The French have said au revoir to the franc.
The Germans have said auf Wiedersehen to the Deutschmark.
And the Portuguese have said...
whatever to their thing.
- Go. - Now it's our turn to say goodbye to sterling.
This Christmas, we are going to get the euro.
Goodbye, old pound. Everyone says we're going to miss you.
Come on. Faster. Faster.
Faster.
- I can't see you. Where are you? - I'm over here.
This is the main drag along here. That's Portland.
Bisecting that at right angles, is Lundy, on that side.
On this side, there's Fastnet.
- What's yours? - Cromarty.
Cromarty and German Bight. Cul-de-sacs. Over here.
Come on, useless. Come on.
Come on, Damian. Keep up.
Faster. Train. Train.
Keep pedalling. Come on. Come on.
Faster.
Beat ya.
- He's gonna call it "Serendipity". - What does that mean?
- I don't know. Anyway, it's number 20. - upstairs.
- This is my room. - And mine.
Get your own room.
Look at that.
The patron saint of house removals is Saint Anne.
- Did you know that? - No, I didn't know that.
Yeah. She lived in the desert, obviously,
and when she wanted to move house, angels came,
- picked up her house, and took it to Italy. - Handy.
- She was Our Lady's mother. - What you on about?
- Saint Anne. I've got a picture. - I don't care. Just get in the car. We're going.
Go on. Get in the car.
- Was she in it at the time? - Who?
Saint Anne. When the angels did the, you know, the airlift.
I don't know.
Anthony, I can see your leg sticking out.
You look like a little angel.
Start with the money. That's what our Anthony says.
That's what people want to know about.
Like if you're moving house, you don't say:
"We're moving house. The new one's got a green door".
You say how much you're paying, how much you got for the old one.
Mortgage, interest rates, stamp duty.
Solicitor's fees, how much you'll get if the new one goes up in value.
That's called "equity".
Personally, I think "So what?"
Money's just a thing, and things change.
One minute something's there, you can cuddle up to it,
the next minute, it's gone. Like a Malteser.
That goes in the kitchen. Is this fantastic or what?
Surprisingly spacious, with attractive views.
And anyway, in the end, it turns out it wasn't about the money, after all.
Good lad. That's it, lads. The main bedroom.
Any of us know where the phone points are?
Where do I plug this in? Right. Yeah.
That looks good, that does.
Right.
This is what we're having tonight. Before Countdown, put the oven on.
After Countdown, put them in there with some oven chips.
- It's for Mum. - The time is on here, yeah?
That's how long they stay in. By the time they're ready, I'll be back.
She may already have won £10,000.
Her name has been entered in a draw.
- All she has to do is... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
Hands.
Other side.
Let's go. Come on.
That's you. Get your bags. And your book bag, Damian.
Keys.
Good. Yeah.
It's no good being clever. You've got to be the cleverest.
- See you, Dad. - Good luck, lads.
- Are you nervous? - A bit.
So, everybody sitting up nicely?
Excellent. We're talking today about people we admire.
- Dominic. - Roy Keane, sir, Manchester united.
Very good. What about you, Barry?
- Van Nistelrooy, sir. - Any heroes who don't play for united? Jack.
Robbie Fowler, sir, City.
- All right, that's enough. Tricia. - I don't know any footballers, sir.
It doesn't have to be a footballer. It could be anyone.
- Don't know, sir. - No? Damian.
- Saint Roch, sir. - Who does he play for?
- No one, sir. He's a saint. - That's better. Go on.
He was so worried he might say something bad,
that he said nothing at all for 20 years.
We could do with a couple like him in this class.
- Thank you. - I like a lot of virgin martyrs.
Like Saint Agatha. She ripped her own eyes out so she wouldn't have to marry this man.
Or Saint Catherine of Alexandria. They tried to kill her by crushing her to death on a wheel,
but she made the wheel explode, and all the splinters killed people in the crowd.
Patron saint of fireworks. That's where we get the Catherine wheel.
I did say thank you, Damian.
Right. I brought in this picture. This is a hero of mine.
- Who knows who this is? - Nelson Mandela.
Fantastic. Nelson Mandela.
You should be careful what you talk about. Try talking about football or something.
Keep off the weird stuff.
Just don't be conspicuous, or you won't fit in.
"Double double ice, ice, double double cream, cream. "
"Double ice, double cream, double double ice cream. "
"Double double... "
Aero and a Yorkie, please. And five Juicy Lips.
- Haven't seen you two here before. - We just moved here.
Our mam's dead.
Yeah, well, go on. You're all right.
- Thanks. - God bless.
Works every time. Tell them your mam's dead, and they give you stuff. Every time.
I'm your community policeman.
Obviously, there is no community here as yet, not to speak of, but, you know.
Anyway, the first thing to say is, these new houses and Christmas coming up,
statistically, you're going to get burgled.
Now, not all of you, but some of you. Soon.
Probably this week. Next.
When you are, call me.
I'll give you a crime number,
and then you can make a claim on your insurance.
- Building maintenance. - Yeah, that's right.
I'm usually right. It's a knack.
Do you mind me asking? Is the kettle actually on? I'm...
- Sorry. - Yes.
Isn't the problem here that our houses are built on sand?
Sand? No. They're not, are they?
If you store up your treasure on Earth, it will be stolen.
But if you give it away, then it can't be stolen.
- Mormons? - Well, Latter-day Saints.
- Saints? I know all about them. - Damian, go and give Terry a hand.
You too, Anthony. Off you go. Good lads.
Some of you are going to be burgled.
There are things I can tell you that will lower the odds of it being you.
It's a bit antisocial, because if it isn't you, it'll be next door, but there you go.
Our mam's dead.
Here.
Come on, help yourself.
Take as many as you like, son.
Result.
Is it completely honest?
She's completely dead, isn't she?
What?
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy? Just go away.
I don't like having my own room.
Clare of Assisi, 1194 till 1253?
That's right.
I used to have a hermitage myself, once.
I used to go and hide up there.
If anyone needed me, I'd send them a vision. Sort 'em out.
That's why I'm the patron saint of television. I was like human television.
You're the patron saint of television?
Keeps me busy, you know.
- Are you allowed to smoke, then? - You can do what you like up there, son.
It's down here you have to make the effort.
Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?
She hasn't been there long.
Don't ring a bell.
Then again, it is infinite up there.
Absolutely bloody infinite.
Listen.
Dad.
What is it, anyway? What are you doing with all these boxes?
- What's that? - Wait and see.
- Where did you get that? - You can see it too, then?
Well, you know, sometimes you see things, don't you?
And other people can't see them.
- What? - You know, sometimes.
But this is real, though.
This is real. This is real.
- I can't wait to tell Dad. - You can't tell anyone about this.
- Why not? - Tax.
If the government finds out about this, they'll take 40 per cent of it away. 40 per cent.
Do you know how much that is?
Nearly all of it.
Shall we count it before we go?
No, we can't. We're really late.
- How much? - Thousands.
- 10,000. - 50,000.
- 70. - 200,000.
Millions, even.
Cash Jenga.
Oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink.
- Promise not to tell anyone. - What is it?
- How much is it? - Thousands.
Hundreds. It's just hundreds.
No one else knows. So if anyone finds out, we'll know it's you, OK?
Come on.
If anyone finds out, we'll know it's you.
No one else knows. Just me and you.
- Here you are. - Thanks.
Yeah, just keep it shut.
£229,520
minus a hundred quid each spending money
leaves 229,320 quid.
- We'll give that to the poor. - Where will you find poor people?
- There's loads. - Not round here.
The house prices keep 'em out.
Go on, go. Go.
Go. Go. Go on, go, go.
Go on, go, go, go.
Go on.
Francis of Assisi, 1181 till 1226.
- You did this, didn't you? - My first act as a saint.
What was your next one?
- Washing a leper. - A leper?
You could just help the poor, Damian.
Big Issue. Help the homeless. Big Issue, anyone?
- Hello. - Keep the change.
Thanks, mate. I've had nothing to eat all day.
- We're going to Pizza Hut. Want to come? - No. No, she doesn't.
She wants more money. We haven't got any more.
No, I fancy pizza, actually. Can I bring my friend?
- Meat Feast deep stuffed crust. - Two Meat Feasts.
- New Yorker. - Combo Platter.
- Farmhouse. - We'll all have garlic bread.
And Dippin' Chicken. To share.
This is great. Anthony thought there were no poor people round here.
We're not from round here. I come in on the bus.
- I come on the train. - Can't afford to live here.
- Who exactly is paying for all this? - We are.
- You must be minted. - We are.
No. No, we're not. It's birthday money, his birthday money. He saved it.
- Puddings? - Yes.
No.
168 quid. Do you know how many times we'd have to visit Pizza Hut to spend the money?
1303.517 times.
It's just not practical. We should buy property.
See this house? We could buy two like that, if they knocked some off the asking price.
If we did buy property, that'll go up in value so we'd have even more money. Damian?
Excuse me. Are you poor?
- Beg your pardon? - Are you poor?
- Are you asking for money? - Me? No.
Because we don't have any. We live in a community, you know. It's very basic.
We don't have a dishwasher, for instance. Or a microwave.
- And there's no cash kept on the premises. - So you are poor.
- In a sense, yes. - Brilliant.
Saint Nicholas of Myra?
It won't all fit.
Saint Nicholas, do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?
Saint Maureen. She's new.
Skincare. She worked on the makeup counter at Selfridges.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la
Less than a fortnight to E day.
That's when Britain completes transition to the European Monetary union, the EMu.
With 12 days left to E day, my true love said to me:
The transitional exchange rate is fixed at 67p.
Well, all I can say is "Ding dong".
After E day, your old money will no longer be legal tender.
It's pounds goodbye, euros...
Hello.
We don't have to queue up.
Here we go.
- How much have you actually got? - Plenty.
Anthony Cunningham.
- Where's your dad? - My dad? He's not coming.
Not yet. He said to start without him.
Without him? The job is to show him round the apartment.
How can I do that if he isn't here?
He gave me this. Show me around, and I'll fill him in afterwards. It's what we usually do.
This is for our investment portfolio, not a residence.
- Has it kept its value? - It's gone up 20 per cent in two years.
It's the schools. He does send you to school, doesn't he?
Or do you just look at photos of 'em?
Floodlights, scoreboard, stadium.
It's the dog's bollocks, this family heirloom.
- 50 quid. - 50 quid?
I could buy a proper football team for that. I could buy Crewe Alexander.
Yeah, but this has got managers.
- Don Revie and Malcolm Allinson. - Never heard of 'em. Deal.
- You said you would for five quid. - I didn't know you'd get five quid.
Ten quid, then.
Look, I've got a good body.
- 20 quid. Last offer. - Never.
Martyrs of uganda, 1881?
That's right.
Sorry about that.
I was beheaded, see?
Before that, I was in construction.
I don't know who built this, but they were a right cowboy.
I built it myself.
Well, we'll see what we can do, but I can't promise anything.
- Why not? There's plenty of you. - Yes.
Come on. Welcome.
Hello.
What are they singing?
They are praying for rain.
Where I come from,
people have to pay a tenth of their daily income on water.
It's so expensive that they can't afford to wash their hands.
So they get disease.
You don't need fancy hospitals or medicines to make life better, just a well.
And you can build a well for as little as £100.
That's fantastic. Thanks.
I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.
Mutual, that, then.
This yours?
Nice.
Near the railway.
- What's in there? - Nothing, really.
- What's this? - A dress. It was my mum's.
What are you looking for?
Money.
- Are you poor? - What?
Damian, come in. Anthony to Damian.
- What's that? - My brother. I've got to go.
- I've got loads. Wait. - It's your turn to set the table.
- Loads of what? - Money. Just wait there.
- Who's that? - A poor person. You said there weren't any.
- I know. But who is he? - I don't know. Just someone.
What do you mean, "someone"? Did he do anything to you?
What sort of things?
Never mind. Look, people are weird.
You've got to be more careful. You shouldn't really talk to them.
- I've told him now. - Told him what?
That we have tons of money.
He's poor.
What?
Nothing, nothing. Leave it to me.
- Where is he, then? - He was here a minute ago.
See? Loads of money.
We've been saving it up for ages.
You can have it if you need it.
Come on, Damian.
You'll have to change it quickly.
Do you think that was enough?
More than enough. That's him completely sorted out.
Right. Have you given money to anyone else?
Not really.
What?
It wasn't that much. Just, like, a bagful.
- What's that? - Scuba Scooter.
Goes at ten mile an hour for up to five hours. We could have one of them.
We could have one each. We could have a whole fleet.
- She's nice. - I've seen better. Close the door.
Look, you can see it protruding.
- What is it? - It's a nipple.
What's it for?
- Well, it's for feeding babies. - Did Mum have one?
- Two. They've all got two. - And did she feed us with them?
Yeah, of course she did. I remember.
You can't remember when you were a baby.
I don't remember her doing it to me. I remember her doing it to you.
Anthony.
- What? - I thought you'd done the washing up.
- I did it. - Do you call that ajob?
- What's your name? - Keegan.
All right, K. What's happened to your finger?
That's quality. Pure scary. Pure scary.
Hey, give me your money. Come on. Empty your pockets.
Hey, you. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Give me all your money. Come on. Every copper.
Who feels sorry for poor children?
Correct answer.
Everybody sitting up nicely?
OK. So, as you know, we're going to have new money in the New Year.
Does anybody know how much a euro is worth in pounds?
- Yes. - 67p.
Spot on. Here, it's a little prize for you. It's your own euro converter.
Now, who else wants one? Anybody?
Everybody. OK. So, who can tell me how much two pence is worth in euros?
Well, I'll tell you. It's worth not very much.
Almost nothing. To you.
But if we all put our two pences together, then we'll have a lot of two pences, won't we?
Yes.
How many people are there here?
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven,
- eight... - 250.
- Sorry? - There's 250 in the school.
Clever-clogs headmaster.
OK, 250. So if you each gave me two pence, then I'd have five pounds.
It's not that much here, but in Ethiopia, five pounds could feed a family for a week.
And if you all gave me two two pences, then we'd have a tenner,
and that's enough to provide that village with a source of clean water forever.
It's no good to you, so chuck it in the bin.
Excuse me. Give me all your money. Come on. Every copper.
Get out my way. Hey, you.
Hey, give me your money. Come on. Empty your pockets.
- Hello. What's your name? - Damian.
- Hi, Damian. I'm the bin. - Hello, Bin.
Damian, you'll give me some money, won't you?
Yeah.
What did you do? You did it again, didn't you?
- What? - I saw what you did. How much?
Not much. She's nice. I've been thinking. Why don't we give the money to her?
- So, how did it go? - Well.
A thousand? What did you bring a thousand to school for? Can't you see it's suspicious?
It's not suspicious. It's unusual.
How can it be suspicious? It's our money.
- You lot, outside. - That's enough messing around.
- In Africa you can build a well for £100. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just listen.
It was the most daring, most brilliant,
cleverest and biggest robbery on record, ever.
The train was here.
The train, the one with the money, used notes.
Right, the van comes in onto the platform here.
It's a railway van so no one takes any notice,
until...
They jump out of this van, and someone got hold of the driver.
Some of them start shifting the money.
By this time, rapid response has been mobilised.
Come on, let's go.
Everybody in.
The van drives off with a reckless disregard for life.
Rapid response goes after it. There's armed units, dog handlers, helicopters.
They throw everything at them.
The train stays here. An ambulance takes the driver to hospital. They get another driver.
CID count the bags. There's only one missing.
Then, rapid response corner the van.
This is it.
Trapped, the robbers drop the lot, and they leg it.
- They've got no chance, except... - We're Geordies.
Newcastle united versus Arsenal at Highbury.
One-all. Disappointing result for the Gunners.
Please advise car. I think we've lost them.
They don't catch the men, but that's all right.
Cos when they get back to the van, there's the missing bag.
- How do you know all that? - His uncle works for the police.
The van is gone, the train is in the station, and the cops are in the cop shop making tea.
Where are the robbers?
Where's the last place you're gonna look?
- Our house. - Maybe.
So the train moves off with the new driver, and all the money.
On the train. The money was on the train, and so was the robber.
Lateral thinking.
The money stays on the train, and so does the robber.
He sits tight. Every time the train comes to a slow bend, he chucks a sack of money out.
They've got people waiting all over the country.
It could be Stafford or Crewe.
It could be Preston or Wigan. Runcorn, it could be.
Or it could be here.
Damian. Damian, calm down.
It'll be all right. No one knows it was us.
I don't care. Leave me alone. What did you have to tell me for?
- Because I wanted you to know the truth. - We have to give it back.
No. No, we can't do that.
They were gonna burn it. Now, come on. It isn't the money's fault it got stolen.
- I thought it was from God. - What?
Like, sometimes you tell people about Mam, and they give you money or sweets.
Well, I told God and... Well, who else would have that kind of money?
- Well, in a funny... - God doesn't rob banks, all right?
God does not rob banks.
Office.
Now. Your father's on his way.
Come in.
The Mormons?
You stole money from Mormons?
Would you like to tell us why you did it, Anthony?
Our mam's dead.
Hey, hey. Hey, Anthony. Come here.
Anthony, Damian, come here.
OK.
Team talk.
Your mother.
She would not want you to stand around crying,
or to steal things.
She wants you to get on with your lives, and do the best you can.
Make her proud, son, eh?
And not, you know,
cry.
OK. So let's stop crying, eh? And stealing things. Let's stop that, too.
Get in the car.
Don't ever do that to me again.
Look, I'm really sorry. It was me. I didn't mean to cause any trouble or anything.
No, you did right. They stole it. What could you do?
They did give it to a good cause. I wouldn't have done that at their age.
They must be...
You did a good job.
Thanks.
- Are you from the social? - No.
I'm a visitor. I go round schools collecting for this water thing.
Telling them about the changeover. Making sure the kids understand it.
Does anyone understand it?
Sometimes they're a bit confused, until I talk to them. And then...
They're really confused.
I'm sorry. They're very sorry. I've sent them to bed.
I want you to know that it won't happen again.
Do you mind me asking how you had so much cash in the house?
It was a donation. It was left here anonymously.
- And you weren't suspicious about that? - No.
We pray a lot and we thought it was the answer to our prayers.
Only, it has been mentioned that you spent close to £5,000 in Comet a few days ago.
Digital television,
microwave oven,
dishwasher,
foot spa.
Did you actually pray for all of these things?
We were praying for comfort and encouragement.
I think we felt comforted and encouraged.
By the foot spa?
And the dishwasher.
Samaritans.
Oxfam. Christian Aid.
For Christ's sake, don't tick them little boxes.
The ones about putting you in touch with other organisations. You'll be besieged, man.
- Saint Peter? Died AD 64. - All right, don't remind us.
The money. It's robbed.
I know.
Patron saint of keys, locks, and general security, man.
Including up there. I'm on the door.
Is it still all right? If it's robbed?
Can you still do good with it?
Or should you give it back? I thought it was a miracle, but it's just robbed.
Damian, listen.
One day, I was with you know who - Jesus -
and he went up into the mountains, and thousands of people followed him.
The police said five thousand. Five thousand.
Everybody knows this story. Loaves and fishes.
See, I knew you'd say that. That's what everybody says.
- Is this yours? - It's the key to the old house.
Jointed pin tumbler.
Engineering perfection.
Anyway, this kid comes up to us. About your size.
His name was... No, I've forgotten.
I still see him, sometimes.
Anyway, he comes up with these loaves and fishes. Sardines.
And Jesus blesses them, and passes the plate round.
Now, the first person he passes it to passes it on.
He doesn't take anything, he just passes it on.
Do you know why?
Cos he had a piece of lamb hidden in his pocket.
And as he's passing the fish, he sneaks a bit of meat out,
and pretends he's taking it off the plate. Do you see what I'm saying?
Then the next person - exactly the same story.
Every single bastard one of them has their own food.
And every one of them's keeping it quiet,
looking after number one.
But as that plate went round with the sardines on,
they all got their own food out, and started to share.
That plate went all the way round and back to Jesus,
and it's still got the fish and the loaves on it.
Mind, Jesus was a bit taken aback.
He says, "What happened?" And I just said, "Miracle. "
And at first, I thought I'd fooled him.
But now I see it was a miracle.
One of his best.
But this little kid had stood up, and everybody there just got bigger.
Do you understand what I'm talking about?
Not really.
- I'm talking about you. - Now I'm really lost.
You're trying too hard.
That kid, he wasn't planning on doing a miracle.
He wasn't planning anything, except lunch.
Something that looks like a miracle turns out to be dead simple.
But what am I gonna do with all this?
I just want to be good.
Look, I can't say too much about this because of that whole "free will" thing.
Right?
But...
See this key? Keep it safe.
All right?
And I'll have a word upstairs.
See if I can get somebody on your case, more permanent.
With three days left to E day, my true love said to me:
- Convert your change or donate to charity. - Marvellous.
Three days left to E day.
The money in your bank account has already been converted.
The easiest way to change any cash you have is to pay it into your account.
Sterling becomes euros the moment it's paid in.
If you don't have an account, why not open one today?
- Can I help? - We'd like to open a bank account.
- Is your mum and dad with you? - No.
I need an adult signature. Proof of who you are.
We thought of that. Leisure pass.
You're gonna have to ask your mum to come in.
This isn't enough. Ask your mum to come in.
- We can't. - Why not?
Our mam's dead.
There's two free euros in here.
And you can keep the rest of your money in it.
It's the best I can do.
I told you we should have bought a house. Right.
If we can't hide it, at least we can spend it.
- Hello? - That is quality. That is amazing.
- I can see you. Can you see me? - Yeah.
- Not here. On there. - That as well.
I can see you in mine. This is fantastic.
Why don't we give the money to the lady with the bin?
It's not ours, and we're never going to spend it all. She could do good with it.
We gave her a grand, and look at the trouble it caused.
And if we gave her 200, we'll end up in jail.
We're on our own now, Damian. Don't let me down.
Hello. The speaker went on my bin. Your dad said he'd fix it so I said I'd cook for him.
So you get a decent meal for once.
I'm a fantastic cook. Aren't I a fantastic cook, Damian?
The size of that school bag. You'll give yourselves a hernia. Is that homework?
- No. - Yeah.
Costumes. For the nativity play. I suppose it is homework, really.
I love a nativity play. Can I see them?
- Yeah. - No.
It's private. Private property. Of the school.
- It'll spoil the surprise. - Am I gonna go, too?
- Are you gonna get me some tickets? - I suppose so.
I didn't know they were in it. I get told nothing, you know. Nothing.
- Are you gonna do some chopping? - It's lasagne. Your favourite.
Where was the highwayman, Dick Turpin, hanged in 1739?
- York. - How did you know that?
- It's York. - Glasgow, Carlisle...
He knows everything, your dad. Why don't you go on? You'd be great.
- He'd be great. - Fifty-fifty.
- It's York. - You'd be less frustrated if you went on.
Tell him to go on. You'd like a million pounds, wouldn't you?
It's not a million pounds. It's a million euros.
That's only about £623,100 at today's prices.
- Somebody's been listening. - You've lost 93...
- Told you it was York. - Jim, I'm so sorry. The answer is York.
We're supposed to go to bed when this is finished.
Yeah, all right. Go to bed.
You're supposed to read us a story.
- I'll get off. - I'll see you out.
I'll see you out, too.
- Come again soon. - Sucker for women.
Sucker for men.
- Don't forget, I want to see that nativity play. - Go and get your pyjamas on.
They're good lads. Nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, though.
Yeah.
Thanks. I had a great evening.
I know what she's after. We can't leave it here.
We're gonna have to keep it with us. All the time.
Fill your school bag.
Don't let it out your sight.
Guard it with your life, whatever happens.
- OK? - OK.
Damian.
Have you any room?
- Have you any room? - No, Damian. Damian.
He's tired. He's walked here all the way from Nazareth.
- He's very, very tired. - Well...
- Tired. - People walked from Nazareth all the time.
And he was a carpenter so he was very fit.
He wasn't tired, he was excited. His wife was gonna have a baby.
- They weren't expecting to go to sleep. - OK. You say excited, I say tired.
Let's try "nervous". OK?
Shall we start again?
Joseph the Worker, first century, dates uncertain?
I wouldn't have said nervous.
I would have said focused.
Well, have you any room?
- What did he want to bring her for? - You invited her.
Beginners. Beginner's positions. Damian, come on.
The word went out from Julius Caesar...
Caesar...
Caesar Augustus that everybody had to go to their home town to be taxed.
So Mary and Joseph set out for Bethlehem.
Do you know how much a piece of gold that big would be worth at today's prices?
A lot. An awful lot. I wonder what happened to it.
He was poor after that. I wonder what he spent it on.
Can we please lose the anachronistic bag?
I don't think they had Adidas in the first century.
Far away, to the East, three wise men saw a star.
- Thanks, girls. - Look, a star.
Let's follow it.
- No, Saint Maureen. - I don't think I've heard of her.
Is she a virgin martyr?
I don't think so.
Here he is. And he's always got those bags with him.
Do you remember me?
I'm the poor man.
Damian, what are you doing there? Come on. Where should you be?
You should be in Bethlehem. Come on. I can't believe you got... No, go back. Go back.
As for these. What have I told you about these?
I told you before... Back, back, back. Back on.
They tried first at one inn.
- Do you have any room at this inn? - No, sorry. We're fully booked.
- Do you have any room at this inn? - We haven't any room, but we've got a stable.
So he took them to the stable.
This is nice and cosy, Joseph.
I said, this is nice and cosy, Joseph.
Damian. Damian.
Yes. This is where our Lord, baby Jesus, will be born.
And so our saviour came, bringing peace to all the Earth.
Quick. Come on.
You stay there.
Oh, no. The keys.
Oh, no.
- Damian. What are you doing? - Dad.
Come here. Oh, God. Come here. Come here. It's all right.
Let's get you down. What were you doing?
- Is he all right, Dad? - There we go. Good lad.
- Well, he found it. - It fell out of the sky. Right in front of me.
I thought it was from God.
From God?
It's not really his thing, is it? Handing out cash.
Why would God hand out...
£229,320.
- Blimey. - I was gonna give it to the poor,
but it was really hard.
- Why didn't you tell me? - Anthony said not to because of the tax.
We could keep some of it. Like a reward.
Get in.
- So what are we gonna do with it, then? - We're gonna hand it in. All of it.
What else can we do? It's not ours, is it?
Hello.
I called round. The door was open. I've called the police.
I thought you might have come home.
Everyone gets burgled at Christmas, Dad.
This will be your crime number
so you can get onto your insurance company.
They can't really recompense you. They can't give you your Christmas back, can they?
Probably be next Christmas by the time you get anything back.
I don't suppose you've got any serial numbers,
security codes, anything like that?
No?
Wouldn't make any difference. It's very rare we get anything back.
Very rare.
The stolen currency is around here somewhere.
That's what all this is about. They can't do anything.
All the banks have been warned to look out for anyone making any large deposits.
And, of course, it's only one day or two before they realise that the money is worthless.
- What's that? - It's nothing, it's nothing. It's just my stuff.
Dad, don't.
My God.
This is what they were after.
That's a lot of money. Where did it come from?
They took our Christmas. We'll take their cash.
- You can't keep it. - You're gonna keep it?
- It's the government's. - They were going to burn it.
That's a crime, if you ask me.
- Definitely. - But stealing's wrong.
You have to steal from somebody. Who would we be stealing it from?
- It's not right. - Damian, my house has just been ransacked.
I work every second God sends just to cover the mortgage to give you a decent home.
And now it's been wrecked.
I am owed this.
- But... - Go to bed.
Now.
- Do you want a story? - It's wrong.
- Who says? - God.
Yeah, well.
"Yeah, well" what?
- Don't you want to go to heaven? - Look around you.
We're on our own. No one is smiling down on us, Damian.
No one is looking out for us. So we're looking out for ourselves.
- But Mam... - Is dead.
She's dead, Damian.
You'll never see her again.
And neither will I.
And the money is ours.
We'll take it to town tomorrow and change it, and spend it. Do you hear me?
All of it. Because it's ours.
I know you've got it.
It's mine.
And you're going to change it tomorrow.
That's a good thing.
OK.
When you come back,
I'm going to call you on this phone.
Open the front door, and let me in.
Then we'll take the money.
And you won't have to worry about it any more.
understand?
You make sure your phone's switched on.
You take one side, we take the other, then swap.
Change what you can. What you can't change, spend.
Have a ball.
You do realise you just kissed goodbye to the money?
- Come on, let's get cracking. - She's gonna run off with it.
- How can she? She's got Damian. - She'll hold him to ransom for the rest of it.
No, Anthony, that's what you'd do. Come on.
OK. You wait here, all right?
It's mine.
- We'll have to change more than this. - No.
That's the whole point. Do it in small amounts, and no one will be suspicious.
We'll be lucky to get round three banks, at this rate.
- You'll be lucky to stay out ofjail. Go on. - What?
- It's quite a lot in the circumstances. - It's 5,000 quid.
It's the front half of a FordFiesta. Is this a bank or a sweet shop?
- What? - I need a wee.
- Tell her that. Can I use your loo? - I'm not sure...
I'm not queuing up again. Poor kid's been here half an hour.
You must have a loo. What do you do when you need to go?
OK. Just this once.
- You'll have to go here. - I don't really need one.
You little belter.
- I just can't see why it's so difficult. - I need a wee.
It's the front half of a FordFiesta, as far as...
I need a wee. I need a wee.
Today's the day that Britain enters the new currency era.
You must spend or bank any remaining old money today.
It's now or never. use it or lose it.
At midnight tonight, it's euros only for British businesses.
Well, if you say so. Business... Businesses... Now, what was your name?
Dad. I've got an idea.
- What? - Dollars.
Change it into dollars now, then into euros whenever.
Actually, once all the excitement's over, the euro will most likely drop in value.
We'll probably get a better exchange rate this way, too.
What?
Where did I get you?
They've got a bank in there. It stays open late.
- You know everything, you do, don't you? - Yeah.
What's wrong?
How did you know about the bank?
Is this where your mum worked? In here?
Stay there. I'll come straight back for you.
I'll do this one, OK?
Don't look.
This is where your mum used to work.
Nice.
Best get a move on.
Go on.
Damian, what are you doing?
Hey, what's up?
Did you think I'd run off and left you?
Did you?
- Well, I didn't, did I? - No, you didn't.
- The bank's upstairs. - It's closed.
And I've had a much better idea. Come on.
Let's go and stuff our faces.
I could have had me eye out. Where are the glasses?
- Damian wants to give his to the poor. - Do you?
They won't be poor once you've given it to them.
What'll you do then? Take it back?
Speaking of which...
Right, mystery activity.
Champagne.
Follow me.
A woman opens the door in her nightie. Funny place to keep a door.
- This is your fault, this. - What is?
You don't even know. You brought her, and you don't even know.
- What? - Can you hear 'em laughing?
Even he's laughing. Listen.
Very good.
Once she's got what she came for, she'll piss off. Then he won't be laughing.
It'll all start again, like when Mam died.
Maybe she... She won't... She'll stay.
Great. Much better. Is that what you want? Her in there with him, instead of Mam?
- Why are you angry with me? - Because you did it.
You and your weird stuff. Chucking money away. Talking to yourself. Seeing things.
I don't. I mean, maybe I do, but...
And me, sticking up for you. For what? The truth is, you're a loony.
Don't say that. Please don't say that.
You're just a loony, and you should be locked up.
Be at the front door with the money in ten minutes.
Damian.
We were...
I was just...
Dad, don't answer it. Dad, don't.
- What is going on? - Please.
See these little girls? My girls.
The girls that Santa Claus forgot. You're our last hope. We haven't got our bus fare home.
- No point going back if you don't help. - Just...
- Who is it? - Excuse me.
Hedgehogs like these need your help.
50 per cent of families with a chronically ill child break up.
You may be asking yourself, "Why does Waterloo station need friends?"
- Let me explain. - It's the middle of the night.
This is a private house. Who are you?
Will you get out, please? Do you mind just leaving? Go.
- You and your hedgehogs, out. - Two euros a month.
- I mean, it's absolutely nothing. - Would you start up a direct debit?
Just shut up, will you?
Damian.
Damian?
This is the same donkey after a few months in our sanctuary.
- I think you'll agree... - All right, love. Put him down. Shall we?
You'd better tell me how this started.
I've no idea. Someone must have said something strange.
- Digital? - Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
- How do you find it? I'm yet to be convinced. - Have a look when you get rid of that lot.
One step at a time, eh? Any chance of a bit of toast?
You do that, I'll have a look around.
Evening, lad.
You.
- Where is he? - Don't know.
- Where is he? - upstairs.
Peaceful, isn't it?
Who are you?
Who am I?
- Who are you? - We're the police.
I know you're only a dream, but I don't care.
It's nice to see you, even if you're just a dream.
The money just makes everything worse.
I've got something for you. From Reader's Digest. Here.
You may have already won £10,000.
Please will you talk to me?
Five minutes. OK?
Now, don't interrupt. I'm dead. I know what I'm talking about, OK?
You need to use conditioner on your hair.
Your dad won't think of that, but it makes all the difference.
Me.
You are not to worry about me.
You have been worrying about me, haven't you?
I'm fine.
Anthony. He seems to have taken it better than you, but he hasn't.
He's got a good heart, he just doesn't know where it is.
Damian.
He's going to need you. Be good to him.
Dad doesn't believe.
- Doesn't believe what? - Any of it. Anything.
He mustn't do, or he wouldn't... Couldn't you talk to him?
- He can't see me. - Is it because of the money?
In a way. The money makes it harder to see what's what.
You know that already.
You never win with those things.
You just end up with books about the building of the American railways.
It's her, isn't it?
Your dad and her.
Damian...
You know how complicated the money was?
Well,
people are even more complicated.
Remember that there's nearly always enough good around to be going on with.
You've just got to have a bit of faith, you know.
If you've got faith in people, that makes them stronger.
And you - you've got enough to sort all three of you out.
Hey.
That's why I'm counting on you.
I haven't really been worried about you. I've just been missing you.
That's allowed.
Are you really a saint?
Well,
the criteria's very strict.
It's not just a case of doing good, and all that.
- You do have to do an actual miracle. - So...
I'm in there. Course I am.
What was your miracle?
Don't you know?
It was you.
Hey.
Aren't you gonna say goodbye?
Bye.
Did you see her?
- What did she say? - She said to tell you not to worry.
It's all gonna be all right.
She's looking out for you.
Come on.
Well.
It was fun while it lasted, eh?
Look, there's no easy way to say this, but I put a bit to one side, for me.
To spend. You can have it back.
Dorothy. 6,310 euros.
All for the best, eh?
Dollars. It's just a few grand.
- Dad. - Ten, really.
11,400 dollars.
I was going to tell you. I sort of kept them by mistake.
Anthony.
I just enjoyed having a wedge. It wasn't really the money. I just liked having it.
4,780 euros.
Dorothy wanted a holiday of a lifetime.
Dad wanted to pay off all his credit cards.
Anthony wanted one Gameboy Advance SP,
one Playstation 3, a Shogun new BMX bike,
a Racoon 500 super quad bike,
a Nimbus 2000 electromagnetic stair rider,
a table-top candyfloss maker,
an iPod, obviously, an iBOT, obviously,
and a stamp-on-it hydraulic rocket, capable of attaining altitudes of over 100 metres.
Three...
Two...
One.
That's how Anthony would want this story to end - with big piles of stuff.
But it's not his story. It's mine.
This is where I want it to end.
Visiontext Subtitles by Joanna Wilkinson
ENGLISH