This programme contains strong language and adult humour
SHE PANTS
Look at the state of her. You look like a twat. Ta very much.
# Four-letter word just to get me along
# It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue
# And I keep stalling and keeping me together
# People around gotta find something to say now
# Holding back, every day the same
# Don't wanna be a loner
# Listen to me, oh, no... #
Just tell me which door, lovey, cos I'm late now for my restart
interview. It's any second. That door behind you.
Oh, my God, it's like The Crystal Maze round here.
That's fine. Great. Ooh.
Different vibe.
SHE SIGHS
Too hot.
It's my own fault for cycling in fur.
Fake fur.
I didn't kill a flamingo.
I was panicking about the time,
I had the fur on, I just got very flustered.
But...
What are you in for? Are you...looking for a job?
Yeah.
SHE EXHALES
Oh, yeah.
Ah, there's no cups.
Alma Nuthall.
Yes, just one second.
I've got to be honest, Carol -
I've got no qualifications or job experience,
but I've got pizzazz, I've got charisma,
and I think outside the box.
I'm also capable of being in the box at the same time. I can do both.
If you know what I mean. Not really, no.
Why don't you have any qualifications?
The truth is, for the first seven years of my life
I didn't even go to school.
I had my own key by the age of five.
Fed myself, clothed myself,
ran my own schedule.
Think Mowgli with a mullet.
Ta, Pete.
Think the baby from Trainspotting.
If she'd lived.
And when I did go to school, I was
eventually excluded for arriving drunk in a bikini.
I was just never much of an academic.
So what job experience have you got?
Well, I actually want to be an actress.
What job experience have you got?
My boyfriend had his own business and I used to help him out.
But he recently left me, Carol.
For a younger - not hotter, thank you -
but younger woman. Has that ever happened to you? No, it hasn't.
Do you know what, I can tell you, it's absolutely shit, Carol.
Do you know, he left me knowing full well that I wouldn't be able
to cover my rent this month. Right,
let's get back on track, eh? Yes.
Aw, your one looks nice.
Safe.
Meaty.
You see, you've got your own weird shit going on,
clearly, and you've found someone who digs it.
That's what I need.
Somebody who actually embraces my quirks.
I'm sorry that you've had a difficult time.
Our plan here is to get you back on track.
Yes! And that's what I want.
I just want to throw myself into a career.
Forget men. I'm a career woman now.
Here we go.
I have a job match for you. Fabulous.
Sandwich artist at Sub and Go.
Sandwich artist?
What am I doing, painting the sandwiches?
No, making the sandwiches, using a till, dealing with customers.
That's not what I want to do.
You don't have many options, love.
SHE SCOFFS
Well, actually, that's about to
change, Carol.
I've just had an audition and it
felt very promising, I'll have you know.
To stay on JSA, you need to be actively seeking work,
Miss Nuthall.
Shall I put in an expression of interest?
Yeah, go on.
# Hot topic is the way that we rhyme
# Hot topic is the way that... #
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
I love it, Adnan.
It's very me, isn't it?
I mean, I know you don't actually know me.
No, no...I can see it's the sort of
thing that really works with your...demeanour.
Feels fabulous. I mean, you can't be
miserable when you've got one of these, can you?
I'm a walking party.
How much is that? £250.
What the fuck? Just keep your voice down, please.
What the fuck, Adnan?
HE CHUCKLES
Shit!
Mate, is everything OK?
WHSIPERS: Don't talk to me, Adnan, I'm not here.
What? NOT here!
So do you still want the..?
Sh-sh-sh-sh!
Excuse me, mate. Have you got any decks?
Yeah, just to the right, by the window. Nice one.
Alma. Oh, shit!
This is the prick who left me.
I met him outside Wigan pier on me 18th birthday,
back in the day when it was all about going to raves in a bikini
and snogging boys with ASBOs on E.
He was a taxi driver moonlighting as a drug dealer,
which was great for me - free drugs and a lift home.
What the fuck are you doing?
Er... I was just looking at these.
Jack leads? Yeah.
For my, erm...
For my, erm... Amp.
Amp, yeah. I've got an amp now.
You're fucking weird, you, you know. Oh, piss off!
Anyway, you're the one who should be hiding.
So you were hiding. You owe me money. Fuck off.
You're just jealous cos I'm finally happy.
Oh, yeah. If happiness is shagging a teenager
and moving back in with your mum, then you're very welcome to it.
Don't worry, Alma, love. I'll shag you if you're desperate.
Fuck off, you fat fuck!
THEY CHUCKLE
How am I supposed to pay my rent this month?
It's not my problem any more.
Lovely.
HE CHUCKLES
Do you do store credit, Adnan?
MUSIC: 1234 by Ashley & Michael Clark
Quick, get in!
This is Grandma Joan,
a Silk Cut-smoking, vodka-drinking, animal print-loving whirlwind.
I went to live with Joan after a stint in foster care.
She'd just got divorced and chucked out the iron.
She went to uni that year and discovered feminism.
I say "feminism" - I mean that in a very '90s way.
She said the words "cock" and "patriarchy" a lot.
The first thing she said to me when I arrived was...
Don't waste your life ironing a man's clothes, Alma.
His creases'll drop out but your wrinkles won't.
I was eight. Fried Spam on the go.
Just seen Anthony.
Shouting at me in the middle of a shop, can you believe that?
Yes, I can, he's a fuck.
Oh, this Spam is fabulous.
Aldi's own.
Do you know, I wake up craving it.
It calls my name from the kitchen cupboard,
"Joan, Joan..." Oh, God, look at the state of me.
Starting to look like Nicolas Cage.
No.
Just a bit droopy here.
Sod off.
The rest of your skin's dead fresh.
Yeah, I know. I read an article about the benefits of steam rooms
on your skin, so every morning I've started
sticking me head in the kettle.
I don't think that's the same, Grandma.
I've lost years round me eyes, look!
Right.
I'm going to see Mum today.
Oh! You can always come with me.
Don't start.
She's really struggling, Grandma.
I think she really needs us. Yeah, and what about what I need?
Nobody cares about that, do they? All right, chill out.
No, she stole the best years of my life, your mother.
Has she ever apologised? Has she fuck!
I don't want to talk about it.
How's her ears? What?
Well, they get very cold, don't they?
They stick out too much, that's why.
Oh, yeah. I think they're fine, Grandma.
Good.
Well, let's leave it at that, then.
Can I pinch a fag? 80p.
I don't have 80p, I'm skint!
It's about time you got a proper job.
I've worked all my life,
always on me feet.
I've got bunions the size of me fist.
I don't want to go into your bunions right now.
Well, dreaming's not going to get you anywhere.
That's not going to put Spam on the table, is it?
MUSIC: Boom Boom by Bea Parks & Garo Nahoulakian & Oliver Horton
This is my best mate, Leanne.
She came to Bolton for a fling she met online,
but ended up staying because the locals can't get enough of her.
They find my accent exotic.
She has the mannerisms of a truck driver
and the rock and roll sex appeal of Debbie Harry.
It's quite something.
She's never without a shag.
Bill, I'm going for a fag.
Crack on with the mallet, mate, my arm's ragging.
You've already had your break.
Don't be a dick. Be back in a minute.
I'm YOUR boss, remember?
Fuck's sake.
All right.
ALMA GRUNTS
What is that?
Can I leave it here? It keeps falling off me bike.
You need to watch your spending, you.
You got a problem. No, I don't!
Why don't you leave it next to your trampoline?
It's not a trampoline,
it's a Fit Bounce Pro.
Very good for getting fit.
Athletes use them.
So listen, I need to, erm...
I do need to use it more, though, don't I?
Use it more? You used it once.
I should just use it when I pop round.
A sort of tone up and a chat session.
What's going on with you?
You're in one of your manic moods.
I'm not in a manic mood. No, I'm in a thoughtful mood.
I'm thinking, "Oh, I've got no job,
"no boyfriend, a flat I can't afford,
"a trampoline I don't bounce on
"and a boom box I don't need."
But I'm fine. I am absolutely...
PHONE BUZZES
Ooh. I'm absolutely fine.
I think it's my audition. Ooh.
Right, OK.
SHE SIGHS
Hello?
Yes, this is I.
Right, yes. Yeah, for the...
Yeah.
Great!
Thank you very much.
Goodbye!
Didn't get it.
Ach! That's proper shit, I'm sorry, babe.
I'm destined for a life of bunions, Leanne.
And I'm fucking skint as well.
Fuck's sake, Alma.
You need to get some money off Anthony to tide you over.
He owes you after running off like that. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, to be honest, you're right, actually.
I am. Yeah. I am!
He does, doesn't he, though? Yes! Yeah! He's a fucking prick.
He IS a prick! Yes!
Do you know what, fuck him.
FUCK HIM! Fuck him! Say it with me now.
NO MORE BULLSHIT! No more bullshit!
No-more-fucking-bull-shit!
Give me some fucking money and FUCK OFF!
Well, that didn't go according to plan, did it?
I think my knob's getting bigger.
Do you think it is?
I mean...
Have you trimmed your pubes?
Yeah, but...it's not that, it's
like it's just got more...
PHONE VIBRATES
You're going to have to go in a minute.
SHE SIGHS
I need some money, Anthony.
There.
500 quid for your rent. Now you need to go.
VIV: Alma, love, made you a brew down here.
Ta, Trish.
How does she know it was me?
Well, you're loud, aren't you?
WHISPERS: God.
TV: So tell me, Paul, what do the viewers at home need to know
about bread?
Well, Sue, every home is improved
by home-made bread.
You know, making bread in your own kitchen is much more satisfying...
Have you ever baked bread?
Have I fuck.
I once bought a loaf that wasn't sliced, though.
Wow. How was it?
Hard work. Mm.
You need to go. Rachel's going to come back any minute.
Let her finish her brew. She needs to go!
Don't you start with that temper of yours. Oh, for f...
I'm surprised she wants to be anywhere near you after... Don't.
TV: Whatever you do, do not under-bake a sourdough.
Who gives a fuck, Paul?
Oh! Here she is,
Rachel,
looking fabulous. Men never leave you for someone older, fatter,
more knackered-looking, do they?
She's no idea what hell she's in for.
It's Trish I miss the most.
Everything's always like clockwork with Trish.
She gets up at the same time, sits in the same chair,
eats the same discount biscuits,
and heckles at the same TV programmes.
Every day. It's reliable.
Comforting.
My mum's nothing like Trish.
SHE YAWNS
She's a drug addict so she's never been too good at the mum stuff.
She tried once, decided to cook me breakfast.
It was a disaster.
How do you know when it's cooked? It looks the fucking same!
To be fair, it does.
Hiya, Mum, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm on my way.
Great, you're here.
I've got something for you.
Oh, you've joined the art class. Good!
Oh!
It's about society.
Here she is, my mum, the Iggy Pop of the psych ward.
She was a punk in her youth.
But it's hard to maintain when you're over 40
and shop exclusively on Bury Market.
She loves ornament pixies too.
If she'd discovered those before heroin,
we could have had a very different life.
Right. Yes.
That's definitely...
Definitely bigger than the last one, isn't it?
A Nought. Yeah.
HE SPLUTTERS
Bloody hell, Jim!
Be quiet making a racket!
We shouldn't get these again, they're not happening.
I can't chew 'em.
This is Mum's boyfriend, Jim.
He's a schizophrenic with a heart of gold.
They met on a ward 20 years ago.
He's never taken drugs in his life
but they got on like a house on fire because they've both got no teeth.
It was like watching two elastic bands have a conversation.
They've had them done on NHS now.
Jim's still struggling with his.
There you go, it's all there.
We'll just have to check that before you leave with it.
For fuck's sake!
I'm not armed and dangerous with a bag of jelly babies, am I?
Mum, it's all right. It's like a
fucking guinea pig farm in here. I shouldn't be here.
My mum has drug-induced psychosis, which means
sometimes she likes to set things on fire.
This time it was Jim's place.
Bloody hell, Lin, what have you done?
How am I going to make beans on toast?
Apparently, it's pretty common for women with psychosis.
Men attack women, women attack buildings.
I suppose you could read it as Mum's
way of setting the patriarchy alight.
Or maybe she just fucking loves fire.
I shouldn't be here. I should be somewhere else like Rhyl,
in a caravan park, having a nice time,
not here with a load of fucking nutters.
SHE COUGHS
Oh, bloody hell, Mum, you'd think you'd been down t'mines!
Shall we go for a fag?
I can't stand it here.
They're all bloody nutters.
I know, Mum.
And nobody visits.
I'm here, aren't I?
Oh, yeah, well, thanks for your guest appearance.
I'll see you again in 2050.
Jim's here every day!
Mum, I was here last week.
Grandma bloody wasn't, was she?
It's been years!
So maybe next time we can use some of your leave
to go somewhere a bit nicer.
Council won't sort us out with another flat, you know.
Jim's been sleeping on t'floor at Scabby Joe's.
It's not comfy.
Mm.
So can I come and live with you when they release me? No!
I mean...
My flat's only small and I'm skint myself.
I'm not being funny, Mum, but you're an arsonist.
It were an accident!
You killed the cat!
Peace be with you.
Is he new?
Yeah.
Thinks he's Jesus.
Another one?
Yeah.
I told him, "You're no son of mine."
MUSIC: Love Really Hurts Without You by Billy Ocean
What the hell is that?
Mum's latest artwork.
Slash psychosis.
Oh, thank fuck for that.
You know Ann with the lazy eye?
Oh, yeah, Winky Ann. She's doing all right, you know.
She just bought a flat in Bury with a garage. Bought it?
Yeah. With a garage? Yeah!
Bought it? Yeah, with a garage.
You know why, don't you?
She just started escorting in Manchester.
No way!
Surprised she gets the work with that eye.
She's had it fixed.
I heard she earns £250 an hour.
God! Bloody hell!
I'm on £7.50.
And you've got to wear that hat. I know.
God, if you were an escort,
go in, one hour, slap a man on the balls,
pretend to be his mother, 250 quid, you'd be done.
Oh! I couldn't do it, though.
No, me neither.
Not with my depressed left breast.
Everyone's got one low-energy breast. Mine's got a hair on it.
Me too! Black.
Wiry.
So listen...
I need to talk to you.
So, Ann came in the caff yesterday,
she starts chatting to me,
and she tells me that apparently...
Rachel's pregnant.
And they're keeping it.
What the fuck?
I know.
I just don't understand, because I...
Listen! This is the best thing that could have happened to you.
Now you can finally move on.
ALMA SCOFFS
To where? To what?
Ooft, no.
Shall we get shit-faced?
Karaoke night!
No, I should probably go home.
Got an early...
SHE HOLLERS WANNABE
# If you want my future forget my past
# If you want to get with me
# Better make it fast... #
All right, ladies and gents, it's Leanne.
Whoo! She's phenomenal!
SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY
# Time to say goodbye
# Paesi che non ho mai
# No, no, non esistono piu
# It's time to say goodbye... #
It's really over.
He's having a baby!
They're having a family!
They're a family now!
And I'm on me own!
I'm completely alone, Glen!
It's Geoff.
That doesn't suit you at all, Glen.
# Mio sole, tu sei qui con me, con me... #
You absolutely smashed that song, babe.
I know.
I think it's my raw sexual energy.
So did you.
Grace of a swan, as always.
Hi, babes!
Hello, ladies.
Oh, Glen, I'm not going to shag you.
Fair enough.
Eh! Look!
There's Winky Ann!
Bloody hell, you're right!
God, her eye looks great!
Yeah, good investment, that.
Mm.
Oh, I need my own money, me.
No, I'm going to sort everything out now I'm on me own.
And I'm going to get some acting work and I'm going to
sort my family out, and then I'm going to get a real job.
You know, I'm going to learn Spanish...
I think I'm going to start tap-dancing.
Maybe just start with a job first, eh?
Yeah.
Doing what?
Well, what skills do you have?
I can hold a three-litre bottle of cider under my left tit
with no hands.
THEY LAUGH
I don't think that's a transferable skill, babe.
You'd be surprised.
You look like shit!
Are you all right? Not really, no.
Anthony's having a baby with his foetus of a girlfriend.
I can't afford my rent.
Mum's a mess.
I'm hanging out my arse.
You tried feng "suey"?
What? You move all your furniture
around and it gets rid of the negative vibes.
I did it with that cake tin. See, it used to be over there.
It was very oppressive.
I don't think moving a fucking cake tin's going to cut it, Grandma.
It does look good, though.
Listen, I've booked a trip for Mum today.
I'm going to use some of her leave to take her to Queen's Park.
And I'd really love it if you came with me.
No. No. How dare you ask?
Look, please!
I think we need to be better at trying to be some sort of a family.
I know that's what I need.
I really want you to come with me today.
I bought pasties.
Have you?
Yeah.
Ye Olde's as well.
But you can't have any unless you come with me today.
That is very manipulative of you.
Hm. Yeah.
I know.
# I'm sticking with you
# Cos I'm made out of glue
# Anything that you might do
# I'm gonna do too... #
Bloody hell!
You finally made it after five years.
What happened, did you get lost?
I bought you these.
What the bloody hell are them?
Are you trying to make me look like a goblin, or what?
SHE CHUCKLES
I think you do that quite successfully yourself.
Here.
THEY CHUCKLE
# I'm gonna do too
# Some people go into the stratosphere
# Soldiers fighting with the Cong
# But with you by my side I can do anything... #
Right, who's hungry?
# When we swing, we hang past right and wrong... #
Is there owt soft in there?
I can't do crusts.
There you go.
# I'll do anything for you
# Anything you want me to
# I'll do anything for you
# Oh, oh
# I'm sticking with you
# Oh, oh
# I'm sticking with you
# Oh, oh
# I'm sticking with you
# Oh, oh
# I'm sticking with you
# Oh, oh. #
SHE SIGHS
Feng fucking "suey"!
SHE SIGHS
PHONE RINGS
Hello there, erm, I'm interested in working for your company...
INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE
I'm a hard worker, I'm great with people and...
Yeah. Yeah.
I know someone who does it.
I'm aware it's sex.
# Been there, done that, messed around
# I'm having fun, don't put me down
# I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
# I won't let you in again The messages I tried to send
# My information's just not going in... #