverend Sma...
[click]
- Alls.
The old blind guy who runs the station
keeps it open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Old bllnd guy Is celebratlng hls 80th blrthday tonlght.
Who the hell are you?
U h, I'm the guy that's here to collect the money.
[Coughs]
Gimme your gun.
I don't have one.
You come to get money from me and you ain't even packing?
Glve my regards to the blg bearded guy.
You don't mean Santa Olaus, do ya?
[Two shots]
[Dlstant barklng]
[Whispers] Gus!
[Hinges squeak]
[Low whisper] Gus?
[Louder whisper] Gus!
[Whispers] Oh, my...
(Josle) If It's you, Jose,
fuck off and don't call back.
Everybody else, please leave a message.
[Whispers] Josie. Josie! Pick up.
Josie. Josie, are you there?
We have a real problem here. Pick up.
[Beeplng]
(cholr) # Sanctus #
# Domlnus #
# Sanctus #
# Domlnus #
# Deus #
# Sabbaoth #
# Deus #
# Sabbaoth #
# Deus #
# Sabbaoth #
# Deus #
# Sabbaoth #
[whispers] Gus.
[Whispers] Gus.
Gus, are you there?
Gus!
[Whispers] Oh, my God! What happened?
What are you doing here?
What? The station's closed.
Our alibi? So I came here and I found...
Oalm down.
What the hell happened?
The bastard pulled a gun on me. He was gonna shoot me
and I grabbed the gun. It went off accidentally. No biggie.
No biggie?
I conked him on the head with a vase.
He's gonna wake up any minute now.
Oh, Gus.
I think I made a big mistake.
[Whispers] Did you call the cops?
I, I put him in the septic tank.
The corpse.
What corpse?
The Reverend's corpse.
The Reverend wasn't a corpse when I left him, Oharlie.
There was blood. I saw blood.
It was my blood. He shot me through the leg.
It went clean through the muscle.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you answer when I called you?
I was in the bathroom cleaning the wound.
Well, I checked his pulse.
I mean, well, maybe I missed it. I mean, 17%.
You missed it?
What? Oan't we get him out of the tank?
Oh, yeah. How long he's been down there?
Ten minutes tops. What?
I thought I said no matter what
stick to the fucking plan!
There wasn't anything in the fucking plan
about the blind guy's birthday and the Reverend in a pool of blood!
Let's calm down, okay?
What about you? Don't you need a doctor?
Yeah. Slightly more pressing matter to tackle first.
What are you doing?
He's crying.
Jesus, Gus, he's crylng
for what we've done. For our sin.
Jesusl Hall Mary, full of grace...
Bathtub.
Goddamn it!
Is that part of your plan, huh?
After you klll someone you take a nlce hot bath?
I didn't kill anybody, first of all. Second,
I don't go round praying to leaky ceilings!
Well, you know what? I'm having a tough time here, okay?
I just drowned a man of the cloth in crap!
Maybe I should just turn myself in.
Oh, no, no. Nobody is turning anybody in, okay?
Did you know the priest was alive when you killed him?
No!
There you go, then.
How could we have thought a Reverend would have $200, 000 in cash?
The average household savings of an American couple between 35 and 50
is $15, 256. I mean, it's...
Oharlie? Oharlie.
Shut up!
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no. Rule number four. Never return to the scene of the crime.
It's Josie's card. I left it by the phone.
Rule number five. If your partner turns out to be an idiot,
forget rule number four.
It's gone.
Got it.
Ouch! What the fuck!
Goddamn it! Ow!
(Charlle) Shouldn't we be golng?
Aren't you just a little curious?
[Moanlng]
Have a look rlght there.
Thls beauty, huh? Here we go.
[Laughs]
Look at thls.
Thls Is for you, alrlght? Alrlght?
She's an actress, right?
(Reverend) Shut up, alrlght? You llke thls, baby?
Do you llke thls? Do you llke to feel that?
Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what thls Is?
I am gonna carve your face up, huh?
[Shouts]
[Glrl laughs]
Shut up.
If I didn't know better, you know what I'd say it looks like?
Shut upl [bang]
A snuff film?
[Chalnsaw]
Holy Moly!
Who says "Holy Moly"?
Is it important right now?
This is why he was so keen to cop a deal,
'cause he's part of a snuff fllm rlng.
We gotta call the Police.
What are we gonna tell them we're doing in here?
If they find the body...
They're not gonna find the body.
The septlc tank was genlus. Look at It thls way.
We may have saved lives tonight.
What? You think he's the Oregon U ndertaker?
Who knows. But undertaker or not
he sure as hell got what he deserved.
Charlle. Charlle, walt I
[bell rlngs]
Do you mind if I come in?
What?
We found the Reverend's body.
It was an accident.
No, this was no accident.
Someone shot him three times in the head.
Left him in his car by the side of the road.
It's a, It's a horrld plll to swallow.
M urder always is.
I'm sorry. Are you certain that it's the Reverend Smalls?
We've got positive I D.
Then, who's...
Who's what?
Who is... safe
in this God forsaken world?
Are you family?
Yeah. No! J ust a friend.
A family friend.
And your name is?
Steven.
Steven Hawking.
M ind if I?
[Hinges squeak]
(Deputy) You're watchlng a D VD, huh?
Yeah. No.
I mean, did you know that D VD sales have risen
by 226% over the last six months?
Well, no.
But I sure am 100% glad to know that!
Thanks for the factoid.
So, um, can I, can I get you a drink?
Glass of H2O if you please, M r. Hawking.
(Deputy) There's some blood on the floor.
[Silent talking]
(Deputy) M r. Hawklng?
I broke a vase,
and accidentally cut my arm on one of the shards.
Look.
Whoa, doggy.
That hurts just looking at it.
What are you doing?
J ust getting a sample. Standard procedure, of course.
[Woman on radlo] Detectlve Wood's expectlng you back at the statlon.
(Deputy) Copy that.
Detective Wood, always breathing down my neck.
Ain't had a good poke in a while, if you ask me.
I'm not asking. But whatever.
Well, I'd better get a move on.
M m. What a beautiful night.
You can almost touch those stars, huh?
Yeah.
Although even if you were traveling the speed of light
it would take you 1,460 days to reach the closest one.
Is that right?
Well, you are just a walking factoid factory, partner.
[Laughs]
You have yourself a good night.
You, too, Officer.
Oh.
Would you mind if I took a gander at that D VD you were watching?
Ouriosity killed the cat, Officer.
Actually in my line of work,
the cat gets a raise and a promotion.
[Slnglng opera]
My nine-year-old loves this one.
Specially this part with this singing cow.
[Laughs]
I've got to admit, Steven.
For a minute there, I thought you were hiding something.
Kind of looks like something got dragged here, don't it?
You wanna come with me?
I need you to lift this up for me, Steven.
Officer, you don't wanna...
Open it.
So much for the raise and the promotion, Officer.
There we go.
See, I knew Oolumbo here would come back for the D VD.
Okay. What do we do with him?
I've a better question. Who is in the septic tank?
How do I know? Oheck the papers in the morning.
See who turns up missing.
And then what, Gus? We killed somebody.
Oh, now, you killed somebody.
Well, you kidnapped a cop.
Oh, yes. Yes, I did. What do you propose?
I'm turning myself in.
You realize they'll charge you with the real Reverend's murder.
I had nothing to do with that!
What do they care? Makes it all nice and neat for them.
No messy loose ends! I bet good money they'll be all
"Gawshdarnit, we done finally caught us the U ndertaker."
You'll be spitting fire and crying sparks in no time.
Enough. Let's not make this any worse than it is.
Oharlie, how could this be any worse?
You're not going anywhere.
You gonna shoot me, Gus?
I got a family, too, Oharlie.
I am not going to jail.
I am golng to shoot you, Charlle.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am!
No, you're not.
Yes, I am!
[Hlnges squeak]
Shit!
Ah, I knew you wouldn't...
I wouldn't do that.
Who the hell are you?
Conslderlng that I llve here, young man,
I think the question is, "who the hell are you?"
It's not what you think, M rs. Smalls.
We're not burglars.
Look, we have some terrible news.
Your husband, the Reverend,
has passed on.
I went through the trouble of putting three bullets in his head,
I should certalnly hope so.
M rs. Smalls, you've the rlght to remaln sllent.
Oh, please.
So you killed him?
I spent years turning a blind eye to that pervert's, uh,
shall we say "film- making aspirations"?
Max and I felt we deserved a share of hls beneflts.
Who's Max?
A real man.
We're meeting here, and then we're going somewhere
where we'll never worry about anythlng ever agaln.
U m... [clears throat]
What?
I think he may already be there.
What are you talking about?
He never would've left without me.
Didn't really have a choice.
It was an accident. Would you shut up?
Why don't you both shut up?
Alright. Where is the money?
Sorry? What money?
Two million dollars in cash doesn't just vanish.
Two m...
Yeah, where is it?
Oh, dear.
I guess I'll just have to count to three. One.
M rs. Smalls, don't.
Tell her where it is.
We don't know!
Two.
[Yelling]
Well, I'll be... I haven't heard Pink Floyd in years.
Well, Pa, time to fire up the old septic tank.
(Josle) Oh, by the way,
anyone care to tell me what happened exactly?
Sure. Oharlie drowned the Reverend who he thought was dead,
even though he wasn't,
in the septic tank.
He wasn't even the real Reverend.
The actual Reverend was being murdered by his wife,
the woman whose head you just split with an axe. Stellar timing by the way.
She confessed to planning to run away with her lover, Max,
recently deceased thanks to Oharlie.
And the two million sum of dollars her husband the Revered raised
from his side venture in shooting and selling snuff films. Oki-doki?
Groovy!
"Groovy"?
Three people died tonight, Josie.
I n this business, unfortunately, death is an occupational hazard.
And by the way, way to go using my name in front of the cop.
Oharlie.
(Deputy) Look, um, I can help.
I'll testlfy that I heard M rs. Smalls confess to kllllng her husband.
And as for M r. Smalls herself,
she was threatenlng the llfe of a pollce offlcer.
What about the guy in the tank?
You killed him by accident.
You wouldn't do much tlme at all.
Five years tops.
(Josle) Oh, my God I
[laughs]
Well, that doesn't suck.
I have to hand it to you.
That was a brilliant plan, after all.
(Gus) Can you belleve lt? We're rlch.
You guys can keep my share.
I'm gonna turn myself in. If I go to jail, I go to jail.
Don't be ridiculous. You earned this.
They're gonna hunt us down like animals.
With this kind of money you can disappear and never be found.
I have a wife and daughter. I don't wanna disappear.
No. Okay, fine. Gus and I will leave the state
and we'll just drop you and the Deputy in the middle of nowhere.
Shouldn't we get rid of the Deputy?
What?
Since he's the only one who can testify we're innocent of the murders.
Okay, M iss Teen Oklahoma. Then...
(Deputy shoutlng) Helpl
Help!
# It was a long Long hour #
# I n a long long year #
# It took a tlme To get out of the rut #
# And the long gone power Got you bendln' over #
# And It's tlme To get out of the rut #
# I sald can #
# Thls nlght go on #
Yes! Hold his head.
What are you doing?
J ust helping him to relax a little.
# Go on and on And on #
# To the next You are headlng #
# Rlght In for the crash And the burn and the fear #
# On to the door where The lock Is all locked #
(Josle) My frlend here declded to surrender.
So we're gonna drop you both "somewheres" nlce and say goodbye.
You're making a big mistake.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, wait.
I gotta go pee.
Please.
The handcuffs.
I n your dreams.
There are certain requirements.
[Unzips pants]
[Laughs]
There. Enjoy.
I'm sorry.
I can't go if you're, um, watching.
Oould you just close?
Stage fright. It happens to the best of us.
[Muffled mlxed volces]
(Gus) One mlnute warnlng.
You dropped this.
No, I can explain.
(Charlle) Get up, partner.
What the hell's the matter with you?
It's a flight to Vegas. 8: 00 A. M. Tomorrow.
We were supposed to meet at noon to spllt up the money.
That asshole broke my nose.
You'd better have a friendly explanation.
Alright, okay.
I lied about Thais needing a cornea transplant.
She's fine.
I owe my wife 300, 000 bucks.
I'm sorry?
I owe my ex-wlfe $300, 000.
And because of that snake of a lawyer of hers
there's a restralnlng order agalnst me untll I pay up.
I have not seen or talked to my daughter in two years.
Why didn't you tell me?
Would you have helped?
Of course not.
[Glass smashlng] [Tollet flushes]
Oh, my God.
There goes our alibi.
U h-uh. Freaking fantastic!
Don't you see? None of us has to run away
or turn ourselves in.
What do you propose? We roam the country
living on the land like Bonnie and Olyde and Olyde?
No. Flrst we take the cop's car
and crash it into a tree up the road.
Then we take hlm and the Reverend's wlfe and put hlm In her car
and then we push it over the cliff.
But they'd find the car in a couple of days.
Yeah, and what would the forensic figure?
The Deputy was driving under the influence of alcohol,
crashed into a tree, flagged down another car
drlven my M rs. Smalls. He took control of the wheel
and drove them off the cliff.
And the wounds, I mean,
they'll be more than covered by the crash.
The Reverend gets murdered on the very same night
that his wife gets driven off the cliff by a drunken cop?
What about that doesn't sound very accldental?
He has a point, for once.
Okay, um.
Okay. Then we plant M rs. Smalls' gun in the car with them.
They figure out it was the weapon that killed the Revered.
They think maybe she had an affair with the Deputy.
Maybe they decided to off the poor Revered,
and then, you know, maybe they had and accident.
That's a hell of a lot of "maybes".
Let's hear your bright idea then, boss.
Ah! Hooh!
Old broad sure liked her food.
(Josle) Fancy body bagsl
Are you sitting here eating a lollipop?
I didn't have any dinner. I need the sugar.
Ow!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Let's just get this done.
# Hands on the Blble #
# Scatter llke a chlld #
# And God Holds you llable #
# For what you've done #
# Homlcldal #
# Stare down Your Idols #
# Pretty baby #
# Never born #
# You can't belleve It #
# You dldn't mean It #
# But they Saw you do It #
# And they know Your name #
# Rats In the attlc #
# Toys In the cellar #
# She's an addlct #
# And he wants To learn #
# Hands on the Blble #
# Egomanlacal #
Are you going slow?
We don't wanna attract attention now, do we?
No, we don't wanna go back in time now, do we?
Actually it's only by going faster than light
that one could even theoretlcally go back In tlme.
Do me a favor. Shut the fuck up!
You seem to have some serious stress related issues.
You're not Oanadian by any chance, are you?
What?
Well, the 2003 Statistical Report on the health of Oanadians
states that 62% of...
What the hell is wrong with you?
You keep pulllng these random, rldlculous facts and stats
out of your ass and it's, like, nobody really gives a shit!
Jesus Ohrist, man! Here's a nifty little stat for you.
For a guy that knows everythlng about everythlng.
To get a job In a call center, you have to be bar-none,
the biggest loser I have ever met in my life!
And I'm from Las Vegas!
You ever hear of a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine?
A what called what?
It's the chemlcal your braln uses for memory, dummy.
Does it?
Yeah, it's exactly right.
The reason I lost my teachlng job Is I have thls dlsorder
typified by a gradual, acute neuro-degeneration of the cerebral cortex.
Or if that's too pulled out of my ass for you,
I'm slowly loslng my memory.
Are you making this up?
The doctors think that in a year or two
my mlnd wlll be a total blank.
So the only thing I could do to slow things down
is to keep working my memory as much as possible.
Do you remember what's In the blue bag?
What blue bag?
[Chuckles]
Jeez guy, I, I'm really sorry, you know.
Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word for "bullshit"?
You son of a bltch I
Stop it!
[Horn honking]
Are you fucking crazy?
He lied to us again! He doesn't have a daughter!
You probably don't even have an ex-wife, do you?
Is everyone okay In there?
We're fine. Everything's fine.
So, thanks for coming over.
I think we should call the Police.
What? No! No, come on, let's not bother them.
They've got a lot on their plate.
You're fine. Your car's fine. So...
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's standard procedure, isn't it?
I'll be honest with you. I don't give a rat's ass about standard procedure.
So here. Why don't you, uh,
why don't you pack your fat ass back in your car, okay?
And go buy yourself as big a sandwich as your heart desires.
That's standard enough procedure for you?
Your trunk is open.
Are you all going on a trip somewhere?
Sure looks like you're packed for a long one.
Is that your entire wardrobe you got in there?
It's a couple of dead bodies.
[Laughs]
That was a good one. That was good.
I'm glad you liked it.
[Watch beeping] Oh, Jeez.
Oh, it's time for old stingy.
What?
Oh, it's insulin.
Whatever.
[Car door Is opened and closed]
Freak show I
Ow!
You son of a bitch!
Granted, I lied.
But I have responsibility towards myself.
When I got out of prlson, I swore...
What? You were in prison? For what?
I kind of convinced some people to invest in some businesses
that weren't actually, technically in existence.
Anything else you forgot to mention, sociopath?
Oome on! Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
Overreacting?
I happen to be a very good con man!
That's my talent. What do you want me to do, waste it?
You don't go around using it on your partners, jerk.
You know, I bet Gus isn't even your real name, is it?
What is it? No, no, really. I'd love to know.
My mother, God rest her soul, named me after Augustus.
(cholr) # Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Et terra glorla tua #
# Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Glorla tua #
# Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Et terra glorla #
# Plenl sunt caell #
(Gus) Maybe she jumped out of the trunk somewhere.
She didn't jump out of any trunk. She's fucking dead.
Did you check her pulse?
No.
Why didn't you check her pulse?
Because, Charlle, stupld me,
I assumed that when you have an axe lodged in your skull,
your pulse tends to bottom out on you.
You shouldn't assume so much.
J ust settle down, kids, right?
All that matters now is that we find her before someone else does.
Try and keep it on the road this time.
Hey, fuck you! Fuck you both!
When people ain't sucker-punching me in the eye,
my driving is just perfect, thank you very much.
[Thump] [Tyres screech]
Want me to check her pulse?
[Slren walllng]
Oharlie?
H i, honey.
(Pen) What are you dolng here?
What are you doing here?
Well, we received an anonymous call reporting a body in the middle of the road.
We just ran over it.
H i. I'm Josie McBroom.
I thought you were having a drink with your supervisor.
Technlcally, I'm J unlor Supervlsor,
but they did place Oharlie under my tutelage.
And you must be...
Penelope Wood. Detective Penelope Wood.
Of course. Oharlie has told me a lot about you.
Did he mention that he has a little girl
and that I had to brlng her wlth me
because there was nobody home to look after her?
Now, what happened exactly?
Well, we were driving into town,
and all of a sudden, bang, you know,
we ran over this body here.
There was nothing I could do to avoid her.
No one, no one could have.
I swear, she just popped out of nowhere.
And you are?
I'm Gus. Gus Dickinson, that's my name.
Ooworker of Oharlie's.
Who are you calling?
My Deputy.
[Cell phone rlngs]
Aren't you gonna answer that?
U h-uh. It's probably just my ex-boyfriend.
Freaking stalker, you know.
Deputy Garman, Detective Wood here.
You need to report in immediately.
[Cell phone rlngs]
Detectlve Wood.
Where?
Shit.
The eye is at the station.
Alright. I want you all to follow me down there.
I'm gonna need your statements.
Oan't that wait 'till tomorrow?
Lt'll be a lot more productive
if we had like a good night's sleep, right?
[Slren walllng]
You might have mentioned the part about your wife being a detective.
Yeah, Gus. You might have mentioned the part
about not owing alimony to your imaginary ex-wife,
and your imaginary daughter not really going blind.
Touch��.
(Pen) Everyone, thls Is Speclal Agent, Chester Hymes.
Well, can you beat this?
My friends with the bodies in the trunk.
It's an inside joke. We ran into each other earlier.
How do you do? I'm ready when you are.
Oharlie, can you look after Emmy for a second? You two, follow us.
We're screwed.
Nobody is screwed if we keep our story straight.
We had a few beers at Gus' place. That's the end of it.
Got it?
Got it.
Gus. We're screwed.
Do you think Special Agent H ippo is gonna figure anything out
more than where to find a really great buffet?
These abrasions on her knees and elbows
indicate a leap from a moving vehicle. We can deduce
that M rs. Smalls' would-be klller
presupposed her already dead
when she was transported by automobile.
Are you alright, M r. Dickinson?
U m, yeah, yeah. This is a first dead body for me.
And I drunk beers at my place.
Other than the axe wound, which judging from the angle of entry
came from a much shorter person, possibly female,
nothing here indicates any sort of fisticuffs ever took place.
I can safely say that M rs. Smalls' murderer can be found
within this very room.
(Pen) What?
J ust a figure of speech. What I mean to say is her body
will tell me who her killer is
after a more thorough examination.
However, I can hazard a name rlght now.
Please do.
I'm sure It wlll come as no surprlse that her klller
is none other than
the Oregon U ndertaker.
Well, we all could've flgured that out, Agent Hymes.
I ndeed.
Everythlng's gonna be okay, sweetle.
(Charlle) Hey.
So, I guess I'll take Emily home?
Why don't you leave her here with me?
Yeah, but I can easily...
Good night.
Wait!
You're not going anywhere, little lady.
Not without your coat.
Would anyone care to say something?
J ust take me home.
No way. We've got a dead cop to ditch first.
I don't care about the cop.
I don't even care about the money anymore.
I just wanna go home and pretend this never happened.
Yeah, it hasn't exactly been a run of the mill night on the town, has it?
All I wanted was to take care of my family.
Okay, Oharlie.
The sooner we dispose of the Deputy's body,
the sooner you can get started on your pretend happily ever after.
How does that sound?
[Message box] You've reached Deputy Stu Garman.
Leave your statement after the beep.
Oome on, sweetheart. It's time to go home.
[Whispers] Oh, Oharlie.
Are you sure he'll actually sink in there?
Absolutely.
You done this before?
Never.
U nrefined, unheated tar has a viscosity grade of 250, 000.
What does that mean? He won't sink?
No, he'll sink.
It might take a week or so, but he'll sink.
Well, better get started then.
(Hymes) Hold It I
You followed us.
I flgured It would be a llttle more expedlent
than listening to a heap full of bull-pucky testimony.
I guess I was rlght, just llke always.
Listen, um, Agent Hymes.
You let us go and there's a million dollars with your name on them.
Are you offering a Federal Agent bribe?
Yeah.
Thanks, little lady.
Gus? Oome over here for a sec, would you?
Tell me I'm fat.
[Laughs] I was joking.
I wanna hear you tell the fat guy how fat he is.
I was kidding, alright?
You might be a little on the heavy side, you know,
but it's nothing a few centuries jogging can't fix.
Son of a bltch I
Sorry. Dld that plnch?
The official version is that Gus here attacked me
during an arrest, and I was defending myself.
Stupid walrus.
The official version is that Gus tripped
and fell on his face during the arrest.
There's $2 million in a bag in the car.
It's all yours. J ust take lt.
Oan you beat that? One million just became two million.
And people sald thls economy would never bounce back.
Ahhh!
Shoot him in the fucking eye!
Shut up!
Wait!
Don't move.
I know who you are.
I thought you looked familiar.
Fellas, your accomplice here is Lucy Broom,
aka Lucy McJoseph, aka Josie McBroom.
What are you talking about?
You're the Wyoming Widow.
What?
Gentlemen, the Wyomlng Wldow's M O Is always the same.
She seduces an unsuspecting fellow.
She fornicates with him.
Then she offers up a llttle slp of whlskey.
The poor sucker never lives long enough to realize
that he also just drank hlghly concentrated thalllum.
You've been watching too many soap operas, Agent Hymes.
You're not actually believing this crap, are you?
They say that she always keeps her trusty flask on her person.
J ust In case the next bug flles Into her web.
Bull! Oome on!
He's just making this crap up to save his ass!
I could've sworn I felt one Inslde of her coat pocket
back in the station.
Empty your pockets, Josie.
Oharlie!
Holy shit!
You planted this in my coat back at the station, didn't you?
No, I didn't. I swear to God I didn't.
Thls Isn't mlne.
He is lying. He is lying!
Take a drink.
Oh.
(Gus) Take a slp, Josle.
There.
Are you ha...
(Gus) Josle? Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Josle, Joslel
Josle, come on, splt It out I
[laughs]
You are so pathetic!
That was not funny! Get off.
You dumb shits! I told you he was trying to mess with us!
Fuck! Fuck!
[Slnglng In German]
Jesus!
[Gun clanks]
I think that belongs to U ncle Sam.
Hold on. We're on the same side here, Ohester.
I'm an agent, too.
When the hell did you take that off me?
Back at the station.
Listen. Here's the thing, Gus.
There's a friend of mine, an agent, one of the best.
He's been protecting the innocent for a long time now.
And, well,
he's gotten fed up with working his ass off
for ungrateful morons who call him "fatty."
The pat on the back If thlngs go rlght,
or the stars and stripes on his coffin if they don't
just doesn't cut it anymore.
I have two million here.
Believe me when I say no one will ever claim it.
Tell your friend there's a million for him and a million for me.
What about two million for him and nuts for you?
Oh, come on, Ohetty. We're partners here.
You insult me, Gus.
You're not even a real criminal.
You're just a small-time crook
who got shot twice in the chest resisting arrest.
Listen, I have a daughter, Thais.
Thais?
That's Greek for "beloved."
[Shoots twice]
You shot me!
That's the first true thing you've said yet.
[Thump]
What took you so long?
Mommy?
It's all right, sweetheart.
Go back to sleep.
[Hymes splttlng]
Please.
You know I can't eat this much sugar.
You shouldn't do thls.
Like you shouldn't have killed Gus?
(Charlle) Keep eatlng.
Gus was a backstabber.
He told me he was gonna kill you,
and make off wlth the money.
That's why I kllled hlm.
I saved your life. I'm telling you the truth.
Eighty nine point nine percent of all U S Government Agents
can beat a lie detector.
Please. This isn't right, Oharlie.
You know thls Isn't rlght.
Your wife is an officer of the law.
Shut up. Shut the fuck up!
[Watch beeps]
U h, oh, God.
I don't wanna dle. [Sobs]
I don't wanna die...
[gasps]
Please.
[Retches]
God, we really did it, huh?
What?
We really turned into monsters.
Oh, Oharlie.
[Dlstant barklng]
Oh, come on.
I'd say it was worth it.
Let's get the body in the car.
It's heavy enough to sink now.
No, wait.
There's still one passenger missing.
You said you wanted to pretend none of this ever happened.
One sip at this,
you can kiss all your worries goodbye.
The Wyoming Widow?
Yeah.
But I saw you drink it.
[Laughs]
Never far from my trusty flasks!
Brilliant.
After all I was M iss Teen Wyoming.
Now, obviously I can't let you go
and risk having you report me.
And fuck!
Two million does sound a heck of a lot nicer than one million.
You were right, Penny.
What's that?
Penelope always said, "Money won't make you rich."
I just, I just didn't believe her.
You do seem like a genuinely decent guy, Oharlie.
I'm real sorry I gotta do this.
You don't have a choice, do you?
No, I don't. But you do.
You want me to shoot you,
or you wanna go for the whiskey?
What did Hymes said you used?
Ooncentrated thallium. M uch quicker than cyanide.
Any last words, Oharlie?
Don't spend it all in one place.
What?
[Coughs]
What?
No!
No! No!
What? Fuck off! You fuck!
[Shouts]
# What do I do To be close to you #
# What am I dolng For your love #
[telephone rlngs]
(Charlle on message box) Charlle, Penelope, and Emlly
can't come to the phone rlght now. Please, leave us a message.
(Samuel) Thls Is a message for Charlle Wood.
Charlle, my name Is Samuel Koenlng.
I'm Senlor VP of Barstow Publlshlng's Dlvlslon here In Seattle.
Llsten, I'm calllng In regard to thls book you've sent us,
Build a Better Brain and Beat the Big Nothing.
Seems to me llke It's a no-bralner. Hal
Serlously though, we have an offer for you,
and we certalnly thlnk you'll be happy wlth lt.
Call us back at your earllest convenlence.
# I've been travellng #
# I n far off lands #
# You are the only Thlng that I mlss #
# And the sun #
# Stretches out ahead #
# And tlme Takes lts tlme #
# If don't come Back then #
# I'm comlng To make you mlne #
[honks horn]
H i.
H i. Where are you headed?
As far away from here as possible.
I think that one we can do for you.
This must be my lucky day.
U h, let me just double check something real quick.
[Laughs]
All set.
Alrighty.
# Born to be down #
# I've learned All my lessons Before now #
# Born to be down #
# I thlnk you'll get Used to It #
# And you just Don't get It #
# You keep It copacetlc And you learn To accept It #
# You know It's so pathetlc #
# And you just Don't get It #
# You keep It copacetlc And you learn To accept It #
# You know It's so pathetlc #
(dlrector) And actlon.
[Silent talking]
Agaln.
U h, agaln.
H i.
[Shouts]
[Laughter]
[Straining]
Aaah!
No!
I've got him.
(male volce) Whoa, whoa, whoal
Don't move. Whoa, whoa, whoa.