Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Hello and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year,
the show that takes 2014, throws a bucket of ice cold water over it,
crashes it into a comet and then fracks it right in the shale hole.
The Big Fat Quiz is basically a traditional excuse for you
not to talk to your family for two hours.
You're welcome, Britain.
If you haven't seen the show before, then I can only assume you've spent
the last ten Christmases surrounded by a loving family, playing
board games whilst eating chestnuts in front of a roaring fire.
Well, where are they now, eh?
As our regular viewers know, you can play along at home.
If you're new to the show, be sure to stick around right to the end
when we give away £1 billion!
Whoo!
Shush, don't tell anyone.
Let's meet the teams.
First up, from the Spice Girls, it's Mel B,
and my God, Mel C's let herself go.
Wait, no, it's Micky Flanagan.
A Scottish funny man and a Geordie funny woman so press the red
button now for sub-titles, it's Sarah Millican and Kevin Bridges.
And, finally, one is an awkward geeky comedian, the other's
an awkward geeky comedian with slightly different hair.
It's Richard Ayoade and David Mitchell.
David, Richard, I think we can all agree you're going to win tonight
so shall we even bother doing this?
Well, that would certainly save time, yeah.
You can be runners-up, are you happy with that? I don't want to be last.
OK, so you've won, you've come second.
Are you happy to come last? Do we have to be last?
Why do we have to be the last?
If you're going to be like that, we'll do the bloody quiz, fine.
Shall we try then, Mel? Let's try and not be last.
We're going to try. We've made a pact, we're going to try. Yes.
Well, Mel, you're going to be amazing because we've got a music round. You'll be good on that.
Micky, I'm afraid we don't have a petty theft round
so there's nothing really for you.
So have you come up with a team name, David, Richard?
Now I thought either Two Nasal Men.
Two Nasal Men, OK.
Yeah, or David Mitchell's team.
Are you confident you're going to win, Richard?
I mean David is like a broadsheet newspaper.
I mean, he is...
What, in that I don't know any of the interesting news?
I would like the team name to be Global Issues
because we want to raise awareness of global issues.
Let's go with that.
If our team was called Global Issues, then people would be
more aware of global issues, particularly at Christmas.
I think it's important that everyone's aware of global issues.
Excellent team name, let's go with that.
What about David Mitchell's Global Issues?
That sounds like I've got some sort of problem with my testes.
Excellent campaign because we don't know yet about your testicles
and you may need help, globally.
Micky and Mel, what are you going for as a team name?
Because we don't get out very much, could we be Local Issues?
You've gone right behind my back.
I thought we were... You're not the first woman who's said that to me.
What about Micky and Mel Have Got Issues? Yes!
No.
Mel and Micky's Issues. No.
The Big Issues. No.
Atishoos. No.
Are you saying, "No?"
Why don't we just call ourselves The Its?
Yes, that's the obvious thing, yes, let's do that.
Sarah, Kevin, do you have a team name?
I thought of Mother And Son.
How old are you now?
Erm, 28 years old.
Is that biologically possible for you to be my mother?
Where I'm from, yes. Yes.
Right, let's get on with the quiz.
The first round is all about the biggest news headlines of the year.
In January, flooding devastated the south coast of Britain.
It was terrible.
I saw a woman on the news in her flooded kitchen crying.
I thought, crying's not helping?
In the phone hacking trial, Rebekah Brooks was found not guilty.
During the trial her husband Charlie Brooks said
he threw a laptop computer away not to destroy evidence but
because it had lesbian porn on it and he didn't want to be humiliated.
Charlie, you shagged Rebekah Brooks. That ship has sailed.
Russia sent peace keepers to Crimea.
Peace keepers as in, "See this piece of land?
"We are bloody keeping it."
That is how Russians talk.
Can I just pick up on the body language in the Micky and Mel camp,
which is...
"I don't know what's happened but it looks like it's gone badly over there."
Well, because I did like him and I thought we were team players. No, you didn't, you never liked me.
You've always played me along like some broken harp!
Can I turn round now? Oh, here we go, see,
trying to get round me now.
Get on with it, get over it, get your balls back.
Where did you put his balls?
Cut them off a little bit.
OK, it wouldn't be a quiz without questions.
Shall we kick off with the questions?
So for our first question it's over
to the one and only, Michael Palin.
Hello, Jimmy. Now the big news that dominated the summer was obviously
the Monty Python reunion
but there was also the small matter of the Scottish Referendum.
After the result, David Cameron got into trouble
when he was overheard discussing a phone call he'd had with the Queen.
How did he describe her reaction?
So Michael Palin wants to know how the Queen reacted to a phone call
from David Cameron telling her that Scotland had
decided that we could after all take their freedom.
I think she made an animal noise. You have to write it down.
You've got to write it down.
Don't tell them what the answer is, for Christ's sake.
It's not really a television programme, it's more like an exam.
OK, so next question.
This year, what was blamed on either a military coup,
an addiction to Emmental cheese
or a Cuban high heel accident?
Oh, I know this one.
Do you want to write it down, rather than saying it out loud.
I'm really confused. Are you already confused? Very confused.
You used to be in the Spice Girls, you're now on X Factor
and somehow it's led you to this.
I can only apologise.
Why is he eating a banana? Sorry, that's really confusing.
This quiz is a marathon.
He's right. He's right.
You need to keep your energy up or you're going to
flag in the last quarter.
Have you got Lucozade?
I've got peppermint tea and a diet coke.
You're out of your mind, Mel B.
I'll see your arse at the end.
I'll see your arse in pieces at the end.
I'm going to be fully tanked up,
quipping right till the final adverts.
You know, you are a little bit weird.
That's never been said to me before.
I'm not even going to finish this now.
I'm going to put it back under the desk and top up in half an hour.
Tactics, Mel B, tactics.
If you've seen Big Fat Quiz before, you'll know that every year
the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School in Neasden put on a rather unconventional school play.
What news story are they acting out here?
Look how many cars I have!
You're so rich.
You're under arrest.
Oh, no!
You have been very naughty.
OK, would you like some money?
You are free to go.
Yeah!
Pretty adorable, so what news story were they acting out there?
OK, yeah.
You got it? Yeah.
I've got that slow release energy, Jimmy.
Sure.
Someone once told me that if you eat two bananas in a row
and then run around, you die.
So it doesn't seem likely but I've never done it, just in case.
So for the next question,
take a look at this deliriously happy woman.
What is she so excited about? Take a look.
Yes! Fantastic! Fantastic!
It's just I'm so happy!
It's just wonderful! It's just...
It's just unbelievable!
We've waited so long and now it's happening!
So what is she so deliriously happy about?
That she waited so long and now it's happening.
You're going to need to be slightly more specific than that,
but it's a good answer.
Did you get that, Micky?
Yeah, I watched it.
You watched it? Yeah, it's pretty tremendous, OK.
OK, last question in this round.
This year, same sex marriage was finally legalised
in England, Scotland and Wales,
but what phenomena did the then Ukip councillor David Silvester
blame on the new legislation?
Micky, you all right?
Can't spell.
He can't spell!
I can spell. You did that!
It's like you're a three-year-old.
Trouble in paradise.
OK, let's get some answers straight away.
OK, so first up,
Michael Palin asked you how David Cameron described
the Queen's reaction to the Scottish referendum result.
What did you get, Kevin?
Well, Sarah wrote she purred, the Queen purred.
but I don't know, how do you purr? I can meow but... Prrr...
Pop? Did you say pop?
No, I said she purred. Like that.
Do you mean purred?
No, I mean purred.
So you think she should have meowed?
Well... That would be weird for the Queen to do.
I'm impressed by her range is what I'm trying to say.
Like a...
Like that.
Kevin, what did you make of the vote for independence?
Well, it's kind of like
you don't want to move out of your mum and dad's house,
but you want Sky in your bedroom. You want the lot.
I never knew there was as much love.
Everybody was pleading for Scotland to stay.
I reckon we should have had an English referendum
on Scottish independence first,
and that would have helped people in Scotland make their minds up.
"Look, if you want us to stay, we're going.
"And if you want us to fuck off, we're staying."
Were you pleased that Scotland stayed, Mel? Don't really care.
It would have been good though if they got independence
because it's one more place we could have got duty free.
Richard and David, what did you get on this?
She purred, then coughed up a hair ball.
And then she made a low hacking sound.
OK, so everyone gets a point on that, fabulous.
OK, I asked you what was blamed on a military coup,
a cheese addiction or a Cuban heels accident?
Did anyone get this? What did you put, David and Richard?
Kim Jong-un's disappearance.
And then he reappeared again.
I mean, he didn't disappear like in a flash, like...
We don't know how he disappeared
because we weren't looking at him when he disappeared.
He was just generally around,
lots of pictures of him inspecting troops, smiling.
Then suddenly he wasn't and then he was again.
Cool. Kevin, Sarah, did you know this?
Can you see these answers on the screen?
Oh sorry, am I getting in the way? No, no, no...
Can you see these answers?
Can you see these fucking answers?
I think it's a fair point Kevin makes.
You make us write it down and then you refuse to read it out yourself.
No exam board in the country...
"Thanks very much for the exam papers,
"we're not going to mark them but we will listen while you read them out."
You write it down and then a couple of minutes later,
you tell me what you've written down.
But why don't we just remember it and then tell you?
I don't feel I need to write this down. It's in there, man.
But then you'd just go, "Yeah, I got that."
Whilst I ask one of you, the other two teams go, "Yeah, we got that."
So it's just there for the evidence? It's evidence.
One thing that really annoys me is that you can't erase it.
You have to scribble over it
and then re-write over the erased thing that you can't erase.
You know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean.
We've been asking for an eraser on this show since...
Thank you, testicles, thank you.
So Kim Jong-un disappeared for 40 days and then he reappeared.
Probably went to a yoga retreat or something.
Wasn't it, didn't they call it personal discomfort?
Which is just thrush, isn't it?
Those are those... you get them in Greggs, don't you?
Yum yums, yeah.
I didn't know there was a Greggs factory in North Korea.
Didn't know you'd ever been in a Greggs, David. Oh, yeah. Well done.
I was briefly researching being a normal human.
I think in fairness to David Mitchell, he was in a Gregorys.
OK, points all round on that one.
OK, the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School
were acting out a news story from the last year.
What did you get on this, Micky?
I put down it was to do with the Formula One scandal.
Kevin, did you get this? Yes.
Bernie Ecc, I've wrote there ECC.
ECC... Is this going to...
is this going to happen the whole time, Jimmy?
No, no, that's it, that's it, I'm done but the...
I can change my accent if you want.
I can answer like this if that's OK.
It's just a character act I put on.
I don't understand him now.
No, this is Bernie Eccleston.
Did you get this, David and Richard?
Yes, we did, yes.
He looks like he should be driving a normal man from the inside.
It must be hard to convict a man just peeping over the top...
"I didn't do nothing, let me go.
"Give you some money! I've got loads.
"I'm standing on a box, you know."
OK, so points all round on that.
OK, I showed you a clip of the happiest woman ever.
Why was she so excited?
Is it because she was probed?
She was probed by somebody called Rosetta. Is that about right?
That's... You get points for that. It's not exactly right.
David and Richard, were you watching this story?
This is the Philae Lander that landed on the comet
and she was pleased that it landed on the comet
because it landed more or less...
Well, it sort of fell over and then into a shadow
and now its battery's run out,
but basically it was successful and she was pleased.
She was over the moon, yeah.
Well over the moon, Jimmy. The moon was years ago.
No, no, this is a comet, yeah.
The moon, that's 1969 I think.
If she wasn't over that, what sort of a loser would she be!
The probe landed on the comet.
It took ten years to get there and it landed
and the scientists went absolutely bonkers.
Imagine what they're going to do if they ever see a tit.
That was a professor of planetary and space science,
Monica Grady CBE, celebrating the Philae Lander landing on Comet 67P.
Everyone gets a point there.
And finally I asked you
what phenomenon the then Ukip councillor David Silvester blamed
on same sex marriage. What did you think?
The floods. What did you think, Micky?
Yeah, he said that gay marriage being allowed had caused God to go,
"Right, that's it, you're all going to be wet for a little while."
Also, if this really was true, surely drought areas,
they would just send the gay pride march through, wouldn't they?
His garden looks lovely. If that's his garden, it looks really lovely
so, if it is true, he should be grateful.
David, Richard, did you get this?
We said the bad weather.
And his gout.
We presumed he has gout. He looks like he eats a lot of game.
For legal reasons I have to say... he is a fat fellow, isn't he?
As terrible as it was though, knowing...
there was, during the floods, no matter how bad it got,
there was a little part of me thinking,
"I'd love to be able to row down the shops."
Just for a little while, you're jealous, aren't you,
thinking that would be great, wouldn't it?
"Where are you off to?" "Post office."
Don't you get annoyed with the guy because there's always
a guy on the news in a canoe going, "Oh, have you not got a canoe?"
Where's he going? "Boots? It's not open, mate. There's been a flood."
What... what... what...?
I was rowing. I was rowing a canoe.
What you look like was
you're in a very narrow aisle on Supermarket Sweep.
So at the end of that first round,
everyone's got maximum points. You've all got five!
That's it for part one, see you in a bit.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
This round is all about the music of the last 12 months.
Kate Bush triumphantly returned to the stage
after a 35-year absence.
For those of you too young to remember,
Bush was very big in the '70s.
Cheryl Cole changed her name to Cheryl Fernandez-Versini,
finally putting her first marriage behind her.
Cheryl can now get back to doing what she does best,
tearfully hugging terrible singers.
Too harsh or not harsh enough?
Simon Cowell became a father this year.
Simon reportedly told the baby,
"I've been waiting all my life for you,"
before Cheryl added, "You've got star quality,"
and Louis Walsh compared him to a young Ronan Keating.
Cowell named the baby Eric before pairing him with another baby
because he just felt they looked right together.
That was nice. It was all right, wasn't it?
No, keep it moving.
You've upset her now. You upset her, you upset me, all right?
Let's go, let's go, Jim. Chip shop will be shut.
Time for some more questions.
For our next question, it's over to Olympic heart-throb Tom Daley.
Hi, Jimmy. Now, diving involves lots of weird and wonderful terminology.
There are flat hand grabs, the pike and baulks to name but a few,
but what unusual phrase did Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow use
to announce their separation in March this year?
OK, so how did Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
describe their separation?
He's your mate? Yeah. Oh.
I'm going with you then.
Do I have to write it down so you can see it?
Yes.
OK? Dolly Parton drew one of the biggest crowds
ever seen at Glastonbury,
with over 100,000 people seeing her performance.
What I want to know is what did she play
on the rhinestone-studded saxophone that wowed the crowds?
Guess a saxophone song!
Saxophones can't sing.
Oh, yes, they can.
No, no, they can't.
Singing is the verb for the human musical noise
and they have words in them.
Well, OK, I'd like to formally apologise.
If you can find a saxophone song,
then you must have had a talking saxophone
in which case, fucking hell, let's give up on this -
there's a talking saxophone in the room.
Ah. Thanks, man. Time for our next question then.
To ask it, it's only the bloody Inbetweeners.
All right, Jimbo! Jimmy! Bumder.
We had a good year this year, but which singer who rose to fame
this year has a first name that's the Cuban slang for clunge
and a second name that's the German word for sausage?
So the Inbetweeners want to know whose name is "Clunge Sausage"?
What does clunge mean...?
It's a term for the vajajay or the foofoo.
Your front bum.
I have never heard of that word.
Have you heard that word, clunge?
Yes. That sounds... awful.
It sounds like the noise that something makes when it goes in.
Like a Wellington being pulled out of mud. Yeah.
Have you ever used the word clunge?
"Oh, my clunge!"
Yes, yes, numerous times.
I would never.
"Get out my clunge." That's a good one.
"Get out my clunge."
So you're just referring to that you have a clunge?
No, I don't have a clunge, I have a clunge plunger.
That is, that is the correct terminology, I believe.
Yes.
In November, Bob Geldof released a new version of
Do They Know It's Christmas to raise money for Ebola.
The lyric "Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you"
was changed. What I want to know is what was it changed to?
Today.
Aren't you meant to write the answer down, not just say it?
No, we've got it. I'm giving you a clue.
Oh, what's the "clur"?
Jimmy, this is unacceptable, this is racist.
I'm being racially abused here.
You can't fall out with everyone, Mel.
Yes, she can.
OK, for the final question, it's over to our roving reporter,
Jon Snow, who's reporting on one of the biggest songs of the year
but what is it? Over to you, Jon.
A 20-year-old woman from Massachusetts
has been diagnosed with a rare medical condition,
leaving her unable to recognise high-pitched sounds.
Doctors have dismissed the woman's claims that the condition
is linked to her body mass index
but conceded that she does indeed have the boom-boom
that all the boys chase, and all the junk in the right places.
In a statement issued earlier to the skinny bitches, the victim stressed
that although she was indeed bringing booty back, she wished
to assure them that they too were perfect from the bottom to the top.
Thank you, Jon.
Mel, you look confused.
You've just got to write down the song he's talking about.
This is your area, Mel.
There's like a few booty songs out there.
Well, this is one of them.
There's lots of them.
I was having trouble -
"Which of the booty songs is it?" I was asking myself.
Well, don't mention, just write down the one you think it might be.
Called booty?
How does it go?
# Big booty, I got a big booty, work, big booty... #
Why am I even singing?
I was going to say something there that would have...
Shut up, shut up!
I was so close but I didn't feel we were comfortable enough yet
to say it.
OK, right let's get some answers. You all got something written down?
Yes. OK, right, so Tom Daley asked you what unusual turn of phrase
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow used to describe their split.
Kevin and Sarah, what have you put?
Genital disconnection or conscious uncoupling or unconscious coupling,
but that feels wrong, doesn't it?
Unconscious coupling could get you into a lot of trouble.
Let's not even talk about that. I think it's conscious uncoupling -
but genital disconnection's like more immediate,
like just when you're just like, "Just get out my clunge," like that.
Yeah!
POP!
That's how they should have announced it, they should've said...
Cos it's the most pretentious thing
they possibly could have said, "conscious uncoupling".
They should've followed it up with a...
POP!
Do you do sound effects for porn films?
Parp-parp. There's a bigger one.
That is an amazing clown horn. Thanks.
What did you get, David, Richard?
Yeah, consciously uncoupling,
which does sound like something a sentient train would do.
Micky and Mel, did you get this?
Yeah.
One went vegan and the other one didn't, so they split.
It's really obvious.
Can you imagine how happy the kids were though once they broke up?
"Yes! Nando's at last."
I can't give you a point for that because it's wrong.
Sarah, Kevin, you get a point, David and Richard, you get a point.
So what did Dolly Parton play on the rhinestone-studded saxophone
at Glastonbury?
We came up with an answer that we are equally responsible for.
Yes.
Which is Nine To Five.
What a little bitch.
OK, I can tell you that is the wrong answer.
Kevin and Sarah?
The Benny Hill Theme.
You guys, did you get this as well?
It was Yakety Sax, best known as the theme from Benny Hill,
and she played it in Glastonbury.
Take a look.
I wanted to do something special.
So I put the stones all over this.
And now let me see if I can do the rest. You ready?
All right.
I mean, the crowd went absolutely wild.
That's testament to how powerful the drugs were at Glastonbury this year.
They went, "This is good!"
So the Inbetweeners asked you whose name can literally be
translated to "Clunge Sausage".
What did you write?
I wrote this. Go on, go on.
I just had some recollection of the chap with
the beard in the Eurovision Song Contest,
saying there was some sort of play on words with his name.
Kevin and Sarah, did you know this?
This is Conchita Sausage, no Conchita Wurst.
Wurst is apparently the German for sausage. "Ita" implies small.
So it means like, small clunge sausage.
Like a clungette.
A clungette? Mm.
Very dainty.
David, Richard?
Yeah, we put the same thing. Yeah.
We just went with truth.
OK, the answer is Conchita Wurst. David, you've got a beard.
Have you ever considered growing your hair out?
Well, my hair is quite long at the moment, yes.
You should really think about getting extensions
cos it would look terrific on you.
Thank you.
I asked you what the lyric in Do They Know It's Christmas
was changed to. Did you get this?
I thought it was, "Thank God tonight it's just the flu".
Kevin, Sarah did you know this?
It's "reaching out and touching some..."
Like, "I'm reaching out and touching you"
or, "Reaching out and touching your Ebola".
That's...
It is, it is "reaching out and touching you",
"Well, tonight we're reaching out and touching you,"
which, if someone's got Ebola is a terrible idea.
It's literally the worst thing you can do. Yeah.
It's literally the worst thing you can do
but I mean they're recommending it in a song so fuck it, let's do it.
Reaching out and touching your Ebola, that's our answer.
The song was more about raising money than to be
a sort of treating Ebola mnemonic.
It wasn't like... But still they could have said reaching out
and like but touching, like near you.
Reaching out and sort of...
Tonight, we're raising money.
Don't know what that is. What's that?
Physically distancing ourselves from you
because, for fuck's sake, you've got Ebola.
It's not as catchy, what you just said though, is it?
I couldn't see them all...
I tell you what's "catchy", Ebola!
What did you put?
I've got a brand new combine harvester.
Sorry, so can I just...? So you thought the lyric,
"Well, thank God it's them instead of you," was changed to...?
"I've got a brand new combine harvester".
He's a plagiarist.
That really feels like they're rubbing it in.
It's absolutely fine,
you're so sensitive about these issues of taste and decency, Jimmy.
It's absolutely fine.
If it was about a famine campaign, yes, it would be insensitive
to mention a combine harvester, but as it's a disease, it's fine.
It's just chit chat.
I think genuinely the lyric they replaced,
"Thank God it's them instead of you"
I thought was the most honest lyric in the whole song
because that's exactly what everyone in the West thinks
about the fucked parts of the world, global issues!
We think, thank God the global issues tend to happen abroad.
Finally, you saw Jon Snow reporting on a smash hit of the year.
What did you think it was?
Well, I said it was the Booty song...
from J.Lo.
And you agreed, didn't you? Yeah.
You thought it was J.Lo's...
Because you know that song, don't you? I've got the album.
I got it at the car booty sale.
Kevin, Sarah, did you...?
"All About The Baass."
Bass.
No, the "baass", All About The Bass it's called.
Megan Trainor, All About The Bass is the right answer.
David, did you get this? You're a big pop music guy.
I, I didn't contribute to this answer. Richard wrote this.
I wrote this in collaboration with Ben Elton.
What did you write?
Bass Song that widens the parameters for objectification, thank you.
Is Jon Snow actually going to release that,
the way he said it there? Cos I'd buy that cos he was awesome.
Well, if you want to see awesome, check him dancing to it.
Jon Snow! The bootilicious Jon Snow there.
OK, let's see what that's done to the scores.
So, Micky and Mel have six points,
Kevin and Sarah have ten points,
David and Richard have eight.
Join us for part three. See you after the break.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the Year.
This round is all about the year's television.
Kylie Minogue replaced Jessie J on The Voice.
The Voice's USP is that the judges don't see you
when you're auditioning, and then, in a weird twist,
after you've won it, the public don't see you either.
Peter Capaldi became the new Doctor Who.
I watched the whole series and, to be honest, it was just
nice to see an old Scottish man in a phone box, who wasn't urinating.
I'll take that.
We invented the phone
so we're entitled to use the phone box
for whatever reason we see fit.
If you invent something, Jimmy, you can piss on it.
That's the rules.
Look at James Dyson.
Chris Packham criticised Ant and Dec for allowing the killing of
creepy crawlies on I'm A Celebrity, and said they were misunderstood.
Of course they were misunderstood - they're both Geordies.
Let's remind ourselves what we watched this year.
Time to go and be Sherlock Holmes.
Monster Munch? No.
Doctor!
You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
You bastard!
Good night and goodbye.
Fucking idiot!
You can't hit me, I'm a child.
You're right. But he can.
Ha-ha!
OK.
Question time. First up, James Turner Street
was all over the news in January this year. Why?
Don't say the answer, Kevin.
OK, I'm not going to say the answer. I'll spank your bottom.
Don't incentivise him, Sarah. I'll not spank your bottom.
I don't want to give anybody else a BENEFIT here.
OK, you all got something?
Micky, have you got something for this?
Yes. Aces. OK.
Next question - after Top Gear were thrown out of Argentina
for displaying an offensive number plate,
the Argentinian police found another number plate in Clarkson's car.
What did the second number plate say?
So the first number plate was H982 FKL, which people thought
was a reference to the Falklands war in 1982.
There was a second number plate found in the boot of the car.
What did it say?
Can I ask an audience member?
Um, no.
Ah.
For our next question, it's over to the queen of King's Landing,
Game of Thrones star, Natalie Dormer.
Hello, Jimmy.
On the set of Game of Thrones, I'm used to some pretty high-end drama
but that's nothing compared to what unfolded
on The Great British Bake Off.
This 31-year-old bearded hipster, Iain Watters,
was voted off in controversial circumstances, but
what did he do?
That was Natalie Dormer there.
If I'm honest, I didn't hear anything she said.
So Natalie wants to know what Ian Watters did
to get voted off this year's Great British Bake Off.
At this year's Oscars, Ellen de Generes and Bradley Cooper
took this selfie that became the most re-tweeted picture ever.
OK?
Here's the same shot from behind
so this was while they were taking that selfie.
What I want to know is, who missed out on being in the photo?
OK, write down your answers. Kevin Bridges, write down your answer.
Do not say it out loud.
OK, I will not say. No clues.
John Terry, was it?
Don't give it away!
Mel?
Yeah?
I guess you guys have made up, have you?!
I knew I'd win her over in the end!
What was going on there?
No, I didn't want to say "move",
so I just leaned over to really get a look.
Well, I don't think we...
Because I know the answer. You wait and see.
OK. Posh period drama Downton Abbey returned
to our screens in September.
We were all devastated when the Downton dog sadly died.
What was its rather unfortunate name?
What was the Downton dog called?
I don't want, I don't want to get in your head, Mel.
Richard's eating another... I know.
I think it's the way that you're eating it.
It's, like, kind of disturbing.
I think it's just because I'm very sexual?
Let's not go any further down this road!
I think I know where this... OK, ready for some answers?
Yes.
OK, I asked you why James Turner Street
caused such controversy earlier in the year.
What did you all think?
Benefits Street, the show.
It was dubbed "poverty porn", that's what they call it, no?
I think they did, yeah.
Does people wank off to that, then?
Benefits Street would be a challenging wank for...
I think you could do it, Jimmy.
I believe in you, Flower. I probably could.
Thank you. You're welcome!
Did you get this as well, David and Richard? Yes.
"Featured in Benefits Street."
Benefits Street, or as we like to call it, Memory Lane.
It was of course that it was the location for the controversial
documentary series, Benefits Street.
I asked you what the second number plate
found in Jeremy Clarkson's car said.
What did you all think?
I just put down a random number plate.
That is the right answer, Micky. You nailed it.
No, it's not, it's not LX6 2CW.
You're joking!
Has he changed his car?
David, Richard, did you...?
We didn't know, so we wrote that,
which is an amusing number plate
that might exist,
which would be B008 LES
which would spell "boobless" -
nearly, but you'd need another S
and we thought it could be provided
by an "S" Sweden sticker.
Kevin, Sarah?
BE11 END, which,
it could be perceived as saying "Bellend".
Bellend is exactly the right answer, yeah, you get a point for that.
You guys don't get points. Ah!
OK. Next up, the beautiful Natalie Dormer asked you what Iain Watters
did that got him voted off the Great British Bake Off.
What have you written?
I think he sort of chucked it or something
all over Mary Berry. Cake.
He went, "Have that, you bitch!"
Chucked cake is, I think I may give you that.
Did you get this?
Well, I wrote "put his pudding in the bin"
and Kevin changed it to "pulled his pudding"
because, is that a reference to masturbation, Kevin?
Erm...
It's terrible when your mum pulls you up on this stuff, isn't it?
I didn't pull him.
It is good for the programme at least once
to have some sexual innuendo in it.
Not all the time but just at one point in the two hours,
something a little bit saucy!
David, Richard? Well, we put
"Baked Alaska bin."
I think you all get a point. Well, let's take a look.
Where's my ice cream?
It's here, sorry, Iain.
Argh!
Well, you've got your own freezer, haven't you?
Someone's taken it out of the freezer, and it's all melting.
Eurgh!
OK, all right, so let's think about how we'll present that.
That's not...
I've got a thrilling suggestion.
Ah! Oh!
No, no, no, no, you've got...
They could have got it back out the bin.
I'd have eaten it out of the bin.
Have you ever eaten anything out of a bin?
I ate a croissant out of a bin once.
I told my friend and she went, "Ooh, croissant!"
So who didn't quite make it into the Oscar selfie?
What did you think, Micky and Mel?
Elton.
Elton's at every party, isn't he?
It was a long shot.
We just thought he would have turned up.
You thought that was Elton at the back there.
Liza Minnelli!
Well, you know how you've got to write down the right answer?
Kevin, Sarah, what's your answer?
We wrote down "Liza Minnelli".
Well, you didn't,
you wrote down "Liza My Nelly".
I just thought I'd get my arse in it somehow.
David, Richard, did you get this?
We kind of thought of short people
and we thought, "Gosh, that would be amusing, wouldn't it?"
Because these short people are hard to see
when there are larger objects in front of them.
It's just constantly amusing to me.
And two short people we thought of were Bernie Ecclestone,
which was also a kind of back reference,
and then we put Liza Minnelli, who we just thought...
Liza Minnelli, I'm going to give you a point,
you both get points for that.
That's Liza Minnelli, let's take a look. Yeah, there she is.
And finally I asked you what was the name of
the dearly-departed Downton dog. What did you put?
We knew this one, Isis Dog.
Yes, Isis.
I would have accepted Islamic State or Isil.
Kevin, Sarah?
Al, the dog's name was Al. Al-Qaeda.
No, then we put Isis.
David, Richard, did you get this? We got Isis.
OK, so points all round on that one.
OK, now it's time for a special bonus round about films.
I'm going to show you pictures from three of the biggest movies
of the year, which have been subtly improved.
All I want you to do is tell me what are the films.
So here's the first one.
That is the sex tape that me and Sarah made, which is...
That's why I look so disgusted in the picture!
I'll show you the second one.
David and I had summer jobs.
So what film was that from?
Third one.
It's good that I don't look too happy about that.
Hours in make-up.
I'd had my hair done special.
OK, have you all got three answers? Yep.
Let's have a look. The first one?
Interstellar?
There's no-one green in Interstellar!
My TV's going, that's what it is.
What do you think the second one was?
Pink Panther.
And what was the third one?
We decided that was The Wicked Witch.
For somebody who may not have seen it, it's just come out last night.
Kevin and Sarah, what did you get?
Well, the first one's got Galaxy in the name but I can't remember
but it's got a dancing tree.
The second one, I think it's the Grand Budapest Hotel.
And then the third one
is all pornography.
David, Richard, you seem to have nailed this one. What have you got?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
So Guardians of the Galaxy.
Here's how it should have looked.
Grand Budapest Hotel.
Fair enough.
Maleficent.
And Maleficent.
That was it!
Well, we just said.
But it was there, it was there!
No, it wasn't.
Micky, that's not the answer, mate.
It is, Jimmy, it is.
OK.
Ha-ha-ha!
Well, let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.
Micky and Mel have nine points,
David and Richard have 15.
Out in the lead,
it's Kevin and Sarah with 17 points!
It's time to take a break. We'll see you in a few minutes.
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
This round is all about the internet.
The Queen's first ever tweet was about the science museum.
The next 90 were pictures of the corgis looking cute,
a selfie of a stamp and attempts to troll Fergie.
An American man live tweeted that he'd been
trapped in a Waterstones after staff accidentally locked him in.
Must have been so boring. I've no idea how he kept himself occupied.
I just hope he had YouTube on his phone.
For younger viewers,
a Waterstones is like a really big Kindle that you can walk around.
Robbie Williams videoed himself singing various songs
to his wife during her labour,
and if you're wondering what he opened with,
I think it was some forceps.
It's all right. OK, you ready for some big fat questions? Yep.
Course you are. OK. Take a look at this clip of Bono.
What I want to know is what is he apologising for?
Oops. Erm...
I'm sorry about that. Erm, I had this beautiful idea.
Might've got carried away with ourselves, erm...
Artists are prone to that kind of thing.
Drop of megalomania.
Erm, touch of generosity.
Dash of self-promotion.
And deep fear.
You all right there, Mickey?
It's like knobhead lessons, isn't it?
From an expert.
Just say sorry, mate.
OK, for our next question, it's over to the one and only Lily Allen.
Hi, Jimmy.
Now, I have dealt with my fair share of online haters
but nothing compared to poor old Dong Nguyen
who withdrew from public life after he was accused of creating
something almost as addictive as crack,
and distracting the children of the world.
But what was it that he had created?
OK, so what did don Dong Nguyen create?
This was methamphetamine.
Almost as addictive as crack.
It was not methamphetamine. I can tell you that.
OK, so what did Dong Nguyen create?
Crowd funding website Kickstarter continued to finance
projects of budding entrepreneurs
but what unassuming project raised an unexpected £55,000 this year?
Sarah has thought of something filthy, it would appear.
Just laughing at Kevin.
That's what he's for.
In a good way. That sounds really...
Yeah, it's what he's for.
It's all he's bloody good for, laughing at.
Fair enough, that is his job. OK.
This is Japanese politician Ryutaro Nonomura
being questioned about his expenses in a press conference.
His reaction to the questioning went viral. What was so unusual about it?
Erm, are you planning to take over the world?
That laugh suggests that you're maybe planning to do something evil.
No.
OK, what internet fad did Charlie Sheen do with £10,000,
Matt Damon do with toilet water,
and Patrick Stewart replace with a glass of whisky?
So, what did Charlie Sheen do with £10,000,
Matt Damon do with toilet water
and Patrick Stewart replace with a glass of whisky?
OK, have you all got any answers?
Kevin, Sarah, you got... Yeah. Yup. OK.
Richard, David, you got answers? Yes, thank you. Yeah.
You saw a clip of Bono apologising. What was he apologising for?
They basically put their album on to everybody's iPhone for free.
That's what I...
Cos I woke up in the morning and I just thought,
"Man, I'm not going in today."
Just saved myself £7.20.
Did you think it was a good idea, Mel?
I thought it was a great idea.
Yeah, I didn't think you were allowed
to put shit through people's letter boxes.
Kevin, Sarah, did you get this?
Yeah. Forced.
Underlined the word forced as well. Forced his album on...
Have you written, "Hi, Jimmy," and then drawn a dick?
No, they're separate, man. Hi, Jimmy. Paranoid, aren't you?
Bloody hell. There happens to be a dick there as well.
David and Richard, did you get this?
I mean, what he says would apply to a new aftershave.
A dash of whatever it was, self-importance.
A flavour of self-promotion.
Little scent of guff.
His new aftershave.
He must have an aftershave.
He's got a dog food, hasn't he? Bono has not got a dog food.
That's Bonio, and you know that's Bonio.
OK, so the free download of his album is the right answer.
Apple uploaded U2's album to everyone's iTunes account,
whether they wanted it or not. Next question.
Lily Allen asked you what Dong Nguyen created
that distracted the children of the world.
What do you think?
We went a bit old school. I think we might be a bit out of whack.
Cos I was saying Bejeweled.
It's something like Bejeweled,
and then you said that new version is Angry Birds. No.
No, I said Flappy Bird.
Flappy Bird? Yeah. Angry Bird is quite old, isn't it?
I don't know cos I don't play those things.
Don't say the Angry Bird is quite old, Mickey.
You are playing with fire.
I think I'm tempted to give you a point there because you knew it.
I would. You knew it, Mickey. You said Flappy Bird.
I knew it was a bird doing something.
OK, what did you get, David and Richard?
For this one, I had no idea.
Flappy chicken.
Well, I will give you that on the same basis
that they got Angry Bird, you got Flappy Chicken. It's Flappy Bird.
Oh, right.
What did you get, Kevin?
Game. Something birds. We knew it was something birds and it was a game.
OK, you can all have a point with that.
Dong Nguyen was the creator of Flappy Bird.
He took the game off sale because he said,
"I don't need the attention. I don't need the hassle."
He didn't want the attention? And yet we bring it up.
The very point he wants everyone to stop talking about.
Who compared it to crack? In terms of how addictive it is?
Cos surely you'd need somebody who's tried crack and played this game?
Can you imagine?
If it's genuinely more addictive than crack,
that people who are addicted to crack forget to take crack
because they're so keen to play this game.
That would be brilliant.
"Oh, my God, I haven't had any crack for two days!"
This guy has invented a cure for crack addiction
and now he's taken it off the market.
Thanks very much, Mr Flappy Bird BLEEP.
OK. Next up,
I asked you what unassuming project raised over £55,000 on Kickstarter.
What did you all think?
Well, I didn't write this one. OK.
We didn't have a clue, so Mel kept saying she wants a glass of wine
so I thought I'd take this opportunity to ask.
Can Mel have a wine?
Yeah.
So what did you get, David, Richard?
It's already crossed out on the thing, so, I mean...
I don't know. You read it out.
I'm tired, I'm depressed, we're completely demoralised.
So, you put a foot pedal operated cake bin? Yeah.
OK, Kevin, Sarah, what did you get?
Potato salad. That's the right answer. How much did they raise?
He raised £55,000 for a potato salad.
He used the money to hold a festival called Potatostock 2014,
with bands, food and potato salad, of course,
to raise money for charity in the end.
Aww. He though he'd do something good with it.
All right, so you saw a picture of a Japanese politician,
Ryutaro Nonomura, being asked questions about his expenses.
What was unusual about his reaction to the questioning?
Yeah, he was getting really upset and crying, from what I remember.
It's quite something.
Yeah, he was crying, but as I remember,
it looked like he was really trying to cry
and that he'd done something that was obviously wrong
and he was trying to seem upset about it so people might take pity on him.
I think he genuinely looked upset,
but you can judge for yourselves in a second.
Did you get this, Kevin? Sarah?
He either cried or he gets his cock out, cos either would be unusual.
You wanted unusual, that's unusual.
I normally do them both at the same time.
I have a very specific order I work in.
OK, let's have a look, shall we? Let's treat ourselves.
You know what would've been really funny, Jim,
if at the end, that desk just fell in half.
OK, I think you all got that, yeah, well done.
OK, I asked you what did Matt Damon do with toilet water,
Patrick Stewart do with a glass of whisky
and Charlie Sheen do with £10,000?
What do you have?
The ice bucket thing. And I did that. Did you do that? Freezing, yeah.
Kevin, Sarah, what did you get?
We got ice bucket challenge. Lovely. David? Richard?
We also got ice bucket challenge.
Should we have a look at the greatest ever ice bucket challenge?
Let's take a look.
My water challenge...
I nominate Marshall, Adam, Chantal.
Look out.
Fuckin' hell!
Nothing we say this evening will be as funny as that.
So, it's the part of the show where I introduce a mystery guest.
All you have to do is guess who they are
and how they made the news this year.
You can only ask yes or no questions.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest.
Now, I don't want to say too much. They're going to ask you questions.
Yes or no questions only, and he will reveal afterwards...
Sorry, are yes or no questions, "Yes?" And, "No?"
Or questions to which the answer is yes or no?
Can I ask, did you win Eurovision? No.
Is the thing that happened to you, or you did,
a thing about which you are pleased?
Yes.
Did you create something very unique?
No. Was it a protest sort of thing?
You're sort of on the right lines there. Not deliberate, but, yeah.
What do you mean, not deliberate? Well, that's exactly what I mean.
I'm not giving you any more clues. Was it an accidental protest?
Yes. Did you get stuck in Waterstones?
No. No, that could've been a protest against books.
Did you get arrested for something? Yes.
Are you a criminal? No.
Did this thing happen in Britain? Yes.
Did it involve someone quite high ranking? Yes.
OK, I think you've asked enough questions.
I think you need to write down what you think it might be.
I know this guy. Are you a keen jogger? Yeah.
Have you ever met the Prime Minister?
Yeah.
Kevin, you are the worst at this game.
C, A, M...
Oh, you're such shit...
Next time, can I be on somebody else's team, please?
OK, let's have a look and see what everyone wrote.
OK, Mickey and Mel, you've got... He done Cameron, didn't he?
Done him. Straight in, bosh, get over there, you posh bastard.
Kevin and Sarah, what did you get? Attempted to kill the Prime Minister.
With sport. Attempted to kill with sport.
David, Richard, what did you get?
Jogged into David Cameron.
The Prime Minister of here.
Should we take a look at you in action? Yeah.
Well, we got that on camera.
Excellent, OK. So, tell us what happened.
Who are you, and what happened?
My name's Dean Farley, and I ran into the Prime Minister.
Round of applause, I think.
So, what happened? I was running on my way to the gym.
I tried to run around this bunch of men in suits.
Right, and then into...
Into the Prime Minster, and then into the back of the police van.
What kind of contact did you make? Did you properly went over?
Er, that's probably about as... So, nothing, really.
Was he quite firm?
No.
His security guards are, though.
And then, presumably, they just went, "Oh, just a misunderstanding.
"Just a bloke out for a jog. Not a problem." No.
Not by a long shot. What happened?
I got taken down by the security team, cuffed. Right.
And then thrown in a van for an hour.
Did they even talk to you when you were... No.
They just put you in the van? They just put me in the van.
And what were they doing then? Having lunch.
OK, well, let's take a look and see what that's done to the scores.
So, Mickey and Mel have 14 points.
They're in last place.
David and Richard have 19 points.
Kevin and Sarah are in the lead at the moment with 23 points.
Time now to take another break, but one more time, Dean Farley.
Well done, Sir. Good work. Thank you so much for coming on.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the Year.
This part is all about the sporting events of the last 12 months.
Earlier this year, Kevin Pietersen was banished from the England cricket team.
If you're not sure how cricket works, it's a bit like football,
except when you get caught out,
it's not with six hookers in a Travelodge.
The Queen's Gold Cup-winning horse tested positive for morphine.
On a serious note, if you're a horse and someone offers you drugs,
just say neigh.
Lewis Hamilton sealed his second Formula One world championship
with victory in Abu Dhabi
or, to explain it to Richard and David,
a man went very fast in a car.
Sport!
Right, more questions for everyone, OK, all about sport.
OK, my first question,
it could not be more simple. Take a look at this photograph.
What just happened?
I mean, seriously, can we just opt out of this round?
Look at us. You'll be fine, you'll get this one.
This could not be easier. I'm going to guess.
He actually knows the answer. OK, everyone got something on this?
You got this, Mel? Oh, yeah, we have got this.
You're nailing this? OK, cool.
Next up, it's over to footballing legend, Rio Ferdinand.
Now 2014 has been an unbelievable year for sport,
setting Twitter alight.
One particular sporting moment got an amazing 35 million tweets,
making it the most tweeted-about sporting event ever, but what was it?
OK, so Rio Ferdinand wants to know -
what was the most tweeted-about sporting event ever?
Badminton.
I could give you a clue. Everyone can get a clue.
It's not badminton.
Which badminton isn't?
The game badminton or the horse trials Badminton?
I can tell you it's not the racket sport badminton. OK.
Take a look at this clip of a farmer, Keith Chapman.
Why is he doing this to his sheep?
Play the right clip!
He says, "Oh," he says,
"You don't fancy colouring sheep for me, do you?"
I says, "Yeah," I says, "I'll shear them
"and then get some dye and dye them for you."
Anyway, we got this dye that we use for tupping time, you know,
marking it, and I mixed it with water and put it on.
It was just like having a bath, really.
That was Keith Chapman.
Why did he do that to his sheep?
OK. And finally... Glasgow hosted the Commonwealth Games this year.
One of the most memorable moments took place when the Queen
attended the Australia versus Malaysia hockey match.
What did she do that made global headlines?
The Commonwealth Games were on?
Yes.
How often does that happen?
The Commonwealth Games were on, they were in Glasgow.
What did the Queen do that made global headlines?
OK, have you all got something?
Well, let's get some answers. I showed you this picture.
What had just happened?
There was an incident where Suarez bit this chap on the shoulder.
Do you know who he bit?
Er...
one of the other players.
OK, not too much detail. Kevin?
Italian defender, Giorgio Chiellini.
Yeah, Giorgio Chiellini, the Italian footballer,
was bitten by Luis Suarez.
Actually, Suarez explained that he actually lost his balance
and he fell, and his mouth was open and his teeth went
and hit off Chiellini's shoulder.
That's why he's holding his two front teeth.
That's like "I fell on the Hoover," isn't it?
Did you get this, David and Richard? I don't know who these people are.
I thought, I had a vague sense that there was some
kind of cannibalism incident in the World Cup and I wondered
whether this was a picture that referred to it,
but I didn't realise it was a shoulder, I thought it was an ear.
You're thinking, I think, of Mike Tyson about 15 years ago.
That's the last sporting incident I heard of.
Oh, I just heard Mike Tyson bit someone's ear.
I thought, "Oh, that's a bit rough for boxing."
No points for you, I'm afraid.
Rio Ferdinand asked you,
"What became the most tweeted-about sporting event in history?"
I presume, Mel, did you get this?
World Cup in Brazil, I think.
But what was the specific event?
When Germany were winning 7-1.
Kevin and Sarah?
Kevin's written "Brazil getting humped...
"7-1 in the World Cup semifinal in Brazil."
There's a lot of information there,
almost like it's like a two-pointer, that one, isn't it?
David and Richard, you've written exactly the same thing again.
That looks like a computer glitch, we've just reprinted the answer.
We're going to write "someone bit an ear" for every answer from now on.
OK, fine. I showed you a clip of farmer Keith Chapman.
Why had he done that to his sheep?
Well, I didn't really have a clue. Mel, you explain this.
Well, I think up north,
there's like rumours that go round about what happens to sheep.
Right.
That get looked after by their sheep-looker-aftererer.
I think shepherd is the term that... we're using in English.
And I think they were just made to look sexier.
It's a very good answer.
I mean, it is the sports round and that was really a clue.
Kevin, Sarah, what did you put?
Does it make them taste better?
Like when you prepare them for eating?
Does it make, like... Is it like a flavour rather than a colouring?
David, Richard, presumably you didn't get this, did you?
I think we rather did, actually. What did you put?
Thanks for the preconceptions about us!
We put "Because of the Tour de France."
That's the right answer! Yes.
As you can see there, he decorated his sheep so that they matched
the colours of the shirts in the Tour de France. Fantastic,
you get a point. A point to David and Richard on sport, come on!
Slightly patronising, if we're honest, but still nice.
OK, four. What did the Queen do at the Australia versus Malaysia
women's hockey match that made global headlines?
I thought the thing that really made everyone shocked
was that she did a day's work.
No. It was she walked into a photo that some people were taking,
which is just absolutely unbelievable.
It blew me away really, it's like, you know...
The Queen to be in a photo!
Unbelievable! What's happening in this country?
Kevin, what have you written?
Photo bomb, we got the correct answer.
David, Richard, did you get this?
We put she ended up in the back of some hockey players' selfie.
Let's take a look at the Queen. There she is.
So you all get a point for that! Well done, everyone.
And now it's time for two very special guests.
The first ever gold medal
winners at the Winter Paralympics, Kelly Gallagher and Charlotte Evans.
Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming on
Did you curtsey? You've done a curtsey!
That's my favourite thing that's ever happened.
Well, first of all, gold medal winners at a Paralympics.
Incredible. Incredible experience.
Could you... talk me through how your sport works?
So basically we communicate through headsets in our helmets,
and I can communicate to Kelly, and Kelly can communicate to me.
At what kind of speed? At 75, 80mph.
OK, it's quite fast to be skiing downhill.
And you're visually impaired. Yeah.
And so how... What attracted you to this sport?
I love it. Like, I can't drive a car safely, definitely,
or ride a horse or cycle a bike or just generally running.
I'm a bit clumsy, so having Charlotte in front of me
and that sense of freedom and being able to just ski all over
the mountain, and it's those high speeds, it's just incredible.
I love it. It sounds really cheesy, doesn't it?
It doesn't sound cheesy at all.
It sounds, it sounds like the most exciting thing
that could possibly happen.
OK, so you've got a question, what's your question?
Our event, the super-G,
is one of the many outdoor events at the Winter Games.
We would like to ask you to name three indoor events
that was covered in the Winter Olympic and Paralympic Games.
OK, so a point for each, you've got to name indoor events
at the Winter Olympics and Paralympic Games.
Curling!
No, don't say... Kevin,
you are literally the worst at this!
Everyone else is able to write things down.
I'm going to write curling down,
and then I'm going to... I think that's the wrong answer anyway.
Have you got any other thoughts of what it could be?
No, you don't get to know.
Hang on, while they're writing things down,
have you had any accidents while you've been...?
Yes. I skied into a rope and I... pulled my face apart to here.
You did what?! Yeah.
You skied into a rope and pulled your face apart.
Yeah, like that, and then these all came out. I thought
I'd lost my teeth, and I was just screaming about how
I used to have beautiful teeth. There was blood everywhere.
She was searching through snow for my teeth.
Searching through the snow for your teeth!
That's a disaster.
I was searching for these teeth that were in her mouth.
Then everyone kept on going, "It's fine, it's fine,"
and they'd take the gauze away and they'd go, "Oh!"
It was horrible, it was really bad.
Are you going to go to the next Olympics? Yeah.
All right. Love it. Bloody marvellous.
Well, you'd better win again because I'll put money on it this time.
All right, so what have you got, what have you got? Micky and Mel?
Mel wanted to put down horse racing. No, I did not.
No, curling, we thought would be one. Curling!
I wonder where you got that idea from.
And then we had ice hockey.
Ice hockey is, yeah. I thought of that.
And then you've also written... And then I thought of basketball.
Well done, well done. And swimming.
But they could use maybe a snowball and make it more wintry.
Yeah. OK, two out of three's not bad. Kevin, Sarah?
We've got curling as well, I don't know where we got that from.
I just went mental here, Jimmy. I just forgot indoor sports.
I've just put pool, darts.
What else did you write?
Arm wrestling and bare bum boxing.
They tend to be indoors because otherwise you just get chaps.
And what else have you written?
Playing the fruit machine.
You are the most Glaswegian man there's ever been.
You consider playing the fruit machine a sport?
How can you play it outdoors?
Where are you going to plug it in, for a start?
OK. David, Richard, what did you get?
We've just got the lot.
Snow football, tundra squash.
Ice badminton, speed skating. Is that...?
Speed skating is... I mean, that's right.
Figure skating and we put curling. Well, you've got three.
Yeah.
You could have had curling, wheelchair curling,
speed skating, figure skating, ice hockey, ice sledge hockey.
Let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.
Micky and Mel have 19 points.
David and Richard aren't far ahead with 24.
Kevin and Sarah in the lead with 27.
OK, time for a quick break, but again, please give it up
for gold medal winners Kelly Gallagher and Charlotte Evans.
See you in a bit.
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
This round, it's all about the famous faces that defined the year.
In January, former BNP leader Nick Griffin was declared bankrupt,
so that's socially, morally and now financially.
He's got the full set.
The Oscar Pistorius trial dominated the news.
The prison Pistorius is now in is notorious for violence,
AIDS and murder.
Mind you, it is in South Africa,
so it still gets three stars on TripAdvisor.
Vladimir Putin's actions in Ukraine caused controversy.
The only way Putin could be less popular now in the West
is if he banged the John Lewis penguin on the steps of the Kremlin.
Let's have a look at some questions.
First up, it's time to say what you see.
Have a look at your screens.
What news story are these pictures spelling out?
Kevin Bridges, shush.
Are we writing it down?
Write it down, yeah. OK.
I mean, I would've though a pattern was emerging now, Sarah, but OK.
Don't fucking start.
OK, for our next question, it's over to pop princess Pixie Lott.
Hi, Jimmy.
Now, I've been fortunate enough to walk a few red carpets this year
and it's important to look good.
But at the Berlin Film Festival in February,
Shia LaBeouf decided to walk the red carpet with a paper bag on his head.
But what had he written on his bag?
What did Shia LaBeouf have written on the paper bag
he wore on his head at the Berlin Film Festival?
That is what Pixie Lott wants to know.
She's dying to know.
She's sat at home now thinking,
"When are they going to bloody tell me?"
OK, this summer, everyone was talking about the lavish wedding
of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
The dress code for guests was black tie,
but what did Will Smith's son Jaden Smith decide to wear instead?
I can tell from the rocking of her shoulders there,
you said something filthy.
Yep.
If you're 100% honest, Mel, are you slightly falling for Micky?
And it's OK to say you are.
I think he's a lovely guy.
I think he's got a little bit shocked tonight.
I don't think you were yourself tonight.
I don't think you are having as much fun as you should've been.
Do you think he chose the wrong song?
Mel, can I just say, I am ready to give the next round 100%. Thank you.
I don't feel like I've been myself tonight.
I know, that's what I'm saying.
But, please, please give me one more chance.
I promise I'll come through for you.
If you want to hear a tragic back story, Micky, let loose.
I've got one wooden buttock.
For our next question,
it's over to one of Britain's finest character actors, Mr Charles Dance.
He's reading an extract from one of the biggest-selling
autobiographies of the year.
Who is the mystery author? Over to you, Charles.
Chapter one.
I went to church dressed as Rudolph once.
I don't know why.
Reindeers are funny, aren't they?
I used to get them confused with dolphins.
I couldn't remember which it was
that Father Christmas drove around in the sky.
And I didn't know what the Nativity was
until someone told me the other day.
I thought it was an activity.
I also thought Jesus' mum was called Zezus
until Helen Flanagan told me it was Mary.
I don't understand much about Easter either.
Apparently it's got nothing to do with eggs, chickens or bunnies.
I know it's to do with Jesus, but I thought the eggs came about
because he was born in hay and you get eggs in hay.
So, whose autobiography was he reading from?
And I can give you a clue, it's not Charles Dance's own.
All right.
Ed Miliband earned the lowest approval ratings
for a Labour leader in years.
In May he was ridiculed in the papers
after he was photographed eating what?
Micky? I'm not going to go there.
Dairylea.
OK, ready for some answers? Yep.
OK, so I showed you a say what you see. What did you see?
David, Richard, talk us through.
Someone bit an ear.
Not the right answer. Damn.
Micky, Mel.
I just saw a guy.
Is he a singer?
Is he a basketball player?
That's Sol Campbell. He's quite a famous man.
Right. I didn't recognise him in that picture.
So you didn't know. You didn't know. Kevin, Sarah, what did you put?
We worked it out. Go on.
Sol Campbell, Angie Watts, Solange.
And that was it, really.
Nick Knowles, er, beet, up.
They're jays, and that's an E.
So, Solange Knowles beat up Jay-Z. Round of applause, I think.
That's the right answer.
Oh, wow.
So, Pixie Lott asked you what was written on Shia LaBeouf's paper hat.
I'm not famous.
That's close enough. You get that. What did you put, Micky, Mel?
Not famous now.
Again, I'd say close enough. What did you get, Kevin and Sarah?
We've got, "I'm no longer famous," or, "If found, please return to..."
I thought it might've just had a big M on,
he might've just been to McDonald's.
There was that as well.
Why did he say that? "I am no longer famous"?
I don't get why that...
People said he was having a breakdown.
I think he just didn't want to be a celebrity any more on the red carpet.
There was a song written about him this year. Did you see this?
It went viral on the internet. It's by Rob Cantor.
Do you want to have a look? It's one of the best things I've ever seen.
You limp into the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg.
You've beaten Shia LaBeouf.
# Wait, he isn't dead
# Shia surprise, there's a gun to your head
# And death in his eyes
# But you can do jujitsu
# Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf
# Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf
# Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf
# You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf
# But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
# He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
# You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
# You're chopping off his head now
# You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf. #
His head topples to the floor, expressionless.
You fall to your knees and catch your breath.
You're finally safe from Shia LaBeouf.
I was meaning to ask, who is Shia LaBeouf?
OK, I asked you what Jaden Smith opted to wear instead of black tie
at Kim and Kanye's wedding.
We just put kilt, because... No, no, you put that.
That's what crazy people wear at weddings, don't they?
"Let's wear a kilt! Wahey!"
I think markedly more crazy than that. Kevin and Sarah?
You put a Millwall shirt.
And what was the other one?
A Sergio Tacchini tracksuit. He's a young kid, isn't he?
That's what kids wear.
Well, kids round your way, yeah. I think...
Is that a point then?
It's not a point. David, Richard?
We put cricket whites, or a Batman outfit.
You've nailed it, both.
He wore an all-white Batman outfit.
You see, how would you two know that
if you don't even know who Shia LaBeouf is?
You're assuming that David Mitchell
and Richard Ayoade weren't at the wedding of the summer?
No, they weren't.
I mean, that is a fair assumption.
OK, so whose autobiography was Charles Dance reading from?
Joey Essex, yes! Oh, hooray, cos we put Joey Essex as well. So did we.
Well, everyone got points for Joey Essex.
I asked you what Ed Miliband was photographed eating.
What did you put?
We believe it was a sandwich. Sandwich.
What was in the sandwich?
Bacon. Mayonnaise. With mayonnaise, yeah.
Which caused all the problems.
Cos it dripped down his face. It all went down.
OK, Kevin, Sarah, did you get this?
Yeah, we put a bacon. We got fed up writing.
Just put "A bacon." Yeah, we just stopped.
Just downed tools. What else can it be? A bacon...
You know the next word's going to be sandwich.
David, Richard, what did you put?
We have elected to write both the word bacon and the word sandwich.
Well, lah-de-dah!
There he is eating a bacon sandwich.
I mean...
I mean, in fairness, it's not a great photo,
but also, what the fuck?
OK, so it was a bacon sandwich. Points all round.
Let's have a look and see how everyone's doing at this stage.
So Micky and Mel have 22 points.
David and Richard have 28 points.
Kevin and Sarah are in the lead with 31.
Time for a quick break and we'll see you in a bit.
Welcome back to the final part of the Big Fat Quiz.
This round's all about the talking points and water cooler moments that defined the year.
The first e-cigarette advert was shown on television.
If there are any children watching,
I'd just like to remind you smoking e-cigarettes is not cool.
You should smoke real ones, then the popular kids will like you.
Renee Zellweger made headlines with her new look.
It certainly raised some eyebrows. And got rid of some wrinkles.
If you're watching, Renee, don't let the accusations get to you.
You just have to take it on where your chin used to be.
Revenge porn was made illegal this year.
Of course, I'd never resort to using revenge porn on an ex.
I think having slept with me is punishment enough.
Ha-ha-ha! I like that one.
Thank you very much.
There was a ring of truth there, I feel.
Let's have a look at some questions.
In October, American artist Paul McCarthy landed himself
in hot water after erecting a Christmas tree sculpture in Paris.
What I want to know is, what was unusual about the sculpture?
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho ha-ha-ha-ha!
Have you got the right answer, Micky? Yep.
It's weird, but it's true.
This is a picture of 18-year-old Australian Jack Cooksey,
who became one of the first people in the world
to buy a brand-new iPhone 6.
What I want to know is, what was the first thing he did with it?
Ah, yeah. Whatcha do with your iPhone, mate?
Yeh bloody larrikin. Yeh drongo.
If you're watching in Australia, I'm trying to do your accent.
If you're watching in New Zealand, I'm accidentally doing your accent.
OK. Erm...
What craze of 2014 saw people learning how to do the "fishtail",
the "dragon scale" and the "inverted hexafish"?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
David Mitchell thinks he's having a breakdown.
I'm hysterical.
I'm just being amused by unusual syllables.
What craze of 2014...
..saw people learn how to do the "fishtail", the "dragon scale"
and the "inverted hexafish"?
Do you know what the answer is?
No.
It's not pop-related, is it?
It's not pop-related, no.
So, we are allowed to ask questions to figure out our answer?
I'm sorry, did I not mention that at the start? No.
Right, OK.
For our next question, it's over to rock gods Status Quo.
Hi, Jimmy. Hello, everyone.
Now, as you know, we've rocked all over the world.
So, our knowledge of global affairs is absolutely first class.
Now, in September, domestic security in China
was at its highest due to pro-democracy protests.
But what bizarre security measures did officials take
to ensure their national holiday celebrations
went off without a hitch? Mmm?
They're the funniest people on the show.
Amazing.
Yeah. They look incredible.
They DO look incredible. They look a little bit like...
I absolutely love Status Quo and that's why they're there,
but they look a little bit like Waldorf and Statler
from The Muppet Show now.
Final question of The Big Fat Quiz 2014 - it's a "say-what-you-see" -
what news story are the pictures spelling out?
Kevin, don't say anything out loud. You're a very naughty boy.
I've not said a word.
Sarah's speaking at a much higher volume than me.
She's a Geordie. She can't help that.
It's lilting and singsongy. Thanks.
If you don't get that story,
then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.
That's the sound that everybody...
There's no murmuring out there.
No murmuring!
OK.
Micky, Mel, write an answer, then we're done with this.
We can move on with our lives.
We don't have lives. That's why we're here.
- You ready for some answers? - Yeah.
What was unusual about the Christmas tree sculpture
that artist Paul McCarthy erected in Paris?
What did you all write?
It resembled a dildo or a buttplug.
A sex toy of some description.
What did you go for, Mel, Micky?
We heard it looked like a dildo.
And David, Richard?
We heard that it looked like, or was perceived to look like,
a sex toy.
I'm going to give points all-round...
No, because he didn't say dildo. Don't give them the point.
Well, hang on, YOU were the ones I was not going to give the point to.
Because it looked like a buttplug,
but I would say a buttplug is a sub-set of dildo.
Let's take a look at it.
That does...
That does look a little bit like a buttplug. I mean, let's face facts.
Whose butt is that going to plug? It's fucking massive.
I asked you, what was the first thing Jack Cooksey did
with his brand-new iPhone 6?
What did you put?
Well, we went old-school on this one. Called Mum.
You think he called his mum?
That's what they tend to do, young people, don't they?
Yeah. They're always calling their mum.
"I've got it, Mum." "Yeah, fuck off, you dickhead."
"I'm trying to watch The Chase here, you little slag."
What a lovely insight into Micky's family life.
"You slag, I'm trying to watch The Chase."
I was going to invite him round for dinner.
Not now... with that kind of language.
Jesus!
Blew it.
Blew it again. At the last minute, Micky.
You were in there.
Story of my life.
Kevin, Sarah?
I think he dropped it, and smashed it,
accidentally or it bent -
it broke in some way.
Well, you've sort of got it. David, Richard?
He dropped it. Let's have a look.
What's your name? Jack. Hi, Jack.
How come you got the first one, Jack?
I have no idea. OK, let's actually open it.
This is the normal iPhone, is it? This is just a normal iPhone 6.
I didn't want a bigger one.
All right. We're doing a reveal. His name's Jack.
WHOA!
O-o-oh. That's so sad.
How's he ever going to come back from that?
What craze saw people learning how to do the "fishtail",
the "dragon scale" and the "inverted hexafish"?
What have you got?
What have you gone for, David?
UKIP.
We thought, "Wouldn't it be lovely
"if it was just a bit of a weird craze?"
What do you think, Kevin, Sarah?
Well, I thought they might be new sex acts that I wasn't aware of.
The "inverted hexafish"?
Yeah. It feels raunchy.
Don't you think? Yeah.
Or loom bands.
Loom bands. What did you make Mel, Micky?
I racked my brains for the last big craze that I remembered
and it was Clackers. Remember Clackers?
So, what have you written there? I used to call them k-nockers,
because I was a very funny little boy.
But then I remembered they were actually called Clackers. OK.
They really took off,
but the kids were hurting themselves and they pulled it from the market.
You had to go underground to get Clackers.
There was a bloke down Brick Lane who still sold them,
but you had to go up to him and go, "Any Clackers about?"
And, every now and then, you'd hear the click of the Clackers
and you'd think, "He's about."
That's the last craze I could think of, Jim.
OK. Knockers, Clackers.
I'm afraid that's not the right answer.
The right answer is loom bands.
Of course. Huge craze.
So, Status Quo asked you,
what bizarre security precautions
Chinese authorities undertook. What did you all put?
They made everyone promise to be good. Let's move on.
Let's move on, Jimmy.
What have you got, Micky?
They were worried...
I don't know what they were worried about...
The pigeons were going to drop.
They were examining the pigeons' rectums for bombs.
I wouldn't have put it like that.
Like security things round pigeons' necks, not up their rectums.
They were looking up their bums. Mel? Mel?
It's the right answer.
He got the right answer? Yeah.
Well, fuck me.
# Don't tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm really, really wrong. #
Someone needs a zig-a-zig-ah.
You didn't really say that. I did just say that.
No, you didn't say that. I did just say that.
No, you fucking didn't just say that.
Jimmy, you need to tell her don't go wasting your precious time.
Oh, my God!
I genuinely...
I genuinely think Mel and Kevin have been getting on all night,
but I think now is the moment when two become one.
I genuinely do, though.
You know what?
I genuinely do.
I said to her, "If you're having trouble on the show...
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."
Jimmy, you've given her everything.
I was giving her everything, yeah. You have given her everything.
All that your joy can bring.
WHAT?! We were just commenting that you, you,
you didn't like those references
and, you know, we were just trying to spice up your life.
I love those references.
Sorry, sorry.
If you want the future, forget the past.
Oh, my God.
Stop right now, for fuck's sake.
I'll give you that.
I've genuinely got a pain in my stomach from laughing at that.
What did you get for this one Kevin, Sarah?
I was unsure of the plural of anus,
so I've put anuses and anusi
just to be...
Hippopotamuses, you know. Hippopotami.
I think the anus-eye is right in the middle of the anus.
And the final question of The Big Fat Quiz...
I asked you to say what you saw. What did you see?
I was so pleased with myself when I got this.
I'm going to... pull off when I get in.
Justin, Bee, Bear...
I helped you with this, by the way.
Eggs, Neighbours, House.
I told you this fucking... answer.
Justin, Bee, Bear, Eggs, Neighbours...
OK, what did you get, Sarah? We got the exact same as that.
Justin Bieber egged a neighbour's house
and the neighbour was clearly Hugh Laurie.
Eggs. Egged. Egged - that's a verb, isn't it?
No, eggs. Eggs.
I think it's a bit slangy.
I think you've let the show down, cos...
..up till now, it's been all classy.
Well, that is your lot. It's time to tot up your scores at home.
There are a possible 41 points on offer this evening.
I don't know how you did at home. Here's how our teams did.
So, in last place, Micky and Mel. But...
Whatever.
..you've made lifelong friends - that's the important thing.
When I turn up on X Factor in about 20 years' time,
I expect a bit of leniency.
OK. In second place,
David Mitchell and Richard Ayoade with 31.
But the winners of The Big Fat Quiz 2014...
Kevin Bridges and Sarah Millican.
Here is your trophy.
Thanks to all our amazing panel, our special guests
and every one of you for watching at home.
Don't forget to tune in for The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz
with Russell Brand, Noel Fielding, Jonathan Ross, Warwick Davis,
Jack Whitehall and Claudia Winkleman
when we celebrate ten years of big fat fun.
I'm Jimmy Carr, this has been The Big Fat Quiz of 2014.
Good night!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.