[Gene] Sir, they're making another push.
[Surge] So?!
Shoot back!!
Victory is close at hand!
Their flag must be around here somewhere!
[Gene] But we're completely—
[Surge] "But" nothing! A soldier follows orders no matter what.
You do what I tell you, son.
[Gene] Yes, sir!
Return fire, Cronut!
[Cronut] With what? We're out of ammo.
I'm shooting blanks over here.
[Gene] In that case, we're gonna have to resort to Plan B...
You suck! You're-
-bad at math!
[Cronut] You have table manners that leave much to be desired!
[Gene] You smell like maybe you forgot to wear deodorant today!
[Cronut] Your mother's lasagna is mediocre!
[Buckey] They're attempting to insult us, sir.
[Temple] Yeah, I fuckin' noticed.
This oughta shut them up.
[Buckey] Ooh, my turn, let me try!
[Temple] Not happening, dude. [Buckey] Oh, come on!
[Buckey] How come you always get the sniper rifle?
[Temple] Because you're busy getting the prisoner.
Also, because go fuck yourself!
*stereotypical Italian music*
[Gene] Mama mia! They got Lorenzo!
[Temple] That's right. We got your fucking robot.
Now give us back our base or we smash the Goomba.
[Gene] Woah, dude!
That is super racist.
[Temple] No, it isn't!
[Buckey] It's pretty racist, dude.
[Temple] No, a Goomba! Like in Mario!
[Temple] Whatever! Everyone shut up, or we're all gonna find out what kind of filling is inside this cannoli.
[Buckey] Ugh, not better.
[Gene] Oh no, what are we gonna do?!
Uh, ideas, anybody?
[???] Oooh, I got one.
If you guys had to get shot somewhere in your body where would you do it?
[Gene] Not now, Biff!
We're in the middle of a war!
[Biff] It's a legit question, dudes.
[Cronut] How about the pinky toe? That little piggy's had it coming for ages.
[Biff] Are you crazy? All the nerves in your whole body end in your toes, idiot.
I want to take a bullet. Not feel pain.
[Surge] The blue bastards have hidden their flag something fierce!
[Gene] Oh and they have Lorenzo, Surge!
[Surge] Blast! We can't let them keep the robot!
I've hid all our top-secret battle station plans in that droid!
We'll have to hold out for reinforcements. How's our ammo?
Listen up, you dirty blue bastards!
Red team is graciously and selflessly willing to open negotiations.
Your base are belong to us.
Surrender now, and we'll spare your meaningless lives.
[Temple] Christ, this song again.
Who's your negotiator?
[Surge] Ha ha, me.
[Temple] No, deal
Your last two parlays ended with literal backstabbing.
Send someone else.
[Surge] How about Biff?
He's expendable if the talks break down.
[Temple] Yeah, whatever.
[Biff] The butt? Are you insane? That's right next to my jingo jangos, okay? Bullets splinter.
[Temple] How about the arm?
[Biff] Arteries.
[Temple] Ooh, the ear.
[Biff] "What? Yeah, I can't hear you because some idiot shot my ear off."
No way!
*grr* There's gotta be some part of the body that's expendable.
[Temple] You just need to get shot in the appendix.
[Biff] If only I was a book.
[Surge in background] Biff! Biff!
Stab-hay him-lay in the back, m'kay?
[Temple] Was that supposed to be Pig Latin?
[Buckey from behind] Can you hurry it up, Temple?
Preferably before they find my masturbatorium!
[Temple] Stop it, man.
[Biff] Stop what?
[Temple] You're staring at me.
[Biff] Am not.
[Temple] Are too!
I know what you're thinking.
[Biff] No, you don't.
[Temple] This is all my fault.
[Biff] I didn't, look I didn't say a thing.
[Temple] Well, you're right. Okay? I'm guilty.
[Biff] Whoa, can we talk about this later?
All right, everyone is staring at us.
[Temple] Fine.
[Biff] Uh, trade you a base for a robot.
[Temple] Yeah, dude.
[Temple] It was the same damn shit with the same damn idiots.
They get a thing, we steal the thing.
We get a tank, they blow it up.
It's like living in a fucking Looney Tunes cartoon.
We didn't know it yet,
but all that was about to change.
[Loco off screen] Halt!
Who goes there?
[Temple] It's me.
Going on patrol.
[Loco] No, you're talking to your best friend!
[Temple] What?
[Loco] Me!
[Temple] Oh right. Yeah, of course I am.
Loco, why don't you get some sleep?
[Loco] Heh, okay!
[Snoring sounds]
[Temple] Whatever...
[Loco, sleep talking] Leave me alone, sky puppet.
[Biff] Heads up!
[Temple] Holy fuck!
Where the hell'd you get one of these?
[Biff] Shore-leave. Drink up–
[Surge impression] you damn dirty blue.
[Biff] Hey, you remember Pearson's class– history, freshman year?
[Temple] Uh... I remember someone drawing dicks on my notebook every time I went to the bathroom.
[Biff] Oh, and then he did those notebook checks
the look on your stupid face!
[Temple] *laughs* Fuckin' asshole.
What are you bringing that up for?
[Biff] Georgina was in that class.
You know that? That's when we met.
[Temple] I remember. It took you two years to finally ask her out.
That was a fun day.
[Biff] Fun? Right, yeah.
You managed to unite the entire fucking cafeteria in a slow clap, you jackass.
[Temple] *laughs*
We should have joined the fucking coast guard. [Biff] Yup.
[Temple] I bet the coast guard doesn't divide its people into teams and have them
shoot at each other with loaded assault rifles
[Biff] Oh, they actually do. They just...use harpoon guns instead.
[Temple] What?
[Dylan] So you two were friends before the service. You knew each other?
[Temple] Yeah, that's right.
We grew up together.
We enlisted together.
"Buddy team", they called it.
Freelancer overlooked that fact when they assigned us to opposite teams in the same canyon.
We found that fact out later.
[Dylan] Was that at the freelance—
[Temple] This isn't an intervew, Dylan Andrews!
Shut the fuck up and listen!
The conversation inevitably turned to the same place it always did.
[Biff] You ever wonder what the fuck we're doing here?
[Temple] Like all the goddamn time.
The way I see it, it's gotta be some super important government shit.
Some, like, critical testing stuff.
When we get out there's going to be medals, awards, fucking parades for us, dude.
[Biff] For you.
Not me, I'm getting out soon.
[Temple] Yeah?
[Biff] Yeah, medical discharge.
[Temple] For real?
[Biff] I'm not fucking with you.
[Temple] This whole situation is garbage enough to begin with, but at least we're in it together—
[Biff] We're in it against each other, if you haven't noticed.
[Temple] You know what I mean.
I would never do that to you!
[Biff] Red team had a shore leave awhile back, and I snuck home back to Earth.
Went AWOL, stowed away on a transport.
[Temple] For real?
[Biff] Yeah, it wasn't easy, but I had to see Georgina.
[Temple] Keeping the old flame alive.
Wait, she hasn't moved on?
[Biff] No, dude. It's super serious between us.
That's why I need to get back.
I don't want to say you owe me one, but—
[Temple] Yeah, yeah. I'm the only reason you're fucking here.
You know, if I had frequent flyer miles for every one of your guilt trips
I could cover your entire ride back to Earth.
[Biff] So you're in?
[Temple] The way I see it, it's my job to shoot you anyway.
Hey, they might give me a medal for this.
[Biff] That's the spirit, all right!
So, brass tacks. My pinky finger. I need you to shoot it off, alright?
I've thought about it a lot and that's going to be my best bet.
[Temple] Done.
I've been waiting to shoot you since we were kids.
[Biff] Alright, not now. We need witnesses, reports, and shit, alright?
I'll need the pension when I get out.
[Temple] I could shoot you now for practice.
[Biff] Oh, good idea.
[Temple] I figured we could try a bunch of places and you could let me know what hurts the least!
[Biff] Brilliant.
[Temple] Semi or full-auto?
[Biff] Riddle me with holes!
[Temple] Thank god I brought along those explosive rounds.
[Biff] Mmm. What are friends for?
[Temple] The plan was simple,
Biff gets hurt, gets a medical discharge.
First-class ticket back home.
But you know what they say,
No plan survives first contact with the enemy.