Hi. It's good you're here.
We had an appointment for 8. Now it's 10 and I don't have all day.
You people always say to hell with customers and appointments.
- Keld? - Huh?
- What do you say? - What?
- What do you say? - Nothing.
Did you have a look?
- At what? - At the travel brochures.
Oh, that... No, not really.
I don't think we can afford it.
Have you thought about going to that dance class?
Yes, but...
- You have that shoulder problem. - Yeah.
Keld... I'm moving.
I'm moving over to my sister's.
- Really? - So...
Rie...
This is Jytte Markmand. I'm tired of waiting -
- so I've found another plumber. Good-bye.
This is Peter Staal, calling yet again. Just because you...
CLOSED BECAUSE OF
Rie? Is it you?
CHINAMAN
Hi, my friend. What'll it be?
I'm... having a look...
- Just have a look, okay? - Right.
- What do you say? 6 with chicken? - "Sex... with chicken"?
Or number 11? Fried noodles. It's good, too.
- I think I'll just have a number 1. - Eat here, or to go?
- Eat here. - Okay.
Here you are... Chicken soup.
"Good morning."
I just wanted to say... I've thought about everything.
Maybe we could find a good deal in this travel brochure, anyway.
It's too late, Keld.
I've already booked a trip. I'm going on a cruise.
- Oh, yeah...? Alone? - No. Life goes on, Keld.
Pardon me for saying it, but our marriage was a funeral.
Yeah, hello? It's about selling off the effects of a deceased.
- $250. Minus the chess game, 225. - Okay.
Please take your money.
- Bye-bye - Bye.
"Chess Talent Keld Decker Strikes Again"
You had number 1 on Tuesday, number 2 on Wednesday -
- number 3 yesterday. And today...?
I think a...
- Number 4. - Number 4?
1, 2, 3, 4. Dammit, that's funny.
- My name's Feng. What's yours? - My name's Keld Decker.
- Kelladecker? - Just Keld.
Okay, Keld. And every evening, you eat here?
We're in the process of splitting up, so...
So we'll find a nice Chinese wife for you.
- No... - Yes, Chinese wives are very nice.
I don't want a new wife. I just want number 4.
Okay, number 4. Spring Roll Special.
- You want soy sauce on it? - Yes. Eat here.
Keld? What have you done? Where are all our things?
Where's it all gone?
Someone came who buys up estates of the deceased.
Where's my chandelier?
He took that, too.
Listen: I'll make sure you get the divorce papers. You sign them, okay?
Then you send them to me, we'll be called in to a meeting -
- and then we'll be divorced.
We can skip the separation if you admit adultery.
- But I haven't... - I know. This way it'll go faster.
- Can't we think it over? - No. We're getting it over with. Now.
But Rie, can't we just buy new furniture and new clothes, or...
"We're family."
Hi, Poppa.
Give me a hand with this.
Don't worry, I have the receipt.
What the hell have you done?
- Where the hell's Mom? - I think she's at your aunt's.
- What's going on? - I think she needs some time alone.
- Have you been balling other women? - No. I'm sure she'll be back.
I sure as hell hope so. For your sake.
- We'll just buy new furniture. - Okay.
Then we can start with this television.
If I say two hundred bucks, you've made yourself a good deal.
Yeah.
Do you have time for a game of chess?
Since when have we begun playing chess again?
It must be ten years since we've played.
Yes, but I just thought...
Just get back together, okay?
I eat here Tuesday and Thursday.
It's structuralization.
One's everyday life has to be structured.
On Monday and Friday I eat at the central station cafeteria.
Wednesday and Saturday it's the pizzeria -
- but Tuesday and Thursday I'm here.
- What about Sunday? - I improvise.
I'm a kind of culinary refugee.
My stomach can't take the Swedish cuisine.
Keld doesn't eat here just Tuesday and Thursday. It's every evening.
No kidding?
- Keld's my best customer. - That's really something.
- Every single evening? - Yeah.
Is something wrong?
- Thanks for the help. - Don't mention it.
I didn't do the plumbing. It was my uncle.
I don't think your uncle's a plumber.
No, no. He's just Chinese. But he said those pipes were tip-top.
- They're not tip-top. - No...
- That's my son, Zhang. - Hi.
- And my cousin. - Hi.
And my wife.
She says we should give you dry clothes.
It's only water...
Oh, come on... Come on, Keld.
Okay...
My grandma asked who the ugly man with the big nose was.
- Keld? You're a real plumber? - Yes.
Will you work for me? It has to be done right.
All these pipes.
It's quite a big job, you know.
Maybe you could come every morning and work a little.
Yeah... I guess I could take a look at it.
But...
- I don't have any money. - Oh.
We Chinese work hard but we don't earn much.
All those pizzerias and shawarma bars...
Dammit, they're killing me. It's the Pakis.
They steal our trade.
- What? Wives? - No, trade.
Oh, trade.
But we can say you get a little black money. Lots of food.
Dammit, Keld! That boy's driving me crazy.
- Do you have any kids? - Yes, I have one. A son.
- You hit him, too? - No, he's grown up.
They think they can decide everything themselves.
It's no good. A son saying no to his own father!
- That's not so unusual in Denmark. - A son must obey his father.
- I'm the one who decides. - Yeah, well...
Oh, I have customers.
Hey, Keld. A father must not be afraid of his own son.
That's that.
And the section about infidelity?
- Yes, well... - Mom said you should sign it.
I haven't been unfaithful.
What do I know? She just said it all had to be signed.
I'm not going to do it.
She can just say she's been unfaithful to me.
We're going to have to sort this out.
"A good offer."
Hi, Keld. Here's some food.
I've noticed a problem.
Yesterday you got number 22. You've eaten all the numbers. What now?
I think we'll just start over.
Good idea. We start over with number 1. Of course I make extra.
- A fresh start. - Okay.
- Oh, Keld. Come... - What...?
- Hi. - Hi.
Just have a seat.
I hear you're divorced from your old wife.
Yes... Soon.
I have a sister named Ling. She's on a visit now in Denmark.
But she has to go home because her tourist visa has run out.
It's not good in China for a lady to live alone. It's very hard, Keld.
I want her to stay in Denmark and live with us.
But, you know what? She can't stay in Denmark.
- Why not? - Immigration laws.
- That's not so good. - It's very bad... Really bad.
Here you are. It's Chinese tea. Very good.
- Thank you very much. - Yes, it's good tea.
Keld. We're good friends.
- Aren't we? - Yes.
I'll pay you $4,000 to marry my sister.
Until she has her permanent visa.
Then you can get divorced and she can stay in Denmark anyway.
$4,000. That's a good price.
Maybe...?
Okay, we'll drop it.
We'll start all over with number 1. Chicken soup.
- Okay? - Yes.
You'll have to excuse me. This is my first divorce, so...
You've both signed the divorce papers, so that's taken care of.
And Keld, we note that you have signed a statement of infidelity.
No, I haven't.
Isn't that your signature?
- Isn't it? - No.
Are you annulling your statement of infidelity, or what?
- I haven't... - Who knows what he's doing.
And Michael was quite sure, too.
All right. We'll say it's my signature.
Good.
Then we can proceed to the conditions for a divorce without separation.
Now we have to determine possible economic compensation.
Like who's going to keep the flat and...
That's no problem. Keld can keep the flat.
I earn my own money. I just want to get on with my life.
One must be careful not to give up one's rights in the heat of the moment.
Okay, we can say Keld gives me $8,000, and the case is closed.
What do you say to that, Keld?
- Right... - Good.
Then the settlement sum is $8,000.
This is Peter Staal calling yet again. Just because you're a plumber -
- shouldn't mean you can't answer the phone once in a while.
Pardon me, Feng.
Dammit, Keld. That boy's impossible.
Right.
I'm willing... to marry your sister...
...for $8,000.
Thank you! We say, thank you very, very much.
- Thanks a lot. - You want to meet my sister, yes?
She's not so well today. A little headache, but not serious.
We say thank you very, very, very much!
- "What is your name?" - What?
"My name is Peter."
"My name is Peter"...or Keld.
What is this I hear?
What do you hear?
That you're getting married to his sister.
- It's just to help Feng. - You're skating on thin ice.
How's that?
You shouldn't get involved with people like that.
- Why not? - I wouldn't feel good about it.
If you happen to annoy them... If you don't keep your word...
What then?
I'd think twice before I married one of those people.
I mean it.
I hate that grill.
I hate having to live with my parents. I'm 20 years old.
I want to leave home like normal people.
My father says: "You must live close to grill."
Okay.
This is... Oh, no!
Maybe you could say something to him.
- About what? - Now that we're family.
Right.
Keld, this is my little sister.
Hello... My name is Ling.
Hello...
My name is Keld.
Yes, there.
- Just put it in there? - Yes.
Keld, there has to be two mattresses.
If the police come, it has to look like man and wife.
Right.
- Of course you won't sleep here. - No, of course not.
Dammit, Keld, you don't have much furniture.
No, I sold it.
- We're friends now, Keld. - Yes.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Hello.
"Bathroom"...
Look... Ling has written a false love letter.
Here... It's a good one.
"Dearest Keld. I was so happy to hear from you.
I am your rosebud that longs for a gardener's caress."
She's good at writing about love. Isn't she, Keld?
- Yes. - You have to invent letters, too.
- Say something about love. - Yes... well...
"Thank you for your... letter.
I miss you, too...
...my flower."
This isn't going to work, Feng. I can't do it.
- Okay, I'll write it for you. - The immigration people aren't dumb.
- They'll find out. - We're smart. They won't find out.
We'll fool them. We'll hold a big wedding.
- When do I get that money? - As soon as the temporary visa comes.
Then you'll get your money.
Okay, Feng, I'm coming.
- Oh... Hi. - What the hell's happening here?
I'm just going to a wedding.
- Who's getting married? - It's just pro forma, so...
Okay, but who's getting married?
It's... I am.
- You're getting married? - Yes.
It's just some clothes I rented.
- Is it that neighbor with the big boobs? - No, no, no.
Can you put this on for me?
It's a Chinese lady from China.
I actually don't know her at all. It's just pro forma.
Does Mom know you're getting married?
I'm only doing it to raise that money she's supposed to get.
That's why I came, actually.
- Mom wants her money. - Yes.
- I'll let her know, then. - Yes. Come on.
Jesus Christ, man!
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
- Dammit, Keld, you look great! - Thanks.
- That's your car. - Right.
If you sit down in this car now...
- Then there's no way back. - Really?
Keld Chinaman.
"Chinaman"?
That's your name. From now on.
"Chinaman"...
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- You have to toast each table. - All the tables?
Yes. It's an important Chinese tradition. Shall we? Come on.
Cheers... Cheers.
In a lovely garden
filled by the golden sun
full of scents of lilies
roses and violets
here we meet each other
I am heavy and weary
you, on your white wings
float along so lightly.
Little butterfly...
little butterfly...
Hey, watch out.
Keld... dammit. It was a good wedding, wasn't it?
We're family now.
- I'd just like to sleep now. - Really? But, Keld...
It was only pro forma, right? No hanky-panky.
- No. - Okay? Only pro forma.
Thank you.
"Warm"...Warm.
"Vawm".
"Plate".
- "Plate". - Plate.
- Plate.
- "Camping table". - "Camping table".
Camping table.
- "Things". - "Things".
Many... things.
"Office".
Thank you.
Hi.
I've just come to collect Mother's money.
You owe her eight kilos, right? After your fine wedding.
That's not how it works, Michael.
The money's not coming until she's gotten her visa.
- What kind of rule is that? - I thought you knew.
I'll just tell Mother, then.
The shop's open again, so everything's under control.
This is Ling, by the way.
"How are you?"
Keld?
- Oh, hi. - Hi. How's it going?
It's going fine. I opened the shop again.
Yes, Michael told me.
Anything else been happening?
- I've gotten married. - He said that, too.
- It's purely pro forma. - Pro forma...
I don't know her. She's from China. She's Feng's sister.
- And who's this Feng? - He owns the grill bar.
- Really? - That's where I eat every evening.
One evening a water pipe went bust.
Then I met his sister and now we're married. Pro forma, of course.
I actually did it because you need some money, right?
- You'll get it soon. - There's no big rush.
- You were going on a cruise. - That cruise didn't work out.
- Really? - Keld...
I realize I started all this. We've said so many wrong things.
But... we have so many good things together, haven't we?
We have to learn to say the good things.
- Yes. - We must.
We shouldn't say anything now.
I'm going now. And then...
...we'll think about what it is we want.
- Okay? - Yes.
- Bye. - Bye.
"Keld is a good man and we love each other very much."
Yeah, that's what they all say.
But she has a nice name.
- Hi, Keld. - Is she alright?
- Who? - Ling.
Yes, she's fine. And she says she likes living in your flat.
Like husband and wife.
It's just that I happened to notice -
- that she has a lot of pills and medicine.
Those aren't real pills. Ling's Chinese, right?
- All Chinese take herb medicine. - It's not real medicine?
No, no, no. It's ancient Chinese medicine.
All Chinese use it all the time.
- Are you sure? - Yes, yes.
Ling is feeling fine.
- Everything is fine! - Okay.
The interpreter will say this when she comes.
Or maybe you know enough Chinese to understand?
- It's probably best to wait. - Can't you speak any Chinese?
Yes... of course I can.
Would you translate this for me?
Just something like: "Congratulations with everything."
"May I see the menu."
I would like a spring roll.
"Welcome to our country."
"Hot water, cold water."
And: "Good luck with your new life."
"Where is the closest hospital?"
I am a plumber.
And now you may kiss each other.
I'm just kidding!
I hope you'll be very happy together.
- Dammit, Keld! - Yes.
- Cheers. - Congratulations!
- Oh, pardon me. - Rie?
Congratulations. I haven't congratulated the two of you.
No...
I can't figure out what's happening.
We're supposed to think about giving ourselves another chance.
- You haven't made a decision? - No. It's all rather... complicated.
Yes, it looks a little complicated.
Ling, this is Rie. Rie, this is Ling.
Hi.
- I'll make a pot of tea. - Yes.
This is pro forma? This is just for the money?
Yes.
- Oh, boy. - "Oh, boy".
Oh, boy. We better hope no one finds out, huh?
What do you mean?
It makes me a little bitter, you lying in what once was my flat -
- getting an erotic massage from some little number from Thailand.
She's... from China. I've told you that.
How about you giving all my things away? How about my chandelier?
She's gotten her visa so you'll get your money, okay?
That's it, then.
Thank you.
It would be good if I got my money tomorrow.
Otherwise someone might say the wrong thing.
Like calling the police and saying it's not a real marriage.
Then she'd be on her way home again.
- You mean you don't have the money? - No, not yet.
It can't go on like this, Feng.
That wedding, you know. Too many guests. Too much drinking.
Very expensive marriage. So I don't lose face.
What do you call this, then?
Now I lose face with you. I'm not good at keeping agreements.
- You promised me 8,000! - Really, Keld?
If I don't get the money, your sister goes straight back to China.
Let's have 6 with chicken and calm down.
I don't want 6 with chicken. I need the money, Feng. Right now.
- Dammit, Keld. - Stop that "dammit, Keld".
You can just come with your fucking triads.
I could care less if I get killed.
And your fucking pipes are fixed... dammit!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Speak Danish, dammit!
This is Denmark, so learn Danish if you want to be here.
It's not so damn hard. "Front door"! "Wallpaper"!
"Ceiling"! "Floor"!
"Jacket"!
"I'm sorry."
- Hi. - Hi.
- Here's something from my father. - Oh? Where'd he get it?
He borrowed it from some cousins.
It wasn't easy for him. He lost face, which isn't so good if you're Chinese.
I think he feels really bad, because he hasn't hassled me today.
You can tell him that I need...
...this money.
- I really do. - I'll let him know.
- Good. - Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
Here it is.
- The money. - You better count it, Mom.
- Then there's you and me, Rie. - What about us?
I don't know quite how to say it...
You're in love.
- You've already made her sad enough. - Get inside, Michael.
- You should be ashamed, cocksucker. - Get inside!
So, that's the way it is?
Yes.
- Then there's no more to talk about. - No.
Keld, dammit, my friend. Eat here, take out?
- Is she here? - Who?
Is she here?
Love problems, Chinaman?
Love can be heavenly or like being in Hell.
But one thing is for sure.
Love must be professed.
If it isn't...
...it's neither here nor there.
There's nothing worse than that.
You must profess your love... Chinaman.
"I love you."
It's over-worked.
The heart isn't strong enough, so the organs don't get enough oxygen.
The lungs must compensate for the faster breathing.
In the end the blood circulation stops.
So...
...I'm very sorry.
Keld, I knew... I knew her heart was too large.
That's why she came to Denmark. To get well.
Dammit, Keld. I didn't know you'd fall in love with each other.
It was only pro forma. Pro forma!
Keld Decker? This is a cohabitation check. May we come in?
It doesn't look too good, I'm sorry to say.
No.
There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom.
There's only a single bed.
And there's no trace of women's clothes.
We can only conclude that you live here alone.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
I can't... I can't...
- You'll hear from us. - Yeah.
Mom was real sorry to hear...
I was the one who called the cops and said your marriage was pro forma.
How could I know she was ill?
I'm sorry, Dad.
Michael...
- It was... - Should we play a game of chess?
If you still feel like it.
Yes.
Will you fetch it?
My grandmother wants Ling's ashes sent back to our village.
Not just left sitting on a shelf in Denmark.
All of our family members' ashes have been cast into the local river.
So she wants us sent home when we die.
I'd like to send Zhang to China with the urn.
But, you know what? A plane ticket like that is very expensive.
We sent my uncle by surface mail.
- He disappeared en route. - He did?
Dammit, Keld, we never got him back!
- That wasn't so good. - No.
But we might have to send Ling by mail, too.
- What would you like? - Nothing. Thanks, anyway.
- Hi, Rie. - Hi. I thought I could find you here.
Yeah. This is where I eat. Every evening.
- They call me "Chinaman". - "Chinaman"?
Yeah.
- What's that? - The money.
- But, why? - So you can buy new furniture.
Or whatever you like.
I've taken some, and kept some for Michael.
- That's why I came. - Yeah.
- See you, Chinaman. - Bye.
Hey, Feng!
- Dammit, Keld. - Dammit, Feng.
- Good-bye. - Bye-bye.