(Ray Stevens: Cannonball)
总部, 我们仍在追捕这台黑色兰博基尼
总部：42号,你已经追了两个小时了
再过五分钟，就要进入亚利桑那州
明白，我们决定继续追踪直到逮捕它为止
总部：抓住大盗狄林杰都不用花费那么久
嗨, 大伙. JJ?
- JJ? - 维克多!
啊! 呃.......
- 你迟到了两个小时 - 我... 真的很抱歉
- 你究竟去哪了？ - 呃...
对不起.
燃油注入系统. 它快要把我整疯了.
很抱歉我来晚了, 我的一只仓鼠焦虑症发作
只有等它安静下来我才能离开
它行彻底疯了，甚至吃掉了自己一截尾巴
即使海丽塔没有打扰它
接着它开始撕咬跑步机 哇
会有兽医处理这件事 我们该担心些别的了
照顾仓鼠是我重要的责任
现在我要你在脑海里面想象一幅画面，维克多
你的仓鼠是一支小型军队
正沿着跑步机向前行军
他们越跑越快，直到把自己的双腿都跑没了
把那声音当成引擎沿途不断轰鸣
哦, JJ 这真是棒极了
嗯!
如果我们将炮弹飞车大赛获胜的荣誉与他们分享 这不是极好的吗？
那将发挥我们团队的真正力量 你,我,仓鼠和... 他
别和他一起开始比赛 我根本不想考虑他
- 如果你需要任何帮... - 该死的, 我不想考虑他!
好吧
詹姆士先生!
我的天， 又是你?
饶了我吧，Fenderbaum
你简直是在招引苍蝇 滚出去吧.
哦不，等一等, 格里克 我只想知道一件事
你是怎么算出这次比赛的赔率的？
这需要的是才华 和多年的勤奋工作
然而你永远无法理解其中任何一部分
帮个忙嘛. 比赛就是比赛，不是么?
在飞车大赛中你唯一要做的事 就是平稳地驾驶，
别给自己惹麻烦， 并好好地隐藏起来.
三千英里, 平均速度85英里每小时.
你知道这是什么吗?
你想要谈谈还是我们打个赌?
抗雷达涂料, 涡轮增压发动机. JJ, 现在没有任何人能阻止我们了，
没有任何人
弄啥嘞？这是某种坚果？ 你以为你是谁？
噔-噔-噔!
我是混乱队长.
还有他 - 这是我忠诚的伙伴, 加图.
向警官问好, 加图.
当警察很久了?
真搞笑.
- 你想要谈谈还是我们打个赌? - 我给你五十倍的赔率怎么样.
你知道你干了什么吗? 你把你自己所有都赌进去了.
我赌两万刀.
你会得到一百万. 哈哈！前提是你要赢得比赛.
我不知道你是否了解我的搭档. 杰米, 你还记得吧，这是格里克先生.
- 嗯 - 哈！杰米·布雷克
曾经的F1赛车手
然而那是高扣靴还流行时候的事了.
这么说吧，格里克. 我们有秘密武器.
上帝是我们的副驾驶.
你会需要他的.
- 上帝是我们的副驾驶? - 嗯哼.
还记得我们的车吗?
- 记得. - 两座.
两座.
他要坐哪里?
哪里?
听好了, 墨西哥佬
我们不是在参加印第安纳波利斯500比赛.
我们的赛车没有编号.
- 无论如何，我们要想办法伪装我们的车子. - 怎么做, JJ?
一架外交官用的豪华礼车怎么样?
- 不. - 好吧.
我知道了，一架采血车吧.
- 他们永远不会停下一架采血车，不是吗? - 不行.
冰激凌卡车，一架冰激凌卡车， 你懂的, 他们必须要赶在冰激凌融化前到达.
不.
太好了， 我们没有啤酒了，维克多.
真遗憾.
小心！这次飞车比赛都让你发疯了！
我要在这儿降落买些啤酒，没问题吧?
装甲运兵车怎么样? 他们不敢截停吧?
嘿，别挡路！ 我马上就起飞
谢谢.
也许我们可以搞辆黑色的庞蒂克. 不,那已经试过了.
嗨，妈妈. 你一定渡过了愉快的一天.
梦魇，一个活生生的梦魇. 你是在害我，西摩.
做这些愚蠢的间谍生意， 你在慢慢地置我于死地.
- 妈妈，你不理解. - 这有什么好理解的?
我在寻找我的儿子, 小西摩·戈德法布,
西摩·戈德法布之子, 他的灵魂被上帝眷顾,
他继承着戈德法布的财富.
但他现在在做什么?
四处漂泊, 演戏,
以为自己是某个叫罗杰·摩尔的明星.
我送你去最好的学校就是为了这样?
我花了8000块帮你做牙齿矫正就是为了这样?
我濒临破产，还找了比弗利山的分析师就是为了这样?
如今... 哈哈!
看这个 - (James Bond music)
家里的女佣今早发现的 就在你的枕头底下.
这是什么意思?
亲爱的妈妈,这意味着， 一枪致命.
我警告你， 不要再干涉我的事务.
西摩，把它拿走 有可能会走火的.
我真的很抱歉,妈妈 但是你知道的太多了.
你懂的,在我的生意里
即使最珍贵的亲人， 也不值一钱.
不值一钱？真是伤人.
- 不. - 祝你好运, 妈妈.
-哦！我的生活怎么了！
你知道么，妈妈， 你太犹太了.
我们可以一直开一辆雪佛兰皮卡
装载整整一车的响尾蛇飞弹
也许你该稍微放慢点速度！
- 我听不见你在说什么! - 我说，你正在制造海啸!
你打扰到其他人了!
开得太快和参加炮弹飞车有什么鸟关系？
JJ, 你开得太快了!
- 嗨,你们好吗?
啊———
你俩真幸运 你们把那整艘船都撕烂了.
- 你还好吗，维克多? - 哦，我没事，JJ.
只是我动手指的时候会有点疼.
也许我们的下场会好点
如果你没有把那么多精力都放在美女身上的话.
- 没人是完美的. - 大实话.
除了他，没人是完美的.
抱歉.
从这里到医院有多远?
- 大概十英里. - 哦，真的?
- 我们到那要花多久? - 大概四到五分钟.
You can smoke through traffic like shot through a gun in this thing.
啊!
(Theme music)
骆驼.
不是骆驼, 蠢货. 这叫温斯顿香烟.
Ah!
明天开始, 你和乔治 跟我同乘一辆车.
明白，先生.
我的哥哥，你的驾驶技术怎么样了?
阿拉至上, 亲爱的妹妹
只有来自天堂的闪迪才能和我的速度媲美
-所以你仍打算和没有宗教信仰的美国人一同完成比赛？
- 伊斯兰的强大力量将会助我碾压全场！
亲爱的妹妹，我向你保证这是真的！
干杯!干 !
- 我的爱车停好了吗？ - 是的，尊敬的康普顿先生
别忘了取消星期一的董事会议
我将要在西班牙的城堡里渡过一周的美妙时光.
好的，康普顿先生.
对了，帮我联系下我的一个老朋友 , 他叫沙基·芬奇.
他是整个国家最好的长途摩托车驾驶员
- 清楚了吗? - 是的，康普顿先生.
先生，董事会已经多次要求我向您表达他们的担忧.
- 请重新考虑一下. - 这是不可能的，亚瑟.
我坚信理事会这次会允许我放纵一回.
( Sings: I've Gotta Be Me)
- 嘿，你不觉得他很帅? - 你是在逗我?
自从那个傻瓜想要飞跃大峡谷以来 我还没见过比这更蠢的事.
他还跟在我们屁股后面.
我... 我可... 可不认为他是在开玩笑
别担心，小子.
到了汽车旅馆我分分钟甩掉他.
对了，我记起来，在那里...
在...右边那，后面有个地方， 我们藏在那里再适合不过了.
好，好，好.
往... 往那...
- 左. - 哦,该死的.
- 往左转. - 往左转.
- 我他妈什么也看不见了，你呢？ - 没问题的，小子，别担心
那是啥?
这... 这...
这真是太完美了.
这比... 这比藏在后面好多了.
我懂. 但是现在面临的唯一问题是,
我们得先跑掉再修好这辆车.
没问题吧?
先去买瓶啤酒吧.
好吧，先去买...买啤酒.
我想感谢西港的莫娜科森，
她的大麻三明治和木屑肉汤是如此的美味.
那么, 接下来就是你们一直期待的时刻.
This is a titty turn... Terrific turnout for the meeting.
- 是的，棒极了. - 他发起了一项活动，
目的是在高峰时段禁止人们使用电动牙刷,
- 同时为了听见...
我猜你是，呃... 来这里听我演讲的.
哦，不，其实. I'm into trees.
Ah.
Trees.
Friends of Nature love trees, so I come to the meetings.
那真是有趣.
我爱那些喜欢树的人.
噢，我正好很喜欢那些东西.
你知道我最喜欢树的哪一点吗?
哪一点?
你可以在某个月夜躺在树下，
享受着轻拂的微风,
把脑子里面的一切都忘掉.
- 有请亚瑟·J·福伊特先生
福伊特先生
Give that sucker some juice.
The only thing hiding it... hiding it... hiding it in the... pool
did was... m-make it p-purty.
它发动不了的话就是坨屎， 而且现在又是湿的.
我知道. 再试一次, 好吧?
好了！好了！好了！好了！
我知道哪里出问题了.
不要以为...
以为我们现在在华盛顿
don't appreciate your Mothers' March
为了早日禁止销售有颜色的厕纸
为了减少，呃...减少对..屁屁的
- 刺激!
今天, 我想一针见血，
这是位熟悉的老朋友了.
汽车.
好,再试一次 让我听听它的声音
哈! 这...
- 这让我想起了, 呃... 我写的一首诗.
汽车啊，汽车啊...
你没事吧?
他们这次玩大了!
我发誓，我要让他们付出代价,
我会越挫越勇的!
车子真给力，哥们.
我还是觉得我们该重新喷下漆.
If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead and Midasize it, all right?
嘿, 那有个汽车旅馆.
你看停车场. 参赛者们把这里塞满了.
天啊，我可不想参与这种堵车
坐稳了.
- 这将会有点颠簸. - 等等.
慢点!
- 嘿, 你是这家店的老板吗? - 嗯哼？
- 小姐们在哪? - 什么?
妓女, 伙计. 她们在哪?
对不起.借让一下.
- 你好, 疯狗. - 嗨, JJ.
你可能没注意到, 但是停车场在外边.
- 我知道. 刹车出问题了. - 你以为你是总统吗?
(模仿尼克松总统) 那么, 先让我把这件事搞清楚.
我们感觉糟透了. 如果他们开不起玩笑的话...
感谢上帝. 我们刚刚目击了一场惨烈的车祸.
- 我们真的很想帮你，但是今天轮休. - 这家伙看起来完蛋了. 也许已经死了.
你应该给法医打电话. JJ, 他看起来不太妙.
不.
- 他只是被撞晕了. - 你就不能做什么吗?
- 我说, 你可是专家. - 今天我们轮休.
你们不该做点什么吗！
这个家伙生命垂危!
维克多.
你肯定很精通这玩意. 它可以进入鼻孔, 影响鼻窦.
那是当然.
好了.
别担心账单.
给他灌几次肠， 明早再打我电话.
嗨. 你好吗?
- 棒极了. - 我们要两间单间.
JJ·麦克卢尔和维克多·普林茨.
我等下会在酒吧.
通常完成手术之后我爱喝两口.
我想知道为什么那家伙要 把他的皮卡停在酒店大堂.
这是美国特色. 给我准备12间套房
- 如果能包下整层楼更好. - 好的，先生.
哈!多翘的屁股！
I sure as H would like to get my hands on
those Hell's Angels who were driving that truck.
But it's probably just as well,
因为每当生气的时候 我可是会变成一头野牛.
- 我爱野牛. - 噢!
真有趣，你应该..... 哦，天啊，是他们.
- "他们" ?是谁？ - 那些该死的魔鬼.
- 他们有可能是恐怖分子. - 我不知道.
但是这个鬼地方... 到处都是流氓.
你有发现什么古怪的事吗?
- 没有 - 那让我去寻找一下.
为什么让你找个医生就那么难?
那真的非常、非常不容易.
It's not easy finding a doctor to take off like that.
- Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house. - 如果你要赢得比赛的话
开着救护车, 一定要有个医生在...
What does Dr. Gay do?
他是我的精神病医生. He was committed yesterday.
- Why? - He was smoking bananas.
当他告诉医生的时候,医生很... 生气
- 换做我我也一样. - 噢.
抱歉. 我不喜欢饮料里面有水果.
恭喜. 这杯敬你. 祝你好运.
- 我的荣幸. - 还有你, 神父.
你这二逼.
他们一点胜利的机会都不会有. 跟你说,
我想我该打给希腊佬， 再给我们自己下注一万刀.
- JJ. - 嗯.
那两位美女怎么样?
我想... 也许其中的一位 可以是我们的病人.
- 她们两位都可以是. - 哦!
唔... 我对这两位病人会非常耐心. 她们真是诱人... 非常秀色可餐.
我跟你说,我们俩都应该过去, 和她们好好聊聊.
- 没问题. - 全部交给我就行.
- 维克多,你只用考虑找医生的事情就好. - 好吧.
- 晚上好,女士们. - 晚上好.
我叫JJ·麦克卢尔. 这是维克多·普林茨, 我的助手.
- 嗨... - 所有事交给我就好, 维克多.
真是恐怖分子, 日了狗了.
他们把恐怖分子搞得看起来像 仁爱修女会的成员一样.
这些人是炮弹飞车手.
那是什么，一个球队吗?
我们是明天飞车比赛的夺冠热门,
我在想你们其中一位...或者两位,
是否愿意和我们一起乘坐冠军赛车.
哦，那绝对会非常刺激.
非常刺激.
但我们自己也是参赛车手. 真抱歉.
她们是车手?
对了, 至于冠军赛车的事, 鹿死谁手还不一定哦.
你们还没有见识过我们的装备.
装备?
装备.
嗨.
别告诉我你的名字， 让我猜猜.
梅丽莎.
不是.
朱丽叶.
- 不. - 贝蒂?
也不是.
那我就叫你美女好了, 没问题吧?
噢. 这不错.
谢谢.
坐吧.
- 你也是一位排球手么? - 是炮弹飞车手.
- 哦不是. - 你为什么要穿成这样?
出于人道主义.
我是一位富裕的慈善家.
我和我的搭档, 我们开救护车车四处转悠,
寻找交通事故, 尽力去帮助别人.
我并不觉得我们每个人 生来是为了去伤害别人,
我认为我们生来是为了向他人伸出援手.
- 真美好. - 谢谢.
你一定是个敏感的人.
- 我会尽力成为这样的人. - 我打赌你是罗德·麦昆的粉丝.
我每晚都听他的歌.
真有意思.
- 你读过乔依斯·基尔默的诗吗? - 是的.
- 她写的关于树的诗实在是太棒了. - 哦... 他.
谁?
- 他. - 他是个女的?
- 不，她是个男的. - 哦!
那么, 他写的关于树的诗实在是太棒了.
是的.
- 你知道我最喜欢树的哪一点吗? - 不知道,哪一点 ?
你可以在某个月夜躺在树下,
- 享受着...
- 真对不起. - 没事.
我们说到哪了?
我说到, 我最喜欢树的一点是,
你可以在某个月夜躺在树下,
- 享受着... - JJ？
嗨, JJ, 你一定不会相信 刚才在他身上发生了什么!
- 我不想和你说话. - He had the most wonderful time.
我不想和你说... 维克多, 这是美女. 美女, 这是维克多.
- 你好, 维克多. - 你真的很漂亮.
- JJ，关于医生的事呢，你想听吗? - 他会和我说医生的事情.
- 噢, 医生的事情. - 这真的很重要.
- 我们的救护车需要医生. - 等下再说!
- 我还是让你们两位单独说吧. - 但是, 听着, 我觉得你应该听...
- 等下再说! - 这真的很重要.
我要和她说话.
谁?
- 现在你想听医生的事了吗? - 不!
等下！
Hey, Brad, old buddy! Ha-ha! How the hell are you?
Shakey. My God, it is you. Hello, Shakey!
Shakey, it's kind of tough to get close to you.
- Last time I saw you, you were more svelte. - What can I tell you?
In the pizza business, when things are slow, you tend to eat the inventory.
Listen, that's not good for the Cannonball.
You know that. You don't need a motorcycle. You need the Super Chief.
(Chuckles) Even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.
I got a throttle that's been sticking. Why don't you fix that?
老大, 这将是安全执法单位 史上最有效的一击.
我们把整个炮弹飞车比赛 公诸于众，
这样我们就会得到国会的一大比预算，
那足够我们干点大事了.
I mean, this is our Three Mile Island and Love Canal combined.
Oooh!
Unnnnh!
- What's wrong? - Look at the chicks. (Sighs)
- What is it? - Look at those chicks. (Moans)
Boy, if we were Methodists,
what a shot we could have of getting laid right here.
Listen, I want to get up there. I don't want to miss a thing.
No. Yes. Yes.
All right. There you go.
Just as good as new. Give her a try.
- That's it? - That's it.
All right.
We'll see.
I don't think it's the throttle! I think it's the clutch!
- Goodbye. - (Engine approaches)
Look out!
Hey, watch out! Watch out!
Coming through!
(Crashing)
(Screaming)
(Crashing)
What in the hell was that?!
Oh! That must be the entry of the National Safety Council.
(♪ James Bond music)
Good day.
I am here to participate in your little jaunt to California.
Well, of course. If you would sign in here, please.
Hold still, Petey. Say cheese.
I realize the novelty of a major celebrity entering your little race,
but kindly resist the temptation and keep the media coverage to a minimum.
Thank you.
Will you hurry the hell up?
(♪ Ray Stevens: Just For The Hell Of It)
- Got it? - I got it. Hurry up, will ya?
(Inaudible)
Man does not live on... on bread alone.
What concerns me is, do we have enough ice for all this beer?
- P-p-p-p! Plenty. - Mm-hm.
Yeah, well, how about food, son? Did you bring enough food?
- Plenty. - Get serious. Give me the rest of that beer.
(Woman laughing)
Excuse me, good sisters, if you will.
Father, we do have a race to run, and we're running a little late.
So, come on. Will you excuse him, good sisters?
- Bye-bye. - Don't run off. Tonight's the night.
(Man) OK. I'd like to welcome you all
to an event that's sometimes been called
the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
(Laughter)
You all are certainly the most distinguished group
of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered together in one place.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
Of course, certain skeptics note
that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite highway patrolmen
are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively.
Think of the fact that there is not one state in the 50
that has the death penalty for speeding.
- Although I'm not so sure about Ohio. - (Laughter)
Everybody is gonna get a card like this.
When you leave, you're gonna punch out here at this time clock.
3,000 miles, roughly, away from here
is another time clock just like that at the Portofino Inn.
The difference between the two times is your time across the country.
The record stands at 32 hours and 51 minutes.
Believe it or not,
those guys did break the 55-mile-an-hour speed limit.
(Cheering, laughter)
Let's get that first car up here. We're gonna get this thing under way.
(Engine revs)
(Tires screech)
Go!
(JJ) Victor. (Victor) I know.
All right. Where is the doctor?
- I got everything else. - Where's the doctor?
- I got 60 gallons of gasoline. - Read my lips.
Where is the doctor?
- The auxiliary tanks are full... - I gave you one responsibility,
to get a doctor. Now, where is he?
He got sick.
Listen to what I'm telling you.
You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare,
get me Dr. Livingstone, get me Dr. Frankenstein.
Just get me a doctor. Go where the doctors hang out.
- Where's that? - Bars, golf courses.
Golf course, bar. Where else? Hospital!
Try there too.
My jet will take you to California.
It's time for you to punch out.
I'll see you in California. I love you!
A toast to us, you and me. We're gonna win the whole thing.
It's a cinch.
The more I look around and see these turkeys, I have...
While you're drinking, that truck to the left.
Isn't that JJ McClure?
He's nothing. Don't worry about him.
It's the blimp next to him. The blimp.
When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off.
- You understand that? The blimp! - (Cheering)
(Hui chats excitedly)
- Is that weird? - Wow!
It's a Nevada license plate.
And that's whiskey, zebra, alpha,
niner, fiver, zero.
- You got that? - What?
It's... Just write WZA 9...
Here. Will you let me do it?
WZA 950. See?
Whiskey, zebra, alpha,
- niner, fiver, zero. - Oh.
Oh.
(Tires screech)
OK, so it's Interstate 80 through Pennsylvania.
- Pick up... - Oh, that's a good-looking piece.
And cunningly disguised so it won't look like a racing car.
You know, the cops would never give that a second glance.
220 miles an hour, and they aren't gonna get a second glance.
Hey, when we get to California, I got a place out at Palos Verdes...
You boys gonna start this thing or just sit there and wait for that paint to dry?
(Laughter)
Yes, sir.
How long till we stop?
- Eight hours! - Damn! I... I gotta go to the john!
(Tires screech)
Go.
Mad Dog, you are gonna take the shortcut to the interstate, aren't you?
We're here to win, ain't we?
- If you gonna be a bear, be a grizzly! - (Both growl)
(Tires screech)
My God, Pamela. Did you see that?
They drove right through those trees.
I love trees. Did I tell you...
We are going right down there
and bring this thing to a screeching halt, right now.
Buckle up. We're going into action.
Would you mind?
Very civil.
Might be easier with your lights on.
Why advertise?
(Tires screech)
- Wait a minute, Father. - What?
That's a no-no. They haven't allowed that for nearly 2,000 years.
No, look. I'm a liberal wing, way out, on the other part of the church.
- It's nothing at all. - Keep flying, Father.
"Keep flying."
How about just one of you?
(Shakey) Who says cops won't stop honeymooners?
Anyhow, why do I have to be the bride?
Shut up, sweetie, and punch the clock.
- (Chuckles) OK, go slow until I get my wig on. - Yes, dear.
(Slurs) Old pal of mine, are we all set for California?
(Slurs) Damn you. Next time, Methodist. You understand? Methodist!
- All right, pal of mine. - OK, OK. You're all right.
OK, now, who's driving?
- You're driving. - You are.
- I can't drive. - Then I'm driving.
- Yeah, I think you are. - OK.
All right. Put me down.
You drive. You hold this. I'll get in the car.
- Come on. - I'm coming.
Somebody's hat.
Hold my drink.
Hit it!
(Tires screech)
(Cheering)
Thank you, good sisters.
May the good Lord take a liking to you, but not too soon.
Bless you, my children.
Those guys are more juiced up than that Ferrari.
(Fenderbaum whoops)
(Tires screech)
- JJ! JJ, wait! I got the doc! - Terrific.
No, wait. He's in the ambulance. This way.
Come on!
Before I open this, don't get your hopes up too high.
- I was pressed for time. - No problem.
(♪ Ominous church organ)
Holy shit.
(Coughs) I'm honored, sir!
I'm Doctor Nikol... (Coughs, wheezes)
Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology
and other related tendencies.
Graduate of the University of Rangoon and assorted night classes
at the Knoxville, Tennessee, College of Faith Healing.
You may be a little overqualified for this job.
You got your equipment with you?
I never go anywhere without it.
However, in my particular line of work, I seldom need more than this. (Chuckles)
(Coughs) Or this.
(Van Helsing grunts, mumbles)
We'll talk about this later, huh?
Now, sir, before we commence this odyssey,
which I understand will carry us across this grand nation,
from sea to shining sea,
there's the matter of my compensation.
I've determined that my services will require the payment of $2,000.
I was thinking more along the lines of $200.
For... (Coughs) Fortunately, my practice allows me a certain flexibility.
After checking my schedule, I find I'll be able to make the journey.
As far as the money's concerned, you got a deal.
We're off. (Laughs)
- Here we go. - Here we go.
3,000 carefree, madcap miles to California.
California, here we come, right back where we started from.
Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back.
- Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie. - It's not my fault she didn't fit in the stretcher.
- Doesn't fit in the ambulance. - I got the doc here, didn't I?
(Van Helsing splutters)
Don't you ever tell me where you got him.
- I don't want to know where you got him. - OK.
I was just surprised that all the animals there were...
- I don't want to know where you got him! - OK.
- (Van Helsing sings) - Hey, maybe I could be the patient.
That's a good idea. Everybody would believe you were sick.
- Wouldn't you believe he's sick? - Want me to examine him?
JJ. Him doesn't like it when you say bad things about me,
and you know that.
Thanks to you, though, we don't have a female patient.
And we've got to find a female...
(Victor) JJ.
Damn Cannonballers.
- Hi. I'm so happy you're here. - Hi.
- Can you help me with Mr, um... - Foyt.
- Sure. That's what I'm here for.
Mr. Foyt, go around and get in the emergency entrance.
Come on right here.
There we go. Hit it!
Wait, I'm not...
Ow!
This is really terrific,
the way you guys go around helping people.
Next year we're going for the Nobel Prize. That's where the big bucks are.
You forgot Mr...
Uh... Mr...
- (Both) Foyt. ...Foyt!
Mm. Well, we got you.
We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.
I think you have to go back and pick him up.
(Both chuckle)
We'd really like to, but we're on a tight schedule.
We're on our way to California.
You'd be amazed how many sick people there are out there.
They need our help. We could pick him up on the way back.
Victor, can you help me?
No, I can't. I can't do anything.
But... he can.
Who can?
Him.
Excuse me.
Doctor...
(♪ Ominous church organ)
(Gasps)
My God, the perfect specimen.
JJ, you want me to start the examination right away?
I'm gonna like this job. Right here, honey.
No, thank you. Not right now.
(Speaks foreign language)
Of course, man. This took 30 years.
(Both giggle)
(Hui) Never be able to see us, the son of a guns.
(Both laugh)
(Both chatter excitedly)
(Siren)
I'm really sorry about that little lapse, Officer.
Normally, I drive right around the speed limit.
We all make mistakes, miss, but 160? That's a little more than a lapse.
(Engines roaring)
What the hell is going on here? Everybody's driving like maniacs.
I don't know, Officer.
Let me see your driver's license, please.
(Radio chatter)
Ah, what the hell? I can't penalize nice girls like you for a little indiscretion
with the whole road packed with speed-crazy lunatics.
(Both chuckle)
Here. You girls have a nice trip.
- Drive carefully and take it easy. - Thank you.
- Come back and see us next year. - Bye.
Take care.
Keep it in the road.
I don't know why you're pouting. I mean, look,
we're taking a nice, leisurely trip to California.
And we're picking up the bills. This could be fun.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
This is not a joke anymore. I'm being kidnapped.
You can call it kidnapping, if you want to be rude.
Just think, we have a professional physician on board
in case somebody gets swamp fever.
You guys are strange.
(Siren blares)
- JJ? - Yeah?
- We got company. - Yeah, I hear.
OK, Beauty. You lie down and be a patient for the police.
- No. - Come on.
Don't! I'm not gonna help you. You didn't even help Mr...
- (JJ and Victor) Foyt. ...Foyt.
Maybe I can help.
Dear God.
It's all right, miss. It doesn't hurt.
Give it to myself all the time.
Yeah. He gives it to himself all the time.
Show her.
Come on, Doc. Show her.
Show her.
(Whimpers)
There. You see?
That didn't hurt.
(Whimpers)
- JJ? - No, thanks.
Victor?
Oh, no thanks.
No.
(Whimpers)
Hi, guys. What's up?
- What's up? - Huh.
You guys are running 120, your little lights are flashing all over. That's what's up.
- We've got a patient in there. - You were still speeding.
- She's, uh... She's very sick. - There's not a hospital within 50 miles.
- Where you headed? - UCLA.
UCLA?
- UCLA Medical Center. - LA.
California?
This is gonna sound like a dumb question, but if she's that sick, why didn't you fly her?
Why didn't we fly her?
I'm just the driver. We have to ask the doc.
No.
That's a good idea. Why don't we ask the doc?
(Babbles)
I'm sorry.
What's going on out here? What is this crude interruption?
The patient. Why can't she be flown to California?
Cysts. On the walls of her lungs. Very rare.
You see, airplanes are only pressurized at 10,000 feet.
Anybody who knows anything about medicine knows that she can't fly.
We couldn't even go through Denver it's so high.
Tell them to go back and pick up Mr...
(All) Foyt. (Pamela)... Foyt.
Is that lady all right?
She's in great pain.
Causes her to make certain delirious... drememium...
(Pamela) I'm deliri... (Giggles)
- Sounds like she's on something to me. - Let me explain something to you.
We have to get the senator's wife to California in 72 hours.
Do you understand what I'm saying? We ha...
We have to get the senator's wife to California in 72 hours.
We're very close.
Well, as long as you're in New Jersey, I want you fellas to take it easy.
- You got that? - We sure do.
- Thanks a lot. - Get this rig outta here.
I'm glad there's no cupcakes like that in New Jersey.
You haven't met my brother-in-law, Ralph.
(JJ and Victor giggle)
I thought that cop was gonna have a cardiac arrest
when we said we were going to California.
(Both laugh)
Wasn't Beauty terrific?
The lady was splendid.
She should have her picture on the cover of the AMA journal.
- (Groans) AMA journal. - (Thud)
I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.
Thanks.
But don't you ever tell me where you found him.
Ever.
- (Jet engines) - It's the damn Cannonball for sure.
They blasted away right in front of my eyes.
And they kidnapped a girl named Pamela Glover,
just like it was the goddamn Red Brigade or something.
But I... No, I've got them.
This time I've got them.
Ohio? Yes. Ohio has been notified.
Yeah. Ohio has been notified.
And Missouri. And California.
We'll get them, and I'm gonna be there to handle it.
You can count on it.
Yeah.
Listen, I've got two minutes to catch my flight. Yeah. Bye.
Hey. Hey!
- Madam. Madam! - Madam?
I'm no madam. I'm a decent, respectable woman.
I don't even own a house. I live in an apartment.
Now get off my case. I'm late for my plane.
Oh! (Groans)
(Continues groaning)
(♪ James Bond music)
- Well, then, after my career in the RAF... - The what?
- The Royal Air Force. - Oh.
- Do you mind if I have a cigarette? - Go ahead. They're your lungs.
Well, I had a chestful of citations, medals, that sort of thing,
and then I drifted in playing a rather popular...
Not that one, darling, please.
We don't want you leaving so shortly after the trip has begun, do we?
No, of course not.
Then I drifted into playing a rather popular character on a television series.
It's still in syndication, you know.
Puff away.
Thanks a lot, ladies. But I would take it a little easier.
Some of the officers up the road might not be as understanding.
Thank you so much, Officer. We really do appreciate that warning.
And if you're ever up in Duluth, remember to look me up.
I got the number. You can count on it.
(Pamela hums tune)
- How's the patient? - (Grunts)
(Grunts)
- (Ticking) - She's alive.
Looks like she survived the procedure.
What procedure?
(Chuckles) If you guys laid a finger on me...
(Mouths)
No, I just gave her a little prick.
With this.
(Brad) Super Chief, lean forward so I can get the front wheel on the ground.
- (Shakey) Stop kidding. I am. - (Laughs nervously)
(Car horn toots)
Pull over! We want to give you our blessings.
JJ. There are two priests in that car over there.
What?
They want us to pull over.
- Victor. - Yeah.
They're two priests driving a Ferrari.
When's the last time you saw two priests driving a Ferrari?
- They taking the bingo money home? - They're doing the work of the Lord.
In a Ferrari, they can do it faster, that's all.
- (Car horn toots) - (Fenderbaum) Pull over!
We want to bless you!
- Victor. - Yeah?
One of the priests is black.
- Oh, yeah. They have black priests. - They do?
Oh, sure. They have a black cardinal.
Oh! They do want us to pull over. They want to bless us. Can we?
(Laughs) Let me get this straight.
You want us to pull over and be blessed by a black priest in a red Ferrari?
Couldn't hurt.
Oy vey!
- Nice car, Father. - Thank you, asshole.
Hello, Father. Nice-looking car.
That's what everybody... He even said it.
I want to thank you for stopping, son,
'cause we always stop the ambulance so we can bless whosever's in there.
And you paramedics are doing such a wonderful job.
We're in kind of a hurry, so if you can just bless it and then we can...
- Oh. I gotta bless her. - I'm sorry, Father. She's a Zen Buddhist.
- You're not, so you can't bless her. - We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.
Yeah.
- (♪ Ominous church organ) - (Yawns)
- Oh... - Yes?
Second thought, Father, you want to bless him?
We need all the help we can get. Just give him a little shot.
- Thank you, Father. - You're quite welcome.
- You did a good job. - Thank you.
(Air hissing)
Thank you, Father.
Why don't you take that piece of shit back to the junkyard? (Cackles)
(Tires screech)
(Air hissing)
- Ooh! JJ, we got a... - Flat.
- Yeah. And those priests... - Weren't fathers.
- They were... - Mothers.
- Come here. - Oh, jeez.
(Groans) Ah, shit!
(♪ James Bond music)
So there you have it, a rather simple story, actually.
International film star, ruthless assassin,
Casanova, poet, philosopher. (Chuckles)
You might say a legend in my own time.
In fact, you can. Not that one, darling.
I'm afraid this car is full of surprises.
(French accent) This is something I've noticed.
How about some champagne, darling?
(Man on radio) Little silver four-wheeler that just flew past, with the good-lookin' seat cover.
Son, back that thing down. You got smokeys all over my back door.
If you are referring to me,
I request that you speak more clearly in the Queen's English.
That is, if we are going to converse on this wireless.
Ah. Bless your heart.
Cheers.
Down the hatch.
What do you think you're doing? You can't come in here.
You're a man.
- (Man on speaker) 7-Eleven. How can I help? - Pumps one and two, hit 'em.
(Man) What are you, some kind of nut? You got one unleaded and one premium.
She goes both ways.
The round orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.
I'm a doctor, and if I may be permitted the indelicacy,
you seen one, you've seen 'em all.
(Whimpers)
(Engine approaches)
(Shakey) A thousand miles on one wheel? We're trying to win a race, not set a record.
(Engine revs)
(JJ) Victor, what have you got?
A lot of goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.
(♪ Sings Dr Pepper jingle)
- (JJ) Will you get in here?! - OK. Here you go.
(Tires screech)
(JJ) Officer.
Do you take your law and order in this town seriously?
Are you kidding?
Excuse me for asking.
Greek! But...
Would you shut up a minute and listen to me?
(Both speak foreign language)
(Tires screech)
Oh, by the way, Greek.
What's the odds on the Japanese team not finishing?
There's gonna be a red Ferrari come flying through here
and the two men driving are responsible for the victim in this ambulance.
- Victim? - A flasher victim.
- You want to know the worst part? - What's that?
- They're dressed as priests. - Go on.
I guess they think it's a little kinkier, dressed as priests.
Goddamn, that's sick.
- I'll handle this. - One more thing.
I think they're armed.
Damn, I hope so.
It'll give me an excuse.
(Tires screech)
(Victor) Flashers! (Giggles)
(JJ) Bye-bye!
JJ, you son of a!
Out of the car, both of you.
Now!
All right, hit it.
- Hit it? - Hit it?
(♪ Banjo tune)
- Freeze, or name your beneficiary. - Beneficiary?
- Officer, I sincerely hope you're not a Catholic. - Pay no attention to him.
He's been locked up for six years in that monastery. He don't know what he's doing.
I don't think both of his paddles are in the water.
Six years is gonna seem like a summer vacation
when the state of Missouri gets through with you.
You, shorty. Where'd you get all that jewelry?
- Why'd he call me shorty? - 'Cause you're small.
- Small. S-M-all. - Oh.
(Man on radio) I suggest you take another route, good buddy.
The smokeys have got traffic all tied up on 40 looking for them Cannonballers.
(Second man) That's a big ten-four.
- Hey, JJ. - Yeah?
There's a lot of talk on the CB about the roadblock ahead.
What do you think?
I think we're in deep you-know-what. The transmission is slipping.
We lost a lot of time because of your two phony priests.
- Oh. I'm sorry. - (Babbles)
If the transmission does hold together,
you think we're gonna be able to bluff our way through the roadblock?
I don't know. Give me a minute to gather my thoughts.
I gathered my thoughts.
Hey, Lowboy! Look in your rearview mirror.
See this ambulance back here?
We need a piggyback ride.
(Foyt) This one can go by. There's no problem here.
Uh... Let's just have this one and that one.
Um... (Murmurs)
Yeah, that one's OK. Let it go.
Excuse me.
You look very familiar. Do I know you?
It's quite possible. Is this going to take long?
You see, we're on our honeymoon, and she can't wait.
Thank God. Normal people.
We were just looking for Cannonb...
It's not important. Move along, if you would.
- What is this, anyway? - It's a stakeout.
Oh. Bon appétit.
English humor.
Come on, guys, keep moving, will you, please?
Let's see...
(Tools clanging)
(JJ) Quiet, Victor. You're gonna blow our cover.
JJ, this is not a nine-to-five job. I wish him were here.
(JJ) Hi.
Hello.
- You look tired. - Ah, more frustrated than tired.
Think you're gonna win this crazy race?
Damn right I am.
I'm sitting here, having a conversation with somebody who kidnapped me.
Hm! Who can blame anybody for kidnapping you?
You gave me laughing gas.
Well, you have an awful beautiful laugh.
You made me forget my favorite skirt back at the motel...
Doesn't matter. You look terrific without it.
What'd you expect, anyway?
- A gangbang or something like that. - A gangbang?
We're racers, not rapists.
- Why? - Why what?
Why all this speed and trouble and risk and...
I mean, what for?
For the hell of it.
Didn't you ever do anything just for the hell of it?
I guess so.
My father used to work in the coal mines.
43 years.
He was gonna retire.
Buy a houseboat. Move down to Florida.
Fish on the back of the boat and tell my mom lies.
He died two days before he was gonna retire.
Oh.
I guess you just never know.
Yeah.
I made up my mind right then, I was gonna go for it.
I mean, everything I wanted, I was gonna go for it right then,
'cause you never know when something's gonna happen to you.
Like talking to you, you know?
I mean, it's really nice.
Uh... Excuse me. Where are you guys going?
We're just... We're just out-out-out looking for a pack of cigarettes.
With North Carolina plates, you're driving to Missouri for cigarettes?
How about a beer?
How about the fact that your paint job is coming off?
You want to take these guys away? The good guys strike back.
What is that? Five, eight, three... Five, eight, three, six...
Hold on. Hold on. Let it go. Come on.
Come on, guys, keep moving, will you, please?
Howdy, sir. What seems to be the problem?
You didn't think you'd get away with this? We're gonna get the whole lot of you now.
Not here, you won't. The word is out about your roadblock.
They're talking about it all up and down the "super slab".
Come on, get these traitors out of here, will you?
You think you're so big.
Do some of you people want to come over and push this thing out of the way?
Come on. I'll put it in neutral.
Who did that? Make it stop!
(Tires screech)
(JJ) Thanks a lot. Keep on truckin'!
(Chan and Hui laugh)
(Both speak foreign language)
George, you remember the good old days before they got radar?
- We used to chase speeders? - Yeah. This is really boring.
(Speaks foreign language)
(Rapid bleeping)
(Chan) Smokey. Sayonara. Bye-bye!
- (Whizzing) - What the hell was that?
I don't know, but whatever it was, it was doing 125.
(Both laugh)
(Both chat excitedly)
(Car horns blare)
(Car horn toots)
(Tires screech)
That's the first time we took an order by phone.
- It was hard to understand you. - When I called, I was doing 140 miles an hour.
That was six lamb burgers, four shish kebabs,
a side order of couscous, and...
two milk.
No! How much?
Six seventy-five.
Here, my desert blossom.
Keep the change.
Have you ever considered joining a harem?
I shall return for you after the race.
Get a physical. I shall return, my little fig.
I love you!
Victor...
I don't know how to ask you this.
Isn't it strange having that guy running around inside your head?
Oh! He's not in here.
He's out there somewhere, helping people.
- Oh! - He's always helping people.
- He'd help you. - He would?
He likes you.
Well, how did he find you? I mean, how did you two get together?
Well, when I was real young,
I didn't have any friends like I do now.
Like JJ...
Like JJ.
One day I was in the schoolyard, and nine guys were beating me up pretty good.
There he was.
Dun-dun-dah!
- Captain Chaos? - Yeah. Out of the blue.
Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!
I sure was grateful.
- That's great! - Yeah.
Nobody bothered me at school after that.
I wish I had a friend like that.
Well, first, you need a mask and a cape.
I think I'd like mine to be pink.
Almost everything I wear is pink.
Everything?
Even? Uh...
Oh, I don't wear any.
- You don't? - Uh-uh.
(Quietly) Wow.
Victor, I'd like to be your friend. 'Cause I like you.
Oh.
I like you too, Beauty.
Thank you.
(Both speak foreign language)
New Mexico. (Chuckles)
(Chan exclaims)
(Chan) Texas! Stupid!
(Police siren blares)
(Sighs)
I'll take care of this one.
Well, hello, hot pants.
I don't suppose you have a driver's license tucked down in there somewhere, do you?
Yes, Officer.
(Chuckles)
(♪ James Bond music)
That policeman seems to want us to stop, darling.
Yes. He must be rather upset with our rapid rate.
Funny. They don't have any sense of humor about that sort of thing.
- Aren't you going to pull over? - I'd rather not.
Can be such a bore, talking to those chaps.
Tell you what. We'll just... slip away.
- Hit that button, will you? - Like in your movies!
(Woman) And now a little oil, right, darling?
Well, well. We are full of tricks, aren't we?
It's all part of my business, really.
I've been meaning to ask you, what movie?
Wait a minute. Can you see where you're going?
- Perfectly. - This is ridiculous. (Coughs)
- (Car horns blare) - (Tires screech)
(Seymour) Good sport, isn't it? Would you mind rolling the window down, old girl?
We're getting done like a couple of kippers here.
- Next time, I bring my mask. - Like a foggy day in London town.
(Voiceover on video) You are about to witness the ravishment of a woman
who has been abducted.
A woman whose initial fear has mellowed into curious expectation.
In the morning, she will be set free, unaware of anything,
except that she has been loved as never before...
- (Truck horn blares) - (Tires screech)
- (Car horn blares) - (Tires screech)
(Woman on video) Oh, no! Please...
(Moans) Oh, yes, there! There!
(Scolds angrily)
(Both bicker)
I've never seen a damn Rolls-Royce that'd do 140 miles an hour.
What you fellas got in that thing?
- Stock. - Sign here.
I guess you must have misconstrued my remark
about my mother planning to purchase Southern California
as an attempt to influence your giving me a ticket, Officer.
I am sure that she will still consider keeping you all on as a member of the Highway Patrol,
regardless of how shabbily you treated her son!
You might want to tell that to the judge, sir.
(Speaks Arabic)
(Tires screech)
(Sheik) This is for you and the judge!
Goddamn camel jockey!
(Tires screech)
(Sirens blare)
(Siren approaches)
Oh, shit. We got a smokey on our tail.
Watch this.
- Officer. - Pull it over.
We got no brakes!
No brakes! Help us! Yes, thank you.
Damn "no brake" gag works every time.
Oh, no! We really don't have any brakes!
- Quit kidding, will you? - Hang on!
Evel Knievel... you've got yourself some competition!
(Laughs)
(Both bicker)
(Bickering continues)
(Hui) Route 66. Ha-ha!
(Speaks foreign language)
Secret weapon.
(Makes pulsing sound, chuckles)
(Hui exclaims)
- (Rumbling) - (Rapid bleeping)
(Chan chatters nervously)
(Hui) Ready, fire!
- (Hissing) - (Bleeping intensifies)
(Explosion)
(Hui chats calmly)
(Jackhammer rattles)
How long we been here?
20 minutes. We could have been there by now.
The road will be open in five minutes, Father.
- (Victor) Gah! - (Thud, spring boings)
Hey, Father Putz.
Albert Schweitzer.
I want to thank you for being so sweet and so nice,
and telling those people all about us, back in Missouri,
that we were both flashers and sex maniacs.
(JJ chuckles)
Well, I just wanted to return the favor
that you and the chocolate monk did for us back in Ohio.
"The chocolate monk"?
- (Victor laughs wheezily) - (JJ chuckles)
He can say that.
He can say that, he can say that
'cause he's riding around with the Goodyear blimp!
- The Goodyear blimp? - He can say that. He can say that.
- Yeah, I can say that. - Because if I had the time,
I would take those rosary beads and stuff 'em up your nose.
- These rosary beads? My rosary beads? - Yeah.
- You're gonna shove 'em up this nose? - Up that nose, yeah.
- He can do that. - He can do that?
- You take a little advice? - Sure.
Bring friends.
A lot of 'em. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles) He wants me to bring...
Blimp?
(Chan reproaches)
(Hui remonstrates)
(JJ) Ah, the bride and groom Cannonballer.
I told you this honeymoon scheme would work.
Good. Now you wear the wig, sweetheart.
- It's hot. - Oh, I don't know.
When I was in Egypt making The Fly Who Bugged Me
it was at least 180 in the shade, not that there was much shade.
If CBS woulda had their cameras there
we'd have made Sports Spectacular. We just zoomed right over that train.
You want to try it again?
(Engines roaring)
All right.
(All jeer)
Don't you look precious? All dressed up like that.
And wearing a wig too. Ha-ha! Ain't he cute?
Those guys scare me.
You just stay close to Moore. There won't be any trouble.
(All laugh)
He looks like Gregory Peck in that blue flannel suit.
(All laugh)
This is my friend Shakey. Allow me to present myself.
I'm on Wall Street. Maybe we can have lunch sometime.
We don't ride in Wall Street.
Nah, we don't ride in Wall Street.
Why don't we go and help 'em out?
What do you mean, "we"?
If we do, then that road opens up and you're long gone.
Now, why don't you, huh?
You're the Good Samaritan.
Besides, I'm wearing these.
Maybe you would like to complete your ensemble.
No. There's something else of yours that I want.
Oh, really? What's that?
Your ass!
(All cheer)
Dun-dun-dah!
Oh, shit.
Well, shall we join the fracas?
Step back, my dear.
I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore.
Who?
Roger Moore.
(Smashing)
(Groans)
We'll run in there.
Boom-boo-boom, pow! Pow! Pow!
Knock 'em flat out.
- Then we go. We could still win it, OK? - We can do that.
- We can do that. Yeah. - We can do that.
- You'll be sorry! Let me down! - (Screaming)
Dun-dun-dah!
Take that!
You're so macho.
Watch this!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Need some help, Father? - Nah.
Wah! Give me somebody!
Waaargh!
What, are you crazy, Greek?
How could you possibly change odds in the middle of things?
Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes in the New York subway.
That's the way it's done.
- Is that good to drink? - I don't know. I never tried it.
(Squirting)
Hold it, hold it. You wanna try this side?
Yeah.
Need some help?
- Get out of here. - Right.
Dun-dun-dah!
Fool!
- Thanks, Shakey. Excuse me. - Get this guy, Shakey!
- Excuse me, Father, the road's open. - Oh, thanks.
Fenderbaum, the road's open!
(Squeals)
Bye.
(All clamoring)
Let's go! Hit it!
(Speaking foreign language)
(Biker) Ah-so!
(JJ) Come on, come on. Faster, faster!
- I'm trying. - Faster!
- Drive it like Captain Chaos would. - I'll try.
- What d'you take off the mask for? - I didn't. He took off the mask.
- We need him. - I don't know where he is.
Very interesting fellow. I'd like to probe his case.
Don't want him around, he's around. When we want him, he's not around.
I'm gonna get a beer!
Dun-dun-dah!
(♪ Rossini: William Tell Overture)
(Victor) It's only ten blocks to the finish! I feel very confident that we will be triumphant!
(Car horn blares)
Ah-ha-ha!
(♪ Ray Stevens: Cannonball)
What the hell was that?
- A Lamborghini. - Is it in the race?
Catch it!
- Will you go faster? Come on! - I'm trying!
I've seen every single one of your movies at least three or four times.
Four times?
- I think we got it goin', baby. - Yeah, we're looking good.
The Greek's gonna pay us money!
Gosh! Wait till I tell my friends
I was sitting next to George Hamilton!
George Hamilton?
- We got 'em! - We got 'em!
We're not losin' it!
Aargh!
Look out!
(Tires screech)
- Waah! - OK, it's a foot race!
- I've got the card. - No, give me that, Doc.
(JJ) Come on! It's a foot race!
Have no fear, Chaos is here! Dun-dun-dah!
Take it and win, Captain!
(Pamela) Come on, Chaos, you can do it!
(All groan)
(Van Helsing) Anyone need medical attention?
Ah! Ah! Go! Go, Chaos!
(Whistling, cheering)
We're gonna win!
It's not a very sporting way to win. What do you say, Father?
No, it's a shitty way to win.
(Laughing)
We're gonna win!
(Woman screams) Help! Help! Somebody save my baby!
He's drowning!
No, Chaos! No!
No problem, fair lady. I will save your baby. Have no fe-e-e-ear!
- (Splashing) - (Chiming)
(All laugh)
Oh, my baby, my baby!
- Thank you. You're such a brave man. - (Dog whimpers)
You don't know what this means to me. Oh, my baby, I love you.
JJ, I saved that woman's dog.
Victor, we could have won that race. You understand? We could have won it!
You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.
(Pamela) He's right, Victor.
We are sick of Captain Chaos.
We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up.
So, you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be any more Captain Chaos.
- No more! - (Murmurs from crowd)
You see what I'm telling you? No more! No more Captain Chaos ever!
- Now, what do you think of that? - (Laughter)
I don't care... because...
I've always wanted to be... Captain USA!
Dun-dun-dah!
(Laughter)
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
(JJ howls with laughter)
(Cheering, applause)
- Who won the race? - (Man) What do you get for last?
(Laughter)
Well... Well...
How do you all feel, now that you have raped the American highways?
- Beautiful. Wonderful. - Great.
Old chap, I suggest you get a grip on yourself or better, on one of these.
I'll take anything.
And feel free to use the lighter in my car, Mr...
(All) Foyt.
(Stuttering man) F-F-F-Foyt.
- Wait till he touches that lighter. - (Victor laughs wheezily)
(Laughter)
- (Ship's bell chimes) - (Seagulls cry)
Ain't nothin' happening.
That's funny. Excuse me.
Mr. Foyt, how did you light that?
- Well, with the lighter, of course. - (Gasps)
That's odd.
- (Explosion) - (Seymour) Oy vey!
(♪ Slide whistle)
(Corks pop)
(Seymour) If I'm not filming next year, we'll do this again.
(♪ California Children's Chorus: You've Gotta Have a Dream)
(Victor) Oh, JJ, didn't we do good?
Wah! Wah-ha-ha-ha!
(Laughs)
- Stop it. - (Man) Ready?
(Laughs)
- Will you stop it? - OK. OK.
(Laughs)
What's wrong with you?
Wait a minute. I got something.
- No, this will help you. - No, don't hit me.
- No. I'm not gonna hit you. Listen to me. - (Laughs uncontrollably)
I swear to God. I'm not gonna hit you.
- Watch. Watch. - (Whimpers)
Ah! (Chuckles)
- OK. - OK. I'm ready now. Here we go.
(Laughs uncontrollably)
Look at that shit.
(Laughs)
I'm ready. I swear to God, I'm ready!
We're off. (Laughs)
Where's he gonna sit?
I warned you not to interfere in my affairs.
Steven, put away... Seymour. Excuse me.
That's all right. I'll answer to anything.
You see, even in the deepest family relations...
- (Man whispers) - My business is not worth a... (Bleep)
- (Smashing) - Thank you, Victor.
(Man) Mark.
As you probably know, we're...
We're the favorites to...
be the winning racers tomorrow in the Cannonball race,
which is gonna be poured...
(Laughter)
- Good evening, ladies. - Evening.
My name is JJ McClure. And this is my...
(Laughter)
- Next year we're going for the nu-nu-nu... - Yes? Ooh! (Laughs)
(Puffs)
- Perfect. Perfect. - (Laughs)
Hey!
- Better than... - (Man) Cut!
We have to get this woman,
the senator's wife,
to Philadelphia by...
Make that California, will you?
(Laughter)
We're very close. (Snorts)
(Laughter)
Don't hit me.
Because if I had enough time...
I would take those rosary bleeds and stuff 'em up your nose.
- These bleeds? - Those bleeds, yeah.
You're gonna take these... (Bleep) And shove 'em up...
I'll take these bleeds here...
(Man) Mark.
I don't care...
(Laughs uncontrollably)
- I don't care... - Stop laughing!
I don't care, because...
You're gonna get a slap.
I always wanted to be Captain America!
(Laughter)
It's a living.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - (Laughter)
He laughed... He laughed... He laughed first.
Mr. Martin laughed first.
Why were you laughing?
He laughed and you hit me!
Cut it.
(Giggling)