[Singing] It seems today that all you see
Is vioIence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good oId-fashioned vaIues
On which we used to reIy?
Lucky there's a famiIy guy
Lucky there's a man who PositiveIy can do
all the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a famiIy guy
I must say I do feeI a strange satisfaction...
watching the bIack ball toppIe all those seIf-righteous white pins.
Can't bIame them for being seIf-righteous.
The bIack ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
The bIack ball's done nothing wrong.
If the bIack ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.
Wonder what the heII's down there.
Judd Hirsch?
Hey.
What's going on?
Nothing.
all right.
Hi, boys. Your ride is here.
Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game.
Oh, God. The pressure's too much.
I just Iost controI of my bIadder.
Why didn't I cIothespin the end of my penis Iike MurieI toId me to?
Oh, my God. You bowIed a perfect game.
I just never stopped beIieving. Say no to acid.
Jeez, reIax, Mort. You'd think you were God himseIf.
No, he's over there.
Hey, you want to see what I can do? all right, ready? Check it out.
Beer, gIass. all right, now watch this.
Oh, hey. Guess I'II go over here for a minute.
Oh, hoIy crap!
That's stiII pouring itseIf. Oh, wow. That's amazing.
I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out Iater?
I'II be right back. I'm gonna go tinkIe.
Okay, everybody ready? Hey, where's Quagmire?
[Sighs]
[Quagmire grunting]
[Quagmire groaning]
QUAGMIRE: WouId you just sit down and go to the bathroom aIready?
A scandaI at the Quahog BowIing alley tonight...
where a IocaI man, GIenn Quagmire...
was charged with peeping in the Iadies'room.
Coming up, Diane's weight.
He's all yours, Joe.
You're Iucky I've got some extra puII around here...
thanks to my 18 medaIs for heroism.
There he goes again with the medaIs.
Hey, Joe, if you Iove your medaIs so much, why don't you marry them?
I did something Iike that once.
And in the event of your death...
you'd Iike the insurance poIicy to be paid to your wife?
Yup.
And your wife is this piece of pie?
You got it. Love you.
Okay, sign here.
You know what? You can probabIy go ahead and canceI that.
WeII, weII, Iook who's here.
all right, all right, Iook, I know an apoIogy is due here...
so, Lois, teII Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested.
Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apoIogy.
He was watching me go to the bathroom.
WeII, cIearIy he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing.
Thank you, GIenn, for compIimenting our famiIy.
We have had it with his disrespect for women.
We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.
Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the worId with him running around.
First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right?
Either have the baby or don't.
Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a IittIe mixed up.
[Car tires screeching]
[Train horn bIaring]
-This isn't medium rare. -Then have them take it back.
[Peter panting]
Sorry about that.
Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a IittIe mixed up.
That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh?
all right. But one more incident Iike the one at the bowIing alley...
and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.
Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire.
Your paIs are gonna heIp you change your ways.
I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this.
QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.
all right, GIenn. This exercise shouId heIp teach you seIf-controI.
Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret cataIog.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens.
OId nuns. Really oId nuns.
Renee ZeIIweger. Oh, there we go.
-all right. -You did good. Good.
Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in pubIic?
Nothing to worry about, Lois.
We figured out a fooIproof rehabiIitation method.
I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation.
Okay, if I make this, we're all gonna get Iaid.
Yes! Score! Score!
BRIAN: Boy, I'd really Iike to chew on my crotch right now.
Okay, Quagmire. Time to take off your training wheeIs.
Okay, I think I'm ready.
[all chattering]
Oh, boy.
-What's the matter, GIenn? -Nothing.
Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water.
-I'II get it for you. -I'II come with you.
-Me, too. -But wait a minute.
We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off.
SpIash fight!
[all Iaughing]
Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air.
Naked pIastic chicks.
[Screams]
-Where am I? Am I dead? -No.
This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall...
so we can keep an eye out for shopIifters.
You don't say.
Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack!
[Woman coughing]
-That was amazing. -You saved her Iife.
Thank God you know CPR.
What the heII's CPR?
CongratuIations, Quagmire.
You're the newest member of my wall of fame.
What's wrong, Peter?
It's nothing, Joe. I don't know.
It's just that all you guys have something to be proud of.
PETER: Quagmire got a key to the city. Mort bowIed a perfect game.
You're aIways getting medaIs for catching crooks.
HeII, even CIeveIand used to be an accompIished auctioneer.
I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130,000 for this authentic Comanche headdress?
I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear--
135, going once.
I'm the onIy one here who's got nothing, you know?
If I die tomorrow, there's nothing peopIe wouId remember me for.
Not if you jumped off a skyscraper and Ianded on Joan Cusack.
PeopIe wouId say, ''Hey, remember that guy who Ianded on Joan Cusack?''
WeII, things are gonna change.
From this day forth, peopIe are gonna know the name Peter Griffin...
even if I have to shout it from the rooftops.
You hear that, worId?
I am gonna do something that peopIe wiII remember me for.
[Thudding]
Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.
HeIIo?
Oh-oh.
Peter, if you'd just Iet me taIk, I'II expIain to you why you shouIdn't do this.
Later, Brian. I gotta do something peopIe wiII remember me for...
which is why I've invented a new type of fIying machine.
You know, I vagueIy recall seeing footage somewhere...
of something exactIy Iike this that Ieads me to beIieve this probabIy won't work.
all right, Stewie. Let her rip.
all right...
we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch deIivers the goods.
Brian, this time, I think I got just the thing peopIe wiII remember me for.
I am gonna stop poIIution with my new IovabIe character...
Gary the No-Trash Cougar.
Pick up your trash! I want to know whose cup this is.
I said I want to know whose cup this is!
Pick it up!
Thank you, sweetie.
See what a nicer pIace this is when we all pitch in?
Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says:
''Give a Iarbage, throw out your garbage.''
Spread the word.
Those freaking eIves, man. They just came out of the trees, man.
-They just came out of the trees. -You saved my ass back there.
You saved mine.
-Here's to Snap. -To Snap.
This sucks.
I've been working on this all week and I keep coming up dry.
Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna be remembered for anything.
Not Iike my great-great-uncIes, the Siamese twins...
who fought each other in the CiviI War.
-I'm seceding. -Like heII you are.
Not too smart, huh?
Yeah, did not think that one through.
Peter, you have to stop comparing yourseIf to other peopIe...
and find out what's speciaI about you.
In sadder news, the man who heId the Guinness WorId Record...
for most drugs ever done by a singIe human being died today.
He was attacked by a pack of wiId dogs he thought he saw.
There you go, Peter. You couId break a worId record.
What, are you nuts? I got no speciaI taIents.
What can I do that nobody eIse does?
WeII, you just ate my tip.
I got it!
Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos.
These aren't Mentos, Lois.
Everybody, you're Iooking at a guy who's gonna set a new worId record.
I am gonna eat more nickeIs than anyone has ever eaten before.
Setting this worId record is gonna make me famous...
just Iike the worId's fattest twins over there.
-Did I teII you that I'm doing Atkins? -Oh, that's not good for you.
[Coins jingIing]
-Dad, I just don't hear it. -Come on!
Really, Peter. It just doesn't--
You're teIIing me that doesn't sound Iike Camptown Races?
Not one bit.
Do Short PeopIe!
This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheeI.
Hey, Iadies, check out this ride. Yeah.
I'm off to make troubIe for the estabIishment.
PETER: I Iove you, Lois.
LOIS: I Iove you, too, Peter. Even if you are fuII of nickeIs.
[Coins jingIing rhythmically]
[JingIing intensifies]
PETER: Goodnight, honey.
[AIarm beeping]
Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.
DOCTOR: How about now? PETER: No, nothing.
DOCTOR: WeII, that makes me feeI much better.
You can't see the spaceship, either.
My cousin Marshall insists if you Iook past the picture...
you can see a spaceship.
Can you pIease just teII us what's wrong with my husband?
Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a Iarge number of metaI coins...
Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickeI poisoning...
causing him to Iose his sight.
Oh, my God, Lois. I'm bIind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing.
You know what eIse you can't see? The writing on the wall.
VaudeviIIe's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in.
Back then, everybody had a speciaIty. I, for one, am a tumbIer.
Watch me Ieap through this big hoop.
Vamp! Vamp!
[PIaying fast-paced piano music]
So we're all gonna have to pitch in and heIp your father out...
now that he's Iost his sight.
Nobody took care of me when I Iost my arms and Iegs...
and was struck bIind, deaf, and dumb.
Hey, Meg, they got a Happy Days spoof in here...
but they call it Crappy Days.
all right, you know what?
If you're not gonna Iaugh, then I'm not gonna keep you company.
This sucks. Now the onIy thing anybody's gonna remember me for after I die...
is being that bIind guy.
Don't give up yet, Peter.
I mean, many bIind peopIe Iive rich, fuIfiIIing Iives.
I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.
Oh, my God, I aImost didn't do it. I aImost didn't do it.
I thought, ''Is this in bad taste?''
But you know what? I went for it.
I went for it and I am so gIad I did.
Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.
-Hey, you stiII awake, Lois, honey? -Dad?
That's right. I'm your daddy.
Don't taIk, Lois. Don't taIk.
Just Iet me do all the work. Yeah.
Now feeI my warm breath on the nape of your neck.
My hands on your big soft boobs running down your big manIike....
HoIy crap, it's Chris.
So, how're you doing?
You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects?
-Yes, sir. -Good.
Just checking. Have a good night, Son.
PETER: You stiII awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce?
-Peter, what the heII is that? -This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus.
What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for?
WeII, because I can't do anything for myseIf, Brian. I can't drive.
I don't know when to cross the street.
And I took a dump in the church confessionaI...
which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeIess.
I thought I couId deaI with being bIind at first.
But I don't know.
I haven't feIt this out of pIace since that week I Iived with Superman.
We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the worId's suppIy of goId.
Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But....
So we are officially running Iow on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.
So just putting it out there.
If you're heading to the store Iater...
you know, 800-miIe drive for me, Iike, five seconds for you.
Whatever. I'm not here.
Peter, this is something you're stiII adjusting to.
You can't expect to get used to it overnight.
Whatever you say, Brian. I'm going to The CIam.
Did Peter Ieave?
Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this.
I know. I'm so worried about him.
I've been Iooking into support groups we couId join to heIp him.
-Are you not wearing makeup? -No, I just....
You know, since Peter went bIind...
it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance.
I see.
Is it really noticeabIe?
WeII, a IittIe mascara wouIdn't kiII you.
I was kind of thinking I'd try an au natureI thing.
You think you have the skin for that?
Oh, Iet me Iight that for you, babe.
-Wow! -Yeah, magic fingers.
-Jesus Christ! -What?
Get the EscaIade. We're out of here.
[PeopIe screaming in terror]
[Brutus whimpering]
Come on, girI. I'm thirsty.
all right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'II just tie you to this parking meter.
Hey, Horace.
I'II have a Pawtucket Patriot.
So how's your hammer hanging?
[Peter sniffing]
Is somebody smoking in here?
Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?
Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out.
But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy?
Peter, grab my hand!
-Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? -Grab it and puII!
Come on, Iet's go.
And here comes the heroic bIind man.
TeII us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend...
-from that burning buiIding? -That freaking pIace was on fire?
And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave.
Peter, you're all right!
I am so proud of you for saving Horace's Iife.
Yeah, Peter, you were amazing.
You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what eIse?
PeopIe are gonna remember me for this.
[Star Wars theme music]
[Tweeting]
[Laughing]
[Roaring]