姐去健身房就只做最少的努力，对吧？
When I go to the gym, like I'm all about minimal effort, right?
就我能做到的最少量的努力
Like the least amount of effort I can do,
就为了去吃早午餐的时候能很积极地说，姐今天早上去健身了
just that I can go to brunch with my friends in my active way and say, I went to the gym this morning.
我会用每样器械，然后坐下来
I'm on all the machines, we sit down
因为你可以同时刷Instagram
because you can still be on instagram at the same time.
我会试着做一些、拉一点啥，但我根本不知道自己在做什么
So there and I'm like trying to do some pulling stuff like I don't know what the *** I was doing.
然后我就感觉到身后有人存在，对吧？
And then I feel this presence behind me, right?
就有个超级强壮的男人，就你知道那种男人
There's like super jacked dude like, you know that guy,
健身房里没有脖子的那种男人
the gym with no neck like that guy.
是的，就像大力水手，你知道的
Yeah, popeye，you know right?
他真的太壮了，然后他走到我后边
And he was so jacked and he came up behind me, right?
然后他拍了拍我的肩膀
And then he just tapped me on the shoulder.
他说：欸，这个动作你做错了
He's like, eyy, you're doing it wrong.
尼玛的劳什子儿
Motherfucker!
因为我也在来姨妈前，随时准备好开撕
Because I was also premenstrual and I was ready for a fight right.
因为我会转过身跟他大讲特讲父权制
Because I was gonna turn around to this guy and lecture him on the patriarchy,
还有#metoo运动，女的在2019有多难，再上个话题#metoo
the me too movement, how hard it is to be a woman in 2019, hashtag me too
敢惹姐发飙给你看，然后我转过身
like I was gonna go to town. I turn around.
他是真他妈的巨大
He was fucking massive.
但是当我往上看的时候，就他的肱二头肌跟我头一样大
but As I'm going up and I'm like looking at his biceps as big as my head.
然后我看着他的眼睛
And then I look into his eyes.
他有一双迷人的眼睛
He had the most amazing eyes.
然后我就想，我可以向他说教女权、父权制还有#metoo运动
I'm thinking like I could lecture this guy and feminism and patriarchy me too movement,
但是姐真的很饥渴
but I was horny.
所以取而代之，我就仰望着他说
so instead, I just looked up at him and said,
帮帮人家嘛！
Help me!
他就说，啊好！我就想，天惹噜，我们会有很棒的性体验
he was like uhh! I was like we're gonna have great sex.
你可以感觉到的
You can feel it.
跟大力水手一起感觉，因为这就是姐想要的
Feel it with popeye, because that's all I want.
现在我的生活中，这就是我想要的，我只想要美妙的啪啪
And now in my life, that's all I want, I just want great sex.
我想要火辣激情的啪啪，因为它很难找到
I want hot, passionate sex because it's hard to find.
你知道那种啪啪，我们必须在第二天换床单，就那种
So on that kind of sex, we have to change the sheets the next day, that kind of sex,
就那种我们会怀疑菊花和妹妹是否连接在一起的啪啪
the kind of sex we question whether or not your asshole and vagina are now connected as well.
你知道那种啪啪吗
You know that sex?
你知道那种在3天后的工作会议上还在回味的啪啪， 你的浦西就湿…
you know that sex you think about 3 days later in a work meeting and you pussy like.
就整天驾着潮湿海浪工作
Just riding that moist wave at work all day.
你的老板说：我们拿到了这场流程图
Your boss is like we've got a flow chart
你说：我这里已经在流了（flow），就这样
you like i've got one right here. That's all.
整天都是黏黏糊糊的
It's like squishy squishy squishy all day.
我只是想要很棒的啪啪
I just want great sex
所以他邀请我回到他家，但他用了可能是最奇怪的方式
So then he invites me back to his place, but he does it in the weirdest way possible.
他说：嘿，你想要去我家喝蛋白粉吗？
He goes. Hey, you wanna come back to my place for some protein shakes.
然后我想，噢当然了，这是委婉的说法
and I'm thinking like. Oh Definitely! euphemism,
可能还是有机的/身体器官上的，对吧？
probably organic, right?
所以我们回到他家，然后他开始摇蛋白粉，我就想，是的他很蠢
So we go back to his place then as he starts making protein shakes and Im like oh yeah, he's dumb.
对的
That's right.
他开始摇蛋白粉奶昔，就看起来不像是很好看的巧克力棕色
And he starts making these protein shakes, and like they look like, weren't like a nice chocolate brown.
看起来像是腹泻拉出来的那种棕色，对吧？
They were like a diarrhea, brown, right?
因为他是Instagram上的红人，他有一系列他正在尝试的蛋白粉
Because he's an Instagram influencer, He had a line of proteins he was trying.
所以我就在那试着演，嗯好喝！
And so I'm there and I'm trying to do that thing like yummy.
很难喝，但是他救了我
It tasted awful, but then he saved me.
他说：嘿，我就去简单冲个澡
He's like, I'm just gonna have a quick shower,
你就当在自己家一样
make yourself at home.
我的笔记本电脑在那边开着，Spotify也开着
My laptops open over there, spotify is open,
放点音乐，我很快就出来
puts a music on and i'll be out in a sec.
我就说，好吧
That's like, okay.
所以他就去冲澡了，我就想完蛋了！
So he goes into the shower and I'm like ***.
现在我得要为啪啪时间选音乐了
Now I have to choose music for sexy time.
真的亚历山大
That's stressful.
这几乎和那种压力相当，就当你在超市
It's almost the same level of stress as when I'm in the supermarket here
在下个顾客进来结账之前，你得要赶快收好你买的东西
and I have to pack my bags before the next comes along
就这是同等的压力
like it's the same level of stress.
因为你不想搞砸了
Because you don't want to *** it up.
你不会想要放一个歌单
You don't want to put on a playmix.
当你高潮的时候，“让它去吧，让它去吧”响起
And as you're coming,"let it go let it go." Comes on.
为什么我要听冰雪奇缘，又不关我的事，好的吧
Why I'm listening to frozen? Isn't my business? Okay.
然后去看了他的播放列表，发现他有会员
So I go over to his playlist and I'm looking and I see that he has premium,
他买了会员，我就想感谢上帝
he pays the premium and like thank god.
因为我不想听着广告啪啪
Because I don't want to fuck to ads.
而这在德国其实不算太糟，对吧
Which in Germany is actually not so bad, right?
因为用德语说出来的广告
Because ad comes on in German.
就像大众的奥拓
It's like Volkswagen DAZ Auto.
感觉像是小片片，这真的感觉很棒了，对吧？
It feels like a porn. This is great right.
德国是唯一的国家我不为Spotify买会员的
Germany is the only country. I don't pay for premiums for spotify right?
然后他洗完澡出来，身上只围着一条毛巾
And then he comes out of the shower and he's wearing just a towel.
等了姐一阵
Hold it been a while for me
这那人有腹肌，但不只是六块腹肌
And this guy had abs, but not just a six pack of abs.
这家伙有八块腹肌，就像突突突突突…
This guy had an eight pack of abs. Like,
我甚至不知道腹肌能到那么下边
I was like, I didn't even know abs could go that far down.
当你看到活生生的腹肌，你会…腹肌诶
When you see abs live. You like. aaaaaaabs
就像一只扑向渣男欲火的飞蛾
Like a moth drawn to the *** boy flame.
就腹肌肌肌肌肌肌肌肌肌肌
Just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaabs
绝大多数男人总认为，欧耶，我要用这个大鸡毁了你的小猫
Most guys always think they're like oh yeah I'm gonna smash with this big dick,
看这个大鸡，真的太特么大大大大大大大的鸡儿了！没错吧？
look at this big dick, it's so fucking big big big big big dick Correct?
如果姐看到一根大鸡，我就会摇头
If I see a big dick, I'm like. UHmmmmmm
不了，谢谢哈
Thank you.
就姐还想要我的体内器官完好无损，好吧？
Like I wanna keep my internal organs in tact, okay?
有天姐还想要生孩子，对吧
I wanna have kids one day. All right.
姐只是想要明天还可以走路去上班，好吧
I just wanna be able to walk to work tomorrow. All right?
做一些姐还能够做的事
Something that I want to be able to do.
我们不想让鸡儿太小
We don't want it too small.
你有听到这突然到来的冷场了吗？
Did you hear that silence…
就每个女人都会说，我不知道台上这女的在说什么
That's every woman like, I don't know what she's talking about.
我爱上的是他的性格，胡说八道！
I fall in love with personality bullshit.
你知道我们从全世界各地收到多少故事
Do you know how many stories we get from around the world?
总是说，我遇到一个男人，他真的非常可爱，但他微鸡！
And it's always like I met this guy, he was really lovely. but he has micro penis,
这不是他的错
It's not his fault.
我总是在想，如果我是一个“微鸡”男
I I always think what I would do if I had a Micro penis as a guy,
就如果我有个微鸡，我会做什么
like if I had a Micro penis, what would I do?
我觉得你可以用你的嘴巴，你的手
I think you can use your mouth, your hand,
就不管她喜欢什么尺寸，我说的是男人们，你们都有选择的
like whatever size she's into, like all I'm saying, gentlemen is you have options.
不是特别针对你，先生，但你就坐在那里
Not you specifically, sir, but you just right there.
所以我不知道
So i don't know,
就姐开始做法：求求了！希望是个漂亮鸡，然后我拿掉他的毛巾
I II I'm thinking like please have a nice penis and I take off his towel.
因为它不是太大
Because it wasn't too big.
不是太小
It wasn't too small.
刚刚好
It's was just right
但它不仅刚刚好
but not only was it just right?
这家伙有鸡儿届的黄金门票
This guy had the golden ticket of dicks.
他有人人羡慕的香蕉鸡，我就想
He had the coveted banana, I was like,
这才是姐想要的蛋白粉奶昔口味好吧！
that's the protein shack flavor I wanted.
你知道那种“香蕉鸡”会稍微上翘一点，对吧
Banana dick that just curves like up a little bit, right?
所以当进入的时候，它会触碰到G点，你就会想
So as it goes inside, it hits the g spot and you like oh.
嗯嗯嗯嗯！这个鸡是香蕉鸡诶！B-A-N-A-N-A-S！
This dick is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
美味！爱这鸡！因为在传教士体位的时候
Yummy! love that dick! cause in missionary,
在传教士体位进入的时候
like when it goes in a missionary
哦，感觉太棒了
OH! it feels amazing,
感觉不好吗？
Oh doesn't it feel so good?
但是当你后入的时候，你就会：嗷，姐的脊椎！现在姐想拉屎了
But then when it grows in doggie, like ouh my spine, now I need to take a shit.
这位先生你看起来有点困惑
Looking a little bit confusing.
如果她不想用后入的方式达到高潮，是因为她想要把屎憋住
If she's not come in doggie, cause she's trying to hold the shit in.
是的，她们不会告诉你的，但我会
Yeah, they won't tell you, but I will.
好的，不用谢，你边笑边学，欢迎来到故事会
Okay, so you're welcome, you're laughing and learning.Welcome to story party right.
所以我就想，跟这男的啪肯定会不错的！
So I'm thinking like this is gonna be on with this guy like, right?
所以他把我扔到床上，然后我们开始做和传教
So he like throws me on the bed and then we start having sex and missi-
如果你喜欢传教士体位就鼓掌
clap if you like missionary position, clap if you like missionary.
这是排名第一的体位，这是世界上最受欢迎的体位
It's a number one position. It's the most popular position in the world.
世界上可能有80亿人，是因为传教士体位
And it's because of it. It's probably 8 billion people in the world because of missionary position,
因为人类天生懒惰（而喜欢）
because humans are inherently lazy.
但对我来说，有时是在床上，有时是在健身房
And but for me, sometimes in the bedroom, in the gym,
我都一样的，只做最小的努力，对吧
I'm the same like minimal effort, right?
即使我是用海星的姿势，我就会想着真的太累了，对吧
Just even if I'm starfishing, I'm like too much of it, right?
我最喜欢的姿势是勺子环抱姿势
My favorite position is the spooning position,
勺子环抱姿势，你知道在星期天早上醒来那种
the spoon position, you know when like in the fetal position on a Sunday morning,
当你还非常宿醉，你的头靠在床边塞进呕吐的桶里，对吧
when you're really hung over with your head over the side of the bed into a bucket, right?
噢你们知道的，我不那么确定
you know it. I wasn't sure, okay.
他就那么做了，他就滑进去，对吧
He does that. He just like slides it in there, right?
然后你得要做那种奇怪的…我们就像
You have to do that. We'd like.
直到他到了床那边的尽头，你就会往回蹭，往回蹭
Until you get to the end of the bed and you like scoot backs back, scoot back...
这可不就是跳得很烂的70年代迪斯科舞么
Bad 70's disco right there.
所以不管怎样，我们开始啪
So anyway, we start having sex.
然后他对我说，因为姐就喜欢最小的努力换最大的收获
And then he says to me like, because I'm like minimal effort, right? Maximum gain.
他就说，嘿宝贝，为什么你不
And then he says, he's like, he's like, hey, baby,hey, why don't you?
你到上边去呢？
Get on Top?
哦不
Oh no.
要努力动了
Effort.
但是因为我喝醉了，我就说管他的！让我们来吧！
Because I was drunk, I was like *** it. Let's do it right.
我到了上边，现在我要跟你说实话
I get on top, now I'm gonna be honest with you. I was like
我不知道我在做什么，当我在上面
I don't know what I'm doing when I get on top.
我不知道怎么做，我他妈的不知道
I don't, I have no fucking idea.
我甚至看过油管的相关视频，好吗
I've even watched YouTube videos, okay?
我有一天晚上在油管上看，最后看到一个叫彩虹的女人
Ii was on YouTube one night, I was like watching and I ended with this woman called rainbow
在说：就用你的臀部来感受力量
who was like just use your hips and feel the energy.
我在凌晨三点的人生都在干些啥呢
What am I doing with my life at 3:00 in the morning?
因为在上边我总是想，我的手要做什么？
Because I'm on Top and I'm always like, I what do I do with my arms?
他们就在那里
They're just there.
所以他们说，你就像小片片里那么做嘛
So they're like, just do you like what they're doing porn
所以我就…
So I was like.
然后我就想：完蛋！他会看到姐的双下巴
But then I'm like, ***, he can see my double chin.
然后你就会以那种奇怪的体操姿势收尾，对吧
So then you end up in this like weird gymnastics pose, right?
就像是在试着摸他的蛋，姐迷惑了
Just trying to touch his balls. I don't know.
他可以看出来我完全不知道我在做什么，他懂的
And he could tell that I had no idea what I was doing. He could tell.
他就抓住我的胳膊，然后把它放在他的胸上，然后继续
And he was like grab my arms, and he put it onto his pecks and then he goes
因为姐是想到什么说什么
because I have no brain to mouth filter.
我就说：噢，奶奶诶！他的胸真的太硬了！
I was like oh boobie. There was so hard.
我就感觉像是在攀岩，这特么就是抓手的地方对吧？
I was like rock climbing. I was like this is great, right?
因为胸有时是软的，你就会：软软好喜欢！但他就太硬，然后他开始…
Because sometimes if there a bit squishy, you like oh squishy, but these are hard then he starts, right?
他说：上啊！宝贝！上啊！上啊！上啊！
He's like, go, baby go go go,
他说：快点！ 我就…
He's like faster and i
更快点！ 我…
Like faster like a like a.
这个点上完全就是在做有氧运动！
It was cardio at this point
他就说：开始！ 我…
He's like go and i
停下！
Stop!
他说：咋了？ 我说：不等等
And he's like, what? No my oh.
他说：“来吧宝贝！让我们继续！”
He's like come on baby let's, go, let's go.
我就想：特么什么时候变成私教课了？姐完全没有报名好吧！
I was like when did you turn to a fucking PT session? Okay?Didn't sign up for this shit.
所以我就在那听起来像头猪……
So i'm there sounding like a pig of..
然后我听到了Spotify上播的歌，对吧
And then I hear the song that comes on spotify, right?
那首歌是艾米纳姆《迷失自我》
And that song was lose yourself by Eminem
现在我向你们所有人提出挑战，听这首歌而不会跟着rap
now I Challenge all of you to listen to that song and not wrap along.
你们做不到
You can not do it.
所以这位大力水手开始做什么呢？是的
So what does popeye I start doing? yeah!
他就开始跟着说唱了
He's just rapping along.
他就开始唱…“此刻你最好沉醉在音乐…”
He was like you've got to lose yourself in the music...
我就想：现在特么发生了什么
I'm like what the *** is happening right now.
然后我就加入他…“你只要一次机会，不要错过一爆的时机…”
Then I just joined it and like "you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
可别吹了，再吹爆了
Don't blow, don't blow
我不知道这个故事的寓意是什么
I don't know what the moral of that story is.
我就觉得是：找个跟你健身水平相当的人约会吧
But I I think it's just a date someone on your fitness level.
那就是了
That's it.
翻译@长谷川细作