- Hey! 嘿
- Sorry. 对不起
Hey! 嘿
Fucking give it to me, please! 他妈的把它给我，求你了！
- Just let us see it. -让我们看看。
- No! 不给！
- Come on, just let us see it. 拜托 让我们看看。
- Give it to me! 把它给我！
- Okay okay okay, fine, fine. 好吧好吧好吧，好，好吧
Not them, just me. 不给他们看 只给我看一眼
- Dude, come on, cut it out. 老兄别闹了
- I won't take a picture, I swear, see? 我不会拍照的，我发誓，好吗？
- Jeremy! 杰里米！
- Phone's away, just let me see it. 把手机拿开 就让我看一眼
- Everyone is gonna see. 每个人都会看见
- Hold on. 等等
We're negotiating. 我俩正在协商
- Seriously man, just stop being assholes. 说真的，老兄，别再做混蛋了。
Come on, this is stupid. 别这样太蠢了。
- Let go! 松手！
- No no no, I got it. 不不不 我想到了了
Take what's-his-face, the Korean kid, 要怎么说呢，那个韩国小孩，
fucking kwong wah kow or one of those 该死的光华
horrible names or something. - Dude, his parents are 或那些可怕的名字什么的。老兄，他的父母
loaded, I should be so lucky. 很有钱，我应该很幸运。
They probably pick me up in a 他们可能会在热水盆滚翻的时候来接我
hot tub rollover or something. 或者什么的
- The kid in pe,.
- His would warp the corsage. 他会扭曲胸花的。
- Oh come on, it'd be your good deed for the year. 来吧，这是你今年的好事。
Pull a Christine and have all the 拉着一个名为克里斯汀的男生，让
kids vote for him for prom king. 所有的孩子投票给他，把他选为舞会的王。
- Dude, the movie's Carrie, dipshit. 老兄，电影是嘉莉，笨蛋。
- No no no, hold on, i got it, I totally got it. 不，不，不，等等，我知道了，我完全明白了。
You know who you should go with? 你知道你应该和谁一起去吗？
- Yeah, who? 嗯 谁呢？
- Cyclops. － 独眼巨人。
- Oh my god, you're so fucked. 噢，天哪，你真他妈的坏。
- Watch him show up with a parrot and a peg leg. 看他带着鹦鹉和假腿出现。
- He's right there. 他就在那儿。
- So go ask him. 那就去问他
- No! 不
- Come on, now's your chance, go on. 快点，现在是你的机会，快去吧
Fine, fine, I'll do it. 好吧，好吧，我来问
Hey. 嘿
Hey you. 嘿 喊你呢
What's his name? 他叫什么名字？
- Mike? 麦克吗？
- Hey, hey Mike! ——嘿 嘿 麦克
Hey! 嘿
- Shut up! 闭嘴！
- Jesus, come on. 上帝 拜托
Where are you going? 你去哪？
- This is ridiculous. 这很荒谬
- We're awful. 我们的确很糟糕
- Hey eyeball! 嘿 眼球男
There's something to your right! 你的右边有东西！
Just kidding. 开玩笑
Careful, watch your, nah, just kidding. 小心，看你，不，只在开玩笑。
Goddammit Matt, would you stop fucking walking already? 该死的马特你能不能别再走了？
Get in the goddamn car. 快上车
Hurry up, come on. 快点快点儿。
Dude, so I got this new game. 老兄，我有了这个新游戏。
Open world, sandbox kind of game. 开放世界，沙盒类游戏。
I dunno, it doesn't even have 我不知道，它甚至还没有名字，
a name yet, that's how new it is. 这就是它的新颖之处。
My aunt grabbed this advanced 我的阿姨在洛杉矶
beta testing copy in la, oh yeah, 拿到了这个高级测试版，对了，
she's staying with us by the way. 顺便说一下，她和我们住在一起。
You'll meet her, she's cool. 你会见到她的，她很酷。
Anyway, it's nuts! 总之,是疯了！
Anywhere you wanna go, you can go, 无论你想去哪里，你可以去
anything you wanna do, you can do. 无论你想做什么 你可以做
You can steal jets. 你可以偷飞机。
- No, you can't just, yeah, that's why 不，你不能只是，是的，这就是为什么
they got a joint account, douchebag 有一个共同帐户，混蛋
because it's both of ours, you can't, 因为它是我们两个人的 你不能
yes, yes I did, every paycheck! 是的 是的 我有 每笔薪水
Yeah, and if I don't see every penny 是的，如果星期五以前
returned by Friday i will stick my 我没有看到每一分钱都回来，就把
lawyer in your ass so fast it'll 我的律师塞进你的屁股里，
make your fucking head explode! 这样你就他妈的脑袋开花了！
Hey! 嘿
Hey, can you go get hunter please, he's in his crib! 嘿，你能去看看亨特吗，他在他的婴儿床里！
Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on. 等等，等等，等等。
What do you mean until i give back the ring? 你说直到我把戒指还给你是什么意思？
I gave back the ring. 我把戒指还给了他。
Yes. 是的
Yes I did, when you were here! 是的，你在这里的时候，我给你了！
- I got you. 有我在
- Are you high or just retarded? 你喝高了还是智障呢？
Yeah, yeah, that's what i thought, that's what I thought. 是啊，我也是这么想的。我就是这么想的。
- Mr. Cahill is out sick, but he has left me 卡希尔先生生病了，但他给我留下了
instructions to have you work on group projects. 指示，让你们参加小组项目。
Today you will be dissecting fetal pigs. 今天，你们将解剖胎猪。
If you do not feel comfortable dissecting 如果解剖实际的动物
the actual animals, there are computers 让你觉得不舒服 在房间的一侧
set up on the side of the room that 放着电脑能够
will take you through the virtual process. 让你了解虚拟的解剖过程
Okay, split up into groups of two and you 好了 分成两个人一组 你们
can find your specimens on the back table. 可以在后面的桌子上找到你们的标本。
- Okay, so it says here we need 好的，这里说我们需要
to insert the blade through the 把刀片穿过
body on one side of the umbilical cord 脐带一侧的身体
and cut posteriorly to the base of the leg. 然后向后切到腿的底部。
What do you say, you wanna do the honors? 你怎么说，你想动手吗？
Okay, I'll do it. 好了 我来吧
Who's getting hungry? 谁饿了？
That was a joke. 开玩笑
Well, I mean... 嗯 我是说
I'm a vegetarian, but it's also 我是个素食主义者，但这也是
because of the whole animal rights 因为动物权利的问题，
thing more than just 'cause I got a 不仅仅因为我的腰带
waistband the size of a low-flying blimp. 有一只低飞艇那么大。
That was a joke too. 还在开玩笑
Kinda. 有点
Okay, never mind. 好了 不要介意
Extend a single cut along the midline 将动物心室表面的
of the ventricular surface of the 中线延伸
animal to about two centimeters 至约2厘米，
from the chain, cut completely 完全切开，然后再切下
through the yadda yadda yadda yadda, 等等等等等等等等
okay, what is this, rocket science? 好吧 这是什么，火箭科学吗？
All right. 好了
- Hey, what's going on? 嘿，发生什么事了？
- I wanna suck off Justin langsey. -我想要吮贾斯汀的鸡鸡
- Who? 谁？
- Number six. 六号
He's so clumsy, I love it. 他太笨拙了，我喜欢。
I just wanna yank down those little 我只是想要拉下他的那些小
black shorts of his and suck his dick. 黑色短裤和吸吮他的家伙。
- Okay, all right. 好的，好的。
- But he's got a small dick, you know? |- 可是他的鸡鸡很小，你知道吗？
You don't believe me about this, 你不相信我，
but I've got a sixth sense about 但我对这类事情
these kinds of things, i do, seriously. 有第六感，我知道。说真的。
- I believe you. 我相信你
- I bet it is the size of a dry erase marker. 我打赌它的大小是一个干橡皮擦。
- Okay, do you wanna just get out of here? 好吧，你想离开这里吗？
- I don't care you know, I'd suck it anyway. 我不管你知道，反正我也会吸。
Probably make it easier. 可能会让事情变得更简单。
- Hello? 你好吗？
- God he's beautiful. 上帝 他真好看
- Hey, you done? 嘿 你想完了吗？
- Yeah, yeah. 嗯 嗯
- Let's go. 走吧
So the kid is just standing there 所以这孩子只是站在那里，
with his harmonica in his mouth. 嘴里衔着口琴。
- Right. 对呀
- And his dad's on his shoulders 他爸爸的肩膀上
with a noose around his neck-- 挂着一条套索
- oh shit, I gotta introduce you to Jill, hold on. 哦，见鬼，我要把你介绍给吉尔，等等。
Jill! 吉尔
- Basically he's just left to stand 基本上他只能站在那里，
there until, basically until he passes out. 直到他昏倒为止
- Jill! 吉尔！
- And his dad hangs to death, it's insane, -他爸爸挂死了，这太疯狂了，
it's such a great, great shot, 真是太棒，太棒的一击，
I'll have to show it to you sometime. 我改天再给你看。
- Yeah. 是啊
Wait, how does he play the harmonica if hes's-- 等等，如果他不吹口琴，
- he's not playing the harmonica. 他是怎么吹口琴的。
- Jill! 吉尔
- It's like, it's just like a simple-- 就像，这就像一个简单的
- she must've gone out. 她肯定出去了。
You wanna play video games? 你想玩电子游戏吗？
Fuck. 操
Shit. 见鬼
- So there was this new girl in bio today. 所以今天生物课上有个新来的女孩。
- Oh yeah? 哦是吗？
Is she cute? 她可爱吗？
Is she cute, you gonna ask her out? 她可爱吗，你要约她出去吗？
You gonna break some hearts? 你会伤到一些心吗？
- Pfft. 啐
- What pfft, what do you say it like that for? 什么啐 你说这是什么意思？
Come on. 拜托
You are a handsome-- 你很英俊
- I just mean-- 我只是说
- you're a handsome goddamn dude, 你是个英俊的家伙。
seriously, I mean it, you got 说真的，我是说真的，
this whole monocular man thing 你带着这个单眼罩
going on, total secret agent, 完全就是秘密特工
total Nick fury, Nick fucking fury man, 完全就是尼克般愤怒的人，尼克他妈的愤怒的人
except in the comic books, not in the movie, 除了在漫画书中，不在电影中
you're not Samuel l. Jackson, you're not bald. 你不是塞缪尔 1 杰克逊，你不是秃头。
Or black. 你不是黑人
- But dude, she is the size of a house. -但伙计，她的身材有房子一般大。
I mean she should save time and 我是说她应该节省时间，
shove me in a trash compactor. 把我扔进垃圾桶。
This girl would crush me. 这个女孩会把我压垮的。
- No no no, she's not too fat. 不不不，她不太胖。
- Yeah she is. 不 她很胖
- She's not that fat. 她没有那么胖
Just four feet too short, fuck. 只有四英尺太矮了,操。
- What? 什么？
- What do fat women and mopeds have in common? 胖女人和轻便摩托车有什么共同点？
- I don't know. 我不知道
- They're both to fun to ride, but you wouldn't 他们都很好骑，但你不想
want your friends to see you on either one. 让你的朋友看到你骑任何一个。
Right? 对吗？
- Okay, I have one. 好吧 我有一个
- Okay. 好吧
- How do you find a fat girl's vagina? 你怎么找到一个胖女孩的阴道？
- How? 怎么找？
- You flip through the folds until you smell crap. 你把褶子翻过来，直到你闻到垃圾的味道
Then you go back one. 然后你返回去
- Where did you even hear that? -你在哪里听到的？
- I don't know, it was on the Internet or something. 我不知道，是在互联网上或什么的。
- Hey where were you, we were looking all over for you. 嘿，你在哪儿，我们到处找你。
Oh yeah, Matt, Jill, Jill, Matt. 哦是的 马特，吉尔，吉尔，马特。
- Hey. 嘿
Is anyone sitting here? 这里有人坐吗？
So you're elmo's aunt? 这么说你是埃尔莫的姨妈？
I mean that's pretty weird right? 我是说这很奇怪对吧？
How does that even happen? 这是怎么回事？
- His mom is my sister and my dad's his grandpa. 他的妈妈是我的姐姐，我爸爸是他的外公。
What, do you want me to draw you a family tree? 你想让我帮你画家谱吗？
- No, no, I just... 不 不 我只是
I don't know, 'cause i mean my sister and I, 我不知道，因为我的意思是我和我姐姐，
we're like, I don't know, I was just trying-- 我们就像，我不知道，我只是在尝试……
- you was just trying to make some weird roundabout 你只是想为那天伤害我的感情而
apology for hurting my feelings the other day. 做一些怪异的迂回道歉。
- What-- 什么
- which is fucking lame by the way. 顺便说一句，这太烂了。
You can do that with a fucking fat joke, ugh. 你可以讲一个该死的胖的笑话，呃。
So you clearly wanna make amends or 你显然想要补偿或者
pacify your conscience or weasel me 安抚你的良心或者让我
into bed or whatever the fuck it is 上床或者无论你他妈想做什么，
that you're trying to do, - wait, what? ——等等，什么？
So why don't you just get it over with? 那你为什么不用一句结束这一切呢？
"I'm sorry"? “对不起”
- Okay, I'm sorry. 好吧 对不起
- Do you mean it? 你是真的在道歉吗？
- Yeah. 是的
- Great. 好极了
We can be friends again, take a seat. 我们可以再做朋友，坐下。
So how long have you known-- 所以你们认识多久了-
you know what? 你知道吗？
This isn't really doing it for me. 这不是真的为我做。
You wanna get out of here and eat someplace else? 你想离开这里到别的地方去吃吗？
- Sure. 当然
I'll call elmo. 我打电话给埃尔莫
- Okay. 好吧
Where are we? 我们在哪里？
- Yeah, where the fuck are we going man, come on. 是啊，我们到底要去哪，伙计，拜托。
- No, it's going, we're going to this 没有，就，我们要去这
cool cafe, bar, diner type, I don't 凉爽的咖啡馆，酒吧、 餐馆类型，我不
know what it is, but there is a bar 知道它是什么，但里面有个酒吧，
inside, we don't have to be 21. 我们不需要21岁
I used to go there all the time with my sister, 我过去常和我姐姐一起去那儿，
they've got great food, great corned beef hash. 他们有很棒的食物，很好的咸牛肉杂烩。
I mean they have salads and stuff too, so you're all set. 我是说他们也有沙拉之类的，所以你们都准备好了。
- Dude, did you just call me fat? |- 老兄，你刚才是不是叫我胖子？
- What? 什么？
- What the fuck dude? - 他妈的怎么了？
- No, 'cause in class you said that thing 不，因为在课堂上你说过
about being a vegetarian, so I just thought... 做一个素食者的事，所以我就想…
No no no no, hey, I didn't-- 不不不 嘿 我没有
- you're an insensitive motherfucker. 你是个麻木不仁的混蛋
- I didn't mean anything by it. 我不是故意的。
Hey, hey, I'm really, goddammit. 嘿嘿 我真的 他妈的
- Why don't you go for a walk, okay? 你为什么不去散散步呢？
Take a minute. 等一下。
- I, I wasn't trying-- 我，我没想…
- why don't you just tell her 你为什么不直接告诉她
to go on a diet or something, huh? 去节食或干点别的？
- I didn't mean, that's not what 我不是这个意思，这根本
I meant at all, goddammit. 不是我的意思， 该死的
- What if she said something about your eye, huh? 如果她说了你眼睛的事怎么办 嗯？
What if she said something about your eye? 如果她说了你眼睛的事怎么办？
Would you be okay with that? - I don't care, ooooh shit. 你能接受吗？-我不在乎，噢 见鬼
- We got you! 我们骗到你了
- Nice! 真好
- That was so good! 那太好了
I wish you've could've seen your face. 我希望你能看到你的脸。
- Oh yeah, that was good. 哦，是的，很好。
- Did you see his face? -你看到他的脸吗？
You literally looked like I was about to shoot 你看起来像是我要
your fucking puppy, man. - That's not fucking funny. 杀了你的小狗，伙计。-这可不是什么好笑的事。
- Come on, I was just fucking with you, dude! 别这样，我只是跟你闹着玩，老兄！
Do I look like a salad type of girl to you? 你觉得我像沙拉类型的女孩吗？
I have my own fucking zip code, man. 我有我自己的邮政区号，老兄
- I don't know. 我不知道
- Oh, that reminds me of a joke. 哦，这让我想起了一个笑话。
What do fat women and mopeds have in common? 胖女人和轻便摩托车有什么共同点？
- Elmo already told me that joke. 埃尔莫已经告诉我那个笑话了。
- Oh fuck you, you fucking thief. 噢，去你的，你他妈的小偷。
- What do you mean fucking thief, it's a good joke. - 你这他妈的小偷是什么意思，这是个好笑话。
- No, it's a shitty goddamn joke, but it's my joke. 不，这是个该死的笑话，但这是我的笑话。
- You can't take ownership of a joke, it's everyone's joke. 你不能拥有一个笑话，这是每个人的笑话
- Whatever. 不管
- That's how jokes work. 笑话就是这样的。
- So what about you then? 那你呢？
I think it's gonna be great. 我想这会很棒的。
- Can you get behind that?
- Just, I don't have road rage, okay?
People that have road rage do things that
are unnecessary, I yell when it's necessary.
- Yeah, I'm telling you you still have to
be the bigger person in that situation.
- Be the bigger, have you looked at me?
I'm never the bigger person.
- Never, I've known him for a very long time.
- Okay, all right, all right.
Oh shit, I gotta go.
Look out, look out.
- What are you doing?
- My mother just texted me, I gotta go.
I forgot, I promised her. - Where are you going?
- I gotta go make lobster triangles
with her for some benefit.
- Lobster triangles?
- Kids with aids thing, whatever.
Hey, can you drive him home?
- Yeah, I can.
- Great, okay cool, I'll see you guys later, bye.
- See ya.
I'm about, oh.
- He's funny.
- Yeah.
- Can I have a drag?
- Sure.
Nice place.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- Just saying.
So...
- What?
I got so much homework to do.
- Huh?
- Got that calc test tomorrow.
- Right, calc test.
- But thanks for the ride.
- Yeah, sure.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Shh shh.
You weaselly motherfucker.
- Did you have your book club tonight?
- Yeah, where were you?
You were supposed to watch him, I got home at
the end of a double expecting to drop him off.
- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
- God, this kid came in right at the end of my shift.
Decided to blow his head off with his father's shotgun.
Chickened out at the last minute trying
to split the difference and instead
lost his jaw, it's a fucking mess.
- I know, I'm so sorry, just some stuff came up.
Did you end up skipping the meeting?
- Nah, I took him.
Screamed his head off half the night,
but it was a horror novel, so whatever.
- Yeah, how was it?
- Oh are you kidding me?
It was shit, they're all shit, but whatever, they're fun.
- Good.
Hey, can I ask you something, and just
promise not to... - You shut up.
What?
Shut up, what?
- Make fun of me or whatever?
- Come on, when I have i ever made fun of you?
- Like all the time?
- Right, but lovingly.
So what is it?
What's the question?
Hello!
- Okay, it's stupid, no, just, sorry, forget it, never mind.
All right, how...
How do you tell if a girl likes you?
- So basically they just go over the lake
and then I just shoot them with my twin Gauge.
- I'm kinda scared of you right now.
- Oh my gosh!
- I'm just saying, I'm just saying, it's like--
- oh come on, it's really fun.
It's like basically just--
- I kinda wanna, oh!
- Whoa, what the fuck?
Watch where you're going, you fat...
- I'm sorry, do you have something you wanna say to me?
- No, it's too easy.
You have a beautiful day.
- Sorry about that, i don't know what's
going on, they're not normally like that.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are.
- Oh hey, I see someone's in ap English.
I love this book, have you actually got
to the part where Sally tells Phillip that
she's pregnant right before he's about to--
- thanks for your help!
- Ow!
- Hey.
- Fuck.
- What's going on?
- Nothing, just waiting.
- Yeah, for Jill?
- No.
- Really, 'cause it's her car right here.
I mean well it's my mom's car, but she's borrowing it.
- Is it?
- Yeah, yeah.
Didn't she give you a ride last night?
- Oh yeah, yeah, no, she did.
- That's kinda weird, you don't remember the...
- I guess I forgot.
- Forgot, that's seems weird.
Anyway, check this out.
Folks are going to Norway on a bit
of a buying trip, but what the hell, might as
well throw a while they're down there.
- Oh.
Neat.
When is it?
- Next month, during the regular prom-type prom.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I talked to tonic, we're gonna
get three kegs, have some pizza, dance around,
play some games that don't suck,
whatever, yeah, should be a pretty
good time, but you should come.
What am I saying, of course you're
gonna come, what else do you have to do?
Sit around your house having
no depth perception or whatever?
- Come on.
- Hey, how far's my hand?
How far's my hand? - Stop it.
- How far's my hand?
- Fuck you, man.
- Anyway, I'm gonna go to kinko's
and make some copies, and I need
you to come with me, all right?
So let's go, let's go, come on.
- Hey, I really can't...
- Oh hey, what's going on?
- What's happening?
- Trying to get one-eyed Willy
here to go to kinko's for copies.
- Mmm-mmm, sorry.
Did you tell him about our project?
- What?
- What project?
- Wait, you really didn't tell?
We, this is so funny.
Yeah, no, we have a thing.
We have to go to the beach and
collect 20 different types of
shells for this thing or whatever.
Yeah, but you didn't tell him?
- You have to go to the beach to
collect shells in the winter?
- I know, right?
What the hell is wrong with the teachers here, right?
We're all of a sudden in the third grade, man?
It's like no, you won't weasel out of this,
I am not doing this shit on my own, I'm savvy
like a motherfucking toothpick, so let's go.
- Okay.
- Yeah, no, I mean I'm good to go too.
- We'll see you at the house.
- I'll call you.
- I'll just see you, I'll see
you tonight at the house.
- Well give me an hour, i can do the shells thing.
- Yeah, I'll see you later, bye!
- Okay, well let me know where you're going 'cause
I can meet you later if you want to, right?
- You didn't have to do that, you know.
- I'm sorry, I just...
I get to see him all the time, I hang
out with him every day, and he's great,
he's great, I just know him so well.
I want to get to know you.
More than I do now.
Is that weird?
- Hey, are we going to the beach right now?
To collect shells?
- No, fuck that.
What am I, a personal ad?
No, let's go to the dump.
- Anti-prom?
That's wicked cool.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you did this all by yourself?
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- God, you're really talented, that's cool.
You go to Ben frank?
- Yeah.
- Oh my god, me too, i mean I went there.
- How much is it, by the way?
- It's pretty brutal.
- Yeah.
Hey, so where is it?
The party?
- It's in laramie.
So yeah, you should come.
- Excuse me?
- It's like shit, you fucking faggots, man.
It's unbelievable, really, seriously.
- Bye.
Hi, hey, is Matt right there?
I just, I have his phone, i wanted to return it to him.
- I'm sorry, who are you looking for?
- Hey Jill!
I just need the restroom quick, just stay here for a second.
- How old is she?
- It's a he.
- All right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Shut that behind you.
- Yeah.
Is this your idea?
- Oh, no, it was like that when we moved in.
I just never got around to changing it.
- You play?
- No, I used to, but my hands are clumsy.
Can't really keep a beat either.
My mom got it for me
right after the whole eye thing.
I guess she thought 'cause my vision
was messed up that i should focus
on something auditory or whatever,
but yeah, never got past chopsticks.
You sing, Matt?
- No.
- You never sang before?
- I mean I'm not a good singer.
- Will you sing with me?
- I don't know it.
- Come on, okay.
We'll start with something easy.
Right?
Chorus is...
Think you can do that part?
- You're kind of amazing.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I won't lie to you if you don't lie to me.
How's that sound?
Just be real with me.
Shake on it?
- Oh god.
All right.
Oh shit.
How was it?
- Like, you mean like how did it--
- like was it okay, or...
- I don't know, you tell me.
- Oh god.
Jesus.
Have you done that before?
Oh, sorry, don't answer that, that's stupid.
- Well I should probably get going, so...
- Hey, I just, can i ask you something?
- Sure, yeah.
- You can totally say no if you want, there's no pressure.
- What is it?
- Do you wanna go to prom with me?
Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Chicks walking around with paint slathered on
their faces, they look like fucking oompa loompas.
Seriously.
Why, do you care?
- Oh no, I just thought most girls did is all.
- Well I'm not most girls.
What the?
Oh no fucking way, dude!
- Are you okay?
Oh shit.
Maybe I can get some...
Can try and find some shoes around here somewhere.
- Wanna go to elmo's thing?
- You mean do i wanna play cleanup
crew for party of the year?
Nah.
- Yeah, me neither.
- So what should we do then?
Who did you imagine yourself ending up with?
- What do you mean?
- You know, when you lie around
and think about girls or whatever.
What do you think she'd be like?
Is she anything like me?
- Honestly?
I just spent so much time trying to get through each day.
Girls never really crossed my mind.
I know that sounds so pathetic, but...
What about you, what'd you think of me?
- Of you?
- You can be honest you know,
I don't care, I'm just curious.
- I...
I thought you were handsome.
Can I see it?
- Sorry.
- Check it out.
Cyclops has a lady.
If ever there were two
people who shouldn't be allowed to procreate.
- Maybe they're free.
- Right?
Fuck it, models don't need to talk.
Talking to you.
- What happened?
Okay, so you know that list they posted
in the hallway, the one on the school list,
which schools people have gotten into?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well Justin langsey got into pilgrim mass.
- Oh yeah, that's the school you're going to right?
- I mean at first I was like I'll think about it,
but now I'm like fuck yeah, why not right?
But that's not even the best part.
That's not even the best part.
I'm standing there and I'm scanning
the list and all of a sudden Justin
comes up and he looks at the list,
so I point to my name and I go hey,
looks like we're going to the same school.
- All right.
- Smooth.
- Right, right?
Okay, so then he says nice, I'll see you there, right?
Like he wants to hang out, he thinks
it's nice or something, you know what I mean?
- It's something.
- You know who I'm talking about, Jill?
Number six, basketball team, the nice ass?
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh my god, the things i wanna do to that ass.
- We know.
- I wish I could tell you, I mean
I've told you, but oh god, I actually,
and this is great, I had a dream
the other night that he came on my face--
- would you shut the fuck up?
- What?
- I just don't wanna hear about it is all.
- What are you talking about?
- I get that you wanna have sex with
Justin, and that's great, but I don't
know why I hear about ever single fucking detail.
- 'Cause it's guy talk.
- What?
- I mean we're guys, we're talking,
I mean you tell me about the girls.
- No, I don't though, when do I do that?
- Right, you could if you wanted to,
and I would listen to you right because
that's how it goes, that's what friendship is,
we talk, that's what it is, I'd listen.
- All right, okay, yeah yeah,
you're in love with a homophobic asshole!
- Yeah, well you're in love with a fucking slut.
- What?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Since when was I in this fight?
- Hold on, did she ever tell you?
She ever really told you why she got
shipped across the country?
Has she really gone into it, huh?
- Can we not do this right now?
- Jill, I'm sorry, has she ever gone into it?
All the 40 year old fucking men,
skeezy, middle-aged dudes that just
wanna fuck some big-titted teenager.
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- And they still call her too, you know that?
From 3,000 miles away, and you know why?
- You're a piece of shit.
- 'Cause they know that she's just that desperate.
- Fuck you!
- Hey guys, stop, come on!
Come on!
- Soon as my parents get back from Norway,
I am telling them everything you've been up to.
Running around, leaving class to fuck this.
They're gonna have you back on a plane home
so fuck it'll make your fucking head spin.
- Fucking idiot!
- He's right you know.
- What do you mean, about what?
- I mean if I don't go home now,
I have to go home eventually.
- Why?
- My stuff's there, my friends are there.
- Your friends?
- I got into school there.
- Wait, what?
When were you gonna tell me?
- Dad called today.
The plane leaves Friday.
- I mean what about graduation,
you're just gonna, just not gonna go?
- I can't.
- I mean what the fuck?
I mean wow.
Okay.
So what, I mean now what do we do?
- Realistically or ideally because
I mean in a perfect world I want
you to move out there with me
and just pack your shit and grab a
plane ticket, but you wouldn't
do that, that's crazy, so I don't know.
I don't know.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
- Do what?
- Let's go, I wanna move with you.
- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No.
You wanna move?
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, I would.
Come on, let's just go.
Why not?
- Better hurry.
- Jill?
That girl you met a couple months ago, that Jill?
- It was 12 weeks ago, so that's three months.
- Oh excuse me, three months, that's a lifetime.
- Yup, I'm going.
- Yeah, it certainly looks that way doesn't it?
- Mmmhm, we're going this Friday and that's it,
so if you have anything to say
you can just keep it to yourself.
- So this, you're just gonna, hey,
this, you're just gonna skip it?
One of the most important days of
your life and you're just gonna flat out--
- yeah, I met someone, okay?
I met a girl that actually likes me.
- You'll meet others!
- Someone who makes my heart feel like
I'm not alone in this world, who makes
me feel like i matter, like I'm sexy.
Yeah, I know that sounds fucking
stupid to you, okay, but it's true!
Fuck it!
Okay, I'm going, and you can't stop me.
- You're in love with this girl?
Go for it.
Haul anchor, head across the country.
No plan, no money, no safety net.
That's what I did when mom died.
I'd be a hypocrite if I told you not to.
Quick question for you, how are you
gonna pay for rent when you're out there?
First, last month's rent, security deposit, transportation?
- I'll get a job.
- Oh, of course.
I'm sure that you will, the economy's just kicking.
- Just leave me alone, okay, please.
- Just on the off chance you don't,
what are you gonna do then?
- Just get the fuck out of here!
Jesus.
Goddammit.
- Oh my god, i can't wait to see you,
it's been so frigging long, I feel like
I'm gonna die if I don't get to fuck you soon.
- Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to that too.
- I hope so because I've got a
special surprise for you when you get here.
- Oh yeah?
What is it?
- If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, dummy.
Trust me, you'll like it.
- Okay.
- What about you?
Bringing anything for me?
- I don't know, maybe.
- So are we just gonna ignore the fact
that you've got a second eye now, or...
- I kept waiting for you to ask about it.
- I mean I didn't wanna just bring it,
I mean it seems like it'd be rude.
- No.
- So what, was it surgery or...
- No no no no, it's just a prosthetic.
- Oh, so like glass?
- Plastic acrylic is what they call it.
- Cool.
- I mean how does it look?
- No, yeah, no, it looks, yeah, it's good.
Yeah, it's cool.
- Good.
- So how long you gonna be gone for?
- Just a week.
This is part one of our two part plan, so...
- What's part two?
- To move out there.
All right, well thanks for the ride.
- Hey man, have a safe trip.
- Okay.
See ya.
- Hey Matt, wait a minute.
- Hmm?
- When you see Jill...
Tell her I'm sorry?
- Hey stranger.
Surprise.
So I'm liking the new look.
Is it glass?
- Plastic acrylic.
- Mmmm.
It looks really good.
Very lifelike.
I took a bunch of pictures before I
started and been sending you those.
In case you were wondering why doesn't it match.
So...
What do you think?
- You're gonna miss your turn.
- Thanks.
Science building, math building, art studio
is back there as well as the music studio.
That's where I've been spending
most of my time, where all my classes are.
I'm all stocked up on music electives,
but I'm gonna be fucked senior year
when I have to fulfill the ones
I'm supposed to, but living in the moment.
- Spin man, spin spin spin spin spin!
- Come on pat, you got this guy!
- Come on man, you got this!
Come on, come on!
Go baby, come on, come on!
You got him, you got him!
Come on, come on, go, go!
- Go baby, come on!
- All right man, chug it, chug it!
- Come on!
Man, you got it!
- Come on!
Come on, jabroni!
You got it, you got it, swing it.
Bam!
- In your face!
Oh my god, that's some goodness.
- You see something you like?
- What?
No no, I just, I know that girl.
She went to my high school for a little bit.
- You should've brought her to the cattle call.
That ass alone will put us over the top.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Okay everyone, everyone, okay, this is Matt.
- Hi Matt.
- Hi.
- James, Sarah, Rachel, Andy.
- James, Rachel, Andy?
- Rachel, yes.
- Got it.
I'm Matt, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I have to run, so I'll see you guys later.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you later!
- I have a good one if nobody else gets it.
- The graveyard.
- Ewww!
- That is bullshit.
- No, that is absolutely true, in fact
my first kiss was in a graveyard.
- On whose grave?
- Priscilla sears.
- Okay, i have a better one,
I have a better one, i have a better one.
Okay, it wasn't sex, but I did
get a handjob in a grandfather clock.
- Oh my god.
How is that possible?
- It was a large grandfather clock.
- A large grandfather clock.
- It was like imagine the size--
- can I just tell you what I'm imagining right now?
- Please, yeah.
- So it's just like here's this
grandfather clock and you're inside it?
- Yeah.
- She's just outside it?
- No, we're both inside it!
I'm a gentleman.
- That's some bullshit.
- Grandfather clock though.
- Do I win, do I win?
- I don't know, does grandfather clock.
- Hey, hey, how about her?
- Which one?
- The blonde girl, white shirt.
- Nah, too thing.
- All right.
Oh, oh, what about her?
In the, what you call them, the jeggings.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- Seriously, she's completely normal.
- That's normal?
- Yeah.
- That's normal?
- Yes it is.
- Okay, maybe back in Wisconsin with the farm girls--
- dude, I'm from Rhode Island.
- All right, well whatever, man.
You tell me then.
What are we looking for, huh?
What?
- It's so nice, is it like this every day?
- Yes.
That's why I love it here.
- Thanks.
- Okay, so I have no way to prove it,
but I'm pretty sure the mirror in the
bathroom is one of those two-sided
mirrors you see in cop shows.
- No way.
- Yes, because i could see a figure.
- Thank you.
You could what?
- What is this?
- Hmm?
- When did you order these?
- While you were in the restroom.
- I told you i didn't want dessert.
- Yeah, I know, I just thought
I haven't seen you in a while,
so I thought we should celebrate.
- Right, but I told you I didn't want any.
- Oh come on, just have some ice cream with me.
- I'm good.
- I'm paying.
- I'm good.
- You know that's all I could
think about on the plane down here?
- What, taking a baseball bat to the
tiny shred of willpower I've developed?
- No, just buying you meals and stuff.
'Cause you always did the buying before.
- My parents did the buying, it was their credit card.
- Well I finally saved up some money
and I've been working like you wouldn't believe.
I just thought it would be nice
to take you out for a meal and--
- hey, you can pay for the dinner.
- A salad?
What is that, come on, that's not a meal.
- It had chicken on it, that's protein.
That makes it a meal.
- Wow, you actually just said that.
- What is so horrible about having a salad?
- Nothing, it's fine.
You know what, don't eat it, I don't care.
Watch it melt.
- Jill.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Yeah, I'd say pretty good.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- You look really good.
- Carl, this is my boyfriend Matt.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
- So wow, wow.
- Yeah.
- We should get together.
Get some coffee or...
Something.
- Possibly, yeah.
- You got my number?
- I must.
- I want you to call me.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Wow, you look great.
- Thank you, thanks, i appreciate that.
- Yeah, okay.
Nice to meet you, mark.
- It's good.
Good ice cream.
Happy?
Oh my god, I cannot
believe that she looks like that.
I know, I really--
- guys, I'm just
saying her ass is the size of Texas.
- Well it's the size.
I'm doing this thing where I eat
cheese and have a piece of salad.
Then I run--
- I just wanna burn the calories,
I don't wanna do it, i don't wanna do it.
Okay, okay, hold on.
So what did he say when you found the condoms,
or I should say the dearth of condoms?
They broke up for three days and when they got
back together, four of them were missing.
- Woof.
- He said he likes
to jerk off into them.
Please tell me you did
not fuck him after you got back together.
- I mean I saw him and things...
- All right, look, we're going
to a party ad bel air's tonight.
Join us, we'll find you a guy.
- Ben says he
thinks we can make this work.
- Fuck that psion-driving douche.
You're young and hot, what the fuck
do you wanna be tied down to a guy for?
This is college.
- I know, I just--
- all right, you think you love this guy?
Okay, let's say he's being honest,
let's say he's turned over a new leaf and
you guys find a way to make it work or whatever.
Ask yourself this one question.
Do you really wanna go the rest of your
life wondering if you could've done better?
- Hey.
- What's this?
You made dinner?
- Yeah.
It's a special recipe i picked up at the restaurant.
I figured it's our last night here,
and we've been eating out all week, so...
- Uh-huh, and what's in it?
You know I've been--
- well it's gluten free and dairy free.
It's all appropriate.
- All right.
Let me just take out the trash.
I got it.
- I can get it.
- You made dinner, I'll take out the trash.
- Jill, come on, just let me do it.
Really, let me do it.
- No, it's a habit.
Can you not?
- It's the least i can do, come on.
- Dairy free huh?
- Here, just let me...
- What part of "I'm on a diet" do you not understand?
Okay, seriously dude, heavy cream?
Are you kidding me?
- Those are the ingredients, that's what
goes into it, it's not a big deal.
- Oh really?
- It's no big deal.
- No big deal, huh?
Okay, do you realize this is one
of the hardest things I've ever done?
Do you even realize how--
- oh my god, you run around in
circles once a day, how hard can that be?
- What?
- Hold on, just, here, just taste it.
Here, just try it, just try it.
Just have a taste.
- Oh my god, no.
- Please, then we'll talk.
- Just try it, just taste it!
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- Fucking eat it, eat it!
- Jill, hey Jill!
Jill!
Jill, Jill, listen!
- Get out of here, go!
- Please just tell me what you want, Jill!
- What I want?
You want me to tell you what I want?
I want you to get your ass on a fucking
plane and go back to Rhode Island and never
fucking talk to me again, that's what I want!
- You know, you'll never be one of them.
- What?
- You know that right?
Even if you wanted to be.
Even if they want you to be, which they don't.
- Said the guy with the glass eye!
Oh, my bad, sorry, "plastic acrylic".
- Hey fuck you!
- You know what, actually, stop me if you've heard this one.
Some bitch walks up Winston Churchill at a
party and says Mr. Churchill, you're drunk.
To which Churchill replies yes, but in the morning
I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.
I keep doing what I'm doing, and eventually I'll be thin.
And at the end of the day, you'll still be deformed.
It's a great word, isn't it?
Deformed?
Such a you word.
You know, you'll also still be an idiot
by the way, I mean wow, great plan, patton!
One fatty meal, 50 pounds
is gonna leap back on me, wow!
- You lied to me.
- I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you about it.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
- That's a lie, that's, what's the word,
equivocating, which is basically exactly the same thing!
- Actually no, it's not because this doesn't
negatively impact you in any way, okay?
Tell me what's wrong with what I'm doing.
- 'Cause you're a fucking fatass, okay?
And I like that about you.
I like that the only guys I'm competing
against are elderly degenerates and
guys that sickens me to think of you with,
but the rest of the world wouldn't
touch with a 10 foot pole, and you
shouldn't be able to change all
that without fucking telling me!
- You have a beautiful day.
- Fuck!
- Hey.
- I'm just looking for a jump rope.
- They're over there.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, don't I know you?
I mean were you a student at Benjamin frank high?
A transfer student or whatever?
- Yeah, I was.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I helped you with your books that one time.
You dropped them.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- After your friends knocked them out of my hands?
- So you like working out down here?
- It's all right.
- Yeah.
I mean it can get pretty busy upstairs sometimes, you know.
I've had to wait 10 minutes to get on
a treadmill before, it's crazy right?
- If you say so.
- Hey, look, I don't know what your plans are tonight.
Me and some buddies were thinking of
throwing a little party over the frat house.
I don't know what you got going on, but I
was thinking that maybe you'd like to join us.
I mean I know we don't know each other
very well or anything, but it could
be nice to see a familiar face.
Hey, wait up.
Just, hey.
Hey.
So which dorm are you in, O'Malley's, or I mean--
- don't fucking touch me!
Okay, whatever it is you're doing
you can just stop right now.
- I'm not, I don't know what you're--
- I don't know what you're up to, and I don't
wanna find out, so just leave me the fuck alone.
- Okay, what makes you think that I'm up to anything?
- Is that a joke?
- No.
- Some Abercrombie and Fitch cover boy just strolls
up to the chubby girl doing laps in
the basement and asks her on a date?
Yeah, fuck that shit.
- Whoa, okay, first of all, it's not a date.
I mean...
Okay, I was just asking if you
wanted to check out a really cool party.
- And I said no.
- But why?
I mean--
- because I don't want to.
- That's not an answer though.
- I don't have to give you one.
- All right, but still, don't you
think it would be the polite thing to do?
Just to show a little courtesy
to a guy who's going out on a limb here?
I mean be candor with me and--
- you want candor, fine.
You bore me.
- Okay.
- From your fucking pretty boy smile
to your shoes to your innermost thoughts
and feelings, have you listened to yourself talk?
"Oh I gotta wait 10 minutes for a treadmill," come on.
You know, I guess I just have better things to
do on a Friday night than play beer pong
with a bunch of date rapists in training.
- Wow.
Yeah, you have got me all wrong here.
I'm a nice guy, okay?
- I don't care.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's me.
Yeah, what are you doing tonight?
- Is he going out?
I don't know where he's going.
Where are you going?
I said where are you going.
Hello, am I talking to a brick wall here?
Say something.
- Out, okay?
I'm going out.
- Where?
- Elmo's gonna pick me up, we're just gonna drive around.
It's not a big deal, okay?
Have you seen my wallet anywhere?
- One second.
I'll be right back, honey.
- Huh?
- I'd rather you stay home tonight.
Look, it sucks what you're going through.
I know that, i know it's the worst
feeling in the world and anything
I say is gonna sound like--
- damn it, where's my fucking wallet?
- Hey, are you listening to me?
- Yeah, I'm listening!
- I'm telling you I think you should stay home!
- That was astoundingly like the advice
you gave me six months ago, and look
where that fucking got me, okay?
- I'm trying to help you.
- Help me?
Are you kidding me?
You're a single mother looking
around for her deadbeat ex-husband
trying to get child support, okay,
so don't help me, help yourself okay?
- All right, do what you want.
I'm done.
Hey honey.
- Hey.
Oh hey, a letter came for you,
somebody slipped it under the door.
It was on the floor when I came in.
- That one there, that's him.
Click on it.
Nice.
- He's handsome.
- He's too handsome, i wouldn't trust him.
- See, now why would you say that?
- Maybe he's a nice guy.
- Or maybe he really likes her.
- Based on what, he doesn't know her.
- I don't know, how should I know?
I'm just saying it's possible.
- Yeah, you say it's possible, and it's usually
not possible, do you even know what tonight is?
- What's tonight?
- It's nothing.
Never mind.
- No, tell me, what's tonight?
- It's nothing, I mean I'm just saying I wouldn't call him.
- Is it something...
- No.
No, no.
- Why can't you tell me?
- It's just, it's this stupid thing fraternities do.
- All right, well I guess if it's nothing I can call him.
- It's just...
Have you ever heard of the cattle call?
- What?
What, what is it?
What did I do?
- I don't know, it's...
I don't feel like this is necessary.
- Necessary?
- Yeah, I mean...
You're here, I'm here.
What's the hurry?
- I'm not in a hurry.
- Why do you keep doing it?
I just mean it's like every time
that we're together it's always...
- Because I like you.
I mean what do you want me to say?
- You don't even know me.
- Yeah I do.
- Really?
What do you know about me?
- Okay, I'm not doing this.
- Okay, fine, I don't care.
- You're a fucking asshole.
- No, no I'm not, okay?
This is the kind of shit I'm talking about.
I read.
I have thoughts, I...
I have an imagination, I go to
places that you don't even know.
I do things for people.
- Oh my god, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Because I care.
That's the kind of shit that I want you to want
me for, that's what i want you to know about me.
I'm a decent guy.
Wow.
You look...
Wow.
You ready to go?
Okay.
- Okay, you're gonna like them,
they're super cool, trust me, it's gonna be,
how much cash do you have on you?
- Not a lot, why?
- Here, just take this.
Take that.
All right, the beer is free, but the liquor costs
money okay, so when you offer to buy a girl
a drink, make sure you pull out the whole wad.
Okay, let her see it.
- Why?
- So she knows you have deep pockets.
- Yeah, but I don't.
- Right, but she doesn't even know that, all right?
They only see what you want them to see.
Hey!
I got someone i need you to meet!
Hey, hey, Toni!
Toni, Toni, this is Matt, Matt, this is Toni.
Toni is in my women's studies class and she's insane.
- Hi.
- So what's with the weird outfit?
- What, what do you mean?
- Yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell him about the theme.
- What?
What theme?
- Boys will be girls night.
Yeah, I should've told you man, I'm sorry about that.
- How come you're not dressed up?
- Me, oh, I'm waiting for someone.
- Oooo!
- Shut up, shut up.
- Who?
- Just a friend, don't worry about it, it's gonna be fine.
- Hey, just...
Be careful.
- All right, have fun!
- Hey, I think there's some extra boas upstairs.
Come with me, I'll get you in uniform.
- 236, ladies and gentlemen!
Who we got next?
Got you, come on up.
Aww, sweetie, don't be a sourpuss.
All right, who's up?
195, 195!
- Jill?
- Huh?
- Do you want a beer or something?
- Yeah.
- What do you want?
- I don't care.
- What is it?
- For you.
Let's see.
- No, that's it.
No no no.
No, I don't want any of that please.
- Oh yes you do.
- No, I'm really, I'm all set.
- Hey, just shut up and let me do it.
You will look so good, you've already got
that semi-feminine thing going on anyway.
High cheek bones, you have big full lips.
This will be a cinch.
- No, I don't want that.
- Just trust me!
- Listen to me, I said i don't wanna do that!
- All right.
So what do you want to do then?
- Hey, Justin.
You made it, man.
- Hey there, uh...
- Elmo.
- Elmo, elmo.
- So did you find the place okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it was kinda...
What kind of party did you say this was again?
- Oh, it's like a stupid costume party.
Normally I wouldn't be caught dead
in a place like this, too many fags.
But a boatload of theater chicks though right?
Tell you what, why don't I grab
your coat and get you some goose.
- You know, I think I'm just,
I think I'm gonna head out.
This place is just a little too wild for my tastes.
- Oh, yeah, no, I get it.
Tell you what, get you a drink--
- it's all right.
- You sure?
You all right? - Yeah, I'll just, yeah.
- Okay, yeah, drive safe.
Justin!
- Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?
- Oh shit, it's you.
Patrick keever huh?
- What?
- I heard dude, he's a fucking stud.
I'm jealous.
- Who are you with?
- Fabio, he's the sexy Latin dude taking the photos.
He's got his own name tattooed on
his back and he's already misused the
word pedantic twice in conversation tonight.
But fuck it, he's on the rowing team
and he's got biceps like softballs.
So who gives a shit right?
But yeah, Patrick.
You're a lucky girl.
Got a fun night ahead of you.
- Look, I gotta talk to you about something.
- Why do they all wear solid black?
I mean whatever happened to vertical stripes right?
- I don't think I can do this.
- What?
What are you talking about?
You're one of my best pledges.
- Isn't there any other way?
- You wanna leave, no one's forcing you to be here.
- No, I know, it's just--
- more importantly, no one's forcing her to be here.
She's not stupid, she knows what's going on.
Why do you think she hasn't stormed out by now?
Why haven't all of them stormed out?
- I don't know.
- Because they wanna fuck a bunch of good looking dudes.
Are we exploiting them?
Obviously.
Are they exploiting us right back?
You better believe it.
- Cheers.
- I'm not gonna fuck you.
- Wow, that's a relief.
- I'm just saying, you're not my type.
I figured we should get that out of the way up front.
- Up front, you mean like after I pay for your drink?
- It's nothing personal.
You're just too...
Normal.
- Normal.
Oh god, okay.
Of course, of course that's the reason.
- What?
Whoa.
- You want different, huh, you want weird?
There you go, it's all yours.
You know what, the funny thing is I actually
don't disagree with you, I really don't.
I don't care what the fuck you call me.
I just wish that you guys, all you guys
would just get together and agree on it
'cause I don't know what the fuck I am.
And all these guys, they seem to know.
I mean they're here, they put on
this little uniform, and the only
reason I don't have mine on is because
this thing doesn't, it doesn't fit me.
And if it did, if there was something
I could wear or say or do, then...
Are you even listening to me right now?
I'm saying something to you.
- Shit, that is so fucking cool.
- Unbelievable.
- No, how did it happen?
You gotta tell me.
Actually wait, before you start.
Hey Andy!
Get over here, you've gotta see this!
- 204...
205, ladies and gentlemen, 205!
All right, last up.
Hey tons of fun, come on.
Come on sweetie, it'll just take a second, let's go.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Come on, it's not gonna hurt.
Just get up.
- I said I didn't--
- just get on the scale.
- I'm not doing this, I don't--
- get your fucking hands off her!
You okay?
- Yeah.
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
I was just taking her on the scale.
- She doesn't wanna get on the scale, so do not touch her!
- She doesn't wanna get on the scale?
What are you, her bodyguard all of a sudden?
- What's going on?
- She doesn't wanna get on the scale.
- So?
- So everyone else has, so she has to now.
- She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't wanna do.
This is supposed to be fun.
- Yeah, but everyone else has--
- I don't give a shit about everyone else.
Only person I care about is...
What's your name?
- Jill.
- Beautiful name.
All that's important is that you have
a good time, isn't that right Patrick?
- Yeah.
- Upstairs.
Last door on the left.
- How did you know I played basketball back then?
- Well we went to the same high school remember?
- You went to Ben frank?
- Yeah.
Don't you remember there was that
one time we were in the hallway,
I was looking at the college placement board,
and you came up and I was like
hey look, we're going to the same school
and you said nice, I'll see you there.
You want another beer?
- No, that...
- Who is she?
- She's, we were dating.
- Were dating, as in you guys broke up?
- Not exactly.
- Right.
Not exactly.
How long have you been together?
- Year and a half.
We were trying the whole long distance thing.
- Oh really?
How's that working out for you?
That was another joke.
- Right, yeah.
- Oh god.
I'm such a shitty singer.
- Oh fuck, were you even listening?
Come on man, no, you're good. - You got a good voice.
- No, no, shut up, that's wrong.
- Fuck that, it's true.
- No man, it's not, I'm not gonna.
- Oh come on.
- Watch it, jeez.
Outta here.
Roker, huh?
You read him yet, he's good.
He's kinda like...
What's his name?
Whatever.
There was this poet that my dad knew,
or knew someone who, I don't know,
but this guy, he was like, not famous
or anything, he was just unbearably ugly.
Like hideous.
And no woman would touch him, so he...
He tried guys.
No guys would touch him.
So he tried hookers.
But none of them would touch him either.
- Take off your pants.
- Don't you wanna just wait a little bit?
- For what?
- I don't know, just...
- Just take them off.
- Okay, just give me a minute.
- So one day he went out to a store.
He bought one of those plastic revolvers.
And he took the little orange tip off,
the one that makes you know it's a toy.
And he ran out into traffic just waving it.
And the police came out and tackled him
and threw him on the hood of the car.
- Is everything okay?
- Just a second, okay?
- I can help with something--
- no, I just, just give me a minute okay?
- He said it felt wonderful.
Fuck, what was his name?
Justin?
Yo dude, you awake?
- So still too normal to fuck?
- No.
Not normal.
Just...
Pathetic.
- Fucker.
- Hey.
Have a good night, sweetheart.
- Hey.
Wait, no no, hey, no, I'm sorry,
I thought you knew, i thought, you were
touching me, I just thought that you knew.
Oh god, please don't hate me.
I love you.
- Hello?
What?
- This way?
Hi, hey, excuse me, can you help me?
Excuse me?
Shit.
Excuse me!
- Sir?
- Hi, I have a friend here,
can you tell me where exactly he is?
- All right, I understand.
I'll be with you in just a second, for right
now though, please stand behind the yellow line.
- No no no, you don't understand, please,
can you just tell me which room he's in and--
- sir, behind the yellow line now.
- Please, just--
- I'm so sorry.
- God, get off the fucking phone, help me!
- Security!
- Okay, okay, okay, no, it's fine, I'm over here.
- Just sit.
- Fuck.
- Elmo moss?
- He's in critical care, please take a seat.
- How are you?
Did you take a red eye, or how--
- look, just do me a favor and don't talk to me.
- Do you want me to sit somewhere else?
- I don't care.
- You don't care, or you--
- just don't talk to me.
- Okay.
- Don't talk--
- okay.