Yeah, of course we're still exclusive, Tiff.
Oh, don't listen to Chelsea.
Chelsea asked me before I even knew we were
so it's like, I don't know what to tell her.
Hey, hold on.
Hello?
Hey, who's there?
Hey, whoever you are, show yourself.
That's what I thought, some pussy ass kids or something.
No, of course I'm not gonna bone her, okay?
You know, she smells like a rotten pumpkin.
Chelsea?
She looks like Don Knotts.
Gross!
Whoa!
Yo, yo, bro.
I'm a real deal legit MMA champ around here.
You're tangling with the fucking king, bruh.
Oh, that's how it's gonna be?
This motherfucker wants to step to me?
Tiff, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Hello?
Thad?
Hello?
Whatever.
I better not catch you fucking Chelsea.
You are so disgusting.
Fuck off!
♪ Hawk and Rev save another day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing them away ♪
♪ Step up, step up ♪
Not cool, guys!
Not cool!
Come on, seriously?
♪ Baby, my baby ♪
Mom!
Dad?
Hello?
Hey!
Come on, you little bitch.
♪ From the inside to the outside ♪
♪ The beast is getting low ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Crap.
Son of a bitch!
Fuck!
Huh, nice try, assholes.
♪ You have my word as the branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
Dear Hawk, when we asked you
to move out six months ago,
we did not mean into the backyard.
Your hobo camp is killing the grass
and the neighbors complained to the city
about the smell again.
Also, if you're reading this, you broke in.
But this time, the alarm was on, wasn't it?
That's right.
The police are on their way
and you're no longer authorized to be on the property.
Again, this does not mean we don't love you, son.
It just means it's time to leave the nest.
All the best, mom and dad.
Oh!
You get back here, you son of a bitch!
Sorry I'm late.
This rabid soccer mom
just tried to murder me with her minivan.
You wanna talk about it?
No!
I want her to die.
That's good.
Get the anger out.
Fine.
I want her little shiny minivan to explode into flames
and her whole un-American soccer-playing family
to roast alive and crackle!
Okay, I get it.
We all have our inner battles to fight.
Why don't you join in?
It might make you feel better.
What, do I just...
Yeah, like that.
Just like...
Yeah.
Yeah, focus on your breathing.
That's good.
Just like that.
Wow.
That's good, Hawk.
How does this help us kick ass again?
It doesn't.
I'm a vegan pacifist, remember?
What, are we supposed to keep doing it?
Yes, until you come to terms with your anger
and you can manage it.
Yeah, well, that could be a while.
My asshole parents just kicked me out again.
I thought you were out.
I was out,
in the yard.
Now they want me out out, like off the property.
Well, it is about time, right?
Who's freaking side are you on here?
That's good, Hawk.
Go for it.
Express how you really feel.
Fine!
I want them to die, Rev.
I want them all to die, every one!
I want everyone to die!
Death, dismember, dead, murder!
Okay.
We might be here a while.
In other news tonight, local MMA champ,
Thadwick Dunfrey was found dead earlier today.
Police claim it's an isolated incident
with no connection to all the other recent...
I'm sorry.
Where was I?
You were explaining why you were late
again.
Jesus Christ!
What's the big deal?
It's an empty goddamn building for Christ's sakes.
First of all, please stop using the Lord's name in vain.
And second, your shift starts at seven, Hawk.
And every time you're late, you really...
You screw me.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't tell your wives.
I mean, this has got to stop.
I got it.
I'm sorry.
My asshole prick parents finally kicked me out.
It's been kind of a rough day.
Look on the bright side.
I mean, at least you can finally get your own place.
Yeah, right.
I could barely even get this shit job
after Uncle Sam boned me on that whole assault BS.
Well, you did stab a fellow soldier with a two by four.
Prepare to face your death, Dirkman.
Never, human scum!
Take that, you undead piece of garbage.
Shit, I guess I'm going to prison.
He was a bloodsucking, allergic to the sun,
filthy ass vampire, Arnold,
and I would stab him a thousand more times if I could.
You do realize vampires don't exist, right?
If they don't exist,
why the hell did I stab that man with a two by four?
'Cause you're a paranoid schizophrenic
who better be taking his meds
or his PO is gonna be getting a call.
All right, all right.
Jesus!
No need for threats.
Hey, you mind if I leave some of my stuff?
Absolutely not.
And in lieu of your tardiness,
I'm gonna need you to drop some breaks tonight.
My breaks are legally mandated by the federal government.
And if you've got a problem with that,
you take it up with the damn liberals.
I thought you were an anarchist.
Not when it comes to my breaks.
♪ And if we don't need to fight to survive ♪
♪ Just surrender the fight ♪
♪ If we don't need to see all that is wrong ♪
♪ Then just I do ♪
♪ The boys are right ♪
Holy shit!
I feel like we really sank our teeth into them.
I can still taste the blood.
Mother effin' vampires.
This way, Forneus.
Say cheese, fang faces.
What was that?
Oh, shit!
It came from over here.
Must have just been a headlight or something.
All right.
Let's get this little guy inside.
I'm famished.
Come on, Forneus.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Either they're filming another remake of Lost Boys
or I just saw some filthy ass vampires.
Office, ASAP.
You did not office ASAP.
I was on the bus.
But I called and told you I saw vampires,
like straight out of Lost Boys.
Again, I was on the bus.
Is that porn?
No, it's public domain.
It's porn.
It's nonxploitation, actually.
Non?
You know what, Hawk, never mind.
What is it that I'm doing here?
I mean, this isn't like the first time
that this has happened before.
Actually, Rev, it's very, very different.
How so?
Well, for one,
they had one of those guys in a leather mask deal.
Like a gimp?
Yeah, on a leash, and they went into 201.
201's vacant.
Not anymore it's not.
It's filled with a bunch of these guys
and their beady black eyes and bloody mouths.
I thought you couldn't take pictures of vampires.
So I don't understand.
They don't give you a key?
It isn't in the contract.
They didn't give me healthcare either.
So you're just supposed to guard
the outside of the building?
Yeah.
I guess whatever they do behind closed doors
is their business.
What about you?
You're the janitor.
Don't you get a key?
Actually, I'm the groundskeeper, so.
Whatever.
Is that an actual lock pick?
Negative.
It's my mini Swiss army.
What?
It's good enough for the Swiss army,
it's good enough for me.
All right, I need to get back to work.
That dog poop is not gonna clean itself.
Ooh, Rev, look at this.
Hawk, no, no, no.
That's, that's oil.
Oh, that's oil.
That comes from cars.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
I swear to God, Rev, on my mother's grave, I saw them.
Your mother's alive, Hawk.
Your mother's alive.
Dammit.
Hawk, I told you not to call this number.
You gotta call dispatch.
Yeah, sorry, Jack.
It's just, they keep hanging up on me.
And my fight against the injustice and supernatural,
it just can't wait.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Okay.
I wanna report some very highly,
extremely suspicious activity.
Mm-hmm.
Earlier tonight, this very highly suspicious SUV
pulled up in our alley.
So naturally, I went to go check it out.
Naturally.
Yeah, so I went over there
and what do you know, out popped two vampires.
Two vampires?
Yeah, like the gang from Lost Boys.
The original or the sequels?
The original.
Not such a big fan of the sequels.
Yeah, me neither.
You do realize that false reporting of crime
is a violation of your probation.
This actually happened.
That's what you said about the sleeper cell.
Yes, but this time is different.
And that's also what you said about the Russians invading.
Well, I saw Red Dawn one too many times that week.
And the werewolves?
Well, that time, I just plain messed up.
All right, Hawk, here's what's gonna happen.
You stop calling in crazy stuff in the middle of the night.
In exchange, I'm not gonna arrest you.
Got it?
- But... - Bye.
Goddammit.
♪ Oh, Hawk, no one ever believes you ♪
♪ Nobody ever sees you ♪
♪ In the way that you wanna be seen ♪
♪ Baby, don't you know ♪
♪ You're just a lone ranger ♪
♪ There ain't no danger ♪
♪ Oh, just let it be, just let it be ♪
♪ Oh, let it be ♪
Any more sightings?
No.
I don't what happened.
They just disappeared or something,
kinda like all these folks.
Yeah, that's what they do.
What, the people or the vampires?
The imaginary things you see in your head.
I did not imagine them, Rev.
Well, at least you didn't call the police again.
That's good.
No!
It doesn't even matter.
They didn't believe me anyway, so.
You reported vampires with a gimp on a leash.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
Oh, come on, Hawk.
I'm sorry.
I just, I don't wanna see you
get in trouble again, that's all.
I agree, Rev.
You are sorry.
You're a four-eyed, bird-legged groundskeeper
who doubts his friends.
Are we still doing tai chi today?
I only do tai chi with my friends.
♪ Well, I didn't sleep a wink last night ♪
♪ Work's drying up and money's tight ♪
You talking to me, fang face?
What's that, blood sucker?
Oh, you want my life force?
Why don't you come take it then, you corpse?
♪ There's holes on my safety net ♪
♪ And it's a goddamn lie when I say I'm doing fine ♪
♪ Didn't think this was what I'm supposed to get ♪
♪ By doing everything that I ♪
Oh!
Hey, Terry!
What the hell, man?
Hey, Hawk.
I didn't realize you were home.
What the hell does that mean?
No, I called it in because I thought it was a real threat.
These three vampires.
Yeah.
Well, no.
Two of them were vampires, one of them was a gimp.
A gimp.
Yes, on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yes!
Jesus Christ, has no one in this town heard of S&M?
I'm a Mormon, Hawk.
And please, stop using the Lord's name in vain!
What is your point, Arnold?
That is my point.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Yeah, I just wanted to say I'm real sorry
about calling you four eyed, bird legged,
and ignoring you on the beach earlier today.
It just, it really hurts
when my only friend in the world doesn't believe me.
Anyway, I've been thinking more about it,
and it is all in my head.
Maybe I've been imagining the whole thing.
Holy shit!
They're back.
We should probably call this in.
I already did, remember?
They're not gonna believe us.
What if I do it?
They'll still think it's me.
Trust me.
You call them that much?
The world's a terrifying place, Rev.
Shit!
Did they see us?
No.
Did they see us?
Shh.
Are you kidding me?
Sorry.
Wow, look at that gimp.
I think I sharted.
Oh, God.
All right, I'll be willing to consider...
Yes, I knew it.
If and only if we lay out some ground rules.
Rules of engagement.
I love it.
What did you have in mind?
First off, no hurting or killing of any kind.
Wait, does that rule out staking?
Staking hurts and/or kills.
Okay.
What about asphyxiation by garlic?
Asphyxiat...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxi...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxiation implies hurting or killing.
Okay, well, how about holy water boarding?
Water boarding is torture.
So even if it's holy?
Yes, that is the same...
Secondly, we get help.
No, no.
I'm a black belt and I was army special ops.
I got this.
You guarded urinal cakes and TP, Hawk.
Fine.
I got a guy.
I'll text him.
And no arrests.
What?
Jesus Christ!
Are you really gonna wear that?
I like my jumpsuit.
Yeah, but you always wear them.
I mean, what if we have to do cloak and dagger stuff?
What, like sitting on street corners?
Oh, shit.
There he is.
Where'd you find this guy?
Oh, army prison, maximum security.
Put these on your faces.
And get in.
Okay, take off the blindfolds.
Hawk, he's got a gun.
No shit, Rev.
Okay, tell me who sent you.
Tell me or you're gonna know what it's like
to have hot metal pierce your flesh.
Actually, I kinda know what that feels like.
I actually shot myself in bootcamp.
Shut up.
Who are you?
It's Hawk from cell block nine.
You stopped that Nazi skinhead from raping me.
I'm the guy who stabbed
the vampire soldier with a two by four.
Oh, yeah.
I remember you.
You're the dumbest guy I ever met.
Oh, that's him.
Shut the fuck up, hippie!
Oh, no, no, no.
He's cool, he's cool.
This is my partner, Rev.
It's not his fault.
His folks brought him up on a vegan, yogi, nudist commune.
What are you looking at, hippie?
Nothing.
No, you're looking at my eye.
No, I wasn't.
I swear.
You're making fun of my handicap.
No, sir.
You know what?
I lost this eye so you could buy gas
for that foreign car you drive.
I'm a bus passenger.
- I don't drive. - Shut up.
You were saying.
Oh, yeah.
We got a vampire problem.
Vampire?
Uh-huh.
Black eyes, blood mouths, and a gimp on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yeah, like an S&M mask or whatever.
I'll look into it.
Actually, we were hoping that you might wanna
maybe take care of this with us, like together.
You know what?
I'm more of a lone wolf type of operator so...
That's great.
We love wolves.
Yeah, they're our favorite animal.
I work alone, no partners.
I tend to kill 'em.
So if there's nothing else.
No, wait.
What about being like a mentor?
You ever thought about that?
I mean, you can still be your lone wolf self,
but you can also help out some cubs in need
and passing down your lone wolf tricks.
And what's in it for the lone wolf?
I guess these cubs could do things with their cub talents
like this cub can guard.
And this cub's a groundskeeping engineer.
Like a janitor?
Yeah, but on the outside.
Hmm, like a guard?
Less with plants.
I looked at your eye.
All right, here's a list.
Meet me here after sundown.
And remember, this mission and my mentorship, a top secret.
You understand?
Sir, yes, sir.
What the hell was that?
I'm saluting you, sir.
You're our lone wolf mentor now, sir.
Sir, yes,
sir, yes, sir.
Cut the shit.
Now, close your eyes and count to a hundred.
Don't even!
One, two, three, four.
I feel like that went really well.
I think so too.
I said a hundred.
Five.
Six, seven, eight, nine,
10, 11,
12, 13.
When do we stop?
14, 15.
Keep going, Rev.
- Six, seven, 18. - What?
- You went backwards. - 19.
Okay, item one, garlic, five pounds.
Grocery store?
Yeah, but remember, no asphyx...
Asphyxiation.
Yes, I got it.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
I'm only touching organic garlic.
It just seems like a conspiracy.
One could say the same thing about vampires.
Item two, two by fours, lots.
I guess the lumber company.
Yeah, but remember, no staking.
Yes, I remember.
Here you go.
You got this.
Yeah, it's too much.
I'm gonna fall.
Yeah, I'm gonna fall.
I am, I am.
Are you good?
No, I'm falling.
I'm falling.
Item three, holy water, 10 gallons.
I guess we're in the right place for that.
Uh-huh, but just remember...
For the love of goddamn Satan, Rev, I got it.
Jesus Christ.
Sorry, sisters.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Yeah, hi there.
My friend here and I, we do baptisms
and we kinda ran out of holy water.
How much did you need?
10 gallons would do the trick.
10
gallons?
Yeah, 10 gallons.
Wow, that's a lot of baptisms.
What can I say?
Folks love almost drowning for their fate.
Are you guys hunting vampires?
No, why would you ask that?
Yeah, that's a weird question.
Not really when you think about it.
Guys, relax, okay?
Your secret's safe with me.
I'm actually writing a book about vampires
and was hoping to tag along
with a couple of real vampire slayers, maybe even help out,
you know, for research.
- Yeah, that might work. - Uh, no.
Help from a girl and a writer?
I don't think so.
Well, maybe I should call the authorities then.
Nope.
Welcome co the team.
Great, what are we supposed to do with this?
What do you think?
Spray it on damn vampires, Rev.
Well, it's just so small.
Well, then we'll mix it with water.
But then it'll be diluted.
Can you just let me decompress?
We just got blackmailed by a girl writer.
Yeah, but at least she gave you her number.
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Okay.
Strip.
What?
Is he kidding?
I don't kid about wires.
Do it!
This is ridiculous.
Who would we even wear a wire for?
Yeah, that's a really good point.
I will shoot you dead right here on this road.
Do it!
He's got a lot more clothes.
All the way, let's go.
Now bend over and cough.
No, come on.
Now, jack offs!
All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
Where's my stuff?
What the hell is this?
It's all they had.
Give me the two by fours.
Just so you know, we tried to get lots of two by fours
but we could only safely carry one on a bike at a time.
And the garlic?
They only had one bag left, organic.
Rev said the GMO ones give you kids with tails.
And deformed limbs.
Tell him about that girl we met at the store.
She's our new teammate.
She's a mystery novelist, and she gave Hawk her number.
No, Rev.
I had the lowest of hopes of you two idiots.
This is pathetic!
Does this mean the mentorship is over?
You wanna know what it means?
It means if you two come anywhere near me.
Give me the clothes.
Give me the clothes, now!
I need help.
I looked at your eye again.
I didn't mean to.
Have fun walking, turd birds.
Wow.
Your parents' backyard was pretty bleak but...
What?
No, it's fine.
It's pretty bad, Hawk.
Well, I don't blame him for a second.
I mean, my PTSD was raging after my discharge.
Look at these little guys.
Easter bunnies.
Nanny cams.
I used them to film my ex-girlfriend all the time.
She was a nanny?
No, I filmed her having sex.
You made pornos with her?
No, I wasn't in any of them.
Can we change the subject?
You mean, like she changed sexual partners
behind my back all the time?
Maybe I should go.
You haven't even met my arsenal yet.
Hey, arsenal.
Wow, that's a lot of garden tools.
I know.
I can't touch any weapons since my incident.
Well, except for this.
Good enough for the Swiss army...
Good enough for me.
Oh, and this.
What the heck is that?
My secret stake.
I always carry it.
You didn't have it before.
Yes, I did, it was just a secret.
I thought we agreed no hurting or killing,
and that includes staking.
We did, and this is a secret.
Lose it or you'll be on your own.
Or worse, with that guy.
No, you can't claim the ferret
if it doesn't do work for you, mom.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Terry.
Great, so no more vampires.
Oh, no, they're still here.
Give me a break, Hawk.
You know what, Arnold?
Next time I see one, I'll rip its damn head off
and give it to you in a bag.
As long as you're not late, that's cool.
Hey, hold it right there!
See, I told you!
Oh, no, wait, that's just Rev, the groundskeeper.
You shouldn't sneak around like that.
Yeah, I was just trying to find the light switch.
Is that a cape you're wearing?
That is correct.
Go home to your wives, Arnold.
Wife!
Whatever.
I got this.
All right, just stay out of trouble.
I thought you said to come suited up.
Yeah, not in the uniform of our enemy.
Capes are also worn by superheroes.
Take it off!
What the hell is this?
Anchor.
I thought we could use it for grappling.
I can't wait to grapple the hell out of a vampire.
No, no, no.
Grappling as in climbing.
But can I still grapple a vampire head with it?
No.
Fine, keep it.
Hey, Rev.
Yeah, Hawk?
You know what time it is?
7:30-ish?
There's no sun in here.
Negative.
It's beast time.
You know, like go time.
Like time to pay the piper.
Like I'm too old for this shit.
Like you're gonna need a bigger boat.
Like always bet on black.
Like after fucking your wife, I'll have two more.
Like you're the disease and I'm the cure!
Like I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it!
Like I'll be back.
Like go ahead, make my day, punk!
Like here's Johnny!
Huh?
Like yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Wax on, wax off.
I feel the need for speed.
Adrian!
I see dead people.
No one puts Baby in the corner!
Like Free Willy.
- No, never mind. - I like that one.
- No.
I can't believe you don't know any of those.
Any of what?
Any of those lines.
You never seen a movie?
Those are from movies?
Oh, my God.
♪ Bang bang, big finger on the trigger ♪
♪ Hey, it's getting bigger ♪
♪ You're looking manic, yeah ♪
♪ Bang bang, baby point me to the fun ♪
♪ Shoot me like a gun ♪
♪ Like a love automatic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ Run run for cover, I've got a gun ♪
♪ And I'm shooting love, don't panic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ It's now or never, I've got your number ♪
Okay, we need a rope.
I got the anchor.
I thought you said you were gonna bring a rope.
You told me to bring the anchor.
Goddammit, Rev.
Now one of us has to go back.
It's not good to split up.
Why don't I set up the nanny cams and you can practice
your army special ops moves on the way back?
You know what?
I got a better idea.
Why don't I go and practice my army special ops moves
and you set up those nanny cams.
Well, I just said that.
No, you didn't.
Six seconds and counting, cheetah one-nine.
Any developments, over?
No, all's well, honey badger.
Copy that.
Over and out.
Honey badger, of all the nanny cams in the world,
why Easter bunnies?
Two reasons, cheetah one-nine.
One, it's the only mainstream religious holiday
that celebrates zombies.
And two, my ex-girlfriend had an Easter fetish.
If you only knew where those things have been, over.
That is disgusting, over.
Okay, vampire or werewolf?
Werewolf.
But vampires live forever.
Yeah, but werewolves have more sex.
Okay, mermaid or siren?
Siren, male siren, of course.
Come on.
Merpeople are amphibious.
Yeah, but male sirens have shitloads of sex
and all they have to do is sing for it.
Okay, Big Foot or Yeti?
Big Foot, obviously.
Ah, but Yetis could live in the Arctic cold
and not freeze to death.
Yeah, but Big Foots live in nice, warm forests
where they have buttloads of sex, over.
You really need a girlfriend, Hawk.
That's a 10-4, little buddy.
Holy shit, we've got company.
Mayday, mayday!
Abort, abort!
What's going on down there?
Mayday, mayday!
Honey badger, come in.
Abort the mission!
Honey badger!
Abort the mission, over!
Honey badger, are you alive, over?
Honey badger, come in.
I'm in the dumpster below, cheetah one-nine, over.
Honey badger, I thought they got you, over.
I kinda wish they had.
It smells like 10 dead hookers in here, over.
Better than the Easter bunnies, over.
10-4, cheetah one-nine.
Is the coast clear, over?
Hang tight.
Honey badger, the coast is most definitely not clear.
You've got a bogey flying in over.
Come again, over.
Honey badger, you've got a vamp on you in five.
Oh, crap.
Should I get him with a garden trowel?
No, camouflage yourself.
Four.
Blast him with the holy water?
You're running out of time, buddy.
Three.
Should I hit him with my secret stake?
I thought we agreed no secret stake.
Two.
We did, but it's a secret.
Hey, one!
Hey, look at this.
Somebody left a perfectly good hand bulb planting tool.
Well, that's great.
We can finally plant all those tulip bulbs
you got in Holland, Forneus.
Give me a hand with this one.
It's gonna take all of us.
It's all those damn baby heads.
How's it looking out there, cheetah one-nine.
Hold position.
They're almost clear.
Copy that.
What'd throw at me, over?
Oh, dear God!
Oh, my God!
Somebody get me outta here!
Help!
I can't believe that son of a bitch vampire
stole my mom's hand bulb planter.
She's gonna be so pissed.
Hey, good morning, fellas.
You're up early.
As are you, deputy.
Out running lives already, I see.
Just doing my job.
As are we.
Hmm, so your job is, what,
ninja warrior and Karate Kid lookalike?
Oh, no.
Yeah, no, we're, it was dress up day at work.
Yeah, casual Friday.
So you steal all this stuff?
Oh, these old things?
No, we had a charity drive at work.
So you stole all this from the charity drive.
No, of course not.
That would be...
Uncharitable?
Exactly.
No, we're transporting them to a, a hospital.
A hospital.
Which one, specifically?
Oh, you know, it's the one down,
you know the one.
No, I don't.
It's the one for kids with,
with cancer.
There's a hospital just for kids with cancer.
Oh, yeah, and it's packed to the gills with them.
And they're all dying, all the kids, all of them,
just dropping like disease-ridden flies
from all the festering.
The cancer.
Yeah, it's a real tragedy.
I, uh,
it's really nice of you guys.
I didn't, it's unexpected.
What about these gardening tools?
Oh, gardening for the kids with all the festering...
The cancer.
That's right.
Gardening for cancer.
Yeah.
You guys, you keep up all the good work, huh.
You too, deputy.
I will.
You take care now.
I'm sorry.
It was either cancer or AIDS.
I figured cancer was more believable.
♪ And girls will come in festive clothes ♪
♪ And the boys will wait ♪
It's no big deal.
Hello?
Shit!
Don't fucking hang up on me!
Oh, crap!
Hello?
You know what, Hawk?
Fuck you!
Oh, hey!
No, no, no, that was not me
who just called and hung up on you twice.
Yeah, yeah, that is weird.
Yeah, that is my number.
I don't know.
Maybe a serial killer or something?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That is a weird thing to say to a girl.
Yeah, yeah, that would be great.
Well, let me give you directions.
It's kinda hard to find.
♪ We can live forever, girl ♪
♪ We can stay together until the morning comes tonight ♪
Hey, it's out of control for sure, dude.
We gotta shred it up San Muerte style, right?
Okay, man.
All right.
Hey, I know you barneys are up to something.
It's not funny, man!
Barneys, man.
Dude, I swear, I'm gonna tell Tegan and Brody, man.
And when they find out,
they're gonna Tegan and Brody you, dude.
Look, look, man.
You're not Santa Muerte.
I don't know where you think you are,
but this ain't your break!
Go back to your own break, kook.
That's what I thought.
God dang it!
Wow, I've never been booty called to a tent before.
You're welcome, little lady.
You want some cowboy coffee?
Hey, Terry.
Hey, Hawk.
So this is all temporary, right?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I stayed with my folks right after my discharge.
I had a little PTSD.
And we didn't get along so well,
but I'm looking for a place.
Where were you stationed?
Mostly Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.
Where the prison is, right?
Yeah, I was in a bad, bad place,
but, you know, I'm all better now.
Wait, you were in the prison?
Yeah, the army doesn't like you driving stakes
through its privates, and by that, I mean Private Dirkman.
He was a vampire, by the way.
Are you taking notes?
I am a writer.
That's what we do.
Am I like the star of your book?
Hard to say.
Maybe.
You think she's a double agent?
I think she was definitely pumping me for information.
I think you should be so lucky.
I think she was the lucky one in that scenario.
I pumped her right back, not for information though.
Thanks for that, Hawk.
I had sex with her, Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, stop, too far.
Let's back it up.
Back it up.
Let's go.
I had sex with her, Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
In her vagina hole.
I don't wanna know about it.
Okay, this is it.
I got it.
Foot it.
I know how to work a ladder, Hawk.
Okay.
After you, sir.
Oh, no, no, no.
You first.
I would rather you went.
My mother taught me to be a gentleman.
Just go, please.
- No. - Just go!
No!
- Go! - No!
Yes!
Move it.
We've got nanny cams to place and vampires to catch.
I mean, to stake.
I mean, no, to catch.
One, step into position.
Two, scan the perimeter.
Three, pick an enemy.
Four, strike up conversation.
Five, ready your pitchfork.
And six...
Wait, I have a question.
Number four, the conversation, can you explain that a bit?
Yes, you strike up conversation
so they let down their guard.
I usually go with something like this.
Hey, fucking corpse face.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, blood shitbag.
I hear you wanna eat nice innocent Americans for dinner.
Oh, yeah?
Well, not on my watch, bloodsucking vampire scum!
Take that, you filthy ass blood sucker!
New rule, no weapons.
Vampires, huh?
Oh, yeah, there are shit tons of 'em.
What about werewolves?
Oh, yeah, they're a big problem too,
just roaming around in packs, eating livestock,
pissing everywhere.
Filthy goddamn creatures.
Yes.
Absolutely.
No.
Yes.
Maybe?
Yes.
No.
And hell yes.
Hey, have you ever gotten your chromosomes checked?
Is that like getting your testicles checked?
Look, about last night.
If you tell anyone, it's never gonna happen again.
I mean, like never.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Like not even Rev?
Especially not Rev!
Also, if I get pregnant, I'm not keeping the baby.
It would be irresponsible
to bring your spawn into this world.
Well< I feel like it would be irresponsible not to.
I mean, who's gonna deal
with all these supernatural creatures
dicking around in the world when I'm gone?
A bunch of baby Hawks, that's who.
Humanity's survival depends on us.
Nope, that's not happening.
Sorry.
Hey, wait up.
Nope.
Question.
Why are we doing bird calls again?
Answer, your walkie dies.
Why can't we just whistle?
Whistling is most obviously human, Rev.
Even retards know that.
That's highly insensitive, Hawk.
Not if you compare it to getting your ass eaten alive
by bloodsucking vampires it's not.
Can we try the scarlet warbler?
Indeed.
Are you going to the bathroom?
What?
I had to go!
Are you all done in there?
Back off, Terry.
You know, I just, you know,
I've been going through this transformation.
It hasn't been all cute and cuddly, as you two know.
Anyway, I'm really sorry about the hassle.
And you know, if you two wanna give it a go,
I'm game for it, so.
Well, I think I speak for both of us when I saw we're in
just as long as we don't have to get naked again.
No, no more nudity.
I mean, unless you wanna do it.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
Well, in the spirit of all this newfound reconciliation...
What is that?
What is what?
Huh?
I can feel my skull.
The voices in my head, in the sky.
Bats, they're coming.
Go in.
They're everywhere!
It's the end of the world!
We're all doomed!
We're all gonna die!
Run!
Wow.
Whoa.
♪ Have you ever met this lady ♪
That's the way to do it.
Come to papa, baby.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh-huh.
What, what's happening?
♪ Have you ever seen this lady ♪
♪ She likes to dance ♪
Oh, there we go.
Oh, nope, sorry about that.
It got a little lonely at hobo camp.
Anyway, orange or grape soda?
I don't drink that stuff.
Chicharrones?
No, I'm a vegan.
So?
So I don't eat fried pig skin.
You vegans are all so angry.
We just don't eat animals.
I'd like to make a toast.
To us, to the mission, and to kicking mucho vampire ass.
And to not staking, no asphyxiation,
and not getting arrested.
To doing nothing fun to vampires.
Maybe they took the night off.
They're vampires, Rev.
They don't take nights off.
They don't socialize.
They focus on one thing and only one thing.
Murder.
I thought they did this for food.
Sure, but at the end of every night,
there's still a bunch of damn murders.
What about that pig
that ave its life for your chicharrones?
Are you really comparing me
to bloodsucking filthy ass vampires right now?
All I'm saying is maybe they do other things besides...
Oh, really?
Like what?
I don't know, like candle-lit dinners,
long walks on the beach, going to the library,
visit an amusement park, skip with their friends,
play hopscotch, collect turtles,
watch butterflies in the summer evenings.
Imagine how many books you could read if you live forever.
You just know how to ruin things, don't you?
This is so boring.
I just wanna stab a vampire.
I mean, catch a vampire.
Get off me, Rev.
Get off!
Get off me.
God!
What time is it?
I don't know, late.
I need to get to work.
Whatever.
I can't be partners with a quitter.
I have a job.
Wait, look!
Dude, I'm just saying, they all taste different.
Blood or the girls?
Come to think of it, both.
That is disgusting.
Shit, that's nothing.
Did I tell you about that time
I hit the all lady biker gang?
Oh, my God, this is so great.
We're gonna hit those three vampire birds
with one kick ass vampire slaying stone!
Yeah, except there's two of us.
Yeah, so?
So that saying doesn't work?
Why?
Because the odds are worse?
No, the odds are better.
It's just, you're missing the point.
Well, I feel like you're looking at it
with a glass half empty attitude.
And I think you don't understand either saying.
Well, I think you're a quitter.
I ain't quit!
That's what all quitters tell themselves, Rev.
All right, I checked online and it's our right as Americans
to citizen's arrest their filthy vampire asses.
You got your ID?
You know what this is?
A cassette tape.
Of the worst Christian hard rock band ever recorded.
It's so bad, even Christians cry when they hear it.
How do you know it will work on vampires?
I don't.
Can I get the smoke bombs?
You know, I'm sensing
kind of a quitter vibe from you right now.
I really need you to quit that shit right now, Rev
and get pumped up.
I'm pumped.
You don't seem very pumped.
I'm totally pumped.
I need you really pumped!
I'm super gosh darn pumped.
The makeup looks great, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
It's not makeup, it's camouflage.
Whoa, Forneus, take it easy.
You guys expecting anyone?
Hey, pizza delivery.
Did you guys order a pizza?
Well, somebody ordered a pizza.
Man, it might have been me.
I got this new medicine.
Smells good.
You mind if I come in?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in, man.
The more, the merrier.
So how much do I owe you, my man?
You must think you're pretty smart, huh,
just invading my territory.
No, I mean, there's plenty of gigs to go around.
Yeah, I mean, this whole area's super happening right now.
You know don't play dumb with me.
I know what you're doing,
and I don't appreciate the competition.
Competition?
We all have different sounds, man.
Yeah, I mean that's what's so great
about the music business.
The only business I wanna talk about is vampire business
and how you're feeding in my territory.
Oh, God, please, don't kill us.
Take what you want.
What kind of shit vampires are you?
Freeze, fang faces!
Hands in the air, vampires!
Jasper?
What's he doing here?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing here?
I was just, you know,
making sure the pool was clean and secure
before you boys jumped on in.
Pool?
What pool?
There's a pool here?
It's an analogy.
I was being a good mentor, you know, testing the waters,
making sure it's safe.
He's so nice.
He just gets nicer every time we meet him.
Yeah, no problem.
Anyway, go ahead and do your thing.
Do America proud, boys.
We will!
All right, vampires.
You're under citizen's arrest!
Oh, you are getting raped!
Whoa!
Easy, man.
I'm gonna eat your flesh and shit it out,
and then I'm going to fucking eat it again,
you motherfuckers!
I don't think we talked about that at all.
And then I'm gonna fuck your ear!
I'm gonna fuck it again!
And I'm gonna fuck your mother's ear and she's gonna die
and you're gonna die with her,
you vampire little pieces of shit!
I did not agree to any of that.
And I'm gonna poop on your fucking face, you little fucks.
You wanna fucking get some of this?
Oh my gosh, he's gonna kill us!
He has a weapon.
Break the door!
Hawk, break the fucking door!
What is it?
Where am I?
Easy, buddy.
You just, you just hit your little head.
What?
Relax, these guys are on our side.
But they're vampires.
Uh, no, no.
They're just a goth band.
Crypts and Sorrows of Darkness.
I came up with the name
during a vision quest to Romania with Forneus.
But what about the black eyes,
the blood, the gimp, and 201?
Oh, contact lenses, pig blood.
The gimp is a submissive of this guy here.
And management neglected to tell us
they rented it out again.
Oh.
It's all legal.
And avante.
Oh, and one more thing.
Yeah?
Our lone wolf mentor,
he's a filthy ass vampire!
Holy farts.
You think we should wear these on our backs too
just in case?
Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
Here, let me get that for you.
No.
No way you're getting behind me, mister.
You tried to eat that goth band.
I just lost it, okay?
Give me a break.
Okay.
If you try anything.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no more secret stake.
We did.
But you brought it.
Nope, it's a secret.
Yeah, but it's right there.
No, back to being a secret.
Fine.
Hey, guys.
I think we can catch Jasper in this without killing him.
What is that, a shiny butterfly net?
No, it's a vampire trap, actually,
made of silver-plated aircraft cable.
According to legend,
silver was the only naturally occurring substance
that could injure a vampire.
Drop him in this and he's helpless.
Guys,.
It's almost sundown.
What language is that?
Zulu.
♪ Hit it ♪
♪ That's what I'm talking about ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Okay now, from the beginning ♪
You ever thought about learning to ride a bike, Rev?
Yeah, seriously, Rev.
You're kind of a heavy hippie.
I'm not a hippie, Hawk.
Oh, better watch out.
He's gonna go cannibal again.
Die, yuppie scum!
♪ All you men with suits and ties ♪
♪ Just sitting in the crowd ♪
♪ I hope you're ready for what's coming now ♪
♪ I'm the one to bring you down ♪
♪ There's one where the big boys play ♪
♪ Where the race keeps going like the river ♪
♪ But they all never come ♪
Guys, this is Theo, our newest team member,
aka the fiery fox.
Did you just give me a code name?
I did.
We know her well.
Foxy indeed.
Not to mention fiery.
Wait, you guys know each other?
Yeah, it was like a, kinda polyamorous thing.
I told you I went to a liberal arts college.
♪ And when I'm good, I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good, I'm really good, girl ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good, I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good, I'm really good, girl ♪
I'm pretty sure this is Jasper's mom's house.
What do we do if he answers the door?
Well, normally, I'd say rip his goddamn vampire head off,
but that'd be against our rules of engagement, wouldn't it?
You guys have rules of engagement?
Rev wouldn't join my mission till I agreed to 'em all.
It's our mission.
And I just thought it'd be good not to hurt or kill
and then get help and not get arrested.
That sounds pretty logical to me.
You two are perfect for each other.
All right, army special ops
trained me to deal with delicate matters.
I will do the talking, okay?
Can I help you?
That depends.
Where the hell is your son?
Sorry, what is this in regards to?
What's the goddamn difference, lady?
Is this filthy bloodsucking vampire ass here or what?
We need to ask him some questions.
Excuse me.
No, excuse him, ma'am.
Besides being extremely rude, what he forgot to mention
is that we work with Jasper.
Yeah, we're his coworkers.
His work friends.
I'm so pleased to finally meet some of you.
He doesn't have a lot of friends.
Oh, that's a big fucking surprise.
Just ignore him, ma'am.
We all do.
Well, I haven't seen him since last night.
He left saying
that he was going to assess the competition or something.
But if there isn't anything else,
I have a casserole in the oven.
No, ma'am, I'm real sorry I was so short earlier.
Jasper borrowed this DVD I rented a while back.
You can still do that, rent DVDs?
Yeah, of course you can still do that.
They also charge hella late fees.
So can we look for it in his room or...
Which one was it again?
From Dusk till Dawn.
Oh, that vampire movie
with that handsome doctor fella from TV.
Yeah, it's his favorite, and the director trying to act.
Yeah.
Well, I'd check the garage.
It's where he's been sleeping most days.
He's been complaining about migraines,
can't be in the light.
I don't understand what's going on.
He was also the Batman with the nipples.
Geez, talk about frightening.
I bet he's got a whole coffin of human heads in here.
Don't they sleep in coffins.
Who's to say they don't snack in them too?
I would.
Gross, you'd get bugs.
He's a vampire, Rev.
They don't give two shits about bugs.
How'd you know about the DVD?
We were bunkmates in cell block nine.
It was either watch his favorite DVD or...
No, I don't wanna know.
Yeah, yeah, you don't.
Hey, guys, look at this.
Who needs this many blood bags?
Same guy who does all this.
Maybe he's just doing a lot of drugs.
It does kinda Look like a meth lab in here.
How many meth labs have you been in, Rev?
Seven.
No,
eight.
Holy shit, guys, look at this.
Whoa, it's like A Beautiful Mind.
Yeah, but ugly as shit!
I wonder how many cats he stole this yarn from.
Oh, my God, look at that little guy.
Come on, Hawk.
This is serious.
I know, Rev.
Look what he's sitting on.
It's a blueprint for the city's water filtration plant.
Look, here's the well.
What?
How do you know that?
I used to work there.
They fired me 'cause I tried to excise a demon
from a day shift manager.
Well, they probably didn't want all that blood
near the city's clean water.
He's gonna poison the well.
And create an army of filthy ass vampires in the process.
What, what are you looking at?
Bye!
Bye.
We really need to call the cops.
We already did.
Trust me, they won't even believe us.
Yeah, they really won't.
Okay, well, then I'll call.
No, they'll still think it's me.
Yeah, they really will.
You'll probably get arrested.
Aren't you supposed to be taking notes on this?
No, Hawk, I think we have bigger problems right now.
Holy shit!
Why didn't I think of that?
Hold on.
Rev, I'm breaking rule three.
God, Hawk, what is it now?
I'm sorry, Jack.
I just wanted to call and confess
that we lied about those kids with cancer earlier.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
They still have it, but all the toys, they were stolen.
Great, then I'll come arrest you then.
Did you just hang up on me?
I did.
I told you not to call this...
You do that again, I swear to God,
I'll throw the book at you.
You hear me?
I triple dog dare you, Jack.
Hawk...
You didn't say where, genius.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Just hit redial!
I don't have redial.
You just hit the same button.
Hold on.
Hawk, you are done, do you hear me?
I'm going to own your ass, mister!
I forgot to say I'll be at the water filtration plant.
I am coming for you, you son of...
He'll be there.
Usually, I get so hard in a car full of people.
I mean, I'm usually up to fuck, mmm,
so much.
But I'm scared.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm scared, guys.
I mean, my dick can't get hard when I'm scared
'cause Andros Junior doesn't like fear.
He likes pussies.
I wonder what he's doing over there.
He's probably talking on the phone with his mommy.
I mean, what kind of loser ass vampire lives in a garage?
Weren't you living in your parents' backyard?
Yeah, so what?
So where are you living now, Hawk?
Uh, in a tent in the camp down by the gully.
What are you trying to say, Rev?
I'm pretty sure he's trying to say
at least Jasper lives inside.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Yeah.
Oh, I see how it is.
You know what?
I don't need help, especially from some girl writer,
and some lame old goth band,
and a sad loser traitor I thought was my friend.
I really think we should wait for the cops, Hawk.
Oh, yeah, and just let that son of a bitch cop
with cool hair take all the glory?
No freaking way.
And another thing, fiery fox.
If I survive this battle,
we're going on a proper date, damn it,
not just another one-night stand in my tent
down in that camp down by the gully
next to that sad, sad snoring accountant.
Terry.
I like Terry.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, we're going on a proper date
to a place named after a garden or something.
They, they may even prepare a salad at the table.
I don't know, but we are going, even if you did have
liberal arts, creepy, poly, gothic group sex or whatever
with all or most of these people.
Yeah, that's not what's going on here.
Yeah.
Believe it or not, we're monogamous.
It really bothers you, doesn't it?
No!
I'm coming for you, vampire!
Wait, Hawk, you forgot your net!
Is the child lock on the door?
I think it's...
I got it.
You let them in my room without my permission.
I know it's technically the garage.
That's not the point!
Jesus Christ, Rev.
You can't just sneak up on people like that.
Sorry, but you forgot the...
Dang it!
Hawk.
Are you crying?
Hawk, this is huge!
Hawk, you're feeling something other than homicidal rage.
Don't you make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
You are.
No, I'm not.
You are.
I am not.
Are to!
No!
Are to.
Am not.
Should we be helping them?
Dude, we're musicians.
We don't tussle with vampires.
Totally.
We could tussle with this.
God, you make me so angry!
You're not even a real pacifist!
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You're so violent.
You make fun of my feelings!
I hate you.
You also let them take my favorite vampire movie.
You know how much that means to me.
Yes, I know there are better movies,
but that's also not the point.
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You, you do this to me!
Mother, I have to go.
Forget something?
Also, where is the vampire?
I'm right here.
Oh, he's out.
I'm warning you, fang face.
I'm a 12-degree black belt.
I was army deep deep special ops.
And I've battled your loser kind before.
Yeah, and I...
I got this silver-plated net.
Now, you lay down those fangs and surrender
or we're gonna be forced to get physical.
Oh, I got that one.
I love that song,
- get physical. - Oh, come on, Rev.
I am so gonna enjoy this.
Hey, guys.
Who's your friend with the cool fangs?
Run, Terry!
What?
- He's a vampire! - He's a vampire, Terry!
Run!
Vampire?
He's a fucking, vampire, Terry!
Run!
Wait.
That's not cool.
Terry!
Not cool!
You get off him, you cannibal!
What are you gonna do, cry about it?
Like you did every night in cell block nine?
You'd cry too if your cellmate was a sexual predator.
Yeah!
- Wait, what? - What, you're...
No one's asking either of you.
Come on, Hawk.
There's no need to get all up in arms about it.
Catch!
Oh, God!
Oh!
Did he just rip that man's...
Arm off and throw it at 'em?
Not cool!
My arm!
You back away from that homeless accountant,
you vicious vampire scum!
What's wrong with you, you bloodsucking bastard!
Pick on someone your own size!
I'm sorry, guys.
Were you trying to get a leg up on me?
Not my leg!
Not his leg!
Not the leg!
So much blood.
He's laughing at us, Rev!
Come on, man!
He won't stop throwing limbs at me.
Guys, guys, guys.
No need to lose your head over it.
Don't you even.
No!
Not the head!
- Please don't do that! - No, don't.
Not that, no!
Any last words, accountant?
Tell my mom
that she can't write the ferrets off on federal tax.
But maybe try state because they can count
as companion animals, you know, for emotional support.
Emotional support!
No!
You're going down, Hawk.
This is the last time you do this to me.
Now you're mine.
You know,
I used to be just like you guys.
I fought evil.
I defended the good and the weak.
Hell, I even had 72 red baron kills.
You're nothing like us, vampire.
That is a shit ton of kills.
That is a lot of kills.
Yeah, you're like a mass murderer.
They're blood suckers, Rev.
Yeah, anyway, you know what I got
after defending Santa Muerte for all those years,
after all that blood, sweat and sacrifice?
I don't know, vampire.
A raging boner load of your own satisfaction?
That's what I'd have.
I got nothing.
It was meaningless.
I was resigned to my mortal fate,
until I got a call from a nursing home
about some old drooling Nosferatu.
Give up, you old demon!
Never!
Join me, human spawn.
And just like that, I was immortal,
at the top of the food chain officially.
And there's plenty of room up here for you,
your boyfriend,
and his mentally challenged janitor sidekick.
You should all just join me.
We could rule the world.
We'll never join you, vampire.
Also, Rev is not mentally challenged.
He is a goddamn groundskeeping engineer.
Thank you for remembering that, Hawk.
Also, Hawk is not my boyfriend.
Wait, what?
You're not my boyfriend, Hawk!
But we had all that sex.
I mean, you even let me do that thing.
Yeah, she let me do that thing too, man.
You slept with a vampire?
Dude, this is so boring.
I mean, other than that poor man's limbs being ripped off.
Yeah, there was that.
I thought Hawk said he was a black belt.
Come on.
He thought we were vampires.
Where the fuck did you get popcorn?
Yeah.
When did you pop that?
How do you even get it in your mouth?
I didn't open your zipper.
Oh, you're doing that yourself now?
You're motherfucking mine.
Come on, Hawk.
I mean, you just gotta get past
your narrow-minded views of monogamous relationships.
Yeah.
Seriously, dude, relax.
Hawk, join me.
You can have any man or woman you want,
be or do anything you want.
And you never have to work
as a small town night security guard again.
People might even take you seriously.
I'm not gonna lie, guys.
This is sounding pretty good.
I mean, no one ever takes me seriously.
- Yeah, they don't. - They really don't.
At all.
I didn't think it was that bad.
Look, I appreciate the offer, vampire.
I really do.
But I'm already pretty good at kicking asses.
And Theo here, I mean, she's all the woman I need.
Also, I kinda like being a small town night security guard
who's bad with women and people don't take seriously.
It gives me the element of surprise.
Also, I'm not a cannibal, and I don't eat people.
That's the same thing.
You just said the same thing twice.
That's the same.
Yeah, that's the same thing, man.
You know what?
What-fucking-ever, vampire!
I'm done playing your bloodsucking games!
Yeah.
Now, I'm gonna give you one last chance
to lay down those fangs and surrender.
Or mark my words as Hawk-Hawk, vampire slayer,
savior and protector of Santa Muerte...
Yeah.
I will drive a stake right through that ass!
Yeah!
Or chest.
What?
You get the idea!
Damn it, I forgot my secret stake.
If you trace your steps back, maybe we can figure out.
You had it at the religious supply store
- so maybe you left it... - Rev, we get it!
I got this, okay?
Oh, yeah!
Holy shit, that's working!
Oh, vampires don't like Jesus.
Quick, Rev, get the silver-plated net.
We're taking this one alive.
Right behind you.
Catch!
In the name of the father, the son
and the motherfucking holy ghost!
And Jesus!
One.
Two.
Three!
Yeah!
Don't you hiss at my woman, fang face.
Easy, Hawk.
Yeah, I can take care of myself, thank you.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot.
Hawk, you know, I'm just so proud of you.
I really am.
I think you've done a wonderful job.
Oh, thanks, Rev.
You know what?
I think you can wear one of my vests now.
You earned it.
Really?
I've always wanted to wear one of your vests.
Theo, what do you think?
Okay, Hawk, I'll write about you.
And I will consider being your girlfriend.
No, no, I mean about wearing one of my vests.
Oh, my God.
I'll think about it.
Oh no.
What?
Oh, a nick,
or a bite, a bite from a...
The vampire nicked me!
I'm gonna be a blood sucking,
no, I'm gonna be a bloodsucking vampire!
Stop that!
Just get away!
Get that away from me!
Get the hell back!
I'm a bloodsucking vampire!
Oh no!
Oh God!
Jesus Christ.
Oh God.
Hey, Jack.
We finally caught ourselves a vampire.
This is Deputy Jack Scroggins.
I'm gonna need some help up here
on the road to Santa Muerte water filtration plant.
Somebody get my stepmom!
Oh my God!
Also, he may turn into one, so.
I'm a future killer.
I'm gonna kill people in the future.
Make that a lot of help.
You did it!
Oh God!
Can we get a bandaid?
Horrible timing.
Oh God!
♪ You have my word as the air earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there are none ♪
♪ You have my word as the branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
♪ My baby, my baby ♪
Dear Hawk, we're so happy
you're feeling well enough to go back to work.
Maybe you'll finally move out of the yard,
or better yet, back into the house.
Love, mom and dad.
♪ Their faces here, they glow ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word as the earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there are none ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good, Hawk.
I'm proud of you.
You just take it easy there, vampire.
I got my eye on you.
I'm not a vampire, silly.
How could I exist in the sun?
I don't know.
Maybe your clean vegan lifestyle has turned you
into a vegan super vampire who's impervious to the sun.
Well, I'm not craving human blood or anything
or any type of blood.
And I'm not thinking about murder.
Well, that's good.
But if you try anything...
I won't.
Yeah, but if you do.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no secret stake at tai chi.
We did.
But you still brought it.
I know.
It's a gift.
It's for you.
For me?
Hawk, you son of a bitch.
What's the matter, old boy?
You vampire!
You!
Damn it.
My own secret stake.
Yeah, so this way, you know, if you turn,
you can just stake yourself
so I don't have to live with the guilt of it all.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry.
For what?
For saving Santa Muerte
from bloodsucking vampires.
I'm just glad everything's settled down.
Well, either way, I'll still be here
carting this empty building.
And you'll be on time.
Jesus Christ, Arnold.
Give me a damn break.
I'll give you a break, Hawk,
when you stop attacking my religion.
Well, we'll call it a Mexican standoff.
Speaking of breaks, I think it's about time
for me to take mine.
You just clocked in.
Take it up with the damn liberals.
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm back.
How was your gig?
Fucking mummies!
♪ Hawk and Rev doing anything ♪
♪ Saving the world, keeping everything ♪
♪ Safe for you when you sleep at night ♪
♪ They'll be asleep just by our side ♪
♪ Hawk and Rev saving the day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing them away ♪
♪ Don't have to be tough, don't have to be strong ♪
♪ Just hold my hand when the night's been long ♪
♪ Oh, don't you fret my dear ♪
♪ He's gonna make it all right out here ♪
♪ Santa Muerte's got themselves some new heroes ♪
So you're doing that yourself, now?
Take off the mask, Forneus.
Seriously, take it off.
♪ Hawk and Rev ♪
Hawk, what the hell are you doing?
You're wearing Forneus's gimp mask.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's just that I get really lonely down at hobo camp.
Just everyone always leaves me, like Theo.
I'm just trying to fit in.
What?
You know what, if you guys aren't gonna accept me,
then I'll just, I'll just go!
Wow.
Can you leave the popcorn at least?
Fine!
I have the munchies, drama queen.
Seriously though.
What's his problem?
Drama.
Yeah.
Wait.
Where is Forneus?
Rev, what the hell are you doing?
Why are you wearing Forneus's gimp mask, Rev?
Geeze louise, guys.
You have to get over your narrow-minded view
of slave/domination.
I mean, it is 2030, right?
It is?
Yeah, it takes a really long time to make an indie film.
Yeah, I guess he's right.
Oh, wait, popcorn!
Okay.
It's soy milk flavored.
Hmm.
I like soy milk.
Oh, God, that's disgusting!
Hey, guys.
Terry, what the hell are you doing?
Why are you wearing Forneus's gimp mask, Terry?
Oh, that.
I'm just trying to get away from my mom.
She keeps trying to make me do
weird deductions with her taxes,
you know, ferrets, and barrels of toxic waste,
and a life-sized blow-up doll of my stepdad.
Gross.
But we just saw you get ripped to shreds.
By a blood-thirsty vampire.
I know.
It's weird how life works out sometimes, right?
Who the hell are you?
Yeah, and why are you wearing Forneus's gimp mask?
I'm Sean.
I'm the cinematographer.
You know, with these low-budget movies,
you know, not enough budget for other actors.
Okay, sure.
But then who's...
Yeah, who's filming us right now?
That's a good question, actually.
Hasta la vista, baby.
It's Terminator.
Right.
This is the one where he goes back to the past
to kill, right?
I never saw it.
Hey, this is a really nice shot, vampire.
Yeah, looking good, vampire brother.
Whoa, whoa.
Rev, you can't say that.
He's the director.
Plus that's not cool.
Yeah, but I'm also half vampire now,
so I can say things like that, right?
I'll always think of you as a half human hippie janitor.
Well, first off, I'm not a janitor.
I'm a groundskeeping engineer.
And apparently, I'm an actor, so.
I looked at your eye again.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.