翻译：Charles Chou/米粒 交流分享 请勿商用 保护版权 人人有责
『当你仍然身处故事当中时』 "When you're in the middle of a story,
『故事尚还不能被称为故事』 "it isn't a story at all,
『只是迷离的幻景』 "but only a confusion,
『模糊的暗吼 不见五指的黑暗』 "a dark roaring, a blindness,
『玻璃片与碎木块构成的残骸』 "a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood,
『像被卷入旋风的房屋』 "like a house in a whirlwind,
『或是一艘船 它被冰山击碎』 "or else a boat crushed by the icebergs
『抑或被湍流卷走』 "or swept over the rapids,
『船上的乘客对此也无能为力』 "and all aboard are powerless to stop it.
『故事之所以成为故事』 "It's only afterwards
『是因为一切都已成过去时』 "that it becomes anything like a story at all,
『在你开始向自己或他人讲述的一刻』 "when you're telling it to yourself...
『故事才真正成形』 "or to someone else. " 玛格丽特·阿特伍德《双面格蕾丝》
还要上几层楼 How far am I gonna go up?
我们讲述的故事
- 三段台阶 - 走吧 - Three flights. - Just keep going.
走不动就歇会吧 Take a break when you need to.
好嘞 Jolly good.
终于到了 你好 Here we are, then. Hi.
- 好 - 把这个放在这里 - Right. - Put this here.
好啦 Right, then.
让我们来瞧瞧... Let's have a look and see... Oh.
这是前半部分 So this is the first half.
什么 亲爱的？ This is what, love?
这是我们要录的前半部分 The first half of what we're recording.
这么多全要我念一遍么 I'm going to do the whole lot?
是啊 而且这只是一半 Yeah, there's another...
- 全都要？ - 嗯 - All this? - Yeah.
我写的全在这儿了 It's the whole of the thing that I wrote.
简直跟自我惩罚似的 It's a thing of punishment.
这杯茶是谁的 Whose tea is that?
我知道 I know.
我在想等会我可能会紧张得全身湿透 I just think that I might be sweating through my shirt.
我准备好了 Yeah. I'm ready.
这个放在旁边 Keep it handy.
我不喜欢这样 I don't like this.
- 你紧张么 - 有点 - Are you nervous? - A little.
会越来越紧张的 It'll get worse.
希望你以后能给我解释下 I hope you'll explain to me sometime
你到底想做一部什么东西 what all this is that you're trying to do.
有两台摄像机在拍我录音的过程 With two cameras and me recording it visually.
怎么了么 What about it?
记录片一般不是这么拍的吧 It's not the normal way of doing it, is it?
我也不知道 I don't know.
我之前和你说这是部纪录片 但其实... We've told you it's a documentary,but it's actually...
我们是要审问你 It's an interrogation process.
什么？ What?
其实这是一个审问的过程 It's an interrogation process that we've set up.
我真的需要镇静剂 I honestly need pills.
真的么？ Do you really?
- 我好紧张 - 真的么 - I'm so nervous. - Are you really?
我的牙看着还好吧 Are my teeth okay?
我觉得我开始出汗了 I feel like I'm sweating.
镜头对准没 What's my frame?
我的胸不会很大吧 How are my breasts?
好啦 尽管来拍 Okay. Showtime.
啊？镜头现在对着我么？ Me? Do you want me?
不好意思 Oh, I'm sorry.
好了 爸 我们随时可以开始 Okay, Dad,so we can start any time.
开机了么 好 Are you rolling? Yeah.
好吧 Okay.
开始了 We're off.
从故事的最初到结束 In the beginning, the end.
我都是独一无二的存在 I am unique.
准确来说 From that precise moment
在我与母亲的子宫分离 when I was dragged out of my mother's womb
降生这冰冷世界的那一刻起 into this cold world,
我就成为了完整的个体 I was complete...
我的基因组 an amalgam of the DNA passed on to me
是母亲与父亲的集合 by my mother and father,
他们也和我一样 and they too had been born finished products,
是各自父母的基因集合 with their DNA handed down by their respective parents,
如此逆推 无穷无尽 and so back ad infinitum.
因此 我的年龄与先祖等长 It is clear to me that I was always there,
相同的基因不断向下传递 只待出生的一刻 somewhere in my ancestors' DNA,just waiting to be born.
这个独一无二的人 So this unique guy has always existed,
起源甚至可以追溯到浑沌时代 even in the mystery of nothingness.
那么 我们该从哪里开始 So where to start?
爸 能把整个故事讲给我们听么 Dad, can you tell the whole story?
你为什么和妈结婚 The marriage to Mom
以及在这之后发生的全部的事 and everything that happened since?
天啊 Good God.
整个故事？ The entire story?
我现在要你把整个故事讲一遍 I'm gonna ask you now to tell the whole story
假装我是对这个故事一无所知的人 as though I don't know the story,
从开始到最后 from the very beginning to the very end.
妈呀 Shit.
你可以把这个故事 Can you tell this whole story
用自己的话从头到尾讲一遍么 from beginning to end in your own words?
就像给别人说故事那样 Like, as though you're telling a story to someone.
像串烧歌那样 Like a medley.
- 串烧歌 - 就是这样 - A medley. - Yeah, okay.
你可以把整个故事 Can you describe the whole story
用自己的话从头到尾讲述一遍么 from the beginning until now in your own words?
什么？ What?
你觉得拍摄这部纪录片的主意怎么样 What do you think of this documentary being made?
怎么想的就怎么说吧 You can be totally candid.
可以吗 Can I?
好多人都和我直说了 A lot of people have been.
我觉得我的本能反应是 I guess I have this instinctive reaction of
『谁他妈的在乎我们家的那点事啊？』 who fucking cares about our family?
说了粗话不要紧吧 Can I swear?
『谁在乎我们家的事啊？』 Who cares about our stupid family?
我有点尴尬 I'm sort of embarrassed,
因为这是我们自己的故事 'cause I think it's our family,
每个家庭都有自己的故事 and every family has a story.
不过我觉得这很有意思 But I do think it's really interesting
你可以回顾往事 to look at this one thing that happened
看看它在不同人眼中的不同模样 and how it's refracted in so many different ways,
有太多不同的视角 and there's so many different angles.
可不可以 I guess if you could start
从尽可能细节地描述下妈妈开始 by describing Mom in as much detail as possible.
哦 好啊 妈 妈 Oh. Well, Mom, Mom.
我更喜欢称呼她『妈』而不是『黛安』 I will refer her to as "Mom," not Diane.
她给了我很多童年的快乐回忆 She was the most fun I could think of as a child.
她富有感染力 对一切事物充满热情 She was infectious, enthusiastic,and excited about everything.
在我的记忆中 My memory of Mom is
妈是个喜欢热闹的人 of someone who was very loud.
她走起路来动静很大 感觉地板会晃 She walked very heavily and made the records skip.
大家都喜欢邀请她去派对 And my impression is she was a fun person at parties,
同时她也是很适合捧人场的观众 that she was a fun person to have in an audience,
因为她总是笑得特别大声 'cause she laughed loud.
我觉得 如果你谈到黛安 You can't talk about Diane,I don't think,
就一定会谈到她的笑 without talking about her laugh.
她所到之处的人都会被她的笑声感染 It infused every situation that she was in.
她天生带着一股吸引人的欢快感 What attracted people to her was a sense of joy.
我想她是个有感染力的人 She had a contagious personality,I thought,
在我很小的时候 我喜欢看《我爱露西》 and when I was really young,I used to watch I Love Lucy,
当时我觉得露西就是妈妈演的 and I actually thought that was her,
因为她好笑 又做些很蠢的事 because she was fun and goofy.
她让人感觉温暖 She was very warm.
充满生命力 She was full of life
喜欢跳舞 喜欢派对 and loved to dance and loved to party
经常笑 and laughing a lot,
她还爱唱歌 and she loved to sing,
唱得很难听 但她不介意 and she was the worst singer,but she didn't mind.
她是个无忧无虑的人 She was sort of a good-time Charlie.
她可以为你搭建避风港 让你和她一样快乐地活着 There's a big tent within which you can enjoy life with her.
有一类人可以给周围的人幸福感 And there are people who just light up the life
这就是她 for those people around her,
有一类人就像火光吸引飞蛾一样吸引朋友 and people gravitate to them like a moth to flame.
这也是她 And that was her.
她还很勤奋 做了不少事 She also was very productive, got a lot of things done.
她总是闲不下来 She was a very busy person
想要做很多不同的事 and managed to juggle lots of different things.
比如说 她很喜欢煲电话粥 I remember her being on the phone a lot, for example,
我还记得她很喜欢比手势说 and I remember the hand saying,
『别挂！嘘！别挂！』 "Hold on! Shh! Hold on!"
每次我看见黛安 Whenever I would meet Diane,
她都会出点什么状况 I always found that she was in trouble.
比如说...她会落东西在出租车里 Something she'd done...she'd left something in a cab,
或者她一来就说『你快跟我来』 or she'd arrive saying,"Oh, you have to come with me.
『我得去什么什么地方 因为我干了什么什么事』 "I have to go there because I've done this,
『我真是太蠢了』 "and it's so stupid,"
走路的时候 她总是走在我前面 and as we were walking,she'd be ahead of me
不停地跟我解释那些乱七八糟的事为什么会发生 trying to tell me why everything was in disarray.
所以每次我看见她 都会觉得 Whenever I would see her,it seemed as though...
不好 又出状况了 something was going wrong.
肯定是她干的 It was her fault,
现在她在想法子解决那些麻烦 and she was trying to sort it out and correct it.
我记得 妈当时是戏剧演员 As I understand it,Mom was doing plays,
她在一次演出时认识了迈克尔 and she met Michael in one of those plays,
一下就爱上了他 and she instantly fell in love with him.
1965年 迈克尔在 In 1965, Michael played Mick
《看管人》的北美首演上扮演米克 in The Caretaker's North American premiere.
他记得有位观众 He recalled an audience member
在演出结束后来到化妆间 coming round to the dressing rooms later
祝贺主演的演出成功 to congratulate the lead actor
然后他被介绍和她认识 and that he was introduced to her.
那观众的名字就是黛安 Her name was Diane,
她特别喜欢这场演出 and she loved the show so much
在那之后又去看了两次 that she came back twice more during the run.
我觉得黛安爱上的不是我 I think Diane fell in love not with me,
而是我在舞台上演出的角色 but with the character I was playing on stage.
那个角色和我完全是不同的两类人 The character is something that is so different from me.
他很有激情 带着领导风范 It's such an exciting and dominating character.
你很难把目光从这个角色上移开 You can't take your eyes off that character.
这绝对不是我 That's absolutely nothing like me at all,
但这也是我想要扮演他的原因 but you can see why I would want to play it.
所以这件事听来是不是有些讽刺 So isn't it ironic that Diane turns up
黛安来看一位演员的演出 to watch a performance by an actor,
在演出的过程中 她不断想 and as she watches that performance, she sees,
『这就是我一直在找的那个人』 "That person is exactly what I've been looking for all my life.
『他是那样富有激情 那样迷人』 "Somebody exciting,somebody full of intrigue.
『这就是我一直要找的那个人』 "That"s what I've been looking for all my life. "
她自己也是位演员 She was an actress herself,
几个月后 他们一起合作了一部剧 and a few months later,they'd play together
《劫火余生》 in The Condemned of Altona,
他们的人生也就此无可追回地改变了 and that changed their lives irrevocably.
黛安扮演那位女伶 Diane was playing the part of the actress,
而我是德国军官 and me as the German officer.
这又是一个充满魅力的角色 Once again,this is a fascinating character,
所以即便是在戏内 我们扮演的也是 so even in that play,we were playing two roles
完全不同于自己的两个角色 rather than Michael and Diane.
之后他们在一个派对聊上了 And they talked at a party afterwards,
谈到了些微妙的事 and they got into some weird discussion
爸提出开车送她回家 where Dad offered her a drive home,
妈答应了 and Mom said okay.
对 我确实说要开车送她回家 Yes, I did offer to drive her home.
我说『我外面停着辆奔驰跑车』 I said, "I've got a Mercedes-Benz sports car
『如果你想我可以送你回家』 "sitting outside if you want a ride home. "
爸承认当时外面并没有这么辆车 Dad admitted that he didn't have a car there.
事实上 他当时根本没有开车 In fact, he didn't even drive.
外面停着的是妈的车 And Mom was the one that had a car there,
所以在这个故事里 so somehow in the story,
她们两个人在一起回家这件事上都说了谎 they're both lying to go home with each other.
那之后 米克和黛安做了爱 And then they made love,Mick and Diane.
接下来 我想告诉你迈克尔在艺术之路上做过的另一次尝试 Let me continue by telling you another of Michael's artistic pursuits.
刚和黛安结婚的时候 At about the time of his marriage to Diane,
迈克尔决定买一台电影摄像机 Michael decided to purchase a movie camera
记录下他们迟到的英国蜜月 and to record their belated honeymoon in England.
你可以从影像中看出他作品的几个特点 Watching it, several features of his work become apparent.
在我用Super8摄影机拍摄的那些电影里 Every time you see a group of people in my Super 8 movies,
只要有人物出现 你可能就会很兴奋 every time you see a few people,you get interested,
因为镜头多数时间 the camera goes away
都在拍房子的屋顶之类的东西 and looks at the roof of a house or something,
或者是镜头越拉越远 什么都不见了 or disappears in the distance.
这是我的拍摄方式 不以人为主 This was my way of filming,not to include people too much.
我记得黛安有次在提到那次旅行时说 I gather that Diane did once say that on that trip,
他拿着摄像机的时间 he spent more time gripping the camera
比抱着我的时间还多 than he did holding her.
我一直觉得他们是截然不同的两类人 I had a feeling they were incredibly different people.
看着他们结合我觉得很神奇 It was sort of amazing that they were together in some ways,
因为他们真的大不相同 'cause they were so different.
她多数时候都很容易激动 As excitable that she was most of the time,
而他 至少看上去很冷静稳重 he was calm, or seemed to be.
他内敛 矜持 He was centered and inside himself,
而她外放 直白 and she was so far outside of herself
有时你会怀疑她是不是完全没有秘密 that sometimes there was nothing inside.
迈克尔是个私人化的人 Michael was a private person,
而黛安绝对不是 and Diane was not a private person.
她不会骗人 She really lacked guile.
她不会人前一套人后一套 She did not have two faces for the world.
不知道她会不会在不同的人面前表现出不同的样子 I don't know if she showed different faces to different people,
但我总觉得她有很多秘密 but I did sense that she was a woman of secrets.
只是这些秘密被很好地隐藏了 But they were artfully hidden.
他们被藏在不起眼的地方 They were subtly hidden.
因为她的人格魅力十分巨大 And because she had a larger-than-life personality,
那些细微之处也自然被我们忽略了 you didn't look for the subtleties,
就像一出巨大的障眼法 because there was the razzle-dazzle in front of you.
她的其中一种... One of her great...
伟大的力量 应该是她的活力 strengths, I think, was her vitality,
她坚持把生活过到最充实的状态 her constant determination to live life to its fullest.
我的性格里没有这样的东西 I don't have anything like that in my character whatsoever.
我可以演出这样的角色 I love to play it as an act,
但我做不到像这样生活 but I can't live it as a human being.
你能想象我一大早就像黛安那样跳下床 The idea of me jumping out of bed in the mornings,
跑来跑去忙个不停么 running around and doing things like Diane used to do?
黛安通常一次做十件事 Diane was usually doing ten things at the same time.
而我一次做半件事 I'd be doing half of one thing.
黛安迷恋他的头脑 Diane was so attracted to his mind,
但她也希望他能更直白地向她吐露爱意 but she yearned for more demonstrative affection from him.
爸说过... Dad says that Mom
老妈总是比他还想做爱 wanted to have sex a lot more than he did.
当我问他细节 比如口交次数的时候 When I ask him specific questions,like about oral sex,
爸和我说 Dad tells me that that is something
他们好像基本没有做过这个 that was thought of as something they did in France.
我从没认为我爸是个严肃的人 I sure have never thought of my Dad as a prude.
你什么都可以和他谈 He will talk about anything,
他不会为任何事感到震惊 and he is not shocked by anything,
不过一想到... but it's kind of amazing to think that
口交居然是... oral sex was something that...
也许是 我也不清楚 maybe it was, I don't know...
但一想到... but it's amazing to think that...
他不喜欢口交这事 that that was something that was so
我就对他肃然起敬 off the radar for him.
我觉得 在你和我相处十二年后 I used to think a night with a dead wombat
可能就会觉得和袋熊过一晚上 might turn out to be more exciting
会比和我过一晚上来得更有意思 than a night with me after you've been with me for twelve years.
所以...谁知道呢？ So... who knows?
我是个好丈夫 就养家而言 I was a good husband, I think,in a providing way,
大部分家用都是我挣的 in terms of my contribution to the household-running.
你能把丈夫一般要尽到的责任列张表 Could you give me a list of the duties of the average husband,
让我清查下自己哪里做得不好么 so I could do a check-off?
打扫和煮饭都是她包下的 She did all the cooking, all the cleaning,
照顾孩子的也是她 all the taking care of the kids.
一开始他完全不管我们 He didn't take any responsibility for us,
他不帮我们做决定 he didn't make decisions about us.
总是说『问你妈去』 It was always,"Ask your mother. "
后来他才意识到 自己有孩子了 Next thing he knew,he had kids,
他觉得自己要尽到父亲的责任 and he thought that he had to be responsible.
于是他放弃了表演事业 So he gave up acting and started working
去了人寿保险公司上班 at Manufacturers Life Insurance Company.
妈对迈克尔做的这个决定感到十分沮丧 Mom was frustrated by Michael.
她一直认为他是个才华横溢的男人 She saw Michael as an extremely talented man,
一个才华横溢的作家 一个才华横溢的演员 歌手... a talented writer,a very talented actor, singer...
那才是他应该做的 he was all those things.
我觉得她当时想的是 I think in her mind it was,
『我不是个有天赋的人』 "Look at how hard I have worked
『但我还是努力追求向往的事业』 "with very little God-given talent,
『再看看这个男人』 "and look at this man,
『上帝给了他出众的才能』 "who is so talented in so many ways,
『他却想将它舍弃』 "and he's throwing it away. "
他写作很好 但他没有走上写作的路 He was a good writer,but he didn't pursue it.
我们都鼓励过他 And we all encouraged him.
但他就是不愿意 He just didn't.
她对他感到很失望 She got frustrated with him,
因为他觉得他很有才 because she felt that he was enormously talented
他不该只为黛安和一家人 and was too willing to just do things
默默地付出 他有权过更光彩的生活 for the small audience of he and Diane and the family.
因为她太了解他 And while she knew him so well,
所以她喜欢他陪在她身边 she just so enjoyed his company.
我觉得这是女人的天职 对吧 And I think as women,we do that, right?
我们选择我们爱的那个人 It's that we choose the person we are in love with,
有时是那个人选择了我们 or sometimes it chooses us,
然后我们就把余生托付给他 and then there's the rest of life.
1978年的某一天 她对我说 In 1978, she came to me one day and she said,
『我拿到了戏剧《多伦多》的一个角色』 "I've been offered a part in a play called Toronto,
『剧组要来蒙特利尔表演』 "which is going to take place in Montreal. "
他问我『你觉得如何』 And she said to me,"What do you think?
『介意我去蒙特利尔待几个月么』 "Would you mind if I went off to Montreal for a couple of months?
『我不在家的时候照顾好孩子可以么？』 "Could you look after the kids while I'm gone?"
事实上 他对此事完全没有意见 In truth,he was more than agreeable.
他很开心 He was delighted.
就像多数婚姻那样 Like many marriages,perhaps most,
他们已经走到了七年之痒 this one had grown stale.
早些年的热情已经消退 The passion of the early year or two had long died.
他们要直面彼此生活方式上的不同 Their lifestyles were totally different.
黛安热爱派对 迈克尔则喜欢独处 Diane loved parties,Michael solitude.
迈克尔喜欢孤独 会一个人静静听音乐 Michael loved being alone and listening to music,
黛安则会忍不住跳舞 Diane danced to it.
她常抱怨他对她太过冷淡 She'd often complained of his coldness towards her,
不单指床事 and not just in the marriage bed,
还有他们相处的整个过程 but in all their time together.
他知道他让她失望了 He knew he disappointed her,
他不是她当年眼中看见的那个米克和弗兰兹 that he had never lived up to her earlier vision of Mick and Franz,
他知道自己永远不会成为那样的人 and he knew he never could.
爸 刚才那句 你可以重念一次么 Dad, can you just take that line back?
好吧 Yeah.
一点点小错误你们都能听出来是吧 You guys pick up all these little mistakes, don't you?
他知道他让她失望了 He knew he'd disappointed her,
他不是 that he had never lived up
她当年眼中看见的那个米克和弗兰兹 to her earlier visions of Mick and Franz,
他知道自己永远不会成为那样的人 and he knew he never could.
所以当黛安说自己可能 So when Diane mentioned the possibility of acting
要在蒙特利尔演出六七周的时候 for six or seven weeks in Montreal,
迈克尔内心狂喜 热情地鼓励了她 Michael was quietly ecstatic and openly enthusiastic.
去蒙特利尔演出 Part of going to Montreal and doing the play
对他而言也是避开她生活的一次休息 was get out of her life.
她不喜欢住在多伦多 She hated living in Toronto.
她喜欢蒙特利尔 或者其它什么地方 She wanted to live in Montreal or somewhere else.
因为她觉得多伦多是座保守的城市 She always thought Toronto was such a reserved city,
每个人都把工作看成信条 and everybody was so work ethic.
工作成了生活的全部意义而非赖以为生的手段 People lived to work,instead of worked to live,
与之相比蒙特利尔似乎要好得多 which has always been more of the Montreal kind of thing,
所以这对她来说也是逃离的一种手段 so it was a way of her getting away from that
她可以继续做她想做的事 在舞台上表演 and doing what she really wanted to do, which was stage.
可以和我们讲讲 Can you talk about the play
你们在蒙特利尔一起演出的那部剧么 that you were in together in Montreal?
是关于什么的 Can you describe what it was about?
是一部叫《多伦多》的剧 It was a play called Toronto,
关于一群试镜者的故事 and it was about a bunch of people auditioning.
我不记得... I can't remember the...
我不记得她 I can't remember what she did...
在这里演的是什么了 in this play.
我不记得剧情了 It was about as unmemorable as they get.
好像是一个有名的剧作家 The guy had written a lot of great plays,
然后他为了钱写了一部新剧 and I guess he needed some money.
他写的是他在戏剧界的 He was writing about his experiences
亲身经历 in the theater world.
我扮演他新作品的导演 I played the director of his new play,
韦恩·罗伯森和杰弗里·博斯 and Wayne Robson and Geoffrey Bowes
扮演两位来试镜的演员 played actors who came in to audition.
黛安扮演一位剧评人 And Diane played a reviewer.
我对她说『黛安 你就像一个...』 I said, "Diane, you're like a kid
『下课铃响就冲出教室的孩子 嘴里喊着“耶！”』 running out the door for recess,"going, "Yay!"
她当时就是这样 And that's what she was like.
这应该是她时隔多年又一次一个人巡演 It was her first time on the road on her own for a long time,
她非常享受这种久违的自由 and she just savored all of it...
她走进化妆间 走到台前 in the dressing room, on stage,
再走到台下 and then going out afterwards.
她跟我说『你来找我玩呀』 She said,"Come down and have a visit
『来看我的演出吧』 "and come and see the play. "
在我和她相处的时候 我记得最有趣的是 During the time that I was there,what was interesting,
她不停地谈论迈克尔 I remember her talking about Michael a lot,
因为迈克尔一直写情书给她 because Michael was writing her passionate letters.
然后 你也知道黛安的性格 她把信读给我听 And, being Diane,she read some of it to me,
我说 『黛安 这是你的隐私』 and I'm going,"Diane, this is private. "
但黛安就是这种人 But the thing about Diane is that
当下发生了什么事 what was happening in her life at the moment
她就会毫不避讳地与你谈论什么事 was what she talked about.
她和你说话的时候 你可以感觉到她的毫无保留 As she talked,it felt like this was everything,
仿佛是教堂的告解一样 that it was totally confessional,
你觉得你可以看见她生活的全部 and that you were hearing the full story of her life.
但我现在意识到 那只是她生活的一部分 But I realize now,it must have been a part.
她确实是个藏着秘密的人 So what I'm saying is that she had secrets.
排练进行到第二周时 迈克尔来探班 Michael visited her after the second rehearsal week
发现她比前些年 and found her more alive and happy
还要来得快乐 than she had been for many years.
他和她共处了两个晚上 He stayed with her two nights,
他们又开始做爱了 and they made love again
倾泻着因短暂分离而赎回的激情 with all the passion that separation often brings.
生活仿佛翻开了崭新的一页 Life was beginning again.
你明白的 这些只不过是幻觉 You know all about it,and you know it's a delusion.
就像小时候看的魔术 大人总会告诉你那是镜子制造的幻象 "It's all done with mirrors, mate,"they used to tell me.
是的 镜子 Yes, the mirrors.
一面能让你清楚看见自己的镜子 The mirrors in which you can see yourself clearly...
一面能让你看见 the mirrors through which you can see
内心深处的镜子 what you really look like.
黛安回到了迈克尔和多伦多的怀抱 Diane came back to her Toronto and Michael
重新和助手约翰尼一起 and went back full time into her casting business
做起了选角导演的工作 with Johnny as her assistant.
她和迈克尔的关系 Her relationship,on a sexual level at least,
至少在性欲方面迎来了新的春天 with Michael was really blooming again,
在分离一段时间之后 and after the long separation,
他们仿佛变回了新婚夫妻 they were almost like newlyweds.
几周后 她去看了医生 A few weeks later, she saw her doctor,
得知自己怀孕的消息 who confirmed her pregnancy.
她回家把这件事告诉迈克尔的时候 When she came home to tell Michael,
心里相当不安 she was clearly upset.
『我和医生谈过了』 "I've talked to the doctor,
『他说我这个年龄再生孩子可能有点危险』 "and the doctor says it's a bit dangerous because of my age. "
我说『那你打算怎么办』 I said,"So what are you going to do?"
她说『我正考虑去做人工流产』 And she said, "I think I should seriously consider having an abortion. "
我说『如果你想做掉的话』 I said, "If that's the way you feel about it,
『我也不说什么』 "that's okay with me.
『你做决定』 "This is your decision.
『那是你的身体 不是我的』 "It's your body, not mine. "
黛安说她觉得自己该把这孩子打掉 Diane said that she felt she should have the baby aborted,
因为他们可能也养不起更多孩子了 as they could scarcely afford another.
他有些失望 因为他很喜欢孩子 He was disappointed,because he did love children...
更别说是自己的孩子了 his in particular...
但他对于流产一事也没有提出反对 but he went along with the abortion idea.
黛安的哥哥 鲍勃 是位医生 Diane's brother, Bob,was a doctor.
我还记得当时我在办公室 I do recall being at the office
她打电话给我 when I got a call from her.
声音听起来很焦急 She was quite desperate,
她说她怀孕了 可自己今年已经42岁了 because she was about 42 and said that she was pregnant,
这孩子是个意外 that it wasn't planned,
她担心孩子会有唐氏综合症 that she was desperately worried about Down syndrome.
当时的我 我想 And at the time I was, I think,
是把一个生命看得比病人的选择更重要的 a bit more pro-life than pro-choice,
所以你妈妈打来电话的时候 so when your mother called,
我说服了她 I believe that I steered her
让她把孩子留下来 towards proceeding with the pregnancy.
黛安本来都在医院预约好了人流手术 Diane did arrange to go to the hospital for an abortion,
在往手术室走的时候 and we were actually on the way down
她改变了主意 when she changed her mind.
她突然说『我不能这样』 She suddenly said,"I can't go ahead with this. "
很神奇 是不是 Amazing, isn't it?
我是说 你差一点就不会出生在这个世界上了 I mean, how close we were to you never existing.
但是这一点就足以让你反对人工流产了吧 It's almost enough to make you a anti-abortionist, isn't it?
她当时很兴奋 因为一个新生命要降生了 She seemed excited,"cause it was something new.
她喜欢一切『新』的东西 你明白吧 She just loved new, you know?
『新』是她的追求 New was what she was all about.
如果 我说如果 If there's such a thing as,
灵魂有老旧与年轻之别的话 in that spiritual sense,old souls and young souls,
她的身体里一定居住着一个年轻的灵魂 she was a really young soul,I would say.
我不觉得你妈妈对怀上你这件事感到高兴 I don't think your mother was elated that she was pregnant.
我不觉得 I do not think so.
真的 我真的不觉得是这样 No, I do not think so.
真的 真的 I do not. I do not.
在萨拉出生之后 After Sarah's birth,
黛安和迈克尔没再同台演出过 Diane and Michael did not act together again
直到菲利普的《菲洛米娜》被搬上舞台 until the play Filumena by Eduardo de Filippo.
黛安扮演菲洛米娜 Diane was to play the title role
迈克尔扮演她的丈夫 with Michael as the husband.
选角的人里有人看过他们两人在《劫火余生》里的表演 Someone had seen them together in The Condemned of Altona
因此决定让他们再一次以恋人的身份 and had decided it would be nice to see them together
站上舞台 on stage once more.
这是一次善意的安排 It was a fine gesture,
他们也很高兴能出演这部作品 and they were delighted to do the piece.
《菲洛米娜》这部剧 Filumena was the play
便是电影《意大利式结婚》的前身 that became the movie Marriage Italian Style
马塞洛·马斯楚安尼和索菲亚·罗兰是电影的男女主角 with Marcello Mastroianni and Sophia Loren.
这是一个相当吸引人的故事 这两个人生活在一起 It's a fascinating story,because they've lived together,
她希望他能娶她 and she wants him to marry her.
告诉我 Tell me.
她 扮演的索菲亚·罗兰的角色 曾是个妓女 She, the Sophia Loren part,has been a prostitute,
在那段时间里 and somehow over that period of time,
他生下了三个男孩 she has had three sons.
他完全不知道他有三个儿子的事 He doesn't even know she has three sons.
而她是这么说的 And she says to him,
『我要你给我的孩子一个名分』 "I need to get you to legitimize my children.
『你愿意娶我么？』 "Will you marry me?"
他说『我为什么要娶你？』 And he says,"Why would I marry you?"
她说『因为其中一个孩子是你的』 And she says...
『噢』 "Oh. "
多米尼克试图确认哪一个孩子是他的骨肉 Domenico tries to find out which of the lads is his,
但他最终失败了 but he totally fails,
每个孩子与他都有着某些相似之处 since each is like him in some ways
而彼此又全然不同 and completely different in others.
在绝望中 多米尼克娶了菲洛米娜 In desperation,Domenico marries Filumena
这样他的儿子才能拥有一个属于自己的家 so that his true son can have the family he needs
也能延续自己的血脉 and a future that one of his blood deserves.
菲洛米娜的最后一句话是 Filumena's final words are,
『孩子只是孩子 他们都是平等的』 "Children are children,and they are all equal. "
就这样 黛安和迈克尔最后的演出谢幕了 And so Diane and Michael played out their final act together,
尽管他们当时都不知道 这是他们最后一次合作 though not knowing that it was just that.
当时有人知道她要死了么？ Did anyone know she was going to die?
我们都知道 Yeah, we all knew.
等等 你的意思是... Did anyone know she was gonna die?
她知道自己得了癌症的时候？ When she had cancer?
知道啊 你不知道么 Yeah. Did you know?
对 当时你还不知道 No, you didn't know.
她当时心乱如麻 She was just a mess.
她非常 非常 非常害怕 She was very,very, very frightened.
她的所有活力 With so much energy,all of her energy
都转化成了对未知的恐惧和难过 was going into her uncertainty and her fear and unhappiness.
当我拥抱她的时候 那感觉就像是握着... And when I hugged her, it was like holding a...
不知道你有没有用手抓住过一只小鸟 I don't know if you ever have held a bird in your hand,
你能感觉到它的恐惧 感觉到它在你手中的心跳 the way it's terrified and you just feel its heartbeat.
你明白我的意思吗？ Do you know what I mean?
她整个人都在颤抖 She was just shaking.
你觉得她当时知道自己快死了么 Did you get the sense that she knew she was dying?
是 Yeah.
她知道 Yeah, she knew.
我不觉得黛安清楚地明白自己会死 I don't think Diane ever fully realized.
我们从没谈论过这类话题 We never talked about any of the things,
因为我们觉得这种事不会发生 because we didn't think it was gonna happen.
当她做完最后一次手术回家之后 When she came out of that last operation,
我某天回家 看到她在花园里 I came home one day and she was out in the driveway,
拖着一张桌子 scraping down a table
打算给它重新上漆 so that she could repaint it for the house.
所以我觉得她真的没有去想这件事 So I think she didn't have any real sense.
我冲她说『你到底..』 I said to her, "What on earth
『为什么要到外头来整这张桌子』 "are you doing out here doing the table?"
她说『我们得把这些桌子都抬出来』 And she said, "We got to get all these tables done.
『这样才能重新上漆』 "Then we can have them all varnished
『把它们变成一个颜色的』 "the same color and everything. "
这根本不像是一个... That's not a person who's, as it was, turned out,
只剩下四到五周寿命的人 four or five weeks away from death.
这分明就是一个还在关心屋子好不好看的主妇 That's a person who's still planning how the house is gonna look.
随着癌症发展 她越来越容易累 As it progressed,she was more and more tired,
治疗在她身上施加的压力也越来越重 and the treatments were harder and harder on her.
她真的是拼死在抗争... Man, she fought like crazy,you know.
是场很大的追悼会 It just seemed like a really big memorial service,
上台致辞的很多人 and I just remember a lot of the people that spoke
似乎都在加拿大小有名气 were Canadian sort of celebrity people,
他们有些不是和老妈很亲近的人 not necessarily the people that were closest to Mom in her life,
不过我记得自己当时的感觉是 but I remember thinking as I was watching it,
『这追悼会排场真大』 "Gee, it's a good memorial service,
另外我还觉得 and I think it's kind of nice
在娱乐圈里混有个好处 to be in show business when you die,
就是来参加你追悼会的人都有一流的口才 because the people that speak are good at speaking.
她当年非常非常受欢迎 She was very, very popular,
所以你可以想象很多人到场的画面 so, as you can imagine, there were many, many people there,
但在我眼中这情景并不真实 but to me it was some kind of production.
我觉得自己在看一出规模很大的戏 I felt like I was at a big play or something.
在我的记忆中 老妈去世以后 I think, in retrospect, after Mom died,
爸变得非常消沉 Dad was depressed.
他看上去似乎和平时一样理性 He seemed very rational about it,as he always does,
但他开始一个人玩桥牌 but the whole thing about him playing solitaire all the time
变得比平时更加孤僻 and being even more isolated than usual
所有的这些都让我们觉得他崩溃了 all suggests that he just sort of shut down.
我去看他的时候 I mean, going to visit him
他一个人在玩桥牌 完全没有停下来的意思 when he would be playing solitaire and wouldn't stop playing,
就好像他想把整个世界都隔绝在外 as if he just wanted to shut the world off.
那种感觉很奇怪 It was very strange.
就像你走进了一间 It was sort of like walking into a home
年久失修 人气冷清的房子 of utter neglect and almost disuse.
我还记得 And I remember Dad
爸整天都在抽烟 just smoking all day.
他会因为你没有给狗狗喂食 And I remember him being very angry and upset
而火冒三丈 about you not taking care of the dog,
真的很奇怪 which was a little bit weird,
因为你当时也像是一个没人照顾的孩子 'cause you seemed like a little kid that nobody was taking care of.
那件事对我的打击很大 It really knocked me out,
而其他孩子都离开了家 and the other children had gone away.
一转眼 家里就只剩下你和我了 Suddenly,there was just you and I left.
我觉得自己很幸运 还有你可以照顾 Luckily, I had you there to look after
也可以被你照顾 as well as to look after me.
你当时几岁来着 11岁？ What were you, 11 then?
在接下来的几年中 我们的关系变得非常... The next few years,our relationship was a very, very...
非常好 那是我人生中最好的时光 a great period from my life.
我们之间建立了非比寻常的友谊 It certainly was an unusual relationship, too,
要知道这种事不常发生 in the sense it's not very often
一位父亲和他的小女儿 that a father and a daughter
会因为环境使然而变得如此亲近 are so close because of circumstances.
也是因为这样 比起你的哥哥姐姐 So in a way, I felt closer to you
我感觉自己和你更亲近一些 than I'd ever felt about the other children,
因为当年还有黛安陪在我身边 because there had always been Diane there as well.
突然间 就只剩下我和一个小女孩了 Suddenly, there was myself and this little girl.
我们就这样在一起过了四五年 There were four or five very close years we had together.
迈克尔还记得 在黛安去世后 Michael remembers a time or two after Diane had died
孩子们有一两次在周日时回家 when the children would come up for a Sunday dinner
与萨拉和他一同聚餐的情形 to join Sarah and him,
他记得 某天有个人说 and he remembers how one day someone said that Sarah
萨拉长得一点也不像她父亲 did not look at all like her father.
让我们再次回到许多年前的某天 It's time to go back many years once more.
约翰尼正在客厅 Johnny was working in the living room
做试镜的联系名单 on a list for a casting call,
他的母亲独自一人呆在书房里 and his mother was alone in the den.
他先是听见难过的说话声 Then he thought he heard something that sounded like distress
于是便忍不住凑近了一点 and found himself being unable to resist moving a little closer.
他在门外停住脚步 仔细地听着 He stopped, and he listened,
毫无疑问 她正在哭泣 and there was no doubt that she was crying.
我当时听见妈说她怀孕了 What I overheard was Mom saying that she was pregnant,
在考虑把孩子做掉 and that she was considering an abortion,
而且她不确定孩子的父亲是谁 and that she wasn't sure who the father was.
不管她在和谁打电话 我记得她谈论了 But I remember Mom,whoever she was talking on the phone,
和迈克尔在蒙特利尔度过的难忘周末 talking about this big weekend that she and Michael had had
他们的关系是如何得到了改善 and how it had reinvigorated the relationship,
在蒙特利尔的那个周末以后 and he started to write her all these love letters
他寄给她很多情书 after the weekend that they had in Montreal.
但毫无疑问 It was clear that you had been conceived
妈是在蒙特利尔表演时怀上的你 while Mom was in Montreal.
他又偷听了一会 He listened for a while longer
带着惶恐不安的心情回到客厅 继续手头的工作 and then hurried guiltily back to his work in the living room.
他没有向人透露一个字 这件事就这么过去了 He said nothing,and so the event passed,
约翰一直藏着这个秘密 and John kept it all to himself
直到上一代的许多人都入了土 while an entire generation went to their graves.
我想我刻意地遗忘了这件事 I guess I'd kind of blocked it.
我不再去想这件事 I guess I'd stopped thinking about it,
因为我不知道这有什么意义 because what good is it going to do?
我们家当时已经够乱了 The family was a big enough mess already.
在妈去世了很多年之后 Years later,when I was in my 20s,
大概在我二十几岁的时候 long after Mom had died,
安妮·提特提到了 Anne Tait mentioned something about somebody in Montreal
妈妈在蒙特利尔演出时遇到的一个人 when Mom was in Montreal for that period of time.
约翰尼有一次把我的话给套出来了 Johnny once led me into talking about that.
关于这件事我口风还是看得挺紧的 Because I think I was quite tight-lipped about it.
我当时认为 戏里的一个演员 I thought that this actor in the play
可能是孩子的父亲 might have been the father.
你的父亲 还是这样说比较好 Your father, let's say it.
不然会让人觉得她是个不检点的女人 It makes it sound as if she was terribly promiscuous,
事实上 我觉得她并不是那样的人 which, in fact,I don't think she was.
但我觉得她应该想到过这个可能性 But I think she did consider that it was possible
这个男人可能是孩子的父亲 that it could be this other guy.
所以... And so at some point...
因为我们过去常在周末时一起吃饭 because we used to often have dinner together on weekends...
应该是约翰尼先说的 probably Johnny started by saying,
『你看起来一点也不像你父亲』 "You don't look much like your father. "
我觉得是约翰尼 I think it was Johnny.
我一直想说是约翰尼 I want to say it was Johnny.
而现在回想起来 约翰尼他 And now in retrospect that I know that Johnny
应该是我们中第一个知道这事的 was the first of us who knew, it must have been Johnny.
我当时很蠢地把这件事告诉了马克 I stupidly mentioned it to Mark,I thought.
我律师跟我说我不是非得回答你的问题 My lawyer has said I don't have to talk to you,
那我就不往下说了吧 and so I'm not gonna say anything more.
我记得约翰尼和我说 I remember Johnny saying
有人觉得 你的亲生父亲可能是 that someone thought that your father
和老妈一起演出的一个人 might be someone that Mom had acted with in a play.
我跟他说千万别和别人说这事 I told him not to say anything to anyone,
结果他们把这变成了一个笑话 but then they turned it into a joke.
我不算是参与了那个笑话吧 算么 And I did not participate in the joke, did I?
我不觉得 I don't think I ever did.
我记得我们当时开玩笑说你长得不像老爸 I remember we talked about how you didn't look like Dad,
而老爸也拿这个开玩笑 and Dad joked about it.
我当时想『她哪不像我了』 I always thought,"She does look like me.
『那高鼻梁和我一模一样』 "Got that little straight nose.Yeah, definitely.
『就是小孩子胡闹呢 不过还挺好玩的』 "This is all nonsense, but it's fun.
『你觉得这个礼拜的爸爸是谁啊 萨拉？』 "Who do you think your father is this week, Sarah?"
这个玩笑像滚雪球般越变越大 And the joke got bigger and bigger,
我们会把你和那三个演员一一比较 because we'd each compare you with one of these three actors.
他们都认识这三个演员 They all knew of the three actors in question,
会拿他们性格里 and had much fun with the characteristics
和萨拉相同的部分开玩笑 that they had in common with Sarah.
萨拉笑得很开心 Sarah laughed.
大家都笑得很开心 They all laughed,
这种比较逐渐成了固定的欢乐节目 and the comparisons became a recurring source of amusement.
是汤姆 韦恩 还是杰弗呢？ Was it Tom or Wayne or Geoff?
可以再念一次吗 If you could just take back that one line.
行 是汤姆 韦恩 还是杰弗呢 Yeah.Was it Tom or Wayne or Geoff?
你还记得你说的那个 Do you remember the name of the actor in the play
可能是我父亲的演员的名字吗 that you thought might be my father?
当然 当然记得啦 Yes. Of course,I remember his name.
你要我说出来吗 Do you want me to talk about that?
如果你不介意的话 If you're comfortable.
这应该要看他介不介意吧 Well, it depends on whether he's comfortable, I would think.
杰弗·博斯 It was Geoff Bowes.
他们觉得是杰弗·博斯 The thinking was that it was Geoff Bowes.
我记得 是个叫杰弗·博斯的演员 There was, I guess,an actor named Geoff Bowes.
杰弗·博斯 Geoff Bowes.
所以这部电影接下来都会这样么 That's what the film's gonna be like.
杰弗·博斯 "Geoff Bowes. "
约翰尼装出一副她曾经提到 Johnny pretended that she'd mentioned Geoff Bowes
杰弗·博斯和外遇的样子 and an affair with him,
于是我就说『哦 好吧 我跟你说吧』 and so I said,"Well, okay, I'll tell you.
『她确实和我说过』 "Yes, she did tell me. "
你现在还记得我刚才的话么 What do you remember me saying?
我可是把自己都交到你手上了啊 I trust you more than I trust myself right now.
于是我打开《名人面对面》 At that point, I opened Face to Face with Talent
看着杰弗·博斯的照片 心想 and looked at Geoff Bowes' picture and thought,
『哦 是啊 真的』 "Oh, yeah, for sure.
『她真的好像他』 "Look how much she looks like him,
『他个子不高 他是红发』 "and he's short,and he has red hair. "
而你出生时头发就是淡红色的 And you were born with bright red hair.
我猛地想起当时老妈非常在意 I instantly flashed back to Mom making a huge deal
你是红头发这事 about you having red hair.
这就和你撒谎的时候 It's like when you're lying about something,
会不停地强调假话一样 you overplay it?
她总是不停地说 She had gone on and on
萨拉是红头发这事太奇怪了 about how weird it is that Sarah has red hair.
『太怪了！』 "It's so odd!
『可能是我堂妹玛格丽特安妮是红发的关系吧』 "I guess my cousin Margaret-Anne has red hair. "
这事突然就闪回到我的脑海中 And that struck me,
接着我看见他一头红发的照片 and then I saw him with the red hair,
所以我想... and I really did think...
我当时真的觉得这是真的 I really thought it was true.
有时候 我真的开始相信那是真的 So at some point, I think I did start to believe it was true
开始想是不是该有人把真相告诉你 and thought someone should say something to you.
我记得我们几个人凑在一起讨论过 I feel like we all had a discussion about it at some point,
当然 不包括你 "we all" being everyone but you.
约翰尼说我是个大嘴巴 And I think Johnny said I had a big mouth
我可能会把这事告诉你 and that I was probably gonna tell you or something.
我和他说『我觉得我们应该告诉她』 And I was saying,"I think we should tell her. "
现在 让我们把时间向前推进一点 Now, I think we should leap forward to a point
在黛安去世几年后 several years after Diane's death,
晚餐桌上的那个陈年笑话 when the jokes with her family round the dinner table
似乎也不再好笑了 were not so funny,
当话题开始变得严肃 and since it went further
而多伦多剧团里那个可能的父亲 and named the member of the cast of Toronto
身份正日渐明朗 who was her possible parent,
她觉得是时候迈出关键一步了 she decided it was time to take the plunge.
她打电话给杰弗 问他可不可以见面 She phoned Geoff and asked if they could meet.
你打电话来... You called...
我们安排了见面 and we arranged to meet,
你问我当年在蒙特利尔发生的事 and you wanted to know about that time in Montreal.
我当时把手搭在你的肩上 心想 I remember putting my arm around you,and I thought,
『哦 天啊 希望我没做得太过』 "Oh, boy, I hope that isn't too forward or something. "
我开始想起你问我的那些事 And I remember recounting some of the same tales.
那些我遗忘了很久的关于黛安的事 I hadn't really thought about Diane for a long time,
我当时心里挺难过的 so I recall being pretty sad.
从我18岁起 就总有人说 So, since I was 18, there was this rumor
你是我的亲生父亲 that you were my biological father.
这事听起来是不是很奇怪 It's been this bizarre thing.
我总在想 到底是从什么地方传开的 It's like, how that rumor began,where did it come from?
所以我就想问你一下 And I just wanted to ask you about that.
你和我妈在交往过程中发生过『那种』事情吗 Was there ever anything romantic in your relationship with Mom,
还是说你们只是普通朋友 or was it always just friendship?
我们只是普通朋友 Uh, it was friendship.
我还记得你说... I remember you saying...
你说那句话时我很惊讶 being surprised at you saying,
『我们家里的每个人都知道』 "It's common knowledge in my family that, uh, my...
『我妈当时爱上你了』 "that my mom was in love with you. "
我当时很吃惊 And I was taken aback at that.
我觉得有点触动 I was touched.
杰弗坚持说 Everything Geoff said suggested he was certain
黛安没有对迈克尔不忠 that Diane had stayed faithful to Michael.
但她脑中的疑问之种仍在生长 But that seed of doubt had grown even larger in her mind.
她觉得他是一个可爱 坦诚 慷慨的人 She thought he was a lovely,open,and generous person,
但她也觉得他藏着秘密 and yet she felt he was hiding something.
但她又一次放开了追问的那条线 But, once again, she let the story lie.
这个谜团仍然没能解开 And so the conundrum remained just that.
一天 她在多伦多偶然遇见一位蒙特利尔的制作人 One day, she chanced to meet a Montreal producer in Toronto
提到自己要去蒙特利尔几天 and mentions that she's going to Montreal in a couple of days,
那位制作人说『你到蒙特利尔以后』 and the producer says, "While you're there,
『可以和哈利·高金见个面』 "you might want to meet up with Harry Gulkin.
『他也是位电影制作人』 "He's an important film producer
『在你母亲做选角导演时与她合作过』 "that your mother worked with as a casting director
『或许可以帮助你了解下你母亲的事』 "and can probably tell you more about your mother in those days. "
萨拉很高兴 And Sarah is very pleased.
对自己出生前母亲的生活 She always likes to hear
她总是充满好奇 about her mother's life before Sarah's birth,
同时她也觉得 and she also realized that this Harry
哈利可能 may be able to shed more light
会对母亲是否和当时的剧组成员有外遇一事 on the possibility of her mother having had an affair
略知一二 with a member of the cast.
所以她拨了哈利的电话 And so she phones Harry
问他是否愿意和自己聊聊 and asks if she could get together with him for a chat.
嗨 萨拉 谢谢你主动与我联系 Hi, Sarah,and a warm welcome.
艾妮说你想见我 Arnie Gelbart told me you would like to see me.
正好我也想见你 That's good,because I would love to see you.
今天下午我会在办公室 I can be reached in my office this afternoon,
或者你可以在白天时发邮件给我 or email me here during the day.
嗨 哈利 Hi, Harry.Great to hear from you.
我一直记得我妈总是用仰慕的语气谈论你 I always remember my mom talking about you with such affection.
很高兴终于能和你见面 It'd be great to finally meet you.
下午3：45有空到Ex-Centris外喝杯咖啡么 Would you be free at 3:45 to meet at Ex-Centris for a coffee?
他同意了 He agrees,
几天后 他们在一家餐馆见了面 and a couple of days later,they meet in a restaurant.
接下来发生的事 What happens next is what I can remember
我只能回忆起与萨拉有关的部分 of Sarah's relating the event.
你说你一直很想见我 and you said that you had wanted to meet me
因为你的母亲常常提到我 because your mother had talked about me a lot.
接着我们又聊了很多 And then we talked about a million things.
你说你十五岁时不得不退学 You told me how you had quit school at 15,
最主要的一个原因是 and that one of the dominating reasons
你当时的政治立场 was your politics at the time
以及你打算加入阶级斗争军的行列 and your desire to join the class struggle.
我觉得这很有意思 That struck me as very interesting,
因为我曾经做过一模一样的事 because I had done exactly the same thing.
在那次谈话后 我们的关系变得很好 And we became very close during that conversation.
我们在彼此身上找到了许多共同点 We found a whole number of things in common
情感 反应 回应他人的方式 in terms of feelings, reactions, response.
我记得你说 第一眼见到他 And I remember you saying,as soon as you met him,
就觉得有种莫名的安定感 you felt at ease with him in a certain way,
也正是因为这种安定感 and because you felt so at ease with him,
让你决定问他是否知道 you had decided to ask him if he knew anything
杰弗·博斯是你生父这一说法的真实性 about this rumor about Geoff Bowes being your dad.
你问他『你有没有听说过』 You asked him the question,"Have you ever heard anything
『我妈在蒙特利尔演出时有了外遇』 "about my mom having had an affair while she was in Montreal?"
你抬起头来对我说 You looked up and you said,
『你觉得是杰弗·博斯么？』 "Do you think it was Geoff Bowes?"
我说『不』 So I said, "No. "
你又说『那你知道是谁么？』 She said, "Do you know who it was?"
我说『我知道』 And I said, "Yes. "
『我知道杰弗·博斯不是你父亲』 "No, I know that Geoff Bowes isn't your dad. "
你说『你怎么知道？』 And you said, "How do you know that?"
他说『因为我才是你父亲』 And he said, "Cause I'm your dad. "
他说『可能 而非也许』 He said,"It's possible, not probable. "
你在电话里就是这么和我说的吧 I think those were the exact words you said to me on the phone.
是么 Were they?
他说『我以为你是因为这个才来找我的』 He said, "I thought that's why you wanted to speak to me,
『因为你妈妈和我之间的事』 "because your mom and I had an affair. "
『事实上 她是和我外遇了』 "In fact, she had an affair with me. "
我说『是我』 And I said, "Me. "
你愣了一下 So you stopped for a moment,
又说『你现在还这么觉得么』 then you said, "Do you still think so?"
我说『在和你聊天...』 And I said, "After talking to you
『近距离看着你将近三小时之后 我可以确定』 "and looking at you for close to three hours, yes. "
我说『你觉得呢？』 I said, "What do you think?"
而你说『嗯 我也觉得是这样』 And you said, "Yeah, I think so, too. "
萨拉哑口无言 Sarah is speechless.
他本想知道更多关于杰弗的事 She's come all this way to find out about Geoff,
却意外地和母亲的情人共处了一下午 and now she's sitting with her mother's lover.
那是1978年2月底的事了 It was late February of 1978.
我当时心情有些沮丧 I was sort of mildly depressed...
隆冬时节 无所事事 孤身一人 midwinter, nothing to do,living alone...
我就决定去中央剧院看戏 and I decided to go to the Centaur Theatre
大卫·费那里奥的新剧正在公演 to see the latest production of David Fennario.
我刚进去不久 So I went down there,and after a minute,
演员们就登台了 as the cast came on stage,
出现在眼前的一位女士让我呆住了 I was transfixed by this glorious lady who was on stage.
是完全被迷住了 Really just bowled over.
戏落幕的时候 我仍然觉得很害羞 When the play was over,I still had certain reserves of shyness,
从头到尾我都在害羞 which still remain,
所以我没有去后台 so I didn't go backstage,
而是打算睡前 and I decided to have a nightcap
去那家『三驾马车』小酒馆喝一杯 at what I considered then my geriatric bar, the Troika.
我点了杯饮料 I ordered a drink,
酒吧里放着伤感的俄罗斯三重奏 and they had a schmaltzy Russian trio,
五分钟后 and after about five minutes,
刚才舞台上的那位女士 who walks in but this lady who had been on stage
和其它剧组演员一起走了进来 with some other cast members,
我心想『哦 上帝啊』 so I figure, "Oh, my God,"
我便起身混进了那群人当中 and I sort of sidled into the middle of the group,
不时地开口 and I was able to inveigle myself
插上一两句话 into the conversation to some degree,
我试图找到和黛安单独说话的机会 and I did try to separate Diane from the group.
但一小时后 我放弃了尝试 But after about an hour, it really was hopeless.
这种事不会发生的 It wasn't gonna happen.
黛安离开『三驾马车』的时候 When Diane left the Troika,
我跟上了那一群人 I walked with them and with her,
我问黛安是否能单独说句话 and I was trying again to separate Diane,
她的回答是『不』 and she said, "No,
『不过我们可以明晚再见』 "but we can meet tomorrow night. "
在剧组留在蒙特利尔演出的剩下的日子里 We met every night after that for the remainder of the run,
我们每天晚上都会见面 感觉彼此被对方强烈地吸引 and there was a very strong mutual attraction...
那种感觉非常 非常强烈 very, very powerful thing.
哈利每天都会等在楼梯下面 Harry would be down at the bottom of the stairs,
我们都呆在剧院二层 we were in the upstairs theater,
化妆间也在那上面 and our dressing room was up there,
他让我想到那些旧百老汇电影里 and it made me think of stage-door Johnnies
守在剧场外的狂热粉丝 from those old Broadway movies.
我记得他有次问我『黛安在上面吗？』 I remember once he asked,"Is Diane there?
『可以麻烦你上去和她说我来了吗？』 "Could you go and tell her that I'm here?"
然后我就上楼说『哈利来啦』 And, you know, bound back upstairs,say, "Harry's here. "
她说『好』 然后就一溜烟跑下去了 "Okay," and then run back down the stairs.
我就喊『她下去啦！』 "She's coming. "
哈利对她的热情相当炽烈 Harry developed this great,grand passion for her,
他有一次对我说 and I think of Harry turning to me and saying,
『她是不是很完美？』 "Isn't she wonderful?
『是不是很有魅力？』 "Isn't she amazing?"
我觉得这太有意思了 And I just found this highly amusing,
他是一个相当精明 工于世故的男人 because I understood that he was a super-smart, sophisticated man
对电影圈的一切了如指掌 with all kinds of connections to the film business,
但他和我谈话的话题却总是关于 but his main topic of conversation with me
黛安有多么完美 was the wonderfulness of Diane.
这一点我是赞同的... Which was...I agreed with him,
但这些话在听过几次之后自然就腻了 but it becomes thin in terms of conversation material after a while.
当你这样爱一个人的时候 你会变得极度自私 When you're in love like that,you become utterly selfish.
他人的感受不再重要 Nothing that's happening to anyone else matters at all
或者说 你不会再考虑他人的感受 or is a matter of any consideration.
你变成了一只野兽 You just end up sort of
专注 霸道 focused, intense,
只想吞下爱情的猎物 and just wanting to consume the object of your love,
周围的一切仿佛都不复存在 and nothing else exists.
在他们排练的时候 我来探班过一次 I visited once during the rehearsal period,
首演当夜我也在场 and then I think I went up for the opening night.
我想哈利当时应该也在那里 I guess Harry would have been there.
但他那天没有和她上床 因为那天和她上床的是我 But he wasn't sleeping with her that night, "cause I was.
很有意思 不是吗 It's funny, isn't it, though?
在那场派对上 几个女人走到我跟前 At that party, a couple of women came up to me
指责我对黛安是多么的不好 and started hectoring me about how badly I treated Diane.
『你知道吗 你让她失望透了』 "You really put her down an awful lot, you know. "
我很震惊 I was quite stunned.
之前从没有人... Nobody before had ever...
在我面前说过这些话 come right out and said that.
我当时陷入了沉思 I think certainly I began to think through this conversation,
『是 她们说的也许是对的』 "Yeah, they're probably right.
『我让她失望了 我是个糟糕透顶的人』 "I am an awful person for putting her down,
『如果她丧失自信』 "and if she lacks confidence,it may well be
『那也许是我以前无意中说的某句话所导致的后果』 "because of some things that I have said in the past. "
我突然想『或许她们知道这件事』 And suddenly I thought,"I wonder if they knew about it. "
黛安可能和她们说过 Diane had probably talked to them about it,
她正考虑离开我 that she was thinking of leaving me,
因为我总在无形中打击着她的自信心 "cause I was not much good for her confidence.
或许她们的话有三分警告的意味 And maybe they were sort of half warning me
想让我明白当时的情形 what was going on.
在她回多伦多之前 Before she went back to Toronto,
我让她带着孩子搬来蒙特利尔 I asked her to move to Montreal and to bring her kids here.
当时的情况很复杂 It was complex and difficult.
她很爱自己的孩子和丈夫 She had this passionate attachment to her kids and to her husband,
但她也很爱我 and she also had this attachment to me,
而我疯狂地爱着她 and I had an attachment which was completely crazy.
我被爱情冲昏了头脑 完全昏了头 I was besotted,just utterly besotted,
而她是那样充满生命里 and she was so full of life,
你只想靠近她 and you just wanted to be there.
只想靠近她 You just wanted to be there.
这种感觉太疯狂了 I mean, it was wild.
你说如果我们真的同居会怎么样？ How it would had been had we been living together,
其实我也不知道 I really have no idea.
你不知道靠得太近的两人可能会... You don't know what kind of clashes can...
发生怎样的摩擦 can develop,
尽管我怀疑我们或许可以过到一起去 although I suspect that it would have been okay.
我觉得我们应该可以 I know it would have been okay.
我们两个人 我和哈利 Both of us, both Harry and I,
都遇见了一个 met a person who was
厌倦了她当下的生活 bored with her life as it currently was
想要寻求刺激的人 and wanted something more exciting.
她有提起过自己的第一段婚姻么 Did she talk at all about her first marriage?
我不记得太细节的东西了 I don't remember any of the detail,
我知道他们吵架很厉害 日子越来越难挨 except that it was very acrimonious and exceedingly difficult,
失去孩子的抚养权也对她造成了很大打击 and her great distress over losing the kids.
可以讲一下 Can you tell the story
我妈和你爸之间的关系如何吗 of Mom's relationship with your dad?
他们结了婚 They were married,
我不清楚她对他感情有多深 and I don't know how deep her feelings were for him,
但他对她用情很深 but his feelings were deep,
这样的关系让人感觉不适 and it's awful to be in a relationship
因为这个人爱对方的程度 where one person loves the other
远胜过对方爱自己 much more than the other person loves them,
在所有的爱情关系里 and in every relationship,
双方的爱或许都不是对等的 I think one person loves the other person more,
但 幸运的是 这种差距很小 but, hopefully, it's close,
幸运的是 这种差距是会逐渐变化的 and, hopefully, it goes up and down a little bit,
但在我看来 but it seems to me
爱情里永远不存在平等的概念 you never can both equally love each other the same amount.
这个不幸的事实恰好就是生活的真谛 It's unfortunate,but it's just a fact of life.
乔治是妈妈的父母 George was the kind of guy that Mom's parents
会很喜欢的那类人 would have been very happy with.
因为他有钱有事业 He had money,and he had a good job.
我一直觉得她太早嫁给他 So my sense has always been that she married him early,
她嫁给他 and she married him
只是因为他和她门当户对 because he was the kind of person she was supposed to marry.
我觉得我爸对她管得多了一些 I think my dad was really controlling,
而我妈一直很想摆脱这种束缚 and Mom wanted to get out from underneath that.
她不想活在任何人的影子里 She was always trying to get out from under anything
任人摆布 that she felt controlled her
或是替她规划自己的生活 or made her feel like her life was very regulated.
我们都有这样一种共识 We all feel that way.
每到扔垃圾的日子我都有这样一种感觉 I feel that way every garbage day.
每次我需要把垃圾拿出去的时候 Every time I have to take out the garbage,
我就会想『哦 天哪』 it's just like, "Oh, my God. "
这种例行公事会让你觉得生活被强加上了刻度 It makes you realize you're just marking time,
就像是... and it's just one of those things that...
事实上 现在我都让男朋友倒垃圾 In fact, I make my boyfriend take the garbage out now.
这样我就不用去想这事了 Then I don't have to think about it.
促使她离开 The trigger,the thing that compelled her
第一段婚姻的契机 to leave then and there,
应该是她第一次体会到了爱情的滋味 was that I think she really fell in love,
也许她人生中第一次意识到 and maybe realized for the first time in her life
自己的未来可能是什么样的 what her life could be.
我想这是一种自救 I think she saved herself.
漂流海上的她抓住了一个救生浮标 I think she grabbed on to a life buoy.
这样的决定是为了让自己有勇气生活下去 I think she made a choice to live.
我真的 真的这样觉得 I really, really do.
迈克尔就是那个浮标 And that was with Michael.
她和我爸大吵了一架 She left my dad in the middle of a fight,
把结婚戒指扔到雪地里 threw her wedding ring in the snow,
从家里走了出去 第二天又回来接我们 walked out, and then came back the next day to get us,
我爸把家里的锁全换了 and my dad had changed all the locks.
关于行为不检 我是个现行犯 From misbehavin",I'm in the red
毫不令人意外 我一定没法结婚 Hardly surprising,I'll never be wed
所谓行为不检 不过是算计手段 Instead I'm misbehavin',saving my revenue
最后 乔治得到了孩子的抚养权 Ultimately, George got custody of the kids,
这在六十年代是前所未闻的 and that was unheard of in the '60s,
新闻还上了报纸头版 and it was front-page news.
显然这是加拿大首例 And it was apparently the first time in Canada
女性丧失孩子抚养权的案子 that a woman had ever lost custody of the kids,
因为她和另外一个男人在一起了 and it was because she left for another man,
这不是『端庄女性应有的行为』 and she wasn't "ladylike. "
国家太大 百姓太小 # Ramifications for massive nations
课税一重重 经济跑不动 # Involve taxation and then frustration
我这样诚实的女孩 究竟该怎么办 # What is an honest girl to do?
我是热锅上的蚂蚁 # I'm in a stew
我被迫站街 来平衡赤字 # I walk the streets to balance the sheets
生活重回正轨 阳光却不明媚 # My books are neat and on the beat again
难道行为检点 能抵大堆账单？ # I'm misbehavin' to pay my IOUs
漏了一句词 I missed that line.
我只记得 突然间 母亲就从我们生活中消失了 I remember all of a sudden my mom not being around,
我还记得大人在哭泣 and I can remember adults crying,
我当时不相信大人也是会哭的 and I couldn't believe adults would be crying.
看见我妈双手抱膝 蜷缩着 Seeing my mom with her knees pulled up to her chest,
一个人摇晃着坐在那里 just rocking back and forth.
我有些懵懂地意识到『最糟糕的事已经发生了』 I knew as a child,"The worst thing has happened.
『我不知道是什么事 但这的确是最糟糕的事了』 "I'm not sure what it is,but the worst thing is happening. "
我知道 会有其他人 And I knew that there were other people
来决定我的命运 who were gonna decide what happened to me
和我妈的命运 and what happened to my mom.
对此我无能为力 I had no control.
从没有人问过我们这个问题 如果有人问 We were never asked,"cause had we been asked,
我们肯定会说『我们想和妈妈一起住』 we would have said,"We want to live with our mom. "
我们两个人都会这么说的 For sure, both of us would have.
那个年纪的孩子所需要的就是这些 At that age, that's what you want.
我们一个月和妈妈见一次面 We'd have visitation with my mom once a month,
但我们和老爸一起住 but we lived with my dad,
也找过两三个人来照顾我们 and there were a couple of caregivers.
其中有一个是个年纪挺大的女人 她虐待我们 One of them was an older woman who was physically abusive.
一个虐待我们的后妈 A successive step-mother who abused us.
这句话你可以留着 我无所谓 You can keep this in, too. I don't care.
我记得那时候妈妈开车送我们回家 I remember when Mom used to drive us home,
她得向我们告别的时候 when she'd say good-bye to us all the time,
她会一直哭 she would cry and cry.
很多年以后我们回忆起这些 And I remember years later reminiscing back on that,
想起她不住地哭泣 我们也会哭 how she would cry and cry, and we'd be crying,
我们必须告别 进屋去 and we'd have to say good-bye and go into the house,
我们不想走 and it was like, we didn't want to leave,
因为我们还想和她呆在一起 "cause we wanted to be with her.
这些事会把你慢慢吞噬 But I would think that would just eat away at you
一天天地 every day of your life, right,
因为你错过了那么多和你孩子在一起的时光 that you missed so many moments with your kids.
都是快乐的时光 对吗？ And that's the happy stuff, right?
错过了那些快乐的时光 但是... You missed the happy stuff, but...
更进一步地说 into that that you'd miss...
最终她发现 that she would have found out ultimately
她错过的不仅是这些 that she not only missed that,
同时也错过了... but she wasn't there to pr...
她没能在那里保护孩子们 She wasn't there to protect them.
这样做父母真的很难受 It's really bad being a parent.
真笨 Stupid.
因为你真的... 'Cause you're really, you know...
真的... You really, uh...
想到自己的孩子正在受到伤害 The thought of your kid getting hurt
而你不能去那里保护他们 and you not being there to protect them...
你知道事情只能是这样 you know that's gonna happen,
但妈妈肯定这样想过 but Mom must have thought,
“我都做错了什么才变成今天这样？” "What did I do wrong that led to this?"
所以我想这件事的影响肯定是很严重的 So I think the impact must have been terrible
让她一直都感觉很伤心 对吗？ and must have made her sad all the time, right?
或许这就是我觉得... And maybe that's also what I sort of pieced together in...
我以为她一直让自己忙忙碌碌地是因为 in making this assumption that she was just keeping busy
要让自己忘记这些痛 to forget the pain.
你能感觉到她对于自己失去了孩子们 Did you get a sense that she felt guilty
而感到愧疚吗？ about the loss of her kids?
是的 Yes.
噢是的 Oh, yes.
我觉得这些事带给了她很多不安全感 I think that it lodged a certain level of insecurity into her,
也是这些让她决定 which I think had some bearing on her decision
不来跟我一起生活 not to come live with me.
她不可能没有挣扎过 I can't imagine that she didn't struggle with it,
但事实是 她有一个家 but there was the fact that there was a house
有好几个孩子 会要她留下 and a bunch of kids living in it that would have kept her,
我猜因为这些她才感觉 and I guess she would have felt
为了孩子们留下来才是正确的选择 that that was the right choice for her children.
或许对她自己来说也是这样 And maybe for her, too.
或许她仍旧希望着她和爸爸 Maybe she still hoped that her and Dad
可以重新爱上彼此 would fall in love again or something.
我们在蒙特利尔初次见面的几个月之后 A few months after we had first made contact in Montreal,
她给我打电话来说她怀孕了 she phoned me and she told me that she was pregnant,
并且她认为 孩子的父亲是我 and she said that she thought that I was the father.
她告诉我的是 What she communicated to me,
或者我听出来的是 一种兴奋 what I got from her, was almost a thrill.
所以她和迈克尔的关系 So in terms of the relationship with Michael
和家庭的关系 都让她沮丧 and the house, she was upset.
但和我在一起 她很兴奋 In terms of the relationship with me, she was thrilled.
我想这会帮我更快地追求到她 I thought that would help me in my cause, in my pursuit.
我是说 就算没有这个孩子 I mean, quite apart from the anticipation of a child,
我也感觉好事将近了 I felt, well, this is a quiver in my bow.
现在我们已经超越了婚外情的关系 I mean, we have more than an affair to deal with.
我们有孩子了 We have a child.
你出生以后 And when you were born,
她寄了照片给我 怀里抱着婴儿 she sent me that picture, holding you as a tiny infant,
后来又寄来了你单人的照片 and then she sent me a picture by yourself
在你一岁的时候 when you were one year old.
后来 因为公务我经常来多伦多 Subsequently, business brought me to Toronto quite frequently,
所以我能经常去 见到戴安 so I was there quite often, and I would see Diane.
她也还算频繁地去蒙特利尔 She would come to Montreal reasonably often.
戴安把我介绍给她所有的朋友们 Diane would introduce me to all her friends,
所以我们的恋情可以说是很公开了 so our affair was a pretty open thing,
因为你也会需要这些 because you need that, too,
对于恋情来说 你会需要这些的 and somehow you want that in terms of a love affair.
需要见证人 You need witnesses.
需要他们来见证你们的关系 You need witnesses which sort of confirm you.
我觉得... I think it was...
他们还是很慎重的 It was very discreet.
我不认为这是众所周知的吧 I don't think it was really common knowledge.
有一些人知道 I think there were a number of people who knew,
但没人聊起来过 but nobody ever talked about it.
我告诉过她我绝不会跟人说起此事 I told her I would never discuss it with anyone,
我也确实没有 and I never did.
我做出了承诺 她也是我的好友 I promised, and she was my buddy,
所以我是绝对不可能 and there was no way on God's earth
聊起这件事的 I was gonna talk about it.
我不能这样做 I couldn't do that to her.
所以当时情况很尴尬 So there was this strange situation
我们的恋情已经公开 of an openness of an ongoing affair,
持续了有差不多两年 which went on for, I believe, a couple of years
分隔蒙特利尔和多伦多两地 in Montreal and in Toronto,
但却没有进一步发展的可能 and yet no possibility of it ever developing into anything more.
越来越清楚的事实是 What became clear at a certain point
你会跟着迈克尔和戴安一起长大 was that you were gonna grow up with Michael Polley and Diane,
而且 and there was not only no point,
给你的生活造成阴影不仅没有必要 而且是个错误 that it would be absolutely a mistake to cast a shadow on that.
她在几个方面都处理得很好 She operated on all these levels.
对所有人都很诚心 She was loyal on all these levels.
她有这种力量和能力 I think that she had the strength and the ability
对所有人都很诚心 to keep all her loyalties going.
所有人 All of them.
异地并没有帮到我们 The distance didn't help.
但反过来说 异地也让感情更强烈 But on the other hand, to some degree, it intensified it,
因为这里面会有一种期待 because there's the longing that was involved,
我想 我们互相爱着彼此 有很长时间 and I think that we remained in love for a very long time.
我记得 在戴安的葬礼他们说 I remember at Diane's funeral they said,
“谁都可以发言，” "Anybody can speak,
“如果你想发言，完全可以” "so if you want to speak, you can speak. "
我觉得这主意太蠢了 "That," I thought, would be very stupid.
“我以什么身份发言啊？” "In what capacity I should speak?"
所以我没有 So I didn't.
葬礼结束以后 我上前去 When it was over, I went to say my farewells
跟家人们告别 and good-byes to the family,
我双手抱住迈克尔 and I went to put my arms around Michael,
我感觉到 在我手中 他一动不动 and I felt that he froze in my arms,
似乎很不舒服 that he was uncomfortable with that.
那时候我就想 或许迈克尔已经知道 That's what made me think that perhaps Michael really knew,
或许她告诉过他了 perhaps she told him.
什么？ What?
你记得当时见到哈利了吗？ Do you remember meeting Harry there?
他当时不在吧 对吗？ I don't think he was there. Was he?
- 应该是的 - 他当时在？ - Think so, yeah. - Was he there?
嗯 Yeah.
我当时没见到他 No, I didn't meet him there.
我记得安·泰特 I remember Anne Tait,
她是举办各类仪式的专家 who was the master of ceremonies.
她说到戴安的时候 说 She was speaking of Diane, and then she said,
“你们也知道有时候戴安会到处调情” "And, you know, sometimes Diane was a flirt,
“但她的心是一直属于迈克尔的” but her heart belonged to Michael. "
在活动结束之后 我离开 On the way out after the ceremony,
你的姑姑安 迈克尔的妹妹 她告诉我 your Aunt Anne, Michael's sister, said to me,
“看见没 哈利？她的心是属于迈克尔的” "You see, Harry? Her heart really belonged to Michael. "
所以那也打消了我 So that sort of put pay to my sense
进一步联系波利一家人的想法 of any further contact with the Polley family.
倘若我还有一点感知 If I ever had had any sense that I should,
我都应该全身而退 I figured I really better back right off,
我也是这样做的 虽然这让人非常沮丧 which I did, but I found that very upsetting.
她的离世让我难过 I found her dying upsetting,
在诸多事情面前我的无能 then I found my inability in those circumstances
没有来个好好的告别 没有去亲力亲为 to do a proper farewell and to be part of it
我都感到很难过 很后悔 something that I felt bad about and regretted.
不管何时哈利提起戴安 Whenever Harry spoke of Diane,
一开始 他提到她生了一个女儿 from the beginning, he mentioned that she had had a daughter
是他们恋爱的结晶 as a result of their affair,
所以我一直有这个印象在 so it was always in the background,
但这么多年以来他从未见过你 but all those years that he never saw you,
也从未提起过 it was never discussed.
不管何时我看到你的报道什么的 Whenever I'd see articles about you or anything,
我都会问，“哈利，你看了这篇报道吗？” I'd say, "Harry, did you see the article?"
让他知道最近你都发生了什么 just so that he'd be aware of what was happening,
但他那天去见过你以后 回到家里 but the day when he went down to meet you and came home,
好像整个世界彻底变了 it was like the world changed.
能和你重新有了联系 他非常高兴 He was so happy he could have a relationship with you,
和你在咖啡馆见面之后 他的世界彻底改变了 so his whole world changed after that cafe meeting with you.
这么多年来都一直没有发生的 Through all the years that that never happened,
但他也从未抱怨过 从未说过“我真希望...” he never complained, he never said, "I wish. "
我甚至不认为他自己这么想过 I don't even think he said it to himself.
他只是想，“如果不行，” He just... "If it's not gonna happen,
“如果我也无能为力” "if I can't do anything about it,
“那么就装看不见吧” "I don't see it.
“就当不存在” "It does not exist. "
他就是这样走过来的 That's the way he lives.
然后你回了多伦多 And then you went back to Toronto,
我们开始疯狂地互相写邮件 and we began almost a frantic series of email exchanges
想继续维持父女关系 about continuing the encounter.
当时感觉很强烈 There was an intensity,
这种爱的感觉 很强烈 just really an incredible intensity of affection, of love.
就像... I mean, it was...
逐渐了解你以后 这种强烈才慢慢平复 Having gotten to know you, much of that has dissipated.
虽然不再强烈 但... It's gone away, but...
但当时真的... But it just was really...
嗨哈利 能见到你真高兴 Hi, Harry. It was great to meet you.
真的很开心 多棒的见面 A complete pleasure and quite an occasion.
之前我从未想过这会是如此重要的见面 I had no idea it would be so eventful.
我真的当时是后来才想起 It was really just an afterthought
要问你关于妈妈私人生活的问题 to ask you about my mother's personal life.
和你一起聊天很轻松 It just came out of feeling very comfortable with you
我就想，“为什么不问问他知道什么呢？” and thinking, "Why not ask him what he knows?"
能知道这么多 我很高兴 And then what a delight to get so much information.
希望我们可以保持联系 I hope we can stay in touch.
能和你共度时光真好 It was so great to spend some time.
现在我该看看关于你的纪录片了 （《哈利·加尔金：大路上的黎明》） Now I'll watch the documentary about you.
在这种情况下 What a handy tool in a situation like this
这么一张关于我生父的有教育意义的DVD 是多么地有帮助啊 to have an educational DVD on your previously unknown biological father.
挺滑稽吧 Hilarious.
从共产主义者到商人再到文化事业 Making his way from communism to commerce to culture,
哈利丰富的人生经验 Harry's many lives sometimes feel
就像小丑服的填字游戏 like the crossword patches of a harlequin costume.
我第一次见到哈利的时候 他是电影制片人 When I first met Harry, he was a film producer,
《父亲的谎言》（1975） and Lies My Father Told Me
赢得了当年金球奖的最佳外语片 had won Hollywood's Golden Globe for Best Foreign Film.
泰德·阿兰的剧本提名了奥斯卡奖 The script by Ted Allan was nominated for an Oscar.
《父亲的谎言》 Lies My Father Told Me
给了正在雏形中的加拿大电影产业 gave the fledgling Canadian film industry
一份艺术上和行业上的肯定 artistic and professional credentials.
你好 萨拉 Hello again, Sarah.
我坦白 我们的重逢 I confess our encounter
现在也是我生命中最大的事 has stayed uppermost in my consciousness, too.
情感也有所冲撞：有发现的快乐 The emotions are conflicting: joy at discovery,
有带着悲伤色彩的美好回忆 sweet memory obscured by sadness,
当然也有担心 and some concern as to how this reasonable,
关于这次很确凿却没有证据的事情 对你和你的家人造成的影响 but unproven assumption might affect you, as well as your family.
我们真的需要抽点时间好好讨论 We really need to take some time out to discuss this.
与此同时 我还有个疑问 Meanwhile, I suspect it would be prudent
关于不对外公开这件事是否是谨慎的选择 not to broadcast this putative discovery.
如果那样 你就没有遵从戴安的意愿了 In that respect, you would not be following in Diane's footsteps.
她本人显然是很乐意的 She was apparently very pleased with the idea
毫不犹豫地告诉了他人 and didn't hesitate to share it with some others.
比争议更重要的是 What is beyond dispute
我们已经成为了亲密的朋友 is that we have become close and loving friends.
嗨 Hi there.
我也很乐意进一步讨论 I would love to discuss this some more.
我和我的哥哥约翰尼说了 过程挺有意思 It's been interesting talking to my brother, Johnny, about it.
我们都很担心如果爸爸发现会怎么样 We're both tremendously afraid of my dad finding out.
这会彻底毁了他的 我觉得 It would destroy him, I think,
所以我坚决认为不应该让他知道我们的交谈 so I'm quite resolved to not let him know about our conversation.
但是 我也在考虑 我自己确实很想确认一下 However, I have been thinking that I'd really love to know for myself.
我不知道为什么 但如果问题不得到回答 I'm not sure why, but it feels like an odd question
会觉得它当时的提出就很奇怪吧 to not have answered once it's been raised.
当时萨拉就提出 一个DNA测试 Now was the moment when Sarah suggested that a DNA test
就会给所有问题一个最终的答案 would settle the matter once and for all.
哈利先是反对 说自己要考虑一下 Harry resisted and said he'd like to think it over.
他在担心 He was worried what effect
这件事会给迈克尔和他的家人带来怎样的影响 it would have on Michael and his family
如果哈利真的是亲生父亲 if it turned out that Harry was the father,
并且他也不确定自己会怎么想 and he wasn't too sure how he would feel
如果迈克尔是生父的话 if Michael turned out to be the sperm donor.
为了避免这些伤害 为什么不保持现状呢？ To save all hurt, why not leave things as they are?
爸 那一句可以再念一次吗？ Dad, can you take that line back again?
嗯 Yeah.
为了避免这些伤害 为什么不保持现状呢？ To save all hurt, why not leave things as they are?
你来做DNA测试的那个周末 The weekend you came to do the DNA test,
你走了进来 当时情况就好像... you walked in the door, and it was kind of like,
“我们先把口水吐这棍子上吧” "Well, let's put the spit on the stick first
“快点搞定它” "and get it over with. "
我想这是我们做的第一件事 I think it was one of the first things we did.
你进来 坐下 You came in, you sat down,
拿着棍子 两个人都采样 get out the stick, you both spit.
再把棍子交掉 所以我们当时 You put 'em in, and so we got that
是带着笑声做完这件事的 out of the way with lots of laughter.
然后你应该是在我们办公室呆了一会儿 And then I think you were staying in our office,
凯茜给了哈利一张照片 她笑得很开心的 and Cathy had given Harry a picture of herself with a big smile,
我把照片放在他桌上 and I had put it on his desk.
你看到照片 就说 And you look at the picture, and you said,
“噢我的天哪，我们的嘴简直一模一样！” "Oh, my God, we've got the same mouth!"
我就跑进来 看到照片 So I ran in, and I looked at the picture,
看看你的笑容 再看看凯茜的 and I looked at your smile, and I looked at Cathy's,
我就想 这一定是真的 and I thought, "You know, this is gonna work.
“这就是一家人啊” "This is the same family. "
在2007年1月22日礼拜一 On Monday, January the 22nd, 2007,
萨拉的人生永远地改变了 Sarah's life changed forever.
她打开挂号信 看到了结果 She opened the registered letter and read the results.
结果说 哈利·加尔金是萨拉·波利的亲生父亲 It recorded that Harry Gulkin was Sarah Polley's biological father,
鉴定结果准确率99% and that the test results were 99% certain.
99.97%的概率 99.97% sure.
那种程度的可能性啊 That was the level of probability.
我甚至都没有试着去揣测她的想法 I won't even try to guess what her thoughts were
不知她是如何接受这个事实的 as she digested that stunning discovery.
整整28年都接受着这样的事实 是很长的时间 28 years of sitting on something like that is a long time,
而终于能够确认这真的是真的了 and having the ability to know it indeed is true
绝对是天大的快乐 was just sheer delight.
欣喜若狂 Exuberance.
“百分之99.9997%的概率我是她父亲，耶” "It's 99.9997 sure. I'm her father. Yay. "
我的说法这就是“蜜月期” I use the expression "the honeymoon period. "
一句话，“人生太美好了” Nothing but, "Isn't life wonderful?"
等了太久了 A long time coming.
嗨 萨拉 Hi, Sarah.
一有机会我想马上就去多伦多 I want to get up to Toronto as soon as feasible
就在接下来的几个礼拜 during one of the next few weekends
这样我能介绍凯茜认识她的妹妹了 so that I can introduce Cathy to her kid sister,
如果你想的话 that is, if you're up for it.
我也理解 现在这件事 It is understood that all of this will be done
还不能给所有人知道 with the understanding that the news is not for general consumption.
而对我来说 我的心在跳舞 As for me, my heart is dancing.
萨拉 对我来说 你就是快乐的代言和化身 Sarah, for me, you're the bearer and the incarnation of pure joy.
爱你的 哈利/爸爸 Love, Harry/Daddy.
我打开门 你就站在门口 I opened the door. You were at the door.
你当时穿着 And you were wearing
跟我一样的标志性的汗衫 the identical sweatshirt I was wearing.
那衣服我还从没见其他人穿过 I have yet to see anyone else wear that sweatshirt.
然后 当然的 你笑了 And then, of course, you smiled,
我就看到了那标志性的露牙床的笑 and I saw the identical gummy grin that I have
其他人也很少有的 that I haven't seen on very many people, either.
我就想“我们有相同的基因，这是肯定的” I went, "Yeah, we share DNA, that's for sure. "
我觉得我们表达自己的方式也很相似 We express ourselves, I think, in a really similar way.
我们会晃动手臂 傻笑个不停 We wave our arms around, we giggle a lot,
我们还发现 我们可以畅所欲言 and then we realized that we could talk our heads off
持续好多个小时 for hours and hours and hours and hours
一直都会有话题 and never run out of things to say.
嗨 哈利 我还在想着上个周末 Hi, Harry. Still thinking about the weekend.
能见到凯茜 和你们共度周末 真好 It was so great to meet Cathy and spend some time with you.
我觉得我们的“逾越节计划”都在按想法进行 I think our Passover plans are all in order.
这是我第一次写这个词呢 First time I've ever written that.
对于我父亲 我有很奇怪而强烈的负罪感 I'm having a strange onslaught of guilt about my dad in all this.
要理清它 一点都不容易或者简单 Sorting it through, but it's not at all easy or uncomplicated,
正如你提醒过的一样 as you warned.
我肯定时间会让事情更明白和简单 I'm sure time will make things clearer and easier.
期待着再次见到你 Looking forward to seeing you again soon.
没有什么能改变她对迈克尔的爱 Nothing could change about her love for Michael
或者那些突然变成了 or for those who had suddenly become
同母异父的哥哥姐姐们 half-sisters and half-brothers,
但现在她有了全新的同父异母的兄弟姐妹们需要认识 but now she had an entire new half-family to get to know.
在收到结果以后不久 Soon after reading that registered letter,
萨拉就把这个消息告诉了她的哥哥姐姐们 Sarah tells the news to her brothers and sisters,
于是是否应该把这件事告诉我成为了新的问题 and the question whether I should be told is now raised.
似乎只有马克认为我是可以接受的 It seems that only Mark felt I could handle it,
但大家一致认为 but the consensus was
真的没有必要冒这个险让我感到难过 that there really was no need to risk upsetting me,
我不知道这件事 生活也可以继续下去 and life could continue smoothly with me in ignorance.
能不能谈一谈 Can you talk about the impact
这件事对我们家的影响？ that this news had on our family?
我不觉得我们家有什么变化 I don't get the sense that much changed in our family.
噢 除了这个 我们后来全都离婚了 Oh, except that we all got divorced.
忘了这个 不好意思 Forgot about that. Whoops.
家里的三个女儿都离婚了 Except all three daughters got divorced.
对啊 有道理哦 Yep. Good point.
有道理 Good point.
是啊 天哪 我想我们都... Yeah. God, I guess we all...
我们对这件事的反应很有意思 We all had interesting reactions to it.
我觉得马克的反应是另一种 I feel like Mark worked the other way.
他很努力地让自己的家庭变得更加稳固 He worked to solidify the family he had,
而我们三个女儿选择了逃避 and we three daughters hightailed it.
除了这一点 没什么特别的 So, other than that, nothing.
这件事确实从某种程度上改变了 It does sort of make you alter the way
你看待婚姻的方法 that you look at your relationship.
这样的事实让我们看到了其他的真相 A truth like that that opens up kind of begets other truths,
当你发现了这些 and when you discover truths like that,
你对这件事引发的结果的想法就被隐瞒了 how you think about truths within that are concealed.
我想 任何一件事 I suppose, as much as anything,
你听说一个人做了这样的事 when you hear about someone doing that
打破了所有规矩 and breaking the rules,
它打破了忌讳 会让你想 it breaks a kind of taboo, and it makes you think,
“我们都在同样的问题里挣扎” "We're all struggling with the same kinds of problems,
“看看她惹的这些麻烦” "and look at the mess she got into
“还试着装作一切都没问题” "trying to look like everything was okay. "
我觉得 这件事最难接受人的是马克 It seemed to me like it was difficult for Mark.
他最大的感觉是 I think the biggest thing with him I got
对妈妈很失望 was that he was disappointed in Mom.
你有这感觉吗？ Did you get that?
我觉得就是这样 I think that was it.
他很失望 还有点吃惊 He was disappointed and sort of surprised,
我觉得我没有 and I guess I wasn't.
我觉得我的感受是 I think the main thing that I felt
在听到哈利这件事以后 after hearing the news about Harry
我对妈妈是持批评态度的 was my feeling critical of Mom
我觉得她不仅仅是有了婚外情 and thinking how she didn't just have an affair.
想必也是非常鲁莽的 因为没有采取节育措施 She was reckless, presumably, in terms of birth control,
最终导致有了孩子 and ends up having a baby.
她如此失控 是多么疯狂的一件事啊 To think how crazy it was of her to be that out of control,
这情况多让人害怕啊 有了孩子 it's a pretty scary scenario, the idea of having a kid
生父是其他人 that belongs to someone else biologically,
并且还要继续生活下去 and you have to try to carry on your life,
对自己的至亲隐瞒这个事实 hiding that fact from the people you're closest to.
如何去撒谎 是很复杂的 The complexity of lying about it,
以及对生活造成的压力 都让人害怕 and the stress that that would put on your life is a bit terrifying.
这真是告诫我们在婚外情的时候要注意节育措施啊 It's a real lesson about birth control
如果没有其他意义的话 when you're having affairs, if nothing else.
多谢了 Thanks a lot.
那我们都会好得很了 And then we'd all be better off.
就像《生活多美好》一样 It's like This Is a Wonderful Life.
噢不对 那电影刚好相反 对吧？ Oh, no, it was the reverse, wasn't it?
那是九月中旬 It's the middle of September,
萨拉去了蒙特利尔 拍摄《无姓之人》 and Sarah went to Montreal for the shoot of Mr. Nobody.
只有很短的时间来考虑 Little time in all that to consider
是否该告诉我DNA测试的事 whether she should tell me of the DNA test.
萨拉当时正扮演一位年轻的尼安德特女子 Sarah is on set shooting a scene as a young Neanderthal woman.
我经常做这样的梦 在史前的某个时间 I often have this dream. Some prehistoric time.
我能听见你的尖叫 I can hear you screaming.
我追赶狗熊 你不再害怕了 I chase the bear, and you're not afraid anymore.
萨拉当时正 Sarah is sitting around
化着妆 戴着尼安德特人的假额头 in her makeup and prosthetic Neanderthal forehead
然后接到一个多伦多记者的电话 when she gets a phone call from a reporter in Toronto.
他告诉萨拉说他刚刚得知了这个消息 He tells her that he's just heard the story
她发现了失散的亲生父亲这件事 of her discovering her lost biological father
想要在多伦多的报纸上报道 and would like to run it in his Toronto newspaper
来询问她对此事的看法 with her reaction to this amazing discovery.
萨拉震惊了 Sarah is appalled.
她还没有告诉我 并且那个时候 She has not told me, and at this juncture
她也不确定是否要说 is not sure that she ever will.
她开始哭起来 She begins to cry
乞求记者不要登这报道 and begs the reporter not to run the story,
因为她还没告诉自己的父亲 because she's not yet told her father.
记者说这是令人开心的事 The reporter points out that it's a very happy story,
没必要哭 and there's no reason to cry about it,
但萨拉哭得更凶了 but Sarah cries even harder.
她拿着手机跑到街上 She runs out into the street with her cell phone
好不让剧组的人发现 so that no one on the set will see her,
她跑到一个公园 找到长椅坐下 and she crosses to a park and seeks refuge on a bench.
在那里她继续求那个人不要登报道 There she begs the man not to go ahead,
至少等到她联络到父亲之后 at least until she's contacted her father.
电话打完 萨拉还继续哭了几分钟 Sarah continued her cry for some minutes after the call,
然后她注意到有很多人 and then she noticed that a considerable number of people
在看着她 were looking at her,
她就想起来蒙特利尔人还是很不一样的 and she recalls thinking how different Montrealers were
跟多伦多人比起来 from their Toronto counterparts,
他们要是看见一个年轻姑娘流眼泪 who, observing a young girl in tears,
会装作什么都没看见 would have pretended it never happened.
她回到摄影棚 想洗掉脸上的泪痕 She went back into the studio to wash her tear-stained face,
眼前是这样一个尼安德特女人 and there was this Neanderthal woman,
在镜子里瞪着自己 staring at her in the mirror.
你看 你就是没法把喜剧面具完全抛下 You see, you just can't keep the mask of Comedy at bay.
看着悲剧的面具演得正欢 It watches old Tragedy doing his bit,
一不留神 and the moment he lets his guard down,
喜剧老兄就跳了出来 old Comedy turns up the corners of his mouth.
但这正是一个预警 事情是不可预见的 But it was an alarming and unforeseen turn of events,
萨拉现在也知道了 and Sarah now knew
她必须告诉我一切 that she would have to tell me everything.
萨拉终于给我写了一封邮件 Sarah was at last able to email me
说她24号礼拜四那天离开蒙特利尔 that she was leaving Montreal on Thursday the 24th,
想来我这里喝杯茶 and that she would like to come round to my place for tea.
礼拜四到了 我收拾好了桌子 Thursday came, and I cleaned off the table
还稍稍努力地收拾了一下屋子 and made a bit of an effort to clean up my living space a little.
我甚至还打了苍蝇 这很少见的 I even swatted my fly, which is rare.
在这房子里 苍蝇通常都是我的好伙伴 Flies are frequently my companions in this loft.
它们一直一次只飞来一只 They invariable arrive only one at a time,
我会尽力让它们舒舒服服的 and I do my best to make them feel comfortable.
我已经说过了 我不是一个擅长社交的人 I told you already that I'm not a particularly sociable person.
毫无疑问地 我更善于跟苍蝇交流 There's not doubt that I'm more at ease with flies,
或者至少说是孤独的苍蝇 or at least solitary ones.
我必须承认 我会跟它们说话 I must confess that I talk to them,
它们不能回话我也不觉得难过 and I'm not at all discomforted by their failure to reply.
它们也很孤单 跟我一样 And they're alone, like me.
抱歉打断了 Sorry about this digression,
但我希望这能让你知道 but I hope it'll give you some idea
萨拉来之前我打了苍蝇 是很大的牺牲 of the sacrifice I'd made with my swatter before Sarah's arrival.
她到了以后 我让她在桌子前坐下 And once she got here, I made her sit down at the table
我马上就开始说今天的主要娱乐 and went right into my main entertainment to the meal,
是安娜·克里斯蒂的故事（尤金·奥尼尔的戏剧） which was the story of Anna Christie,
因为它我开始示范醉酒的样子 which led to my demonstration of the acting of drunkenness
在整个20世纪中戏剧中 throughout the 20th century.
头天晚上 我看了嘉宝的第一部有声片 The night before, I'd seen Garbo in her first talkie
里面还有玛丽·杜斯勒 along with Marie Dressler,
她演得很棒 and I found her acting fascinating.
你也知道 我可以继续 You know, I can go on
聊这些表演的话题聊好几个小时 about these thespian matters for some hours.
茶和米布丁已经摆在桌上了 So, the tea and the rice pudding were already on the table
在萨拉面前摆了好一会儿 她才有机会开口说话 in front of Sarah before she got a chance to speak.
你当时坐在桌子对面 And you were sitting on the opposite side of the table from me,
现在在等我说完 obviously waiting for me to finish,
但我以为你没有什么要紧事要说 but I didn't think you had anything important to say.
我以为我们只是聊聊天 I thought we were just gonna chat,
所以等我终于快要说完的时候 and so when I finally got to the end of my story,
你说，“我今天过来的原因是” you said something like, "The reason I wanted to come and see you
“有重要的事情要对你说” "is that I have something kind of important to tell you. "
于是你开始讲这件事 Then you started into the story,
花了好一阵子才说到最终的真相 and it took you quite a while to get to the moment of truth,
如果真相是合适的词的话 if we can use that expression.
道出真相的一刻 我突然认识到 That great moment of truth when I suddenly realized,
“我的天哪 她在说什么” "Oh, my God, what she's saying
“是说我不是她的亲生父亲啊” "is that I'm not actually her biological father. "
我坐着 害怕地沉默着 I sat there in abject silence,
就像萨拉当时 as Sarah must have done
发现哈利是自己父亲的时候一样 when she found that Harry was her father.
思绪不断地涌入我的脑海 Thoughts ran in and out of my mind.
“这不可能 不可能” "That's impossible. It couldn't be.
“我在做梦” "I'm dreaming. "
我目瞪口呆 I was quite stunned.
天哪 我们开了这么多年玩笑的事 My God, all this stuff we'd been joking about for years,
竟然是真的 it's actually true.
我好一阵才缓过来 It took me a while to recover, and...
我记得当时我说... And then I remember saying...
“哈利？哈利·加尔金？” "Harry? Harry Gulkin?"
你说的是 And then you said something like,
“但这不代表会有什么变化，对吗？” "But it doesn't make any difference, does it?"
我说，“这的确不会有什么变化” And I said, "No, it doesn't make any difference at all,
“对你和我来说” "not to you and I,
“我们之间的关系” "in terms of our relationship.
“还会和以前一样” "It's still exactly the same as it was before. "
我记得 你走到桌子这边 And then I remember you came round the table
用手抱住我的肩膀 说 and put your arm round my shoulder and said,
“我真高兴这件事不会让我们有什么不同” "No, I'm so glad it doesn't make any difference, does it?"
我说 And I was, uh...
我觉得有趣的是 I thought it was funny.
这是我们几年来最亲密的一次了 That's the closest we've been in quite a few years,
你抱住我的肩膀说 to put your arm round me and say,
“爸，没有什么会不同” "Dad, it doesn't make any difference. "
我之后应该还问了你一些其他的问题 And I suppose I asked you a few more questions then about it,
因为你跟我说的一切都太不可思议了 because it was a tremendous story you were telling me,
那么多的巧合 and so many little coincidences
和怪事都一起发生了 and strange things had happened.
突然地 我开始认识到 And suddenly, I began to realize,
“天哪 这是个很棒的故事啊” "My God, this is a great story.
“这是个非常棒 非常棒的故事” "This is a great, great story. "
我是说 我喜欢写作 但无法下手 I mean, I enjoy writing, but I can't get started,
因为对于自己要写什么 我没有什么好点子 because I never have any ideas about what I want to write about.
自从这件事发生 它给了我灵感 And since this came up, it started me off,
我发现这些吸引人的故事 realizing how many fascinating stories
都在一个人自己的生活里 there are to be told in one's own life
而不用费力去寻找 without having to try to look
外部世界的故事 for what's an interesting story outside.
我发现 这是个了不起的故事 I began to realize what a remarkable story
是她赋予我的 she had thrown into my lap.
渐渐地 我对整个故事有了大概轮廓 Gradually, I began to build up a picture of the whole thing,
关于戴安的过去 和我自己的行为 and so much of Diane's past and of my own actions
以不同的角度呈现 appeared in a different light.
这些事启发了我内心的执着 The revelations had awoken an obsession in me
把这故事告诉每一个愿意倾听的人 to tell the whole story to anyone who would listen.
我对写作的热情逐渐增加 My growing enthusiasm for the narrative itself,
同时我也对自己的过去不断重新评价 as well as the constant re-evaluation of my own past,
我把自己锁在房间里整整两天 drove me around my room for two days,
到了礼拜六 and then on Saturday,
我终于给萨拉写了一封邮件 I was finally able to send an email to Sarah
总结了我的想法： with this summary of my thoughts:
我亲爱的萨拉 My dear Sarah,
过去的24小时内 我的大脑在飞快地运转 my mind has been racing over the past 24 hours.
把我的想法尽可能都写在纸上 我希望 Getting as many of my thoughts down on paper will, I hope,
让那疯狂的思维稍稍休息 stop that feverish mental pursuit
并把事情全部从我的角度叙述 and put it all into what is my perspective.
不管我们怎么做 我们都不能怪戴安 Whatever we do, we must not put any blame on Diane
那些发生在1878年的陈年往事 for those events that took place in 1978.
当时我们结婚已经超过10年了 We had been married then for over ten years,
我们的婚姻也并不完美 and our union was not a perfect one.
她已经遭受了生活的重创 She had already experienced one major disaster in her life
经历了一次失败的婚姻 with the breakdown of her first marriage
以及失去了两个孩子 and the subsequent loss of the two children
她深爱的孩子们 that she loved so much.
现在她又被困在一个没用的丈夫身边 And now here she was stuck with a husband who was useless
无法让她感到他需要她 at making her feel wanted,
所以她去蒙特利尔排戏的时候 and so when she went to Montreal to do Toronto,
她爱上别人可以说一点都不令人吃惊 it's scarcely surprising that when love was expressed
爱情降临了 她也接受了 and then offered to her, she took it.
我一直这么告诉她 说应该去找个情人 I'd always told her she should take a lover
只要她觉得我不够好的时候 any time she felt me inadequate,
只要她不会 just so long as she did not think
离开马克、乔或者我 of leaving Mark and Jo or me.
当然 她根本也没想要离开前两个孩子 Of course, she would never have left another two children,
我也不会和她争夺抚养权 and I would never have disputed her claim for custody,
所以我只是在担心自己的将来而已 so it was clearly my own future that I was worried about.
所以就发生了她和哈利的恋情 And so we arrive at the affair with Harry,
并且 也并非没人预料到的是 它发生在 and, not unexpectedly, it took place at the same time
正好我去蒙特利尔看望她的那一两次同时 as I made one or two visits to see her in Montreal.
那两次看望 我和她做爱了 During those visits, I made love to her,
似乎又找回了激情 and there was something of a renewal of the passion
感觉就像我们刚刚在一起一样 we felt when we first lived together.
戴安肯定是吓了一跳 我猜 Diane must have been taken aback, I would guess.
哈利一定提议过 Harry must have proposed
说他们应该一起住 that they live together at some point,
她一定在我们之间挣扎过 and she must have been torn between us,
因为我似乎突然又变成了 since I suddenly seemed to be
她曾经深爱的那个迈克尔 the old Michael that she once loved so much.
“爱情这么短” "Love is so short,
“遗忘那么长”，聂鲁达的诗这么说 "forgetting so long," Neruda wrote.
哈利当时一定很失望 Harry must have been very disappointed
当她回到多伦多的时候 when she returned to Toronto,
我也很遗憾 and I'm sorry for that.
但她确实回来了 But return to Toronto she did,
我们三个又和她继续快乐的生活 and the three of us were happy to have her with us again.
然后她发现自己怀孕了 And then came the discovery that she was pregnant.
对我来说 这是开心的好事 For me, it was joyful.
而她一定感到很烦恼 For her, it must have been agonizing.
你看 这一切的痛苦 Look, the terrible thing
她承受的所有的精神压力 about all the mental anguish she underwent
就是她不知道我会作何反应 was that she never understood what my reaction would have been
假如她把一切都告诉我 if she'd told me the whole story.
我相信当时我会告诉她不用担心 I do believe I would have told her not to worry,
我也准备好去接受 and that I was quite ready to accept
做一个可能是也可能不是的爸爸 the ambiguity of the parentage.
但再一次地 我失败了 But here again, I had failed.
为什么我们一直有谈心 Why is it that we talk and talk,
或者至少我有在谈 or at least I certainly do,
而无法表达自己真实的想法？ without somehow conveying what we're really like?
一开始是什么驱使你写出 So what compelled you initially to want to write
自己角度上看的这个故事？ your version of the story?
我当时在考虑... Well, I was contemplating...
已经考虑了一段时间了 I had been contemplating for some time...
写一本自传 writing a memoir.
我认为这是个很好的故事 I became persuaded that this was a strong story,
可以用很多方式来叙述 which could be told in many different ways,
它有很好的结构 but which had a very, very strong structure,
因为它有一个整整30年的空白 because it skipped a 30-year period
一代人的空白 and skipped a generation.
有一种特别的力量 一种连续的感觉 That it had a particular strength and a sense of continuity
遵循回忆 而又 with respect to memory and moving forward
不断地发展着 from one situation to another.
所以这是一个充满着大喜大悲的故事 That it was a story with great sadness and great joy.
你也建议说我们可以在多伦多见个面 And you suggested at one point when we met in Toronto
我们可以分头写自己版本的故事 that we each write our version of it,
最后给对方看自己的 and then we would show it to each other at the end
或许会有所帮助 and might do something with it,
但故事是开放性结局 but that was left pretty open-ended.
所以后来我写了一篇6页长的概要 So then I subsequently did write the six-page summary
关于戴安和我们见面的背景情况 of the background with Diane and us meeting.
哈利写了一篇文章 Harry had written a piece
关于他和你还有戴安的关系 about his relationship with you and Diane
以及和你是如何父女相认的 and the discovery that you are father and daughter,
有人建议他拿去发表 and someone suggested that he publish it.
你反应十分激烈... You reacted very, very strongly...
非常非常激烈 very, very strongly to it.
非常生气 难过 You were enraged, and you were very upset.
嗨 哈利 Hi there, Harry.
我想我仍旧很困惑 关于你为什么如此坚持 I suppose I'm confused as to why it's such a pressing issue for you
想要把这个故事公之于众 that this story be public when it is already known
它已经被我们爱的人 爱我们的人了解了 by everyone we love and everyone who loves us.
我也说了 我父亲仍旧需要时间 As I said, while my dad has had some time
来接受这个消息 to deal with the news,
他还没有告诉他的朋友们 he has not yet had to tell his friends
也没有回答任何直系亲属以外的人的问题 or answer any questions from anyone outside of his immediate family.
个人空间和隐私对他来说很重要 This space and privacy has been important for him,
我也会坚持尽可能久地保护他的这些权利 and I believe strongly in protecting that for as long as possible.
对我来说 这情况跟过去很像 In my case, it goes back to a somewhat parallel situation
我和戴安交往的时候 during my relationship with Diane,
她的朋友都知道 which was open to her friends,
但其实是完全不公开的 but in fact was utterly constrained
因为她当时还是已婚妇人 by the reality of her marital situation.
当时我觉得很压抑 And I found that at the time oppressive.
我觉得这次我感到了一样的... I guess I have felt in this sort of a bit of a...
像回响 an echo.
我觉得压制、抑郁 I felt constrained, inhibited,
困在了我和你这样的关系里 and sort of pinched in my relationship to you
因为我们认为这是一件私事 because of the private way in which we were dealing with it.
气氛变得有些沉重 The atmosphere got a little heavy there.
变得沉重是因为 It got heavy because we were sort of building
我们是在误解上增加误解 misunderstanding on top of misunderstanding,
在误解方面我们还都挺厉害的 and we both proved to be very capable in that respect.
我们之间变成这样 我很难过 I was upset that this thing had gotten up between us.
我想要继续写的念头 My taste or desire to do it at that point
已经不在了 really was no longer there.
“这没什么意思了 只是在引来麻烦事” "This is not fun anymore. It's just creating problems. "
所以最终 我放弃了 我退了一步 So eventually, I dropped it, and I backed off.
把这个故事出版对你有什么吸引力？ And what was it about having it published that attracted you?
我觉得... Well, I think...
我觉得一个写东西的人... I think anyone who writes anything...
或者做任何创作的人 都会想要公开自己的作品 Anyone who does anything wants to bring it out to the public.
如果有一个好故事 If there's a story to be told,
是一个合乎情理的 能让人产生共鸣的故事 and if the story has some validity and some resonance,
那么你不会想只留给自己 then you don't keep it to yourself.
有蜜月期 There was the honeymoon period,
也有困难时期 there was the difficult period,
我可以听出你们对话中的语气 when I would hear the tones of voices on the exchanges,
有紧张感 that there was tension.
所以这样一个完美的父女关系 So this is in this perfect relationship,
完美的爸爸 完美的女儿 the perfect papa, the perfect daughter,
一切都很完美 却变得不完美了 everything's perfect, and it's no longer perfect.
嗨 哈利 Hi there, Harry.
我还是感到很不舒服 I'm just extremely uncomfortable at being involved
来这样讲这个故事 in the telling of this story
除非它有一个全局观 unless it includes the whole picture,
也就是说 要有我的看法 which is to say my experience of it,
你的看法 your experience of it,
还有我的家人的 as well as my family's.
我考虑了很多 关于你想要讲述这个故事的愿望 I've been thinking a lot about your desire to tell this story
同时我也想把这个故事拍成纪录片 and my own desire to document this experience through film.
我开始筹备的同时 As I begin this process,
我其实不知道自己的电影会是什么形式 I don't know what form my project will take.
我也不知道这是否是一个个人的记录 I don't know if it's a personal record for myself,
或者说是拍成一部 or something to be made into a piece
给别人看的影片 for others to see at some point.
我不知道这需要花多久 I don't know how long it would take
或者甚至能否完成 or if it would ever get finished,
我也不会假装自己知道如何讲述它 and I wouldn't even pretend at this point to know how to tell it,
在我进行对大家的 beyond beginning to explore it
采访和探索之前 through interviews with everyone involved,
所以每个人的观点 so that everyone's point of view,
不管多么互相矛盾的话 都会被收录进来 no matter how contradictory, is included.
会有一天 它会成为 One day it may turn into a documentary
别人购买的纪录片 for others to consume.
我真的不确定那会是何时 或者说我是否愿意这样 I'm really not sure when or if I'd want that to happen,
但不管结果如何 but whatever it ended up being,
影片中没有你会非常奇怪 it would feel very odd not to have you be a part of this.
他在考虑这部纪录片的时候 When he considers this documentary,
他是哈利 一个制片人 being Harry, being a producer,
我肯定他对于这部电影会有一些不安 I'm sure there's a little bit of trepidation about this film,
因为他对所有的事情没有掌控权 because he doesn't have control of everything.
他明白 但也不喜欢这样 He understands that. He doesn't like it.
事先已经跟他说明了 这次的故事 It's been made clear to him that this story will be told
会从所有人的角度来讲述 from the points of view of everyone
只要是活着的 愿意讲述的人 who is alive who can talk about it,
我父亲真的只想拍 and my dad would really like it just to be
他遇见戴安 和她在一起的日子 about his story of meeting Diane and being with her
以及有了你 和现在再次遇见你 and having you and meeting you again.
但是他接受了 But he's going along with it.
试着好好融入 He's trying to be a good sport.
你的看法是如何的呢 So what do you think of the concept
关于我拍的这部纪录片 of me making this documentary
给每个人平等的机会 来叙述他们眼中的故事 where we're giving equal weight to everyone's version of the story?
我不喜欢这样 I don't like it.
我觉得这会让我们... I think that takes us into...
仿佛陷入厚厚的羊毛 into very woolly...
任何一方面都无法深入探讨了 You can't ever touch bottom with anything then.
什么方面都有涉及 We're all over the place.
他们的看法都能展现出来 I think they can all be heard.
但给他们同等的权利... It's giving them equal weight which I find...
尤其是那些没有直接关系的人 Particularly those who are non-players.
首先 是那些对事件有影响的人 First of all, there are the parties to an incident...
他们当时在场 those who were there
也受到了直接的影响 and who were directly affected by it.
然后还有周围的一圈人 Then there is a circle around that
他们受到了间接的影响 of people who were affected tangentially
因为他们和第一批人有联系 because of their relationship to the principal parties.
再然后还有一圈人 And then there's another concentric circle further out there
基本上是听说过 which basically has heard or been told
从第一群人的某一个人口中听说 by one of the principal players about it,
这些人会有不同的叙述 and all of these may have different narratives,
这些叙述会受到影响 and these narratives are shaped
受到他们和告知人关系的影响 in part by their relationship to the person
告知他们的人 和场合 who told it to them and by the events.
一个人是无法得知真相的 One does not get the truth
假如仅仅是看他们的反应的话 simply by hearing what their reactions are.
人们会根据自己的观察表达观点 People tend to declare themselves in terms of what they saw,
还会根据自己的感受 in terms of what they felt,
以及他们自己的记忆 in terms of what they remembered,
还有他们都忠心于谁 and in terms of their loyalties.
同样的状况 The same set of circumstances
对不同的人会造成不同的影响 will affect different people in different ways.
而并不是说有不同的真相 Not that there are different truths.
对特定的事件 大家的反应会不同 There are different reactions to particular events.
艺术作品的关键作用就是道出真相 The crucial function of art is to tell the truth,
发现事件中的真相 to find the truth in a situation.
就是这个道理 That's what it's about.
你会发现 当你拍完这部片... You realize, when you've finished all this...
你会发现 当你拍完以后 You realize, when you've finished all this,
会有大约6小时的素材 you've got about six hours of stuff,
你就要决定选取哪些 and you'll decide what you want out of it.
过程就像这个故事本身一样了 It'll be exactly like the story.
我们每个人都会选取... Each one of us will pick out...
假如我们之中有人来剪辑的话 If any one of us were trying to edit it
决定保留哪些材料 and decide what we wanted to keep,
那会和戏剧作品一样 it would be the same farcical kind
充满滑稽的 of theatrical exercise that we're all involved in.
“噢，这段我要留着” "Oh, I want to keep that. "
“噢 那句是废话” "Oh, that's rubbish. "
这会完全不同于 That's an enormously different thing
普通的采访 from simply doing an interview straight
而不必去剪辑什么的 and never doing any editing of it whatsoever,
是怎样就是怎样 but letting it run as it is.
那至少会让你尽可能地接近真实本身 That would have been at least as close to truth as you can get,
而你进行剪辑以后 whereas your editing of this
会把这片子变得完全不同 will turn this into something completely different.
你觉得 这部纪录片的真正意义是什么？ What would you say this documentary is really about?
我这是在打破第四道墙吗？（指和观众互动） Am I breaking the fourth wall here?
把摄影机转过去 Turn the camera around.
意义是什么？ What is it about?
我觉得有很多含义 I feel like it's about a lot of things.
回忆 你说过 Memory, you said.
关于回忆和我们讲述自己生活的方式 Memory and the way we tell the stories of our lives.
很多时候就像 我们可以通过讲述 I think in many ways it's like trying to bring someone to life
让逝去的人复生 through people's stories of them.
我的拍摄角度怎么样？ Is this a good angle for me?
不好意思 继续 Sorry, go on.
告诉人们什么？ Telling people what?
混蛋 Asshole.
嗨 哈利 Hi, Harry.
这部纪录片的重点之一是 One of the main focuses in the documentary
各种叙述之间的差异 are the discrepancies in the stories.
所有人 你 我 我父亲 我的哥哥姐姐们 All of us... you, me, my dad, my siblings,
妈妈的朋友们 等等 my mother's friends, et cetera...
故事大体相同 却有着大大小小的细节上的差异 have similar stories with large and small details that vary.
我对大家不同的叙述生活的方式很感兴趣 I'm interested in the way we tell stories about our lives,
事实就是如此 过去发生的真实 都很易逝 about the fact that the truth about the past is often ephemeral
很难有定论 and difficult to pin down,
并且很多故事 假如我们不花时间 and many of our stories, when we don't take proper time
去好好审视过去 to do research about our pasts,
大多数时候都会是这样 which is almost always the case,
最终里面就会有偏差和虚构 end up with shifts and fictions in them,
大多数都是无意的 mostly unintended.
和妈妈的关系 In relation to Mom,
我想 当我们以一家人的身份聊起来 I think when we talk about it as a family,
似乎就会有很多 there seems to be this... this kind of...
关于“她是谁”的问题 a lot of questions about who was she.
会有很多不同的看法 You know, a lot of disagreement
关于她是怎样一个人 about what kind of a person she was,
就会产生误解 觉得她是某种“东西” and there's this misconception that she was some thing,
我想对我来说 这又是一种误解 and I guess that to me is another misconception...
关于婚外情的 that there is a state of affairs
或者其他真的发生了的事 or a thing that actually happened,
我们得重新模拟当时到底发生了什么 and we have to reconstruct exactly what happened in the past,
我觉得 其实没有一个“当时真的发生了什么”的概念 and I don't think there ever was a "what actually happened. "
我觉得从一开始 I think there were lots of perspectives
就有很多观察 from the very beginning.
永远不会有答案 You don't ever get to an answer.
永远不能说出“好 我们弄明白了” You don't ever get to, "Okay, now we've figured it out.
“我们明白当时到底发生什么了” "We know exactly what happened,
“我们了解她到底是怎样一个人了” "we know exactly what kind of person she was. "
这些都是很虚幻的 I think those things are just illusory.
再一次地 说到这些基本的问题 Again, in terms of the basic question,
“一个人能获知真相吗？” "Can one get at the truth?"
你当然能非常接近真相 You can certainly get very close to it,
但真相必须仅限于跟事情有关系的人们 but you have to limit it to those who are involved in the events...
有直接关系的 受直接影响的 directly involved and affected...
之间的直接目击者只有两个 and the direct witnesses to the events are only two,
其中一个已经不在了 and one is not around.
戴安不能在这里说什么了 Diane's not here to talk to.
她真的是唯一一个 That's really the only person who could provide
可以说出真正发生了什么的人 the essence, the essentials of what took place.
我们经历了那么多争辩 So we went through all of that debate,
终于昨天我们可以开始拍了 and then we started here yesterday.
我感觉 我们之间的那些迷雾 已经消散了 I somehow feel that we've cleared up some of the smoke.
或许不是全部的 但部分的迷雾 已经消失了 Maybe not all, but some of the smoke has been cleared away.
事实是 本质上来说 这是和戴安的故事 The reality is, essentially, that the story with Diane,
我很遗憾要这么说 但这故事只能我来讲 I regret to say, is only mine to tell,
这是事实 and I think that's a fact.
我的回忆不会一直都很精确 Now, my recollections may be faulty at times,
但我不会说谎 but I'm not gonna lie.
我和戴安30年前的爱情 The love that I shared with Diane 30 years ago
很热烈 又恒久 was so intense and so lasting,
这些感觉都回来了 it all came back to me
因为我对你的感情 融合了这些 and got wrapped up with my affection for you.
所以我对你的爱 是一样的 So I became crazy about you in the same way.
当我听说 When I heard the full details
妈妈和哈利婚外情的全部细节之后 of the affair between Mom and Harry,
我真的很高兴 因为我一直觉得 I was really happy because I've always felt
她这一辈子都在寻找真爱 like she spent her whole life looking for love,
我当然能感觉出 她生命的最后几年里 and I certainly felt that in the last years of her life,
很多年以来 从我还是个孩子时候起 and for a long time ever since I was a child,
从爸爸身上 她真的没有得到她想要的 she really hadn't gotten from Dad what she needed.
当我听说哈利的事情以后 And when I heard the story of Harry...
我感觉... I remember feeling...
非常开心 因为她找到了爱情 feeling really happy that she had found love
有一个人如此地爱过她 and that she'd been loved that much.
但我其实也觉得 But I kind of think Dad
爸爸是她真正爱过的人 was the one she really was in love with,
但他真的不是个好的选择 and he just wasn't an option,
所以我真的很开心 有人爱过她 so I'm really glad that she was loved.
我不确定 那个爱她的人 I'm not sure she was loved by the person
是不是她真正想要他去爱她的那个人 she really wanted to be loved by, but...
亲爱的萨拉 你在拍摄这部纪录片 My dear Sarah, when you make a documentary
关于自己发现自己的生父的故事 about your own discovery of a new father,
你这么做是不是为了避免自己内心的担忧 are you doing so to avoid your own deeper concerns
关于此事对你真正产生的影响？ of its real impact on you?
所以你才把它描述为 Is that why you describe it
寻找多种多样的真相 as a search for the vagaries of truth
和回忆的不可靠性 and the unreliability of memory,
而不是去寻找父亲？ rather than a search for a father?
嘿 爸爸 Hey, Dad.
收到你的上一封邮件 我想了很多 I've been thinking a lot about your last email.
或许你是对的 Maybe you're right.
或许我拍摄这部电影的真正原因 Maybe there is something underneath my need
我是有所隐瞒的 to make this film that I've been denying.
每次我感觉自己有了立足点 最终都会丢失 Every time I feel I have my footing, I lose it.
我也不知道自己为什么让大家如此坦白 I can't figure out why I'm exposing us all in this way.
说实话 真的很尴尬 It's really embarrassing, to be honest.
我是疯了吗 Have I totally lost my mind,
试着用其他人的叙述来重塑过去？ trying to reconstruct the past from other people's words?
来找回妈妈？ Trying to form her?
她走之后 产生的像是海啸 Is this the tsunami she unleashed when she went,
我们还在她身后挥舞 and all of us still flailing in her wake,
试着在残骸中把她找回来 trying to put her together in the wreckage,
而她一次又一次地在我们眼前消失 and her slipping away from us, over and over again,
每次当我们快要看见她的时候 just as we begin to see her face?
妈妈去世的那天 你还记得什么？ What do you remember of the day Mom died?
多可怕的一天啊 不是吗？ That was a terrible day, wasn't it?
我不知道 我想... I don't know. I guess...
她的哥哥对我们说 I guess her brother had said to us,
“差不多就是这样了...” "Well, it's almost the end now, and... "
“你们大家都应该去...” "I think each one of you should go... "
她当时没有意识 I mean, she was unconscious.
“说点什么...” "And say whatever...
“在她去世之前 说点最后的话” "Whatever final words you have to say to her before she goes...
“因为这真的是最后的时刻了” "because it's very close to the end. "
真是糟糕的一天 So that was a bad day.
你对她说了什么？ What did you say to her?
什么？ What?
当时我们都有和她独处的时间 With that time that we each had alone with her,
你对她说了什么？ what did you say to her?
我不知道 Don't know.
大概说了 我会想念她 Probably that I'd missed her...
我会想念她 that I would miss her,
我爱她 that I loved her, and that...
永远不会忘记她 would never forget her.
就这些 That's about all.
这样一个 你了解她有25年的人 You know, somebody you've known for 25 years...
这25年间你的大部分人生都和她在一起 and spent much of your life with for 25 years,
人生的意义都奉献给她 and has given your life much of its meaning for 25 years,
失去这样的人 太难了 awful hard to lose them.
这问题真是太难受了 That's a dire line of questioning.
告诉你 我们必须把这片子弄得开心点 I tell you, we must find a way of making it more funny.
你怎么成了个虐待狂采访人了 What are you, some kind of sadistic interviewer?
是你说我该让你情绪崩溃的 You told me I had to break you down more.
是啊 你做到了 不是吗？ Yeah, well, you've done it, haven't you?
刚才可没有任何表演成分 There was no acting in any of that.
没有任何表演成分 No acting at all.
你看你是个多狠毒的导演啊 You see what a vicious director you are.
现在你该明白了吧 Now you understand, don't you?
我还记得 I remember that...
那天 你指导我表演 remember that day when you directed me
你当时在拍一个多荒谬的短片 in a ridiculous montage piece that you were doing
当时你还在电影中心的时候 when you were at the film center,
你让我走到一个冰冷的游泳池里 and you made me walk down into a pool of freezing cold water,
还穿着很多衣服 wearing full clothes.
“继续走 再往下一点 爸爸！” "Keep going, further down, Dad!"
我说，“不能再往下了！” I said, "I can't go any further down!
“我的衣服不方便” "My clothes are holding me up. "
“往下就是了！” "Just keep going down!
“天啊 真是烦人” "God, it's so annoying.
“这只是个小小的要求” "It's a very little thing to ask of you.
“我只是要你潜到水下一尺深而已” "All I want you to do is go a foot under the water.
“我现在要做个短片剪辑” "Here I am trying to do a montage,
“而我的老爸却给我找麻烦” "and my father is causing trouble. "
这导演真是惨无人道啊 A brutal piece of directing.
为什么？ Why?
但某种程度来说 And in some ways, that's, you know...
所有的这些问题 that's why this whole question of...
“我是你的父亲吗？或者不是？” "Was I your father? Wasn't I?"
似乎变得不是很重要了 It becomes sort of an unimportant part of the past,
至少对我来说 for me, anyway.
我想对你来说重要得多 I think it's much more important for you.
对我来说 这件事只是 For me, it's just one of those things
人生中很平常的一件事 that happens along with life.
所以不要为我感到难过 So don't feel sorry for me.
如果要有什么遗憾 那也是哈利的 If you have pity, it should be for Harry,
他爱过戴安 却失去了她 who loved and lost Diane
然后又错过了自己的孩子萨拉 and then missed out on the childhood
她的童年生活 of that Sarah he had produced.
如果换做是我 Had that been my lot,
看到DNA结果的时候 我会非常难过 I would have been mortified when I read that DNA result.
我是个非常幸运的人 I've been a very lucky man,
当然 我最幸运的时刻之一 and, of course, for one of my luckiest moments,
我要感谢哈利·加尔金爱过戴安 I have to thank Harry Gulkin for loving Diane.
因为他们的爱情 才有了今天的萨拉 Sarah's only what she is because of that night of love
戴安和哈利的爱情结晶 between Diane and Harry.
如果她的父亲是我 Had I been her biological father,
她会是完全不同的人 she would have been entirely different.
她可能会更好 也可能更糟 She might have better or worse,
但她绝对不会是 but she would definitely not have been
今天的萨拉 the Sarah she is today,
我爱的这个萨拉 and that's the one I love.
还有其他的可能 就是什么都没有 Of the other possible outcome, there's nothing.
你可以把这封信留给自己看 You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself
或者拿出来分享 or to share it.
这是你的东西 你的选择 It's yours, and yours the choice.
你看... You know, look...
爸 刚才那句能再念一遍吗？ Dad, can you just go back over that one line?
我的情感这么真挚 I was being so real.
自己都感动了 I completely convinced myself.
你可以把这封信留给自己看 You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself
或者拿出来分享 or to share it.
这是你的东西 你的选择 It's yours, and yours the choice.
你看 你那个礼拜四告诉我这个消息的时候 You know, look, while telling me your news on Thursday,
你拥抱了我两次 you twice hugged me
就像你小时候抱着我一样 as hard as you ever did in your childhood.
那拥抱已经胜过千言万语 That alone made your revelation worth a thousand words.
于是 就是这些了吧 So, there you have it.
我所知道的一切 All I know of what happened
或者别人告诉我的 我都说出来了 or what has been reported to me has been told.
我想 我把这个故事写下来 因为它真的 I think I wrote this story because it really says
展现了人们生命中有趣的部分 so many interesting things about the human condition.
但或许还有其他原因 But maybe there was another reason.
或许 在内心深处 Perhaps, deep inside,
我比自己所承认的要承受了更多的震惊 I have suffered more of a shock than I would openly admit.
我有时候会停下来 认识到自己内心深处 I sometimes stop and realize that something inside
自己的余生都被改变了 has for the rest of my life changed.
萨拉和我之间的羁绊 A certain cord that runs between Sarah and me
被隔断了 has been severed,
我无力再把它拼起来 and I am powerless to join it together.
它不是真切的事物 It's not a real thing.
它的存在是因为 It only exists because we have developed
我们的想象 this facet called imagination,
而那是真实而有形的 and that is all too real and tangible.
它带来痛苦 It gives pain.
这想法很短暂 我又回到了键盘前 It's brief, and soon I am back again at the keyboard,
重新梳理过去40年的生活 reliving the past 40 years.
但我想 这想法会一直在潜意识中影响我 But I suppose it will always be lurking to catch me unawares.
所以或许这个故事是一种否认的形式 So perhaps this story is a form of denial.
真实讽刺啊 这故事最终 How ironic it is that the final revelation
产生的结果 and its aftermath
是让萨拉和我重新变得亲密 have brought Sarah and I closer together
也让我开始大量写作 and resulted in me writing volumes,
正如戴安一直希望的一样 as Diane always wanted me to.
它赋予了我的人生新的意义 It has given me a new lease on life.
今天凌晨5点26分 At 5:26 this morning,
詹妮弗生下了一个女孩 a little girl was born to Jennifer,
我的儿媳 my son's wife.
已经差不多75年过去了 It's almost three quarters of a century
从我出生于伊尔福市的时候算起 since I was pulled out into the air of llford,
现在这个小女孩 and now this small girl
开始学着在多伦多如何生活 is starting to learn about life in Toronto.
有一件事是肯定的 One thing is certain:
她的生活会和我的完全不同 her life will be radically different from mine.
不同到好像 So different that we might as well be born
我们是出生在相距很多光年的不同星球 on planets light-years apart.
我想 她会对自己爷爷的人生故事很感兴趣 I think she'll be interested to read of her grandfather's life,
叙述的方式 set down in a way that makes it
让它和历史书有很大不同 very unlike the stuff of history books.
啊 我在写这些的时候 又有一只苍蝇飞来 Ah, and now there's a fly buzzing around me as I write.
它嗡嗡飞了一会儿 寻找食物 It'll buzz around for a short time looking for food,
找到食物以后 就会想找个伴 and, once sustained, may seek a mate.
它永远不会知道原因 It will never know why.
它的命运是注定的 It has simply been sentenced
和它那些成千上万的祖先们一样 to follow the demands of millions of ancestors.
对那只苍蝇来说 “为什么”三个字是不存在的 For that fly, the word "why" does not exist.
是啊 就是这样了 迈克尔 Yes, that's it, Michael,
接受命运吧 just accept the sentence.
我会继续下去 I will go on.
我真的对这件事的不同说法很感兴趣 I'm just so curious at all the versions of this story
从我13岁开始就很多人说 that have been in existence since I was, like, 13,
第一次是我姐姐跟我开玩笑的 and my sister first told me as a joke,
“你知道吗 你爸可能不是你亲爸” "You know, your dad's probably not your real dad. "
等我到了18岁 一直听到你的名字 And then when I was 18, hearing your name all the time,
然后发现了哈利 and then finding Harry,
然后得到了DNA检测的证实 and then it being proved by a DNA test.
是啊 Yeah.
所以现在我采访大家 会感觉很奇怪 So it's just weird that now when I interview people,
比如她有两个很亲密的朋友 like, a couple of her close friends
对于哈利是我的生父这件事感到很震惊 were shocked that Harry was my dad,
因为他们一直以为你才是我的生父 because they always thought you were my dad.
嗯... Um...
那好吧 我必须... Well, okay, then. I'll have to, uh...
我必须承认我们的确上过一次床 I'll have to tell you that we did sleep together once.
=完= 翻译：Charles Chou/米粒