Nice playing, Will.
Thanks.
How you getting up there?
- Going by bus. - How long's that?
It's... five, six hours.
- How about some food? - No, I'm good. I'll see you.
- One to Knight's Ridge. - One-way or round trip?
- One-way. How much is that? - $48.
There you go.
OK. Gate 62. That way and turn right. Have a good trip.
That's it.
Oh, shit.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
No 'buca. What's the matter? No Sambuca this time?
- It's five in the morning, Kev. - Is that too late or too early?
You guys done for the night?
- Yeah. - Big storm.
- I didn't have any styrofoam. - That's OK. I'll bring 'em back.
- OK. - OK.
- Bye, Kev. - Yeah.
- I'll see you. - Bye.
- What? - The styrofoam thing creases me.
- What are you talking about? - First storm,
you'd think she'd get some styrofoam cups for, like, $1.99.
- I'll return the mugs this time. - Shut your fucking hole.
- The chick's married, Tommy. - No shit.
- She's not home. - Where is she?
- Banging that guy. - Buddy, she's sleeping.
I'll bet $20 she's banging that guy.
- Bad bet. - Bad bet? Why?
Either way, you lose. If you win, she's bangin' him.
If you lose, you lose 20 bucks. Not a smart bet.
- I can't believe her. - You really think she is?
- I know. - The meat cutter?
Yes. The fucking meat cutter.
What future can she have? He cuts meat!
- You plough snow. - At least meat you can eat.
- Why is he here? - He's an employee.
All right. I'm outta here. I'll see you at home.
- Don't go by Jan's. - I'm not.
- Hey. - You sand my lots?
- Yeah. Don't go by there. - I'm not. Just get my lots.
- He's going by there. - Without a doubt.
- Do I got anything in my 'stache? - You're clean.
Willie!
- Willie! - Hey, Mo!
- How you doing, man? - All right. Good to see you.
- Good to be back? - I've been back four minutes.
- You remember Cheryl and Michael Jr? - Wow, Mo, they're...
cute.
- Yeah. You still seeing that chick? - What do you mean by seeing?
- You're not engaged? - No.
Well, it's been... what, a year?
11 months, living together for six.
- She hasn't put pressure on you? - Depends what you mean by pressure.
Hey, kids.
- Hey, you psyched for the reunion? - Oh, yeah.
- It's great to be back. - The gang back together.
- Everybody's coming? - Oh, yeah, everybody.
I can't wait to show you the house.
Come over for brunch. Sarah'll make her waffles.
- Great. Thanks for the ride. - No problem. You OK with this?
Yeah, I'm OK. I'm fine.
I'm glad you're home, man.
- All right, see you. - See you soon.
- See you, kids. - Bye!
- Hey, kids. Who wants ice cream? - Me!
Hello, Dad.
- When did you get in? - Just now. Mo picked me up.
- Got a lot of bags. Staying long? - I don't know.
There's golf on TV. Would you like to watch some golf?
Sure.
Why don't you put your bags upstairs and come down and watch some golf?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey!
Oh, man!
- You just getting up? - Oh, yeah, man.
- Wild night. I got wrecked. - Yeah?
- You gonna be home long? - I don't know. We'll see.
- You see Dad? - Yeah. We're gonna watch some golf.
- You missed a hell of a storm. - Yeah.
Hey, when did the Ryans move out?
Ryans? I don't know. Last year.
Who moved in?
I don't know.
- They got a kid? - Do they? I don't know.
Yeah, I think so. They got a kid.
Yeah, I'm gonna take a dump, man.
- Hey! Willie C! What's up? - Paulie.
- You remember Elle MacPherson? - How you doin'?
Jan's banging some meat cutter.
- It started a month ago. - I heard you got the ultimatum.
Fuck that. What right does she have to do that?
- You've been going out seven years. - So what's the big deal?
- How old is Jan? - Don't start with me...
- She's 27. - 27. Maybe she wants to have kids.
So what? I wanna have kids, too, but what's the rush?
Kathy Lee Gifford just had a kid and she's 45.
- So who's this guy? - Victor the meat cutter.
You ready to puke? This guy's 40, divorced and has three kids.
So there's no way she's getting sperm from him.
Exactly. I knew you'd understand.
You wanna know what really creases me? Jan's a vegetarian.
- Right. - You see the hypocrisy?
Jan's a vegetarian. He's a meat cutter.
Oh, wow!
How can she live with a man who stinks of brisket?
Show time is 12:30 here on Sports Central.
- You're saying six...? - Six speakers.
- Hey, look who's here. - Hey! What's up?
- Hey! - It's Sharon. She's sleeping.
Listen, I'll see you in a minute.
All right.
- Hey. - Yeah?
- It's good to see you. - Good to see you.
Jesus.
You still seeing that chick? The lawyer?
- Tracy, yeah. - Tracy? What's goin' on?
- She's great. - And?
- What? - What's the deal?
- We're going through this stage... - They're all sisters. Trust me.
It's one big conspiracy. Leave it alone.
- You been playing piano? - Yeah. Nothing steady.
- Good money? - How they doing?
All he ever thinks about is Darian Smalls.
- Come on! Still? - Nothing changes around here, Will.
Every time Sharon sees Birdy thinking about Darian,
it's another pound when she looks in the mirror.
Have you seen her?
She's like one of those kids Sally Struthers feeds paste to.
- We need models. - What?
They're beautiful, rich, you don't have to spend much time with them.
Fuckers that date models, they got it made.
My next girlfriend's gonna be a six-foot-tall model.
Definitely.
A big one.
- Models. - I like those chicks.
Don't shovel much, do you?
- What makes you say that? - Your technique, it's sloppy.
- You live in a city or warm climate. - City.
You grew up here?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Don't visit much? - Nope.
- Mom dead? - You a cop?
No.
Yeah, my mother's dead.
I knew it. Your dad's kind of a sad guy.
Your brother is kind of missing that thing that having a mom gives you.
It's a lonely house you got.
What's your name?
- Marty. - As in Martha?
As in Marty, named for a grandfather I never even knew - Martin.
So now I'm Marty. Just Marty. A girl named Marty.
It is the bane of my existence.
- How old are you? - 13, but I'm an old soul.
So why did you come back?
Well...
My high school reunion.
- Heavy. - Yeah.
- So what's your name? - Willie.
Willie, I like your 'burns.
Thanks.
- You're kinda cool. - How do you mean?
I don't know. It's just a call. You don't think you are?
I...
I, um...
No, I... I think I am.
You are... I think.
- Yeah? - Maybe not.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, I'll see you around...
Marty.
Are you Victor? Excuse me, is your name Victor?
See who's here?
- Shit. - Are you Victor?
I'm looking for Victor the meat cutter.
I hit a cow and he could slice me some steaks.
- It's a waste to let it rot. - You're not funny.
I'm serious, Jan.
I don't appreciate you burying my driveway like some obsessed lunatic.
- OK. That's fair. - What do you want?
- I wanna give you this. - What is that?
- It's a rump roast. Come on. - Paul...
Come on. At least open it.
- I really don't think I should. - Do you believe this?
See what a man has to go through for love?
It's beautiful, Paul. It's lovely.
- It's brown. - Champagne. It's the newest thing.
It's not brown.
- Champagne? It's beautiful. - Thank you.
- So what are you doing? - I can't take it.
- Why not? - I can't.
- Marry me, Jan. - No.
- "No"? Just like that, "no"? - No.
- Jesus Christ, Jan! - You're so selfish.
Selfish? Let me explain something.
What's in this box constitutes 30 driveways. Selfish? I think not.
We're taking some time. This screws everything up.
- Paul. What are you doing? - Chip, cut me some slack.
- You're making a spectacle. - It's her fault.
Jan? Outside.
- Look, take this ring. - I got customers, Paul.
- Jan. - Paul.
Take the fucking ring!
- That's romantic! - You sucked the romance out.
This is the desperate act of a desperate man.
Only when faced with losing me do you decide to do this.
So? I didn't like the alternative. That's how one comes to a decision.
Wrong. One comes to a decision based on what one wants,
not what one doesn't want, got it?
I got customers.
So how's everything at home?
It's all right. It's a little weird.
Dad's parked in front of the TV all the time
and my mom's clothes are still hanging in the closet.
- So what did you do Christmas? - The tiki lounge gets real busy.
- Come on. What did you do? - Went to Pennsylvania with Tracy.
- Met her parents. - Was it good?
- It was all right. - Right.
How's Sharon?
Sharon? She's OK, you know?
Well, she's actually not that good, you know...
What about the other thing, the other situation?
Oh, Darian? It's over.
- It's over? - I mean it's practically over.
Wait, it's "practically" over?
Well, I mean it's... practically over. It's over.
Listen, how come you never came down that weekend? I had the whole thing.
You know, I got busy and... I had to stick around, but...
What about spring? I'll come see you this spring.
Now I know what I'm doing this spring.
Hey, Stinky Womack re-opened The Johnson Inn.
You wanna go by, maybe,
- grab a beer or something? - Yeah. Great.
- Hey, what's up, Tommy? Who's that? - Hey, Stinky!
Hey, Willie!
Hey, watch the Stinky stuff. I'm a proprietor now.
- Sorry, Stinky. Nice job! - Yeah, huh?
We got a new bar, little fireplace, menu, apps.
- Apps? - Yeah. Appetisers. We got apps.
He's the proprietor. He's got the lingo down.
Willie! Willie C!
- What's up? - What's up?
You all right?
Scoot over.
- What's got him creased? - This.
- What is it? - It's a diamond.
- Fuckin' thing's brown. - It's champagne, the newest thing.
- What? - It's a trend.
- Frank, two beers. - You're so uncultured.
Champagne. It's a nice stone, Paul.
I heard about this. They're trying to create a new market.
Oh, right, yeah. They were calling it "piss" but weren't moving any units.
- What's with you? - What?
- How much did you pay? - What difference does it make?
What difference? Diamonds are colourless.
You buy a coloured diamond for a girl you're not even seeing.
- You been eating retard sandwiches. - I don't need your shit.
- I think you do. - Fuck you, Mr High Horse.
You're like a human Geraldo episode.
- What does that mean? - Guys...
You got one broad destroying her marriage, one destroying her stomach.
- You just watch hockey. - Don't push it.
What are you gonna do? Beat me up after class?
This ain't high school any more. The legend's dead.
- The legend can still fuck you up. - Bullshit!
- Paul... - Butt out, Conway.
Don't waltz in here with your big city bullshit.
- Fucking loser. - Faggot.
- Prick. - Asshole.
Free apps! I got free apps.
What?
Hey!
Willie boy.
- What are you doin'? - Hanging out.
I like to mash snow, it gives me a sense of self-satisfaction.
- You got a girlfriend? - Why do you ask?
I don't know. You're a dude in flux.
You've come back to the house of loneliness and tears,
to daddy downer and brother bummer, to come to some decision about life.
A life decision, if you will.
You fancy yourself a perceptive little thing, don't you?
I don't know about "little". I'm the tallest girl in my class.
I may grow to be 5' 10".
I'll be hot.
Well...
Am I right? Life decision? You got the full-on Hamlet thing going?
Hamlet? Danish prince, couldn't make decisions.
Yeah, I know Hamlet.
So, about that girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, there is one.
- She want to get married? - I think so.
- You don't? - I'm not sure.
- Is she fat? - No! She's quite nice actually.
- So why don't you marry her? - I knew I came for a reason!
Thank you.
- That's OK. Tease the little kid. - See you around.
See ya.
Sharon?
Sharon? What?
It would be nice if when we were making love, you'd be thinking of me.
- Huh? - She's not gonna leave him, Tommy.
I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't seen her in months.
I am not stupid.
So you wanna end this?
That'd be convenient. Save you the guilt? I end it?
Let me ask you something. What do I do?
The best years of your life were high school,
when you were the king of the hill and Darian was your girlfriend.
You want all that back. I can't give that to you.
How do I compete with a life that is impossible for you to have again?
You're gonna have to break up with him now.
Getting over him, that's the hard part. I know. Believe me, I know.
She's right. At first, you'll have these visions
of you alone, 57, 58, walking around, your hair in a bun -
maybe you're a librarian - heating up soup for one
and worrying about the cobwebs in your womb.
- Gina. - The visions fade, that's my point.
You will get over him in about two years.
You'll be 29. It'd be better if you were 24 now, then you'd be 26,
but we don't choose these things.
- They choose us. - Exactly. So, 29.
- That's not exactly ancient. - Not exactly 30.
- Which is good. - Which is very good.
Look, I know what you're saying and I know how bad it looks,
but nobody knows what it's like when it's just the two of us.
I love him.
OK. No, that's fair.
So how is it?
- Lately, it's not so good. - The man can't commit.
The man can't commit.
Why is it when a relationship doesn't work out,
we say it's cos they can't commit?
- Shouldn't I take some of the blame? - No. That is grief talking.
- No way is that Sharon. - It's a little grief-stricken girl
who looks a lot like Sharon.
I'm still not sure they're broken up.
You're broken up, right?
I don't know. It's Tommy's birthday next week.
It's on Saturday. I mean...
Maybe if I threw him a party with all his friends
and we just had a nice time, just relaxed...
Would you guys help me organise it?
Would you, please?
One more.
Michael and my father, they both fall off the boat, right into the lake.
- It was classic. - He got the picture, though.
It's good.
- So you been working much? - A few nights, you know.
But I'm actually toying with the idea of becoming a citizen.
Oh, what do you mean?
Well, I got offered this sales job. It's got a pretty good base salary,
plus commission and... I don't know. They'll let me know.
- That sounds great. - Yeah, it could be.
Yeah.
You... I'm gonna go get the video.
- Of this? See him fall in... Yeah. - You're gonna love it.
What?
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- That's bogus. - Why?
Cos you get that job, you won't have any time to play the piano.
Mo, listen, it's not happening. It's just not happening.
I'm getting older and I gotta think about the future.
You would be the worst salesman ever, OK?
I deal with salesmen every day and you... you are no salesman.
Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.
What the hell do you know about office equipment?
What do you know about kids? You're raising two just fine.
- Dad! - Sarah?
See these guys? Husky Pete, Rizzo and Sammy Bean?
They work all day, drink all night for 40 fucking years.
Two weeks out of the year, they take a vacation.
What do they do? Drink all day and drink all night.
Does this little observation contain anything resembling a point?
Yes, Tom.
If we don't step it up, we'll wind up just like Husky Pete
and Rizzo and Sammy Bean.
Cool.
Cool?
Holy shit!
- Hi, Frank. - Hey!
Oh, it's good to see you.
- What is that? - That is unbelievable.
- Stink, who's the vixen? - It's my cousin from Chicago.
- No way. - No way does she share your blood.
Yes, she does, and she is not only hot, she is also completely cool.
- Unbelievable. - Does she have a boyfriend?
What do you think? A girl like that's born with a boyfriend.
I'm gonna go say hi to Stanley.
- Stanley? - Hey, you.
- Good to see you. - Good to see you.
I got some friends I want you to meet. Come here.
Oh, man, this should be fun.
Andera, this is Tommy...
- Kev... - Hi.
- Paul... - Hi.
- Willie. - Guys...
- Hey, Stink. - I'm sorry. And Mo.
- Hi, Mo. - Hi.
Guys, Andera.
Hi.
I'll be here if you need me.
So what part of Chicago you from?
- Do you know Chicago? - Yeah... I know Soldier's Field.
That's a football field.
- She said it. - So what do you do?
- I'm in advertising. - Advertising! That's great.
- What do you guys do? - What do we do?
- Well, Paul and I have... ...a business.
- Construction... - Painting...
- Kevin works for me. - I work with him.
- Mo works in a textile plant. - I'm plant manager.
And Willie here's a musician.
- What do you play? - Piano.
- Would you play something? - No, no...
- Hey, Will, play something. - No...
Come on.
- Come on. You never play any more. - I know.
- He's good. - I need a shot.
- Do you guys want to do a shot? - Shots? We love shots.
- Er, woo-woos, melon balls? - Chicks like num-nums.
- Whiskey. - Whiskey, yeah. Whiskey it is.
- Stan, six shorts. - Who's Stan?
You got it.
Thank you.
Gotcha.
Irish.
So, Willie, you gonna play something or what?
All right. All right.
All right.
Hey, buddy.
Why'd you mention the piano? We can't compete with that.
Show her how you spread mulch. That's sexy.
Stinky's cousin. He's related!
What's this song?
You don't know this?
Take it, buddy.
I'm done speaking to both of you, OK? You're both fucking insane.
You know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy and Madison fucking Avenue.
Yes. Let me explain something to you.
Girls with big tits have big asses.
Girls with little tits have little asses. That's how it goes.
God doesn't fuck around. He's fair.
He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits
and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers.
It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him.
Hey, Mitch.
Thank you.
Oh, guys, look what we have here.
Look. Your favourite. Oh, you like that?
- I can go with that. - Nice? Well, it doesn't exist.
Look at the hair. It's long, flowing - like a river.
Well, it's a fucking weave, OK?
And the tits. Please! I could hang my overcoat on them.
Tits, by design, were invented to be suckled by babies.
Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicone city.
And look - my favourite, the shaved pubis.
Pubic hair being so unruly and all.
This is a mockery, a sham. This is bullshit.
Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out,
the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved...
These are not real women. They're beauty freaks.
They make us normal women with our wrinkles,
our puckered boobs - hi, Bob - our cellulite, feel somehow inadequate.
Well, I don't buy it.
But if you think there's a chance you could get one of these women,
you don't give us real women any commitment - it's pathetic.
What do you think you'll do? You'll end up drooling in some nursing home,
then you'll decide that it's time to settle down, have kids?!
You gonna find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.
- You're oversimplifying. - Oh, eat me!
Look at Paul - models on the wall, dog named Elle MacPherson.
He's insane! He's obsessed. You're all obsessed.
If you had an ounce of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence,
you would realise that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin deep.
And if you did hook a model, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.
Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her
after about, what, 20 or 30 years?
Get over yourself. Thank you, Mitch. Say hello to Gertrude.
No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh,
unless there's some other shit going on besides the physical,
it's going to get old, OK?
And you guys have got to get a grip,
otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy.
What was that?
I have to wait for you, Pete?
I don't know.
- Great ass. - Nice tits. Come on. Let's go.
- Hey. - What's up?
Nothing.
Who's the guy?
- Andrew Willis. He's in my class. - Oh. He your boyfriend?
I don't know. I guess. He's OK.
He seemed a little short.
- He's 12 years old, Willie. - Oh, right.
So, he's not really... Right.
Are you OK?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Why?
- You seem a little flavoured today. - No! No, I'm cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
So, tell me something. What do you kids...?
What is it you do, kids your age, on the weekend?
Well, what we've been doing lately is smoking massive amounts of drugs,
bingeing on Entenmanns and listening to Pink Floyd.
Really?
You are flavoured today.
- Oh, you're kidding? - The Entenmanns part was true.
Oh. Wow.
So... you like this guy Andrew?
He's OK. He's into male contraception which is nice for a change.
Joking. You really got to chill, Will.
Right. Right.
I'm gonna go inside.
- You sure you're OK? - I'll be OK.
Good.
Hey, Marty!
Yes?
Ah, forgot what I was going to say.
See you around.
Bye.
- I owe you five bucks, right? - I think it's more than that.
- This controller's broken. - Shut up.
- My X button doesn't work. - You always say that.
It's not fair. Hey, was that Tracy?
Yep.
- Is she hot? - She's nice.
Ascribe a numerical value - face, body, personality.
I'm not gonna do that.
- Come on. Do it. - Don't be vile.
- Grow up. Do it. - You don't have to.
I don't know, let's see. Face...
- We need a frame of reference. - I thought I was vile.
- You gotta do it proper. - Who?
Kelly Norman.
All right. Let's see. Kelly Norman - face, six;
body, eight and a half;
personality, four.
Yes, sir.
- Jennifer Colton. - Jennifer Colton?
Face, one;
body, two; personality, three.
- OK, I got it, so... - Wait!
Carmen Swisher.
- Who? - Carmen Swisher, man. Porn star.
- I don't know her. - Yeah, you do.
She's in Fistful Of Vixens.
The one who gets all of her orifices penetrated by those circus midgets?
Oh shit, that's her? That's her name? She's good.
- Very talented girl. - Very talented.
Face, seven;
body, nine and a half...
and personality - well, the sky's the limit.
Those midgets got a real kick out of her.
Exactly.
So do Tracy now.
Tracy.
Face - good, solid... seven and a half.
Body - good, solid... seven and a half.
Personality - good, solid...
seven and a half.
- Sounds excellent, man. - When's she coming in?
He has the puck! He shoots, he scores. Yes! Two nothing.
Tommy, would you mind pulling over? I have to go to the bathroom.
What? We're gonna be at the restaurant in five minutes.
No, it's gonna take longer than that. We could just pull in here.
The VFW? We'll be at the restaurant in five minutes.
I'm not feeling good. I just need to go in quick.
Did you eat today? Did you eat anything?
- I ate. - What did you eat?
- It doesn't matter what I ate.
You never eat, then get stomach pains and wonder why.
- Cos you didn't eat. - I did so.
You can't do this. It's eight o'clock...
- Stop it. - All right. Forget it.
- Good. - I'm concerned, that's all.
Surprise!
That's nice.
Happy Birthday, Birdy.
- Did you know? - I had no idea.
Let's get the party started.
- I'm DJing. - No.
Paul, no. No Jethro Tull.
Hey, you're looking great.
- He didn't know. - It was beautiful.
- Second course. - That's right.
- Yo, what's up, guys? - What's up, man?
Spider, let me explain. This is my domain.
Let me explain something, my friend.
This is my domain. I don't want...
It ought to be Stinky's - big sign...
Our motto - "Go ugly early".
I like that. Stinky's. It would look good on the matches.
You know what I was thinking? We planned all this in the salon...
Congratulations to all of us.
You're happy, I'm happy, Sharon.
Hey, Darian.
- What the fuck is she doing? - Your boy's fucked now, buddy.
- Holy shit! - Oh, Christ!
Food for the hungry, drink for the thirsty...
- Shit. - The odds just increased.
Fuck, man. Who told her?
It's all right. I'm sure she's just gonna walk right back out.
Darian.
- Hey. - Happy birthday.
- That's really nice. Thanks. - I got this for your birthday.
- I mean this is for you and for me. - Thanks, guys.
- It's too much. - Somebody should go over.
You smell good.
- Let's get outta here. - You wanna go?
- We're going! - Fine. I'm ready to go.
She polluted the air, as far as I'm concerned.
- Don't even think twice about it. - Get home early. Pay the sitter.
- Do you like it? - I don't know.
- I put the bow on. - It's really nice.
- Should we do something? - What?
What the fuck is that?
- I don't understand. - I have no idea why she's here.
But it's classic Birdman.
It's not funny, but it is true.
- Steven's in New York. - That's great. Great.
Kristen's with my folks.
Uh-huh.
It was your special night, Tommy.
Why couldn't I share in your special night?
Because...
Good night, Darian.
I want you to come inside.
I'm not goin' inside.
Come on, Tommy. I have to give you your real present.
What you gave me is fine, OK? Darian, come on.
Come on.
You can slip into something more comfortable.
Like what?
Like me.
- Come on, Darian. I gotta go. - Come on, Tommy. Grow up.
I gotta go. Just go inside, will you?
Just get out.
We always gotta do this, don't we?
Just go inside.
OK. Fuck it.
Stupid truck.
All I'm saying is you have this amazing thing,
you got his person with all that potential, all that future...
This girl... is gonna be amazing.
She's smart, she's funny... she's hot...
- She's 13! - I know. Get over it.
It's not a sexual thing. This is...
- I could wait. - What?
In ten years, she'll be 23, I'll be 39, it won't be a big deal.
Willie... you're scaring me here.
This girl is gonna be amazing.
Great.
I was actually jealous of this little kid on a bike,
this short little kid on a bike, cos he gets to be her age now.
I get to be some vile old man, like... What's his name?
- Roman Polanski. - No, like... Nabokov.
Like some Nabokov character.
Like some old fat, hairy, fat, stinky, putrid man.
And...
I don't know. You just want to say to her in all sincerity,
"Take me with you when you go."
Willie, the girl was a zygote when you were in the seventh grade.
So what? What are you saying?
That this is my way of postponing the inevitable?
My way of saying I don't wanna grow old?
No, I think it's your way of saying you don't want to grow up.
I just want something beautiful.
We all want something beautiful.
Hi, Mrs Cassidy. I know it's late. I'm sorry. Is Sharon home?
- She's sleeping, Tom. - Can I see her?
- She's sleeping. - OK.
I'm sorry. Could you just tell her that I stopped by?
You should know Sharon put a lot of planning into tonight, Tom.
Mom, it's all right. Go to bed.
Hey.
I just... I want to apologise.
You don't have to. I'm fine.
I feel that I should explain.
You know what, Tommy? It's a little late.
Yeah. OK.
All right.
Willie C. What's up?
- Hey, fellas. - What's goin' on?
You never went home last night?
Came here. Pike is runnin'. Haven't caught a thing.
- Guess what I did this morning. - What?
Made a phone call to Stinky's cousin, the lovely Andera.
- What happened? - She's going out with me. Thank you.
Like on a date?
We didn't get into specifics. Jealous?
- Well... - A little bit.
Come on, Elle. Let's get some air.
Jesus!
Is that Mo?
Fuckin' Mo has got it wired, man.
He's like a retard that doesn't know any better.
He doesn't desire new experiences, new women, nothing. Look at him.
He's like the mental patient that doesn't know he's mental.
So he's perfectly content.
- I gotta go take a piss. - I'll see you later.
Hey!
I'll see you later.
What the heck are you doing here?
My friends are ice fishing in the shack over there.
Those guys are your friends?
- You know 'em? - They're here every Sunday.
We call them the Drunken Dry-heavin' Cheese-eatin' Outhouse Boys.
They're your friends?
- They're acquaintances, really. - Right.
- So, where's Scooter? - Who?
What's his name? Billy? Tiger? Pookie? The kid on the bike?
- Andrew? - Andrew, that's it. Where is he?
He dorked out on me. I'm not into him any more.
Ah. So you got someone new?
Yep. You!
What?
You. You're my new boyfriend. You up to it?
Oh, I feel faint!
My hero.
So you gonna marry that girl in NYC?
I don't know. Why?
- I don't think you should. - How come?
You should wait until you meet someone who excites you.
Well, she may not be out there.
It's like the Wizard of Oz. It was in your own backyard.
What do you mean?
You. Me and you.
- Really? - Yep. You don't think?
Well, we have a little age problem.
I know. We're as star-crossed as Romeo and Juliet.
It's a tragedy of Elizabethan proportions.
"What light through yonder window breaks?
"Tis the east and Juliet is the sun."
- Weird. - No way.
So, um... So what do we do?
Alas, poor Romeo, we can't do diddly. You'll go to penitentiary,
I'll be the laughing stock of the Brownies.
But if your feelings for me are true, you'll wait.
Wait?
Yep. Wait 5 years.
I'll be 18 and we can walk through this world together.
- In 5 years you won't remember me. - William.
I'm formed and you're not. You have changes to go through.
You'll change.
And I'll be Winnie The Pooh to your Christopher Robin.
No literary reference left unturned. How do you figure Pooh?
Christopher Robin outgrew Pooh. That's how it ended.
He had Pooh when he was a child. When he matured,
he didn't need him any more.
That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
Yeah, but it's true.
You don't realise it now, but you'll be doing some changing.
And...
I can't be a Pooh.
- I think I'll skate away now, Pooh. - All right, Christopher.
- Hey, Earl. - Hey, good one!
Sit down here. It's a better view.
So, where are your buddies?
- Huh? - Your buddies?
Oh, they're gonna be late.
Hi. A bottle of your best champagne, please.
We don't have a best champagne. They're all the same.
Thank you. That'll be fine.
You really look nice.
- What is going on? - What do you mean?
- What are you doing? - What?
- What's with this Al Capone shit? - What Al Capone shit?
Who's the girl?
- What girl? - That girl right over there.
She's... She's my book-keeper.
- Your book-keeper? - Yes.
- You are full of shit. - She's very efficient, that girl.
Paul, I'm gonna get up and make the biggest scene you can imagine.
She's my cousin. We fell out and we don't speak in public.
- Bye, Paul. I'm leaving. - All right, all right.
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up after seven years
because she's seeing that meat cutter over there.
It drives me crazy, OK? And...
I was just showing off.
Why didn't you just tell me?
Just please don't make a scene.
Oh, we'll make a scene. You don't need this.
Who is that?
- It's Paul. - No shit.
- Who's the babe? - I don't know.
She's gorgeous.
Well, not gorgeous like you.
- Gorgeous just the same. - Can we leave?
Sure.
Fuck!
- Andera, where you goin'? - Home.
- Why? - That was for you.
I was trying to help you out. You're such a knucklehead.
- Come back inside. - Bye, Paul.
- Andera... - Bye, Paul.
- Come on. - Bye, Paul.
I'll call you tomorrow, all right?
- She likes fresh air, you know? - Sure.
Hey, what you doin' out so late?
I was out with your friend Paul.
He's not my friend, he lives in my house.
I got roaches, I got termites and I got Paul.
- You need a lift? - No.
It's nice to be able to walk after dark.
Yeah, it's one of the few perks of living here.
It's a good one.
Can I ask a question? How long have you been with your boyfriend?
- Eight months. - And it's good?
It's very good.
He makes you happy?
Yeah.
I look for that in a man. The ones who make me miserable never last.
Right.
There's four words I need to hear before I go to sleep. Four words.
Good night, sweet girl. That's all it takes.
I'm easy, I know.
But a guy who can muster up those words is a guy I'll stay with.
Right. You sure you don't need a ride?
- Yeah. - All right.
- See you around. - I'll see you.
Good night, sweet girl.
I spoke to Jan this morning and it's obvious she no longer cares.
She ran out of that restaurant like a maniac, but I guess later,
she realised she didn't give a shit.
Yeah?
I spoke to Tracy. She's coming up for the reunion.
Is that right? I gotta meet this Tracy.
- You got to take this shit down. - Why?
- You're like a serial killer. - Don't cap on my supermodels.
- Leave it alone. - It's creepy.
Look who's talking, Mr Jerry Lee Lewis.
Oh, fucking Mo!
I don't judge. If she can cut her own food, she's fair game.
OK. All I'm saying is you got to take all this down because it's creepy...
Look. The supermodel's a beautiful girl, Will. She can make you dizzy,
like you've been drinking Jack all morning.
She can make you feel high for the greatest commodity known to man -
promise, the promise of a better day,
the promise of a greater hope,
the promise of a new tomorrow.
This particular ore can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl -
in her smile, in her soul,
in the way she makes every rotten thing about life seem OK.
The supermodels, Willie? That's all they are - bottled promise.
Scenes from a new day, hope in stiletto heels.
I am now going to check your freezer for human heads.
A beautiful girl's all-powerful and that is as good as love.
That's as good as love.
It's...
just that I gotta think beyond a couple times a week.
I feel like the biggest scumbag on earth
every time I see your kid smiling at me.
Look, Mommy.
That's nice, honey.
It's ridiculous.
It's making me nuts. It's making you nuts.
Sharon, Steven...
I have worked it so that he has no idea.
That's cos I don't show up at your parties drunk.
- Sharon knew way before then. - Maybe Steve doesn't give a shit.
Tommy, don't try to characterise my marriage as a bad one.
- I love Steven. - So why are you fucking me?
I don't know.
But I guess I won't be any more.
No. I guess not.
I wonder how I'll survive.
Oh, please!
I told Steven the reunion would be a total bore.
And I assume Sharon won't be accompanying you, right?
No, you've taken care of that.
- Mom. - What?
OK, sweetie. Come on. We'll go home, OK?
All right, put the other arm in.
OK. Very good.
Look. It'll be great. We'll be there alone.
It'll be just like the old days.
And we'll see if you really just broke up with me or not.
Let's go, honey.
Hey.
How you doin'? Want some wine to warm you up?
Sure.
Thanks, Stan.
That was nice. Really nice.
Less intense and emotionally possessed than normal,
but no less effective because of its pointless colouration.
Excuse me?
My teacher's exact comment after my first recital - Rhapsody In Blue.
When in doubt, go Gershwin.
You drunk?
I don't know but you both look beautiful.
So why the sad face?
Job requirement. Happy piano players work the circus.
I think you Knight's Ridge boys take the ladies way too seriously.
Only until baseball season starts.
Pitchers and catchers report in two months, three weeks and six days.
- Wanna go home with me? - No.
OK, I had to ask. To be honest, I don't find you at all attractive.
- Really? - Really.
- So now you wanna go home with me? - No.
- Well, I tried every angle. - Job requirement.
Exactly.
Play something else.
You don't like this boozy, after-hours musician banter?
Can't dance to it.
You'd be surprised.
OK, you've spurned both my sexual advances,
my attempts at conversation, so I'm gonna reach into my bag of tricks...
- Wanna go ice fishing? - I'd love to.
Great.
You know how it is at the beginnings when you first fall in love?
You can't eat. You can't sleep.
Getting a call from her makes your day, like seeing a shooting star.
- It's the best. - But inevitably, it goes away.
So, this is my thing, you see.
Why get married now? Why not have two, three more of those beginnings
before I settle into the big fade?
The big fade? That's an awful way to put it.
- She's coming tomorrow. - That's obvious.
I got no feeling about that. I got a feeling of overwhelming ambivalence.
But I would rather dread her arrival than not give a shit.
It's amazing that there's a guy that gets to do things with you.
He gets to make you happy, spend evenings with you...
Make me martinis, listen to Van Morrison...
- Smell your skin... ...after a day at the beach.
- And read the papers... ...on a Sunday morning.
A rainy Sunday morning. And pepper your belly with baby kisses.
Sorry...
There's a guy out there that thinks the same thing about Tracy.
He's jealous of you, you getting to do all that with her.
Can you think of anything better than making love to an attractive stranger
on a frozen lake with just an oil light to guide your way?
Can you think of anything better?
Going back to Chicago.
Ice-cold martini. Van Morrison.
Sunday papers. Got you.
I gotta go.
Hey.
Why do I feel like I'll never see you again?
You'll see me again, Willie.
Damn.
Hi.
You look awful.
- I've been drunk for two weeks. - Nice.
- How was it, the drive? - The roads were awful. Sheet ice.
You got here safe. I'll make you some tea.
That was delicious. Really superb, Tracy.
- Thank you. - The fact that you can cook,
rolled into the fact that you're a successful lawyer
and the fact that you are stunning to look at, just makes me insane.
Bobby!
I'm flattered, Bobby.
It really was superb, Tracy.
- All right, we're gonna shower... - Why?
We're going over to Mo's for a pre-bash thing. Why?
You want to shower first or should I?
Why don't you shower first, Will?
We can take the rest of the time to bond.
- Go ahead. I'll be fine. - Superb.
It really was superb, Tracy.
Hey!
Romeo And Juliet, the dyslexic version.
- What are you doing? - Another exciting Saturday night.
You got many exciting Saturday nights in your future.
Yeah. Yeah.
- So your lady's here, huh? - Yeah.
I saw her. She's really pretty.
She's OK. She's not as pretty as you, though.
Got that boob thing going for her, though.
And she can get into R-rated movies.
Two words not in her vocabulary - "lunch money".
Hey, Marty.
I hope we stay in touch.
Cos I hope to learn someday about what you're doing.
Cos I think whatever it is, it'll be amazing.
I really do.
Thank you.
You got it.
- It was great. - I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Thank you for coming. - Trace, we gotta get going.
Bye.
- Take care, now. Be careful! - Stay warm, guys.
Bye.
It's unbelievable. They haven't liked anyone since Steve McQueen died.
- You just... - They're nice.
Nice. They're as far away from nice as...
If nice is London, they are Tokyo.
OK.
You're nice.
I can't believe you're not gonna go.
I'm laying low. You have fun.
You loved high school. Everybody's gonna wonder what happened.
So tell them I'm in Geneva,
doing my presentation on sub-zero water removal.
You just wanna sit here like a loser.
Channel 38's showing Rich Man, Poor Man - all 12 parts.
- No shit? - Back to back.
Holy shit. Fuck!
Fuck!
364 nights a year I do dick. The one night I decide to go out...
You gotta tape it for me.
- Can't do it. - Why not?
You can't tape Rich Man, Poor Man.
You gotta watch it with the commercials just like everybody else.
That's a good point.
Falcon Eddie.
Man, was there ever a more terrifying screen villain than Falcon Eddie?
No.
- You're gonna watch it? - Yep.
- All 12 parts? - Back to back.
Shit.
It's a tough call. You're a bastard.
Yep.
Oh, shit...
Don't drink too much punch.
Stanley, you kill me.
- How does that work? - That's not what I practise...
- You want some more? - Yeah.
Tracy. Hey, Paul. You good?
So, listen... I like this.
She makes those herself.
Mohammed, one white wine, please.
- Willie, she is delightful. - Delightful? Are you Rex Harrison?
She's amazing. What is your malfunction?
She's smart, she's funny, she's got a great ass, nice rack...
- Nice rack. - She's charming, rich, great ass...
- You mentioned that. - It's that good, Will.
- Hey, Frank? - Hey, Tommy.
- Get a Bud? - Sure.
- You're beautiful. - Always room for improvement.
Do you know who you look like? Ally Sheedy.
Do you know Ally Sheedy? Whatever happened to her?
She was in The Breakfast Club with the Estevez brothers.
- That's right. - I've never seen her since.
- Did you ever see Misery? - No.
- Cos you remind me of Kathy Bates. - Oh, don't you say that!
Did you hear Andera went back to Chicago?
She was supposed to stay for the reunion, but she just left.
Really?
What did you do to her in that shack?
I told you, we just talked.
- You told her things, didn't you? - What things?
- You let her behind the curtain. - Maybe she missed her boyfriend.
You let her behind the curtain. I know.
Never let 'em behind, Will.
You never let them see the old man working the levers of the great Oz.
They're all sisters, Willie. They aren't allowed back there.
They mustn't see.
Tell me the truth. You stay up nights thinking about this shit?
You say it like it's a bad thing.
Hi, Darian. Good to see you.
Susan.
...and your last name? - Smalls.
Say, didn't you used to be Darian Smalls?
- That's right. - I'm Peter Gropeman. Remember me?
No.
I used to have a weight problem. You called me Peter the Eater.
- You made me cry in seventh grade. - I did?
I'm sorry.
You here alone?
- Yeah, I guess I am. - That's weird. Darian Smalls alone.
God you were something in those days.
You were beautiful.
But if you don't mind me saying, mean as a snake.
You were as mean as a snake.
Hello, Tom.
Steve.
How come you're not at the reunion?
- Wasn't into it. - Won't Darian be disappointed?
- Did she go? - Yeah.
- That's nice. - Can I buy you a drink?
- No, I got one. - Come on, Tom. One drink.
I was just gonna be leaving.
OK.
Let me see if I got this straight.
I can't buy you a drink, but you can stick your dick into my wife.
- Frank, shot of rye. - Two.
See, I think it's Knight's Ridge.
Fucking working-class towns, man.
Girls here see a tool belt, they get moist.
I got an extra one I can lend you, Steve.
Hook you up with some vice grips, ratchet...
Don't fuck with me, man.
Don't worry about them, either. This is me and you.
You know, I don't think it is, Steve.
You don't strike me as the type who fights his own battles,
but I give you the benefit of the doubt.
I tell you what. Drink your shot, go back to your boys,
play quarters, whatever you frat boys do and I'll get out of your hair.
Thanks, Frank.
- You couldn't leave it alone. - That's right, mother...
Fuck. You.
- Let's go. - Fuckin' lowlife.
Fuckin' showed him.
Shit!
- Michael! - What?
Frank just called. Tommy got the shit kicked out of him.
- By who? - Let's go.
- I don't think you should. - Sarah, not now, OK? Come on.
I'm goin'. Come on.
- Will? Willie? - Go.
- Where is he? - He didn't want me to call the cops.
Thanks.
- Who the fuck did this? - Calm down, Mo.
Frank, who did this?
Rossmore. He and his buddies.
- Where are you goin'? - To find Rossmore.
- Suddenly, he's Charles Bronson. - Get him to a hospital. Come on.
It's snowing. I can't believe I'm gonna have to plough tonight.
Tommy was sleeping with his wife.
So?
It's not like he was that innocent.
So he deserved that? You see his face?
Look, this does present a moral dilemma.
All right, fuck him. Let's lynch the bastard.
You got a plan?
No plan.
- Think he's here? - I don't know.
- Fucking douchebag, man. - Easy, Mo.
Take it easy.
You fuck with my friend, you fuck with me!
Beat up my friend, you beat up me! You fuck with me, you fuck with you!
You get mad when you drink, you don't drink!
- What are you talking about? - Don't talk back.
- What? - We got company.
The cavalry has arrived. Assholes.
Car trouble, fellas?
I didn't even see you!
Now, where were we, shithead?
Daddy, what's going on?
I'm just trying to save my family here, man, all right?
- Just stay away from us, Stevie. - Come on.
Hey, darlin', just go back inside. I'll be right in.
OK.
- All right? - Yeah, let's get outta here.
Fuckin' kids comin' out and shit...
- What did you say? - Just babbling.
See you, fellas.
- How is he? - I don't know.
- What did they say? - They didn't say nothin'.
- How are you? - You guys do your macho things?
We just went over and Mo pushed him around a bit.
- Did you tell Annie we'd be late? - Yeah. I told her to sleep over.
- That was good. - You OK?
Yeah.
- I'm sorry. - Just don't...
- I'm sorry. - I know.
I love you, baby.
Miss, would you check on room 309, please?
- You haven't heard anything? - Here we go.
- Who called her? - I don't know.
Who do you think? Me.
- What's up? - He's gonna be OK.
He has a concussion, two broken ribs and took about 30 stitches.
- But he's gonna be OK? - Yeah. He's gonna be fine.
He said it's snowing and that somebody should...
...sand his lots. Got it.
Go get 'em, Kev.
- I'll be by tomorrow to say goodbye. - Wait. Where are you goin'?
We're going back tomorrow.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
Is the couch OK?
Yeah, yeah. It's fine.
Sorry about tonight.
- I had fun. - Yeah?
It's pretty lively around here.
So how come you're coming back with me?
I don't know. Cos I want to.
- I'm not gonna take that sales job. - I don't think you should.
- How come? - Piano players are sexy.
Salesmen are uncles.
And uncles aren't sexy.
Not usually.
Wait, wait. This is so weird.
You've never had sex in here before?
Not with another person.
So...
So how are you holding up? Are you in pain?
I'm OK.
You look nice.
Thanks. I was on a date.
- Did you have fun? - It was OK.
It's weird.
What is?
I'm just lying here and I'm wondering...
how I got here, you know?
I don't mean here, I mean how I got here...
How I'm not anything like...
what I'd hoped that I'd be, you know?
I'm not even close to the guy I thought I'd end up being.
And it kind of blows.
You know?
When I think about that guy that I thought I was gonna be...
there's a...
there's this girl next to him, with him...
and I don't know...
she looks sorta like you.
- Sorta? - Exactly.
Exactly sorta.
- Hey. - Hey.
You look excellent.
Did you guys fuck up Rossmore?
No, we put the fear of God into him. He was a real shit.
- He had a right to be pissed. - How's she doing?
She's fine.
Yeah. You're not gonna fuck it up with her, are you?
What do you think?
She's one of the good ones. Why do we always fuck up the good ones?
I don't know. I've been pretty successful at it.
Listen, I just came by to say goodbye.
- I'm taking off. - Taking off?
- Yeah. - All right.
Listen, maybe I'll come down and visit.
Yeah, right. Like, what, spring?
- Spring. - Spring.
Hey.
- Don't be a stranger. - All right. Take care of each other.
Right.
- Surprise! - Oh, shit!
- Hey! - Hey!
- Tough guy, how you feelin'? - I've been better. You takin' off?
Yeah, I'm goin' home.
- Listen, say goodbye to Sarah. - Say goodbye to Tracy.
You figure any of that shit out?
You know. I'm working on it.
Good.
- I better get in there. - See you soon.
All right, buddy. I love you, man.
How you doin', bud?
- I'm not used to this snow. - How long is the drive?
About five or six hours. If he drives, for sure five...
- You'll have nice weather. - It won't be too bad.
- Here. - Oh, thank you.
- Front or back? - Back is good.
Word is Jan and Victor are engaged, Willie.
- How do you feel? - She drains me. They're all sisters.
Each and every one.
- Yo, Willie boy. - Hey.
- So you outta here? - Yep.
She is a honey-limbed lovely.
- Nice meeting you. - You, too.
- Have a safe ride. - Trace.
This is Marty. Marty, Tracy.
- Hi, nice to meet you. - You, too.
- OK. Take care, big guy. - Thanks.
See you.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Marty.
Later, Pooh.
Come back and see us, Will.
We'll be right here. Nothing changes here but the seasons.
So you're the little neighbourhood Lolita?
So you're the alcoholic, high school buddy shit-for-brains?
That little girl was cute. What was her name? Marcy?
No, no. Marty.
- Is it Martha? - No, as in Martin.
Named after a grandfather she never even knew.
- You OK? - Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Superb.
Willie C!
Take care, man.
Stay cool. Stay cool forever.
All right, Kev.