Thank you and, of course, hello.
I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Three episodes down and we've already learnt
so much about the five contestants.
We've learnt their names, for example.
But for those who haven't got that far,
here's what our contenders are usually called. They are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And next to me, like a blob of mayonnaise
that's dripped out of your sandwich onto your trousers,
there to remain a nagging reminder of all the clumsy mistakes in life
you've ever made.
It's...
little Alex Hooorne!
- [cheers and applause] - Cheers, Greg. Thank you.
It's nice to be here.
And here, to my left,
he's as mild as he is meek, it's my assistant, little Ian.
Little Ian.
- [applause] - Pleasure, sir.
Ready?
When you are, sir.
[quietly] The hell is this?
[laughter]
It's my assistant, Ian.
We play squash together and I've offered him a job.
Where are you getting the money from?
I've taken some of the money from the budget.
Sorry, Ian, you're gonna have to leave.
[audience] Aww.
No, fuck you.
[laughter]
I don't want to embarrass Ian, he seems like a perfectly nice chap.
But if you could ask him to leave, I'd be very grateful.
You've got to go now.
No problem, sir.
Can you book me a car, though, for after?
What kind of car would you like?
I don't give a shit, just make it silver!
Sorry, sir.
[applause]
- Let's start the episode, Alex. - OK.
OK, we're gonna start off with the prize task.
This week's prize category is the most thought-provoking thing.
The person whose thing provokes the most thought from you, Greg,
will get a maximum five points, and at the end of the show,
the person with the most points across the episode
will take home five thought-provoking things.
- It's simple but also exciting. Like me. - Quite long-winded, though.
- [Alex] Yeah, it was a little bit. - [laughter]
Asim?
Right, so, do you believe that everyone's got a doppelganger in life?
Yes, I do. I was saying it to Alex just before the show.
Yeah, and I was saying it to-- Oh.
[laughter]
So, my mate was in LA, and he went into this restaurant,
and there was a painting of this Iranian prince from, like,
the 17th century, and this is my doppelganger.
Here we go.
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Not bad.
That's good.
[Alice] Very good.
It would provoke this thought:
"Yeah, that painting looks a bit like Asim."
What I would like you to do is to give voice to the prince.
OK.
I'm gonna look at that. You say what you want.
[small voice] "Papa G, I love you."
[laughter]
"You are a part of my royal kingdom,
and I look like Asim, and you're going to give me the prize for this task,
'cause I love you, Papa G."
Well done, Asim. It's an interesting opener.
- Thank you, Papa. - Not a problem, my child.
- Who's next? - Tim Vine, on the right.
- [Alex] Here he is. - Ah, lovely. Thought-provoking?
I collect records.
That's my decision and it's vinyl.
- [laughter] - [Asim] Oh, come on!
This album I bought, by Bill & Kate,
I can't understand what meeting they looked at that and said,
"Yeah, that's great. Let's go with that."
[Greg laughs]
- Do you wanna see it? - Please.
[laughter]
- [Tim] They're both out of focus. - [Greg] Yeah.
[Tim] And they've got this weird sort of gap on his right.
Were they there at the same time or was that early Photoshop?
Exactly. So many questions.
Oh, my God. It's worse than that, I've worked it out.
- [Alice] What? - Bill's dead.
- [everyone gasps] - [Asim] Some ghost shit.
That provoked more thought than I ever dreamt it would.
[laughter]
Wanna move on to Liza?
I do, but I mean, I'm still...
[laughter]
[Greg] I'm having so many thoughts being provoked.
Liza, provoke my thought.
The sort of whole concept of Nikola Tesla.
- Nikola Tesla? - Nikola.
- Nikola Tesla. - Yeah.
If I find out that this guy didn't put his name to Tesla cars,
I'm gonna be so disappointed.
I think Tesla cars nicked him to...
Woo, thank God.
Without him, we wouldn't have X-rays,
we wouldn't have remote control,
we wouldn't have lights.
The big deal is, he was stopped.
- He wanted free energy for everybody. - Right.
J. P. Morgan, who was funding him,
kinda closed him down and sold him as a lunatic.
Oh God, what became of him, Liza?
Oh, he died in a hotel room, penniless.
Oh, shut up.
TESLAAA!
I think that 'cause it has to be prize,
we can't give him, so we've got some of his files.
[Greg] It's a good job you did the talking before we saw that.
[laughter]
- Dear oh dear. - So we've got the concept of Tesla.
Yeah, good.
- Shall we move on to Alice Levine? - Alice Levine.
This was a thought-provoking book that I read recently.
[laughter]
It's provoked a thought.
There are just some really incredible
bits of thought-provoking philosophy in her book.
- So I've got a few here. - Oh, you've jotted a few down.
"If you break the law...
you have to pay."
[Asim] Hmm.
- [Alice] Hmm. - Wow, that's deep.
That's deep, isn't it?
That's incredible, because that's so not deep.
You're looking for angles underneath her saying,
"You shouldn't break the law."
Right, OK. Well, Judge Judy was more thought-provoking
than I thought, I guess. Who's next?
Well, the final person is Russell Howard, there.
OK, so I was on a plane recently...
and a Buddhist monk sat next to me.
And then I was looking at what he was playing on his iPad.
And he was playing a game that was a fidget spinner.
And he was just... spinning it, like that.
[laughter]
And I just couldn't stop thinking about his life.
[laughter]
Is this what he does to get away from Buddhism?
He's like, "Yeah, see you in a bit!" and then just gets a flight.
And just spins fidgets.
Or when you get to the end of Buddhism,
do you pull back a curtain and there's just a big fidget spinner?
- Yeah. - [laughter]
He's completed Buddhism?
When you get to the end of Buddhism, right.
- Yeah, when you get to the... - The end of Buddhism.
[Alex] Are you ready to judge, Greg?
- I am. - Mm-hm.
In last place, with one point,
Is?
Asim.
- Oh, come on! - [laughter]
- Asim gets one, OK. - Just up from that...
A lot of thought, and it made me scream into the air,
but yet, pound for pound, it was a little bit dry.
- It's Tesla. - [Alex] Tesla.
Liza gets two points.
Then I'm gonna pop... Alice in,
and I've made some really good notes about yours.
I wrote this note. Ready?
"Made me think."
[laughter]
- In second place, controversial... - With four points. Uh-huh?
Because whatever they're up to, Bill & Kate,
it provoked so much thought in me,
it still is.
But, Buddhism, it's a worthy winner, isn't it?
- Russell Howard wins. - [Alex] Five points.
[applause]
OK, let's get going. Alex?
Yes, and here's a task to celebrate all the men out there, at last.
[laughter]
[he clicks his fingers]
OK. It's a box.
Hi, possums.
[Alex] Sorry?
Don't be sorry.
"Do something manly with this cardboard box."
"Manliest thing wins."
"You've got 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Hmm.
I could get in it and cough, couldn't I, and pretend I've got flu.
[laughter]
Manly, though. What does manly mean, you know?
DIY is pretty manly.
It means they've got manly... a man's... characteristics.
Macho, isn't it? Macho.
I'm gonna need a woman.
[Alex] OK. I'll get you a woman.
I mean, the manliest thing I can think of is, just, like,
- beating the shit out of it. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
You know? Like, windmilling it, just...
OK, let's go for it.
Come on, then, world!
Stand by for a bit of manly.
[applause]
Who are we gonna see first?
We're gonna start with an actual man, Mr Vine.
Here we go.
[funky music begins]
♪ Tasty, yeah ♪
♪ Damn, you're tasty ♪
- ♪ So baby lick your lips ♪ - [van honks]
♪ And take a bite ♪
♪ Baby I'm all yours tonight ♪
♪ You're looking so tasty, yeah ♪
♪ Damn, you're tasty ♪
♪ Ooh, give it to me now ♪
[cheers and applause]
Fantastic.
- It worked for me. - [laughter]
At a time when men are, you know, under a lot of fire,
what a wonderful display of manliness.
Hell of a start. Who's next?
The bar is set high. We're gonna move on to Asim and Alice.
[Alex] These two.
- Ooh. - Ahh.
[robotic voice] Hi, Asim.
My name is iFeel.
How do you feel?
Oh, hi, iFeel.
Um, I feel... Well, I don't know how I feel.
- You'll be playing the part of Woman. - OK.
- I'll be playing the part of Man. - Right.
I'm gonna ask you to do something,
and I'm gonna pay you for it.
- OK. - OK?
Can you tell me the words to "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"?
Yeah.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are."
I feel like everyone wants me to be a big strong man, but...
when I talk about my feelings, everyone just takes the piss.
Never feel bad about feeling, Asim.
There's nothing more manly than a man talking about how he feels.
True.
Um, OK, I'm gonna pay you...
£20.
Thank you.
I'm now gonna do the same for you.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are."
I'm playing the part of Man,
so I'm gonna pay myself all of this, OK?
Yeah.
The more we talk, the more we learn.
The more we love.
Would you like a hug, Asim?
- Oh, yeah, I'd love a hug. - Hug!
Alright, yeah, coming.
- That's a good hug. - Cheers, mate.
Hug!
Yeah, alright, I'm hugging.
Hug!
Bit needy, isn't he?
So that was my piece, housed here in the Cardboard Box Theatre,
on the manly gender pay gap.
[applause]
I seem to remember finding it funnier,
- but I obviously took it quite seriously. - Yeah, yeah.
- [laughter] - Rightly so.
No, I thought it's good to make a political point.
- Why not? - Oh, absolutely.
- Asim, your affection robot. - Yeah.
Toxic masculinity is quite a horrible thing,
and I'm from, like, you know, a certain place in London,
and we all have to be big men, we've gotta be hard and all...
Yeah.
So I thought I'd fuckin' do a robot, right?
- [laughter] - Fuckin', you know what I mean?
Give me a little hug! You know, it's not gay.
Not gay.
[laughter]
Hold that thought. I'm gonna send us into a break now.
BREAK!
Welcome and welcome all over again.
My name's Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster,
and this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we were... Alex, what were we doing?
There were manly things going on, Greg.
Remember, Asim and Alice made, in turn,
a poignant remark on the male psyche
and an important statement on the gender pay gap.
- Yes they did. - Also...
Tim Vine took his top off.
[everyone cheers]
We're gonna see the final two together now.
Liza Tarbuck and Russell Howard.
Let's see what we can come up with,
'cause we're good at this, aren't we?
Yeah.
- You get me a pipe. - [Alex] OK.
And let's meet outside.
- [Alex] See you in a minute. - Yep.
Right, let's get this...
- Get this off. - Oh.
I've got some tattoos, you may have noticed.
[Alex] Yeah.
Beard, petrol, Clarkson and Top Gear.
So what's your problem?
I was thinking--
DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR MUM!
There you are. I'll take that one out.
Do you want, um... Do you want anything else?
OK.
Give us a shout if you want anything.
[applause]
I might go back to university.
What the fffuck!
Go down the local abattoir,
take your own hammer and start taking names.
- Next! - Tinder?
No, no, no, no, no!
If you wanna get a woman, what do you do?
- I've told you before. - Hammer, abattoir.
No, no!
You wanna get a woman...
- your best advice, light a fire. - Right.
Get what you've killed at the abattoir,
burn that - hopefully - pig.
The scent of the meat will bring the lady to you.
Cook her the meat. Bang, done.
Marriage.
Till, of course, she FUCKS YOUR BROTHER!
[laughter]
- You alright, Russell? - What?
- You OK? - Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
- That felt pretty manly. - [Alex laughs]
Oh, I forgot my tie and all.
[laughter]
[box snoring]
[applause]
- We contrasted perfectly. - Yeah!
Such a different...
Such a different understanding of "manly".
I was on board with all of the stuff, the saw,
the toplessness, the tattoos.
And then we got onto the taking a hammer to an abattoir.
[laughter]
Listen, I don't know how it works, I'm not the most manly man, but...
I imagine that's what they do.
That's what they do.
Not according to Liza Tarbuck, though.
It was actually quite heartbreaking.
Yeah, good role model, wasn't it?
Of days gone by. Hopefully.
Really?
Well, I don't know.
I've never been a subservient female.
[laughter]
Yet.
[laughter]
There were crusts, crisps and mustard on the plate,
and the tea had three sugars in.
No need. No need, but she added the sugars.
Yeah, we really...
Of course, 'cause that's what that pig would want in his tea, isn't it?
- [Greg] Leave him! - [Russell] Yeah.
Leave him, you know what he's up to when you're not looking.
He's down the abattoir with a hammer.
[laughter]
OK, so you've seen them all, Greg.
- Yes, I have. - You've gotta judge them now.
- I know, and it's very difficult. - Mm-hm.
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give four points
to everybody,
apart from the heartbreak of Liza's broken woman.
Aww!
- One point more, five points. - One point more? Oh, five points!
- Wow, I thought I was out of the game! - [applause]
OK, I'm ready for the first scoreboard update, please.
It's close today. We have a leader, though, at this point.
It's a man. It's Russell Howard.
[they gasp]
[Alex] With nine points, but it's close.
[applause]
Very good. Now, what I'd like,
now we've done some serious issues on this program,
I'd like something fun. Have you got something fun lined up for me?
I've got something fun. Are you ready for the fun?
- Yes, please. Bring on the fun. - Here comes the fun.
- [Alex] Hello, Liza. - You there!
- [Alex] Hello, Asim. - Hi.
- [Alex] Oh, hello, Tim. - Hello.
[Alex] You've got mail.
We've got mail?
- Shall we? Can we...? - Yeah, let's have a look.
- Liza, why don't you do the honours? - OK.
"Have the most fun."
"You have three minutes, at the end of which
you must return to the caravan and await your second task."
"Have the most fun."
"You have three minutes, after which you must return to the caravan,
and await a second task."
- So we're just having fun now? - Having fun? Yes!
Woo-hoo! I'm going to the shed!
[Asim] What about me?
[Tim] Let's get some stuff out the tool shed!
- [Liza] For some fun! - [Tim] The tool shed's got loads of...
- Um... - I'm not really into fun.
[laughter]
[applause]
Two very different responses to this task, there.
Good. Listen, let's get into them.
I wanna see how these guys have fun together.
OK, well, fun is "enjoyment, amusement or light-hearted pleasure".
Let's start with Alice and Russell.
Actually, do you know what I do really love?
- Go. - A bath.
But you love football, so why don't I have a bath while you play football?
That makes sense. So you sit in the bath and I'll chip the ball to you.
And I believe the football's here.
If there was hot water in here and I had a glass of wine...
I'll get you some wine.
[Alex] You having fun, Alice?
Umm...
- Oh, now... - Sherry in the bath?
- [she laughs] - That seems to make sense.
There you go.
- Lush, thank you. - That's some sherry in a bath.
Thank you.
This might make somebody really happy.
Maybe a little old lady out there, rubbing herself silly
over the idea of Alice in a bath and me doing keepy-ups.
[Alex] Ten seconds and then you've got to...
And she's home going, "Ah, ah! Oh God, I'm close, I'm close!"
[Alex] Five seconds, then back in the caravan.
- We have to get back in the caravan. - Oh... Oh, God!
- [Russell] What fun. - [whistle blows]
[applause]
Hi.
- [Alex] You've got mail. - Oh.
What's happening?
"Exactly recreate your attempt at the first task."
"Most accurate task reconstruction wins. You have three minutes."
"Your time starts when Alex shouts his own name."
[applause]
Well, I was totally drawn in by your initial definition of fun.
[Greg] I like a bath.
I like watching Russell Howard keep a football up in the air.
- Those are both fun things for me. - Washing and exercise.
Yeah, lovely.
Halfway through, you suggested that there
might be an old woman masturbating.
[laughter]
Listen, we don't know that there isn't.
No, no, we don't...
And she's here tonight!
[laughter]
OK, let's watch the second part of that, then.
Yes, here we go.
[Alex] Alex Horne!
Um, I don't really like having fun.
Oh, but... What did I say?
Oh, actually, I love a bath.
I find baths really fun.
Why don't you have a bath and I'll play football?
- You do keepy... Yeah, OK. - In fact, there's a football in the shed,
so I'll go and get that.
[DING]
This would be absolutely perfect
if there was hot water in here and a glass of wine.
Oh, a glass of wine! OK, well, there is some booze,
so I'll go get you some booze.
[Alex] Are you having fun, Alice?
- Umm... - Yes, I am!
- Oh, now... - Sherry in the bath?
- Oh, what is it, sherry? - Sherry.
- Oh, thank you. - [DING]
Oh, that's pungent.
And then I said, well, to be honest,
there's probably a little old lady...
- [laughter] - who's sat at home...
And it's kind of her dream... to watch Alice Levine in a bath...
as I do keepy-ups.
You said something about rubbing--
- Rubbing herself silly! - [DING]
- over the idea of Alice in bath. - Touching herself over... Agh!
me doing keepy-ups.
She was like, "Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!"
Yeah, she's sort of sat there going, "Ah, I'm close! I'm close!"
"I'm close! If you could do that thing like that and then volley it!"
Did you go in first or second?
- I went in first. - OK.
[whistle blows]
- [applause] - We did alright!
We did alright.
The accuracy of the recreation was unbelievable, wasn't it?
- Pretty good. - It's incredible, what they did.
I feel so ashamed for being, like,
"You said something about her rubbing herself."
And then you said, "Yeah! Ah, yeah!"
Let's stop all the fun right there,
and, for a while, glaze over for some adverts.
See you shortly.
Oh, hi, baby, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're in the thick of a fun task with a twist.
Isn't that right, little Alex Horne?
That's right. This is a tricky one, Greg.
Alice and Russell have had as much fun as possible for three minutes,
and then opened another task asking them to have it all over again,
replicating the first bout of fun as precisely as possible.
Now we're gonna ask Asim, Liza and Tim to have their fun.
[Liza] BMXing!
[Liza] That's fun!
Stashing it in there.
[Asim] So much fun.
[Asim] Are you having fun?
[Tim] This is so much fun, this.
How many minutes have we had, gents?
[Alex] One minute 45 left.
I'll try hooping this over your head.
OK, that's great!
- [audience cheers] - [Liza] Back at ya!
Oh, sh...
I don't know how much more fun I can have!
- [Asim] I'm having so much fun. - [Tim] With the fence!
I'm gonna try and hit the mail box.
[Liza] Nice work!
That was immediately fun.
Will you catch my potato?
[Liza] That's fun!
Through the hoop!
[laughter]
Fun!
[Asim] Fun!
Absolutely mental banter.
- Oh, look, the cushions are loose. - [they laugh]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Back into the caravan, please. Back in.
- [Asim] Back in, back in. - [Liza] That's fun.
- [Asim] Right. - [Tim laughs]
- Oh. - Hello.
[he laughs]
"Exactly recreate your attempt at the first task."
[applause]
Well, everyone's going, "They can't recreate that madness."
There's only one thing I'd like to say before we see it.
What's the best fun you could ever have?
[both] BMXing!
[laughter]
They've got a combined age of 135.
[laughter]
OK, this is their attempt to recreate that.
[Asim] OK.
- [Alex] Alex Horne! - [Liza screams]
[Asim] Let's get our props! Come on!
[Liza] I'm doing that.
[DING]
It's exhau...
That's fun!
Stashing it in there.
- [Asim] So much fun. - [DING]
Did I come back here for some fun?
- How many minutes have we had, gents? - [DING]
[Alex] One minute 45 left.
I'll try and get this hoop over you.
Oh, OK! OK.
OK, that's...
- [DING] - [they cheer]
[Asim] Fun!
Yeah!
[Liza] I'm running off for a spud.
- I think I got the hoops wrong. - [Asim] So much fun.
- The fence! - [DING]
Oh, look, there's cushions in here!
Can you catch my potato?
- [DING] - [Liza] That's fun!
[Liza] Yay!
I'll put the hoop up. Ready?
The hoop? Go!
- [DING] - [they laugh]
Fun!
[Tim] Oh, hang on, there's this here!
- [Liza shrieks] - [DING]
[Liza] Oh, that's fun!
Pass me that, pass me that!
- [Alex] 30 seconds left. - That's so much fun. Look!
It's a hat! Banter!
- [DING] - Mental banter.
Woo-hoo!
Guys, this is insane!
- [whistle blows] - [DING]
[applause]
"Will you catch my potato?"
- Pretty fun stuff. - OK, you've got to judge two tasks there.
First of all, which team had the most fun,
and then which team recreated it best.
I would say both teams recreated the fun they were having fairly accurately.
OK, then.
So I would give them both the same points.
- How many points? - Three.
Yes, OK.
No, four. I'll give them four out of five.
- Five, maybe? - Yeah.
- Five? - Five.
[laughter]
Who had the most fun?
Well, I think both teams had a lot of fun doing that.
How many points for Alice and Russell, and how many for the others?
Two for Alice and Russell, three for the others.
- There, done. - OK, you're the boss. Here we go.
[applause]
On we go. Can we have something arty and edible, please?
OK, how about some art made with your favourite food?
[Greg gasps]
- [laughter] - Yeah?
Hi, cherub.
- Hi. - [Alex] Oh, hello, Liza.
Oh, God.
Well, it's probably not what I think it is, is it?
- Is it squirty cream? - [Alex] Yes.
Oh, then it is what I think it is.
"Make the best art using the entire contents
of this can of squirty cream."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Hmm.
Oh, that's a lovely start, innit?
I share a birthday with Magritte.
[Alex] How old is Magritte?
- He's dead now. - Oh.
OK, I think I've got an idea. I'll be right back.
I'm gonna have a look in the shed.
[laughter]
[applause]
Classic first stop for art, right?
Into the shed?
Into the shed, yeah, yeah.
So we're gonna see all five of them making their art
in their own different ways. Here we go.
So...
this is not just a piece of art,
but it's also a bit of social commentary.
Oh, what if I run out cream?
Right, I want you on the canvas.
Just draping?
Yeah, sort of sprawled as if something terrible has happened.
As long as we get the outline, I think it's fine.
Yeah, nice, nice.
Yep, and let's have this arm sort of... a bit more flail-y.
[laughter]
Mmm.
Oh, look at that dirty sod flipping off there. Look at it, oh-ho!
This is proper art now.
I think I'm done.
I'd buy that.
I think it's finished.
Global warming.
Time's running out.
Oh, God.
[Liza] It's got a life of its own!
[she laughs]
[applause]
Let's see Asim's and Tim's. Here we go.
[Alex] There they are.
Well, you're the artist. You'd better talk us through your thinking.
A powerful social statement?
Yeah, global warming, you know, just...
It was snowing two weeks ago in spring or whatever it is.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [Asim] It's mental.
I know, I came out onto my balcony and saw the snow,
and I thought, "Oh, this is like..."
"This is like putting a giraffe in a bell jar with some..."
[laughter]
- "...cream." - [Asim] You know what I mean?
That's some pretty powerful social commentary.
Tim, the floor's with you. ER?
[Tim] ER, that's... The name of that piece of art is...
- Her Majesty the Cream. - [scattered laughter]
- 'Cause it's ER. - [laughter]
[Greg] Deserved more.
- Her Majesty the Cream. - [laughter]
I don't think they've heard, actually. Her Majesty...
[laughter and applause]
It's really good.
[laughter]
Uh, who's next?
We can see Liza and Russell's.
[laughter]
- I think let's have a look at Liza's first. - OK, I'll get Liza's up first.
[Greg] You're the artist. Talk us through it.
[Liza] I've got a bit of a thing about gaffer.
So, yeah, just... Use the cream, do that, did it. You know.
[Alex] You called it, er...
- The name was Once. - [Liza] Yeah.
And you said it wasn't a happy piece.
No, it's not. It's troublesome, isn't it?
Why is it called Once?
Well, that's not how it started.
So the whippy cream that was once there
was actually predominantly on the floor
'cause it had dripped in a slightly filthy way down the brickwork.
[Alex] Mm-hm. Do you want to see Russell's?
[Greg] Yes, I do.
[Alex] This is before, and then when the body was taken away,
the remaining picture looked like this.
[Alice] Oh, that's good!
- [Greg] Oh, it's quite haunting. - [Russell] Yeah.
Can you remember what I called it?
- My Balls? - No.
You called it The Diabetic Crime Scene.
That's it.
[Russell] Your two hobbies were diving and ukulele-playing.
You were about to enjoy the day to end all days,
and some swine came along and chopped your nuts off.
It's like having the audio guide in the gallery.
- [Russell] Yeah. - [laughter]
- One left to see. - Yeah.
- Oh, God. - Alice Levine's squirty cream picture.
[Alex] She used coffee granules to make it brown.
She's the only one who affected the colour by mixing in another agent.
Oh, my God. She's at the vanguard of a new movement.
[laughter]
I don't think I'll be appreciated in my lifetime.
You will not. Tragic.
Talk us through it. It's a beautiful piece.
[Alice] So, I worried about the subjectivity of art,
and what you would consider the best.
Jesus.
And so I copied the Mona Lisa. Can't you tell?
[Alice] Although it does look a tiny bit like Guy Fawkes, but that's OK.
Yeah, you were the only person to use a paintbrush, which is quite...
That's got to get her big art points. I'm not an expert.
Well, do you want to see all five next to each other?
- Yes, I do, please. - Then you can make a decision.
Before you mark it, can I just say again, Her Majesty the Cream.
[laughter]
[Greg] OK, shall I make some quick decisions?
[Alex] OK, then. In five place, with one point...
Thank you.
[laughter]
One minute, I'm just gonna score these very quickly.
- Global warming in fifth. - [Alex] OK.
[Greg] I really enjoyed Her Majesty the Cream.
[he groans] But I'm putting it in fourth.
- And then, um, chopped-off balls. - OK, three points to Russell.
And it is, it's Liza's it's haunting me. It's going in first place,
and the Mona Crema in second.
[Alex] OK, so five points to Liza Tarbuck.
- [applause] - Well, I can't believe it.
Wonderful artwork. Alex, have we got time for one more?
We do. It's a quick, it's an easy one. It's this one.
- Hello, Alex. - Oh, hello, Russell.
Fiver under a pint.
"Remove the £5 note from under the pint..."
"without spilling any of the pint."
"You may not touch the pint glass."
"If you spill any of the pint, you are disqualified."
From the whole thing?
"Fastest wins."
Oh, is this one of those...
boys' tricks?
- [Alex] Does it say your time starts now? - Oh, time starts now, yeah.
OK.
[applause]
- Pretty straightforward. - You're not allowed to touch the glass.
You're not allowed to touch the glass, but you've got to get it off the £5.
[Alex] We're gonna start with Alice and Russell.
Oh, God. [she laughs]
So if I drank all of the pint...
but I'd be touching the pint glass.
Oh, unless I drank it with a straw.
Christ.
I can't drink all of that against the clock.
I'll be sick.
That tastes like truancy.
[laughter]
Hmm. Hmm.
[laughter]
I know what you're thinking, that it's not gonna work.
But there's no evidence to that effect.
[Alex] Thank you, Russell.
[he exhales]
[Alex] Would have been quick, wouldn't it?
[applause]
- Not terrible attempts. - No.
No, Russell took one minute and 19.
Um, Alice?
Bit slow, minor breakdown halfway through when you decided
to start using a cup that was bigger than the glass.
- Yes. Yes. - [laughter]
It was pretty sound up to that point. Give me some statistics.
It was three minutes 27. There was a hint of spillage.
- Just a little bit. - What?!
Alex, you're such a snitch.
I mean, it is my job. And, well...
I've just put it in a little replay package.
Are you fff...
Just 'cause if there's any spillage, you're not allowed...
I've got so much dirt on you. Just remember that.
Well, you can judge whether or not this is a spillage.
Hmm. Hmm.
Why have you done a full Maclntyre Undercover on me?
Yeah, thing is, I had to clean it up, so...
It's your job!
You should be ashamed of yourself, woman.
[laughter]
Part three is finished. It's done, it's over, through. Bye-bye.
Oh, hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where some truly thought-provoking items
are soon to be claimed by one of our five contestants.
But for now, back to business.
That's right, and this business is trying to pinch a fiver from beneath a pint,
but the pint can't be moved.
Alice and Russell used a straw technique.
What technique will our next two, Tim and Asim, use?
Let's see.
OK.
Now, is there anything... What do they have? Things here that...
Look, I don't know what the hell that is, but...
This is not me touching the pint glass.
Look, I'm not touching the pint glass, look.
But this is just to anchor the thing down, you see? Like that.
So, you... Now, you...
Actually, no, that's making it...
I now don't want to spill any of the pint.
[laughing] So I've transferred the pint, slightly, onto this thing.
Oh, I just realised the new £5 notes are waterproof, aren't they?
I thought it'd sog up and...
OK, I don't think that's done anything.
"Remove the £5 note from under the pint..."
Yeah, I may not touch the pint. Oh, easy. OK.
There we go.
Oh, I should have done this earlier, you see.
Aaand... stop!
[applause]
What was the plan if the fiver had "sogged up"?
It would've just ripped and then, like...
What, you were gonna tear it round?
Yeah, just tear it round and just, like, I dunno.
It's the new bloody £5 notes, innit?
They're like... plastic, waterproof. Bloody Brexit, innit?
- [laughter] - Bloody is. It's all Brexit, mate.
Did you understand...?
It was gonna rip round it, but it's still underneath it...?
[Greg] There's still gonna be a circle of £5 note there.
I don't know. I was just fucking winging it, wasn't I?
It was very difficult to tell if you spilt any, 'cause it was all wet.
Nah, no spillage, mate.
I don't think there was any spillage with mine.
Don't think so, despite you putting the revolting brush thing in it.
[laughter]
I don't what that was. I think it belonged to the landlord.
He had one tooth and just used...
Do you want the timings?
Yeah, come on, let's get on with it. Timings, yeah.
So, Tim. Took him two minutes, 54 seconds.
God, that's rubbish.
So that's nearly three minutes to push a pint off a note.
OK.
Remember, Russell took one minute 19.
Asim took one minute 20.
[they gasp]
Ooh.
But it feels like there's a good time out there still.
You should be able to do it in under a minute. So do you want to see Liza?
- Yes, please. - OK.
So the thing is just to really pull it.
Am I quick enough?
- No. - [audience] Aww!
[she laughs] Thank you.
[applause]
Moving it on.
"Can I do it? No."
[they laugh]
- [Alex] She was quick. She was very quick. - [Greg] She was really quick.
So what does that mean? Give us some...
Well, I'm afraid it's zero points for Alice and Liza,
who both spilt so much beer.
[Greg] Ooh, so much.
You messy pups!
Tim gets three points in third,
then Asim in second place with four points.
Russell gets five points for winning the task!
[cheers and applause]
Now, Alex, may we please see the scoreboard?
Yes, it means Alice and Asim are adrift with 18 points,
but the other three are still in it,
and Russell is still in the lead with 24 points.
[Liza] Oh, hello.
[applause]
OK, well, here's something novel.
Would you please all follow me up to the stage...
- What? - for the final task of the show?
[applause]
This is weird.
- Mm-hm. Welcome to the stage. - Yeah, I like it.
Mm-hm. Who do you want to read the task?
I'd Russell to read the task, if that's alright.
- Russell Howard? - Yes, Russell Howard.
- There we go, Russell. - That's alright, mate.
"When tapped on the shoulder,
shake hands with the Taskmaster - that's Greg -
without revealing your identities."
"You may not speak during the task."
"Everyone must shake hands with the Taskmaster once,
for at least two seconds."
"If the Taskmaster guesses your identity, you are eliminated."
"The task continues until we have a winner."
- Thank you, Russell. - Pleasure.
[Alex] If you want to pop your blindfold on now, Greg.
Consider it popped.
I'm just gonna run through how it's gonna work, OK?
'Cause you're gonna be randomly selected,
and then Greg will put his hand forward.
You come forward and you shake his hand.
For at least two seconds.
Oh, I thought this was gonna be so easy.
[laughter]
You can go-- I can go now.
And then Greg will guess who it is.
After all five people have shaken,
I will say how many people he's got right.
The people he's got wrong have to go and sit on the elimination bench.
Greg, whose hand did you just shake?
Oh... Now, that's interesting,
'cause I thought that was you demonstrating,
so I think it was your hand.
- Good. - Was it?
[laughter]
I think that shows he is beatable.
[laughter]
So, Greg will be the only one talking throughout the entire task.
I'm gonna walk behind you. If I tap you on your shoulder, you approach.
[laughter]
Very clever.
Greg, whose hand did you just shake?
Asim's.
- Oh, for fuck's... - [laughter]
So you stay there. No talking, try not to give it away.
Sorry.
[Alex laughs]
[he laughs]
[Greg] Oh, I don't like it.
[laughter]
Oh! Oh...
Yeah, nice.
- Very nice. - [Alex] OK, that's enough shaking.
It's Russell.
- [laughter] - Again, no reactions, please.
[laughter]
Oh, no!
[laughter]
[laughing] Oh, no!
Ugh. Oh, God.
[Alex] Whose hand, Greg?
Tim Vine.
- Argh! - [Alex] Shh!
[laughter and applause]
Oh, ffff--
[Alex] Ooh, now was that at least two seconds?
Oh, OK. OK, it's been given.
Liza Tarbuck.
[Alex] There is one shake remaining.
Ooh!
[laughter]
Oh, no. The breathing's awful. Oh!
[laughter]
- Whose hand was that, Greg? - Russell Howard's.
Please could the people who he got right
go now to the elimination bench?
[laughter]
I think we have a winner.
[laughter]
- Can I...? - [Alex] OK.
[Alex] Alice Levine is the winner!
Was it that one? Argh!
Oh, that was horrible.
Let's all make our way back down to the stage
and we'll find out the final scores.
[applause]
Good. Well, that was pretty strange.
Glad to be back in the throne.
Can I have my snack, please, Alex?
Oh, can I have my snack, please, Ian?
- Certainly, sir. - Mm-hm.
Hm.
What happened to the scores?
[laughter]
Interesting tactics in the handshake.
Asim very cleverly disguised his hand using his very distinctive jacket.
[laughter]
But in the end, Alice won by having a hand
that felt like Russell Howard's hand.
Well, that means... I can tell you the series scores, first of all.
Very tight at the bottom.
- Yeah. - [Asim] Ooh.
- Thanks very much. - [Asim] Cheers.
Asim on 58, Alice on 60 and Tim on 61.
In the 70s, Russell on 72, Liza on 78.
Blimey!
[applause]
[Liza] There's gonna be a fight.
This has been our closest episode by far.
Just six points separating all five of them.
Asim at the bottom, but at the top,
Mr Russell Howard!
- [they cheer] - With 24 points!
[cheers and applause]
What? Whaaat?!
Would you believe it? With his first victory
- of the series thus far. - [Russell] It is.
Russell Howard has won.
Please go and collect your thought-provoking material!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt what a man is.
A man sits watching the golf,
stands around topless at the side of a road,
doesn't talk about his feelings often enough,
and gets paid way too much before smacking a cow with a hammer.
But, for now, we need to clap like lunatics one more time for tonight's winner,
the brilliant Russell Howard. Well done to him!
And thank you for watching. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]