♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole
♪ Yessah ha-ha
♪ Yes, girls.
♪ Me mind on fire Me soul on fire
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ Party people all around me
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ What to do on a night like this
♪ Music sweet I can't resist
♪ We need a party song
♪ A fundamentaljam
♪ So we go rum-bum-bum-bum
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ See people rocking Hear people chanting
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ Keep up this spirit Come on, let's do it
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ It's in the air Celebrating time
♪ Music sweet Captivate your mind
♪ We have this party song
♪ This fundamentaljam
♪ So we go rum-bum-bum-bum
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot...
Casual sex?
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪
You gotta be kidding.
- I can't deal with it. - Me neither.
Not anymore. Just the thought of it makes me paranoid.
- Well, we should introduce ourselves. I'm Stacy. - I'm Melissa.
Right now, we're both scared of being single and having sex.
- I've always been scared of sex. - Not me.
This is kind of embarrassing to admit,
but I remember when it was actually fun to say
"Wow, that really felt great. What's your name again?"
I've never had sex with someone I didn't know.
For that matter, I've never said "Wow, that felt really great".
Sex always seemed like the best way to feel really connected with guys.
I guess that's 'cause I grew up when I did.
I wasn't much of a trendsetter during the sexual revolution.
It would've been a lot easier if I would've been more like Stacy.
- Melissa, you'll never guess what. - What?
Last, night, Kenny Kreiger came over
to where I was baby-sitting and guess what?
What?
- We were fooling around and guess what happened? - What?
He made me touch it.
It was so weird. It was like skin, only different.
What color was it?
I don't know, I didn't look at it. I just touched it.
- You never saw it? - Well, I don't know, it felt like...
Orange.
By senior year, I saw it. But I still couldn't tell you what color it was.
A month after my 17th birthday, I finally did it. With it.
- Is that it? Did we do it? - Yeah.
It kinda hurt. But it was good.
Yeah. Did you see my other shoe anywhere?
By my second year of college, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer.
I was the only virgin left in the dorm.
Except Ronny, who knew even less about sex than I did.
Please, Ronny, you're my best male friend.
The first time I do it, I want it to be with someone I'm comfortable with.
Well...
Okay. But let's not get all freaked out afterwards.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
- I guess I should undress now? - That would be good.
You want foreplay?
Yeah. That...
Would be good.
I was especially hot for struggling artistic types with a lot of potential.
Like Baylor Schneff, neo-post-pop-Expressionist.
His lovemaking was just like his art.
Primitive, but passionate.
Brian Ellis, lead guitarist with Dripping Sweat.
I couldn't get enough of those backstage passes.
Gunther Kroger, the sous chef that trained me.
He taught me to trust my instincts in the kitchen.
Joey Eagans, the closing act at the Giggle Box.
His timing was even better horizontally.
But not every man in my life was an artistic genius.
Some, I must admit, were very attractive strangers.
It was the early '80s and sex was still a good way to meet new people.
Uh, excuse me.
I was never as adventurous as Stacy.
Apart from that time with Ronny, I only slept with one other person.
Gary Erdman, the guy I almost married.
I teach kindergarten, and one of my kids fixed us up.
Well, actually it was Joey's mum, but Joey took the credit.
God, I love the idea of being married, of not being by myself.
With Gary, I thought I was finally comfortable with my own sexuality.
To Bird, inside, over. Open basket...
But deep down I guess I knew it wasn't going to work.
Okay, so I didn't know, but I had a feeling.
- Gary? - Uh-huh?
- Do you love me? - Sure.
I love you. Unbelievable! The Celtics always get the breaks.
Two weeks before the wedding, Gary changed his mind.
He said he was sorry, but he was going through a selfish phase.
Luckily, the tags were still on my dress,
but I couldn't return the 600 monogrammed napkins.
Just once, I'd like to wear a sexy white dress blowing all around me
and not have men run away screaming.
Just once, I'd like to have the kind of sexual experience
where you don't go to the bathroom and cry afterwards.
I bet Marilyn cried in the bathroom after sex.
Probably more than once. Everyone does.
- Men, too? - They can't, they're asleep.
Maybe Melissa envied my reckless past,
but some time around the mid-'80s, I started regretting it.
One day I was standing in line at the Mini Mart
and I happened to look at the magazine rack.
Time, Newsweek, People, it was on every cover.
So, Stacy.
- How are things at the restaurant? - Oh, fine.
Yeah? When are they gonna make you a chef?
Soon. Do you have my results?
Yeah, don't worry, you're fine.
- You tested for everything? - Well, yeah, I tested for everything. Okay?
- And you're perfectly healthy. - Are you sure?
I'm sure. Goodbye, Stacy.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, for sparing a formerly flirtatious,
spontaneous and... Let's face it,
much-too-promiscuous slamhound.
You won't be sorry, 'cause from now on, I swear I'll lead a life of pure sublimation.
I'll aerobicize my little heart out. I'll meditate. I'll compose symphonies.
I'll do anything to keep myself from ever touching human flesh again.
I'll give new meaning to the word "celibacy".
Oh...
Stacy, you don't have to commit to lifelong celibacy.
Just practise safe sex.
"Safe sex."
Who'd have thought those two words would exist in the same sentence?
I don't know, maybe abstinence isn't such a bad thing.
Beats sleeping with guys who don't call you back afterwards.
And you and I have more in common now that we're both afraid of sex.
That's consoling.
I miss it. I mean, I don't know how to get close to men without it.
There's your boyfriend.
So what? There's yours.
Well, it's been ten months and 17 days,
and the only man who looked safe to me was Dr. Goodman, and I wasn't attracted to him.
Then it seemed like I wasn't attracted to anybody,
which scared me more than AIDS did.
- Where were you? - God, I'm sorry, but I got a great surprise.
What?
This is where we're going on our vacation.
Okay. "Oasis Health Spa".
They're all exercising. That's not a vacation.
No, there's all kinds of social events. Look, there's dancing, and parties.
Look how pretty it is. Look.
Oh, no.
My mom told me about a cruise to Hawaii
where we can lay out in the sun and be blobs for a week.
That's a vacation.
Yeah, but what kind of guys are we gonna meet?
At this place, at least we know everybody's into being healthy.
I mean, it'll help me with my paranoia.
- Stacy. How's it going? - Oh.
Hi, Baylor. Do you remember him from the Fringe Festival?
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Stacy, I'm into something totally different now.
I can't even put it into words. Why don't you come over?
Um, uh, I'm sorry, we're having lunch.
Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Let me give you my new address.
My new number. Okay.
- It's a garage arrangement. - Great.
I gotta get out of this town.
Goodbye!
Yay!
♪ Yessah ha-ha...
- We're so color-coordinated. - God! We're gonna be the best-looking ones there.
♪ Me mind on fire Me soul on fire
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ Party people all around me
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot
♪ What to do on a night like this
♪ Music sweet, I can't resist
♪ We need a party song
♪ A fundamentaljam
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot... ♪
I want you two to know, you got the biggest room in the place.
Really?
Yeah, it used to be the honeymoon suite when this was a regular hotel.
Why don't you two take a look around and I'll get your luggage up to your room.
- Ready to go break some hearts? - Uh-huh.
- Bye, darling. - Bye.
♪ See people rocking Hear people chanting
♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot... ♪
Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.
Oh, my God, I feel so much healthier now and we just checked in.
♪ It's in the air Celebrating time
♪ Music sweet Captivate your mind
♪ We have this party song
♪ This fundamentaljam
♪ So we go rum-bum-bum-bum
♪ Hot, hot, hot... ♪
Come on.
Hey, how you doin'? My name's Vinny.
- Hi. - You girls better be nice to me.
I came all the way from New York just to meet you.
- Really? What part? - Well, actually, uh, Patterson, New Jersey.
You familiar with the Straight Street exit?
- Not really. - No?
Then what you do, you hop on the George Washington bridge, right?
When you get right past the Leonia Park exit,
you pick up Highway 80,
which is also known as the Passaic Highway.
Vinny, Vinny, I'm sorry, but...
- We have to get back to our rooms. - Our suitcases.
Sorry. Bye.
That's your boyfriend.
Did... Did I say go west on 80?
Hey, how you doin'? My name's Vinny.
I came all the way from New York just to meet with you.
A lot of people don't know that.
Yeah.
Make way for the condom express.
- What's that? - Just in case you fall in love.
There's enough there for the whole planet to fall in love.
Well, that's the point, Melissa. Hello?
Hello?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Uh, welcome to Oasis. - Would you like to come in? Come in.
- Yeah, okay. - Come in.
Room service.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Jamie.
Um, but for some reason, I don't think you're Chuck and Eli.
Oh, no, this is Melissa and I'm Stacy.
- What can we do for you? - Um, uh...
Part of my job is to take the measurements of all the male guests.
Er, you're not hiding Chuck and Eli in here, are you?
No.
Look, why don't you take our measurements?
We gotta get it over with anyway, right?
Right. Right. Well, come on, who's first?
These aren't really my hips.
They're a cruel joke that runs in my family.
Melissa, why are you being so hard on yourself. You look great.
Yeah, I absolutely agree.
Now, Melissa, I've yet to meet anyone who's come here
totally satisfied with their bodies.
Now, you may not have noticed this,
but I'm not exactly what you would call, uh...
- Tall? - Tall, yeah.
- And I've never liked my feet. - Really? I love my feet.
If you'd like me to provide you with some vital statistics
that can't be measured in public place,
- I'd be happy to do so. - You mean your IQ?
My weight's okay, it's just the way I wear it. Huh?
Natural spring water, from deep underground.
It purifies, it cleanses,
and everyone must drink at least 10 glasses of it a day.
Whoo!
- How you doing, Megan? - Pretty good.
- You look good. - Thank you.
All right.
Come on, with some energy.
Pick those knees up, pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.
Oh, come on. Have some fun.
Megan obviously got the good trampoline.
Don't let it get to you.
Just think if you separated her individual body parts with say, like,
a huge meat cleaver,
and then laid them out on a table,
you wouldn't think she was such hot stuff.
You take a flag?
Hi, I'm Nick.
- I'm Stacy. - Hi, Stacy.
- This is my friend, Melissa. - Hi, Melissa.
Hi.
Wow, you girls get all dressed up for me?
I'd love to say yes, but I was really just hoping
we'd look fantastic in these beanies.
And you will.
But you need the flags for the full effect.
Okay, dig in.
Now, remember, um...
Don't show your flag until Frankie gives you the word.
- All right. - I hope you meet someone nice.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey, hi, it's Chuck and Eli.
Good to see you. Welcome. Welcome to the Spa Beverage Center.
You guys want something to drink?
I take it that's got mineral water in it.
97 per cent, just like your body.
Hmm. If it was like my body, it would be 97 per cent ice cream.
- I'll have some guava juice, please. - Okay. How about you, Melissa?
You remembered my name.
Hello! Okay, everybody, get over here.
Come on! Come on!
Come back anytime, day and night, I live for making this stuff.
- Okay. - Okay, everybody, get over here.
Come on. Come on.
That guy has got the biggest boner for you.
Come on, Stacy. He makes fruit drinks.
He's a nutritionist, you're a kindergarten teacher. I say go for it.
No way. He's one of those, you know,
really nice guys you can just joke around with.
- Like somebody's brother. - Where is everybody?
I thought you'd disappeared, you all look so thin already.
I can't believe it!
This is International Night.
Here's your chance to say bonjour, guten tag and buongiorno and howdy
to all your new best friends.
I hope you kept your flags well hidden,
because if you haven't guessed by now, the person whose flag matches yours
- will be your date for the evening, okay? - Ooh!
But now, the moment's come, so let's unfurl our flags,
let's just take them out right now.
Let's wave them up in the air, shall we? Come on.
There we go. Wave 'em, wave 'em. There we go.
This is how it works.
You take your flag and you stick it in the lovely hole,
right on top of your hat, that's right.
Just like that. Then, when I blow the whistle,
you run, find your partner, fall in love and have babies.
Yes, it's that easy.
Get ready. And...
Stacy, I see my guy.
He's gorgeous. Ecuador! Ecuador!
Ecuador!
Hello, I'm Matthew.
Melissa.
- So... - So...
You know what I'm noticing?
How significant the first encounter is.
Every word forms an irreversible impression.
Yeah.
You look really good in that hat.
Let's talk.
- What's your name again? - Melissa.
Melissa.
Excuse me. Hi, could you do me a little, tiny favor?
The guy I got matched up with, I know him already, you know.
I was kind of hoping to meet someone new.
So, would you mind just, you know, trading with me?
I don't know. I think we should just stick to the rules.
Listen, nobody is even gonna know about this, all right?
- And this guy is so worth it. - I mean...
- What's he like? - Oh, total fox, way cool.
You gotta meet him. You'll drop dead.
- I don't think so. - Please? Please!
I mean, as a personal little favor for me.
I'm telling you, you're gonna be thanking me.
- Okay. - Great.
You know what Dutch men are like, too. Real handsome
and virile and big.
Denmark?
Anyone seen Denmark?
Hey! Stacy!
Holland! Can you fuckin' believe that?
Mmm-hmm. I can.
Can I ask you a personal question?
- Sure. - What do you think of this body, huh?
Well, you're real muscular and some sure women like that.
Oh, they do.
I mean, this body is meant to be enjoyed by people, you know?
I could trash it, but, no, I choose to beautify it like Central Park.
- Right. Just stay away from it at night. - Oh, come on, baby, be brave.
Let's take a little carriage ride through the park, huh?
- No, thanks, I've already seen it. - No. Not all of it.
Not that giant new monument going up, baby, oh!
I'm concerned about this penis-size thing.
I wanna know how men feel. Is it really such a big deal with you guys?
Like, do you obsess about it?
Do you measure it and compare it to the penis next to yours in the men's room?
Do you secretly wish there was some sort of
penis-development cream or machine at the gym?
Gary told me they're all the same size when they're erect.
So, anyway, like I was saying...
I'm driving this rich couple around in my limo, right?
Then, get this, Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple of twenties in my face,
says he wants me to get it on with his wife while he watches, right?
You know what I'm talking about, right, snapper head?
Yeah, good. Anyway, next thing you know, bada bing, bada bang,
the lady climbs over the front seat, hops on the armrest,
and starts begging me to rip off her gown.
She's getting all hot, naturally, and he is, too,
from all the heavy breathing I hear in the back seat.
He's yelling, "Nail her! Nail her!"
I look in the rear-view, the guy's having some kind of asthma attack.
Turns out he's yelling, "Inhaler! Inhaler!"
So we gotta do a little detour over to St. Vincent's.
They get out, I don't see no money,
and worst of all, the Vin Man's left with a very frustrated Mr. Peabody.
I only hope that woman is resilient enough
to overcome her unfulfilled desires for you, Vinny.
You know, Matthew's a psychologist.
I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy.
That would be good for me.
Actually, I'm here to do research for a book I'm writing
on the psychosexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females.
Yeah, me, too.
Vinny, look, you don't have to walk me all the way there.
It's okay.
Oh, no. No, no, I'm your date, you're my responsibility.
Safety. There are a lot of creeps around here, you don't know that.
All right, Vinny, thanks. Bye.
Hey, that's nice carpet you got in there. Is that new?
Vinny, that's it, the date's over.
Vinny, look, you've been all over me for the past three hours
and I think I've been pretty tolerant
because it seems like there's a very funny, appealing guy in there.
Somewhere.
Good night.
Hey, look, maybe I'll come in, we'll talk about it.
I mean, that's a valid point.
Bye.
Yeah, I mean, uh...
Uh, maybe we'll do it again sometime, I don't know.
Yeah.
I gotta go anyway. Really.
No, no, Stacy. Stacy, don't beg, it don't look good on you.
Really, another time, please. Please.
I mean, I realize I'm the best from the East, I'm a wild crazy beast,
I'm the Vin Man.
Please, honey, not tonight.
...97, 98, 99...
- Ew, it's horrible. - It's not that bad, Melissa.
Yes, it is...
I feel like a windshield wiper.
Melissa, there's your boyfriend.
We gotta do it.
- Let's go. - I can't.
I can't either, but we have to.
Come on.
- You having fun? - Yes.
This is the most perfect date I've ever been on.
Stacy, how are you? Jim Farrell, we went to the prom together.
I took Stacy's virginity.
- How about that? - Nick, get me out of here.
No, wait, I want to thank you.
'Cause of all the help you gave me with my trig homework,
I got accepted to MIT.
I'm not an underachiever anymore.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
- How've you been? - Fine.
I've missed you. You've changed my life, you know.
After being with you,
I had the courage to sit down and write a Pulitzer Prize winning novel.
You might just recognize the heroine.
- Who are you? - Kenny Kreiger.
Don't you remember?
You touched it.
Thank so much for doing that, by the way.
I bragged to everyone at school about it.
Now I'm still popular. I'm running for Class President.
Psst! Psst!
Psst! Stacy?
Stacy, remember me? Mike Sullivan. The guy that never called you back?
Oh, I've been paying for that mistake every day since.
I'm a complete failure. I can't hold a steady job.
I had to move back in with my parents. I'd call you now,
but they won't let me use the phone. They just won't let...
I'll always call you back.
You have nothing to worry about with me.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
Maybe start on a clean slate.
Even though I'm incredibly sexy,
I have never been to bed with anyone
in my entire life.
Oh, my God.
Do you, Melissa, take Gary to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to honor and cherish from this day forth as long as you both could live?
I do.
Gary, do you take Melissa to be your lawful-wedded wife,
to honor and cherish from this day forth as long as you both may live?
- I do. - Stop!
Melissa, you don't have to marry him.
I'll marry you.
- I'll marry you. - I'll marry you, Melissa.
- Who are you? - Well, you don't know me, but your parents do
and they love me.
- Melissa. - I love you, Melissa.
- Melissa, I love you. - I'll marry you.
Melissa, I love you. You can trust me.
I love you, Melissa.
It was the weirdest dream.
I have no idea how those thoughts got into my head.
I have no imagination.
You're horny.
I am not horny.
I hate that word.
I'm extraordinarily horny. I haven't had sex since a year ago April.
Wow, that's an even longer stretch than me. Why?
Well, I found out my boyfriend was seeing other women,
and I had to end it. It was making me too nervous.
Yeah. Now when you're with a guy, you're not just sleeping with him,
you're sleeping with everyone they've had sex with.
And everyone they've had sex with.
Gee, I'm a lot more experienced than I thought I was.
What do you miss most about sex?
I miss falling asleep with someone's arms around me.
And a feeling of...
Orgasm?
I love orgasms.
Hmm.
I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder vibrator
with the flexible shaft and the textured head.
I wish I missed it as much as you guys do.
What about Gary? Didn't you guys have some down-and-dirty sex? Hmm?
Well...
Um, one time, we did it twice in a row.
And the first time, it wasn't too bad,
and the second time, it took a lot longer,
and I came so close.
Haven't you ever had an orgasm?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, not really.
I mean, not with someone else in the room.
Melissa, you never told me that before.
Well, it's okay. I mean, It'll work itself out.
Well, it took me a while to figure it out, too.
It's complicated for women. But I think it's best on top.
You know, if you take control,
and then, like, really move around until you find the right spot.
Really? I like to be on the bottom.
And I just move my hips like this.
- You can have one with the guy on top? - Mmm-hmm.
I hate you. How do you do that?
- Just like this. - Wh... Wh...
- What are you doing? A circle? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, just a little circle.
Like a little "O".
- What are you doing here? - You didn't schedule a massage?
- You? - The very best.
Aye, aye, aye.
I... I can't help it.
Why don't we try a real easy exercise,
that might help you loosen up a little?
Okay.
All right, I want you to pay attention to your breathing.
In.
And out.
That's good. Now...
Try to imagine that your body is very heavy.
That shouldn't be hard to imagine.
Hey, only positive thoughts.
Okay.
Oh, hi.
Sounds great.
Yeah, thanks. It's just something I've been working on.
Don't let me interrupt you.
No, no, you're not, I was stuck anyway.
Do you write a lot of songs?
Yeah, I used to. I used to be in a band.
Ever heard of Bruce Springsteen?
- Yeah. - I have a lot of his records.
No, I really was a musician, but I, um,
I gave it up for a rewarding career as a health shaper.
Don't you miss it? You're really talented.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah...
Thanks. I do, I do miss it, but, uh...
I mean, I can't complain. I'm getting paid to stay in shape, right?
What about your plans later? I mean, after your spa career?
I don't know. There's some things I'm working on.
I'm putting some things together,
I'm working on stuff, you know, there's a lot of things going on.
Right.
See ya later. Get back to work.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Huh?
- How about one of your special drinks? - Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Now that's a pretty dress. - Thank you!
Makes you look feminine.
Uh, Melissa, why don't we go dance?
- Okay. - Okay?
Jamie, back to work. I need an aggressive beverage.
Let's dance.
The way you move, it's so expressive.
Now, most women would be too embarrassed to really let themselves go like that.
Do you know how complex you are, Melissa?
Um, I think so.
I feel the need to understand you.
To know why you are who you are.
And how you became that way.
And when.
How about a real drink, huh?
- Oh, I don't know. - You don't know?
Come on, take a shot, baby. Get this party rolling.
Well, just a little. I don't want to ruin the effects of my colonic.
When I was 13, I got caught plagiarizing from the World Book,
and my dad ripped my phone out of the wall.
Then he said that I had to return
my American Legion Award in front of the whole school,
because I didn't deserve it because you're supposed to be honest.
And so I cried the whole night, because I couldn't figure out
how I would stand in front of the whole school
and give back my American Legion Award.
They would think I was crazy. Then the next day at school,
my heart was pounding the whole day...
Uh, I can tell you later.
Melissa, did you know that women experience
63 percent more heightened neurological sensitivity during the arousal phase
than during climax itself?
Really? I like all the phases.
- I should stop. - But you don't want to, right?
I feel so many things right now.
This is kinda interesting. They were really easy getting on.
Hello!
I cannot tell you how excited I am
to bring you an unexpected treat tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present our very own
Mr. Nick Lawrence.
♪ I really see you
♪ You are really here
♪ And when we touch
♪ You don't disappear
♪ It's goin' like I planned
♪ It's all that I'm worth
♪ It's strange and beautiful
♪ It's heaven and earth
♪ Who you really are
♪ And who I really am
♪ Comes shining through
♪ Shining through... ♪
What's the matter?
We have a problem.
Well, what is it?
I can't. I'm sorry.
- Is it me? - No, no, no. It's not you.
It's me. I'm not attracted to you.
Oh.
Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection,
rather as an acceptance between two people
whose needs are profoundly incompatible.
And you're not alone.
I devote an entire chapter to this in my book.
D'you want me to walk you back?
- No, it's okay. - Melissa, I know you're hurting.
But whatever you do, don't judge those feelings.
They're just feelings.
They're great.
I really wish you hadn't seen that.
♪ We gotta find a hero
♪ Somewhere, sometime
♪ We gotta be strong
- ♪With love on your mind - ♪ No, no
♪ Rescue each other
♪ And hold on to the end
♪ To the hand of a stranger
♪ The hand of a friend
- ♪ Behind your eyes - ♪ Everything I believed in
♪ I see myself in you
♪ Behind your eyes
♪ I've found something new
♪ Yeah, behind your eyes
♪ Behind your eyes
♪ I found the things that I never knew
♪ Before
♪ Behind your eyes ♪
Hey.
Vinny!
- Hi. - You're drunk.
It's happy hour.
You coulda fooled me.
- Uh, you want a shot? - No, I'd better not.
Okay.
Yeah.
That'll make you feel better.
It's good stuff, huh?
It's good, see? We'll have our own party, okay?
Just me and you.
- What kind of a party? - Um...
This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell you a joke, a funny joke.
A joke you're gonna like. And, uh...
Now what happens, you laugh, you gotta take a shot of this.
If you don't laugh, I gotta take a shot.
- Okay. - All right, here's the joke.
All right. There's this old guy, right?
He's like 80 years old, maybe 81.
It doesn't matter after 30. You know what I'm saying?
So anyway, this guy says
he wants one last night of really havin' a good time, you know?
So he goes out, he hops a few bars, meets this bimbo, right?
Bada bing, bada bang, they're goin' at it all night long.
And she was young, like 19 years old,
I'm surprised the guy even lived through that, right?
- Well, what's the funny part? - I'm gettin' to that.
I'm getting to the funny part, all right?
Don't put me under pressure here.
So now what happens, the guy goes to confession a few days later, right?
So he's tellin' the priest everything, like, play-by-play
what happened that night.
So the priest says, "Say 20 Hail Marys and you'll get forgiveness."
So, the guy tells the priest, "I ain't even Catholic."
So the priest says, "Then why are you telling me this whole story?"
He goes "I'm not just tellin' you."
"I'm tellin' everybody."
You see what I'm saying to you?
I don't get it.
Well, they're not all golden, honey, you know?
What about you? You got a joke?
Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me.
Why did the chicken go halfway across the street?
- Why? - He wanted to lay it on the line.
You're not laughing.
Oh, not yet.
Not yet. Inside, it's building. It's building.
About a half hour from now, I'll be rolling all over the beach, I'm telling you.
You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics.
Wait, I get one to be fair.
Okay. All right. I'll tell you what, you like charades?
You like charades?
All right.
All right, um... All right, what's this?
It's a movie, right?
Nick, I think we should talk about something, but it's no big deal.
What?
Well, it's kinda hard to say.
Well, then whisper it.
It's been a long time for me and the thing is...
I feel like I should ask you questions, but I don't want to interrogate you.
Medical history questions?
Yes.
You have be so careful and you don't know who anybody's been with.
- I'm not saying anything about you, but I... - I know. Shh.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
This is a miracle. For once, it's all up to him.
No tubes, no jellies, no furtive trips to the bathroom.
I can just sit back and let it happen.
I don't have to do anything.
I'm not too good with these things.
Are you gonna give me a hand putting it on?
Sure.
The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit.
The bad news is that you have herpes simplex one and two,
trichomonas, gonorrhea,
Acute Immune Deficiency Syndrome related complex,
vulva lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts,
and a potentially unbearable case of the crabs.
But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count.
Oh, all contact counts.
But I thought I had safe sex.
Oh. No sex is safe enough for you, Melissa.
Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation.
I must have fallen asleep.
Oh, I wish I were dead.
Oh...
I'll be all right.
- Cigarette, honey? - No.
- Where you going? - Going back to my room to take a shower.
Hey, don't worry about it, you know? Uh...
We'll do it again sometime.
Chicks.
♪ I'm the best from the East, I'm a wild, crazy beast
♪ I'm the Vin Man ♪
That's the most intense it's ever been for me.
I feel like I died for a second.
Me, too.
Only it wasn't like dying, it was more like sinking.
- It was like flying. - Yeah, flying.
Not just flying, but actually hurtling through outer space.
Galaxy after galaxy.
I'm sorry, I can't get a cab here in time.
- You won't make the eight o'clock bus. - Oh, yes, I will.
Well, there's another one at two o'clock.
No. I can't stay here any longer.
Will you please see that Stacy Hunter gets that.
Melissa, you're not leaving us, are you?
Melissa, seeking escape from a challenging environment
points to potentially very serious personality deficits.
You really ought to consider analysis...
Asshole.
- Hop in the back, honey. - Thanks.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Can I make the bus to LA? - Just missed it.
Dammit.
- Next one leaves at two o'clock. - Oh, okay.
I'll take one for the two o'clock.
Excuse me, Melissa told me to give you this.
What is it?
Melissa went back to LA.
It's all my fault. I gotta go home.
You're just gonna leave?
I have to. She doesn't have anybody else.
Aw, Stacy.
Stacy... I wanna go with you.
I'd love that, but what about your classes?
I'll get someone to cover for me.
I'm gonna go with you.
I lied.
I was extremely attracted to you.
I just didn't want you to see my unusually small penis.
Wait.
Melissa, you're alive!
Jamie! I am!
- Kiss me. - Jamie.
Jamie...
Jamie.
Jamie, you're here.
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to make sure you were all right.
Guess I'd better pack Melissa's stuff, too, huh?
- I hope she's okay. - You know, I've been thinking, Stacy.
Yeah?
I might wanna stay in LA for a while.
But you'll lose your job.
You know, maybe that's not such a bad thing.
I mean, LA's where all the music people are, right?
- Yeah. - I could give it a shot.
You should. You're so good.
And you could stay at my place.
Really?
You really have to go home?
I don't know.
I just feel so left out at that place.
But if I go home, then it's like I just gave up.
Besides, what if my body starts to crave that mineral water?
Can we have two tickets, please.
Yeah, we're going to Hollywood.
Why don't you just put it on your credit card.
I don't have one.
Really?
Yeah. I don't believe in 'em.
Oh.
Well, just put 'em both on my credit card
and you can write me a check later.
No checking account.
Oh.
Besides, I got more in my wallet.
We're goin' to Hollywood.
Jamie, I am so glad you're back.
Listen, you gotta take over Nick's aerobics classes for me.
- Why? Where's Nick? - Uh, he left with Stacy back to LA.
- What? - Jamie, please.
I tried teaching one of the classes myself.
I almost passed out. It was really embarrassing.
- All right, sure. No problem. - Thanks, sport.
Nick. I can't believe it.
Stacy would never get married without telling me.
- Let's go see what's going on. - Why didn't she tell me?
Hi, Snapper.
Hey, here she is, my favorite tenant.
Hi, Gus. This is Nick.
- Yeah, nice to meet you. - Yeah, howdy.
You can put those bags up by the dumper, okay, buddy?
Come on.
Oh... Wow!
This is beautiful.
My God...
This is beautiful!
Stacy, where are you?
I'm in your apartment. Where the hell are you?
I'm here. Why are you there?
Well, you were in trouble, so I came to help
and dragged Nick all the way back with me. This is nuts.
Didn't you guys run off to get married?
No, like I'd almost marry someone I met two seconds ago.
I mean, I want...
I know him enough to know I want to know him better,
but that's not the point, the point is your note scared me.
I'm... I'm really sorry I got you all worried.
All right. At least I know you're okay.
Stacy, I hope things work out between you and Nick.
Yeah, thanks.
Look, I gotta go.
Are you sure you're okay? Are you sure you don't want me to come back there?
I'm... I'm fine, I gotta go.
All right. Bye.
Guess I'm not going anywhere.
I don't get it, I'm hot, tight, vastly entertaining.
I thought that's what women want.
Yeah, I know the feeling, pal.
What do you say we go into the gift shop and get you a nice, free Oasis T-shirt?
How does that sound?
You know, I used to have it all figured out.
It's like women changed when I had my back turned.
Ah, that's rough. You know I read somewhere...
Where is it? Where is it? Oh. Here it is.
Here you go.
"The Pretend You're Sensitive Handbook."
Nice save, hon.
Yeah. I can't believe how much stuff I got.
But I want you to know, I'm not gonna take up any of your closet space.
What I'd like to do, huh, what I'd like to do
is stick everything over here in the corner
and get one of those cardboard drawer things, you know?
You don't have to do that, I can make room.
- You're so easy to live with. - Yeah.
Now, here...
Here's my contribution to the apartment.
Oh...
Well... I guess I'll just go put these away right now.
- That's great. - Think I got another one in here, too, hon.
Help.
Jamie, you know,
you've done everything a human could possibly do this week to make me happy.
Not everything.
Well... I... Yeah, I know...
But... It's just, like... I feel like...
It just wouldn't feel right for me to get romantic with you.
Why not?
Well, you're not the usual kind of guy that I'm attracted to.
Oh, no?
I mean, you're really attractive, but... But, um...
I mean, I thought maybe we should just stick to being friends.
Hey, Stace! You wanna cruise up and down Sunset Boulevard?
You can show me where the stars hang out, hon.
Oh, Nick, you won't believe what just happened!
I called into work, there's a big emergency. They need me. I gotta go.
- Really? - Yeah, oven problems or something.
But I'll be back just as soon as I can and I'll call you, okay?
You just stay here and have a good time, okay?
Okay. Hey, and I love it here, hon.
Oh! You think it's too late to use the stereo?
I need a small car that's really easy to handle.
You'll be fine. Just take your time and don't be intimidated by it, okay?
Thanks.
Wow. Do I look any different?
Gosh, I'm so good in bed.
- Jamie? - What?
I never thought it would happen to me.
You're a genius.
I'm a genius.
I bet we could even do it again.
Maybe we should wait a few minutes.
- Okay. - Okay.
Do you have the key to room 34, please?
Stacy, so nice to see you. Um...
Do you have a few minutes? I mean...
It occurred to me, I don't even know where you work.
- Where I work? - Yeah, your career plans,
your dreams, your aspirations...
I really wanna hear all about them.
What I want? I don't even know.
Ask me what everyone else wants.
Give me three seconds, I'll figure out your whole entire life.
Would you maybe wanna share something with me about your childhood perhaps?
I mean, what the hell are you talking about?
I'm in a big rush.
Look, I have to talk to Melissa.
Because if I don't figure something out about my life soon,
I'm going to crack!
I respect your strengths, Stacy, and I think you've got a lot of potential.
Stacy.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I should have knocked, I didn't even think.
I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Stacy, what are you doing here?
Oh, I didn't mean to barge in on you guys.
What's the matter, why are you here?
- I don't know. He's in my apartment. - Who?
There's sneakers all over the living room,
and soon there's gonna be cardboard drawers.
But who?
He thinks I'm a huge doll, and the worst part is he's so nice.
- Who's he? - Nick!
Stacy, congratulations, I hear you're married!
- I'm not married! - Oops.
- I'm not married. - Stacy, come in here.
- Hi, Jamie. - Hi.
We're just gonna talk for a second.
I'd leave, but I'm naked.
It's okay. We'll just go in here.
Why is Nick suddenly living with you?
I thought I was in love with him.
Uh-huh.
I think it was the sex.
I was celibate for so long, I started to feel like a can of kitchen cleanser.
You know, sterile and gritty and abrasive.
And when we made love...
I don't know, I felt like a human again.
A mammal, with breasts.
- And also, he's very talented... - Stop.
Not the "talented" thing.
Okay. I know, you're right.
He's the same guy again.
So what are you going to do?
Well, I guess,
maybe we could stay together until Nick gets settled in LA and then...
Stacy, end it.
Go back to LA and just do it.
You're right.
I am, aren't I?
I'm gonna do it. It's a test of my new maturity.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, Jamie's in there. - I know. Can you believe it?
Oh!
Aw, did he have one, too?
- It didn't work. It didn't work. - What? What? What?
The book. The book.
- Don't get mad. - I'm not mad.
Look, a guy like me cannot pretend.
Do you understand? I'm from Jersey.
It's like, I know this guy Joey, right? He's in jail now.
He kills three people with a knife, but he didn't fake it, he did it!
Look... Look, Frankie,
I gotta get out of here, I gotta get back to my roots.
Put my head together. Do some thinking.
Hey, I'm sorry, I tried.
Yo, you've been beautiful. You're special. I relate to you.
Goodbye.
- Think she'll do it? - I hope so.
Hey, Stace! Yo.
Yo, Stace, would you give me a lift to the bus station?
I've had it with this place, really.
I promise, I won't hit on you, I won't even breathe.
- Come on. - Okay, okay, hurry up.
Thanks.
I appreciate this, really.
Oh, man.
Much better.
- So why are you leaving? - I was having too much fun for one person.
I tell you something, I give up on this whole relationship thing.
I mean, I was bombing out so bad at that place,
I would've shaved between my eyebrows if I thought it would help.
Tell me something.
- How do you do it? - Do what?
This whole man/woman relationship thing. I mean...
How do you do it?
Like when you're with your friends, you know,
and you can just talk and do whatever you do.
Someone you're comfortable with, you know?
Only, like... You know, like on a romantic level.
Okay, when I first met Vinny, I thought,
"This guy is a living argument for birth-control."
But as I get to know him better, I realize he's just like the rest of us.
A mess.
So I dropped Vinny off at the bus station and rushed home to face Nick.
I'd rehearsed every word I was going to say out loud.
I'd covered all the angles. There was no way he could talk me out of it.
- Stace? - Nick?
Hey, I went shopping. Boy, these are gonna last forever.
And wait till you see the stuff I got for you to make us breakfast.
Waffles.
Great stuff, huh? And I got this big thing of butter. Look...
Nick. Nick! This isn't working.
Why, you don't like waffles?
It's... It's not that.
It's that we don't... Don't have any syrup.
You know, it's like I was meant to come here.
I mean, everything, it feels, man... It feels so right.
- Really? - Yeah, I feel so inspired.
You know, last night when you were working, I started on this new song.
Oh, guess what it's called?
- Stacy. - Wow.
It's got this really great bass line in it. Just listen to this.
- Nick. Nick, that's great. That's great, but... - Okay, right.
♪ Ba da boo, ba da, ba da Stacy!
Nick!
♪ Oh, Stacy! ♪
Okay.
- Anyway, you know, that's all I got so far. - Nick, really, I like it.
Uh...
Look, this is kind of difficult to say,
but I, uh, kind of have a problem.
What, is it about money?
Oh, honey, don't worry, I can get some dumb job until something else happens.
I am feeling so confident, really.
It's not about the money, it's about us living together.
Well, you wanna get a bigger place?
No. It's not the size of the apartment, Nick.
Well, what is it?
Look, I know that I convinced you to come here,
and I know I kinda helped you quit your job,
but it's about our relationship.
- Nick! It's not gonna work. - Yeah.
Whoa... I thought we had something pretty special here.
It's not your fault, it's me.
I'll end up taking care of you and I'll forget all about myself.
Aw, you don't have to take care of me. Christ!
Nick, I will. You don't know me! I'm that way with men, I...
I just lose myself, I disappear.
You know, but you heard them when I was singing, didn't you? They loved me!
It's gonna be the same way here in LA!
I can't do it this time, Nick, I'm sorry.
Okay, that's okay.
But let me tell you, you're making a big mistake.
- 'Cause I am gonna make it. - Good.
I'm gonna be huge. I'm gonna be bigger than huge!
I'm gonna be on the cover of Rolling Stone maga... No, forget that.
I'm gonna be on the cover of Time maga... No!
Forget that. I...
I am gonna have more fans than Elvis!
Good.
Yeah!
And I won't even be dead.
Think about it.
Well, Nick packed up his Heftys and I haven't heard from him since.
After Nick, I kinda took a break from guys for a while...
Again.
- You got me. - I know.
But I was hoping for something more romantic.
Oh.
- Tell them about the letter. - You think?
Yeah, tell them.
Okay.
"Dear Stacy, I hope you don't mind me writing to you,
"but the only other letter I ever wrote was to the editor of Flex magazine,
"and that was just to say how much I enjoyed this particular article called..."
Hammer Those Glutes Till Your Butt's Like A Bowling Ball.
So it wasn't exactly personal.
So why do I now take pen in hand to write to you?
Okay, it's like this.
Ever since I got home from Oasis, things are different.
Like, all of a sudden, I don't feel like hanging out every night.
I don't feel like hitting on women.
I don't even fee like drinking milk out of the carton.
I feel...
I don't know, serious.
Like I'm in the midst of some heavy changes.
I forced myself to take a closer look at the Vin Man.
You know, open him up, pull him out, dissect him. Like a frog.
And I've decided to go after a more sharply tailored,
finely pleated, subtly striped look.
And I've discovered I have a creative side to my personality.
Hey!
Anyway, since most of my friends saw the Vin Man
as a larger-than-life legendary figure,
many are having difficulties relating to me at this time,
but since you didn't know me for long,
I figured it might be easier for you to understand.
Besides, you're one of the few people I know who could possibly appreciate all this.
"Respectfully, your friend, Vincent Valconie."
What can I say? Life is bizarre.
Are you sure you have to go so early?
We still have another bottle of champagne.
Um, well, I'm kind of tired, and besides, you two should be alone. Here.
Okay. Good night.
Bye-bye. - Thanks.
- Happy New Year! - Okay, thanks! Bye.
Hey. Need a lift?
Ah, Vinny! What are you doing here?
I was just driving around the neighborhood.
That's not it. Look, it's like this.
It's Christmas Day, I'm sitting around my house, right, I'm all alone,
so, uh, I hop in the limo, 24 hours later I wind up in Chicago.
And I'm saying to myself, "Vincent, where the hell are you going?"
That's when it hits me. I'm coming to see you.
You drove all that way just to see me?
Hey, only four days and, what, 18 speeding tickets.
But it's okay, I got my own business now. Here.
- I got four of them. Four stretch limos, yeah. - Wow.
Oh, yeah, fully loaded, the works. Hey, but look.
You know, I realize I didn't call or nothing, so...
If you got some plans...
Ah, well, I was gonna...
I have nothing to do. I'm just going home.
Well, maybe we could do something, I don't know,
maybe go play some miniature golf or something. I mean, you like golf.
- Vinny, it's late. - Yeah, I know.
All right, that's all right, you know.
I mean, hey. You know, I felt like taking a drive anyway.
It's New Year's Eve, you know. You probably had a wild night or something.
I mean, who needs a visit from the Vin Man on New Year's Eve,
you know what I'm saying?
I understand, I mean... Hey, look.
You have a good New Year's, all right? I'm gonna take off.
Vinny.
You want some breakfast?
Um, you know, I could eat something. I'm kinda hungry.
I've been driving a while, you know.
I could make you an omelette.
Oh, yeah? You're a good cook?
I've been doing some cooking myself.
How about I make you an omelette, huh?
That would be nice.
Okay. Wait a minute, hang on, I got... Hang on.
What?
Come here.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my God!
What's his name?
I didn't give him a name. You choose something.
I don't know. He's chewing my hair up!
Look at his little face.
He's so cute.
He's a cute one, huh?
So sweet!
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
♪ Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell...
♪ Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
♪ Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square...
Merry Christmas!
So glad you could make it.
Hi. How are you?
- Oh! What do you say there, big guy? - Put 'em by the tree.
- Hi, Melissa. - Merry Christmas.
Come on, Daddy.
- Hey, come here. - Cowboys, cowboys!
Cowboys, cowboys!
Daddy, come on.
- Melissa. - What?
- There's your boyfriend. - So what? There's yours.
Yeah. There's my boyfriend.
♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪