>> FROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S WORLD
NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK,
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
JON STEWART.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE
DAILY SHOW."
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
MY NAME IS JON STEWART.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT BIG NEWS.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE FINAL EPISODE!
AND WHAT A NIGHT, WHAT A BIG,
BIG NIGHT.
A SHORT TIME AGO, THE FIRST
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
WRAPPED UP IN CLEVELAND.
AND I THINK YOU'LL ALL AGREE
WITH ME, IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO...
ARTICULATE.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, EVEN THOUGH
IT IS OUR LAST NIGHT ON THE AIR,
I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY--
>> OOOH!
>> Jon: BUT YET, WE ALL
STILL REMAIN ALIVE.
LAST NIGHT ON THE AIR.
I FEEL SOMEWHAT OF A
RESPONSIBILITY-- NAY, NAY, AN
OBLIGATION-- TO DEVOTE THE
ENTIRETY OF OUR LAST SHOW TO OUR
STANDARD POST-DEBATE FULL TEAM
COVERAGE.
AND SO--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STANDING BY TONIGHT, OUTSIDE OF
CLEVELAND'S QUICKEN ARENA, WHERE
THE DEBATES WERE HELD, WE'VE GOT
JESSICA WILLIAMS JOINING US WITH
THE BUSH CAMPAIGN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT HASAN MINHAJ.
HE'S WITH SCOTT WALKER'S
CAMPAIGN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: JORDAN KLEPPER.
>> TRUMP!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: JORDAN KLEPPER WILL
BE COVERING DONALD TRUMP.
AND I WANT TO ASK YOU GUYS, WHAT
ARE YOUR IMPRESSIONS OF
TONIGHT'S REALLY INTERESTING
DEBATE?
>> OH, MAN!
JON.
I THOUGHT JEB DID WELL!
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> WALKER, ALSO, SOLID.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE TRUMP TOOK
OUT HIS PENIS.
SO LATE IN THE DEBATE.
>> Jon: IT WAS A SURPRISE
TO EVERYBODY.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, OUR COVERAGE IS
A BIT LIMITED.
WE'RE LIMITED TO THE TOP THREE
CANDIDATES DUE TO THE SIZE OF
THE REPUBLICAN FIELD RELATIVE TO
THE SIZE OF OUR CURRENT STABLE
OF CORRESPONDENTS.
SO UNFORTUNATELY--
>> JON, JON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: AASIF, THANK YOU.
THIS IS AN ENORMOUS-- AASIF
THANK YOU FOR SPONTANEOUSLY
APPEARING IN CLEVELAND TO HELP US.
>> I'LL TAKE KASICH.
>> Jon: THANK YOU!
WE'VE GOT FOUR PEOPLE COVERED NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MY GOD!
AL MADRIGAL. THANK YOU AL.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO COVER?
>> I GET IT, AL YOU'RE LATINO.
COVER CRUZ OR RUBIO.
YOU DISGUST ME, STEWART!
>> Jon: AL, THERE ARE SIX
REMAINING CANDIDATES.
TAKE WHOEVER YOU WANT.
>> I'LL TAKE RUBIO, PLEASE.
>> Jon: AT LEAST WE CAN
COVER FIVE PEOPLE, AND THAT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JOHN HODGMAN, LEWIS BLACK,
THE CONTRIBUTORS PITCHING IN TONIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LENDING A
HAND TO OUR COVERAGE.
JOHN HODGMAN, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
RAND PAUL.
AND LEWIS BLACK, CHRIS CHRISTIE.
>> OH, I GET IT.
"LEWIS, YOU'RE AN ANGRY ASSHOLE.
COVER CHRISTIE."
YOU DISGUST ME!
>> Jon: WHAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS AMAZING.
WE WERE ALMOST THERE.
KRISTEN SCHAAL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS IS-- I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHING, YOU'RE REALLY DRESSED UP
FOR A DEBATE.
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
>> OH, JON, YOU'RE STILL HERE?
I THOUGHT TREVOR HAD STARTED BY NOW.
>> Jon: WHAT?
>> I SAID WE'LL MISS YOU!
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, YOU, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, EIGHT OUT OF 10
CANDIDATES.
EIGHT OUT OF 10 CANDIDATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAM BEE, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR PITCHING IN TONIGHT.
>> NO, JON, THANK YOU, THERE IS
NO ONE ELSE I WOULD FLY TO
CLEVELAND IN AUGUST TO HELP
COVER-- WAIT, I'M SORRY.
WHO'S LEFT?
>> Jon: BEN CARSON OR HUCKABEE.
>> OH, MY GOD, EWWW!
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, OH, DAMN
IT, NINE OUT OF 10.
DAMN!
SO CLOSE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SORRY.
>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU, JON.
THERE'S A LOT OF APPLAUSE HERE
IN CLEVELAND.
THAT'S RIGHT, JON.
TONIGHT, I HEART HUCKABEE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: STEVE, I GOTTA SAY
THIS IS-- FOR ME IT'S VERY
TOUCHING THAT YOU WOULD COME
BACK AFTER 12 YEARS AND DO THIS.
>> I NEVER LEFT, JON.
BECOMING AN INTERNATIONAL
SUPERSTAR IS JUST SOMETHING I
DID WHILE WAITING FOR MY
NEXT ASSIGNMENT.
WE'VE ALL JUST BEEN WAITING,
JON, THE WHOLE TIME.
>> Jon: YOU'VE BEEN WAITING
THE WHOLE TIME, THAT CAN'T-- I
CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
>> WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING
A REALLY LONG TIME, JON.
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF!
I HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO RAISE.
>> AND I HAVE THREE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WAIT A MINUTE.
HAS EVERYONE, HAVE ALL THE
CORRESPONDENTS JUST BEEN--
JUST BEEN WAITING AROUND LIKE--
IT'S BEEN 16 AND A HALF YEARS.
THAT CAN'T BE.
WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, VANCE
DEGENERES AND MO ROCCA?
ARE THEY--
>> WE'RE HERE, JON.
>> Jon: THEY COULDN'T BE HERE--
>> WE'RE HERE, JON.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE HERE.
>> WE'RE HERE DOWN ON WALL
STREET, JON?
>> READYTO DO OUR SIGNATURE
"DOLLARS AND SENSE" COVERAGE.
>> Jon: IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE THAT BIT WAS DONE ON THE SHOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE HERE.
TO JUST NOW DO A FINANCIAL SEGMENT.
>> WELL, APPARENTLY, THERE
WASN'T MUCH FINANCIAL NEWS TO COVER.
>> THIS PAST DECADE.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW, YOU DO THE BEST--DAVE ATTELL!
>> HEY, BUDDY.
>> OH, MAN.
>> HEY, DAVE.
>> I WOULDN'T MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, JON.
YOU'VE DONE IT.
16 YEARS OF GREAT TV.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, SIR.
>> NEXT STOP, PODCAST.
>> Jon: THIS IS-- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
HOW FAR BACK ARE WE GOING TO GO
WITH THESE REPORTS?
>> OKAY, SO WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
MORE QUESTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE, YES, YOU, THE OLD GUY.
>> Jon: OH, HEY, MATT
WALSH, DAN BAKKEDAHL, IT'S ME,
JON STEWART.
YOU'RE ON MY SHOW NOW NOT YOUR SHOW.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR SHOW?
>> Jon: "VEEP," YOU PLAYED
THE CONGRESSMAN,
MATT'S THE PRESS SECRETARY.
BEFORE THAT, YOU WERE CORRESPONDENTS
ON "THE DAILY SHOW" SO I WAS
EXPRESSING HAPPINESS THAT YOU
CAME BACK HERE--
>> AND WE'RE DONE HERE, THANK YOU.
>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO SAY
ONE MORE THING--
>> HEY, HEY, ASKED AND ANSWERED,
ASSHOLE.
>> YEAH, YOU ( BLEEP ), FACE.
WE'RE DONE HERE!
>> EXCUSE ME, JON, EXCUSE ME.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, THIS IS AMAZING.
>> I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY BECAUSE
I GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO TONIGHT.
"THE NIGHTLY SHOW" GOT BUMPED.
( APPLAUSE )
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT, LARRY.
>> BLACK SHOWS MATTER, JON.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I APOLOGIZE.
>> WHERE'S JONES?
>> JASON JONES?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR.
HE'S IN GEORGIA FILMING A NEW
SHOW, LARRY.
>> WHY DON'T YOU THROW TO HIM?
>> Jon: THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
>> IT WILL, IF YOU BELIEVE.
>> Jon: OH GEEZ.
ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WELL, LET ME TRY IT.
LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO HERE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WEIRD.
LET'S SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
LET'S GO TO JASON JONES.
>> THAT ONE.
THANKS, JON.
LET ME JUST SAY I AM SO HAPPY
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SOME
WELL-DESERVED TIME OFF TO WATCH
MY BRAND NEW TELEVISION SHOW
"THE DETOUR" ON TBS.
>> Jon: WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
YOU MUST BE BUSY, I'LL LET YOU
GET BACK.
>> THANKS FOR ASKING, JON, IT IS
A HILARIOUS NEW COMEDY SHOW
COMING SOON ON TBS.
>> THANKS JASON.
>> THE DETOUR, TBS.
>> Jon: WHAT AN ODDLY
CROSS-PROMOTIONAL MOVE BY--
(KNOCKING)
>> HEY, JON
>> Jon: JOSH GAD!
WHAT'S UP?
♪ DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE SHOW, MAN ♪
>> Jon: OH RIGHT, YOU PLAYED OLAF
THE SNOWMAN IN "FROZEN."
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I DID.
I'M A SHOW BUSINESS GOD, JON.
>> Jon: AMONG EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS.
>> DISNEY MONEY, BITCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW, WOW.
JON.
THIS IS INTENSE.
SO MANY-- SO MANY OLD FACES.
>> Jon: ROB CORDDRY.
I CANT EVEN BELIEVE YOU'RE BACK HERE.
COME ON, GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
>> NO, NO.
>> Jon: ROB CORDDRY,
EVERYBODY.
>> I CAN'T-- I'M LIKE-- I'M LIKE
KNOCKED OUT HERE.
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.
IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.
IT'S JUST THAT EVERYBODY HERE,
YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, ROB.
>> YOU-- YOU'RE LIKE THE BROTHER
I NEVER HAD.
>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH,
ROB, EXCEPT I THINK YOU HAVE A BROTHER.
( LAUGHTER )
>> NO, NOPE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: I THINK YOU HAVE A
BROTHER, ROB, AND I THINK HIS
NAME IS NATE, AND HE ACTUALLY
WAS A CORRESPONDENT HERE, TOO,
NATE CORDDRY.
>> NO, NATE DOES NOT RING A BELL.
>> Jon: NO, IT WAS.
>> ROB IT'S ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK YOU DO.
>> I'M NATE CORDDRY.
I'M YOUR BROTHER.
>> COME ON, CORDDRY!
COME ON, CORDDRY!
>> COME ON!
>> I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAR!
IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR!
GO!
I AM SORRY, JON.
YOU SHOULD CHECK IN WITH YOUR
OTHER CORRESPONDENTS.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, I'M--
ALL RIGHT, I'LL-- LET ME-- WAIT,
WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
I'LL CHECK IN WITH ANOTHER
CORRESPONDENT-- LORD VADER?
IS THAT YOU?
>> STEWART.
I AM MORE MACHINE THAN MAN.
TWISTED AND EVIL.
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF
BILLIONS OF SENTIENT BEINGS.
BUT IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION
YOU HAVE BEEN COMPARING ME TO
DICK CHENEY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT SEEMS A BIT HARSH.
>> Jon: I JUST THOUGHT THERE
WAS SOMETHING SITH LORDY ABOUT
YOU AND HIM AND I JUST THOUGHT--
>> LET US BE CLEAR, THERE IS THE
DARK SIDE AND THEN THERE IS WHATEVER
HE CALLS HIS SICK THING.
>> Jon: I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
>> FEAR LEADS TO ANGER,
ANGER LEADS TO HATE,
AND HATE LEADS TO SHOOTING
YOUR FRIEND IN THE FACE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THANK YOU, LORD VADER.
WOW, THAT WAS-- THAT WAS INTENSE.
SITH LORD AS A CORRESPONDENT.
YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF SHOOTING,
LET'S GO OVERSEAS TO OUR MIDDLE
EAST CORRESPONDENT BASSEM YOUSSEF.
BASSEM, ARE YOU THERE?
>> JON, I KNEW THEY WOULD
EVENTUALLY GET TO YOU.
WHO IS SHUTTING YOU DOWN,
THE WHITE HOUSE?
THE SECRET POLICE?
THANKS, OBAMA.
>> Jon: NO, NO ONE'S
SHUTTING THE SHOW DOWN.
I'M LEAVING BECAUSE I WANT TO.
>> WHOA.
THAT'S IT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> WHAT A PUSSY.
>> Jon: OH,.
>> JON, IT'S ME!
>> Jon: MICHAEL CHE?
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, IT'S GREAT TO
SEE YOU BUT YOU WERE A
CORRESPONDENT FOR LIKE THREE WEEKS.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WARRANTED A
FULL CAMEO.
>> MAYBE SOME OF US LIKE
CHANGING JOBS BEFORE THE ASS
GROOVE IN OUR DESK CHAIR IS OLD
ENOUGH TO VOTE.
>> Jon: I HAVE TO SAY THAT
HURTS A LITTLE BIT.
I TRIED TO DO A GOOD THING AND
LET YOU DO SOME BITS FOR US, AND
THEN WE COULD GO THROUGH AND GET
AND GET SOME--
( APPLAUSE )
ACTUALLY, HEY, TREVOR, COULD YOU
GIVE ME, LIKE, 20 MORE MINUTES?
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY.
>> Jon: IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU.
>> JUST REAL QUICK IF YOU DON'T MIND.
>> Jon: OH, SURE.
THANK YOU, BROTHER, I APPRECIATE IT.
WE'LL DO IT LATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME, IT'S NOT THE
FIRST TIME THAT THEY'VE HAD TO
RE-TAILOR THE SUITS HERE.
>> YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING
CANCELED, JON.
I HATE TO STAY, BUT I KNEW YOU
WERE GOING TO RUN THIS THING
INTO THE GROUND.
>> Jon: IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU, TOO, CRAIG.
>> JON!
>> Jon: OLIVIA MUNN!
OLIVIA, HOW ARE YOU?
>> CONGRATULATIONS!
>> Jon: OLIVIA, THANK YOU
SO MUCH.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> OF COURSE,.
>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING ME A CAKE.
THAT'S LOVELY.
>> OF COURSE, I DID, IT'S YOUR
70th BIRTHDAY.
>> Jon: NOT MY 70th.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT MY
BIRTHDAY, AND I'M NOT 70.
>> WHAT IS IT, LIKE, 75-- NO,
YOU DO NOT LOOK 80!
>> Jon: NO, IT'S NEITHER
ONE OF THESE.
THIS IS LOVELY--
>> WHY ARE YOU ON --
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> COME ON, JON!
I'VE COME TO TAKE YOU OUT OF
HERE, BUDDY. HEY, MUNN, WHAT'S
UP, GIRL?
>> Jon: RIGGLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
PUT ME DOWN, RIGGLE.
>> NO WAY, JOSE.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME IF YOU
WANT TO LIVE.
>> Jon: WE'RE HAVING A NICE
CELEBRATION HERE.
THERE'S NO REASON TO GO RAMBO.
>> YOU SWEET, NAIVE, FRAIL, TINY
LITTLE-- YES, DID I SAY FRAIL?
>> Jon: YOU DID SAY FRAIL.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE
TRAIL OF HATE THAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND?
ROLL 212.
>> I'M PAUL BROWN, C.E.O. OF
ARBY'S, BROUGHT TO YOU TONIGHT
BY JON STEWART.
JON STEWART, IT'S LIKE YOUR TV
THREW UP ON YOUR FACE.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, JON, BUT
I WILL BE TRYING.
>> GOOD RIDDANCE, SMART ASS.
>> DON'T GO.
COME BACK.
>> JON, I'M BEING SARCASTIC.
>> AND JUST WHEN I'M RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
WHAT A BUMMER.
>> SEE YOU, PIP-SQUEAK.
>> WHAT HAS NINE AND A HALF
FINGERS AND WON'T MISS YOU AT ALL?
THIS GUY.
>> JON, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY.
>> I'M SURE YOU'LL, MISSED BY SOMEBODY.
>> YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS
HAPPENING AROUND THE WORLD THAT
KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT WHICH IS WHY
I'VE RELIED ON YOU TO PUT ME TO SLEEP.
>> HAVE FUN FEEDING YOUR
RABBITS QUITTER.
>> I'M JON STEWART.
I'M DUMB, I'M STUPID.
NAH-NAH!
SO LONG JACKASS..
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I'M NOT GOING TO
SAY THAT DIDN'T STING A LITTLE BIT.
>> THAT WAS AWESOME.
>> Jon: ED HELMS!
>> WHAT'S UP, BABY?
>> YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> Jon: IT'S SO GREAT TO
SEE YOU, ED!
♪ AND IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU ♪
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
DID LOVE TO SING.
>> I DO.
I LIKE TO SING.
I LIKE TO MAKE MOVIES WITH MY
FRIENDS, AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE
MY REAL PASSION, WHICH IS RUNNING
THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN INSTITUTE FOR
MEN WHO GET MORE DISTINGUISHED AND
HANDSOME AS THEY AGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
AND ACTUALLY, IT'S KIND OF NICE
THAT YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I'M
GOING TO BE HAVING SOME FREE TIME.
PERHAPS I COULD STOP BY THE
INSTITUTE.
>> UM--
>> JUST FOR A QUICK VISIT AT THE--
>> NO.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT--
>> JON!
>> Jon: WHAT THE-- IS THAT?
I KNOW THAT VOICE.
IS THAT WYATT?
WYATT, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU, WYATT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, WYATT!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU FOR THE
CRAZY APPLAUSE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: ARE YOU ACROSS THE STREET?
>> MAYBE.
>> Jon: YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
ARE YOU COMING OVER?
>> I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
I GOT SOME BALLS IN THE AIR.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOOD?
>> YEAH, I'M GOOD.
YOU GOOD?
>> Jon: YEAH, I'M GOOD.
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.
>> I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
MY SOCIAL MEDIA'S BLOWING UP.
>> Jon: I HEAR YOU.
>> HEY, JON!
HEY!
>> Jon: WHAT THE?
>> HEY, JON!
>> Jon: LET'S CHECK IN ONE
LAST TIME AT GUANTANAMO BAY WITH
OUR OLD FRIEND, GITMO!
HEY, GITMO!
>> YAY!
YAY!
WHAT A GREAT DAY!
YAY!
>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, GITMO.
>> GITMO AND JON STEWART FINALLY
GETTING OUT.
YAY!
HOORAY FOR GITMO.
>> Jon: GITMO, I GOT SOME
NEWS, I'M LEAVING BUT THEY
DIDN'T EVER REALLY CLOSE
GUANTANAMO.
I'M GOING--
>> GITMO...
NOT...
LEAVING?
ONLY JON STEWART?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> MOTHER ( BLEEP )!
I'LL KILL YOU!
AARRGG!
>> Jon: WE'LL GET YOU OUT
OF THERE, GITMO.
>> HELLO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I HAVE TO SAY, JON, I JUST
HAVE TO SAY, WORKING HERE MEANT
THE WORLD TO ME.
I HAVE SUCH GREAT MEMORIES,
STARTING WITH MY VERY FIRST DAY.
SO LET'S JUST DIVE IN.
>> Jon: SURE.
>> I REMEMBER FOR BREAKFAST
THERE WERE EGG SANDWICHES, NOW I
CHOSE THE EGG WHITES, BECAUSE
YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN, YOU
KNOW YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN,
BUT ALSO YOU'VE LEAVING YOURSELF
OPEN FOR A SECOND SANDWICH.
SO THAT'S WHY I WENT WITH EGG WHITES --
>> Jon: THIS IS ALL FASCINATING.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PICK UP
THE PACE JUST A SMIDGE.
>> NO, NO, NO, JON, WE CAN'T.
WHEN SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT IT'S
WORTH TAKING THE TIME TO DISCUSS
IT IN DEPTH.
I'M TALKING 15, 18, EVEN 20
MINUTES IF NECESSARY.
OTHERWISE WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING?
>> Jon: EVENTUALLY WE DO HAVE
TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
>> HOLD ON.
WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) IS A COMMERCIAL?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE TALKING MADNESS, BOY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOW, THIS IS-- THIS
IS-- I HAVE TO SAY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THIS IS AMAZING.
THAT'S IT.
MY THANKS TO EVERYBODY.
OVER ALL THESE YEARS, WHEN YOU
LOOK AT THE TALENT THAT'S PASSED
THROUGH THESE DOORS IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN HARD TO SCREW THIS
SHOW UP.
I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY
WHO LENT THEIR TALENTS TO THIS PROGRAM.
IT MEANT THE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I UNDERSTAND.
CALM DOWN.
I GET IT.
THANK YOU.
>> JUST A MOMENT!
>> STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> NO IT'S JON.
STEPHEN!
( CHEERS )
IT'S REALLY YOU.
>> JUST A MOMENT.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE, JON?
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY LEAVE WITHOUT
SAYING GOOD-BYE TO YOUR SAM.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WAIT.
WHO'S SAM?
>> I AM, JON.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WHAT AM I DIANE?
WHAT IS THIS "CHEERS"?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> NO, JON, DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE FRODO.
>> Jon: WAIT, YOU'RE SAM, I'M FRODO.
WHY AREN'T YOU FRODO?
>> JON, ONE OF US IS ADULT SIZE
AND DOES NOT HAVE HAIRY TOES.
>> Jon: POINT TAKEN.
>> JON, LIKE FRODO, YOU ARE
LEAVING US ON A VOYAGE TO THE
UNDYING LANDS.
>> Jon: I'M JUST GOING TO
NEW JERSEY.
>> FOR 16 YEARS, YOU AND YOUR
BASIC CABLE FELLOWSHIP OF FUNNY,
CLUTCHED THAT RING OF POWER
AND TRUDGED UP
THE STEEP SLOPES OF MOUNT DOOM.
WE DIDN'T TRUDGE SO MUCH--
WHAT'S THE RING IN THIS METAPHOR?
>> THE RING OF POWER IN THIS
METAPHOR IS A METAPHOR FOR POWER,
A POWER TO BE A PLAYER IN THE
WORLD OF MEDIA AND WASHINGTON POLITICS.
>> Jon: I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT.
>> JON, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DIDN'T
WANT THAT?
>> Jon: FRODO.
>> YOUR WORDS, JON.
FRODO THOUGHT SURELY SAURON
WOULD KNOW THEY MEANT TO DESTROY
THE RING, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU WHAT GANDALF SAID ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO TELL ME THOUGH, AREN'T YOU--
>> HE SAID, AND I'M PARAPHRASING HERE
EVEN THOUGH I COULD DO IT VERBATIM
IF I WANTED,
HE SAID, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IT
HAS NOT ENTERED INTO SAURON'S
DARKEST DREAMS THAT WE WOULD
SEEK TO DESTROY RATHER THAN WIELD
THIS HIDEOUS POWER.
AND IN GANDALF'S METAPHOR HERE,
POWER ALSO STOOD FOR POWER.
>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT I AM SO TOUCHED THAT
EVERYBODY COULD BE HERE TONIGHT.
AND--
>> ME, TOO, JON.
IS THERE A PARTY OR ANYTHING?
BECAUSE I BROUGHT A LOT OF
PEOPLE FROM CBS.
AND I TOLD THEM THAT I KNOW YOU.
>> Jon: YES, THERE IS A PARTY.
AND YOU CAN GO TO IT.
STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> ACTUALLY, JON, JON, ACTUALLY,
NO, PLEASE SIT DOWN.
ACTUALLY, JON, WE'RE NOT QUITE DONE.
>> Jon: DON'T DO THIS.
>> JUST A MOMENT, JON.
YOU CAN'T STOP ANYONE BECAUSE
THEY DON'T WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE.
HUGE MISTAKE, JON.
IT WILL BE QUICK IF YOU JUST
HOLD STILL.
JON, I'VE BEEN ASKED AND HAVE
THE PRIVILEGE TO SAY SOMETHING
TO YOU THAT IS NOT ON THE
PROMPTER RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
>> HERE'S THE THING JON, YOU
SAID TO ME AND TO MANY OTHER
PEOPLE HERE YEARS AGO
NEVER TO THANK YOU BECAUSE WE
OWE YOU NOTHING.
IT IS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I'VE
KNOWN YOU TO BE DEAD WRONG.
WE OWE YOU-- AND NOT JUST WHAT
YOU DID FOR OUR CAREER BY
EMPLOYING US TO COME ON THIS
TREMENDOUS SHOW THAT YOU MADE--
WE OWE YOU BECAUSE WE LEARNED
FROM YOU.
WE LEARNED FROM YOU BY EXAMPLE
HOW TO DO A SHOW WITH INTENTION,
HOW TO WORK WITH CLARITY, HOW TO
TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT.
YOU WERE INFURIATINGLY GOOD AT
YOUR JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OKAY.
ALL OF US, ALL OF US, WHO WERE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YOU--
AND YOU CAN EDIT THIS OUT LATER--
ALL OF US WHO WERE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YOU FOR 16
YEARS ARE BETTER AT OUR JOBS
BECAUSE WE GOT TO WATCH YOU
DO YOURS.
AND WE ARE BETTER PEOPLE FOR
HAVING KNOWN YOU.
YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST AND A
GOOD MAN.
AND PERSONALLY, I DO NOT KNOW
HOW THIS SON OF A POOR
APPALACHIAN TURD MINER-- I DO NOT
KNOW, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD
DO IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT ME ON
THIS SHOW.
I'D BE BACK IN THOSE HILLS
MINING TURDS WITH PAPPY.
JON, YOU KNOW BY NOW, I'D HAVE--
I'D HAVE DUNG LUNG.
SO, JON-- AND IT'S ALMOST OVER.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR
THIS, BUT ON BEHALF OF SO MANY
PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES YOU CHANGED
OVER THE PAST 16 YEARS, THANK YOU.
AND NOW, I BELIEVE YOUR LINE--
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG --
>> YES.
>> IS "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK!
NOT SURE-- NOT SURE WHAT YOU
MISSED DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
AH!
SO, SO, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE THINGS--
THE THING I'M GOING TO MISS MOST
ABOUT THIS PLACE IS THE PEOPLE
I WORK WITH.
THEY ARE AMAZING.
EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAVE IS
ILLUMINATING, UPLIFTING.
THERE ARE DAYS WHERE YOU COME IN
AND THE CONFUSION AND THE FOG IS
EVERYWHERE, AND THE PEOPLE HERE
NEVER FAIL TO HAVE MY BACK ON
THOSE MOMENTS.
SOMEBODY IN THE BUILDING
BRINGING INSPIRATION, IDEAS,
TENACITY, HARD WORK-- IT'S THE
THING I'M PROUDEST OF, OF THIS PLACE.
IT'S NOT THE SHOW.
IT'S THE PROCESS OF THE SHOW.
IT'S THE PEOPLE OF THE SHOW AND
THE ATMOSPHERE.
I'VE BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS A
LONG TIME AND WORKED IN LOTS OF
DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES AT VARYING
LEVELS OF TOXICITY, AND THIS IS
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE I HAVE
BEEN AND I'LL NEVER HAVE THAT
AGAIN AND I HAD TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THAT BEFORE LEAVING KNOWING
WHAT I WAS WALKING AWAY FROM,
AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT EACH OF
THESE INDIVIDUALS IS LIKE AND
WHAT THEY HAVE BROUGHT TO US,
BUT I REALLY THOUGHT RATHER THAN
YOU WATCHING ME DISSOLVE INTO A
PUDDLE AGAIN, I'D RATHER LET YOU
MEET THEM.
AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER, I
ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A COMIC.
COMICS WERE THE COOLEST GUYS
AROUND-- AFTER ATHLETES, MOVIE
STARS, SINGERS, CARNIES, NARCS,
BUT AFTER THAT, COMICS.
FOR 17 YEARS I GOT TO DO IT WITH
THE PEOPLE IN THIS BUILDING.
MY CREW.
IF SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE-- IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--
B2, JOSSY, AND CANEVS
TOOK CARE OF IT.
>> WE TOOK CARE OF THAT THING
FOR YOU.
>> Jon: I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN.
EVERY DAY WE'D MEET UP AT OUR
FAVORITE HANG-OUT, THE OFFICE.
THERE WAS, OF COURSE, COOL ZACH.
>> HOW YOU DOING, GUY?
>> Jon: AND THE WRITERS,
THE BREAD BAKER AND CAILEN.
>> IF HUTT IS A SPECIES, WHY DOES
HE CALL HIMSELF JABBA THE HUTT?
>> IT'S AN ETHNIC EPITHET, LIKE
JIMMY THE GEEK.
>> NERDS.
>> THANK YOU SARV.
THERE'S Z-BONE, JO,
DULANEY, TRAYVON, MIDWEST ALLIE.
>> I'M FROM COLORADO!
>> Jon: THERE WAS BEARDY
McPLAD, AND BEARDY McPLAD,
AND BEAUTY McPLAD.
>> WE'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> Jon: THAT RIGHT THERE'S
RADOSH YOU HAVE TO BE
QUIET WALKING PAST.
AND SEAN.
HE MADE SURE EVERYTHING WE
SAID WAS CORRECT, AND THAT'S WHY
I CALLED HIM THE
RESEARCH-IN-ATOR.
>> YOU NEVER ONCE CALLED ME THAT.
THAT'S WHY HE'S BEST IN THE BIZ.
THEN IT WAS OFF TO STUDIO PRODUCTION.
>> Jon: THESE POOR SOULS
DID THE HARDEST JOB OF ALL,
WATCHING THE NEWS ALL DAY.
JULIETTE, LIZA.
GOOSE, HAIRCUT.
BRUNCH MAN.
AND, OF COURSE, GABA-GOO.
HEY, JAY.
TAXLER.
JAMES FRANCIS AND MELKERS.
>> DONALD TRUMP JUST ANNOUNCED
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
( SIRENS )
>> ALL HANDS ON DECK!
>> Jon: WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
DENNY WIRES HAD THE WHOLE PLACE WIRED.
OFF TO PRODUCTION.
THE HURK LOCKER.
DEV.
JOHNNY APPLESEED, AND BRITTANY.
>> IT'S FOR THE SHOW!
>> Jon: SURE, IT IS.
THERE'S NEW LISA.
SHE WAS NEW.
AND SEVI AND JAY.
GOOD MOVES.
AND THEN THERE'S-- THAT GUY
DOESN'T WORK HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT GUY IS.
LANE AND WATSON AT ORNERY'S.
AND, OF COURSE, THE PROP MASTER.
>> THAT TOOK ME 6 MONTHS TO BUILD.
>> BUILD ANOTHER ONE.
CATSY AND PAM MADE THE TOUGH DECISIONS.
>> LET'S BUILD A POOL ON THE ROOF.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> Jon: ACCOUNTING
LAUNDERED-- MOVED THE MONEY.
LISA, CHRISTIE.
>> JON, HEY, GO BUY YOURSELF
SOMETHING NICE.
>> Jon: DON'T MIND IF I DO.
SOMETIMES THE STORIES DIDN'T
COME TO US.
THAT'S WHAT THE FIELD DEPARTMENT
WAS FOR.
SENT OUR CORRESPONDENTS OUT
INTO THE WORLD AND USED THEIR
MILES TO GET DISCOUNTS AT AMAZON.
THERE WAS NATE, J.B., AND
MOPSY'S DAD, POLLY.
AND THE PRODUCERS.
JENNA THE JEW,
SMILS THE JEW,
AND OF COURSE IAN THE JEW.
>> I'M NOT JEWISH.
>> Jon: NO ONE BELIEVES
THAT IAN.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO DO A GREAT JOB.
ANSWER THE QUESTIONS DIRECTLY.
>> Jon: NOW IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO KNOW WHO RAN THE JOINT,
YOU HAD TO HIT THE EXECUTIVE SUITE.
HEY, FELLAS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
ARE YOU PLAYING CARDS?
DID I INTERRUPT?
I'LL GO.
MEOW.
HEARTBREAK HILL.
SHE BOOKED ALL THE GUESTS.
>> HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
I THINK HE'S A LITTLE MAD.
>> HEY, JON, YOU KNOW YOU RIPPED ME OFF
FOR THE LAST TIME OF GOODFELLAS
OKAY.
YOU'RE GONNA HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS.
AND SOON.
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
ED AND DUCE MADE SURE EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
AND OF COURSE ADE AND FELIPE, ANTONIO.
AND THERE'S A MAESTRO OF THE EDITING BAY.
THE DOCTOR.
I'M OPEN.
I'M ALWAYS OPEN.
GRAM, NICK, AND WHERE'S ZUZU.
>> ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO EDIT
THIS LATER?
>> IT'S ONE TAKE.
>> Jon: AND I SPIN THE
CAMERA AND WE END UP IN THE
GRAPHICS CAVE.
JOE, HOGAN, MADDIE, AND JENNY.
FINALLY DAYLIGHT!
SMALL VICTORIES
THERE WAS HASAN. HANDSOME.
AND POLLY P.
>> I NEED 10 MINUTES.
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
>> Jon: WHY?
>> PYTHONS ARE SICK, BOSS.
>> Jon: THE CONTROL ROOM.
CHRISTINA, TIM, ROB, CULLY.
WHAT'S UP, PAULEY?
AND THE BIG MAN, CHUCK.
CAN'T FORGET ROCKY AND RYAN.
>> READY, CAMERA, THREE?
HEY, HEY, ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW
WHY FRUIT MAKES YOU BURP?
>> Jon: HEY, MIKEY.
ANOTHER PAUL ON WARM-UP,
CHOIR, SHANNON, MARILYN,
AND THE JODESKY.
PIT STOP TIME.
AND THE CAPOS.
GREENBERG.
>> WE LOST A MINUTE ON THE PIECE.
BODO.
>> GOOD WE NEED THAT.
>> THE NETWORK APPROVED THE
BALLS JOKE.
>> ADAMLOWITT.COM.
>> FINALLY, A BALLS JOKE ON "THE
DAILY SHOW."
>> Jon: FINALLY WE HAD--
HEY, GUYS.
>> HI.
>> Jon: CORRESPONDENTS.
>> THIS PREMISE IS RIDICULOUS.
>> WHAT IF I HEIGHTEN IT
TO ITS COMEDIC CONCLUSION?
FINALLY, THE STUDIO WHERE IT ALL
CAME TOGETHER.
PHILLY PHIL.
CHRIS.
RICHIE ON JIB.
FRANCO.
T.D., MIKE, QUIGS, AND, OF COURSE, SPIN.
>> HERE WE GO.
HERE'S THE SHOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEY'RE THE BEST IN THE
BUSINESS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!
ANYWAY, ABOUT THE DEBATE.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU.
WE'VE SEEN THE CORRESPONDENTS.
WE'VE MET EVERYONE WHO WORKS HERE.
AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING.
SO MAYBE ONE LAST TIME, MAYBE A
LITTLE-- IF YOU WANT TO-- MAYBE
A LITTLE CAMERA THREE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BULLSHIT IS EVERYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER )
ARE THE KIDS STILL HERE?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER?
BULLSHIT IS EVERYWHERE.
THERE IS VERY LITTLE YOU WILL
ENCOUNTER IN LIFE THAT HAS NOT
BEEN, IN SOME WAYS, INFUSED WITH
BULLSHIT-- NOT ALL OF IT BAD.
GENERAL DAY-TO-DAY ORGANIC
FREE RANGE BULLSHIT IS
OFTEN NECESSARY, OR AT LEAST INNOCUOUS.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
I'M SURE HE'LL GROW INTO THAT HEAD.
THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IN MANY
WAYS PROVIDES IMPORTANT SOCIAL
CONTRACT FERTILIZER AND KEEPS
PEOPLE FROM MAKE EACH OTHER CRY
ALL DAY.
BUT THEN THERE'S THE MORE
PERNICIOUS BULLSHIT, YOUR
PREMEDITATED INSTITUTIONAL
BULLSHIT DESIGNED TO OBSCURE
AND DISTRACT.
DESIGNED BY WHOM?
THE BULLSHITOCRACY.
COMES IN THREE BASIC FLAVORS,
ONE, MAKING BAD THINGS SOUND
LIKE GOOD THINGS.
ORGANIC ALL-NATURAL CUPCAKES.
BECAUSE FACTORY MADE SUGAR
OATMEAL BALLS DOESN'T SELL.
PATRIOT ACT, BECAUSE ARE YOU
SCARED ENOUGH TO LET ME LOOK AT
ALL YOUR PHONE RECORDS ACT,
DOESN'T SELL.
WHENEVER SOMETHING IS TITLED
FREEDOM, FAIRNESS, FAMILY,
HEALTH, AND AMERICA, TAKE A GOOD
LONG SNIFF.
CHANCES ARE IT'S BEEN
MANUFACTURED IN A FACILITY
THAT MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BULLSHIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NUMBER TWO, THE SECOND WAY,
HIDING THE BAD THINGS UNDER
MOUNTAINS OF BULLSHIT.
COMPLEXITY-- YOU KNOW, I WOULD
LOVE TO DOWNLOAD DRIZZY'S LATEST
MEEK MILL DIS.
EVERYONE PROMISED ME THAT THAT
MADE SENSE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED
RIGHT NOW IN READING TOLSTOY'S
iTUNES AGREEMENT, SO I'LL JUST
CLICK "AGREE" EVEN IF IT GRANTS
APPLE PRIMA NOCTA WITH MY SPOUSE.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE-- SIMPLY PUT,
SIMPLY PUT, BANKS SHOULDN'T BE
ABLE TO BET YOUR PENSION MONEY
ON RED.
BULLSHITLY PUT, IT'S-- HEY, THIS.
DODD-FRANK.
HEY, A HAND FULL OF BILLIONAIRES
CAN'T BUY OUR ELECTIONS, RIGHT?
OF COURSE, NOT, THEY CAN ONLY
POUR UNLIMITED ANONYMOUS CASH INTO
A 501-C4 IF 50% IS DEVOTED TO
ISSUE EDUCATION OTHERWISE THEY'D
HAVE TO 501C6 IT
OR FUNNEL IT OPENLY
THROUGH A NON-CAMPAIGN
COORDINATING SUPER PAC
WITH A QUARTER--
"I THINK THEY'RE ASLEEP NOW.
WE CAN SNEAK OUT."
( APPLAUSE )
AND FINALLY-- FINALLY, IT'S THE
BULLSHIT OF INFINITE POSSIBILITY.
THESE BULLSHITTERS COVER THEIR
UNWILLINGNESS TO ACT UNDER THE
GUISE OF UNENDING INQUIRY.
WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE WE
DON'T YET KNOW EVERYTHING.
WE CANNOT TAKE ACTION ON CLIMATE
CHANGE UNTIL EVERYONE IN THE
WORLD AGREES GAY MARRIAGE VACCINES.
WON'T CAUSE OUR CHILDREN TO
MARRY GOATS WHO ARE GOING TO
COME FOR OUR GUNS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNTIL THEN I SAY TEACH THE
CONTROVERSY.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS THIS--
BULLSHITTERS HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY LAZY,
AND THEIR WORK IS EASILY DETECTED.
AND LOOKING FOR IT IS A PLEASANT
WAY TO PASS THE TIME LIKE AN
"I SPY" OF BULLSHIT.
I SAY TO YOU TONIGHT FRIENDS,
THE BEST DEFENSE AGAINST BULLSHIT
IS VIGILANCE.
SO IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING,
SAY SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT IS OUR PROGRAM.
NOW, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE TO
THANK THAT I CANNOT PLAUSIBLY DO
IT IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME ALLOTTED.
COMEDY CENTRAL GAVE ME THIS
OPPORTUNITY 16 AND A HALF YEARS AGO.
THE PEOPLE THAT WORKED HERE,
GAVE ME THE TALENT AND
INSPIRATION TO DEVELOP IT OVER
ALL THOSE YEARS.
IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE PLACE.
HONESTLY, TODAY, IT STILL FEELS
LIKE A DREAM A LITTLE BIT, AND
WALKING AROUND THE BUILDING
TODAY, NOBODY WAS MAKING EYE
CONTACT BECAUSE I THINK THERE'S
SO MUCH LOVE AND PRIDE FILLING
THE BUILDING RIGHT NOW, THAT WE
JUST DON'T WANT TO DROWN IT IN SALINE.
SO THERE'S A LOT OF THIS-- SO
THE SCRIPT IS READY?
UH-HUH.
SO EVERYBODY IS MAKING MOVES
WITH SALTY GOGGLES ON.
SO I JUST CAN'T THANK THE
PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE ENOUGH, AND
I CAN'T THANK COMEDY CENTRAL
ENOUGH AND I CAN'T THANK THE
AUDIENCE ENOUGH.
YOUR SUPPORT AND ENTHUSIASM OVER
THE YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAS BROUGHT TO US-- DON'T--
DON'T THINK THAT THE ENERGY THAT
YOU PUT OUT IS NOT RECEIVED ON
THOSE DAYS WHERE WE JUST FEEL
LIKE WE DON'T HAVE IT.
>> WE LOVE YOU!
>> Jon: I'M VERY FOND OF
YOU AS WELL, SIR.
IT SEEMED AWFULLY GRAVELLY.
( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO THANK MY WIFE, TRACY,
AND MY KIDS, NATE AND MAGGIE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT GOING TO LOOK OVER THERE.
FOR TEACHING ME WHAT JOY LOOKS LIKE.
AND... AN ARTIST I REALLY ADMIRE
ONCE SAID HE THINKS OF HIS
CAREER AS A LONG CONVERSATION
WITH THE AUDIENCE, A DIALOGUE.
AND I REALLY LIKE THAT METAPHOR
FOR MANY DIFFERENT REASONS BUT
THE MAIN ONE IS BECAUSE IT TAKES
AWAY THE IDEA OF FINALITY.
THIS IS JUST-- IT'S A CONVERSATION.
THIS SHOW ISN'T ENDING.
WE'RE MERELY TAKING A SMALL
PAUSE IN THE CONVERSATION,
A CONVERSATION, WHICH, BY THE WAY,
I HAVE HOGGED AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
I NEVER-- I REALLY-- I SHOULD
HAVE AT SOME POINT TURNED THE
CAMERA AROUND AND SAID, "DO YOU
GUYS HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD?"
I'VE REALLY BEEN DOMINATING THIS
IN A VERY SELFISH WAY.
BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS A
REMARKABLE WAY OF GETTING TO
THAT NOTHING ENDS.
IT'S JUST A CONTINUATION.
IT'S A PAUSE IN THE CONVERSATION.
SO RATHER THAN SAYING GOOD-BYE
OR GOOD NIGHT, I'M JUST GOING TO
SAY I'M GOING TO GO GET A DRINK.
AND I'M SURE I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
BEFORE I LEAVE.
SO THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE
PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO
PERFORM IT FOR YOU, FOR THE
PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO DO IT.
SO HERE IT IS, MY MOMENT OF ZEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THIS IS BY REQUEST FROM THE
MAN HIMSELF.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, JON.
WE WISH YOU HAPPY AND SAFE TRAVELS.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ GRAB YOUR TICKET AND YOUR SUITCASE
THUNDER'S ROLLING DOWN THIS TRACK.
♪ DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING
NOW, BUT YOU KNOW YOU WON'T BE BACK
♪ WELL DARLIN', IF YOU'RE WEARY
LAY YOUR HEAD UPON MY CHEST
♪ WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN CARRY
AND WE'LL LEAVE THE REST
♪ BIG WHEELS ROLL THROUGH
FIELDS WHERE SUNLIGHT STREAMS
♪ MEET ME IN A LAND OF HOPE AND DREAMS
♪♪♪
♪ I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, I'LL STAND
BY YOUR SIDE
♪ YOU'LL NEED A GOOD
COMPANION NOW
FOR THIS PART OF YOUR RIDE
♪ LEAVE BEHIND YOUR SORROWS
WILL THIS DAY BE THE LAST
♪ WELL, TOMORROW THERE'LL
BE SUNSHINE
♪ AND ALL THIS DARKNESS PAST
BIG WHEELS ROLL THROUGH FIELDS
♪ WHERE SUNLIGHT STREAMS
MEET ME IN A LAND OF HOPE AND DREAMS
♪♪♪
♪ WELL, THIS TRAIN CARRIES
SAINTS AND SINNERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES LOSERS
AND WINNERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES WHORES
AND GAMBLERS
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES LOST SOULS
I SAID THIS TRAIN CARRIES BROKEN HEARTED
THIS TRAIN SWEET SOULS DEPARTED
♪ THIS TRAIN CARRIES FOOLS
I SAID THIS TRAIN DREAMS WILL NOT
BE THWARTED
♪ THIS TRAIN FAITH WILL BE REWARDED
♪ THIS TRAIN HEAR THE STEEL
WHEELS SINGING
♪ THIS TRAIN BELLS OF FREEDOM RINGING.
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ PEOPLE GET READY
THERE'S A TRAIN COMING.
♪ YOU DON'T NEED NO TICKET
♪ YOU JUST GET ON AND GO.
♪ ♪ ♪
A 1,2,3
("BORN TO RUN" PLAYING)
THE HIGHWAY'S JAMMED WITH BROKEN HEROES
ON A LAST CHANCE POWER DRIVE
EVERYBODY'S OUT ON THE RUN TONIGHT
BUT THERE'S NO PLACE LEFT TO HIDE
TOGETHER WENDY WE
CAN LIVE WITH THE SADNESS
I'LL LOVE YOU WITH ALL
THE MADNESS IN MY SOUL
OH-OH, SOMEDAY GIRL I DON'T KNOW WHEN
WE'RE GONNA GET TO THAT PLACE
WHERE WE REALLY WANNA GO
AND WE'LL WALK IN THE SUN
BUT TILL THEN TRAMPS LIKE US
BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUN
♪ ♪ ♪
TRAMPS LIKE US
BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUN
♪ ♪ ♪
TRAMPS LIKE US
BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUN
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
>> THANKS JON.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.