#Bah bah-bah #
# Bah bah-bah-bah #
# Bah bah-bah #
# Bah bah-bah-bah #
I want you so bad!
Oh, man!
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Pretty awesome, huh?
Oh, my God!
- Wait! What's the matter? - Oh, my God!
Is it my split ends? I can corn-row it!
Corn-row it! Corn-row it!
#Get up #
# 'Cause I been up for hours #
# I bet #
# Today I'm gonna know her#
# Then again #
# I am thinking with a boner #
# Morning wood #
# Good morning You look so good #
# Morning wood #
# Good morning You look so good #
# Morning wood #
# Good morning #
# Good morning, wood #
# It's hard #
# In dreams I have direction #
# I awake #
# With this erection #
# My life #
# Completes the day I meet her#
# P.S. I hope #
# She likes action figures #
- # Morning wood # - Page.
Listen, these bitches specifically asked us to get them alcohoI.
I mean, it's a no-brainer.
We bring booze to the party and we're getting laid by the hottest chicks in schooI.
They're D.T.F.- down to fuck!
Mmm! Andy, nice touch with that sour cream, man.
I didn't use sour cream.
Trust me, you will have your D. I.H.E.- dick in her ear-
T. I.H.A.- toe in her ass- and my B.O.Y.C.-
balls on your chin.
That just sounds horrible, Jonah.
What? Are you saying you would just rather have my balls on your chin?
- What are you doing, man? - Nothing. Hair in your eye. Look, it doesn't matter.
What's important here is that we find someone who can get us alcohoI...
so we can get some "P" in the motherfuckin' va-"G" before our 18th birthday.
Hey.
Chicka-chicka-yeah!
Look what I picked up last night! Huh?
- "McAnalovin"? - Yeah.
- One frickin' name? For realsies? - What the hell is that?
- It's a great I.D. - It's fuckin' awesome, man!
- Could you get me one? - Yeah, I can hook you up.
- Nice. - 'Cause I am McAnalovin.
Yeshiva class of 2010!
Chicka-chicka-yeah! Fake I.D.! Fake I.D.!
Keep it down, bitches!
Look, normally I wouldn't give a shit...
but my cousin said that there's some serious side effects with this herb.
I mean serious.
What's wrong with you? You're such a pussy.
It'll be the best shit you've ever smoked.
They're just telling you it's got side effects so they can keep it all for themselves.
All right, then you smoke some.
Not interested. I'm on a diet.
I'll tell you what.
You smoke this shit for one week straight, and I'll pay your rent for six months.
- Serious? - Uh, yeah.
- You're on, bee-yatch! - You know how I know you're gay?
- How? - Uh, you just called me "bee-yatch. "
- You know how I know you're gay? - How?
- You have a dildo stuck in your ass. - What?
Yeah. Check it out.
Oh, there you are, Fernando.
Hey, this smells like curry.
Check one. Check two.
Ohh! Oh, my God, this microphone smells like Jimmy's balls!
- Hey, ManueI. - No, that's mean.
Excuse me. I so badly want to do stand-up comedy.
I'd do anything for somebody to teach me how.
You know, I'm actually probably not the person to ask...
'cause I'm not very seasoned.
But there are several comics here that you could ask.
Oh, no, you don't.
There are a number of people here who could actually help you.
Excuse me for a minute, young lady.
Then she got pregnant. Um-
- Biscuit, what the hell's the matter with you? - What?
She wants your ass, and you're standing there with your dick in your hand!
Give me a break. She doesn't want me. That's just stupid.
Come on, Biscuit. Trust me!
Take it from a man who's been around.
I may have the Benjamin Button disease...
but I've had experience with women since childbirth.
Three days ago- bam!
Okay, thank you very much for sharing, but believe me, she doesn't want me.
Okay?
You are a lost cause, my brother.
Well, Blaqguy, I'm not like you. Okay?
I'm not some wizard at reading women. I don't know how to do this.
At least you're normal.
I'm a 25-year-old in an 85-year-old body.
Do you know what that shit's like? Huh?
This time last year I was in love...
with the best fart my gay uncle laid.
Oh, dude, last night I was fuckin' this chick.
We were in the middle of fucking, and I-
And we're getting all sweaty...
and then I realize it's not sweat- it's pee.
This bitch peed all over me!
I know that laugh. That's a virgin's laugh.
What? What are you talking about?
It all makes sense now!
- Andy's a virgin! - You're a fucking virgin?
No, I'm not!
My man is not a virgin! It's impossible!
Oh, yeah? Well, then why is he wearing this shirt?
That's a joke! It's just a joke, a stupid shirt.
That's all!
I'm not a-
They're just shirts! I'm not a virgin!
Then what is this shit, my friend?
Oh, let's beat his fuckin' virgin ass!
We should have sex with your ass!
Guys, come on, calm down. Give him a break, all right? It's Andy.
You gotta get a set of nuts, bro.
You gotta get out there and experience life.
Be aggressive. Do what you want with them.
If they say, "No, stop, not in there, you're hurting me"...
you do it anyway.
No means yes.
How does anyone stay a fucking virgin all these years?
I mean, there are shaved middle-schoolers having sex on the Internet right now.
What the fuck?
Uh, not- not that I know that from... experience.
I mean, that's what I heard...
from people that... I met...
on the Internet.
Uh-
I'm the Green Hornet.
Yeah.
I just don't get it, Biscuit.
How in the hell could you go 40 years and not have sex?
I don't know. I just kinda stopped trying.
That's okay, man. That's what Simonizing your disco stick is for.
- What? - You know. Buttering your peppercorn.
Skinnin' your smoke wagon.
Fillin' the sock with something other than your foot.
Oh. Okay. You mean masturbation.
I don't know what all that shit means, man. I'm talkin' 'bout whackin' off.
- Yeah, well, I've never done that. - You what?
You've never busted a nut?
So you got 40 years of creamer all built up in there?
- Yeah. - Damn!
I know. And the worst part is, I just feeI so left out.
I feeI like everybody's having sex but me.
Ah, no pressure, Biscuit. Not everybody's sexin' it up.
Oh, yeah? What do you call that?
I say sex is not sex without penetration.
Oh, my God. What is that?
My hip!
Damn! That's some nasty shit, Ma!
Sweet mother of Mary.
Me likey.
Me likey a lot!
Walk slower.
Damn! God! She was so pretty.
Oh. See, that's just my luck, Blaqguy.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Look, look, look, man!
She's okay!
That's all you, dog!
No! Damn it! Those gangs!
Maybe not.
Wait, wait, wait!
She's so resilient. She's so full of... verve and vigor.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no!
- Man! - Those guys are such assholes!
Damn, Biscuit, you do have some bad sex karma.
We gon' have to change your whole vibe, startin' with that fur carpet.
All right, just ask yourself, what's your "why factor"?
- My "why factor"? - Yeah, you valet attendant-looking motherfucker!
Why are you buying alcohoI illegally?
Because you get some pussy in exchange for it.
- Is this really what this is all about? - Of course!
- That is, unless- - What are you doing, man?
Nothing. Just a little mustard on your face.
Look, guys, we get alcohoI, we'll be sac-deep by midnight.
So, McAnalovin, get your fuckin' ass in there and get us our "why factor. "
- Give me that fuckin' vest, you faggot! - The vest?
Yeah, take it off, dickhead. Looks like you're parking cars at Morton's.
Makes me look older, you fucking gay Garth Brooks!
I'm gonna fucking kill you! Give me that fucking vest and get the fuck in there!
Fuckin' hate him.
- It'll be fine. - Better fucking work.
- It'll work. It's fine. - Fucking asshole.
So many things-
Oh, my God.
Mmm. Okay.
Can you hear me now?
Good!
Okay, don't draw attention to yourself.
Oh!
Okay-
Oh, shit!
Under age! Go! Go home to your mother! Go!
Next, next. I.D. I.D.!
Come on!
Ah! Out of state.
No good here. Next!
Come on, come on, come on!
I.D.
That's very flattering, young man...
but I was born in the year 1930.
Yes, I can see that you are old by your leathery hands...
- and your breasts that sag to your "WUPA." - What's a "WUPA"?
Wrinkled Upper-Pussy Area.
No I.D., no alcohoI.
Next!
These crazy motherfuckers.
I'm going on break.
I.D.
Let's go. This isn't vacation.
McAnalovin.
What kind of bitch-ass name is this?
- H-How'd you read it? - Show me your nipples!
- What? - Nipples.
Bitch tits. Little pinks. Lemme see 'em.
- My nipples? - Yes. Please. Do I s-s-stutter?
Huh? Eh?
- All right. Supple and taut. - Ow!
I'd say 15, maybe 16 at the most.
What? No way! That's crazy!
Don't fuck with me.
Damn, Biscuit! What are you wearing, a fur coat, dog?
Oh, no. My-
My father's from the Balkans. They're hairy.
Don't waste your high on that weak shit, bro. Your cousin's shit is the bomb.
Really? You don't feel any side effects?
Not a one, my friend. I told you that was pure bullshit.
You realize you have tits, right?
Yee! New experience.
- Hyah! - Chinese bitch!
Indian girl. Jew. Black.
Okay, but you're one hairy motherfucker!
Even your hair is growing hair.
Yeah, I need to use the extra-sticky flak jacket. Okay?
You ready?
This seems like a lot of glue. Is this gonna hurt?
She's a professionaI. It's not gonna hurt, right?
Yes, of course it's going to hurt, you stupid idiot.
- Oh, God. - You be a man, okay? Don't be a pussy.
Okay? You ready? A- one, a-two!
- Get set! - No, no, please!
It doesn't... hurt that much.
Dude, if those are your nipples, I'm gonna pass out.
Of course they his nipple! What you think?
Look. They all on the wall. I got a collection over there. You see?
Shit.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
- How does it make me a pussy if I'm not gay? - Domo arigato, bitches!
I really appreciate you guys giving me a lift and everything...
but I think I can walk from here.
Man, it's the least we could do, considering what Helen Keller did to your ass back there.
Yeah, that was totally uncalled for, I know.
"McAnalovin"?
What the fuck type of name is that?
Irish... gay... porn?
How y'all expect to get anywhere looking like that? We need to take you shopping.
Get you some thangs, some clothes, some style.
- AlcohoI, maybe? - Absolutely. And how do you get that?
- My I.D.? - No, motherfucker. Money!
- All right? Now, how you get money? - Uh, work?
- That's crazy talk, son. - That shit is crazy, dog.
That's what's wrong with the young people, Yo Ass.
- They all wanna do homework and be responsible. - Hey!
- Oh, my- - They all wanna grow up-
Whatever happened to droppin'out of high school...
get a bitch pregnant, start a music career?
Preach, nigga, preach!
Hey.
Well, McAnalovin...
this is America and we 'bout to bring things back to the good old days.
Beat and Yo Ass about to get you some money the old-fashioned way, homeboy.
- What? - We gon' steaI it.
Hold on, white boy.
Ah, yeah!
Is that a life meter?
Yep, and it's green. When it turns red, your ass is dead.
Put this shit on.
We fixin' to go G.T.A. up in this bitch.
- Whoo! - Oh, shit!
- Oh. - Let's go shoppin'.
Fascists!
Hey, what-
What? Huh?
Asshole!
Hey, my man! Oranges!
Naranjas. Dos dólares.
- What'd you just do? - Oh, no, he didn't!
What? I got the cash money, dude!
- Did you just rob a Mexican? Are you kidding me? - What?
Do you know what happens when you rob a Mexican in this game?
Dog, when you rob a white guy, you get the money.
When you rob a black guy, he'll chase after your ass the whole dang game.
But if you rob a Mexican, dog, you get the entire Latin community after your dumb ass!
Every ese, muchacho, nino, Menudo, Santana and Rob Thomas...
the motherfuckers from the catering truck, they gon' all try to kill us!
Bring your ass over here!
Go, go, go, go, go!
We gon' find your ass a woman today.
Ow! CarefuI. I'm sore.
How do they look?
You look like HannibaI Nipples.
- Right this way. - Got 'im.
- You should like swimming and apple picking and-
I like a really large man, but he's gotta shoot blanks. You know what I'm sayin'?
- Bla- - Mommy, I'm thirsty!
Hey! Mommy's trying to get some penis right now. Suck it up.
I love my kids.
We'll keep it simple.
He'll toss your salad while I give you the reach-around.
Okay?
No, I'm-
So, yeah, I like sitting in saunas...
being in bathhouses, playing racquetball.
I like, uh...
camping, pitching tents-
- She's not the one. - What?
She's a knockout. What are you talking about?
Tall, big head, masculine jaw.
- Something's not right. - What's not right?
- Motherfucker, look at her hands. - What's wrong with her hands?
I'm pretty picky. You know?
- That ruins everything. - Mmm.
You ain't tasted Mexican until you taste this shit, white boy.
Shit's the bomb, dog.
- Ahh. There we go. - Yeah!
- Why is there an "F" in the window? - "F"?
- Man, that's a "B." - Stupid motherfucker.
You think I would take you somewhere if it was an "F"?
We got three ass-piss burritos, one crap splatter enchilada-
- That's mine. That's mine. - We got it all!
¡Gracias, hombre!
Oh, shit.
- I told you this was gonna happen! Look! - Oh, shit!
- Here come the gangbangers! - There they are! Hey!
Has anybody been to the zoo lately?
I went to the zoo and, uh, I w-w-
walked up to the penguin cage...
and, um, I was, like, I wonder if the other animals are looking at them going...
"God, I'm glad I'm me. "
Because they, uh, you know-
It's like, I wonder what I did in my past life to be reborn a legless, flightless bird...
in the middle of the North Pole-
South Pole. Sorry. Um-
Close!
- Uh- - Nobody cares, buddy.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I will attempt to make comedy applesauce.
I'm sorry if I hit you.
Thank you very much. You've been a great audience.
You suck!
Hey, give it up for Andy, huh?
He was great!
- Hey there. - Hi.
Oh! Hi! You're from the other night, crossing the street!
- Yeah, that would be me. - How are you? How's your neck?
- It's fine. - Yeah? Bludgeoned head?
- Better. - Stab wounds?
- Healing. - And that mangled leg?
Actually, it's better than before. I can do this now.
Oh! Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.
I know it's not a good color match. They only had white or black.
I chose white. Does that make me racist?
- No, absolutely- - Thanks!
- You were really funny up there. - Oh, please.
- You were hilarious. I was laughing on the inside. - Thank you very much.
Okay, well, I just- Good job!
- Do you wanna go out sometime? - I'd love to. Tonight?
Tonight? Yeah.
- Sure. Absolutely. - Great. Maybe we'll have some sex after.
Excuse me?
What?
I mean- What- What- You said- What did you-
- I didn't say anything. - Okay.
So send me your e-maiI address. I can tell you where I live and you can pick me up.
Maybe you should text me, then I'll call you and you can text me your address.
Is there an app for that? If not, why don't I just Twitter you my Facebook page...
and then you can wall-to-wall me your number, I'll call and leave my address on your voice maiI.
It might be better if I I. M. you my MySpace page, then you can leave me your address there...
I'll blog my cell phone on it, you can call me when I give you my T-Mobile rollover minutes...
put you on my fave five- that way you can give it to me live over the phone.
- You'd put me in your fave five? - Oh, yeah. Sure.
Oh, excuse me one second.
- Oh, yeah. - Okay.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Yes. Yes, I am. Of course. That's great news. Yeah, I will.
Thank you! Okay, bye.
I applied for this job in Hawaii six months ago, and I just found out I got it!
- Oh, my God! That's great! - I'm so excited!
- But I have to leave tonight. - Tonight?
- Yeah. - Oh. Okay.
- I'm sorry about dinner and sex. - Listen, work is work.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Oh! Okay. - Congratulations. That's great.
- Okay, bye! Give me a hug. - Okay.
Um, oh, my God. You forgot your, um, leg.
How do you not have an address?
This is your freakin' contact.
Stop riding me. That dipshit fucked me up with the whole getting arrested thing.
We'll find it. No worries.
Wait!
What the hell is that?
Sounds like "La Cucaracha. "
- Holy fucking shit! - Let's get the fuck outta here!
Oh, shit! Rob Thomas?
- Get in the car. - What?
Get in the car!
Okay.
This shit happens all the time, man!
Girls just be doin'that shit, and it's fucked up!
Oh, yeah, dude. That shit doesn't even matter. All right?
'Cause tonight you're gonna fuckin' lay down the hammer, fucker.
I don't know what that means and it's not helpfuI.
I just wanna meet somebody for once who's down to earth and a normaI person.
What they have is speciaI.
Can I call you Noah?
What is wrong with you?
You're turning into a reaI, certified bitch!
Now you cryin' over The Notebook?
Got these things right here.
- Ow. - These... tits.
Damn, those feeI kinda- those feeI kinda good.
Okay, you know what? You guys are disgusting.
I'm going to get a Shirley Temple.
- Hi! - You're cute.
- What's your name? - I'm Andy. Hi.
Well, Andy, every Thursday night my sister and I pick someone from the bar to have sex with.
And tonight we choose you!
Congratulations!
- You like a ménage à trois, Andy? - Five or six times a night?
How about double Dutch expressways? You enjoy those?
- Jelly doughnut? - Ukrainian popcorn?
Mouth fucking?
Would you excuse me a second, or a moment, if you don't mind?
Think about it!
Um, excuse me.
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
Why can't I be the center of attention?
He once had sex with a 345-pound woman...
just to help her get some exercise.
His craps smell like a 40-day aged bone-in rib eye.
He's so secure with his masculinity...
that he doesn't mind urinal peekers.
He is the most interesting man in the world.
I don't always fuck fat bitches...
but when I do I prefer to be plastered on-
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Can I help you? Hey.
- Can I help you? - Huh?
- To drink. What do you want to drink? - Sorry.
May I have a Shirley Temple, please?
That's my favorite drink.
Mine too.
This is fate.
I think so. I'm Sarah.
Oh! Sorry. I'm Andy.
Sorry.
- That was- - Cute?
Yeah. Loud.
So, MTZ, the paparazzi show?
Yeah, I've been working there for two years and just got my promotion today.
- That's so cooI. Congratulations. - Oh, thank you!
- I'm so excited! - That's really neat.
Hey-hey-hey! Compliments of the boys!
You know, actually, I don't drink.
I sipped some wine once, but that was it.
- Oh, that's fine. - No.
Come on, girI. One shot ain't gonna hurt you.
I will if you do.
- Okay! - Okay. Cheers.
Oh! That was horrible.
Oh! My bad, girI. That was my genetic sample. Here, try this one.
I'm not sure if I liked that one. Can I try another one?
Um, you kn- you know what?
That's a lot of booze... to have... quickly.
Whoo!
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Yeah!
# Drunk girl Gettin'up her fun now #
# It's cool All of her friends around #
# Drunk girl, drunk girl #
# Drunk girl Oh, my God, embarrassing #
# No way This is not happening #
# Drunk girl, drunk girl #
# Drunk girl #
# The time is now #
# You say don't stop #
# That you're super loud #
# Drunk girl Can't believe the things I did ##
Um, do you think that you should be driving?
Oh, I can't help it.
- My vagina has a mind of its own. - Oh.
Oh, my God. Okay, yep. That's weird.
I like you, Andy.
- I like you too. - I like you a lot.
Okay, we should maybe- Let's-
Okay, no, that's, um- We have to get you some-
Oh, that could have done the trick.
- I'm gonna go down on you now. Okay? - What? I don't think that's-
Oh, God, no! Please!
Oh, my God, that's so warm.
Oh, my God, I am, like, so sorry-
No! No! No, please!
Andy! Andy!
Aah! Aah! I'm right here!
- I'm here! - Oh, God. Thank goodness.
I thought that I lost you.
Can you stop throwing up, please? I'm not a very strong swimmer.
I think that I'm done.
Oh, I just peed. It's so warm.
Oh, my God. Do you want to come in?
- Oh, I'd like that. - Okay.
Everyone, meet MichaeI.
We're glad you're here, MichaeI.
We need an umpire.
What am I gonna be an umpire for?
- Edward, you didn't tell him? - I was getting to that.
Let's just say it's something we can only play during thunderstorms.
Okay.
What is it?
We're all lactose intolerant.
Sorry.
- Hey there. - Holy shit! You scared me.
My apologies. Are you okay?
I'm sorry. I was being chased by a bunch of Mexicans for no reason.
AII I'm trying to do is get some alcohoI so I can have sex with the hottest chick in schooI.
I think I can help you out.
- Really? - Yeah. You see that house over there?
They're practically giving away free booze!
- Just ask for Lisa. - Seriously?
If I'm Iyin', I'm dyin'.
Here, take this bag.
Never want to go to a party empty-handed.
Cookies? And condoms?
You can never have enough of either, right?
- Agreed. - Now go get your alcohoI.
Thanks, man. You're an awesome dude.
Yes, I am.
Hello?
Is anyone home?
Come on in. I made you a drink.
Just help yourself.
CooI! Thanks!
- Sweet! - Hey there.
Oh. Hey, bro.
Dude, aren't you that guy from the show that catches the molesters?
- That would be me. - That show's so fuckin'awesome!
You're great on that!
Remember that one with the priest and he was trying to weaseI his way out of it...
but you ended up nailing him with the e-mails from the underage girls.
Once he hightailed it and hit the front yard, he got hit by Shawne Merriman-looking cops.
- I do. - That was so fuckin' awesome!
What are you doing here? Is this your house?
Uh, no. I'm actually taping the show.
Really? Here? That's awesome. Can I watch?
- It looks like you already are. - What?
What's in the bag?
What? Just the stuff you gave me. Just... cookies and condoms.
- I didn't give you anything. - Huh?
What did you think was gonna happen by coming over here tonight?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not a molester.
The only reason I'm here is because you told me there'd be alcohoI here.
- You said to ask for Lisa! - Really?
So you had no intention of having sex with an underage minor.
Wha- No! I-I-I don't know what you're talking about!
So you don't remember saying this?
What? Cor- No! I'm allergic to chocolate chips, for Christ's sakes!
And I don't even like reaI maple syrup.
I don't know what's going on.
- You could make things easier if you'd just tell us the truth. - I am telling the truth.
I don't know who this girI is.
I'm just trying to get alcohoI so I can have sex with the hottest girI in schooI.
- Really? - That's all!
Oh, fuck.
Hold on. Wait. I wanna talk to you. Sir?
What am I gonna do?
I'm not a molester, you fucking dickhead!
Here we go.
- Mm-hmm. ## - Get a little of this debris...
off your face.
Why are you being so nice to me? Hmm?
I don't know. I guess 'cause you're letting me.
Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- You gotta drink some of that. - Oh, I want you.
Not working. Ahh!
Ahh. Ohh.
Aaah!
Yeah, that's it. Let that sit on your tongue for a second.
That's just an antibacteriaI. Okay.
I'm gonna slip into something more comfortable.
- Okay? I'll meet you in the bedroom. - Okay.
Okay.
Ohh! No!
No! Oh, my God.
You wanna lay down some pipe, bitch?
Um, can you just- Could you give me a minute? I'll be-
Pussy!
Oh, yeah! Oww! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Okay. Oh, Jesus-
- Okay. Hey. - Hey. Hey.
- Sorry. - I was just screwing this warm pie right here.
- I heard it feels like the reaI thing. - That's cooI.
- You know, 16's a reaI horny age, man. - Yes-
- So, uh, what- what you doin'? - Whoa.
Nothing. I- I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Sarah's in the other room. She's tied to the bed. She wants to have sex with me.
- Oh, shit! - I don't know what to do.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
My man! This is the big moment!
- It's about to go down! - You inconsiderate pricks.
Will you please keep it down?
I have such a massive headache.
Sorry, brother. It's just, you know, so exciting.
Our boy's about to get laid!
- Yeah. - Brother, you bleedin'?
What-
Oh! There are side effects to this weed!
Damn! Anyone have an extra tampon?
- Preferably super-wide? - No.
You need to get your ass back in there before she passes out.
- I know. But what if I do it wrong? - Do it wrong?
All you doin' is stickin' your dick in her coochie!
There's no wrong way of doing that!
Well, there was this one time I stuck my thing in Naomi Turner's cat.
It was dark in there, we was huddled up in a twin bed...
and the cat just snuck up in between the sheets.
It just felt like- Hey! You know? Uhh!
- We all's the Lord's creatures, right? - Yes.
Man, just get your white ass in there and get to fuckin'!
- Get to fuckin'! - Let's do some fucking.
- Just do some fuckin'! - It can't be that hard. Everybody does it.
- Okay, I'm gonna do some fucking! - Fuck-Fuckin'!
I can't. I can't, I can't.
I can't do it. I can't do some fuckin'.
I'm- I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm 40, and I'm- I'm- I'm never gonna be with a woman.
I'm just not.
Not with that sniveling attitude, you won't!
- Seth, what are you doing? - Shut up!
I'm going out.
Out to get a milk shake.
A milk shake?
Yes, boy!
You see, I...
have a milk shake...
and you have a milk shake.
But I have a straw.
You see? Huh? There it is. Watching!
My straw reaches...
across the room...
and into your milk shake.
I don't understand what you're doing.
- Okay, if you're doing a metaphor, I don't really-
My milk shake...
brings all the boys...
to the yard.
Damn right it's better than yours!
Damn right.
I drink your milk shake!
I drink it up!
I don't even know what that means. That's so weird.
No one wants a virgin boy, Andy.
Hey! Don't- What are you- What are you- Don't do that! Calm down!
I will not calm down!
- I will not calm down! - Stop it! Seth, stop it!
Stop it!
Just stop it.
Dude, I'm so sorry, man. I'm so fuckin' high right now.
Uh, look, look.
You got an ocean of cum under there, all right?
The only person that's gonna be able to get to it is you...
and you gotta use your cock to do that.
- Okay, I get it. Please don't, you know- - Okay?
- You can do it. - I know. I feeI like I can do it-
- No, you can do it! - I feel like I can do it. I just need to do it.
- Then go do it already! - My mind is changing, and I can do this, can't I?
- Yes, you can do this! - I know I can! You know what?
I am sick-
I'm naked!
Wow, he is beautifuI.
- Oh, Andy, you're so good! - Bang that shit up!
- What the fuck are you doing? - Oh, Andy, you're so good!
- Get off of her! - Andy! Oh!
- Get off of her. - Don't stop! Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- Get off! - More! More!
Where'd you go?
- Son of a bitch! - Get off!
What are you doing, baby?
Yeah.
Oh, I like that sound.
Oh! I can't breathe!
Ah! You son of a-
Oh, shit.
Oh, that burrito definitely was the meat.
I'm crowning. Oh, my God. Guys, we gotta pull over here. I don't feeI too good.
Guys?
You fucking assholes!
Pull this shit over before I shit all over your fucking Corinthian leather!
Oh, shit! Look out!
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Uh- This won't take long.
Ah! My God!
What the fuck!
What the f- Is someone in there?
Hello! Oh, God!
I'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
Oh, my God. What?
Can you hear me now? Good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck.
What the fuck? Where's the fucking toilet?
Oh, my God. That's disgusting.
Oh, God! I gotta go! Oh, fuck.
Oh, God. Yeah. Fuck.
Huh?
- Yo, where are you, white boy? - I'm almost done.
Listen, it's because of you these Mexicans are trying to kill us!
- Huh? - Come on!
What? What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. I don't want to do it! I can't do it!
Fuck it! Oh, God.
- Okay! I'm here. Let's go. - Well, it's about goddamn time, white boy.
What the fuck is that smell?
I don't fuckin' know, dude.
- Let's go, dude! - Come on, let's go, Beat.
Sarah. Hi!
Hi.
That's it? You don't- You don't notice anything?
Oh, um-
Did you- You got new flip-flops?
- Uh, not the flip-flops. - Ankles swollen?
- Higher. - Oh, you carry a little weight in your knees.
Higher.
Oh, my God. Aha! Of course. You have an outie.
I never even realized you had an outie.
Not even when you were bangin' me last night?
Nope? Okay. So, no, I wasn't- I didn't bang you last night.
Of course you didn't bang me.
You just had your dick pounding my liver like Floyd Mayweather's punching bag...
and now I'm pregnant!
- Oh, shit. You're pregnant? - Oh, bingo!
- Give the man a fuckin' prize! - Be carefuI with that.
I don't, um- That's- Yeah, you are. You're very pregnant.
- I'm just wondering how that happened in a day. - I'm half Mexican.
Really?
Andy, do you know how hard it is...
to find a guy who can make you feeI like you're getting nailed by five guys?
Mmm. No, I don't- I don't know how hard that would be...
but that's not my baby.
Oh, God. Of course.
TypicaI response from an irresponsible, middle-aged guy...
who lives with a bunch of sex-crazed teenagers!
Okay. Come on. My friends are not sex-crazed teenagers.
Okay, yeah. He's cupping and maybe juggling your breasts a little bit.
Look- Do you mind?
Oh, awkward.
Thank you.
I thought you were wearing a condom.
No, I wasn't wearing a condom because I didn't have sex with you.
If you don't accept this child...
I am gonna go so Flint, Michigan on you...
that you are gonna go into a deep economic depression...
caused by the demise of the auto industry.
Then some fat guy's gonna do a documentary on you!
I don't understand what that means.
If that doesn't work-
then this baby is gonna suffer!
- It's just a baby, so- Don't smoke that. - May cause severe birth defects.
That's very 1970s. Don't do that, please.
- Still not your baby? - No, that's-
- Wanna go for underdeveloped lung capacity? - I don't want to go for that.
It's illegaI also, so please don't-
Okay. I know you're upset, so please don't drink that...
because that's how you make a baby homeless and- Oh!
Mommy, Mommy! No, Mommy!
We're done, Andy. It's over, jerk-off.
Sarah. Sarah! Come on!
I thought we had something! I mean, I let you throw up in my mouth!
Oh!
Hey, come on, Biscuit!
You're talkin' 'bout a hood rat.
Hey, she's just for practice, you know?
You can't get all emotionally involved all up in that shit.
I don't know, Blaqguy. I just feeI like I need to get out of here...
recharge my batteries, go on vacation.
But I don't- I don't know where to go!
Sarah Marshall was found canoodling with British rock sensation Aldous Bright...
in Maui, Hawaii.
The couple seemed very much in love as they frolicked about without a care in the world.
What's warm this time of year?
Maui, which is a favorite hot spot for many celebrities...
seems to be the place of choice for Aldous...
as we've seen him with multiple love interests just in the past few months.
- Maybe Australia? - Maui-
- No, that's too far. - is one of the warmest and closest of the tropic getaways.
- How 'bout Mexico? - Fuck face, are you deaf?
Your whore is here in Maui with another guy.
I have frequent flyer miles, but I- I don't know.
Hey, asshole! No wonder you're a virgin. You're a fucking retard.
- Turn the TVup. - Hey, you know what? How 'bout Maui?
Oh, ha, ha! Hey, Maui. Good call.
You'd be so far removed from anything Sarah, you'll get over her ass in no time.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't move, you sick fuck.
Where am I supposed to go, you fucking dickheads?
Hey, Mandy, quit takin' up all the drugs.
Yeah.
What the fuck? Holy shit!
McAnalovin!
Hold on there, bitch.
- Let me in! - Holy shit!
McAnalovin! Let me in the fuckin' car!
Dude! Jonah!
- Let him in the car, dude. - Any friend of yours is one of ours.
- Get on in, fat white boy! - Hi, baby!
Holy fuckin' shit! You got fuckin' beer!
- You got the fuckin'beer! - Of course I did. I'm McAnalovin!
- Fuckin'incredible! - Chicka-chicka-yeah!
And you got fuckin' tits in your car! Holy fucking shit!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
- Hi. - Aloha.
Oh.
Hi. I'm Andy Spitzer. I'm checking in.
Oh, Mr. Spitzer. Hello! We have you in one of our econo rooms.
Great. Yeah. That's $50 a night?
Fifty dollars. Of course.
Then there's a eight percent state tax, a seven percent city tax...
a 12% airport tax, a 32% stimulus tax and, of course, the valet fee.
Oh, valet. No, I didn't drive, so-
- Everyone pays the valet fee. It's standard. - Standard?
The grand totaI on your room will come to $485 per night.
Food is extra except the mint on your pillow at turndown.
$485? That's... ridiculous.
- It's a very good mint. - I know. I-I-
I'd like to speak to a manager, please.
- Manager to the front desk. Manager to the front desk.
We have a cheap bitch in line one. Cheap bitch in line one.
If he's not a cheap bitch, he's a broke-ass motherfucker.
Cheap bitch broke-ass motherfucker in line one!
- Okay. Can you- - Uh-uh. Piehole, I'm goin' on break.
- Andy? - Kim.
- What are you doing here? - I needed a vacation. This is so- Wow.
This is crazy. Well, I work here. I'm gonna hook you up.
I'm gonna give you the presidentiaI suite.
Oh, okay. Thank you. That's so nice of you.
- Under one condition. - Okay.
You take me on that date we were supposed to go on last week.
DeaI. I'd love to. Okay. T-Tonight?
- At 8:00 p. m.? - 8:00 p. m.'s great.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay. So, thank you so much.
Bye! I have my leg on. I didn't forget it this time.
If you don't open this door, asshole, I am gonna get the manager...
and have him throw your drunk, lowlife ass out on the street, you prick!
Sarah?
Oh! My baby daddy.
This is weird. Um, I came here on vacation...
and my friend gave me this room.
- This is weird. - It's not weird at all.
You came here to find me. That's so romantic.
No, I didn't come- No, this is a coincidence, really.
This is really just a coincidence.
So you're still not gonna claim your love child?
Baby, what is all the noise?
You're not still mad at me, are you?
Right. I thought you said no sex till after the baby.
That must be some other lady you're dating, 'cause we are gonna do it right now.
Bye, Andy.
Son of a bitch. He must have a girI over there.
Oh. Take it. Take it! Take it like a dirty whore!
Oh, yeah! Give me your man stick!
Oh, take it like a Brit who hates everything American!
No, I can't, 'cause I can see the baby moving.
- Yes. - Don't look.
Oh, yes! Give me your big limey lizard!
Oh, yeah! You're giving new meaning to "bangers and mash"!
Oh, God! You are so huge!
- Say you love me right now. - I love you right now.
- Fuckin' louder, bitch. - I love you right now!
I love you too, Aldous! Of course we can name the baby after you!
- No. I don't want to name the baby- - Shut up! Yes, you do!
Get inside me now.
Oh, yes!
Yes, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yeah! Yes!
- Something's got a hold of me willy. - What?
Something's got a hold of me willy! It feels like... baby hands.
Oh, good God, Lord! The baby's got a hold of me wanker!
Shut up! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Like that!
- Yes, yes! - What did you fuck, the deviI?
Daddy! Daddy! Play!
Oh, good Lord! Help me, Jesus Christ!
- This woman's got a demon in her sex! - Oh, yeah!
Oh, God!
Oh, yes!
- This place is really nice. - Yeah, I love it here.
It reminds me of a restaurant my uncle used to take me to when I was a little girI.
He'd always have a scotch. I hated the taste of it after he kissed me.
- Is that- Uh, is that you? - Huh?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh.
You know what? My ex-boyfriend owns this restaurant.
He took those of me one night when I was really toasted.
You have- Ex-boy- You've been here three days.
You already have an ex-boyfriend. Wow.
Once you start mixing alcohoI and Red Bull...
it's like you're behind the wheeI of a car going 100 miles an hour, but nobody's driving.
- Yeah. - Yeah. That's-
Wow. You're really flexible.
Oh, yeah. It's genetic. I come from a long line of leg spreaders.
Yeah. Because you seem to really like being naked.
A- Are you judging me, Andy? Is that what's going on here?
- No. No! - 'Cause if you are, I will walk out of here right now.
No, no, no. Kim, I'm not judging you. Please, I'm not judging you.
You know, I've gotten drunk and done some pretty wild things myself.
Just drop it, Andy, okay? Put the photos behind us?
- Yeah. Okay. I'm all for that, yeah. - Great. Thank you.
- Shall we order? - Yeah. I'm starving.
Is that a- Is that a gorilla?
Yeah, Andy. It's a gorilla.
- What does it look like, a giraffe? Come on. - No. Yeah.
- I like you, Andy. I like you a lot. - I like you too.
The funny thing is that usually I like to get really physical with the guys I date.
But with you, it's different.
- It's like I need something more. - Yeah.
I feel like I'm connecting with you on such a deeper level.
You're like a brother to me.
You've got this asexual vibe that's so hot.
It's like I could see us married for five years and not even kissing.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I really think we should just go a while without having sex.
Like a long, long while, you know?
- Just take things really slow. - Okay.
You know what I'm saying, Andy? 'Cause I don't think we should get each other hot and bothered.
I really think we should just let sex be the furthest thing from our minds.
- Okay. - I won't tongue your ear...
or rub my naturaI...
perky breasts up against your chest...
or lick your inner thigh all the way up to your c-
up to your- to your c-
- My c- - Yeah.
I really want to say it, but I feeI shy saying the word "cock. "
I think I know what you mean. Yeah.
Is that your cock? Oh, my God!
You're making a weird face right now.
- I am? Really? - Yeah.
It's funny. You look like a- like a crazy person.
Oh. Oh!
I had such a good time with you.
Oh, I just- I feeI like we're connected or something.
I feeI like you might be my souI mate.
Ooh! Take me from behind. Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, what the hell is that?
What? Oh. Oh, it's my tattoo.
My uncle inked it on me when I was, like, 12.
It's like a family crest. It's kind of cooI, right? I never got a full look at it.
- Are you Native American? - What? No.
I want you inside me right now.
- Please, Andy. - Okay, okay.
Don't do it, Andy! Do not throw away everything that we have built together!
- Who the hell is this? - Sarah, what are you doing?
Look, I made a mistake, okay? I never should have let you go.
You're the one that I want to be with.
I know it, and our baby knows it.
That is not my baby, okay? That is not my baby.
I know that this is a lot for you to process, and that's okay.
Oprah says that all men go through this first phase of deniaI with pregnancy...
and we can go through it together.
Hold on a second. Am I hearing that this is your baby?
- That is not my baby! - Of course it is. He's my baby's daddy.
I'm not your baby's daddy! Blaqguy's the baby's daddy.
Leave it up to the man to put the blame on the coloreds.
I'm not blaming anybody! Blaqguy had sex with you when you were blindfolded!
Okay, Andy. I'll humor you, all right?
There's only one way to find this out for sure. A little help, please!
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy claims...
that his roommate diddled Sarah while she wasn't lookin'.
Ooh!
Sarah claims that this baby is gonna come out all white and hairy...
just like his daddy Andy.
Aw!
So, to end all of this right now...
we have an amazing new D.N.A. test...
that can determine the father of a child before the baby is born.
Ooh!
Come here, you grisly little bastard.
I am so sick and tired-
of you deadbeat motherfuckers...
makin' us white guys look bad!
Oh, shit!
If it turns blue, ladies, we've got your baby's daddy.
I'm sorry, son. I may have been a little too hard on you right there.
You can take a hound to water...
but you can't water a hound.
Sarah, you're a bitch.
Good night, folks. I'm Dr. Bill.
He told you, bitch.
Now you look stupid.
Stupid? Who you callin' stupid, bitch?
- You, trick. - Trick? You the ho.
I'm the ho? You the ho with that ho mouth.
Should be eatin' out this peach with that ho mouth.
Oh, I will eat that peach.
I will eat that peach untiI it turns into a prune, bitch.
You think I'm scared of you turning my peach into a prune?
- Oh, you're not scared of me? - Nah, I ain't scared of you.
You're not scared of me suckin' it?
- I'm gonna suck you off like I did my man Andy. - What you say, bitch?
- You heard me. - What you say about my man Andy?
- Your man? - It's on, bitch.
All right. Are you ready?
Are you ready? Let's get it on!
Let me see what you can do.
Fucker!
Oh, I think I just farted. I'm sorry, you guys.
Come on, smelly snatch. Come on! Come on! Fuckin' do it!
Oh, you did not just fuck with my best asset.
Oh, did it just get cold in here?
- Let's go, bitch. - You want to go again? You want to go again?
Oh!
- Oh. - This is what I like to call the "Heather Mills," bitch.
Please! Don't.
You know what, Andy?
This is exactly the kind of drama I wanted to get away from by moving out here.
So who's it gonna be- me or her?
You're both, like, incredibly speciaI people, and I-
You know what? It's been reaI, but it's over.
- Kim, please- - Give me my leg!
Give it to me!
Hey. You ready for some of this?
- Aw, shit. - Pussy!
Young white one, follow me to the path of your destiny.
What?
Motherfucker, get yo' ass out of that lounge chair and follow me, bitch.
Damn!
Hi. Who are you?
The force is strong with this one.
- Virgin you are. - Are you-
A virgin? Yes. 140 years for me.
Okay. You're 140 years old? I doubt that. Nobody's 140 years old.
By not spilling your seed upon the sand, many years do you live.
Splooge is the key to life force, it is.
He's saying if you don't jerk it, you live longer.
- Really? - Mmm.
I'm 81 myself.
So, wait. I've been doing the right thing this whole time?
Yes have you.
Um, I'm sorry. Is that your ball sac?
Observant you are.
Scrotum very stretchy.
Yes, yes. Very stretchy.
- Yeah. - At age 41, your balls will fill up.
The bigger they get, the more force you'll have.
I don't care about the force. I don't want big balls.
Behold, the power of the virgin force.
Oh! No! This is not what I-
I don't want to be a virgin anymore!
I fear we have lost another one to the dark side.
Scratch the back of my balls, will you?
Reach them I cannot.
Jesus Christ.
That's so hot. Oh, my God. Smile on this one.
No, no. Don't use your teeth. Ah, that's-
Hey, hey, hey, fuck snort! What are you doing with my photos?
She's my girlfriend, and these are mine!
And don't call me a snort fuck or whatever it is you called me.
What a fuckin' hunyak! You, back at me right now. There we go.
It just isn't right that a woman as wonderfuI as you...
has her shaved... chunch plastered all over a four-star restaurant.
I know we're not together, but if we were I wouldn't want to share your growler with anyone.
Except for maybe the gorilla. That kind of turned me on.
It wasn't a gorilla, Andy. It was a guy in a fuzzy suit.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Look, I made a mistake back there by not telling you how I really feeI.
I choose you, Kim. I choose you.
#Now I know #
# My one mistake was not telling you #
# Memories #
# Wicked scenes #
# I can't escape or erase from the end #
I'm doomed!
I'm gonna be this old man with this giant nut sac...
and nobody to carry it around for me!
Oh, damn! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Holy fuck! Oh!
Andy!
- Andy! Oh, my God! Andy, are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry I said all those things to you.
I feeI horrible about it. I'm sorry.
- It's okay. Listen, Kim. - Yeah?
There's something I wanna tell you, okay?
You, too, have hepatitis "B" and an incurable case of burning Chlamydia?
- No. What? - What?
- Oh. I'm sorry. - Nothing. No. No.
- There's something else, okay? - Oh.
Look.
I'm a virgin.
Really?
Oh, Andy, that is so refreshing.
I haven't been with a virgin since I was, like, eight.
- Wait. What? - Since I was, like, eight.
Oh. Okay.
You know what?
I love you. You got hit by a car, and you're still standing up.
You're just undefeatable.
All right, Sarah! Just keep pushing!
Got some crowning action going on over here.
I can see the head, but the head can't see me. Here we go!
- I'm gonna take a look. - No, don't look! Don't look!
Holy Christ! I shouldn't have looked.
Oh, shit! Get it out! Get it out!
Here it comes.
Oh! Oh!
Can you hear me now?
No.
What about now?
Good.
- Oh! - I see the head.
- Shit! Ah, cocksucker, motherfucker! - Push.
Oh!
Congratulations on your beautifuI baby boy!
You got a playmate now.
Do I even know you?
- We got another one. - What? Oh, God!
- Here we are. It's coming. - Fuck!
Oh!
Uh, I'm gonna assume this one is yours?
Oh, he's beautifuI!
- Hey! - Here's another one.
Come on. Here it is.
Oh!
It's for you. Congratulations.
Oh, wow.
How many people did you have sex with?
It's coming! Here it is.
Is it- Is it-
My little rice ball.
Oh. Thank you, Nurse.
#Love #
# Love #
- Hey, Andy. Congratulations. - Congratulations.
Tonight you get to do both of us.
But we were just wondering one thing.
- Have you ever had a Turkish log jammer? - Double clam slam?
- Bolivian skyscraper? - Sweaty catfish sampler?
Pink glass shower?
Mouth fucking?
Okay. Get the fuck out of here!
Are you ready for this?
Yeah. I-I think so.
I'm gonna make it really easy on you. I'm gonna do all the work.
Oh. Okay.
- Oh. Oh! - Wow.
Oh, that feels- That's good.
You're officially not a virgin anymore.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, that's really- That feels good.
That feels, like, really good.
Why are you making that face?
- Aw, sorry. I'm sorry. - That's okay. It's all right.
Just try to look into my eyes.
Okay. Yeah. That's- Ah, there. There, that hurts.
This hurts. Little bit hurts. Good though. In a good way.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Okay. Oh.
Do it harder.
You shouldn't move. Something's going on now. Something's going on.
What's happening?
Ah! Get out of me! Get out!
Apparently, the wildfire has been completely extinguished.
But in related news...
Louisiana is now completely flooded.
A torrentiaI downpour of an unknown salty liquid...
has filled the area...
breaking the levees once again in the process.
Ha! Aha!
# She's a ho #
# Every night you take her out she starts acting crazy #
# Freaking every guy in the club who wants to play #
# She's a ho #
# You should know that you can't turn a ho into a housewife #
- # She will screw you over and make a joke of your life # - # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
- # She's a ho # - # She's a ho #
# Every time she comes around the guys you get embarrassed #
# She's a ho and that's a fact You just may want to wear this #
# Her vag is just a factory that pumps a lot of children #
# She has so many others that you might just want to kill them #
Uh-uh. I don't think you said that.
- # She's a ho # - I ain't no ho! You know what?
- It was your baby daddy that did that shit to me. - # She's a ho #
- Fuck you! Uh-uh! - # She's a ho #
- # For real # - # She's a ho #
- # Enchiladas # - # She's a ho #
- # Quesadillas # - # She's a ho #
# And taco supreme #
# She likes the taste of Matzo balls curry and Asian #
# Fried chicken, carnitas and she's into Caucasians #
# She's a ho #
# She blew him, she's on the mend Just blowin'for the cameras #
# Smile so big while those tightened asses are in slammers #
- # She's a ho # - Balls on her chin! She'll toss your salad!
- # She's a ho # - She's also into Cleveland steamers!
- # She's a ho # - # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
#She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
- # A ho # - # She's a ho #
# She's a ho #
# She'll suck your friends off ##
Yes.
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes, yes!
Yes, yes, you stupid, lamebrained, relentless...
snot-nosed, dickface, cocksucker, cock knocker...
motherfucker, yes!
Yes! Now, don't you ever give up?
Don't you have a conscience? Have you no fucking souI?
You unflinching bastard!
You stupid, relentless, lamebrained...
fucking cocksucker!
Fuck burger, fucking, fucking fuck burger!
Can you hear me now?
Yes.
Yes!
Yes. Yes.
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Why you such a douchebag #
# Frostin'your tips #
# Shakin'your hips #
# Dressed in drag #
# You walk around with your dick out #
# Dancin'like a fool #
# Lookin'like a tool #
# What a fag #
# And when you walk around with your pink shirt#
# And your spiky hair#
# It makes me want to give you a wedgie #
# By pulling on your underwear#
# Douchebag #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Ooh, why you such a douchebag #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Ooh, why you such a cock smoker#
# Wearin'Speedos while you swim #
# Rockin'spandex at the gym #
# All the time #
# Why you shavin'off your mustache #
# Grow some handlebars #
# And maybe you'll be a star#
# I don't know #
# Ooh, a douchebag #
# Let me hear you sing it #
# Everybody knows you're a douchebag #
# Everybody knows Everybody knows #
Uh.
Just when you thought it was over...
we come back.
Some mo'dick fo'your ass.
Yeah. Not a deuce.
English - US - SDH