NETFLIX 剧集
你好 这是人力资源 请问找哪位？ Hello. Human Resources. How may I direct your call?
我完全能理解 我儿子也刚离家去上大学了 Oh, I totally get it. My son just left for college too.
我帮您转接到认同危机中心 请稍等 Oh, let me connect you to the Identity Crisis Center. Please hold.
格蕾丝 我去休息了 Grace, I'm going on my break.
我真不明白 菲尔就不能自己做饭吗？ I don't get it. Why doesn't Phil just feed himself?
-哦 你们好 -爽爆了 -Oh, hi! -Right there!
又在厨房里嘿咻 棒极了 Sex in the kitchen again. Yay, fun.
这节目叫《菲尔来蹭饭》啊 宝贝 The fuckin' show is called Somebody Feed Phil, baby.Oh, shit!
-卧槽！ -哎呀 不好意思 -Oh, whoops. -Sorry. Sorry.
好笑的是 Every bite with this guy,
这家伙的吃相 跟刚落地的婴孩没两样 it's like he's been on Earth for two whole fucking minutes.
看起来就像个正在做大肠镜的幼儿 He looks like a toddler getting a colonoscopy.
射脸还是射奶子？赶紧的 Face or tits, honey? Quick! Face or tits?
都不要 我的毛会结块的 Neither. It'll cake in my fur.
又或者你可以不在厨房里射 Or you could not ejaculate in the kitchen at all.
-咱俩都在地板上高潮好了 -我要射啦！ -Let's just both blam on the floor. -Here I come!
不用理我 我就拿个中国鸡肉沙拉 Okay, I'm just gonna grab my Chinese chicken salad.
好吧 我看那该死的节目就是了 All right, fine, I'll watch the bloody show.
算了 一看就知道你不会喜欢 Ah, don't bother. I can already tell you won't like it.
你知道吗？菲尔罗森塔尔制作了《人人都爱雷蒙… You know, Phil Rosenthal created Everybody Loves Raymo--
我的妈呀！ Oh, God!
我踩到精液滑倒了！ I slipped in the cum!
我好像断了六条… I think I broke six of my--
七条腿！ Seven of my legs!
我的沙拉也毁了！ And my salad is ruined!
这下何塞要怎么接那些该死的电话啊？ How is Jose supposed to answer the goddamn phones now?
我还是可以的 Oh, I can still manage.
别特么逞英雄了 都转到语音信箱吧 Don't be a fuckin' hero, Jose, let it go to voicemail.
哇 这是怎么回事？ Whoa, whoa. What's going on here?
莫娜和加文又在厨房里交媾了 Mona and Gavin were fornicating in the kitchen again
还留下了一滩精液 and left a puddle of ejaculate.
喂 是一大堆精液 好吗？ Excuse me, it was a pile of ejaculate.
看起来就像个由蛋黄酱做成的蚁丘 It looked like an anthill made of mayonnaise.
何塞差点就死在那个蚁丘上了 Well, Jose almost died on that anthill.
他死不了的 他是个超级蜘蛛 He can't die. He's a super spider.
他出演过索尼电影、漫威电影… He's in Sony, he's in Marvel…
你说的是蜘蛛侠吧？我只是个普通蜘蛛啦 I think you're thinking of Spider-Man? I'm just a spider, man.
-嗨 我是何塞 -嗨 -Jose. Hi. -Hi.
闭嘴 何塞 别对这些动物这么友善 Oh, shut the fuck up, Jose. Don't be nice to these animals.
“动物”？我们才不是动物 "Animals"? We're not animals.
我们是怪物 欲求不满 没有底线 淫荡不堪的多毛怪！ We are monsters. Insatiable, hairy jizz monsters with no boundaries!
真恨不得马上割下我的鸡巴 Ooh! I wish I could cut off my own cock
让你绑在身上 用它来操我 so you could strap it on and fuck me with it right now!
莫娜 加文 你们悠着点 行不？ Hey, Mona, Gavino, maybe take it down a notch?
我想我们的同事只是希望你们能道歉 I think our coworkers are just looking for a little apology.
好啦 我道歉就是了 Okay, fine!
真的很抱歉 I'm so sorry
莫娜和我在办公室厨房的地板上 留下了一大堆精液 Mona and me left a lot of cum on the floor in the office kitchen.
-还有一丁点尿液 -射了那么多 真的很抱歉 -And a teensy bit of urine. -I'm very sorry about my cum.
好了吧？大家都满意了吧？ Okay? Everybody happy?
巴尔的摩大主教管区道的歉 都比这个强 The Archdiocese of Baltimore apologizes better than that.
而且应该道歉的 不只是莫娜和加文 谢谢 And it's not just Mona and Gavin who should be apologizing, thank you.
是你们所有人 托德 播放录像 It's all of you. Todd, roll the fuckin' tape.
你们在我们的邮件推车上操 You fuck on our mail carts.
哈喽 是你们最爱的格蕾丝阿姨 Hey, it's your favorite aunt, Grace.
嘟嘟 热腾腾的鸡巴来啦！ Toot, toot! Hot bones coming through!
你们在我们的通风口 和办公桌上搞69式 You fellate each other in our vents and on our desks!
吉尔 你换了款丁丁洗毛露吗？ Hey, Gil, you using a different dick shampoo?
甚至连他妈的零食贩卖机都不放过！ Even the fucking snack machine!
我最爱的零食 是机场卖的Beats耳机！ My favorite snack is Beats by Dre headphones at the airport!
跟你们一起共事简直毁了我们的生活 Working with you is ruining our fucking lives.
等一下 最后那个是我家吗？ Uh, one second. Was that last one my house?
是的 何塞 我们有时会上你家操 操完看Starz电视台 Yes, Jose. We sometimes fuck at your place and watch Starz.
不是Star 是Starz哦！ Starz with a "Z," baby!
真是受够了 我要打给高层 Ugh! That's it. I am calling Corporate.
-什么？ -高层？ -What? Oh, man! -Corporate?
那些装逼的傻屌懂个鸟？ Those prissy twats wouldn't know a hard dick
他们连“屌”字都不知怎么写 if you chased them down the stairwell with it.
噢哦 你们有麻烦了！ Ooh, you guys are in trouble!
-你也是！你此刻就在打飞机！ -我没有 -You too! You're jerking off right now. -No, I'm not!
-你明明就有 -我没有 -Oh, yes you are. -No, I'm not.
-明明就有 -才没有！ -Yes, you are. -No, I'm not!
我才没有 No, I'm not.
嘿 沃尔特 我正在做问卷调查 Hey, Walter! Okay, I'm taking a survey.
你会选择放火屁还是尿冰块啊？ Would you rather fart fire or pee ice?
当然是尿冰块了 废话 I'll pee ice. Duh!
等等 你怎么在这里 而不是和贝卡在一起？ Wait, why are you here and not with Becca?
她现在不需要我打扰她 Oh, she doesn't need me bothering her right now.
她才刚生完孩子 She just had a baby.
所以你在躲着她 So, you're avoiding her.
才不是 我是在给她空间 Pssh! No, I'm giving her space.
爱是很多东西 小虫子 Love is about many things, bug,
但空间不是其中之一 but "space" is not one of them.
爱是令人窒息的 就像个擅自帮病人解脱的侠盗护士 Love is smothering like a rogue nurse who's taken mercy into her own hands.
哇 看来对于爱我还有很多需要学的 Wow. I guess I have a lot to learn about love?
又说废话了 Yeah, no shit.
啊 我有个超棒的主意 I have an incredible idea.
你应该跟最懂爱的爱虫 You should learn about love
学习什么是爱 from the bug who knows the most about love,
而那只爱虫现在 and that bug happens to be
正好抓住你的衣领 grabbing you by the collar right now.
-你要杀了我吗？ -更好的 亲爱的 我要传授你知识！ -Are you gonna kill me? -Ooh! Better, honey. I'm gonna teach you!
你就当我的实习爱虫吧 婊子 It's a Lovebug ride-along, bitch.
-出发咯！ -哇 -Let's go! Whoo! -Whoa!
我的蜘蛛屌！ My spider dick!
萝谢尔 能告诉我这是什么吗？ Rochelle, do you want to tell me what this is?
我们的客户道格想办理的 菲尼克斯太阳信用卡的申请表？ An application for the Phoenix Suns credit card our client Doug wants to get?
-是 客观上来说是 -那主观上来说呢？ -Well, yes, that's objectively what it is. -And subjectively?
一个错误的决定 这信用卡是个笑话 A bad decision. This is a joke credit card
笑点是“终生负债累累” and the punchline is a lifetime of crushing debt.
呃 你个逻辑石像 Ugh, you are such a Logic Rock!
康涅狄格州开市客信用社 The Connecticut Costco Credit Union
有张非常合理的卡 而且不是紫色的 has a perfectly reasonable card and it's not purple.
但道格超爱菲尼克斯太阳 他是他们的头号哈特福德球迷 But Doug loves the Phoenix Suns. He's their number one Hartford fan.
如果他在前三个月消费超过三万美元 And if he spends over 30,000 in the first three months,
还能获得一件全皮的太阳队夹克呢 紫到爆 he earns a full leather varsity Suns jacket. It's so purple.
不行 道格得为唐娜的订婚戒指存钱 No! Doug needs to be saving money for Donna's engagement ring.
那可以是他用新的太阳信用卡 买的第一件东西 That can be the first thing he buys with his new Suns credit card.
听着 我知道你在短时间内 Look, I know you've achieved
取得了很大的成绩 a lot of success in a short amount of time.
-而且公认长得漂亮 -我天生丽质 -And you're classically good-looking… -Mmhmm. I was born this way.
-而且大家都喜欢你 -好了啦 -…and people like you. -Boy, stop.
但那并不代表你是对的 But you're mistaking that for being right,
你不是 你错了 你大错特错 which you're not, you're very, very wrong.
这张卡不仅不可靠 还蠢透了 而且还是紫色的 This card isn't just irresponsible, it's dumb and purple.
知道吗？你说得对极了 Hm. You know what? You're totally right.
开市客的信用卡才是明智的选择 The Costco card makes much more sense.
我怎么就没看出来呢？我好蠢啊 How did I not see that before? So stupid. Ah!
别太苛责自己 表格上的字确实小了点 Well, don't be too hard on yourself. The print is very tiny.
你看 这就是为什么我俩合作无间 See? That's why we work so well together.
我来出主意 你来告诉我其愚蠢之处 I have an idea, and you tell me why it's dumb.
让我向道格澄清 谢谢你 I'll go clear this up with Doug. Thank you.
不客气 实际上 谢谢你 Oh, well, de nada. In fact, thank you.
不 谢谢你 Oh, no, thank you.
好吧 那我就说“不客气” 给这段对话划上圆满的句号吧 Okay, I'm just gonna close the loop and just say, "You're welcome."
简直扯淡 我们才不需要什么敏感性培训 This is horseshit. We don't need sensitivity training.
就是说啊 我可敏感了 Yeah. I'm very sensitive.
我连看个霍尔马克卡片的广告 都会射到整张咖啡桌都是 I can't even watch a Hallmark commercial without frosting my coffee table.
我说等这个高层的笨蛋一进来 I say, the minute this bozo from Corporate comes in,
咱们就把我的鸡巴切下来扔他头上 we cut off my dick and throw it at his head.
-好耶！ -没错 -Yeah! -That's right.
你好像真的很想让人切鸡鸡啊？ You really want someone to cut off your dick, huh, chief?
也许吧 你又能拿我怎样 Yeah, maybe. What are you gonna do about it?
切我鸡鸡吗？喏 这里有把面包刀 Cut off my dick? Here. Here's a bread knife.
好了 怪物朋友们 Okay, monster friends.
让我们把刀子收起来 把生殖器留在身上 好吗？ Let's put away the knives and keep our genitals on our bodies, yeah?
可以吧？ Sound good?
你一定是高层来的扫兴鬼了 Oh, you must be the killjoy from Corporate.
我从这里就能听到你绷着的屁眼 在走廊上发出的声音 I could hear your tight butthole squeaking down the hallway.
对 我是高层来的 也确实有个紧绷的屁眼 但我也有名字 Yes, I'm from Corporate and I do have a tight butthole, but I also have a name.
我叫共情穆赫兰 大伙们 我明白的 It's Empathy Mulholland. And, folks, I get it.
你们不欢迎我 You don't want me here.
没错 我们想杀了你 然后在你尸体上拉粑粑 Yeah, we wanna kill you and make doody on your corpse!
泰勒！不过没错 一如往常 这白痴道出了大家的心声 Tyler! But yes, as always, the fucking idiot speaks for all of us.
可是怪物们 我们有个问题 你们的同事非常不高兴 But, hey, monsters, we have a problem. Your coworkers are upset.
叫我们的同事 舔加文被割下来的鸡巴吧 Our coworkers can suck Gavin's severed dick.
-对！ -我懂 你们是荷尔蒙怪 -Yeah! -I hear you. You're Hormone Monsters.
你们想随时随地开操 You want to fornicate wherever and whenever you want.
-没错！ -她懂！ -Yeah! -She gets it!
我看得出来你们对性交充满热情 I can tell you're very passionate about intercourse,
而那是如此美妙 and that's beautiful,
但从现在开始 你们不能再在办公室里进行性交了 but you just can't do it in the office ever again starting right now.
什么？ What?
我好生气 我要在工作场所嘿咻！ I'm so mad, I wanna fuck in my place of business!
我们走吧 Let's get out of here.
我们可以上何塞家“进行性交” 然后看Starz电视台 We can go "intercourse" at Jose's house and watch Starz.
不是Star哦！ With a "Z"!
哇 听上去是个很棒的下午呢 Ooh! That sounds like a really nice afternoon.
但不幸的是 如果我不签字确认你们已完成培训 But, unfortunately, if I don't sign-off on your training,
你们全都会被解雇 噢哦 you're all gonna get fired. Yucky.
开什么玩笑？ What the fuck?
我可不能回去夹脚拖工厂车间工作 I can't go back to work on the flip-flop factory floor.
说起来太拗口了！ It's too hard to say!
我可不能搬回去和我爸妈住 他们不让我开趴！ And I can't move back in with my parents! They don't let me party, man!
-莫娜？ -行 我留下来 -Mona? -Fine. I'll stay.
但我会对你非常不客气 But I'm going to be incredibly unpleasant.
就像我爸妈撞见我和我的酷朋友们 一起抽大麻时一样 Just like my parents when they found me smoking that icky-sticky with all my cool friends.
早上好啊 长岛！ Good morning, Long Island!
空气中弥漫着爱的气息 Love is in the air.
你闻到了吗 艾米？你闻到爱的气息了吗？ Can you smell it, Emmy? Can you smell the love?
那倒要看了 爱闻起来像垃圾吗？ That depends. Does love smell like garbage?
不 亲爱的 那只是长岛的味道 No, that's just Long Island, honey.
我的第一个客户 他的爱是如此之满 Now, my first client, his love is so big,
它可以填满整个隆康科马湖 it could fill all of Lake Ronkonkoma.
从湖滨路一路填到小文森特比萨店 All the way from Lakeshore Road to Little Vincent's Pizzeria.
如果你不了解长岛 那可是很远的距离哦 And if you don't know Long Island, that's really far away.
你就一直都这样 处于百分之百的状态吗？ So, you're just at 100% all the time, huh?
爱的第一课 Love lesson number one:
如果你不百分之百全身心投入 那还有什么意义啊？ if you're not giving it 100 then what's the fucking point?
现在跟我一起走 握住我的手 握紧它 捏碎它！ Now, walk with me. Hold my hand. Squeeze it, crush it!
-我不要！ -用力点 我要听到骨头咔嚓响 -I don't wanna! -Harder, I wanna hear the bones.
-早上好 布伦特 -亲亲 -Good morning, Brent. Mwah! -Mwah! Mwah!
早上好 沃尔特 你来得正好 Good morning, Walter. You're just in time.
有人因为还没吃早饭 所以在闹脾气呢 Somebody's grumpy-pants because they haven't had their bweakfast.
虾子快煮好了！ The shrimp's almost ready!
好呀 老公挺可爱的 而且还一大早起来煮虾子 我喜欢 Oh, okay. The husband is cute and he's cooking prawns at dawn, Emmy likey.
杰拉德还行啦 Gerald's fine.
我们之所以没甩掉他 仅是因为我们不可能分享这家伙的抚养权 We only stay with him because we could never share custody of
欢迎尾巴先生！ Mr. Tails!
哦耶 小骚货 来吧！ Ooh, yes, hunty, yass!
组别是前凸后翘的高冷型妹子！ Cat -egory is thick girls with attitude!
-秀个猫步！ -你在这里是因为布伦特爱只猫？ -Strut, strut! -You're here because Brent loves a cat?
-当然了！ -真好 -Of course! -Yass!
尾巴先生是这座恶心的城市里 有史以来诞生过最非凡的生物 Mr. Tails is the most magnificent creature that's ever graced this disgusting city.
-谁是我们最爱的小猫咪呀？ -哇哦 -Who's our favorite baby kitty cat? -Ooh!
谁让我留住这段死寂的婚姻？是你呀！ Who's keeping me in this dead marriage? You are!
我是错过了什么吗？那不就是一只蠢猫吗？ Uh, am I missing something? I mean, that's just a stupid cat, right?
爱的第二课！ Love lesson number two!
这世上有很多种类型的爱 The world is made up of many types of love
它们都是完美的 而且都同等重要 and they're all perfect and they're all equally important.
天哪 沃尔特 那是可卡因吗？ Jesus, Walter, is that cocaine?
是猫薄荷 亲爱的 喵卡因 喵力量 It's catnip, baby. Kitty coke. The meow pow.
你抓伤我了 你个疯子！ You scratched me, you fucking psycho!
爱的第三至第一百万课 Love lessons number three through a million:
爱就是个他妈的疯子 Love is a fucking psycho.
当我陷入爱河时 我放弃一切掌控 ♪ When me and love get together, I give up all control ♪
把朋友抛在脑后 把家人搁置一旁 ♪ I ghost my friends and put the family on hold ♪
放任一切不管 忘了房租和账单 ♪ I let everything slide, forget the bills and the rent ♪
爱不满足于一半 它要你付出百分之百 ♪ Love ain't happy with half It wants 100% ♪
爱是绝对的痴迷 是一场破釜沉舟的游戏 ♪ It's a total obsession, an all-in game ♪
我宁可杀了它也不愿失去它 而爱也是如此 ♪ I'd rather kill it than to lose it and love feels the same ♪
因为爱是个疯子 而我为爱疯狂 ♪ 'Cause love is a psycho and I'm a psycho for love ♪
爱是个疯子 而我为爱疯狂 ♪ Love is a psycho and I'm a psycho for love ♪
我和爱 我们都喜欢爱得毫无保留 ♪ Me and love we like our loving at the maximum dose ♪
就像那部电影《致命的吸引力》 但我俩都是格伦克洛斯 ♪ It's like that movie♪ Fatal Attraction but we're both Glenn Close ♪
它占据着每一刻 萦绕着每一个梦 ♪ It consumes my every hour and haunts every dream ♪
它出现在我上班的地方 搞得我好难堪 ♪ It shows up at my job, makes an embarrassing scene ♪
没错 我们又摔又打 又抓又咬 ♪ Yeah, we tumble and we tussle, we scratch and we bite ♪
但完全不可怕的爱 算哪门子的爱？ ♪ But if it ain't a little scary you ain't doin' it right ♪
因为爱是个疯子 ♪ 'Cause love is a psycho ♪
而我为爱疯狂 ♪ And I'm a psycho for love ♪
爱是个疯子 而我为爱疯狂 ♪ Love is a psycho and I'm a psycho for love ♪
我知道爱永远不会离开 ♪ And I know that love will never leave ♪
因为我划破了它的轮胎 还偷了它的车钥匙 ♪ 'Cause I slashed its tires and I stole its keys ♪
没错 爱是个疯子 而我为爱疯狂 ♪ Yeah, love is a psycho and I'm a psycho for love ♪
好吧 你确定刚才的猫薄荷 真的不是可卡因吗？ Okay, are you sure that catnip wasn't actually cocaine?
我不确定！ No, I'm not!
该死的！ Damn it!
萝谢尔？ Um, Rochelle?
皮皮皮特先生 Mr. Pete-Pete-Pete.
刚才解释你的主意有多蠢的时候 Hey. I feel like I was a little rough earlier
我好像说得有点过分了 when I was explaining how dumb your idea was.
听我说 我明白 你是个逻辑石像 Look. I get it. You're a Logic Rock.
你只是在做你认为是正确的事 You're just doing what you think is right.
没错 Oh. Exactly.
而我只是在做我认为道格会喜欢的事 And I was just doing what I think Doug would love.
是呢 等等 你做了什么？ Totally. Uh, wait. What did you do?
你到时候就知道了 You'll see.
你干了什么啊？那辆车是租来的！ What did you do? That car is a lease!
帅爆了吧？现在整辆车看起来就像那件夹克 Isn't it boss? Now my whole car looks like the jacket.
你喜欢吗 道格？ Oh! Do you love it, Doug?
尽管查尔斯巴克利的身高只有1.93米 Uh, was Charles Barkley the most dominant power forward
他是不是NBA历史上 最具统治力的大前锋？ in NBA history despite being only six foot four?
他当然是了 He sure was.
你们爱虫总是胡乱做决定 You Lovebugs make the most ridiculous decisions.
-根本就没法跟你们合作 -得了吧 你明明就很爱 你个蠢石像 -It's impossible to collaborate with you. -Come on. You love it, you dumbass rock.
我是爱死啦 I certainly love it.
估计你是用那张紫色的 菲尼克斯太阳信用卡付的钱吧？ And I assume you put this all on your Phoenix Suns purple credit card?
没错 你终于跟上了 皮特 That's right. Finally catching up to us, Pete.
你看 上面有颗篮球呢 而且篮球还着火了呢 Look! It's got a basketball on it and the basketball is on fire.
我的天 那是颗太阳 道格！ My God. It's a sun, Doug!
为他人着想 Consideration. Yeah?
让我们通过我最爱的活动 来探讨这句话 Let's explore that word through my favorite activity,
那就是企业角色扮演 corporate role play.
那就让我老二扮演意大利香肠的角色 How about my dick plays the role of a salami
然后你得把它切下来 做成个冷切肉拼盘 and you have to slice it off to make a nice charcuterie?
康妮 请你到前面来 好吗？ Connie, why don't you join me up front?
好啊 我最喜欢演戏了 Okay, I love acting.
康妮 告诉我 你讨厌什么东西？ Now, Connie, what is something you hate?
哦 天哪 好多东西 Oh, gosh, so many things.
Apple TV遥控器 纳粹德国的阿道夫希特勒 The Apple TV remote, Adolf Hitler from Nazi Germany.
哦 还有剪脚趾甲的声音 Oh! And the sound of toenails getting clipped.
好 非常好 Okay. Great.
现在假装你正坐在办公桌前 然后我过来找你闲聊天 Now let's pretend that you're at your desk and I've come by to be a Chatty Kathy.
好吧 All right…
你可以开始了 You may begin.
你好啊 康妮 Oh, hey, Connie.
抱歉我上班迟到了 妈妈又生病了 Sorry I was late for work. Mama's sick again.
不知我何时才能拥有自己的生活呢？ I wonder when I'll ever have my own life,
摆脱妈妈 摆脱她的哭嚎 free of Mama, from all that wailing.
我的老天 你能不能别剪啊？ Oh, my God, do you mind?
结束 康妮 那让你感觉如何？ And scene. Now, Connie, how did that make you feel?
糟透了 就像开趴时突然想拉屎一样 Bad! Like I gotta poop at a house party.
那你觉得我在刚才的互动中 有为他人着想吗？ So, would you say that I was considerate in that interaction?
没有 你明知道我不喜欢那样 No! And you knew I didn't like that.
没错 但我还是那样做了 Exactly. But I did it anyway.
就跟我们在同事面前开操没两样 That's what we've been doing fucking in front of our co-workers.
-我们都是坏坏的小鸟 -简直是放狗屁！ -We've been bad little birdies. -This is all such bullshit!
加文 你的抗拒都来自哪里？ Gavin, where's this resistance coming from?
不知道 我老二？ I don't know. My dick?
但你总可以把它切掉啊 But you can always lop it off!
-加文 -干嘛？ -Gavin? -Yes?
-请把你的鸡鸡掏出来 -哦？为什么？ -Please pull out your pecker. -Yeah? Why?
你说我可以把它切掉 我现在就想把它切掉 You said I could lop it off and I would like to lop it off, please.
从鸡鸡和蛋蛋的交界处开始切 Right from where the shaft meets the balls.
天哪 求你别拿走我老二 Oh God! Please don't take my dick.
我为什么不应该拿走你老二？ Why, Gavin? Why shouldn't I take your dick?
因为我要我老二！我只是… 我觉得我不配拥有它！ Because I want it! I just… I-- I don't-- I don't think I deserve it!
你为什么不配拥有它？ And why don't you deserve it?
因为它是个超棒的鸡巴 Because it's such a good penis.
而我却是个超烂的怪物 And I'm such a bad monster.
哇 这是个突破 Wow, that is a breakthrough.
今晚那杯老鼠血是老娘应得的 Mmm. Mama earned her glass of rat's blood tonight.
现在换我了 Ooh, ooh! Now do me.
我也想知道 我为什么囤着那么多件冬衣 Yeah, I wanna know why I hold onto so many winter coats.
我想知道我为什么害怕洋娃娃 I wanna know why I'm afraid of dolls.
我想知道 我为什么跟一群可悲的娘们共事 I want to know why I work with such a bunch of pathetic pussies.
好啊 她肯定能给你答案的 Okay, I bet she could tell ya.
你一定会喜欢雅拉的 You're gonna love Yara.
我所有的客户都是我的最爱 但雅拉真的是我的第一 All my clients are my favorite, but Yara truly is my number one.
我是她的生死之交 I'm her ride or die.
哎呀 你应该提前告诉我 你的客户是个老人家 Oh, man. You should have warned me your client was an old person.
我知道我们不应该说出来 但老人身上都有股炖菜的味道 I know we're not supposed to say it, but the elderly have a stew smell.
如果我们不应该说出来 那就别说 亲爱的 Well, if we're not supposed to say it, then, honey, don't say it.
咚咚咚 猜猜是谁？ Knock-knock. Guess who?
-萨菲！ -没错 宝贝 是时候见萨菲啦 -Safi! -That's right, baby. It's Safi time.
等等 沃尔特 这是怎么回事？萨菲是谁？ Wait, Walter, what's happening? Who's Safi?
准备好大开眼界吧 Ooh, get ready for some shit, bug!
你是萨菲吗？天哪 我是萨菲吗？ Are you Safi? Oh, God. Am I Safi?
贝鲁特 1972年 Ah! Beirut, 1972.
什么？我们怎么会在这里？ Wait, what? How did we get here?
是雅拉的老年痴呆 Well, it's Yara's dementia.
不是吧 雅拉患有老年痴呆？ Oh, no, Yara has dementia?
不是 雅拉患有阿尔茨海默氏病 因而导致老年痴呆 Uh-uh. Yara gets dementia because Yara has Alzheimer's.
那是一种人类随着年龄增长而患上的疾病 It's one of those diseases some humans get as they get older.
它会造成这种神奇的时间扭曲 It causes these fabulous time distortions.
雅拉 亲爱的 Yara, my darling,
我们和命运有个约会 we have a date with destiny.
你穿西装的样子真帅气 沃尔特
你知道的 我总是精心打扮来见… You know, I always dress up for…
萨菲！ Safi!
来点一杯黎巴嫩鸡尾酒吧 Ooh-ooh! I'm gonna order a Lebanese cocktail.
-嘘 -干嘛？ -Shh! -What?
在某人精神衰退的世界里 现在是下班时间嘛 It's five o'clock in someone's mental decline.
嘘！命运上场了 Hush! Destiny enters stage right.
萨菲！ Safi!
哦 萨菲是那个服务员 Oh, Safi is the waiter.
她每天大学下课后都会来这里见他 She came here every day after university to see him.
他会自动端上她最爱的玫瑰水茶 He serves her favorite rosewater tea without asking
还会免费送她一块杏仁饼干 and an almond cookie he never charges her for.
其实他在暗地里偷了很多东西 Actually, he stole a lot of stuff under the table,
只可惜造化弄人 因为她的家人 but alas, because of her family,
他俩永远无法光明正大在一起 they could never be seen together.
原来是禁忌之爱呀 Okay, forbidden love.
这就对我胃口了 我超爱丹妮尔斯蒂尔 Now, you're speaking my Danielle Steel language.
那些根本就是黄书 Those books are porn.
雅拉可真是了不起 对吧？ And isn't Yara just a star?
她跟随自己的心走 让传统都见鬼去 I mean, following her heart, tradition be damned.
来了 快看 Oh! Look, it's happening.
我的天啊 上面写了什么？ Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What does it say?
“今晚 海滩 不见不散” "Tonight. The beach. Meet me."
啊 如此言简意赅 Oh! Such concise language.
天啊 看着他俩 我心中的大屌都硬了 Man, I have a huge boner in my heart for these two.
就如丹妮尔斯蒂尔说的 “我的那话儿胀得厉害” To quote Danielle Steel, "My member is throbbing."
全车车身贴膜 霓虹紫色的底盘灯套件？ "Full vehicle wrap, neon purple underglow kit"?
定制太阳队安全气囊？ "Custom Suns airbags"?
是啊 让我超想撞车的 Yeah, makes me want to crash my car.
你怎么可能负担得起这些？ Uh, how could you possibly afford all this, Doug?
你只是个跑腿兔 You're a TaskRabbit.
-其实呢 我的评分过低了 -天哪 -Actually, my rating dropped too low. -Oh, God.
我造成了几起电视安装事故 There was some mounting evidence
-而且证据充足 -原来如此 -of some TV mounting accidents, so… -Sure.
所以我现在只是普通兔子 因为我超喜欢做爱的！ …now I'm just a rabbit 'cause I still love to fuck!
-当然了 -别对他那么凶嘛 -You sure do. -Go easy on him, Pete.
他刚丢了工作 He just lost his job.
通过剥削性的软件 根据当地的临时需求 Freelance labor matched to temporary local demand
提供临时劳动力 严格来说不算工作 萝谢尔 through an exploitative app is technically not a job, Rochelle.
听着就是工作 钱就是钱 Sounds like a job to me. Money is money.
是零工 零工！ It's a gig. A gig!
天哪 皮特 你口气真像唐娜 Jeez, Pete, you sound a lot like Donna.
说到唐娜 她怎么办？ And what about Donna, Doug?
你本该存钱给唐娜买个订婚戒指的 You're supposed to be saving money to buy Donna an engagement ring.
-靠 我没想到这一点 -没错 你没有 -Oh! Damn. I didn't think about that. -No, you didn't.
人家沉醉于爱的狂喜中嘛 I was caught in the rapture of love.
你这次又干了什么好事？ What in the absolute fuck did you do now?
-来了 -糟糕 -And here it comes. -Oh shit.
-我可以解释 -这也太他妈紫了！ -I-- I can explain. -It's so fucking purple!
也有橙色和黄色啊 Well, it's also orange and yellow.
我真他妈不敢相信 道格 你又这样了 I can't fuckin' believe you, Doug. You did it again.
天啊 我又怎样了 宝贝？ Oh, God. Did what again, babe?
你又让我爱上你了 Made me fall in love with you.
我爱死这辆车了 我爱死你了！ I love it! And I love you!
噢 宝贝 我也爱死你了！ Oh, babe, I love you!
好吧 这完全说不通 Okay. This doesn't make any sense.
这就是爱啊 宝贝 That's love, baby.
你猜怎么着 You know what?
我本打算在下周 太阳对阵篮网的球赛上这么做的 I was gonna wait to do this at the Suns versus Nets game next week,
但我现在真他妈湿透了 but I'm so goddamn wet right now.
道格拉斯弗雷德里克 你愿意嫁给我吗？ Douglas Frederick, will you marry me?
我愿意！好多个我愿意！ Yes! Yes! Several times, yes!
现在让咱们在你那性感的战车上 来个激情车震吧 太阳队万岁！ Now let's get all Steve Nashty in that throbbing chariot of yours. Go, Suns!
太阳队万岁！ Go, Suns!
太阳队万岁 Go, Suns.
雅拉来赴约了 她准备好了 但萨菲会出现吗？ Yara's here. She's ready, but will Safi show?
难道萨菲被秘密警察杀死了？ Has Safi been killed by the secret police?
开玩笑的 他没有 JK, JK, he hasn't.
这一出已经上演过几百次了 但仍然是我的最爱 We've done this hundreds of times, but it's still my favorite.
我彻底上瘾了！ I'm addicted!
那就不曾困扰过你吗？ And it never bothers you?
哪一部分？ Which part?
她被悲惨地困在 失去记忆的无尽循环中那一部分 The part where she's tragically trapped in an endless loop of lost memories?
艾米 你就让我和雅拉享受这一刻吧 Emmy, let Yara and I have this.
他来了！ Oh! There he is.
好一个腓尼基猛男 Oh! What a God damn Phoenician hunk.
哇塞！ Damn!
我还以为你不来了
我当然会来 我爱你 为了你 我愿意走500公里路
而且我愿意再走500公里 只为成为你的…
别说话 吻我！
看看他们 多么澎湃的激情 Look at them. Such passion.
多么美丽的夕阳 我真想永远留在这里 Such a sunset. I want to stay here forever.
妈！是我啊 你儿子阿米尔 Ma! It's me, your son, Amir.
你知道他们把我给你买的好毯子 放哪儿了吗？ Do you know where they put the good blankets I got you?
阿米尔？ Amir?
就是印着你最爱的约克夏犬的那个 You know, the ones with the Yorkshire Terriers you love?
-萨菲？ -不是萨菲 -Safi? -Not Safi.
-为什么不是萨菲？ -阿米尔 -Why no Safi? -Amir.
不好意思 我们的好毯子在哪儿啊？这里冷死了 Excuse me, do you know where our good blankets are? It's freezing in here.
-我都看到我妈的奶头了 -萨菲！ -I can see my mother's nipples. -Safi!
那家伙干嘛提你奶头啊？ What's happening? Why's that man talking about your nipples?
我们在哪里啊？ Where are we?
我们回到了混蛋之国 We're back in the U.S. of A-holes.
他总是这样 He does this all the time.
沃尔特 你在流汗 Walter, you're sweating.
给她压力 送她来这里等死 Stressing her out. Sticking her in here to die.
为什么就不能 让她回到黎巴嫩和萨菲在一起？ Why can't she just be back in Lebanon with Safi?
这真他妈不公平！ This is so fucking unfair.
当心 沃尔特 你要变成一只恨虫了 Walter? Be careful. You're turning into a Hateworm.
爱的第一百万零一课！ Love lesson number one million and one!
爱与恨只有一线之隔！ The line between love and hate is thin as hell!
你以为你只要狂撸狂射 You'd think if you cum enough,
最终就能把你那张该死的肥猪脸的脂肪全排出来 it'll finally drain the fat out of your fat fucking face,
但那只是因为你妈妈给你留下了童年创伤 but that's just your mother talking.
是不是感觉好多啦？ Didn't that feel good?
是啊 我感觉自己超苗条 Yeah. I feel fucking skinny.
拜托 毛瑞斯 你难道看不出来她想做什么吗？ Oh! Pfft! Come on, Maurice. Don't you see what she's trying to do?
帮我将我的自尊心和精液量 区分开来？ What, help me divorce my self-esteem from my load size?
不是！她是想驯服你 她想驯服我们大家！ No! She's trying to tame you. She's trying to tame all of us!
我可以想象那对你来说是多么可怕 莫娜 I can imagine how frightening that must be for you, Mona.
我可以想象把你的眼球挖出来 I can imagine popping out your eyeballs
像一对睾丸一样挂在我胯下 and dangling them from my crotch like a pair of testicles.
谢谢你哈 Thank you for that.
你们可别忘了 我们是荷尔蒙怪 Come on, we are Hormone Monsters, don't you forget it.
摇滚明星有性生活 全靠我们这些牛逼货 We're the fucking rock stars who get rock stars fucked.
-没错 -史蒂夫温伍德算吗？ -It's true. -Does Steve Winwood count?
因为他是我的客户 'Cause I work with Steve Winwood.
摇滚明星爱写关于性爱的歌 让人听了也做起爱来 And rock stars write songs about fucking that make other people fuck!
-没错！ -史蒂夫的性生活其实很活跃哦 -Alright! -Steve Winwood fucks. More than you'd think.
你驯服了我们 你就驯服了他们 You tame us, you tame them.
要是人类停止做爱 就没有人类了 And if humans stop fucking, no more humans!
-没错！ -没有人类 就没有人力资源 -Yes! -No more humans, no more Human Resources.
没错！然后你们就只能和那个 Yeah! And then you're all stuck working with that alien race
只进化到自舔屌阶段的外星族合作了 that hasn't evolved past sucking its own dick.
你想跟我谈职场性爱？ You wanna talk abut sex in the workplace?
亲爱的 性爱就是我的职场 Well, honey, sex is my workplace.
-没错！ -说得好 莫娜！ -Yeah! -Preach, Mona, preach!
-我们想要什么？ -做爱！ -What do we want? -Sex!
想要什么时候做？ And when do we want it?
无时无刻都要做！ All the time!
做爱！ Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
做菜！ Chex Mix! Chex Mix! Chex Mix!
嘿 瑞克 我们是在高呼“做爱” Hey, Rick. We're chanting, "sex," bud.
-该你出招了 共情 -做爱！ -Your move, Empathy. -Sex, sex!
好吧 这样吧 作为妥协 Stop! Okay. What if, as a compromise,
我让高层给你们准备自己专属的交媾室怎么样？ I get Corporate to give you guys your own designated fuck room?
中间还有个排水口 让我们冲掉我们的残渣吗？ Oh, with a drain in the middle so we can hose down our drippings?
那听上去更像是谋杀室 Well, that sounds more like a murder room.
是啊 用来互相操死对方的 Yeah! To murder our private parts in.
莫娜 你怎么说？ Well, Mona, what do you say?
她们相爱了 They're falling in love.
再附上一台平板电视 和Starz电视台订阅 Throw in a flat-screen telly and a subscription to Starz.
不是Star哦！ With a "Z."
-那就成交 -就这么说定 -And I suppose we have a deal. -Done.
-能要个放假阳具的柜子吗？ -对！ -Hey, listen, could we get a dildo cubby? -Yes!
提前规划嘛 I'm just thinking ahead.
这是哪里啊？我好困惑啊！ Where are we? I'm so confused!
妈 你别这样 Mama, please.
你居然敢把你妈妈放在这个老年人的动物园里 How dare you put your mother in this zoo for old people?
-放松 深呼吸 -你走开！
你知道这对你妈妈来说是多么大的侮辱吗？ Do you know what an insult that is to your mama?
她做的一切都是为了你！ She did everything for you!
沃尔特！ Walter!
-我真他妈讨厌她变老 -啊 -I fucking hate her being old. -Ahh!
他只是希望他妈妈能有好毯子盖 He just wants his mother to have the good blankets.
至少他还来探望她 他在尽力了！ At least he visits her. He's doing his best!
-哦 妈妈 我差点忘了 -那是什么？ -Oh, Mama, I almost forgot. -Oh, my God! What was that?
是咖啡馆的玫瑰茶吗？ Is this rose tea from the café?
是啊 我跟你说过的 我从黎巴嫩妈妈好茶网上买的 Yeah, I told you. I ordered it from YourLebaneseMothersTeas.com.
-噢 -不便宜呢 -Aww. -And it's not cheap.
来 沃尔特 闻闻看 闻闻这茶 Here, Walter, smell. Smell the tea.
那闻起来像… 萨菲 That smells like… Safi.
总算等到了 我给我妈妈买了这么棒的毯子 Finally. I bought these nice blankets
你们却把它藏在柜子里 for my mother and you keep them in the closet?
我们付钱给你干嘛的？ What are we paying you for?
这是我儿子阿米尔 This is my son Amir.
他每天都来看我 而且对我照顾有加 He visits me every day and he takes the best care of me.
妈妈 别这样 狗狗看着呢 Please, Mama. Not in front of the doggies.
我总是忘记这部分 真是窝心 I always forget this part. It's nice.
“总是”？每次都这样吗？ "Always"? This happens every time?
不是哦 有时候我会彻底抓狂 Oh, no. Sometimes I really lose my shit.
尽管你对他发飙 尽管她大半时间都不知道他是谁 And he keeps visiting even though you freak out on him?
他还是不停来探望她吗？ And she doesn't know who he is half the time?
他爱她呀 Well, he loves her.
也许爱是现身支持和陪伴 Huh. I guess love means showing up?
瞧瞧你 悟出了爱的第一百万零二课 Well, look at you! All the way up to lesson number one million and two.
那也许我应该现身支持和陪伴贝卡 Hm… And so then, maybe, I should be showing up for Becca.
哎呦 你并没有你所说的那么极其无能嘛 Hey, now, you're not as grossly incompetent as you claim to be.
我可没这么说过 Well, I never said that.
那是谁说的？有人这么说了 Oh! Then who said that? Somebody said that.
是我说的吗？大概是了 Did I say that? I probably did.
嘿 皮皮 你个硬邦邦的小甜心 还在生我的气吗？ Hey, Petey-Petey, you rock-hard sweetie. You still mad at me?
嘿 萝萝 你是只爱虫 我们是同事 Hey, Rochelle-Rochelle. You are a Lovebug. We work together.
那就是没有咯？ I guess that's a no?
看来道格那辆丑死人的紫色车子比你预想的效果还要好 Well, it seems Doug's terrible purple car worked out even better than you thought.
哟 乡亲们 What's up, everybody?
我今天人在康涅狄格州的哈特福德 这个傻瓜是我的司机 I'm in Hartford, Connecticut, today, and this fool's driving me around.
看看他对他的车做了什么 Look what he did to his car.
嘿 查尔斯先生 这颗篮球也是一颗太阳哦！ Hey, Sir Charles, the basketball is also a sun!
天哪 这家伙真是个白痴 Oh, man, this guy is an idiot.
我爱死了 I love it.
-道格找到工作了？ -零工 他找到零工了 -Doug got a job? -Gig. He got a gig.
-给他偶像打的零工呢！ -总算是个开始 -Yeah, with his hero! -Well, it's a start.
我有件东西送你 作为和解礼物 Well, I got you something. A little peace offering.
你知道我是个石像 对吧？我不会觉得冷的 You, uh, know I'm a rock, right? I don't get cold.
你当然不会 但你穿着挺帅的 Of course you don't. But hey, you look kinda cute.
-是吗？ -嗯呢 -I do? -Mm-hm.
-谢谢你 -不客气 -Oh, thank you. -Of course.
-我们之间有点什么了 -是啊 -We, uh, have a thing now. -Yeah.
一件有意义的物品代表着的同志情谊 A sense of camaraderie captured in a meaningful object.
好吧 随便你想怎么叫 Okay, if that's what you want to call it.
我喜欢 尽管它不切实际 I like it despite its impracticality.
好了 不跟你瞎扯了 晚安 Okay, cool. I'm done. Have a good night.
晚安 萝谢尔 Good night, Rochelle.
我们荷尔蒙怪想让你们知道… We hormone monsters want you to know…
我们听见你们的心声 We hear you.
我们明白你们的感受 We see you.
我们尊重你们 老兄老姐们 We respect you, man, and women.
我们很抱歉我们那么坏 And we're sorry we were naughty.
但我们学到了一些东西 But we've learned something.
我们值得拥有我们的好鸡巴 We deserve our good dicks.
我们会试着多为他人着想的 And we're gonna try to be more, you know, considerate.
对 也会试着专业一点 Yeah. And more professional.
并且同时继续当牛逼的性爱大师 All while still being the rocking fuck stars that we are.
团队齐心 其利断金！ Teamwork is cream-work!
中间有个排水口哦 There's a drain in the middle.
噢 好棒 Oh, yeah!
天啊 爽爆了 Oh, God!
何塞 快他妈接电话！ Jose, answer the damn phones!
我勒个去 佩特拉 我正在午休啦！ Oh, for crying out loud, Petra! I'm on my lunch break.