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- Men in Black 3 (2012) - IMDB #1409024 - fps = 23.976 - Length = 1:37:50 - First line = 40,422 Last line = 1:37:43,751 - Created by DonToribio (Subscence.Com moniker) - Posted FIRST to Subscene June 13, 2012
Well, well, Boris the Animal has a visitor.
I guess one every 40 years is okay.
- It's a cake. - I decide what it is.
Looks like some kinda cake.
She's clean. Well, not "clean", but you know...
Oh, God!
- Boris the Animal, you've got a visitor. - It's just Boris.
Your letters have been a soul nourishing tonic.
And you are much more...
unconventionally handsome than your photos.
This ain't a conjugal visit! So, quit yur conjugatin'!
When was the last time you conjugated anything?
I see you brought me a treat, Darling.
Would you mind cutting this up for us, it's a special day.
I'm a Romantic, like that.
- Oh, I wouldn't do that. - Why's that?
It'll ruin your figure.
You complete me.
The Big One.
Boris, you promised to take me with you! We had a deal!
Obadiah Price. Yes. I did make you a promise.
Wait! I smell something.
- You can't win, Boris! - Let's agree to disagree.
- There's too many of us. - It's rather hot in here.
Mind if I open a window?
Sorry, Darling... we did love the cake.
Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?
Men in Black Three
Good afternoon. Please give your attention to my associate, Agent J.
He's going to demonstrate an electro-bio-mechanical-neural-
transmitting-zero-synapse-repositioner. We call it The Neuralizor.
- Keep it simple, Slick. - Thanks a lot.
Thank you, Agent K. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will, look right here.
Okay! You know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off?
And you, "Like, I ain't turnin' my cell phone off that don't have nothin' to do with no damn airplane!"
Well, there's what we did! That's what happens.
It gets up there, bounces around on the satellites, and BLAM!
Just turn your damn cell phone off! Now you gonna drive off a cliff
tonight because your GPS don't work.
Check the composition of the fuel units and run a scan on the surface deposits.
- I wanna know who was drivin' that thing. - Yes, Sir.
- So, what are you gonna say tonight? - Ah, don't worry.
- No, I'm very worried, this is important. - I'm hungry, are you hungry?
K!
Seriously, I'm not even sure that's meat! I think I just saw a tooth in that thing.
- Or a claw, or a hoof. - Thanks, Lenny.
That does not belong in a pita, it belongs in a casket!
You know what would go really good with this would be some Sygonks.
All right, see, here's the problem...
You can't smell it because your nose already smells like that but my nose doesn't.
Sygonks go good with a lot of things,
You ever try it or is talking the way you breathe?
If you hate me, you should just say you hate me, don't take it out on the car.
- Let me enjoy this. - Whoa! Enjoyment!
So that's what enjoyment looks like on that face. I like that emotion.
- I keep emotions out of it. - Out of what, K...
life?
Sure you don't want to run it by me? Let me know what you're gonna say tonight?
- Don't worry. - Oh, no! I'm worried! Very worried.
It's the man's eulogy, you're gonna have to show some feeling.
You know, that thing that human people do when they change the expression on their face?
I worked with Zed for 40 years, he was a helluva an agent, and I have written a helluva speech for him.
People will be moved.
And now, a few words from Agent K.
I worked with Zed for over 40 years and in all the that time he never invited me to dinner,
he never asked me to his house to watch a game,
he never shared a single detail of his personal life.
Real hard work.
Thank you.
And now we will hear from our new chief, Agent O.
Thank you, Agent K., that was very moving.
- That was your eulogy? - Yeah, he was a good man.
Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms...
when I told the Fenution Zyglot about Zed's passing,
she said something that I'm going to repeat,
and I'm paraphrasing,
That's just so Zed. Thank you.
- You lose somethin' over there, Hondo? - Can you promise me if I go first
you'll do better than that at my funeral?
Yeah, something like: J was a friend.
and now there’s a big part of me that's gone.
Oh! J! All the things I shoulda said,
'cept I was too old and craggy, surly, and just tight...
'cause I was too tight.
Now I'm gonna just miss your caramel brown skin.
I'll wing somethin'.
K, it's O, we have reports of several humans suffering from intestinal worms... of alien origin.
Thank you, O.
Vick, how'd you get to be like you? Seriously, somethin' happened, K, what happened?
You know how I live such a happy life.
How you live such a happy life?
I don't ask questions I don't wanna know the answer to.
That's deep.
- What, do I know you? - Your services are legendary.
- So says your father, Obadiah. - You were in LunarMax?
There is no prison that can hold me!
Cool for you, whatdaya need from me, Man?
The Device. I'm going back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm.
Woh, K, J! So happy to see you! Mr. Wu get you your legulal table!
- You no hungry? - Show us the tanks, Wu.
Oh, sure, sure! You look! Vely flesh!
Show us the tanks in the back.
So sorry, no speaky English. You come back later, okay?
Save the Chop Saki bullshit for tourists, Wu.
- Hey, whatdaya guys wanna bust my balls for, huh? - You don't have no balls, Wu.
Ooo, man, you look like you come from The Planet Damn.
And Bob here is a clear violation of Health Ordinance 32,
selling unlicensed, extraterrestrial... food stuffs.
That is an Earth fish. Very traditional in China.
You arrest me, that's a hate crime.
It would be if you were Chinese!
K, c'mon, I got larvae to feed!
- Who is this Spikey Bulba for Wu? - Nobody.
- Who's it for? - I keep 'em just in case!
- You can't talk? - I don't know... anybody!
He and I are having issues in our relationship right now,
but you shouldn't have to suffer for that.
Thanks, J.
So if you don't like gettin' fish-slapped, I'm gonna need you to keep to our agreements,
Earth people get Earth fish, real Earth fish.
On behalf of my pathetic self and worthless children, you stay!
Allow me most honorable benefit of serving you favorite noodles cake?
Don't know if I want none o' your nasty-ass-noodles, Wu.
You're a piece of shit, Wu.
Just wrap it and box it away, we're gonna be here a while.
There was just mean,
what you did to Wu back there.
Snatched his skirt off, that's just disrespectful.
I used to play a game with my dad: What'll-You-Have-For-Your-Last-Meal.
You could do worse than this.
Oh! Okay! Uh...
I used to play a game with my dad called "Catch".
'cept I would throw the ball and it would just hit the wall 'cause he wasn't there.
Don't bad-mouth your old man.
I'm not bad-mouthin' 'im, I just... I didn't really know 'im.
It's not right.
You're damn right it's not right! A little boy needs a father.
Table one hasn't ordered a thing.
And table three over there just drank his fourth cup of duck sauce.
K, the crashed ship from this morning was stolen from...
- LunarMax Prison, Boris the Animal. - How did you know...
He always had a taste for Spikey Bulba. Give us a minute, will ya, Chief.
We're in a situation.
Yeah.
I'll take the Cloropod, you take the Turanavi and the Hidronianul over there.
I'll take whatever's in the kitchen and meet you on the street.
This is a very confusing time in my life.
Keep your mouth closed! Keep your head down!
Hello, K.
- Boris the Animal. - It's just Boris.
You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Yes, my arm.
We thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.
Well, that's just not living a full life.
- I can promise you it will be longer than yours. - Lonelier, too.
- Since you're the last Bogladyte standing. - We'll see about that,
but first. I wanted the pleasure of killing you.
Yo, K!
- Where the hell you been? - Fishing!
You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.
Ya all right?
Could I have everyone’s attention, please!
Thank you. Okay. You know how your kid won the goldfish
in that little baggy from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing
in your house, so you told your kid it ran away,
but what your really did was flush it down the toilet?
Well, this what happens.
Okay? See what I'm talkin' 'bout? Don't lie to your kids!
Well, I'm gettin' too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.
Boris the Animal... put him away a long time ago. It's the worst mistake I ever made.
- Why? Was he innocent? - Shoulda killed 'im.
- Well, shoots, let's go get him. - No!
- No? - Leave it alone, it's above your pay grade.
- We're partners, we have the same pay grade. - It has nothing to do with you!
Mind your own business!
Okay, first of all, let's get a little bit dat bass outchyour voice and secondly,
as long as SpikeyBoy is runnin' around town, this is my whole business.
You will forget about Boris. or my report will reflect that your conduct has been unbecoming.
Well, maybe my report is gonna reflect some shit, too, okay?
- You are suspended for two weeks. - Bullshit!
Four... weeks.
How about I quit?
There are things out there you do not need to know.
That's not lie you told me when you recruited me!
- Whatup, Pops? - Ya lose your partner?
- Search: Boris the Animal. - Boris the Animal. Bogladyte assassin.
Bogladytes were a rogue alien race that consumed all planets in their path.
Boris the Animal was the only suspect in a series of alien murders
committed on Earth.
Incident report!
Boris the Animal was convicted for the following murders that occurred on July 15th 1969
Murder number 1: Coney Island, 10:37 a.m. Roman the Fabulist.
- Murder number 2: The Factory. - Refine search!
Agent K
Junior Agent K apprehended and arrested Boris the Animal
on July 16th 1969 at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
Cape Canaveral.
Agent K received
highest commendation heroic action,
including implementation of the ArcNet Defense System,
which protected the Earth from a Bogladyte invasion,
and led to the races' extinction.
Details!
Access restricted.
Excuse me!?!
Clearance level: Senior Agent, Class One J.
Access denied.
What?
Why this sudden interest in your partner's old exploits, hmm?
What happened between Boris and K?
That's easy. K imprisoned Boris, he put up the ArcNet, he protected the Earth from the Bogladytes...
he did his job.
Ya know that's not what I'm askin' ya.
Cape Canaveral, what happened?
Something that changed him.
Leave it with that.
So you two go way back, huh?
That's classified.
A word of advice, Agent J, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
That's funny, that is exactly what K said.
He's a very wise man.
Take the rest of the night off.
- What? - Guess I owe you some answers, Hoss.
I don't want you feelin' chatty all of a sudden! Sorry, I can't talk right now,
I got some secret cases of my own I'm workin' on.
I hate to tear you away from your video game.
All right, I'm hangin' up.
You know the most destructive force in the universe?
Sugar?
Regret.
You don't have to wait... just talk.
I promised you of the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
So what, are some secrets out there that the universe don't know about?
Can I help you?
K?
5K.
I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk? Can I...
I'm so sorry, I don't know what...
Mommy, look what! The President's drinking my milk.
I'm sorry.
He didn't say, "Please."
- K get in yet? - Who?
- Are you new? - Very funny, Agent J.
J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain.
Thank God for that 10 hours stake-out.
And who are you?
Exactly. I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted.
I mean, I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself.
- And my step-mom. - Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
It's like I close this emotional window.
But yesterday I threw a brick right through that window
and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.
Okay, whoever you are, I need you to give me five feet, or I'm gonna pluck you in your throat.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the Little-Mens-In-Blacks-Room.
and then we'll go find those morons from Poxlythera. Lunch is on me.
- Who was that? - Double A, your partner.
I'm gonna need you to go get me some chocolate milk, all right, just... a really big glass.
And have you seen K? Did he call in sick or anything?
Who's K?
All right, all right.
!!! K !!!
All right! You got me!
I'll give it to you, it's funny, very elaborate. Oh, and all of you, fantastic performances.
Can't believe you waited 14 years to develop a sense of humor,
but this is a good one,
but K, I need you to come out here now, 'cause I'm really starting to get a little pissed-off.
Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down! And telling me it is who you are looking for!
- I'm looking for K! - Who is K?
- You , too!?! You, too!?! - I mean who is he to you?
My partner... older gentleman.
100 and 10, maybe 100 and 11 years old. Sort of a surly Elvis thing happenin' with him.
He smiles... like this... seen him around?
- I'll take you to K. - Thank you!
What is that supposed to be?
That's K. He's been dead for over 40 years.
Ya know, okay, see, the prerequisite for a joke is that it be funny.
It's never been funny.
Computer: Agent K and Boris the Animal.
Men in Black Incident Report July 16, 1969.
Location: Cape Canaveral
Perpetrator Boris the Animal escaped and fled Earth.
Assumed to have returned to Home Planet Bogladocia 20 light years away.
Agent K pronounced dead at scene and awarded posthumously commendation
for meritorious action which prevented greater loss of human life.
That's not what happened.
I just looked at this report. K put Boris away...
Agent K is dead.
- Well, I just talked to him last night! - You are imagining things!
I'm not imagining anything.
- I need a psych team up here right now. - Yes, Ma'am!
Aqua Velva Aftershave. I didn't imagined that.
For every stake-out endless hours of cowboy music.
Or every morning with his coffee, and he'd say "I'll tell ya something, Slick,"
"this coffee tastes like dirt! "
And I was supposed to say: "Whadaya expect?
It was just ground this morning "
How do you know that?
Chocolate milk, Sir!
Where ya been, Man? It's like a hour ago.
Wait! How long have you been craving chocolatized dairy products?
Just from today.
Are you experiencing headaches, dizziness, loss of balance?
- Agitation, depression? - Hell, yeah!
There are only two possibilities.
One is that's you've been bitten
by the Horwathian Brain Tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment.
Damn it! It's not the Tick.
"Damn it, it not the Tick"?!?!
There's something worse than the Tick?
Your obsession with chocolate milk indicates that you might be involved in some sort of a temporal fracture.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Chocolate milk relieves temporal fracture headache.
- What's a temporal fracture? - A break in the time line.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Time travel! Time travel!
There's no such thing as time travel.
- Well, there is! - No, there's not!
Because, if there were,
a Class One Senior Agent, such as myself, would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?!?
Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
You know what? I need a raise.
There was one man, a scumbag, Obadiah Price. He figured out we busted him,
we made time travel illegal throughout the Universe,
and he is serving life on LunarMax.
That's where Boris was locked up!
If Boris could work-out how to time-jump
he... he could seriously change the course of history.
Attention! Early Warning System engaged! Inbound hostile warship entering Solar System.
Bogladyte markings and language detected.
Bogladyte. Boris is a Bogladyte, but they're extinct!
- Apparently not. - Catastrophic Earth attack imminent.
- Put up the ArcNet! - The what?
The ArcNet, the defense system, K got it specifically for the Bogladytes.
There is no K! He's been dead for over 40 years.
No K. No defense system. Boris jumped back and killed him.
If you want to save the world, you're gonna have to stop THAT from happening.
You have to find Jeffrey Price, he's Obadiah's son.
Hope the little squirt hasn't skipped town.
Good luck, J. This planet's gone.
Hi, How can I help you? We're having an amazing sale on batteries.
Whoa! Okay, we got other stuff like headphones, adapters, or...
Did you helped Boris the Animal time-jump?
Whoa, whoa! Okay, I had to! That dude's a freak!
He killed my partner! I want to know when and where you sent him!
What? You think I keep like a log book?
- Target vector: July 16, 1969. - All right, all right!
That's a real bummer, about your buddy, I'm sure he was like a real great guy,
but in terms of the whole space-time continuum your friend was like a little blip on the historical radar.
Oh, that's a big blip.
- Okay, what's the plan? - You're gonna send me back to July 15, 1969.
No! That's a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16.
I'm not worried about that one, I'm going back and kill the younger Boris
before the older one even shows up.
That way neither of them will even exist!
That's why you get to wear the black suit. No? You gonna leave me hangin'?
Ok! Oh! I just thought of something! Ya know, even way back then New York was like a big... ish city.
- So, how are you really gonna find him? - On July 15 Boris killed an alien
Roman the Fabulist at Coney Island.
And you're gonna get there first and be waiting for him?
- Dude! They should give you like two black suits. - My Man, for real?
Oh! Right! Sorry!
This is the Real Deal, time-jump gear, very rare, very old.
But first we gotta get high.
- No! - No, no, I mean really high.
Hey.. Man... a little help... here.
Thank you. Okay.
- You know the rules of time-jumps, right? - Give me the short version.
Okay, if you wanna save your partner, word of advice, stay away from him.
Yeah, got it, stay away from K just kill Boris.
Now, take these 'cause it get's pretty windy on the way down.
The way down?
And with your eyes tearing up it's hard to read the time dial.
Plus, it helps you look like a real time traveler, which is cool.
I'm not jumpin' off of this building!
Time JUMP!
Okay, now I gotta set this thing to the 15th.
Uh, that seems right... ish.
Now all ya gotta do... is jump.
Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop it!
Now, as soon as you're moving fast enough, that circle's gonna fill-up with some sort of
green time travel liquid or somesuch and it's gonna glow really bright.
As soon as that happens, you need to break that
blue laser line with your thumb to complete the circuit.
At this height that should be, uh... let's see...
mass of Earth at thirty-something feet per minute, uh...
That's 32 feet per second per second.
That sound right... ish.
So that would be, uh, I guess... about 2 feet off the ground.
- Yeah, break the laser line? - No! Don't break it!
- No, I mean when I'm fast enough. - Sounds good!
Boy, do I break the laser line or do I NOT break the laser line?
Do not lose that time device, or you will be stuck in 1969.
Wasn't the best time for your people.
- I'm just sayin', it's like a lot cooler now. - How will I know if it works?
You'll either know... or you won't.
You must really love this guy to do this.
Oh, wait! How come I remember K but nobody else does?
- Whoa! That means you were there! - I was where?
If you survive you gotta come back and tell me everything, okay?
Where was I?
You gotta go! Go! Go! Go!
Move!
- My Man, what's today? - Tuesday!
- The date? - The 15th.
- Of? - July?
- Dawg, the year? - 1969.
Thank you. You look at me like I'm crazy.
- Get us checked in! - Yeah Yeah!
Hey! Hey! Do me a favor, all right? Just be careful with the luggage!
Absolutely, Sir.
Paid a lot of money for that luggage.
We'll take very good care of...
Because last time I was here it got scuffed-up and I had to replace it.
Here ya go, Sir. Just call down when you need it.
- There's more luggage in the trunk. - Uh, uh, yeah, it'll be in your room, Sir.
Just... go ahead.
Excuse me! Who was that? Who you are?
Let's go!
- Far out, Man! - If you want to keep that,
- I wouldn't. - Make your love, not war!
I prefer to do both.
How are you officers, what can I do you for?
Well, look at this, power windows, power seats.
- I betcha the thing cost six grand, Man. - Yes! And it has a roof, but it's hidden.
Hey! What kind of a work do you do? An individual of your particular...
ethnic persuasion?
Maybe he's a noted athlete.
Yes! Uh... starting forward for the Detroit Darkies.
- Where did you get the car? - And the suit?
I stole them both. Uh, car from your wife, suit from your grandmother.
Hey!!
- What do we have here, a concealed weapon? - Hey! It's his grandmother's suit!
- Hey, what's this? - Probably drugs.
Listen, I have rights and I demand to see my lawyer before you
press that small button on the side firmly
Press it!
That, gentlemen, is a standard issue neuralizor... but you're not gonna remember that.
And just because you see a black man drivin' in a nice car, does not mean it's stolen!
I stole that one, but not 'cause I'm black!
I'll be done with the car in a just a minute.
He prefers that he take it back to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel.
- Where is the Arcanan? - You are too late!
He is going to give the humans the ArcNet.
Let's agree to disagree.
- We'll take it from here! - K? K! K!
Dad! I'm on Earth. I need bail.
You need to turn electricity down on that damned thing...
can't taste my frickin' tongue, K.
How did you know my name?
What, 'cause I called you K? Naw, I call everybody K, it's kinda my... my thing.
What up, K?
All right, I sorta... K! Plus... it's... it's kinda my thing.
I just... uh... some people like it... most people.
Now I know what you look like when you're lyin'.
why don't you show me what you look like when you're tellin' the truth.
I won those at Coney Island on the Ring Toss.
I won a stuffed bear once but never one of these... must be good, Slick.
All right... Sir, I was mindin' my own business,
I was out there waitin' for my girl, who, by the way, is probably worried sick lookin' for me, right now,
So, I... I... I just... I... I need my things and I need to get back to her.
- What's your gal's name? - Huh?
Your gal, what's her name?
...Schteron.
Schteron?
Bet Schteron likes that suit of yours, hmm?
Why, is it a crime to wear a black suit?
All right, listen, I haven't done anything wrong and I need to get outta here.
Sir! I cannot be here with you.
Terribly sorry, X is frightfully upset about the whole Coney Island incident.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Oh, man, this coffee tastes like dirt!
What do you expect, it was ground...
ground this morning!
O?
Naw, I call ladies O.
For me O is feminine, K is masculine.
Ya, know, I see a couple, I'm like O-K.
- What a mess! Any casualties? - Yes. Roman the Fabulist.
- Any HUMAN casualties? - No, Sir!
Who the hell is this?
- Look, I was... - Stray human, he was caught in the net.
Code 43 him and throw him back.
Sir, you're going to be late for your meeting with Viagrans, they have a revolutionary new pill.
It's really...
Okay, Slick...
- I was waitin' for my girl. - Schteron?
Yes, she's Greek.
Okay, just one last thing, an eye exam.
That's not eye exam, K, that's a big damn Neuralizor.
You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.
I... I see what you sayin'. Whoa! uh, hey, you know what, K, we need to... hold up a second! K!
- Let's just get this bite-card in here. - Hey! Back up! Back up!
K, listen. I think we got off on the wrong foot, a'ight, so let's just stop for a second and talk.
Don't put me in here, K.
- Laid off! - K, no, listen to me, I can help you with this case.
!!! K !!!
- I'm doin' the Truth Face, you're missin' it! - Naw, I'll just use my imagination.
Hey, the killer you're lookin' for, I messed with the same guy, he's a Bogladyte, his name is Boris.
Ship has sailed, Amigo.
- K, if don't get 'im now there're be two of 'em. - You have my undivided attention.
One goin' have one arm, one goin' have two.
K, listen to me! If you erase me you erase the whole world.
15 seconds to neuralization.
14, 13, 12
11, 10, 9
When you see Boris tomorrow, K, kill 'im!
Do not arrest him, kill him!
Is this thing off? Hey, I don't think it's all the way off, K.
It's whirrin', it's buzzin'.
I don't know if I don't know nothin'.
I knew Roman, his wife cooked me dinner once, and while it was not pleasant, he was my friend.
Last chance, who are you and what do you know?
I'm a agent o' Men in Black but I'm from the future, we're partners.
25 years from now you're gonna recruit me
and 14 years after that, the guy you didn't let me kill today at Coney Island
he escapes from prison and jumps back in the past
and unleashes a full scale invasion of Earth.
We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so if we're leavin', we have to go right now.
All right.
So that's the story you believe?
That one was the truth. It wasn't the whole truth, but I guess it'll do for now.
What the hell you talkin' about, of course it's the whole truth.
I told you everything. The problem with a lie is once you start lyin' you put yourself...
- Agent K! What's he still doing here? - Oh, I mighta cooked him for too long
thought I'd better walk 'im out.
I put my pants on.
Okay, Futureman, where to?
- I don't know!? - What do you mean you don't know?
I do not know, go wherever you went last time.
I haven't been here "last time", I didn't tell you where I went.
No, I mean, we don't really talk.
What kind of partners sit in a car all day, every day for 14 years and don't talk?
Exactly! And this is the type of problem it causes... dysfunctional.
All right, Sport, you better get useful real quick or goin' back in room 43.
Man!
Uh, uh, there was something in the file about a factory.
Something happened at a factory.
Hey, look, Man, you can put your Jedi Knight on me all you want, that's all I got.
- That spark somethin'? - Roman had this on his person when he was murdered.
- It's a matchbook. - No.
It's a clue... he didn't smoke.
- Did you lose somethin' over here, Hondo? - No!
Hey, Man, hey, how old are you?
- 29. - You have some city-miles on you.
I'm startin' to understand why we don't talk.
- How well you know this place? - I know its reputation.
I don't like it, I hate goin' in blind, and I'm gonna need my gun.
- Sure thing, Slick! - Whoa! K!
Wait! No! I gotta go in with you.
- You just sit tough, I'll be fine. - Wait! No! No!
K! K! Don't go in by yourself!
Hiya, Fellas!
- Need to see the Boss. - He's busy!
All right, well, I'm just gonna take a look around.
- Looks like what we have ourselves a stand-off. - Looks that way.
Still keep the key under the ashtray.
Lucky guess.
- Now, where were we? - I was just about to tell you to screw off.
- Hey, Slick, you bowl in the future? - Absolutely, MIB League champ three years runnin'.
Oh... let's see it.
Oooh! You do not just walk into my establishment and rip my head off?
My Man, look, we don't have a lot of time for this, you really need to tell him somethin'!
- I'll tell him this! - All right, your head.
Wait! Hey! If you do this
I am gonna hunt you down and I will make sure that you walk funny for...
Touchdown, Slick!
You messed with the wrong head.
- His head is a little... - You gonna tell us where Dom is?
Kill you both! I swear I'll kill both of you!
Ow!
Think your hook's a little off, want me to clean 'er.
Oh, yeah, sure thing!
Oh! No! No! No! Aw, c'mon, I was just cleanin' the bathroom with this thing.
Please, no cleaning, no cleaning, no cleaning, okay!
Okay already! All right, he's in the back, but he's not gonna
talk to any Men in Black scum like you! Now give me back my head!
K, I call this one Low Penny Fruit.
That ain't a finger hole, you sick bastard!
I'm gonna kill both of you! I'm gonna kill the both of you...
- Well, we're on the right track. - It's the wrong train.
If he had any secrets, I guess he spilled them.
Smart man would figure out what your victims have in common.
A smart man would.
That's a big-ass phone.
- Don't put that up to your head. - Agent O
How's your day been, Agent K?
Oh, fair to middlin', how things goin' with you?
Very good, thank you!
Hey! You saw her about a hour ago.
I need cleanup and containment at Cosmic Lanes. Now, listen, I got a dead Parlaxian.
Now, Roman was a Bivoid.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but from the same planetary groupin'?
Yes, the Three Planet System in the Triangulan Galaxy
wiped-out by the Bogladytes.
- And that third planet, wasn't it... - Glamoria.
Glamoria.
Thank you, Miss O.
I know where Boris is headed to next. You were close, Slick.
It's not a factory, it's The Factory.
All right, look, if Boris turns out to be in here, I'm gonna kill him, I need my gun.
No deal.
I've been an agent for 14 years, which means that I am the senior agent on this case.
Now, I hate to pull rank, but as senior agent I am instructing my junior agent,
that's you, to give me my gun right now, that's an order.
No. no, no! Space Gun!
You're welcome.
I didn't say, "Thank you".
For such an ungainly species, they really thrived here on Earth.
Yeah, I was an Agent for three years before I realized all models were aliens.
I found out the hard way.
- Password. - Hey, look, Funky Sixties Dude,
- we don’t have a lot of time to... - Janice Chaplin!
Anybody here who's NOT an alien?
Very nice. Wait. That's perfect. Look at the camera.
Is that Andy Warhol?
Yep.
Excuse me, Mr. Warhol, can we have a minute?
Now is not a good time, this is a Be-In.
Just a few questions.
No questions, no answers... just be!
We have an urgent matter we'd like to discuss with you regarding one of your party guests.
Why don't you come back next week after the Happening has happened.
I'm sorry, Mr. Warhol, you like talkin' really slow, we got important stuff to do.
And I got a planet to save.
You're distressing, everything about you upsets me.
Aw, damn it, K! What, you tryin' to blow my cover?
- Agent W, your cover is safe! - Whoa! Andy Warhol is one of us?
"Safe", you outta your mind? I'm short of ideas on
painting soup cans and bananas, for Chrissakes!
Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta tell you, I really love your work.
Oh, oh, thank you. Who's the dumb ass?
Whoa! Hey! How about a little professional courtesy here?
- What's that Dumb Ass? - Say it again.
- You want me to? - I dare you.
- Dumb Ass. - Agents.
You know, I don't have no problem with pimp slappin' the shiznit outta Andy Warhol.
What?
Why you lookin' at me?
Oh, all right, you know what, Agent K, why don't you see what information you can get from Agent W
and I'll go to case the perimeter. Does that work for everybody?
- Go do that! -All right, how about that?
- Oh, cute. - Okay? - Very nice.
Someone forget his nap...huh?
- Hey! How you doin'? - Chillin'.
Who's that guy? Okay, don't tell me he's your new partner.
Actually he's my old partner, he traveled back from the future to save the planet.
Jesus! Stop! Don't tell me, I don't want to know.
Andy! Yoko's here.
All right, tell her that I'm filming this man eating a hamburger.
It's transcendent. All right, now, the pickle.
So, what are you doing on my turf, K?
Trackin', a killer, Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, a Glamorian.
Glamorian? Right solar system, wrong planet. I think he's gotta be after the Arcanan.
- No, Arcanans are extinct. - Well, apparently they're not.
One washed ashore last week. the whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it.
Alien unicorn, the last of the species. His name is Griffin.
Griffin the Arcanan.
How's it going?
Going? How's it going? Well that depends. For me
personally it's good, things are good. Unless, of course, we're
the Possible Future where the muscle-boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend
which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the
stuffed mushrooms and then dumps the pan that into sailors on leave
and a shoving match breaks and they crash into the coffee table here
in which case, I gotta move my plate right now.
Or if it's the Possible Future in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress.
But, thankfully, your friend, Sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket.
So, good, I'll be good.
Except in the case the Possible Future where I have to leave in 2 and a half minutes,
just before he has a chance to offer me the antacid, so,
on the whole, I'd have to say, not good, I am not good.
But that depends.
K.
- Now, how we gonna find this guy? - What am I, a schmuck?
What, he's here?
Well, "here" is a relative term.
He's a fifth dimensional being but he can live in
and visualize an infinite set of time-space probabilities simultaneously.
- All right, sound like fun. Good work. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, K, K, K.
Ya gotta fake my death. Okay. I can't listen to sitar music anymore.
- I'll see what I can do, I'll talk to X. - K, I can't tell the women from the men!
- May I see your watch? - Oh, it is 7:18.
No, no, no, your other watch! The one your father gave you.
How do you know about my father's watch?
Oh, dear!
This is the one where Roman is dead, and the gentleman at the bowling alley...
so much death.
Such an infinitesimally small chance for success.
- K! - Griffin, right? Hey! We're here because of...
- Boris the Animal. - Correct! We believe he may be coming...
to kill me! Yes! He'll be here in less than two minutes,
unless, of course, we're in the Possible Future,
where he made all the green lights on Bowery, and got here early and is just about to discharge
a weapon from the doorway, in which case we're all dead in two seconds.
- Ach! Good! That was a close one. - All right, K, I need a Space Gun.
The Bogladytes consume any planet in their path,
Mine, Roman's, the Parlaxians, I tried to stop them, but
if we can stop them here, if we can deny them Earth, we can stop them forever,
they'll starve before they reach the next planet!
- 63 seconds! - How do we do that... stop 'em?
What? Oh!
Sorry, I have something for you. A gift. It can protect you.
I had to hide it from Boris, but if I find me again... I'll give it to you.
Thank you. What a game! Amazing! It's a real miracle!
- Whoa! Whoa! What do you mean? Wha... what miracle? - What, 30 seconds, I have to go!
- Wait! No, no, no! We gotcha! - Negative Possibilities are multiplying
as we speak! 20 seconds!
All right... just... we... we got it, I'll take it out front...
If your watch is broken and I have an gastric distress...
Find your place in the world...
Oh, dear!
This is the one where Boris is comin' through that door in 12, 11, 10...
Wait! Did you have chocolate milk this morning?
- Yes! - Cindy.
- K! Boyfriend! - Go 'im!
Damn it!
- I'm good! I'm good! Whatchya got? - Nada.
- Damn it! We had 'im! - Relax, Cochise, we'll find 'im!
First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not Son, it's not Slick, and it damn sure ain't no Cochise.
I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're runnin' out of time,
we're runnin' out of clues, and there's invasion comin'!
You not really recognizin' my voicial intensity!
Oh! But there was one guy, and he can help. Where... hey, Griffin!
Griffin! Where's Griffin! Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone!
If Boris get to him before we do, that's no bueno!
- We need pie. - What?
My grandaddy always said if you got a problem that can't solve,
helps to get it outta your head. Pie. It's good.
- Pie? - Yep.
- Your grandaddy, heavyset man? - Little bit.
You know what? We been doin' smart stuff, we've been followin' clues,
doin' real police work, it might be time we do somethin' stupid.
Somethin' that ain't got nuttin' to do with nuttin'! Ah, you know what,
now I want some pie, K! I want some pie, let's go get some Dumbass Pie!
Sounds good.
- You have any specials? - My associate will have the same thing
he always has after he looks at the menu for 10 minutes and asks about the specials twice,
he's gonna have a slice of apple pie with a nasty piece of cheddar.
I'm gonna have the strawberry rhubarb, since it's my last meal, I'm gonna splurge a little bit.
World class serial killer out there and we're havin' pie.
Whadaya do in your spare time, Stretch?
See, I sense you're not embracin' the concept here,
pie don't work unless you let it.
I'm gonna let it.
And you say we don't talk, right? You go 'head! Ask me any question, anything you want,
as long as it doesn't have to do with the case, just let 'er rip!
What's up with you and O?
- Me and O? - Yeah, you and O.
All right, all right. All right, this is it,
A while back I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger,
he was in this British band, Rolling Stones.
Rings a bell.
We believed he was on the planet to breed with Earth women,
and, so, I was in London and that's when I met O.
Smart, funny, great smile,
and we find ourselves in this pub, which is a bar, all right, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate.
We just played darts... 'til the sun came up.
Neither of us wanted to leave.
What the hell happened to you, man?
I don't know, it hasn't happened yet.
No, what about you, Slick? In the future, you got yourself a girl?
I got you.
I cannot believe this, frickin' New York Mets! Total losers!
It's a rough time to be a Mets fan.
Tell me about it, never gonna catch the Cubs.
Funny, the Mets actually win it all this year.
- Oh, yeah. - No, I'm serious.
I'm sure.
Hey, look, three months from now, your buddies down there gonna be callin' 'em the
"Amazing Mets" and the "Miracle Mets".
What?
Whatchya got there, Hoss?
The Arcanan said: "It's amazing, it's a miracle, I'll see you at the Game."
- I know where he is. - Told you to trust the pie.
If Griffin's here for a game he's either too early or too late.
He's here, just gotta find 'im before Boris does.
It's time to give your things back, Partner.
Aw, see, you get some pie in ya and you get all mooshy.
Just tired of carryin' all your stuff.
...go, c'mon, c'mon now, all right. Let's go, Mets! Let's go, Mets! Let's go, Mets!
- Let's go, Mets! - Griffin.
Who? You're just in time, unless this is the one where Robinson
bad-hops it past third, it's almost over.
- We missin' somethin'? - The Game.
- This is how you see things, this is amazing. - It's a gigantic pain in the ass.
But it has its moments.
This Game doesn't happen 'til October.
It's always October, November, March.
So many futures, and they're all real,
just don't know which one will coalesce, until then, they're all happening,
like this one, it's my Favorite Moment in Human History.
All things that had to converge
for the Mets to win the World Series, they were in last place
every single seasons until they won it all.
- You said you had a gift for us. - That baseball, for instance,
thrown for the last out of game five manufactured in 1962
by the Spalding Factory of Chicopee, Massachusetts
was aerodynamically flawed
due to the horse hide being improperly tanned,
because Sheila, the tanner's wife, left him for a Puerto Rican golf pro that Sunday.
- Gift? - Oh, oh, oh, yes, of course, in the box.
It... it... it's the surprise, to protect the Earth, it's the shield.
Shield... Arcanan... ArcNet, that what you did, you put up the ArcNet.
How did I do that?
When the ball is pitched to Davey Johnson, who only became a baseball player
because his father couldn't find
a football to give him for his 8th birthday...
it hits his bat two micrometers too high causing him to pop-out to Cleon Jones, who woulda been born Clara,
a statistical typist, if your parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.
The miracle is what seems impossible, but happens anyway.
I lost my planet.
I don't want you to lose yours.
It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off,
you'll be my new Favorite Moment in Human History.
Oh, dear.
I forgot to see this one coming.
Damn.
- You have these in the future? - No!
Get on!
Keep gyro settings to zero gain, balance-pitch, and yaw with short bursts on the
center stop between 80 and 100 PSI.
I didn't understand any of that.
- Gyro is zero gain! - It is!
Pitch and yaw with short bursts on the center stop.
I did it.
Between 80 and 100 PSI.
Got it.
The ArcNet, give it to me!
I do not think is the one where you get it now.
- You all right there, Chief? - Hell yeah! It'd be better with four wheels.
Two is like my minimum!
What happens if Boris gets the ArcNet?
Bogladyte invasion, total destruction of Earth.
The box.
Good boy.
You gotta stop this guy.
I've been tryin', you haven't been tryin'?
Hey, Slick, in the future we ever do the "Texas Two Step"?
Yes, Sir.
- Did you get 'im? - Give me a sec.
- Is he dead? - Negative.
He got away.
Well, I got Griffin, let's get outta here.
I feel younger already.
July 16, 1969, 3:06
You pathetic waste of Bogladyte flesh.
I'd kill you right now if didn't value my own life.
Who are you?
Look at you. Every mistake I've ever made,
- just waiting to happen. - What happened to my arm?
- You lose it, shot off by a human. - No human can defeat me.
You spend the next 40 years in prison,
chained-up like an animal.
- No prison can hold me. - They built one especially for us...
on the moon.
No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already.
Stop arguing, you can avoid all of this if you just listen to me.
You were defeated, you let it get shot off, that wasn't me, that was you.
- What's your plan? - Prevent the ArcNet from being deployed,
- kill anyone who tries. - Good plan, didn't work.
With my help we'll get the ArcNet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful,
and we'll get to keep both of our arms.
Stop staring at it!
Listen.
- You all right? - Oh, thank you for saving my life.
It's what we do.
You still have the ArcNet?
When you're being hunted by Boris the Animal, you get good at hiding things.
This will save your world.
Once it's outside the atmosphere it gets a whole lot bigger.
All you have to do is to play it.
You mean in space? Well, how to you suppose we do that?
Ah, it's just one small step.
MOON LAUNCH TODAY
Moon launch.
Cape Canaveral!
July 16, 1969.
We got 6 hours t'get to Florida.
- Better get a move-on, Slick! - Wait! Hold up!
Not us, I'm gonna do this one alone.
No, he has to be the one that...
What do you mean "alone."?
Means I'm gonna go to Florida, you gonna stay here,
and I need you to trust me on this one.
Trust you? I don't think so. Something you not tellin' me, Slick?
- I'm tellin' you that you're not goin' to Florida. - Well, that ain't gonna happen, Partner.
But, K, please... I will not allow you to go to Florida.
Stop me.
You die there!
Cape Canaveral, Apollo launch!
Boris kills you there.
That's what I'm here for, that's what I came back to stop.
Oh, dear, we're in this one.
K, I saw the file, I looked at the report,
now I know I said I've told you everything, but you gotta...
- That's for lyin' to me. - Look, I'm sorry, Man!
And that's for tellin' me the truth.
Trying to protect you... Man!
The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie.
He has to go to Cape Canaveral.
He must deploy the ArcNet as he did before.
There's no other way.
K is the only hope in saving Earth.
Can I save him? Is there any Future where I save his life?
Yes,
but where there is death, there will always be death.
Accordin' to you I've already done this before, so we know it's possible.
If you're half the agent you say you are, you'll make sure I don't get killed doin' it.
So, Partners, you tell me!
Let's go.
- Agent K, how are you? - I'm good!
Okay, group hug on the way to... to what we're doin'.
...morning, man is about to launch himself on a trip to the Moon,
with the expectation of landing there.
Look, I gotta ask you, if we pull this off, fix things the way they were,
O and I, are we...
A wise man once told me: "Do not ask questions you don't wanna know the answer to."
- I said that, didn't I? - Yes, Sir.
- Here they are. - What are they?
- JetPacks! - JetPacks?
We're... we... we're not doin' JetPacks, there's a reason we don't have these things in the future.
K, we gotta drive!
Can't drive to Florida from Manhattan in 5 hours, Chief!
Yeah, yeah, we can! The... the Red Button, standard issue in every MIB car,
you press the Red Button, goes into HyperDrive.
No Red Buttons yet, Slick!
Come on, Man!
Do you even know how to work this stupid thing?
Like with anything, just have t'strap yourself in and hope for the best.
- Isn't that right, Miss O? - Unfortunately it is.
- You ready, Slick? - Let's get it!
This is gonna be interesting.
I'm glad this isn't one of the times we explode.
One of the times?
Oh, we got company.
What the hell!?
Is that a battery belt?
All right, I got it!
No, any reality that gets the Shield deployed,
is one where you tell the truth.
- The truth? - The truth is the only path.
This is a restricted area!
Yes, Sir, it is.
Good day, Gentlemen. Great day for America, isn't it?
My name is Agent J, this is Agent K, that's Griff.
We're from a secret government organization that polices and monitors
alien activity on and off of Planet Earth.
All right, now, here's the thing, see, we have this special little metal thingy
that Griff gave us that we have t'get on top of that rocket,
to prevent an alien invasion.
- That worked. - Like a charm!
Sir, Delta gate, we might have a problem. Three trespassers,
no I'D.s but they got weapons, Sir... the kind I've ever seen before.
What breed of Dammed Fool do you have to be try to penetrate my launch site
on the day of the most massive feat ever attempted by Mankind,
watched by God, the population of the entire Planet, my own first born?
Colonel! Colonel, they had these.
They said they need to put somethin' on the rocket for an invasion.
- Thank you. - I got 10 minutes to launch.
If you pose threat to that rocket, you tell me now,
and do not lie to me!
I told the truth last time.
Sir, this man came here from the future to protect me
so I can attach a shield to the top of that rocket and save the world.
Need your help t'do that!
- Take him to the brig! - You're slippin', Griff!
Sir, if I may...
Corporal, your men are no longer needed. I'll take the prisoners.
- Sir, you... - Dismissed!
Follow me.
Hey, you did the Future thing on him, whatchya show him?
Only what he needed to see. I... I... I have to go now!
- What? No, no, no, c'mon! - No! You don't need me anymore.
All right, Griff, don't start flippin' on me, I need you to...
When Boris's arm is taken, the past will be as it was, K will survive,
he will not know you were ever here.
All right, all right, I'm gone, got it, like a reset?
When that happens, go home, leave!
- Hey, Slick, you comin'? - Yo! Yeah!
- Thanks, Man! Hey, will I ever see you again? - Anything's possible.
Griff!
I can never bear to watch this part.
Armstrong and Aldrin are scheduled to set foot on the Moon on early Monday morning,
Eastern Daylight Time.
- Where's Griffin? - Doin' his own thing.
Gentlemen!
This elevator will take you to the top. To get the ArcNet outside the atmosphere
you need to strap it to the escape rocket above the capsule.
You do not want to be anywhere near this rocket when it takes off.
- Questions? - No, thank you for this, Colonel.
- Some job ya got there. - Thanks, thanks a lot, Bro.
- What did Griff show you back there? - He showed me how important you are.
You and your partner.
Hey, look, if everything goes right the way we hope it does,
I'm gonna probably end up havin' to get outta pretty quick,
so I'm not gonna have a chance to say our proper good-byes.
If things go wrong, you're not gonna have a chance to, either.
I guess win or lose this is it.
I see why I recruited you.
You a good man.
Good man.
- Man, what the hell happened to you? - Told ya, it still hasn't happened yet.
I'll take this one!
Naughty!
You might want to get a pedicure if you get a second.
...and lift off.
...just past the 2 minute mark in the countdown, and all is still go.
...monitor our status board.
Astronauts report it feels good, power transfer is complete,
Neil Armstrong just reported back it's been a real smooth countdown.
Hey, Boris, could you give me a hand? Hey!!
Dawg! You hear me callin' you?
Boris the Animal! Hey, Boris the Animal!
It's just Boris!
- You're gonna lose! - Let's agree to disagree.
Heeey!!! Boris the Animal!
July 16, 1969, 9:30
July 16, 1969, 9:31
July 16, 1969, 9:30
- You're gonna lose! - Let's agree to disagree.
Hey! Boris the Animal!
- That's not possible! - Let's agree to disagree.
That's not possible!
K!
I win! I'm better than me!
That's my partner!
That's my partner!!
- If we call this in, they'll scrub the launch. - I didn't see anything.
- Where's your partner? - He's fine, he went home!
- How's that work? - Got me!
Come on!
Get down!
- Bingo! - Man, that is some next-level stuff.
If you ever want t'see more, I know a top-secret organization that can
- use a man like you. - I wish I could.
- Thank you. - See ya 'round, K!
Look out!!
Go ahead, arrest me!
Not this time.
"Where there's death, there will always be death."
Daddy, daddy!
Hey! Hey! My name's K, what's your name?
- James. - James, it's a nice name.
Where's my daddy?
Whadya got there, what is that?
My dad gave it to me, it's t'watch the launch.
Where is my daddy?
He went to go do something... very special.
And he wanted me... to... stay here, and take care of his best pal.
When's he gonna be back?
He, uh...
James, if you look right here, I will tell you the only thing you ever have to know.
- Your daddy is a hero! - My daddy is a hero?
- You wanna take a walk with me? - Yes.
James!
You're late.
Uh... sorry, lost track of time.
How do you know that song?
Drink your coffee, we got work to do!
- What do you know and what do you don't know? - How the hell do I know what I don't know?
That's a really good question.
- Did we got to Wu's last night? - Yeah.
-Bogladytes? - Been extinct for 40 years.
Perfect. Did we talk on the phone last night?
- You hung-up on me. - Yeah, I did.
That was because of all of those secrets the Universe doesn't know about.
But I realized that last night was a long, long time ago.
- And, really, I just wanna say thank you. - It's been my privilege.
You know, there's a really high possibility now, that I might know some things you don't know.
I doubt it.
Hey, I bet I know what went-down wit' you and you and O.
She's a very fine lady, but you know the rules: there's no fraternizin' amongst agents.
Well, I think ya'll mighta fraternized a time or two.
This is New Favorite Moment in Human History,
unless this is the one where K forgot to leave the tip.
I almost forgot.
That was a close one.