[♪]
[GAVEL POUNDS]
MAN: Gentlemen, please, the meeting is called to order,
and we need quiet, not a riot.
Otherwise, we can't proceed.
Listen, you Woman Haters,
we meet for the seventh time
to convince each member of the club
that romance is a crime!
If you have any questions or any suggestions
that you'd like to make today,
or if you have a notion to offer a motion,
let's hear what you have to say.
Come, speak up like a hero.
Your speech need not be rehearsed.
Who's that? Oh, yes, it's Mr. Zero.
\h\h\h\h\hAll right. I'll speak up first.
[APPLAUSE]
I'll give you my opinion \hof the opposite sexes.
When a man marries a girl,
\h\hhe has to work while she relaxes.
Some smart aleck wrote a book \h\h\h\hThe Woman Always Pays.
\h\h\hYeah, she pays for perfume, powder,
paint and every silly craze.
\h\h\hBut where does the money come from?
From those dopey guys \h\h\h\h\h\hwho fall.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI say down with every guy who sings,
"My Life, My Love, \h\h\h\h\hMy all."
Gentlemen, gentlemen, those in favor say "aye."
\h\h\hMEN: Aye. Aye.
CHAIRMAN: All right, we'll pass that by.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMr. Chairman, three gentlemen wait without.
Without what?
They wanna join our club today.
Okay, admit them \h\hright away.
[♪]
In the name of the Woman Haters Club,
I welcome you.
Do you three gentlemen understand
what you're expected to do?
Now, boys, relax.
I said, relax.
Now, please, at ease. Relax, relax!
I didn't tell you to break your backs.
Stand up for the initiation.
Please. Please. Don't do that.
CHAIRMAN: \hLet go!
[CHAIRMAN GRUNTING]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCHAIRMAN: \hI pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hALL: Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
\h\hFellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.
BOTH: Quit the club?! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat's what I said.
Why, you big fathead, \h\hwhat do you mean?
\h\h\h\hIt's this way: I met a beautiful girl
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand fell head over heels in love.
Why, you must be outta your mind.
You're crazy. \h\h\h\hWhat're you thinking of?
\h\h\h\hBut I promised to marry her tonight.
\hBOTH: Tonight?
\hWhy, if you violate the rules of the club,
you're just as good \h\h\h\h\h\has dead.
If you get married, you'll be carried out
and clubbed right on the head.
\h\hDown with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFellas, you've convinced me.
\h\h\h\h\hI guess that you're right.
I'll have to call the wedding off.
I'll tell her tonight.
That's fine, but how can we be certain
you won't give us the double-cross?
I'll put up my bankroll.
\h\h\h\h\hIf I miss, I'll take the loss.
I got a better idea \h\h\h\h\hthan that.
I'll tell you what let's do.
\h\h\h\hJackie, me and you put up our bankrolls too.
\hWe'll sign an agreement
\h\h\hthat we three will stick together for life
and never even look at a girl \h\h\h\hand never take a wife.
Now that you've signed, \h\hplease bear in mind,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfrom now on, no women around of any kind.
Right? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight.
Now the forfeit \h\hwe'll post.
Fill 'em up. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFill 'em up.
Now I'll make a toast.
\h\h\hTo the three musketeers, who've stuck along for years,
\hwe've traveled together in every kind of weather.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight? Right.
\h\hWhat've you got to say for yourself?
Me? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou.
I've got plenty to say for myself.
[HICCUPS]
I beg your pardon, mates.
Here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States.
Say, by the way, don't we leave \h\h\h\h\h\hfor the row tonight?
\h\h\h\hWhat day is this? The 21st.
\h\hBy golly, you're right.
Let's hurry back.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe gotta pack our samples for the trip.
Okay. Before we go, let's take another sip.
\h\h\hHere's to our trip.
\hYou'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.
Tell her that the bride-to-be \h\h\his not the bride-to-be.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight? Right.
[HICCUPS] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[HICCUPS]
[BELCHES]
Rain or shine or rain, I'll meet youse at the train.
And now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.
\h\h\h\h\h[IRISH ACCENT] \h\hDaughter, it's late. Have you heard from Jim?
Now, Dad, he'll be here. \hDon't worry about him.
But the people \hare waitin'.
Oh, here he comes now. \h\h\h\h\hHello, Jim.
Can I see you privately \h\h\hin the next room?
\h\h\h\hNot now, dear. What's troubling you?
Why all the gloom?
Friends of the family... meet the groom.
\h\hAw, congratulations. [GUESTS CHATTERING]
Come on, son-in-law, \hlet's have a drink.
Well, here's to the happiest ending.
Gee, I don't feel so hot.
Go on, you're joking. Sure you're pretending.
Honestly, father, \h\h\h\h\hI'm not.
That reminds me of a story. Listen.
That's me other daughter there.
Well, on her wedding day,
the fellow she was about to marry tried to run away.
Did you ever hear of a nerve like that?
Well, I took care of that guy.
In a room, I locked him,
then I socked him right in the eye.
Then I turned him over to me brother, the cop.
He just picked him up
and spinned him around like a top.
Then me other brother, who's a fighter, began.
Son, I'm ashamed to tell you what he did to that man.
\hDid he marry your daughter?
\h\h\h\h\h\hDid he? I should say he did.
\hThere he is right over there. He'll be walking soon, poor kid.
Oh, Jim, let's go.
\h\h\h\hRight now? Yeah.
[GROANS]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGood luck. Let's go.
[JIM GROANS]
[♪]
Jim, do you take Mary...
["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYS]
...for your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
Mary, do you promise \h\h\h\hto love him,
\h\h\h\hshare his joy and share his strife?
Oh, I do.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMINISTER: Place the ring upon her finger.
\h\hNot that one, the other finger.
I pronounce you \hman and wife.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHoney, we're two hours early.
\h\h\h\hWhy did we get here so soon?
Just so we can be alone for a while,
alone on our honeymoon.
\h\h\h\h\hOh, darling, you're so thoughtful.
Catch on? \h\hYou bet I do.
Is that all, sir?
Yeah, that's all that I want with you.
\h\h\hWe're away from the crowd.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. Whew, what a relief.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, \h\h\h\h\hsir.
\h\h\h\h\h\hJust ring if you want me, chief.
\hOh, darling, I'm so happy that we're married at last.
You know something? I'm gonna \h\htry to make you happy too.
Yeah. \h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
\h\hI can't believe it. It all happened so fast.
\h\h\hDear, can I ask a little favor of you?
Why, certainly.
\h\h\h\hI want you to promise to keep our marriage a secret.
What do you say?
\h\h\h\hWhy, the idea. Are you ashamed of me?
\h\h\h\h\h\h[TEARFULLY] Oh, you're starting out \h\h\h\h\hin a nice way.
\h\h\h\hDoll, I might meet some friends on the train
\h\hthat'll try to kid me along.
\h\h\hI dare them to kid you along.
Okay, I guess I'm wrong.
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you, my life My love, my all ♪
♪ We'll see the evening twilight \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFalling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you ♪
♪ Calling ♪
♪ Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ You'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ A little song About the moon ♪
[WHISTLES POORLY]
♪ And when I've finished \h\h\hWith my crooning ♪
♪ On my knees \hI'll fall ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBOTH: ♪ My life, my love, my all ♪
[♪]
There.
Say, what's that button that you wear?
\h\h\h\h\h"W.H.," what can that be?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWoman Haters. Oh, I see.
That's our organization. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy?
It appeals to me \h\h\h\hsomehow.
\h\h\h\hWould you like to join? Yes, sir.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay. We'll initiate you now.
[♪]
I now pronounce you a member of the Woman Haters Club.
\h\h\hSay, did you see a curly-headed fella?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSure enough. He's in there with a lady.
Brother, she hot stuff.
\h\h\hHoney, "W.H."? What does that mean?
Wonderful honeymoon. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh...
[DOOR OPENS]
\hWhat does this mean? Are you crazy or what?
\h\hYou fainted. Did you forgot?
What do you think, \h\h\h\h\h\hTommy?
\h\h\h\hIt's tommyrot. Come here. Come here!
Is there something \hI can do, dear?
\h\h\h\hWell, I wonder what that's all about.
Is it possible he's a thief?
\h\hSomething tells me this marriage of mine
is going to end \h\h\hin grief.
\h\hI guess the best way to settle this matter is
\h\hto attend to it myself.
\hFellas, I tell you, you got me all wrong.
I was minding my own business \hwhen that woman came along.
\h\hSuddenly, she fainted.
Now, I'm asking you, \hif a woman faints
right in your arms, what is there to do?
\h\hYou don't think that I'd fool around
with a sappy dame \h\h\h\hlike that?
Her eyes are \hlike a cat
and her hair is \h\hlike a rat.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOMMY: Well, just the same,
we signed a paper,
and that paper reads:
"No woman shall ever \h\henter our lives,
\h\h\h\hno matter what she needs."
\h\h\h\h\hNext time you're with a girl,
you're gonna forfeit \h\h\h\hyour dough.
\h\hAnd furthermore, you have no right--
All right, all right, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know.
\h[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ Oh, I'm in trouble A lot of trouble ♪
♪ I really don't know \h\h\h\h\hwhat to do ♪
♪ Can I get some help \h\h\h\h\hFrom you? ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTell me, is it really serious?
♪ You'll never know \h\h\hHow serious ♪
Let me help her. She's delirious.
Look!
♪ She's gonna faint ♪
Oh, no, she ain't.
♪ Oh, I can't bear it \h\h\hI can't go on ♪
♪ Won't someone help me \h\h\h\h\h\hTo my room ♪
♪ Or I'll go right \h\h\hTo my doom ♪
\hWell, little girl, if that's the case,
I'll go with you almost anyplace.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, toots.
Thank you.
[♪]
You've got to let me \h\h\h\hout of here.
You stay where you are.
I'll find out what's going on in the next car.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI insist. You stay here. I got to go.
You insist? \h\h\h\hYes, I insist.
Oh, is that so?
Listen, I know how \h\hto handle her.
I've done it before.
You give me the works before.
Ya can't do it no more.
\hYou'll make me mad. I'm losing my temper.
I'm warning you!
So you're trying to bulldoze me?
What are you gonna do?
You're making me mad! I'm losing my temper.
\h\h\h\h\hCome on, get out of my way.
No, I won't get out \h\h\h\hof your way.
Right here is where I'll stay.
Say, what's the idea of this rough stuff?
I've stood enough guff \h\h\h\hfrom you two.
Now, you behave.
\hWell, we weren't gonna bother anybody, mister.
We were just--
[♪]
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you, my life ♪
♪ My love, my all ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ We'll see The evening twilight falling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you ♪
♪ Calling ♪
♪ Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ You'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
\h\h♪ A little song Beneath the moon ♪
[FAILS TO WHISTLE]
♪ And when you're finished ♪
♪ With your crooning ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBOTH: ♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
♪ My life, my love, my all ♪
\hCome on, explain yourself, and you better do it quick.
Breaking into my room \h\h\h\h\h\h\hthis way
is the lowest kind of a trick. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBut, darling--
\h\h\hBOTH: "Darling"!? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, I forgot.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI thought I was talking to you.
Me? Where do you get \h\h\h\hthat stuff?
What are you trying to do?
What are you doing here with this gal?
That's what I want to know.
\hCome on outside and I'll tell ya.
\h\h\h\hAll right. Come on, let's go.
[♪]
Where's Jackie?
♪ Oh, come to me ♪
♪ Come to me ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Tell me I'm your heart's desire ♪
♪ Oh, come to me ♪
♪ Come to me ♪
♪ Let me feel the bliss of your maddening kiss ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJIM: \h\hOpen that door or I'll break it!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMARY: Oh! What's going on in there?
Oh. Oh...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOMMY: You're a Woman Hater!
Ooh... \h\h\h\h\h[BANGING ON DOOR]
Okay, under here.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJIM: You can't get away \h\h\h\hwith this.
Under here. Under here.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTOMMY: You can't get away \h\h\h\h\hwith it!
Oh, my goodness.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Play dead. Play dead.
[GIGGLES]
Shh.
The poor boy is ill. \h\h\hTsk, tsk, tsk.
Be quiet till he awakes.
Fever. He's hot.
Don't worry.
♪ I got what it takes ♪
♪ To cure him ♪
Don't you dare strike him!
What's the matter? Do you like him?!
\h\h\h\h\hIf you dare to lay a hand on him, I'll scream.
[SCREAMS]
Oh. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNyuk, nyuk, nyuk, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hnyuk, nyuk.
\hCome on, now, scram, ya mugs.
Did ya hear what I said?
And don't disturb us again, \h\h\h\hwe're going to bed.
[♪]
[SMOOCHING]
Oh!
\h\h\h\hGet in there, up against the wall.
TOMMY: \hOh.
[CRUNCHING]
[WHOOPING]
[♪]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
What are you doing?
Who are you looking for?
\h\h\h\hLet me out. Let me out of here.
Oh, a couple of acrobats.
Now, you pay attention
and you might get \ha big surprise.
\h\hI'll relieve your tension by telling you that I'm wise.
This man's my husband.
We were married a couple \h\h\h\h\hof hours ago,
\h\h\hand the agreement that you signed is false
and it don't go.
Everybody has cheated.
I can prove it, and I know.
\h\h\h\hMove over. Move over?
[SCREAMS]
[♪]
The 30th meeting of the Woman \h\h\h\hHaters Club is called.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hZERO: \h\h\h\h\hMr. Chairman, there's a man outside.
Tell him to come inside.
Well, what do you want?
\h\h\h\h\hI wanna join the Woman Haters Club.
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you my life My love, my all ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Each evening When the twilight's falling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you \h\h\h\h\h\h\hCalling ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBOTH: ♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ I'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ A little song About the moon ♪
[WHISTLING]
♪ And when I'm finished ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hALL: ♪ With my crooning ♪
♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ My life ♪ ♪ My love ♪
♪ My all ♪
[♪]