♪suspensefulpiano♪
I'm, like, gettingwaves of nausea
and feeling super tired,
super hungry.
I will be shockedif I'm not pregnant.
I get myself pregnant...
by a guy who...
used to wake me up witha punch in the face.
You know, you wentthrough it, you lived-
keep it movin'.
Who wrote the poem yousent me this morning?
I wrote it, youfruit loop-
[laughs]
while walkingthe dog.
And I liked it.
[kiss]
-Thank you.-Accuse me of plagiarism.
[laughs]
We bend overbackwards to...
give the other personwhat we think they want.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
[Annie] You know, we-we don't feel compatible.
We don't wanna dothe same things.
When we have sharedinterests, it's from effort.
If we remove that...
I don't knowwhat we have.
You know knowingwhat we know now,
if we were gonnaget married...
tomorrow, he wouldn't.
I mean, you'd bean idiot to.
I wouldn't.
♪airymusic♪
Tell me about yourfears of incompatibility.
Seems...obvious.
Th- I mean, whenI met you,
I was like, "This isa terrible mistake."
I mean, this is amistake.
It looks like a mistake.
And that's one mistakeI'm about to make.
And I'm going into iteyes wide open."
-Okay.-But now, where you are now-
-Mm-hm.-In your...
-I feel the same way.-long relationship.
The only - I think thatwhat's changed
is that...
I think I thought
that my sacrifice
in my mind
was going to yieldthis result over here.
And that was- thatwas worth doing.
All the sacrificeswere worth it.
Um, and I th- and now,it feels more like...
I actually was in your way.
I was stopping you from...
realizing yourself ina way that...
would've been m-
better for you.
You would've been
happier.
I think you would'vebeen, you know-
[Orna]For example?
Like, how- what- how wouldAnnie live differently?
[Mau]I feel she's...
always wanting tobelieve in me,
but the things I say
sound just a littlebit too much.
I don't know that I wouldaccept someone else
saying even what I say.
I accept it 'causeI'm saying it...
and my expectation...
is that she needs toaccept it because
I'm saying it,
and any trespasson that,
I view as, like,a betrayal.
You said you- it's very-when you feel challenged,
you feel like that'swhen you-
[Mau]Yeah.
-R- react.-[Mau] Mmm.
But I- I don't know,in my mind,
it sounds likein one way...
Mau, you're describinghow you live,
I guess, based on your...
-background, your--[Mau] Mm-hm.
history, the historythat you described.
What are you doing?
Just walking around.
Yes.
-Okay.-And- and the
question of your,
I guess, what you'recalling your...
sensitivity to beingchallenged.
[Mau]Mm-hm.
[Orna]Just that you have
your way of thinkingabout things,
and it's just verydifficult for you...
to move from that.
[Annie] He's animpossible...
ship to steer,
and I understand that'snot my job.
Mm-hm.
[Annie] I'm exhaustedby like,
running to keep up...
you know, that I can't...just have it be a simple,
"Can you just turnthe car around?
We're two blocksfrom home.
I just realized I forgotmy sunglasses."
You know?
Like no,
I can't.
I also can never bethe driver,
so...
that's never up tome either.
If we aretogether...
I am on his...ride.
If we are together-
[Orna] That's whatyou're exhausted by?
-Yes.-[Orna] By the fact that
it's very hard toinfluence Mau
-When he goes on--Yes.
-Oh my gosh, yes.-[Orna] Okay.
That's it exactly.
-[Orna] Okay.-Because it's not just
-that stuff.-[Orna] The- the difficulty
influencing Mau.
-Period.-[Orna] I- I get it.
Well, first of all, whatdo you think about
this way of summarizingthings,
what's exhaustingAnnie at least,
that your- that your...
f- fixity,
or your rigidity is...
maddening to her?
Uh...
I think it's maddeningto her, yeah.
Mm-hm.
She has a- a fairly...
narrow perspective whenit comes to that...
-that's--[Orna] Narrow perspective
meaning she's not takinginto account other things?
Yeah.
-So, you're saying--[Annie] It- That's-
[Mau] Your choicesin life are this.
I mean, a- as-
Please don't- don't makea giant summary right now,
-Please.-Okay,
no giant summaries.
-[Orna] But this--She's right, that's correct
and you shouldfeel that way.
No, it's not that I shouldfeel this way.
-She does feel that way.-I shouldn't feel this way.
She shouldn't feelthis way.
I would love to notfeel this way.
I do feel this way.
She does feel that way.
And you don't haveto make it
the story then be indefense of yourself...
that I have anarrow view,
or I have alimitation,
or I have a-
That's exactly whatI'm talking about.
Annie...
we turn the car around,
I take different routes.
We go and don't go.
I swap the thing out.
I change my clothes.
With the thing thatyou're describing,
you get.
The thing youcan't get
which is unachievable
is you can't get it
100 percent of the time.
-That's it.-So, you're saying that...
You don't havea problem.
You make sense...
with a dentist.
-And I'm--[sighs]
Annie, wait, whoa.
I don't mean like anactual dentist.
I mean...
there is- there's-
you know, there's a...
less challengingrelationship
out there...
that y- you don't haveto fight so hard.
Like you're- you're-
The dudes alwaysturning around,
and eating chocolatecake with cinnamon,
and he's never-
he's- they...
I don't knowwhat he is...
but it's not aproblem...
right?
So, that goes back tomy point of, like,
what's left?
[laughs]
♪emotionalguitar♪
I'm not pregnant.
[Orna] And how are wefeeling about that?
Pretty shitty.
There's a lot going on.
I think we're both,like, pretty raw...
today.
Yeah, it's been ahard couple days.
Yeah, it's not all, like,the pregnancy stuff.
It's, like, the...
news, and the, like,
Trump memo.
Yes, I was thinkingabout you two.
I think that's...
really weighingheavy on both of us.
It's just all these thingslike, compounding.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
Even, like, this...
baby thing is, like...
not anybody's fault.
Like, I chose this life...
but it's so hard...
and I feel like I'mbeing punished
all the time.
Like, most of the time...
I really don't letthe news...
into my world.
because this iswhat happens,
because I don'tunderstand like...
what that could look like.
I don't-
-I can't think of it.-Concretely in terms of
your life, or...
But you dounderstand something,
which is that ifyou take it in...
it...
poisons you.
It shifts things inside.
Well I think just likewith everything else,
you have to bequite intentional
about how you'retaking this in.
What about thepregnancy itself?
I started to getpretty excited...
and it kinda felt like...
this was the most importantthing to us, so like...
great.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.-I can take
all the other shit.
We didn't even get togo take a test.
Like, I had gottenmy period.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
[Sarah]It's tricky.
There's part of me that's,like, a little bit relieved.
Because it's such afucking crazy time.
Yeah.
And the other part ofme is, like, devastated.
Not even thatI'm not pregnant...
just devastated that...
our tries areso limited.
[Orna]Yeah.
It's like a rollof the dice,
and now we wait.
And now, we...
do invasive surgery.
And it's just, like...
are you fuckingkidding? Like...
we don't getto just...
keep trying under theguise of like,
"We're, like, notnot trying."
-Like, you know what I mean?-[Orna] Mm-hm.
We don't just-
-[Orna] Mm-hm.-Get to keep rollin' the dice.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
There's no dice onthe table right now.
I just feel really...
stupid.
To have tried?
I have thoughtsabout that,
but I wanna hear your...
reaction, or...
thoughts.
It's been...hard...
to have deeperconversations between us
about, like, the pain...
that she's going through,
and I'm going through,like, while...
we're just trying toput out fires.
Is there morethat is- w-
that we shouldadd to this?
-Is the kitchen..?-[Sarah] Yeah.
It's the kitchen,
and before that,it was, like,
our scheduleswere too full.
And as soonas we, like,
took the schedules down,
it was like...
now the kitchen's gonnaconsume everything.
I just fucking don't knowwhat to do with it all.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
I mean, it's, like,
it's really unfortunatetiming
that this pregnancy...
didn't happen exactlyaround this time.
[Sarah]Yeah.
But this is...
random.
[Sarah]Mm-hm.
Yeah, I don'treally buy that.
[Orna] That it'srandom?
Yeah.
It just feels like
all this shit that'shappening right now
is so big,
that it's hard to...
ignore.
Like it feels likethe universe
is hitting meover the...head
with some kindof message,
and I'm not-
I'm not getting it.
All of the shitthat's happening
on the
political arena-
-No.-[Orna] or...
-your kitchen, or--Everything,
Right.All of it.
like all-
-add it all up.-[Orna] Mm-hm.
And it feels likeit should mean...
something
that all of thisis happening
at the same time.
But you canalso say
that it means...
that you...
the two of youhave a way of...
packing it in...
and hurrying...
so much
that sometimes,
you're gonnafind yourself
suddenly when onething starts...
tipping, another thingtips,
and you're...
suddenly in this kindof situation.
Mm-hm.
[Orna]And...
you're kinda youngand impulsive.
So, it is punishment.
For being impulsive.
like this- we deservethis then.
No...
no, that's not whatI'm saying,
but you- you- you're-
you have, um...
a pressure there toexperience this
as punishment.
That's not whatI'm saying.
I'm saying it's random.
That what you're seeingas related
has somethingto do-
h- has nothingto do
with the relationshipbetween these events...
but it has to do withsomething totally different...
which is thatyour kitchen,
and the- the
the pregnancy,
uh, theadministration,
who could'veforeseen that,
but the kitchen, andthe pregnancy...
happen at thesame time
because
you didn't wait tofinish your kitchen
before getting-trying to get pregnant.
That's not a crime.
It's a risk.
It's not a crime...
that deservespunishment.
♪softpiano♪
[Orna] I have two worriesabout Sarah.
One is...
this thing that she keepsfalling back to about,
um...
being stuck in thecaretaker role...
-[Virginia] Yeah.-Which...
I can see that Lauren doesn'tknow what to do about that.
Yeah.
[Orna]And...
it sounds to me like...
i-i-i-like the- thispunish narrative
is that there's the idea
that she's beingpunished
for living a queer life,
and that she shouldget back in line.
And that things willnot go well for her
if she's not doingwhat she
was raisedto do.
She keeps talkingabout how
she comes froma family
where everyone isso conservative.
[Virginia]Right.
She saw menoriginally.
She keeps talkingabout how easy it is
for straight people,which is actually not true.
[Virginia] That's whatI was wondering
whether in her...
pre- queer,pre-gay life,
did she have...
at least in her r-
retrospectivetelling...
an easier time
in a heteronormativelife?
She talks about allthese other
heteronormative people-
-[Virginia] I know.-that are having an easier time.
[Virginia] Right, but n-we don't know about her
-heteronormative life.-Yeah, I don't know about her.
[Orna] I don'tknow exactly...
the limits ofwhat to say.
[Virginia]Yeah, I- yeah.
We've been herebefore, you and I.
Yeah.
[Virginia] But thisparticular moment...
I wouldn't have such a conflictabout just sitting with it,
and thinking aboutit later.
But I get...
that you wanna seeif you can do more.
♪softstrumming♪
[Desean] This womanwho work for me
had a death in the family.
So the night before,
she's kinda hammeringme about,
"Why do you need togo to this funeral?"
I'm like, "What'sthe big deal?"
And then she says...
"I asked you to dosomething for me.
You couldn't do it,
but you're gonna go
to a stranger's funeral."
I said, "What'supsetting you?
What exactly
-are you angry at?"-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-That's- I learned that here--[Orna] Yeah.
-going to therapy.-Yeah.
"If you're mad atme because...
I'm going tothis thing,
uh, why?
Why does that botheryou so much?
[Orna]Mm-hm.
You don't evenknow this person."
I'm like, "I actually do.
She works for me."
You know,
I- I'm doingsomething that...
involves anyoneelse...
so now...
"How dare I?"kinda thing.
You know?Like...
I'm getting mad.
-Jump in.-[Orna] By this- by this-
Because...
I cannot get himto wake up
before eight o'clock,
or before ten o'clock
on a Saturdayor a Sunday.
But you're gonna go to thisperson's sister's funeral?
Why?
A lot of peopledie and-
people's mother's sister'scousin's brother's
uncles died his-at his job.
So, I need to know...
wh- who thisperson is,
what the importanceof this person is
-that made you get up.-[Orna] So...
I-I-I...
wanna try to...
cut to the chase.
Y- The momentyou're going, like,
"Why aren't you?"
you're already backin the same trap.
Okay.
But you start off justfrom where you are...
when you make this kindadecision to wake up
Saturday morning, andgo to this funeral...
this is what itbrings up for me.
It makes mefeel like
everyone else
has a level ofpriority in his life
that I don't.
Okay.
-And--Can you just say that?
Mm-hm.
I- I wanna seewhat happens.
Can you imagine...
not even takingthe bait?
Yeah.
And going straightto the heart?
I- I- I- Yeah.
But what would happenif Desean said,
"You know you're
the most importantperson in my life?
I love you.
I'm sorry youfeel this way"?
Um...
[Orna] It sucksto feel this way.
It'd be niceto hear...
but...
it's- it goes back towhat I said before.
You know, you- you-
you can't punch somebodyin the face,
and then tell themyou love them.
-Who do I believe--What's the punch?
The punch in the face,
like, literally,
you can't punchsomebody in the face-
But what isthe analogy,
-what's the punch?-The analogy is
you can't do twodifferent con-
But what was the punch?
The punch is
you doing exactly whatyou're sorry about, yet-
[Orna] Meaning goingto the funeral?
Or making those kindsof decisions.
Wait, but-Elaine-
Making me feelthat way, yeah!
He's not makingyou feel this way.
Okay.
He's deciding...to do something-
-Often-that he thinks is important.
-Okay, mm-hm.-Yeah.
That is not-
that- that is notthe equivalent
of punching youin the face.
Perhaps the analogyis a little rough, but-
[Orna] But it's notonly a little rough,
it- it gives you...
a direct clue
as to where thesefeelings come from.
Huh.
That's interesting.
[Orna]Right.
You've describeda relationship
in which- I mean thefather of your son
was that man.
That's interesting.
Huh.
[Desean] So, here'smy thing.
If she says,
"You know, I- I would likefor you to do things
with me on a Saturdaymorning,"
and I'm like, "I'd rathersleep in, right?"
All the time.Go on.
-All the time.-[Orna] Mm-hm.
And something comesup on a Saturday-
[Orna]Mm-hm.
that would require me
-to have to get up, and go.-[Orna] Yeah, mm-hm.
Am I to...
never do anything...
because I've said noto you for this thing?
That's what itfeels like.
-It's ridiculous.-[Orna] I understand.
It puts the twoof you-
-I- I understand each of you--It's ridiculous.
And it puts thetwo of you
in a verydifficult spot.
She has a need thatI cannot fulfill for her
as her husband.
I can't.
[Orna] The needto feel special?
Yeah.
I can't fulfillthat need for her.
I just can't.
NothingI do...
Absent of justdropping everything,
and everyone,
no con- you know,and just...
focus on her 24/7-
-Mm-hm.-[Desean] Maybe that'll work,
I don't know.
Mm-hm.
[Desean]But she has...
a need that I cannot
provide for her...
-and--That's the conclusion
-you're coming to--[Desean] Yep.
To not be ableto provide,
what's that likefor you?
Makes me feelinadequate.
Makes me feel,um...
crappy.
I'm the type ofperson, if I can't
-bring any value to this--[Orna] Mm-hm.
You won't-you won'tneed to see me.
I won't hang around.
I- I- I don't wannabe a part of it.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
I'm not gonnacause you pain.
I'm not gonna...
If I can't fixthis thing-
[Orna] So, let's juststay with this feeling
what you're giving...
is not...
[Desean]Not enough.
Not of value,not enough.
Your love isnot enough.
Yeah.
Can you imaginewhat that's like?
Yes.
-I mean--but do you hear it?
I hear it.
[Orna] Does itmatter to you?
-Of course, it does.-[Orna] Mm-hm.
I mean, I'm leaning
more on you inthis conversation
because this happensto be a kind of conflict
when I feel like you havemore work to do about it.
So, this is not kind of anevenly distributed pressure
but I need to putpressure on you here.
One way tosay it is that
you're taking a relativelyneutral event...
and you're-
it's like, I mean, toput it in very m-
-blunt terms--[Elaine] Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Your history oftrauma is...
pouring colorall over it
on a neutral event.
And y- you're endingup feeling horrible...
and pushing yourpartner away.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Now, I- I- I'm sayingthis aware of the fact
that you're sufferingin this kind of moment
is real.
You really feel like,"Oh my god,
he- he'll do anythingfor anyone else,
-and not for me.-[Elaine] Mm-hm, mm-hm...
There I am, nobody cares.
-I'm not important. I'm alone.-[Elaine] Mm-hm, mm-hm.
I understand that that'syour real experience.
Mm-hm, mm-hm,mm-hm.
[Orna] But I can alsosee how this is
a kind of momentwhere...
it's like your unconsciousis just pouring
a pile of paint...
on a neutral canvas.
[Elaine]Mmm.
Well, I don't knowhow to not paint.
[Orna]Mm-hm.
Because I'm not consciousthat I'm doing it-
-[Orna] Right.-So it's not like I can connect
-to something--[Orna] Right.
-To switch it off, right?-[Orna] Mm-hm.
So, like, I- I honestto goodness-
Do you have any idea howyou could be helpful?
[laughs]
Do I have any idea?
No, no.
I used to sort of say,"All right, okay, okay,"
but I don't dothat anymore.
-I'm like--[Orna] Meaning to just appease-
-[Desean] Yeah.-And, let's say,
-cancel the funeral?-[Desean] Yeah.
No, no, that is notthe way to do it.
-That- it doesn't happen.-No.
[Desean] I don't dothat anymore.
That is not gonna work.That's not gonna address...
-the ultimate--[Desean] So-
to answer your question,I don't know.
-You don't know?-I don't know.
I don't know.
Can you think of a way thatDesean can both
kind of maintain hisintegrity as a person,
making his owndecisions,
and care about you?
So, here's- here's thething about that.
I- I- I feel like if
it's rehearsed,
it's doesn't comefrom within.
Like if youcare, you care.
And if you don't,then you really don't,
and so, I can'tmake you care
-by giving you choices.-Right, but caring is not-
That's what happens withthis kind of trauma mind,
that you set it upso that the...
evidence for care isactually impossible...
because...
canceling a funeralin this kind of case
is not an act ofcaring.
It's an act ofcompliance.
But then i- my mindgoes right back to,
you know, allof the things
that you didn't keepyour word on.
It's almost like...
-I have a VHS tape--Mm-hm.
And I can rewind everyinstance-
-[Orna] Mm-hm.-Of...that.
[Orna] And theVHS tape...
is designed
to reinforcethe feeling
that you do notmatter.
Hm, that's- that-that's-
-[Orna] That tape--Interesting.
-That tape is your enemy.-[Elaine] That's interesting.
That tape is your...prison.
That's history grabbingonto you,
and not lettingyou
live yourcurrent life.
You're such afierce lioness,
and you're forward,forward, forward,
but history is catchingup with you.
Nah, I won't let it.
Nah...I won't let it.
♪softfingerpicking♪