我过去总怕别人看到我内裤上的污渍 I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants.
拜托 全天下的女人都是这样的 好吗！ And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay?
世上是没有哪个女人的内裤 There is no woman who ends her day with,
在一天之末还能洁白如新 like, a clean pair of underpants
新得和从未出售一样 好吗！ that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay?
女人的内裤就像一个倒放的袋子 They look like little bags that have fallen face down
里面像装着奶酪一样 in, like, a tub of cream cheese,
它们像特种兵一样 匍匐前进 and then, like, commando-crawled their way out.
个个相连 朝着裆下的一片湿地进发 And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch.
所以内裤是很隐私的东西 Like, they're not items that are for anyone to see.
但现在 我会觉得 "随便啦 看就看" But now, I'm just like, "Whatever."
我有一个善解人意的小阴阴 You know, I have a human vagina.
这里谁刚才看着我 然后心里想着 Okay, who here just saw my face
它们是从犹太教堂的面包店弄来的吧 and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue?
谁这么想了? Who thought that?
有没有人看着我想 这女的怎么丑得 Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of
像滴蜡的娜塔莉·安博莉亚? if a menorah fucked Natalie Imbruglia?
但其实我还挺喜欢 懂吗? But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean?
就像 当一对女同有了个宝宝 You know, like when two lesbians have a baby,
每个人都祝贺 "她俩终于有了自己的孩子" and everyone's like, "They did it!"
但俩妈心里想的 "实际上是卡伦的" And they're like,"But it's really Karen's.
"一定会越长越壮" "It's gonna be husky."
你们一定会说 "你这女的嘴怎么这么贱" You guys are like,"You're a horrible woman."
但我跟你说 我承认 我嘴真的很贱 But let me tell you,I agree. I agree.
惊奇吧 我是有伴儿的人 I, surprisingly,am not alone in my life.
我有个男朋友 I have a boyfriend.
没错 他很酷 Yeah, he's cool.
他嘛 你懂的 器大活儿好 He's got a, you know, working dick.
我觉得 还算是个男人 这么说没错 Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way.
但在我需要的时候 But I'm still honking down on
我依旧对他的神器无法抗拒 that D when I need to.
仅仅 在我需要的时候 Literally, only when I need to.
不是说我不喜欢 Like, it's not that I don't like doing it.
只不过 过了那一阵儿 就渐渐变成了 It's just that, after a while,it just becomes a step towards,
按节奏来的打炮 like, getting rhythmically banged out
直到烦恼都烟消云散 你就可以大睡一整晚了 until your worries can go away,and you can pass out for eight hours.
我们俩之间现在就是这种状态 That's sort of where we're at.
我们注重实践 偏向实用 Functional. Functional, you know.
我们已经把各种体位各种角色的都玩遍了 We've worked out all the kinks.
天 我好像感觉到他的心刚刚停止跳动了 Man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating.
我们初次约会时 我的菊花比我还紧张 When we first started dating,my butthole was so scared,
但 在那情那景下放屁定会破坏气氛 you know, that it might, like,lose the chance at romance,
但后来我的菊花还是没稳住 that it was just like, "Everyone,shut down,"
然后就到了 and it was
"大家请屏住呼吸"的时刻.... like...
到后来当他送我回到公寓后 我假装镇定地 But then when he would, like,leave my apartment, I would be like,
道了声 "晚安" "Good night,"
装作今夜的一切是多么的完美 and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened.
但我脑里一直在想 Even though I was like,
"刚才应该不要紧的吧 "Was that cool when I did that?
刚才应该不要紧的吧" Was that cool when I did that?"
然后我一直自慰再自慰 等他回来 Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back.
我立马关上门 在那站一会儿 I would just shut the door and, like,
紧接着传来了菊花的捷报... stand there for a minute and then just be like...
"不不不 你怎么可以暴露本性" "No, no, no. Don't you be your old self."
然后又纠结成 And then it would be like,
"但释放自我感觉超棒 我要..." "But it feels so good. I gotta..."
我菊花在呐喊 "我要做回自己!" That's my butthole's voice."I gotta be me!
"我要做回自己！" "I gotta be me!"
然后就听到这样的声音... And then it would just be like...
那只是我上楼放屁的声音 That's me walking up my stairs.
有人要吐了吗? Anyone need a barf bag?
- 嘿 – 嗨 亲爱的 - Hey. - Hi, sweetie.
- 感觉怎么样? – 挺好呀 - How's it going? - Good.
我是中风错乱了吗 Am I having a stroke,
还是这个肥皂本来就是是爆米花味儿的? or does this soap smell like popcorn?
- 是肥皂本身的味道 – 那就好 - You're not having a stroke. - Good.
闻起来和你平时一样 没异味 It just smells like your hand,you know. Smells normal.
他们几个人打算去别的酒吧续摊 A couple of other people are going to another bar,
我知道你不想走太远 and I know that you don't like leaving the radius,
但我真的很想去 but I really wanna go and have,
再喝个 一杯 两杯 超级多杯 like,one, two, one million more drinks.
恩 我就不去了 Yeah, I don't think I can go.
好吧 那你是想直接回家吗 Okay. Do you wanna just go home,
我们可以回去吧上次那部纪录片看完… and we can finish that documentary about...
你没发现最近我们俩关系很糟吗? Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know?
你又爱走到台上说我们那些私密事 And then you go, and you talk about it up there.
让我觉得很尴尬 It's just a very weird feeling for me.
你还在为昨晚生我的气吗? Are you still mad at me about last night?
- 我没有 – 我告诉过你我之所以不舒服 - No. - 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well,
是因为我上班的时候吃了路边摊的串儿 because I ate street meat from the cart at work.
还有就是 关于你刚刚说的我们喜好不同 And also, you just said you didn't do the thing
我并没有... that I wanna do, and I'm not...
我和凯特睡了很多次了 I've been sleeping with Kate.
你说什么? What?
我们不能再瞒着你了 You know, we can't lie to you anymore.
你们已经成 "我们" 了? You're, like, a we?
你们已经在一起了? 不会吧 You guys are a we? No.
我本想早点告诉你的 I wanted to tell you sooner.
但你总呆在这儿 你活动这么多 But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place.
我们都没有时间一起谈谈或做任何事! We never talk or anything!
我每隔天晚上都在你家啊 I'm at your house every other night.
为什么你... Why are you...
和我分手的时候你能别看手机吗! Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me!
是不是她在找你? Is she calling you? Is she asking you,"
是不是在问 "你甩掉她了吗? " Have you dumped her yet?"
不是 No.
- 还是你这人贱到... - 对不起 - Or are you just such a dick... - Sorry.
...要边看手机边甩了我? ...that you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me?
我只是不知道该看哪里 I just don't know where to look.
你不懂该看哪? 你可以看着这里啊 You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area.
嗨 赖安 Hi, Ryan.
你收到我的短信了吗 I don't know if you're getting my messages,
我真的很想再和你谈谈 but I really need to talk.
抱歉 我刚才没听见… I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...
我才不在乎自动回复! I don't care about the beep!
不接我电话 怪我咯! I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone!
凯特有乳头瘤病毒 Kate has HPV.
小心被传染了以后 老二长肉瘤 The kind of HPV where you get warts on your stuff
她还得了卵巢癌 and ovarian cancer.
我知道她还有很多不光彩的事 There's a lot of other stuff I could say,
但我是个大家闺秀 我就不细说了 but I'm a lady.
然后她会死于癌症 Yeah, and then she dies of cancer,
而最后剩你一个人处理巨债.... and you're stuck with the bill, so...
我想为我刚给你留的言道歉 I just wanted to apologize for the voicemail that I just left on your voicemail.
我还想对你说 "神经病!" And I also wanted to say, "Psych!"
祝你幸福! Have a great life!
我会和我这世上只有四分之一的好女人 I'll be here with my normal HPV
才可拥有的乳头好好活的！ that one in four nice women have.
我是不会为这条道歉留言 And there will not be an apology message
而留言道歉的 再见! for this apology message. Goodbye.
- 你还好吗? – 内莉! - You okay? - Nellie!
你看起来像个天生的女同 You look like a lez who just got back from Birthright.
让一下 Move.
这是你的木屐 These clogs are yours.
赖安一直很讨厌我的木屐 Ryan always hated my clogs.
以后就不会有这些问题了 Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh?
你看了我发的短信了吗? You got my texts?
我看了 真的很抱歉 I did do. I'm sorry.
你想谈谈吗? Do you want to talk about it?
好吧 Okay.
你刚刚受打击 我们没必要现在就谈 You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it.
我从前一直在怀疑赖安是不是喜欢凯特 I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate,
但后来我告诉我自己 but then I just told myself
这只是是缺乏安全感和嫉妒的表现 I was being insecure and jealous.
现在呢 我最怕的事情真的发生了 And now, all my worst fears have come true.
事实不是这样的 That's not what happened.
事实是他是个渣男 而她也是个贱货 What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch.
- 我爱你 – 我也是 - I love you. - I love you, too.
往上躺点儿 Come on up here.
- 我愿为你上刀山下火海 – 我知道 - You know I'd take a bullet for you, right? - I know.
- 甚至失去生命我也愿意 – 我知道 - Right into my heart. - I know.
内莉 你真是贴心 善良又漂亮 Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.
恩恩 Okay.
你还好吗? 要不要我今晚在这儿陪你睡? You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you?
我不能这样对你 I can't do that to you,
因为我准备要把这床变为屁之海洋 because I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.
好的 Okay.
你这样我很高兴 That sounds too cozy for me.
- 好吧 我爱你 – 我爱你 - All right, I love you. - I love you.
- 多娜 - 操 天啊 - Donna. - Shit, Gene.
对不起 对不起 对不起 我没想吓着你的 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
不 是我应该道歉 我最近都没睡好 No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well.
听着 多娜 Listen, Donna,
我有些事要和你说 there's something that I need to talk to you about.
不 不 不 我已经打电话给管道工了 No, no, no. I already called the plumber.
我们只要… We're just...
我们还得用浴室到六号 We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on Sixth
- 再等几天 - 不是这事 是... - for, like, a few days. - It's not that. It's...
我就和你直说了吧 Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.
房东要赶我们走了 我们还有六周时间 The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks.
什么? What?
他们要关掉这家店 They're closing the store.
真没天理! 太黑了！ That's crazy! That's disgusting!
这儿简直就是纽约的传统建筑之一! This place is like a New York institution!
你在这五年了 You've been here five years.
我在这三十年了 I've been here for 30.
有时我们也不得不和所爱之物告别 Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love.
你说得当然轻巧啦 That's really easy for you to say,'
你肯定会搬到伍德斯托克镇去 cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,
买一堆蜡烛 悠哉悠哉地清闲过每一天 and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles and just, like, chill out all day.
嘿 听起来不错噢 我也觉得我会这样做的 Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that.
听着 多娜 事物变迁是有益的 Listen, change is good, Donna.
天 这是你和我说过的最粗鲁的一句话 Man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me.
你知道吗 那个赖安 他不是个绅士 You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman.
好 我现在要打给他 Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now,
我要告诉他你是这么评价他的 and I'm gonna tell him that you said that.
你不要为了怀念那男的再浪费 You're not gonna waste one valuable moment
你一分一秒宝贵光阴 of your young precious life mourning that boy.
我现在整个人一团糟 I'm a mess.
我每天都在以泪洗面 出门在外也不例外 I can't even be in public without bursting into tears.
我好像把每条地铁线都哭了个遍 And I think I've cried on every train line.
噢 宝贝 Oh, baby.
当你妈刚和我离婚的时候 You know, when your mom and I split up,
我曾以为生活已经失去了意义 I thought my life was over.
你知道是什么激发了我吗? You know what saved me?
和你基姆叔叔的一次散步漫谈 A long walk with your Uncle Jim.
我们边走边谈 我们谈人生 We walked, we talked, and we talked about life,
谈宗教与精神世界 and spirituality,
谈民族认同与歧视 and identity and racism.
一直谈到了第二天清晨 And by the time the sun came up,
我们便有了我们第一个电视节目的雏形 we had the premise for our first TV show.
–"我们便有了我们第一个电视节目的雏形" "We had the premise for our first TV show."
是的 We did.
- 闻起来真香 – 意大利面 - That smells good. - Spaghetti.
- 你最爱的酱汁 多蜂蜜 - 多蜂蜜 - Your favorite sauce, extra honey. - Extra honey.
那我一定会好好享用的 I can eat this.
这说明 创造力只有在人生低点 You know, creative energy sometimes comes
才能被激发出来 from the lowest point in your life.
但 爸爸 你有你的小伙伴 But, Dad, you had a partner
能陪你一起度过这一切 to do all of that with.
我孤身一人 只能自己激励自己 I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up.
消极情绪可以助你一臂之力 Well, negativity will either be your best friend
也可以将你毁之一旦 or your worst enemy.
你是怎么克服恐惧的? How do you want to approach your fears?
安眠药 Tylenol PM.
不 活下去 No. Living.
活下去是最好的复仇 Living is the best revenge.
快点吃 我们谈完 你还要去你妈那儿 So eat up, and then when we're finished, you're gonna go visit your mom.
她很担心你 She's worried about you.
你们俩要知道一点 You guys need to know
社会上有很多孩子几个月都不愿意和父母说话 there are some children out there who don't talk to their parents for months.
- 电话都不打一个的 – 真的吗? - Like, even on the telephone. - Really? Really?
我的孩子不这样 Not my child.
- 好吧 - Okay.
你有时行为偏差 You're an aberration.
状况频频 You're all wrong.
你是个特别的孩子 You're the weird one.
你真漂亮 就这样保持住 You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second.
你会以我为豪吗? Are you proud of me?
– 你就是我人生最大的骄傲 I'm very proud of you.
我以前的一个学生开了家职介所 You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency.
他们有路子能把人引进娱乐界工作 They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world.
把酱汁递给我 Pass the duck sauce.
你都快没收入了 怎么看起来都无所谓 You're about to lose your income. You don't seem the least bit concerned.
我真的很担心 妈 相信我 我快要担心死了 I'm terrified, Mom. Believe me, I very much am.
但我才不要帮你学校的学生打工呢 But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students.
你都快三十了 你还不会算你该交多少税 You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes.
我还有好几年才三十呢 I'm a couple of years away from 30,
还有 不懂得算该交多少税的人很正常 and nobody knows how to do their taxes.
你和你的税务代理人说了要预订业务了吗 Have you spoken to your agent about booking any commercial work?
我还没 因为她最近老是手淫 You know, I haven't, because recently, she put her entire body into her oven.
你就不能认真说话 You're never serious.
今年我会找特波税务公司的做 好吗? I will use TurboTax this year, okay?
把盘子给我 Hand me the plate.
不知你是否注意到 我最近正在经历感情危机 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.
我知道你正经历着一些苦痛 I know you're going through some pain right now,
但你一直以来都可以扛过来的 but you're always gonna be
这次也肯定可以的 going through something.
我已经几个月没向你借钱了 I haven't borrowed money from you in months.
而且我刚刚花钱洗了器官 And I just did that commercial for the organic douche,
对我很有好处 which is gonna be a real boon to my image.
我真的很开心你做了清洗 这钱花得很值 Well, I'm glad you did the douche job. The douche paid well.
没错 Definitely,
别再说”灌洗”这词了（有骂人的意思） stop saying "douche."
你生活里还有许多事情你可以大胆地做选择 There are other things in your life you could afford to be a little more selective about.
比如说 你的下任男友 Your next beau, for example.
我永远记得他告诉我们 I'll never forget that brunch
他高考分数的那顿早午餐 when he told us his SAT scores.
妈 真的 有很多人都不擅长考试 Mom, really, a lot of people aren't good test-takers.
你当初就很擅长啊 You were.
但你现在把那780个动词 And now you waste that 780 verbal
浪费在说些拉屎拉裤子上的笑话上面了 on telling jokes about having diarrhea in your pants.
我操 Fuck it.
我再喝三口 I'll take three more sips,
他再不出来的话 我就走 and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go.
我就再多喝两口 I'll take two more sips, actually.
如果那位穿着棕褐色夹克的女士 And if the lady in the tan jacket
在我喝第二口的时候过了马路 crosses the street on the second sip,
那就意味着我真的要回家了 then that means that I should go home.
混账 Motherfucker.
你这是在干嘛? 我到底在干什么? What are you doing? What am I doing?
回你自己家去 Just go home to your house.
操! Fuck!
他们还他妈养了只狗 They have a fucking dog.
你刚才在做什么? What were you doing?
在外边儿做了下小跟踪工作 Just out doing some light stalking.
你不是吧! No!
我到底是怎么了? What is wrong with me?
没事 你一切都很好 Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
我怎么从没察觉到呢? How did I not know?
那两人不爱社交 Those two are sociopaths.
这是我的错 This is my fault.
我就不应该在我演说的时候拿我们的感情来说 I never should have talked about our relationship in my act.
不 别说了 No, fuck that noise.
你知道你这人最大的优点是什么吗? You know what is so great about you?
叠衣服叠得好? I'm good at folding the laundry?
不是 亲爱的 你叠衣服的功力很糟 No, sweetie, you're terrible at folding the laundry.
你这人最大的优点是 What is so great about you is that
当你站在台上 你是那么坦坦荡荡 you are unapologetically yourself
做真实的自己 on that stage every time,
这正是人们喜欢你的原因 and that's why people love you.
听着 我不会让 Listen, I'm not gonna let
你被那傻逼和那白骨精的事情给打倒的 that mouth-breather and fucking bag of bones bring you down.
- 她真的是我的目标体重啊 – 她很恶心 - She's actually my target weight. - That is gross.
我觉得喜剧就应该真实 I guess comedy is supposed to be honest.
让我来和你们说说我自己 So let me just tell you a little bit about me.
正如人们所说 As they say,
我爱男人就像我爱我最爱的咖啡 I like my men the way I like my coffee.
让人反胃 Disgusting,
非常淡却也非常苦 like, very weak and bitter,
凉了 且一点都不甜 and cold, not sweet at all.
底部也很坚硬 如果你懂咖啡豆的话 Very gritty on the bottom as well. If you know coffee like that,
就像 "你是多少号?" I'm just like, "What is your number?"
既然我们都在想象一个淫秽的下部 And now that we're all picturing a very filthy bottom,
我觉得是时候欢迎一个人上舞台 I think it's time to bring one to the stage.
她是我最好的朋友 And she's my best friend in the entire world.
你们会像我一样那么爱她 I think you guys are gonna love her just as much as I do.
大家 让我们欢迎多娜 斯特恩! Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern!
耶! Yeah!
开始了 Here we go.
- 有问题吗? - 没有 - Everything cool? - No.
我爱这个家伙 I love that guy.
好的 我刚才在厕所 Okay. I was in the bathroom
因为那是我唯一能做的 'cause that is all that I have left.
如果你因为哭的太狠 Does it count as exercise
一直超级用劲紧紧地挤压你的身体 if you are just squeezing your body all the time super-hard, super-tight,
那能算是运动吗? 'cause you're just crying so hard?
你们有人能理解吗? Does that make sense to any of you?
这是个反问 That was a rhetorical question.
我应该转过来 对吧? I should probably turn around, right?
别废话! No shit!
好的 好吧 Okay. All right.
先生 你别说屁话 那是脏话 粗鲁 "No shit" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude.
你们看到我脸上有深深的泪痕 In case you can't tell from my deep, deep ridges on my face,
最近我别一个还活着的男性甩了 I was recently dumped up with by a human male who is still alive.
所以 祝他一切都好 So, good for him.
我觉得当某个人做了坏事的时候就应该去死 I feel like when someone does something bad, they should just die.
但相反的是 But instead,
我们却看着他们幸福的花朵绽放 we die a slow death
自己在慢慢死去 and watch their happiness bloom.
谨遵医嘱 Doctor's orders.
我亲密的朋友 她是一个很不错的人 My very nice close friend who's such a nice person
她和我男朋友上床了 decided to fuck my boyfriend.
我想要杀了他们 I would love to just murder-suicide them.
很多人多说我像安妮弗兰克 A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank.
但我绝不会从大屠杀中幸存下来 I would never have survived the Holocaust.
那是可以肯定的 That's for sure.
如果你能冷静的话 这会是艺术 If you were cool, this could be art.
或者我能冷静的话 Or if I were cool.
你觉得这个不好笑吗? 你要退钱吗? Is this not working for you? Do you want your money back?
因为这个表演是免费的 'Cause the show is free.
我想要我原来的生活 I want my life back,
但那回不来了因为它被毁了 but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined.
那是我付出的代价 So that is a cost I have incurred.
我会分享更多 我要分享更多 I'll share more. I'll share more.
你们似乎很爱听 You guys seem to be fucking loving it.
众所周知的绯闻 你们知道的 就像 Full-blown affair, you know?
她叫什么? 像菲唐娜薇 Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway?
你们明白我在说什么? 就像 "扭翘臀" You know what I mean? It's, like, "Cool move."
这样的动作让你们觉得我上床很厉害 对吧? This kind of thing makes you think I'm pretty good at fucking, right?
这是因为她就是个中高手 It's 'cause she's one of those fucking girls with a thread count.
这他妈是个鬼地方 This place is a fucking shithole.
我真的很高兴我在这表演名单上 So I'm really glad to be on your roster.
她在他的鸡巴上上下慢慢移动 She's just going up and down on his dick so slowly
以便让他知道她的阴户多么的粉嫩 so that he knows exactly how blonde her pussy is.
然后我进去了 我杀光了他们 Then I just come in, and I murder-sui everything,
然后她床单上溅满了污渍 and then she gets stains on her sheets.
无论如何... But anyhow...
- 这是最糟糕的一次 - 没那么糟 - That was the worst. - It wasn't that bad.
好吧 别误解我 这很可怕 Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible.
但这不是我看过最糟的喜剧 But it wasn't the worst comedy I've ever seen.
这不是喜剧 这甚至称不上是表演 That was not comedy. That was not even a performance.
这甚至不是艺术表演 That was not even performance art.
我认为很多人今晚对大屠杀了解了很多 I think a lot of people learned a lot about the Holocaust tonight.
你知道关于这个可怕故事的 You know what the
最可悲的事是什么吗? saddest thing about this whole terrible story is?
不仅仅是凯特和我男友上床了 It's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend
毁了我的感情生活 and ruin that area of my life,
而且现在我甚至做不了单口喜剧 but now I can't even do standup,
而能做单口喜剧 which was the one thing about me
却是唯一让我觉得我比她好的地方 that made me better than her.
我讨厌你在这件事上过多的针对凯特 I hate how much you're focusing on Kate in all of this.
如果你要维护她的话 我就立刻消失 If you're about to defend her right now, I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.
我要说的是 她并没有哄骗赖安和她上床 All I'm saying is, like, she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her.
他是个混蛋 He's a fucking asshole.
好吧 这个经历对我来说太酷了 Okay. Well, this experience has been so cool for me.
但是我要回家 穿上舒适的运动裤 But I have to go home, and put on my sweatpants,
屏住气直至我死掉 and try and hold my breath until I die.
不! 你要待在这和我一起喝酒 No! You have to stay here and drink with me.
我们在浪费 这里 我在付钱了 We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying.
嘿 请给我两杯威士忌 Hi. Can I get two Jacks and Cokes, please?
你在用你导弹偷偷向我发射激光啊 You're really lasering into me with your peepy missiles there.
什么? What?
我说你在用你导弹偷偷向我发射激光 I said that you were lasering into me with your peepy missiles.
我的眼珠子是导弹吗? Are my eyes my peepy missiles?
我不是医生 I'm not a doctor.
是的 抱歉 抱歉 Yeah, sorry, sorry.
这两杯酒都是给你的? Both those drinks for you?
这些正对你的脸? Are both those faces yours?
不 我毁了这次谈话 No, I crashed and burned this conversation.
不! 不 你没有 别这样 没事 No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on. No, it's okay.
天哪 懒人鞋? Man, slip-ons?
懒人鞋怎么了? What's wrong with slip-ons?
冬天啦! It's the winter!
这是多功能鞋 These are an all-purpose shoe.
用于你兄弟会住所里所有的项目 For all purposes inside of your frat house
兄弟会住所就是每个人去打乒乓 互相扔烟头 where everyone's going ping-pong, and throwing quarters at each other's butts,
年底把他们撵走 and throwing their house out at the end of the year.
是的 你知道 Yeah. Well, you know,
那就是为什么他们说"去威廉斯堡" that's what they say, "Go to Williamsburg."
"欢迎来到布鲁克林 "Welcome to Brooklyn
这里用鞋子评价你" 真棒 where they judge you by your shoes." It's great.
这里不是弗吉尼亚州 威廉斯堡? This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia?
我的天哪! 老兄 我错进威廉斯堡了 My God! I've been in the wrong Williamsburg for this whole time, man.
是 我没去过弗吉尼亚 但这里不是 Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia, but this is not it.
我去过 I have.
- 你去过? - 是的 - You have? - Yeah.
我和我的科学老师在一次班级旅行中去过 I went to Virginia on a class trip with my science teacher,
因为我是城市小孩 because I'm a city kid,
所以他们想让我们看看 比如 乡村 so they wanted to take us to go see, like, the country.
她知道一匹马死于牧场上的位置 And she knew where this horse had died in a field.
她想把它挖出来 让我们看看它的骨架 She wanted to dig it up so that we could see its skeleton.
但是当我们挖出来的时候 它还没有分解完 But when we dug it up, it hadn't even decomposed at all,
因为分解像是要很长一段时间 'cause that takes, like, a very long time.
并且 你知道 它的脸上有蠕虫 And, you know, it had worms on its face.
应该解雇那个老师 太恐怖了 That teacher should be put away. That's awful.
那天我们在那杀了她 We murdered her that day in that field.
暂停 这是... Stop, it's...
这是唯一的结论 这是唯一可能发生的事 That's the only conclusion. That's the only thing that could happen.
不 但是...你知道 No, but... You know,
她就像...所有的学生都跑走了 she was like... And all the children ran away.
但我留下了 我看着它的睡面 But I just stayed, and I looked at its sleeping face, you know.
- 很多故事 - 是的 - That's a lot of story. - Yeah, it is.
- 我喜欢你的衬衫 - 谢谢 - I like your shirt. - Thank you.
这件好衬衫的名字是马克斯 This nice shirt's name is Max.
嘿 这位女士的名字是多娜 Hey. This lady's name is Donna.
我汗衫的名字是布伦达 And my shirt's name is Brenda.
- 她是个大嘴巴 - 很好 - She's a loudmouth. - Great.
嗨 布伦达 嗨 多娜 Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.
似乎你向布伦达挥手更久 Seemed like you waved more at Brenda.
所以 马克斯 你今晚怎么会来这里? So, Max, how did you end up here tonight?
客户 我和一些客户一起来的 Clients. I'm here with some clients.
我在一家电脑公司上班 I work for a computer company.
我们设计了一个程序 We design a program that basically,
比如你在玩一个多人游戏 if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,
和世界各地的人一起 people all over the world,
就像你真的在现场玩一样 it's like you're actually playing it live.
所以它就像一个电话 就像你真的... So, it's like a phone call, and it's like you're really...
- 所以它就像一个电话 - 连接的 - So it's like a phone call. - Connected.
- 我玩过 很酷 - 是 是的 - I've made phone calls. That's cool. - Yeah, yeah.
想象一下 但和视频游戏一起 So imagine that, but with a video game.
就像 你接起电话 You pick up the phone, and you're like,
"嗨 电脑在吗?" "Hi, is computer there?"
"我把你连接到视频游戏"? And it's like, "I'll connect you to video game"?
对 差不多就是这样 Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah.
他们其中一个人的老婆知道这个地方 But one of their wives heard about this place.
所以我们来了 后面还有喜剧表演吗? So here we are. Is there comedy in the back?
- 有 - 没有 - Yeah. - No.
事实上 我刚主持了一场 多娜表演的 Actually, I had just hosted a show back there, and Donna performed.
- 你看了吗? - 没有 我找不到位子 - You didn't catch any? - No, I couldn't find the room.
真遗憾 That's a bummer.
- 因为她今晚很棒 - 你知道吗? 谢谢 - 'Cause she was amazing tonight. - You know what? Thank you.
她总是很棒 Like, she's always great,
但是 今晚 我想说她特别到位 but, like, tonight, I would say, she was, like, particularly on point.
- 真有趣 - 恭喜 那很酷 - Interesting. - Congrats. That's awesome.
你常表演吗? You do this a lot?
是的 是我的兴趣爱好 Yeah, it's a habit.
好的 好吧 Okay. All right.
再来一杯? 你要再来一杯吗? Another round? You want to do another round?
是 当然 Yeah. Sure.
我会试 我会试着喝 I'll try it. I'll try drinking.
好的 Okay.
- 时间正好 - 好的 好的 - Perfect timing. - Okay, okay.
好的 马上来 All right. On it.
兄弟 他很帅 He is hot, bro!
是的 他很帅 但是他太基督了 像圣诞树 Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian. He's like a Christmas tree.
所以做那上面该死的天使啊 谁介意? So be the fucking angel on top. Who gives a shit?
我不是在上面的天使 I'm not the angel on top.
我是树顶烧毁它的犹太教灯台 I'm the menorah on top of the tree that burns it down.
他们就像 And they're like,
"那个犹太教灯台必须要在我上面吗?" "Shouldn't have had that menorah on top of me."
他就像认识圣诞老人一样 He, like, knows Santa.
坐在他上面 Sit on him.
"圣诞老人 你能帮我忘掉我的记忆吗?" "Santa, can you help me forget my memories?"
是的 就是那样 你明白了 Yes, exactly. Now you get it.
我不这么认为 那不是... I don't think so. That's not...
我来自佛蒙特州的一个小城镇 I'm from a small little town in Vermont.
我的初级中学在一个谷仓里 很酷 对吧? My grammar school was in a barn. How cool is that?
很酷 That is cool.
真的吗? 真好 Right? Pretty sweet.
是谎话吗? 是真的吗? Is that a lie? Is that true?
是真的 是真的 It's a truth. It's the truth.
你能区分一个人是带的是时尚假发 Do you think that you can tell
还是一绺假发? when somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?
你带假发了吗? Do you have a wig on?
我就知道 I knew it.
在时尚假发里我还带了一绺假发 I have a wig over my toupee.
你能看出我带了一绺假发吗? Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee?
我只对了一半 I was only halfway right.
等着 你会看到我的假阴毛 Wait till you see my merkin.
哦 不 Oh, no.
操 外面好冷! Fuck, it is so cold out here!
恐怕我得给你拿个袋子 I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back.
这违法吗? Is this illegal?
我们会因此被捕吗? Can we get arrested for this?
你...你是谁? Are you... Who are you?
你以前从没在公共场所小便过吗? You've never peed in public before?
不 那不是我的作风 No. That's not me.
泳池呢? What about pools?
不 不可能 No, no way.
什么 你在泳池中小便? What, you pee in pools?
我在每个我呆过的泳池里都小过便 I've peed in every pool I've ever been in.
哦 天哪! Oh, my!
你是不是对着我的脸放屁了? Did you just fucking fart in my face?
不 No.
是的 我... Yeah. I'm...
抱歉 你还好吗? I'm sorry. Are you okay?
你在哭吗? Are you crying?
别哭 好吗? Don't cry, okay?
- 你在笑? - 谁会哭啊? - Are you laughing? - Who would cry?
你朝着我的脸放屁 You farted in my face.
我...碰巧放了 I'm... It happened.
抱歉 I'm sorry.
不可能 No fucking way.
我不会这样被雇佣 I would not hire myself in this.
再一次 你什么时候开始工作? When do you start again?
我待命 这意味着只有别的接待员生病了 I'm on call, which means that I only get to work
我才能去上班 if the other receptionist gets sick.
- 所以我们祈求禽流感? - 对 - So we're praying for bird flu? - That's right.
我的脸在镜子里看上去是世界上最蠢的 Cool, I have the dumbest mirror face in the world.
拜托 每个人都有 Please, everybody does.
不 但我看上去像一只狮子狗 No, but I look like a shih tzu.
我看上去有点像狮子狗 I look like just a little shih tzu.
你只是想说 "操" You just want to say "shit."
那不是不是真的 You know, that's not not true.
来 试试这件 Here, try this on.
谢谢你给我这件烂衣服 Thank you so much for this flammable piece of shit
它马上让我长出疹子 that's gonna give me a rash in one second.
穿上以后 就有种老妓女的体臭 And I also just activated, like, an old whore's BO.
我的胸部好疼 My boobs hurt really bad.
也许你怀孕了 Maybe you're pregnant.
嘿 这件可爱吗? Hey, is this cute?
我是说如果有颗纽扣的话 它会... I mean, if it had a button, would it be...
什么? 怎么了? What? What's wrong?
我 天哪 我怀孕了 Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.
什么? 不! 我只是在开玩笑 What? No! I was just kidding.
不 我经期迟了 我从没晚来过 No, I'm late. I'm never late.
而且我的胸超级胀超级酸痛 And my boobs are super-swollen and sore.
不 这只是...你月经快来了 No, it's just... You're getting your period.
不 我从来不胸疼 No, I'm never boob-sore.
好的 可是是压力造成的 Okay, well, maybe it's stress.
你是不是说过你发现你怀孕的 Didn't you say that when you found out you were pregnant,
一个征兆就是胸痛? the one sign was that you had boob soreness?
是的 但你和赖安已经几个月没做爱了 Yeah, but you and Ryan haven't had sex in months.
我知道 I know.
哦 天哪! Oh, my God!
你和那个尿桶做爱的时候没用避孕套? You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter?
我当然用了 Of course, I did.
我不知道 I don't know.
等等 Hold on.
是的 我记得见过避孕套 Yes, I remember seeing a condom.
我只是不知道 当时发生了什么 I just don't know, like, exactly what it did.
好的 听着 你可能没怀孕 Okay, look, you're probably not,
但我们要去买个验孕棒 but we'll go get a test.
我必须在差不多二十分钟内打包好书店的书 I have to pack up the bookstore in, like, 20 minutes.
好的 我去买验孕棒 然后和你在书店碰头 Okay, I'll go get a test, and I'll meet you at the bookstore.
- 好吗? - 好 - Okay? - Yeah.
不会有事的 我确定你没有怀孕 It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not.
不 你不确定 No, you're not.
你们在厕所里放个收音机很奇怪 It's weird that you guys keep a radio on in the bathroom.
是的 吉恩排便不通 这能帮助他 Yeah, Gene has shy bowels, and it helps him to go.
好的 我已经设好三分钟的闹铃了 Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes.
好的 Okay.
并且... And...
一条线代表没怀孕 One line is not pregnant,
加号是... and plus sign...
你被干了 You are fucked.
一条线 一条线 一条线 One line, one line, one line.
等的时候我要拉一大坨很臭的屎 Just going to take a big, stinky shit while we wait.
好极了 好时间 Perfect. Cool timing.
别盯着那根棒 Don't stare at that stick.
好的 我只是... Okay. I'll just...
你就只是小便 对吧? You're just peeing, right?
非常好 Great.
你想听我第一次去用验孕棒的故事吗? Do you want to hear the story about when I went to get my first pregnancy test?
我们住的地方距离药房只有差不多二点五英里 It was, like, 2.5 miles between where we lived and where the pharmacy was.
我不能叫我妈妈开车送我去 I couldn't ask my mom to drive me,
所以我不得不... so I had to...
如果你在收听 If you've just tuned in,
那么你在听的是多娜的大脑节目 you're listening to the Donna's Brain Show,
这就是大脑的声音 and I'm the voice of the brain.
今天 我在思考一个白痴的问题 Today, I'm sitting down with the idiot in question
有个人 她在被甩和失业后 最近... who, after being dumped and losing her job, recently had...
抱歉 Excuse me.
可能和一个陌生人发生了不安全的性行为 May have had unprotected sex with a stranger.
我脱不掉你的上衣 I can't get your blouse off.
我是不是漏掉了什么 Did I leave anything out?
我们用安全套了 We used a condom.
好吧 当我没说 Okay, well, that's not what I heard.
我们来打开！ Let's do this!
小心像剃刀般锋利的齿边 Note the razor sharp teeth.
我们应该用我们的手来弄的 We should have been using our hands.
不 不可能的 No. No way.
是的 Yes!
我可不懂摔跤的啊 I don't know any wrestles.
你知道吗 这是五秒规则 五秒规则 Did you find it? It's a five second rule. Five second rule.
少来 我更觉得像是... Come on. I think that it was more like...
给你 先生 一个安全套 Here you are, sir. One condom.
或许说可能你回忆不起来了呢 Might it be correct to say that you cannot recall?
我现在是有点头晕 I'm getting a little dizzy.
你头晕是因为你在用你的阴道玩俄罗斯转盘 Well, you're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina.
你知道霍克霍肯的名字是特里吗 Did you know that Hulk Hogan's name is Terry?
时间到了 It's time.
哦 天啊 你的表情 Oh, God, your face.
哦 天啊 好想吐 Oh, my God, barf rush.
我这是不是孕妇晨吐反应啊 Do I have morning sickness?
不 那也许只是心理压力过大导致的 No, that's probably just psychosomatic.
好吧 盒子里有两根验孕棒 我们再试另一根 Okay, there's two tests in the box.Let's take another one.
- 抱歉 我要吐了 - 好吧 - I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up.- Okay.
- 有人做噩梦了吗 - 哦 天啊 爸爸 - Did somebody have a bad dream?- Oh, God, Dad!
那个东西真是该死的吓人 That thing is freakin'so frightening.
我想我确实吓人 I guess I am.
来吧 给我们一个...一个吻吧 Come on, give us a...Come on, give us a kiss.
我爱你 我爱你 I love you. I love you.
吻你自己吧 Kiss yourself.
这里像是有一百度的样子 It's, like, 100 degrees in here.
木偶在高温中表现是最佳的 Puppets work best in heat.
多 谢谢你等我 Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting.
我叫多娜 It's Donna.
抱歉 我准是漏掉了"娜" I'm so sorry.Must have missed the "na."
我的眼镜哪去了? Where are my glasses?
这里 Here.
谢谢 多娜 Thank you, Donna.
你的检测是呈阳性 你确实是怀孕了 Your test came back positive,and you are indeed pregnant.
妈的 Fuck!
抱歉我骂脏话了 Sorry for cursing.
没关系 我听多了 That's all right. I've heard it all.
那么 我们来谈谈你的选择吧 So, let's talk about your options.
我想要堕胎 I would like an abortion, please.
那听起来很麻木不仁 但我不太确定 That sounds very insensitive.I'm not sure.
听起来像在打包车道订餐似的那么简单 Sounds like I was ordering at a drive-through,
但我就想要堕胎 求你了 but I would like an abortion, please.
这件事情上你加入了这么多考虑那是很重要的 It's important that you've put a lot of thought into this,
这个决定权完全在你手上 and that this decision is entirely yours.
我也要把人流术 I'd also like to
以及其他选择权等各方面的信息 provide you with all the information you need about abortion
告诉你 as well as other options.
好的 Yeah.
我已经考虑过了 I have thought about it,
而且这是我必须要做的 and this is what I need to do.
好的 Okay.
那么 从你上次例假的第一天推算 So, based on the first day of your last period,
你大概是怀孕三周 还算是很早期的了 you're about three weeks along,which is pretty early.
但事实上 现在太早了不好做流产 In fact, it's too early to get the procedure done with us.
好的 Okay.
那就意味着你还得等等 It means you need to wait.
那我预约从今天算起的两周后 I'd like to set the appointment for two weeks from today.
那就是在14号了 That'll put it on the 14th.
- 2月14号吗? - 是的 - February 14th?- Yeah.
哦 天啊 Oh, my!
我想我们可以在那天之后动手术 I guess we could do it the day after.
那天是我妈妈生日 That's my mom's birthday.
堕个胎都不能安排好 Can't even get an abortion right.
我想你也不会想等太久的 I'm guessing you wouldn't want to wait too much longer.
是的 那我们就定在... No, let's have it...
我们就定在情人节那天吧 Let's do it on Valentine's Day.
你出去的时候把这张卡给前台 Give this card to the receptionist on your way out,
她会帮你排时间的 and she'll schedule you.
好的 Okay.
我可以问一下 I should probably ask.
这大概要花多少钱呢? How much does this cost?
一个临床手术大概是五百美金 An in-clinic procedure costs about $500.
真的吗? Really?
抱歉 Sorry.
那几乎是我所有的房租费了 That's, like, my whole rent almost.
那是已经包含了免疫缺损病毒 But the cost also covers an HIV test
和性传播疾病的检测费用了 as well as STD testing.
你有保险吗? Do you have insurance?
好吧 若是你没有保险 Well, if not,
我们可以提供经济援助如果你条件符合的话 we can provide financial assistance if you qualify.
- 你有医疗补助吗 - 没有 - Do you have Medicaid?- No.
有没有朋友或是家人可以帮一下呢? Any friends or family that can help?
好吧 磁带用完了 Okay, I'm out of tape now.
喂 小女士 还有磁带吗 Hey, little lady,is there any more tape?
有的 Yeah.
在浴室里的架子顶上 Yes, there is tape in the bathroom on the top shelf.
我的第一是收到惊吓尖叫 I did the first scream for screaming,
而我的第二声尖叫是被自己声音吓到 and then the second scream I had from scaring myself from the first scream.
我看出来了 Yeah, I saw that.
- 我现在进来了 可以吗 -好的 - I'm gonna come in now, okay? - Yeah.
你在这干什么呢 What are you doing here?
你说你在这工作 所以... You said you worked here, so...
没错 Sure.
"荒野侦探" 这是本很棒的书 The Savage Detectives.This book is amazing.
你要的话算你99美分 Well, it can be yours for 99 cents.
我刚刚在那边经过一个墨西哥快餐车 Hey, I just passed a Mexican food truck on the way over here.
你要去尝一下吗 Do you wanna go get a bite?
我们以前去闲逛的时候 你说过... When we hung out before, you said...
你说过你能用嘴和一个墨西哥卷饼进行口交 You said that you could mouth fuck the shit out of a burrito.
哦 该死的 God damn it.
- 是的 - 好吧 - Yeah.- Okay.
还有 你记得在大街上小便的事吗? Also, do you remember urinating in the street?
还有别的东西 Among other things.
什么? What?
- 那是个重大的进展 - 好吧 - That was the main move.- All right.
如果你有时间的话 要休息一会吗 If you have time,take a little break?
呃 我不能让店里无人看守了 Well, I can't leave the store unmanned, un-womaned.
当然 必须的 好的 Of course, sure. Yeah.Yeah.
好的 All right.
那么... Well...
我会在恰当的时间来约你的 I'd love to take you out sometime on a proper date.
好吧 事情是这样的 Well, here's the thing,
这个店快要倒闭了 现在是困难时期 is that the store is closing down,and it's a hard time,
而且可能要持续很久 and it's gonna take forever,
我还要把所有的书都放到箱子里 and I have to put all the books in the boxes.
我一本书都没开始整理 None of them are in the boxes.
现在在箱子里的只有我 而我又不是书 I'm the only thing in a box,and I'm not a book.
- 所以还不行 - 好的 - Not yet.- Okay.
确实 Totally.
别太担心 Yeah, don't worry about it.
好吧 我不知道我刚才在想什么 Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
这本书我已经有过了 I have a copy of this already.
那么 希望你好运 Well, good luck with the closing.
谢谢 也祝你好运 Thanks. You, too.
我不敢相信他竟然进店里来了 那是个暗示 I can't believe he walked into the store. That's a sign.
那个暗示似乎是说... And that would be a sign saying...
我就像是盒子里的礼物 Like, that I'm a present in a box,
然后他和我应该一起开始我们美好的生活 and that he and I should go and start our beautiful life together.
你知道的 我不是那么直接的一个人... You know, I'm not a straight guy...
是吗? What?
...我想他们大部分人都讨厌那种礼物 ...but my guess is that most of them would hate that gift.
什么 你的意思是 What? You're saying
男人不需要一个在箱子里喝醉 that a guy doesn't want a drunk,
并且怀了孕的女人吗 pregnant girl in a box?
如果你是一个连环杀手的话 If you're a serial killer.
也许你会告诉他的 Maybe you wanna tell him.
不 为什么啊? No. Why? Why?
你什么都不欠他的 你甚至都不认识这个男人 You don't owe him anything.You don't even know this guy.
也许他只配知道类似于 你怀孕这件事情 Maybe he just deserves to know that, like, this happened.
我又不是神经病 That I'm not psycho,
而且我准备要去做流产手术了 and I'm going to get an abortion.
你知道吗 如果我让别人怀孕了 You know, if I got someone pregnant,
我会想知道的 I would wanna know.
如果你让别人怀孕了 我也会想知道的 If you got someone pregnant,I would also want to know.
也许每家报社都想知道吧 Probably every newspaper would want to know,
因为突然间 某人的嘴会怀孕 'cause all of a sudden,some dude's mouth would be pregnant.
天啊 你们这俩个家伙 My God, you guys,
别再说这些疯狂的笑话了 stop it with the crazy jokes.
你为什么会在意他要不要知道些什么呢 Why do you care what he needs to know or not?
你是要做手术那个人 你付钱 You are the one who has to get this procedure, pay for it,
然后垫上那个该死的卫生巾吧 好吗 wear the fucking pad with the big wings, okay?
你觉得如果是他怀孕了 他现在会担心你吗? You think if he was pregnant, he would be worrying about you right now?
不会的 他会想办法 No, he'd be trying
把那个该死的东西从他身体里弄出来的 to get that fucking thing out of his body.
该死的 知道吗 God damn it! You guys,
我们已经生活在一个男权社会 we already live in a patriarchal society
奇怪的白种人通过立法来限制我们的阴道 where a bunch of weird old white men in robes get to legislate our cunts.
你只需要担心你自己就够了 You just need to be worrying about yourself.
你们为什么那样看着我 你们这俩个小贱人 And why are you looking at me like that, you little bitches?
你所说的一切都有道理 但我还是吓尿了 Everything you're saying is valid,but you are scaring my dick off.
不管怎样 如果你本能的想要告诉他 Anyway, if your gut is to tell him,I say do it,
因为他看起来不错 because he seems sweet.
我现在精疲力尽了 I'm exhausted now.
- 疼吗 -什么会疼? - Does it hurt?- Does what hurt?
要知道 只有你自己知道你的阴道会不会疼 You know, only you would know if your vagina hurts or not.
好吧 那么堕胎会疼吗? Okay. Does having an abortion hurt?
不会 也许那之后会痛经 No, except for some cramps afterwards,
但感觉和来月经没什么两样 but they feel just like period cramps.
我是要一刀一剪的挨过去吗 Just take me through it snip-by-snip.
首先 不会有剪剪切切这些 Okay, first of all,there is no snips,
准确的说整个过程也许就用5分钟 and the whole thing literally takes, like, five minutes.
那真是太棒了 That's amazing.
你甚至都不用调整你的时间安排 You don't even have to clear your schedge.
不 你仍然需要一整天的时间 No, you still need the whole day.
因为他们会和你谈上一会 Because they talk to you for a while.
你没必要去调整你的时间安排 Well, you don't have to clear your schedge,
因为你也没什么安排 'cause there's nothing on it.
你有多常去想起这个 How often do you think about it?
有时候吧 偶尔 I think about it sometimes.Once in a while.
我会对我青少年时代感到抱歉 And then I get really sad for my little teenage self.
但我并不后悔 But I never regret it.
那你告诉你妈妈了吗? And did you ever tell your mom?
没有 她以为我那时在曲棍球场 No, she thought I was at field hockey.
- 你是守门员吗 - 当然 我是守门员啊 - Were you the goalie?- Of course I was the goalie.
我很高兴你在这 I'm glad you're here.
你怎么这么一惊一乍的啊 You're so jumpy.
你就像个艾琳菲舍忍者 You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja.
我想要和你继续讨论你的未来 I wanted to continue our discussion about your future.
好吧 我也有些事情想要和你说 Okay, well, I have something that I would like to talk to you about as well.
- 我先说吧 - 好的 - I'd like to go first.- Great.
我昨晚睡不着 I couldn't sleep last night.
所以我把你的花销 So I made a spreadsheet
工作机会和各种我认为你应该要 of all of your expenses,
关注的事情做成了一个表格 job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks that I think you should focus on.
呃 你没必要那么做 Okay, well, you didn't need to do that.
别废话 No shit.
我现在有个学生在办公室 I have a student in my office right now,
而且我还要让个学生来帮我送点东西 and I have one about to deliver something.
我们过后再谈 好吗 So, we'll do it afterwards, all right?
你能去查看一下邮箱吗? And could you please go through the mail?
我还拿着你的学生贷款呢 I'm still getting your student loan crap.
门开着呢 It's open.
你好 Hello.
他妈的开什么玩笑呢 Are you fucking kidding me?
妈的 Fuck!
不好意思 我只是... I'm sorry. I just...
我没有在跟踪你 我不是... I'm not stalking you. This isn't a...
哦 天啊 Oh, my God.
斯特恩教授 我是来找斯特恩教授的 Professor Stern. I'm just...I'm looking for Professor Stern.
她是我妈妈 Yeah. She's my mom.
- 她是你妈妈 -是的 - She's your mom? - Yeah.
她是个天才 She's a genius.
好吧 严格说来 Okay, seriously though,
她是我在商学院里遇到过的最好的教授 she's, like,the best professor I had in business school.
我看出来你又要翻白眼了 I see you about to roll your eyes again,all right?
是吗 但我说的是事实 But that's that truth.
她在我胸中放了把火 She lit a fire in my belly.
呃 那叫腹泻 Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.
抱歉 你刚刚就像给了我一个小礼物 I'm sorry, but you just handed that one to me like a little present.
是的 毕竟我们之前在一起过 Yeah, you know,we've hung out before.
不管怎样 你妈妈几个月前借了这本书给我 Anyway, your mother lent me this book a couple of months ago,
我就想把书还给她 所以... and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so...
谢谢你 Thank you.
拜托 Come on.
你在嘲笑我的鞋吗? You made fun of my shoes?
那是我妈妈的鞋 These are my mom's.
你要试一下吗? Do you wanna try them on?
不 No.
好吧 那 我试一试 All right, yeah, I would.
太不可思议了 That's amazing.
我是不吸毒的 I don't do hard drugs,
但我能想象这应该就像是 but I imagine this is what it feels like
注射了海洛因后的感觉吧 to shoot heroin.
是的 鞋子很软 Yeah, they're so soft.
它们就像是用天使乳房的皮肤做成的 They're made out of,like, angel's titty skins.
是的 她这么说过 那么... Yeah, and then she said that, so...
还给你吧 There you go.
那么... So...
抱歉 你要去吃点什么吗? Sorry, do you wanna go get some food or something?
你们可以点餐了吗? Are you two ready to order?
你知道吗 实际上 我还没... You know what? Actually, I haven't had...
可以了 Yes. Yes, yes.
我们每人要一份烤鸡意大利宽面 We'll each have the chicken piccata over linguine, please.
好的 你的最爱 Of course. Your favorite.
谢谢 Thank you.
你真是个不折不扣的常客啊 You are a serious regular.
这就像是一个我能穿上我的尿布 It's, like, the one place
并且感觉到很好融入的好地方 where I can go and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in.
明白 Got it.
而且我通常不会为和我一起来餐馆的人点餐 I also don't normally order for the person that I'm with at a restaurant,
这个地方最有名的菜就是烤鸡肉了 but the chicken piccata is the best that this place has to offer.
它就像是宝石那般高级 It's the gem.
而且是皇冠上宝石的级别 It's the crown jewel.
你一定得尝一尝 You got to have it.
再也没有什么比热面包配黄油更好的了 Well, there is nothing better than some hot bread and butter.
是的 Yeah.
给你 Here you go.
你是在为我暖黄油吗 Did you just warm this butter up for me?
是的 Yeah.
真是太好了 That's really nice.
那不过是你所做的 That's just what you do.
马克斯 有些事情我想要告诉你 Max, I have something I wanna tell you.
什么事? What's up?
我得去趟卫生间 I have to go to the bathroom.
好的 Great.
我刚刚去过那 是吧 I kind of walked into that one, huh?
没错 Indeed.
你不是穿着尿布的吗? Aren't you wearing a diaper?
是的 可我不打算把它浪费在尿尿上 Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it on a number one.
好吧 Okay.
尿布是要用在承受更重的东西上的 Diaper is for the heavy lifting.
嘿 马克斯 你记得我们做过爱吧 Hey, Max, remember from before when we did sex to each other?
马克斯 我爱你 我要打掉你的孩子 Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion.
来点甜点吗? Do you wanna share a dessert?
就这样 就这么说 很好 很好 Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect.
- 嘿 - 嘿 - Hey. - Hello.
看到那对夫妻了吗? Do you see this couple?
嗯 Yeah.
难以想象 They're incredible.
你不在的这段时间里 她一直在给他读菜单 The entire time you were gone, she has been reading off the menu to him,
他每指着一样 她就告诉他是什么 and he points at a new item, and she just tells him what it is.
可能他喜欢听 自己爱吃的东西被念出来吧 Maybe he just likes to hear his favorite things read out loud.
我也这么觉得 That's what I thought.
我喜欢这样的夫妻 I just love couples like this.
说真的 It's not a line.
我很想当爷爷 But I can't wait to be a grandpa.
天 好吧 Man, yeah.
吃这么多面包 还吃得下鸡肉吗? Really hitting that bread. You're gonna have room for that piccata?
- 两块 - 好吧 - Two. - Yeah? Okay.
最近有表演吗? You got any shows coming up?
有 明晚就有一场 I do. I have one tomorrow night actually.
- 太好了 - 嗯 - Awesome. - Yeah.
- 哪里? - 老地方 一直都在那儿 - Where? - Same place. Always same place.
不错 不错 Cool. Cool.
我能去吗 Can I come?
- 屎 屎! 屎! - 那不必了 不必了 - Shit. Shit! Shit! - I don't have to. I don't have to.
不 不 不 你踩到屎了 No, no, no. You stepped in shit.
- 什么 - 屎! - What? - Shit!
不会吧 Come on!
- 我只有这一双鞋 - 对 对 我知道 - These are my only shoes. - Yeah, yeah, I know.
这下好了 你刚要... This is great. You're just...
不 我只是 No, no. I'm just...
- 还好是... 好吧 I'm glad it's... Yeah.
- 我刚要 就是... I'm just, you know, just trying to get...
你就踩上去了 You stamped right down on the doodie.
好吧 Okay!
好了 All right.
- 笑够了吧 - 嗯 - You almost got it out? - Yeah.
- 好了吧? You're almost cleared?
嗯 好了 Yep. Okay. All right.
我得回去漂白一下 明天见 Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow.
- 好 - 晚安 - Okay. - Good night.
-你是腿瘸了吗? - 我可不想弄到裤子上 -Are you limping? - I don't wanna get it on my pants.
对 我爸是个特有趣的人 Yeah. My father was, like, a funny dude, man, my father.
所以我才做了喜剧吧 I think he's the reason why I do comedy.
他就像比尔考斯比和理查德普莱尔的合体 He's like a cross between Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.
说他像考斯比是因为他在房子里藏零食 He was Cosby, like, in that he'd hide snacks around the house.
像理查德普莱尔 And he was like Richard Pryor
是因为他加热吸食可卡因 in that he freebased cocaine.
有苏打水吗 Can I get a seltzer?
嘿 What's up?
你就像只受惊的小猫 You're a jumpy little kitty.
我什么时候上场 When do I go on?
我正要和你说 It's what I wanted to talk to you about.
我们得早点结束 还有一场八十年代舞会 We're gonna have to end early, set up for an '80s dance party.
不 就给我五分钟行吗? 只要五分钟 No. Can you just let me get five minutes? I just wanna do five minutes.
还讲分手的事? You still doing that break-up material?
只是表演 说说我的生活 所以... I'm just doing my comedy, which is just talking about my life, so...
别看我写的 Don't look at my shit while I'm writing it down, man.
什么? 不 挺有趣的 What? No, that's funny.
我那个卖酒的也对我指指点点 I think my bodega man judges me, too.
真的 Yeah.
在洛杉矶怎么样? How was Los Angeles?
转移得不错 Nice deflection.
对 我是在洛杉矶待了三周 太烂了 Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks, three shitty weeks.
什么鬼地方 I fucking hate that place.
开着辆金色起亚车到处跑 没别的车 Running around, driving a gold Kia. That's all they had.
一团糟... Well, there was a screw-up...
开辆金色的起亚? Had to drive a gold Kia?
我没有挑金色起亚 I did not pick out a gold Kia.
我是要挑青灰色的... I would pick out a pewter Kia,
灰褐色... 黄褐色 taupe, tasmine,
就是灰褐色加淡黄色 which is combo of taupe and jasmine.
不过试播季我就要搬到那儿 But it now looks like I will be moving out there for pilot season.
- 真的吗 - 对 - Really? - Yeah.
试播片卖出去了 I sold a pilot.
真的吗? 祝贺 Hello. Congrats.
对 咱们换个地方吧 Yeah, but let's get out of here.
真的 不 多娜 听我说 Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me.
我最近给一个富翁朋友看房 I'm house sitting for this crazy rich friend of mine.
超有钱 I mean crazy rich.
房子特豪华 特大 It's awesome. It's huge.
那些设施都是有钱人看的杂志背面上的 All modern like the stuff when you read in the back of the rich people's magazines
在机场能看到他们的杂志 that they have at the airport.
天 我不知道 Man, I don't know.
多娜 你好久没出去过了 Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.
走吧 肯定超棒 Let's go. It'll be mad nice.
咱俩组团 就像以前那样 We'll get a crew together. It'll be like the old times.
九七年后的说唱乐团你喜欢哪个 What rap group from 1997 are you in?
胡迪尼 Whodini.
不 是两种风格融合 No, it was two different kinds of mustard.
天啊 太冷了 那边走 Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here. There we go.
- 不! 我错过了? - 对 - No, did I miss it? - Yeah.
太抱歉了 I'm so sorry.
工作太忙了 我三小时前就想走的 Work was hectic. I was trying to leave three hours ago.
没关系 That's okay.
但我现在得走了 I'm actually leaving now, though.
要和一个做喜剧的人出去 I'm gonna go hang out with some comedians.
- 你来不来? - 好 等一下 - You coming or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.
你也能来 不过挺无聊的 I mean, you can come, but I just think it might be boring
而且很压抑 or actually very depressing probably.
只有你们俩? Is it just the two of you?
不是你想的那样 It's not like that.
看起来就是那样 That's what it looks like.
嗯 谢谢你来布鲁克林 其实你不必的 Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn, but you didn't have to.
你邀请我的 You invited me.
嗯 其实我们并没有定具体计划 Well, I didn't think that we made, like, concrete plans.
喂 司机要发火了 Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled.
好 马上 我得走了 抱歉 Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry.
我也是 Me, too.
好好玩 Have fun.
这是真事儿 我的治疗师 My therapist, this is for real,
把我们的表演当做戏剧 真的 refers to standup as plays. I'm serious.
比如 "昨天演出怎么样啊" Like, "You did a play last night. How was your play?
"演得怎么样 不错吗" "How was your play? Was it good?"
你的治疗师是你外婆吗 Is your therapist your nana?
不 其实你外婆 No, she's your nana actually.
- 我外婆! - 所以我才找她 - Nana! - That's why I go to her.
好吧 Yeah.
- 多米尼加人 是吗? - 对 - Dominican woman, right? - Right.
对 声音饱满 超喜欢玛丽 Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan.
对 不 你把我家底都摸清了 Yeah. No, you've definitely, yeah, nailed down my lineage.
好吧 All right, well...
嘿 我们以前怎么从没像今天这样? Hey, how come we've never done this before?
因为几年前我拒绝你了 你对我就没好过 Because a few years ago, I rejected you, and you've been the worst to me ever since.
干杯 So cheers.
好 Right.
靠 妈的 Shit. Fuck!
我带了去污渍的 真的 I have a stain stick. I really do.
那都是化学药剂 这是酒 我得泡一下 That's all chemicals. This is wine. I got to soak it.
不是吧 What?
不是这件就是那件松松垮垮的运动衫 It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt.
怎么不挑那件 Then why didn't you choose the baggy sweatshirt?
想让自己看着还不错 'Cause I wanted to look nice for you.
天啊 Oh, my God.
没法和你说话了 It's gonna be very hard to have a conversation with you
要是你穿着这件女式背心 while you're wearing that ladies' camisole.
那我来说 Well, then I'll do all the talking.
咱们说到哪了 What were we talking about?
不记得了 你亮瞎我的眼了 I don't know. You just erased my mind.
分手 Break-ups.
对 Yeah.
我最近也不好 I just recently went through a pretty bad one.
- 她劈腿了? - 比这还遭 - She cheated on you? - Worse.
有什么比劈腿还糟的 想想看 What's worse than getting cheated on? Think about it.
我不明白一个人 I mean, I don't understand how a person
口口声声说爱你 表现得也爱你 who can claim that they love you, act like they love you,
有承诺 有行动 say it in words, say it in action,
就是这样的人却告诉你 can then turn around in that same breath and tell you
她们不肛交 that they don't do anal.
天啊 老天 For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.
怎么了 我开玩笑呢 What? I was kidding.
你要走了? Are you leaving?
对 我是要走 Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.
我开玩笑的 I was kidding.
她当然肛交了 Of course she did anal.
白痴 You're an idiot.
不 她是希腊正教会教徒 No, she was Greek Catholic.
你知道她们什么样的 You know how they are.
我不在乎什么肛交 破阁楼... I don't care about the anal or your stupid loft or any...
我竟然还在这待了这么久 I can't even believe I've made it this deep into this experience.
我觉得你该在这儿过夜 You know what I think, is that you should stay the night here,
我们聊天然后做些其他事 and we can keep talking and work some stuff out.
多娜 别这样 你还没看淋浴呢 Donna, come on. You didn't even see the shower.
多娜 好吧 我要打飞机了 你看不到了 Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off. You're missing it.
是我 多娜 Hi, it's Donna.
今晚我真的很抱歉 真的 I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm really, really sorry.
我真不应该... I never should have just...
我看到你很紧张 很吃惊 I saw you, and I got very nervous. I got taken by surprise.
我有话对你说 I have something that I wanna talk to you about,
我一直都想要和你说 and I've been meaning to talk to you.
我不想在语音信箱里留言 And I don't wanna leave it on your voicemail.
能给我回拨电话吗 So, will you call me back, please?
谢谢 拜拜 Thank you. Bye-bye.
先生 能返回去曼哈顿吗 Sir, can you turn around and go to Manhattan, please?
你说的是布鲁克林 You said Brooklyn.
我改变主意了 I changed my mind.
嗨 Hi.
不舒服吗 Are you sick?
几点了 What time is it?
可能午夜了吧 I think probably midnight.
怎么了 发生什么了 What's wrong? What going on?
妈 我能和你一起睡吗 Mom, can I come in bed with you?
好的 Yeah.
怎么了 宝贝 What's the matter, sweetie?
告诉我 Talk to me.
我怀孕了 而且要流产 I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion.
谢天谢地 Thank God.
我还以为你要搬来洛杉矶呢 I thought you were gonna tell me you were moving to LA.
什么? 不 What? No.
天 我好害怕告诉你 God. I was so scared to tell you.
宝贝 我知道咱们最近有些矛盾 Sweetheart, I know that we haven't been getting along lately,
但不管怎样你都能找我倾诉的 but you should never be afraid to talk to me.
我... I was...
我害怕你会生气 很失望 I was scared that you'd be very angry and very disappointed.
都没有 Well, I'm neither.
听我说 我竟然从没说过 Look, I can't believe I never told you this,
我读大学时流过产 but when I was in college, I had an abortion.
- 爸爸的吗? - 不 不是他的 - Dad's? - No. God. Not your father's.
不 是我大学男友罗伯特的 No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert.
那时流产还是违法的 And abortions were illegal in those days,
你外婆开着旅行轿车带着我 so your grandma had to drive me in the family station wagon
一直开到新泽西 all the way to New Jersey.
我们去了一个陌生的公寓 And we had to go to some stranger's apartment.
我在那儿醒来时 还有十二个女的 When I got up there, there was 12 other women
呆坐在那儿 just sitting there in some kind of stupor.
他们把我放上案桌 And they put me up on the kitchen table,
给我打了麻醉针 they gave me some kind of shot to put me out,
就这样 and that was that.
第二天晚上 Next night,
我就在你阿姨的十六岁聚会上跳舞了 I was dancing at your aunt's sweet 16 party.
你从来没说过 I didn't know that.
你知道吗 我那天翻旧报纸时 You know, I was going through some old papers,
发现一本书 and I found this book the other day
是你十一岁时写的 that you had written when you were 11 years old.
- 我写书了? - 对啊 你不记得了吗? - I wrote a book? - Yes, you don't remember?
是写给我的 You wrote it to me.
每周你从营里寄一章给我 You sent me a chapter every week from camp.
是讲一个叫温克思的侦探姑娘的 It was about this little girl detective named Winks.
她有痉挛 She had a twitch.
我是有本书要给你的 I have a book for you actually
你的一个学生带过来的 that one of your students dropped it off,
突然想起来 忘记给你了 and somehow it slipped my mind. I forgot to give it to you.
马克斯布朗 Max Brown.
老师都喜欢他吗 Is he, like, a teacher's pet?
还是他夸你的羊驼毛衣了? Did he compliment you on your alpaca sweater?
他其实是很好的学生 文笔也不错 Actually, he's a very good student and a pretty good writer, too.
奇怪 你问马克斯干嘛 Interesting. Why are you asking about Max?
没什么 There's no reason.
他不是你的菜 Because he's not your type.
好吧 那我喜欢什么样的? Okay, what is my type?
- 有味儿的? - 妈! - Smelly. - Mom!
赖安不用防汗的除臭剂 Ryan didn't wear deodorants with antiperspirant in them,
是因为他不想得老年痴呆 because he was afraid of Alzheimer's.
好吧 我宁愿忘了自己闻着跟垃圾似的 Right. I would rather not remember smelling like garbage
也不想一辈子都记着自己有味儿 than remember that I'd been stinking my entire life.
好吧 那么说很有意思 Yeah, okay, that was, like, a very funny observation.
- 谢谢 - 你讲了个完整的笑话 - Thank you. - You made a full joke.
该死 我以为能用212的号糊弄你 Darn it. I thought I would fool you with my 212 number.
嗨 又是我 Hello, it's me again, calling you again.
我不记得上次是什么时候在语音里留号码了 I can't remember the last time I left a number in my own speaking voice, so...
不管了 是这样 Anyway, here it is.
我在店里待到五点 I am gonna be at the store until 5:00
大概八点半表演 and then maybe attempting
让大家开心 to make people laugh around 8:30.
可能的话你可以过来看 You should stop by if you feel like it.
我保证这次不会跟陌生人走了 I promise I won't leave with a stranger
除非那个人是你 unless that stranger is you.
拜 Goodbye.
人们说约会时要做自己 They say to be yourself on dates,
不过我觉得对我来说不适用 but I actually think that's horrible advice from my experience.
没人想谈珍妮弗达默其实很帅 No one wants to talk about how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot.
或者 我讨厌被人说不喜欢我这种类型的 Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type.
你肯定能秒杀全场 You are gonna kill it out there.
明天是要去杀一个人的 抱歉 I actually have an appointment to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry.
天 好吧 Boy. Okay.
- 想喝什么 - 苏打水 - What do you want to drink? - Seltzer, please.
一个苏打水 One seltzer.
我等不及要把下面这位演员请上来了 I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now,
现在我要请出下一个演讲 I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now,
因为我觉得她身上每一点都酷极了 because I think everything about her is fucking cool.
相信你们一定会赞同我的 And I think that you guys are definitely going to agree with me on this.
她性感如火又非常出色 She is hot as shit and brilliant.
有请多娜斯特恩 Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern.
你们喜欢我的歌声吗? You guys like my singing voice?
我刚刚打嗝时唱了一段 因为我是个成年女性 I just burped into this because I'm an adult woman.
我很喜欢做一个成年女性 I do like being an adult woman.
我一直很想这样... I've always wanted to be that...
想要一个胸罩 一件宽松上衣 I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra, and a blouse,
还有日程表 and a schedule.
比如说我在家里 然后叫道 Like, where I could just, like, be in my house and just be like,
"我的天 我要迟到了" 你们懂吗 "Oh, my God, I'm running late," you know? Like...
我一直很想用车载电话 然后说 I've always wanted to be able to be on the car phone and be like,
"没问题 苏珊 "Okay, Susan, will do.
"什么 好的 那就这样 之后联系" "What? Okay. All right. Talk soon."
然后挂电话之后就把这问题完全抛在脑后 And then just hang up and not worry about, you know,
为什么卫生间有股怪味道的问题 why the bathroom smells in a weird way.
但我不是来讨论车载电话的 But I'm not here to talk about car phones.
我今晚来这是有个非常不寻常的任务的 I came here tonight on a very different mission.
那就是 And that is
我要说的是... to say to you that...
抱歉 Sorry.
我要说的是 Which is to say to you
我怀孕了 that I am pregnant.
好的 没事 我就试试水 现在这事说出来了 Okay, all right, testing the waters. I dropped that one down.
现在我要说的第二个事 The second thing that I would like to say right now, out loud,
我要大声得说出来 and I'm gonna say it out loud right now.
大声得 现在... 我没事 大家都很好 Out loud, right now... I'm fine. Everything's fine.
我就大声地顺便说下去了现在 Just rolling along with this, out loud, right now.
那就是 我要堕胎了... Is that I am going to have an abortion...
好的 深呼吸 Okay, okay, keep breathing.
就在明天 还是情人节呢 ...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day.
我们就此进入正题 So, we'll start from there.
我相信你们都在想这是怎么发生的吧 I'm sure you're wondering how this happened.
我想将这称为 被一个很好的人 A little thing I like to call getting banged out in the middle of the night,
在一个激情之夜里上了 the heat, heat, heat of the night, by a very nice person
那人我还不怎么认识 that I don't know very well at all.
他是个陌生人 但是是个好人 I don't know. He was a stranger, but a nice one.
可能是现在外面最好的陌生人了 Probably the best of all the strangers that are out there.
当然你们已经不再是陌生人了 And of course you guys aren't strangers anymore
因为现在你们已经在我生活里有了很大地位了 because now you're a part of my life in a big way.
不知道你们是否发现 So I don't know if you've gleaned that
我可能还没准备好做妈妈 maybe I'm not ready to be a mom.
你们肯定回想 "废话 你当然没准备" You're like, "No shit. You are not ready to be a mom."
所以我决定要堕胎 And so I decided to get the abortion,
但我真的很喜欢孕妇们 but I really do love pregnant ladies,
而且做妈妈还会有很多有趣的事 and there's lots of things about being a mom that seem fun,
但对我来说就是我不能叫别人去关电视了 but for me it's just like I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV.
同样的 我也不能关电视了 Equaling I can't shut off the TV.
我当时决定告诉我母亲 I decided to tell my mom, and I thought she was gonna like,
我以为她会超级不开心的 you know, be super upset,
然后对我发火 或者说 and, like, set me on fire and be like,
"你再也别回犹太教堂了" "You can never come back to the synagogue."
不过能让我再也别去犹太教堂 这只个美梦 Which is also kind of a fantasy that I'd never have to go back to the synagogue.
那儿太无聊了 人们的呼吸声很吓人 So boring. Everyone's breath is horrible there.
但相反的 But instead,
她如释重负 she was very relieved,
结果她还告诉我 and she actually ended up telling me
她在六十年代也堕过胎 that she herself had gotten an abortion in the '60s.
这太不可思议了 Which is pretty amazing
因为那时候堕胎手术很难做 because the bushes were so big then,
你们懂的 他们得 好好找找 that, you know, they must have really, you know, really had to hunt for it.
我之所以能这样说 因为当你堕过胎之后 And I can say that because, you know, once you get an abortion,
你能看出来谁堕过胎 you can reveal who else has had them.
我决定我也要做这样的女人 I decided to be on the list of the very many women that have done this.
明天就是情人节了 老实说 Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I can honestly say
明天才不是我过过最烂的情人节 it's not going to be the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had.
一切都会变好的 It's gonna be okay because
因为我知道我不是一个人 I know that I'm not alone.
我现在在这 你们也在这 I'm totally here. You guys are here.
你们明天都得和我一起去 You're all gonna come with me tomorrow.
但这会... But it's going to be...
我知道一切都会好的 I think it's going to be okay.
之后 我会自己掌握我的未来 And afterwards, I'll just be in my future.
然后 从明天出发 是吗? And, you know, we'll go from there, right?
我想是的 I guess so.
就这样了 That's really it.
大家今晚都对我很宽容 You guys have been very generous to me tonight,
我也很开心 and I've really enjoyed myself.
谢谢大家 还有情人节快乐 So, thank you and happy V-Day.
希望你们都能收到你们想要的并应得的礼物 Hope you get all the candy that you want and deserve.
就这样 谢谢 That's it. Thank you.
早安 宝贝 Morning, sunshine.
你昨晚太棒了 You were so incredible last night.
他走了 He left.
我是说你的节目 I was talking about your set.
谢谢 Thanks.
你肚子怎么样了 你要喝吗? How's your stomach? You want this?
不 不用了 我就喝这个 No, I don't. I just want this.
准备好了吗? Are you ready?
准备好了 I'm ready.
多谢 我们就在外面等你 Okay, thank you very much. We are outside.
五分钟 Five minutes.
坐火车吧 Let's just take the train.
不 我们要堕出腔调来 No, we're aborting in style.
我好冷 I'm so cold!
冷死了 Freezing.
你有听说过在珠穆朗玛峰上 Have you ever heard about the people on Mount Everest
临死的人们 他们事怎么样的吗 who are about to die, and how that is for them?
没有 告诉我发生什么 No, tell me what happens to them.
不是你想象的那样 It's not like what you imagine.
什么眼泪里掉下冰柱什么的 Like, that there are icicles coming out of their tears or whatever.
夏尔巴人说"别坐下" The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down."
但他们还是坐下来 But then they sit down,
因为他们太累了 然后就死在上面了 because they're so tired that they'll just die up there.
- 我的天啊 - 他们的大衣还在那 - Oh, my God. - And all their parkas are still there.
马克斯来了 Max. Max. Max is walking.
马克斯来了 我没在开玩笑 他还抱了束花 Max is walking up. I'm not kidding, and he has a bouquet of flowers.
他来了 他来了 真的 No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah.
我不知道... 我要怎么做 I can't... What do I do?
你就... 我也不知道 You just... I don't know.
- 假装我在说话 - 你在说话 - Pretend I'm saying something. - You are saying something.
- 天啊 - 他来了 - God... - He's coming.
- 他很近了 - 我看上去什么样 - He's getting very close. - What's my face look like?
真的发生了 他来了 It's happening now. He's here.
- 嘿 - 你好 - Hey. - Hi.
这是给你的 These are for you.
你真好 That's so nice.
我在想 如果你不介意的话 I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you
还有你 and you,
我能不能和你们一起去 I could go with you.
你能看我的病历卡 没事 我没什么秘密 You can look at my sheet. It's okay. I don't have any secrets.
真好 Nice.
你家有精神病遗传 Mental illness runs in your family.
我家有糖尿病和忧郁症 Yeah, we have diabetes and depression.
糖尿病? The diabetes?
你家人都喜欢吃糖吗 You guys like to eat a lot of candy in your family?
很多甜品 很多派 很多圣代 Lot of desserts, lot of pie, lot of brownie sundaes.
- 那也不错 - 是啊 - That's darling. - Yeah.
今天外面真冷 So cold out today.
今早我查天气网时候就做好准备了 When I looked on weather.com this morning to pick out my outfit,
网上称今天是今年最冷的一天 I saw that it is the coldest day of the year.
真的吗 Really?
我听说他们要像龙卷风那样命名暴风雪了 I heard they're going to start naming snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.
以后就是这样了 That's how intense it's going to be from now on.
多娜 The Donna.
世纪暴风雪之最 Snowstorm of the century.
多娜二号 Donna Two.
你之前看过天气预报吗? Have you ever watched a weather report before?
我得去看看了 Man, I got to get on that.
- 你只看预告片吗 - 是吗? - Just movie trailers for you, huh? - Is that what that is?
就是这样吗? Is that all?
抱歉我昨晚走了 I'm sorry I took off last night.
我收到你的语音留言了 I got your voicemails.
我只是不知道该怎么做 I just didn't know what to do.
我昨晚还做了个极端的事 I also made a very extreme move last night.
是啊 但是 Yeah, but
我做的事太混蛋了 it was an asshole move on my part.
没有 No.
我想我们两都在考虑 I think we're both just trying to figure out
- 要怎么做 - 是啊 - how to do everything. - Yeah.
我们那天吃晚餐时我真的很想告诉你 I really wanted to tell you when we were at dinner,
但是你... but then you...
我吓坏了因为你说你想当爷爷 I freaked out because you started talking about wanting to be a grandfather.
然后你就觉得我说明天就想当? And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow?
好吧 那你就是七十六岁 是吗 Well, you're, like, 76, right?
是的 是的 Yeah. Yep.
我只是不... 你懂的 I just don't... You know.
我们刚熟起来 We've just been acquainted.
我不知道你介不介意 I didn't know if you'd be okay with this.
那你介意吗? Are you okay with this?
当然 Yeah. Yes.
- 当然了 - 好的 - Of course. - Good.
我想在将来的某天 当上爷爷 I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday.
- 先做爸爸然后... - 是啊 - Dad first and then... Right. - Yeah.
今天可能是我过的最棒和最烂的情人节了 This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day I have ever had.
多娜是哪位? Which one of you is Donna?
请跟我来 Follow me, please.
好吧 Okay.
谢谢你能陪我来 Well, thank you for coming.
谢谢你让我来 Thanks for letting me.
出来见? See you on the other side?
你好 多娜 麻醉药应该起效用了 Hi, Donna. The sedative should be taking effect.
感觉好些了吗? Are you feeling relaxed?
好的 多娜 我们要开始手术了 Okay, Donna, we're going to start the procedure now.
如果你有什么不适 随时告诉我们 Let us know if you feel any discomfort at any time.
- 给 很烫 当心点 - 谢谢 - Here you go. It's hot. Careful. - Thank you.
你想要把脚抬上来吗 Do you want to put your feet up?
好的 Okay.
- 这样怎么样 - 很舒服 - How's that? - It's good.
我在等候室里交了很多朋友 I made a bunch of friends in the waiting room
在车管所里 at the DMV.
天啊 Oh, God.
我们可不在车管所 We weren't at the DMV.
我更新了我的驾照呢 I got my license renewed.
是吗 You did?
你不在吗... 我还让我车检查了一下呢 Were you not... I got the car inspected.
我想他们把我的车拖走了 You know, I think they towed my car.
是啊 他们好像从我车里拿了很多东西走 Yeah, they sort of took a lot of stuff out of the trunk.
有一瞬间 我很怕再开那部车 And, you know, for a second, I was afraid to drive it again,
但我觉得我还是会的 but I think I probably will.
- 所以你也在那? 在车管所? - 是的 - So you were there? You were at the DMV. - Yeah.
就是我们 That was us.
- 你想看电影吗 - 一直想 - Do you want to watch a movie? - Always.
好的 Okay.
我们来看看有什么电影 Let's see what we got going on here.
只有爱情喜剧片 It is nothing but romantic comedies.
我很讨厌那种类型的电影 I just hate that type of film.
一点都没有共鸣 I don't connect to it.
好了 Here we go.
我们有别的电影 We have hit the mother lode.
《乱世佳人》要开始了 你看过吗? Gone with the Wind is about to start. Have you ever seen this?
没看过 I have not.
我也没有 I've never seen it either.
你想看吗 Do you want to watch it?
我想 但是这要十小时 I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long.
你有别的地方要去吗? Do you have somewhere to be?