辣到冒煙了，黛博拉 Ahh, smokinghot.com/deborah.
美極了，真是美極了 Gorgeous! Gorgeous!
誰快拿根湯匙給我 Someone get me a bloody spoon,
因為我想把你吃光光 'cause I'm eating up what you're serving.
瞧你，真是秀色可餐 Look at that. Yummy.
豔光四射 That's fucking tasty.
給我們五分鐘，好嗎？ Just give us five minutes, OK?
我們要調整下一個佈景 We're just gonna adjust for the next setup.
謝謝 - Whoo! - Thank you.
好，真是太猛了 OK, fierce.
你得教我怎麼那樣拍照 You gotta teach me how to take a photo like that.
縮下巴，雙耳朝前，眼睛向上看 Chin down, ears forward, eyes up.
哼國歌，可以收雙下巴 And hum the national anthem. It keeps the jowls tight.
好，我想我還是說＂來，讓我拍＂ OK, think I'm just gonna stick with,"Here, let me take it."
好，我有好消息 OK. I got great news.
敲定下下週的週五測試 We are officially on the books for your test show
你主持的效果 －太好了 - two weeks from Friday. - Great.
－我們應該根本不用測試 We shouldn't even have to do a test show.
可以來個霸王硬上弓 I mean, I say we force the network's hand.
我可以發推文說 ＂黛博拉確定是主持人了＂ What if I tweeted something like "Deborah got the job"?
如果已經眾所周知 電視網 I mean, the network's never gonna backtrack
不可能說不是你 if it's already out there.
好，這個點子太天才了 OK, that's genius.
凱菈，不要推文，好嗎？ 我們只差臨門一腳 Kayla, do not tweet anything, OK?We are so close to the finish line here.
現在只剩黛博拉 和那個極限運動的傢伙，你知道的 It's down to Deborah and the X Games guy.You know that.
好啦，別著急 - OK, calm your nuts.
－總而言之，現在測試時機正好 －對，時機正好 Anyway, it's perfect timing for the test show because it's exactly
－因為米娜伊拉希的報導那時會登 －對 when the Meena Elahi piece will run. - That's right.
等等，採訪你的記者是米娜伊拉希？ - Wait.Meena Elahi's the journalist you've been talking to?
她超棒的 She's amazing.
她扳倒了好多人 She's taken so many people down.
但你…她會把你捧上天 But you, you, she will lift up.
她要去柏克萊，對吧？ She--she's going to Berkeley, right?
對，她週五會跟你見面 Yep. She's gonna meet you Friday.
整個週末都跟著你 She's gonna be with you the whole weekend.
等等，她週末要去棕櫚泉 Hold on.This weekend is Palm Springs.
不對，黛博拉週末 No, this weekend, Deborah's getting
要獲頒柏克萊的名譽博士學位 her honorary doctorate from Berkeley.
－不對… －對哦… - No. - Yes.
我的行程是不是重疊了？ - No. - Am I double booked?
那個沒有寫在共享的谷歌行事曆裡 看 It--it was not in the shared Google Cal, see?
沒有寫在共享行事曆裡 It was not in the shared Google Cal!
－阿呆，我有傳簡訊給你 －才沒有 I texted you about it, dork.
明明就有，就在… - No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.
要命， - 好吧 It's right--OK, shit. All right.
我是傳給戴米恩水電工 I texted Damien Plumber,
我猜他是我找過的水電工 who I think is a plumber I used,
因為我往上滑 because I'm scrolling up,
就看到堵住的馬桶 and I'm seeing a clogged toilet.
－水落石出了 －我那時生病了，但是… - There it is. - I--I was sick, but you know.
黛博拉，棕櫚泉同志大遊行 你每年都是掛頭牌 Deborah, you headline Palm Springs Pride every year.
今年我們還有凡斯之家的促發活動 And this year, we have the House of Vance activation.
對，但她不能不去柏克萊 Yeah, but she can't miss Berkeley.
那可是大事 It's a huge deal.
紐約客會去採訪 And "The New Yorker's" gonna be there.
促發行動交給你 You're gonna handle the activation.
我去柏克萊 I will go to Berkeley.
再飛回來表演 I'll fly back in time for the show.
－這樣就能兩頭兼顧 And we'll do both.
沒問題的 －好 - It'll be great. - OK.
－好，應該行得通 OK, that can work.
－我們也沒問題 Works for us too, as well.
會很好玩的 It'll be fun.
你可以帶個朋友來 You can bring a friend.
－小黛，我們準備好了 OK, Deb. Ready for you, mama.
－好 OK.
好，開始拍，太美了 All right, let's do it.Sensational.
很好 Oh.Boom.
那是個很讓人興奮激刺的校園 It was just a really exciting and stimulating place to go to school, you know,
尤其那個時候有很多反戰示威和… especially at that time with all the anti-war protests
諸如此類的活動 and that sort of thing.
那棟建築物 Oh, that building there,
是我生平第一次登臺的地方 that is the first place I was ever on stage.
那個堅寶果汁的攤位？ At that Jamba Juice?
那時候是黑箱劇場 Well, it was a blackbox theater then.
但確實是有很多＂水果＂ But there were a lot of fruits!
說錯話了 Oops.
米娜，我想問你 Uh, oh, Meena, I meant to ask you, with this profile,
你會在報導中加入 are you including one of your famous
你著名的漫畫嗎？ caricature illustrations?
我好喜歡那些漫畫 I love those.
我一直想要大頭小身體 I always wanted a giant head and a tiny body.
那是美工部門的事 - Ha! - Well, that's art department.
我管不著 It's not my purview.
米娜，我只想說 Uh, Meena, I just want to say,
我好喜歡你那篇 關於白人 I loved your piece about how white people
中產階級化白人笑話的報導 have gentrified jokes about white people.
我２０１２年就是那樣 So 2012 me.
我也覺得很精彩 I found that fabulous as well.
謝謝 Oh, thank you.
很多白人都很喜歡 我覺得很有意思 A lot of white people liked it, which is interesting.
嗯 Mm. Mm-hmm.
你是黛博拉凡斯嗎？ Yo, are you-- are you Deborah Vance?
－對 Why, yes I am.
－真的嗎？ No cap?
－千真萬確 None at all.
－老兄，我就說吧 Dude, I told you.
你超辣 You're, like, mad cute.
今天來我們兄弟會的派對 Like, you should come to Chi Phi Beta's party tonight.
我們有一桶啤酒 有個房間裡放了和六張沙發 We got a keg and, like, six couches in one room.
我喝果凍酒的日子已經結束了 Uh, I think my Jell-O shot days
不好意思 are behind me, boys--sorry.
改變主意的話跟我說 Well, let me know if you change your mind.
我叫克里斯 My name's Chris,
保證讓你玩得盡興 and I'm trying to show you a good time.
克里斯 Oh, Chris.
我看起來跟他們同年吧？ I could be their age, right?
他那條短褲你有同款 Well, you do own the same shorts.
鬧你的啦 I'm just playing with you!
我愛死她了 - Oh. - Oh.Love this girl.
是啊，我們很要好 Yeah, we're kidding.
是我的鬧鐘 Oh, that's me.
我要去接受 Yeah, I gotta go do that interview
大學電臺的採訪 at the college radio station.
米娜，我很想找你一起去 Meena, I'd ask you to tag along,
但又不希望 你因為 but I don't want you to get jealous,
我跟別的記者談而嫉妒 me talking to another reporter.
你覺得嫉妒在你人生中 扮演了很重要的角色嗎？ Would you say jealousy plays a big role in your life?
並沒有 No.
好，那就晚點見了 Um, OK, I'll see you guys.
我去食堂看看 I'm gonna hit the dining hall.
我可以跟你去嗎？ Hey, do you mind if I tag along?
也許我們可以聊聊？ Maybe we could talk?
－好啊，沒問題 Oh, um, yeah, sure.
－太好了 Great.
特輯推出後 So yeah, after the special came out,
我就離開去洛城了 I left and went to LA.
所以你離開後又回來了？ Oh, so you left and then you came back?
我只是暫時回來 Well, I'm just here temporarily.
黛博拉放我找別的工作 Deborah freed me to pursue other work.
－＂放你＂ Freed you?
聽起來好像囚犯 Sounds like you were her prisoner.
－不是… Oh, no. No.
她這樣做很好，很無私 It was actually really cool and selfless of her.
她鞭策我 I mean, she pushed me,
所以我才會去 ＂反而言之＂工作 and that led to me getting a job at "On The Contrary."
我現在是共同製作人 I'm co-producer now.
若報導刊登前，我的職稱又往上調了 Oh, but if I get a title bump before this goes to print,
要怎麼聯絡你？ how would I get in touch?
寫電郵給你還是…？ Shoot you an email or...
可以私下聊兩句嗎？ Can we get off the record here a sec?
好啊 Sure.
聽著，艾娃，我沒什麼圖謀 Look, Ava, I don't have an agenda here.
我寫報導時不會有預設立場 I don't go into a piece with an angle,
我想如實呈現黛博拉 and I want to portray Deborah
複雜的真實面貌 as the complicated person she is.
但是我查到的很多資訊都顯示 But a lot of what I've found out about her
幫她工作並不容易 does indicate she is not the easiest person to work for.
你跟聖誕小精靈談過了？ Did you talk to the elves?
－什麼？ －什麼 - What? - What?
沒事，我也不知道… No, I don't--I don't know.
我問過一位美髮師 Uh, I talked to a hairdresser
他因為結婚，所以要請假 who requested time off for his wedding,
但黛博拉說不保證會保留他的職位 but Deborah couldn't guarantee his job
因為她說她＂無法預測市場＂ because she "couldn't predict the market."
對 是這樣的 Yeah, um... look.
黛博拉有時確實很嚴厲 Deborah can be tough, for sure.
但這是因為她對自己 But that's 'cause she has really high standards
和別人的要求都很高 for herself and everyone else.
但如果你能滿足那些要求… But if you can meet those standards,
她絕對不會虧待你 she'll take care of you.
明白 OK.
你覺得娜歐蜜佛萊會喜歡我嗎？ Do you think Naomi Fry would like me?
是＂諾蜜＂，所以… It's "Nomi," so...
＂諾蜜＂…諾言甜如蜜，好 "Nomi.""Nomi," get to know me. OK.
－真的會死掉 But all sales are electronic,
所以… －當然 and so we cannot accept quarters.
你沒問題的 Thank you, king.
洗手間的坐浴盆打動了我的心 OK, that clip-on bidet in the bathroom turned me out,
我們得買一個 - 明白 - so I will be needing one. - Got it.
聽著，我工作時 你不用留在這裡 Listen, you don't have to stay here while I'm working.
我可以結束後再去找你 I can meet you afterward.
這裡還滿好玩的 It's actually kind of fun.
嘿 -你好 - Hey. - Hi.
黛博拉能在我這瓶芬芬上簽名嗎？ Would Deborah sign my bottle of Fen-Phen?
這瓶是我１９９０年代買的 那時她還是代言人 I've had it since the '90s from when she used to sell it.
就我記憶所及 To the best of my recollection,
黛博拉沒有賣過芬芬 Deborah never sold Fen-Phen and is therefore
所以不用為你可能有或可能沒有的 not liable for any cardiovascular complications
心血管併發症或疾病負責 or issues you may or may not have experienced.
很不幸的，她今天沒有來 And unfortunately, she's not here today.
－什麼？ －糟糕 - What? - Oh, no.
辦這個活動的目的 I thought the whole fucking point was that this was
不就是來現場買東西 a shoppable house and she was gonna be here
然後讓她在上面簽名嗎？ to sign anything that we purchased.
我知道，這是我提出來的企劃 I know. It was my idea.
再度向各位致歉 And again, my apologies.
但如果明天來看表演的話 But if you come to the show tomorrow,
我會讓她在結束後辦簽名會 I'm making sure she does a signing session afterward.
那時候我會吃安眠藥 I'm gonna be on G then,
那個樣子不能見她 and I don't want to meet her like that.
你不能不吃安眠藥嗎？ Can't you just not do G?
不行 No.
同志遊行日快樂 Happy Pride.
我代替他向你道歉 Yeah, sorry about him.
但我們應該會去王牌玩 But I think we're gonna go to the Ace
要來嗎？ if you want to come.
哦 Oh.
我是來工作的，但是謝謝你的邀約 I'm--I'm actually here for work, but thank you.
明白，好 Yeah, OK.
那改天 Maybe next time.
－祝你工作開心 －也祝你玩得開心 - Have fun. - Yeah, you too.
小心 Watch out.
如果你要我負責控制平板 If you need me to run the iPad
讓你去勾搭男人… so you can go catch a dick,
－不要… －拜託告訴我一聲 - please let me know. - No. No. No.
我不能做這種事 - Ooh. - I can't go there.
我不能勾搭黛博拉的粉絲 I do not hook up with Deborah fans.
太奇怪了 It's--it's too weird.
也對，兔子不吃窩邊草 Mm, right. Don't shit where you eat ass.
說得對 Exactly.
我忘了無限追加有多爽 Forgot the beauty of unlimited refills.
我最愛冷凍乾燥的水果 懂我的意思嗎？ Love a freeze-dried fruit, you know what I mean?
我有男朋友 I have a boyfriend.
好 OK.
如果要在邊界放水 What?If we're gonna leave water at the border
給這些人喝 for these people, we might as well
不如也放幾本英西字典 leave Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.
同輩們，你們在看什麼？ Hey, hey, my peers. What you watching?
－看一個脫口秀喜劇演員 Uh, this stand-up.
黛博拉凡斯 －我好喜歡她 - Deborah Vance. - Love her.
好像有人把她的 種族歧視 I guess someone made a supercut
笑話剪接成合集了 of all her shitty, racist jokes.
－什麼？ What?
－柏克萊，這是你們的女生嗎？ Hey, Berkeley, is this your girl?
在美國售出的車輛中 有一大部分是在亞洲做的 A majority of cars sold in America are made in Asia.
亞洲人做汽車？ Asians making cars?
簡直像波蘭人做電燈泡一樣 That's like Polish people making light bulbs.
－要死了 －天啊，她好差勁 - Shit. - Oh, my God, she sucks.
他們要頒發名譽學位給她 實在太過分了 So fucked up they're giving her an honorary degree.
是啊 Right?
好惡毒… Mm, nasty, nasty stuff.
但我聽說她的新笑話很不錯 I heard the new stuff is good, though, randomly.
是在哪裡聽說的呢？ Where did I--yeah.
那裡面有沒有開明女性主義的笑話？ There--was any of the, like, progressive,feminist stuff in there, or no?
－沒有 －沒有… - No. - No, no.
後面應該會有 I think they have that coming.
她現在都講這種的 She's doing that.
請恕我失陪 That's--but would you guys excuse me?
我絕對不是保守主義者 Oh, well, I certainly wasn't conservative,
但也不喜歡跟嬉皮住在一起 but I didn't love living with hippies.
－不過苜蓿芽沙拉很不錯 However, I do love a good alfalfa sprout.
－黛博拉 Hey, Deborah!
抱歉，可以借一步說話嗎？ Sorry, can I just grab you for a second?
我有講稿的問題要問你 Just want to ask you something about your speech.
抱歉，是公事 Sorry. Work thing.
請恕我們失陪一下 Please excuse us for-- for a minute.
你是怎麼回事？ What is the matter with you?
－有人在嗎… Hello? Hello? Hello?
快來 －你在做什麼 - OK, come on. - What are you doing?
放手 - 聽我說 - Let go of me. - Hey, listen to me.
有個小問題 So little problem.
有人把你以前那些問題笑話 Someone made a supercut of some of your
做成大全集 more problematic older material,
開始在網路上傳開來了 and it's gaining traction, and apparently,
顯然有些學生 打算在你的學位典禮上抗議 some students are planning to protest your ceremony.
好，是哪個弱勢團體在不爽？ OK, which minority group is upset?
好，你得問這個問題顯然很不妙 OK, not great that you have to ask that.
而且我想＂弱勢＂這個詞 And also, I don't think "minority"
已經不再恰當了 is the proper term anymore.
－那要叫他們什麼？ －不行，不能說＂他們＂ - What are they called? - No, don't say "they."
－我以為現在大家都是＂他們＂了 Oh, I thought everybody was "they" now!
－不對，那是另一回事 No, that's a different thing.
好吧 OK, just--
天啊 時機真是太不湊巧了 oh, God, this is just the worst possible timing.
要你為自己行為負起責任嗎？ For you to be held accountable for your actions?
對 Yes!
我離我夢想中的工作 只剩下最後一步了 I am inches away from my fucking dream job.
只是這樣算不錯了 Hey, I think you're getting off pretty easy, OK?
幸虧莎莎嘉寶的笑話只出了錄影帶 You're lucky that Zsa Zsa Gabor shit is only available on VHS.
那是典型的蕩婦羞辱 I mean, it was textbook slut-shaming.
她就是蕩婦啊 Well, she was a slut.
我的天…是蕩婦也沒關係 Oh, my--well, and that's-- but that's fine.
我的天啊，好，聽著 Oh, God. OK, look.
我們得把這件事壓下來 Just--we gotta squash this.
大概吧 I guess.
－或是你可以道個歉 Or you could just apologize.
－不行 Uh, no.
黛博拉，看些笑話真的不好 Deborah, the jokes weren't great.
換做是現在的你絕對不會說的 You wouldn't do them today.
不行，絕對不能為笑話道歉 No. You never apologize for a joke.
我是喜劇演員 I'm a comedian.
我那時候也只是在工作 I was just doing my job.
好… OK, OK.
只有某些學生不爽，對吧？ Look, it's just some of the students, right?
－對 Yeah.
－好… OK, OK.
我只要在校園 Then all I have to do is, you know,
討好其他學生 curry favor on campus with the other students.
壓倒那些異議分子 You know, drown out the dissenters.
讓弱勢族群的聲音成為弱勢 Make the minority voices a minority.
那個會被剪進大全集 That could go right in the supercut.
我有辦法了 I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
今晚咱們去兄弟會的派對 We will go to that fraternity party tonight.
我會帶補給品過去 I'll buy them supplies.
而且會應邀參加學生的 And I will do that student improv show
即興演出 that I was invited to do.
這是為自己加分的大好機會 It's the perfect opportunity to make myself look good.
是這樣的，黛博拉 OK.Deborah,
即興演出從來沒有 為任何人加過分，好嗎？ improv has never made anyone look good, OK?
把這句話寫下來 Write that down.
（歡迎蒞臨凡斯之家）
（黛博拉凡斯之酒鬼掃除祕訣）
－吉米 Jimmy.
－抱歉我得小聲講 Hey, sorry I have to be a little bit quiet.
我在癌症中心 I'm in a cancer center.
等等要跟做化療的客戶對詞 I'm about to run lines with a client who's getting chemo.
他爭取到在ＣＷ節目中 He booked a role, which is cool.
演出的機會，這是好消息 It's on the CW show.
希望會再出現 We hope it's gonna recur.
我指的是角色 不是癌症 The role, not the cancer.
－好 OK.
－我首先要再度 So first, I just wanted to call
為凱菈的事道歉 and apologize again about Kayla.
我很嚴厲地訓了她一頓 I gave her a stern talking to.
她從頭到尾都戴著耳機，但我試過了 She was wearing earbuds the whole time, but I tried.
我還能做什麼呢？ You know, what else can I do?
我也要跟你說電視網覺得 I also wanted to let you know about something
黛博拉的銷售活動有問題 the network flagged about Deborah's merchandising deals.
－什麼意思？ What do you mean?
－電視網當然非常保護 Obviously, they're extremely protective
自己的廣告主 of their advertisers,
他們擔心如果黛博拉當了主持人 and they're concerned that if Deborah were to become host,
可能會成為競爭商品的門面 she might be the face of a competing product,
不論是一次性合約 還是任何購物臺的商品 whether that be through a one-off deal or anything on QVC.
哇 Wow.
好吧 OK.
可能只是雷聲大雨點小 And obviously, that might not even be an issue,
但我還是想先讓你知道，以防萬一 but I just wanted to give you the heads-up in case.
謝謝你，吉米 And I appreciate that, Jimmy.
－我現在很忙 I actually have my hands full over here,
就先講到這裡吧 so I'm gonna have to jet.
－好，沒問題 OK. Cool.
祝你有個好玩，安全 又充滿＂同＂趣的週末 Well, have a fun, safe, and very queer weekend.
謝謝 Thank you.
請各位注意一下 All right, everyone, may I have your attention, please?
我們要提早結束促發活動 We will be ending the activation a little bit early.
這現在正式成為續攤派對了 This is now the official afterparty.
請大家告訴大家 Tell all your friends.
音樂太大聲點 Turn up the music.
－我要酒 －來了 A drink. A drink.
－謝謝 Thank you.
－沒問題 Got you.
哦 Oh.
－好喔 －我還需要８杯 - All right. - I need eight more.
東西不要隨地亂丟 Don't throw things on the floor.
－我答應表演… －怎樣？ -I promised to perform... - What?
你們好啊 Hello?
凡斯小姐，真是太榮幸了，我是贊德 Ms. Vance, it is such an honor.
－贊德，你好 －這是不可思議的麥蒂 - I'm Zed. - Hi, Zed.
－愛交際的葛瑞 －幸會 And this is Marvelous Maddie, Gregarious Greg,
歡樂約翰，酷利歐卡洛琳 Jolly John, Coolio Caroline,
低級瑞恩和瀆神莎拉 Raunchy Rain, and Sacrilegious Sarah.
好的 OK.
－你有過即興演出的經驗嗎？ You done improv before?
－沒有 - 完全不成問題 - No. - Totally fine.
基本的運作如下 So how this is gonna work is basically,
我們會請觀眾提出建議 we're gonna get a suggestion from the audience,
你再根據觀眾的建議講一個故事 and then you're gonna tell a story
我們會根據這個故事 based on that suggestion,
即興編排一些場景 and then we're gonna improvise scenes based on that story.
歡迎你隨時加入，跟我們同樂 And feel free to jump in and join the fun at any time.
－真好玩 Fun.
－等你準備好，我們就開始熱身 So whenever you're ready, we'll warm up.
好，非常好… OK. Great, great.
我馬上過去 I'll just be right there.
好 OK.
他們要求觀眾提出建議時 When they ask for audience suggestions,
我要你說＂兒童愛滋病＂ I want you to say "pediatric AIDS."
－什麼？ What?
－我要你大叫＂兒童愛滋病＂ I want you to yell "pediatric AIDS."
這樣我可以當著米娜的面 談我做的慈善 See, this way I can talk about my charity work
又不會讓人覺得在自我吹噓 in front of Meena without sounding self-aggrandizing.
你只要幫我做球就好 You just gotta set me up.
來，幫我拿包包 OK, here. Take my purse.
不要偷用我的口紅 And do not use my lipstick.
我知道你想用逆向心理學 I know you're using reverse psychology
讓我塗口紅 to get me to wear lipstick.
我想說值得一試 Well, it was worth a shot.
－你玩過大屁股嗎？ Oh, have you played Big Booty before?
－沒有耶 完全沒問題 - Can't say as I have. - Totally fine.
我們做一下＂有思意＂練習，有 Uh, we'll just do a little Zip Zap Zop.
－意 －思 - Zip. - Zap.
－有 －意 - Zop. - Zip.
思 Zap.
答案是＂不行＂ The answer is no.
即興演出的重點是 試著不要說＂不行＂ OK, so the thing with improv is we try not to say no.
而是說＂對，而且…＂ 因為即興演出就是要傾聽 Instead we say "yes and" 'cause improv's all about
並尊重其他即興演出的演員 listening and respecting your fellow improvisers, so...
有沒有別的熱身練習？ Well, are there any other warm-ups maybe we could try?
有啊 Oh, yeah.
８，７，６，５ ４，３，２，１ Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
６，５，４，３，２，１ Six, five, four, three, two, one.
３，２，１ ３，２，１… Three, two, one, three, two, one, three, two, one.
農場 Farm!
手別碰我的公主 Take your hands off my princess!
－我的媽呀 －蠻荒大西部 - Arr, shiver me timbers. - Wild Wild West.
好… OK. OK. OK! OK!
你好 High.
夏令營 Camp.
你好，夏令營 High camp Ba Da Da!
黛博拉，你至於嗎？ Deborah, is it worth it?
你至於嗎… Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
你至於嗎…、至於嗎… Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
各位，我們是熊熊劇團 你們今天晚上好嗎？ OK, everybody. We are Bearprov. How you feeling tonight?
請熱烈歡迎我們的客座獨白者 和喜劇界傳奇人物 OK, make some noise for our guest monologist
－黛博拉凡斯 －我愛你 and comedy legend, Deborah Vance!
哇哦 Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
耶！ Yeah!
好，請各位給我一個建議 OK, I just need a suggestion.
－問題喜劇演員 －鳳梨 - Problematic comedian. - Pineapple.
愛滋病 Oh, AIDS.
我聽到鳳梨 I heard pineapple.
鳳梨 Pineapple.
鳳梨讓我想到另一個敏感議題 Pineapple reminds me of another prickly subject--
兒童愛滋病 pediatric AIDS.
-你好 -你好 - Hey. - Hey.
這已經比即興演出好玩了 This is already better than improv.
１個人５塊錢 Ooh, uh, 5 bucks each.
好，這是我，她 OK, this is for me, her,
和所有在後面排隊的人的入場費 and everybody in line behind us!
黛博拉凡斯熱愛狂歡 Deborah Vance loves to party.
謝謝，他們是跟我們來的 來吧，各位 Thank you. Oh, and they're with us too.
沒問題 Come on, fellas.
小心 Hi. Hi. Oh, watch out.
你媽來了 哈 Your mother's here. Ha.
看看是誰大駕光臨了 Look who fucking came.
黛博拉凡斯 - 你好 - Deborah fucking Vance. - Ooh, hi.
你好美 You look amazing.
－這是我朋友艾娃 This is my friend Ava.
－你好 Oh, hey, cool. What's up?
你今晚要喝什麼？ What are you drinking tonight, huh?
来吧 Come on.
走，走，走 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
黛博拉 - Go, Deborah! - Yeah!
走，走 Go, go, go, go, go.
－誰想叫披薩，我請客 －萬歲 Who wants to order pizza? On me!
要不要乾脆叫帕尼斯外賣？ Or should we just say fuck it and order Chez Panisse?
不要，還是叫披薩… No, no, no. Pizza, pizza.
我明天的學位典禮你們可要來啊 I hope to see you at my ceremony tomorrow.
你覺得我幾歲？ How old do you think I am?
我有男朋友 I have a boyfriend.
超愛 Love it.
我喜歡 I love it.
－扶住我的假髮 －好 Hold my wig. All right.
喝… Chug, chug, chug, chug,
喝…喝 chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
我知道你們４個人快畢業了 I know all four of you are graduating,
所以要學點葡萄酒的知識 so you need to learn about wines.
有布魯奈羅 There's Brunello.
有芭芭萊斯科 There's Barbaresco.
再來是意大利紅酒之王，巴羅洛 And then there's the king of Italian reds, Barolo.
很順口吧？ Huh? Nice mouthfeel, right?
順不順口克里斯最懂了 You know, Chris knows a little something
是吧？ about mouthfeel, huh?
太好了… Oh, oh! Yes! Yes!
我們都會開玩笑，是吧？ See? We all make jokes, right?
哦，哦 Ooh! Oh.
是吉米，小吉米 It's Jimmy on the phone. Jimmy Junior.
他是緯度公司的人 He used to be with Latitude.
非常專業 He's very good.
－經紀人大人來電了 Hey, it's our manager!
－吉米 Jimmy!
這… Oh, gosh.
這裡沒有人，好，吉米 There's nobody in there. OK, Jimmy.
抱歉這麼晚打電話給你 I'm sorry for the late-night call,
但是電視網出事了 but something's going on at the network,
－他們取消了你的測試 and they canceled your test show.
－什麼？－對 - What? - Yeah.
－天殺的 不可能，為什麼？ - Fuck. - No. No. Why?
他們有說為什麼嗎？ 我不知道 - Did they say why? - I don't know.
可能是好幾個人 It could be because of this supercut
寄給我的那個大全集 a bunch of people have sent to me.
但我正在查 But I'm trying to get to the bottom of it,
一有答案馬上告訴你 and I'll call you as soon as I do.
好，知道原因後馬上告訴我 OK, call-- call me as soon as you know.
對，我剛剛就說了 Yeah, I just said I would.
再查一下我吃艾蒙豆腐 幫我擺平的 And then get me the info for that crisis PR woman
那個女公關的電話 I used when I groped Elmo.
據我所知 你沒有 OK, to the best of my knowledge,
吃任何芝麻街人物的豆腐 you did not grope any "Sesame Street" characters.
但我會把珍娜的電話傳給你，好嗎？ But yeah, I'll send you Jana's info, OK?
－打給我 Call me!
－好，我會的，再見 OK. I'll call you. Bye.
竟然在這個節骨眼發生這種事 Can't believe this is happening now!
是啊，時機真的很不湊巧 I know. It's really bad timing.
我終於有了一丁點重要性 I finally get an ounce of relevance.
眼看就要成功 I'm this close.
而他們又想奪走這一切 And they just want to take it away from me again.
我也不想這麼說 I'm--I'm sorry to say this,
但你不是這裡唯一的受害者 but, I mean, you're not the only victim here.
是嗎 Oh? Oh, really?
另一個是誰？ Who's the other victim?
某個因為笑話而不爽的人嗎？ Someone who was offended by a joke?
－是好多個笑話 －抱歉 - Many jokes. - I'm sorry.
現代人太容易被冒犯了 People are too easily offended now.
如果不喜歡我的笑話，不要笑就好了 If you don't like a joke, don't laugh!
他們沒有笑啊 They're not.
這簡直是發神經 This is insane.
我耶 我居然被自由派暴民下架了 Me! I'm being taken down by a liberal mob.
我可是第一個因在電視上講墮胎二字 Me, who was the first person to be fined by the FCC
而被聯邦通訊委員會開罰的人 for saying the word "abortion" on TV!
為什麼對我窮追猛打？ - Why come after me? - Hey, hey.
－這不是對你個人的價值評判 This is not a value judgment on your entire being.
－真的嗎？ Oh, really?
他們只是因為 They're--they're just upset
你犯的某些錯誤而不高興 about some mistakes you made.
是我說的笑話 Jokes I made.
那時大家都說這種笑話 Jokes that everybody was doing at the time.
對，那些笑話傷人又差勁 Yes, and the jokes were hurtful and shitty.
這兩件事並不衝突 Both things can be true.
你因為說笑話而名利雙收 You get to be rich and famous for making jokes,
而人們有權對那些笑話做出反應 and people are allowed to have their reactions to them.
為什麼不能發揮你的喜劇長才 I mean, why not use your comedian brain
克服你的怒氣 to fight through your defensiveness
跳脫自己思考？ and think outside of yourself?
優秀的喜劇演員不都是這樣嗎？ Isn't that what good comics do?
你為什麼不道歉算了？ Why don't you just apologize?
不行 No.
絕對不能為笑話道歉 Never apologize for a joke.
對，這句話你說了好幾遍 但是為什麼不行？ Yeah, you keep saying that, but why not?
－因為… Because...
－誰在裡面？ you just don't, OK?
－好理由 Good one.
－反正就是不可以，好嗎？ Besides, if I apologize,
而且道歉只會火上加油 it'll just add fuel to the fire.
－黛博拉 Deborah--
－我沒辦法覺醒 I can't be woke.
我精疲力盡了 好 - I'm exhausted! - OK.
我知道這感覺像是世界末日 I know this feels like the end of the world,
但真的不是 but it really isn't.
沒有人會真的被取消 No one's actually canceled.
少訓我 Don't you lecture me.
我早在這個名詞出現之前就被取消了 I was canceled before there was even a name for it.
當這事發生在有權有勢的男人身上時 They only gave it a name after
才有了＂取消＂這個名稱 it started happening to powerful men.
問題是我沒有時間 Problem is, I don't have the time
到歐洲去避風頭 to go to Europe and wait it out.
我已經沒有時間了 I don't have any time!
更沒有時間站在這裡 And I certainly don't have the time to stand here
跟你辯論 debating it with you.
我在樓下有一瓶巴羅洛在醒酒 I have a Barolo decanting downstairs.
黛博拉，我只是認為你該道歉 Deborah, I just think apologizing is the right thing to do.
有人吗？ Hello?
你評斷是非很簡單 It's so easy for you to say what's right or wrong.
但事情永遠沒有這麼單純 It's never that simple.
－總有一天你會明白的 One day, you'll understand that.
－拜託開門 Can someone open the door?
好耶 Nice.
該起床了 Up, up, up, up!
今天又是美好的一天… Time to get up. The day looks fabulous!
起床，起床 Up, up, up, up--
联系人 Contacts...
黛，黛… D, D, D, D, D.
黛博拉 Deborah.
－黛博拉… Deborah, yes.
－你在做什麼？ What are you doing?
－你在偷看我的手機？ Are you going through my phone?
－沒有 Nope.
７２５８４０３９２ 725840392...
天啊，你在背黛博拉的電話號碼？ Oh, my God, are you trying to memorize Deborah's number?
－７２５８４０３９２ 3972584...
－２２，１９ ３，別說了… - 22, 19, 500. - Stop. Stop it.
７２５８… －５００，７５０００ - 25,600-- - No, 725--
－不是，７２５８… －６００，６７５３０ 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 99.
－５…拜託你別說了 －９９，７，圈圈，聊天 - Stop! Please, just stop. - Seven, purple--
為什麼要這樣害我？ Why are you ruining this for me?
所以我才不勾搭小黛比 This is why I don't hook up with Little Debbies.
哦 Oh.
你是禽獸，這個床單的密度 You're a monster.
也絕對不是８００支，再見 And there is no way that these are 800 thread count sheets.
你這個小賤人 - Goodbye. - Oh, you little bitch.
我的天啊 Oh, my God!
我再也不喝酒了 I'm never drinking again.
凡斯小姐 Ms. Vance.
我是院長辦公室的葛洛莉亞 Hi. Gloria from the dean's office.
哦。你好 -你好 - Oh, hi. - Hi.
很抱歉 Um, I am so sorry,
但是我們必須取消今天的典禮 but we are going to have to cancel the ceremony.
什麼，為什麼？ What? Why?
有幾個團體打算抗議 There are a number of groups that are planning on protesting
你在網上流傳的一段影片 due to a video of your material that's been circulating.
這還是我第一次聽說這件事 Well, this is the first I'm hearing of this.
萊斯事件後 After the Condoleezza Rice incident,
我們發現最好取消 we realized it was better to cancel
以避免發生暴力衝突 to avoid any potential violence.
聰明，她可能會殺人 Smart. She might kill someone.
我們還是要頒發學位給你 We do still plan to offer you the degree,
只是要擇期舉辦 just in a closed-door ceremony.
不公開的儀式 At some point.
真是好極了 Fantastic.
還有你受邀參加學生聯盟 Also, you have been invited to a town hall
明天主辦的市民大會 being hosted by a coalition of students tomorrow.
你想去的話可以去 You can go if you like.
正好可以聽聽他們的不滿 Could be a good opportunity to hear their grievances.
再次向你致歉 Again, I'm so sorry.
不知道，出席市民大會 可能是個好主意 I don't know, town hall could be a good idea.
絕對不要 Absolutely not.
我今天早上 跟我的危機女公關談過了 I spoke to my crisis PR woman this morning.
－她說不要做任何回應 －好… She said do not engage at all.
拜託不要對我大呼小叫 OK, OK. Please, stop yelling at me.
我宿醉太嚴重，沒法跟你辯 I'm too hungover to argue.
－黛博拉 Deborah.
－我去不了同志遊行了 I'm not gonna make it to Pride.
－什麼？ What?
－不，現在事情太多了 No, no, there's just too much going on.
顯然我得保持低調 And you know, apparently, I need to lay low.
好，但我跟２００名男同志說你會來 All right, I told, like, 200 gay men you were coming.
沒事的，他們會釋懷的 It's fine. They'll get over it.
錯了，他們不會釋懷 No, they won't, actually.
我跟你說過這很重要 I told you this was important.
馬可斯，我現在不想受這種氣 Marcus, I do not need this right now.
－這個週末根本是… This weekend has been a--
－我不想聽 I don't want to hear it.
好嗎，我要你聽我說 但你當然不會聽 OK, I want you to hear me, but of course you don't,
因為你從來不聽我說 because you don't fucking listen.
算了 You know what? Forget it.
我會取消的，再見 I'll cancel. Bye.
－我可以拿個檸檬嗎？ －請便 - Can I grab a lemon? - Go for it.
嘿 Oh, hey.
黛博拉沒辦法幫你簽名 Deborah's not gonna be able to sign anything.
她不來了 She's not coming at all.
真的嗎？ Really?
同志遊行她從來不會缺席 She never misses Pride.
也不能怪她 Well, can't blame her.
她今年夠嗆的了 She's had a hell of a year.
為這個乾一杯 Cheers to that.
你可以怪她的 You can kind of blame her.
你還好嗎？ You OK?
我不認識你 I mean, I don't know you.
也許你天生就是這麼暴躁 This could be your personality.
我好生氣 I'm just pissed off.
她虧欠我們這麼多 She owes us so much,
現在又再度讓所有人失望 and she's letting everyone down, again.
這很正常 Well, this is what happens.
你不能因為現在粉絲變多 就不再當她的粉絲了 You can't stop being a fan now that she's got more of them.
我們比別人更早愛她 We loved her before anybody else did,
她也比別人更早愛我們 and she loved us before anybody else did.
這是很重要的 That's not nothing.
只是我們現在必須跟別人分享她 We--we just have to share her now.
－這不會讓你生氣嗎？ But doesn't that make you mad?
不會 No.
這只表示我們看人的眼光很準 It just means we were right all along.
不會有人比我們更瞭解黛博拉 But nobody's ever gonna know Deborah like we do.
她是倖存者，跟我們一樣 She's a survivor, like us.
她永遠只為自己著想 所以你說得沒錯 Well, she's always looking out for herself, so yeah.
你知道嗎，我第一次看到她時 You know, first time I saw her,
她在保齡球館演出 she was performing at a bowling alley.
那時候她剛離婚，但她卻能幽默以待 It was right after the divorce, but she was so funny about it.
我快笑死了 And I--I was howling.
那時她在人生的低谷 She was at rock bottom,
但是一副睥睨天下的氣勢 but somehow, it felt like she was on top of the world.
她我覺得我也能爬上巔峰 She made me feel like I could be on top, like--
覺得我也能笑看 like I could laugh at all the...
發生在自己身上那些悲傷的事 sad things that were happening to me too.
我第一次看到她的時候 Yeah, when I first saw her,
我父親剛剛過世 my dad had just died.
我很遺憾 I'm sorry.
我很高興你沒有覺得自己被丟下 Well, I'm glad you don't feel left behind.
有時候被丟下是件好事 Sometimes, left behind is good.
雪兒５５歲時 才寫了她的專輯＂相信＂ Cher wrote the "Believe" album at 55.
她那年有來同志大遊行嗎？ Did she show up at Pride that year?
沒有，但我們有了那張專輯 No.But we got the "Believe" album.
有時候放手會帶來 Sometimes good things come from letting go.
美好的結果 And letting go is actually
放手其實是＂相信＂專輯中 那首＂堅強＂的主題 the theme of "Strong Enough" from the "Believe" album.
打起精神來吧 Snap out of it!
請在嗶聲後留言 At the tone, please record your message.
羅伊，我是馬可斯 Roy, it's Marcus.
聽到留言後請打電話給我 Give me a call when you get this.
我下週會去購物台 I'll be coming to QVC next week,
想跟你談談 and I'd like to talk.
如果要在邊界放水給這些人喝 If we're gonna leave water at the border for these people,
不如也放幾本 we might as well leave
英西字典 Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.
湯瑪斯在安妮塔希爾的 Clarence Thomas put a pubic hair
可樂罐上放了一根陰毛 on Anita Hill's can of Coca-Cola,
我覺得好噁心 which I find disgusting.
她應該喝健怡可樂才對 She should be drinking Diet Coke.
一個美國職籃球員 跟６０００個女人… An NBA player had sex with 6,000...
好，我們開始吧 All right, let's all begin.
謝謝各位光臨 Thank you for joining us.
共享這個理念的市場 Sharing this marketplace of ideas, right.
你是我外交政策的來賓嗎？ Hey, are you in my foreign policy section?
不是，但是… 天啊 No, but oh, my God,
你這句話 對我的意義太重大了 I cannot tell you how much that means to me.
我有女朋友了 I have a girlfriend.
什麼？ What?
天啊，你們怎麼全都有主了 Damn. Y'all are wifed up.
－女士，拜託一下 Uh, ma'am, please.
我們要開始了 －抱歉 - Let's get started. - Sorry.
這不是公開鞭刑 Now, this isn't a public flogging.
而是一場對話承認傷害 This is a dialogue for acknowledging harm
和培養同理心 and fostering empathy.
但首先…黛博拉，你要先開始嗎？ But first, Deborah, would you like to start us off?
好 Sure.
謝謝各位的光臨 Thank you for coming.
我準備了一篇講稿 I--I had a speech prepared,
但我想該說的不只是解釋 but I think I owe you more than my explanations.
我真的很抱歉 I am sorry.
我看了以前那些笑話 覺得很不好意思 I looked back at those jokes, and I'm embarrassed.
我希望能捐贈一座圖書館 I wish I could donate a library
或是請大家吃冰淇淋什麼的 or buy you all ice cream or something.
讓這一切都消失於無形 Make it all go away.
但是我做不到 But I can't.
對吧？ Right?
好… OK, um...
我想我就聽你們說好了 I think I'll just listen.
因為我說的已經夠多了 Because I've said enough.
而且老實說… And to be totally honest,
－我真的很怕說錯話 I'm really afraid of saying the wrong thing.
－很好 Good.
那好 OK, then.
現在開放發言 Let's open up the floor.
有人想分享嗎？ Would anyone like to share?
穿條紋毛衣那位 You in the striped sweater.
你好嗎，黛博拉？ What's up, Deborah?
你不認識我，但是 You don't know me, but we actually
我們有個共同點 have some stuff in common.
那就是都對９１１很執迷 We're both obsessed with 9/11.
對 Yeah.
９１１至少給了你２０分鐘 You got about 20 minutes' worth
關於頭巾佬和恐怖份子的笑話 of raghead and terrorist jokes out of it,
而我們家則是被騷擾 and what my family got was harassed.
９１１是我手肘粗糙的原因 9/11's the reason my elbow's ashy.
因為運輸安全管理局 還一直在沒收我的乳液 'Cause TSA still confiscates my lotion.
是這樣的，我甚至不是阿拉伯人 Here's the thing. I'm not even Arab.
我們家來自旁遮普省 My family's Punjabi.
雖然當你發現種族主義者 So on the one hand, it does take the edge off
這麼蠢時 會鬆一口氣 when you realize how dumb racists really are.
但你又會忍不住想叫他們 But on the other, it's like, damn, dudes,
買個有世界地圖的 buy a shower curtain
浴簾什麼的 with the world map on it or something.
總之，我只是覺得你該知道 Anyway, just thought you should know.
謝謝，還有人嗎？ Thank you.Anyone else?
穿灰上衣的那位 Uh, you in the grey shirt.
哦，耶 Hi. Uh, yeah.
我想請你回應一下 I just wondered if you could address
你關於殘障歧視的笑話 some of your ableist material.
對不起 I--I'm sorry.
殘障歧視是什麼？ What is ableist?
她不看的話，我寫那些電郵幹嗎？ Why do I write the emails if she doesn't read 'em?
你那些取笑殘障人士的笑話 Your jokes that made fun of people with disabilities.
這樣啊，明白 Oh, right, yes.
身為有閱讀障礙的人 As someone that has dyslexia,
或是你所謂的＂讀障礙閱＂的人 or as you called it, "lysdexia,"
我想也許你願意解釋一下 yeah, I just thought maybe you'd like to speak on that.
說老實話 我並不知道 Oh, to be honest, I didn't realize
閱讀障礙是一種殘障 dyslexia was a disability.
黛博拉凡斯絕對不是 深夜秀主持人 "Deborah Vance is by no means
最顯而易見的選擇 "the obvious choice for late night.
她行差踏錯的次數多不勝數 而且不是全都可以原諒 "Her missteps are numerous and not entirely forgivable.
今後也想必還會犯更多錯 "No doubt there will be more.
但是儘管凡斯是個典型的嬰兒潮人士 "But for all Vance's typical boomer-ness,
她擁有一種超脫年齡 "there's a curiosity that goes beyond age
而且更觸及人性的好奇心 "and taps into something more human:
那就是我們瞭解彼此的慾望 "our desire to understand each other.
或是如她的寫手艾娃丹尼爾斯所說 "Or as her writer Ava Daniels put it,
＂老江湖是不斷炒冷飯的人＂ "'A hack is someone who does the same thing over and over.
＂而黛博拉恰恰相反＂ "'Deborah is the opposite.
＂她不斷演化，變得更好＂ "She keeps evolving and getting better.'
看凡斯在電視上說錯話 "Watching Vance say the wrong thing
娛樂性十足 "makes for entertaining TV,
但是看她與人互動更精彩 "but watching her engage is even better.
很難說她會不會是完美的主持人 "It's hard to say if she would be the perfect host.
但她能提供的是更有意思的東西 "But what she may offer us is something more interesting,
某個努力與自己人性連結 "someone trying to connect with humanity
進而與所有人連結的人 "in her attempt to connect with her own.
而這絕對值得一看 And that's worth watching."
以米娜伊拉希的標準來說 I mean, for a Meena Elahi article,
這可是美言盛讚 that's like a rave.
－真的嗎？ －對 - Is it? - Yeah.
那…讀者的反應如何？ Um, what-- what are people saying?
我看看 Let's see.
有一個人要你幫他跟父母溝通 This one guy wants you to talk to his parents for him.
好吧 Ooh. OK.
有個女人說你是個種族歧視的惡婆娘 This one woman is saying you're a nasty, racist bitch.
有幾個人這麼說 Couple of those.
迴響很熱烈 Lot of engagement, though.
這是好事，真的…等等 That's good. That's really--wait.
可惡 Shit.
怎麼了？ What?
到底怎麼了？看來凱菈 Looks like Kayla...
真的發文說 你是深夜秀的主持人了 did actually tweet that you got late night.
不要… No. No--
已經瘋傳了 It's really blowing up.
吉米，搞什麼鬼？ Jimmy, what the hell happened?
我明明叫她別發文 I fucking told her not to do that!
電視網不會著她的道 She's not gonna force their hand!
－這樣只會造成反效果 This is just gonna backfire!
－我已經快到你家了 I'm actually pulling up to your house right now.
－你來了？ －對 - You're here? - Yes.
她瘋了嗎？ 我知道，真的很抱歉 Is she insane? I know. I'm so sorry.
－若我之前還沒完蛋，現在肯定完蛋 If I wasn't fucked before, I am now.
－她不該推文… She shouldn't have tweeted that.
她在想什麼？ 我要宰了她 The hell was she thinking? I'm gonna kill her!
聽我說 Listen.
電視網取消測試 The network canceled your test show
是因為發現上次客座主持就是測試了 because they realized the guest spot was the test.
是你了，黛博拉 It's you, Deborah.
你拿到深夜秀了 You got late night.
－怎麼回事？ What's going on?
－你嚇到狗狗了 You're scaring the dogs.
我拿到了 I got it.
我拿到…深夜秀了 I got--I got late night.
－什麼？ －什麼？ - What? - What?
我的天啊… - Oh, my fucking God! - Oh, my God!
天啊 Oh, my God!
待續
謝謝觀賞