♪如果我能依靠著彩虹♪ ♪ If I was leaning on a rainbow ♪
♪星星閃亮 月光照耀♪ ♪ Where stars shine and moonbeams glow ♪
♪困難和傷痛將離我遠去♪ ♪ I could leave my troubles, forget my woes ♪
♪如果我能依靠著彩虹♪ ♪ If I was leaning on a rainbow ♪
♪如果我能坐在世界之巔♪ ♪ If I was sitting on top of the world ♪
♪美酒 鉆石 珠寶陪伴♪ ♪ With fine wine, diamonds and pearls ♪
♪我將處于不敗之地♪ ♪ Ain't nobody would bring me down ♪
♪如果我能坐在世界之巔♪ ♪ If I was sitting on top of the world ♪
噢 Oh.
拜托 你這個十足的白癡 Come on, you blithering idiot.
不就26個字母嘛 There's only 26 letters in the damned alphabet.
你只要把它們按正確的順序放一起就好了 All you've gotta do is put them in the right bloody order.
寫點什么吧 Write something.
什么都行 Anything.
對了 Right.
音樂 Music.
查爾斯 Charles.
動腦啊 Think.
查爾斯 Charles?
親愛的 Darling?
查爾斯 廷巴克圖的人都聽得見 Charles? They can hear you in Timbuktu!
非常感謝 Much obliged.
如果你堅持要過得像個夜貓子一樣 If you insist on living like a nocturnal animal,
至少不要打擾到別人吧 at least be civil enough to hide your tracks.
早上好 伊迪絲 Morning, Edith.
早上好 夫人 Good morning, ma'am.
他終于做到了 Oh, he's finally gone through with it.
可恥至極 不是嗎 Oh yes. Scandalous, isn't it?
恰恰相反 我覺得為了愛情放棄皇位 On the contrary, I think giving up the throne
非常浪漫 for love is awfully romantic.
我要一個烤葡萄柚和一杯濃咖啡 I'll have a grilled grapefruit and a strong coffee please.
唐多明先生又要我把雞蛋 Mr. Condomine's asked for his eggs
拿到他的書房 to be brought out to his study again.
看他現在的情緒 我希望 Well, given his mood, I hope they're
雞蛋是單面煎的 being served sunny side up.
拿去 Here we go.
兩個半熟的雞蛋給威廉·莎士比亞 Two soft-boiled eggs. For William Shakespeare.
女主人今天早上要吃什么 And what does Her Majesty want this morning?
她堅持好萊塢式飲食 She's sticking to the Hollywood diet.
好萊塢式飲食 Hollywood diet.
她要變成葛麗泰·嘉寶 It'll take a lot more than an exotic fruit
一個外國水果可遠遠不夠 to turn her into Greta Garbo.
噢 Oh.
別在花園里磨蹭 伊迪絲 And don't dilly-dally in the garden, Edith.
如果烤面包冷了 他就不吃了 He'll only send it back, if the toast is cold.
我不是一個壞人 I'm not a bad man.
我是喜歡調情 I mean, yes, I like to flirt a bit.
偶爾也會賭博 And the occasional flutter.
先生 打擾了 你的早餐 Excuse me, sir. Your breakfast.
伊迪絲 Edith.
在 先生 Yes, sir?
麻煩你提醒埃德娜'toast'這個單詞 Would you remind Edna that the word 'toast'
來自于拉丁語'tostare' is derived from the Latin 'tostare',
意思是"燒"或者"烤" meaning 'to scorch' or 'to roast'?
這...這面包都冷得硬了 Whereas this... is a cold, hard piece of bread.
我的錯 先生 Apologies, sir.
謝謝 Thank you.
您還有其它需要嗎 Do you need anything else?
天意 Divine intervention.
真是愛國啊 哈羅德 It's wonderfully patriotic, Harold.
你非常有能干 You've really excelled yourself.
我肯定裁判也是這么想的 And I'm certain the judges will agree.
噢 Oh!
為什么對你來說這么容易呢 How was it so easy for you,
我的曼哈頓繆斯 my Manhattan muse?
查爾斯 Charles.
你應該向卡德摩斯祈禱 You really should be praying to Cadmus
而不是砍他的頭 and not decapitating him.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
你的任務是寫一部90頁的劇本 You've been commissioned to write a 90-page screenplay,
而不是《戰爭與和平》 not War and Peace.
我已經江郎才盡了 I'm at my wits' end.
我不明白改編一個你已經寫好的劇本 I just don't understand how it can be so problematic
有什么難的呢 to adapt a story that you've already written.
對不起 查爾斯 我不知道我還能忍受多久 I'm sorry, Charles. I just don't know how long
你現在完全陷在你的幻想世界里 I can go on like this, with you stuck
留我一個人在真實世界 in an imaginary world and me alone in the real one.
我想你 I miss you.
我想我們 I miss us.
我也是 So do I.
看看這個 Look at that.
我在文件里找到的 Just found it amongst some papers.
你能試著理解我的心情很貼心 It's sweet of you to try and spare my feelings.
但也很幼稚 And a little naive.
為什么 Why?
因為你覺得我會介意你想埃爾韋拉 Because you imagine that I mind you thinking of Elvira.
你不介意嗎 Well, don't you?
我一點兒都不嫉妒她 No. I'm not in the least bit jealous of her.
我只是在想 如果我死了 I just wonder if I died, whether you'd continue
你會不會看我的照片 to look at photographs of me.
親愛的 Darling.
你會長命百歲的 You're not the dying type.
哈 Ha!
他簡直無可救藥 維奧萊特 He's simply incorrigible, Violet.
昨天我看見他盯著埃爾韋拉的照片出神 I found him mooning over pictures of Elvira yesterday.
埃爾韋拉 Elvira?
他一直逃避工作 還想著前妻 He's been shirking work and pining for the ex-wife.
噢 Oh!
比賽結束 Game, set and match.
這真的沒有什么好擔心的 There's really nothing to feel insecure about.
埃爾韋拉也許是很有魅力 Elvira may have been very attractive,
但是那個可憐的女人已經死了 but the poor woman's gone.
就像我們之間的火花一樣 As has the spark in our relationship.
查爾斯是個男人 Charles is a man.
你不能指望他同時應付 You can't expect him to juggle
很多事情 more than one thing at a time.
我的建議...讓他自己去焦慮那些文字 My advice... leave him to worry about the words
你可以找其他人開心開心 and find someone else to shake your sheets.
拜托 別裝模作樣了 Oh come on, don't be a prude.
要想婚姻走到底 你就必須得實際一點 One must be practical for a marriage to run the course.
布拉曼夫人 你還記得 Do you remember what you learnt
上一堂課學到的東西嗎 in our last lesson, Mrs. Bradman?
保持強壯 抓牢 我怎么忘得了 Strong, firm grip. How could I forget?
所以有什么問題 老朋友 So, what seems to be the trouble, old chap?
事情沒有以前進展得那么順利了 Things don't seem to be flowing as they used to.
噢 Oh.
你告訴我哪一個作家 Name me a wordsmith who hasn't wrestled with a bout
沒有遇到過寫作瓶頸 of writer's block once in a while, eh.
事實上 不只是我的文字 And the truth is, it's not just the words
枯竭了 that have dried up.
嗯哼 Hm-hm.
大本鐘都不報時了 Big Ben's stopped chiming.
皮斯博迪先生得了舞臺恐懼癥 Mr. Peasbody's got stage fright.
可憐的家伙 Oh, you poor fellow.
就好像用繩子打臺球 It's like playing billiards with a rope.
試一下這個 Try a couple of these.
應該給你的油箱加些油 Should put some fuel back in your tank.
這是什么 What are they?
苯丙胺硫酸Benzedrine sulfate.
安非他明 amphetamine.
增強興奮感 Enhances cheerfulness,
敏感性 維奧萊特已經試過了 alertness, and as Violet would testify,
對你的性欲有奇效 does wonders for your libido.
聽起來好得令人難以置信 會上癮嗎 Sounds too good to be true. Is it habit forming?
完全不會 我們已經用了很多年了 No, not at all. Been using them for years.
慢一點 Ah, slow down.
查爾斯 你會讓我們都得冠心病的 Charles, you'll give us both a coronary.
我從來沒覺得這么有活力過 I've never felt more alive.
怎么了 發生什么事了 Why? What's happened?
我決定聽你的建議 I decided to take your advice
向好的地方看 and look on the positives.
人總是要生活得積極一點兒嘛 Surely it's better to be up than down.
我只是不想你耗費完體力 I just don't want you to exhaust yourself
今天晚上在劇場還有個靈媒演出呢 before the medium show at the theater tonight.
任何有理智的人都不會浪費一個完美的夜晚 Nobody in their right mind would waste a perfectly
假裝被某人的自言自語 pleasant evening pretending to be fascinated
所吸引 by someone holding a one-way conversation.
女士們先生們 大家請就坐 Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
今晚的演出將在兩分鐘之后開始 This evening's performance will commence in two minutes.
那不是你的廚娘嗎 Isn't that your cook?
還有你的女傭 And your maid?
是 就是她們 Oh yes. So it is.
可憐的伊迪絲 Poor Edith.
自從她弟弟在西班牙參加反法斯西戰爭去世之后 She's been very taken with this sort of thing
她就迷上了這類活動 since she lost her brother fighting the fascists in Spain.
原始的迷信非常有說服性 Primitive superstition can be very persuasive.
特別是對于情緒脆弱的人來說 Especially with the emotionally susceptible.
女士們先生們 Ladies and gentlemen,
歡迎來到這里 welcome to an evening that will change
今夜將改變你對這個世界的看法 your perceptions of the world we inhabit.
也將確鑿地回答 That will answer, irrefutably,
自古以來 the question that has confounded mankind
困擾著所有人類的問題 since the dawn of time.
人死之后會有靈魂嗎 Is there life after death?
沒有 No.
她來了 There she is.
女士們先生們 大家好 Mesdames et messeurs, bonsoir.
從西方的喬魯拉大金字塔 From the Great Pyramid of Cholula in the West
到東邊的泰山 to Mount Taishan in the east,
從南邊的Whanganui-a-Tara from Whanganui-a-Tara in the south
到北邊的烏普薩拉 to Uppsala in the north,
我環游世界 I have traveled the globe,
和古魯 哲人和薩滿交流 communing with gurus, swamis and shaman.
這些智者引導我 These wise sages have guided me
進入更深的層面 to a deeper dimension
在那兒我豁然頓悟 where finally I experienced an epiphany
到了另一個世界 and broke through to the other side.
我確信你們所有人 I am certain that everyone here
都能感受到逝去的所愛之人的靈魂 has sensed the spirits of their departed loved ones.
我也確信我們都希望 And I am certain we all wish
能夠和他們再次溝通 we could communicate with them again
彌補曾經的遺憾 to say the things we never got to say.
- 我有過 - 對不起 I've got it. Shh. -Sorry.
今晚 我將利用珍貴的神秘力量 Tonight, I will use the precious mystical gift
讓這一切變成現實 to make that possible.
糟糕 Bugger!
阿卡蒂夫人 Madame Arcati.
就是個鬼把戲 Oh, it's a conjuring trick.
我告訴過你 她就是個騙子 I told you. She's a fraud.
你的指控太過分了 That's an outrageous accusation.
我只是和神明失去了聯系 I merely lost contact.
查爾斯說得對 這就是騙人的把戲 Charles was right. It was all a put-up job.
他去哪兒了 Where'd he go?
別 別 Please, please.
阿卡蒂夫人剛剛才度過 Madame Arcati has just been through
一場慘痛的經歷 a very traumatic experience.
請別... Please just... Please.
我想請你們在這個艱難的時刻 I would ask you to respect
尊重一下她的隱私 her privacy at this difficult time.
我的好阿姨 Oh, my giddy aunt!
我告訴過你 曼迪普 I've told you, Mandeep,
我誰都不想見 I don't want to see a living soul.
我的名字叫查爾斯·康多明 My name is Charles Condomine.
我是一個獲獎作家 I'm an award-winning writer.
那些骯臟的記者我更不想見 And especially not the gutter press.
聽著 我不是記者 我寫犯罪小說 Look, I'm not a reporter. I write crime novels,
和劇本 and screenplays.
我受不了虛構或幻想 Well, I can't abide fiction or fantasy.
阿卡蒂夫人 Madame Arcati?
我不是來質疑你的誠信的 I'm not here to question your integrity.
裝外國口音并不代表你的力量不真實 Faking an exotic accent doesn't mean your gift isn't real.
我完全理解 你和我一樣 I fully understand that, like me, you occasionally have
偶爾會用某種藝術手法 to employ a certain artistic license
娛樂觀眾 to entertain the masses.
他們我來一個精彩的表演 They expect me to deliver a spectacle,
超自然的奇跡 夜復一夜 a transcendental miracle, night after night.
當然 你不需要解釋 Of course, of course. There's no need to justify yourself.
我相信靈媒 I'm a believer.
我來這兒只是想邀請你去我家 I'm simply here to invite you to conduct
做一場私人的通靈會 a private seance at my home.
康多明先生 我不是到處表演班卓琴的 Well. I'm not a traveling banjo player, Mr. Condomine.
我不接任務 I don't do requests.
到時候還會有一些很重要的客人出席 Well, there might be some influential guests attending.
要想消除今晚這個不幸事件的負面影響 Could be the perfect opportunity to fend off
那可能是一個最好的機會 any bad publicity from tonight's unfortunate events.
你想我什么時候去 When were you wishing this to take place?
越快越好 As soon as possible.
那我建議這個星期四 Then I suggest this Thursday,
冬至仲夏夜 midsummer night, the solstice.
季節交替的神圣時刻 The sacred turning point of the seasons.
完美 Perfect.
我告訴她我對靈異事件之類的事 I told her how profoundly interested I was
非常感興趣 in anything to do with the occult,
她開心地像朵花兒一眼 and she blossomed like a rose.
和一個專業騙子呆一個晚上 Well, hosting an evening with a professional charlatan
聽起來太嚇人了 sounds like an absolute scream.
不是嗎 Doesn't it?
但是這個儀式能讓你早點完成劇本嗎 But will it get you closer to finishing your screenplay?
我需要這個老女人 Well, I need the old girl to show me
給我展示一些技巧 a few tricks of the trade.
這才是我的新英雄真正獨特的地方 That's what's gonna make my new hero truly unique.
他有什么特別的 What's so unique about him?
他死了 He's dead.
死了 Dead?
一命嗚呼 As a doornail.
他是一起惡性謀殺案的受害者 He's the victim of a vicious unsolved murder
通過一種媒介與活著的人交流 and communicates with the living through a medium
它可以讓人死而復生 who helps bring people back from beyond the grave.
也許她同時也能重振你的事業 Maybe she could resurrect your career at the same time.
爸爸很生氣 Daddy's on the warpath.
如果你不趕緊交稿 He's certain to find another writer
他肯定要找其他作家 if you don't deliver soon.
有人在嗎 Is anybody there?
敲一聲代表是 敲兩聲代表否 One rap for yes, two raps for no.
是你嗎 瑪雅 Is that you, Maia?
誰是瑪雅 Who's Maia?
我的精神導師 My spirit guide.
她是圖坦卡蒙的奶媽 She was Tutankhamun's wet nurse.
但愿她現在沒有在哺乳期了 I do hope she's not still lactating.
布雷德曼先生 我請你放尊重點 I would ask you not to be flippant, Dr. Bradman.
她是已經去世了 但她依然有感情 She may be in Shamballa, but the woman still has feelings.
請你原諒 阿卡蒂夫人 Please forgive me, Madame Arcati.
我不是有意冒犯 I didn't mean to cause offense.
來了 Now we're getting somewhere.
你想和我談話嗎 Is it me you wish to speak to?
布雷德曼呢 Is it Dr. Bradman? Or perhaps one
或者他那些不幸的病人 of his less fortunate patients?
布雷德曼夫人 Mrs. Bradman?
康多明先生 Mrs. Condomine?
規矩點 瑪雅 Oh, behave yourself, Maia.
康多明夫人 Mr. Condomine?
看來某人想和康多明先生 It appears that someone wishes to speak
談話啊 to you, Mr. Condomine.
你認識的人中 Do you know anyone who has recently
有誰最近去世了嗎 passed over to the other side?
只有我的老文學經紀人 Only my old literary agent,
但是他不太可能想和我談話 but it's unlikely he'd make contact.
他死時還欠我一大筆版稅 He died owing me a fortune in royalties.
你是康多明先生的文學經紀人嗎 Are you Mr. Condomine's literary agent.
不是 No.
恐怕我們毫無收獲了 I'm afraid we've drawn a blank.
那邊有沒有你經常想起的人 Is there anyone on the other side you think of often?
沒有 No, well, there's nothing for it.
我得進入催眠狀態了 I shall have to go into a trance.
我特別討厭這種時刻 This is the moment I hate.
你緊張嗎 還是 Are, are you nervous, or?
我小時候經常生病 When I was a child, I used to be sick.
嗯哼 Mm-hm.
現在我們看看這兒有什么 Now let's see, what have we here?
勃拉姆斯 太黑暗 太壓抑了 Oh, Brahms. No, that's too dark and depressing.
拉赫瑪尼諾夫 不行 太花哨了 Rachmaninoff. No, too florid.
這個好點兒 Oh no, this is better.
永遠如此 Always.
必須得放這首歌嗎 Does it have to be that song?
瑪雅喜歡能跟著哼唱的曲子 Well Maia likes a tune she can hum along to.
♪永遠 ♪ Always
♪我會永遠愛你 ♪ I'll be loving you Always
♪永遠真實的愛 ♪ With a love that's true Always
♪你計劃的一切 ♪ Then the things you plan
♪ 需要幫忙是的時候 ♪ Need a helping hand
♪我會理解 ♪ I will understand
噯喲 Crikey.
What the devil's going on?
Must be a power cut.
Madame Arcati? Madame Arcati, can you hear me?
Is she breathing?
She's having some sort of fit.
Please, do something, Dr. Bradman.
Oh.
Oh, thank goodness.
What happened?
Apart from the French windows blowing open,
nothing supernatural.
Something substantial took place.
I can feel it in my base chakra.
Probably trapped wind.
No poltergeists, at any rate.
Any apparitions?
Uh, not that we saw.
What about ectoplasm?
I'm not quite sure what that is.
A supernatural viscous substance that exudes
from the body of one in a spiritualistic trance
and forms the material for the manifestation of spirits.
No, I definitely would have remembered that.
Mm-hm.
Well. I suppose I should get going before the storm rolls in.
Would you care for some refreshments
before you return to your hotel?
Oh. no, thank you, Mrs. Condomine. I like to travel light.
Congratulations, Madame Arcati.
It was a thrilling evening.
I'm well aware of the irony in your voice, Dr. Bradman.
May I be so bold as to remind you that modern medicine
is a recent phenomena, and that physicians have found
value in scientifically inexplicable practices
since the beginning of civilization?
Quite so.
Well, good night, everyone.
I'm sorry so little eventuated.
Probably something to do with a cosmic flux.
Thank you so much for agreeing to do this, Madame Arcati.
It's been an education on so many levels.
Merci, Monsieur Condomine.
Et au revoir.
Sh, sh sh, sh sh sh.
She might hear us, sh.
I can't. Really, I can't.
I can't quite put my finger on it, Donald.
I've never experienced anything like it in my life.
It genuinely felt as if
something tremendous had happened.
Oh well.
Maybe next time.
Good night, my love.
Did you get everything you need for your screenplay?
Oh, everything and more.
You're not thinking of turning in for the night, are you?
What?
Wouldn't it be prudent to get down
the ideas whilst they're still fresh?
Yes, well, absolutely.
I shall, fix myself a drink and dig in.
Carpe diem, darling.
Carpe diem.
Jesus Christ.
Charles?
What on Earth have you done?
The room looks like a giant peach melba.
And where's my Italian chandelier gone?
What?
Oh, God.
Hello.
Please tell me you haven't ruined the rest of the house.
No.
My Moroccan mosaics. Charles.
One weekend away and the whole place has had
the life and soul sucked out of it.
This can't be happening.
I must be hallucinating.
Well, judging from the decor, I would say
that's the understatement of the century.
I should have known this wasn't down to you.
Who is she?
It's not what you think.
Please do not humiliate either one of us any further.
If you've got something to tell me,
be a man and spit it out.
Elvira... You're dead.
How dare you?
The last thing I remember is competing
in the South Downs point-to-point.
That's right, and the conditions were treacherous,
and as with most things, you refused to listen to reason.
Well I couldn't miss the most prestigious meet
of the season, Charles.
Well, you paid the ultimate price for your folly
and fell at the final fence,
instantly breaking your neck.
The whole episode was very distressing
for everyone involved.
Well, presumably not as distressing as it was for me.
They did rename the jump in your honor.
Oh.
How thoughtful.
I don't understand.
If I'm dead, then how and why am I here?
I have absolutely no idea.
Maybe you're a ghost.
What? No!
Please, don't get hysterical.
Hysterical?
Concerned, more like.
Procrastination is the thief of time, Charles,
and yours is running out.
Who's she?
My wife, Ruth.
Yes? Are you all right?
I'm your wife.
Not anymore.
Why? What's the matter?
Ruth, I'm not speaking to you. I'm talking to Elvira.
Elvira?
Yeah, surely you can see her.
She's standing right next to you.
Charles, what are you playing at? Elvira's dead.
Ugh, why does everyone have to keep saying that?
Elvira, darling, this is Ruth.
Ruth, darling, this is Elvira.
Are you drunk?
Ruth, Elvira is here with us in the room.
Madame Arcati must have summoned her up during the seance.
Madame Arcati's a fraud. You said so yourself.
I'm going to bed, and I suggest that you retire too.
Finally some time to ourselves so we can get reacquainted.
That's a thoroughly immoral suggestion.
Oh, I wasn't for a moment insinuating we share a bed.
No...
I've come to terms with your recent inability
to perform in that department.
I can't imagine you ever did with that sourpuss.
Be quiet. You're behaving like a guttersnipe.
It is your behavior, Charles, that is unpardonable.
Good night.
Hooray.
What a frightful woman.
I can only assume it was a marriage of convenience?
I've gone mad.
That's what it is Stark raving mad.
It will ruin your life if you allow it to get hold of you.
Once and for all, Ruth,
last night had nothing to do with alcohol.
I wasn't in the least drunk.
Something very peculiar happened to me.
A one-off psychic delusion,
likely brought on by work pressure.
A deadline doesn't explain why when I calmly suggested
that you should return to bed, you said with a most
disgusting leer that it was an immoral suggestion.
I thought I was talking to Elvira.
Well, if you were, I can only say it conjures up
a fragrant picture of your first marriage.
My first marriage was perfectly charming.
And it's in the worst possible taste for you to sneer at it.
I'm not nearly so interested in your first marriage
as you think I am.
In fact, its your second marriage
that's absorbing me at the moment.
It's headed for the rocks.
Well, it's 155 over 99. It is quite high.
I'm not surprised,
given the intensity of the hallucination.
I genuinely believed Elvira was in the room talking to me.
She was as real as you or I.
Probably best you stop taking the tablets, old chap.
Darling.
I hate to see you so upset.
Please accept my heartfelt apology for anything untoward
I might have said last night.
Or this morning.
Apology accepted. Let's never mention it again.
How are you feeling?
I believe Dr. Bradman might have solved the riddle.
Ah, well, thank goodness.
Now, let's go and see your father.
I want to check he likes my new idea
before committing it to the page.
I do not want to be late.
Charles?
And so, you see, Henry, it's only through the medium
that the killer can be brought to justice,
based on new evidence that he gathers from beyond the grave.
I like the premise, Charles, but not enough
to wait another six months to see a script.
Charles will deliver in a few weeks, Daddy.
You have my word.
And mine.
- And we've cut!
Right, come on, let's go and watch the next scene.
I think Hitch will be the perfect director for our film.
Just don't get under his feet.
Come on, darling.
Bring Miss Withers some makeup, please.
Googie, darling, how lovely to see you.
Charles Condomine.
Ah, I'm a big fan of your books, Mr. Condomine.
When can we expect Detective Flowers
to crack his next case?
Ah, Charles has actually made the leap into screenwriting.
With Daddy's help.
Oh, how exciting.
I'd die to play one of your strong-willed female characters.
Where do you draw your inspiration from?
Where do you think?
Oh, how romantic, to marry your muse.
Not so romantic to replace her.
Why don't you tell her the truth, Charles,
that you're an astral bigamist?
Be quiet. Stop behaving like a harlot.
I beg your pardon?
Admit it, Charles.
All of your female characters are based on me.
You always were vain and self-obsessed.
How dare you speak to my leading lady like that?
No, no no.
Get a grip, Charles. What on earth is going on?
Elvira is here.
I can see her.
She's right there.
I insist you go home immediately and lie down.
I have no desire to go to bed
in the middle of the afternoon.
My, how things have changed.
I remember a time when we could barely
drag ourselves out of our double divan.
Stop being indecent. Get out of my sight.
How dare you speak to my daughter like that!
No, I wasn't speaking to her.
Get off my set.
You're in trouble now.
Don't be so infantile.
I'll give you infantile.
Does it hurt?
Only if I breathe.
Let me see it, darling.
What about now?
Oh, God!
I suggest you take yourself to your study.
The only way my father will forgive you
is if you deliver an Oscar-worthy script.
How am I supposed to write in this state?
Well you better try.
Either start typing and prove you're not barking mad,
or I'll be forced to call Dr. Bradman
and have you referred to a nerve specialist.
Ruth, I'm not in the least neurotic.
And never have been.
Well, psychoanalyst, then.
I refuse to endure months of expensive humiliation,
only to be told at the end of it
that at the age of four I was in love with my rocking horse.
Don't take that flippant tone with me, Charles Condomine.
I'm not the one who started seeing things.
Ah, so you do believe me then?
Of course I don't.
There's no such thing as ghosts or ghouls.
I call upon Donald Keeling,
Second Lieutenant
in the 92nd Regiment of Gordon Highlanders.
Who died on February the 27th, 1881,
at the Battle of Majuba Hill.
Come forth
and make yourself known to me.
Cecily, your ever devoted wife.
Donald... Is that you?
It's housekeeping. Do you need fresh towels?
What are you doing here?
Despite removing every trace of me,
this is still my home.
Besides, I have no idea how to get back
even if I wanted to.
Are you saying you're staying indefinitely?
Why?
Would you hate it so much if I did?
Honestly, Charles, I really am a little hurt.
You're the only one who could have called me back.
I most emphatically did not send for you, Elvira.
Ruth and I are about to celebrate
our fifth wedding anniversary together.
Five?
What is that, leather?
Wood.
Watch out for the splinters.
Mrs. Condomine.
I'll call Dr. Bradman, see
if he'll accompany us to the sanitarium.
Ruth, please, listen to me.
I haven't gone mad.
The ghost of my first wife, Elvira, has crossed over
from the other side and is here
in the room with us right now.
Yes, dear.
I know. I see her perfectly well,
along with the zebras and chimpanzees
hiding under the piano.
Ruth, I have always looked upon you as a woman
of perception and understanding.
I am, but if you say you're not drinking,
there must be something pressing on your brain.
Elvira, do something to reveal
that you really are here, please.
She's going to have me committed.
Do you remember when we first heard our song, Charles?
♪ I'll be loving you Always, Oooh ♪
See? What did I tell you?
It's a cruel trick, Charles,
using some sort of auto suggestion
or hypnotism to scare me.
It isn't. I swear it isn't. Darling.
Darling.
Elvira, do something else, for God sake.
Oh, anything to oblige.
Look.
Lord.
Adios, interloper.
Oops.
I'm afraid we need the room back.
I told you I'll be packed and ready
to go within an hour.
Ah, thank God I caught you.
You are my only hope.
Something terrible has taken place.
You heard strange noises in the night?
Boards creaking? Doors slamming?
A subdued moaning in the passages?
Eh, no, none of those.
Oh.
But, it appears that after the seance
my husband's first wife, Elvira,
who died seven years ago, is back among us.
At last. A genuine materialization.
I knew something stupendous had happened to me that night.
I felt it in my spinal cortex.
Oh, after all these years of, of spiritual devotion,
I've finally been rewarded.
I appreciate the pride in your achievement,
but I would like to point out it's making
my position in my home untenable,
and I hold you entirely responsible.
Oh, forgive me, Mrs. Condomine.
I'm being abominably selfish.
Just to help me get this clear in my mind,
y-you yourself have not seen this manifestation?
No, but Charles claims he can see and talk to her.
Well, if the emotional connection is strong,
that is sometimes possible.
What?
It can sometimes develop
into a level ten,
something I've never even dared dream of.
Can he, by any chance, touch her?
I sincerely hope not.
Why?
Can that happen?
Well. if the returning spirit feels welcome... it can
gradually become physically... substantial.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradman.
Well, please do let me know if you hear from her.
She's not there either.
I remember when you couldn't wait to spend
an afternoon alone with me.
Please refrain from playing with my affections.
I feel strange enough.
So you do still find me attractive?
Elvira, please.
This isn't appropriate.
Look into my eyes.
And tell me you don't love me anymore.
I shall always love the memory of you.
Memories are about the past, Charles.
But I'm here.
And this is the present.
Why don't we take the boat out
like we used to and get some air?
I can't. I'm on a deadline.
What are you writing? Checks?
I'll have you know I've been commissioned
to adapt my first novel for the screen.
Your first novel?
Nearly wore my fingers to the bone
committing this story to the page.
Let's face it, darling.
It's not a coincidence that you haven't published
a word since my demise.
I won't deny, you did have a certain flair for plot.
Mm-hmm.
And character.
And?
And dialogue.
Right.
The biggest problem you have is the twist
into the third act.
It isn't dramatic enough, which is why you
don't have a satisfying climax.
Tell me something I don't know.
Wouldn't it be smarter to put the whole thing
on its head and reveal the husband as the killer?
Oh that's good.
Or, what would be more interesting
is if it's the wife who set him up.
Why would the wife send her husband to the gallows?
It's obvious, darling.
Susan Rutherford becomes the prime suspect
when her alibi fails to materialize, and we naturally
assume that she's trying to protect the reputation
of the foreign secretary, whose aspirations
of becoming the prime minister would be severely compromised
if it was revealed that he was having an affair.
But, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth,
which is what we learn from the victim himself.
And it's only through the medium that they can work it out.
Work what out?
That she's pregnant with the dead
foreign secretary's child.
Oh, that's good.
Well even I didn't see that one coming.
Of course you didn't, darling.
You're just the writer.
I'm afraid, Mrs. Condomine, the time has come
for me to admit quite frankly,
I haven't the foggiest idea how to send her back.
I have my own personal reasons for wishing
to communicate with the departed,
but I never for a moment considered the possibility
of having to send someone back.
Well I suggest that you find a way.
I refuse to share my husband with anyone,
especially his dead ex-wife.
Well if I thought for a moment that your husband
wished to get in touch with the spirit
of his dead ex-wife, I would have of course
consulted you first.
After all, noblesse oblige.
He had no intention of getting in touch with her.
I can assure you.
The whole thing was planned in order
to get material for his new project.
Am I to understand I was invited in the spirit of mockery?
He merely wanted to make some notes
of the tricks of the trade.
Tricks of the trade?
I've never been so insulted in my life.
I'm sorry, that all came out wrong.
I'm, I'm rather overwrought with the whole affair.
Please, I implore you to help us.
I will go to the Spiritual Alliance
on my way back to Sussex and ask them for guidance.
Sussex? You can't abandon us in our hour of need.
Well, due to my recent circumstances,
I can no longer afford to stay here,
but you can contact me.
I can cover your hotel bill, and any expenses,
till this terrifying ordeal has been resolved.
Susan Rutherford leans
over the foreign secretary.
Don't stop.
'The Soviet Union can wait.' Says the foreign secretary.
He turns, and looks at Susan longingly.
'This can't,' he whispers urgently.
And then... he starts to slowly
unbutton
her silk blouse,
as they start to passionately kiss.
Okay. That takes us up to the first act turn.
You can't just stop mid-flow.
I'm tired, and I'm thirsty,
and I want to go into town and drink Negronis
like we used to.
But it's, it's getting late.
You really have got a little too comfortable
in your slippers, Charles.
♪ The price of inspiration
♪ Would be too high
♪ If, to inspire my creation,
♪ we had to say goodbye
♪ If you're putting pen to paper ♪
♪ A singer with a song
♪ nothing's got the rhythm for the line ♪
What do you want, Elvira?
Want? Hmm.
I don't know what you mean.
I remember whenever you were overwhelmingly demure,
it usually meant that you wanted something.
It's horrid of you to be so suspicious.
All I want is to be alone with you.
I can't deny, I do feel rather peculiar seeing you again.
I've missed you more than life itself.
I've missed you too.
My American dream.
I was utterly heartbroken after the accident.
The truth is, I don't believe I ever
really got over losing you.
Do you love Ruth?
Of course I do.
As much as you loved me?
Don't be silly.
It's entirely different.
I'm so glad.
Nothing could have ever been quite the same, could it?
Let's go to SoHo.
Swap the slippers for some dancing shoes?
♪ You gotta give a little, take a little ♪
♪ Let your poor heart break a little ♪
♪ That's the story of, that's the glory of love ♪
♪ You gotta laugh a little, cry a little ♪
♪ Let the clouds roll back a little ♪
♪ That's the story of, that's the glory of love ♪
♪ As long as there's the two of us we got the world and all its charms ♪
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, God.
Charles!
I love being back behind the wheel of a car.
Can't say the feeling's mutual.
Charles?
Where on earth have you been? I've been worried sick.
It's too bad it's not terminal.
I wanted to clear my head, so I took a long drive.
In the passenger seat?
Look, let's not quarrel when we should be celebrating.
I finished the first act of my screenplay,
and it's rather good.
My screenplay more like.
How did you manage that in a day?
Elvira helped me.
Do you mean to tell me that not only has she bullied
her way back over the threshold,
she's trying to work with you now as well?
What do you mean trying?
I've written 15 books in your name.
Elvira, this is neither the time nor the place.
Oh, this is intolerable.
Elvira, now you listen to me.
Darling? I... Yes?
She's over there.
Right.
Now listen here, Elvira.
I've been to see Madame Arcati.
She's going to send you back
to wherever it is she regrettably dragged you from.
Charles?
Don't.
Darling, please don't be upset.
Upset? You've just spent the night with your ex-wife.
How do you expect me to feel?
Ecstatic.
Our dream of going to Hollywood is finally within our grasp.
As soon as I deliver this screenplay,
we'll be crossing the Atlantic
quicker than you can say Sunset Boulevard.
Think of the glitz. The glamour.
The good times we're gonna share.
You won't be reading about other people's lives anymore.
They'll be reading about ours.
And you can't do it without her?
Of course I can.
It'll just be a lot quicker this way.
There's really no need for you to be jealous.
You're the one I love.
Forgive me that I don't tell you enough.
Now that the words are flowing,
I feel unblocked in other areas too.
Promise me you can't touch her.
Darling, she's a ghost.
And besides, the only woman I want to touch is you.
Listen here, lady.
You may have summoned me into this world,
but there's no way I'm going to let you send me back again.
I'm here to stay.
Is that clear?
Oh.
How dare you ignore me, you meddling old crone?
Either you leave me in your peace to live my life,
or I'll haunt you until the day you die.
The Tower. Symbol of chaos,
destruction
and devastation.
Wakey-wakey.
Rise and shine.
What was I, Charles? The warm-up act?
If I was you, I'd keep it there.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
I'm going to have to correct you, Edith.
It's not a good afternoon. It's a glorious one.
Shall I prepare lunch?
Ah, yes please. You read my mind.
I'm absolutely famished.
I'd like a cheese and pickle platter. With extra pickle.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh.
What happened to your leg?
Oh, I slipped down the staircase.
You really must refrain from doing
everything at the double.
You're not in the navy, you know.
I wasn't hurrying, ma'am.
There was axle grease smeared all over the top step.
Yes, her agent loves the pitch,
thinks it would be a perfect vehicle for her.
Seriously? Greta Garbo?
Yes.
Mata Hari speaking my words would be a dream come true.
Charles, are you still on track?
Yes, absolutely still on track.
I'll send the next ream of pages
over as I reach the second act turn.
Don't let me down.
Thank you, Henry. And I appreciate your
continued patience and belief.
Splendid. Goodbye, g...
Elvira, what are you doing?
Greta Garbo speaking my words?
Darling, what am I supposed to say?
That I've got a ghostwriter?
Stop it.
Elvira, that's one of our wedding gifts.
Not ours, Charles, Hers.
You care more about breaking china
than you do about breaking my heart.
Elvira, I was unwaveringly loyal and faithful
to you in all our years of marriage.
What was I supposed to do after you died?
Become a recluse and wear a black armband
for the rest of my life?
Ma'am, the garden judges are here.
Thank you, Edith.
Oh, we've been sabotaged.
Oh, that is an outrageous suggestion.
As the national director of the Spiritual Alliance,
my job is to protect the reputation
of genuine psychic practitioners, not undermine them.
I see.
And I vow, along with my friend Harry Houdini,
to investigate and expose every fraudulent spiritualist
operating in this country.
Very good sir.
Come in.
Madame Arcati here to see you, sir.
Thank you very much for your time, sir.
Yes... well no-no-no, thank you.
Thank you.
Always a pleasure to talk to the press.
Goodbye, sir.
Well you've got a cheek,
showing your face while you're suspended.
I'm sorry to turn up unannounced,
but I urgently need your guidance.
I have pulled off a level-ten manifestation.
And was this before or after you conned
800 people into paying to see you levitate?
No, really, you must believe me, Harry.
And it is possible this presence has a physical form.
Margot, where are the scissors?
Drawer.
So you're telling me that the first level-ten manifestation
reported in over three centuries was the result
of an ordinary common-or-garden seance.
Yes, that is correct.
What did you use as a guide?
Oh, um, this. The Art of the Seance.
Can you help me?
Yes, Madame Arcati, yes, I think I can.
Do you have your membership card?
Membership card, eh...
Yes.
I'm going to start by terminating
your membership with immediate effect.
This is no place for fantasists or frauds.
Margot. Madame Arcati's leaving now.
Meet me at Temple Square in an hour.
Chapter four, page nine, paragraph six.
A banishing spell.
Oh, Margot, thank you.
We don't have long.
I need to replace it in the safe
before Mr. Price returns from lunch.
It's recorded in ancient Druidic text.
I'm a little rusty, but I'll do my best.
Oh, oh wait.
Take Ceridwens's brew of Devil's Claw.
Devil's Claw.
Poisoned root of Aconite.
Oh, yes.
Elixir of Vervain flowers.
Verr..Oh, yes, of course, that's the enchanter's plant.
The sacrificial offering is at its strongest
with a waning moon.
A waning moon.
Sprinkle black salt on a stone altar.
Salt.
Then lay the freshly torn bladder of a carnivore.
The bl-bladder?
Oh, no.
Freshly torn bladderwort.
Oh.
Of the carnivorous aquatic Utricularia plant family.
Oh, thank heaven.
I thought for a minute I was going to have to get my hands dirty.
Au revoir, Madame Arcati.
Good luck.
Will you excuse me?
What about Clark Gable?
He'd make a dashing Detective Frank Flowers.
Good actor, terrible breath.
Oh.
Very tricky for the leading ladies.
I was thinking Cary Grant.
Now we're talking.
I look forward to making his acquaintance at the premiere.
Well I'm afraid you're getting ahead
of yourself there, Mrs. Bradman.
Even I can't make a film without a script.
Be rather like trying to perform surgery without a patient.
The typewriter can be a cruel and demanding mistress.
Yes, well, let's hope that's
the only affair Charles is having.
Hello, Daddy.
Time for a speech.
Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen.
Ha-ha. Oh.
As a writer, people are always expecting me
to come up with lots of words.
Hm.
Well, today I'm sure you'll all be relieved to hear
that I'm going to keep things short and sweet.
Just like my wife.
If I were to create a character as beautiful,
as poised, as perfect as Ruth,
my fans would accuse me of straying into fantasy.
Oh.
But thankfully we are all here today
to celebrate the fact that Ruth is my reality,
and has been for five fabulous years.
So, let us be upstanding, upstandingly,
and raise our glasses to true love.
True love.
Never dies.
♪ I wish I could I shimmy like my sister Kate ♪
♪ She can shake like a jelly on a plate ♪
♪ My mama wanted to know last night ♪
♪ Why all the boys treat Kate so nice ♪
♪ All the boys in the neighborhood ♪
♪ Know that she can shimmy good ♪
♪ You may be late but you'll be up to date ♪
♪ When you can shimmy like my sister Kate, oh yeah ♪
♪ Shimmy like my sister Kate
♪ I went to a dance with sister Kate ♪
♪ Everyone thought that she was great ♪
♪ I looked around for something new ♪
Lord Almighty.
Ruth, what on earth are you doing?
Cooling off.
All that dancing got me hot and sticky!
Everybody's looking.
I didn't know it was going to be one of those parties.
You're as wet as an otter's pocket.
What happened to your dress?
Well what happened to yours, Daddy?
Everybody!
Yes, that's lovely, darling.
I'm not sure the fish are enjoying this.
Why don't you come upstairs and have a little lie-down, hm?
Only if you're going to join me.
Oh, make love to me like it was the first time.
Whee!
Does Mr. Peasbody want to come out and play?.
Oh!
Well, I'm not surprised she doesn't
like to do it with the lights on.
Don't be so vulgar, Elvira.
She's in here?!
Now you listen to me, you low-rent hussy.
This is my party, my bedroom,
my house, and Charles is my husband.
What did she say?
She apologized unreservedly
and has taken herself back downstairs.
Oh.
You should have been an actor, Charles.
You really are rather good.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I'm just ... I'm not in the mood anymore.
I am.
Oh.
Morning, darling.
You look shattered.
Yes, had a bit of a restless night.
Yes.
Yes, I thought you were thrashing around a bit.
I had Edna prepare Norfolk kippers, your favorite.
Hm, that's very sweet.
I could do with something hearty.
I fear I rather overdid on the bubbles yesterday.
The party went by in a bit of a blur.
What are you stuck on?
22 down. Greek god of retribution.
Seven letters. Third letter M, seventh letter S.
Oh, Nemesis.
What on Earth has happened?
She said the place is cursed.
Not safe! Not safe at all!
Edna? Ah.
You can't leave us!
You can keep your job.
No, I'm getting out of here.
Go away!
I'm having nothing to do with you, Go away!
Stay Edna. Please.
You stick your bleeding job up your bum!
Ah, there you are.
There you are.
Now, to work.
Yes.
Where are you?
Detective, I don't see how you can blame a girl
for falling in love with the right guy
for the wrong reasons.
But what about that poor sap of a husband of yours?
Guys like him are a dime a dozen.
What was he, the right guy at the wrong place
at the wrong time?
Oh, Detective, just being close to you,
I feel as if I am completely naked.
How do you always manage to see right through me?
I see things just the way they are.
The rest of the world needs bifocals.
I'm not sure about that last line.
It feels too, florid.
Need something simple and to the point,
like... 'That's my job, sweetie. I just do it.'
Ha.
Whatever you prefer. It's your name on the script.
And fade to black.
Well, dare I say,
I think the film's gonna be even better than the book.
And we finished ahead of the deadline.
Just wait till I tell Ruth.
Let's not tell her just yet.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Fiddlesticks.
Oh. Ah!
Damn and blast.
Oh, you alright, darling?
Knowing you're working fingers to the bone makes it easier
for me to enjoy a few blisters and burns.
Out of suffering have emerged
the strongest souls, my dear.
I've nothing to serve for lunch, I'm afraid.
Oh, please don't worry about it.
I'm not in the least hungry.
Dare I ask how it's going over there?
The finishing line is almost in sight.
Oh, thank goodness.
I don't like you alone with her one iota,
but if it means you're going to be able
to deliver the damn script,
then I can just about tolerate it.
You and I do make a good team, darling.
I'd like us to move our beds back together.
Permanently.
I think if we're going to be separated during the days,
the least we could do is spend our nights together
as, as man and wife.
I should like nothing more.
I'm going to take a walk.
Try to clear my head.
Remember when we used to play hide-and-seek along here?
And your reward when you found me?
Look. Isn't he handsome?
He's magnificent.
He can sense me.
How wonderful not be frightened of the unknown.
You're not frightened, are you, Charles?
Of what?
Falling back in love.
How is that possible when we're existing
on two different planes?
I'm alive, and you're...
Don't. Don't say it.
I'm so sorry, Elvira, there's no easy way to say this.
But I'm struggling to see a future in us.
You know, Charles, when you give someone an eternity ring,
it's supposed to be a love that lasts forever.
Charles?
Charles, watch out!
Damn.
She's dangerous, Charles.
Edna was almost scalped.
And look what happened to Edith.
What are you suggesting?
It's blindingly obvious that Elvira came here
for one purpose and one purpose only.
She came here to have you to herself, forever.
Ow! How?
By killing you off, of course.
That's absurd.
Do you really think the cabinet climbed up
onto the roof and jumped off of its own accord?
Elvira might be prone to temper tantrums,
but she still loves me.
She'd never wish me any harm.
If you were dead, it would be her final triumph over me.
She'd have you all to herself on her beastly astral plane,
and I'd be left high and dry.
She's probably planning some sort of spiritual remarriage.
What are we gonna do?
Yes, the guest's name is Madame Arcati, room 14.
One moment.
I'm sorry, but she left yesterday.
Oh dear. Did she leave any messages?
I'm afraid not.
Thank you.
She checked out yesterday.
Well, there's nothing for it.
I shall have to get myself arrested.
Spend the night locked up in the cells.
No. We just have to create our own
safe place for the night.
Right.
Now, gently does it.
Oh.
Oh, precious.
Herba veneris.
Nature's divine protector.
What are you doing with that?
I've just removed all the heavy
and sharp objects for a reason.
I thought you could keep going with your script
while we're holed up in here.
Ah, umm... I've already finished it.
Well, I thought you said you were struggling.
On reflection, I think I was overthinking
through the whole thing.
I'll give the manuscript a quick read and drive it
over to the studio first thing in the morning.
Oh, Charles, what wonderful news.
Daddy's gonna be over the moon. As am I.
Thank you, darling.
Now we can both focus on banishing Elvira
into oblivion once and for all.
Not a moment too soon.
Two's company. Three's a nightmare.
Nearly there.
Vervain and dill hinder witches from their will.
Charles.
Hello?
Mrs. Condomine, I have news.
Doors are opening, and change is in the air.
This is no time for riddles, Madame Arcati.
We've been urgently trying to contact you.
Charles's life is in grave danger.
Elvira is trying to murder him.
I feared she might become a malevolent spirit.
That's putting it mildly. Where are you?
In Sussex.
I've gathered everything together and now I'm ready.
For what?
Well, to send her back, of course.
Stay put, Madame Arcati. I'll come and collect you.
The telephone woke me.
Apologies if I scared you.
Ah, when Mr. Condomine wakes up, tell him I've gone
to fetch Madame Arcati and I shall be back before lunch.
Madame Arcati... before...
Don't hurt me, I beg you.
You all right in there, Mr. Condomine?
I've never stopped loving you.
Oh.
I don't know what to say, sir.
You have a funny way of showing it, Charles.
I was gonna put your name on the manuscript
before I delivered it this morning, I promise.
That won't be necessary, sir.
I'm a woman, Charles.
We're used to not getting the credit we deserve.
No, I insist. I'll get changed and leave straightaway.
Mrs. Condomine left in the car a while ago.
She said she would be back by lunchtime.
Elvira, what have you done?
♪ There are some things that are out of my control ♪
♪ Like the wind and the rain and the snow ♪
♪ You've completely over-powered my soul ♪
♪ There are some things that are out of my control ♪
♪ You make it summer every day of the year ♪
♪ One glance from you and the clouds disappear ♪
♪ Like forces of nature we were meant to be here ♪
♪ Now this flame in my heart burns for you ♪
♪ There are some things that are out of my control ♪
♪ Passing time, the seasons, growing old ♪
♪ You've completely over-powered my soul ♪
♪ There are some things that are out of my control ♪
Mr. Condomine, I would just like to say that
I reproach myself bitterly.
You are not to blame, Madame Arcati.
The fault lies squarely on my shoulders.
It was my ambition and ego
that dragged us into this unbearable mess.
And that's something I shall have to live with
for the rest of my life.
The last time I spoke with Mrs. Condomine,
your life was in danger.
I urge you to come and see me
at your earliest possible convenience.
Here is my card.
I'll be waiting.
You're not going to stay for refreshments?
Oh, please don't think me rude, but I prefer
to contemplate the passing of a spirit
in my own private way.
My sincerest condolences, Mr. Condomine.
Shouldn't that be congratulations?
What the hell are you doing here?
Have you no shame?
It was an accident, Charles. I was trying to kill you.
How can you be so heartless?
Death does that to you.
You know, you can always tell how well regarded
someone is by the attendance at their funeral.
What's that supposed to mean?
Bit of a poor turnout today, if you ask me.
I barely counted forty people.
That does it.
Come here!
Just like old times, Charles.
Ahh! With you chasing me round the garden!
Only today there's gonna be a different outcome!
Will you excuse me? Of course.
I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Mackintosh.
Ruth was a fine woman, and a good friend.
I'm going to miss her deeply.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradman. I know she was fond of you too.
I can't quite believe she's gone.
My mother always said that time is a physician
that heals every grief.
Ohh!
You never were much of an opponent
on the croquet lawn, Charles.
You repulse me.
I'm going to kill you.
Don't be an imbecile. I'm already dead.
You better fetch your medicinal bag
before someone else gets killed.
Edna was right. This place is cursed.
I can't bear to see you ever again.
The feeling's mutual, Charles.
With age and disappointment, you've become a pompous ass.
Charles, Charles!
Everything's gonna be splendid.
Not while she's here, it won't.
Not while who's here?
Elvira!
Where am I?
In the loony bin.
There's no point in struggling, Charles.
The more you thrash around, the longer they'll keep you in.
Why am I here?
You've been sectioned under the Mental Treatment Act
and held under mandatory observation for the next 28 days.
I hope you rot in hell.
It's not wise to be bad-tempered
with the only person who can help you.
I'd rather eat my own tongue than ask you for help.
Hmm, You might just get to do that.
Dr. McEwan is planning on taking you down the corridor
in 15 minutes for electric shock treatment.
What? Mm.
No! No, come back. Wait.
Of course, there's usually a way
around these things.
What do you want from me?
I know you're never going to forgive me, Charles,
and being stuck in purgatory with you grieving
over another woman is a fate worse than death.
I couldn't agree more.
Which is why I want a divorce.
With pleasure.
And I know just the person who can execute that.
Good.
Oh, move over.
No way I'm putting my life in your hands again.
Don't flatter yourself, Charles.
When I think of what might have happened if I'd succeeded
in getting you to the other side, it makes me shudder.
Nothing but bickering and squabbling for eternity.
Drive.
Looking back on our married years,
I can see now with horrid clarity,
they were nothing but a mockery.
You were feckless, irresponsible,
morally unstable.
I think I realized that before we left Budleigh Salterton.
Nobody but a monumental bore would have thought
of going to Budleigh Salterton for a honeymoon.
What's the matter with Budleigh Salterton?
Seven hours a day on a damn golf course
and a three-piece orchestra playing Merrie England.
I'm surprised you didn't complain at the time.
I remember you being quite good at that.
I did complain.
But you wouldn't listen.
That's why I took a romantic stroll on the moors
with Captain Bracegirdle.
What a blind fool I was.
Did he make love to you?
Only very discretely.
Mr. Condomine. I'm so relieved you've arrived safely.
Follow me.
Tonight the moon is full, and we must harness its power.
We're both ready to perform
the banishment ceremony immediately.
She's here?
Yes.
Are you sure she's amenable to the process?
Yes. Yes.
With this magic smoke I invoke the spirit of moon fire,
dancer of time, mistress of endings and beginnings.
To return our sacred sister to her rightful sphere.
Still here?
Yes. Yes.
To you, the spirit of earth.
To you, the element of air.
To you, the force of water.
To you, the power of fire.
And the gift of enchanter's dew.
She still here?
Yes.
Ghostly specter, ghoul and fiend,
never more be thou convened.
Wolfsbane and holy rite,
banish thee into the night.
Oh, bladderwort, bladderwort.
Bladderwort.
Oh.
Oh yes.
Yes.
And bladderwort.
Ruth.
Ruth?
Darling, I'm so happy to see you again.
Blast. How could I have been such a duffer?
Something must have gone hideously wrong.
Yes, not for the first time.
You hussy.
Darling.
Save yourself the effort. I'm already dead.
And more to the point, so are you.
You popped your clogs last Tuesday.
Don't be so insensitive.
Darling, are you in any pain?
Charles, what happened to me?
There was a car accident.
Which, I have to admit, I had a hand in.
I'm sorry, Ruth.
I'm afraid sorry doesn't quite cut it.
Well, even so, in the spirit of complete openness,
I'd also like to apologies for conducting
an affair with Charles right under your nose.
Well, technically, we are still married, so...
Stop it, Elvira. Ruth has been through quite enough.
What are they saying, Mr. Condomine?
Not now, Madame Arcati.
Things are becoming quite strained.
You know, I should have squeezed malum citrea
at the crucial point.
That's lemon juice. Lemon juice.
The only reason he was able to get through that screenplay
in five days flat is because I wrote it.
Yes...
Charles, is that true?
Not exactly.
And Charles didn't want to tell you we'd finished
because he wanted to spend more time alone with me.
Charles.
Let's not fight, darling.
Which darling are you referring to?
But after everything I put up with,
how could you do that to me?
It's not that straightforward, darlings.
I mean, really, Charles,
you never loved Elvira or me.
The only person that you loved is yourself.
No.
Finally, something we do agree on.
If you wrote the script,
did he write any of those books?
No, not a word.
He took all the glory?
Aren't you staying for the second act?
I think it's best I leave.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Try two of them.
Good luck with the lemons.
Where did he go?
Huh, he can run...
But he can't hide.
Ghostly specter, ghoul or fiend,
never more be thou convened.
Bladderwort, wolfsbane and holy rite,
banish thee into the night.
Donald?
Alright, I'm gonna start with this medium shot here.
Then I'm gonna come a little closer, okay?
Alright, let's have some passion.
Alright, roll camera.
Quiet, please. Quiet, please. Sound running.
- Scene 84, take one.
And action.
Just being close to you, Frank,
I feel as if I'm completely naked.
How do you always manage to see right through me?
That's my job, sweetie.
I just do it.
Cut.
Reset.
I'm not, er... I'm not feeling the last line.
Boy wonder, what else you got?
Uh... wh... uhh...
What about... 'I see things just the way they are.
The rest of the world needs bifocals.'
I love it.
Okay, reset.
Make-up.
I wanna move in closer.
You're a genius, Charles.
Audiences are gonna devour the whole spiritualist angle.
Yes.
Just a shame Ruth isn't here to enjoy it.
Mr. Condomine. Hedda Hopper, Los Angeles Times.
Oh.
Hello.
How does it feel to be the talk of the town?
Oh, that's awfully sweet of you, but I'm not sure
anybody's really interested in the lowly writer.
Oh, I have a hunch that my 35 million readers
will be enthralled by the story of a serial plagiarist.
Plagiarist?
I know you revel in gossip and scandal, Miss Hopper,
but that's a completely outrageous
and unfounded accusation.
There is nothing unfounded about the writ
that Senor Morales is serving.
Would you care to comment on the fact
that your 15 Detective Frank Flowers whodunnits
are based word for word on the Inspector Francisco Flores
crime novels, which are bestsellers across all of Mexico?
Say cheese, Mr. Condomine.
You.
Don't look so shocked, Charles.
You and I both know there's no such thing
as an original story.
How could you?
Can't you just be quiet?
I'm trying to make a picture here.
You scheming little witch.
So much for the famous British charm.
♪ I'll be loving you Always
♪ With a love that's true... ♪
Stop it. Stop it.
♪ Always
Stop it! No.
Your first novel? Greta Garbo speaking my words?
Stop it!
You and I both know there's no such thing
as an original story.
Promise you can't touch her.
I'm a woman, Charles.
We're used to not getting the credit we deserve.
The only person that you loved is yourself.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
You could have killed me.
I just did.
Oh.
Nobody will ever forget you, Charles.
They'll remember what a fraud you were.
Always.
♪ Au revoir, auf wiedersehen
♪ We'll never meet again
♪ Heaven's kinda nice for roaming ♪
Farewell, Mr. Peasbody!
You can't just leave me here.
♪ Off to paradise we're strolling ♪
♪ Hanging off the chandeliers all evening ♪
♪ While you lie in my web of lies you're weaving ♪
Read all about it.
Murdered British crime writer revealed
to be serial plagiarist.
Oh, poor Charles. How dreadful.
It's like a plot from one of his novels.
Or perhaps from someone else's.
Is anybody there?
One knock for yes, two knocks for no.
Yes, I'm here.
Whatever happened to leaving someone to rest in peace?
Mr. Condomine, I simply wanted
to apologize for any part I may have played
in your untimely demise.
You weren't behind the wheel, Madame Arcati.
No, but I fear I may have
put fuel in the tank.
Well, c'est la vie.
I also wanted to express my gratitude.
Without you, I would still be searching.
Well, at least one of us
is enjoying a happy ending.
May I be so bold as to ask
what it's like on the other side?
Charles.
Complicated.
♪ Your hand is on my hand
♪ When I'm putting pen to paper ♪
♪ We're in harmony
♪ Trumpets in a band
♪ Soprano and a tenor
♪ Where you are is where I am
♪ My fellow, isn't it swell to be with me ♪
♪ You were made to stand in the shade ♪
♪ Now you're the notes of my symphony ♪
♪ Our fingers intertwine when I go to paint the picture ♪
♪ We're a vintage wine
♪ The hourglass in the sand
♪ A blessed gin and tonic
♪ Where you are is where I am
♪ I'm the top banana in the greenhouse ♪
♪ I'm the cream on the apple pie ♪
♪ It's hard to be humble when you're genius ♪
♪ Eclipses the stars in the sky ♪
♪ I'm light on my feet, the toast of German Street ♪
♪ I'm the prince of Piccadilly, dear, you'll wanna meet ♪
♪ So if you wanna say ahoy
♪ Swing by the Savoy
♪ I'm the top banana in the greenhouse ♪
♪ I'm a champagne kind of guy
♪ This life flies passed
♪ No time to wait in the shadows ♪
♪ This love might last
♪ For a hit, follow the arrow
♪ I feel the change in the weather ♪
♪ Dark clouds are gathering together ♪
♪ You're the sun that puts the shine in my shoes ♪
♪ Takes away my blues
♪ So let's sing, do I think
♪ Like two birds we belong together ♪
♪ Let's dance, take a chance
♪ Make a moment last forever
♪ Let's dance
♪ I feel a change in the weather ♪
♪ Dark clouds are gathering together ♪
♪ You're the sun that puts the shine in my shoes ♪
♪ And takes away my blues
♪ So let's sing, do I think
♪ Like two birds we belong together ♪
♪ Let's dance, take a chance
♪ Make a moment last forever
♪ Let's dance
♪ Make a moment last forever
♪ Let's dance
♪ Make a moment last forever
♪ Let's dance