Mary, come and eat breakfast.
Mama-a-popala,
mama-a-popala, mama-a-popala.
Huh-hum, mama, huh-hum, mama.
Oh, you're just the person I've been waiting for.
- Good morning, buttercup. - Good morning, Jack.
Help me pick a tie. How's this one?
Too traditional? Absolutely right.
How 'bout this one? Too avant garde.
No.
- This one? - I like that one.
What would I do without you?
- Did you see my red shoe? - Your red shoe?
I don't think I have.
If I were a red shoe, where would I hide?
Right over here? No.
Here? No.
What about back here? Nope.
Mary, honey, your breakfast is ready!
- Are you going to the "inner"? - The interview? Of course.
I'm going to meet your teachers,
tell 'em what a great kid you are.
- What should I wear? - Let's pick something out.
Thanks. I needed that.
Mary?
Go eat your breakfast. Hurry up.
- Did you get that review? - Yes, thank you.
I loved seeing that guy eat crow after what he said about you.
- You take my reviews too personally. - I don't think so.
When we're in a restaurant and you see a critic,
you want to throw your butter knife.
I would've got the last guy if he hadn't moved.
Oh, you missed a spot.
Hello, lovely ladies.
- Here's your breakfast, Michael. - Thanks.
- Toast is done. - Damn!
Jerry, I realize you're trying to save money,
but we are building an office for 12,000 people.
You can't put a bathroom on every other floor.
What if they don't go before they come to work?
Fine, okay.
I'll hold. Morning, everyone.
- Can you believe how people try to save money? - Jerry again?
Yeah, the Albert Schweitzer of real estate.
Oh, no!
- Look, my foot must have grown last night. - That's my shoe.
Thank God. I thought it was me.
Mary, don't you like your oatmeal?
- It tastes like rubber. - It's supposed to.
- What a crock. - Where did you hear that expression?
What a crock!
What? What'd I do?
Finish getting dressed. I'll fix something else.
Oh.
Did I say "over night"? I meant "over light."
- You don't like my eggs? - You kidding?
That's the best part about you.
They're perfect just like you are.
- Look. You did your hair. - Someone noticed!
Are we ready for the interview?
- Absolutely. - Definitely.
What about your commercial shoot?
They gave me an hour off.
This is the school we want Mary to go to.
I've been here the 5 years it took us to decide!
They put less research into the salt treaty.
- Primary school... - "Is the first watershed event of a child's life."
Have I said that before?
Not in the last 5 minutes.
- I'll be there. - Don't be late.
Have I ever let you down before?
Mary, while we're talking with the lady,
- you'll be in a class with other boys and girls. - Okay.
Relax. This isn't going to hurt.
I think we better start.
It's getting late. Yes, it is.
- You're the architect? - That's right.
And you are the cartoonist?
- Actually, I'm a satirist. - Michael draws Johnny Cool.
- Oh, that cute kitten! - He's really not a kitten.
He's a cat who symbolizes the angst of the single man.
- I adore that little hat he wears. - Mr. Holden is...
- The actor. - But very stable. Not one of...
Michael, they know actors are normal people.
Good afternoon!
Oh, my God!
I didn't mean to frighten you. Forgive the makeup.
I'm in the middle of a commercial...
for Fairlawn Margarine about Count Cholesterol.
Probably seen me on TV, huh?
How do you do?
Hmm? How do you do?
I had a hell of a time catching a cab.
What? Oh! Thank you.
Ooo! Look.
Mary's drawn a picture of her family.
Isn't that wonderful? That's wonderful, Mary.
Is that you? Yeah?
- Is that your mommy? - Yes.
- And who's that? - That's my biological daddy.
Oh. Who's that?
That's my one honorary daddy, and that's my other.
We all live together.
Okay.
Everybody put the tops back on your markers.
Take your drawings up to the front.
You have 3 daddies? That's weird.
- How come? - Julie has 2 daddies, but not at the same time.
- Why not? - You can't have more than...
one father at a time living with you. That's the law.
What's the role of other women?
- None whatsoever. - Can't say I've ever seen any in the house.
- Strictly professional. - Then you're gay.
- Is she kidding? - Gay!
How many women this month?
- That's hard to say. - I need a calculator.
We have a strict rule, no overnight guests...
while Mary's in the house.
This is a most unique family environment.
As a school psychologist,
I've told the committee in no uncertain terms,
that I was most impressed by Mary.
I found her to be a delightful and happy child.
- Yes, she is. - Thank you.
However, I must warn you she's coming to an age...
when even slight differences...
can threaten her sense of fitting in.
The littlest things: A parent's accent, how they dress.
While we think of ourselves as progressive,
I'd be less than candid...
if I said that 3 men without any legal responsibility,
didn't concern me a great deal.
- We have responsibilities. - I know what you're trying to say.
I should be the one to respond.
I know some of the children in this school,
and their parents. Family life is not easy.
Of all the fathers, stepfathers, half-fathers,
no 3 men support and love a child like these 3 men.
There is nothing they wouldn't do for her.
I can only hope that when it comes to fathers,
the children in this school are as lucky as Mary is.
Yeah, you're in. Congratulations.
Look at you.
What's the matter?
- Stuff. - What kind of stuff?
I don't know. I feel different.
- Says who? - People.
Oh. Who cares what people think?
- People think I'm different. - You are.
Yeah, well, so, see?
That's good.
Listen, let me tell you something here.
It's okay to be different.
You don't have to be like everybody else.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay, now,
unfortunately, your daddy has to go off and be famous.
But you... a-ha-ha.
But you are mine forever!
Anything you want. Money's no object.
- Hamburgers look great! - What can I get for you?
Do you have a penis?
Can we hear your specials?
This table's a little wobbly.
Give us a minute.
Mary, that's a very adult word. Where did you hear it?
Jenny said her father and brother have a penis.
Peter, you're the architect.
You explain it to her.
The penis is...
the urinary and copulatory organ...
of the male mammal.
It's composed primarily...
Thank you.
- What? - Did you memorize that?
I bet he says that to all the girls.
Mary and I are going to wash our hands.
I can't believe she said that.
- I didn't know about sex until I was in college. - I'm stunned!
- I was exaggerating. - I'm talking about Mary.
She's not a baby anymore.
That one word was like a trumpet...
announcing her adulthood.
- First comes penis, then... - Pete, can you say it louder?
She's susceptible to the outside world,
- boys, sex. - You're overreacting.
Yeah, what's a genital here and there?
Be quiet. They're coming.
Stop, Peter, stop.
I can't. My lips are stuck.
- It tickles! - I can't get 'em unstuck.
- What are you doing? - His lips are stuck.
Whoa! Whoa!
Boy, that was a close one!
- Good night. I gotta go. - Good night.
You two are crazy!
It's time for you to go to bed, little lady.
- Have sweet dreams. - Okay.
Hi, Stan. How you doing?
- Hello, gorgeous. - Hello, darling.
- Look what Mary made for you. - What a talent.
Love, I need to talk to you.
I did something wrong last night, didn't I?
- I missed a cue at the end of the first act? - Sylvia, relax.
You were your brilliant self.
I have been asked to direct...
"Midsummer Night's Dream" at The National.
Really? Oh, congratulations!
I want you to play Helena.
- Me? - Yes, you'll be sensational!
- Will you do it? - I'd love to do it.
- But? - Mary's starting school here.
Take her. We do have schools in England.
- Her family is here. - Your roommates, you mean?
- They're more than roommates. - I realize that.
It's a wonderful offer,
but it's a crucial time for Mary.
It's not because of our relationship, is it?
No, not at all.
My asking you is purely professional.
I never let my emotions interfere...
with my professional decisions.
Except, of course, when I'm horny.
Look, I won't pretend that I don't adore you,
or that I wouldn't give anything...
- if you'd finally agree to marry me. - I know,
but I have to consider Mary's needs.
And what about your needs?
I'll think about it.
There you go.
What's this button?
Don't touch that. That's the delete button.
- How do I get it to move? - Move the cursor down.
Try it.
- I did it. - Good. That was easy.
- What about Mary's new shoes? - Got 'em yesterday.
Mary has a dentist appointment Friday morning.
I've got my cooking class.
- Jack, can you cover it? - Yeah.
Who's coming to the airport to pick up my mother?
Your mom? Damn, I have that kidney operation.
- What about you, Pete? - Michael, I'll give you $1,000 if you'll do it.
I would, but I've got a meeting with my, um,
publisher!
I thought you had a date with Laurie.
That's tomorrow.
- I like Laurie. - So do I.
Been a while, huh, Michael?
- How's it going? - That's what we're going to talk about.
- Ooo, time to fish or cut bait, huh? - That's really romantic.
You'd be surprised how practical women are.
No matter what they say,
a woman wants to be swept off her feet.
- Like I swept you off your feet? - Knocked me off my feet.
Women want security.
You know what I want?
I want a man to make a fool of himself over me.
I'd make a fool of myself over you any day.
Michael, you're not breaking up with Laurie, are you?
We have to shake our relationship up.
Nothing shakes up a relationship like... marriage!
Who said anything about marriage?
- I don't know if I like this attitude around Mary. - How come you're not married?
- Oh... - Oh... - Oh...
I'd like to get back to the penis.
We never did cover that.
Come along, before you're permanently warped.
- Thank you for coming. I can always count on you. - Sure.
- Darling! - It's wonderful to see you.
- Welcome, Mrs. Bennington. - Michael.
- Peter. - Oh, yes.
Jack wanted to come, but he was busy.
Spreading his seed, no doubt.
- How is Mary? - You won't believe how much she's grown.
Michael?
What? No furniture?
- Oh, thank you, Michael. - Peter.
Look. It's the biological one.
Mom.
Why when you say it, does it sound frightening?
Great to see you. You're looking... so close.
I hope you can stay for a while.
- Mother's staying at The Plaza. - I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.
Gee, so soon?
Come along. I've made your favorite biscuits.
Oh, good shot, Mom.
Don't you think you can stay longer?
- I tried to change her mind. - Did someone leave a window open?
In you get, darling. Lie down. That's it.
Lovely.
Tomorrow, we can do anything you want.
Can we toss a Frisbee?
We'll discuss that in the morning.
Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?
I want a rap song.
Oh.
I need a drink.
Have you seen Jack?
I think he went out with Cassie.
Damn. He promised to rehearse this scene.
I've got to do it in class.
He probably forgot.
Yeah.
Sylvia, wait a minute. I'll do it with you.
- You? - Sure, why not?
I rehearsed with Jack. I was a terrific Lady Macbeth.
- What's the play? - "Rainmaker."
Well, where do you want me?
All right. Stand here.
- You're sure? - Yeah, this is great.
- Then here. - All right.
Ah, I'm Starbuck?
Unless you want to play Lizzie.
Starbuck will be fine.
Starbuck is a very dynamic, passionate,
very charismatic man.
Right.
- You ready? - Ready.
"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"
What's the matter?
Nothing, nothing. Just be natural.
You're being a little too large.
Okay. Natural. I can do that.
Natural.
"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"
- No, I'm plain. - "You don't know you're a woman?"
- I am a woman! A plain one. - "Every woman is pretty."
Not me.
"Close your eyes, Lizzie. Close 'em.
Now say, I'm pretty."
- I can't. - "Say it!
- Say it, Lizzie." - I'm pretty!
What'd you do that for?
It's... in the script.
Well, no.
Actually it says, "He kisses her."
Right.
Do you want to try it again?
Okay.
- You ready? - Ready.
Close your eyes.
- Say, "I'm pretty." - I can't.
- Say it, Lizzie. - I am pretty.
Um,
Jack should be doing this.
He's the actor. I was terrible.
You were doing so well!
I was totally unbelievable.
I thought you were very believable.
Oh, my God.
I thought this was against the rules.
No one's home.
- Except Mary. - And she's sound asleep.
- Laurie, I've been thinking about us. - Have you?
I think that it's...
time for us to...
to fish or cut bait.
All my life, I've dreamt of a man saying that to me.
Sorry. I don't know where that came from.
Aaah! There's snakes in my bed!
Ah, Mary!
- You remember my friend, Laurie. - It's nice to see you.
We were just making, ah, ah,
what were you saying?
Snakes! Snakes, a-ha.
- There are no snakes in your bed. - Maybe rats.
No rats, either.
- I'll be back. - Bye.
- You're looking tired. - I'm not.
You're looking sleepy.
I'm not sleepy.
- Is everything all right? - Why do you ask?
You seem tense.
I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like my life is one long improvisation.
I don't have time to think, plan or take it in.
Things are thrown at me and I react.
I keep asking myself, "Am I a good mother?"
Every mother asks herself that.
- Did you? - Constantly.
- Really? - You're a wonderful mother.
All you need now is a husband.
Romance is the last thing on my mind now.
I'm not talking about romance.
I'm talking about marriage.
What's happening between you and Edward?
He proposed to me.
And?
Edward is a wonderful man.
In some ways, I love him very much.
But... something keeps me from saying "yes."
Would that something happen to be a tall architect?
- What do you mean? - You're wasting your time with that one.
Why do you say that?
Some men are never comfortable with their feelings.
They can't open up.
He does with Mary. He's wonderful with her.
That's different.
If you think you can get him to open up to you,
then, by all means, marry him.
You'll find you've wasted precious time...
waiting for nothing.
Mary, turn off the TV and go to sleep.
- No! - We leave her with you...
- and she's crazy. - She's going through some weird phase.
- It's no different than before. - It's a lot different!
- Things have got to change around here. - I heard you.
It's not healthy for a guy to get excited and have to stop!
- She wouldn't stop bothering us all night. - Give me that.
Laurie finally left.
I'm pulling the plug.
I've got a life, too, you know!
Shit!
- You said the "S" word. - I didn't. Ah, shit!
- Are you listening? - I'm electrocuting myself.
What is going on?
What are you doing up, young lady?
Excuse us.
What started all this?
I think we're getting into some uncharted territory.
- Is it mine or yours? - It's me.
I'll take that one.
- How's Mary? - Asleep for now.
What's the matter with her?
We're getting a taste of tough things ahead.
- Adolescence! - Puberty.
- Puberty was my favorite stage. - I'm serious, Jack.
So am I! That's one thing I was good at.
How long do you think we're gonna be able to do this?
- Do what, honey? - Live like this.
Me, you, Mary.
It's worked so far, hasn't it?
It was necessary at first.
And now you're such a big star you don't need us.
That's not fair, Jack.
I don't think we're meeting...
Mary's or my or your needs.
What needs are you talking about?
Passion, marriage, children, sex!
You took the words out of my mouth!
I'll talk to Mary about sex if you want.
- Not sex for Mary, sex for me. - Uh-oh.
Time to dust off the old penis speech.
- I never have it with me when I need it. - I'm serious!
I want to get married. I want more children.
This must be limiting for you.
It is. That's the problem.
If Mary and I hadn't moved in,
- you'd be in different places now. - We'd be married.
We'd be divorced. You saved us a fortune.
Joke all you want,
but Mary needs a more normal environment.
She's very confused and so am I.
Okay, I'll live up to my responsibility.
You want to marry me?
Jack, be serious.
I am! We had a child together.
What do you say?
- Want to sleep on it? - She did that once.
Hey, shut up!
Do you want to marry me?
No.
No?
But thank you for asking.
Whew! That was a close one.
Jack, you're a wonderful man and a great father,
- but you'd be a terrible husband. - I can live with that.
Besides, I don't love you.
Not romantically. You don't love me either.
- How do you know? - I know. - Maybe he does.
No, he's not that good an actor.
I know you too well.
- I could fool you. - Never!
I never know what to do with my hands.
My hands are always giving me away.
I didn't come down here...
expecting the 3 of you to draw straws for me.
A lot of things are changing.
It's time we face it.
Come in.
- Oh, Peter! Is Mary all right? - She's fine.
Last time you came to the theater,
she had a raisin in her ear.
- That was Jack who put the raisin in her ear. - I should've known.
That's a very pretty dress.
Thank you.
- What brings you here? - You.
- Me? - You're right. We haven't been...
paying enough attention to your needs.
There's something that I wanted to say to you...
without Michael and Jack around.
What is it?
Well,
I think you should get married and have more kids.
If they're like Mary, you should have a dozen.
I just wanted you to know that.
Whatever you decide, I'll support you.
Is that all?
Well, make sure you pick the right guy!
Don't just rush into it.
I'm not rushing into anything.
That's what everybody thinks when they're doing it.
- This is a huge step. - Maybe it's time we take some huge steps.
Picking the wrong person is the worst mistake.
- I know. - Do you?
- How many times have you been married? - Once.
What?
When?
We've spent all this time together,
and you've never told me.
Well, it was a long time ago...
for about an hour.
- DoJack and Michael know? - Jack knows.
No one else?
My ex-wife has a dim recollection.
Obviously it was a wonderful experience for you.
One that can never be equaled,
not without bloodshed, anyway.
- Look. - Darling! Oh.
- Peter, I didn't know you were here. - Hello, darling.
I was...
just leaving,
Edward.
Think about it.
I will.
We can't force Sylvia to marry somebody we choose for her.
All we're saying is that she wants to get married,
so let's introduce her to some nice guys.
If it's a friend, it'll make things easier on us.
That's true.
- Good. Read the list. - Okay. Carl?
- Carl is too short. - He won't be a threat to Mary.
She's bigger.
- What about Bill? - I like Bill.
Don't we need someone a little more elegant?
Moose? Probably not.
- Denny. - Denny's a great idea.
- Denny's always broke. - What aboutJim?
Someone a little more mature than Mary would be preferable.
- Slim pickings. - Glad I'm not searching for a husband.
I'm looking better.
- Greg? - Too young.
- Matt? - Too old.
- Trevor? - Too fat.
Bill? Billy-Bob? Billy-Joe?
- Peter, we're not asking you to marry the guy. - What about Edward?
He's English.
- So is Sylvia. - Nah, that's one of those actor-director things.
They never last. Trust me.
- You know what I'm thinking? - What?
I'm thinking I'd like to have another child.
Maybe two more.
Maybe even a dozen!
I'd like to have children.
Really? You didn't before.
I must be growing up.
I thought you liked those opening night parties.
The hotels, the stars!
- I thought that was the best part. - I lied.
You're the best part.
I love you, Sylvia Bennington.
Marry me.
I'm getting married.
I'm getting married!
I'm, I'm... I'm getting married.
Ah, no!
Sylvia, there's no more milk.
- I'm getting married. - Don't overreact. I can get some milk.
- I think she's serious. You serious? - I'm very serious.
- You're getting married? - Yes.
- To someone specific? - No, to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
- We spent all night and couldn't come up with squat. - What?
Never mind.
- Who is he? - Edward.
Yes!
Sweetheart, come on, he's a director.
Why him?
Because he asked me,
and because I love him.
I've got so much to do. We're being married in England.
- When? - Soon.
Edward's directing "Midsummer Night's Dream,"
- and I'll be doing it with him. - Anything for me?
Jack!
Aren't you happy for me?
Yeah, yeah, of course we are.
How many times does a lady get married, huh?
- 2, 3 times at the most? - Just once for me.
Where are you going to live?
London.
- London, England? - No, London, New Jersey.
And Mary?
I'm taking Mary with me.
Mommy, I can't find Sabrina.
I'll be right there, darling.
Look, I know this is sudden.
It's not easy for me, either.
I love you all very, very much.
I'm counting on you.
I really need your understanding!
It's the best thing for everyone,
so try and support me in this, will you?
Moving to London?
I don't want to go to England.
Sometimes we gotta do things...
that seem kinda hard at first.
Most of the time they turn out to be great.
- No, they don't. - Sure, they do.
- Like you. - What do you mean?
When you first showed up, we weren't sure we'd like you.
Why not?
All you did was eat, sleep and cry.
Look how great it turned out.
But I'll never see you again.
We'll come visit you and you can visit us.
Not every day.
No, not every day.
I'll tell you what. Close your eyes.
- I don't want to. - Come on, close your eyes.
Are you cheating? Are they closed?
Okay. Can you see us?
- No. - Then you're not looking hard enough.
Look real hard, way in the back.
Can you see us now?
- Yeah, I can see you. - There you go.
- What are we doing? - Michael's drawing.
- What's Jack doing? - Jack's looking in the mirror.
You are watching basketball on TV,
yelling atJack for not cleaning up the kitchen.
See? That sounds about right to me.
Whenever you need us, you close your eyes real tight.
You look for us,
and we'll be right there with you.
Sit on my lap.
Remember, don't open it...
unless you're prepared to love and care for what's in it.
- What is it? - You won't know until you open it.
You're wonderful with her.
Broadway's nothing compared to children, the toughest audience.
- Glad you could come, Edward. - Good to see you, Peter.
Michael, I adored your cartoon this morning.
What astonishes me is the way a satirist,
like yourself, can draw in one frame,
what it takes 2 or 3 hours in a play to accomplish.
I like to think I touch upon the deeper issues of society.
- Jack, how are you? - Unemployed.
I meant to explain why I didn't cast you.
You don't... It's all right.
- Why didn't you? - That's all right.
I realized thatJack is far too...
large an actor for that part.
Your comic expertise would've thrown the play out of balance.
I loved your last commercial, by the way.
- The laxative one? - You were hysterical.
I don't want to sound conceited,
but a lot of people really believed I was constipated.
As I did. Truly.
Thanks. That means a lot to me.
I think we need drinks.
I think we need shovels.
This is crazy.
All I'm doing is talking about myself.
Can I fill your drink up for you, Ed?
- You don't mind if I call you Ed? - Not at all.
- I opened my present. - You did?
- What is it? - A picture of a horse.
- You've got to love and care for that horse. - It's only a picture.
My kind of horse.
- Home in England, it's a real horse. - It is?
You got her a real horse?
Thank Edward.
Thank you, Edward.
Jack, Edward gave me a horse.
- You made her day, her year. - Edward?
It can be dangerous to bargain for a child's affection.
- I'm sorry? - Would anyone like my liver mousse hors d'oeuvres?
You buy her a horse, what's next?
Two horses? Three horses?
They're made from fresh goat liver.
Then what? A motorcycle, a car?
Pete, put one in your mouth.
- Where does it end? - I see your point.
You've never been around a kid before, have you?
No. Like yourself, I've never had a child of my own.
Raising a child is not as easy as it looks.
- It doesn't look easy. - It isn't.
They see through people quicker than adults do.
I think we should eat.
I'm sorry about Peter.
I don't know what he thought he was doing.
I can handle him.
My favorite was when he said he really thought...
Jack was constipated in that commercial.
- Can you believe that? - What a crock.
Are you saying you didn't think I was constipated?
- Are you saying that? - Don't take it personally.
What do you know about acting? You act constipated!
Peter.
What you did today was totally uncalled-for.
What did I do?
You acted like a spoiled child!
Well, I don't like the guy.
- You never gave him a chance. - He's not right for Mary.
No one supposes that he's as perfect as you are.
I'm only thinking of Mary.
You're not! You're only thinking of yourself,
how you're going to miss Mary,
how someone else will be with her when you're not.
You haven't once thought of what she or I need.
Not true.
Do you know how hard today was for me?
It was very hard.
I needed a little support from you.
All I got was a helping of your bruised ego.
You're a selfish bastard!
I'm selfish?
I didn't leave my baby on a doorstep at 6 months old.
- They're really starting to hate each other. - Don't kid yourself.
I still love the first woman who hit me.
Remember the day I got Sabrina,
and you left her on the bus?
Remember that?
Do you remember the day she fell in the pond?
- You dropped her when you were smiling at that lady. - I did?
Yes, I did. I forgot that.
Me and Sabrina have a connection.
When you're in England with Sabrina,
it'll be like you're there with me. Deal?
Will you miss me?
Will I miss you? Mary, I love you.
You're the most perfect thing I've done in my life.
- What do you mean? - Someday I'll explain.
Right now, you should go back to bed. Okay?
I'll see you later.
- Well. - There, sweetie.
- I'm gonna miss you. - I'm going to miss you, too.
Okay, sweetie.
Okay, you be a strong little girl.
Help your mother, right?
I will.
Okay.
- Call when you get there. - We will.
Are you going to the wedding?
Nope.
- You? - Nah.
I got deadlines.
You?
No, I have that TV movie in Brazil.
I don't think I can watch Sylvia get married.
It'd be like watching our family end.
Let's have a party.
Yeah? What kind?
The kind we used to throw all the time.
I like that idea!
We could even have it on a school night.
Yeah! It'd be like our return to bachelorhood.
- Enough? - That's great.
- Hi, how are you? - Fine.
- Is this fun, or what? - Yeah!
We gotta make up for lost time, fellas.
Why don't I take the blondes?
I'll take the brunettes.
I guess that leaves me the redheads.
- Excuse me. Would you like to dance? - Sure.
You're gonna have to keep up with me.
- I'm one hell of a dancer. - Oh!
Ahhh!
Are you okay?
Oh, don't worry.
Look. Every picture, she gets cuter and cuter.
- Did I tell you what Mary said last year? - Only until May.
I'm gonna get a drink, then we can start on June.
I did some of the work myself.
- This bookcase is from a farm. - Where?
- What did you say your name was? - Allisia.
I'm Peter. The farm was in Vermont.
It's old, from the 18th century.
I like it. When are you gonna paint it?
Wanna dance?
Rubber Duckie Joy ofjoys
When I squeeze you you make noise
Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of you
Here it is. My speciality,
liver mousse and poached eggs.
An attractive combination.
- It's great. - Don't you like it?
- I love it, but we do have a cook. - I like doing it.
Try it, Edward. You'll like it.
Whoever taught you to hold your teacup like that?
I don't know anybody here.
- I thought Glenn was coming. - His kids have measles.
- Martha? - She had to make an asparagus costume for Tommy.
So much for life in the fast lane.
What are we doing here?
Having a great time. Can't you tell?
- Why aren't we in England? - Ah, Michael.
I spoke to Mary.
I could sense she was not happy.
She said she was having a good time.
I know what I'm talking about.
My parents sent me to camp every summer.
The counselors made us write postcards home.
I'd be sharing a cabin with a guy who collected farts,
and I'd be praying the whole place would burn.
But I'd always write what a good time I was having.
Believe me, you guys,
our little girl is miserable.
I'm going to England.
You can stay here if you like.
I'm going.
What's this thing run on, batteries?
The last one they had.
I hate England. I always have.
As long as we're here, look on the bright side.
You're right. I'm sorry.
- The toilet paper's like Reynolds Wrap. - That's a start.
It's so damn cold, the only thing that's warm is the ice.
- You know what I hate most? - What?
- The way they use words like "schedule." - And "vitamins."
- Other side, Pete! - Damn!
- Want me to drive? - Relax.
We're lost. I haven't seen a road that's marked.
What's that noise?
- Do you think it's the engine? - Uh-uh.
The next road.
I can't hear a word he's saying.
Okay, I got it.
On your right,
you'll see two large trees and a gray stone,
which my wife says reminds her of a tortoise.
In between those trees...
is a long, narrow road...
with a shallow brook running alongside...
...and a short hedge full of white blossoms.
Now, don't take that road!
Let's get out of here as fast as we possibly can.
Maybe we should have called first.
Don't worry about it. This'll be more fun.
This is it? It's so huge.
Looks like a hotel.
Wow, look at this place.
Family money.
Yeah.
Hey.
The Medieval version of permanent press.
How do you take a leak in one of these things?
Carefully, very carefully.
Come on.
There she is!
Look, it's Michael and Peter!
My life is complete.
- Yea! - Yea!
- We missed you! - Missed you more.
Welcome.
- Good of you to come. - Edward.
Hi, Sylvia.
- Where's Jack? - Making a movie.
- He got a job? - Yeah.
We thought we'd surprise you.
You certainly did. It's wonderful.
- You must stay with us. Is that all right? - Of course.
How did you find us?
It was no trouble at all.
I'm not surprised.
- My horse's name is Slamdunk. - Let's go see him!
- You'd probably like to unpack. - Oh, sure. Sorry.
Barrow, show these gentlemen...
to the guest rooms in the west wing.
Very good, miss.
- Not bad. - Nice.
The water closet is in here, sir.
You were very well behaved before.
Well, we're all civilized people.
- Michael! Peter! - Hey!
What'd you bring me?
Did we bring anything for Mary?
- I can't remember. Look in that suitcase. - Yeah!
Look at that,
and Jack sent you a makeup case.
It's just like his!
Dinner will be served...
promptly at 8:00, gentlemen.
- Sure we're not overdressed? - Trust me.
I saw " Brideshead Revisited" 3 times.
Has someone died?
Not yet.
Peter, Michael, let me introduce you.
This is Dierdre Coleman, with the foreign service,
and Wilfred Blair, director of the national theater.
Edward's told me about your commune.
- How do you do? - And Reverend Hewitt, who'll be marrying us.
How do you do? Is there more salmon?
Peter and Michael, friends of Sylvia's.
- Yes, but is there any more salmon? - Yes.
There is Sylvia now.
Peter, there's someone over here I'd love you to meet.
Elspeth, I'd love you to meet Peter Mitchell.
Miss Elspeth Lomax.
- How do you do? - Miss Lomax is from Guernsey.
Oh, where the cows come from.
- Mr. Mitchell is... - An architect.
Well, then,
do you align yourself with the post-modernists,
- or are you more of a classicist? - What?
Prince Charles is having war in this country with...
- Ooh, bang! - Sorry.
Um...
No, uh...
There's some roe on your nose.
- Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. - It's all right.
What is it that you do?
I'm the headmistress of a girls' school...
in West Riding.
You may have heard of it.
The Pileforth Academy.
Pileforth? I can't say that I have.
We've turned out England's finest young ladies...
since the 18th century.
Excuse me. Mary'd like to see us.
Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
I think he fancies you.
Don't be such a rogue.
- What makes you say that? - He asked to meet you.
- I know Peter pretty well. - Do you?
- A woman has to walk a fine line with him. - How so?
She has to make it very clear that she's attracted to him,
but she can't come on too strongly.
Say no more.
You ever get the feeling you're being watched?
- I make up stories about them. - She was...
on the cover of"Rolling Stone."
- We brought super-chunk peanut butter. - From New York.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Wait here. I'll get it.
- Oh, Peter. I was just... - Hi.
- I'm sorry. - No, what were you gonna say?
Is everything all right?
Towels, blankets?
Everything is fine.
- You look great. - So do you.
Well, Sylvia...
You know how you want to say something...
and then you don't,
and then by the time you say it,
it's been such a long time.
One time, Sandra, my assistant,
- she never told me this guy called... - What is it...
you want to say?
I'm sorry about what I said before you left.
So am I. I overreacted.
You have a pretty good right hook,
but I deserved it.
I was out of line, way out of line.
Ahem.
I beg your pardon, miss.
Lady Eastwick is leaving.
- I have to go. - It's all right.
Jack, how's the movie going?
Fabulous role, Michael.
Kind of a South American King Lear.
I don't want to talk about me.
- Where's Mary? - Asleep.
How's she doing? Is she any bigger?
Has she got the accent down yet?
She missed us. She misses you, Jack.
Tell her I miss her, too.
- Gonna make it to the wedding? - I don't know, Michael.
I really need the work, and I'm pivotal to the plot.
We need you here.
Fruit of the Loom, you're on!
I gotta go. Bye-bye.
Not so splendid as your mighty erections,
I imagine.
- Did I frighten you? - I was expecting Mary.
Little Mary, yes.
What a delightful, if somewhat wilful child.
She'll make an excellent Pileforth student.
She's going to your school?
No, not immediately, but eventually.
- She wouldn't like it. - What makes you say that?
Boarding school is definitely not for her.
Tell me, are you always such a slave...
to your instincts?
No, not usually.
Don't underestimate what Pileforth can do for a lady.
After all,
I am a Pileforth girl myself.
Oh, that's reassuring.
In fact, I'm going back there this morning.
I was just wondering...
whether you'd like to, um,
visit.
No, but thank you.
No.
I hope you don't mind my saying this,
but you seem to be a little distracted.
Do I? Well,
you're right.
I'm very confused right now.
I can't make any sense out of anything.
Really? How do you mean?
Well, you're a woman.
- You are correct. - Tell me something.
How can a man look at a woman...
and not realize how he feels about her?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I must admit to not being the most worldly of women,
but I can assure you I'm not oblivious...
of the ways of Eros.
If I'm so attracted to her, why can't I tell her?
Perhaps those of us who have...
navigated the river of life singly...
are wary of rocking the punt.
I don't know what to do.
Well, tell her.
Seek the auspicious moment...
and, um, tell her.
Colder, colder,
colder,
colder.
Warmer, getting warmer.
Warmer, warmer.
- Isn't this fun? - A splendid game.
I can see why so many cherish it.
Warmer, hotter.
Very hot! Very hot!
For God's sake, what have you done now?
I'm terribly sorry.
Do you have any idea how important these letters are?
- I made him play. - I told you not to play your games in the house!
Leave them alone!
Barrow, get me some towels.
I'm sick of rearranging my life because of a child!
Now go to your room!
He doesn't like me. He's always yelling at me.
He yelled at me this morning...
when Miss Lomax was measuring me.
When she was what?
Measuring me for my new clothes.
What new clothes?
A blue jacket, a patch right here...
like the other girls wear.
She means a uniform.
Miss Lomax was measuring Mary for a school uniform.
- Why? - I think Edward's...
planning on sending Mary to that boarding school.
Those places are like reformatories!
I think we should check this out.
- Do you like it here? - It's wonderful, sir.
Hi there.
It's a Stepford school.
So,
the skeptical American has changed his mind...
and come to judge for himself.
- We had some time. - So we came up.
Oh, you must be hungry.
Come, let me satisfy your appetite.
What's the usual age of a girl who comes here?
The usual age of an enrolling student is 8.
We have made exceptions for children as young as 6 or 7.
That sounds very young.
But the system has worked for more than 200 years.
We take great care of our girls.
We have a registered nutritionist...
who supervises all our meals.
Didn't you enjoy your lunch?
- I've never tasted anything better. - You haven't touched it.
- This is where the girls sleep. - Nice.
Well, it's not exactly the Hilton,
but it's certainly conducive to study.
I spent many a happy night in this dormitory.
This is the room...
where the late Duke of Pileforth used to kennel his hounds.
I can tell.
Look, it's not as cold as it might first appear.
You know,
sometimes beneath the most rigid surface...
lies a surprising fervor.
What's the matter, darling?
I'm concerned about Mary.
She'll come around. You'll see.
I'm nervous about tomorrow.
- Don't you want to get married? - Of course I do.
I think so. Yes, I do.
- Why do you ask? - Everything's going to be fine.
You son of a bitch. You're sending Mary to that school!
- What are you talking about? - We went to Pileforth.
He's planning to send Mary there.
In 5 or 6 years, that's a possibility.
- No, next term! - That's not true.
- He's lying. - Rubbish.
- Why was Miss Lomax measuring Mary? - Was she?
- For a uniform. - A gift. She asked me if she could give Mary a blazer.
- Why? - With the presents we'll get, Mary might feel left out.
- That's a very sweet thought. - I thought so.
What a crock!
Did you come here to stir up trouble?
Darling, it's just a misunderstanding.
It's not a misunderstanding. You can't trust this guy.
He's lying!
You have no proof of that.
I don't need any proof! I feel it.
Who bloody cares?
Edward, I made it!
Hallelujah.
Sylvia, you can't marry this guy.
Why not? Tell me, Peter.
I want to know.
For Mary's sake.
You may not like Edward,
but I love him and I'm marrying him.
I'd tell you not to come, but Mary would be crushed.
For her sake, please, do come.
But as far as I'm concerned, stay out of my life.
- Hi. - Hi.
You haven't lost your touch with women.
Ever think about making an instructional video?
What'd you want to say?
I know a lot of people don't take me seriously.
They think I'm conceited, self-centered;
I can't see anything except what's happening to me.
Please correct me if I'm wrong.
I will.
Look, Pete,
I've lived with you for 7 years now.
I know you as well as anybody, better.
These last 5 years...
with Mary and Sylvia and Michael and me,
you have been the glue that kept us together.
We depended on you.
We made you the father, and it worked.
But it's kept you from admitting...
how you feel about Sylvia.
You love her, don't you?
Why do you say that?
Don't you?
Aw, come on, Pete.
- Say how you feel. - Okay, I love her!
I knew it!
I wish they had a category like this on "Jeopardy."
- What's holding you back? - I don't know.
You know!
- You, for one. - Me?
- You're Mary's father. - So?
You're my best friend, too.
You kiss Sylvia all the time.
- You always tell her how much you love her. - That's actor stuff.
Well, I always figured you and she would eventually...
You were there. She said I didn't love her that way.
She was right. I don't. Not that I couldn't fool her.
You do love her that way, and she loves you!
She loves me?
- Then why is she marrying Edward? - You never asked her!
Yeah, but you...
But what, Pete?
I'm scared.
Of what, getting married again?
Yes! I love Sylvia. Okay, I said it.
I love her so much it's making me crazy,
but I'm scared of screwing up like I did the last time.
I'm scared of hurting Sylvia,
Mary, you, and Michael...
and me.
It's tough being papa bear, isn't it?
I love you. You're a very special man.
If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you.
If you love her, you've gotta go for it.
You can make it work, believe me.
You're a good friend.
I'm a great friend. What's this good shit?
- I'm going to Pileforth! - Think this through.
- I think too much. - He does.
- I love Sylvia. - Then tell her!
I gotta prove the guy's a fraud.
How?
There's gotta be files,
something to show that he's sending Mary there.
- Suppose you're wrong? - Your words, Jack,
"If you want something, go for it. "
- Jack! - There you are, baby doll!
I knew you were coming. I told Sabrina you would.
Where are you going?
I'll be back. I love your mom.
He's been really weird.
Is there someone there?
Mr. Mitchell!
What are you doing in my closet?
Sometimes a man has to be alone.
And sometimes he needs companionship.
I'm sorry, but...
I've gotta be totally honest with you.
Let's just lay it out right on the table!
Oh, I'm glad that your infatuation...
has at last found a voice.
- It has? - We have no more excuses now!
We are creatures of the night.
We are children of la luna!
Wait, we're breaking the rules of propriety.
Oh, rules, rules, rules are made to be broken!
- Oh, kiss me! - What about the girls?
They can't have you!
I've never met your family.
I've never asked your father's permission.
My father's a doddering old fool!
There's something I have to tell you.
I'm impotent!
I find that so charming in a man.
Miss Lomax... Elspeth...
Oh, shut up and take me!
- Am I everything you expected? - And more... much more!
No! We can't, not tonight!
We mustn't let one night of passion...
cloud our entire relationship.
I understand what you're saying.
As hard as it may be,
we must control ourselves!
Good night.
Oh, you are a true gentleman.
Damn it!
Damn!
Darling, where have you been? We have so much to do.
I wanted a few moments by myself.
- Feeling nervous? - A little.
It's quite natural to feel nervous.
In less than 2 hours,
you'll be leaving a whole part of your life behind you,
and entering a lifelong contract...
that will change everything you've ever known.
Thank you, Mother. I feel much better.
That's what mothers are for.
The good news is, I've got the proof.
The bad news is, I'm still a long way away.
Jack and I are cooking up a plan.
- Just get here. - The cavalry just showed up.
I'll be there.
Wait! Stop!
Am I glad to see you!
Mr. Mitchell! What are you doing here?
I'll explain. Let's go.
We've got to stall the wedding until Peter gets back.
- I'm ready. - You with us? - Yes!
All right, we've got one hour.
- This way, vicar. - I haven't finished my breakfast.
Where are you taking me?
They've moved the ceremony.
- I'm driving you to a new church. - Who are you?
That's an interesting theological question.
Who are any of us?
Good point. I've often suggested...
my congregation ask itself that very question.
And if, in fact, we exist at all.
I have a syllogism that answers that problem.
It goes like this...
All pigs exist. I exist. Therefore, I am a... pig.
That's not right. I've got it!
All people exist. All pigs exist.
Therefore all people are pigs.
No, that's not it either.
I was under the impression that Sylvia knew...
that Mary was to be enrolled for next term.
She has absolutely no idea.
How extraordinary.
All they said was, "The vicar was ill."
We'll have to find another.
You can't swing a dead cat around the English countryside,
without hitting a vicar.
More news from the vicarage.
They're sending a replacement.
Oh, there you are.
It's hard to believe that it's taken 5 years...
to realize my true feelings for her.
I'm sorry if I misled you.
Say no more.
All is fair in love and war.
You're a very attractive woman.
Oh, I know.
We've got to get you to the church before the wedding.
We shall succeed!
I know a shortcut.
You'll never get that out, lad.
Do you have a car we could use?
A horse? Anything that moves?
Ahem. Bride or groom, sir?
Just a guest, thank you.
I think that's the church up there.
I certainly hope we haven't missed the champagne.
Vicar, wait!
This isn't the wedding!
What?
What a joyous event...
we have come here to celebrate this glorious day.
I look like a dork.
You don't look like a dork. You look very beautiful.
Edward give you the ring?
- Yes. - Where is it?
It's in my pocket.
Peter's not here yet.
He will be.
It's not right without him.
You're too young now, but one day you'll understand.
I understand now.
Do you?
Peter loves you.
Keep everybody happy. The vicar's not here yet.
I'm starting a wave.
Oh, vicar!
We're grateful you could come on short notice.
Not to worry. I love weddings.
People are always so... hopeful.
- No, this way. - Oh, yes.
Oh!
What time is it?
Oh, you look lovely, darling.
We're going to have to go ahead without them.
But who'll give me away?
Oh...
Sit down.
Oh, what a beautiful girl!
It's never too late, you know.
You can always change your mind.
I'm available.
Just kidding.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
to join in holy matrimony...
Edward... and...
oh, dear.
Sylvia.
Sylvia, of course.
I knew a Sylvia once.
She... uh...
uh... no. She's dead.
That's not you.
Anyway, uh...
to join in holy matrimony...
Ed and Sylvia.
You don't mind if I call you Ed, do you?
You're doing splendidly!
Thank you.
I can't see!
I don't know where it is.
She had it just now! You're doing this on purpose.
I'll handle this.
Darling, where did you have it last?
It was on the pillow.
We can't wait forever!
Oh, dear, this does not bode well.
Does anyone...
have a ring?
Here.
I have one.
There's the chapel!
Oh, dear. I hate this part.
It is, after all, in the rule book.
If there be anyone here...
who knows of any reason,
any reason whatsoever...
It may not seem like an important detail to you,
but you never can tell in the immortal scheme of things.
One man's pie... and all that.
So, if there be any doubt,
any doubt at all,
we might as well...
lay it out on the table, right now,
why these two lovely people...
should not be joined in holy matrimony.
Speak now...
or forever hold your peace.
Anyone?
I think it's safe to continue.
Oh, wait!
Is that your hand up, back there?
Yes, you.
The lady in the back row.
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th from the left!
I'm sorry. It's your hat. Looked like your hand...
Can we please get on with this!
Where do they get these hats from?
Imagine, a piece of millinery...
almost kept you from getting married.
Hang on!
Good show!
Without further adieu,
with the power vested in me...
by Almighty God,
I now... pronounce you...
man and wife.
About bloody time!
You may kiss the bride.
Why aren't you inside? Is it too late?
Go on in. I'll explain later!
Come on, vicar!
Vicar!
Sylvia!
Don't marry him!
What are you doing?
- He got it! - What?
- He went to Pileforth. - I got the enrollment list.
- Mary's on it. - Not this again.
You shut up! Tell her, Elspeth.
It's true.
You lied to me.
This is not the time or place.
You lied to Mary. Peter was right.
I was going to tell you.
Tell her now.
I only did it out of concern for Mary.
On the road with a play is no place for a child.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to burden you...
while you were dealing with the wedding.
What I did was wrong,
terribly wrong, and I apologize.
What a crock!
You little shit!
That's it!
I'm getting out of here. Come along, Mary.
Sylvia, wait! Please!
Let me finish.
Marry me.
Marry you?
Why, Peter?
For Mary's sake?
Is that why you want me to marry you?
You don't have to do that now.
I'm going to New York. You can see Mary as much as you'd like.
It's not for Mary I'm doing this...
I'm doing it for me!
I love you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do. I love you.
I love the way you walk. I love the way you laugh.
I love the way you get nervous and bite your lower lip,
like you're doing now.
I love the way you love Mary.
I even love her liver mousse!
I love you.
If there were no Mary, if there were nothing else,
I'd still love you.
And I'd want to make Mary all over again with you.
Am I making a big enough fool of myself?
Yes.
I love you, too.
Lovely performance, Peter.
Forgive me for bringing up a sticky point, darling,
but we are married now.
Oh, God, he's right. We are.
I beg to differ with you, young man.
- Who are you? - Never mind.
The ceremony is not quite official yet.
Shut up, you old fool!
Did he call me an old fool?
Oh, I can't believe my ears!
Ooo, ooo!
Boy, that hurt!
Hold this for me, will you?
And you said I couldn't fool you!
Yeah, well...
Lousy actor, eh?
Constipated? Well, in your face, pal!
Here you go. Don't be frightened.
Here we go. Teeth.
Thank you.
Oh... Mom...
I've died and gone to hell.
Vicar, will you marry us?
Certainly.
Who are you?
By giving and receiving a ring and by joining hands,
I pronounce that they be man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride...
again.