"Tell your children..."
"Marijuana, America's new drug menace."
"A trained medical technician will be in attendance."
"As certain scenes, may cause undue excitement in the faint of heart."
This had better not be a stag film.
"Trained medical technician" What's in this movie?
I asked the fellow to let me watch it ahead of time,
But he said it would spoil the emotional impact.
A real showman, that one.
You haven't seen it?!
Well - You're the principal, short!
You're showing the doggone thing in your school.
What if he turns out to be some kind of huckster?
Oh, no, mr. Mayor. This guy's on the up-And-Up.
He works with some federal agency.
He had a letter and everything.
Federal, huh?
I guess it's okay, then.
E- Exactly what I thought.
Mah-Ree-Jew-Ee-Nah.
Mah-Ree-Jew...
Jew?
Mah-Ree - Oh!
Mah-Ree-Jew-A...
Excuse me, do you know how to say this word?
I don't speak mexican.
Mary-Jew...
Good evening.
Good evening. Good evening.
I want to thank you all for braving the weather.
And coming out tonight.
Over the years, your Benjamin Harrison High School...
Has hosted numerous functions.
Graduations, for example...
Your annual christmas pageants...
The drama club's recent and, so I'm told,
Highly-lauded presentation of "Green Grow the Lilacs."
But no purpose this room has ever served
is more important than that which brings myself
and my able assistant, mr. Blumsack,
To your community tonight.
I assume worthy parents like yourselves
have photos of your kids in your wallets, right?
Can you take them out now and look at them?
Fine-Looking young lad.
My, she's the spitting image, isn't she?
You all looking carefully?
Good...
For those pictures before you
are the designated targets of a deadly assassin.
An assassin of youth,
A new drug menace
destroying our children in alarmingly increasing numbers.
Marijuana is that drug.
A vile narcotic, an unspeakable scourge,
The real public enemy number-One.
Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doors
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
Voraciously devouring the way things are today
Savagely deflowering the good old USA
It's reefer madness
Reefer madness
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
See the kids
Precious kids
Yes, their heads are on the chopping block
And someone's got to dare to take a stand
Can't ignore anymore
It could be your son or daughter
With a deadly stick of reefer in the hand
They're heading straight for
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Save our kids
Stealthy as a socialist, it slithers up our shores
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
This smoking bowl of evil
Bears the choking stench of sin
It burrows like a weevil under tender christian skin
This
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Pull the wool from your eyes
We're in need of righteous soldiers
For this merry wonder has to be destroyed
Fight the urge of this scourge
It's destructive but seductive
So some drastic measures have to be employed
To put an end to
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Deadly as the democrats that empty out our stores
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
Teenagers across the land are glazed and oversexed
If you fail to draw the line, your babies will be next
Oh
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Tell your children!
Reefer madness
Fight the menace!
Reefer madness
Kill the Devil!
Reefer madness
Save the country!
Reefer madness
Madness, madness, madness, madness
Reefers made us crazy, barking
Mad!
Some of you may think I'm overreacting.
I'll say.
I think you've come to the wrong town, pal.
That kind of thing isn't a problem around here.
You don't know our kids.
You'd be surprised how often I hear that
What makes this particular drug so dangerous.
Is that there are no forbidding needles or snorting powders.
Children smoke a reefer stick,
Thinking it to be an ordinary, perfectly harmless cigarette.
The kind we all used to enjoy as teenagers.
And before you can say "Jack Robinson,"
They are enslaved!
But don't take my word for it.
Here are the shocking, sordid facts.
And judge for yourselves.
The filmed presentation you are about to witness.
Chronicles the harper affair,
A true story exhaustively documented.
In the fine newspapers of Mr. William Randolph Hearst.
A true story.
That took place in a town very much like your own.
Meet Jimmy Harper,
An upstanding young lad of some 16 summers...
Well-Mannered, hard-Working,
An all-Around credit to the community.
Right now, jimmy's hurrying to school,
Hoping to run into a very special young lady...
Mary Lane.
Mary was a healthy young miss of good, american breeding stock,
God-Fearing, civic-Minded, and very much in love.
Just a harmless old turtle.
See?
Off you go.
I thought it was a rat.
Can I carry your books? Thanks.
Yes, Mary and Jimmy.
Were destined to share a love that would last a lifetime.
Tragically, it would be the brief lifetime.
Of a fruit fly.
It's sweet of you to help me study "Romeo and Juliet," Jimmy.
Without your help, come exam time,
I would have been on a trip for biscuits.
Well, it's my pleasure.
Where would you like to start?
Probably the "proo-Low-Gwee."
Proo-Low-Gwee?
Oh, I think you mean "prologue."
I keep getting that confused with "mon-Tay-Gwee."
That's not even a real word.
I looked it up in two different dictionaries.
Montague... It's Romeo's last name.
You are so smart.
My mother says you're a boy who's going places.
Uh... you don't talk about me to your mother, do you?
I talk about you to everybody.
Forsooth, fair Juliet,
Would'st thou likest yon hot chocolate?
Oh, Jimmy, wherever did you learn to speak like that?
It's fancy talk from "Romeo and Juliet,"
'Cause when a guy wants to woo a girl,
He needs, you know, the right language.
Are you trying to woo me, Jimmy Harper?
I need words to tell you about my pounding heart
$4 words that make a guy sound smart
Well, I guess that's why they invented Shakespeare
His articulations of a lover's palpitations are so keen
My bounty is as boundless as the sea
My love as deep, the more I give to thee
Oh, you sound so dreamy when you talk like Shakespeare
A big vocabulary
Should be customary when you fall in love
La la la la la la la, you're a snowy dove
La la la prodigious birth of love
La la la la la hip, hooray for Shakespeare
Sure as I am breathing
You can make elizabethan language fun
We are just like Romeo and Juliet
We're happy, young, and bubbling with love
I can't wait to read the ending
I can't, either, but I'm sure it turns out real swell
I bet Romeo
Marries his Juliet
They have a baby
and make lots of friends
That's probably the way the play ends
You dot'h teach the torches how to burn real bright
Hanging like a jewel upon the cheek of night
Hark, what light through yonder window breaks here?
We'll be future spouses
Put a plague on both our houses if we're wrong
Shakespeare!
The sad truth is that if our schools
spent less time indoctrinating our children in the works of...
Bill Shakespeare...
And focused instead on the work of a far superior author...
Well, things might have turned out differently.
And the delicate heart of young love.
Might not have been stabbed.
Stabbed and pinned to the shameful corkboard of...
The reefer den!
Come on, Mae.
Get up off your duff.
What time is it, Jack?
Time to give this place a going-Over.
It looks like the marines have landed.
That bunch last night was high enough
To take over the marines and the navy.
Party's over, Sally.
What a night...
I was in more laps than a napkin.
Great, now the damn baby's awake.
Hold your water!
Mama's coming.
Hold your wa- Ooh!
Oh... oh...
Damn stairs.
Oh!
Yeah!
Look at all this weed!
Pastures of plenty!
Keep your ham hooks off my product.
Just checking for bugs.
Aah! Aah!
Need a better class of clientele.
At least they're old enough to know what they're doing...
Not like some of those young kids you bring up here.
Ah, stop squawking at me.
You got more static than the radio.
I'm gonna press bricks over to the five-And-Dime,
Bring back a couple more kids.
You got a problem with that?
Well, maybe I do.
You better tune me in and get my signal right.
Around here, I call the shots.
Jack...
Oh, that's right...
Almost forgot.
You can't get through the morning.
Without a little toot, can you?
See you in the funny papers.
I ought to leave him
But something makes me stay
It's the stuff
I'd try to kill him
But my guy gives me love
And the stuff
Sometimes he's rough
He throws me down the stairs
But deep inside he cares
He buys me lingerie
And the stuff
Oh, oh, oh
I was a student
Good grades and so naive
'Till the stuff
A handsome stranger
Some empty promises
Lots of stuff
But I don't get hooked
I'm not addicted, no
I just enjoy the glow
I like to have my fun
No harm to anyone
Though the fun sometimes escapes me
When Jack gets stoned and rapes me
Nothing numbs me better than the stuff
Oh, oh, oh
Than the stuff
In the latest issue of Scientific American,
The Federal Bureau of Narcotics tells us that marijuana
possesses an addictive power beyond even that of heroin or cocaine.
Yes?
Are you sure about your facts there?
No, no.
Why do you ask, mr...
Kochinski.
My wife's cousin had himself a problem with the heroin,
And I done some reading, and let me tell you,
There's nothing more addictive than that stuff.
Kochinski...
Russian name...
Isn't it?
It was polish.
Actually, it's polish.
Of course.
I certainly applaud
Your brave unwillingness to believe something
Simply because it's printed in a silly magazine
With the word "American" in the title.
You stand as a shining example to your comrades...
And the rest of us.
Well, my wife might have mixed up the story.
I- I think it was marijuana that her cousin was hooked on.
It's bad - It's bad stuff.
Bad stuff, indeed.
Would that it had been mere heroin...
For, ladies and gentlemen,
Marijuana is an insidious master.
Seeking slaves not in the dark jungles of Africa,
But right here in each of our 48 states.
After school has let out we just like to get out
To the place where Jitterbugging's always in style
Satchmo is a-Singing, dorsey is a-Swinging
A syncopated wonderland that brings on a smile
Come and stretch your dance abilities
Nobody is feeling ill at ease
When your toes are tapping, anything can happen
down at the old Five-And-Dime
Dancing, dancing
Razzmatazz that always has you sashaying, swaying
Buy your gal some jujubes, she'll be swooning
Spooning down at the old Five-And-Dime
If you're feeling gloomy, glide on over to me
Try the finest cherry fizz in all of the land
My After-School oasis gets the hopeless cases
Hopping and a-Bopping to the Five-And-Dime band
You can buy yourself a pack of smokes
Laugh at all my corny knock-Knock jokes
Gotta take the gang out to the local hangout
Where Benny Goodman is king
So, you really gonna give her your school ring?
And how!
Boy, that Mary Lane is one slinky piece of homework,
An e-Flat dillinger,
A hop and a skip to Tastytown!
I sure wouldn't mind taking a bite out of that tomato!
- Hands off, Mickey! - I'm hep.
Here goes nothing.
Dancing, dancing
Then enjoy some funny books
We get frisky, risky
Cool off with a malted milk
We're all bumping, come jump in
Down at the old Five-And-Dime
Mary, I got something to ask you.
Did you hear the announcement at school today?
Next week, President Roosevelt is coming to town.
Wow! You know, my pop says.
He's a labor-Appeasing, supreme-Court packing bolshevik.
Well, I don't know about all that boy stuff.
But the important thing is there's going to be
a big dance contest in his honor.
And I want you to be my partner.
Dance contest?
Jeez, I don't know.
What's to know?
I've been working on our routine.
Feast your peepers on this.
Feel the crazy rhythm in your feet
Everybody keep it "reet petite"
Blazing bright as neon, maybe we could be on
"Major Bbwes' amateur hour"
What's the wait, Nate?
I got two left feet, and they're on backwards.
If Mary sees me dancing, I'll lose her!
Oh, yeah.
Mickey!
I'm hep.
Well, I have to change into my coveralls for 4-H Club tonight.
I'll see you there.
Hey, kid, I'm Jack.
I'm Jimmy. Pleased to meet you.
Sometimes men would come to call
Who stank of sin and barbasol
They'd ask kids if they felt at all
Like having themselves a few kicks
Jimmy - As in Jimmy Cagney?
Don't I wish.
Girl trouble, huh?
Yeah, I got just the cure.
What say you and I blow this Popsicle stand
and find ourselves a real party?
Gee, that's awfully nice, Mr. Jack,
But I'm meeting my girlfriend at 4-H Club later.
Come on, we'll have some laughs...
Half-Hour, tops.
Gee...
I don't know.
Suit yourself.
Guess you're not the hep cat I took you for.
Oh!
Wow!
You sure shake a wicked calf.
Can you teach me how to dance like that?
By the time I get through,
You'll make Fred Astaire look like Barney Google.
Come on.
Well, if you're sure it'll only be a Half-Hour.
Kid, that's a promise from me to you.
Dancing, dancing
Charleston till your tootsies ache
We'll be grinning, spinning
Romping to the savoy stomp
We're rug-cutting, strutting
Then as a coda we drink Ice-Cream Soda
Here down at the old Five-And-Dime, yeah!
Do your children enjoy Jazz Music?
For I am here to tell you that Cab Calloway,
Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington,
And the whole Weed-Blowing, Ginger-Colored Lot
are merely masquerading as musicians.
And are, in fact, agents of evil.
Reefer slows down the smoker's sense of time,
Allowing him to squeeze in unnecessary grace notes,
Giving this voodoo music the power to hypnotize white women.
Into indulging in acts of unspeakable degradation.
Oh!
You will find this profane music
Wherever you find marijuana.
Hear that?
It's the national anthem of Sodom and Gomorrah!
Faster, Sally! Faster!
One of them...
That's it, Sally! That's it!
Ooh!
Man, I'm starving.
We got any eats?
Everybody, take it on the heel!
Come on, get the lead out of your shorts!
Am-Scray, am-Scray!
Damn cowbell.
Damn baby.
Damn... stuff.
Come in, kid.
Make yourself cozy.
Who's that?
Ralph - he was used to be a college boy.
Mae, this is Jimmy Harper.
He's okay.
Aw, Jack, this kid can't be more than 15.
Oh, 16, madam.
The name's Mae...
And a madam runs a different kind of house.
Shut up!
Good baby.
Oh, god.
Say, who's the new fish?
Oh, I'm J-J-Jmmy.
Sally, why don't you and J-J-Jimmy
Get better acquainted?
Give him the usual.
If I can't turn him on, he ain't got switches.
How tall are you, anyway?
Uh, 5'9 inches...
Let's forget the 5 feet and concentrate on the 9 inches.
Whoopsie.
No harm done... hero.
Ow!
I'm telling you, I want that Jimmy kid out of here.
He's too young! I got hooked at that age,
And I'm not doing it to anybody else.
Do I have water in my ear, or you giving me guff?
This is my house, and I say he goes!
Is everything okay?
Just fell, that's all.
Oh, let me light your cigarette for you, there, Sally.
This isn't a cigarette.
It's a real smoke...
Reefer.
Let's share it.
Oh, no, I shouldn't.
Um... it's been great meeting you folks,
But I ought to head over to 4-H Club.
I'm teaching some of the newbies how to make a potato clock.
I didn't think you were such a moldy fig.
Or maybe you're scared.
I'm not either!
Prove it.
Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy
Suck it down for Sally
Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy
Suck it down for Sally
Thank you, Sally,
But I honestly don't think it's such a good idea.
Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy
Suck it down for Sally
Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy
Suck it down for Sally
I gotta get out of here.
You've gotten me all confused.
Take a toke of tea stick, take a toke of tea stick
Smoke it, you may choke at first, but then the worst is over
Don't be a chicken
Don't, Jimmy, don't do it, don't be a fool
No!
Smoke the marijuana
Sail the sea of sin
Reach a hot nirvana
Tremble from within
Serve your appetite
Plan to stay the night
I am standing
At temptation's door
I have never
felt this way before
Join the wonder dance
Lose the underpants
No!
Someone save me
There's no place to hide
From this hellacious
Magic-Carpet ride
Open up your mind, let your body soar
Arms and legs entwined, cry, "More, more, more!"
If a year goes by, it might seem a day
If a day goes by, it could take a year
Space recedes at blinding speeds
Your lust is on the rise
Moloch!
Tender virgin
Fresh as morning dew
I've been eagerly expecting you
Live the greater life
Live the satyr life
Eros beckons
Feel the need increase
Every fiber
Burns for sweet release
Llive a little dream
Leave a little mess
Everybody scream
"Yes, yes, yes!"
Can't you feel the flush of pulsing pagan fire?
Come and feel the rush
Fly higher and higher
Dancing naked as the sinful Adam
Voodoo jungle drums
Coupled with a wicked madam 'Till the morning comes
Yes, we're waiting for your business
In this carnal carnivale
Take a one-way ticket to the bacchanal
So come on, Jimmy, come on, give me reefer love
Smoke the marijuana
Sail the sea of sin
And reach a hot nirvana
Tremble from within
Yes, we're waiting for your business
In this carnal carnivale
Take a one-way ticket to the bacchanal
So come on, Jimmy, come on, give me reefer love
Knock, knock.
Oh, therefore art thou, Romeo.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Well, I haven't been everywhere!
Well, what a thing to say.
I was wondering if we could practice our steps.
For the presidential dance.
It's only a few days away,
And with you being so mysteriously busy all the time,
I wanted to make sure we could get in enough rehearsal.
Jimmy, is something wrong?
Why?
Should something be wrong?
Stop hounding me.
Stop. Hounding. Me!
I didn't think I was. I...
Oh.
It's me, isn't it?
You don't love me anymore.
You haven't even tried to kiss me in almost a week.
Kiss?
Is that what you want?
Let me show you a few new moves!
Aah!
That was your tongue!
Jimmy Harper, what's come over you?
Mercifully, Mary had no idea what had come over Jimmy.
But she feared the worst.
The sermon today was really exciting
Yahweh was mad and did plenty of smiting
With locusts and plagues and little green froggies
All that and more thundered down from the sky
I reached for your hand like I always do
But beside me was just an empty wooden pew
There's hymnals and a rosary
But they don't keep me company
The wafers now don't taste so great
They won't transubstantiate
Without you near
The gospel choir sounds askew
Jimmy, come back
and fill my lonely pew
A gloomy church that you're not in
Can lead a girl to mortal sin
A lady asked, "Is this seat taken?"
I lied, I guess
I told her "Yes"
I pray a holy shining star
- Shining, twinkling star - Will lead you home from where you are?
- Where, oh, where you are? - In a fog or lost at sea
Or could it be you're tired of me?
It's a line of thought
I'd rather not pursue
Rather not pursue, Mm-Ooh
Jimmy, come back
And fill my lonely
Pew
I've got the window open. Give me a boost!
- Shh! - Ow!
Shh!
How much you think is in there?
If Jack don't get his green, we don't get ours!
Cool your jets!
Hear that? We got more scratch than a sandpaper factory.
This'll keep us in the straw for at least a week!
That's good! That's good!
Frankincense - Wow!
Reefer...
Madness...
Welcome to Club Celestial!
I am your host, Joan of Arc.
No Christian Martyr works it harder.
The many voices in my head tell me that we have
A special guest in the house tonight, James Fenimore Harper!
Tonight Jimmy will be taught the error of his ways.
By the brightest star in our heavenly firmament...
The Lord of Hosts, the Stranger from the Manger,
The Hardest-Working man in the Afterlife,
Give it up for Jesus!
Aw, Jesus...
I got a great high cooking here.
Don't bring me down.
On the contrary, Jimmy...
I'm here to bring you up with dope.
No, not your brand of dope,
But the straight dope.
You think those reefer fiends are cool?
I don't think you realize how cool God can be.
I floated down from Heaven
When I heard a lamb had strayed
Look at you here
Your brain has turned to marmalade
I'm here to help you, Jimmy
And return you to the fold
Try filling your lungs with God
And not jamaican gold
Satan's bold
Loves to lie
Don't reply
Do you want to make the angels cry?
Cry-y-y?
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Just say "no" to the marijuana
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
This comes straight from the Madonna
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
I'm the face on the shroud of turin
Llisten to Jesus, Jimmy
Do I need to test your urine?
Satan went and conned you
He conned you, Jimmy
Ustn't touch his evil ganja
Jimmy, don't turn your back on God
Dona eis requiem
Numquam fumes cannabis
Aut incendes ibi inferno
You'll burn in Hell
I've cured a lot of lepers
And I've risen from the dead? - How you doing?
Is that what it's gonna take to get this through your head?
You can touch.
If you insist on smoking to indulge those teenage kicks
Soon you'll be floating naked in the river Styx
What a fix
Sulfur pools
Torture tools
Separation from your family jewels
Rama-Lama, they're gonna cut your dingdong
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Gotta give it up for lent, boy
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Or wind up as Satan's Rent-Boy
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Don't let reefer get your keister
Llisten to Jesus, Jimmy
I'm the poster boy for easter
Jimmy, let me see you
Want to see you, Jimmy
Kick the sin and sinsemilla
Jimmy, don't turn your back on God
For the Lord God Omnipotent
Hateth marijuana, marijuana
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Thou shalt heed this holy omen
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Stop indulging like a roman
Listen to Jesus, Jimmy
All the cherubim say you gotta
You gotta listen to Jesus, Jimmy
Trust the man with the stigmata
Jimmy, don't you turn your back on God
On God!
You rock, Jesus!
Jimmy...
Take a hit of God instead.
You think you can handle the high?
I got a new god now.
Ooh...
Hey! That's my Mary Jane!
Think so?
You don't own the Mary Jane.
The Mary Jane owns you.
Listen up, kid, and listen good.
Get out now and don't look back.
It's too late for us, but you...
You're young.
You still got a chance.
Why do you got a steak on your eye?
Just fell, that's all.
I'm serious, Jimmy.
It's dangerous here.
These days, I got me a taste for danger!
Back off! You're heaped to the gills!
And you - Zip it!
You'll wake Sally's baby.
That's okay, Mae. Don't worry about it.
Sally, how come I haven't heard your baby crying tonight?
Huh...
I don't know.
It is a matter of public record.
That the addict will sell anything,
Anything at all,
To obtain the decadent rush of that next fix.
You'll take good care of him, right?
I mean, it's not true what they say.
About you people eating babies, is it?
Care to stay for dinner?
You're just kidding, right?
You didn't sell your baby for reefer money, did you?
It's okay.
I got another one on the way.
Light?
'Cause that kind of joke ain't...
So where'd you get this packard?
Oh, I boosted it from my girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
You expect me to believe some Bobby-Soxer's got what it takes
To chop your suey?
Sally, you're getting me steamed up like a pants presser!
That's the idea, baby.
Tonight, you and me are gonna break out like the measles!
Sally?
Sally! Sally!
Keep your eyes on the road, Sally!
Serves him right for trying to jump over the car like that.
Hey, mister, are you okay?
We didn't see you there.
I... I...
I think he's dead.
I was never here.
Okay.
Damn lamppost.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry...
There's blood on my hands and mud on my name
My id threw a party, and everyone came
My innocence ravaged, my virtue devoured
I can't count the strangers with whom I have showered
I've taken a life
Been stripped to my essence
And to think all I wanted was Swing-Dance lessons
Police! Freeze!
Local police are on the lookout for a late model packard
Spotted leaving the scene of a Hit-And-Run homicide!
Mae was right about the Mary Jane.
It owns me.
Mary Jane, oh, Mary Jane
You crumpled me like cellophane
You stir me up like beef chow mein
You wreck me, Mary Jane
Mary Jane, oh, Mary Jane
You've conquered me like charlemagne
Pleasure intertwined with pain
You wreck me, Mary Jane
Your toxic kisses make my heart race
faster than a cheetah
I've been stapled and spindled
My willpower's dwindled
You melt resistance down like hot velveeta
Mary Jane, oh, Mary Jane
You flushed my future down the drain
Smeared me like a ketchup stain
But I need you
I love you
And I'm loved by Mary
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, I'm loved by Mary Lane
There's only room for one Mary in my life...
Mary Lane! With an "L", for "Love."
I love Mary Lane!
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
Jimmy, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?
It's almost 9:00 p.m.
Mary Lane, oh, Mary Lane
Two words that fall like gentle rain
Did you take my car?
You touch my hand and kill my pain
I love you, Mary Lane
Jimmy, I'm in my nightgown.
You flood my world with all the colors of the sunday funnies
The innocent splendor of kisses so tender
Softer than a pillow stuffed with bunnies
Bunnies?!
I don't know what you're talking about,
But I like the sound of it!
Mary Lane, oh, Mary Lane
Will help you sing a new refrain
With you beside, we'll start again
Just me and Mary
- You and Mary - Me and Mary Lane
When life becomes a rollercoaster
And I can't keep my footing
I'll love you completely
Steady me sweetly
You're sweet as Shirley Temple dipped in pudding
- Sweet as Shirley Temple pudding - Yeah, yeah, Mary Lane Yeah, yeah!
- Mary Lane - Oh! Mary Lane
Our hearts pound like a diesel train
The world may crumble, we'll remain
- Just me and Mary - You and Mary
- Loved by Mary - Loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
- Loved by Mary, noodled Mary - Love Mary Magdalene by Lane
- Loved by Mary, loved by Mary - Mary Lane lai moi wooo
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
- Loved by Mary - Yeah, I love you
- Loved by Mary - You got to, got to, got to love me
- Loved by Mary - Hoo!
- Loved by Mary Lane - I love you, Jimmy, yeah
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Laaaaaane
We'll sing to the rafters of happily afters
I love you
You're loved by
Mary Laaaaaaaaaane
Who can name for me the one, All-Abiding,
All-Powerful force in the world?
Hmm?
Principal Short?
What is the human condition so powerful.
It can stave off all that is black and evil
In these confusing times?
Love?
Oh!
In a time in which our children are subjected.
To a daily diet of depravity
in their film and popular music?
Ha ha!
In a time in which the entire world
is aligned against the American Way of Life,
A time when our economy is in a state of total collapse.
And a reckless lunatic sits in the White House,
I am relieved to hear.
Our fatuous friend is so confident
that love will carry the day...
The correct answer is, of course, "Vigilance."
Sirens.
There's been something I've been meaning to give you,
And I may not get another chance.
Oh, Jimmy! Your school ring?
Is your finger swollen?
Are you putting on weight?
Maybe.
Lately, I seem to be hungry all the time.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
Wait.
What you do mean, you may not get another chance?
I have to run away - Far away.
- Well, then, I'm coming with you. - No!
It'll only ruin your life. You have no idea what I've done.
It doesn't matter.
I'm wearing your school ring now...
Or at least I will be, as soon as you get it off your finger.
And if Romeo has to run away, then so does Juliet.
Okay.
Go put on some clothes, pack a bag - I'll wait.
That's more like it.
I believe in you, Jimmy Harper!
Even if you do have pudgy fingers.
Goodbye, Mary. You deserve better.
Hey, kid.
How's tricks?
How'd you find me?
It's all over the radio.
Cops are looking for you and the packard.
I drove around your neighborhood, 'till I found it.
I can't have you telling the cops
where you get your stagger-Leaf.
So, what's say we head back to Mae's,
Where it's safe and cozy?
This will calm you down for the ride.
You're talkin' on a dead phone.
I'm through with reefer, and I'm through with you.
Don't think you can pull any tricks, 'cause it won't work.
I see.
Well, then, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
You like brownies?
Baked them myself.
Well, I am kind of hungry.
Thank you.
This brownie is yummy
It's the greatest brownie known to man
It's chewy, it's nutty
This brownie's really good
Don't offer me a macaroon
My brownie suits me fine
There's frosting on the top
And, best of all, it's mine
Eat the brownie, bro-brownie Eat the brownie, bro-brownie
Let's go home.
Okay.
I shimmer electric
I'm a one-man marching brownie band
I love it My brownie
And my brownie loves me too
It's smooth, it's sweet, it's chocolaty
It forms a perfect square
And the bestest part of all
is I don't have to share
Doesn't have to share! And the bestest part of all is I don't have to share
Eat the brownie, eat the brownie Eat the brownie, eat the brownie
Yeah!
Come on, kid. Get in the car.
Where we're going, Jack?
Back where you belong.
You're one of us now.
That's nice.
Jimmy...
Wait.
Careful, Jimmy. Not too fast.
Oh, yeah. Yeah!
This weed is a triple scream and one big yell.
Aaah!
I need more, I tell you. More!
Always happy to oblige a customer.
Whoa!
Make that a paying customer. Pony up, kid.
I'm busted flat, Jack. You bled me dry.
Not quite.
It doesn't come off, so don't waste your - Ow!
I was saving that ring for Mary!
Where else you gonna get your fix...
From the coloreds down the jazz quarter?
Those Chow-Chows over at Madame Ling's?
They'd bounce you like a lead dime.
Real gold.
Smoke up, Pip-Squeak.
This will get you through the entire weekend.
See you in the funny papers.
He's really a nice guy, once you get to know him.
Oh, Jimmy.
What have you gotten yourself into?
Good boy. Ha-Tcha!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Diddle-Diddle, a cat for my fiddle.
One moment, please.
I need the room!
I got company. You mind taking it upstairs?
Don't mind taking it anywhere.
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
Hey, there. I'm Ralph.
Hello. My name's Mary Lane.
I followed my boyfriend here - Jimmy Harper.
Have you seen him?
Huh, well, he just stepped out...
...to, uh, pick up some bibles for our prayer breakfast.
That's my Jimmy.
Say, is this a fraternity sweater?
Is Jimmy hanging out with college boys?
Why, yes.
Yes, he is.
We at Phi-Beta...Cannabis.
Were so taken with Jimmy.
That we decided to pledge him early,
While he's still in high school...
Avoid the rush.
That's the bee's knees.
Wait 'till that Susie Mayberry hears about this.
Let's celebrate... with a smoke.
Hold on.
This isn't that reefer I've read about, is it?
Oh, no. Of course not.
This is a special cigarette,
All the rage with the college girls...
In Paris.
P- Paris?
Oh, yes.
Well...
If I'm going to be dating a fraternity man...
Little Mary Sunshine
With her hem cut so low
Little Mary Sunshine
With her ducks in a row
It burns my lungs.
Little Mary Sunshine
Needs a change in her life
My head feels funny, Ralph.
Little Mary Sunshine
Needs a man
Oh!
Now, come on, Mary Sunshine
It's time that you learned to be bad
You make a charming armful
So snuggle up, my buttercup
'Cause you've been had
Ralph, I think you tricked me.
Now smoke it, Mary Sunshine
Dissolve in the sweet, burning glow
Come lose yourself in pleasure
When the Bambalacha's gotcha
You'll forget the word "no"
Oh, I can't. What about... Jimmy?
Jimmy's a rube
Provincial and dull
Don't be tricked, he's strictly quadrilateral
Jimmy's a boy
I'm ready for men
Let's go up and down and up and down
And down again
Mary Sunshine, you are Ultra-Ultra!
I feel a little naughty
Baby, I'll help you relax
I'll tie you up with phone cord
We'll play with whips and nipple clips
And candle wax
Now, hold on, Mary Sunshine
Let's not get carried away
Just call me "Mary Wanna"
And Mary got some scary little games to play
- I'll lather you up - Who, me?
- And give you a shave - Shave!
A paddling while straddling my little slave
Hey, now!
Down on your knees
It's pointless to fight
Save your strength
It's gonna be a lengthy night
Help!
This crazy tomato's rapin' me!
Goodbye to Mary Sunshine
Reefer has blown out her mind
She's now a Hot-Hay hussy
Don't you run, I'm not done
Can't you tell we've just begun?
What's your rush? You're not having fun?
No, I'm really not!
Mary, Mary Sunshine
Burns for, yearns for
Dirty Loooooove
Shut up, bitch! Ugh!
I'm not buying any of this.
You ask me, this guy's getting his jollies.
Showing us blue movies.
I'm sorry, Mr. Kochinski,
Do you have something to share with the group?
Huh, no.
We're very interested to hear what you have to say.
Look, it's just...
One puff, and the girl goes wacky?
It's kind of Far-Fetched. That's all I'm saying.
Not according to Mr. William Randolph Hearst.
A recent edition of his San Francisco Examiner
Tells us that "3/4 of the crimes of violence
in this country today are committed by dope slaves."
That is a matter of cold record.
Well, you can't believe everything you read.
And that don't make me a commie!
Mr. Hearst is a very wealthy man
who attended Harvard Uuniversity.
Where did you matriculate?
"Ma-tric-u-late"?
It means, where did you go to college?
I didn't.
I see.
Well, regardless, Mr. Kochinski,
I'm sure everyone here takes your opinions.
Very seriously.
Given the extremity of your views,
It would be unpatriotic not to.
Mary?!
Jimmy.
Kid, it's not what it looks like.
Huhrrrr...
Holy socks!
Billy, don't go.
Don't you want to learn to dance?
Ah, eh, ah, oh!
He's... killing... me!
Oh!
Jeez, that stupid little weed freak.
Is everybody okay?!
I think I've been shot.
She fell down!
Mae, get me some smelling salts.
All right, you two blow. Don't talk to nobody.
I will handle this.
Go!
Give me that.
Mary?
Mary.
What - What happened?
You shot her dead, kid.
Jack, no.
Jimmy, I don't feel so good.
Shh. It's - It's gonna be okay.
I promise.
I feel so cold.
Give me the ring!
Well, looky here.
Casper Milky-Toast is givin' me orders.
I shot Mary.
What makes you think I won't shoot you?
Oh, Jimmy...your school ring...
Oh, it glitters, like a star.
We are just like Romeo and Juliet
We're happy, young, and...
Hemorrhaging blood
Did you get to read the ending?
Was it perfect?
Did they love until they got old?
It was beautiful.
They grew up,
And everyone they knew came to the wedding.
Did they have babies?
Yeah... six of them.
That's good.
I love babies.
It makes me happy
Knowing that we loved like Romeo and...
Juliet.
Mary, how could I have shot you?
Coppers.
Jimmy, out the back. Hurry!
No, Mae, I pulled the trigger.
I have to face my punishment.
Don't you get it? Jack was holding the gun.
He's planning to frame you.
Nobody move!
Officer, thank god.
This kid burst in here with a gun.
And started shooting - Shooting and laughing!
I think he might have been smoking that... reefer!
Just like you read about in the papers.
No, that's a lie!
Tell them what really happened, Mae.
Ma'am, do you have anything to say?
Well, I...
Jimmy, I...
Oh.
Officer, I...
Mae, please!
No.
The kid burst in shooting...
Just like the man said.
Mae... no!
Kid's gonna burn for this.
Pity - Attractive girl.
After a swift trial,
James Fenimore Harper was found guilty
of the murder of Mary Lane.
And sentenced to death row.
In his thought-Provoking book,
"Marijuana, Weed of Madness,"
Earle Albert Rowell explains How marijuana causes prison inmates.
"To fall desperately in love with each other...
Just as they would with women outside prison walls."
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.
Let's go to press. Flash!
Tonight, Jimmy "The Cannabis Killer" Harper
walks the last mile to the electric chair,
Convicted of murder while under the influence
of the new drug menace, Marijuana.
Shut up. Shut up!
We can't just let Jimmy die.
Shut up! Shut up!
Look, the kid's yesterday's headlines,
And there's nothing we can do about it.
When's Jack bringing some new boys home?
Shut up! Shut up!
You shut up! What are you, nuts?
I'm... fine.
Perfectly in control.
Remember me, Ralph? I'm about to fry
Shut up!
While you and your friends stand idly by
- My life is now a ticking bomb - Shut up!
I'm gonna miss my senior prom
Shut up! Shut up!
You murdered me, Ralph
Shut up!
- Murdered me - Murdered you
- Murdered me - Murdered him
Everything okay up there?
It's the kid! He's in the toilet!
Just flush him, Ralph.
Aaah!
Whoa.
You better cool off on the muggles, there.
Just a little hungry. That's all.
Remember me, Ralph I've been sent to Hell
A pubescent edition of Jezebel
It hurts a lot to bend
But at least I've made a friend
Shut up!
You murdered her, Ralph
Murdered me
- Murdered you - Murdered me
Murdered them
What's eating him?
Jack, I saw Satan! And the kid!
And Satan! And the girl! And Satan!
That mug's wound up like an 8-Day clock.
One too many giggle sticks.
You'd better put your flaps down before you take off.
Go get some air.
No, Jack! Not out there, Jack!
No! No!
Jack! Jack!
Just a little too much weed. That's all.
Aaaah!
Just an ordinary scarecrow.
Aaaah!
Aaah!
Open the gate and abandon hope
With the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope
Way down where it's hot
They are saving us a spot
You murdered them, Ralph
Murdered them, murdered them
Bad zombies! Shoo! Yah! Yah!
He's losing it, Jack
Gee, you don't suppose
He's liable to crack and spill all he knows
- He's really - Acting weird?
Perhaps it's time he disappeared
He'd never be missed
I could
Murder him, murder him
Jack, no! You fire that bean-shooter,
You'll have the police right back here.
All right, we'll play it your way... for now.
Aah!
He bit me!
Jack, I got me the munchies real bad.
He's giving me the creepin' Heebie-Jeebies!
Come on, let's go get Ralph a bite.
He's liable to wake the neighbors with that racket.
You stay. Keep an eye on him.
I don't like the way he's looking at me.
Shake a leg with that grub!
Leg... grub...
Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
Yoo-Hoo, Ralph!
We have Take-Away from Dim Foo's!
Sally? Ralph?
Where'd they go?
They'd best not have skipped town.
Sally! Ralph!
Yah!
Aah! Aaah!
Blumsack.
Aww.
I found me a snack, it was nice and fresh
The weed made him hungry for human flesh
Step away, you mug
'Cause that's a brand-new persian rug
He's not gonna stop
Murder him, murder him murder him, murder him
Hah!
Yah!
Oh!
Ralph...
Ha ha!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Mae! Don't get queer on me, now.
Ow.
Damn body.
Open the gate and abandon hope
With the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope
Now I see them, Jack
And they all want their childhoods back
We murdered them, Jack
Murdered them, murdered them
Open the gate and abandon hope
With the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope - Pull it together!
- Now I see them, Jack? - Don't flip your skirt
- You do the things you gotta do
- In this dog-Eat-Dog-Eat-Dog world - They all want their childhoods back
We murdered them, Jack!
- So you murder them - Survival of the fittest!
- Before they murder you - Murdered them
- Murder, murder, murder - Murdered them! The winner is
- Murder, murder, murder - The last one left
- Aahhhhh - Aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!
Well, on the bright side,
It looks like we finally got the place to ourselves.
Ralph and Sally.
And little... What's-Her-Name are dead!
Jimmy's on his way to the electric chair,
And you couldn't care less!
I may be a monster, but you, Jack...
You're the devil!
So long as I'm the number-one guy.
The kid's a goner
They're gonna make him pay
For the stuff
Here. Simmer down, will ya?
I've seen my honor
Rolled up and burnt away
With the stuff
Well, it's gotta stop
Let go of me!
What? I'm trying to comfort you here.
I said, let go!
I should show him the door
He treats me like a whore
I don't need Jack no more
Or the stuff
You dumb slut!
That was half a jay of good mooter you just wasted.
I know.
Hey, what do you think you're doing
With that garden hoe?
Taking care of a big, fat weed.
Oh, that's it.
Say "Goodnight," Gracie.
Goodnight, Gracie.
Oh!
So, this is it, Jack
Last night of Ballyhoo
For the stuff
Get away from me, you crazy skirt!
This one's for Ralph, Jack
Here's one for Sally, too
Had enough?
Yeah, you're not so tough
You once had all the brains
Now they're just carpet stains
You're in no shape to fight
My bid to make things right
'Cause there's blood upon your necktie
Your corpus is delecti
And I have been delivered
From the stuuuuuuuff
Ohh.
Good lord, man. You've sent Thelma into shock!
Your wife's lack of fortitude.
Is no fault of this presentation.
I daresay our hardy pioneer women.
Would have shared a good laugh at her expense.
So, what of Mae Coleman?
With jack out of the picture,
Mae was determined to rescue the seemingly doomed Jimmy.
But fate was about to intervene in a most dramatic fashion.
And from my vantage point,
I see the presidential motorcade
Turning onto Halford Street.
The crowd is going wild!
Mr. President! Mr. President!
Mr. President!
I need to talk with you.
Step back, ma'am.
But... But...
Hyah!
It is a known scientific fact.
That when under the influence of marijuana,
The user becomes insatiably violent.
And capable of staggering feats of strength.
Unfortunately for Mae Coleman...
She was no longer under the influence.
Ugh!
Oop! Aah. Mmmph.
Oh.
I'm... so terribly sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
Please, help me up.
Hyah!
Mr. President!
An innocent boy is about to be executed!
Listen to me, please!
Hold on, boys!
I, for one, would like to hear
What the blood-spattered young lady has to say.
James Fenimore Harper,
You have been convicted of the murder of Mary Lane.
And sentenced to death by electrocution.
In accordance with the laws of this great state.
Any last words?
Huh...
Well-Put.
Pull the switch.
Stop the execution!
We have a presidential pardon!
Mae, am I ever glad to see you!
And you, too, Mr. President.
Ha ha ha!
I knew you wouldn't let me die!
Though I was kind of hoping.
You wouldn't cut it quite so close.
I'm sorry, kid.
But now we're gonna be okay!
So, Jimmy, I've heard a lot about you.
Oh, and we've read about you in school, Mr. President.
Thank you so much for coming!
I promise never to touch the reefer again.
Oh, that is simply grand.
You know, a little orphan girl once told me
That the sun would come out tomorrow.
Her adopted father was a powerful billionaire,
So I suppressed the urge to laugh in her face.
But now, I think she might have been on to something!
The tragic victim of drug abuse
Has now been spared for a higher use
They were ready to cook my goose
But God had other plans
He works in mysterious ways, Jimmy.
I feel like something inside has stirred
At long, long last may the truth be heard
Go forth, Jimmy, and spread the word!
- From sea to shining sea - You have been set free
Free to tell the truth about the wisdom we have learned
Gonna tell 'em the truth, truth, truth Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh
All about the demon weed How it grows from a demon seed
Indeed!
That pungent smoke will rot your brain Till you're incurably insane
Trust us to tell them About the Thuth
Gonna tell 'em the truth, truth, truth Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh
With voices raised in song We're banishing the bong!
So long!
Our children teeter on the brink We need to teach them what to think
Trust us to tell them about the truth
We've got to capture the nation's ear Spread the word 'cross the hemisphere
But there are only four people here
And one of us is lame!
Not to worry, Jimmy!
We'll use the papers of Mr. Hearst Flood the airwaves until they burst
With catchy slogans we've all rehearsed - And iconography!
It's Uncle Sam...
George Washington...
And Lady Liberty!
Gonna tell 'em the truth, truth, truth Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh
Just who to demonize What politics to despise
Get wise!
We're taking down the fingerprints of Jazz musicians and immigrants
Trust us to tell you, Gonna tell 'em The truth, truth, truth
Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh
- The A-B-C's of spin - And turning your neighbors in
Or kin!
- It's all comes down to apple pie - George Washington would never lie
Trust us to tell you, Gonna tell 'em The truth, truth, truth
Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh
Let ev'ry sir an ma'am Obey their Uncle Sam
Hot damn!
- That famous finger's set to point: - I want you to drop that joint!
Trust us to tell you, gonna tell 'em The truth, truth, truth
Ev'rybody gotta know, oh, oh - Give me your tired
Give me your poor Give me your huddled masses
Yearning to breathe free of reefer smoke!
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
- Yeah, Yes! - No, no!
I Love You, Romeo
- Please, wait for me, Juliet - Okay.
One day I'll get cancer or hit by a train
And we'll be reunited in heaven
It's time for parents to take a stand For the preservation of our sweet land
'Till the things that scare us are burned or banned
Or smashed to smithereens!
And once the reefer has been destroyed We'll start on Darwin and Sigmund Freud
And sex depicted on celluloid And communists and queens
When danger's near, exploit their fear
The end will justify the means!
Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doors
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
Voraciously devouring the way things are today
Savagely deflowering the good old USA
It's reefer madness
Reefer madness
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
See the kids
Precious kids
Yes, their heads are on the chopping block
And someone's got to dare to take a stand
Can't ignore anymore
It could be your son or daughter
With a deadly stick of reefer in the hand
They're heading straight for
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Stealthy as a socialist, it slithers up our shores
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
This smoking bowl of evil
Bears the choking stench of sin
It burrows like a weevil under tender christian skin
This
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Pull the wool from your eyes
We're in need of righteous soldiers
For this merry wonder has to be destroyed
Fight the urge of this scourge
It's destructive but seductive
So some drastic measures have to be employed
To put an end to
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Deadly as the democrats that empty out our stores
Turning all our children into hooligans and whores
Teenagers across the land are glazed and oversexed
If you fail to draw the line, your babies will be next
Reefer madness, reefer madness
Oh, so mad
Tell your children!
Reefer madness
Fight the menace!
Reefer madness
Kill the Devil!
Reefer madness
Save the country!
Reefer madness
Madness, madness, madness, madness
Reefers made us crazy, barking
Mad!
Mary Lane, oh, Mary Lane
Will help you sing a new refrain
With you beside, we'll start again
Just me and Mary
- You and Mary - Me and Mary Lane
When life becomes a rollercoaster
And I can't keep my footing
I'll love you completely
Steady me sweetly
You're sweet as Shirley Temple dipped in pudding
- Sweet as Shirley Temple pudding - Yeah, yeah, Mary Lane Yeah, yeah!
- Mary Lane - Oh! Mary Lane
Our hearts pound like a diesel train
The world may crumble, we'll remain
- Just me and Mary - You and Mary
- Loved by Mary - Loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Lane
Loved by Mary, loved by Mary, Loved by Mary Laaaaaane
We'll sing to the rafters of happily afters
I love you
You're loved by
Mary Laaaaaaaaaane