*RvB Theme*
Simmons: I'm telling you it was here!
It drove by while you were talking.
You had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!
Donut: Well it really sounded like: *machine noises*
*more machine noises*
Simmons: That's not the important part of the story Donut!
Sarge: Sure Simmons, I believe you.
You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously and then just as quickly disappeared.
And you're the only one that can see it.
Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.
Simmons: No I'm not! Donut saw it.
Donut: Yeah!
Sarge: Donut's impressionable.
He'd agree with anything you said.
Donut: Yeah!
Sarge: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.
Donut: Huh! That's not true!
Sarge: Haha. So that's where you draw the line?
Donut: No, I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.
Right? Seriously, right?
Simmons: Okay, well Grif saw it too. We all saw it.
Grif: I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.
Simmons: What?!
Grif: Tank you say?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I was too busy paying attention to our Sergeant while he gave us our orders.
Simmons: Oh really?
Well what did he say?
Grif: Something inspiring about beating the blues. And the base or the flag, or something.
I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too. I was getting a little emotional at the end.
Sarge: See Simmons? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.
Grif: Wow, that might be the first time you ever actually complimente-
Sarge: Shutup dirtbag.
Simmons: Grif, you just told us all two minutes ago that you saw it.
Grif: Yeah, I know. But it's a lot more fun this way.
Church: Agh, man I just cannot fucking stand the idea of my body laid in there.
Andy: Haha! You never looked better!
Church: Hey shut up Andy!
Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times! How about one time?
Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
Tex: This is a long range weapon okay?
I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting it from?
The fucking moon?
If you'd backed up any further you would have had to mail him the bullets.
Tex: You know what?! I work better alone.
Tex: You ladies stay here. I'll be back in two minutes with that things head on a platter!
Tucker: Does it ever bother you that the most take charge guy on our team is a girl?
Church: Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.
What?
Tucker: Haha, well Church you're kind of a long way from hero.
Wouldn't it have been better to say: "I don't care if I'm a participant?"
Or maybe: bystander?
Church: Shut up.
Caboose: Or a decoy.
Church: Hey Caboose don't help him okay?
Tucker: Hey she's going in.
You guys think she can take him?
*punch*
Tex: Oh crap.
Church: Nope.
Simmons: Come on Donut! Give someone else a turn.
Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys the bunny hop I'm working on.
Look!
No wait!
Now look!
Aww. Aw man.
I was totally doing it earlier. Why weren't you guys watching then?
Simmons: I need it to find the tank!
Donut: Weeee!
Woooo!
Woo hooo!
Sarge: Grif. I wanna share something with you.
And you can't let Simmons know.
Grif: Whatever.
Sarge: I think that Simmons has gone mad.
It's probably some kind of time travel post traumatic repetitive stress syndrome.
In scientific terms: he's developed cranial insanatosis.
Basically, he's gone bonkers.
Simmons: Saaarge! I'm not crazy! I really saw a tank.
Sarge: And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power.
Clear your mind Grif!
He can hear your thoughts!
Simmons: No...you guys just left your mics on again.
I keep telling you not to do that because you're just wasting the batteries.
Oh and guess who recharges-
Sarge: Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology.
Grif, I need you to step up to the plate.
You're my number two man now.
Grif: Does that mean more work?
Sarge: Of course.
You'll have to do Simmons regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.
Grif: So basically just Simmons duties then?
Sarge: Right. Luckily we still have Donut.
So no one has to fill in his shoes.
Donut! Combat situation!
Donut: Yes sir I'm on it.
AGGGHHHHHH!
*Screaming continues*
Sarge: What a pro.
Simmons! I mean Grif!
Establish a perimeter.
Grif: Huh? What's that?
Sarge: Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.
Grif: Eugh. That sounds like a lot of effort.
Can't I just go back to being number three again?
Sarge: Number three?
What do you mean number three?
Grif: Oh right. Donut.
Can I go back to being number four then?
Sarge: And Lopez.
Grif: Fine. I'll be number five I don't care.
Sarge: I don't know... that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.
Grif: But he's the enemy!
Sarge: I'm not real particular.
Now get to work on that perimeter!
Bogey approaching!
Simmons: Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.
Sarge: Hold on a minute.
Let's just take it easy there Private first class Dick Simmons.
Simmons: But I- hey what?!
Why did you use my full name?
Arge: Grif! What in sam hell are you doing?
Grif: I secured your perimeter sir.
Now I'm going to go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos.
I got a diet to keep up.
Break time.
Sarge: Honeymoon's over numbnuts!
You're back down to number seven!
Grif: Oh yeah?! Well I saw the tank too!
*Guitar Riff*
Tucker: Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.
Caboose: Uuuuh, what would I say?
Tucker: Start with some common ground.
Like how you both killed Chruch.
Caboose: Mmmm... good times.
Church: You know. I actually like that idea.
Tex: You do?
Church: Well think about it.
While our ambassador here is either being A: eaten by the alien.
Or B: digested by the alien.
You and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.
Caboose: I would make an excellent ambadassdor.
Because I am very SHY!
Tucker: Get away from me freak!
Church: You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.
Tex: There's my body...
Church: Oh yeah hey look, there's your body,
Hehehe... you really didn't make it very far did you?
Tex: You know I wonder? I- if I killed a ghost would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?
Church: Yeah that's a good point, I'll shut up now.
Caboose: Hey Andy.
Say? Have you seen a.. it's a big aaah slimy, like alien looking thing?
It's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you.
Oh.
Simmons: Hello everyone. Now that we have our own Youtube channel.
I've taken the liberty of reorganizing everything for a streamlined viewing experience.
Just hit subscribe to put it to use.
Grif: You're supposed to convince them to subscribe not put them to sleep!
You loser!
Simmons: *sigh* I hate him so much.