Previously on Weeds
U-Turn, why the fuck ain't I got this new weed ?
the strain is called MILF Weed
It's the brand out on the date.
I totally kick ass !
What does kicking ass entail ?
A girlfriend ! But that's not all !
I'm gonna be the class speaker for graduation.
He doesn't know what I do.
Keep clinging to that raft.
You are new to the neighbourhood.
This is to say goodbye.
Dozens were arrested, including drug king pin, Aaron Kashishian.
Our very first camera !
This is better than porn !
Some fucking low-life has stolen two of them already.
And the drug free zone signs, and the Sasquatch costume.
DRUGS ARE WROOOOOOONG !!!
I'm Kat, is Andy here ?
How did you find me ?
You must be Shane, hi, heart, hug.
You're the crazy chick from Alaska who tried to kill my uncle ?
Abumchuk is very upset with you, he read my memoir and he wants to kill you Andy.
Peter and I are technically married,
It's a business arrangement, pure and simple.
Silas.
Go away.
Come on, you can't stay locked in there for ever.
You go to him, you tell him you love him.
You tell him you out after the office, you get your money back.
Heylia James gets wiped off his board, I take the equipment and disappear.
Did you tell Heylia yourself or did you have your boy Conrad do it ?
I gave you the Armenians !
This is just not fucking working. This isn't working.
Agent Wonderbread is not my husband.
I do not love him.
I'm never gonna love him.
Weeds 211 "Yeah, Just like Tomatoes"
"little boxes" performed by Jenny Lewis and Johnathan Rice
You should be careful
The human body is very flexible.
Yeah but your small intestines can get tangled and eventually explode and ...
Shane ! Leave Kat alone.
Kat, please leave my house.
Are you trying to act in lesbian vampires ?
What ?
Pussycat havin' her nose bleed
They ... shark week... and rubian diamond.
Are you asking if I'm having my period ?
We're cycling together isn't that cool ?
Weew ! Andy !
Why is your lunatic girlfriend still in my house ?
Oh don't worry if no one claims her in the next few days I'll have her put down.
Silas where were you ?
Give me your car keys. Give me ! Your car keys !
I think not wanting to hear your mom have sex with a narc is a good enough reason to stay out all night.
Nothing happened. Mom kicked him out after 15 minutes.
Shane !
talk about the fastest gun in the West.
Silas !
Shark week.
Shane !
Peter !
... you've brought many... oranges !
I felt bad for the orange guy. it's hard day, not a lot of traffic.
Plus I felt bad about last night.
It was kind of ... awkward !
It was !
This is our ...
adjustment period... of time.
So you're okay with where we are ?
As a couple.
Of course !
Feeling good ?
Feeling great !
Great !
That's great !
Yeah !
So how long before you retire and I get you all to myself ?
Soon !
I can't wait.
You and me.
You want some orange juice ?
Fresh squizzed ?
No.
Bye.
Thank you.
We can't keep doing this.
You're right.
Let's mix it up a little.
You get on top of me.
But don't face me this time.
No I mean we can't keep fucking in motel rooms.
I gotta be honest with you, I'm not that comfortable having sex in public places.
I'm too tall.
Why are we still sneaking around behind the backs of people we don't even love anymore.
That's how cheating works.
Hey let's play some more surveillance videos.
No we can't.
Drug free zone band had finally stolen my last fucking camera.
Is that what we sound like ?
Listen to that !
That is so fucking hot !
Would you leave Dean ?
What ?
Would you leave Dean ?
Would you leave Dana ?
If I left Dana would you leave Dean ?
If I left Dean would you leave Dana ?
Dana doesn't like sex.
She's a fool to reject you.
You are an awesome lay.
So let's do it.
I'm sick of living in a fuckless marriage.
And with what you have between your legs,
it's a waste !
It's like having this great big boat and no lake to sail in it.
Be my lake.
Chill the fuck out, there's a lot of people in front of you.
Oh yeah if you're talking that kind of money I suppose we can move you on.
Right on man
9 o'clock this morning our stash was valued about 300 Gs.
But the market's just making the bull one offer, we just hold off for say
another week ?
we should have half a million easy.
Do you think that you can ... agent Wonderbread alone for one more week ?
.... Ruby's in town.
Who ?
Never mind, I ... alone.
It'll be over.
He brought me oranges this morning.
Half a million, huh ?
A fucking shame.
What viagra was for fathers,
MILF weed could have been for us.
Yeah, fucking shame.
I'll use my cuts to start my own grow house.
I did it once,
I'll do it again.
Better.
Hey gang !
I'm glad you're both here.
I'm starting my own hedge fund and I'm looking for investors.
You should come look at this.
Did you know that there are amazing opportunities to be add in the exploitation of emerging third world countries ?
With 370 billionaires in this country and 40 millions of people living beneath the poverty line.
Wake up 7 eleven, this is the fucking third world.
How do you know that stuff ?
The daily show.
Oh my god !
- On the fucking ground. - Fuck you, motherf...
What the hell are you doing ?
No more games, no more bullshit.
I want the marriage certificate.
What ?
I want the certificate or your boyfriend here is going to be just another dead nigger drug dealer.
It's too late, I sent it to the XXX record.
My wife ?
My wife !
Why are you doing this ?
Because I'm agent Wonderbread.
Alright fuck it.
Fuck the marriage certificate, here is how we gonna play it.
Now.
Take your last harvest, get a single buyer, make a quick deal and then hand all the cash over to me.
Every goddamn last penny.
And then I want you to make every effort to ensure,
that I'll never see you again.
All of it ?
If you prefer prison,
to giving up you payday I will take you down.
And if I got to, serves me right.
Because I let anything XXX for you.
And you fucked me !
See you soon.
Give me your fucking phone.
You hear me now motherfucker ? You hear me ?
Did you sleep in the guest room ?
No.
Where were you ?
Fucking Doug.
What do you do now ?
Me.
Celia what the hell are you talking about ?
I'm leaving you.
The marriage is over, I want a divorce.
I'm having an affair.
With Doug.
It's official, you've lost your mind !
Where do you think that I've been, all these nights ?
Why do you think that I've been so... happy ?
Doug Wilson ?
I think it's best if you move out.
I hear the oakwood in Burbank is very nice.
Doug hates you !
Doug loves me, now.
Unbelievable.
Why? You are so the kind of guy that stuff happens to !
Who's gonna tell Isabelle ?
We'll tell her together.
I wanna live with dad !
How do you spell "hypocrisy" ?
This is boring.
Shane,
I have to go out
somewhere for a couple of hours.
Lupita's in her room,
Andy is ... some place.
Are you okay ?
I'm fine.
You look anxious.
I'm fine.
Hi Mrs. Botwin.
Oh hi Gretchen.
Shane's right, you look anxious.
I'm fine.
I'll be home soon.
Your mom's weird.
I know.
How do you spell " XXXmore " ?
Who cares ?
Let's get drunk !
Drunk ?
Hey guys !
Hi Kat !
Hi !
I'm Shane's girlfriend.
Oh lucky you !
It's our one week anniversary.
Oh my gosh I'm so happy for you guys,
The first week is so hard ! But if you haven't slept with someone else by now,
it's a pretty good sign.
Hey buddy,
your mom gave me orders, we gotta go to the mall and pick you a graduation suit.
I'm coming.
I can take this to lot of places.
I come to you out of respect.
Respect my ass !
You came to me cause you're in trouble.
Yes, yes I am.
And despite the fact that you threatened
to kill me and orphan my children,
You're still the only person I can make this offer to that I trust.
Hold on !
Come on ! Let's go ! Don't be late !
Don't look at me like that I know your momma now.
So what you got to say ?
Buy our harvest.
Bargain basement prices, walk away with 6 months worth of the best shit in town.
Double, triple your investment.
And who am I supposed to sell it to ?
These kids here ?
I know your game is shut down.
Take it back east.
You're always talking about buying a place next to your sister's in Detroit.
Oh ! So now I'm supposed to traffic accross state-lines !
Ain't that genius ?
Take a business it took me 20 years to build and just pick it up and move it some place else.
You tell me you get into the shake-down for Mr Federal Agent ?
Well good, welcome to the fucking party !
Conrad know you come to see me ?
No. Are you buying or not ?
You too like them big companies pumpin toxic shit in the air
and then actin' all surprise when ice-caps melt and hurricanes drown the world.
Fuck you, I drive a Prius.
Hey Vanita,
Conrad ended up to his bold fucking head.
Oh we goin' to jail.
She's just so awesome !
Uncle Andy ?
Do you love Kat ?
No ! No no !
Then why are you with her ?
She makes me crazy.
And she makes me crazy.
Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend ?
Hold him too tight and he'll turn into dust.
Bite me !
Alright, gloves off !
You wanna piss me ?
It's all fucked up, and it's never boring.
You know, look at this.
See that scar ?
She stabbed me with an icicle when she thought I kicked one of her spirit animals.
What's a spirit animal ?
Who the fuck knows ? 10 stitches.
But she keeps me on my toes.
All 8 of them.
When I'm with her,
I'm alive.
It's him.
We better go at the back, it's him.
Who ?
Abumchuk.
The Eskimo ?
He's big.
Yeah, he wears a size 15 mukluk.
It's go-time.
Um, we're gonna take this one !
Who are you ?
I'm a business-woman.
What do you want ?
Something you want.
Pussy ?
Even better.
Yo U-Turn !
Which which one is he ?
See if you can guess.
Lose the shirt !
(Check ball)
What you want from me, man?
I'm looking to sell about 30 pounds of sexy mama.
That's a big move.
Interested ?
Rejected !
Alright.
Man, I'm talking about your weak ass-suck !
I'll take some.
Ball !
Let me ask you something !
Why all bitches gotta be so fucked up you crazy shit ?
Well, um.
I don't know, um... it's not easy.
Being a girl, you know we have a lot of... issues.
Fuck that bullshit !
Okay.
You know all enough and that's the deal it's on the table, are you heavy enough to handle it ?
Do I look like I'm heavy enough ?
You know this bitch what the fuck light me on fire ?
What did you do ?
I ain't do nothing !
I fucked her sister.
She only tried to... to let you how hurt she was.
Hey I got hurt too !
Skanky fuck her sister gave me crabs.
That must be uncomfortable.
It's like a motherfucker !
Lil' help !
So how much ?
Why so cheap ?
We like you.
Are you in ?
Yeah I'll take it.
Get the cash, I'll call you with an address.
The deal go down tomorrow afternoon.
What the fuck is that ?
Dap ?
It's what my son's taught me.
Say Dap again.
Dap
That fuckin' tinkles me.
Yeah me too, man !
Shut the fuck up, Marvin !
The motherfuckin' laid nigga.
It's a pleasure doin' business with you.
Hey !
Won't you take your shirt off ? Come ball with us.
It's tempting.
I wouldn't want Marvin's girlfriend to get the wrong idea though.
Damn, Conrad ain't tapping in that pussy that's one dumb nigger.
38 fucking pounds of MILF tomorrow afternoon.
Now where you (put) to get that kind of money by tomorrow ?
Nigga we got guns !
They ain't got no army fuck you XXXX
God !
I feel
so liberated !
Did Dean freak out ?
He was just
sad.
Poor schmuck.
How did Dana take it ?
She would have been devastated.
"Would have been" ?
I was going to.
Yes.
I remember the plan.
But I, I just, I couldn't.
But hey, wait you know, we can still see each other !
I mean the sex is fantastic.
And look at the bright side, one of us doesn't have to go sneaking around anymore !
Lucky you !
You didn't do it ?
You're mad, aren't you ?
You didn't do it !
Oh you are mad !
Why the fuck didn't you do it ?
Because you're a fucking spineless motherfucker !
That's why !
Okay okay, you know Dean used to talk about the terrible things you've say to him.
The horrible way you treat him.
Dana won't fuck me but she's a sweet heart, it's nice to live with sweet.
You're not sweet.
I think this is a non-smoking room.
Actually I don't think it's smoking in any hotel room in the state of California.
Okay now that's exactly what I was talking about.
Yeah
It's me.
Tomorrow, 3 o'clock, at the Grow House.
Just you, and me, and your friend, right ?
You and me and the money.
Oh I want you to bring your friend along to.
Why ?
It just wouldn't be fun without him.
I'll see you tomorrow sweat heart.
You need to get out of here before tomorrow.
Oh fuck !
It's Shane's graduation, I can't do this !
You're gonna re-schedule with U-Turn ?
Worst
Mother
Ever.
Go to your boy's graduation.
I will make this shit happen.
No, you need to get on a bus and go now.
You need to take that duffle bag and
I'm stayin' !
Think about re-locating yourself.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh stop being such a drama-queen !
You know you're not going anywhere.
What about yesterday ?
I didn't mean it.
So you didn't have an affair ?
No, I did. We did.
But it's over.
I'm over it.
Well maybe I'm not.
Oh stop, you're totally over-reacting.
You know that you're not going anywhere.
That's right, I'm not.
You are.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
Your bags are packed.
You are no longer welcomed in my house.
I'm done.
Dean !
Done. Finished.
Good bye !
I'm not going anywhere !
Use your car key.
I suggest you hire a lawyer.
I've been thinking it might be a good idea to ...
live ...
somewhere else !
For a while.
You know,
get a fresh start.
Flee.
Relocate.
Okay ?
What does
everyone think about that ?
I'm up for it !
Andy get rid of her.
I'm a part of this family.
Just because you are crazy and we're crazy does not mean we're related.
I'm gonna grow on you, you'll see.
Wait in the van.
This isn't about Abumchuck ?
Actually no.
Who are we fleeing from, then ?
It's not Abumchuck.
About Abumchuck,
he's not really my boyfriend.
Please don't make me guess.
Don't worry he's ...
just this bounty hunter.
I did something illegal.
Can Kat come with us ?
No !
So why we gotta blow town ?
You're now not cool with what you're doing anymore ?
I'm just thinking we should explore the notion of perhaps living somewhere else.
Costa Rica.
You are a drug dealer.
Yes Shane.
I grow and sell Marijuana.
It's organic.
It's therapeutic.
It's of the earth.
Like...
tomatoes !
Yeah, like tomatoes.
Fuck this.
You go in your room and lock the door one more time...
Not a good time to leave big guy.
Fucking XXX with him ?
Am I still gonna have my graduation party tomorrow ?
Yeah !
Might have to double as a going-away party.
What she gonna do ?
I'm as curious as you are.
Silas.
Unlock this door !
RRRRR DRUGS ARE WROOOOOOOOOONG !!!
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