It's number 14!
Seventh appearance in the National Lottery, bonus on the tenth of June.
Third ball tonight...
..is number 25.
Nine times now...
It's the mid-week lottery.
The mid-week lottery. Come on.
..is number 41! For the second week running!Come on, you frigger.
Here we go.
..is number 10!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, shitter! Shit! Shit! Shitter! Shitter!
All right. Keep calm. Keep calm, right.
Right, what would Thora Hird do?
Oh, shit! HE SIGHS
Help!
Has anyone seen Brian?
That's it.
Oh, go on!
Come on, Potter. Come on, Potter.
This is the one. This is the one!
Come on.
That's it! That's it! Come to Daddy!
LAUGHTER
Look. Hi, everybody.
Let's have a look at you.
See who we got in tonight.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now then... Oh, that's it! That's it!
Give us a wave, you beautiful people.
Look at you! Fantastic.
Now then, who have we got down here?
Oh! Hey up! Hey up! Hey up! Oh!
Look at these two!
They want a bit of filth! Ho-ho-ho!
Bit of blue for the grans tonight.
They love it. Look at them!
Who else have we got back here?
Good evening, sir.
Hey, I bet it's nice to have a night away from the farm.
LAUGHTER
Hope your tractor's not been clamped!
LAUGHTER
What's going on?
There was none of this kind of carry on when I were a steward.
Standing around, chatting... Chatting! You're chatting.
Look! He's done something wrong, him!
He's laughing.
He knows...he knows he shouldn't be there!
He's been a naughty boy, aren't you?
Yeah, that's what's known as a gaggle of stewards, that.
Who have we got over...?
Oh!
We can't forget you.
Eddie The Eagle Edwards is in!
LAUGHTER
Nice to have a night out!
What's this lunatic doing? HE LAUGHS
Look at that! When's it due?
He's about eight months gone, that space cadet.
All right, OK. Hey up. He's late!
Oh, aye, what's happened here?
"Oh, pal.
"Where am I sat? Down here?
"What time's he come on?
"What time's he start, this comedian?
"Where am I going here? Where am I? Up here?
"Hey up. I don't want to spill me drinks, like...
"Watch out.
"All right, flower, where are we sat?
"Where are we sat?
"Oh, hey! Look, love. Hey! We're on telly!
"Hey, look, it's me and you, love.
"Me and you on telly, just like Dixons."
Hey, I see Jim Bowen's been to celebrity fat camp.
Great, super, smashing.
Oh, my God! Look at this loose cannon.
Off his tits!
Hello, everybody back there.
Let me get you focused. Hang on.
What do I spy? Over here...
Another gaggle of stewards.
HE LAUGHS
Look at that! That is funny!
That's brilliant. Oh, I love that.
Look at that! Now get back to BLEEPwork!
LAUGHTER
DOORBELL PLAYS A TUNE
Jay! Is that you? Brian, is that you?
I'm trapped, man! I'm trapped...
I'm trapped on the stairs! Kick the door in!
With my back? No! Your foot, you tool!
Kick it in!
What are you doing? You've broke my door! You've broke my door!
Shoulder it, you big dick!
Oh, come on!
You've broke my door! You've broke my door!
I've broke my foot.
Shut up, you girl! Get me down!
Oh! What's that smell?
Never mind what that smell is.
Just get me down! What's happened?
Bloody power cut, that's what's happened.
I've been up here all night! Go on, get me down!
Where's your fuse box? Under the stairs.
Under there! Go on! Under there!
Oh, it's just tripped out.
Jay!
HE GROANS
What are you doing down there?
You know what I love when you go for a meal? Nobody complains.
You'll all complain to each other,
but God forbid you'd ever tell a member of staff.
"They're on their bloody main meal already.
"They're on their main meal.
"We've only just got our starter.
"They came in after us, and they're on their main meal."
"Everything all right?"
"Absolutely fantastic. Really, thank you.
"Really nice. Thanks very much.
"Lovely.
"Special.
"Shithole.
"I'm not coming here again, I'll tell you that.
"No, it's gone downhill. It's changed hands.
"It's changed hands."
So you have your meal and then you're stuffed.
"Oh, God, I'm full. Oh! I shouldn't have had all that.
"Oh, I'm full but I've undone my pants.
"IBS.
"Oh, I'm full."
"Would you like a dessert?"
"Are you having one? Are you having one?
"Are you?
"Are you having a dessert? I will if you will.
"Are you having one?
"Yeah, we'll have a look, yeah, we'll have a look.
"We'll have a look. We'll have a look."
Give it up for the Lancashire Hotpot
and the Phoenix Nights founder
who's one of the funniest funnymen
this country's ever produced.
He's absolutely brilliant.
It's the one and only, Peter Kay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How nice.
Peter Kay!Thank you!
Where'd he go? Where'd he go?
Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
No!No!
No! No!
No! No! No! Stop it!
Peter!Oh, my God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
No! No! No! No! Stop it!
Peter! What?Peter!
See, it's shut. How do you know?
She's putting chairs on top of tables.
Yeah.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
THEY LAUGH
It's this thing he's doing with his tongue.
Go on.
I'm getting away from you two. What the BLEEPhell!
THEY LAUGH
Come on. Why the BLEEPdoes he do that?
Come on.Right. Oh, BLEEPhell.
Oh, my knees are... Crying my bastard eyes out here!
And action!
See, it's shut!How do you know?
She's putting chairs on top of tables.
Yeah.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, BLEEPhell.
Can we do this?
THEY LAUGH
Peter, stop!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Hello! Yes, we're here.
Well, are we out of puff?
I don't think so.
Oh, you!
Oh, there's a fly there. That's disgusting!
There's a fly flying around.
And you're getting a bit upset about it, aren't you?
It's gone in the... I've just realised I'm in your seat.
Get that fly! Get that fly! Get that fly!
Get it. Get that fly!
Today's just another day for the staff of the services,
but not for local DJ Paul Le Roy.
He's here to draw up support for local radio station Chorley FM
as it bids for an FM licence.
It's a foot spa, a health spa,
and a �20 voucher for your local spa, So Near So...
Three fantastic prizes and all available today
on Chorley FM, Your Favourite Waste Of Time.
# Mine
# You're my favourite waste of time
# Mine... #
Who's that dick?
Hey, have you seen it? Where is it, Alan?
I don't know. Oh, no, it's all right.
It's a nit. It's a nit.
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
This!
Hang it up!
LAUGHTER
You can't kill a fly with these, anyway.
You need something...
Your shoe. Your shoe will do it.
Oh! You've got a magazine!
CHEERING
Fantastic! Thank you.
Oh! TV Times.
Can I have it?No!
I'll give it you back!It's new!
What is it, next week's? Yes. It's new.
Well, I'll give it you back! I'll give you your TV Times back.
Is this man bothering you? Is this man bothering you?Yeah.
Look, I can't go without my shoe, so it's the first swap.
Nice to meet you. All right. All right.
When you get there, you know that every single person
there is going to be up for it.
Totally. Totally.
Because it's music that we love.
Music, I love it. It's electric.
It's something else, really.
Brilliant.
I just love the '70s music.
The songs, the fashion, like, the clothes and all that,
I love it.
It's just a brilliant laugh, you know?
My mum used to always say to me,
"You're a child of the '70s, you are."
She said I was born wearing flares and block heels.
It's probably true that, you know,
because she had a Caesarean.
I love the dressing-up bit. Yeah, definitely!
But we don't get much of a chance to do it, really, do we?
Not really. No.
That's why these concerts are so special,
because we get to dress the way we want to for the night.
Sad thing is that other people,
they're like judgmental and nasty.
People on the street,
they just immediately presume that we're students.
Jesus.
What do you look like?
You see some sights when you've not got your gun.
My name's... My name is Utah.
These are the rules.
Down, love.
If you're going to be sick, you mop it up yourselves.
There's a mop and bucket back there.
I don't want a repeat of Gladiators.
We also have a chemical toilet on board.
If you're going to use it, no solids.
Right?
Not that you should have to use it, we're pulling into services
for a leg stretch and a toilet stop.
And that's a leg stretch, right.
Don't be getting a meal.
I'm being serious now.
There's rules on board the coach.
No bottles, no food, right...
And no buggering about with the emergency exits.
It's not a toy.
We had one young lad bounce out en route to Torquay.
He's now fed through a straw.
LAUGHTER
I've never been on a works do, me, when there's not been a fight yet.
Even my own, and I'm self-employed.
Happened last year. 60-seater coach.
Having a fight with driver.
He only stopped for a toilet stop and a leg stretch.
From Liverpool, we were... I said to him when we were driving,
before we had a fight, I said,
"Who are the worst people you get when you're driving?"
"I don't like blokes.
"Blokes are like animals.
"I were bringing a load of blokes back from the races,
"and I'm driving up the M6,
"and I looks in the rear-view mirror,
"and there's a bloke having a piss
"in the middle of the aisle on my coach.
"I slammed the brakes on,
"he shot down the coach like that.
"Piss everywhere.
"Girls are worse, though.
"Oh, my God!
"Bladders like BLEEPegg cups!"
LAUGHTER
"Driving back from Take That,
"'I want to wee. I want to wee.'
"Pull in the hard shoulder.
"Let them get off one by one.
"Wait til they squatted, knickers around their ankles.
"Reverse 40 feet.
"Full beam! Full beam!
"They don't like that! They do not like that!"
LAUGHTER
"'Hey, you cheeky bastard.'"
"I work hard. I play hard.
"You know what I'm saying."
MUSIC: White Lines by Grandmaster Flash
MIMES: # Bass
# Ooh, white
# White
# Ooh, white
# White lines
# Vision dreams of passion
# Blowin' though my mind
# And all the while I think of you
# High fry
# A very strange reaction
# For us to unwind
# The more I see The more I do
# Something like a phenomenon baby
# Tellin' your body to come along
# But white lines
# Blow away
# Blow!
# Rock it!
# Blow! #
See, it's shut!How do you know?
She's putting chairs on top of tables.
Yeah.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
THEY LAUGH
Paddy!
I know, I'm stressed up toBLEEP.
BLEEP! BLEEP! I'm looking at doing that.
If you don't like him, just BLEEPdo that.
Yes, BLEEP,I don't.
It's not funny, anyway.
No, no, don'tBLEEP.
It's not funny at all.
I'm BLEEPif we can't get it, we'll have to BLEEPcut it out.
Right.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Just put yourself in BLEEPcharacters.
You hate each other.
Go on, then. Do it.Right.
See, it's shut!
How do you know?
She's putting chairs on top of tables.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
PETER LAUGHS That was BLEEPyou!
I was there, then. I was there!
I know. I know. Right.
One more.
You BLEEPJudas!
Give me my shoe.
WOMAN SHRIEKS
Hey! Oh, my God!Where's my shoe?
It's not worth it! It's not worth it!
She's hidden my shoe, Alan. She's hidden my bloody shoe.
What's the world coming to? What's the world coming to?
A woman's hidden my... For a TV Times!
Right, take that TV Times, Alan.
I'll give it you back. I'll give it you back.
Pick that up, please.
Where's the couple that sat in front of you?
Yeah, that French couple?
Yeah.
They were queuing with a tray.
You what?
I saw them queuing with a tray. PASSENGERS GROAN
Give them an inch. Give them an inch.
Oh, bollocks to this. Come on, we're going.
They can make their own way to Windermere.
# I can see clearly now
# The coach has gone. #
I had a taxi driver in Birmingham so busy telling me jokes,
he didn't have his headlights on.
Were you laughing an' all?
You know when you're driving and you forget...
I love that when you forget to put your headlights on,
and you get them pedestrians reminding you.
"Your lights!
"You've not got your lights on! Your li...
"You've not got your lights on, mate!"
How loud does that hand make it?
Do you ever do that when you shout?
"John, I'll see you outside Wine Lodge at half-past!
I'll see you outside Wine Lodge at half past!
How loud does that hand make it? That's one hand.
"You what?
"What did you say?"
I'm cupping out all that exterior traffic noise now with my hand.
"It's just me and you, brother."
LAUGHTER
RADIO:Who Is In The Toaster? is back tomorrow.
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And that's why I called Arthur Whelan and Co.
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Call 08081 570 570 for a free, no-obligation quote.
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This is Forever FM.
Forever FM.
Oh, aye!
Next!
There you go.Oh, no. Oh, no!
No. Oh, no! No. Oh, no!
Get me! Get me! Get me! Get me!
We only need his single.
Cos we've got in as far as Al. Let's do his single.
Is it just my last line?
Yeah.
BLEEPcheers, Pete.
And action!
Let me have a word with her, Max.
And action! THEY LAUGH
Do you just want to wrap and pick it up tomorrow?
No, I can't! We've got to do it!
Come on, we're done now. Right, OK.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
THEY LAUGH
Last word.
Let me have a word with her, Max.
See if she'll succumb...
THEY LAUGH
Come on, please.
I'm trying my BLEEPbest.
Two things you always say to taxi drivers when you get in.
"Been busy?
"What time are you on till?"
You can't help it!
Always!
Just comes out.
It's like Tourette's.
Taxi driver Tourette's.
My mind goes blank.
We'll go about half a mile and I'm sat there like that...
Bleeding seat cover.
"You been busy?
"What time are you on till?
"What time did you start?"
I couldn't give a shit. I can't help it.
Sit down.Oh, leave it!
I'll put that there. Let's do your star signs.
Oh.
What star sign...? Are you Gemini?
Gemini, yeah. What are you? CHEERING
Lovely. Cancer.
Gemini.Gemini. Mood swings, love to shop, wicked.
Hang on.
"Loved ones will want to make peace..."
Ooh.
"..and friends and colleagues
"will be keen to get into your good books."
AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
Am I...? Would you consider me a friend or a colleague?
I...um...
Would you consider me a friend or a colleague?
A friend. A friend. Mwah!
"Taxi's here! Taxi's here!"
Everyone's rushing around. You all rush for a taxi, don't you?
"Taxi's here. Taxi, come on! The taxi's here.
"Hurry up! He's outside!"
Eventually, you booked him half an hour ago.
They come when they want.
They're all liars.
Honest, we have a taxi firm in Bolton, right?
You phone up, right?
Phone up...order a taxi.
They answer the phone by saying, "He's just turning your corner now."
I'm like, "Can I order it before you start lying to me?"
Talk about jumping the gun. Let me order the frigging thing!
There's the fly!Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right.
Here you go.
Get the dead fly off. There you go.
Thank you very much.
Watch this, Alan.What are you doing? What are you doing?
Watch this. I'm going to do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE STAMP
Five... AUDIENCE:Four, three, two, one!
CHEERING
Yeah!You did it.
You have a go. You have a go. Really?
Yeah, go on. Go on, Alan.
He can't even get down. He can't even get down.
Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
Five, four... AUDIENCE:Three, two, one!
CHEERING
Yes!
Where are you going? Where are you going?
There she goes again. Christ!
What have I done now? Get back in the car!
What's she doing?!
The lights are on green.
Oh, for God's...! Get back in...!
What have you done? They've had a bump.
I know they've had a bloody bump! What were you doing?
There was a little hedgehog in the road. Did you not see it?
Who gives a shit about a hedgehog?
It was going to get squashed, John! I'll squash you.
You're unbelievable.
Where are you going? Where am I going?
You can't just drive off. That could have been us!
My door.
Did you get his reg?
We got a taxi, me and me nan.
We had this taxi driver, we didn't have him,
but we got in.
He said, "Let me tell you something.
"This country is going down the toilet!
"I'm getting out of here, my friend,
"and I'm taking a few of these bastards with me!"
LAUGHTER
I said, "Have you been busy?"
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much! Goodnight! Thank you!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much. Goodnight!