[Choir] } The holly and the ivy }
} When they are both full grown }
} Of all the trees that are in the wood }
} The holly bears the crown }
} Oh, the rising of the sun }
} And the running of the deer }
} The playing of the merry organ }
} Sweet singing in the choir }}
There's supposed to be a baby Jesus in the manger...
but someone stole it.
- Really? - Lieutenant, where is that baby Jesus?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sounds great, Bob.
Thanks, Chief. Merry Christmas.
Steve, Phil, Merry Christmas.
Oh, wow! That's so cool.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
[Whistle Blowing]
Hi.
- Merry Christmas. - Oh, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
- Merry Christmas to you and your family. - Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Merry Christmas.
- [Bell Tolling] - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[Man] All right, this next exercise...
will help you both with listening.
One of you will speak while the other really just...
listens.
Would someone like to go first?
- Me. I had this crazy dream. - Do we have to do dreams?
I was at this fancy restaurant having lunch...
and the waiter brought me my entree. It was a salad.
It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach...
with his penis sticking out of his ear.
And I said, "I didn't order this."
And the waiter said, "You must try it. It's a delicacy.
But don't eat the penis; it's just garnish."
- Mmm. - Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?
I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.
I mean, dreams should be private, don't you think?
I'm not here to judge or to take sides. I will say...
- communication is healthy. - Healthy?
Telling people she dreams of me being castrated "florentined" is healthy?
Are there any sexual problems in the marriage?
Well...
the truth is, um, we haven't had sex in quite a while.
[Clears Throat] And before that, it wasn't all that, um...
Oh, what's the word?
- Noteworthy. - Mm-hmm.
By our 12th anniversary, we'd gotten into a pretty stale routine.
A couple of kisses, a couple of nipple twists.
It would be over in the time it takes to make cappuccino.
I know because I timed it once. I mean, it's no wonder I had an affair.
How could you tell him that so casually, like you were asking for water?
Actually, may I have a glass of water?
Why don't you have oral sex too. I'll go wait in the car!
Lloyd, how do you feel about Caroline's affair?
- He just wants me to wear a red "A" and sleep in the basement. - Is that so unreasonable?
Everything's either black or white with him.
You know, he doesn't... He doesn't see where he's responsible.
And I mean, it just didn't mean anything to me.
It shouldn't even be counted as an affair.
[Sighs]
I think we need a ruling on this.
} Bells will be ringing }
} The sad, sad news }
} Oh, what a Christmas }
} To have the blues }
} My baby's gone }
} I have no friends }}
[Beep]
[Tapping On Keys]
[Cat Yowls]
[Sniffing]
Jesus. [Sniffs]
Cat piss. [Sniffs]
Ugh. [Spits]
[Dr Wong] Lloyd, have you forgiven Caroline for her affair?
Look, it was a long time ago. It's over. I'm fine about it.
- I just don't want to talk about it. - Then let me ask you something.
What do you want from the marriage now?
I wanna stop talking about it. Look, the truth is I want nothing.
I have everything I need. I'm actually a very content person.
What a liar. You're so unhappy you can hardly breathe.
And I feel it in every gesture, in every silence.
And I'm miserable. How can we both be in the marriage...
- and I'm miserable and you're content? - Luck?
- Caroline, what do you want from the marriage? - Oh, this should be good.
You don't know what you want. You blame everybody else for it.
She's impossible to satisfy. She lives in her fantasies.
I mean, let's really try to understand Caroline's miserable life.
- She lives in a beautiful home. - Which his mother owns.
- I have a successful business. - Which his mother owns.
We're in servitude to his mother for a loan she's charging us 18% interest on.
- We personally own nothing. - We took out a loan.
No, you took out a loan. It was your decision.
- You took out a loan from Satan mom. - She blames my mother...
for everything that's gone wrong in her life. In the meantime, she never finishes anything.
Photography courses, existential philosophy courses, Scandinavian cooking classes...
- At least I go after my dreams. - To be what? Somebody who takes photographs...
of lutefisk to prove the nothingness of being? No wonder our son's so confused.
See? He blames me for Jesse. Is that right?
- I'm not here to judge. - What the hell good are you?
You're the one who suffocated him with limitations.
- Our son's a very sensitive, creative... - Juvenile delinquent.
- Boy. He has the imagination... - That the Mafia gives scholarships for.
In the ninth grade, we told him he could get a part-time job.
He started an escort service for the football team...
and he gave out my mother's phone number.
And I still say gettin' laid by an 18-year-old linebacker...
is just what she needs!
- Please! Let's lower our voices! - [Both] Fuck you!
Yes.
[Ticking]
- [Ticking Accelerating] - Fuckin'...
- [Sirens Blaring] - [Electronic Voice] Burglary! Burglary!
Burglary!
Ohh!
- [Sirens Continue] - Oh, no! Gussie!
Where the hell are ya?
[Gasping]
[Growling]
[Growling Continues]
[Growling]
Wanna play ball?
Play catch, pal? Huh?
Chase the ball?
[Thud]
[Barking Continues]
[Crunching]
[Crunching Continues]
Good doggy. Good thickheaded doggy.
- How about this, huh? Huh? - [Growling]
Go.
- [Snarling] - [Screams]
[Sirens Wailing]
- [Chattering On Police Radio] - [Policeman #1] Get some light over here.
[Policeman #2] Check around back.
You can divorce me, you know. I mean, I don't care about alimony.
You can say...
that I was unfaithful.
You were.
That's why I said you can say it.
No, no. You said it as if it weren't true...
but that I could say it just to get the divorce.
Except that it is true, and we're not getting a divorce.
[Radio] And later on in the news...
- Aren't you coming in with me? - No, I want to listen to the news.
There is a world going on beyond our problems, Caroline.
Just because you've made your decree about this divorce...
- doesn't mean I'm giving up on it. - Caroline...
the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.
[Sirens Wailing In Distance]
- [Door Opens, Closes] - [Bell Rings]
- [Woman] I ordered a case of eggnog so this wouldn't happen.
[Clerk] I'm sorry. I can't help you.
[Woman] You don't understand. I have 25 relatives coming in one hour...
and you have one bottle of eggnog.
- What am I gonna do? - It's Christmas. I'm here alone.
I'd love to be able to help you. I don't know what to tell you.
[Woman] Are you crazy?
[Clerk] I have nothing I can do for you. I'm sorry.
- There's no one in the store to help me. Can't you make some? - Make some? Are you nuts?
- I have got 25 relatives coming. - It only takes cream, nutmeg...
You don't understand. What am I gonna do without it?
- I promised them I'd have eggnog! - You can if you make it.
I can't make it! You make it!
- [Gun Cocks] - Okay.
- Don't move. Don't talk. This is a gun in your back. - [Gasps, Drops Groceries]
What's going on? Who is he?
He's the world beyond our problems, which is now our problem.
- Shut up. Drive. - My God, Carrie, are you all right?
Drive.
[Man #1] Lieutenant Huff, how could this have happened in Old Baybrook?
[Man #2] Why weren't there more police on the street?
- This man has been terrorising the entire county. - Look.
I'd put more men on the street, but they're not qualified for this kind of thing.
Why not? They are police, aren't they?
They have no experience. Nothing ever happens in this town.
The only time we get calls from you people...
is when some kid is playing a practical joke...
or your faggot dogs start humping each other without permission.
Any time there's any real problem, you people call yourjudge friends...
and your attorney general friends and your district attorney friends.
Why don't you call them now and get the hell out of my office?
It doesn't necessarily have to be your office.
I'm calling an emergency meeting of the Old Baybrook emergency community committee.
And I'll be suggesting at that meeting...
that our volunteers patrol the streets to protect our homes.
And if you would like, Lieut. Huff, I will speak to the mayor... a golfing chum of mine...
about finding you a replacement, since you don't like it here in Old Baybrook.
And maybe I'll just tell him that you've hit into a water hazard...
and you're way in over your head.
Get out.
[Radio] Authorities have speculated that the thief may still be in the area.
- Roadblocks are being set up on Interstate... - Fuck! Goddam it!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Goddam it! Shit!
Fuckin'Christmas!
Fuckin' cocksuckers! Jesus!
I can't believe they're going to all this trouble for a thief.
- I mean, it's not like you killed anyone. - Kinda silly, ain't it?
- Yeah. - Although it's still early, right?
- What's that smell? - Shut up!
Take me to your house.
Listen, we'll drop you off wherever you'd like, and we won't say a word.
- We're not heroes. - I can vouch for that. Lloyd is no hero.
Enough, okay? I said take me to your fuckin' house.
I gotta think. Aw, fuck.
[Chuckles]
- Fuck. - Christ.
- What? - Nothing.
- No. What was that laugh for? No, I don't. - Oh, like you don't know.
Oh, yeah, sure, right. "Lloyd's no hero." Thanks a lot!
- Please. I was trying to... - Go to hell!
Shut up.
- Never've happened if you'd come into the store! - I have a gun.
- He chose me because I was alone. - Shut up!
- Jesus Fuckin' Christ! - Okay, okay.
But I'm right, aren't I? You would never have taken a couple, would you?
- All right. No. - No. Thank you. Thank you.
- Christ. - See?
- Happy now? Great. - Yeah, I am, actually.
- Less than ten minutes ago, you sat in the car... - Hey, hey! Stop sign.
- And told me you want to stop arguing. - Stop sign! Whoa!
- [Horn Blaring] - Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hey, morons!
- You ran the stop sign. - I did not. There was no stop sign.
- Yes, there was, and yes, you did. - You didn't even see it.
- He saw it. He said, "Stop sign."I heard it. - Great.
I hijacked my fuckin' parents.
- Somebody who makes sense, I listen to! Yes, there was. - There was no stop sign.
[Men Talking, Shouting]
- Uh, Lieutenant, I found this mask with a weird smell. - We both found it.
[Sniffing] Urine.
Oh, thank God. Phil thought it might be semen.
Phil needs to talk to a therapist.
Hey, Lieutenant.
- [Phil] We found it. Why'd you say that? - [Steve] I found it.
It's the county prosecutor.
Lieut. Huff here.
- Will Warren here. What's the suspect's M. O? - Shh.
Suspect left behind a face mask.
There are traces of blond hair and the faint odour of after-shave mixed...
I spoke to Mr Willard. It seems there might be a videotape of the robbery.
- A videotape? Where'd he say it is? - I called State Police.
- State Police? Is that necessary? - It would be best...
- My men are searching the place now... - No.
- What? - We'll let professionals handle this.
Excuse me, but this is my jurisdiction, and we are perfectly capable...
I do not want you or your men going in there! Do you hear me?
Yeah, yeah. I heard you!
So... can we go home now?
Get everybody out of there.
Leave a couple of guys here for the State Police.
- They got professionals coming. - [Clock Chiming]
- [Car Doors Opening] - [Engines Starting]
[Chiming Continues]
}} [Muffled Hard Rock]
} If that's wanting }
- } If that's love } - [Knocking At Door]
- } If that's love } - [Knocking]
- } If that's love }} - [Knocking]
I'm coming.
- Chasser. - That's Chasseur. It's 18th-century French Huguenot.
I'm glad I caught you before you left for the holidays.
- May I come in? - No.
- I can't give it to you out in the hall. - Listen, Siskel...
I just developed some new pictures. Stunning.
Might even make a book. Something like Mapplethorpe, only a little bit more personal.
- Demon seed. - Ooh.
My best to the wife and kids. Merry Christmas.
Move it. Move it, I said.
- We have gifts in the car in back. - Shut up!
They might get stolen.
- Well, didn't you lock the car? - That's ridiculous.
Shut up! Christ.
- [Security System Beeping] - [Jesse] Hi, guys. It's me.
- [Gasps] - Hey! Hey! Hey!
- The alarm. - You don't have to pick me up at the station.
I'm getting a ride home with a friend. I'll be late for dinner...
so start without me. Just kidding, Mom. See you later. Bye.
- [Machine Beeps] - Who's that?
- J-Jesse, our son. - We were supposed to p...
- Station. - At 8:00.
Nice. You rich?
- No. Oh, God, no. No, no. - Not really, no.
Digs like this ain't cheap.
I run an antique store in town. These are all from the shop.
- It's his mother's store. - So?
Well, you made it sound like it was yours. "I run an antique store."
I said I run it. I didn't say I own it. I am the manager.
- Do you think he cares if you work for your mother? - Hey! Hey! Hey!
Let's get one thing straight.
From now on, the only person who yells is me.
Why? Because I have a gun, okay?
People with guns can do whatever they want.
Married people without guns... for instance, you...
- [Both] Mm-hmm. - Do not get to yell!
Why? No guns!
No guns, no yelling! See?
Simple little equation.
Jesus Christ, who are you fuckin'people?
Caroline and Lloyd Chasseur. What's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name.
Got any rope... Lloyd?
For what?
- What am I, applying for a job? - No.
Then stop asking me fuckin' questions, okay? Got any rope, Lloyd?
No, we don't have any rope.
We have bungee cords. They might work.
- Where? Move. - Right through there in the kitchen.
I don't believe you.
Expecting company?
Yes. Lloyd's mother and his brother's family are coming for dinner.
They should be here by 9:00.
Great.
Jesus.
Excuse my reach.
- Pass the ketchup. - Pass the ketchup, please.
I'm not hungry now. I thought we were eating at Uncle Lloyd's.
God knows what disaster your Aunt Caroline is making.
This may be our last chance for normal food.
She does it to irritate me. I'm the one that she's after.
- But I'm not hungry now. - Eat! Don't annoy me. It's Christmas.
- I'm sure she's going to a lot of trouble. - Gary.
The last time you ate her cooking, you had diarrhoea for a week.
You had diarrhoea for a week, Dad?
That is not appropriate dinner conversation. Eat!
If we hate Aunt Caroline's cooking so much...
why do we go there every year for Christmas?
Because my poor Lloyd needs his family.
Otherwise, he'd be all alone with that adulteress and her delinquent son.
I hope they get into a fight like always. Their fights are bitchin'.
Shut up! Don't make me nuts today! It's Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Ahh. Mmm.
So... what's the worst dive bar near here?
- 17th Hole. - The Mackerel Lounge.
[Both] How do you know that?
I passed by once on the access road.
Did you ever pass by the 17th Hole? It's like a urinal with windows.
And the Mackerel Lounge couldn't be a dive bar...
because they can have entertainment.
- } It's Christmas You're drunk and in jail } - [Phone Ringing]
Mackerel Lounge. Herbie speaking.
- I'm looking for a friend. - [Lloyd] The Mackerel Lounge couldn't be the worst dive bar.
- Can you hang on just one second please? - Oh, you happen to know!
Aah!
Thanks. I'm looking for a friend of mine.
He's kind of a, uh, short... drunken loser.
You just described everybody in the place.
See if there's a guy named Murray there, okay?
Is there a Murray here?
} There'll be some whisky and a six-pack }
- } Not a tree }} - I don't think he's here, pal.
See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray. Try that one, okay?
Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?
Gus. Uh...
Hello?
Murray. How are ya, pal?
- Fine. How are you? - Oh, fabulous, fabulous. Of course, I'm a little tired...
from running for ten hundred fuckin'miles because there was no fuckin'car waiting for me!
What did I tell you if something went wrong?
I told you to act like a drunk vagrant imbecile.
- Is that too much of a fuckin' stretch? - I got nervous.
The cops were all over the place.
The cops, they've set up a roadblock. They're checking cars.
- And by 10:00 tonight, there's a curfew. - Fuck it.
- I just heard it at the bar. - Fuckin'...
Excuse me. Is anything wrong?
Lloyd, don't talk to me.
Don't talk to me. Shut up.
- Don't say anything to me. Okay? Understand? - [Murray] Gussie?
- Shh. - Because maybe we can help, you know.
My God! I swear to God!
Gussie, where the hell are ya? I'm scared. I don't think I can handle this.
- I'm... - Ya been drinkin'?
No. No. What are ya, nuts?
- Listen... - Calm down, okay? Just calm down.
You gotta help me.
I'll tell you what. Go to a place called Winslow Harbors, okay?
- And steal us a boat. - Boat? Wha...
I'm a car man, Gussie. What the hell do I know about boats?
Figure it out! I don't care if it's a barrel as long as it fucking floats.
7:30 now. Curfew starts at 10:00. That gives you more than enough time.
Ya got a pen? Write this number down.
Okay? 555-3537.
- Okay? Repeat it. - 3537.
Listen, kid. Maybe you better tell me where the swag is, in case I have to bribe somebody.
- No, Murray. No. - But...
You can hot-wire station wagons, you can hot-wire a fucking boat.
And just remember, if you can't, what men your age become in prison: Wet nurses.
Okay, Murray? Bye-bye.
Oh. Thanks.
Ah. Everything's gonna be fine.
Everything's gonna be A-okay.
We're gonna be in a boat in a couple of hours. We'll be out of here.
Right back on track. Right? Right.
[Gulping Loudly]
Ah! Ahh!
Now... got any cigarettes?
I don't smoke, and Caroline just quit.
Ah.
Just quit, huh?
So... where are they, Caroline?
What do you mean?
Where... are they... Caroline?
Behind the chessboard.
Chessboard, chessboard.
What? You told me you quit.
- Yes! - I told you I wouldn't smoke in the house.
- I never said I quit. - You said you quit. You hadn't had a cigarette in three months.
I haven't finished a cigarette in three months. I take a few drags.
- I don't inhale. - You are such a liar, I don't believe it.
- I am not a liar! - You sat right in the dining room and lied to me!
- It was in the bathroom. - I wonder how many other things you've been lying about.
- Aah! Unh! - Aah!
[Panting] Ugh.
Did you say that you would quit, Caroline?
Did you say that you would quit?
Yes! So you are a liar. End of story.
[Chuckling]
[Pistol Cocks]
You saw the stop sign, didn't you, Lloyd? Huh?
You... saw... the... stop... sign... didn't you, Lloyd?
- Yes, I did. - Yes! So you, too, are a liar.
Capital "L", small "l", small "A", small "R", period.
Now shut the fuck up.
- [Sniffs] Did you have an accident? - [Sniffing]
[Grunts]
Ooh! Did you know you're bleeding?
- Oh, yeah. - [Lloyd] Were you shot?
- A goddam dog bit me. - What dog?
- Willard's dog. - Cannibal bit you?
- His name is Cannibal? - Yeah.
Um, there are Band-Aids in the bathroom...
in the master bedroom upstairs.
What's through here?
That's the mud room.
Use the ouchless. They're in the green container.
[Sighs]
I don't believe it. You want to have sex with him.
- What? - "Use the ouchless." "We have bungee cords."
Ugh. I'm frightened.
Humans get frightened because they have feelings.
Didn't your alien leaders teach you that before they sent you here?
I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair.
I feel sorry for the next deliveryman that comes to this house!
[Doorbell Rings]
Shh.
[Ring]
Okay, our car's in the driveway.
The lights are on. They know we're in here.
- }} [Humming] - [Doorbell Rings]
Who the fuck is that? Make it quick.
Okay.
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas.
Did I catch you at a bad time?
No, no, no. I was, um, in the attic.
I bet you thought Margaret forgot you on her fruit cake list.
I thought... maybe. [Laughing]
Well, she would never do that.
- [Santa Laughing] - Oh? Great.
- Thank you, George. - Merry Christmas.
- Thanks to Margaret. Yup. Bye. - Right. Yeah. Hey!
Did you hear about the reward?
Willard called the radio station from Bimini when he found out about the robberies...
and he said he'll give $ 100,000 to anyone who captures this guy.
- Oop. Okay, bye. - Well. [Laughing]
I got a lot of children to see before that curfew.
- Thank you. - Pay my best to Lloyd.
- Yup. - And to that son of yours. Uh...
- Jesse. Okay, bye-bye. - I'm still waiting for our chess rematch.
And if he happens to know where the town's baby Jesus is...
we're still missing it from the lawn nativity scene from last year.
- My God. - Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
Bye.
That guy blames Jesse for everything that happens.
And he hasn't played chess with him for years.
Ah. What's in this?
- I don't know, alum? Don't eat it. - [Spitting]
- Welcome to the suburbs. - Yeah.
- Where are those Band-Aids? - Upstairs.
Show me.
Wow.
- That's nice. - Yeah.
It's my mother-in-law's.
Every time I pass it, I feel her eyes on me.
You want it?
Do I want it?
This is Chagall, right?
- This is a real Chagall. - Yeah.
It really pisses me off.
- Sorry? - You got something like this hanging on your wall...
and you don't even fuckin' appreciate it.
Probably 'cause you never worked a day in your life.
That's not true.
We had our own business once. We owned a restaurant.
An Italian restaurant.
'Course, I would have preferred French, but anyway...
- it failed eventually... - What are we, girlfriends here?
Do I give a shit about this?
No. Let's move.
[Radio] Cloudy skies, drizzle...
You wanna go for coffee?
Look, kid, I gotta get home to my family.
This is my last job.
Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.
Look. Can you just drive me around the block a little?
I'll give you another fifty.
Well, it's your money, pal.
- [Children Yelling] - [George] Who's been naughty and who's been nice?
Here we are! Hey, hey! I got one forJohnny here!
And here's one for Bill. And for Karen.
- And here's a beautiful looking... - It's so cold out tonight.
- Do you think Santa would like something to eat? - [George] Santa's hungry!
- [Boy] Let's give him some cookies! - Cookies.
- Santa, have a cookie! - Over here!
- Merry Christmas, Santa. [Laughing] - Uh-huh.
- [Boy] The cookies are good! - All right, everybody, tuck in! Let's eat, huh?
- Here, Santa! - Enough with the cookies, kids!
You two were gone an awfully long time.
I got us moved to a more comfortable place.
What did you have to do for it, dress his wounds?
Oh, that's right, Lloyd. We're having an affair.
He wants to run away to Acapulco. He tied me up in case I had second thoughts.
No one goes to Acapulco any more.
Our son's walking in here any minute. Why don't you worry about that?
Look, if we just co-operate, I'm sure he won't hurt him.
What are you doing?
I think we can get out of these. Oh, move your body!
Stop that! What if he walks in here?
We'll just say we're being... affectionate.
Tied up, with an armed man in the house?
Works for me.
Just reach down and touch that clippery thing.
Listen to me. I cannot move my arm.
- Oh! Oh, oh! Stop it! - What's that?
It's nothing.
It doesn't feel like nothing.
- Just the friction. - [Chuckling]
Stop it.
[Groaning]
[Chuckling]
Lloyd, you animal.
Haven't you left yet?
- Did ya hear the fuckin' phone ring? - Look, what about our son?
Well, guess it's gonna be a real Chasser family picnic, huh?
That's Chasseur. It's 18th-century French Huguenot.
- Got any extra cord? - No, we don't have any extra cord.
Okay. Guess we're gonna have to economise, huh?
- [Horns Honking] - Move up!
Bring 'em on up.
Keep it moving. Keep moving.
You, sir. Whoa. Whoa.
- May I see some identification, please? - Certainly, sir.
- How can they do this on Christmas Eve? - There is a criminal at large.
They can't stop for the holidays.
Maybe they'll let him go in the spirit of Christmas.
That is not the spirit of Christmas.
The spirit of Christmas is either you're good, or you're punished and you burn in hell.
- Who would catch a criminal and then let him go free? - Republicans?
[Policeman] Have a Merry Christmas.
[Caroline Sighing]
Why don't you just give yourself up?
- What'd you say? - Well, you're not going to kill an entire family.
It's over. I mean, you're not the type. You're a thief, not a killer.
That's obvious.
I hate guys like you, you know?
With your Jeep Grand Cherokees...
and your Nicaraguan maids and your Ping Zing golf clubs...
every goddam thing in the world handed to you.
What fuckin' purpose do you people serve?
You're a criminal. What purpose could you serve?
Fuck you, Lloyd. I work for a living, okay?
I have a skill. I'm in the game, pal.
What do you do except take up fuckin' space?
If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?
I can break into any house...
take whatever I want; in and out, ten minutes.
No prints, no evidence, nothing.
If what's-his-name hadn't installed that fuckin' Roadrunner booby trap...
- I'd be in Jamaica by now. - Mmm, I'm impressed.
No, you people don't get impressed, do ya?
Life just bores the shit out of you people. I'm sorry.
We don't all have rich mummies and daddies we can live off of...
or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis.
You told him about the restaurant?
Yeah. I heard you couldn't cut it working for a living, Mr Brooks Brothers, so...
Shut up!
You and my wife have a lot in common.
You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want...
and if it doesn't, you get to act any way you want.
The problem is someone has to be responsible.
I'd love to run around taking classes and playing with my inner-selfness.
I'd love the freedom to be a pissed-off criminal without any responsibility...
except I don't have the time!
But you don't see me with a gun.
You don't see me sleeping with someone else.
You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house?
You think every time I look in the mirror I shout, "Gee, I'm glad I'm me...
"and not some 19-year-old billionaire rock star with the body of an athlete...
and a 24-hour erection"? No, I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!
- [Door Closes] - Oh, God!
Shh.
Nice and quiet.
[Footsteps]
Are you guys decent? [Knocking]
Hello?
- Hey. - Jesse!
- Jesse. - Who are you? Hey! Watch it!
- You guys okay? - Hands behind your back.
- Wait a second. You're the guy who... - Shut up!
This isn't your M.O. You only knock over estates.
- But hostages? That's a no-win situation. - You too, huh?
You know what this family needs? A mute.
Let me say it one more time. I have a gun. It's loaded. Shut up. Okay?
Yes, but we have people coming for dinner.
- They're driving from Boston. You gonna tie us all up? - Five extra people.
- Dinner's cancelled. - We can't cancel dinner. I mean, they're on the road.
- [Lloyd] They'll be here by 9:00. - Should I shoot one of you in the foot?
Listen. If the police have a curfew, they might do house-to-house searches.
- You can't stay here. - That would be very bad for you.
- Really. - I can't leave until my partner calls.
- How do you know he'll call? - He'll call. He better fuckin' call.
- [Sniffing] - I swear to God, if he doesn't call...
What smells like piss?
Up against the bed.
Maybe I could sell tickets. No, no.
Let's see. No, no. The... The point is, in order to get this robe...
You know, I've never seen this movie all the way through.
- Don't you live in this country? - They show it during the holidays.
With the kids and the family, I've never seen the whole thing.
- The colour of your jacket. - It's charcoal.
- I didn't know what you were talking about. - Merry Christmas, Lieutenant.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Where the hell are you two going? Stay here.
- Did you have to say "Merry Christmas"? - That's the way I was brought up.
- Push rewind. - Uh... is this it?
No, that's fast-forward. This is it.
Give me that.
What you're about to see has to be kept within the confines of this room.
Do you understand?
- Wait a minute! That's... - Shh!
- It's Old Man Willard's place! - Shh!
- [Sirens Blaring] - [Electronic Voice] Burglary! Burglary!
- Burglary! Burglary! - [Phone Ringing]
- Now listen up. We're gonna find this guy. - Precinct.
Watch it a few more times. Then I'll organise specific teams...
each with a specific geographic location.
Lieutenant. Some county prosecutor guy?
I'll take it in my office.
- Nobody leaves. - Yeah, he'll be right with you.
Okay, I'll put you on hold. Thank you.
- Wow! - Yeah.
Should we watch it again?
I think we should just wait till Huff gets back.
Well, while we're waiting...
I think this is it.
No! It's this one.
Now, you listen to me!
I don't want any plastics and I don't want any ground floors...
and I don't want to get married ever to anyone! Do you understand?
Hey! Who are you?
- I'm Murray. - What do you want?
Is this your boat?
[Caroline] That was quite an outburst. I should tie you up more often.
[Sighs]
Listen. About the restaurant, I didn't say...
How did you get home again?
- I got a ride with a friend. - Which friend?
Which friend? Do I know him?
All right, I took a limo, okay?
Where'd you get the money for a limo?
- Okay, I stole one. Is that better? - Listen, smart-mouth...
- if you would answer a simple question... - Don't talk to him like that!
- You've never disciplined him! - If you had not sent him to that prison...
[Humming]
- I went there. - For a summer. I go for my entire high school life.
You were sent there because high schools wouldn't enroll you any more.
Aye aye aye aye aye aye! [Making Noises]
- It's nobody's fault. Feel better... - That's it!
What the hell is wrong with you people? You're supposed to be a family.
How can you talk to each other like that?
Why don't you go on Oprah and get it over with? Christ!
- What's the quickest way to the docks? - Bainbridge.
You take Main Street and you turn left on Domino Square.
You can't. Domino Square is a one-way street.
Bainbridge is the only two-way street to the docks.
You know, you're never gettin' out of here.
- Why don't you take the highway? It's quicker! - Not the way you drive!
We don't have much time.
Pay attention to any distinguishing features.
Now, you listen to me!
I don't want any plastics and I don't want any ground floors.
You understand that? [Tape Rewinding]
This... This...
I don't... l...
- I don't want any plastics... - Lieut. Huff!
I believe you have some evidence in your possession...
belongs to the county prosecutor's office.
[TV]... do what I want to do. And you're... And you're...
- Mary! - George! George!
- [TV] I'm worth more dead than alive. - Unbelievable.
No sense of time.
Never again. Never again!
Excuse me. Those dolls are my mother's. She's been collecting them for years.
- Could you be more careful with them? - I'm sorry.
- If he doesn't call, you're dead in the water. - Jesse, be quiet.
- Listen to your father, kid. - I'm only stating the obvious.
What is it, 20 minutes till curfew?
And I heard on the radio they found a ski mask on the scene.
Anyone get a good look at you?
[Newscaster] To residents of Old Baybrook...
Jeremiah Willard is known as the amusement park king...
an eccentric known for his love of animals and generous contributions.
We now go to the Willard mansion and to our on-the-scene reporter Mike Michaels. Mike?
Thanks. Old Baybrook residents will be competing for top dollars...
before tonight's curfew goes into effect.
Representatives ofJeremiah Willard have confirmed...
the reward is now $ 200,000.
This may turn out to be a very merry Christmas for some lucky family.
Back to you, Karen.
I'm in hell.
- Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell. - [Alarm Beeping]
What the fuck is that?
Ow!
Jesus!
[Beeping Continues]
- Oh! - [Lloyd] What happened?
- Stay where you are! Untie my parents now! - [Lloyd] Jesse!
Kid, what're you doin'?
- I mean it! Untie my parents. - Jesse!
- Jesse, phone the police. - Put the gun down. - Shut up.
Get back on your knees or I'll shoot!
- You will? - I will! I'll... I'll shoot you!
'Cause I'm gonna keep walkin'. Can you get to that phone before I get to you?
- Jesse, put the gun down. - [Telephone Ringing]
No! No! Unh!
- [Gunshot] - [Caroline Screams]
[Ringing Continues]
- }} [Horns] - [Ringing Continues]
- Hello? - Caroline?
- It's Connie. Listen, we got a little held up. - Oh, hi.
We'll be there in 20 minutes.
I hope that dinner isn't ruined.
- Oh, well... bye. - Okay, bye.
All right, get in the car!
Great. Looks like there's gonna be one more for dinner, huh?
} I'll have a blue Christmas... }
[Phone Rings]
- Siskel. - [Woman] Honey, when are you coming home?
Your parents are here. The children are asking for you.
I'm sorry, Stella. I had some last-minute work to do.
Uh, I'll get there as soon as I can, okay? Tell the kids I love 'em.
- Okay, please hurry. - Okay, bye.
} Decorations of red }
} On a green Christmas tree }}
Look, you're making a mistake. I could help you out, you know.
- I got $ 11,000 cash... - Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's been a long, bad day.
I'd rather be in Iraq than in this fuckin' house.
So do me a favour, do yourself a favour, cut the shit.
- Okay? - I'm not. It's the truth.
- I got a blackmail deal going in school... - Blackmail?
What are we, a buck ten? You're doing blackmail on people?
Yeah. I needed some big money fast. I was desperate. I wanted to get out of here.
- Desperate about what? - Let's see.
I got two years, four months left in military school.
My parents hate each other. My father records every mistake in my life...
like he's preparing for my parole hearing. I don't get to do anything by myself.
And I live in the suburbs. You figure it out.
So where you gonna go? Huh?
I don't know. Where do you go?
Where do I go?
Well... [Clears Throat]
I usually end up in Jamaica with this friend of mine, Jimmy Marlo.
He steals appliances off of trucks.
We get the money back from the fence...
which is about half what the stuff's really worth...
spend all the money, come home, start all over again.
'Course, this time was supposed to be the big final score.
You know, the big retirement score.
Why you quitting now? You got a great life.
Let me explain something to ya, kid.
What I do, runnin' around stealin' shit...
that may sound great when you're 15 years old...
but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35...
no family, no house.
I got a partner who's 56. He's an alcoholic.
He still can't figure out why they took Happy Days off the air.
Then on TV every day, I see kids like you on these talk shows.
You got everything, opportunities up the ass.
You got a family to come home to, and what do you do?
You bitch and moan because things don't go your way.
Well, you know what? Welcome to the real world, where most of the time...
things don't go your fuckin' way.
Easy for you to say. Everything goes your way.
Great. You know what?
I think I had you pegged wrong.
I don't think you have a brain in your fuckin' head.
Merry Christmas.
Now, we don't have much time. Rules of the house.
No telephone except for the kitchen. No television.
Nobody on the second floor, in case your son makes noise.
I want you in front of me at all times.
No arguing. When you fight, you forget everything else.
Just behave and pay attention, or I take your son with me.
Now, tell me about this doctor guy.
I received a call from Will Warren, the county prosecutor.
Happens to be a close friend of mine.
In spite of your bungling, he's confident they'll find our thief...
in those house-to-house searches during curfew.
Another thing. He said, uh, your men are to assist and report to me...
as per his instructions.
You can call if you'd like. Um, let's see, one other thing...
Oh, yes, your Christmas wish came true.
[Laughing] You're to be out of here the day after Christmas.
Isn't that a lovely Noel? It's been swell.
- Bob. - Yes.
- I nailed your wife. - What?
After the town meeting last August.
You were in Rhode Island on business.
Three times, Bob.
She said you never went three times, Bob.
[Knocking]
- Merry Christmas, Lloyd! - Phil, Steve, Merry Christmas.
- Are you guys working tonight? - Mm-hmm.
They're starting that curfew tonight, and this is our area.
Thought we might say hi to Gary.
- Is he here yet? - Gary.
- Who's Gary? - He's my brother-in-law.
- They all grew up together. - Great.
Is that Caroline? I'd love to say hello!
I'd love to see Caroline.
- You know, your wife? - Of course it is. What am I doing?
She's upstairs. She's chang... You want a cup of coffee?
- Come on in. In the kitchen. - Oh, yeah.
- Maybe a piece of pumpkin pie or something? - Oh, uh...
- [Lloyd] Were you guys here last year? - Yeah, there was a rum cake.
- You guys make great coffee. - Yeah, it was fantastic.
You guys help yourselves. I'll go get Caroline, so...
- Unh! - What is wrong with you?
- It would have caused suspicion to say no. - You never admit you're wrong.
- Finally somebody says it besides me. - There was no alternative.
I could have been in the shower.
- She could have been wrapping presents. - What is this, a lying seminar?
- You made a noise. I was distracted. - He was distracted.
[Grunting]
[Steve] No, I'm not buying wine for your brother.
He can suck on a grape, Marge. Forget it.
[Marge] What about the breakfast?
Okay, I'll get the milk and the doughnuts.
There you go.
Mm-hmm. Ye... Marge, hold on. They got another call comin' in.
Yes, I'll talk to you later. Hello.
Uh, Gussie?
No, this is Lieut. Milford. To whom am I speaking?
- Uh... - Ooh, he hung up.
- [Phil] Who was it? - I don't know. Hung up.
- Probably a wrong number. - Crank call.
- Yeah, kids. - That's it.
- So... ooh, it's late. - When do you think Gar might be gettin' here?
Well, maybe what you should do is go and, um...
when Gary comes, I'll get him to call you at the office.
- Because Christmas Eve, you're so busy, and l... - [Phone Rings]
Oh, I'll get it. That's it. Thank you. Hello?
Hello. Uh, are you feeling better?
Who gives a rat's ass how I feel? Where's Gussie?
I'll get him. Back in a minute.
I can't believe I'm working tonight.
I know. Some guy robbin' people on Christmas Eve?
It's not right. It's not right.
We'll get him though. We got every cop and his brother lookin'for him.
- Christmas Eve, it's... - Murray.
- He hung up. - Well, he sounded upset.
He should be. He's gonna die a horrible fuckin' death.
[Connie] Caroline!
Oh! Speaking of which...
[Sighs] So, Gary and Connie and the kids.
- [Gary, Connie] Merry Christmas. - Gar!
- Steve! Phil! - Oh, Merry Christmas, Gar!
Mom? Merry Christmas.
Mom, the TV's broke. What are we gonna do all night?
- I can't believe this. - Celebrate the birth of Christ!
- Now, put the presents under the tree. - Connie, honey...
- look who dropped by. - [Both] Merry Christmas, Connie.
- [Chuckling] - I'll take that bag upstairs.
[Mother] I'll take it. I want to change my shoes.
- Mom, hi. - Lloyd, who is this?
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. Who is this?
[Lloyd] This is the doctor we were telling you about.
Doctor... Wong.
Ah, the marriage doctor.
- Right. - Yeah.
Wong? You're a Wong?
- Well, my mother was Irish. - And your father?
- Wasn't. - Why don't we go downstairs?
- I want to change my shoes. - [Lloyd] Your shoes are lovely.
- My feet hurt. - Take 'em off. Go barefoot.
- A Bohemian Christmas! I'm up for that! - What the hell...
is wrong with you? Why do you get strange at family gatherings?
It's not me, Mom. It's Caroline.
She's a little nervous about the dinner.
Maybe you could go tell her what you think. You know, give her a hand.
You know what a bad cook she is.
Oh. All right.
- Aren't you going to take my bag up? - Later.
- Well, I'll take it. - No, no. I'll go, I'll go.
I just wanted to be close to you.
He, uh... He loves you so very much.
[Phone Ringing]
Caroline, could you come up here for a minute?
I thought you needed help.
Yes, well, everything's in the dining room...
Why don't you light the candles? That'd be good.
- Bitch. - Bitch.
[Ringing]
- Hello? - Where's Gus?
- Murray? - How do I know this is Gussie?
Because the next time I see you I'm gonna tear all the hair out of your balls one by one...
you fucking mule. How's that?
- [Murray Laughing] Kid, I got good news. - Yeah?
- A friend of mine's got a boat. - A friend?
Nobody likes you. What are you talking about, "friend"?
It's somebody I just met, and we kind of hit it off. I think she really likes me.
She? She? Murray, I've been in this house all night...
wondering if I'm gonna get busted or not and you've been fuckin' dating?
- Is that it, Murray? - Calm down. It's the best I could do.
- Listen, she's a nice woman. And she's just... - [Gus Laughing]
- Skipped parole from New Jersey. - An ex-con?
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's great. That's just great.
- How do you know she's not gonna turn us in? - She wouldn't.
She can't afford to. If she did, she'd be back in the slammer before she knew it.
Honest. She's legit.
But there's just one little problem.
- What? Children? - No.
The boat needs... a little work.
[Laughing]
[Snorts, Sighs]
[Laughing]
[Sighing, Sniffs]
[Chuckling]
[Inhales, Sighs]
Hello?
Hello.
- How long? - Hour, hour and a half.
- Hour. - Okay.
- You have an hour. Okay. - Hour.
- Bye-bye. - All right, bye-bye.
- Last check. Three or four minutes away. - Proceed to the next house.
Isn't this exciting? I'm sure glad I got a chance to see Santa while he was here.
[Chuckling] And Santa would like to toast you all...
for answering the call of duty...
on the holiest of nights. Everyone, grab a glass.
You too. Grab a glass. Come on, come on. Grab a glass.
- Everyone, come on. - Santa doesn't drink champagne.
Santa drinks milk.
Look, Santa can't drink any more milk tonight.
Santa has a lactose intolerance.
It gives him horrible gas pains.
You want to see Santa farting down everyone's chimney?
[Santa Laughing] Merry Christmas!
[Others] Merry Christmas.
Ah!
[Caroline] What we're having...
is a traditional Scandinavian Christmas feast.
We have roast suckling pig...
fresh baked kringlors with a honey pecan dipping sauce...
seven-day-old lutefisk and lamb gookins.
What you're wearing on your heads are called Lucia wreaths.
They're worn in honour of Saint Lucia...
a brave and noble woman I admire very much.
A woman whose beliefs were so strong...
they rendered her inflammable.
As the story goes...
Lucia was engaged to be married...
and instead of giving her dowry to her in-laws...
she gave it to the poor people of the village.
Her husband-to-be, thinking she was out of her mind...
betrayed her to the Romans as a Christian...
and they condemned her to burn at the stake.
But although she was surrounded by flame...
she would not burn.
And they had to stab her with a sword.
My God. Is this a Christmas story?
Who cares. My forehead is blistering.
- I think it's cool, Aunt Caroline. - Thank you.
Okay, dig in, everybody. Don't be shy.
- Everything looks great, honey. - Thank you, sweetheart.
[Clears Throat To Disguise Spitting]
From what school are you trained, Dr Wong? Freud?
- Uh, nah. I don't go in for that dream stuff. - Really?
You don't think patients should examine their dreams?
Well, I just don't think they should bother other people with them.
I mean, what kind of a loser actually thinks anybody else is interested?
You must have met a great many strange and disturbed people.
My line of work, you meet some real wackos.
You call your patients "wackos"?
Yeah, they... They like it.
Well, it seems that this therapy is working.
I've never seen these two so agreeable together.
- What the hell am I eating? - Oh, that's a parsnip kringlor.
- They date back to the fourth century. - That's what it looks like.
- [Mother] Where's your son? - He's spending the night with a friend.
- On Christmas Eve? - I think it's very strange.
- Well... - Well, he...
Uh, actually, that was, uh, my idea.
Because, uh, when one is constructing...
highways of communication...
between two people, it's sometimes a good idea to, uh...
clear the road and slowly introduce exit signs.
That's funny.
I heard something very similar on Oprah last week.
I assume that as you've built...
highways of communication...
you have discussed Caroline's adultery.
What?
You told your mother?
[Mother] And why not? He was very upset...
and he needed someone he could trust to talk to.
Tell me something, in your professional opinion...
- should these two be married? - Mother.
[Gus] Caroline.
Is that part of the treatment too? She can't leave?
Yes, Dr Wong, why don't you tell us all about your treatment.
In detail. It'll be so... fascinating.
[Chuckles]
Well, it's a, uh...
complex web... [Clears Throat]
Of complications...
which, uh, need to be weaved...
and, uh, woven into a, uh, quilt...
of some kind. [Sighs]
It's really expensive treatment. I can tell you that much. Costs a hell of a lot of money.
Mmm, these lamb coosins are great, sweetheart.
They're gookins, not coosins, honey.
[Mother] Where I was born, Dr Wong...
life and marriage was less complicated.
My marriage was arranged, in fact.
My husband lived in the next town...
and our parents wanted to join farms.
Really. What kind of farms?
Pigs.
Caroline, could I have the wine?
It's all finished. We have to get another bottle.
[Mother] Where are you all going?
I gotta stay with them to, uh, weave the, uh...
Uh... Ow!
Just shut up and eat your goddam dinners.
You won't talk about it in therapy, but you'll discuss it behind my back...
- with that bitch! - Hey, she's my mother.
- She's a fuckin' bitch, Lloyd. - You are not supposed to take sides.
No, no, no. Thank you so much, Gus. Finally somebody else sees.
- You'd have to be blind not to see. - All right, all right.
- Let's just get in there and change the subject. - Oh, fine.
Why didn't we just change the subject before I was humiliated?
That's it, Lloyd. We are getting a divorce.
I've, you know... This is finished.
Now get the hell home, George, before we call your wife.
Honestly, George. What an example.
Santa was mean to me.
- I'm serious, George. - Yeah?
Maybe Santa won't come back next year.
Maybe him and the Easter Bunny...
will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica...
and you can eat your own lousy cookies.
[Unzips Fly]
[Urinating, Sighing]
Oh, who the hell knows, huh? Ow!
I was pregnant with Jesse then.
We lived in the most... wonderful...
one-bedroom apartment.
You see, Lloyd...
never took any money from his family then.
I found that so attractive.
And then what happened?
Don't encourage her, Mary. No one wants to listen to her misery.
Lloyd was working as an assistant banquet manager at the Sheraton.
[Chuckles]
- We'd make love in the mornings because he was, you know... - Caroline...
why don't you eat something.
Lloyd, why don't you eat me.
- [Gasps] - Kids, go into the den.
- It all turned to shit... - [Connie] This is not a conversation for children.
- It's not a conversation for adults either. - when Lloyd's father died.
- Where you going? - The living room, to leave you to your quilting.
- [Caroline] She bribed Lloyd to move back... - I'll be there to open presents.
If my plans change, I'll contact you.
- I hate Connecticut. I grew up in Connecticut. - Why don't we all...
go into the living room. Then we can have our coffee and dessert in there.
- You phony bastard! - Caroline, shut up!
- Let's all go to the bathroom... - Sit down, Connie. Sit.
Excuse me, but I am not one of your patients.
You're gonna be somebody's patient if you don't get your ass back down into that chair.
Wow. Ow!
I swear to God, you hit that kid one more time...
and I'm gonna stick that pig's head right up your ass!
Gary, are you gonna let him talk to me like that?
- Well, hon, he is a doctor. - [Laughing]
Okay now, Caroline, Lloyd and I will go into the kitchen and get the coffee and dessert.
- And then we're gonna open the presents. - We can't open...
- presents until midnight. - Why not?
- Because it's not Christmas until midnight! - Guess what.
We're changing the rules a little bit, okay? We're gonna open up the presents now.
Not later, now. Why? Because we're adults...
and we can open the presents whenever we want!
- [Snickering] - Let's go.
- [Caroline Groaning] - [Mother] Why isn't my portrait...
over the fireplace?
- Have some coffee. - Go to hell, mama's boy!
- Caroline, get a grip. - Or what? What are you gonna do? Shoot me?
[Laughing] You think death scares me?
You forget, buddy. I have been married to him for 15 years.
You forget I have your son upstairs.
[Sighs] God.
[Sighs]
- Here we go. How's that, Mom? Good? - Mary, this one's yours.
John, this is to you from me and Dad.
- What's that, Aunt Caroline? - It's an orange...
marzipan cake with creme de menthe and lime zest.
- Oh, sounds too sweet. - Then don't eat it.
Coffee?
Is it real coffee or some Scandinavian Christmas potion?
- How about some music? - How about some Nat King Cole?
- Oh, Gary loves Nat King Cole. - [Caroline] Gee, you know each other so well.
Okay, Nat King Cole it is.
- Oh. Gary, this is for you. - Oh, thank you.
Oh. This is for Jesse.
Uh, we'll just put that in a pile right over here.
Do you like it, Mary?
} Chestnuts roasting on an open fire }
Yeah, it's, uh... real neat.
Slipper socks! Oh, I have wanted these for so long.
Thank you, Mother Rose. Kids, look what Mom got.
[Quietly] You know, with all her money, what does she think? She's gonna take it with her?
- I think that's the plan. - } Folks dressed up like Eskimos }
Oh, Caroline, this is for you from Lloyd.
- } Everybody knows } - [Cracks A Nut]
- } A turkey and some mistletoe } - Lloyd?
Should I stop handing out the presents?
Maybe some of us are not in the mood?
Caroline?
You see, Dr Wong, you can use any treatment you like...
and it won't do a bit of good.
The simple truth is...
that she's a nasty, selfish woman who thinks only of herself.
She has ruined my son's life. I can attest to that.
- He has endured such heartache. - Lady...
why don't you just sleep with him. Let us all off the hook.
- Shit. - [Lloyd] Caroline, what are you doing?
What's the point? You've made your decision.
What decision?
Caroline's leaving me.
We're getting a divorce.
} And so I'm offering }
- } This simple phrase } - Why?
} To kids from one... }
- Gary, this is to you from me. - Thank you, bunny.
- Oh, thanks, Mother Rose. - I bought you the husky size, John.
You mustn't let your weight become a problem.
He does not have a weight problem.
Oh. Isn't that nice.
Thank you, Connie and Gary and Mary and John.
[Whispering] Mom, this is our gift.
It's to put in the bank. It's another payment on the loan.
Oh, thank you, Lloyd.
Of course, we'll have to see what happens with interest rates in the new year.
Cocksucker.
- What did she say? - She said, "Cocksu..."
You've been sucking us dry for years on this loan.
- Hey, Caroline. - No, I have something to say.
- You gotta problem with that? - Nope.
Don't you think it's gone on long enough?
You both borrowed money to open that ridiculous restaurant...
which I told you both would never work.
Well, it might have worked if you could have taken your tentacles off of him.
- Caroline, stop it. - If you remember, Caroline...
my husband has just died. I was all alone.
- And I had to have surgery. - Plastic surgery.
- It was necessary. - It was nothing more...
than needing to keep your son's attention on you.
- Manipulating him to open that store! - You were practically destitute!
I gave him a real job.
I let you use my home out of the goodness of my heart.
You're charging us rent, Rose.
- What kind of therapy is this? - Come on, now...
this is getting a little ugly here.
Yeah, we walk around on tiptoes because...
Mother might get upset or Mother might get angry.
And why? Let's be honest.
She has money, and she holds it over all of us like a death sentence.
I'm happy to give my children everything.
That's the problem!
One son who can't say boo to his wife...
and the other one, the other one... He just gives up.
One bad review in one lousy magazine.
- You just give up. - Now just a minute. Stop right there.
In the first place, it wasn't "one bad review in one lousy magazine."
- It was the Restaurant Guidebook of New York. - Oh, God.
And when the Restaurant Guidebook recommends you...
to Hindus looking for a fun night out of fasting...
what did you expect me to do, change the menu?
- You close the restaurant. - No, you close the restaurant. Other people try again.
But, you see, everything always came so damn easy for you.
But the first time that you tried something...
that was really important to you, to us...
and it didn't work out, what did you do?
You ran home to mom. And then you build this wall...
around yourself, shutting me out, shutting Jesse out...
with your cynicism and your derision!
And you call that being responsible!
Well, I can't live like this. I don't care if I wind up...
a truck stop waitress with platinum hair and pineapple earrings!
At least I'd be alive. Be better than living with a corpse.
Before you, uh, get on with your career in the service industry...
let's set the record straight.
Because I don't want you leaving with any misunderstandings.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I was afraid.
Maybe I can't... take failure.
That's probably true.
And maybe it's because the decision was all up to me.
It was always all up to me.
You were so afraid of being wrong, you never made a choice.
- At least you made it look that way. - What does that mean?
If you recall, my first response to my mother's offer to live here was absolutely not.
- Lie. - Absolutely not. You think about it.
We were sitting in our bedroom on 78th Street.
We were smoking a joint and listening to Al Green.
- And I said, "Absolutely not." - [Connie] I'm sorry...
but I have had enough!
I have never heard of such a Christmas!
Sex and drugs a-a-and women being set on fire!
- I am taking my children upstairs right now. - Connie, that's it.
- Sit down and shut up. Okay? Sit down and shut up. - Come on, kids...
- we're going upstairs. Gary? - I think this is more important.
- Well, I think this is sick! - Connie, honey, right now nobody cares what you think.
- You have not defended me once this entire evening! - Tell her to sit down.
[All Arguing]
Just sit down and give these people...
a little space to work out their...
- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! - [Glass Shattering]
- If you don't mind, the corpse still has the floor. - [Poker Hits Floor]
I told you what moving here could mean, but you were the one who said we should consider it.
Not the actual moving, just the considering.
The actual moving-in part was left to me. Why?
Because you didn't know what to do. You were confused.
You didn't know what was the right thing.
But you were sure as hell sick and tired of living...
in a one-bedroom apartment in New York City.
So don't hand me that "it was the best of times" bullshit!
You didn't want to work any more, and you didn't want any help with the baby...
because you wanted to do it all by yourself.
And you hated New York...
because we weren't as rich as your college friends were to enjoy it.
We couldn't afford a bigger place...
and you were miserable being around people who could.
And... we were up to our ears in debt.
But moving here was my decision.
Right! And the loan was same situation...
What difference does any of this make now? You're getting a divorce.
- Mother. - What?
Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for ten seconds?
Lloyd, don't talk to me like that in my own house.
You know what, Mom? You know what I'm gonna get you next Christmas?
A big wooden cross.
So every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices...
you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.
Gary, get my bags.
- I'm leaving. - [Connie] Oh!
Go get them yourself! He's not your errand boy!
Has everyone gone nuts? Who the hell do you think you are?
Slipper socks, medium!
- [Doorbell Rings] - Hey!
The army? What the fuck? What am I? Oswald, here?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, no.
Hey, come on. Come on, will ya?
Ooh!
- [Muffled Grunting] - Okay, okay.
- Is this part of the therapy? - [Doorbell Rings]
Now, I want everybody into the den or I'm gonna shoot her.
- Go ahead, shoot her. - Shut up!
Get in the den! [Growling]
[Doorbell Rings]
[Caroline] Hi.
[Man] Mr and Mrs Chasseur, I'm sorry to disturb you during the holidays.
I'm Lieutenant Siskel from the Academy.
Is there some trouble?
Yes, yes, and I couldn't in good conscience let it wait any longer.
[Lloyd] Does it involveJesse?
[Siskel] It does. Uh, Jesse is a very clever...
and enterprising young businessman.
He currently has several photographs of me.
- [Lloyd] Oh, my Lord. - [Groaning]
Hey, hey, kid. Kid, that's enough.
- You sure this will hold? - Yeah.
- [Chuckles] - I knew...
you weren't a doctor. I knew it.
You'll never get away, you know. You'll either be captured or killed.
One less worthless man around. One less burden to society.
Un-fuckin'-believable.
I've survived worse than you.
World wars, old age, marriage and weak men like you.
Men who don't have the guts to survive in the real world.
Men who are just scared little boys...
intimidating everyone with their aggressiveness...
because they're afraid the world will find out...
how small their penises are.
You know, lady, I'd like to tie you to the back of a fuckin' truck.
You don't have the balls.
- No, no! Don't. It's not worth it. - I just want to hit her.
- I fuckin' hate her, Lloyd. - I know. I know.
Mary, gag your grandma.
- [Whimpers] - [Gus] What the fuck is wrong with you?
I thought moms were supposed to be nice...
and sweet an-an-and patient.
I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you.
Your husband ain't dead, lady, he's hiding.
[Thumping Upstairs]
Let's go.
Shit.
- Wow. - Oh, honey.
Is Siskel still here?
[Lloyd] No.
What are you gonna do, Dad? Turn me in?
May I ask you just one question?
Is there something that we don't give you? What do you need all that money for?
- Drugs? What? - No!
- More video games? What more can we buy you? - Lloyd, no, stop it!
That's it, that's it.
- Gus, I'm going with you. I'll give you a cut. - What?
We can make it to the docks on foot. We can take a short cut.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, slow down.
You gotta take me with you. I have no other option.
- I can't stay here. - What am I? The fuckin' circus? Take you with me?
- But come on! - No, forget it. Forget it.
Just forget it, okay?
Don't start running, kid. Once you start, you never stop. Believe me.
Fine. Fine, be that way.
I'll just go by myself then.
Oh, please, Jesse, look. Give us another...
- Oh, Jesse. We screwed up, not you. Oh! - [Doorbell Rings]
[Sighs] Shit. Who is that?
Look, I promise you, we'll take care of this.
We'll fix everything. No matter what happens between me and your father...
- You're splitting up? - That's not your problem, honey.
Hey, I'm in this family too, you know.
Every time you guys yell and scream at each other, it is my problem, Mom.
- Caroline, let's go. - One second.
Okay, a lot's happened between me and Lloyd.
We've made a lot of mistakes. You got caught in the middle.
Do you hate each other?
[Doorbell Continues Ringing]
- No. - Then you're staying together.
- Caroline, come on. Let's go. - Oh, just wait! Please!
I don't know. I don't know what your father wants.
What do you want?
Caroline. Caroline, come on.
We'll talk about this later, okay? Just stay here, please.
- We'll be back soon. - What about Siskel?
We'll fix it, honey. We'll give him the money, the photos, anything.
Just... stay right there.
Hey!
You know something?
Lloyd, Caroline...
- every year we give you a fruit cake for Christmas... - Didn't you lock the door?
And you don't give us a goddam thing.
My wife thinks it's because...
Hey, you had a gun, didn't you?
- Me? - Yes, you did. You did.
- You had a gun. I saw it. - No.
- Hey, you're the guy. You're the guy, aren't ya? - Okay, pal.
What, are you pulling a gun on me? I'm not afraid of you.
- Just calm down, all right? - You think you can take me?
I'm Santa Claus. [Shouting]
- [Gasping] - [Santa Hits Floor]
Great. I just beat up Santa Claus.
[Siren Wailing]
Guys, the cops are here. What are we gonna do?
Central, Cruiser 252. Panella speaking.
I'm at the Chasseur house. Over.
- We gotta get you outta here. - But I can't just leave. I don't know where I'm goin'.
Just keep pretending like you're Dr Wong. Then you don't have to go.
- There's five people tied up in the back room, come on. - Then we can hide you.
- We can hide you anywhere. I know this place. - There's search teams.
They search until they find what they're looking for. It's a bad idea.
No, it's a good idea. There's the mud room, the trap door in the mud room.
- We'll put you in there. It'll be perfect. - No, no, no.
- Or the trunk of the beamer. The trunk of the beamer's a good place. - No, no.
- [Siren Wailing] - Oh, I know, the hope chest! We'll put you in the hope chest.
- I can pretend I've lost the key. - Forget about it! No, no, no!
[Gus] What about the basement? Is there a tunnel or a hole?
Path through the woods!
Jesse, quick, take Gus to the path through the woods.
You said you know a short cut to the docks, right?
You're the only one that can take him.
Well, what do you want us to do? Turn him in?
I can't spend my whole life sending everybody I care about to prison.
Go on.
Okay, Dad. Come on, Gus. Let's get outta here.
[Lloyd] And be careful.
- All right, go, go, go. We'll stall the cops. - [George Groaning]
If I were a Senator... [Groaning]
- How many more after this? - Sixteen.
- Geez. - 419, we're over at Seabury Court. Over.
- 419, Dispatch. - Yeah, we're starting canvassing...
[Knocking] State Police!
There's got to be someone home...
with all these lights and that car in the driveway.
Ah, geez. We got a live one.
I need some people to surround this house right now.
Eddie, get your men in here! Hit it!
[Muffled Talking]
Oh, my God! Thank God you're here! You've got to hurry!
- You have no idea the nightmare I've been through! - He left an hour ago.
- He went to an airport in Hartfo... Would you shut up? - The entire night...
I'm trying to give them important information. He went to an airport in Hartford.
Oh, I suppose you're the only one who's been tied up all night.
- I didn't say that. - What is this? A men's club?
Excuse me! Are there any other hostages in the house?
- No. - No.
- Oh, kid. Ah, Jesus. - Come on, Gus.
There's no better route than this with less snow?
No, this is it. This is the best route.
- This is the best route? - We'll be there in no time. Come on!
I might need a wheelchair, I'm telling you, kid.
I distinctly heard him say that he was headed to a small airport in Hartford.
And from there he was taking a private plane to Vancouver.
- [Caroline] No, no, it was not Vancouver. - What's going on?
- [Lloyd] Yes, it was Vancouver. - We're working on it.
- He was on the phone, and he said Yugoslavia. - Yugoslavia!
There is no Yugoslavia any more. And who in their right mind would go there?
- He's not in his right mind! - All right!
- Oh, uh, sorry. - Sorry.
Would you like us to come downtown and give our statement?
- [Both] No! - We'd be willing to do that.
- No, no, no, no. - Thanks anyway. Hey, Merry Christmas.
- Thank you. Merry Christmas. - Thank you very much.
- Oh. Well, if you're sure. - Bye. Bye-bye.
- Good night, everybody. - Thank you. Thank you so much.
- [Jesse] Docks are down the street on your left. - [Siren Blares]
Hey, George! The curfew! Go home! Get off the streets!
Home, George, home.
Guess I ought to be getting home now.
Good idea.
You know, I think things are gonna be different with Dad.
If they're not, I'll blackmail him. See ya, Gus.
Take it easy.
Christ.
I'm never having kids.
So do you think we should go untie everybody?
No. We should unwrap them in the morning.
- It'll be more festive. - [Laughing]
So what about Jesse?
Well, Siskel said if we give him back the pictures he won't press charges.
No, no, I, um... I mean about us.
What do we tell him about us?
Oh, Carrie.
Sorry, but Grandma's eating through her gag.
You know something? You are a piece of work, pal.
I tell you to get a boat, and this is what you get? Get out of the fuckin' way.
- Uh, Gussie? - What?
- When are we gonna open presents? - Presents?
Is that what you said? Presents? I'll tell you what.
As soon as we get back, we're gonna open the presents. Matter of fact, I'll tell ya.
I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant, fuckin' cannon, okay?
And when we get back, you're gonna crawl into it, okay?
I'm gonna put two pounds of gunpowder in there, I'm gonna light it up...
and I'm gonna shoot you right out into fuckin'Jersey, okay?
And then I'm gonna steal a car and drive to Jersey and pick up all the little fuckin' pieces...
of your body, put 'em in a big plastic bag, bring it back to my house...
put 'em in the fireplace, light 'em on fire. I'm gonna sit there with a glass of whisky...
and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes heatin' my fuckin' house! Oh!
- [Sniffing] Gus? - What?
- What's that smell? - Shut up.
} Life keeps me waiting }
} Against my will }
} Believe it or not }
} I know my own mind }
} Don't got no spark }
} Don't got no will }
} I'm weary }
} Nothing holds me }
} Eternally seeking }
} Through the windows of pain }
} Don't got no spark }
} Don't got no will }
} I'm weary }
} Don't have the answer }}
} Why }
} Can't we get our lives together }
} How }
} Can we stop hurting each other }
} Pray }
} To God that you can go }
} Stay }
} Outside this broken circle }
} Losing your }
} Dreams }
} We all must sacrifice }
} We pay the price We pay the price }
} Ashes to ashes }
} We all fall down }
} It's time for us to close this circle }
} Can we get up off of the ground }
} Why }
} Can't we get our lives together }
} And how }
} Can we start to make it better }
} Loving you is killing me }
} Live }
} The other life we should have lived }
} Give }
} All the love we never, ever did }
} Dreams }
} We all must sacrifice }
} Ashes to ashes }
} Why }
} Can't we get our lives together }
} And how }
} Can we stop hurting }}