CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to a special edition
of the very best bits from this series of Would I Lie to You?
Joining David Mitchell tonight are Richard Osman,
Claudia Winkleman, Samantha Morton,
AJ Odudu, Miles Jupp, Laura Whitmore,
Lou Sanders, Chris McCausland,
Sara Barron, and Raj Bisram.
And joining Lee Mack tonight -
Bob Mortimer, Sara Pascoe,
Les Dennis, Mr Motivator,
Stephen Hendry, Sindhu Vee,
The Reverend Kate Bottley,
and Alex Horne!
HE CHUCKLES
Stephen, you are first up.
Before every World Championship final,
I used to give a motivational team talk to my snooker cue -
or as I called him, Sir Pots-A-Lot.
David's team. I hope that's true. I just hope it's true!
Could you give us a flavour of the motivational talk
you'd give Sir Pots-A-Lot?
Erm, I used to put him in the corner of the dressing room...
Stephen, I don't want to interrupt your flow,
but if you are going to...
LAUGHTER
LEE: Oh, God, he's not looking for drugs again, is he?
This - and it's not just any cue -
this is a cue signed by one of the greatest snooker players
of all time, Ronnie O'Sullivan.
Why don't you recreate the motivational talk?
You're in the dressing room. Ready to go out.
You've done your practice... and it's just, come on,
it's me and you today.
You and I, get to the table.
We're just going to pot every ball.
We're going to clear up and win the frame.
Come on, Sir Pots-A-Lot.
APPLAUSE
I feel motivated.
Stephen, I'm buying into this, but if you were playing and
it wasn't going that well and you came in for the break,
would you give it a stern talking-to?
Erm, I would sometimes come in and say, "What are you doing?"
You know, because, obviously, it's nothing to do with me.
When did you first acquire Sir Pots-A-Lot?
Er, 14.
You were 14 years old? Yep. And it actually got broken.
Later on in my career, I was coming back from Thailand.Yes.
We couldn't take the cues on board after 9/11,
so we had to put them in the luggage.
That's the problem with 9/11.
The queues got a lot worse, didn't they?
I do believe it's true,
because I think it's the kind of thing that successful sportsmen do.
They have these little quirks and it's what makes them amazing,
and Stephen was amazing.
Thank you.
Now, Laura. Yes. What do you think?
I think it's true, because when you speak about Sir Pots-A-Lot,
your eyes light up, and you're so enthusiastic and excited.
So, for that alone, I just feel like no-one else could get
that excited about a stick.
So, I think...
Wow. I must admit, I'm pretty lost without my stick.
I'll give it a talking-to.
"Now, we need to get to the bank today.
"Are you feeling up to your game?"
Have you given your stick a name? Sir Fines-A-Lot.
David, what about you?
When did you name your cue Sir Pots-A-Lot?
It was a name, actually, my granny gave it to, so...
I have to say, if this is a lie, I'm going to totally re-evaluate you
as a human being.
LAUGHTER
I can believe that you, firstly, in high-pressure sporty situations,
there's going to be a certain amount of superstition.
You want to do the same thing again and again and again -
that's why I never wear trousers for this show.
LAUGHTER
But there's a clash, isn't there, between the triviality of
Sir Pots-A-Lot and the seriousness of the pep talk -
and yet, the story about the grandmother giving the name.
Oh, yes, that makes sense of it, doesn't it? Yes, of course!
There will be something lovable in that very triviality
because of the family link.
So, it's either true or it is a diabolical lie.
LAUGHTER
David's been under a lot of pressure recently.
We're going to take a risk on true.
If only one more time... I'm going to believe.
You're going to dare to dream? Yeah.All right.
Stephen Hendry, were you telling us the truth about Sir Pots-A-Lot?
Or were you telling us a lie?
It was a diabolical lie.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh, no!
APPLAUSE
OK, AJ, you're next.
OK.
I once had to interview Lady Gaga using an American accent
because her manager told me
there was no way she'd be able to understand my Northern voice.
Can you repeat that? Yeah. Not a word of it.
LAUGHTER
So, your accent, you are from...
Blackburn, Lancashire. An exotic place.
I grew up in Blackburn. Did you now?
Hey! Maybe we were in the same year at school?
LAUGHTER
Unlikely.
What school did you go to?
I went to a school that was confusingly called
Everton High School, which was in Blackburn.
Knocked down. Been abolished, hasn't it?
It's been demolished? Demolished.
It's been demolished and as has my dad's house,
and as has the house we lived in before that. Oh, my word.
It's every comedian's dreams to have a blue plaque outside a house,
but they're just wiping all history of me. Oh, my God!
The hospital that I was born in has been knocked down as well
and now it's a block of flats across from what used to be
where we used to go shopping, Kwik Save,
that's been knocked down too!
My mum used to work at Kwik Save!
No way! I hope she got out before they knocked it down.
LAUGHTER I haven't seen her for a while.
They've even knocked down the brewery. Have they?
Oh, my gosh. Wow.
OK, I'm going to step in at this point
and just see if we can open the show out
to people who didn't grow up in Blackburn.
So, you were interviewing Lady G'gah... Lady Gaga.
LAUGHTER
Why were you...? shut up.
Why were you interviewing Lady?
Erm, I was presenting a music TV show.Of course.
And, erm, yeah, she was promoting one of her brand-new singles.
How far did you get into the interview before Lady Gaga said,
"I haven't understood a single word this lady has said to me"?
I was chatting away, asking her loads of questions,
really liked her outfit...
I just want a figure, just a number, just...
Erm... Just minutes.
I'd say, oh, I dunno, like... two minutes?
And when you did the American, did she do Blackburn?
IMITATING AJ: Lady Gaga.
All right. What are you thinking?
Well, I think it's true because... Why?
Well, because it's very plausible that AJ has interviewed Lady G'gah
and it's also plausible that Lady G'gah just doesn't understand
more than one kind of accent.
Well, here's the thing. Can you understand what she's saying?
Yes, because I'm bright.
Are you struggling to understand her Lancashire accent?
No. This is where I'm worried that it might not be true,
cos I think every word... Very clear, isn't it?
And the thing about Americans is, I find,
as someone from the North myself,
that they think we're all posh.
They just think everyone with an English accent is posh,
so we all sound the same to them.
Mate! They do not think you're posh, let me tell you that right now.
APPLAUSE
What are you going to say on behalf of your team? Right.
Well, I don't know.
I'm saying true. True. OK, we're going to go true.
But I can't understand why Lady Gaga can't understand her accent.
All right. But you're saying true.
OK, AJ, were you telling us the truth
or were you telling us a lie?
I was telling you a lie!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
APPLAUSE
Bob, you're next.
I once helped Damon Hill to Grand Prix success
by presenting him with a prerace snack.
David's team.
Well, it certainly tripped off the tongue.
Thank you!
What was the snack?
A Scotch egg.
And is there a definite correlation between him eating that Scotch egg
and him being successful?
He felt that the Scotch egg had helped him succeed in the race.
He told me so.
Is Damon Hill a close friend?
No, no.
Then why were you giving him foodstuff?
Well, I'd been invited to the Grand Prix.
Which Grand Prix?
The British.
In which year?
Think.
1996, David, but I'm not willing to exclude four years
either side of that.
Put it this way - it was definitely one of the decades.
Do you like racing, then?
No, I'm not a Formula 1 fan. Right.
I probably prefer soil science.
OK.
LAUGHTER
Who was he driving for?
He was driving for one, er, a company, erm...
..that had very fast company cars.
So, why were you permitted access to a major racing driver?
Because his manager, Shane Tobacco...
I don't know, I can't remember his name.
You can't remember his name?
Shane, or whoever it was, was also with another bloke, you know,
benefiting from hospitality.
What was his name?
Let's say Top-Heavy Ken.
But I remember, we went upstairs on the bus.
Damon was there, he had a bed in there...
Like a, sort of, Winnebago?
Yeah. And it had, you know, mugs with "I love cars"...
.."I love handbrakes",
"I love head rests".
And this is the day of the race?
David, this is just, like, an hour-and-a-half before the race.
An hour-and-a-half before the race.
You've turned up an hour-and-a-half early,
cos even though you're more into soil science,
you want to soak up the atmosphere
with a good hour-and-a-half of waiting
before the televised traffic begins?
Yes.
So, you turn up - the last thing Damon needs before a race
is any quiet time.
He just wants a bit of hubbub on his bus.
Were there any other people there, apart from you and Shane and Damon?
I was with my wife, as well. OK. And...
LEE: Top-Heavy Ken?
So, me and the wife went up.
I think when you go to someone's home, or their Winnebago,
or whatever... do you know, like, if you're going to a dinner party
at someone's house, you'll always take them a bottle of vinegar?
So, your gift to thank him for the hospitality
was a Scotch egg? No.
I call it "pocket meat".
Whenever I'm out away...
LAUGHTER
Whenever I'm away from my house, I have pocket meat.
Yeah. Like a chicken leg or a pork pie...
And I thought, "I've got some pocket meat,"
it was a Scotch egg in its cellophane, and I said,
"Damon, we all know that if you pop a sausage roll in
"an American's pocket, it brings him good luck.
"So, maybe a Scotch egg would work for a British fella like you."
And I gave it to him.
Is that a thing? Yeah. Very much so.
What, that if you put meat in an American's pocket...?
Processed meat. Have you ever heard of that?
Not really, no.No.
It's all been a bit of a lot of talking.
Did you...? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I've quite forgotten the original bit of the story.
Did he eat said Scotch egg before the race?
I'll never know, Samantha, but after the race,
he said that he took the Scotch egg round with him.
He swore he did. In the car?
I don't know whether he put it in the glove box,
on the passenger seat...
..or whether he ate it.
Bob, you're not claiming that he ate the egg?
All I say is, is that when I was watching,
when Damon went past,
in this tailwind, a person next to me said,
"Damon's tailwind smelt really meggy" -
which, of course, is meat and egg.
Meggy.
So, what are we thinking? Sam?
You know what? Sometimes stories are so mad that they've got to be true.
What I would say here is be wary when it comes to Bob.
Oh, OK.
Do you remember, David, I think it was the last time Bob was with us,
he told us Chris Rea told him to put an egg into his bath.
LEE: I can't even remember, was that true? No.
But you believed it was true. Yes.
Miles, what are you thinking?
Well, I'm...I think that you're, sort of, somewhat cynically using
this as an opportunity to tout your, kind of, charm.
And you're hoping to kind of drum up work,
and your agent's going to get lots of phone calls saying,
"Would Bob Mortimer be able to slip Gareth Bale a pasty"?
LAUGHTER
I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie, but you think it's true?
SAM: I'm on the fence.Oh, dear.
This is a horrible situation. I don't know.
My instinct is it's a lie.
You're saying lie. OK, Bob Mortimer...
..a lucky Scotch egg for Damon Hill at the British Grand Prix.
Truth or lie?
I was telling...
..the truth.
LEE: He's done it again!
It is an impossible situation!
One egg thing's true, the other egg's...
How can I have disbelieved the wrong egg thing?!
Right, Mr Motivator, you're next.
Every day, I do one press up for each year I've been alive.
OK. David's team.
How many years have you been alive?
That's what he says at speed dating!
"How long have you been alive?
"It won't be for much longer."
Before you say, Mr Motivator,
let's just see how old we think.
It's hard to tell because he has the face of a 50-year-old
and the clothes of a 14-year-old.
LAUGHTER
What are you going to say?
I'm going to add them together... No, I'm going to say...
I'm going to say late 50s. 58.
OK, Mr Motivator?
67. 68 next month. Wowsers. Wow!
APPLAUSE
Mr Motivator, obviously, doing 67 would be inhumane. Mm-mm.
Maybe do one or two, just so we can witness the technique.
Well, I mean, if some of you guys will do it with me.
I'm just going to say at this point -
there are no circumstances under which I will do a press-up.
David, what if it was a different exercise?
Would you do, like, a jumping jack or a burpee?
What's a burpee?
It's where Victoria puts you over her shoulder and pats your back.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm happy to do one with you, Mot.
OK, now, remember, I have a shoulder which has been in...
You've got a shoulder problem? Yeah.Yeah, me too.
But I'll do a few.Yeah, OK.
APPLAUSE
I'll go here. So, I've got to do what you're doing now?
Yeah, you've got to do what I'm doing. That's not a press-up.
We are warming up, you idiot.
You know nothing about the body.
Let's do it on the edge. On the edge? Like this.
All right? Here we go. Let's go.
Go. Push it. Come on, guy.
I'm doing it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on! Very good.
Keep going.
I thought we weren't going to do 67!
Rob's doing amazing!
I'm out. Rob, you were doing amazing!
I think it's fair to say, Rob, that you surpassed
everybody's expectations.
I'll be fine in a minute.
It was like something out of Rocky, wasn't it?
It was impressive, that. It was great.Thank you very much.
It was kind of nice. So, Dan, what do you think?
Truth or lie? I was tempted to say lie.
Then I saw the ease with which he did that
and I'm thinking true. What do you think?
I'm leaning towards a lie.
But I'll let you have the deciding vote.
I've got the deciding vote anyway.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to go true. They're saying it's true.
Mr Motivator, was it true?
True!
Kate, you're next.
Can I just say before we start - this whole "thou shalt not lie",
let that go for a couple of hours.
One Sunday, I embarrassed myself in front of the entire congregation
after too many cups of communion wine.
David's team. So, cups of communion wine.
Had you over-catered and you had to finish it up?
Yeah, basically, that's what happens.
So, the rule is that if you bless the wine,
it then has to be "reverently consumed" is the phrase.
So, you have to finish it.
I guess where it comes from is that, you know, once it's blessed,
it sort of changes, if you like.
It's not just normal wine any more.
Well, as usual, the issue of transubstantiation
has come up on the show.
If it's the blood of Christ,
you can't just pour that down the sink.
You've got to drink it because Christ wants
all of his blood finished up. Yeah.
So, I had... Like lots of vicars, I look after lots of churches
and so I had lots of services that day.
Well, that must be very difficult.
Yeah, well, there's lots of dashing about.
You say it's difficult. It's only one day a week, innit?
I mean, the hours are good, aren't they?
You can fall out with people, you know?
Not if you're full of forgiveness.
So, how many have you got under you?
Well, at that point, I had three churches that I looked after,
and so I had an 8 o'clock service, a 9.30 service
and an 11 o'clock service.
I finished the eight o'clock wine
and then I finished the wine at the 9.30 church service
and I'd not had any breakfast that morning.
Oh!Oh! So, at 11 o'clock I'd given all the wine out like we do.
Given some of the wine out. You polished off the rest of it.
I'd misjudged how many people might come up for the wine. Yeah.
Well, they were probably scared of the drunken woman, weren't they?
I finished the wine and I looked down at the cup at the same time,
and there was a little floater of bread that someone had spat back...
Oh!Oh, no!
And that sort of made me feel a bit queasy.
And so I excused myself at that point
and I went to the church loo.
Oh. And so I was unwell...Oh, no.
OK. ..into the loo.
But you didn't embarrass yourself.
You go off, you come back. Divine.
Oh, yes.
Where is the embarrassment? In the eyes of God!
I got to the loo and I had my microphone still turned on.
Oh! No!
Oh! Oh! And that went out on the church PA system.
The acoustics in some of those medieval buildings!
The sound of vomiting would echo down from all the angels,
the stained glass.
It would be like God himself was vomiting.
I'm wondering if, like, afterwards, did any of your congregation
have a nickname for you or make fun of you, like, in subsequent weeks?
They thought I was pregnant.
Oh! Oh! And did you...did you use that as an excuse
to make you look better?
Well, I wouldn't say I used it, but I didn't carry tables
for a few days and move chairs.
Sara, what are you thinking?
My instinct is telling me.. Argh!
My instinct is telling me that it's a lie
because I think she's more in control than that.
I think it's a lie.You think it's a lie? I don't know.
I don't know. It's impossible to know.
All right. We're going to go lie.
All right. You're saying lie. Might be true!
We accept that it might be true, but we're going to go lie.
So, Kate, was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
..true. Yeah! Well done, Kate.
Sorry. I'm sorry!
Sam, you're next.
Out loud. Oh, sorry!
When Tom Cruise came to England, I took him to Argos
because he wanted to buy an extension lead.
Of course, Samantha starred with Sir Thomas in Minority Report.
Excellent film. Lee's team.
So, why was he coming to London first?
It was the premiere... Of Minority Report?
Yeah, we'd taken over this floor of the Dorchester for the premiere,
and he's got one end with his entourage,
and I've got the other end
with my child and someone helping me.
And his assistant came over and said they needed an extension lead.
You don't know what the lead is for particularly?
Well, I eventually did but not in that first moment, no!
OK, sorry... Bit rude to ask as well,
when someone says, even if it's not Tom Cruise,
"I'm looking to buy an extension lead." "What's it for?
"What machine do you need to get nearer to you?"
I definitely think the way you talk, David, it would be rude.
Basically we were going out anyway
because I needed to get a bottle warmer.
And I don't know why, I think just something came over me
where I was like, "Do you fancy coming out with me to Argos?"
So, you end up in Argos with Tom Cruise. Yes.
What did he think of the little pens?
He probably thought they were massive.
Talk us through the bit when you asked Tom.
I'll be Tom.
Um...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, Sam!
Really stoked about tonight!
You know what I learned to do in the last five hours?
Fly a helicopter!
OK. What are we going to do?
That was a bit Al Pacino, then.
It was a bit, wasn't it?
It drifted into, "What are we going to do tonight?"
I'm doing Al Pacino.
That's brilliant, actually. Thank you, Samantha.
I wish I could do Ellen Barkin but I can't.
Oh, Sea Of Love. Oh, my God.
HE IMPERSONATES AL PACINO: Oh, this city. What it does to people.
I can't do Ellen Barkin but I can do Lassie barking.
I was in Lassie. You were in Lassie, the film?
Yeah. But I got into trouble with Lassie because they tell everyone,
"No food on set", and I'd forgotten or whatever
and so I'd always be eating my sandwiches
and then Lassie would be doing a take and then...
SHE SNIFFS
It's like, "What's going on?"
Anyway, in the end, they realised it was me and my sandwiches.
And then you took Lassie to Argos to buy a lead.
Bob, what do you think? Is Sam telling the truth?
I like it a lot.You like it? Yeah, it feels like...
Well, that's all that matters. Yeah.
So, Bob says it's true. I think so. And Sarah says it's...?
It's believable. OK, we'll say it's true.
You're going to say it's true. OK, Samantha, truth or lie?
It's a lie.
Ah!
APPLAUSE
It was a lie.
Les, you're next.
I like to keep my old fingernail clippings,
so I can use them later on. Oh!
David's team. What do you use them for later on?
Erm... Well, if I've had a sandwich...
Oh.Aw!
..and I've forgotten to get hold of a toothpick...
Oh! No, no!
So, you keep your old fingernail clippings? I kind of....
If I get a really good one that's got a nice hook in it...
Yeah. ..then I'll save it for later.
Oh. Save it for later!
Oh, God.
As you cut your fingernails, you're thinking ahead
for when you might next need to pick your teeth.
Yep. But you don't think another way of thinking ahead
would just be to have some toothpicks with you all the time?
The thing about toothpicks is they don't quite get in, do they? Oh!
Les, are you single at the moment?
No, I'm married for the third time.
Oh. Yeah, he's already told you twice.
Does your third wife know about this?
She does and she does the same reaction as you lot do.
What do you think your fourth wife's going to think about it?
So, what about floss?
How does she feel about it?
LAUGHTER
All right, Richard, what are you thinking of this?
I'm appalled.
What about you, Lou? I'm hoping it's a lie.
Yeah, we're all hoping it's a lie.
The thing is, if Les doesn't do it,
someone had to make it up.
Yeah. I almost think that's sort of equally unlikely that someone
in their job in television thought,
"I tell you what I'll get Les Dennis to say on TV.
"That he cuts his fingernails and uses it to pick his teeth."
Somebody... And I think that's almost as perverted
as actually doing it.
What are you going to say, truth or lie?
We're going to go lie.OK. We'll go lie.You're saying it's a lie.
So, Les, it was a controversial one.
Everybody's on tenterhooks. Yeah.
Truth or lie?
Erm, it is...
And I promise not to do it any more.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Shaun, would you please reveal your true identity?
I'm Shaun and Raj used to whip my shirt off for money.
No way, Raj!
Yes, Shaun is Raj's bare-chested buddy,
and we can now see the trick.
So, you're going to need to wear masks for this, please.
Shaun, you take a position there in the chair,
and then over to you, Raj.
Oh, God!
Well, I would simply get Sean out as my stooge.
We'd act as if we didn't know each other.
I'd say, "Good evening, how are you?"
And I would undo his wrist button,
and then I would undo this button.
And then, as you can see, I'd undo this button.
And then all I'd say is... On the count of three,
we'd say some magic words.
And tonight they are "Would I Lie To You".
So, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
ALL: Would I Lie To You.
Whoa!
Oh, hang on. What's happened?
I nearly killed him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened on this show.
Is Shaun all right? Yeah, who cares?
LAUGHTER
Raj!
He's fine. I love the idea that you had to put masks on
for safety reasons.
And then almost took his head off!
Well, that's all we've time for
on this special edition of Would I Lie to You?
Thanks very much for watching. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING