== ZLU影音工作室(ZLU小店) ==
我的天，你们不相信
昨晚发生在我身上的事
什么？快告诉我们
我在看这季第一集的
“当男孩遇上男骇”的节目
然后就是“鄙视正常男生”
所以我就对着电视睡着了 当我醒来
我发现喝着的可乐倒
早我的名牌底衫上了
啊，我的天 你没事吧
那可是我最可爱的底衫！
我明白
(咕哝发言)
哦，告诉我，肯尼小美男
嘿，兄弟
哈哈哈哈 哈哈哈哈
真下贱
什么？
凯尔！很好看的上衣
聚酯是这一季最流行的布料
哈哈哈
但是这是我一向穿着的上衣
亲爱的，你真会迎合潮流
是啊， 那皮夹很像那些土人教师穿的
我的天，你的脖子上长斑点了
你正在用什么片状脱落的产品吗
我们不可以让凯尔这样出去
那当然
来，凯尔 我们帮你涂点遮瑕膏
你走进了我的生命
我们的世界从没那样的明亮
你让我看到自己最好的一面
有你在我身边 当有你在我身边
一切变得越来越美好
生命过得越来越精彩
一切变得越来越美好
(电视广播员) 接着下来请观看
“鄙视正常男生”
我们给你去准备一些 更紧一点的衬衣
然后是由威尔和格雷斯主持的 “当男孩遇上男孩”
下面是“男人的爱船”
我的天，这几天也太多
同性恋节目了吧
恩，我觉得棒极了
那些同性恋最后开始被接受了
嗨，妈妈，嗨，爸爸！
啊！
凯尔，你怎么了？
爸，我想试着穿进去
不要把弄得像个做戏的基佬
我的天
来，希拉， 我们最好告诉
其他的父母发生什么事了
(门铃响了，敲门声)
哦，你好，杰拉尔德，希拉
你好，莎伦
我们必须告诉你们 那些男孩的事情
没问题，进来吧
那些家伙都在看电视
哦，是关于电子游戏还是其他？
(跳舞音乐)
嘿，杰拉尔德 你好
嘿，杰拉尔德 杰拉尔德
坐下来，杰杰
“鄙视正常男生”开始了
我的妈呀， 你们都快变成同性恋了
(笑声)
不是同性恋，杰拉尔德 是中性！
什么是中性？
因为每个人都关心他的外表
这和他女性的一面有关
但这不代表他是同行恋
是，中性可是正常的
但你喜欢同性恋文化
那太难令人相信了 你想要点舍利酒吗
我们不都帅呆了吗
你没看见吗
希拉， “鄙视正常男生”
这五个基佬正在供应
还告诉你异性恋男人怎么 让自己更迷人
那太好了
是吗
希拉，那当然
我们的老公都是那样爱干净
我们云迪要帮他熨衣服 还修甲呢！
他们现在想谈谈他们的感受
还有谈酒和房屋装修
我家史蒂文刮他的胡子
还有他的胸！ 哦一-我喜欢
那我们的小男孩呢？
看来同性恋文化很酷
我们的男孩每天晚上都泡浴
每天刷三次牙
这可是一天中最美好的时刻
我不明白
有时候男孩们对潮流 追求似乎有点过火了
(上课铃响起)
同学们，我等不及给温迪屋 展现我同性恋的打扮
那的确，伙计们
当学校的鸡婆看到 我们同性恋的摸样
他们一定会为我们疯狂
哦哦！
好了 我们开动吧
谁来做实验者
下课后去找找看
好的，亲爱的
我的天 我的功课去哪了
我在外面吃东西
嘿，同学们
嘿，克雷格
你们看上去很像同性恋
谢谢
尽管不像我们那样 有同性恋的感觉
哦，克雷格 我们同性恋的味儿比你重10倍
是吗？
我们可是宇宙超级狗的同性恋
是吗？
我们是彻彻底底的 宇宙超级无敌同性恋
孩子们，这里火药味很重 发生什么了？
这帮家伙在告诉别人
他们比我们都更同性恋
不是吧，不用告诉我
你们都迷上了中性潮流
我的天啊
这不是个潮流 这正是真正的我们
不是
上一年，我们的孩子全都要变黑
现在你们都要变同行恋
我们是中性人！
可能吧，但你们怎样也及 不是我们那样中性
别这样嘛，基佬！
天，克雷格讨厌死了！
贱人！
谢弗？
我不感到很中性
凯尔，不要随波而流
做回你自己 不是所谓的酷
(铃声响)
好的，同学们 快坐下来
早上好，加里森先生
你们看上去都很不错
哦，泰尔美
(门大开)
兄弟们，你们在干什么
我觉得穿着这个很不爽
我正在做回我自己
哈！
告诉你们， 你们都是正常的男人！
我们不是正常的男人！ 你才是！
你是直的！
你直得像条高速公路！
你在叼什么？
你希望自己是个同行恋 克雷格，发梦去吧！
我不仅仅是同性恋 我还有恋童癖
所以我有一半是 雌雄同体
哦！别说了！
你们这些小家伙还不知道 自己说什么！
埃里克，你不是中性！
我喜欢四分之一双性恋
我的爷爷就是双性的
所以我现在是四分之一双性恋
什么
史雷夫先生 那是我见过最疯的事了
这些孩子突然觉得
当同行恋很有型
我的意思是， 可能不仅仅是我们这样做
在这小镇上周围都是同性恋情侣
哦，上帝保佑
(极大的音乐)
史雷夫先生，看那里
我们的酒吧结业了
我的天
格里森先生 你的裤子很正点
谢谢，珍宝， 我也很喜欢你的衣服
还可以，珍宝
你想要去我那吗？
和史雷夫先生，还有我
恩，去干嘛？
你知道的
不知道
恩
格里森先生 嘿，小帅哥-
哦，嘿，云迪
你看上去很梦幻
谢谢，你也是
哦，恩，云迪
你在洗澡房里要我帮个忙吗？
不用了，谢谢 我不喜欢给人看到
不喜欢那样？
兄弟们，要喝点舍利酒吗
谢谢，特维奇先生
别客气，小屁屁
哦…
特维奇先生， 我们怎么不去我那
为什么要去？
你知道 我一直在想
我们可以听听音乐 看看音乐录映带
还可以打史雷夫先生的小屁股
哦，天啊
哦，不要，我是直的正常男人
直的？
哦，什么 这里发生什么鬼事了？
有谁要打一下史雷夫的小弟弟
格里森先生， 我们不要打小弟弟
我们都是正常男人
你穿着的裤子和鞋子 告诉我你会摸小鸡鸡的
嘿，事实上那不是真的
我的鞋子没有说 我喜欢摸小鸡鸡
不，你的鞋子告诉我 你骨子里有这癖好
好吧，格里森先生
我们都知道同性恋很酷
你现在是我们中的一员
太好了！
你们中的一员？
我们花了一辈子的时间 要远离你们
你不可以这样做！
你们看过这个吗？
这是一个调节装置
可以消除你的头皮
哦，那是早上用的吗？
恩，那是一个木炭制造的东西
嘿，兄弟，你们想去踢球吗
我可以在这和你们聊一会吗
看，学校里的孩子都在讨论
他们在发放谣言 说我们不是中性人
因为我们常和凯尔出去
那我们可以怎样做呢
我们别无选择了，伙计们
我们只有杀了凯尔
什么！那真死蠢！
我们不必杀凯尔
我们只要告诉他 别再和我们一起出去！
斯坦！你说得没错！
我们只要告诉他 别再和我们一起出去！
对！等等
你听到了吗，凯尔
斯坦认为我们应该告诉凯尔 不要再和我们一起出去
我认为他说得没错
祝你好运 斯坦，快去告诉他
我想那不容易
嘿，男人婆！
足球踢得不错 你踢去那里了
(大笑)
你最近一次修甲是什么时候
正常男人？
恩，快看那头发
他什么护理产品都没有用！
嘿，发生什么了？
哦，男人婆来了
来打救他们同性恋小朋友
他不是我们的朋友
斯坦
这个乐园是专为中性人设的 正常男人
带着你一点女人味的屁股 滚去别的学校
不…啊
凯尔！
你怎么了
我因为有点不同 在学校被排斥了
什么
你的同学因为你是犹太人 而排斥你？
不是
因为不是一个中性人！
杰拉尔德！
杰拉尔德，下来这里
我来了
(音乐)
不是吧，爸爸也是中性人？
凯尔！ 你看上去很恐怖！
杰拉尔德 学校里的孩子伤透他的心了
哦，是吗
难道你一点都不担心 凯尔
我们可以用奶油 涂在那黑眼上
然后用酸洗液漂白那 衣服和裤子
这很好玩，怀旧打扮
啊！ 请让我静一下！
(电视传出的音乐)
你就是这样的
看上去很梦幻
你看到了吗
喷点褐色上去， 你会变得更神奇
棒极了
现在，我们快去上探戈班
学点新舞步
正是那样
我知道我应该干什么了！
(门铃响)
你好，格里森先生
谢弗，可以和你聊聊吗
当然，进来
谢谢
来，史雷夫
那太可怕了，谢弗
我过去常觉得自己是个门外汉
一个和正常人完全不同的人 和这小镇格格不入
现在每一个正常的男人 都变得比我还要同性恋
哦，天啊！
你想我帮你什么呢？
谢弗，当白种人偷用了你们的 文化时，你怎么做的？
哦
我们黑种人只是尝试
在他们面前变得更出轨
你是怎么可以那样做的？
就像我们的俚语
黑人常说“我在这屋里”
代表“我就在这里”
但是白人就开始说“在屋子了”
所以我们就换成“在窝里”
“窝”成为了“猪窝”
然后当白种人有开始那样说
我们只有变成“洞”， 然后是“在这洞里”
最后我们还有 把“洞”换成了“窿”
所以现在白人都说 “在窿里”
我们只能是“站在地板上”
我们没有那么多时间 把所有都说，谢弗
啊，那些带中性眼光的正常人
明白他们在干什么了吧
等等，是了！
我知道该怎么做了！
来吧史雷夫先生
回去我们她妈的乱七八糟里去吧
啊不要！
他妈的，别吵
去纽约
你一个人么？
我去看那些 带同性恋眼光的正常人
哈哈，好主意
他们可以指导你那些过气衣服
格里森先生？
凯尔，你在这儿干什么呢？
我准备去纽约
杀狗眼中性人的人
什么？这就是我在做的事情！
阿不！ 他们毁灭着我的人生
我需要先杀他们
他们有真正的同性恋文化
他们的屁眼真爽！
我先想到的！
不你没有！ 你没有！
有！ 有！
我昨天就想到的！
我两天前！
你出生前我就想到！
别吵了你们俩，别吵！
多疯阿你们！
你是对的，史雷夫先生
我们可以把他们干掉
爽
喔，正点！
嗯，看那所谓同性恋 还能对我们怎样！
过来，都过来！
这有有男士优惠！
喂同志们！有男士优惠呢！
哦我的天啊！去吧！
你们至少看看我买的这些鞋！
赶快，你们这些人， 商场还有七小时就关了！
哈，我们住到里面去吧
嗯嗯，不错的主意
这些产品不分性别，好像不大好
我懂你意思
我老公都在
在照镜子看呢
他在乎自己的样子比 在乎我长什么样还多
我希望能早点结束这风潮
同志们，你们做得好棒！
鄙视正常的男人！
是我们首选的节目
能说什么呢，我们真愉悦！
你们这帮人颠覆世界了！
明天就会颠覆你
变成美国总统
我的天啊，晕倒！
敲门声
房间服务
啊？我们没有叫任何服务
哦，是一个女人在前台叫的
卡罗尔？
我会查查的，麻烦一下
清场！
好吧，史雷夫先生！
呃老天，，，老天
啊，垃圾， 那不起作用
格雷夫，你最好给我闭嘴
谁都知道啦！
不是！
就是那样
就是！
克雷格！ 行为规矩些
耶，斯坦利，你们在争什么？
爸爸，克雷格说他爸爸 能够比你穿得时髦！
什么？
儿子，你们的争论多么愚蠢啊
所有人都知道我穿得比兰迪好
真的？！
我意思是， 你跟日本妇女的时尚品味一样
噢！
拜托，小妞
你看起来就像孤儿小安妮的恶梦
不，不是的！
停下来
你们可不可以停下来？
你们把话题扯太远了
你们能不能不这样做？
你不喜欢我们中性化吗？
不！
你们知道我在想什么吗？
我觉得你们都有双性恋恐惧症！
耶！耶！
什么？
我们不应该只在我们当中比拼
我们应该联合起来 对抗双性恋恐惧症
太棒了！
疯狂，与众不同，出位…
告诉我们你想怎么做
但我们都是和你一样的人类啊
你可以带我们举行地下狂欢， 我们都会去的！
妈妈，我们为自己而自豪
没错，自豪！
你们知道我在想什么吗？
我认为我们应该举行中性化游行
好主意，埃里克 举行中性化发布会！
我们可以制造和装饰花车
用彩带和花
噢～
来吧，伙伴们
走出商场上街去！
(男人在唱圣歌) 走出商场上街去
那表演到底对他们做什么了？
你肯定你不像制止吗？
没问题，长官
我想他们想法不正确
尤其疯狂
看，伙计，我们很抱歉想逮捕你
但你必须停下来
你疯了吗？
我们是电视上最潮的
但你没看到价钱吗？
你把自己卖了
看，同性恋者在 创造一种新的生活方式
一种我们自己的文化
如果我们努力让大家加入我们
我们就不会被歧视
抱歉，查理 不卖
但是～ 这不可能
他们这些同性恋怎么 能够这样对带同伴
除非…你不是同性恋的
(低声) 你想推动它，对吗？
接着问吧
现在你知道真相了
他们不是同性恋？
那他们是什么？
一千年里
我们这些人一直生活在地底
在光明的战争中比放逐
天啊
我们是异类！
啊！
耶稣基督
异类
异类，异类
看看，我们被逼成这样了
一千年了
但很快， 我们将会统治上面的世界
然后人类将消失
消失
异类，异类
异类太少太弱，不能把人类扳倒
但我们已经有一个完美的计划
如果你不可以打倒人类—— 改变他
我知道
我知道同性恋不会 对同伴这么做的
当全世界都是中性的
那些异类会统治整个世界
异类，异类
品味吹毛求疵，说话像人类
异类
你们永远不能把我们变成中性人
我宁愿是一个肮脏猥琐的小男孩
很好！
如果我们不能把你们变成中性人
那我们就把你变成异类
拿走他们吧
(舞蹈音乐） 一切都变好了吗？
你走进了我的生活？
异类 异类
我从来没像现在那么明智
难道你把最好的东西带给了我？
你什么时候出现在我身边？
异类
一切都好起来了？
异类
汤姆， 我在佛罗里达州的南方公园
第一届年度中性化巡游在哪啊？
在地下！
(欢呼)
我们在这里！ 不是同性恋者！
但我们和他们很靠近 习惯于此
我们在这里！ 不是同性恋者！
但我们和他们很靠近
就是这样 我不能再穿它了
我将永远不再希望
一个清洁工 一个优雅的丈夫
女士们，拿好你们的东西
我知道我们要干什么了
噢，小心
天啊，着火了！
灭火 灭火
我不能这么做 那是全新的裤子
火可以烧了我的头发
我们还是让警察来处理吧
你疯了？
我刚烫了我的校服
噢，天啊，着火了！
灭火 灭火
噢 火！
校长先生，很荣幸为您服务！
我们先为您的头发做些护理
你的指甲脏了 我们把它弄干净吧
这是基佬
阻止他们 他们是基佬
你不能偷窥我们，笨蛋！
现在站好，看清楚了
到处乱跑是在捣乱
很好 校长先生
穿上这件丝绸夹克吧
别，校长 不要
救命！
臭小子
看起来很不错
加点摩丝吧
在那 就是这个
什么？
你把我们的丈夫也变成基佬了！
是时候回报了！
天啊！ 他们在干什么？
别！
你们都干什么了？
很抱歉，但我们别无选择
开始我们只是想帮顾客
变得干净整洁
我们以为在他们头发上用些东西
和做面膜 会让他们看起来更性感
可原来不是
没错，尽管斯蒂芬有时候 让我觉得很恶心
这是他的皱纹， 他的男子气概让我很着迷
真抱歉， 但我们知道唯一答案
就是干掉那些狗眼 看人低的同性恋
你要进监狱的
等等，那是什么
不，我们的魔鬼计划
不要
我的天啊
他们都是立场不坚定的人
正确
他们正准备有组织地
把人类变成人妖， 从而统治这个世界
妈妈！ 凯尔！
我早应该知道他们是暴躁的家伙
在“杰斐逊时期” 已经用过这招了
所以你可以改变一下 你的网络计划吗
好的
同性恋疯潮已经结束了
先生们 回去12好工作室
我们要寻会我们的拉丁热
嘿，艾萨斯
嘿，首领 你想要点香肠吗
凯尔！
嘿，艾萨斯 你想和我们一起玩捉迷藏吗
什么
你想我和你一起出去吗
对啊，那棒极了，福尔摩斯
不，兄弟 那不是很棒的事
你们都用背背对着我
你本应该是我最好的朋友
可你对我什么都没有做
现在你们就希望我能原谅这些
还要像什么都没有发生 再一次和你们出去
哦，天啊，凯尔 不要一直发牢骚吗
和我们一起玩捉迷藏
对！不要做个潮流屁眼
真该死
captioning made possible by comedy central
? i'm going down to south park ?
? gonna have myself a time ?
? friendly faces everywhere ?
? humble folks without temptation ?
? going down to south park ?
? gonna leave my woes behind ?
? ample parking day or night ?
? people spouting "howdy neighbor" ?
? headin' on up to south park ?
? gonna see if i can't unwind ?
? ( muffled mumble muffled mumble ) ?
? so come on down to south park ?
? and meet some friends of mine ??
oh my god, you guys are not gonna believe
what happened to me last night.
what ? tell us.
so, i'm watching the season premiere
of "boy meets boy" on television
and then "queer eye for the straight guy" comes on, right ?
so i fall asleep in front of the tv and when i wake up
i see that i've spilled the coke i was drinking
all over my satin pajama top.
oh my gosh, are you serious ?
that was the cutest top ever !
i know !
( muffled speech )
ooh, tell me about it, ken-doll.
hey, dudes.
ha ha ha ! ha ha ha haaa !
what a dork !
what ?
nice jacket, kyle !
polyester is really the hot fabric this fall !
ha ha ha haaa !
but-but, this is the jacket i always wear.
you gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
yeah, that jacket is so september 10th !
oh my god, you've got splotches on your neck.
are you using any exfoliating products at all ?
we can't let kyle out in public like this, you guys.
that's for sure !
come on, kyle, we're giving you a makeover !
( dance music ) ? you came into my life ?
? and my world never looked so bright, yeah ?
? it's true you bring out the best in me ?
? when you are around when you are around ?
? all things just keep getting better ?
? things keep getting better ?
? life keeps getting better and better ?
? things just keep getting better ??
( tv announcer ) coming up next on hbc
it's "queer eye for the straight guy" !
we have got to get you some tighter fitting shirts !
then it's "boy meets boy" followed by "will and grace".
and then: "the love boat... with men".
my goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows
on television these days.
yeah, i think it's great
that gays are finally being so accepted.
hi, mom, hi, dad !
aaaah !
kyle, what's happened to you ?
i'm just trying to fit in, daddy,
don't be such a drama queen.
oh my god !
come on, sheila, we better go tell
the other parents what's going on !
( doorbell rings, knocking )
oh, hi, gerald, sheila.
hi, sharon.
we need to talk to you about the boys.
sure, come on in.
the guys are all watching tv.
oh, is the game on or something ?
( dance music )
hey, gerald ! how are you ?
hi, gerald ! gerald !
sit down, ger-ger.
"queer eye for the straight guy" is on.
oh no, you guys all turned gay too ?
( laughter )
not gay, gerald-- metrosexual.
what's that ?
just because a guy cares about how he looks
and is in touch with his feminine side
doesn't mean he's gay anymore !
yeah, metrosexual means you're straight
but you appreciate the gay culture.
it's super fabulous, would you like some shiraz ?
don't our men look amazing ?
haven't you seen
"queer eye for the straight guy", sheila ?
these five gay men go around
and show straight men how to better themselves.
it's the best !
it is ?
well, sure, sheila,
our husbands are all so clean and neat.
my randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures !
and they like to talk about their feelings now
and drink wine and decorate the house !
my steven shaved his chest.
and his balls ! ooh, i love it !
and how about our boys, huh ?
ever since gay culture became cool
our boys bathe every night
and brush their teeth three times a day.
this is the greatest thing ever.
i don't know,
sometimes boys take cultural fads too far.
( school bell rings )
dude, i can't wait for wendy to see how gay i look !
that's true, you guys,
when the chicks at school see how gay we are,
they're gonna be all over us.
woo-hoo !
all right, let's work it !
what the--
toodle-oo, conner, see ya after classies !
okay, sweetums !
oh my god, where is my homework ?
i am frrr-eaking out !
hey, dudes.
hey, craig.
you guys look pretty gay.
thanks !
not as gay as us, though.
oh please, craig, we're 10 times gayer than you !
oh yeah ?
we're super-duper triple-dog gay !
oh yeah ?
we're ultra-super-stamp-it stamp-it-no-erasees-mega gay !
what's all this fighting about, children ?
these guys are trying to say
they're gayer than us !
oh no, don't tell me you children
have taken up this whole metrosexual fad too !
oh my god !
this is not a fad, this is who we are.
no, it isn't !
last year you children were all trying to be black,
now you're all trying to be gay !
we're metrosexual !
maybe, but you'll never be as metrosexual as us !
come on, fags !
god, i hate craig !
that son of a-- gah !
chef ?
i don't feel very metrosexual.
well then, don't buy into this fad, kyle.
be who you are, not what's cool.
( bell rings )
all right, children, let's take our seats.
( kids ) good morning, mr. garrison.
well... don't you all look nice.
ooh, timmy.
( door opens )
dude, what are you doing ?
i didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude.
i'm just being me.
ha !
told you you guys were straight !
we're not straight, you're straight !
you're straight like a freeway !
what the hell is going on ?
you wish you were gay, craig, in your dreams !
i'm not just gay, i'm a catamite !
so, i'm half bisexual !
oh, stop it !
you kids don't even know what you're talking about !
eric, you're not half bi !
i'm like, a quarter bi.
my grandpa was bi,
so that makes me quarter bi !
what ?!
it was the craziest thing i've ever seen, mr. slave.
all the children were suddenly acting like
being gay was cool.
i mean, maybe we're not the only
gay couple in town anymore.
oh, jesus christ.
( thumping dance music )
look at that, mr. slave !
our cup runneth over.
jesus christ !
mr. garrison, those are great pants.
thanks, jimbo, i really like your outfit too.
so, so, jimbo,
you wanna come back to my place
with me and mr. slave ?
uh, for what ?
well, you know...
no.
huh.
mr. garrison ! hey, doll !
oh, hey, randy.
you're looking ultra fabulous.
thanks, you too.
so, uh, randy,
you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom ?
no, no thanks, i'm not like that.
not like that ?
how about some shiraz, guys ?
oh, thanks, mr. tweek.
my pleasure, silly buns.
oh...
well, mr. tweek, why don't we go back to my place ?
why ?
well, you know, i was just thinking
we could put on some music and watch videos
and pound mr. slave's tight little ass.
ooh, jesus christ.
oh, goodness no, i'm straight.
straight ?
oh, what-- just what the hell is going on here ?!
why won't anybody pound mr. slave's butt ?
well, we don't pound butt, mr. garrison,
we're straight.
those pants and those shoes sayyoupound butt !
hey, now, that's not true.
my shoes don't say i pound butt.
no, your shoes say you take it in the butt !
it's okay, mr. garrison,
we've learned that gays are totally cool.
you're just one of us now !
( all ) yeah !
one of you ?!
we spend our whole lives trying to not be one of you !
you can't do this to us !
have you guys seen this ?
it's a conditioner that you can leave in
and it detoxifies the scalp.
wow, is that fromorigins?
yeah, it's a charcoal based thing that--
hey, guys, you wanna go throw the football around ?
guys, can i talk to you over here for a second ?
look guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay ?
and they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals
because we hang out with kyle.
well, what can we do about it ?
we have no choice, you guys.
we're just gonna have to kill kyle.
what, that's stupid !
we wouldn't have to kill kyle.
we would just have to tell him not to hang around us anymore !
oh, you know, you're right, stan.
we just have to tell kyle not to hang around us anymore.
yeah-- wait, what ?
you hear that, kenny ?
stan thinks we should tell kyle not to hang around us anymore.
i think he's right.
good luck telling him, stan,
i know it won't be easy.
hey, butch boy !
nice football you got there !
( laughter )
when was the last time you had a manicure,
straight man ?
yeah, let's see that hair.
look, he's not even using any product !
hey, what's going on ?
oh, here come the butch boys
to help their butchy little friend.
he's not our friend.
stan ?
this playground is for metrosexuals, macho man !
take your non-flaming ass to some other school !
no-- ah--
kyle !
what happened to you ?
i got beat up at school-- for being different.
what ?!
your classmates beat you up for being a jew ?
no !
for not being a metrosexual !
gerald !
gerald, get down here !
heeere i come !
( dance music )
oh, no, dad's metrosexual too ?
kyle ! you look terrible !
the boys at school beat him up, gerald !
oh, really ?
well, don't you worry, kyle.
we can cover that black eye up with some cream base,
and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash
for a fun, vintage look.
aaagh ! just leave me alone !
( dance music coming from tv )
( man ) there you go !
now you look fabulous !
you see that ?
a spray-on tan does wonders for your look !
grrrrrrr !
now, let's get down to the tango class
and learn some new steps.
that does it !
i know what i have to do !
( doorbell rings )
oh, hello, mr. garrison.
chef, can i talk to you ?
sure, come on in.
thanks.
come, slave.
it's just awful, chef.
i used to feel like an outsider,
a totally different person who stood out in this town.
now every straight guy is acting gayer than me !
oh, jesus, jesus christ !
well, what do you want me to do about it ?
chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture ?
oh.
well, we black people just always tried to stay
out in front of them.
how did you do that ?
well, like with our slang.
black people always used to say "i'm in the house"
instead of "i'm here".
but then white people all started to say "in the house"
so we switched it to "in the hisouse".
"hisouse" became "hisisouse".
and when white folk started sayingthat
and we had to change it to "heezay", then "in the hizzle",
which we had to change to "hizzle for zizzle"
and now because white people say "hizzle for zizzle"
we have to say "flippity floppity floop".
we don't have time for all that, chef !
oh, if only those "queer eye for the straight guy" people
understood what they were doing.
wait, that's it !
i know exactly what to do !
come on, mr. slave,
let's get back to our flippity floppity floop !
oh, no !
dammit, don't call it that !
one ticket to new york, please.
you're going to new york alone ?
i'm going to see the "queer eye for the straight guy" people.
ooh, great idea !
they can help you with those dated clothes.
mr. garrison ?
kyle, what are you doing here ?
i'm going to new york
to kill the "queer eye for the straight guy" people.
what ?! that's what i'm doing !
oh, no, they ruined my life--
i get to kill them first !
they took gay culture from real gays
and their asses are ours !
i thought of it first !
no you didn't ! no you didn't !
did so ! did so !
i thought of it yesterday !
i thought of it two days ago !
i thought of it before you were born !
stop it, you two, stop it !
don't you see how crazy this is ?
oh, you're right, mr. slave.
we can both kill them together.
cool.
wow, we look great !
yeah, let's see craig out-gay us now !
boys, boys, come on !
there's a sale down atexpress for men!
hey, guys, there's a sale at express for men !
oh my god ! let's go !
you guys have got to see these shoes i bought !
hurry, you guys, the mall closes in seven hours !
oh, why can't we all live at the mall ?
you know, i'm starting to think
this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
i know what you mean.
all my husband ever does now
is look at himself in the mirror.
he cares more about how he looks than how i look.
i hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
guys, you've done a terrific job !
"queer eye for the straight guy"
is our number one show !
what can i say, we're fabulous !
you guys are changing the world !
and tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over
the president of the united states !
oh my god, i think i'm gonna faint !
( knock at door )
( mr. garrison ) room service.
what ? we didn't order any room service.
oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
carol ?
i'll have to check on this, excuse me a minute, fellas.
clear !
okay, mr. slave !
uh, jesus... christ.
well, crap, that didn't work.
you better shut up, craig !
everyone knows it's true !
it is not !
is so !
craig ! behave yourself !
yeah, stanley what are you fighting about ?
dad, craig's trying to say that his dad can out-dress you !
what ?
son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
yeah, everyone already knows i dress better than randy.
oh really ?!
i mean, you do have the fashion sense of a japanese woman.
( guys ) oooh !
please, girlfriend,
you look like some kind of little orphan annie nightmare.
oh, no-- burn !
oh, stop it !
will you all just stop it ?
look, you guys are carrying this fad too far,
will you please stop acting this way ?
you don't like us being metrosexual ?
no !
well, you know what i think ?
i think you're all metrophobic !
yeah ! yeah !
what ?
we shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves,
we should be uniting against metrophobes like these !
this is crazy !
crazy, different, outcasts...
call us what you want,
but us metros are real people, just like you.
you can metro-bash us all you want, but we're here to stay !
yeah, mom, we're proud of who we are.
that's right, proud !
you know what i think, guys ?
i think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.
great idea, eric-- raise metrosexual awareness !
we can make floats and decorate them
with streamers and flowers !
woo-hoo !
come on, fellas !
out of the malls and into the streets !
( men chanting ) out of the malls and into the streets !
out of the malls and into the streets...
what the hell did that show do to them ?
you sure you don't want to press charges ?
that's okay, officer,
i think they learned murder is wrong.
especially inthosepants.
look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you,
but you have to stop what you're doing !
are you crazy ?
we're the hottest thing on tv !
but don't you see the price ?
you're selling out your own kind.
look, us gays have created a lifestyle,
a culture that is uniquely ours.
if we keep trying to make straight people into us,
well, we're gonna have no identity left.
sorry charlie, no sale.
but... but... this doesn't make sense !
how can gay men do this to their own people ?!
unless... you're not gay at all.
( deep voices ) you just had to push it, didn't you ?
just had to keep asking questions.
now you know the truth.
they aren't gay ?
then what are they ?
for a thousand years
our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust,
banished by man in the kindling wars.
oh my god.
we are the crab people !
aaaah !
jesus christ !
( chanting ) crab people...
crab people, crab people...
( chanting ) crab people, crab people...
see now, where we have been forced to live
for a thousand years !
but soon, we shall rule the land above
and mankind will be gone !
gone ?!
crab people, crab people...
crab people are too small and weak to take man over by force,
and so we came up with our perfect plan.
if you can't beat man-- change man !
i knew it.
i knew gay people would never do this to their own kind !
when all the world is metrosexual
the crab people shall finally reign supreme !
crab people, crab people...
taste like crab, talk like people.
crab people...
you'll never turn me into a metrosexual !
i like being a dirty, filthy little boy !
very well !
if we can't make you into metrosexuals
then we will make you into crab people !
take them !
( dance music ) ? ... things just keep getting better ?
? you came into my life... ?
crab people... crab people...
? and my world never looked so bright ?
? it's true you bring out the best in me ?
? when you are around when you are around... ?
crab people...
? things just keep getting better ??
crab people...
tom, i'm standing in south park, colorado
where the first annual metrosexual pride parade
is under way !
( cheering )
we're here ! we're not queer !
but we're close ! get used to it !
we're here ! we're not queer !
but we're close...
this does it ! i can't take it anymore !
i should have never wished for
a cleaner, neater husband !
ladies, get your things.
i know what we have to do.
whoa, look out !
oh my god ! it's on fire !
put it out ! put it out !
i can't do anything-- these are brand-new pants !
the heat could really damage our hair !
we better let the police handle this !
are you crazy ?
i just had my uniform pressed !
oh jesus, it's burning !
put it out ! put it out !
jesus ! fire !
mr. president, it is such an honor to make you over !
now, we've got to do something with your hair.
and your nails are filthy, let's get those clean.
this is gay gold !
stop them ! they're crab people !
they cannot see or hear us, foolish man !
now stand by and watch
as your pitiful race becomes helpless !
that is very good, mr. president !
now, put on this silk jacket.
no, mr. president, don't do it !
help !
you bastards.
that looks great !
now, how about some moisturizer.
there they are ! get 'em !
what ?
you turned our husbands into whiny little wusses !
it's payback time !
oh my god ! what are they doing ?
no, nooo !
wha-- what have you done ?
we're sorry, but we didn't have a choice.
you see, at first we liked having our men
be clean and neat.
we thought that having them use product in their hair
and wanting facials would make them sexier.
but it doesn't.
that's right, even though my stephen sicks me out sometimes,
it's his rugged, manly grossness that i'm attracted to.
we're sorry, but we knew the only answer
was to kill the queer eye guys.
well, you're going to jail for the--
wait a minute-- what is that ?
no, our evil plans.
nooo...
oh my god.
they were crab people.
yes !
they were trying to systematically
make men into wusses so they could take over the world !
mom ! kyle !
i should have known they were crab people.
they tried this before with "the jeffersons".
so now can you please change your network's programming ?
yes.
yes, i think this gay fad is over.
gentlemen, back to studio 12.
we're gonna bring back the latin fad !
hey,eses.
hey,jefe, you want somecervesa?
kyle !
hey, ese, you wanna come play catch with us ?
what ?
you want me to hang out with you ?
yeah, it's cool, holmes.
no, dude, it really isn't cool.
you all turned your backs on me.
you're supposed to be my best friends and you just,
you treated me like nothing.
and now you all expect me to just forget it all
and hang out with you again like nothing happened ?
oh jesus, kyle, don't be such a whiny little gay-wad.
come play catch with us.
yeah, don't be such a fag, dude !
god dammit.
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