(clucking)
(squawking)
(crowing like a rooster)
(choking cough)
# It's a mad, mad, mad...
(car horn sounds repeatedly)
(tyres screech and horn blares)
(horn still blaring repeatedly)
Whoa!
Did you see the way he went sailing right out there?
- He just went sailing out there. - It was terrible. Just terrible.
- He must've been doin' over 80. - An ambulance. We oughta call one.
- Oh, look at that car! - He must've gone by you doin' 90mph.
I wasn't doing... He was passing me!
- I never saw such a crazy guy in my life! - Let's get down there!
- We're goin' down there. - Russell, remember your condition.
Achhh...!
Boy, the way he just sailed out there!
Look out, look out, look out, look out.
- There's nobody in the car! - Huh?
- What do you mean? - There he is!
Holy smoke!
- How about that? This guy is still alive. - Is he hurt?
Maybe we oughta call an ambulance.
I don't know how he survived, the way he went sailing right out there.
Look, I'm not a doctor, but I have some medical experience. I'm a dentist.
Do you think you're hurt... real bad?
Is he kiddin'?
Hold on. We'll get you to a hospital.
You move me, I'll break up in little pieces.
But what a deal!
Look, there's this dough, see?
There's all this dough! 350 Gs!
Do you hear what I'm sayin'?
350 Gs!
In the park, in Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park.
Just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.
It's in this box, buried under this...
(coughs)
...buried under this big W.
You'll see it! You'll see it under this...
...under this big W.
You can't miss it! A big...
...a big W!
And it's been there... it's been layin' there for 15 years!
- We oughta get him outta here. - He's very sick. He may die.
Listen. I tell ya I'm givin' it to ya.
And don't let 'em kid ya. Don't let 'em kid ya.
Don't let 'em give you the business, see? Because it was mine, and I paid for it.
Paid for every lousy buck of it! Ya hear?
But watch out. Watch out for the bulls.
Lousy, stinkin' bulls are everywhere.
Bulls all over the place.
You just drive down and dig it up.
Dig it all up! (coughs)
And then... And then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up.
Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighbourhood.
See the fellas, the dames...
The dames, all with a big hello...
...a big hello for old Smiler.
"Good old Smiler."
"Everybody's friend."
Everybody's...
- Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it! - Holy mackerel! Take it easy, mister.
Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle!
Please! You gotta say it!
You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!
For heaven's sake, tell him!
It... It don't make any difference.
That guy is dead. You better believe it.
Oh, I believe it. But if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gettin' outta here.
- Boy, what a routine he went through. - Somebody oughta cover him up.
Don't look at me, pal. All I got is this sweater.
Never mind. I got a blanket in the truck.
- D'you think it was true, what he told us? - No, he was just ravin', man. He flipped.
Hey, this must be the police. You think we oughta tell 'em what he was talkin' about?
No. They'll ask us questions. We'll be here all day.
- We gotta be in Vegas this afternoon. - I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma.
My wife and I are on a second honeymoon and...
My wife is up there with her mother, and we're on our way to Lake Mead.
What's all the arguing about? We'll just clam up...
...and this way, we get outta here.
Uh, are you a police officer? I...
Yeah!
- How long ago did this happen? - About five minutes ago, Officer.
Did any of you actually see it happen?
- Well, uh, he passed me on a curve and... - Did anybody actually see it?
Well, he was passing me when he sailed right out there. Right up there.
- Who was the first down to him? - Well, we all... (all talk together)
Was he dead?
Was he already dead?
I said, was he already dead when you got down here?
Practically.
He was still alive? Did he say anything?
Did he say anything before he died?
- What about? - What do you mean, what about?!
Did he say anything or didn't he say anything?
Well...
- He... - He was raving, Officer.
- What about, raving? - He said... What he said was sort of...
- It was sort of... - Embarrassing.
What was? Come on, come on.
He thought that this fella was his aunt.
- His aunt? - Yeah, his Aunt Belle.
He must've had an aunt named Aunt Belle.
All right!
Did he make any kind of statement? Any last messages?
- He didn't make that clear, at all. - No, he didn't make anything clear.
- Look, Officer, can we get going? - Just a minute, just a minute.
I'd better get your details, just in case.
My wife and I don't know where we'll be...
I don't know if we can stick around. We're doin' Las Vegas.
We don't know how long we're gonna stay or...
I got this van of furniture. I gotta get to Yuma...
Be reasonable, Officer. We stopped to help the guy. We was too late.
- So let us get outta here, OK? - We've got our own lives to live.
- Like, we ain't had breakfast yet. - All right, take it easy.
I'm gonna have to get your name anyway.
Hold it.
Me?
- Why? - In case the coroner wants a statement.
J Russell Finch, 2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.
I won't be home for a couple of weeks, but you can get me through my office.
- Where is your office? - The Pacific Edible Seaweed Company.
It's in Fresno. You can call me through my secretary.
- The ambulance is on its way. - On its way.
- Is he dead? - Yeah.
We'd better shift those cars from the curve.
I guess that's all we can get from this group. Thank you, gentlemen, very much.
Well...
There's an unexpected twist for you.
They're not gonna like this down at Santa Rosita.
- Culpeper's gonna scream. - Yeah.
- Say, we'd better get our story straight. - What story?
He woke up as usual. He started driving. He stopped at a place for breakfast.
He went to the gents. He climbed out the window.
So what? Not even Culpeper will say we should've been in there with him.
The thing that got me was the way he went sailing right out there.
If I have to climb much more, I'll be layin' down there with him.
Poor soul.
(all) Well...
Melville, what happened?
We couldn't do anything. Just nothing we could do. Come on.
(older woman) Well?
- It was a terrible thing. - Oh, Russell, I feel sick.
- Easy, honey. These things happen. - What kind of an attitude is that?
The whole country is full of people who, when these things happen...
...say "These things happen." That's why they happen!
- Let's try not to get upset. - Come on, Russell.
We gotta have control of what happens to us!
If we left it up to you, we'd never hear the last of it!
- (woman continues to rant) - (Russell) You're right, you're right.
And do you know what all those halfwit morons up in Sacramento do about it?
They just sit there, with their big feet up on their big desks...
...and milk 15 million people of as much graft as...
Listen. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've gotta say something.
- What's the matter, Melville? - I'm watching something.
Hey, Benjy, turn around. Sit still. Play it straight.
They can't kid me. They all went for it.
Yeah? So what are you gonna do now, huh?
I want you to tell me everything that man told you, word for word!
But do you think he really meant it?
Monica, I don't know about anybody else but some of 'em believed it...
...like those two back there.
Don't look over there!
I know where it is. It's under a big W, he said. Under a big W.
Like a windmill or a waterfall or something.
Ooh, I hope it's not under a waterfall.
Please, think of something that starts with a W.
Wealth.
Which.
Where. Work! That's it: Work. I gotta work on where it is.
Dr Carroll said Russell was to have no undue excitement...
...for two weeks because of his condition.
That's why we came on this trip - so Russell could just relax.
- He should have told the police. - What's the police got to do with it?
- Mother, they were chasing the man. - Why shouldn't they? He was speeding!
- I'm only thinking of Russell's condition. - His financial condition.
Because that's the only condition that he has.
Emmeline, do you know exactly why your husband had a nervous breakdown?
It's because he has sunk $40,000- including $15,000 of my money -
...into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat!
And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4 a can!
- Yeah, but... - Yeah, but what?
Most people like it, and I like it, and I'm workin' hard to keep the cost down.
Yeah, like the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming!
- Mother! - Emmeline, shut up!
- But, Mother... - And you too!
Maybe he was playing some kind of a trick on everybody.
- He might have been a practical joker. - Oh, Monica... Practical...
What kind of a man would play a practical joke on complete strangers...
...with every bone in his body broken?
- Watch! Watchtower! - No.
- Wall. Walnut tree! - No, no!
- Walnuts! - No!
- In bags. - No!
Why are we doing only 35? Step on it and see what happens!
- Mother. - They'll all see what we're doing.
- Go ahead. What have you got to lose? - Mother, he's not that good a driver.
Aha.
Aha!
Gonna leave the big boy behind, huh?
(tyres screech)
What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
It's no use. We can't lose 'em this way.
Oh, the inside of my stomach...!
What's that idiot in the truck tryin' to do?
What is he doin' back there?
I bet he's runnin' out of gas. Good!
- What happened to you? - Havin' trouble with your engine?
- What'd you do, run out of gas? - Did ya bend your tailpipe?
Oh, no. It was just one of my tyres.
I thought... Aw, shucks.
OK, so I was tryin' to... Oh, rats.
Look, I think we're making a very big mistake.
- I absolutely agree. - So?
- It's silly, running around like this. - We're gettin' nowhere.
He's right.
So why don't we just discuss this thing and reason something out calmly...
- I'm with you. - Fine.
...and we can come to some conclusion.
- Yeah, let's do that. - (car horn)
Yeah. That way nobody'll have an advantage on one another. It's fair.
- We better get the cars off that curve. - Yeah. Let's talk over there.
- OK. - Fine. See you over there.
Over there. Over there.
You're through to Homicide.
Santa Rosita Police Station.
Detective Division? I'm connecting you now.
Santa Rosita Police Station.
Detective Division. Matthews.
No, Sheriff, the chief isn't here. He's a little late this morning.
- So I'll stay late after school. Who is it? - Sheriff, Crockett County.
Oh? That's where the Smiler is. I wonder if anything happened.
Gertie, will you put that call through here?
How about a little coffee, Schwartz?
Hello, Sheriff? Culpeper.
- Did he make a break? What happened? - Afraid we got some bad news for you.
- Grogan's cashed in his chips. - He what?!
Crashed his car about 20 minutes ago.
He was makin' a break, all right.
Well, how did it happen? Where did it happen?
On 39, about 18 miles east of Danby Junction...
... and 9 miles west of Valley Center.
Were there any witnesses?
A few people went down to see if they could help.
- Was he killed outright? - I don't know, but I can find out.
Yeah, do that. See what they said.
Thanks very much, Sheriff.
Well, a great way to start the day.
You wait for 15 years to solve a really important case, and just when you get...
It's all right, Chief. I'll get it for you.
He did it again.
(heehaws)
(Culpeper) Get that fella's number!
Get that fella's number! Get his number!
(siren)
(police radio) ltem: One large furniture van. Item: One red Volkswagen...
- It's them. - Call it in.
2-1-6-2, 2-1-5-8. Say, we just made all four of 'em parked along the side of the road.
They're just standing there talking. Over.
(Sheriff) Sammy, let that ambulance go. And stay by the radio.
The man said there was a certain amount of money buried in this park.
That's right. It was under a big W.
- Say, what is a big W? - If we find out, we'll send you a wire.
(Benjy guffaws)
It's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth.
And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away.
I suggest that we quietly get into our cars...
...and drive down there at a safe, sound speed...
...keeping each other in sight of each other.
And when we get there, we dig up the money - if there is some money there -
...and if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner.
- He's got a point. - I think we should go to the police.
- Why the police? - It's OK. She's with us.
Now what's with this fair shares for everybody?
Look, ma'am. We arrived in four vehicles. We should split it up in four quarters.
Quarters? What are you talkin' about?
You three each get a quarter, and Benjy and I have to split a quarter?
- That's right. - What are you tryin' to pull?
- It seems fair to me. - Naturally it'd seem fair to you.
- It just cheats us, that's all! - $350,000 divided by four is...
- It's... 87,500 bucks. - Sure, that's what it is.
So you three would get 87,500 bucks and Benjy and I have to split it.
Five of us were at the wreck. We should split it five ways.
- He's right. We should split it five ways. - I'm perfectly willing to discuss five ways.
Five shares, each share would be 70,000...
70,000 bucks?! Holy mackerel!
Do you realise how many loads I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma to get that?
- You're overlooking one little thing. - Yeah.
- What little thing? - Yeah. What?
Can't you count? There were eight of us there!
- Yeah. There were eight of us there. - My wife and I would be happy with...
You'd be happy with two eighths instead of a quarter? How big of you.
Hold it. Let's just put it back the way it was before.
Either one quarter for each car, includin' the van, or one fifth for each guy.
- One quarter or one fifth. - Just because this old bag...
How dare you?!
Chief, we got a situation here that is absolutely incredible.
- Now, Smiler Grogan... Remember him? - Oh, yes.
Smiler Grogan spent the night here. See?
He made his break this morning, he drove up this way...
...got to here, where he crashed and killed himself.
But before he died, some people stopped to help him.
And they are now stopped here, talking.
I think they're arguing about something.
And a Crockett County unit has got 'em under observation.
Now, we give shares to everybody and for everything.
Now, there are eight of us. That's eight shares for that.
Then there were four vehicles. Four shares for that. That's 12 shares already.
Then five of us went down to the wreck. We give five shares for that.
So that makes it 17. Right?
Now we add the same number of shares as there were people in each vehicle.
That's three for your group, two for yours, two for us and one for you.
That adds up to 25 shares.
Now, 25 into 350,000 is... $14,000 per share.
Now, that would mean you would get three shares for being three people...
...one share for the car, one share for looking at the wreck...
...and three shares for being three people in the car...
...which would give you a total of eight shares, giving you $112,000.
And that covers everything - including the emancipation of women!
Wait a minute. As I understand it...
...I got one share for bein' one person, one share for goin' down the hill...
...one share for the truck, and one share for bein' a person in the truck.
But no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else.
Look, let me explain it once more.
Their group, those three of them, they get 112,000. Right?
Those over there, them, they get 97,000.
We, us, we get 84,000.
And you, by yourself, you get $56,000... alone.
- And that's tax-free money. - What do you mean, tax-free?
I mean, if we go down to this park and we uncover the money and we...
I'm sure he's not gonna declare anything. I know he's not gonna declare anything.
And I'm not gonna declare...
What are you talkin' about, declare it?
I mean, it's like nontaxable income. It's like a... like a gift.
But sure, if we find the money, we still have to report the taxes.
Otherwise it's stealing from the government!
Oh, brother. Look, can you explain it to him, please?
Who, me? Well... see, if we find the money...
...there may be no taxes to pay on it, just because we did find the money.
- But what he was trying to say is... - Listen, everybody has to pay taxes.
Even businessmen that rob and steal and cheat from people every day.
Even they have to pay taxes.
I give up. Anybody got a fairer plan, go ahead.
There were eight of us there, so that simply means eight shares.
- Three for us, two for you... - Aw, this is hopeless!
We're gonna get noplace listening to this old bag.
Lady, are you tryin' to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?
- And every woman for himself? - One more remark from you, buster...
- Let's get outta here. - Please don't argue.
Look! We figured it 17 different ways. And every time, it was no good.
Because, no matter how we figured it, somebody didn't like how we did it.
So now there's only one way to figure it, and that is...
...every man - including the old bag - for himself!
So good luck, and may the best man win!
Right! Except you, lady. May you just... drop dead!
All right. We all agree on that.
Now let's be sensible about this thing.
There's money in this for all of us. Right?
There's enough for you, there's enough for you...
...and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
Ooh, Melville, my shoe!
Get in the car!
2-1-5-8, 2-1-6-2. Four cars under observation now passing this checkpoint.
Lead car is the Plymouth station wagon. Next, the Ford van...
... the VWand the Chrysler lmperial convertible, all doing about 50.
- Yep. They're on their way. - (Culpeper) Going in the same direction?
That's right. And, according to my boys, they're all on reckless drivin' charges.
None of those people must suspect for a minute that anybody is interested in them.
Sheriff, will you call Captain Hardesty and see how many helicopters we can have?
Well, I'll see what we can do and I'll call you back.
Now, where have I always told you that the Smiler hid the dough?
- I know, I know. - Where?
Right there.
That's right, yeah.
So, if these merrymakers decide to go for it...
...they'll go to the crossroads and turn south.
But why did Smiler head east when he made his break...
...if the money is down here somewhere? - Oh... Aloysius!
The guy was just bein' clever.
Five'll get you ten: They go to the crossroads and turn south.
You got yourself a bet.
Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we near...
That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.
- Are we near Oregon? - That's 700 miles from here!
Don't pass him, Ding!
Ding, you're gonna lose your licence.
We're the ones with the Imperial and we're running last?
I can't pass 'em on the curves.
Oh, go on. Go ahead. Look, there's a space.
What are you waitin' for - an engraved invitation?
(Finch) Get over! Get over!
(tyres screech)
(car horn)
I said it before and I'll say it again:
I didn't wanna move to California.
- Did you find it yet? - I can't find it anywhere.
Look, you take the wheel. Give me the map.
It must be here. Right over here! Valley Center! There's an airfield marked...
Melville!
- Pull it off! - Get it off me!
(Benjy) Don't go in there! Swing over! Watch out!
- Take it off! - Get it off!
I've had enough!
- They'll hire planes. - Never mind. Let's go.
- But they'll be there hours before... - I said never mind! Let's go!
Nobody's gettin' me up in the air.
(crash, bang, shatter)
I wanted to give 'em reasonable shares. No. They wanted every man for himself.
Now I'll show 'em what kind of a man they're dealing with.
(bang)
It's stalled, Benjy. We got dust in the carburettor.
(engine fails)
Boy! When the people who own this stuff see this, I sure hate to think what...
Never mind, never mind.
Here's the bike. Get to a phone and hire the best car that you can find.
But... this is a girl's bike!
This is for a little girl!
I've got to put all this stuff back and lock up the van.
We'll put everything away. Will you please hurry?
OK.
I gotta admit...
...I feel kinda silly.
You know what I mean?
Well, will you take us or won't you?
- For $250, I guess I will. - Good. Then you take care of the plane.
We'll leave our car here and get it tomorrow. I'll give you a cheque.
- Cheque? - A traveller's cheque. Bank of America.
- Oh, boy. - Hey!
- Are you a pilot? Is there a plane around? - Right both times.
- Where's an airplane? I don't see any. - There's only one, and we've chartered it.
- You made a deal with them? - Right.
Is there anywhere we can charter another plane?
- The nearest place is in North Valley. - Where's that?
On the other side of Valley Center, about 12 miles, 15 miles. Excuse us.
Filibuster! Filibuster!
Stick around and watch us take off.
Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.
I hate you so much that I'm not able to tell you how much in front of your wife.
- And vice versa! - Why, you...!
- (Benjy screams) - Come on over here! Come on over here!
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Had an accident?
- Anyone hurt? - No, but we've got to get to a phone.
- Can you give us a lift? - A lift?
Of course! I should be absolutely delighted!
Oh, upsy-daisy. I'm afraid you caught me on the hop there.
- Madam, do be careful of the cactus... - Oh!
I say, I'm most frightfully sorry.
You see, I've been gathering some samples of desert flora.
- Where shall I put this? - (sniggers) Oh, boy.
- Good morning. Good morning. - Morning.
It certainly is. Look, we've got to get to a phone.
Of course. With pleasure.
I say, jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard?
Harvard? Oh, rather not. I'm English.
- Sounds so foreign. - Really?
Oh, we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Algernon Hawthorne. Colonel.
- You're a colonel? - Well, lieutenant colonel, actually.
My name is Finch. This is my wife and this is my mother-in-law, Mrs Marcus.
Oh, do stuff those things in the back, will you?
Cactus is rather a hobby of mine.
Spent the last ten days gathering some for my collection.
Nothing spectacular, actually.
Cereus, Echinocactus, Opuntia, and that sort of thing.
Been enjoying a spot of leave from Vandenberg.
- From what? - Vandenberg. The missile place.
Been attached there for the last ten months. Liaison work.
All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.
That sort of thing, you know.
Please, will you look at the road?
Yes. Whoosh-whoosh.
- Don't stop! Keep moving! - Mother!
- Shouldn't we stop... - He's the lout that ran into us!
Keep moving!
Melville, I just won't fly in this old... Listen to it!
Just look at how it's shuddering!
Can't we just go on with our second honeymoon and forget all about this?
Honey, please. Darling, believe me, everything is all right.
You think I'd take a chance with you?
If there was any danger in flying in this... This is a plane that's really built...
Look, when was this plane built?
- 1916. - 1916.
1916. I mean, these planes are tried and true.
There's nothing experimental about these planes.
So come on! Let's have one big adventure!
Come on! Get up there and have some fun! Come on, here we go.
(engine splutters into action)
But haven't you got another car that we... What?
Oh, all right. Thanks.
Are you sure you can't rent us that truck out there? I'll pay.
I told you, mister. We can't. This is our first week open.
How could we do without our truck? We're in business.
If we tell the Englishman about...
How can you admit we're involved in anything so hideous?
- He'll say he's entitled to a share! - He would be if he drove us there.
And if we don't tell him all about it, he won't drive us there.
Oh, you're such a genius.
Listen! Only ten per cent! There's no reason why he should expect any more!
Thanks for stoppin'. Listen, can you give me a lift?
What's with the little kiddy bicycle? Are you some kind of a nut?
No. I had an accident. Look, I gotta get to Santa Rosita fast.
- I can't help you. I'm turning off soon. - Wait a minute. Let me just think.
I gotta tell somebody. Look, can you spare a couple of hours?
Couple of hours? You've been out in the sun too long. You're startin' to crack up.
No, wait a minute. Listen. Just hear me out.
Now, what I'm gonna tell ya, you just ain't gonna believe it coulda happened.
But there was an accident a little while back, about 20 miles back.
It involved $350,000.
Like I say, when I tell you this, you just ain't gonna believe it coulda happened.
Well... try me. I'm pretty gullible.
(engine falters)
What bothers me is this big W. Are you sure you told me all you know about it?
You don't know what that guy meant by the big W?
No, but none of 'em know. It's just who gets there and first.
Well, what do you say? Is it a deal?
Deal!
(starts engine)
Oh, you better get that bike outta there. Somebody might trip over it in the dark.
(tyre bursts)
(car horn)
Fellas, I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help.
I had this blowout. The spare may be a little flat. Take a look at it, will you?
Is there an airport near here?
If the spare is flat, don't fix it. Gimme a new tyre.
Ain't got a new tyre? Then fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it.
You can be gassin' up while he's workin'. What is it, a staring contest? Come on!
The pension in my grade...
...has not been up one red cent since 1934!
Now, Al...
...if the mayor will get behind a resolution...
But I can't put any pressure on the mayor.
You can. You can, Al! That's the whole point!
This case I'll have finished by tonight. It's one of the biggest cases we've ever had.
I want you to tell the mayor about it.
Tell him! Tell him the money is right here where I always said it was!
Right in this neighbourhood!
And tell him what credit is gonna be reflected upon the department!
Now, come on, Aloysius. Get in there and pitch a little for me, will ya?
Well, I can try.
Yeah. And he'll listen to ya.
And if he gets behind this, it'll pass unanimously.
Now, you know... you know, Al, I got it comin'.
Well, I'll do everything I can.
- You know that, don't you? - Yes.
Now, there's just one other little thing about... No, nothing. Vacation.
Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way, my desk is clear.
I'd like to take a three-week vacation. Take Ginger on a real nice holiday.
- Is that all right with you? - Of course it's all right.
Thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.
- And you won't forget about the mayor? - No, no. I'll do my best.
I promise you that.
Aloysius, I'll never forget you for this.
You know, Al, I got a feeling this morning that everything's comin' my way.
(AI chuckles)
Sylvester!
(scream)
- What on earth did you do that for? - Mummy!
Do you have to scare everybody out of their wits?
Why didn't I think? We've been running around like lunatics, and all the time...
Why didn't I think about Sylvester? He lives on Silver Strand Beach!
- Hey, I never thought of that. - Who on earth is Sylvester?
My son. Emmeline's brother. He's a lifeguard there.
I'm not at all certain that you haven't damaged this machine.
Oh, kid, don't polish it. This is one of a fleet of cars. Don't bother.
You did a good job. You boys have a drink on me. Keep the change.
- Will you let me get out of here now? - You!
Oh, no! It's that lunatic who escaped from the asylum last night!
Watch him! He's a homicidal maniac!
Get on the phone! Yell "mayday" on the phone!
Listen to me. I'm a psychiatrist. This man is insane.
I'm not your nurse. He has a hate complex. Calm down, calm down.
So, somebody'll stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark, huh?
Well, when I finish with you, they'll be stumbling over you in the dark!
Get on the phone. Get on the phone!
Look, I was clowning.
Sir, wait! You got this... Why don't you stop... Get some...
- I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! - I'll buy you a new bicycle!
- Look, mister, you got this... - (growls)
Don't take it so... Will you stop...
Get out of... This is too much.
Look, gimme a break. He's crazy!
Ray!
Get outta here!
Stop that! Stop that! He's crazy!
Hey, very good. Quick thinkin'. I'm proud of you, kid.
Now tie him up and I'll have a couple of orderlies come by with a straitjacket.
- Very good. - I never saw anything.
Hey, how many people has he killed?
Don't be morbid. Just tie him up until the boys in the white jackets get here.
You did a real good job. Very good. Look me up. I'm in the book. Dr Zilman.
- Sir, we've just got to get to Santa Rosita. - This is a club. We don't do charter work.
Hey, whose plane is that over there?
It belongs to Tyler Fitzgerald. But he's not going anywhere today.
- Is he here? - Mr Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.
He's... asleep. Nobody can talk to him.
- Can we just ask him a question? - (phone rings)
No, you can't!
Hello. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Come on, Benjy. That must be Mr Fitzgerald over there!
- You can't disturb Mr Fitzgerald. - We just wanna talk to him.
- Let him rest, please. - Mr Fitzgerald.
- Shh. - Don't shush me. We wanna talk to him.
Just a moment. Wake up, please, Mr Fitzgerald.
- (snoring) - I think he's got a cold.
No, Mr Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.
We hate to disturb your sleep, but this is an emergency.
You have no right to crash in here.
(coughing)
- Oh, that's a head cold. - Mr Fitzgerald, listen.
You know Rosita Beach? You're the only one who can get us there.
- And it's a matter of life and death! - Yes, a matter of life and death!
- Our grandmother is dying. - Who's dying?
Our grandmother is dying and she sent for us.
Yeah. She's in Rosita Beach, see? She's dying, and we're up here...
...and she'd kinda like to have us be with her when she goes.
Otherwise, she won't go.
- Oh, she'll go, but... - Sorry, sir. They forced their way in.
No, we didn't. Let me introduce myself. I'm Dingy Bell. This is Benjy Benjamin.
- How do you do? - Oh, stop with that already!
Look, sir. We'd like for you to help us out by taking us down...
- What's the matter? - Wait a minute. Just a minute!
- Yes, I... I can't see. - What?
Something's happened to my eyes. I... I... I can't see.
- You can't see? He can't see. - Must be an eye cold.
- George... George, I can't see! - One minute, Mr Fitzgerald.
I can't see! George... George, I...
Aaarghhh!
Mr Fitzgerald!
We wanna make sure he doesn't get loose.
I'll kill that dirty, rotten bum when I get my hands on him.
What's the matter? How come I'm all tied up like this?
- Just sit there. Everything'll be all right. - Friends will come and take care of you.
What friends? What are you talkin' about?
- Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose. - Take it easy, pal. You've been sick.
Who's been sick? And where's that bum with the glasses, huh?
Now just sit still because the doctor's gone to get help.
What doctor? I don't know no doctor. Are you guys crazy?
I'm warnin' you, get this stuff off me. Understand? Get this stuff off me!
- Watch him. Ray, watch him! - I'm warning you...
I'm gonna have to hit you again!
Ow! Argh!
(lrwin) My arm! You broke my arm!
(grunts)
Now, fellas, you keep this up, and I'm gonna get sore.
OK. If that's the way you want it, that's the way you're gonna get it.
Oh! Put me down!
I'll kill ya!
- Help! - He's ruinin' our place!
Come on, Ray.
- (Ray) You better get outta here, mister! - Leave us alone!
Aargh!
- Uh-huh. There you are. - (Ray) What are we gonna do?
Dr Zilman! Dr Zilman!
Aaaargh!
Help! Put me down! You put me down!
Put me down immediately!
- Aaargh! - If that's the way you want it...
...you're gonna get it that way. - He-e-e-elp!
- Ray! Are you all right? - I'm fine. I'm OK.
Listen, guys. You're gettin' outta line. I've had all I can take.
Irwin, we're gonna have to kill him.
- You ready? - Ready.
- Set? - Set.
(both) Cha-a-a-arge!
(# cavalry charge)
- He's goin' nuts! He's really nuts! - Go away!
You better get outta here, mister!
I mean it! I don't wanna...
Irwin, what are we gonna do?
Go away! Go away!
Aaargh!
(grunts)
- (phone rings) - # Got a baby who
# Can give me 31 flavours
- # And we like tutti-frutti best - # I call him ice-cream Joe
- (phone still ringing) - Ha-ha!
Go! Go, baby, go!
# ... his lips are kissing mine, he gives me 31 flavours
- # And we like tutti-frutti best - Yeah, yeah!
(phone still ringing)
# He's my confectionery ice-cream Joe
# Every time I kiss him I feel mighty fine
- # I love his 31 flavours - # And we like tutti-frutti best
(song pauses)
(song continues)
- Ha-ha... ha! - (phone still ringing)
- That's it, baby. Go! - # He gives me 31 flavours
# And we like tutti-frutti best
He's gotta be home! He never gets up this early! Why doesn't he answer?
I hope you won't mind my asking this, but what sort of chap is your brother-in-law?
He's a nut. Why?
I hope he's not like my brother-in-law. Peculiar chap.
- Secretary of the golf club at Pangbourne. - So what about him?
I was just thinking that if Reggie - that's my brother-in-law -
...if Reggie got hold of some information like this...
...it's likely that would be the last time...
...that anyone would ever see or hear of dear old Reggie, what.
I doubt very much whether old Reggie would be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.
Cheers.
(Ding) Hey, Tyler's probably still in the shower.
Tyler! Hey, there he is!
- Tyler! - Hey! You promised!
Hey! I'll wake him up.
- Tyler! Tyler! - Huh? Argh!
Wake up. Tyler, wake up.
Come on now!
Get outta here! Argh!
Mr Fitzgerald!
If you think I'm gonna let an un-American foreigner slander my flesh and blood...
- We'll see about that! Stop this car! - (brakes sharply)
- Really, madam! - Mother, this is awful!
- So we'll see! - Mother, what are you doing?!
So you don't even trust your own brother-in-law.
- If my boy is out, then everybody is out! - Look, we don't even own the car.
- You have no right to do what you did. - Right? You talk to me about rights?!
- Mother... - You address me on the subject of rights?
Trouble? Having any trouble?
Yes! And we don't need any help from you!
Well!
- Mother, please! - Bah!
This is too much. Give Mr Hawthorne the keys or we'll never get there.
Bah! Too bad!
Madam, I must say that I find your attitude somewhat less than helpful.
What's all this got to do with you, if you don't mind tellin' me?!
Well, if you have quite decided to withdraw from this affair...
...I might reasonably expect you to return my keys so that at least I could press on.
You keep outta this! Now, for the last time, are we gonna call Sylvester or not?
No, we are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester...
...is an irresponsible, unreliable, loudmouth, no-good bum...
...who, if he isn't a crook, it's only because he hasn't the brains or ambition to be one.
I say, good show!
Now, if you wanna come with us, come with us. But you don't have to.
But you've got to give us those keys...
...or you'll force us to take 'em from you! - Hear, hear!
Give us those keys. I don't care where you have them, I'm gonna get 'em.
- How dare you? - Give us those keys.
- Give us the keys. - You take one more step towards me...
- I'm warning you, you're gonna be sorry. - I've waited for this for years.
You're gonna get it, but good!
- Emmeline! - Emmeline, stay in the car!
Russell! Don't! Mother!
Let me down! You two'll be sorry!
Russell, you wouldn't! You couldn't! You shouldn't!
Let me go! Let me get outta here!
I got 'em. I got 'em. Here they are.
I'm sorry we had to do it, but that was the only way.
Don't hit Hawthorne that way! Ow!
Now, madam, please!
You forced us. You forced us.
I'm sorry, but you forced us. Now do us a favour. Will you get back in the car?
- Get away! Don't touch me! - We had to do it.
- You saw it, honey. - Russell, let me go!
Just wait. You can't manhandle a decent woman!
You're gonna go to jail for assault! I'll sue you for everything you've got!
- Take your hands off my daughter! - If we are going, we must get cracking.
- Russell, how could you? - We had to do it.
- Mr Finch. - Please, don't go. We'll be right with you.
You see, we had to do it. She made us.
Let's forget it. Let's be reasonable.
- He's gonna leave. Please get in the car. - Not me.
We are wasting so much time. Give me the keys.
(engine splutters)
(car horn)
The cars are going faster than we are! Can't you make this go a little faster?
Wide open, I can. But wide open eats up a lotta gas.
Then open up wide. I'll pay extra for the gas.
- That'll cost you about $50. - OK. I'll pay when we land.
- Now. - I gotta pay now?
- Now. - All right, I'll pay you now.
- Melville... - What?
A bug! Get him off! Argh!
- Hey! Take it easy! - (squeals) Get him! Get him!
Hey! You're breakin' up the airplane!
- Is it down there? - (stamps foot)
- You're breaking the floor! - (rip)
- Argh! Help! - Melville!
None of these ten people have any record at all.
Yet we could book 'em for withholding information, causing accidents...
...reckless driving, theft, three cases of assault and battery...
- Captain Culpeper? - Yeah? Got my home?
Yes, sir.
Sheriff, excuse me, will ya? Another call.
Take the sheriff.
- I'll take it in here. - Transfer it to Captain Culpeper's office.
- Hello. Ginger? - Daddy? It's Billie Sue.
Oh. Let me speak with your mother, will you, sweetheart?
(Ginger) Well?
Ah, dear.
Tell me something, Ginger. How does it feel being married...
...to the most brilliant personality in the law-enforcement industry?
Are you referring to yourself?
Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock.
- When I tell you what has happened... - So tell me! I've got this biscuit dough...
The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
The what?!
Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
The tuna factory robbery.
The case I've been talkin' about for the last 15 years.
Now listen. All I want you to do is make all the necessary preparations...
...for a little flight to Hawaii, Sunday morning.
- So what's the gag? - It is no gag.
Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?
(chuckles)
Flight 7, Sunday morning.
- Are we takin' Billie Sue? - No!
It's just the two of us, for about three weeks.
We're gonna celebrate, Ginger.
My feeling is that, after 27 years... we've earned it.
- What's the matter? - I need help. Could you give me a lift?
My wife is sick. The doc sent me after some medicine, and I just ran out of gas.
Yeah! Get in!
(both) You?!
- Wait. We're in trouble. - Everybody is. Get out of the way, lady.
We didn't want to leave you back there. It was my son-in-law and the Englishman.
What Englishman? Will you get out of the way?
Look, you leave us here and you know what you're gonna get out of all this?
- Nothin'! My daughter and I will get it all! - Yeah? How?
I'll call my son. He lives 10 miles from Rosita Beach.
He's gonna drive there and get the money, and we're gonna have it! That's how!
I was gonna offer you a share, just for takin' us to a phone.
But since you're not interested, we'll just wait for another car.
We're makin' a mistake. We better go back for my mother-in-law.
- Go back?! - Yes.
- You're not serious? - Don't you see?
She'll phone my brother-in-law. He'll get there first. The rest of us won't get a dime.
You can believe that.
But look here. Even if she does get all the money...
...surely it won't affect our agreement.
She wouldn't break her word. I'd still be entitled to ten per cent as agreed, surely.
Surely(!)
Come on. Let's go.
- Operator. - Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.
And then that dirty, rotten, slimy bum double-crossed me.
When I get ahold of that smart aleck, what I'm gonna do to him!
If you're there, I just hope that you turn away, that you just look the other way.
- Well, did you get him? - Maybe he went out for the papers.
- We can keep on tryin'. - Just supposin' we never do get him.
We just might be the last ones there.
Just a minute. Just a minute!
Down there? You must be kiddin'! It's too steep!
I drive my jeep down here every day. Let's go!
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
You can turn around here. I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.
Yeah, yeah. Swell.
Hi, Eddie.
I gotta get outta here. Ask your father to come and show me.
There must be a way to get outta here!
Come on! Hurry up!
I could show you a way out. There's another way around to the road.
Another way to the road? You know another way? Good. Come on in. Show...
Look, show me how to get outta here, I'll give you a dollar.
- Three dollars! - Three?! Why, you...
Yeah, all right. I'll give you three dollars. Come on, hop in the car.
Hurry, will ya, kid? I gotta get outta here!
- They're gone. - Well, they got a lift.
We only passed a few cars and they weren't in any of them.
Somebody must've taken them the other way. Let's go back to where we phoned.
That's miles in the wrong direction. Besides, we can't be sure they'll be there.
I don't know. I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
Look, surely the most sensible thing is for the two of us to press on!
For all we know, your brother-in-law may be away somewhere.
And even if he were the first there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he?
Now, I earnestly recommend that we press on with all possible dispatch.
(mimics) We'll press on with all possible dispatch.
And I don't really think that personal rancour is going to help the situation...
...if I may say so.
OK. Come on, hurry up. Let's go.
We're here. We got here first. Let's go.
Come on. I gotcha, I gotcha. I gotcha.
Attaboy, baby. We made it. We're here first.
Take care of my car until we get back.
Come on, let's go. Come on, baby!
Over there?
There?!
Down there?!
That'll be $2.90.
Here's $3, keep the change, but wait for us, OK?
Oh, sure!
Come on. Let's go.
- We're closed. It's 12 o'clock. - They're closed.
Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
- Mr Dinckler's inside. - Dinckler! That's it. We'll get Dinckler.
Aha!
Downstairs! Come on! It must be here someplace.
Down here.
Look for a pick and a shovel. Right? A pick and a shovel. Must be someplace.
That's all I need.
A pick and a shovel. I found it!
Got it.
I got it! I found it!
Ohh.
I've no wish to quarrel with you...
...but, as a representative of Her Majesty's armed forces, I take exception...
You want me to tell you somethin'? As far as I'm concerned, the British are finished.
If it hadn't been for lend-lease, giving you billions you never even thanked us for...
...the whole phony outfit would've sunk under the Atlantic years ago.
- (brakes sharply) - Hey. What are you stopping for?
- Get out of this machine. - Get out? I can't...
It's my machine. I'll do as I bloody well please! Out!
I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today.
If I've said anything about England, I apologise.
Glad to hear you say so.
I must say, if I had the misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country...
...I should be most hesitant in offering any criticism whatever of any other.
Wait a minute. Are you saying something against America?
Against it? I should be astounded to hear if anything could be said for it!
It's the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilisation!
Look at how your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop.
American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves.
They die from coronaries as their women sit under hair dryers eating chocolates...
...and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.
And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms!
In all my time in this wretched country, what has appalled me most...
...is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms!
They've become the dominant theme in American culture.
In literature, in advertising, in everything.
I'll wager you anything, if American women stopped wearing brassieres...
...your whole national economy would collapse overnight!
F- 7. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let 'em out? Over.
How the hell did they get locked in a basement? We'd better let 'em out.
That ain't fair.
It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
They got themselves in there. They oughta be able to get themselves out.
After all, if you help them, you're not bein' fair to the others.
But the moment anybody gets to where they're goin', we'll pick 'em up.
- So what's it matter who gets there first? - It's a race, ain't it?
Why do you wanna help that dentist?
I'm pullin' for that other guy - Pike, with the furniture van.
The rules oughta be the same for everybody. Otherwise it just ain't fair.
(Culpeper clears throat)
Central to F-7.
No. We'll leave 'em where they are. See what happens.
Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Are you happy?
(yelling)
I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Make us some old-fashioneds.
- You think you oughta drink while flying? - Stop kidding and make us some drinks.
Just press the button back there marked "booze".
It's the only way to fly. Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Estimated speed, 1-7-5.
We'll never be able to keep up with him.
Better have some of the other units intercept. Over.
- Hello, Ginger. What's the matter now? - It's Billie Sue.
Her new boyfriend Oscar was gonna come down from Pomona just to meet us.
So now she called him and told him we were goin' away.
- What's the matter? - You forget, if a girl is 6ft 5in tall...
... she's bound to have special problems.
They had some argument, and then they started screaming at each other...
... and now the engagement's off and she says she's leaving.
Leaving what? Leaving home?
- Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone. - I'll try. Just a minute.
- Talk to your father. - I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever.
Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
(# church organ music)
(motor being started)
(crashing)
(# slow jazz)
(Sylvester grunts along to music)
(phone ringing)
Ooh! Yeah! Ah...
(phone still ringing)
Oh...
Ah...
You hear bells, baby?
- Yes? - (Mrs Marcus) Who is that? Who is that?
Who's that?
I want my son. Hey!
Who is that?
I wanna speak to Sylvester Marcus.
- Sylvester. - Yeah, baby?
- It's your mom. - (chuckles)
Good old Mom.
Hello!
Sylvester? Sylvester?
- Is that you, Mom? - Of course it's me.
- I've been tryin' to get you all morning. - I've been busy, Mom. I've been...
I've been workin' and I didn't hear the phone.
Hey, hold on a minute, will you, Mom?
Baby, how about a can of beer, huh? Man, I feel like...
Sylvester, listen. Something's happened.
There was an accident this morning. A man got killed.
- Who got killed? Hey, are you all right? - Now listen! Pay attention.
- Sis all right? - Listen!
- What's the matter, Mom? - Can you hear me?
There's a fortune in cash, and you can get it before anybody gets it.
- But you've got to hurry. Do you hear? - What's the matter? What's goin' on?
- Are you all right? - Of course I'm all right! Sylvester!
- Are Russell and Emmeline with you? - Forget about Russell.
Will you just shut up and let me talk?!
- Mom, what's goin' on? Where's Russell? - Don't even mention Russell!
- When I tell you... - Just tell him about the dough, will ya?
You keep out of this! Shut up!
- Sylvester, just listen. - What did Russell do?
He assaulted me, if you wanna know. He grabbed me right beside the road.
He and this Englishman I don't even know!
Mama, who's with you, and where are you?
I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.
And shut up so that I can tell you what happened!
Listen, Mama. Listen to me close. Stay right there, cos I'm comin' to get you.
- Shut up and listen! - Mama, everything's gonna be all right.
Your baby's comin' to get you. Just relax, take it easy.
- Sylvester! - I'm comin' to get you, Mama.
It's gonna be all right.
Well?
So he's comin' here, and I'm not to worry about a thing.
Because everything is gonna be all right.
Exactly like your father! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
The burglar alarm.
We just throw it on, people hear it, they come, and we're out.
Now don't be frightened if it makes a big bell noise.
All right? Here we go.
- I don't hear anything. - Neither do I. There's no bell.
Look at it! It just stands there!
Wait a minute.
Stand back.
Burglar alarm. Burglar alarm!
The stupidest burglar could get in here and take everything, and we can't get out!
There you are! Come here!
(grunts)
Melville? Melville!
Even if you do get the bell to ring and somebody comes...
...what about the damage?
They're the ones who locked us in!
This thing has gotta work!
(both scream)
Oh, no!
Please help me, Monica!
Oh! Please help me!
- Don't make them so sweet this time. - You've had two already.
- Can't you wait till we're on the ground? - All right, I'll make the next batch.
- You take the controls. - I don't know how to fly an airplane.
Well, there's nothing to it.
- But Benjy can't fly! - Nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.
Now, here. I'll check you out.
Put your little hands on the wheel. Now you have it!
Now the feet on the rudder. You got it? There you are.
Who says this boy can't fly this little plane? There you go.
Now I'm gonna make an old-fashioned the old-fashioned way, the way Dad used to.
- What if somethin' happens? - What can happen to an old-fashioned?
Benjy, I know you don't know what to do or anything, so don't do nothin'.
- I won't do nothin'. - I tell ya, that boy's a natural-born flyer.
Wait a minute, Benjy. Benjy, ease back on her.
- I'm easing! - Ease back on her, Benjy.
- I'm tryin'! - (plane nosedives)
All kidding aside, it's making me...
...nervous!
Hey! We've had an accident back here!
(car horn)
Oh!
It's good that truck pulled over. I can't stand this any more.
- Pull yourself together! - You were ten feet over the line.
(clunk, squeal of tyres)
(groans)
Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it?
- Right! Stick 'em up! - No, no!
Come here, you coward! Come here, you yellowbelly!
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
Blood!
It certainly is.
Argh!
Come back here, you b... limey!
Oh, you wanna play dirty, huh? OK!
D'oh, d'oh, d'oh... Ooh!
Foul! Foul!
You're not much good without that horrible mother-in-law of yours, are you?
Ow!
Hey, come on, fight!
- I'll kill ya, I swear! - Oh, no! Stop! Please! No!
- No, please! - Yaaargh!
(crash)
- Hello! Hello! - Don't shut the motor off!
I'm not gonna shut anything off. Hello! Can anybody hear me?
- I can hear you. - I don't care if you hear me or not.
- Look, I don't know if we're on the air. - Mayday! You gotta call Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! We're up here! Can you hear us? Help! Help!
- Benjy, say something. - Help!
He-e-e-elp!
Hello? Billie Sue?
- Billie Sue, where are you? - I'm at the bus station.
I only called because Mommy said...
Now, Billie Sue, sweetie, what are you doing in the bus station?
I'm waiting for the bus!
- Your wife is on the other phone. - (Billie Sue sobs)
Ginger? Now listen. I've got Billie Sue on the other line.
Billie Sue, just wait one minute, will ya?
- Ginger? - I'm here.
Ginger, can you hear Billie Sue? She's crying.
- Billie Sue? - She's in the bus station and she's crying.
But she's waiting for you to tell her. Billie Sue, are you listening?
- Billie? - Are you listening to your mother?
- Billie Sue, your mother is speaking. - Listen to your mother, sweetie.
- Billie Sue? - Billie Sue, listen to your mother!
Listen, everything that's happened to my daughter and me today only happened...
...because you didn't look where you were goin' and wrecked our car!
Oh, yeah?!
- Get outta that truck or I'll throw you out. - Please, Mr Pike, don't get upset.
You're not gonna do anything. Drive on, you big, stupid idiot!
Mommy, you've nothing to worry about. Your baby's comin' to save you, Mama!
- Oh! Wait! - (Emmeline) Mr Pike! Mr Pike, please!
- Let me go! Get away from me! - Mr Pike! That isn't nice!
Mother! Oh!
Somebody help me!
(yelling)
Your baby. That's why you had me, Mama. To save you.
(Mrs Marcus) Argh! Somebody help me!
Emmeline! Ohhhh!
Here you are! Ha-ha!
It's nearly burnt through. A few blows with the sledgehammer, and we're out!
Agh!
Hey! Wait a minute!
I can't cross here!
You said the main road! This is Niagara Falls!
All right, look. You're a little boy. If you wanna be a big boy...
...which way to the main road?!
Oh. Ooh. Don't!
- It's no. The answer is no. - (arguing on phone)
He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it.
And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why?
Because they got a solid majority of Republicans and Democrats to agree...
...that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension.
Why? Because they know that you were more responsible than anybody else...
...for closing down the houses.
And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Bah!
All right, so you're an honest cop.
And you've spent a lifetime bein' an honest cop.
And you've got that, and that's all you've got.
Ah, it's no good saying I'm sorry.
I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.
(Billie Sue) You're not even listening to me. That's the trouble with this family!
Melville, I smell something burning.
Agh...
(both cry out)
We are on fire!
Come over here. Come on. Go down.
Hurry up!
- Put it out! - I don't know how! Get somethin'!
- There's extinguishers! - Get one!
- What do I do? - Use it!
Not on me! On the fire!
It's too deep! This is a car, not a canoe!
Come on! It's easy!
If I don't get outta here... Why? Why?
All right. All right! Here I come!
It's too deep! It's too deep, you little ratfink!
Why didn't you tell me it was... What do I...
Don't stand there! Get somebody! This is no place for a convertible!
I'll get ya! I'll get ya!
Aaaaarghhh!
I'm bleeding, Emmeline! Look! I'm bleeding!
My mama! What did they do to my mama!
(both) Ow!
Benjy!
(Ginger) It's your father's fault. It's all his fault.
(Billie Sue sobbing)
What's the matter, Chief? Somethin' wrong?
(Billie Sue) Mom, will you listen and stop yelling at me?!
(Ginger) Billie, you're not listening.
(Billie screaming and sobbing)
# Or whatever is your hobby
# A drink, a smoke, or repeat some joke
# From the mad, mad, mad, mad world!
(# theme music plays)
(whimpering)
Now stop it. Stop it, Monica!
It's only a couple of pieces of small dynamite.
And they're 70 feet away in the other room.
And this is a strong counter. We can't possibly get hurt from there.
Please, Melville, go and stop it. Stamp on it. You know how I hate explosions.
Look, all I wanna do is blow a little hole in the wall, and then we'll be outta here.
Something's happened to the fuse.
- What could possibly have... - Hold it. Shh!
Listen.
The fuse has gone out. I can't hear it any more.
- Stay down. Don't get up. - I just wanna take a look. OK?
Huh! Oh, now I see.
It's the fire-extinguisher stuff. It got all over the fuse and put it out.
Melville, don't go in there. You'll be killed. You'll be blown to bits!
Monica, for heaven's sake! I just wanna go in there to take a look!
Why do you always imagine I can't do things for myself?
Don't you think I got any sense at all? Can't you have a little confidence in me?
(firecrackers snapping)
(shooting sound)
- (Benjy) I'll never be bad again! - Who told you you could fly?!
How long have I been flyin'?
- Keep it going! - Can't you talk to that radio?
Hello, anybody on the ground. Anybody? We're up here. Can you hear us?
(sirens)
Stand back, folks. Stand back.
This is Rancho Conejo Tower. Do you hear me?
Aircraft calling Rancho Conejo Tower, this is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Hey, Benjy, I got 'em. I got 'em. I got 'em!
Hello, down there on the ground. This is us, up here in the air!
We're in trouble! We're in an awful jam! Listen.
Hello?
Benjy, I think I lost 'em.
Wait a minute. You're not using that set right. Press your switch in to transmit.
When it's released, you're on receive.
Can you understand me? This is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Where are you and who are you? Over.
I know how to work it now, Benjy boy! Watch it.
Hello, down on the ground. This is us, up in the air. Listen.
We're in this fella's plane. He knocked himself out...
...because he drank a case of bourbon and he fell down and hit his head.
- What do we do? - The switch! Let go of the switch!
If you can, give us your position. Who's flying the plane? Over.
What do ya mean, who's flyin' the plane?
Nobody's flyin' the plane.
Sir? Tower here. Emergency.
Tell him we're gonna try to talk them down.
We're gonna try and talk 'em down, sir.
It's a Twin Beech. There was one here this morning. Who's got a Twin Beech?
Colonel Wilberforce. He was over at Maintenance. Get him over here, fast.
Rancho Conejo Tower. Don't talk. Just listen.
We're getting things under control.
We know what plane you're in, we can see you and we're gonna talk you down.
Rancho Conejo. Over.
(Ding) Up here to Rancho Conejo. We can't land this. We're in real trouble. Over.
You'll be perfectly all right as long as you follow instructions.
The man at the controls should have the radio.
- Here. Put 'em on. - No! I don't wanna!
Benjy, put 'em on! He said the fella that was flyin' should be talkin' on this.
I have to do everything? You want me to fly the plane, work the radio...
What are you - the hostess?!
He's gotta take charge of this!
- What's the matter with him? - He's sittin' in there, rigid-like.
If he catches you at that keyhole, you'll be rigid-like.
- He said he didn't want to be disturbed. - He keeps lookin' at the wall.
He'll have to be disturbed if anything develops. I'll bet you we could get...
- Everything's under control, Chief. - Hm?
- Are you OK, Chief? - Hm?
Yes. Why? How's everything going?
Oh, something's bound to happen soon. Take a look at this.
Those two in the basement started a fire and set off fireworks, but didn't get out.
Those two in the airplane had a little accident. Knocked the pilot unconscious.
Now the control tower at the airport is tryin' to talk 'em down.
The others? Aerial report that the man Otto Meyer had a little accident.
He was tryin' to cross a river and he lost his car.
Now he's on foot, walkin' back to the main road.
This fella Pike, he's about here on 94 with Mrs Marcus and her daughter, Mrs Finch.
Mr Finch and this Algernon whatever his name is, the limey...
... they're about six miles behind in an Avis Chevrolet that they rented at Canyon City.
And Sylvester Marcus - the one the old lady called -
... he's about here, going in the other direction.
They all oughta be meeting up in about five or ten minutes.
You know what I believe I'd like?
A chocolate fudge sundae, with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
Dingy, don't let this worry you: We're gonna get killed.
Men, this is Colonel Wilberforce speaking.
These gentlemen here have asked me to take charge of this situation...
... so I immediately said that I would be glad to, uh... take charge of it.
Now, before I say anything else...
I don't think he's gonna help us, Dingy.
Yes, he is, Benjy. He'll help us. Just have confidence in him.
He's a colonel. Listen to him.
Steady, men.
I'm told that neither of you has had any flying experience.
And before I say anything else, I want to congratulate you on having done so well.
Uh, so far.
Now, first of all, men, I'll explain what we intend to do.
You can't land the airplane until you've made your approach.
And you can't make your approach...
...until you've made a long, slow turnaround down to the south.
And we've got to be clear on a few things before you can start that long, slow turn.
Now, the stick that you're holding there... Uh, that is, I assume that...
Men, are you holding that stick? Is somebody holding that stick?! Over.
(Benjy) What stick? Oh, the wheel! I'm holding it. We're both holding it!
Oh, good. For one second, I was afraid...
Never mind. I'll explain the controls. It's important for you to understand them.
- Because if you don't, I'm afraid... - (plane drowns him out)
- Do you want a lift? - Yes. Thank you very much.
It's awful nice of you to stop. I'm just going as far as Santa Rosita Park.
- Oh, that's out of my way. - We're blocking the traffic. Move it.
- Let's move it. - All right.
There we are. Just go and hide behind the counter and I'll light the fuse.
Melville, would you do just one thing for me before you use the dynamite?
Try hitting the door just once more.
Oh, honey, I broke my back on that door. That's a hard door.
OK. Where's the sledgehammer?
Hey, this staircase isn't safe. The fire burnt it all out.
Please?
All right.
Are you gonna be...
(Monica screams)
Melville! For God...
Melville!
Monica... now let's forget about the door, huh?
- Look out! - What?
- They've spotted us. - Who have?
- Don't stop drivin'. Keep goin'! - What is it?
- That helicopter. They've seen us. - What helicopter?
- That's a police helicopter. - Yeah. They always use 'em.
- Who do? - Who do you think?
Look. I don't wanna talk about this but I gotta. They got me hemmed in!
- Who have? - Will you shut up and listen?
I'm gonna break a rule that says we must never reveal our true identity.
But this is a desperate situation.
- What is? - Will you shut up and listen?
I haven't got much time. So if you love your country, if you're a patriot...
...you'll listen hard.
I gotta get to a phone, and you gotta make a call to the Central Intelligence Agency.
- What on earth...? - Listen!
You tell 'em that you heard from X-27. You got it? X-27.
X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life today already.
Can you handle a gun?
Now look. Ah! There's a cafe. Pull in. You'll use that phone.
- I don't think I wanna get involved. - Shut up! You're in no danger. Pull in.
Now get to a phone, tell the operator "emergency priority" and ask for the CIA.
All right. Jump out.
Come on! You're in no danger! They don't know you! You're all right!
I'll duck the car and come back for you.
For God's sakes, don't stand in the street. They'll spot ya! Move it! Go! Hut! Go!
Sylvester! It's Sylvester! Turn around, you idiot!
What do you wanna stop him for? He's goin' the wrong way.
It's my son. Do as you're told, stupid.
They're nuts! Call in and say the tow truck turned around and is followin' the Dodge.
2-1-7-1 to 2-1-5-9.
This is stupid. You call me a stupid idiot?
Let me tell you - you're a stupid idiot.
- But he'll go all the way to Plaster City. - So he goes all the way to Plaster City.
I'm turnin' this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him, you get out and run.
Let's stop arguing, please. We're only together because they only had one car.
Let's get there, even if we are last.
Whatever the outcome of the day, I shall never forget...
...that you hit me when I wasn't even looking.
Yeah.
Hey, Russell! Russell!
- How can you possibly be so slow? - I've had just about enough out of you.
- You should've turned around quicker. - Why don't you shut up?
Russell! There! It's Russell and Mr Hawthorne!
- Stop 'em! Catch 'em! - Are we gonna start that again?
Faster! Step on it! Blow the horn, ya big dope!
- Why do you want these guys anyway? - You gotta keep up with 'em!
Go faster! Mother, it's Sylvester!
Well, stop him! Don't let him get away!
(car horn sounds repeatedly)
I say, what's that chap honking his hooter for?
It's probably some road hog who thinks he owns...
- What?! - What?
I gotta ask you somethin' about Mama! Russell, wait!
It's my brother-in-law! What's he doin'...
Be careful of him. He's not normal.
You're getting me... Boy, are you buggin' me, man!
When I get... I'm gonna nail... Ooh! I'm gettin' bugged now! Whoa, man!
(car horn)
Russell, if you don't pull over, I'll kill ya! I'm warning you, pull over and stop!
I said stop! All right, you asked for it.
(all yelling together)
I said stop! Are you crazy? We'll get killed! Pull over!
Don't you know what I mean? I - said - stop - that - car!
When I get my hands on you, Russell, I will kill you!
Aaarghh!
Aaarghhh!
I've never seen anything like this bunch.
He ran right into 'em. He ran 'em right off the road!
- You guys come outta there! - (Algernon) The fellow's beside himself!
Sylvester, what are you trying to do? Let's go.
- What did you do to my mother?! - We wouldn't harm your sweet mother.
- Move! - What did you do to my mother?!
I didn't do anything! Let me explain!
Now look here!
She phoned me. What she told me was so horrible, I thought she'd gone nuts!
- But it was true, wasn't it? - No. Whoever said that, she was a liar.
- It's not true! - It is!
Now look here!
- Are you English? Just answer me! - Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
- Why? Don't you like the English? - (roars)
She said that you and an Englishman... I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya!
- Sylvester, don't choke me! - What did you do to my mama!
Emmeline!
- Sylvester! - Mama!
Why couldn't you listen?
Why couldn't you shut up? I was tryin' to tell you to listen!
Have a care! That chap's run absolutely amuck!
Very soon we'll have them in position.
Very soon, men, we'll have you in position.
- You're doin' a great job, Colonel. - Thank you.
Why don't we just shoot 'em down?
None of these people must suspect...
...that they have ever been under observation.
Now, none of them have ever seen me. None of them know me.
So I'll be moving in alone.
The minute I move in, I'll give you the word.
And when you pass the word...
...I don't want to have another policeman within miles of me.
- Right? - Right.
I, uh...
I won't like it...
...if I see another policeman.
And I give you my word, I wanted to stop for ya, my wife wanted to, he wanted to.
But my mother-in-law made us drive by you.
Anything you'd have to say about her...
...you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean?
It's like if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
(car horn)
Yeah! That's him, that's him!
Wait till I get my hands on you! When I catch ya, I'll kill ya, ya dirty robber!
Someone you know?
- I'll drive. All set? - All set, Chief.
- Culpeper. All set? - Yes, sir.
Airport says they're starting a landing approach now.
Right.
What's the matter, Chief? You forgotten somethin'?
No. I don't think I've forgotten a thing.
Now... Now, men. About the brakes.
You've got to know about the brakes. I'll tell you in just a minute.
Just hold it a minute. Just be patient.
What the hell's with this wire here?!
Just hold it a second, will you?
What was that? Men? Now look.
Be calm. This is it.
Just one minute more and it'll be all over - I mean, it'll all be over.
I mean, courage, men. We're all with you down here, every second of the way.
We're all pulling for you just as hard as we can.
So now just hold on to your nerves, men. Don't get excited or do anything foolish.
But just keep calm. That's all we've gotta do, men. Keep calm. Calm, men!
- (plane dives) - Not that calm, you idiot!
(both) Aaarghhh!
Pull up! Pull up!
Now don't worry. Just keep calm.
- (whistles) - What's this?
- What's this comin'? - That's good. Cement.
- What?! - It's smooth.
- Wait a minute! Hold it! - Whoa.
What are you doin', Benjy? Wait! Wait!
- Hey! Were you tryin' to scare me?! - No!
- Well, you did! - Whoa!
Just a couple of sticks of dynamite, that's all.
How much noise could it make?
Boom - and it's all over.
Get it over right! Get it over...
Left rudder! Too low! Up, up!
No! Left rudder!
No! No, no, no!
Help!
Aaargh!
Help! I'm the Colonel, you know!
Help! Help!
We're not gonna land, and we'll never make it!
What do you mean, we'll never make it? Don't freeze! Benjy! Benjy, don't freeze!
This one's gonna work.
- Damn it! Come to! - You hit me!
Listen! We've got... Hey! Wait a minute!
We're down!
- We're on the ground! - Hurray!
It's just a noise, that's all. It's way over there.
- Put on the brakes! - OK. Where are they?
- Benjy! Here comes a restaurant! - Aaargh!
(screaming)
We've landed! Come on!
Come on. Hurry. Hurry up.
- Come on. - Hey! What about him?
Never mind him. There must be an ambulance around. Let's go.
(siren)
Hey! Hey, cab! Cab!
We're in a hurry. Do you know where State Park is?
- Sure! What happened? - We had an emergency landing.
Come on, hurry! Quick! Let's go! Come on, get in, Benjy!
(arguing in Chinese)
Aaargh!
Oh. Excuse me.
Excuse us. Here's your bag.
You see, the lock didn't work.
Let's go.
The owners will pay for everything. Next door - he'll pay for everything.
Hey! You people! Come back here!
Come back! You... you vandals!
The cops in this town are morons. Retarded!
I'm dealing with moronic people.
Cos he's in a bad humour, that fat nazi! What I gotta suffer because of him?
- Get away! What's the matter? - Are you free?
Can't you see I'm talkin' on the phone?! Huh? Gimme two minutes!
Now listen to me, sir. I...
Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park?
What happened to you two? Some kinda initiation?
We had an accident. Hurry up!
Benjamin and Bell stopped at a gardener supplier's and bought picks and shovels.
Oh, hold it, Chief. Here's a report on the Crumps.
Their cab has turned onto 101, moving south towards your present position.
Wait a minute. The other taxi's also... They're on 101 and are moving north.
- They're both moving in your position. - Understood. Stand by.
- They oughta be here any minute, Chief. - Uh-huh.
Look. It's those two idiots. The little one, and the one with marbles in his mouth.
- Hey! It's that hokey dentist! - Yeah.
- Pass that cab. - What's the rush?
- What do you mean, rush? - No rush. We wanna get there in a hurry!
Culpeper. Now.
Give the order to pull away.
Hurry, Melville.
- You don't want me to wait? - No. Here's $5.
- What's with the pick and shovel? - Mind your own business! Come on!
Hey!
- Think anybody else is here? - I didn't see any cars.
Hey, wait a minute!
- Let's talk this over. - I got nothin' to say.
Wait a minute! Do you think anybody else has been here?
- How should I know? Come on. - Wait a minute!
If we're the first ones here, let's make a deal, the four of us.
None of us knows where to look, so we'll look together.
We'll find it before the others.
Incidentally, where are all the others?
How come you two just got here? You had the plane.
Yeuch!
What happened to you?
They're up to somethin' funny, I'm tellin' you.
Now, did you see the blonde I brought?
Full of paint with her dress ripped. What's that all about?
Yeah! And what about the picks and shovels?
Now run on back to headquarters. Wait to hear from me.
- Let me go with you, Chief. - No. It might snarl things up a little.
Thanks for everything.
Lots of luck, Chief.
Hey, Benjy! Did you see anything, pal?
No, but there must be somethin' somewhere.
Hey, hey. Hey!
- Did you see anything? - Nothing.
Are you sure he didn't say something else and you've forgotten?
Look, he said it would be buried under a big W and that we'd see it.
- It's gotta be here. - I'll tell you what.
You go the way we came, and we'll go the way you came, in case we missed it.
Hold it.
You go the way we came, and we'll go...
That's right. OK, let's go.
They're lookin' for somethin' buried under "a big W". I heard one of 'em say it.
Yeah, I heard. But what?
- Hey! - (Ding) Did you see anything yet?
- No. Did you? - Nothing.
That guy hid it so good, I bet he couldn't even find it himself.
- Who's he? - I don't know.
- Well, he had a shovel. - Maybe he was a prospector.
- What do you mean? - We're wasting time.
- Harder! We gotta look harder! - Let's look harder. Come on, let's go!
- Who's he? - I don't know, but he hasn't got a shovel.
He's here! That's his car! Wait till I get my hands on that phony.
Somebody came in those cabs! Let's get movin', man!
- Let's get movin'. - They must still be here.
They'd better be! Come on, Emmeline. You're not just gonna sit there?
- You're not just gonna sit there? - Yes, I am.
Then sit, Emmeline!
Mrs Finch, aren't you the teeniest bit curious?
No, I am not even curious, Mr Hawthorne. Just disgusted.
Oh, I say, that really is a pity.
You'll forgive me, I must go.
(whispering) Hey!
(Mrs Marcus) You wouldn't know a big W if you saw one!
I don't think they've gotten here yet.
They're here somewhere, so they haven't found it.
You sure that guy just said buried under a big W?
- Actually, I joined the party after that. - Yes, that's what he said. Under a big W.
- (Finch) Let's look over there. - (Mrs Marcus) Shut up and follow me.
(bickering continues)
(still bickering)
- Who are they? From this morning? - Yeah.
- Who's he? - I don't know.
- Who's he? - I don't know!
Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
Mama, who are they?
Cabbies? Mama, this thing's like a convention!
Is anything wrong, ma'am? I didn't mean to startle you.
Who are you? Are you with the others? The ones that are looking?
- Well, I am, in a way. Aren't you? - No!
I didn't want to have anything to do with it right from the start.
And you know what? I know where it is.
I'm the only one that knows, and I wasn't even looking!
- You know where it is? - Yes. I don't know what I should do.
Agh!
- Come out, all of you! This is ridiculous! - I absolutely agree, Mrs Marcus.
We all know we're all here, and nobody's fooling anybody.
- So we all know! So what? - Don't talk to my mama that way!
- You hear? - You hear?
- (Mrs Marcus) Shut up! - We ain't the only ones here.
- I seen four or five other guys. - Yeah. Those two cab drivers.
- They came with us, and that dentist. - You wanna start?
- Yes, I wanna start! - Why are we wasting so much time?
We all know that we're all here, and even if somebody finds the money...
...nobody's gonna get away with it unless everybody gets a share.
So let's get sensible and get this thing organised!
- Did you all hear what Mama said? - Yeah.
Come on, Mama.
Now wait a minute. Did any of you... anybody see a guy with glasses...
...with a real sneery expression on his face?
I mean, this guy was ugly. I mean, like, real ugly.
And if you help me dig it up, you can have half and I'll have half.
Is that OK? I mean, is that fair?
Because if I have half of the money...
...I can go away somewhere where nobody can find me.
Not Russell, or my mother, or Sylvester - anybody.
You don't know what that'd mean.
Why, if I had enough money, I might even be able to live in a convent or something.
- In a convent? - Uh-huh.
Now, we all know that we're all here. Right?
It seems intelligent to me that we should all share in one equal share apiece.
- Is that right? - He's right.
- So we all know that! Look... - (clunk)
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah!
It's him, all right. Yeah!
You got this wrong! I came to apologise!
Forgive and forget! I'm your friend!
Oh, no, you got me... Oh, he's so neurotic!
- Can't you do something? - I'll get ya!
- He's very neurotic. I'm your friend! - If I get my hands on you, I'II...
Why, that's it!
Sure! Look!
It's the big W, I tell ya!
It's the big W!
Look at this! Look at it!
(all talk excitedly)
I'm sorry, Mrs Finch. I'm afraid it's too late.
I think they've found it.
Folks, isn't this great?!
Congratulations. Well done!
Listen. I think the big boy here should get an extra share from all of us.
After all, it was he who found it.
Yes, I insist. He gets an extra share.
- (Finch) Yes. He deserves an extra share. - Well, I...
- Let's start diggin'. - If somebody comes, what'll we tell 'em?
We could say we're here with an anthropological expedition.
We tell 'em to hit the road or we'll beat their brains in!
Well, it was a nice dream.
It lasted almost five minutes.
- Don't bug me, I said! - Tell him to dig!
(whispering) Faster. Come on, Sylvester. Dig, dig.
Faster. Faster.
Faster. Dig. That's it. Dig.
Faster.
Hey, come on. There's not enough room! There's not enough room! You two, out.
Wait a minute! There's not enough room!
- And you're buggin' me! - What do you mean, buggin'?
- Cut out. - What is this "cut out"?
- Out, baby. Out, baby, out! - Don't call me "baby".
- Quit arguing! - (all argue)
(digging continues)
- (clunk) - What's that? What was that?
It sounded like it hit a chest.
(all talk at once)
Scrape the dirt away. Get the dirt out of it. Use your hands.
It's a satchel!
- I got it. I got it. - Open it. Open it up.
Quick! Come on!
- (Benjy) Bingo! - That's it!
I say, chaps, shouldn't we find a spot of cover?
- No! There's nobody around. - Come on. Count it out.
- What are we waiting for? - Wait a second!
Everybody's gonna get somethin', so no arguments, cos we'll get an equal share!
He's right. That's the only way to do it.
Shares for everybody! Now, how many are we?
One, two, three, four, five...
...six, seven, eight...
...nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
...thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.
- Fifteen of us. That's fifteen equal shares. - Why, you dirty double-crosser!
- You cut yourself in twice! - You can't get away with that!
Grab him! Grab him! Get him!
You didn't cheat anybody but yourself because now you're out!
Listen. Listen!
You can't cut me out now! Not after what I've been through!
All right. OK.
I'm warnin' ya, if I don't get a share, I'm gonna go straight to the police!
- The police? - Look here, you rotter...
Yap yap yap yap! That money had to come from somewhere!
It come from that poor old man who died up on the mountain this morning.
- You wasn't even there, so shut up! - All right. OK. You asked for it.
I'm gonna go straight to the police!
Why would the police be interested, Mr Meyer?
Are you kiddin'? Isn't it obvious?
How do you think money gets...
- How did you know my name? - Do you know this crook?
Well, I've never actually met him, Mr Pike, but I've come to feel that I know him.
How do you know my name? I don't believe I've met you.
Yeah. Who are you? We thought he came with you. Didn't he come with you?
He didn't come with us. We thought he came with you.
- (Ding) No! - If he didn't come with you or with us...
...well, then, who are you?
I'm Captain Culpeper of the Santa Rosita Police Department.
- Will you come to the point? - I'm comin' to the point.
The point is that I happen to have enough stuff in my private files...
...stuff relating to civic building, road contracts, harbour and cannery projects...
Enough stuff to put you, the DA, myself and a two-thirds majority...
...behind bars for the next 20 years.
And I give you my word that that's exactly where everybody is going...
...unless certain things start happening now!
Like what, for instance?
I want the pension for Culpeper's grade trebled! Not doubled - trebled!
I want Culpeper to retire with honour.
I want it on paper and signed that that's exactly what's gonna happen...
...and I want that paper in my hands in 15 minutes...
...or I'll have all the reporters in town in here in 20.
Now, you know the word for this, Your Honour. It's called blackmail.
Sir, could you possibly see your way clear to... give us a break?
You kiddin'? Him give you a break?
We had a rough day already. We was all covered in dirt and fell down in a plane...
...and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.
I know we don't deserve any kindness, Captain, but...
...if you could help us, I'm sure we'd all be inspired to go on and live better lives.
Well, there is one thing.
I don't know whether it would help or not.
But... if, instead of my turning you in...
...you went and turned yourselves in...
...juries sometimes look very favourably on things like that.
You... You'd let us do that?
What are we waiting for? Let's turn ourselves in.
You're a fine human being, sir. After all, why should you care if we get a break?
Well, Mr Meyer, no matter what you've all done today, you're not really criminals.
So, if you like, you can all hop into those two cabs and drive over to Santa Rosita...
...and, uh... just walk in.
- Then let's do that. - But we can't all get into the two cabs.
You can't take the stolen vehicles. Those have to stay here to be picked up later.
Well, let's go before he changes his mind.
(all talking at once)
Drive carefully. They may be the last passengers you'll ever carry.
Oh, funny. That's funny. Funny, right? Funny?
You could be the most comical cop I ever met.
Yeah!
- Culpeper. - Yes, sir?
Everything is under control here.
It'll take a little longer because there was a joker that nobody knew about. Right?
Yes, sir.
So don't make a move of any kind until you hear from me.
Yes, sir.
Listen. Why does the man wanna give everybody a break? What's his angle?
- Yeah. I was wondering about that too. - Somethin' very funny is goin' on.
- How does he know what we'll do? - Look, we'd better do just what he said.
I'm tellin' ya, the man has got some angle.
- Wait a minute. Hold it! - What is it? Can you see him?
- So just what does he think he's doing? - That certainly is strange!
- What is he doing? - He's going the other way!
- Why are we standing here?! - (uproar)
Aaarghhh!
- Argh! - Holy mackerel! I almost didn't make it!
No other cops around. He planned it.
We knew where the money was. He was just waitin' to take it from us.
Yeah. But if we find the money first and turn it in, we'll all be in the clear.
So, let's just get the dough and worry about the rest later.
- Look! He's slowin' down! - No. He's gonna turn off to the left.
- What's goin' on? - (shouting)
Sorry, Jimmy.
(angry shouting)
Back it up! Back it up! Back it up!
He's headin' for the border! We should stop and call the police station.
You shut up! We're gonna get that money! Keep driving!
That woman is somethin' else!
- Take your foot off the brake! - Stop hittin' me! I'm drivin'!
- When you want a cab, you can't get one! - Yeah! Let's go! Come on!
- F- 14 to Central. - Come in, 14. What is it?
We think there's somethin' phony here. We're on 101 checkin' a mad-dog report.
Orders were to maintain silence. Captain Culpeper wants this channel kept clear.
We know it, but we saw Captain Culpeper. He just went by doin' 90 miles an hour.
I don't think I understand that, 14.
- Are you sure it was Captain Culpeper? - Yep.
- Was he chasing anybody? - Nope.
- Could he have been chasing anybody? - Chief, it's the mayor.
That's what struck us so funny. There were 15 people in two cabs behind him.
- It looked like they were chasing him. - They were chasing him?
Hey, what's going on here?
- I brought everything you asked for. - The pension?
- Call him. Try to get Captain Culpeper. - Yes, sir.
Calling Captain Culpeper. Central Division. Urgent.
Calling Captain Culpeper. Captain Culpeper!
- This could only happen in America. - Are you gonna start that again?
You've got to believe me! I'm going to be sick!
What's the matter with you? You trying to kill us?
Just don't make me nervous! Just don't make me nervous!
Don't let him get away! Head him off!
Head him off the other way!
Calling Captain Culpeper. Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.
Listen to me, Culp. Everything has been fixed.
There's been negotiation and everything is all right.
Cut out this nonsense and answer me.
This is Aloysius speaking.
I still don't understand this. What's it all about?
Well, that's it.
All units. Arrest Captain Culpeper.
Hey, there he is! There he is!
Get me out of here!
Just don't sit there. Come on!
Come on now! This way!
That's him!
- There he is! - Come on!
Stop pushin', will ya?
Wait a minute! We got him. Now you women stay here.
What do you mean, "You women stay here"?
You heard him, Mother. Stay here!
- Come on, let's go! - (Finch) Why do you push?
(shouting)
He came in here!
Is he there?
Wait a minute! Stop! Hold it!
Wait a minute! Listen!
Yes!
(Meyer) Watch what you're doin', will ya?!
(shouting and snarling)
Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!
Stop pushin'! Get the suitcase!
(woman) Look! Look up there!
...in this regard. And there is no doubt...
Hey. Hey!
He-e-e-ey! Those ladders are not safe!
Hey, the ladders aren't safe! Get off 'em!
Get it away! Get it away from him!
(screaming)
Sylvester, what are you doing up there? You must be out of your mind!
Hey, wait a minute! Get the suitcase!
(policeman blows whistle)
Get the money! Get the money!
(crowd roars)
Hand it over! Don't you dare touch that money!
(siren)
(Benjy) Hey, you! Don't stand down there! Get a net!
Russell, hang on!
(crowd cheers)
Hold on! Wait a minute! One at a time!
Did you hear me? One at a time!
(crowd screams)
All right. Well... All right. You'll see.
You'll see.
We'll get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy!
Wait a minute. You're steppin' on my head!
Get on the ladder. Get on the ladder!
Don't leave me! Come back here! You can't leave me!
We can't control it! There's too many men on it!
(yelling)
(screaming)
(crowd roars)
(crowd squeals)
(screams)
Hold it steady! Watch it! She's whippin' loose!
- Ohhh... - (falls down stairs)
Mama-a-a-a!
(crowd gasps)
Wind us down! Wind us down!
We're greedy! That's us! Greedy!
I don't want the money! Oh!
Get a net!
Get off! Get off! She's goin'! Get outta there, Tom!
Aarghh!
(crowd screams)
Aarghh!
Emmeline!
Mama!
(men groaning)
It was all your fault. It was all your fault, right from the beginning to the end.
You know, even for a policeman...
...your behaviour was ruddy outrageous.
You could've taken a fair share like the rest of us.
But no, you had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.
We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
14 into $350,000.
- (men moaning) - Shut up.
I wish I knew what they were gonna do to us.
But no matter what happens to us, what happens to you I hope will be worse.
I don't think you have to worry too much about that.
My wife is divorcing me...
...my mother-in-law is suing me for damages...
...my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed...
...my pension has been revoked...
...and the only reason that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly...
...is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at.
Aw, that's tough.
(laughs)
I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now...
...there'd be something I could laugh at. Anything.
Now see here, you idiots! It's all your fault! If you hadn't... Oh!
Mama!
Get away from me! Leave me alone!
(men laugh hysterically)
# It's a mad, it's a mad, it's a mad, it's a mad
# World!
Visiontext Subtitles: Doreen Trenerry