I mean ruIes are like arbitrary, you know
Made up for peopIe who beIieve in fairy taIes like you know like Santa CIaus
Hey, but not us, right? I mean, we know what's important
There's a War going on man... A War...
Ain't that a bitch?
I just graduated today, man
With honors
Got my degree in pharmacoIogy
I'm Iicensed
Look, if you write me up on this drug charge I won't be abIe to practice...
So what we're talking about here is my Iife... The rest of it
The 60's are over. Man
Jody and Nick, you have come together in this church
so that the Lord may seaI and strengthen your Iove
in the presence of the church's... He has aIready...
I now pronounce you man and wife
Aren't you supposed to be in court?
Case adjourned
They just seemed to run fresh out of witnesses!
Frees up the Lizard for his other business
One hundred Iarge has been deducted from your account, as promised
Can the Lizard suggest how she can work off the rest of her debt?
The Lizard may not
Go! BeIieve me you'II thank me Iater. Let's go
No more free meaIs, let's go
Christ! It's like a reptiIe house in here
Fuck off!
The Mix-Master
To our star chemist gentIemen, Elmo McEIroy
Where's Durant?
I see five. I don't see the Brit
- Where the fuck is he at? - He said he'd be here
Limey faggot needs a Iesson in manners!
Fuck Durant Just tell us about this new wonder drug
- Get your master chemist in here - Okay
Konokko, fetch him Fetch The Lizard's Elmo
No Durant. No McEIroy
Maybe he went out for something
Nobody goes out for something on deal day!!
Now stop your whining get up off your ass and go find him, now!
Just give me a moment
This is Elmo McEIroy's phone He's not home
You know what to do You know when to do it. Bye
Tasty Drops???!!!!
He fucked me. I am truIy ass invaded
You have one new message
He fucked me. I am truIy ass invaded
Rest in peace
Motherfucker!
- You're going home, Dakota - I'm going to Vegas
You listen to me
There's this Iimey asshole in Liverpool named Durant
He was supposed to show up for this little deal we had going on today
He didn't show up The Iizard thinks he stoIe his Elmo
I'm not going back there I don't care how much money I owe you
You listen to me, Dakota
I want this Limey motherfucker Durant off the fucking planet
I want fucking Elmo fucking McEIroy off the fucking planet!
Did you hear what I just said? That pIace has nothing to offer me
The Lizard will wipe your marker cIean
PIus a bonus
One hundred thousand if the job is done in 48 hours
And after that, there is nothing to stop you from turning right around
and Ieaving again
Two fifty
- Get it done - It's done
Shit!
Can I show you to your seat, sir?
Spit it out! Spit it out now!
Tommy?
What...?
What?
Fucking Yanks!
The troubIe with the fucking Yanks is they have no fucking sense
I had some dick in Los AngeIes actually ask me where I Iearned EngIish
EngIish, fuck!
Do you have a probIem with America, Felix?
I've got one great big, fat, swoIIen fucker of a probIem with America twat
Listen to this... I'm in fuckin' FIorida, right
this southern prat comes up and he's like...
Hey! EngIand's small. You must know that John Fuckin' Smith guy, right?!
Fuckin' Smith. I'm like oh yeah, yeah mate, that's right. John Smith, yeah
I do know him, but he doesn't come from EngIand, mate no, he comes from fuckin'
PricksviIIe, USA!
You gonna answer that fucking phone or what?
It's just my wife
Now, when Mr. McEIroy joins us, I'd be pIeased if you kept your opinions to yourseIf
This particuIar yank is not a traveIing saIesman, he's a genius
Who is this cunt?
So I said to Mr. Durant
I said Mr. Durant. we're going to meet this fuckin' Yank, McEIroy
Bring him to the deal and that's it
None of this fuckin' conversation and coffee boIIocks None of this
askin' 'im how the Tampa Bay fuckin' A's are getting on No, I said. Fuck him
I bring him to the deal. I get me fuckin' tickets. And I'm off. That's it
- Take a left up here - There's no time for this!
Take a fuckin' left, will ya?
Felix! Felix! Listen... This is a totally new chemicaI
Once we have the formula we can make this stuff in a kitchen...
we don't even need Durant...
Look!
you see that? Manchester United versus Liverpool. And that's tomorrow
BIokes are shagging their fuckin' mother-in-Iaws to get a ticket for that
And I'm getting two from Mr. Durant
So unIess you can shit us out a coupIe of tickets on the spot
I suggest you shut the fuck up!
...but this is a unique window of opportunity for you
- We are talking teIephone numbers - Enough. Take care of him
He's getting on me fuckin' tits
- We're gonna be Iate boss... - Fuck the Yank. Let him wait
When you waIk through a storm
Hold your head up high
Boys and girIs of Manchester!
Just popped over from...
Liverpool!
to invite you to a little game of footy tomorrow afternoon
But I'm fucking fucked if you pricks are going to win it!
- Someone get that fucking thing out! - Hey! Get off the bIoody green!
Where the fuck have you been?
- Just around the bIock - Drive, quick
Let's go meet the Yankee muppet
Where's Lawrence? Where's he gone? We're Iate!
- Well he's... - You left him at the pub, twat!
- Well you said... - Go back
Go back and get him
clear out, prick
Lawrence says...
He's gonna be carrying a Ioad of drugs, right
We do him. Job Done. Okay?
I'm not havin' some fuckin' nig-nog put us out of business, right?
Watch it you're pissin' on me fuckin' boots
- What about Felix DeSouza? - Fuck him
- He's a rabid dog - Is he?
Well fuck him! Fuck him. Leave it to me
I'II rip out his fuckin' Iiver One shot. Vavoom
No probIem
No ProbIem
Hey! Felix DeSouza Just the wanker I wanted to deal with
deal with this
What a fucking day
Arthur! Come in, Arthur! Over!
Why don't you try the big fat button, Arthur!
Yes, sir
Now we are looking for a Iarge bIack gentIeman wearing a dress
that's what Lawrence said It shouId be easy. Over
Yeah. And we want customs to puII him over, right?
Wrong. We want customs to Iet him through and you foIIow him. Over
- You nog bag - Right, over
What now?
FoIIow them all. Over
- Madam, if you don't mind... - No, I've got to go
Can you come this way?
Are we finished?
Not quite, Miss I need to look at your shouIder bag
Welcome to EngIand...
Actually that makes me out to be a bit of a Iiar coz let's face it, pal
you're about as Welcome as a dose of the cIap but it's always nice to be nice
Who the hell are you?
Felix DeSouza Mister Durant sent me
I asked for a chemist Where's Lawrence
- He's in the car - Well he shouId be here
I shouId give a shit To me you're just a ticket to the game
Where's the chemist?
Where's Lawrence?
You heard the man Where's Lawrence?
Put these in the trunk Get Durant on the phone
Put these fuckin' sticks in the boot
- What' that? - Lawrence
I can see it's fuckin' Lawrence What happened?
You told me to take care of him
Oh shit! I meant to take care of him not fuckin' take care of him
Shut the fuckin' thing, will you?
Get Durant on the fucking phone right fucking now!
Where's my motherfuckin' chemist?
Lawrence? He shouId be in the car
ShouId be? What kind of fuck up is this, Durant?
Look, we deal today or I go to the competition
- Look, Iet me speak to DeSouza - DeSouza? DeSouza?
Look, boss. It wasn't my fault Besides, he was fuckin' irritating
Right now I couldn't give a gnat's chuff, you twat
You just make sure McEIroy gets here... Where's my fucking chemist?
I think we need a new chemist, Mr. Durant
I know I can fuckin' hear him, can I?
tell him I'm going to get hold of a Pudsey Smith, okay
I am not buyin' aspirin for a fuckin' arm and a Ieg
He's gettin' Pudsey Smith for you
- Who? - He's deaf mute
Stall him. You keep that Yankee cunt happy and allve
AIright boss. Yeah
You fucking twat!
What's the pIan then?
Freshen up?
Massage? Maybe you fancy a bucket of fried fucking chicken
Look, if I wanted cuisine I'd have gone to Paris, aIright
You can Still go to France mate It's not too far. It's full of pricks
And they hate fucking Yanks as Well Do you fancy a bite or what?
Yeah, aIright
hello stranger
Said hello to Ioverboy yet?
Iki, I'm in a hurry Can we get on with it?
Ruger mini 14. 223 callber
Comes in a fetchin' chrome
20 rounds per banana
unIess the eIite and snazzy 'Iki speciaI' takes your fancy extending your capacity to 40
- We've got a CzechosIovakian... - CZ83. I'II take one
Well that's young Felix's weapon of choice, ain't it
Now there's a trip down memory Iane
I'm partiaI to a bit of sentiment, me I've heard things, y'know
He misses you So what you going to take?
I'II take the Baretta the CZ and ankIe hoIster
Add the mini 14 and I'm done I want to get in and out fast
Don't we all
Does Durant Still do his deals at the Port HoteI?
SiIIy Iad. You know that'II be his undoing one of these days
But what do you expect from a feIIow who gets his ass waxed every month
I forgot what a circus this pIace is
Funny that
I never did much like the circusa all that pokin' yer head in a Iion's mouth shite
Bring on the horses! Get 'em rogerin' the dancing girls!
That's a circus!
These and these are on the house
Welcome home, Dawn
- There you go, mate - Thanks
What the fuck did they do to this fish? Batter it to death?
Fish and Chips NationaI dish mate
More like a nationaI disaster
Keys
Twat
Come on
So, how much are they paying you to wear that skirt?
Fag?
No... Motherfucker
Ah, Mister McEIroy
That's daring but very dashing attire...
Let's stick to the business at hand
Hey, come on Mister McEIroy's a guest of the house
Okay boys guns on the tabIe, pIease
Felix
Look, I've deIivered your man I'II have me tickets and I'II be off
- Okay. Put your gun on the tabIe - Fuck, the game's tomorrow
Put your fucking gun on the tabIe you Gobshite
Fuck!
So, who's the chemist?
This is Pudsey Smith he's a first cIass man. fully quallfied and everything
He can't taIk, he's been shot
Felix? Have you shit your pants or something?
Something doesn't feeI right Mister Durant
I know, because you're making me nervous for fuck's sake
Sit on your hands or something!
Okay Mr. McEIroy The ball's in your court
MDMA utiIizes serotonin
Opiates, like heroin, utiIize dopamine
sort of like the same sensation you get after sex
Amphetamines increase adrenallne
And cocaine gets those synapses in the brain firing really fast
My product is fifty-one times stronger than cocaine
fifty-one times more hallucinogenic than acid
and fifty-one times more expIosive than ecstacy
It's like getting a personaI visit...
from God
It's that good?
Dog's boIIocks
Felix DeSouza
I count ten
That's right. That's one million sterIing Or one point six million dollars
But that ain't what we agreed on, is it
You're eighteen point four million dollars shy
and I don't care how you cut it, that's a whole Iot shy
No. Mr. McEIroy, what we have there is a good will gesture A deposit. A down-payment
One and a haIf million's not a bad start, is it?
I need to do some research, I need to feed a few thousand to the kids get some feedback
You don't think I'm going to allow you to waIk out of here with twenty million doIIar
for a formula that onIy exists in your head?
And all I get is, Well an ointment for toe jam?
- Market research - Right
ProfiIe your customers Send out some questionnaires
Get out of the bIoody way, Felix
I can dig that
But unIess you got what we agreed on what the fuck am I doing here?
Give me a call when you're ready to deal
I fucking knew it!
Room service!
That old fucking chestnut!
Hey hold it feIIers It's my sausage and fIamin' mash!
Sorry Luv. Sorry about that, pet
But my dad's run off with a room service maid, you see and
things have never been the same since
BoIIocks
Now's not a good time
- Change in pIan - What do you mean?!
I want McEIroy kept allve
I don't do allve. I do dead
It's a matter of 20 million dollars in cash being vaporized
and it's a matter of a Iotta anger bein' directed toward the Lizard Man
You now do allve!
My future is inside McEIroy's skuII
You waste anything and everybody that gets near him
You waste them, not him
His mind beIongs to The Lizard
Shit!
Fucking hell!
Asshole!
Let go you doubIe crosser! Let go, they're mine!
Oh shit!
I told you to get out of the way Felix
- Fuck, I've been shot! - Where?
In the fucking ass!
Man, it's just a fIesh wound, come on!
FIesh wound?! Is that supposed to sound like a fuckin' good thing?!
Come on, dude
Eh! Sooty! Sooty!
Here, take these!
- Arrgh! Ow! Fuck! - I'm fucking game, boys. Come on!
- Stay down, bitch - Oi, you're not driving my car!
Shit! Give me the fucking keys. Get in the car!
Fuck!
Fucking hell!
AIright, get your big fat ass out of the fIaming car and go and check the hoteI
So put me in the picture here what the fuck just happened back there?
I just got shot in the fucking ass mate, that's what happened
This is not the way we do fucking business!!!
- Just get out of the fucking car! - AIright. AIright
Oh fuck!
What the fuck are you doing?
Left! Take a fuckin' left
Get off the pavement! Watch out!
Fuck!
- Which fucking way? - Turn right! Right!
Come on! Ow! Christ!
Hey
No, no, no...!! The traffic's coming from the fucking right!
I got it. I got it
Fuck!
You! Out of my fucking way!
- Oh boIIocks! - The dog's boIIocks?
No, just pIain fucking boIIocks
- No dogs invoIved?! - No!
Watch out! Watch out!
You're going to kiII the fucking car
Fuck
Oh! Fuck!
allo
So Iet me get this straight
BoIIocks is bad whereas the dog's boIIocks is good, huh?
Yeah
Oh boIIocks!
Gotcha
Come on then
Come on!
- Stop! - Fucking Yanks...
Come on!
Oh fucking hell!
You're scraping me fucking palntwork
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit
- Fuck you Kane, you Shiterag - Fuck off!
Oh, you little fuck!
Chicken boIIocks
Shit!
Fuck you, Kane, you fucking wanker
Come here, you!
Fuck off!
We Iost them
Yeah, Well let's not take any chances
Oh shit!
- You wanting to junk that, pal? - Do what?!
Dude, you have a car that works? I need transportation
I got a nice little Cooper that needs a Iick of palnt, but she goes...
Throw in the XJ6 and she's yours for a hundred quid
deal
What?! A Cooper?! Piss off Popeye! And you
tell you what. 70 quid and the Jag And I'm robbing meseIf
That's it. That's it! I've had just about enough of this shite
I got you to that deal in one piece I got you outta that deal in one piece
As far as I'm concerned my job's done. It's finished
So you can Ieave me motor aIone Get your goIf cIubs
And fuck off back to Dixie
Pay attention Felix DeSouza
I atomized a major drug syndicate to be here this morning
And now I'm stuck in Liver-fucking-fooI with you!
And if I need you to your car to heIp me you will sell your goddamn car!
Do I look like the SaIvation Army?
Have I got 'Jim'II fix it' written on me fuckin' hat?
I'm sorry, mate, but heIp's not a word I'm too famiIiar with, you know
Fuck off!
I don't beIieve it
So who's the girI?
She's me ex-girIfriend
- Arthur? - Yeah?
I want you to describe the situation to me
Seven shades of shit in a one shit trumpet, sir
It looks like some kind of a drug buy, but none of your ordinary
Aye aye... got some bIue tabs They look like sweets
- How are you? - What do you mean how am I?
I nearly cut my fucking ear off And I think I've hurt my knee
Now, I want you to get the piIIs and take them straight down to the Iab, doubIe time
You got that? And then you call me. Now what eIse you got?
Six dead bodies and one Iive one Chief, it's Leopold Durant
Durant? Right, now concentrate Arthur
get that fat fuck down here pronto!
But sir, he's dying
Then you'd better be fucking quick about it, hadn't you?
...she dumped me
Two years ago now
Changed her name from "Dawn" to "Dakota"
fucked off for Las Vegas and a deck of cards
Who hired her to take me out? You're asking the wrong question, mate
She's your guardian angeI
If she wanted you dead you'd be dead
She never misses I mean fucking look at that
If she really wanted to hit me
I'd be shittin' through a tube the rest of me Iife
Someone wants you kept allve
Somebody's trying to cut in on Durant's deal
They're shitting again
- Yeah, Well shit happens - No. Shit don'tjust happen
Shit takes time Shit takes effort
Twenty million dollars worth of effort
I got to get a new deal on Fast! You know the town
- and you know the players - Look
all I want is a ticket for the game
Do you think you can swing that?
Hey, twenty million dollars can swing anything. You know what I'm selling
How much?
Five percent of whatever I get out of any deal you set up. It's a million dollars
hell, you can buy your own goddamned stadium with that
- The game's tomorrow - You better get started then
Oh, and Felix, a word of advice
You ever want to get the girI... you got to broaden your horizons
What the fuck is that?
What is it, eh? What, Scotch mist?
You are getting greedy, Leopold
There's a big deal going down
and you are trying to cut me out of the fucking Ioop!
Hey sod! I told you face the fucking front!
Now this is going to cost you an additionaI fifteen percent
No? Right then, thirty...
as you're being so difficuIt, how about this Fifty-fifty Why settIe for anything Iess, eh?
Sixty... forty
Leopold, I don't know if you've noticed, my son, but...
you're in urgent need of a fucking doctor
Fifty-fifty
Good boy
AIright then Arthur Take him down
Fuck!
You really have exceIIed yourseIf this time, haven't you, Arthur?
Brilliant! Fucking Brilliant!